Coiler
ROURKE
To me the more "interesting" one is what magic is used as a metaphor for.
Let's Read: Vox Day's Arts of Dork and Spite, and Try to Make the Resulting Hurt Stop.
- Thread starter Space Oddity
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- Books
To me the more "interesting" one is what magic is used as a metaphor for.
- Location
- East Coast
A career that isn't babby making?
Yeah, it kind of dials up the awful, doesn't it?
A Sea of Skulls: Bereth. Ahh. Her again. Boy, she sure has outstayed her welcome.
- Location
- East Coast
BERETH
We're entering into the home stretch people. Just a little more, and I'm done. At least unless Beale actually makes good his threat to put out another volume, possibly a completed A Sea of Skulls. Yes, he's even admitted he sent this book forth unfinished. Because that's what he does, people.
So, last time we ended on a cliffhanger--the goblin wolfriders had been beaten back, but now the orcs were getting ready to attack. Well, two weeks later, they haven't done shit, apparently. The elves fired a lot of arrows at them at one point, but it didn't do much. Yep, seven out of every ten arrows was wasted, Bereth figures, through, I don't know, magic. And of course, they mustn't waste their precious, precious arrows.
Bereth is running patrols. They... apparently don't do much, but she killed a shaman once. During them, she starts flirting with the attractive fellow big bird rider she's with, which graduates into not-quite-sex. Because, remember, elves need to get Amorran Crystal Dragon Jesus. The orcs have warboars. Oh, and they're super-disciplined. Bereth thinks about poisoning a lake to kill the warboars, which she is very unhappy because elves love nature. Or pretend to--look, has elven society in these books ever felt particularly deep? She eventually comes up with a plan, about giving them a magical delayed poison. The mage explains how that would work. In tiresome detail.
They then head off to do this, with the mage and another big bird rider. There's some squabbling about Bereth's fiddling with her boytoy, followed by the pair heading off into the woods, and then getting interrupted by wolf-riders. Her new boyfriend recommends she use herself as bait, because she's a girl, and the goblins have been without women. Charming as ever, Beale. Bereth agrees to it, because she's all kinds of awful and doesn't realize it, and Beale reenacts a D.W. Griffith scene for the umpteenth time in this book. The goblins get killed as usual, with the elves acting as whiny and awful as ever.
With that done, we jump ahead to them seeing that the magic poison plan has worked, killing the warboars, and also some orcs. It is all quite horrifying and Bereth is shocked, but remember, this is WAR. Hard choices! But she's upset, because she's a women.
Anyway, the orcs have plenty of boars left, but still less than they had. So... yeah. Once again a chapter that's less "things happening" than "things pretending to happen".
And with only four chapters left to go.
Yep, great job Beale.
We're entering into the home stretch people. Just a little more, and I'm done. At least unless Beale actually makes good his threat to put out another volume, possibly a completed A Sea of Skulls. Yes, he's even admitted he sent this book forth unfinished. Because that's what he does, people.
So, last time we ended on a cliffhanger--the goblin wolfriders had been beaten back, but now the orcs were getting ready to attack. Well, two weeks later, they haven't done shit, apparently. The elves fired a lot of arrows at them at one point, but it didn't do much. Yep, seven out of every ten arrows was wasted, Bereth figures, through, I don't know, magic. And of course, they mustn't waste their precious, precious arrows.
Bereth is running patrols. They... apparently don't do much, but she killed a shaman once. During them, she starts flirting with the attractive fellow big bird rider she's with, which graduates into not-quite-sex. Because, remember, elves need to get Amorran Crystal Dragon Jesus. The orcs have warboars. Oh, and they're super-disciplined. Bereth thinks about poisoning a lake to kill the warboars, which she is very unhappy because elves love nature. Or pretend to--look, has elven society in these books ever felt particularly deep? She eventually comes up with a plan, about giving them a magical delayed poison. The mage explains how that would work. In tiresome detail.
They then head off to do this, with the mage and another big bird rider. There's some squabbling about Bereth's fiddling with her boytoy, followed by the pair heading off into the woods, and then getting interrupted by wolf-riders. Her new boyfriend recommends she use herself as bait, because she's a girl, and the goblins have been without women. Charming as ever, Beale. Bereth agrees to it, because she's all kinds of awful and doesn't realize it, and Beale reenacts a D.W. Griffith scene for the umpteenth time in this book. The goblins get killed as usual, with the elves acting as whiny and awful as ever.
