Returning from a battle is always strange.
The journey lacks the tension of the movement into battle, the nervous anticipation, the questions. All that has given way to the sort of stunned disassociation, as reality felt so much less real on the other side of experiences that intense.
One of my soldiers, I don't remember who, pulled out my damaged battery and stopped the short, and Sergeant Theo helped me back into the wagon., where I collapsed against the side. By force of habit, I pulled out my pistol, wincing at the notch in the handle from the stalker blade, and opened the lock to inspect the firing crystal.
There was a clattering beside me, and I looked over to see Theda being unceremoniously dropped into the wagon, clutching her shoe in her hands. Almost absently, she turned it over and shook it, and her foot and ankle clattered out onto the floorboards. There was a molten channel from the front of her shin to the back, cables melted together in a blackened smear, oil dripping from a ruptured hydraulic actuator as it was inverted. The melted remains of her trouser's cuff and her stocking clung to it, reduced to a consistency like cobwebs by the heat.
"Oh, that's going to take some fixing." she muttered, setting it aside. "What happened to you?"
I almost reminded her to call me ma'am, or at least my rank, but one thing at a time.
"I got stabbed." I said, worming my thumb under my jacket and through the hole carved by the blade. "Tiny little hole, right through my number two battery. Down to six percent charge from the short."
"Nasty." she said simply, inspecting the empty shoe curiously. "You get the one that did it?"
"It's dead. It's strange, sometimes they fight with intelligence and discipline, sometimes they just throw themselves at us like mindless berserkers." I said. "I wonder why that is?"
We were soon joined by five other damaged machines, all of them in bad states, but nobody offline, fortunately. Immediately to our left was the Dora with the hole through the center of her chest, her ruined jacket and waistcoat draped over her like a blanket. Through the hole in the back, I could see the broken metal, cracked and fused silicone, the deep wound all the way through her vital workings, and she wavered in her seat as though drunk. She was clearly in quite a bit of pain, which meant there were deeper issues, something we couldn't address with our trauma mechanic back in the city.
"Private? How are you holding up?" Theda asked, and she gave a pained chuckle and waved a dismissive hand.
"I'll be okay. I'm gonna." she replied, her accent thick, Scottish. "That was glorious. Never had so much fun."
"Glad to hear it." I said.
"Couldn't done without getting hit, though." she continued, wincing. "Fuckers shot my tits off. Fucking expensive."
"Next time we meet, bill them." Theda suggested, and she laughed a moment before doubling over, the movement clearly too much.
"... fuck it hurts." she muttered, listing over a little. "Jesus Christ."
"We can turn you off until you're repaired?" I offered, and she shook her head desperately.
"Don't want to, ma'am. No offence… but I'm not sure I'll booted up again at this rate. If something's gonna kill me, I wanna see it coming."
"Amen." one of the other machines replied, half his face sheared off by some kind of sharp impact. "I'm gonna die on my feet."
"Lucky bastard." another machine, her leg a ruined mess from a hit in her thigh, replied.
"We're not going to die." I said sternly. "Cut that talk out, right now. I know things are bad, but this isn't the end. We're going to get that generator, we're going to kill all these fucks, and we're going to get home. Then there's a fucking reckoning coming for the bastards who sent cuddlebugs with black powder against those things."
"Begging your pardon, ma'am, but it wasn't exactly an easy thing with a regiment against them. What chance do two sections have?" the first machine asked. "I just want to go down swinging."
"I hadn't really expected my career to be so short." the Theo said, and a quick check made it clear he was one of the new ones. "Going for the record, I guess."
"Oh, definitely not you, Theo. The Crown hasn't even finished paying for you yet, you are not allowed to die." Theda said. "Enough of this defeatist talk, all of you. You are still here. There are more than a score of alien bastards who aren't. Show some fucking gratitude, mein Gott."
"Yes, Sergeant." they all echoed. I heard some commotion, and I peered over the edge of the wagon at the other wagonbed, where three soldiers were wrestling with the alien prisoner, who had apparently just fought off the stun. It took a swing at one of them with a clawed hand that pried the armoured glass off the machine's eyes, then the other two shot it point blank in the back with blue flashes from their stunners and it crashed into the wagonbed.
"... besides, if we can get that thing to talk, we might know what we're up against." I said, sinking back down, pain shooting through me from the hole in my middle. "Goddamnit… Sergeant, remind me not to get stabbed next time."
"If you need a reminder, there's no helping you." she replied.
---
My remaining batteries did not carry me all the way home, unfortunately. I woke up back in my room, Miriam fussing over me, doing something to my face, and when I reached out to push her hand away I couldn't help but notice three new fingers.
"... I'm not looking forward to having to return all these parts." I muttered, and she shushed me, leaning back in. "What are you doing?"
"Replacing the epoxy in your scars. It melted off." she replied, smudging something with her thumb. "Lieutenant Kennedy wants to talk to you."
"I'll bet. Probably not happy I stuck around and fought." I muttered.
"Stop that." she replied sternly, waving the epoxy applicator in my face. "No more of that talk, remember? You taking a prisoner may have saved us. But moreover, she's worried sick for you."
"Why?" I asked stupidly, and Miriam looked at me with great exasperation. "... right, yes. I"ll go talk to her, once you're done. What happened with the prisoner?"
"Well, Milly was going to help translate, but that was no help, it doesn't want to talk and might not be able to. We've got it in the cuddlebug dungeon and we're stunning the damn thing every time it wakes up because otherwise it tries to kill us. Doesn't really seem to get self-preservation. But…"
"But?" I asked.
"It's got a bracelet on its arm like all the others, but this one is active. We figure they shut down if they die so their enemies can't use it, but this one… it's tabulator of some sort." she explained. "Milly was telling me earlier, though I couldn't follow it all. She's as much of a bookworm as her Miss, I swear."
I heard the door click behind me, and Miriam mutter "Speak of the devil…" as I peered out of the sleeping pit. Milly was walking through, with Kennedy and Sumner close behind.
"Dora! Are you alright?" she called.
"Hello Lieutenant. I was just getting my makeup done." I remarked, and she laughed, sitting at the edge of the pit. "I'm fine, I promise you. I'm not looking to die more than once here."
"You better not. You good to move?" she asked, and I sat up as best I could, sparks of pain playing through me.
"As good as I'll be, I suspect. I hear we have information?"
Sumner sat down as well, clearly buzzing with excitement, and unfolded a map between us. On it was a crudely rendered landmass I'd never seen before, but I soon realized it was a part of this world, identifying our city, the gate, the desert to the north and the mountain forest, several other urban areas and a squiggle of roads and train lines. And in the northern valley, not ten kilometers from the old fortress, a glowing blue icon.
"That's them, then?" I asked, tracing a path from the city up to it. A dotted line formed behind my finger, the label trailing it listing the distance, marking terrain and elevation, calculating how long it would take to march. "Their base?"
"That's the thought." Kennedy replied.
"Doctor Zsanett says our prisoner is a clone! Nearly genetically identical to the footsoldier sorts, a bit more complex. I guess it's like an officer." Sumner said. "But not, uh, not like us. It's still a genetically engineered war machine, not really a person."
"So like me." I replied, and Miriam grumbled from where she was putting away her epoxy. "Bad joke, sorry. So not really a chance of brokering peace?"
"Doesn't look like this. We're pretty sure these are… they're like an immune response to protect the gates, not a civilization. Whoever made them has left them unattended, dormant bases, and when something unexpected interacts with the gates it comes online and starts cloning soldiers." Kennedy explains. "That's my theory, anyway."
"Makes sense to me, and it explains why their numbers ramp up like that. And why the base is so far from the… oh."
"Oh?" Sumner asked.
"... that's why you need me to move. We need to go deal with this, don't we?" I asked. "Before they make more."
"As soon as possible." Kennedy replied. "We don't have time to finish the generator. We have to go now. Within the hour if we can. We were waiting on you and some of the other repaired machines to recharge, because we'll need everyone we can get."
I pulled myself unsteadily to my feet, stretching as best I could, shooting pains from damaged systems still rolling through me.
"What's the status of the generator?" I asked. "And what do the cuddlebugs know?"
"Most of the way done, just waiting on the cuddlebugs to finish smelting us the copper coils we need." she said. "I told the South Hunters. They tried to pledge us forces to help."
"You turned them down, of course?" I asked.
"Of course. They'll just get in the way." she replied, then sighed. "I just worry what will happen after. Especially if we take a lot of losses."
Cautiously, very carefully. I took her hand, and instantly she relaxed. I found myself wishing, in that moment, that the gesture had meant to me what it meant to her.
"That's for tomorrow. We have a planet to save."
"... ew." Sumner muttered, and I released her hand. Yeah. A little ew.
