I(A) Q. VII A. I CO.I; Fuck this chapter naming method. Fuck it with a rusty fork.
- Location
- East Coast
Right. The Latin passage starts with a Respondeo, so... I think we're looking at Marcus' Summa Elvetica which is provided in English by one of the appendixes. Because golly, who doesn't want to read ponderous pseudo-logic in bad Latin?
Right, so Marcus is on the road again, going places he has never been, seeing things he may never see again. On the road again, like a band of gypsies we go down the highway...
Sorry, I just took a break to listen to Willie Nelson, because, you know, that's a lot more enjoyable than this. Right, so Lodi explains that what most humans know about the Siege of Iron Mountain and the great war between the dwarfs of Iron Mountain and the Troll King comes from a single source, a Savonder "knight-errant" Sir Alwys d'Escard, popularly believed to be the only human to fight for the dwarfs. It turns out he wasn't--he was the royal ambassador from "Savondir"--it's changed names again, though this one is going to take, sort of--to King Guldur Goblinsbane's court, Guldur being the Troll King. Beale apparently thinks people will immediately guess this, despite the fact that "Guldur Goblinsbane" sounds like a pretty reasonable name for a dwarven king, and a pretty shitty boast for a Troll King, as everyone keeps going on about how weak and pathetic the goblins are. It's sort of like trying to threaten people as "Alvin the Cripple-Kicker". The response is probably not going to be what you imagine it will be. Beale notes that Guldur was rude and cruel, juggling the skulls of courtiers who have offended him, which... honestly doesn't sound too out there for medieval kings, and probably would be something that would likely impress quite a few of them. I mean--Henry II of England, the man who ruled England and more of France then the King of France, kept a professional jester named "Roland the Farter" whose act was more or less what you'd imagine, though his leaps and whistles were also famed, and reportedly he could do all three at once. Plus, again the Amorrans think forcing people to fight to death is fun for the whole family, so really, Guldur just seems a tad spirited by this world's standards.
So, back to Sir Alwys--his account includes all sorts of picturesque details, like the Twenty, a group of brave dwarfs who set off a landslide to block the gate of Iron Mountain, and the Breaking of the Elves, where the elves tried and failed to drive off the Troll army, and is mostly lies. Lodi notes that it lacks a dwarvish perspective, which he is providing, though in third person narration, because when Beale writes for Lodi, it's clearly John Rhys-Davis as Gimli speaking, and he is clearly uncertain that he can keep that up for an entire chapter. I suppose we should be thankful though this does manage to deny the narrative any human (so to speak) voice, turning what should be a thrilling story into a dry recitation of the past.
We learn that when the dwarfs first hear about the Guldur's massive army of trolls, orcs and goblins, they don't believe it, as first off, most orcs don't even follow the orders of their nominal chieftains, much less some troll, who are after all, too stupid to lead armies, and damn it, I'm suddenly on Guldur's side, even though he's evil. But most importantly, the dwarfs live in mountainous terrain that is largely impassible, with nothing to support an invading army, all the good stuff being hidden in the tunnels. This does raise the question of what the dwarfs live off of, but hell, I've no doubt they've got some terrific mushroom farms down there.
Lodi was an up and coming young miner, with two silver veins of his own (Beale doesn't get mining), and was thinking of proposing to his best "dwarva" (Beale's term for a female dwarf, because creating shit like that is something of an obsession with him, as we shall see) Geral, whose father owned a shield-factory that supplied King Hammerstone's (yes, that's his name) Iron Guard. So the dwarfs are at least vaguely aware of the principles of mass production. Good to know. Lodi was there to pop the question when an Iron Guardsman came in, and said to Geral's da that Hammerstone needed all his spare shields immediately. And oh, yes, for him to gear up production. Oh, and a list of workers, so that they can be spared the coming draft. Damn, the dwarfs really seem to be operating on a whole 'nother level here. At this point, I'm starting to think the only reasons they haven't conquered this world yet are they don't have the numbers, and they don't really want to.
