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Metroid: Zero Missions At All

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It was a groggy Monday morning, and nobody in the capital seemed happy to wake up. Even today...
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    • TheOneMoiderah

    TheOneMoiderah

    threatening to become a con rat
    Commission Artist
    Location
    HELL
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    They/It
    It was a groggy Monday morning, and nobody in the capital seemed happy to wake up. Even today, in a world of unparalleled advances in technology, space travel, and energy generation, there was a constant, burning, unrelenting hatred of the first workday of the week.

    And it was on this day, that a certain ship lot captain proved just how miserable he was. "So...uh...your name is...?"

    "Aran. Samus." The woman on the screen in front of him said, tersely. "I came to park my ship."

    "Uh...huh." He leaned over to take a look at the ship, then at her. "...You sure you want to park it?"

    "I'm completely sure." Samus said, tersely.

    "...Uh..." His hesitation wasn't unfounded. The ship itself, hovering right in front of him, had several damaged engines. One of them was smoking, another was sputtering, and the other had stopped smoking and was now on fire. The windows in front were cracked, with one of them downright shattered completely. The entry portal on top was damaged, and as soon as he looked at it, it exploded with a flash of blue light. "...This thing isn't spaceworthy. Are you sure that you want to park it?"

    "The ship can repair itself." Samus said.

    He looked at it, then at her. "Uh...lady, that thing is about to explode. Unless you have, like, nanotech-"

    "I do. Let me park the ship."

    The man raised an eyebrow. "...I don't believe you."

    "Well, that is the case." Samus tapped her finger on her dashboard. "Let me park my ship."

    "If that thing explodes, we're liable to get sued if any of the other ships are damaged. There are plenty of really expensive things in here-"

    "They're just things. Let me park my ship."

    "Look, lady, I don't care who you think you are-"

    "I know what I am." Samus interrupted. "What I am is 'irritated'. Let. Me. Park. My. Ship."

    "I am not going to let you park your ship in here, when it could explode-"

    "It has nanites. It can repair itself. My ship is Chozo-made. Let me park my ship."

    "Don't you have some other place to park i-" She charged past the booth, and as soon as a barrier appeared in front, Samus simply charged through it. The solid light construct shattered on impact, as Samus rushed through the parking area and to an empty space.

    The parking guard just stared at her in shock, before he quickly dialed something. "S-sir!"

    His boss turned to look at him on the screen. "What is it?"

    "I denied access to someone, and she just blasted right through the thing! Her ship is a hazard to everyone-!"

    "Who is this woman?"

    "Uh...Aran, I think." The man said.

    His boss paused, before he brought a hand to his face and pinched his nose as tightly as he could. "...Oh."

    "Uh...do you know this person?"

    "...Samus is a very, very illustrious bounty hunter." He took a deep breath and sighed. "...What, couldn't you have just looked this up on Google?"

    "I...uh...I could have." He shook his head. "But her ship was about to explode!"

    "Not really." The man sighed. "...repairs itself. Has nanotech."

    "Wait, she wasn't lying?!"

    "Yup. And not only that, she's untouchable." The older man flicked the lip of his hat up. "...I do hope you have good speaking skills. The Galactic Federation might have a few questions to ask you later."

    "W-wait, what?!"

    "You may or may not have pissed off one of their greatest assets."

    And with that, the parking guard's day just became a whole lot worse.

    ​

    Metroid: Zero Missions, At All - Mission START
    Metroid: Zero Missions, At All - So a bounty hunter walks into a bar.
    Metroid: Zero Missions, At All - Another bar scene. Samus is WASTED.
    Metroid: Zero Missions, At All - Orange Samus need Rocky Road. Badly
    Metroid: Zero Missions, At All - No Samus you can't leave jail yet.
    Metroid: Zero Missions, At All - Oh Maddie.
    Metroid: Zero Missions, At All - Leslie does the dumb.
    Metroid: Zero Missions, At All - Annnd Samus does social. Clean up aisle 2.
    Metroid: Zero Missions, At All - Samus inna park, with a kid. Ponytail talk.
    Metroid: Zero Missions, At All - Killing Time and Wrangling Small Fry

    A/N: This is going to be a series of barely connected snippets. It'll update whenever the fuck I feel like it.

    Really, the idea that I had bouncing around is that Samus Aran was raised by what are basically giant Alien birds. Therefore, it would not be unreasonable to assume that her social skills aren't so much as "Fuckbad" as they are "Fuckbad and incomplete".

    I'll just come back here whenever I have an idea that I think might be funny.
     
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    • *Snerk* Okay, that was good. I can't help but wonder just what exactly the Chozo did for Samus' social skills, if anything. They could have just been confused as to how humans actually go about socialization and avoided it entirely. Any chance we can see some flashbacks of Samus growing up with her alien bird family?
     
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    So even in a space setting they have google.

    Well, she may have enough of social skill to actually be high regarded in the federation. Still I want to see that as well.
     