"A-ah. Well, I have to go get everything packed up. Collect your gear, I'll see you downstairs in a half an hour." Kennedy said, picking herself up. "You too, Lydia. And don't forget your shield, for heaven's sake."
The two of them shuffled out, and I fought off Miriam trying to polish my cheeks or somesuch thing and told her I was going to talk a quick walk to make sure everything was working for the march. Mostly, though, I just needed a moment alone with my thoughts.
There was clearly a panic in the cuddlebug estate, with important-looking officials and their servants moving this way and that, carrying stacks of paper and supplies, a buzz of constant activity. I found myself thinking it really was a little like an anthill, though I suppose that comparison was a bit unfair, prompted by their superficial similarity to the Earth insect. All of them gave me a wide berth, but I wasn't seeing fear on them anymore. Awe for a few, new ones I supposed, but they'd gotten used to us in our short stay here.
I climbed the stairs to the highest floor, the fourth, not really sure where I was going, and while I was sure the guards would have preferred I didn't carry through the doors they also clearly didn't have the heart to stop me. The floor here was just as beautifully minimalist as the rest of the palace, the same elegant and smooth marble, the same gaslamps, but everything was quieter, less busy, more reserved.
At the end of the hall was a small figure, talking with another, who threw a glance toward me, clearly startled. They were dressed in a long, flowing garment of white, and something about them looked so very different. Curious, I followed down the hall as they finished their conversation, releasing the hand of the person they were talking to, who fled back into their room, and they looked up at me with, eyes wide.
Everything about them was different. Rounder, softer, shorter, wider. Fewer pieces of hard carapace, eyes like a baby deer. I thought perhaps they bore some resemblance of the local cuddlebugs, in colouration and the shape of their heads, but I'd never seen a cuddlebug like them, and I couldn't help but want to know more.
"Hello." I said, leaning against the wall, trying to look casual. "I'm Dora. Who are you?"
They responded with a sound that had no meaning in my dictionary, and I asked what it meant, Wishing I had Sumner to help translate.
"It doesn't mean anything. It's just my name." they replied. "It was my -----'s name as well, and their ------'s. If it had a meaning, I don't know it."
Another blank, another missing word.
"I see." I said neutrally.
"You're one of the visitors from the stars." they said, not really a question, looking over me, and then they reached a hand out toward my face. I held very still as their claw touched my cheek, traced along it, to the intents where the epoxy hid my scar, around my eye. I'd never seen a cuddlebug voluntarily touch one of us yet, but this one did it unhesitatingly. "You really are made of metal."
"It's true. I'm a machine." I said, showing my flexing hand, the joints articulating, the new fingers gleaming. "I was made by very skilled artists in a city which hangs above a star called Procyon."
"Made?" they asked. "With tools, like a train?"
"That's right." I said, and they laughed, this little high-pitched squeaking noise. They gestured with a claw to the doors at the end of the hall, and I followed them out to a balcony that looked over the city, over the walls, the gleaming boulevard that led out into the dark wilderness beyond.
"That is so strange! You are not the same as the visitors which have everyone so scared, are you? The ones here to kill us all?"
"No, they are different. Here with destructive ends." I replied.
"And what are your ends? Why were you made, visitor?"
"To protect people." I explained. "That is why I exist. I'm very lucky to have a purpose like that."
"... that is also strange." they said, contemplating me, their hand touching mine. "I have a purpose as well, though I do not think of it as particularly lucky."
"You are a Queen?" I guessed, and they nodded.
"More than that. I am what keeps my family loyal." they said, leaning against the balcony. "I protect people too, I supposed."
"I'm afraid I don't follow." I said.
"Do you know about our history, visitor?" they asked, and I responded in the negative. "Before, every family lived only for their own queens, and we just fought constantly. There were some alliances, but they were fragile. When the Orange Empire came here, took my -------'s and held them, it stopped the fighting. That's my purpose. As long as I'm here, I protect them."
Everything about that rang hollow to my ears. Even if it was true, there was sorts of violence that wasn't war, violence that was clearly endemic here. Violence that machines like me weren't made to stop.
"Is that true?" I asked.
"I tell myself it is." they responded. "Because it's my purpose."
"I understand." I replied simply. I knew how that felt.
There was a part of me that wished in that moment I could simply take them, leap from this balcony, find their family. Upset the whole system at once. Bring it all down. But it wouldn't work: they had siblings that would be endangered, the system was too big for one mission queen to crush. I also tried to think of something brave and clever to say, to plant the seeds of a revolution, but there was nothing there either. They already knew their position better than I ever could, anything I could say would be trite, useless.