With that done, we jump ahead to them seeing that the magic poison plan has worked, killing the warboars, and also some orcs. It is all quite horrifying and Bereth is shocked, but remember, this is WAR. Hard choices! But she's upset, because she's a women.
Anyway, the orcs have plenty of boars left, but still less than they had. So... yeah. Once again a chapter that's less "things happening" than "things pretending to happen".
And with only four chapters left to go.
Yep, great job Beale.
- Location
- The Middle of the Howling Wilderness
Wait... has the actual plot even started yet? What are these books even supposed to be about? I'm super confused.
- Location
- East Coast
It hasn't. It's been two books (plus a volume of short stories), and Beale still hasn't got a proper plot going.
A Sea of Skulls: Marcus. Marcus watches men smash each other. Then has an ominous meeting in a church.
- Location
- East Coast
MARCUS
Right. Back with Marcus. The Savondir are having a tourney. It goes on dully, while Marcus and Trebonius restate things we already know, because dull repetition. Dull repetition. Marcus and Trebonius keep thinking of the tourney as a gladiator match as Beale describes it with plodding prose like this...
...Yup. That was a sentence. Marcus and Trebonius discover they were supposed to go to the Red Prince's box, and do so. They then have more dull conversations with the Red Prince where they reiterate the same opinions about him that every other character has already had. Fjotra shows up--remember her? Yep, she was a POV in the last book, but here, she's a walk-on. Though Marcus finds himself fancying her, which leads us to this thought.
... Great guy, Marcus.
A messenger comes, with a message that another character wants to yammer at Marcus at a church. Marcus goes there, musing all the while. He glances around the church, giving us more dull plodding descriptions, and more dull musing on them. and then... one of the Haut Conseil shows up. Yep, time for some Savondir scheming. Marcus tells him to dismiss the assassins he has in waiting, as he obviously has assassins in waiting. The man does so, and then they chat about what has already happened. They talk about power and plotting, and other things, with as much pretension as Beale can mutter. For page, after page, after page. Then they do some infodumping, though once again, we get told a great deal we already know because dull repetition, dull repetition, dull repetition unto the end of the world, or the series, whichever comes first. And then after all that a messenger rushes in revealing that the Haut Conseil has been summoned, and that Marcus better get back to generalling, because the orcs are moving again.
So, three more chapters, and we just spent this entire one on padding. Fun.
Right. Back with Marcus. The Savondir are having a tourney. It goes on dully, while Marcus and Trebonius restate things we already know, because dull repetition. Dull repetition. Marcus and Trebonius keep thinking of the tourney as a gladiator match as Beale describes it with plodding prose like this...
...Yup. That was a sentence. Marcus and Trebonius discover they were supposed to go to the Red Prince's box, and do so. They then have more dull conversations with the Red Prince where they reiterate the same opinions about him that every other character has already had. Fjotra shows up--remember her? Yep, she was a POV in the last book, but here, she's a walk-on. Though Marcus finds himself fancying her, which leads us to this thought.
... Great guy, Marcus.
A messenger comes, with a message that another character wants to yammer at Marcus at a church. Marcus goes there, musing all the while. He glances around the church, giving us more dull plodding descriptions, and more dull musing on them. and then... one of the Haut Conseil shows up. Yep, time for some Savondir scheming. Marcus tells him to dismiss the assassins he has in waiting, as he obviously has assassins in waiting. The man does so, and then they chat about what has already happened. They talk about power and plotting, and other things, with as much pretension as Beale can mutter. For page, after page, after page. Then they do some infodumping, though once again, we get told a great deal we already know because dull repetition, dull repetition, dull repetition unto the end of the world, or the series, whichever comes first. And then after all that a messenger rushes in revealing that the Haut Conseil has been summoned, and that Marcus better get back to generalling, because the orcs are moving again.
So, three more chapters, and we just spent this entire one on padding. Fun.
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Reveen
Castro-Trudeauist
Yeah okay I've been quietly not talking about the prose because I find quiet satisfaction about my own efforts in writing by comparison. But whaaat? Fell heavily to the ground like a knight, y'know the thing that the character is so it makes no sense as an analogy?
I hope in the next chapter we get a passage like: Bereth shot an arrow at the orc like an elf flinging a knife towards a goblin or something.
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- Location
- East Coast
His writing skills are something other than else, all right.
- Location
- East Coast
Look, I wish this was as well-written as The Eye of Argon.
Yes, the legendarily bad The Eye of Argon is better-written this. It has a plot assembled out of cliche and silly string--but it has a plot. And Grignr may be a third-rate Conan rip-off, but that still gives him more character than the entire cast of this series.
