Dammit, someone has to write this, it's too awesome an idea to be allowed to remain shackled to a hack like Vox Day.
EDIT: Before anyone comments, I'm aware that such does appear as a portion of one of David Eddings'
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Let's Read: Vox Day's Arts of Dork and Spite, and Try to Make the Resulting Hurt Stop.
- Thread starter Space Oddity
- Start date
- Books
EDIT: Before anyone comments, I'm aware that such does appear as a portion of one of David Eddings'
How does Beale's Fantasy Roman Legion compared to Jim Butcher's? Butcher essentially transposed all the structures and cultures of the modern US Army and USMC onto his Legions, with a one-for-one mapping of centurion=NCO and tribune=officer. But at least he made adjustments for the existence of magic.
LordInsane
Loyalist to the Alvarian Merchant's Guild
- Location
- Bohuslän, Occupied Norway
Minor nitpick, but I think you mean the Elenium. That's the Eddings setting with Crystal Dragon!Catholicism (ironically lacking a Crystal Dragon Jesus) and a conclave in the first trilogy.
You are correct, will fix.
- Location
- East Coast
I'm not going to argue with you--it is a great concept.
Also--minor spoiler alert--if you expect that plotline to take center stage, or even be a major thread of this story well... prepare to be disappointed.
Give me time, and you'll see. I'll state that yeah, the "centurions as basically American NCOs and military tribunes as lieutenants" is pretty much in play.
With further strangeness.
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The Victorian
Elven Supremacist
- Location
- Canada
- Pronouns
- He/Him
"The pallid sun was descending, its ineffective rays no longer sufficient to hold it up in the sky or to penetrate the northern winds that gathered strength with the whispering promise of the incipient dark."
Dear god, this is Eragon-level prose. And Christopher Paolini at least has the excuse of being a teenager when he started writing it.
Dear god, this is Eragon-level prose. And Christopher Paolini at least has the excuse of being a teenager when he started writing it.
A Throne of Bones: Marcus. Oh, joy, HIM again.
- Location
- East Coast
MARCUS
And so, after spending some time in his da's head, it's time to see Marcus get his first real taste of battle.
Marcus is on a hill watching the goblin army below and listening to the "evil" sound of their drums. He's with the Second Knights, under his cousin's command. A decurion named Julianus is serving as the chief NCO, and I'll give Beale some points, because that is in fact the Roman cavalry position that is a rough equivalent to a centurion. But I'll dock them immediately, because there's a "reguntur" assisting him, and seeing a Latin verb pressed into business as a noun makes me cry, especially when it's for an imaginary military rank. Marcus tries to count the goblins, which sounds like an exercise in futility, as we're talking thousands upon thousands here. We're told that they aren't arranging themselves in neat, ordered lines like the Amorrans, more proof that gobbos are inferior creatures that can't measure up to Amorran might. Strangely, despite having in the range of a five-to-one advantage, the goblins aren't trying to swarm the Amorran lines to create a breach that they can them charge in--no, they're just parading around, shrieking at the Amorrans, beating their drums. Marcus notes that they arrayed almost exactly like Corvus said they would be, because of course the enemy will do almost exactly like you say they will. It's in the rules.
About the only thing that's happened differently is that Second Knights are facing rather more wolf-riders than expected, with nearly a three to one advantage towards the goblins. This potentially massive advantage is nullified by the wolf-riders acting like a bunch of enemy horsemen, not wishing to ride their steeds up a hill against an enemy force, instead of guys on wolves facing horsemen on a hill, a situation that gives said wolf-riders so many advantages on reflection that the chief Amorran strategy towards wolf-cavalry shouldn't be "nullify it with our horse-cavalry" it should be "keep our horse-cavalry the fuck away from the wolf-riders, because otherwise, our guys die en masse." But I'm making the mistake of trying to imagine how things would actually work in practice, instead of just acting like wolf-cavalry would just be "horse-cavalry, only with wolves." Silly me.
Marcus reminds himself that he's seen combat before, when the werewolf attacked in Summa Elvetica (still on sale!) and Lodi saved his bacon. Lodi has become his "dwarven servant" in this flashback, because of course he has.
Marcus realizes that his da was EXACTLY right about he couldn't comprehend what was war like simply from what he was told--in fact, he does so in words that are practically the same, because dull repetition is one Beale's trademark skills. Then more memories of Summa Elvetica (still on sale!). Fortex interacts with his cousin, and demonstrates that being an obnoxious prat is apparently just what Valerians do, as he mocks Marcus so jerkishly that even the fact it's Marcus doens't soften the obnoxiousness. Everyone else in the squad, we learn, is real excited for the battle, and why not, they're fighting an inferior foe whose tactics are shit, and one that is seeing any potential advantages handwaved away by the man who's writing them.
Goblin archers emerge from the army, but their bows are small for bows, and therefore shit, because Beale apparently has never heard of the bushmen of Africa. They try to launch a volley, but it is a complete failure. The knights just raise their shields and are protected--apparently one horse gets hit, despite the fact that they're highly vulnerable, and "shoot at the horse" is pretty much elementary strategy for archers facing cavalry. Mostly the goblins just aim for the knights and are shit at hitting them. And then those slingers come out and slaughter a bunch of them. Apparently the goblins don't have slingers because they don't, it's never occurred to them to use one of the most basic weapons in the world for war, that's how it is, just shut up. No, they keep on using their shit bows, and shit archery even though it is manifestly not working. At this point I'm increasingly suspecting what the Amorrans think is a deadly goblin horde is in fact some strange form of goblin ritual suicide, possibly done by older members of a tribe to relieve population pressures. It gives this damn thing a reason to be here, something we've yet to hear about. Apparently spawning huge but ineffective armies that die en masse fighting the Amorrans is just what goblins do on Selenoth.
