OOC: Okay, so here's the update. Now will you excuse me while I go back to Xcom.
[X] Recap, with Homucifer
A teenage girl wearing a rather revealing black dress was reading a particularly interesting book on which were inscribed the big, friendly words 'DON'T PANIC.'
The room she was in was nothing particularly interesting. It was just a normal study room, with the average book shelves made of nicely carved wood. The books on the shelf ranged from 'Hitomi Shizuki's theory of everything' (mind you that it's from a different Hitomi from a different universe), 'The Succubus' guide for noobs' by Lilith, 'Fear inducing speeches in 10 easy steps' by Doctor Doom, 'My Life in Space' by Wheatley, 'How to deal with being a metaphysical being' by Doctor Manhattan, 'The man who was October' by G.K. Chesterton (an unfinished book only completed in dreams that Homura 'borrowed' from the realm of dreams), and last, but not least, 'How to deal with not getting the girl' by Shinji Ikari.
The fireplace too, was fairly average, with it's finely chiseled stone and warm heat emitting from another universe's rarest firewood, found only from the trees of Alderaan before being blown up by a giant death beam.
All and all, while it was terribly average, it served its purpose.
The girl was engrossed in one of the entries, before noticing the audience within the study room. "Oh, hello there, questers, welcome to my humble abode," she said, before a tomato flew in through the open window and impacted her face, exploding in a burst of slush and juices. She didn't seem particularly bothered by it.
"If you're wondering what I'm reading, it's called the 'The Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy' specifically an entry on Vogons. They're really very interesting. The potential weaponization of their horrible poem skills is unimaginable!" she said, ignoring the steadily increasing rain of tomatoes.
"Oh, but I'm getting off topic aren't I?" she said, putting a hand to her mouth in feigned embarrassment. Still being pelted by tomatoes.
"Well now, If I remember right, I'm supposed to be recapping the events of the story, yes? I'm also given permission to criticize your actions in any way I feel like!" she added happily.
She got off the averagely boring, but comfortable, recliner (now coated in tomatoes) before walking to one of the shelves and selecting a thin volume entitled 'HomuHomu's Bizarre Adventure'. "Ah, here it is, 'HomuHomu's Bizarre Adventure'..." there was a long pause before she looked straight at the viewers and raised an eyebrow, "Really? Was that the best you could come up with?"
Hey, I'm just the beta reader. I wasn't even on the project 'till episode 8.
"Hmph, that's no excuse. Moving on..."
"Well anyways, I obviously go over won't every single but I will go over the majors ones," she explained, all the while still being pelted by tomatoes.
She turned to the first chapter titled 'Morning Homura - 1'. "Remind me, out of all the infinite universes, how is it that
you don't have to deal with heart problems, while the several infinite others like me have to?" she said, smile on her face, but malice in her voice. "And why are you more readily skilled and prepared than me? On the first try of all things!"
She skipped a few chapters before stopping on one titled 'Coffee - 5'. "Yes, that is a good question, why
are all the windows made of glass?" she said, a contemplative look on her face. "Well, it's safe to say that your first day of school is shaping up to be particularly interesting.
She turned to the next chapter titled 'FAILUREFAG IS DOWN! - 6'. "Ha! You're hilarious you know. First day of school and already you've horribly maimed someone. Hopefully no one will hunt you in a fit of revenge or anything... Oh who am I kidding, there's no way you're that lucky." she commented. "Anyway, next chapter, you meet for the first time Madoka... Why are you not falling in love with her?! She's sweet and cute and adorable! Also screw Miki."
She flipped a page to 'Bunny Thing - 8'. "So you're being buddies with Kyubey...
Stop being friendly with that rat and blow his brains out already!" she hissed at the book.
She skipped to the chapter titled 'SURPRISE!!! - 15'. "So, you punched a witch to death and the process lost your arm. I did better with my first witch," she commented smugly. "Oh, you're friends with Oriko, great....She offered to give you an awesome robot arm! Why couldn't I have that Oriko! And Madoka was crying on your lap! You should have comforted her better you little emotionless fool!"
Says The Homunator, inventor of Homuplomacy.
With a venomous glare, she skipped some more and went to 'Homura puts on her cassock - 24'. "...Why couldn't I have a body like that! I could have gotten Madoka easier if I had that body! And it's blindingly obvious that she likes you! Stop being so dense!"
She skips again to 'The part where SV does its thing - 26'. "...Why... why would you do that?"
She turns to the next chapter 'A friendly conversation with Kars - 27'. "Wow, you already incurred the wrath of a powerful magical girl based organization on your first day! Even I never screwed up that fast." she said before turning to the next few chapters. "Hmmm... It be better if you dump kerosene on him and set it off with napalm if you ask me... Ha, your luck is terrible. At least I didn't have to deal with another time stopper."
She turned to the chapter 'ROAD ROLLER DA!!! - 31. "So a steam roller beats infinite blades? That's good to know."
She turned to the chapter 'For Science - 33'. "I can't believe you accepted an offer from that little piece of scum! It always ends badly, believe me.
She turns to the chapter 'Napalm - 39'. "So the hospital is being attacked and you slapped a little girl with a napalm filled toast, and then got set on fire by said toast? Wow."
She skipped to the chapter 'No kill like overkill - 44'. "It's always the chipmunks I tell you. It's the chipmunks. And no, JarringToaster, I do not have an army of Clara Flamingos."
From outside, there was the sound of several hundred flamingos trying to hide themselves.
She skipped to another chapter called 'Chatting with an Alien - 51'. "You seriously should stop being friends with that piece of shit," she said before adding. "Also, next chapter? Your Miki is worst than my Miki, and that's saying something."
She skipped to the chapter 'A problem every 10 minutes - 54'. "Even I get a break every once in awhile."
She once again skipped to another chapter 'Chest tattoo - 57'. "So you entered a bloody competition for really no reward... why?
She reached the last available chapter at the moment 'COOL!!!!! - 59'. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!" She laughed uproariously before grinning at you. "You are so screwed!"
After a while she calmed down and looked back at you. "So... After some reading, analyzing, careful philosophical consideration, and giggling, I believe I can sum up your situation.
You. Are. Fucked.
You have an entire organization on you, you've entered a competition filled with nothing but death, you have the weakest Servant class, your Sayaka is more of an idiot than any other Sayaka, you are endangering Madoka, have practically no sense of love or beauty, and you're losing limbs faster than Miki does! Face it, you can't win," she said, before reshelving the book and walking back back to the tomato covered recliner,settling into it and folding it back.
"That ends this chapter, I suppose, hope you enjoyed it! Also, try not to die will you?" she said, before being hit by a particularly large tomato, roughly the size of an average family van, burying her.
This incredibly unhelpful recap episode brought to you by LttL Productions, in cooperation with Homucifer Akuma.
LttL Productions cannot be held responsible for any physical, mental, or emotional damage resulting from taking Homucifer Akemi's advice and/or statements at face value.
Seriously, we just work the cameras.
Choose 1 (One left)
[] Skip Interlude
[] The first battle - Saber Vs. Rider
[] Another day, another witch - Mami
[] My body hurts - Sayaka
[] Servant dream - Jack the Ripper
[] Bad End Dojo Introduction - Joseph Joestar, Taiga, Number One Student, Junko, and several guest stars