I can't help but find it off that Hero Doom rechristens himself Doom, and not Victor, which is much more heroic, and also a more accurate display of his intent.
That's not a bad observation, and I'm pretty sure Marvel eventually realized the same thing. I recall him going by Victor when he was trying a heroic stint in canon, and then there's Zora Vukovic, a present-day Latverian supporting character for Doc Doom, who goes by the super-moniker 'Victorious'...
088: Marvel Super Heroes - Secret Wars #1 (May 1984)
Introduction
Secret Wars is an interesting historical artifact, because for all its eventual relevance to the superhero genre, its origins are intensely cynical and money grubbing. Basically, Marvel Comics' Editor-in-chief Jim Shooter was interested in getting involved in superhero-based toy sales, since competitor DC already got involved with Kenner, while Mattel was producing He-Man toys. It seemed like an obvious route to get kids to invest more in the brand. Mattel was interested in adapting Marvel's characters, but only if they staged a publishing event that would get a lot of attention for the toys, and which they could build a theme around. Fans had often suggested 'one big story with all the heroes and all the villains in it,' so that's what happened. The very first Marvel mega-crossover was born, years before Crisis on Infinite Earths would do the same for the Distinguished Competition.
If you weren't convinced about my accusations of being most interested in the money, consider that Marvel went through a number of ideas for names for the toy line and series, including 'Cosmic Champions', but Mattel's focus group tests indicated that kids reacted positively to the words 'wars' and 'secret', so that's what they ended up using. Okay. Mattel also had a number of other requirements: Doctor Doom, they said, looked too medieval, so his armor would have to be made more high-tech. (Blasphemy!) So would Iron Man's, because their focus groups indicated that kids reacted positively to that sort of thing. Okay... They also said there had to be new fortresses, vehicles and weapons, because they wanted to make play-sets, higher price point merchandise, and additional play value. Yeeeah. This entire event is the epitome of commercialization, and it's a small miracle that it came out not completely horrible. It managed to pull a Transformers, basically.
As a landmark series, Secret Wars built up something of a reputation, with some people listing it among the best comic book events ever, while others consider it highly overrated. On the negative end, common criticisms involve the confused and overly large roster of characters, an artificially lengthened storyline that lags for issues at a time, occasional dodgy art, poor treatment of female characters (joy) and frequent and blatant disregard of existing characterization. The latter can likely be attributed to the fact that the entire story was written by a single person, Jim Shooter himself, who didn't have any particular personal involvement with a majority of the cast before this.
On the positive end many people praise the epic scope of both story and battles, the numerous iconic moments, the newly introduced characters, and the larger emphasis on line-spanning crossovers that spawned from this series. Special appreciation exists regarding developments that involve the Hulk, Spider-Man, Thing, Molecule Man, and - most relevantly to us - Doctor Doom. Secret Wars would prove to be a defining moment in Doom's career as a Marvel villain. Possibly the defining moment.
Cover
This cover is iconic enough that it's received a host of later homages, but honestly it just seems like a jumble of various heroes against a blank background to me. It's somewhat odd that the comic leaves out several faces, including Thor, Mr. Fantastic, Professor X, and Magneto, the latter of which would probably have drawn some interest since his inclusion among 'heroes' would be rather unusual. Wasp and She-Hulk are depicted wearing different costumes than they do inside the actual issue, which is just weird.
That said, it received this rather spectacular redrawn version by legendary artist Alex Ross, one of my all-time favorites for successfully depicting superheroes in a realistic style without making their costumes look like Halloween dress up. He was involved in the creation of my favorite comic book anything - Astro City, which I might cover in its own Let's Read at some point - and also drew stuff like Marvels and Kingdom Come for the big publishers. Both of those stories are fantastic for more than just their great art, but it definitely helps!
Story Overview
The War Begins
Although a whole host of preludes exist that lead into Secret Wars, none of them are terribly important. They all essentially mimic each other in that various heroes are attracted to a mysterious construct that appeared in Central Park, and disappear into it. This moment can be seen in various comics, most notably Amazing Spider-Man v1 #251, Uncanny X-Men v1 #180, Iron Man v1 #181, Incredible Hulk v1 #294, The Thing #10, Thor v1 #341, Avengers v1 #242, Captain America v1 #292, and Fantastic Four v1 #295. Major characters from each of those titles are then teleported to a space station in a distant corner of the universe, where an uninhabited galaxy looms in a star-studded sky.
The comic proper opens with a wide shot of the entire heroic cast gathered together, startled to find themselves in the ass-end of nowhere. Captain Marvel asks how on earth they got here, and Reed Richards immediately starts expounding on the mechanics of teleportation. Unexpectedly the Hulk comments that it's obvious, and in a similarly unexpected response, Iron Man wonders what Reed is even talking about. In any case, Johnny Storm tells Iron Man that Reed will get tired of talking in a minute, and then he'll repeat himself in English, and a few minutes after that he'll repeat himself in monosyllabic words for the Thing. Heh.
Some clarification is in order here: the Hulk had Bruce Banner's intelligence at this time due to events in his own books, and unbeknownst to his Avengers teammates, Tony Stark recently handed off his golden helmet to his friend James Rhodes (better known as War Machine) while he's off dealing with his alcoholism. There's other weirdness with the various characters and their continuities too, like Professor X showing up in his iconic wheelchair despite being able to walk at this point, the presence of Cyclops, since he left the team and is supposed to be on his honeymoon, the fact that the Lizard was cured of his condition last we saw him, and the minor issue that Doctor Doom and Ultron are supposed to be dead! A lot of hand waving is going on in the background, I'm sure!
