- Location
- East Coast
Ayyup.
The Alt-Right would be pretty damn amusing, if they weren't so creepybad on top of things.
Let's Read: Vox Day's Arts of Dork and Spite, and Try to Make the Resulting Hurt Stop.
- Thread starter Space Oddity
- Start date
- Books
Ayyup.
The Alt-Right would be pretty damn amusing, if they weren't so creepybad on top of things.
A Sea of Skulls: Steinthor. Hey, it's Steinthor agai--oh, wait, he's dead.
- Location
- East Coast
STEINTHOR
And we're with Steinthor again, and in another example of how shit Beale is with the timeline of this thing, it's right after his first chapter, which was shortly after Skuli's chapter, which was probably happening a little before Fjotra's last chapters in the last book. So, Steinthor isn't just in another plotline than most of the rest of the book, his story is probably already finished by the time most of the stories in it begin.
Brilliant editing, there, Teddy.
Steinthor limps into the drinking hall, and everyone is drinking and celebrating because tomorrow they will die, and by 'tomorrow' I mean, 'in a few hours, if they're lucky'. Steinthor exchanges some witticisms about one of his fellow dead Cod-Vikings, and then gets ready for a drink.
...
Yeah. We learn that the ale is poisoned, because of course it is, so, the Cod-Vikings get all cult of death, chanting about dying and killing, and Steinthor...
Beale knows this should work, because he's read other books where scenes like this work, so if he just makes it like them, it will work. Quod erat demonstrandum.
The Cod-Vikings open the doors, to prepare for their epic death charge, drinking some more and yelling out death some more.
Cut to the Cod-Werewolves. They are of course surprised by this attack, because the Cod-Werewolves suck at everything and only win by plot fiat and sheer numbers. The doomed Cod-Vikings cut through them with ease. The big point of this is to kill as many Cod-werewolves as possible, and then possibly kill some more by getting them sick when they eat the Cod-Vikings poisoned corpses. Good to know they have a clear agenda. Steinthor and company charge up a hill to face the main Cod-Werewolf camp, were Steinthor meets one of the actual shapeshifting Cod-Werewolves in human form, who goes all Bond Villain on him. Steinthor launches an attack, then dies of wounds and poison. The Cod-Werewolf digs in for a meal, and Steinthor feels all proud about how he's going to get him good from beyond the grave. Yep, he's cheery as he gets devoured.
I'm glad somebody's happy.
And we're with Steinthor again, and in another example of how shit Beale is with the timeline of this thing, it's right after his first chapter, which was shortly after Skuli's chapter, which was probably happening a little before Fjotra's last chapters in the last book. So, Steinthor isn't just in another plotline than most of the rest of the book, his story is probably already finished by the time most of the stories in it begin.
Brilliant editing, there, Teddy.
Steinthor limps into the drinking hall, and everyone is drinking and celebrating because tomorrow they will die, and by 'tomorrow' I mean, 'in a few hours, if they're lucky'. Steinthor exchanges some witticisms about one of his fellow dead Cod-Vikings, and then gets ready for a drink.
...
Yeah. We learn that the ale is poisoned, because of course it is, so, the Cod-Vikings get all cult of death, chanting about dying and killing, and Steinthor...
Beale knows this should work, because he's read other books where scenes like this work, so if he just makes it like them, it will work. Quod erat demonstrandum.
The Cod-Vikings open the doors, to prepare for their epic death charge, drinking some more and yelling out death some more.
Cut to the Cod-Werewolves. They are of course surprised by this attack, because the Cod-Werewolves suck at everything and only win by plot fiat and sheer numbers. The doomed Cod-Vikings cut through them with ease. The big point of this is to kill as many Cod-werewolves as possible, and then possibly kill some more by getting them sick when they eat the Cod-Vikings poisoned corpses. Good to know they have a clear agenda. Steinthor and company charge up a hill to face the main Cod-Werewolf camp, were Steinthor meets one of the actual shapeshifting Cod-Werewolves in human form, who goes all Bond Villain on him. Steinthor launches an attack, then dies of wounds and poison. The Cod-Werewolf digs in for a meal, and Steinthor feels all proud about how he's going to get him good from beyond the grave. Yep, he's cheery as he gets devoured.
I'm glad somebody's happy.
A Sea of Skulls: Skuli. Fjotra's da's exceedingly dull adventures .