A Sea of Skulls: Bereth. Remember when Bereth wasn't in the book? Wasn't that grand?
- Location
- East Coast
BERETH
So, we're back to Bereth, the female elf whose chapters give us all of Beale's misogyny, racism and incompetent plotting in concentrated form. Sort of like frozen orange juice, only evil.
Bereth is taking a bath. And infodumping in her head, because that's her function as a character. She thinks about her plan, reminding us of what we already know because DULL. REPETITION! Then she heads to talk to her mum.
...
So, good to see that all Selenoth elves share Beale's shaky understanding of what words mean and his ironclad belief that he's correct. We get a description of Bereth's mother, who... has yet to be named. Because of course. That description is "Like Bereth, only a darker blonde, and also, because they're elves, they look like they could be sisters." She and Bereth talk about the war, with Bereth wanting to go back to the front while her mother wants her to stay. Bereth's mother... I'm going to call her Cindy as Beale has yet to name her--is shockingly blase about a massive invasion. After all, every other invasion has failed so far! Bessarias gets brought up--Cindy thinks he's come back to unleash magical hell, and again, tells us what we already know. Cindy reveals that Bereth's prospective fiance has sold his stables, causing Bereth to reveal about the egg, causing Cindy to go on about how Bereth is toying with him, and that is wrong, and also female elves should have babbies. After a lot of dull cliched and awful arguing, Bereth and Cindy make up, and then we learn that Mael is now looking into forcing his subject to make babbies, because of course he is. Cindy says Bereth should totes marry the guy who sold his stable for her, and then says that the fellow she's having a fling with is just the sort of bad behavior that got the elves where they are today. Get married to the rich guy! Even if you don't love him! Make babbies! Bereth is left wondering what she'll do next.
The answer is 'discover she's been promoted to some elf general's chief of staff' because sure, she's a Beale POV. Apparently the poisoning plan did it. Bereth takes off for a ride, and we get a dull description of the elven lands. Then we are introduced to the supposedly impregnable elven fortress that is greatly undermanned. We meet the prince she's working for and his hair is pure white-blonde because his blood is pure.
Because remember, Beale is pretty damn Nazi-adjacent. Not that this damned "Kinder, Kuche, Kirche" doesn't make it damned obvious.
Anyway, the prince explains that she's been brought in because they need new ideas, because at these numbers, the elves are fucked by the old logic. And he reveals that the elves have worked out exactly how many orcs they need to kill, and how long they have before the orcs take the fortress. Because they're great at maths. Got it?
Bereth declares that they're going to need every member of the Collegium they can get, which should be obvious--in fact they're already being flown in--but is treated as profound and... end scene.
Because this book continues to err on the side of "Things will happen eventually, but not now."
So, we're back to Bereth, the female elf whose chapters give us all of Beale's misogyny, racism and incompetent plotting in concentrated form. Sort of like frozen orange juice, only evil.
Bereth is taking a bath. And infodumping in her head, because that's her function as a character. She thinks about her plan, reminding us of what we already know because DULL. REPETITION! Then she heads to talk to her mum.
...
So, good to see that all Selenoth elves share Beale's shaky understanding of what words mean and his ironclad belief that he's correct. We get a description of Bereth's mother, who... has yet to be named. Because of course. That description is "Like Bereth, only a darker blonde, and also, because they're elves, they look like they could be sisters." She and Bereth talk about the war, with Bereth wanting to go back to the front while her mother wants her to stay. Bereth's mother... I'm going to call her Cindy as Beale has yet to name her--is shockingly blase about a massive invasion. After all, every other invasion has failed so far! Bessarias gets brought up--Cindy thinks he's come back to unleash magical hell, and again, tells us what we already know. Cindy reveals that Bereth's prospective fiance has sold his stables, causing Bereth to reveal about the egg, causing Cindy to go on about how Bereth is toying with him, and that is wrong, and also female elves should have babbies. After a lot of dull cliched and awful arguing, Bereth and Cindy make up, and then we learn that Mael is now looking into forcing his subject to make babbies, because of course he is. Cindy says Bereth should totes marry the guy who sold his stable for her, and then says that the fellow she's having a fling with is just the sort of bad behavior that got the elves where they are today. Get married to the rich guy! Even if you don't love him! Make babbies! Bereth is left wondering what she'll do next.
The answer is 'discover she's been promoted to some elf general's chief of staff' because sure, she's a Beale POV. Apparently the poisoning plan did it. Bereth takes off for a ride, and we get a dull description of the elven lands. Then we are introduced to the supposedly impregnable elven fortress that is greatly undermanned. We meet the prince she's working for and his hair is pure white-blonde because his blood is pure.