Anyway, the Guardsman spots an easy mark and lays it on thick, and manages to recruit Lodi for the Iron Guard, impressing the hell out of Geral and her da, and leading to his becoming the tough soldierly fellow he is now. Lodi winds up one of the soldiers at the gate when the Troll King's army arrives, and it is freaky huge. After the goblin wolf cavalry and orcish war boar cavalry (so this is a D&D/Warhammer fusion) come, though why they were brought is something of a mystery, thousands upon thousands of orcs and goblins, who to be fair, seem to be mostly crap, thousands of heavily armored orcish elites, and three regiments of trolls, who in this world are fifteen feet tall stony giants. It's a gigantic army, and you really have to wonder how the hell Guldur planned to keep it running in the mountains, which are terrain not exactly suited for this sort of thing, as Lodi indeed does, wondering what sort of offer the troll has made to keep them loyal. Beale will provide an answer, but it's not a particularly good one.
Guldur has less than a third of all orcs under him, but this is apparently more dwarfs than all the four dwarf kingdoms, so they really need to get an ally with numbers to help them out. The goblins make up most of the army and are apparently literal cannon fodder, as the dwarfs have actual cannons. Again, numbers and desire seem to be the only things keeping dwarfs from ruling the world right now. But as Lodi soon learned the goblins REAL reason for being there is emergency rations for the orcs, which leads to the following terrified thought from Lodi...
See, I don't see that as a strength myself. It actually strikes me as a tremendous weakness. Frankly looking at this, it's clear the dwarfs are at least partially the authors of their own misfortune here. They need allies with numbers to offset their own lack of them, and surprise, surprise, there exists a species that has those numbers in abundance and is getting jack from its supposed buddies. The goblins' relation with orcs and trolls seems to be one of "Surrender from our horrible brutalization, so we may brutalize you further!" and that's just not sustainable. If the dwarfs would take the trouble of, say, trading with a few goblin tribes, they'd not only have some eyes on the ground to tell them more than rumors about say, mighty troll kings rising up to trod the thrones of dwarfs beneath their stony feet, they'd have allies to help them fight them.
But I'm breaking down the traditional player/npc race division of a D&D world, and we can't have that...
So, back to the war. Guldur has the gates of Iron Mountain burned down, and then has his men work to remove the debris, so apparently the dwarfs DID set off a landslide. Or Guldur blocked himself from getting in. It's tough to tell. The dwarfs meanwhile tunnel from inside the mountain to let out little raiding parties to wear down the EVIL HORDE a bit at a time. By the time Guldur's men finally uncover the gates, the dwarfs then collapse them from the inside, meaning they have to start from scratch. This, declares Lodi was the main war of the siege--small raiding parties of dwarfs, digging tunnels, raiding Guldur's army, and then refilling the tunnels behind them to cover their tracks, as... wait, wait, that... that is not how you fight a siege. The entire point of a siege is you force the enemy to expend effort to get to you--you don't waste your men coming to them. And where are those other three dwarven kingdoms in all this?
Anyway, despite the dwarfs being tactically deficient, they kill thousands and thousands of orcs and goblins, but more and more keep coming because... Well, that's a good question. Guldur apparently had to expend a lot of effort building his kingdom, and now what he's done is immediately gotten said "kingdom" involved in a profitless long-term war that is eating up resources like a wildfire. Guldur probably could have done much better if he'd marched a small portion of his army up, said "Pay me and I'll go away," and then skedaddled once the dwarfs agreed on the price. But he's a shit Dark Lord appearing in a shit flashback in a shit fantasy book, so Guldur mechanically goes through the motions of his siege, sending out some of his elite orc troops to press more sad sack mook orcs and goblins to the pile, because EVIL HORDE MAN. Anyway, the dwarfs are losing irreplaceable manpower, but not enough to make them realize that playing commando when their enemies are quite literally willing to do the job of killing themselves for them is a bad play.
This goes on for three years, somehow, with the EVIL HORDE getting more quarrelsome and more unruly. So, in the fourth year, Guldur sends a biggish army to attack Savondir, to burn of some steam, and only a third return.
BRILLIANT STRATEGY!
Fifth year, Guldur has his men start digging, a revolution in tactics that apparently leads nowhere. Sixth year, he has a troll who actually has some skill in magic use earth elementals to figure out the tunnels the dwarfs are using to hit them. While this isn't as dangerous as it could have been, we're told the dwarfs start falling at a greater rate, and why not, they're apparently stupid enough to keep trying to prove what tough sods they are by trying to needle the EVIL HORDE to death, instead of staying in the Iron Mountain and shooting their dwarf cannons at them until they go away.