    It was a loving family that let her put graphity on top of mythical mural that gives powerarmor to the worthy (Metroid Zero Mission)
     
    ImmortalsBlade said:
    Pretty sure Samus is in high regard as every time she's been sent to fight entire planets of hostile alien life that mulched GF forces the planet lost.
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    Only in the continuity that ignores Metroid: Other M (and perhaps Metroid Fusion to an extent), where the GF are a bunch of corrupt twats and tremendously stupid people.
     
    mdkcde said:
    Only in the continuity that ignores Metroid: Other M (and perhaps Metroid Fusion to an extent), where the GF are a bunch of corrupt twats and tremendously stupid people.
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    Metroid Other M? I've never heard of Metroid Other M. Shame there hasn't been a Metroid game since Metroid Prime 3, huh? Such a shame. SUCH A SHAME. SUCH A SHAME.
     
    Thatgamebrit put it best.
    "I want the galactic federation that is out there doing their jobs and having and have incredible artificial intelligences making the big decisions. Where's Admiral Dane when you need him?"
     
    Metroid Prime 3 was reportedly a good game. I say reportedly because the controls were so strange I gave up by the first fight. Loved the first two.

    Metroid: The Other M doesn't exist. Metroid Fusion still has exceedingly negative implications about the ethics and wisdom of the GF.

    None of the Metroid games say much good about the GF's competence at fighting, though at least in MP3 they put in a good effort.

    Metroid Comics, I've only read some of them. They were better than Metroid: The Other M.
     
    While I don't personally believe that Samus has Fuckbad social skills, as a few of the endings in Zero Mission do show her socializing just fine, this snippet was pretty funny. Watched.
     
    Winged Knight said:
    *Snerk* Okay, that was good. I can't help but wonder just what exactly the Chozo did for Samus' social skills, if anything. They could have just been confused as to how humans actually go about socialization and avoided it entirely. Any chance we can see some flashbacks of Samus growing up with her alien bird family?
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    You know how people tend to have culture shock moving to other countries? Y'know, the US to Italy, Japan to France?


    Multiply that by 10,000. Samus was raised by an entire other species that didn't even evolve in the same solar system as humans. You are literally more closely related to a pine tree than a Chozo. The difference between you and a komodo dragon is infinitesimal compared to that between you and a chozo.

    "Culture shock" is putting it so mildly it practically doesn't even apply.
     
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    thagguy said:
    You know how people tend to have culture shock moving to other countries? Y'know, the US to Italy, Japan to France?

    Multiply that by 10,000. Samus was raised by an entire other species that didn't even evolve in the same solar system as humans. You are literally more closely related to a pine tree than a Chozo. The difference between you and a komodo dragon is infinitesimal compared to that between you and a chozo.

    "Culture shock" is putting it so mildly it practically doesn't even apply.
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    Nevermind that their technology is nearly indistinguishable from magic (To the point that they could literally advance no further) compared to a civilization that spans at least a Galaxy, who existed longer than any civilisation known, having actually uplifted most of them.

    And Samus was trained as their ultimate warrior, by the last elder's of their species.

    I mean when your adoptive father is this guy who raised you since the age of Three after you watched your mother get eaten in front of you:


    And then spent the rest of your life gaining a killcount measured in ENTIRE PLANETS you're not going to be a normal, well adjusted person.
     
    mdkcde said:
    I've seen people use that as a justification for Other M Samus's behavior.
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    The problem is that when this theoretical 'Other M' occurs in the Metroid timeline Samus has already killed lots of space pirates, and she's killed Ridley at least three times? If I'm recalling it correctly, and using some timeline pics off google.
     
    mdkcde said:
    I've seen people use that as a justification for Other M Samus's behavior.
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    Other M Samus was the result of a misogynistic asshole who thought Samus was too independent and had to be reliant on an older male figure because the concept frightened him and made TEAM FREAKING NINJA go "We were really uncomfortable making this."

    Nothing can justify it.
     
    mdkcde said:
    Only in the continuity that ignores Metroid: Other M (and perhaps Metroid Fusion to an extent), where the GF are a bunch of corrupt twats and tremendously stupid people.
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    any continuity that ignores Metroid: Other M is a good continuity. I am already feeling an urge to punch people just thinking of it.
     
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    Other M just rubs me wrong.

    Might get another Meteroid game along with the Wii-u since I'm so getting the next zelda game but it better be not made by that dude.
     
    Other M, if it happened, was a nightmare Samus suffered when she was infected by the X.

    As for this fic, good stuff so far. Good stuff.
     
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    Samus crossed her arms as she tapped something on the back of her hand, and let her zero suit vanish. She took a deep, relaxed breath before she got dressed in what she deemed was casual dress. "Adequate." She said, simply.

    As soon as she did, one of the supports holding the ship off of the ground collapsed, causing the entire thing to fall to the ground. She stumbled briefly in surprise, before she shook her head and just climbed out as she normally would.

    "...Perhaps ramming that ship was a bad decision." She murmured.

    She stumbled into a nearby walkway, before righting herself and just walking forwards. The city itself stretched far before her, with skyscrapers piercing the clouds above. She let out a low, calm breath, as wind blew across the pathway. People walked by her, some smoking, some with their hands in their pockets, some downright drunk...

    She paused. "I haven't had alcohol in a while."

    [So a Planet-Killing Bounty Hunter Walks Into A Bar...]​
     
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