The next point of order is introductions. The heroes include the Avengers: the Wasp, She-Hulk, Captain Marvel (the Monica Rambeau version, not Carol Danvers), Captain America, Thor, Hawkeye, and Iron Man (who was supposed to be on leave.) Next there are the X-Men, including Professor X, Storm, Nightcrawler, Rogue, Cyclops, Wolverine, Colossus, and Lockheed the Dragon. Rounding out the gathering are independent heroes Hulk and Spider-Man, and the Fantastic Four minus the Invisible Woman, who was pregnant at this time. That's… quite a stacked cast, and we should remember that's only barely half of what we're dealing with here!
In point of fact, we switch panels to reveal a second space station. Cap asks Professor X to give them a headcount of who is gathered on that construct, and the man admits the sheer evil emanating from it makes that difficult. Sure. The villainous lineup is introduced by Doctor Doom himself, and includes Amora the Enchantress, Ultron, the Absorbing Man, the Wrecker and his Wrecking Crew (Thunderball, Piledriver, and Bulldozer), Kang the Conqueror, Galactus, the Lizard, the Molecule Man, and Doctor Octopus. Doom decides there's an intriguing selection of dangerous individuals on both space stations, and immediately figures they are armies gathered for war...
Back with the heroes, the Thing points out that there's a 'who's who' of bad guys gathered on the other construct… and then points behind him to the odd man out among their own: the final member of their group is Magneto! Captain Marvel calls Magneto a murderer to his face, likely in reference to his killing of an entire submarine crew in Uncanny X-Men v1 #150 - although that happened in self-defense after it opened fire first. Magneto rejects the label of murderer, declaring that he is many things, but not a slayer of innocents. And why are they asking why he's been placed with them, anyway? Isn't it far more important to wonder why they are placed with him? Okay, calm down Rorschach! Professor X notes that his arrogance might just be Magneto's undoing, but he's soon distracted by the sky.
The starry expanse suddenly seems to be erased, a whole galaxy reduced to nothing within moments, leaving only the two stations in a black void. Only a single star remains of the entire galaxy, and the two space stations are flung towards it at great speed, revealing that a planet is being constructed around that star. A patchwork world is being assembled from fragments of other places in an awe-inspiring show of power, and even Doom can't keep the wonder out of his voice. It's a feat dwarfing the wildest imaginings of the gods, and the power required is inconceivable, incalculable!
Despite all these incredible cosmic events, Doctor Octopus and the Crusher immediately get into a petty brawl over where they keep their various tentacles and weapons. Ultron soon breaks them up with a blast of energy, stating that he doesn't know how he came to be resurrected here, since last he remembers he was destroyed. Still, his purpose is to slay the living, and they are all living beings, ergo… he immediately starts blasting the other villains, sending them scurrying in every direction.
The Absorbing Man easily tanks the hits, but Doom realizes that the rest of them are not so safe from the robot's attacks, and the Adamantium-clad Ultron might defeat even him with time. As such he turns to the Molecule Man and demands he use his powers over inanimate matter to stop the mad automaton. The Molecule Man declares he gave up that name - he's just Owen Reece now, and his therapist has told him he shouldn't hurt anyone. Doom points out that only he and Galactus might have the ability to take out Ultron, and the latter is oblivious to all their fates. Putting two and two together, Doom then proposes a plan which might be palatable to Reece.
Reece agrees, and uses his powers not to destroy Ultron… but to toss him bodily into the giant behemoth that towers over all of them. Galactus glances down to the annoyance that smacked into his enormous shins, and levitates Ultron up towards him. The robot starts blasting the giant villain, figuring he's just one more living creature he must destroy, and promises he'll kill him a little more slowly to punish him for the indignity of being moved against his will.
Galactus sucks his body dry of power in a single instant, absorbing all the power in his nuclear reactor and dropping the empty shell to the floor. The Wrecking Crew stare on in horror as Galactus goes back to staring into nothingness, the rest of them far below his notice. Suddenly a mysterious rip opens in the sky, and light shines through that's brighter even than the glow of the nearby star.
'I am from beyond!' a wavering voice states. 'Slay your enemies, and all you desire shall be yours! Nothing you dream of is impossible for me to accomplish!' The heroes and villains look on in awe, feeling in their bones that the statement is true. Galactus is not impressed, calling out the voice: 'You! Beyonder! Hear me, hear Galactus!' He can sense that this being is from beyond this universe, this Multiverse, and has the power he states. He could take from Galactus his hunger, the need to consume living worlds. Let it be done! He can't wait for some petty charade to play out, and launches off the construct towards the tear in space-time.
Unlike the rest of the villains, Doctor Doom hasn't been loitering around while this was happening. He uses Galactus' departure to slip through the protective barriers of the space station, and while his personal force field allows him to survive exposure to space, his rocket-belt lets him keep up with the enormous purple planet eater. If there is power to be had, Doom must have it! Galactus hasn't even noticed his presence, and Doom is happy with that - let Galactus take the fight to the Beyonder while Doom waits in the wings, ready to seize any opportunity. What secrets might he learn, what power might he obtain?
The Beyonder announces that they cannot approach any further, that a barrier will repulse them, but Galactus continues on regardless. Doom realizes his armor can't take this kind of power and stays behind, analyzing the cosmic forces around him for some shreds of knowledge while he waits for Galactus to tear down the barrier. The rip suddenly explodes with intense power, depositing both Galactus and Doom back into the void, and then it seals up like it was never even there.
While the heroes look on in stupefied awe, the two space stations suddenly move, separating as they descend towards the surface of the patchwork planet below. Suddenly the heroes are beamed to the surface, appearing together on solid land. Captain America immediately takes charge, ordering various Avengers to form a perimeter, while Reed Richards stretches upwards and announces he can't see any villains. The Wasp dryly points out that Magneto is right there. Magneto says that he was chosen by the Beyonder to be among them, and in any case, extremism in defense of one's race is no evil! Humans are oppressors, while mutants are their victims, the persecuted! Why should he be considered a villain when humans bear the shame of dishonor? Professor X and Cyclops try to calm down tensions, noting that they've had more run-ins with Magneto than anyone, and this is not the time to try him for his actions. They might not agree with his methods, but they may need his power in this conflict, and…
'Mutants stick together, huh?' Hawkeye demands, pointing out that sticking to a blood-soaked maniac like Magneto doesn't speak well of the rest of them. Wolverine decides to throw some threats of his own in, too.