Dwarf families start fleeing to other kingdoms, which still can't be bothered to help apparently. Dwarf numbers are dwindling, because THEY MUST KEEP UP THEIR MANLY TACTICS MAN! Meanwhile, the EVIL HORDE somehow keeps growing, because that's what EVIL HORDES do. Being desperate, King Hammerstone reaches out... to the elves, because of course to the elves, forget to the humans who have been attacked by the same damn monstrous horde, or your fellow dwarfs, and offers them half the gold and silver of Iron Mountain if they come to his assistance. While the elves of the Collegium Occludum, who are wizards, don't bite, the elves of Merithaim do under their ruler, King Caefall Everbright, the elf who is also a toothpaste. Lodi is there as a scout--because Lodi is always on hand to witness everything, apparently, and he SEES the elvish army arrive, take one look at the Troll King's army, and decide they're outta here. Apparently, while Caefall knew Guldur's army was big, he didn't realize how big, so... sorry, dwarfs. You have our moral support.
And so, after seven years, with Hammerstone eyeing evacuation and one last heroic battle, one dwarf proposes a plan with a MILLION TO ONE chance of succeeding. And they do it, with Lodi there to help, because of course he is--they sneak out of the mountain (of course), they set up a scorpion catapult in the EVIL HORDE's boneyard, and when the sun rises, they kill Guldur with it. Well, with the King dead, the troll kingdom splits up when two of his right-hand men start fighting over who will succeed Guldur in what has proven to be such a winning situation, then rush back to their homeland to fight over there. Because of course, Guldur had an actual kingdom to rule over. Of course. The goblins who are most of the EVIL HORDE flee as soon as the trolls start going, and the orcs tribes follow suit. The dwarfs spook the last malingers and then have Guldur's head cast in gold and placed behind the king's throne, impaled on the scorpion bolt that killed him, in what is doubtless a tasteful display.
We cut back to an actual conversation at this point, where we learn that Lodi's fiancee died in the fifth year heading the local dwarven WAC when some goblins managed to get through an air tunnel, and that Lodi's point about the elves is, they may talk tough, but the elves is sissies. Marcus attempts to defend King Everbright's boldly running away, but Lodi isn't convinced and repeats his point--don't trust the elves.
And so that chapter ends, and we are left wondering if, cliche-ridden thing that he is, we might not better be served with Lodi as a protagonist, as he actually has a potentially interesting story behind him.
As opposed to Marcus, whose grand action so far has been to be told to go somewhere and listening to people tell him things as he went there. But then who would speak for Amorr, and all its slavery and Crystal Dragon Jesus ways, eh?
Right, so Marcus is on the road again, going places he has never been, seeing things he may never see again. On the road again, like a band of gypsies we go down the highway...
Sorry, I just took a break to listen to Willie Nelson, because, you know, that's a lot more enjoyable than this. Right, so Lodi explains that what most humans know about the Siege of Iron Mountain and the great war between the dwarfs of Iron Mountain and the Troll King comes from a single source, a Savonder "knight-errant" Sir Alwys d'Escard, popularly believed to be the only human to fight for the dwarfs. It turns out he wasn't--he was the royal ambassador from "Savondir"--it's changed names again, though this one is going to take, sort of--to King Guldur Goblinsbane's court, Guldur being the Troll King. Beale apparently thinks people will immediately guess this, despite the fact that "Guldur Goblinsbane" sounds like a pretty reasonable name for a dwarven king, and a pretty shitty boast for a Troll King, as everyone keeps going on about how weak and pathetic the goblins are. It's sort of like trying to threaten people as "Alvin the Cripple-Kicker". The response is probably not going to be what you imagine it will be. Beale notes that Guldur was rude and cruel, juggling the skulls of courtiers who have offended him, which... honestly doesn't sound too out there for medieval kings, and probably would be something that would likely impress quite a few of them. I mean--Henry II of England, the man who ruled England and more of France then the King of France, kept a professional jester named "Roland the Farter" whose act was more or less what you'd imagine, though his leaps and whistles were also famed, and reportedly he could do all three at once. Plus, again the Amorrans think forcing people to fight to death is fun for the whole family, so really, Guldur just seems a tad spirited by this world's standards.
So, back to Sir Alwys--his account includes all sorts of picturesque details, like the Twenty, a group of brave dwarfs who set off a landslide to block the gate of Iron Mountain, and the Breaking of the Elves, where the elves tried and failed to drive off the Troll army, and is mostly lies. Lodi notes that it lacks a dwarvish perspective, which he is providing, though in third person narration, because when Beale writes for Lodi, it's clearly John Rhys-Davis as Gimli speaking, and he is clearly uncertain that he can keep that up for an entire chapter. I suppose we should be thankful though this does manage to deny the narrative any human (so to speak) voice, turning what should be a thrilling story into a dry recitation of the past.