A goblin shaman uses magic on the Amorrans. It's so shit that the Amorrans aren't even alarmed at the fact that they don't have any Michaelines to anti-magic--they just use artillery weapons to batter at the shaman's position, because nothing says "precision firing" like Roman scorpios and onagers. The goblin infantry finally attacks, and it's as ineffective as everything else they do. It also doesn't concern Marcus, because he's with the Knights, and his job is to pin down the wolfriders, which they are doing just by standing on the hill. Yep. The wolfriders don't DARE ride up the hill, on their mounts that are considerably better at managing hills than horses, that would likely cause a substantial number of horses to freak out just by riding up to them and that would likely attack the vulnerable horses turning quite a few of those armored knights into targets. Nope. They are staying put, and yelling at the Amorrans to try and get them to come down and attack them. When that doesn't work, they try the archers again, because maybe this time, the knights will die, or come down after them.
Naturally, the Amorran response is another sling attack. Marcus compares the whole ordeal to Sisyphus and his rock, because of course this universe has Crystal Dragon Sisyphus in it, of course it does, even if there don't seem to be any real Crystal Dragon Greeks around. However, one of the goblins lands a lucky hit on Julianus' arm that misses... the brass greaves he's got on there. Which makes me feel for the poor man, as he's the victim of an author who's mistaken greaves for bracers or gauntlets. Julianus has a slinger kill the goblin, which he does with a stone to the skull that causes "a small red flower" to appear. Remember this. It will be amusing later.
Julianus heads off at the advice of his... reguntur, to get the arrow wound treated, because gobbos, amirite? Julianus heads off, which makes Marcus the most senior officer there, and reiterates that the Knights aren't supposed to attack, just sit back and let the wolfriders waste their time, unless the wolfriders ride up to attack them. It's mentioned that disobeying orders has only three penalties, flogging, degradation and death, because that's how the Amorrans roll.
The battle rages on. The leather-armored goblins are attacking the steel-armored Amorrans with stone clubs and wooden spears, which is bad enough, and they're doing so under an author who underestimates the latter and overestimates the former, which is a death sentence. Further, they refuse to act like an army with a five-to-one advantage, just as they have since the battle's start. At this point, I'm picturing the goblin commander talking to his son and lieutenant on their battle tactics in a Dr. and Scott Evil-esque conversation. Two goblins try hurling a third over the lines. It says something that this is genuinely treated as a valid tactic for the goblins to consider by the text. The Amorrans use their artillery on the goblins again, en masse, and it slaughters a bunch of them, AND somehow doesn't hit any Amorrans, because Roman siege engines work just like modern-cannons only better.
Fortex comes back--he left almost parenthetically earlier--and immediately takes command. He's got a helmet with a beaked mask, to represent the Valerian crow, and... a cavalry lance. Because again, we are in Antiquity and the Middle Ages, all at once. He's also got a taste for veins in his teeth, and starts saying that the wolfriders are clearly on the verge of breaking, that they've got to seize the moment, man, and when a bigger than usual goblin with an actual sword and a skull for a helmet starts talking shit to the knights--at least, he's presumably talking shit, apparently the Amorrans don't bother bringing people along who talk goblin--he really starts feeling it. He announces that screw orders, he's taking the challenge, and if he wins, charge the damn wolves.
Fortex charges out and fights the goblin. Beale briefly seems to realize that the massive advantage he's been assuming that the Amorran cavalry are operating with might be mistaken--that a foe riding a predator low to the ground might actually be a pretty terrifying thing for a cavalryman to face. But then he just presses his hand to the scales and Fortex wins easy, disabling the wolf by... tossing his lance at it, so that the goblin gets thrown. And loses his sword and shield. And then Fortex decapitates his unarmed foe. Which causes the knights to get all excited, so a bunch of them race off to join Fortex against the wolfrider horde. Realizing that he pretty much has no choice here, Marcus decides to give the order to advance. Which he finds strangely calming...
Yup. Yup.
And so, after spending some time in his da's head, it's time to see Marcus get his first real taste of battle.
Marcus is on a hill watching the goblin army below and listening to the "evil" sound of their drums. He's with the Second Knights, under his cousin's command. A decurion named Julianus is serving as the chief NCO, and I'll give Beale some points, because that is in fact the Roman cavalry position that is a rough equivalent to a centurion. But I'll dock them immediately, because there's a "reguntur" assisting him, and seeing a Latin verb pressed into business as a noun makes me cry, especially when it's for an imaginary military rank. Marcus tries to count the goblins, which sounds like an exercise in futility, as we're talking thousands upon thousands here. We're told that they aren't arranging themselves in neat, ordered lines like the Amorrans, more proof that gobbos are inferior creatures that can't measure up to Amorran might. Strangely, despite having in the range of a five-to-one advantage, the goblins aren't trying to swarm the Amorran lines to create a breach that they can them charge in--no, they're just parading around, shrieking at the Amorrans, beating their drums. Marcus notes that they arrayed almost exactly like Corvus said they would be, because of course the enemy will do almost exactly like you say they will. It's in the rules.