Soon enough Johnny Storm gets tired of the debate and attacks Magneto, who uses metal from the earth to toss the various heroes away from him, declaring that he is Homo Superior - only Thor among them might be considered his equal! The X-Men again try to defuse the situation, but the rest of the heroes aren't too interested in peaceful solutions with the supervillain, and it seems like it'll come to blows. Magneto isn't keen on seeing mutant blood spilled on his behalf and decides to simply leave, flying off into the sky with his magnetic powers.
In the wake of his departure, Professor X notes they clearly need to agree on leadership, and proposes Mr. Fantastic take up the role. Reed admits his thoughts are with his expecting wife, a million parsecs away, and they probably don't want a distracted leader. He suggests Bruce Banner. Johnny immediately points out that he was a dumb brute until very recently, and it's tough to shake that image. Banner admits he's not interested in giving orders, and points to Captain America. The Wasp, apropos of nothing, declares that while she is the leader of the Avengers at this time, she'll happily defer to Cap. She-Hulk wonders why, and the Wasp explains that they're off in some strange land fighting some secret war (drum-roll!) and people around here might not know her well, and thus have doubts. There's no room for that. Sure.
Cap suggests Professor X might be a good leader himself, but the Professor notes that besides minds, he reads hearts too - and Cap's is the most courageous of all. In a bizarre moment, Wolverine of all people suddenly declares that Captain America is the least of all of them, and can't do anything! He won't follow him! Thor pipes up to say that he will, and that while he doesn't pledge himself to many of mortal stature, he will obey Cap. Professor X figures that settles it, and they move on. I'm not sure what that was about, but it sure didn't sound like any Wolverine I know…
Far away we catch up with Doctor Doom, who has survived his ordeal in space. He finds himself next to the unconscious body of Galactus, and muses about the sheer power that's responsible for their current situation, and what to do about it. He soon discovers a nearby structure, a futuristic fortress provided by the Beyonder, and figures that's where he'll find the others. He has to talk to them, he decides, and convince them not to fight. They must not play the Beyonder's game!
As soon as he approaches the fortress he's greeted by Doc Ock and the Wrecker, who say the villains have decided among themselves - with some exceptions - that Doctor Doom should be the one to lead them. They'll whip any uncooperative jerks into line, and with him leading the charge, there's no way they can lose! Together, they can win the Beyonder's prize!
Doom wonders if the prize is really all they can think about. They have seen the power to end and begin universes, and they dwell on cheap lust for selfish desires? Doom tells them they shouldn't fight, because there is more at stake here than they know! The Molecule Man pipes up that he'd like a nice house, and friends, and maybe a girl that loves him. Doom announces that to fight for such cheap causes would be to play into the Beyonder's hand, and prove their status as mere microbes on a slide. They must transcend themselves! They have a chance here to reach out to a being to whom gods are insects, and the key to totality - to immortality - is nearly in their grasp!
The Absorbing Man, hearing Doom's grand trans-humanist dreams, decides he's clearly just a wimp. He saw Galactus get slapped down, and now he's too cowardly to fight! Doom wonders if he really still wants to act like a bacteria, responding to the Beyonder's crude stimuli like expected. The Absorbing Man notes that if that means he still wants to fight - yeah!
'Fools!' Doom declares, and blasts his fellow villains away with his gauntlets, destroying the room around them as he departs. He should have realized that they wouldn't understand, he muses, as in all the universe there might be only one other person who would comprehend him. And though it pains him, Doom decides he must take counsel with his most hated enemy, Reed Richards! He grabs an alien vehicle provided by the Beyonder and flies off into the sky.
Nearby, Kang watches him depart and wonders if perhaps Doom seeks to ally with the heroes - and betray them. Though he might be a descendant of Doom from some future epoch, and they are honestly much alike in character, Kang cannot permit treachery. He uses a giant anti-air artillery gun installed in the base to shoot down the departing plane, and Doom vanishes in a cataclysmic detonation…
Elsewhere, the heroes have noticed the nuclear explosion that went off in the sky, and track down the ship that fell from the sky. Storm uses her powers to speed things along, carrying aloft the X-Men that can't fly on their own power, while Iron Man lugs along a chunk of earth containing a few Avengers, and the Hulk bounces alongside them with the Thing and Spider-Man hanging on for dear life. They soon arrive at the crash site, and discover Doom among the wreckage, alive but hurt from the explosion. 'We are bacteria… dust…'
Cap approaches the collapsed monarch to the dismay of his allies. Johnny points out they need to disarm him, and Wolverine immediately offers to slice him out of his armor with his handy claws. Cap offers his assistance, but Doom says he needs aid from no man. He wrestles himself upright and sees pity in Cap's eyes, and even in Reed's. Pity? They should pity themselves! He should have known not even they might comprehend what only Doom can know! They will rue this moment, he declares in a fit of rage, they and the Beyonder and all the universe! He blasts the ground beneath their feet into rubble and flies off, declaring they will all grovel at his feet...
Johnny wonders if maybe they could have been a bit more diplomatic about their approach, and Wolverine threatens to cut him into slice him up - he's really violent at the moment, isn't he? Their debate is interrupted by Iron Man's warning that something's approaching. They're under attack! The final page of the issue is the full remaining roster of the villains, sans Galactus, attacking the heroes en masse…
To be continued...
Rating & Comments
Secret Wars opens with a decent enough issue that doesn't have a ton of action, as it's mostly concerned with setting up the series' general concept. The primary thing we learn is that there's a lot of characters, and naturally not all of them get equal treatment. On the hero side of things, it's hard not to notice that everyone comes across as rather bland and predictable mouthpieces for generic 'hero' dialogue, with not a ton of individuality on display outside the Thing and Wolverine. The latter comes off as a rather poor representation of his canon self, mostly spending his time being a one-note aggressive brawler who randomly hates Captain America for some unexplained reason, but it's at least something.