- Location
- East Coast
SKULI
And we move onto to Fjotra's da, who is considering the fate of his bestie with a manly tear. After some quality musing, he and his second-in-command talk about the Cod Werewolves, telling us things we already know. Dull--have I worn the joke out yet? No? Well, then--dull repetition. Skuli thinks that the Cod Vikings remain ignorant about where the Cod Werewolves come from, even after decades of war. To which I say, "Duh, your society remains ignorant of windows and bells despite spending centuries raiding neighbors who have those things in abundance". The infodumping continues, and it is almost all stuff we already know.
Then we get interrupted by mealtime.
So, good to see Beale can still absolutely mangle a sentence on a completely minor topic. Skuli eats his fish, chats with Erlind, and then muses some more. And then, oh, yeah, it's another bit of bad poetry. Following which we get a few details about their voyage, and their plan to search the island for Cod Werewolves. They head to what used to be the largest town, decades ago, because sure. Skuli plans for combat, and hopes to encounter only unarmed female Cod Werewolves and Cod Werewolf pups. Because of course, Cod Werewolves, instead of acting like wolves, have broken down into the same ultra-sexist roles that Beale has given everyone else in this damn world. We meet more Cod Vikings who the book will try to insist are important, and then the adventuring party is off.
After a few days of searching, they ambush some Cod Werewolves, accompanied by a young woman who Skuli is sure is a shapeshifter. Skuli spends his time beating her up while his men slaughter the Cod Werewolves. Then she reveals that she isn't a Cod Werewolf at all, and on that mystery we end the chapter.
And Skuli's presence in this book. Yep, great editing job here.
And we move onto to Fjotra's da, who is considering the fate of his bestie with a manly tear. After some quality musing, he and his second-in-command talk about the Cod Werewolves, telling us things we already know. Dull--have I worn the joke out yet? No? Well, then--dull repetition. Skuli thinks that the Cod Vikings remain ignorant about where the Cod Werewolves come from, even after decades of war. To which I say, "Duh, your society remains ignorant of windows and bells despite spending centuries raiding neighbors who have those things in abundance". The infodumping continues, and it is almost all stuff we already know.
Then we get interrupted by mealtime.
So, good to see Beale can still absolutely mangle a sentence on a completely minor topic. Skuli eats his fish, chats with Erlind, and then muses some more. And then, oh, yeah, it's another bit of bad poetry. Following which we get a few details about their voyage, and their plan to search the island for Cod Werewolves. They head to what used to be the largest town, decades ago, because sure. Skuli plans for combat, and hopes to encounter only unarmed female Cod Werewolves and Cod Werewolf pups. Because of course, Cod Werewolves, instead of acting like wolves, have broken down into the same ultra-sexist roles that Beale has given everyone else in this damn world. We meet more Cod Vikings who the book will try to insist are important, and then the adventuring party is off.
After a few days of searching, they ambush some Cod Werewolves, accompanied by a young woman who Skuli is sure is a shapeshifter. Skuli spends his time beating her up while his men slaughter the Cod Werewolves. Then she reveals that she isn't a Cod Werewolf at all, and on that mystery we end the chapter.
And Skuli's presence in this book. Yep, great editing job here.
- Location
- East Coast
Werewolves in general are not depicted as acting like wolves?
I mean, sometimes they're depicted as acting like the pop culture version of wolves based on long-disproven theories from the '70s based on observations of wolves in captivity during the late '40s, but that's generally as close as they get?
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- Location
- East Coast
Yes, and Beale's werewolves fail even at that low standard.
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Good, it wouldn't do to give potential defenders of his work any leg to stand on.
Captain Orsai
Davion Heavy Guards Captain
To be fairer than I probably should be, it just depends on how much that makes you stand out, considering the origins of that kind of name. Although it certainly doesn't look like Beale's actually done much there.
(then, I've seen that specific epithet done much better, by Dan Abnett; one of the minor Space Wolf characters in Prospero Burns being Jormungndr Two-blade, so named because of his twin sword fighting style, which makes him stand out with the majority of the Wolves favouring single-weapon styles)
- Location
- East Coast
The idea, I think, is that he fights with two daggers.
A Sea of Skulls: Lodi. Still here. Still painful.