About the only thing that's happened differently is that Second Knights are facing rather more wolf-riders than expected, with nearly a three to one advantage towards the goblins. This potentially massive advantage is nullified by the wolf-riders acting like a bunch of enemy horsemen, not wishing to ride their steeds up a hill against an enemy force, instead of guys on wolves facing horsemen on a hill, a situation that gives said wolf-riders so many advantages on reflection that the chief Amorran strategy towards wolf-cavalry shouldn't be "nullify it with our horse-cavalry" it should be "keep our horse-cavalry the fuck away from the wolf-riders, because otherwise, our guys die en masse." But I'm making the mistake of trying to imagine how things would actually work in practice, instead of just acting like wolf-cavalry would just be "horse-cavalry, only with wolves." Silly me.
Marcus reminds himself that he's seen combat before, when the werewolf attacked in Summa Elvetica (still on sale!) and Lodi saved his bacon. Lodi has become his "dwarven servant" in this flashback, because of course he has.
Marcus realizes that his da was EXACTLY right about he couldn't comprehend what was war like simply from what he was told--in fact, he does so in words that are practically the same, because dull repetition is one Beale's trademark skills. Then more memories of Summa Elvetica (still on sale!). Fortex interacts with his cousin, and demonstrates that being an obnoxious prat is apparently just what Valerians do, as he mocks Marcus so jerkishly that even the fact it's Marcus doens't soften the obnoxiousness. Everyone else in the squad, we learn, is real excited for the battle, and why not, they're fighting an inferior foe whose tactics are shit, and one that is seeing any potential advantages handwaved away by the man who's writing them.
Goblin archers emerge from the army, but their bows are small for bows, and therefore shit, because Beale apparently has never heard of the bushmen of Africa. They try to launch a volley, but it is a complete failure. The knights just raise their shields and are protected--apparently one horse gets hit, despite the fact that they're highly vulnerable, and "shoot at the horse" is pretty much elementary strategy for archers facing cavalry. Mostly the goblins just aim for the knights and are shit at hitting them. And then those slingers come out and slaughter a bunch of them. Apparently the goblins don't have slingers because they don't, it's never occurred to them to use one of the most basic weapons in the world for war, that's how it is, just shut up. No, they keep on using their shit bows, and shit archery even though it is manifestly not working. At this point I'm increasingly suspecting what the Amorrans think is a deadly goblin horde is in fact some strange form of goblin ritual suicide, possibly done by older members of a tribe to relieve population pressures. It gives this damn thing a reason to be here, something we've yet to hear about. Apparently spawning huge but ineffective armies that die en masse fighting the Amorrans is just what goblins do on Selenoth.
A goblin shaman uses magic on the Amorrans. It's so shit that the Amorrans aren't even alarmed at the fact that they don't have any Michaelines to anti-magic--they just use artillery weapons to batter at the shaman's position, because nothing says "precision firing" like Roman scorpios and onagers. The goblin infantry finally attacks, and it's as ineffective as everything else they do. It also doesn't concern Marcus, because he's with the Knights, and his job is to pin down the wolfriders, which they are doing just by standing on the hill. Yep. The wolfriders don't DARE ride up the hill, on their mounts that are considerably better at managing hills than horses, that would likely cause a substantial number of horses to freak out just by riding up to them and that would likely attack the vulnerable horses turning quite a few of those armored knights into targets. Nope. They are staying put, and yelling at the Amorrans to try and get them to come down and attack them. When that doesn't work, they try the archers again, because maybe this time, the knights will die, or come down after them.
Naturally, the Amorran response is another sling attack. Marcus compares the whole ordeal to Sisyphus and his rock, because of course this universe has Crystal Dragon Sisyphus in it, of course it does, even if there don't seem to be any real Crystal Dragon Greeks around. However, one of the goblins lands a lucky hit on Julianus' arm that misses... the brass greaves he's got on there. Which makes me feel for the poor man, as he's the victim of an author who's mistaken greaves for bracers or gauntlets. Julianus has a slinger kill the goblin, which he does with a stone to the skull that causes "a small red flower" to appear. Remember this. It will be amusing later.
Julianus heads off at the advice of his... reguntur, to get the arrow wound treated, because gobbos, amirite? Julianus heads off, which makes Marcus the most senior officer there, and reiterates that the Knights aren't supposed to attack, just sit back and let the wolfriders waste their time, unless the wolfriders ride up to attack them. It's mentioned that disobeying orders has only three penalties, flogging, degradation and death, because that's how the Amorrans roll.
The battle rages on. The leather-armored goblins are attacking the steel-armored Amorrans with stone clubs and wooden spears, which is bad enough, and they're doing so under an author who underestimates the latter and overestimates the former, which is a death sentence. Further, they refuse to act like an army with a five-to-one advantage, just as they have since the battle's start. At this point, I'm picturing the goblin commander talking to his son and lieutenant on their battle tactics in a Dr. and Scott Evil-esque conversation. Two goblins try hurling a third over the lines. It says something that this is genuinely treated as a valid tactic for the goblins to consider by the text. The Amorrans use their artillery on the goblins again, en masse, and it slaughters a bunch of them, AND somehow doesn't hit any Amorrans, because Roman siege engines work just like modern-cannons only better.
Fortex comes back--he left almost parenthetically earlier--and immediately takes command. He's got a helmet with a beaked mask, to represent the Valerian crow, and... a cavalry lance. Because again, we are in Antiquity and the Middle Ages, all at once. He's also got a taste for veins in his teeth, and starts saying that the wolfriders are clearly on the verge of breaking, that they've got to seize the moment, man, and when a bigger than usual goblin with an actual sword and a skull for a helmet starts talking shit to the knights--at least, he's presumably talking shit, apparently the Amorrans don't bother bringing people along who talk goblin--he really starts feeling it. He announces that screw orders, he's taking the challenge, and if he wins, charge the damn wolves.