The weirdest thing about the hero side, I think, is the fact that the Wasp instantly decides to toss away her leadership role in the Avengers in favor of Captain America. There is no reason she couldn't have just delegated some responsibilities if that's what she's concerned about, so her claim that she's giving up power because people might doubt her comes off as rather weird. She knows basically all of these heroes already, so what's the problem exactly? I'm suspicious that it's just another 'Mattel said focus groups favored men in charge' or something like that, but let's hope this is the worst indignity she suffers in this series. (He says, knowing some of what's to come.)
Aside from that, it's kind of weird that the Magneto issue is considered twice in this issue - first on board the space station, then again when they arrive on Battleworld (which the patchwork world will be known as.) The second time feels especially off, since the heroes actively try to start things with Magneto for no other reason than that he's done villainous things in the past, which isn't generally their modus operandi. They come off as hot-headed idiots there, and not just Johnny Storm. I'm puzzled why the Avengers never brought up the presence of Rogue, who has a villainous past of her own that they would be more familiar with than her time serving on the X-Men. I guess they forgot? It gets even weirder when you consider what they with regards to Doctor Doom later in the same issue. That villain probably would have reacted a lot better to the heroes harassing him than the abject pity he received. I guess that's what you get when you put Cap in charge of the operation, huh?
The villain side is the more engaging and exciting of the two, as usual - which is not too surprising given the rather more colorful array of individuals on display there. I am a bit dubious about the choice of villains, though, with obvious names like Mephisto, Graviton, Red Skull, and Loki missing altogether, as well as X-Men threats like the Skrulls or the Brood, in favor of inclusions like all four of the Wrecking Crew. In any case, Absorbing Man is easily the funniest of the bunch, while the inclusion of Molecule Man (who was trying to better himself) and Galactus (who is debatably a villain at this time, as he's clearly working to get rid of his hunger.) make things interesting, and the interactions shown between these characters are far more entertaining than any on the hero side.
I quite liked Doctor Doom's role in this issue, since he immediately establishes himself as someone with bigger aspirations than beating up some heroes, the only one to see beyond immediate short-term profits. He quickly plays Ultron and Galactus against each other, tailgates Galactus to the Beyonder's doorstep, and becomes the only one who rejects the Beyonder's challenge. All the other villains are all too happy to fight in this early-bird Grail War, but Doom sees a bigger goal beyond playing some capricious god's games. He foresees transcendence. He witnesses a power beyond any he's ever seen, and his very first instinct is not to bow and scrape, but to obtain it for himself. Doom's inability to work with others, dismissing even those who would happily defer to him, might prove to be his biggest stumbling block though, as ultimately he's left by himself. I'm sure he'll take care of that soon enough, though.
While this issue is pretty significant, and almost definitely a must-read, it's probably a bit much to blanket 5-star this entire series just for that reason. It's not perfect, with plenty of points of criticism even in this first issue alone, so I'm just going to give these comics scores representative of my general feelings about them - and this one's pretty good. The premise is a bit hokey, sure, and the heroes a bit naff, but the villainous material is engaging, and Doctor Doom comes off as competent and interesting from the beginning. Suffice to say that sort of thing weighs heavily on my rating. Promising start!
Best Panel(s) of the Issue
I think a bunch of the more cosmic-scale events in this issue would work well enough, like the creation of Battleworld - but I have to go with the closure of the Beyonder's rip in space-time, with Doom suspended in his force field just beyond its perimeter. It's a pretty neat shot!
Here's another great cosmic shot of a galaxy getting erased, to show off the Beyonder's insane power.
Most Gloriously Villainous Doom Quotes
"An intriguing selection of most dangerous individuals - and none more so than I, Doctor Doom!"
"Awe-inspiring, humbling feats, dwarfing the wildest imaginings of the gods! The power necessary… it's incalculable! Inconceivable!"
"We - we have seen the power to end and begin universes… and you dwell on cheap lust for your selfish desires? Listen to Doom! We must not fight! There is more at stake here than we know! … Ignore your petty dreams! To fight is to prove we are but microbes on a slide! We must transcend ourselves! We have a chance to reach a being to whom the gods are insects! The key to totality, to immortality is near at hand, perhaps in our grasp!"
"Doom… needs the aid… of no man! Is that pity I see in your eyes, Captain America? And yours, Richards? Pity yourselves! I was a fool to think such as you might comprehend what only Doom can know! You will rue this moment! You, the others, the Beyonder… and the universe! Soon, all will grovel at my feet!"
Absorbin' Man Is F'in Priceless
"Hey, I'm sorry, butt-head! I, Crusher Creel, the Absorbin' Man, wuz watchin' the show outside! That's keepin' me real busy right now, but when it's done I'll ram you through a bulkhead so's you and your stupid tentacles won't be underfoot no more!"
"Lemme get this straight - you're a wimp, right?"
Doom's Bad Hair Day
Some of the art is pretty dodgy in this, and while this panel conveys what's going on well enough, it also looks like a really rough sketch of what the panel is supposed to depict, rather than actual artwork that was published. Ah, if only John Byrne was around to draw this, he's gotten quite promising with his artwork in the last couple issues I covered... Or Alex Ross I guess, but let's keep things realistic...
Here we can see that the Villians cannot comprehend the mind of a true leader such as DOOM. Even having promised him their service, they cannot conceive of the intricate subtleties that DOOM perceives as plain as day. This is why all must be made to serve DOOM, for none other can be his equal.
Yeah, that's fair enough. It started publishing about thirteen months before Crisis, and it's probably not outrageous to think Secret Wars had something to do with DC going forward with their own mega-crossover event. Out of the two, I'm sure Crisis is the superior story - but it also put the bar really high, and I'm not sure DC ever quite reached it again. Although, to be fair, Secret Wars II wasn't exactly worth writing home about either...