- Location
- East Coast
LODI
We open with the fight promised in the last chapter, as Beale continues to demonstrate that he does not get how to juggle timelines with multiple viewpoints--this chapter might actually come significantly after the chapter immediately before it, while significantly before the chapters that proceeded it, assuming there's any sort of reasonable passage of time occurring. And boy does it start with a doozy, as Beale tries his hardest to have STYLE. Yes, Beale's apparently realized he can use sentence fragments. But have no idea how to, as this is what he produces.
...
Look upon his works, ye mighty and despair.
So, the combat goes on, and it's... dull as hell. As usual, Beale's enemies of good are wielding crude weapons and retreat as soon as they encounter any tactics more sophisticated then "cower in terror". Once they're gone, we learn about the mysterious foes, who are apparently the draktakha, who are just another thing in this half-assed fantasy world. Lodi chats with the locals, and counts the dead, none of who we really care about, not even the young dwarf recruit who was introduced last chapter. There's a lot of musing and chatting, none of it very interesting. Lodi chats with Myf the next day, and Beale tries to have sexual tension between the pair. It really doesn't work. Then there's a mass funeral, following which Lodi chats about an alternate way to get a message to the King, because remember, the dwarfs don't have any alternate way to keep the train running. They hit upon something with carts, after lengthy, dull conversations. And then... another terrible poem, which actually isn't too different from the orcs poems about how randy and tough they are, but it must be different, because the dwarfs are not orcs and we like them. Or we're supposed to. Then more attempted sexual tension with Myf. And that's that. The chapter's done, and more importantly, no more Lodi in this book. Yes, that's his last chapter, and if things once more end with no real resolution, well, let's be honest, in this case, it's a mercy.
We open with the fight promised in the last chapter, as Beale continues to demonstrate that he does not get how to juggle timelines with multiple viewpoints--this chapter might actually come significantly after the chapter immediately before it, while significantly before the chapters that proceeded it, assuming there's any sort of reasonable passage of time occurring. And boy does it start with a doozy, as Beale tries his hardest to have STYLE. Yes, Beale's apparently realized he can use sentence fragments. But have no idea how to, as this is what he produces.
...
Look upon his works, ye mighty and despair.
So, the combat goes on, and it's... dull as hell. As usual, Beale's enemies of good are wielding crude weapons and retreat as soon as they encounter any tactics more sophisticated then "cower in terror". Once they're gone, we learn about the mysterious foes, who are apparently the draktakha, who are just another thing in this half-assed fantasy world. Lodi chats with the locals, and counts the dead, none of who we really care about, not even the young dwarf recruit who was introduced last chapter. There's a lot of musing and chatting, none of it very interesting. Lodi chats with Myf the next day, and Beale tries to have sexual tension between the pair. It really doesn't work. Then there's a mass funeral, following which Lodi chats about an alternate way to get a message to the King, because remember, the dwarfs don't have any alternate way to keep the train running. They hit upon something with carts, after lengthy, dull conversations. And then... another terrible poem, which actually isn't too different from the orcs poems about how randy and tough they are, but it must be different, because the dwarfs are not orcs and we like them. Or we're supposed to. Then more attempted sexual tension with Myf. And that's that. The chapter's done, and more importantly, no more Lodi in this book. Yes, that's his last chapter, and if things once more end with no real resolution, well, let's be honest, in this case, it's a mercy.
- Location
- East Coast
It's already been screwed up by dwarven cannons and dwarven napalm all the way back in Summing Up da Elves. It's just that this makes it clear that yes, we're at full schizotech.
- Location
- Somewhere
And that somehow humans are so much more badass that they enslaved the dwarves who have trains, cannon, and napalm, despite themselves having only Romen era tech and less magic than the elves. I'm guessing no explanation for this will be forthcoming.
- Location
- East Coast
To be fair, dwarf slaves seem to be a smattering of individuals caught outside the mountains, so the tech advantage doesn't help much. Kind of like how the Barbary pirates kept being a problem well into the 19th century.
- Location
- Somewhere
Eh, if it was me that sort of thing would be dealt with like what happens if you annoy the gnomes in Practical Guide to Evil. (They send you a letter. If you get three letters, it means they are going to bomb you into the stone age)
A Sea of Skulls: Lugbol. The orc stays in the picutre.