Because remember, Beale is pretty damn Nazi-adjacent. Not that this damned "Kinder, Kuche, Kirche" doesn't make it damned obvious.
Anyway, the prince explains that she's been brought in because they need new ideas, because at these numbers, the elves are fucked by the old logic. And he reveals that the elves have worked out exactly how many orcs they need to kill, and how long they have before the orcs take the fortress. Because they're great at maths. Got it?
Bereth declares that they're going to need every member of the Collegium they can get, which should be obvious--in fact they're already being flown in--but is treated as profound and... end scene.
Because this book continues to err on the side of "Things will happen eventually, but not now."
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- Location
- East Coast
Only fictional alternate universe Adolf Hitler is a better writer.
Isn't that an oxymoron?
A Sea of Skulls: Bereth. Just a little further now....
- Location
- East Coast
BERETH
Bereth is back at the front, looking at the sky where there aren't enough birds. It appears that all those mages promised last chapter... aren't coming. So that's pretty much last chapter's cliffhanger invalidated. She chats with her boss about how now they are most desperate than ever, but hey, the elven soldiers know what to do. Shortly afterwards, we learn the cavalry needs to retreat. Yep, all is well. Bereth is sent to the armory to get some arrows to help with the retreat.
The armory is incredibly overstocked--apparently the elves don't even keep track of what they have down there. Bereth picks up some arrows for killing orcish warboars, and then discovers a few magical arrows for killing dragons, which she appropriates. Then she finds a sack of caltrops, and realizes this could be useful. Not by being used as actual caltrops, but as projectiles to be hurled from the backs of warhawks, because... Well, because Beale is crap on how things work.
The battle begins. The caltrops are used exactly as Beale suggested with the additional twist of being magically heated, and because Beale is writing this, this bad idea is a smashing success. But of course, the orcs have huge numbers and thus massive losses of men don't do anything to them. The orc shamans reveal themselves and there are enough of them that they can actually nullify elven magic. And they have trolls backing them. One of the big birds is downed, and the elves on it are killed. Bereth uses her magic arrows to kill the trolls and then kills a few shamans. That's a success, but her boss is wounded. They rush him back to get treatment. With the elvish army in retreat, the giant fortress is now under siege. End chapter.
...
Yet another storyline in this book ending in the middle of things.
Bereth is back at the front, looking at the sky where there aren't enough birds. It appears that all those mages promised last chapter... aren't coming. So that's pretty much last chapter's cliffhanger invalidated. She chats with her boss about how now they are most desperate than ever, but hey, the elven soldiers know what to do. Shortly afterwards, we learn the cavalry needs to retreat. Yep, all is well. Bereth is sent to the armory to get some arrows to help with the retreat.
The armory is incredibly overstocked--apparently the elves don't even keep track of what they have down there. Bereth picks up some arrows for killing orcish warboars, and then discovers a few magical arrows for killing dragons, which she appropriates. Then she finds a sack of caltrops, and realizes this could be useful. Not by being used as actual caltrops, but as projectiles to be hurled from the backs of warhawks, because... Well, because Beale is crap on how things work.
The battle begins. The caltrops are used exactly as Beale suggested with the additional twist of being magically heated, and because Beale is writing this, this bad idea is a smashing success. But of course, the orcs have huge numbers and thus massive losses of men don't do anything to them. The orc shamans reveal themselves and there are enough of them that they can actually nullify elven magic. And they have trolls backing them. One of the big birds is downed, and the elves on it are killed. Bereth uses her magic arrows to kill the trolls and then kills a few shamans. That's a success, but her boss is wounded. They rush him back to get treatment. With the elvish army in retreat, the giant fortress is now under siege. End chapter.
...
Yet another storyline in this book ending in the middle of things.
A Sea of Skulls: Marcus. Marcus... doesn't do much, and then the book just ends.
- Location
- East Coast
MARCUS
Marcus is at camp, musing. He chats with one of his Savondir orderlies about Savondir, telling us nothing we don't already know. He muses on the orcish army. He muses on the Red Prince. He muses on a tale from the late Saturnius on the time he faced overwhelming numbers.
Yes, Beale not only used the obscure verb "attrit", he misspelled it. Let's move on.
Marcus gets a report. The orcish army is coming, and it's bigger than anyone could expect. Marcus prays in his usual self-centered way. How, he wonders is he going to deal with this?
He can keep wondering, because this is the last chapter.