Two: Yes, please do an LR of Astro City, that'd be awesome!
Here we can see that the Villians cannot comprehend the mind of a true leader such as DOOM. Even having promised him their service, they cannot conceive of the intricate subtleties that DOOM perceives as plain as day. This is why all must be made to serve DOOM, for none other can be his equal.
You say that in jest, but I'm reading #2 and Doom actually names their headquarters 'Doombase' right away, without taking any input from anyone else...
089: Marvel Super Heroes - Secret Wars #2 (June 1984)
Cover
We already had a 'lots of random characters in a big group shot' cover, so I guess a generic floating heads cover couldn't be far behind. It's probably obvious that I'm not too fond of these kinds of covers, but at least one character shows up in full here, making it slightly better than it could have been. After the time the first issue spent on the heroes bickering over Magneto, though, it's mildly concerning that he's the cover feature of the next issue as well. I guess that subplot has to develop somewhere. I'm slightly weirded out that all the X-Men characters are missing from the cover of a Magneto-related storyline, but I guess we'll soon find out what that's about...
Story Overview
Prisoners of War!
We pick up where the last issue left off, with Reed Richards declaring the villains are attacking, while Wolverine unsheathes his claws and says: 'Good.' One-track mind, that one. Captain America starts barking battle orders, declaring they'll form a wedge which him at the point, and everyone swiftly obeys. His plan goes splendidly: the villains fire a heavy weapon into the congregation of heroes and completely vaporize the unspecified alien hill-like structure they were perched on, sending everyone flying in all directions and knocking half of them unconscious in the opening salvo. Ouch. Doc Ock tries to give orders, but the villains just ignore him and hunt down whoever is nearby, which seems to be working quite well for them, as the heroes lack any means of responding in kind.
Cap asks Hulk to buy them enough time to regroup, since the attack is uncoordinated and disjointed, which might allow the heroes an opportunity to turn things around. He orders the others to aim for the guns, but when Hulk tears a huge boulder out of the ground to toss it at his enemies, they respond by blasting it to smithereens with yet more lasers. Mr. Fantastic, Spider-Man and She-Hulk remain on their feet and try to rouse the unconscious heroes, without much success.
The villains, meanwhile, are having a grand old time beating up their foes - Kang is blasting everything with his futuristic gun while the Absorbing Man is his usual self, calling the heroes creampuffs and 'ducks in a shootin' gallery.' Kang tells him that he should keep an eye on their flank and beware a counteroffensive - victory is uncertain until the enemy is dead, especially without Doctor Doom on their side. Ah, he laments, too bad Doom had to die for his betrayal…!
Unbeknownst to Kang, of course, Doom survived his encounter with an anti-aircraft gun, and now flies through alien skies with his rocket-belt only a few dozen miles away. He's thinking of recent events, recapping the plot of Secret Wars #1 in brief, as he makes his way back to the place where he left the unconscious Galactus. Instead of getting up like a normal person might, clambering awkwardly upright from the dust, Galactus simply rises from the ground and tilts until his massive feet are once more beneath him. 'Hear me, mighty Galactus! Hear the words of Doctor Doom!' says Doom.
The words seem to bounce off Galactus, who strides away as if Doom is just some gnat buzzing around his feet. And so he is, Doom admits - just as all of them, even Galactus, are but insects before the all-powerful Beyonder. The others have chosen to play the Beyonder's simple game, thereby paying homage to him, so should Doom do the same and kneel in worship? Or should he choose another path - one only Doom might dare...?
Doom heads back towards the base of the villains, finding it empty since they went out to fight with the heroes. As he enters he's surprised by a pair of security drones that evaded his armor's detection, proving that there's important technology here that might be of use to him, even as he blasts the machines to pieces with his hand lasers.
One of the damaged drones careens into a door and Doom takes advantage of the handy new entrance, disabling the defense controls as he makes his way inside and claims the base for his own. Deep inside the complex Doom stumbles across the remains of Ultron, killed by Galactus just last issue, and muses that his adamantium body might yet be of use. Ultron would be very useful for when his fellow villains return, after all - if they return.
Back at the battle, Cap orders Iron Man and the Thing to back off as Thor lays down the hurt on the Lizard and some of the Wrecking Crew by smashing up more of the landscape, while the Hulk tangles with the tripod vehicle that's carrying the biggest guns. Cyclops pitches in with some of his eye beams, blasting the vehicle apart after it crumples to the floor.
She-Hulk attacks Enchantress, coming across as barely more intelligent than the old Hulk by calling her a 'not-so-nice lady', before easily getting smacked aside by the Asgardian. She might not be a physical combatant, but Thor's race is rather sturdy as a rule, and the only reason the Enchantress isn't punching out people all the time is that she doesn't want to sully her hands. She-Hulk decides that this means she can go all-out, and stops holding back - her next punch connects and sends Amora reeling back. 'Oh, wow!' she exclaims. 'That was, like, tubular you know - to the max!' Seriously? Seriously?
With a good chunk of the villains KO, the remnants beat a hasty retreat, leaving Amora, Kang, and the Wrecking Crew behind with the heroes, who quickly ties them up with the metal remains of the tripod. They decide not to pursue, as they need to consolidate their position first, and Cap asks Storm to fly up and perform some reconnaissance for defensible shelter. Storm muses that the atmosphere feels thick on this artificial world, ideal for use by her power, and she wonders if the Beyonder prepared it this way intentionally. If so, it suits her fine!
Soon the heroes arrive at a location that Storm discovered - another gigantic alien base the size of 'fifty-four and a half Pentagons' as nerdy Hulk estimates. Hulk suggests he go inside first since he's the strongest hero, and Cap points out that Iron Man and Thor might dispute that claim, but he sure doesn't. Colossus notes that he can't find Lockheed the Dragon anywhere since the battle, and worries what he'll tell Kitty Pryde when he gets back. Wolverine pessimistically points out that they might not get back at all - forget the dragon!