- Location
- East Coast
LUGBOL
And we're back with Lugbol, apparently only a few days after his last chapter, so... who the hell knows just how much time has happened in this damn book? Things are occurring. That's the important thing. Lugbol is feeling all post-coital and sated, while his ladyorcfriend, Tadezha says that, golly, she wishes she could be his full-time lady, instead of the Great Orc's in a scene that goes on, and on, and gives us yet another creepy look at Beale's misogynistic headspace. Their little chat is finally interrupted by Lugbol getting called out to go meet with some orc we've never heard of before and we are all relieved. Except then we get a lot more orcs all speaking in Beale's awful Warhammer rip-off dialect. And, oh is it painful. Lugbol proves he is a tough one, yes he is, even if he isn't as tall as the other orcs.
They all chat about things, including eating humans, because remember, EEEVULLL! Then they chat about the war, and yes, it's more info we already know because dull repetition, dull repetition, always, always dull repetition. Lugbol is told he's going to be commanding the light infantry, and he is so impressed, because they are a lot of it, and he wouldn't be a Beale protagonist if he didn't get totally undeserved promotions. Lugbol heads back and tells the men, and then faces his old enemy from the first chapter, who Beale has apparently just remembered. Said enemy's gotten a dim-witted musclehead to serve as a catspaw. Lugbol has one of his orcs shoot him. Then explains that his enemy has sort of messed-up here. What follows is another dull, confusing fight scene that ends with Lugbol curbstomping his now suppine foe, because orc.
So, yeah, another chapter with nothing really happening. Yawn.
And we're back with Lugbol, apparently only a few days after his last chapter, so... who the hell knows just how much time has happened in this damn book? Things are occurring. That's the important thing. Lugbol is feeling all post-coital and sated, while his ladyorcfriend, Tadezha says that, golly, she wishes she could be his full-time lady, instead of the Great Orc's in a scene that goes on, and on, and gives us yet another creepy look at Beale's misogynistic headspace. Their little chat is finally interrupted by Lugbol getting called out to go meet with some orc we've never heard of before and we are all relieved. Except then we get a lot more orcs all speaking in Beale's awful Warhammer rip-off dialect. And, oh is it painful. Lugbol proves he is a tough one, yes he is, even if he isn't as tall as the other orcs.
They all chat about things, including eating humans, because remember, EEEVULLL! Then they chat about the war, and yes, it's more info we already know because dull repetition, dull repetition, always, always dull repetition. Lugbol is told he's going to be commanding the light infantry, and he is so impressed, because they are a lot of it, and he wouldn't be a Beale protagonist if he didn't get totally undeserved promotions. Lugbol heads back and tells the men, and then faces his old enemy from the first chapter, who Beale has apparently just remembered. Said enemy's gotten a dim-witted musclehead to serve as a catspaw. Lugbol has one of his orcs shoot him. Then explains that his enemy has sort of messed-up here. What follows is another dull, confusing fight scene that ends with Lugbol curbstomping his now suppine foe, because orc.
So, yeah, another chapter with nothing really happening. Yawn.
A Sea of Skulls: Bereth. Oh, joy. Another POV.
- Location
- East Coast
BERETH
And yes, now that we're just a tad shy of 3/4s of the way through this thing, another POV. Bereth. Let's see, who's Bereth? Well, the narration doesn't help us much at first. We get some thing about how she enjoys sky riding, and then... this.
...
...
Amorran Crystal Dragon Jesus help us.
So, Bereth thinks about how it reminds her about the cloaks in a painting she likes. And then she realizes something.
...
And this is all just been the first paragraph folks.
So, we learn more about that last stand--it was against the Witchkings, natch, and saw the city, the royal line and the kingdom destroyed. Bereth gets all morbid, and then says some... poetry. To the sun.
Yeah, you're really starting to not like Bereth about now, aren't you? So after all that completely irrelevant information and... poetry, we learn she's looking for two rangers that were checking out the orcish army on the border and vanished. She thinks about the orc army, using a lot of very poor analogies. And then... more poetry. Then more strained analogies about the orcish army. Boy, we're really settling into a pattern here. We get a few references to the Collegium Occludum, so it looks like the suspicions we've gotten from the "sky riding" and the arrogant psychopathy are correct--Bereth is an elf.
Bereth pauses for some quality time with her giant hawk. She muses about an elf she likes, who she'd have a relation with, except that would ruin her magic, and so she couldn't fly her giant hawk. She really like flying her giant hawk. Gee, wonder what Beale's trying to say here? Oh, well. I'm sure it's nothing important.