We learn that when the dwarfs first hear about the Guldur's massive army of trolls, orcs and goblins, they don't believe it, as first off, most orcs don't even follow the orders of their nominal chieftains, much less some troll, who are after all, too stupid to lead armies, and damn it, I'm suddenly on Guldur's side, even though he's evil. But most importantly, the dwarfs live in mountainous terrain that is largely impassible, with nothing to support an invading army, all the good stuff being hidden in the tunnels. This does raise the question of what the dwarfs live off of, but hell, I've no doubt they've got some terrific mushroom farms down there.
Lodi was an up and coming young miner, with two silver veins of his own (Beale doesn't get mining), and was thinking of proposing to his best "dwarva" (Beale's term for a female dwarf, because creating shit like that is something of an obsession with him, as we shall see) Geral, whose father owned a shield-factory that supplied King Hammerstone's (yes, that's his name) Iron Guard. So the dwarfs are at least vaguely aware of the principles of mass production. Good to know. Lodi was there to pop the question when an Iron Guardsman came in, and said to Geral's da that Hammerstone needed all his spare shields immediately. And oh, yes, for him to gear up production. Oh, and a list of workers, so that they can be spared the coming draft. Damn, the dwarfs really seem to be operating on a whole 'nother level here. At this point, I'm starting to think the only reasons they haven't conquered this world yet are they don't have the numbers, and they don't really want to.
Anyway, the Guardsman spots an easy mark and lays it on thick, and manages to recruit Lodi for the Iron Guard, impressing the hell out of Geral and her da, and leading to his becoming the tough soldierly fellow he is now. Lodi winds up one of the soldiers at the gate when the Troll King's army arrives, and it is freaky huge. After the goblin wolf cavalry and orcish war boar cavalry (so this is a D&D/Warhammer fusion) come, though why they were brought is something of a mystery, thousands upon thousands of orcs and goblins, who to be fair, seem to be mostly crap, thousands of heavily armored orcish elites, and three regiments of trolls, who in this world are fifteen feet tall stony giants. It's a gigantic army, and you really have to wonder how the hell Guldur planned to keep it running in the mountains, which are terrain not exactly suited for this sort of thing, as Lodi indeed does, wondering what sort of offer the troll has made to keep them loyal. Beale will provide an answer, but it's not a particularly good one.
Guldur has less than a third of all orcs under him, but this is apparently more dwarfs than all the four dwarf kingdoms, so they really need to get an ally with numbers to help them out. The goblins make up most of the army and are apparently literal cannon fodder, as the dwarfs have actual cannons. Again, numbers and desire seem to be the only things keeping dwarfs from ruling the world right now. But as Lodi soon learned the goblins REAL reason for being there is emergency rations for the orcs, which leads to the following terrified thought from Lodi...
See, I don't see that as a strength myself. It actually strikes me as a tremendous weakness. Frankly looking at this, it's clear the dwarfs are at least partially the authors of their own misfortune here. They need allies with numbers to offset their own lack of them, and surprise, surprise, there exists a species that has those numbers in abundance and is getting jack from its supposed buddies. The goblins' relation with orcs and trolls seems to be one of "Surrender from our horrible brutalization, so we may brutalize you further!" and that's just not sustainable. If the dwarfs would take the trouble of, say, trading with a few goblin tribes, they'd not only have some eyes on the ground to tell them more than rumors about say, mighty troll kings rising up to trod the thrones of dwarfs beneath their stony feet, they'd have allies to help them fight them.
But I'm breaking down the traditional player/npc race division of a D&D world, and we can't have that...
So, back to the war. Guldur has the gates of Iron Mountain burned down, and then has his men work to remove the debris, so apparently the dwarfs DID set off a landslide. Or Guldur blocked himself from getting in. It's tough to tell. The dwarfs meanwhile tunnel from inside the mountain to let out little raiding parties to wear down the EVIL HORDE a bit at a time. By the time Guldur's men finally uncover the gates, the dwarfs then collapse them from the inside, meaning they have to start from scratch. This, declares Lodi was the main war of the siege--small raiding parties of dwarfs, digging tunnels, raiding Guldur's army, and then refilling the tunnels behind them to cover their tracks, as... wait, wait, that... that is not how you fight a siege. The entire point of a siege is you force the enemy to expend effort to get to you--you don't waste your men coming to them. And where are those other three dwarven kingdoms in all this?