The prisoners are secured inside the huge compound, in a form of 'psychostasis' which basically mind-controls the prisoners into losing their aggressive impulses. 'It's very humane,' Reed opines. Cap says that he's glad Reed is there - he doubts any of the rest of them could have gotten the alien technology going. Spidey notes that he's glad Hulk is out of earshot - he's been quite touchy lately. Reed says he also found a healing device, a regenerator, and he placed the Enchantress in there - she might be a goddess, he notes, but she did get punched unconscious by an angry She-Hulk. Cap commends him for his compassion for even their enemies, saying that he gives added meaning to the word 'hero' with such actions. Satisfied that the threat is over for the moment, the heroes decide to have some rest.
Gathering together on a nearby rooftop, Cap says they might have won the first skirmish, but not the war by a long shot. They have no idea where any of the missing villains are, and there's some big hitters in there - Galactus, Doom, Molecule Man, Doc Ock, the Wrecker, the Absorbing Man and Magneto are still out there. Any one of them is too dangerous to take lightly. Still, they have a numerical advantage now, and they should take advantage of that. Wolverine declares Cap nuts and turns away, but the man with a plan doesn't really care, ordering the flying Avengers to ensure a safe perimeter around their base while the rest will go look for suitable quarters and a mess hall. Johnny wonders if the others agree that Cap is approaching this right, and Iron Man responds with 'Does Doctor J play roundball, Junior?' which… Shooter and his dialogue, man. When he's writing black people he can't help but slip some really stereotypical shit in there, huh?
Hundreds of miles away, we witness yet another giant alien fortress, which looks pretty cool - it's mostly suspended in the air, with only one side attached to the ground. Also it's shaped like a magnet, because this is the base of Magneto, and this comic is subtle like that. The mutant villain looks out over the surrounding bizarre alien environment full of pink tentacles and smoking craters, and notes how strange it is that in this place, the fate of all existence would hang in the balance. That's a bit much, isn't it? He wonders if the others feel the same sense of destiny that he does about this situation. Not long ago, he admits, he never would have imagined that the common rabble of humanity might share such feelings with a member of Homo Superior…
Hours later, the remaining villains make their way back to base, worrying about pursuing heroes and bickering among themselves. They arrive to find Doctor Doom standing in front of the entrance, proudly declaring that they're welcome to 'Doombase' - because of course he's already named it after himself! Absorbing Man immediately declares that 'Doctor Doomwimp' is back, and Doc Ock explains that Kang claimed to have destroyed Doom. Absorbing Man then calls him a rustpot, and if he doesn't he'll twist his tin nose off! How can you not love this guy? Molecule Man tries to ease tensions, but Wrecker doubles down on Absorbing Man's statements, and Doc Ock declares he rules here now!
Doom doesn't even move, and the villains are struck down by a blast from on high - it's Ultron, reprogrammed by Doom, an indestructible robot that channels energies even Absorbing Man cannot absorb (although last issue would suggest otherwise. Upgrades, maybe?) The villains decide it's not worth trying to push their luck, as they all just kind of want some food and sleep. Doom is pleased, and bids them to enter.
As they move through the base, Doom speaks to Molecule Man, calling him Mr. Reece and explaining he's set a special room aside for him. Reece is glad, but points out the can just use his powers over molecules to assimilate molecules instead of eating, and shoo away dirt particles so he's always nice and clean - but he admittedly is tired. Absorbing Man wonders why Doom is being so nice, and Wrecker points out that Molecule Man is probably stronger than the rest of them put together - manipulating molecules means he could do almost anything.
Molecule Man figures things are going to be okay, now that Doctor Doom is in charge, while Absorbing Man just wants 'grub and a sack' and that's it. Doctor Octopus is a little less happy about being a toady to Doom, and says he'd like to know what his plans are, and what happened to Galactus. Doom uses a nearby screen to show Galactus standing on a mountaintop halfway across the world, staring up into the sky without apparent purpose. He has theories on what he's up to, Doom says, but no certainties. And as for his plans? Well, suffice to say the forces of Doom will triumph! Doc Ock muses that Doom probably has goals beyond winning the Beyonder's contest, but he's not sure if he'll destroy the other villains in trying to achieve those goals - or immediately afterwards. Genre-savvy, ain't he?
As night falls over the heroic base, we see Magneto levitate into view, silencing alarms with his power as he goes and forcing open a door so he can get inside. Elsewhere in the fortress we see She-Hulk and the Wasp - the latter is having some trouble with the current situation, feeling like there's only a thin wall between her and despair. She-Hulk admits she's only barely holding it together herself, and they both take some comfort from their shared worries. Magneto, meanwhile, has flown to the power core that provides energy to the entire complex, deciding it will serve his purpose well…
Cyclops and Mr. Fantastic are having a chat as well, with the former explaining he was on honeymoon, and he wasn't even wearing his costume when he was teleported away, but he arrived wearing it anyway. Reed points out that Professor X wasn't in his wheelchair when he was teleported, but he arrived sitting in it anyway. The Beyonder, it appears, 'fixed' little things that seemed to be wrong or missing. He wouldn't doubt, for example, that he filled up Spider-Man's web-shooters for him, too. Cyclops muses that he doesn't really feel angry or afraid about the situation - but cheated. He was on the verge of happiness, and now he's thrown back into conflict…
The Thing is taking a stroll at that time, declaring that he's missing a Mets game, and comes across Reed and Cyclops mid-conversation. Unfortunately they are talking about how much they miss their wives at the time, and he dejectedly leaves again, annoyed that he's been forcefully reminded that he might never see Alicia again - even if that's probably for the best. Magneto, meanwhile, tinkers with the power core and engineers an impending catastrophe - enough to lure all the heroes over and keep them distracted, which should give him the opportunity to fulfill his actual goal…
Spider-Man and the Human Torch are also having a chat, with Johnny admitting he's not too worried - the Fantastic Four have been stranded in space a bunch of times, and they always got back home. Suddenly Spidey's spider-sense goes off, and the threat is coming from the direction of the power plant! Spidey decides he'll head over there while Johnny fetches reinforcements, and the latter points out that this is kind of out of his league - Spidey is more into taking down muggers than exploding nuclear reactors. Spidey says he can handle himself, and soon Johnny forms the iconic burning '4' in the sky, alerting the other heroes to the problem.
As the heroes rush towards the power plant, a giant ball of twisted metal comes careening past them with a hollering Spider-Man caught inside it - 'Wa-hoo-hoo!' the web-head shouts as he bounces into the wall. 'Guys, it's Magneto!' The Thing dryly points out they figured out as much.
Magneto starts toppling enormous equipment banks onto the approaching heroes, complaining to himself that things aren't working out as he'd planned - but the distraction should still be sufficient for his purposes. He flies off, and only the Thing and the Wasp managed to wrestle their way through the destruction. Magneto quickly packs a metal prison around the Wasp, which leaves only the Thing, who realizes that dragging the Wasp's prison along is slowing Magneto down, and he has an opportunity to jump onto the villain's back.
Which he would have done… if he didn't, quite suddenly, lose his powers. The rock-like exterior of the Thing suddenly fades away, leaving an entirely human Ben Grimm sitting in the debris, staring at his hands in disbelief. How? Why now? The other heroes soon catch up, confused by Ben's sudden humanity, and mad that Magneto got away with Wasp as a prisoner.
Captain Marvel decides this proves what side Magneto is on, once and for all - and did anyone else notice not a single one of the X-Men showed up to help? Cap decides they have enough problems to deal with before they go make new ones, and points to some nearby screens. He announces that Dr. Banner and he discovered they can't go after Magneto in force, because they'll soon have their hands full right here! On the screens we see Galactus, and some great phenomena erupting in the sky...
To be continued...
Rating & Comments
It's becoming quite clear to me already that the threat level of the heroes and villains are a bit lopsided in this story. When even a surprise attack by nearly the entire complement of villains, heavily armed with local ordinance, can't actually eke out a win against the heroes, what chance do they honestly have? In fact, roughly half of them get captured in that first skirmish, despite disabling most of their opponents in the opening salvo! Granted, the villains are missing some of their biggest hitters in Galactus, Doom, and Magneto, but still it's a pretty poor showing. After that initial fight, the rest of the issue is much more concerned with interpersonal conflict than the ongoing 'war', and much like the previous issue, the villains get more entertaining slice of that pie.
On the heroic side, we mostly get morose conversations between heroes as they reflect on their new base, their homesickness or lack thereof, and the fact that they're away from their friends and family for an unknown period of time. That's fair enough, of course, but it can't really measure up to the villains, who are busy trying try to navigate their way around the presence of Doctor Doom, who steals every scene he's in and outmaneuvers them all without much effort. Well, maybe he doesn't steal the scenes with Absorbing Man - I'm telling you, he's fun! I'm a bit disappointed that the character interactions are so generic and expected for the most part - the only ones that stand out are the ones that are rather out of character, like Wolverine randomly hating Cap, or Captain Marvel's fixation with Magneto. Or Iron Man randomly using slang, because I guess Jim Shooter has to remind us there's a black man inside that armor somehow.
The entire Magneto subplot is weird, and I presume we'll get more clarification on what's going on there later, since I haven't been able to figure it out from this issue alone. Magneto infiltrates the heroes' base to sabotage the reactor so he can use it as a distraction, but we never do find out what the point was. Magneto claims he can still succeed, but the only thing he does after that is grab the Wasp and skedaddle with her, and I can't imagine that was his intent. So what was the point of his attack? Was it just so Magneto can be categorized as a 'villain'? It's ironic that Captain Marvel is the one to go on an anti-Magneto rant, by the way, when she was also the biggest reason Magneto ran off in the first place in the previous issue, when she started insulting and threatening him. Bit rich to berate someone for being your enemy after you actively pushed for that development...
Doctor Doom is, once again, in rare form. His plans each seem sensible, but he moves on to try something else when they don't pan out, which is a lot more proactive behavior than basically any of the other characters can claim, save perhaps Magneto (but his plan is vague and nonspecific.) Doom's attempt to reach Galactus fails, but his decision to reprogram Ultron is inspired - as an established expert in the field of robotics, this seems like a really natural development for him. Doc Ock's awareness that Doom's alliances are only ever temporary is pretty genre-savvy, but it also reflects on Doom's general reputation in-universe - all the villains have a certain respect for the man, like Kang admitting earlier in the issue that Doom probably could have led the villain attack competently. I'm kind of amused that Doom is willing to work with the same people he spurned in the previous issue - because that time they did it voluntarily, and this time he pressured them into it. Heh.
This issue felt a bit aimless in places, with only Doom and Magneto making any apparent strides in furthering the plot. Everyone else just sort of reacted to what was going on around them, especially the heroes. Still, the comic's got some neat moments, Doom further confirms his hyper-competence compared to basically everyone in the entire crossover, and that bit with Spider-Man bouncing around the hall is priceless. I'll give this a neat average '3' and await grander things.
Best Panel(s) of the Issue
I think I have to elect one of the secret bases / fortresses for this one, as they are depicted in great detail, even as the various heroes and villains get some pretty low-poly representations. I think it makes the most sense to go for Magneto's, as it's not only the most interesting in design, but it also doesn't have any people in it to mar the image!
Most Gloriously Villainous Doom Quotes
"He ignored me! As though I were a gnat buzzing at his feet! And so I am. Just as all of us, even Galactus himself, are but insects to the all-powerful Beyonder! Thus, the others have chosen to play the Beyonder's simple game - thereby, in effect, paying homage to him. Should I too, pay homage? Should I worship at the feet of this god-like being - or choose another path… one only Doom would dare!"