Bereth's musings are interrupted by noticing motion below. A quick check reveals it's one of the scouts she's looking for. The scout tells her his fellow is back a ways, having suffered an arrow through the leg. Bereth goes to rescue him, and then... more thinking about the elf she sort of likes, which reveals that she doesn't actually like him that much. She passes through lands the orcs have been through and... more poetry. She finds the wounded elf's camp, and sees signs of a struggle. So after some debate, she decides to find him and give a mercykill. After all, the orcs are doubtless going to rape and torture him. She finds him, being carried roughly by some orcs in a stretcher, and offs him, then beats a quick retreat. But not quick enough--her giant hawk takes a hit from one of the orc's siege engines, because of course, they've brought siege engines with them in the woods. Why wouldn't they?
Bereth feels the pain of her giant hawk intently, and... forces him to fly her into the woods. She is of course very sad when he dies after getting to relative safety, but hey, the body will distract the brutes. So she gets all the stuff she can carry, and hoofs it.
Well, she's a peach, Bereth.
And yes, now that we're just a tad shy of 3/4s of the way through this thing, another POV. Bereth. Let's see, who's Bereth? Well, the narration doesn't help us much at first. We get some thing about how she enjoys sky riding, and then... this.
...
...
Amorran Crystal Dragon Jesus help us.
So, Bereth thinks about how it reminds her about the cloaks in a painting she likes. And then she realizes something.
...
And this is all just been the first paragraph folks.
So, we learn more about that last stand--it was against the Witchkings, natch, and saw the city, the royal line and the kingdom destroyed. Bereth gets all morbid, and then says some... poetry. To the sun.
Yeah, you're really starting to not like Bereth about now, aren't you? So after all that completely irrelevant information and... poetry, we learn she's looking for two rangers that were checking out the orcish army on the border and vanished. She thinks about the orc army, using a lot of very poor analogies. And then... more poetry. Then more strained analogies about the orcish army. Boy, we're really settling into a pattern here. We get a few references to the Collegium Occludum, so it looks like the suspicions we've gotten from the "sky riding" and the arrogant psychopathy are correct--Bereth is an elf.
Bereth pauses for some quality time with her giant hawk. She muses about an elf she likes, who she'd have a relation with, except that would ruin her magic, and so she couldn't fly her giant hawk. She really like flying her giant hawk. Gee, wonder what Beale's trying to say here? Oh, well. I'm sure it's nothing important.
Bereth's musings are interrupted by noticing motion below. A quick check reveals it's one of the scouts she's looking for. The scout tells her his fellow is back a ways, having suffered an arrow through the leg. Bereth goes to rescue him, and then... more thinking about the elf she sort of likes, which reveals that she doesn't actually like him that much. She passes through lands the orcs have been through and... more poetry. She finds the wounded elf's camp, and sees signs of a struggle. So after some debate, she decides to find him and give a mercykill. After all, the orcs are doubtless going to rape and torture him. She finds him, being carried roughly by some orcs in a stretcher, and offs him, then beats a quick retreat. But not quick enough--her giant hawk takes a hit from one of the orc's siege engines, because of course, they've brought siege engines with them in the woods. Why wouldn't they?
Bereth feels the pain of her giant hawk intently, and... forces him to fly her into the woods. She is of course very sad when he dies after getting to relative safety, but hey, the body will distract the brutes. So she gets all the stuff she can carry, and hoofs it.
Well, she's a peach, Bereth.
A Sea of Skulls: Bereth. What, now?
- Location
- East Coast
BERETH
No, this is not a mistake. Welcome to the part of the novel where Beale's editing REALLY turns to shit, and the fact that he churned this thing out before it was actually finished becomes glaringly obvious. But hey, more Bereth! Let's see how long it takes us to really, REALLY hate her.
Bereth wakes up in a tree, hearing three orcs walking nearby while arguing amongst themselves. She then thinks about everything she did to get to the tree, including going to sleep in it and getting woken up by orcs, arguing nearby. We have hit peak dull repetition. Dull repetition. The orcs are arguing about annoying it is to be chasing after Bereth, who they won't be able kill or eat. But hey, one opines that they can enjoy a bit of rape. Bereth snipes at him and kills him. His companions don't even notice this at first.