Anyway, despite the dwarfs being tactically deficient, they kill thousands and thousands of orcs and goblins, but more and more keep coming because... Well, that's a good question. Guldur apparently had to expend a lot of effort building his kingdom, and now what he's done is immediately gotten said "kingdom" involved in a profitless long-term war that is eating up resources like a wildfire. Guldur probably could have done much better if he'd marched a small portion of his army up, said "Pay me and I'll go away," and then skedaddled once the dwarfs agreed on the price. But he's a shit Dark Lord appearing in a shit flashback in a shit fantasy book, so Guldur mechanically goes through the motions of his siege, sending out some of his elite orc troops to press more sad sack mook orcs and goblins to the pile, because EVIL HORDE MAN. Anyway, the dwarfs are losing irreplaceable manpower, but not enough to make them realize that playing commando when their enemies are quite literally willing to do the job of killing themselves for them is a bad play.
This goes on for three years, somehow, with the EVIL HORDE getting more quarrelsome and more unruly. So, in the fourth year, Guldur sends a biggish army to attack Savondir, to burn of some steam, and only a third return.
BRILLIANT STRATEGY!
Fifth year, Guldur has his men start digging, a revolution in tactics that apparently leads nowhere. Sixth year, he has a troll who actually has some skill in magic use earth elementals to figure out the tunnels the dwarfs are using to hit them. While this isn't as dangerous as it could have been, we're told the dwarfs start falling at a greater rate, and why not, they're apparently stupid enough to keep trying to prove what tough sods they are by trying to needle the EVIL HORDE to death, instead of staying in the Iron Mountain and shooting their dwarf cannons at them until they go away.
Dwarf families start fleeing to other kingdoms, which still can't be bothered to help apparently. Dwarf numbers are dwindling, because THEY MUST KEEP UP THEIR MANLY TACTICS MAN! Meanwhile, the EVIL HORDE somehow keeps growing, because that's what EVIL HORDES do. Being desperate, King Hammerstone reaches out... to the elves, because of course to the elves, forget to the humans who have been attacked by the same damn monstrous horde, or your fellow dwarfs, and offers them half the gold and silver of Iron Mountain if they come to his assistance. While the elves of the Collegium Occludum, who are wizards, don't bite, the elves of Merithaim do under their ruler, King Caefall Everbright, the elf who is also a toothpaste. Lodi is there as a scout--because Lodi is always on hand to witness everything, apparently, and he SEES the elvish army arrive, take one look at the Troll King's army, and decide they're outta here. Apparently, while Caefall knew Guldur's army was big, he didn't realize how big, so... sorry, dwarfs. You have our moral support.
And so, after seven years, with Hammerstone eyeing evacuation and one last heroic battle, one dwarf proposes a plan with a MILLION TO ONE chance of succeeding. And they do it, with Lodi there to help, because of course he is--they sneak out of the mountain (of course), they set up a scorpion catapult in the EVIL HORDE's boneyard, and when the sun rises, they kill Guldur with it. Well, with the King dead, the troll kingdom splits up when two of his right-hand men start fighting over who will succeed Guldur in what has proven to be such a winning situation, then rush back to their homeland to fight over there. Because of course, Guldur had an actual kingdom to rule over. Of course. The goblins who are most of the EVIL HORDE flee as soon as the trolls start going, and the orcs tribes follow suit. The dwarfs spook the last malingers and then have Guldur's head cast in gold and placed behind the king's throne, impaled on the scorpion bolt that killed him, in what is doubtless a tasteful display.
We cut back to an actual conversation at this point, where we learn that Lodi's fiancee died in the fifth year heading the local dwarven WAC when some goblins managed to get through an air tunnel, and that Lodi's point about the elves is, they may talk tough, but the elves is sissies. Marcus attempts to defend King Everbright's boldly running away, but Lodi isn't convinced and repeats his point--don't trust the elves.
And so that chapter ends, and we are left wondering if, cliche-ridden thing that he is, we might not better be served with Lodi as a protagonist, as he actually has a potentially interesting story behind him.
As opposed to Marcus, whose grand action so far has been to be told to go somewhere and listening to people tell him things as he went there. But then who would speak for Amorr, and all its slavery and Crystal Dragon Jesus ways, eh?
Last edited:
