Lieutenant Fusilier in The Farthest Reaches

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Wait i don't think thats a waist sash on Dora, looks more like a pistol holster.
 
Chapter 37 - Mistakes Were Made
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    • How we came to be eye to eye, her fingers working at my buttons, mine sliding under her shirt, I didn't at the moment understand nor care. It was just another mistake for the pile, another ill-thought out action of desperation and loneliness and the endless confusion and frustration of my station, this circumstance, our stupid rivalry.

    Was it unwise? Certainly. Was it inappropriate? Oh, absolutely. Was it perhaps an abuse of my position as her superior? Well, she'd have to concede that I was her superior for that to be true, but it was not my finest moment in any case.

    But you know what? She started it.

    And I won't lie and say it wasn't satisfying to see her melt in my hands, to hear her gasp as I pressed her wrists against the dirt, to feel something after a week of anger and misery and self-denial. To feel alive for a few minutes on this awful dirtball. Maybe… maybe to put the sergeant in her place a bit. She certainly wasn't complaining about that for once.

    Which is how we came to be lying against the rock, staring up at the alien sky, fans racing, buttoning up our uniforms and suddenly too ashamed to be near each other.

    "So… what was that, exactly?" I asked.

    She looked away, her fingers struggling with a button.

    "Other than a mistake." I added.

    "I think I may have gotten some wires crossed." Theda said, her fans still humming overtime. She sounded rather stunned herself. "Intense feelings are intense feelings."

    "... right." I said numbly. She wasn't wrong about that. "I think perhaps you need to tone those feelings down a little then, because… this cannot be healthy."

    "... I will take that under advisement." she said bitterly. Clearly, this was a conversation that wasn't going anywhere, so I made a point to get to my feet. Best not to dwell in this strange moment, best to get the hell away and move the fuck on. It could come up in the court marshal along with everything else.

    "Right. Let's leave this here. This didn't happen." I said firmly, and I turned on my heel to walk away. It ought not to have happened, so it didn't. Ought. Just stuff the feelings down and make it go away. Ought ought ought.

    "Whatever makes you feel better." she exclaimed from behind me.

    With a sigh, I turned around. Once again, I was looking at her as a stranger, the confused emotions we'd just stumbled through absent, just a dispassionate record in my memory. She was just a machine with an attitude problem and I needed to fix it for the good of the mission, before it disrupted things further.

    "No. Whatever the hell this is, whatever you're playing at, it has to end here too." I said firmly. "I refuse to keep doing this."

    Theda glared a moment, back to her silent routine apparently. She really did go out of her way to piss me off, and I could already feel a certain anger at her attitude, building back up, her actions calling previous memories forth. Just more things to ignore, to push past.

    She probably had a tangle of complex feelings about me too, envy and resentment and hatred and want, and evidently she had no idea how to handle it whatsoever. So much so that the moment our interactions went from hostile to slightly cordial, it'd clearly crossed some wires in her head in a serious way.

    "I'm not leaving until we resolve this." I insisted, stepping toward her. "I'm not letting you pretend you can just ignore it. Start talking."

    She looked away.

    "Theda." I repeated.

    "I don't fucking know!" she said suddenly, her voice breaking. "What, you want to try to be the bigger person now, now? I'm not the one pretending, I'm not the one trying to ignore everything!"

    "... what?" I said, utterly confused.

    "Who do you think you're fooling? We do this over and over, and every time you just… you go from yelling, fighting and threatening, from that... to trying to act superior, to pretending you're above it all, better than us. Better than me." she said, the steel utterly gone from her tones, just desperation, "You're just pretending too. You're just as fucked up as I am."

    "... that's what you're supposed to do, Theda. When your feelings aren't productive, good machines dismiss them."

    "No, you fucking idiot." she snapped, "That's for emergencies, for protecting people, for moving on, not for… everything."

    "Why not?" I asked, immediately feeling absurd for saying it but unwilling to back down.

    "What the hell kind of life is that? Just suppressing everything you feel if it doesn't help you make a quota?"

    "A productive one." I repeated.

    "Is it? Are you happy?" she asked. "Are you happy being an officer?"

    "Of course I… I..."

    I stopped, the words dying on my speaker, a cold feeling washing over me.

    "When you feel miserable about it, do you just shove that down too? Didn't you ever think that might be a sign that something is wrong?" she asked pointedly, her voice despairing. "Well?"

    I sat down, heavily, leaning against the stone.

    "I don't know." I said, and she let out a sigh, a relieved sound almost.

    "Thank God." she muttered.

    "You, uh, haven't exactly been dealing with everything super well either." I pointed out, and she nodded, pained, making a sound I realized only a few seconds in was laughter.

    "No shit." she said, "I have been… an idiot. Just… I worked for so long and got nothing. Every time I see you in that fucking uniform, I feel worthless."

    "I'm sorry." I said, rather absurdly, unsure what else to say. I didn't want to make anyone feel that way. Even her.

    "At least you're miserable. At least I was spared that." she concluded bitterly.

    "... I never said I was miserable." I said, "I… I said I don't know if I'm happy. It's hard. It's confusing and difficult to know if I'm doing the right thing. Every order I give, every decision I make, every mistake, I think… there had to be a better solution, there had to have been a better answer, and if I were smarter or better or human maybe I'd know what it was."

    Theda nodded slowly.

    "All I've wanted, ever since I took this commission, was for somebody to tell me how I was doing. Or… to tell me I was doing wrong. To look at it and tell me all the things I was supposed to do instead. To correct me. To judge me." I said.

    "See. We were made to follow orders, not give them." she said. And I nearly agreed.

    "... no, we were just made to want things perfect." I said, "To fight for it. To work for it. But… when you're doing what somebody else tells you, when you're working to somebody else's standards, right and wrong, good enough and falling short, what perfect is, it's all obvious. Somebody else has decided on that for you. But once you're the one making decisions, you have to make that judgement. You have to expect to make mistakes, and be ready to take responsibility. It's the essence of it."

    We sat in that moment for a while, thinking about it, staring out across the desert valley. Watching the sentries move about the walls by flickering lamplight, staring at the glittering rings above the planet, the zipping shooting stars as pieces deorbited, the alien stars.

    "That's not what I wanted." she said finally.

    "It's… something I'm having to learn." I said. Something I was still processing. "Not that you helped much."

    She chuckled.

    "I… whenever you'd get upset, whenever you'd seem discouraged, it felt to me like… evidence. A sign that you must be in the wrong." she admitted, "I was convinced you were a liar, that you didn't care, that you'd get everyone killed. I… I think I was wrong. I'm sorry. I fucked up."

    "That you certainly did." I said, "But nobody's perfect."

    ---

    I returned to the camp, doing my best to straighten out my uniform before I came into sight. Miriam was leaning against Gunner Theo and they were all laughing about something, but they straightened up as I came into sight.

    "You alright, ma'am?" boxie Dora asked, and I waved her off.

    "Just making sure Theda hadn't run off." I said, "I think it's time to get some sleep. Dora, you've got second watch. I want everyone well-charged tomorrow, this is going to be delicate."

    We doused the fire and I retreated to my tent, Miriam in tow. As I sat down on my best and started pulling my boots off, she put her hands on her hips and looked very sternly at me.

    "You realize you have broken so very many regulations, and quite possibly laws, right?" she said, sounding a little annoyed.

    "... you didn't overhear or anything, did you?" I asked. We'd done our best to be quiet.

    "No, but I know what's going on when an officer disappears for half an hour and comes back with dirt on their uniform and their collar hanging open." she said, accepting my jacket and hanging it up. "I wasn't unboxed yesterday, unlike much of your command. Well?"

    "Theda and I had some things to work through." I responded honestly. "We… took a detour on the way to actually talking things out. Though I will say that she started it."

    "Mhmm. And here I thought I wouldn't need to be your chaperon, miss." she said briskly. "The only reason I'm not more upset is I know you well enough to know you didn't initiate anything."

    "I… don't know if that is a complement." I observed.

    "That's up to you." she said. "Do you want to talk about what happened?"

    "... yes. Please." I said, "I think I've figured something out, but I could use your insight."

    "Of course."

    ===

    Regular updates should be starting again. I'm sorry about that gap, my life legit stopped functioning properly for a month.​
     
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    • Hooray for more!

    open_sketch said:
    "I'm sorry." I said, rather absurdly, unsure what else to say. I didn't want to make anyone feel that way. Even her.

    "At least you're miserable. At least I was spared that." I concluded bitterly.

    "... I never said I was miserable." I said, "I… I said I don't know if I'm happy. It's hard. It's confusing and difficult to know if I'm doing the right thing. Every order I give, every decision I make, every mistake, I think… there had to be a better solution, there had to have been a better answer, and if I were smarter or better or human maybe I'd know what it was."
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...

    There's an I that should be a she, I think.
     
    open_sketch said:
    That's for emergencies, for protecting people, for moving on, not for… everything.
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    Interesting. I wonder if Theda's view is common among most machines or if it's just the Prussian view. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that British machines are touch repressed. Stiff upper lip and all that.

    Either way, it's clear that Fusie has missed out on so much by saving all her pay for her commission. She's not just inexperienced at /human/ social events; she's failed to pick up a lot of machine social norms too.

    I guess it just goes to show that machines come out of the box knowing a lot, but they still need to learn even more.
     
    I'm glad someone has brought up that constant denial of feelings without actually resolving anything wasn't healthy!

    I'm also glad that your life is going smoothly again, and only like ten percent of that gladness is mercenary pleasure at the thought of more chapters!
     
    This was a very good update. I'm always a sucker for characters recognizing their flaws and starting to work through them, and you're extremely good at writing it.
     
    Dora's Christmas
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    • Not canonical, just for fun. Merry Christmas!​

    "Come now, miss, celebrating and socializing is an important part of the season." Miriam insisted.

    "It is mandatory?" I asked once again, and once again Miriam sighed.

    "Not precisely…" she said, and I returned to my writing.

    "Then I shall stay here with my forms. There's an awful lot and I don't want to put it off any further." I said, getting back to my scrawling. Being lost on the other side of the galaxy came with a lot of paperwork, so much so I was still working on it three months later. Christmas leave, a week with no other duties, was the perfect time to get it done.

    "Very well, miss. Though don't be surprised if you have a few friends come calling anyway." Miriam said, then she disappeared off to wherever it is servants go when they decide they ought not be visible. I maintain they should be teaching infiltration to our riflemen.

    "I'll deal with that as it comes." I said to the air, adjusting the candle for the fading daylight and plucking my pen from the charger. The great thing about paperwork is how time just disappears as you do it, the hours blending together in a pleasant haze of productive scratching and the lovely crisp scent of laser-dried ink. Outside, the artificially-summoned snow which dominated the dome of the city came down in flurries, just visible as a haze around the multicoloured gaslamps lining the officer's quarter. The fireplace behind me roared a pleasant green, and I felt utterly at ease.

    I was just writing my sixth report on the circumstances of employing the transmutative munitions when I heard a strange sound outside my window. The sound of heavy footfalls, then a knock on my door. Cautious, I bundled my housecoat around me closer and stepped out to see who it could possibly be.

    At the base of the stairs, Miriam opened the door, and on the other side was a familiar sight. A machine in a dark grey greatcoat, snow falling from her shako as she snapped a cheery salute. Her eyes were bright under the brim of her hat, pink irises, smiling.

    "Ma'am!" she exclaimed, "Merry Christmas!"

    "... Corporal Thea. What brings you here?" I asked, "Also, you don't have to salute, I'm not in uniform."

    "Right, uh, sorry ma'am. I just…" she shuffled in place a bit nervously, "Lieutenant Duncan sent me, was wondering if you were coming to the mess."

    "Ah… afraid not, I've got rather a lot of paperwork to do." I said, feeling a little awkward. "Cold out there?"

    "The snow's coming down near sideways, somebody fell asleep at the weather station, I swear." she said, scooping snow out of her collar. "It's nothing."

    We were a tough sort, but cold was cold. Metal was not the best insulator.

    "Well… come in a few minutes, warm up before you go back." I said, feeling a bit reluctant but knowing well enough how unpleasant it was. The corporal swept off her hat and Miriam took her coat, and after successfully shedding most of the snow off her she started up the stairs toward the office and waiting fireplace.

    "Permission to speak freely for a bit?" she asked, and I nodded as I sat back down. "Well, just… they got you really fancy don't they?"

    "Yeah, just a little." I said, plucking my pen back up. "It's excessive."

    "I don't know if I could stand it, big place like this. And you… must be torture." she said, laughing.

    "What do you mean by that?" I asked, trying to find my place on the form.

    "Just, you've always been… I don't know. Allergic to anything… extra. No parties, no leave, wouldn't even take off-base housing back when it was cheap." she said.

    "It was never cheap." I countered, "Five shillings a month is not cheap on a private's salary."

    "It was downright affordable, Dora! Um. Lieutenant. Sorry ma'am."

    "Don't worry. I make similar mistakes all the time." I said, waving a hand dismissively. "I just had a lot of saving to do, you know, that's all."

    "You still saving now?" she asked.

    "... captain will cost a lot of money." I pointed out, and she scoffed.

    "And then what? Save for major? Save for Lieutenant Colonel?" she said, laughing. "Getting promoted hasn't changed you a bit, has it?"

    "I'm trying not to let it go to my head." I said, scribbing in as many details as I could remember about ammunition expenditure. Having to put off filling in the details so long was not great.

    "Stars, remember when we were boxies, first Christmas? I don't think you were saving, what was your excuse then?"

    "We were switching to the new pulse grenades and we kept screwing up in training. I had to keep working on it. What if we'd gotten deployed during the holidays?" I pointed out. "I was just being responsible."

    "... of course. And in '37?"

    "I had to work, honour guard at the Duke's party, remember?" I pointed out.

    "Wasn't that volunteer gig?" she asked, "Okay, and what was that thing in '42? You skipped out a date with that Sarah, she was so disappointed…"

    "Ensign Wheeler was very homesick. It wouldn't have been right for her aide to leave her alone." I said, leaning back in my chair. "Have you just come to admonish me about how much of a bore I've been on previous Christmases? You've had good memories, haven't you?"

    "... oh, sure I do! Stars, do you remember 4th company's party in '51? That was unbelievable, most fun I've had in years! I've never been that drunk in my life. That was the last one before Colour Sergeant Theo retired! Wild." she said. "Wasn't it?"

    "... I… I stepped out." I said, "I didn't want to be hung over for inspection the next day."

    "... we were on leave, there was no inspection." she pointed out.

    "What about surprise inspections?" I pointed out. "You know what the old Colour Sergeant is up to?"

    "I hear he's a bodyguard for one of the noble families of Burgundy II, and he's pulling six shilling a day doing security work and throwing drunk guests out on their ass. I'm half-tempted, honestly."

    "That sounds like a nightmare." I said, "Though the money would have been nice."

    Thea stood, shaking her head, the green light of the fire flickering in her steel faceplate. I flipped to the next page.

    "I don't want to take you away from your work, Lieutenant. Just… nice to talk to you again. Merry Christmas."

    "See you." I said, and she stepped out. It was nice to see her again, but she'd be around, and this really needed to get done. Once again undisturbed, I got lost in the work, adding up the costs of all the replacement parts we went through from the list I'd compiled earlier. The sheer amount of money we went through on operations was staggering, I'd hate to be our accountant.

    Though they're probably always busy, lucky bastards.

    However, I scarcely got three hours more in before I heard someone knocking loudly below, the door chiming. Grumbling, I set down my pen and stalked out, not even able to imagine what might justify the interruption, just in time for Miriam to open the door and reveal Lieutenant Beckham, already clearly drunk and stumbling.

    "Fusie! Fusie, where are you?" he called, stepping inside. "Dora?"

    "I'm right here, Miles." I said wearily, "Why aren't you at the Christmas party?"

    "The party's over, Fusie! I didn't see you there at all, what happened to turning over a new leaf, eh?" he announced, shucking off his heavy fur coat.

    "... I got distracted." I lied awkwardly. "How was it?"

    "Boring, mostly, speeches and drinks and such… oh, but I got to meet Lieutenant Duncan's fiancee, she's very nice. You'd have liked her." he said.

    "Yeah?"

    "Lowest-cut dress I've ever seen, Chris is a lucky man, I'll say that much!" he exclaimed, "Thank you, Miriam, thank you."

    Miriam walked off with his coat, her cheeks glowing a little pink, and Miles tromped up the stairs toward me, grinning.

    "Now, come on, I've got a much less boring party at my place, I won't let you miss that one too." he said, beckoning me on. "Where's your uniform?"

    "It's being cleaned." I said, and he shook his head sadly

    "Seriously? Well, come, do you have any fancy dresses or anything?"

    "I don't, why would I have fancy dresses, Miles. I'm just trying to do my paperwork." I insisted, sitting back down and plucking my pen from the charger. "Why is that such a problem?"

    "It's Christmas, Fusie! You don't work on Christmas, it's just not done." he said, "What, do machines not celebrate Christmas?"

    "Why would we?" I pointed out. "Weren't our savior being born or anything. We've not got souls to save."

    "Listen, that's not the point. I'm not exactly what you'd call a good Christian…" I did my best to suppress a laugh, "- yes, yes, very funny, that's not the point. Cultural celebration or whatever. Spend time with friends and family and all that for the holidays."

    "I haven't got family either." I pointed out.

    "You've got friends, or at least people who'd like to be! And I know other machines get it, because tomorrow morning I'm going to have to go pick up half my bloody section from the constables as usual. As will you."

    "... see, it's things like that which keep me in, doing paperwork." I pointed out. "Also, I doubt you'll be in condition to do much of anything tomorrow morning."

    "Oh, too right, I'm going to get the Ensigns to do it." he said nonchalantly. "And you should do the same! Sumner would probably be overjoyed to interact with the constables and feel superior. Now come on, everyone's waiting."

    "Who's everyone?" I asked.

    "Oh, Henry, Liam from 6th company, Jane from the Grenadiers, and… a certain Lieutenant Kenney…"

    "Diana?" I asked, and he laughed.

    "Yes, Diana will be there. If you want to, you know… talk to her…" he said, looking rather pleased with himself. "You know…"

    "Right." I said, sitting back. "I don't think she much wants to talk to me right now."

    "Come on, you can patch things up! I'm sure she misses you!" Miles said insistently. "And, fine, look, even if that's not in the cards, there'll be some cute machine girls there, there's servers and stuff…"

    "... mhmm." I said. Right. 'Servers'.

    "Look, come on, you'll have a good time. You seriously going to sit inside all night and do paperwork, on Christmas Eve?"

    "Yes, Miles. There'll be other Christmases." I said wearily. He shook his head.

    "I suppose. But this one'll only happen once." he said… "Merry Christmas, Fusie."

    He started walking out the room, clearly a bit disappointed, and I remembered only at the last moment what I needed to say.

    "Uh… Merry Christmas, Miles. Have fun."

    "You too, Fusie." he said softly, and the door closed.

    At about the halfway point, my battery was running low and sunlight was starting to stream through the window as the reflector came around to mark morning. I set my pen down with satisfaction and looked back over my work. A neatly stacked bunch of papers, my signature on each. A job well done, though it was probably time to turn in. I could finish the rest after I got some shuteye, and then I could get back to sword training. I was falling behind.

    Unfortunately, at about this time I started hearing something from outside my window, and, perhaps feeling a bit strange about my day, I walked over and peered out. The street was blanketed in a fresh coverage of snow, and officers were walking along, perhaps returning from Mile's party. I couldn't make out who they were under their coats and scarves, but their voices carried clearly, and I carefully adjusted the sound dampening on the window until I could hear them.

    "- So did you have a good time, miss?" one of them said. Oh, Milly! "Lieutenant Howlett is nice, isn't she?"

    "Um… well, I can't say I much noticed." the other voice said. Lieutenant Kennedy. The moment I realized it, I twisted the blackout knob on the window so she couldn't see me. Not a moment later she glanced up to where I was, and I could see her disappointed expression behind her collar. "Sorry."

    "Oh, of course not." Milly said, looking up toward the window as well. "It's just as well… Miss?"

    "I wonder what was keeping Dora." Diana asked, and Milly sighed.

    "This is just her, miss, it's what she's like. Work's always going to come first for her." Milly said.

    "Maybe next year?" Diana asked, and Milly shook her head and started trudging down the street.

    "Don't hold your breath, miss." she said.

    Diana signed, her breath curling as steam through her scarf, and she went to follow her aide. I ought to have been pleased by that, to see her moving on, but all I felt instead was sad.

    Unsure what I was doing, I unlatched the window and lifted it, leaning my head out.

    "Diana!" I called, and she looked up.

    "Oh, Dora! Good morning?"

    "I'm sorry I missed you at the party, but I'm free tonight, if you're interested?"

    She looked at me strangely a moment, and Milly clearly wasn't pleased, but then she smiled and waved.

    "Of course! You sure you don't have more paperwork?" she asked, and I shrugged.

    "Nothing so important it can't wait!"
     
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