Again, in Selenoth, there's no good just evil and EEEVULLL! Which Bereth proves when, after killing one of the remaining orcs, she cripples the last one, chases him down, kills him and watches him die. Then she thinks about how awful it is, having green orc blood on her hands.
Nice folks, elves.
A little later, Bereth has to deal with wolf-riders, and apparently her left knee's a bit stiff. As she runs to avoid them, she wonders where her help is and why haven't the elves found her in the boundless wilderness in which she's traveling? Indeed, for someone on the run for her life, Bereth can find plenty of time to internally bitch about her life and people she knows. The wolfriders catch up, and in the brief fight, Bereth loses her bow, then climbs a very tall tree to avoid capture. The goblins fire arrows at her, but of course, they are crap. With her options dwindling, Bereth sends up a magical flare. Then she cries. A goblin archer tries to kill her, but it gets killed by her prospective boyfriend, who has come on his giant hawk to rescue her. They chat some, and then Bereth gets all weepy as she goes back home.
We then cut back to home, where Bereth is called into meet with Lord Oakenheart. Lord Oakenheart declares that she's going back into battle immediately, and then bitches her out for being a failure. Bereth is shocked, but then realizes this is just an elven test to see if she's up to snuff. Bereth is going with some raiders to capture some orcs for questioning. We get a lot of space-filling on the plan. And then we get this.
Simple. Yep, that's the word I'd use for that.
After some musing from Bereth about how sad she is her bird is dead, the mission is ago, and pretty much acts like an action movie helicopter mission, only with giant hawks. The elves get their orcs, and head away, but then, something happens! The other hawk stops flying and starts going back!
End scene.
No, this is not a mistake. Welcome to the part of the novel where Beale's editing REALLY turns to shit, and the fact that he churned this thing out before it was actually finished becomes glaringly obvious. But hey, more Bereth! Let's see how long it takes us to really, REALLY hate her.
Bereth wakes up in a tree, hearing three orcs walking nearby while arguing amongst themselves. She then thinks about everything she did to get to the tree, including going to sleep in it and getting woken up by orcs, arguing nearby. We have hit peak dull repetition. Dull repetition. The orcs are arguing about annoying it is to be chasing after Bereth, who they won't be able kill or eat. But hey, one opines that they can enjoy a bit of rape. Bereth snipes at him and kills him. His companions don't even notice this at first.
Again, in Selenoth, there's no good just evil and EEEVULLL! Which Bereth proves when, after killing one of the remaining orcs, she cripples the last one, chases him down, kills him and watches him die. Then she thinks about how awful it is, having green orc blood on her hands.
Nice folks, elves.
A little later, Bereth has to deal with wolf-riders, and apparently her left knee's a bit stiff. As she runs to avoid them, she wonders where her help is and why haven't the elves found her in the boundless wilderness in which she's traveling? Indeed, for someone on the run for her life, Bereth can find plenty of time to internally bitch about her life and people she knows. The wolfriders catch up, and in the brief fight, Bereth loses her bow, then climbs a very tall tree to avoid capture. The goblins fire arrows at her, but of course, they are crap. With her options dwindling, Bereth sends up a magical flare. Then she cries. A goblin archer tries to kill her, but it gets killed by her prospective boyfriend, who has come on his giant hawk to rescue her. They chat some, and then Bereth gets all weepy as she goes back home.
We then cut back to home, where Bereth is called into meet with Lord Oakenheart. Lord Oakenheart declares that she's going back into battle immediately, and then bitches her out for being a failure. Bereth is shocked, but then realizes this is just an elven test to see if she's up to snuff. Bereth is going with some raiders to capture some orcs for questioning. We get a lot of space-filling on the plan. And then we get this.
Simple. Yep, that's the word I'd use for that.
After some musing from Bereth about how sad she is her bird is dead, the mission is ago, and pretty much acts like an action movie helicopter mission, only with giant hawks. The elves get their orcs, and head away, but then, something happens! The other hawk stops flying and starts going back!
End scene.
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A Sea of Skulls: Bereth. Still happening. Oh, is it still happening.