Fortex charges out and fights the goblin. Beale briefly seems to realize that the massive advantage he's been assuming that the Amorran cavalry are operating with might be mistaken--that a foe riding a predator low to the ground might actually be a pretty terrifying thing for a cavalryman to face. But then he just presses his hand to the scales and Fortex wins easy, disabling the wolf by... tossing his lance at it, so that the goblin gets thrown. And loses his sword and shield. And then Fortex decapitates his unarmed foe. Which causes the knights to get all excited, so a bunch of them race off to join Fortex against the wolfrider horde. Realizing that he pretty much has no choice here, Marcus decides to give the order to advance. Which he finds strangely calming...
Yup. Yup.
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- Location
- Los Angles
Goblin blood? Did Alex Jones write this?
- Location
- Somewhere
.....okay, I've deleted my rant regarding the battle itself before even posting, because of course the goblins have Baen Syndrome. But for fucksake make up your mind whether this is earth or not. If it is, that's fucking fine, but stop referencing earth history/myths if it isn't.
A Throne of Bones: The Crows, This chapter happens.
- Location
- East Coast
THE CROWS
Right, this one is a nothingburger. We switch to the crows watching the battle. They enjoy it. Lots of dead goblins and wolves for them to eat. Yummy.
Oh, and we get this sentence about all the soldiers fighting from their viewpoint...
Again, yup.
Right, this one is a nothingburger. We switch to the crows watching the battle. They enjoy it. Lots of dead goblins and wolves for them to eat. Yummy.
Oh, and we get this sentence about all the soldiers fighting from their viewpoint...
Again, yup.
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- Location
- East Coast
The dwarfs apparently have cannons.
But they don't seem to do anything with them, and anyway, Beale wrote that multiple tales ago, and might have forgotten about it.
Someone read that bit in The Hobbit (Lord of the Rings? I forget.) where the PoV suddenly switched to some random fox, and learned the wrong lesson from it.
- Location
- East Coast
Oh, go ahead, rant all you want. It's part of the fun.
- Location
- Somewhere
Why would the goblins not charge the hill. The whole point of this fight is that they are stupidly aggressive. And if they had done so the horses would likely have panicked just from the scent of the wolves before they even got there, not to mention how much more agile a wolve is that a horse, making lance charges less effective. To be blunt, the goblins should have crushed the knights with the kind of numbers advantage presented here. Additionally, why the fuck aren't they using crossbows to make up for their apparent lack of upper body strength archery wise? If cannons are a thing in this world, those certainly should be. Also, firing primitive siege weapons into a mass battle is a great way to lose troops, they aren't anywhere near that accurate. Holy shit, the fucking armies in TSR H1: Bloodstone Pass were better than this and that was FR's first try at a mass combat scenario. (Using FR because it's a similar "grab bag" base concept)
A Throne of Bones: Corvus. In which Corvus watches things.
- Location
- East Coast
CORVUS
Right, now we're watching all this from Corvus' POV. And I mean all this--we aren't moving ahead and seeing how the battle progresses--we are seeing the battle that we just saw happen from Corvus' POV. Now, this would be a valid technique if new information were revealed, but... no, no, it's mostly going to be "the goblins are shit, their tactics are shit, and the Amorrans would have to actively work to lose this battle".
Corvus muses that most battles are fairly low on the bloodshed until one side or another breaks. His musing takes the following direction...
You know, Corvus really shouldn't be so surprised that Marcus speaks the way he does. Because stuff like that makes it pretty clear that the apple did not fall far from the tree.
Anyway, Corvus is determined that his side isn't going to be the one that breaks, and given what we saw in Marcus' chapter, well, he won't. In fact, I've no doubt a young centurion Edmundus Nigracolubra is going to be saving a rising young tribune named Sepeus from a goblin with a sharp piece of fruit somewhere on the field. So... the XVII legion may be green, but its morale is high. The goblins have done more or less everything that he thought they would, and nothing they do in the battle that follows surprises him. The shaman tries the magic, is shit, and gets a load of rocks fired on him by the artillery in a maneuver that seems even stupider on the second go-around. Corvus thinks about how the goblins are weaker and smaller and that their weapons are shit, as are their tactics. The stupid artillery tactics continue. The Amorrans use attacks to rotate fresh troops to the front. Apparently the goblins can't do anything similar because they can't, shut up. Corvus and Saturnius both sit back, watch it go on, and occasionally pat themselves on the back for how awesome they've done, fighting an opponent who is apparently fighting to lose. Corvus thinks how soon in a few hours the wolfriders will retreat, having done absolutely nothing in a battle where they should have been pivotal, the ranks in the rear will run away, then the front when they realize the rear is rushing off. And then he'll have the legion charge forward, and commence the slaughter. He thinks it's a pity that there's some woods nearby, which means that the cavalry won't be able to kill gobbos until nightfall. But hey, he figures they'll slaughter two thousand or so.
Not that killing any of God's creatures gives him joy, mind you.
As Corvus is thinking about all the killing to be done, the knights start getting pumped about Fortex's battle. Saturnius loses his temper, and shouts "Castita merda!" which he follows up by calling Fortex a "stupid, stupid, sopio!" Corvus witnesses it and joins him in getting very upset. Saturnius gives Corvus his sympathy, even as Fortex wins the fight, so it's clear that Fortex might just be in trouble here.