The best I could hope for was that if I could a way home, I could hold the door open long enough for my society to offer the material aid which could empower change. It was too big for me.
"Is there anything I can do to help you?" I asked finally, and they nodded.
"Nothing can change if we are dead." they replied. "Perhaps you can give us time, visitor."
---
We took every expedience we could north, aided by the locals. Their trains carried us half the way, packed in bare cargo cars, the wheels groaning with the weight of our metal bodies. The rest of the day's march carried us to the edge of the desert along their roads, the final leg done in the night. The ensigns road on the repulsor horses, clearly bone-tired by the end, the planet's rings above us giving the only illumination.
We brought everyone along, leaving only our fallen, with a warning that we had a full catalog of every part on them and we would know if they took anything. They would, of course, try to study them in our absence, they would be stupid not to, but if we won we ought to be back in time to prevent them from learning anything unfortuante. If we lost… if we lost it wouldn't matter either way.
We were accompanied by cuddlebug soldiers every step, locals and occupiers from the empire in equal measure at the trainyards, along the roads, everywhere. The news had raced ahead of us on telegraph lines, they all knew who we were and why we were here. Their grim faces and stark terror surrounded us at every turn.
It wasn't a burning horizon and black clouds of oil smoke choking the air, but it was very nearly as ominous.
We called a halt for the night at the edge of a great valley, along a windswept cliff, and I stood with Kennedy and the ensigns, with Beckham's spyglass in my hand, sweeping over the cliffs opposite.
"I had meant to ask. What did we do with our prisoner?" I asked.
"... I had it shot." Kennedy replied, her voice tensing up. "It was that, sacrifice three of our soldiers to watch it in our absence, bring it with us and potentially warn them through their network, or leave the cuddlebugs to try and contain it."
"I don't disagree." I said, and intellectually I didn't, even if it sent a shiver of disgust through me.
"If we survive this, the courts can decide." she said tersely. "There, I see it. 12 degrees, at the edge of the mountain. I count three stalkers moving in and out."
The narrow mouth of the cave resolved in my spyglass, the bodies of our alien foes picked out in black against the cool whites of the thermal sensor. The cave was tiny, perhaps fitting two of us abreast at the widest point, a crack in the cliffside. We wouldn't have spotted it without the movement of the alien creatures.
"I don't think we're going to be able to drop a shell in there." I pointed out, and Kennedy sighed, handing the glass to Sumner and kicking a rock from the edge of the cliff.
"No, it looks like there's a bend in the cave. We'll have to go set a charge manually if we want to destroy the base." she said. "I was afraid of that."
"We should use the last transmutative shell." I said firmly. "It's the only way to make sure."
"Yeah." she said, her voice breaking. "You're right."
"Can we do that?" Sumner asked.
"I'll rig a timed charge. We'll have to fight our way to the cave and get it inside." she said. "We'll cover you as best we can with the guns, Dora."
It would be incredibly risky. And transmutative charges were delicate, fail-safe. If it got shot, it would turn into a dud. If we left it and one of them cut into it, it would be defused. If we placed it wrong, set the timer wrong, it would all be for nothing. We would have to be very careful, very thorough. It had to go off, even if I had to carry it in myself and set it off with my own hand.
It was my fault we were here at all. If it came down to it, it ought to be me. Ought to. Ought.
"We'll get it done." I assured her. "We should sleep."
"Yeah." Kennedy said. "Ensigns, go. We're up at dawn. Dora, a word?"
The ensigns tramped off, yawning and exhausted, the long march battling their obvious anxiety. Kennedy stepped a little closer, her face a map of worry.
"Diana?" I asked.
"I'm sorry about everything." she said. "I… I really went out of line. But… I know you well enough to know I need to ask this. Please don't do anything stupid tomorrow."
"... Diana?" I asked, overwhelmed, unsure what she was saying.
"Don't… don't stay behind to make sure the bomb goes off, don't throw yourself into certain death. Be safe. You deserve to go home too." she said. "I don't care if it's the only way or whatever justification you come up with. We're both making it home, or neither of us are."
"... I can't promise that." I said, pulling the spyglass back to my eye, scanning their position again. "You know that."
"Dora… come on." she said, pleading. "Don't do this."
Very slowly, I lowered the glass.
"I'll try."
---
I awoke the next morning to the sound of cannon.