- Location
- East Coast
BERETH
Yeah, that's right, we're still on Bereth, who is still watching the cliffhanger unfold from last chapter. She realizes that the warhawk is under a spell, looks for the orc shaman casting it, kills him, and that is that. The captured orcs come to and start squirming, so the elves just torture them some to get them to stop. They chuckle over how stupid the orcs are, trying to resist their capture in the face of overwhelming odds. But they can afford to be stupid, to lose twenty orcs to one elf. Ayyup. So despite having easily destroyed the orcs, the elves are at a disadvantage. Who you going to believe, the narration, or your lying eyes.
Back in Elfland, Bereth muses, and meets her beau, who reveals that he's got her on the waiting list for a new giant bird egg. This leads to all sorts of talking, and Bereth revealing that she thinks he's too good for her, but somehow, she just isn't in to him. And then we get drips and drabs about the war effort, and... Beale still doesn't understand what calling someone the [thing]-General means, as he's saddled some unfortunate character with the title "Prince-General". Then it's a strategy talk, where they chat about how the spell on the giant bird worked. Because that is a tale we want to hear. And then more talking about their plan to needle the orcs to death.
And we jump around some more. The giant bird riders watch the orc army.
Mmmm... hmmm.
The elf army attacks. It's the usual jumble of overly-detailed Beale writing that still manages to leave one puzzled as to what's going on. However, the gist of it is, the goblins attack, are crap, and retreat. Just like always! But the orcs are ready for another attack!
End scene.
Yeah, that's right, we're still on Bereth, who is still watching the cliffhanger unfold from last chapter. She realizes that the warhawk is under a spell, looks for the orc shaman casting it, kills him, and that is that. The captured orcs come to and start squirming, so the elves just torture them some to get them to stop. They chuckle over how stupid the orcs are, trying to resist their capture in the face of overwhelming odds. But they can afford to be stupid, to lose twenty orcs to one elf. Ayyup. So despite having easily destroyed the orcs, the elves are at a disadvantage. Who you going to believe, the narration, or your lying eyes.
Back in Elfland, Bereth muses, and meets her beau, who reveals that he's got her on the waiting list for a new giant bird egg. This leads to all sorts of talking, and Bereth revealing that she thinks he's too good for her, but somehow, she just isn't in to him. And then we get drips and drabs about the war effort, and... Beale still doesn't understand what calling someone the [thing]-General means, as he's saddled some unfortunate character with the title "Prince-General". Then it's a strategy talk, where they chat about how the spell on the giant bird worked. Because that is a tale we want to hear. And then more talking about their plan to needle the orcs to death.
And we jump around some more. The giant bird riders watch the orc army.
Mmmm... hmmm.
The elf army attacks. It's the usual jumble of overly-detailed Beale writing that still manages to leave one puzzled as to what's going on. However, the gist of it is, the goblins attack, are crap, and retreat. Just like always! But the orcs are ready for another attack!
End scene.
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Coiler
ROURKE
I've seen the "infodump a 'weakness' in that isn't show in the actual narrative, and then, if criticized for the work's one-sidedness, point to said infodump" trick pulled before.
A Sea of Skulls: Bessarias. Well, at least it's not Bereth again.
- Location
- East Coast
BESSARIAS
And, we're away from Bereth, finally, and on to... the elf who got Amorran Crystal Dragon Jesus. *sigh* Well, while it's true that Bessarias has generally invoked some of Beale's worst, most self-indulgent writing, perhaps dealing with a character he's written before will make him more bearable this time.
We open on Bessarias, getting up from his chair, and feeling the pain in his aging legs, which leads to this sentence.
...
Well, it appears my hopes have been utterly dashed in that regard.
Bessarias thinks about how hard it is growing old when he could use magic to fix things, but he's a godly elf now, so no magic. He sees a bee flying around and starts talking to it. This gets Bessarias all... philosophical, because now he groks men and orcs and things, and knows why elves are becoming decadent layabouts. He is also resigned to his imminent death.
Well, aren't you special, Bessarias? And as he is once again acting as a club to attack the strawmen version of philosophies that Beale doesn't like, let's look at one of those fear-filled fancies, shall we?
Yeah, that is clearly the thought of a man quaking in his boots at the idea of his own mortality.
But Bessarias keeps thinking how death will be awesome, because there will be more time for him to be a pretentious asshole and hang with the like, and then gets woken up by Catilys, who reveals she's been sent by the High King to get him, on account of the orcish army moving against the Elvish kingdom. With another chunk moving against humans in the west. Bessarias tells her Mael should check why the orcs have split in two. Might be profitable. Now, nap time. Caitlys tells him that he needs to get into something warm enough to let him make the trip or she will drag him there in her bird's claws. Bessarias gripes some, but decides, sure, sure, he'll come.