Right, now we're watching all this from Corvus' POV. And I mean all this--we aren't moving ahead and seeing how the battle progresses--we are seeing the battle that we just saw happen from Corvus' POV. Now, this would be a valid technique if new information were revealed, but... no, no, it's mostly going to be "the goblins are shit, their tactics are shit, and the Amorrans would have to actively work to lose this battle".
Corvus muses that most battles are fairly low on the bloodshed until one side or another breaks. His musing takes the following direction...
You know, Corvus really shouldn't be so surprised that Marcus speaks the way he does. Because stuff like that makes it pretty clear that the apple did not fall far from the tree.
Anyway, Corvus is determined that his side isn't going to be the one that breaks, and given what we saw in Marcus' chapter, well, he won't. In fact, I've no doubt a young centurion Edmundus Nigracolubra is going to be saving a rising young tribune named Sepeus from a goblin with a sharp piece of fruit somewhere on the field. So... the XVII legion may be green, but its morale is high. The goblins have done more or less everything that he thought they would, and nothing they do in the battle that follows surprises him. The shaman tries the magic, is shit, and gets a load of rocks fired on him by the artillery in a maneuver that seems even stupider on the second go-around. Corvus thinks about how the goblins are weaker and smaller and that their weapons are shit, as are their tactics. The stupid artillery tactics continue. The Amorrans use attacks to rotate fresh troops to the front. Apparently the goblins can't do anything similar because they can't, shut up. Corvus and Saturnius both sit back, watch it go on, and occasionally pat themselves on the back for how awesome they've done, fighting an opponent who is apparently fighting to lose. Corvus thinks how soon in a few hours the wolfriders will retreat, having done absolutely nothing in a battle where they should have been pivotal, the ranks in the rear will run away, then the front when they realize the rear is rushing off. And then he'll have the legion charge forward, and commence the slaughter. He thinks it's a pity that there's some woods nearby, which means that the cavalry won't be able to kill gobbos until nightfall. But hey, he figures they'll slaughter two thousand or so.
Not that killing any of God's creatures gives him joy, mind you.
As Corvus is thinking about all the killing to be done, the knights start getting pumped about Fortex's battle. Saturnius loses his temper, and shouts "Castita merda!" which he follows up by calling Fortex a "stupid, stupid, sopio!" Corvus witnesses it and joins him in getting very upset. Saturnius gives Corvus his sympathy, even as Fortex wins the fight, so it's clear that Fortex might just be in trouble here.
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Coiler
ROURKE
Now I'm getting flashbacks to Red Storm Rising (which did a ton of perspectives in a mediocre way) and later technothriller stories that cargo-culted it (and did said perspective shifts very badly).
A Throne of Bones: Fortex. In which Fortex begins what is doubtless going to be a fascinating career as a POV character.
- Location
- East Coast
FORTEX
So... still on the battle with the goblin army of fail. Fortex is raising up his slain foe's head, and is just a bit nervous, because now he's alone among all these goblins. He curses Marcus for not coming to his aid, then remembers he told Marcus to hold his ground until the gobbos broke, and they aren't breaking. He muses that at this range, the goblins' shit bows aren't shit. His sword is streaked with goblin blood, a dark green ichor... yes, Beale just gave goblins green blood, and forgot to go back and change the time they bled red a few chapters ago. Because he's a terrible editor.
Fortex muses on his battle with the goblin, and he tells us nothing we don't know, while confirming that he's an egotistical prat even for a Valerian. He decides that if he's dead, he's going to die in style, tosses away his shield, tugs off the goblin's head from his sword--it takes a couple tugs--screams at the goblins...
Yeah, for people who can kill this guy at a whim, the goblins are doing a shit job of it. Anyway, Fortex declares on the matter of the head...
Following which he tosses the head. And is surprised when they all flinch at it, because that's an Amorran for you. Screaming about how everyone else is an inhuman demon while acting like D&D orcs. Fortex prepares to go down swinging, and why not, the goblins have given him plenty of time to, when the cavalry charge Marcus ordered happens--remember that? Fortex immediately gets all cheery as the first knights who broke off join him, and then twelve of them fight the wolfriders, with Fortex's warhorse Incitatus acting just like how you'd expect a traditionally skittish herd animal to act in the presence of a massive number of predators, riding towards them and breaking their skulls...
Right, right, warhorse, but even so, these are animals that take massive amounts of training to even consider trampling. Anyway, the wolves are all slower than the horses, so at this point, it's a metaphorical turkey shoot for Fortex and company. Beale briefly seems to be aware that uneven ground isn't good for horses, but he just uses it to show how shit the goblins are, once again. Yes, Fortex is just having a grand old time, and enjoys a bit of natter with Marcus. Marcus wants to hit the infantry from behind, but Fortex actually has to tell him, no, no, you don't want to make the goblins too desperate. Give them a chance to escape. Personally, I don't see the point. These goblins clearly have no idea what they're doing, so pressing for a fantasy Cannae seems reasonable. But, no, no, Fortex suggests a flanking attack will do just as well.
And apparently it does, because we join Fortex two hours lately thinking how cherry that battle went. Oh, and yet another precision Amorran artillery barrage was used, and again, the rocks just magically don't hit the Amorrans. Fortex gets praised by a centurion for showing that the Knights ain't just a bunch of chickenshit aristos on horseback. Fortex also reveals that the exact point of this battle is... mysterious--he doesn't actually know if the goblins have ever marched on Amorr proper. Not that he cares. Killing things is its own reward. Fortex spies one Crescentius the... laticlavus, which... well, that's a noun, but it refers to the purple stripe on a toga of distinction... Right, enough of Beale's mutant Latin. Fortex assumes Cresentius is there to take him to the legate, starts wondering how awesome the promotion is going to be, and is promptly placed under arrest for the whole 'disobeying explicit orders' thing.
Whoops.
So... still on the battle with the goblin army of fail. Fortex is raising up his slain foe's head, and is just a bit nervous, because now he's alone among all these goblins. He curses Marcus for not coming to his aid, then remembers he told Marcus to hold his ground until the gobbos broke, and they aren't breaking. He muses that at this range, the goblins' shit bows aren't shit. His sword is streaked with goblin blood, a dark green ichor... yes, Beale just gave goblins green blood, and forgot to go back and change the time they bled red a few chapters ago. Because he's a terrible editor.
Fortex muses on his battle with the goblin, and he tells us nothing we don't know, while confirming that he's an egotistical prat even for a Valerian. He decides that if he's dead, he's going to die in style, tosses away his shield, tugs off the goblin's head from his sword--it takes a couple tugs--screams at the goblins...
Yeah, for people who can kill this guy at a whim, the goblins are doing a shit job of it. Anyway, Fortex declares on the matter of the head...
Following which he tosses the head. And is surprised when they all flinch at it, because that's an Amorran for you. Screaming about how everyone else is an inhuman demon while acting like D&D orcs. Fortex prepares to go down swinging, and why not, the goblins have given him plenty of time to, when the cavalry charge Marcus ordered happens--remember that? Fortex immediately gets all cheery as the first knights who broke off join him, and then twelve of them fight the wolfriders, with Fortex's warhorse Incitatus acting just like how you'd expect a traditionally skittish herd animal to act in the presence of a massive number of predators, riding towards them and breaking their skulls...
Right, right, warhorse, but even so, these are animals that take massive amounts of training to even consider trampling. Anyway, the wolves are all slower than the horses, so at this point, it's a metaphorical turkey shoot for Fortex and company. Beale briefly seems to be aware that uneven ground isn't good for horses, but he just uses it to show how shit the goblins are, once again. Yes, Fortex is just having a grand old time, and enjoys a bit of natter with Marcus. Marcus wants to hit the infantry from behind, but Fortex actually has to tell him, no, no, you don't want to make the goblins too desperate. Give them a chance to escape. Personally, I don't see the point. These goblins clearly have no idea what they're doing, so pressing for a fantasy Cannae seems reasonable. But, no, no, Fortex suggests a flanking attack will do just as well.
And apparently it does, because we join Fortex two hours lately thinking how cherry that battle went. Oh, and yet another precision Amorran artillery barrage was used, and again, the rocks just magically don't hit the Amorrans. Fortex gets praised by a centurion for showing that the Knights ain't just a bunch of chickenshit aristos on horseback. Fortex also reveals that the exact point of this battle is... mysterious--he doesn't actually know if the goblins have ever marched on Amorr proper. Not that he cares. Killing things is its own reward. Fortex spies one Crescentius the... laticlavus, which... well, that's a noun, but it refers to the purple stripe on a toga of distinction... Right, enough of Beale's mutant Latin. Fortex assumes Cresentius is there to take him to the legate, starts wondering how awesome the promotion is going to be, and is promptly placed under arrest for the whole 'disobeying explicit orders' thing.
Whoops.
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- Location
- East Coast
The funny-sad thing about Beale is that in many ways he actually seems to be regressing as a writer. Which is largely inevitable when you realize that he's not letting in any valid criticism of his work and is getting praise and attention from his little sad corner of the Interweb for this shit.
You'd have to actually think about things to realize the flaws in this scenario, and Beale doesn't want to.
I was going to ask what this was a reference to, and then realized it was probably to Blackadder.
- Location
- East Coast
The Victorian
Elven Supremacist
- Location
- Canada
- Pronouns
- He/Him
I had to look up what "Baen Syndrome" meant, which led me to SB. I got a warning about an invalid security certificate, and when I tried to visit the site I was blocked by Tim Horton's Wi-Fi (I was using my phone at the time) on account of "Inappropriate Content."
Strange, that.
- Location
- Somewhere
Oddly, I learned it because of Athene and her let's read of Kratman.
A Throne of Bones: Severa. Reader, meet another plotline.
- Location
- East Coast
SEVERA
By now, the casual reader is thinking they've got this book down. "Okay," they say, "we're following this legion, and the people in it. And probably, at some point, this is going back to the fantasy Papal Conclave, which is connected to the pretend Romans, anyway. So... I'm getting this down."
This chapter is a slap in the face as regards that belief. Which is still better than a punch to the gut. That's the next few chapters.
So... we are in an arena. Which suggests this might be back in Amorr, but nothing definite is stated. Severa is watching a gladiator match with some company, in a box that their slaves have prepared for them. Yeah, it's the full Amorran slavery awfulness, now joined with their military awfulness from the previous chapters. The match is two women in leather armor armed with spears against a goblin in a loincloth armed with a dagger.
Loverly people the Amorrans.
Right, so now the question is, who the hell is Severa, and why do we care about her watching Amorran crimes against humanity and goblin..anity?