Yep. And you thought the last book had a terrible ending.
Marcus is at camp, musing. He chats with one of his Savondir orderlies about Savondir, telling us nothing we don't already know. He muses on the orcish army. He muses on the Red Prince. He muses on a tale from the late Saturnius on the time he faced overwhelming numbers.
Yes, Beale not only used the obscure verb "attrit", he misspelled it. Let's move on.
Marcus gets a report. The orcish army is coming, and it's bigger than anyone could expect. Marcus prays in his usual self-centered way. How, he wonders is he going to deal with this?
He can keep wondering, because this is the last chapter.
Yep. And you thought the last book had a terrible ending.
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Coiler
ROURKE
Well, that was something.
I honestly can't tell if Marcus' ending was a sincere but unsurprisngly bungled attempt to try and end on a cliffhanger, or if it was just the book clunking to a close (the last chapter Beale wrote before he hurriedly published it?)
I've seen unedited first drafts with far better fundamentals than this book. I've seen (and written) jumbles of brainstorming notes never intended to be anything like a coherent story that are just as well-paced and flowing as this book. It feels a little like someone took these notes about what possibly to write, ie "hmm, should I have "vikings" fighting "werewolves" in a last stand? Orcs? Maybe dwarves on a dwarf train fighting monsters? Hm...." and then used it as a direct outline. Although Beale's instead probably trying to capture broad-front big scope stories without having the slightest clue about what actually holds them together, leading to, well, that.
I honestly can't tell if Marcus' ending was a sincere but unsurprisngly bungled attempt to try and end on a cliffhanger, or if it was just the book clunking to a close (the last chapter Beale wrote before he hurriedly published it?)
I've seen unedited first drafts with far better fundamentals than this book. I've seen (and written) jumbles of brainstorming notes never intended to be anything like a coherent story that are just as well-paced and flowing as this book. It feels a little like someone took these notes about what possibly to write, ie "hmm, should I have "vikings" fighting "werewolves" in a last stand? Orcs? Maybe dwarves on a dwarf train fighting monsters? Hm...." and then used it as a direct outline. Although Beale's instead probably trying to capture broad-front big scope stories without having the slightest clue about what actually holds them together, leading to, well, that.
- Location
- East Coast
I kind of suspect a bit of both.
- Location
- East Coast
I'm debating doing a wrap-up post.
On the one hand, it would be nice to get my overall thoughts on this... heh, "series" in one place. On the other, it would largely be me going "It stinks!"
On the one hand, it would be nice to get my overall thoughts on this... heh, "series" in one place. On the other, it would largely be me going "It stinks!"
Coiler
ROURKE
Well, do you think there's anything new to add from a final overview? One of the big problems I had with the Victoria mock was that by the end of it, I was worn out and just going with variants of "how convenient", simply because the bad had become predictable. You can obviously do whatever you want, I would never stop you, but I got the feeling something similar was happening as Sea of Skulls drew to a close-the jumbled layout, the total lack of an overall plot, the lack of sympathetic characters, the generic cargo culting mixed with Beale's "dubious" beliefs concering the worldbuilding, and the inability to write action all were just showing up again and again.
- Location
- East Coast
Oh, I had definitely stopped giving a fuck by the end because it was clear that Beale had. Witness the endless procession of Bereth chapters. As opposed to A Throne of Bones, there's not going to be a "If I were Beale's editor" post, because there's nothing here to save. The ruin is that total.
LordInsane
Loyalist to the Alvarian Merchant's Guild
- Location
- Bohuslän, Occupied Norway
It seems to me that the "If I were Beale's editor" for this one could be summed up in a single sentence: send it back to Beale and tell him to come back when he has a draft for a book instead of several drafts bunched together.
- Location
- East Coast
Ayyup. Possibly two--"And then tell him he's indulged in every bad habit he demonstrated last time to an even greater extent, so that what he's got here is close to worthless."
Coiler
ROURKE
If I had to rewrite the entire book from scratch, I would probably turn it into a stock "organize an alliance to stop the evil orc army, then fight the evil orc army" story. I mean, as is they're the closest thing the book has to central antagonists, and even a cliche bingo stock fantasy would be far better than the mess we actually got as long as it had a coherent plot and obvious (not to mention sympathtic) main characters.
- Location
- Somewhere
Better: Even the Alliance is just a delay while the protagonist gets magicnuke!elf and his companions from The Last Great War(tm) back together to finally deal with the resurgent threat behind the Orcs. With comedy from having to deal with a band of crotchety opinionated old adventurers. There, a coherent plot.