And we cut to the throne. Mael is surprised to see how old Bessarias has gotten. Bessarias, after some talk, is shocked to discover that Elebrion is down to an army of a little over a thousand. Mael mutters how it always seemed sufficient, and how he used wizards to try and spook the orcs, but they've kept coming. And Bessarias realizes they want him to use his magic nuke spell. Mael says it might not come to that, and Bessarias tells him, yeah, don't kid yourself. He then goes on--Mael has already failed as a king. The elves aren't marrying and having kids, and in between that and their losses fighting the Witchkings, they just don't have the numbers any more.
And then Bessarias tells him just where Mael screwed up, pointing at Caitlys. She should have gotten married and started producing elf kids--her and all the other virgin elf sorceresses who have ruined the elvish race by pursuing their magic! They could have had kids, but no! And now what's Mael going to do? Have them fight?
Yes, Beale's going there. While having hisEurope elves invaded by dusky green-skinned foreigners.
Mael bitches some, but then confesses that Bessarias is right. Bessarias chats some more, but it's just repeating the same general themes. Eventually, things sort of stop without anything actually getting resolved.
But hey, Beale got to bitch about birth rates, so there's that.
And, we're away from Bereth, finally, and on to... the elf who got Amorran Crystal Dragon Jesus. *sigh* Well, while it's true that Bessarias has generally invoked some of Beale's worst, most self-indulgent writing, perhaps dealing with a character he's written before will make him more bearable this time.
We open on Bessarias, getting up from his chair, and feeling the pain in his aging legs, which leads to this sentence.
...
Well, it appears my hopes have been utterly dashed in that regard.
Bessarias thinks about how hard it is growing old when he could use magic to fix things, but he's a godly elf now, so no magic. He sees a bee flying around and starts talking to it. This gets Bessarias all... philosophical, because now he groks men and orcs and things, and knows why elves are becoming decadent layabouts. He is also resigned to his imminent death.
Well, aren't you special, Bessarias? And as he is once again acting as a club to attack the strawmen version of philosophies that Beale doesn't like, let's look at one of those fear-filled fancies, shall we?
Yeah, that is clearly the thought of a man quaking in his boots at the idea of his own mortality.
But Bessarias keeps thinking how death will be awesome, because there will be more time for him to be a pretentious asshole and hang with the like, and then gets woken up by Catilys, who reveals she's been sent by the High King to get him, on account of the orcish army moving against the Elvish kingdom. With another chunk moving against humans in the west. Bessarias tells her Mael should check why the orcs have split in two. Might be profitable. Now, nap time. Caitlys tells him that he needs to get into something warm enough to let him make the trip or she will drag him there in her bird's claws. Bessarias gripes some, but decides, sure, sure, he'll come.
And we cut to the throne. Mael is surprised to see how old Bessarias has gotten. Bessarias, after some talk, is shocked to discover that Elebrion is down to an army of a little over a thousand. Mael mutters how it always seemed sufficient, and how he used wizards to try and spook the orcs, but they've kept coming. And Bessarias realizes they want him to use his magic nuke spell. Mael says it might not come to that, and Bessarias tells him, yeah, don't kid yourself. He then goes on--Mael has already failed as a king. The elves aren't marrying and having kids, and in between that and their losses fighting the Witchkings, they just don't have the numbers any more.
And then Bessarias tells him just where Mael screwed up, pointing at Caitlys. She should have gotten married and started producing elf kids--her and all the other virgin elf sorceresses who have ruined the elvish race by pursuing their magic! They could have had kids, but no! And now what's Mael going to do? Have them fight?
Yes, Beale's going there. While having his
Mael bitches some, but then confesses that Bessarias is right. Bessarias chats some more, but it's just repeating the same general themes. Eventually, things sort of stop without anything actually getting resolved.
But hey, Beale got to bitch about birth rates, so there's that.
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- Location
- Somewhere
Is he seriously using the elves for a "white genocide" metaphor?
- Location
- East Coast
Beale found a way. He can always find a way to mess things up. It's the only gift he has, and you can't take it away from him.
Yes. Yes, he is.