Well... hmmm, she's a girl, and her company at the match are her father, her three brothers, and two friends, Caera and Falconilla. Her oldest brother is Regulus. Her youngest is Tertius, who's a year older than her. She has a mother and a younger sister, but Severilla is too young to watch all this bloodshed and mother is using that as an excuse to avoid watching the bloodshed. Also, her friends are excited to be seen in "the princep's box" and... that should be "princeps'", or even "princeps's" but again, Beale is shit at Latin. So that's why Severa is important--her family are apparently big wheels in what is probably Amorr, but not necessarily. They could just be local bigs of some regional hub, for all we know.
One of her friends is disgusted by the goblins, which causes Tertius to note that the Valerians have three legions marching through goblin lands right now--yes, the Amorrans are invading goblin territory, the jerks, though let's be honest, nothing about the Amorrans' boundless hypocrisy surprises us now. The Severans and their buddies muse on who the women are, which leads to insulting the Valerians, who the Severans don't like. And also another family, the Andronicans, but we haven't met any so, they're just background detail. The goblin scores a hit on one of the women, which gets the following sentence...
Tertius reveals that the woman is a poisoner who killed her husband. The other woman is an adulteress who went to a witch for an abortion. Tertius explains that he bets on the fights, and having no intention of betting blind, had his slave check on the women's real identity. The "libellis"... oh, God, please stop, Beale... says it's a pair of Cynothii warrior women fighting a goblin blademaster, but no, it's just a couple of condemned criminals duking it out with some goblin.
Amorr. It's fucking awful in every conceivable way.
Tertius reveals he bet on the goblin, as he rather doubted the women actually had much training, and that he checked on this one because he rather doubted there were any Cynothii captives hanging about, as the Cynothii beat the Legio XIV a few months back, and if anything, they should be the ones with Amorrans battling each other to death in their arenas. Their father points out that the Cynothii are civilized folk, not screaming barbarians who don't even have "warrior women" to duke to the death anyway. Even if they are rebellious provincials. Which tells us that the great Amorran Empire is facing what sounds like a serious rebellion and it's about time.
The battle continues to go badly for the women, as the goblin is summoning the sort of luck and determination that you wish his fellows could have summoned up a few chapters ago--while the two women are finally trying to attack in unison, they're still pretty crap at it. The goblin manages to spook the wounded one and get her to drop her spear, then goes for the better weapon. The other woman makes an attempt to hit the goblin from behind with her spear before he can pick it up, but the goblin manages to get the drop on her. He turns around and tosses the dagger at her face. Though she only gets hit by the handle she drops HER spear... man, these women are astonishingly shit. Anyway, the goblin picks up the spear he was going for earlier, stabs the wounded woman to death, and then it's a one on one battle. Severa says she'd rather be executed than go through this, and she has a point, as we then watch the remaining woman "lose control of her bladder," following which the goblin strangles her to death. Over several paragraphs.
The crowd's response is... understandably lackluster, though Tertius is glad to win his bet, the little asshole. Then, a tune, and a dwarf slave juggling skulls until the next match. Those Amorrans sure know how to put on a show. Severa mentions that abortionist witch again, and notes that she likes to watch the crowd at these things more than the matches, and how it almost seems like a pagan ritual. And that's because it is--gladiator fighters started as Roman funeral games with a side-order of human sacrifice. Severa asks one of her friends who is apparently not enjoying herself if she wants to go, after one Clusius fights. This is Silicus Clusius... oh, these names... and Severa apparently has a bit of crush on him. And bets on him with Tertius.
The next match is... yeah, it's an animal fight, a bear against five wolves. It's not impressive, and the wolves win. The arena really seems to be botching its undercard matches. The next is... a goblin and a dwarf on pigs slaughtering rabbits with lances. The poor bastards are doing this under the names "Ser Snotshafter Rabbitsbane" and "Ser Borgulus the Bunnyslayer", because Beale wants everyone to remember this about being better than GRR Martin again. Apparently, the winner gets rabbit stew, the loser will fight a warboar in a later match, but that's on the same... libellis that says convicts are foreign warrior women. Because this thing just screams fix--the goblin gets to an early lead, but then the dwarf somehow starts using his lance as a... club... Beale doesn't get lances... and just racks up the kills, so the dwarf wins. Right, Borgulus and Snotshafter are partners, and enjoying a cut from the house for running their scam. Beale can insist otherwise, but he's lying.
Silicus Clusius takes to the ring, and we learn Severa thinks he's hawt and super-foine. Oh, and he's wearing a token she sent him, a strip of red silk from one of her gowns. Severa thinks how she's the only one who knows the REAL Silicus, from all the supercool love poetry he's sent her. Though she also loves how he is, again, hawt and super-foine. Suddenly, she gets a penetrating glance from her father, who she seems to be quite terrified of, and who she hopes doesn't realize how deep her gladiator fixation is going. She's worried he's going to SAY SOMETHING, but her da keeps quiet for now, leaving her to pray to Amorran Crystal Dragon Jesus that her crush doesn't die in the arena.
The fight is on. The chapter ends.
By now, the casual reader is thinking they've got this book down. "Okay," they say, "we're following this legion, and the people in it. And probably, at some point, this is going back to the fantasy Papal Conclave, which is connected to the pretend Romans, anyway. So... I'm getting this down."
This chapter is a slap in the face as regards that belief. Which is still better than a punch to the gut. That's the next few chapters.
So... we are in an arena. Which suggests this might be back in Amorr, but nothing definite is stated. Severa is watching a gladiator match with some company, in a box that their slaves have prepared for them. Yeah, it's the full Amorran slavery awfulness, now joined with their military awfulness from the previous chapters. The match is two women in leather armor armed with spears against a goblin in a loincloth armed with a dagger.
Loverly people the Amorrans.
Right, so now the question is, who the hell is Severa, and why do we care about her watching Amorran crimes against humanity and goblin..anity?
Well... hmmm, she's a girl, and her company at the match are her father, her three brothers, and two friends, Caera and Falconilla. Her oldest brother is Regulus. Her youngest is Tertius, who's a year older than her. She has a mother and a younger sister, but Severilla is too young to watch all this bloodshed and mother is using that as an excuse to avoid watching the bloodshed. Also, her friends are excited to be seen in "the princep's box" and... that should be "princeps'", or even "princeps's" but again, Beale is shit at Latin. So that's why Severa is important--her family are apparently big wheels in what is probably Amorr, but not necessarily. They could just be local bigs of some regional hub, for all we know.
One of her friends is disgusted by the goblins, which causes Tertius to note that the Valerians have three legions marching through goblin lands right now--yes, the Amorrans are invading goblin territory, the jerks, though let's be honest, nothing about the Amorrans' boundless hypocrisy surprises us now. The Severans and their buddies muse on who the women are, which leads to insulting the Valerians, who the Severans don't like. And also another family, the Andronicans, but we haven't met any so, they're just background detail. The goblin scores a hit on one of the women, which gets the following sentence...
Tertius reveals that the woman is a poisoner who killed her husband. The other woman is an adulteress who went to a witch for an abortion. Tertius explains that he bets on the fights, and having no intention of betting blind, had his slave check on the women's real identity. The "libellis"... oh, God, please stop, Beale... says it's a pair of Cynothii warrior women fighting a goblin blademaster, but no, it's just a couple of condemned criminals duking it out with some goblin.
Amorr. It's fucking awful in every conceivable way.
Tertius reveals he bet on the goblin, as he rather doubted the women actually had much training, and that he checked on this one because he rather doubted there were any Cynothii captives hanging about, as the Cynothii beat the Legio XIV a few months back, and if anything, they should be the ones with Amorrans battling each other to death in their arenas. Their father points out that the Cynothii are civilized folk, not screaming barbarians who don't even have "warrior women" to duke to the death anyway. Even if they are rebellious provincials. Which tells us that the great Amorran Empire is facing what sounds like a serious rebellion and it's about time.
The battle continues to go badly for the women, as the goblin is summoning the sort of luck and determination that you wish his fellows could have summoned up a few chapters ago--while the two women are finally trying to attack in unison, they're still pretty crap at it. The goblin manages to spook the wounded one and get her to drop her spear, then goes for the better weapon. The other woman makes an attempt to hit the goblin from behind with her spear before he can pick it up, but the goblin manages to get the drop on her. He turns around and tosses the dagger at her face. Though she only gets hit by the handle she drops HER spear... man, these women are astonishingly shit. Anyway, the goblin picks up the spear he was going for earlier, stabs the wounded woman to death, and then it's a one on one battle. Severa says she'd rather be executed than go through this, and she has a point, as we then watch the remaining woman "lose control of her bladder," following which the goblin strangles her to death. Over several paragraphs.
The crowd's response is... understandably lackluster, though Tertius is glad to win his bet, the little asshole. Then, a tune, and a dwarf slave juggling skulls until the next match. Those Amorrans sure know how to put on a show. Severa mentions that abortionist witch again, and notes that she likes to watch the crowd at these things more than the matches, and how it almost seems like a pagan ritual. And that's because it is--gladiator fighters started as Roman funeral games with a side-order of human sacrifice. Severa asks one of her friends who is apparently not enjoying herself if she wants to go, after one Clusius fights. This is Silicus Clusius... oh, these names... and Severa apparently has a bit of crush on him. And bets on him with Tertius.
The next match is... yeah, it's an animal fight, a bear against five wolves. It's not impressive, and the wolves win. The arena really seems to be botching its undercard matches. The next is... a goblin and a dwarf on pigs slaughtering rabbits with lances. The poor bastards are doing this under the names "Ser Snotshafter Rabbitsbane" and "Ser Borgulus the Bunnyslayer", because Beale wants everyone to remember this about being better than GRR Martin again. Apparently, the winner gets rabbit stew, the loser will fight a warboar in a later match, but that's on the same... libellis that says convicts are foreign warrior women. Because this thing just screams fix--the goblin gets to an early lead, but then the dwarf somehow starts using his lance as a... club... Beale doesn't get lances... and just racks up the kills, so the dwarf wins. Right, Borgulus and Snotshafter are partners, and enjoying a cut from the house for running their scam. Beale can insist otherwise, but he's lying.
Silicus Clusius takes to the ring, and we learn Severa thinks he's hawt and super-foine. Oh, and he's wearing a token she sent him, a strip of red silk from one of her gowns. Severa thinks how she's the only one who knows the REAL Silicus, from all the supercool love poetry he's sent her. Though she also loves how he is, again, hawt and super-foine. Suddenly, she gets a penetrating glance from her father, who she seems to be quite terrified of, and who she hopes doesn't realize how deep her gladiator fixation is going. She's worried he's going to SAY SOMETHING, but her da keeps quiet for now, leaving her to pray to Amorran Crystal Dragon Jesus that her crush doesn't die in the arena.
The fight is on. The chapter ends.
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