"Absolutely indestructible… powerful beyond measure… armed with alien energies which even the Absorbing Man cannot absorb, and none of you can endure… He is mine to command! As are you!"
Absorbin' Man Is Priceless
"Haw! Those creampuffs are fallin' like ducks in a shootin' gallery!"
"Look, it's Doctor Doomwimp!"
"Get out of our way, rustpot, or I'll twist your tin nose off!"
"Grub and a sack! That's all I care about!"
Doom's Bad Hair Day
Much like in the previous issue, some of the art here is pretty low-detail, and I'm forced to wonder if it's just a bad scan or if this really is how this was published. They really must've been pushing those time constraints. In a whole lot of panels characters are clusters of parts, with feet turning into lines, limbs becomingfeatureless sticks, and faces reduced to two spots for eyes, and in some cases not even that! Ugh. Also what's up with Cap's gigantic barrel chest and awkward pose, exactly...?
Don't forget Ultron. If he hadn't been a teamkilling dick right off the bat, the heroes would've had to also contend with him. Maybe that's why Magneto was placed with the heroes in the first place. For team balance by acting as Ultron's counter.
090: Marvel Super Heroes - Secret Wars #3 (July 1984)
Cover
Well, it's good to see that this series has more to offer in its covers than generic 'people posing' and 'floating heads' designs, as this time we're treated to a full-on combat scene with what appears to be Spider-Man soloing the entire X-Men roster at the same time. Well, Cyclops appears to be firing randomly into the sky and Professor X is having a lie-down despite having control of his legs at this time, but I'll charitably assume they're attempting to contribute. Although it's a bit early to judge from just this image, I have a feeling that last issue's mysterious dearth of mutants during Magneto's attack will be explained in this issue - and it seems Spidey is not too happy with the explanation. I am a bit amused at Colossus standing on his tippy-toes here, by the way - I didn't know he could be so elegant!
Story Overview
Tempest Without, Crisis Within!
The issue starts with an explanation for the previous issue's ending. It turns out what was on those monitors was not some great cosmic event, as it appeared to be, but something closer to home: a gargantuan, violent storm has engulfed the area and would tear people limb from limb if they went out into the gale. We see Magneto's base buffeted by the storm as nearby mountains crumble in the face of the onslaught.
Magneto himself is watching from inside, content to let the weather rage on as it wants, since he has a 'guest' to attend to. He removes his helmet and lays himself down on a fancy chair before firing a bolt of magnetic power through his base, which snakes its way over to the metallic prison in which the Wasp is still held captive. Said prison explodes and leaves its tiny prisoner to flutter helplessly to the floor...
The Wasp returns to normal size, figuring Magneto's base might look less foreboding at normal size, but that proves not to be the case. She wonders why Magneto freed her before she suffocated, and decides she'll just go find him and ask. That proves to be easy enough - she stumbles on the villain as he's enjoying some alien bread and a drink. As she enters, he merrily asks if he should call her Miss van Dyne or Wasp, and warns her that attacking him wouldn't work because of his magnetic force-fields. 'Well la-de-da,' Wasp responds, before using her power to strike at Magneto's food rather than his person, which he was clearly not expecting. Hah!
Magneto gestures outside to the ongoing storm, and notes that neither of them are going to be leaving this base any time soon, so it's best they keep some sort of truce right now. Besides, he only wants to talk - that's why he brought her here! Wasp notes he's got a very obnoxious way of arranging a conversation, but decides she'll indulge him for a moment. With a smarmy smile Magneto then apologizes for the suffering he caused her, and butters her up with declarations of her beauty, intelligence, and understanding, before declaring he's not the monster she believes him to be. Which, it so happens, is what he wishes to discuss. Wasp wonders if he means he wants to discuss her better qualities, or his own status as a monster, and Magneto smiles as he answers: 'Why, both!' Yeagh.
Hundreds of miles away, at the base of the heroes (which is now declared to be the size of Chicago) the storm is also wreaking havoc, flooding the region with whole seas worth of water. Johnny and Ben keep an eye out on the violent weather, noting that it's like a thousand years worth of hurricanes have been unleashed all at once, and even the likes of the Thing would not survive it, even if he still had his powers. Ben declares he'd be fine with some galoshes and a rain hat, but is interrupted when a mountain worth of rock suddenly detaches from a nearby mountain and starts to fall towards the base - it's big enough to flatten a city, there's no chance!
At that moment, though, it's revealed that not everybody is safely holed up inside behind thick metal bulkheads. 'Odd's Blood!' declares Thor, as he stands on the highest peaks of the base with Mjolnir twirling in his hands. Does he really need to shorten the name of his father, which only has four letters to begin with? In any case, he calls upon the strength of the All-Father as he throws his mighty hammer and reduces the enormous mountain to rubble, and it rains down around the base in far less dangerous chunks. As Mjolnir makes its way unerringly back to his hand, the God of Thunder smiles broadly as he exults in the fury of the elements, now amplified by the flush of victory! Awesome!
Inside the base, She-Hulk is moving an enormous piece of equipment past Hawkeye, who's looking at the rain of boulders outside with his trusty bow and arrow at the ready. She-Hulk observes that his archery skills aren't going to be much help against a falling rock the size of Gibraltar, and when Hawkeye tries to impress her with their capabilities, she dryly points out that they're on an alien planet with more weird stuff per square inch than the Sunset Strip, so he'll have to do better than fancy trick arrows. Hawkeye tries to reply sarcastically but loses his train of thought, and admits that he's antsy because he's missing his bride - they only recently got married, and she's back on Earth. He doesn't want to be here - he just wants to get home!
Iron Man and Captain Marvel are checking out the base for damage from the storm, with the former literally roller-skating along the corridors because these are the Eighties. Iron Man observes that the wind is fast enough raindrops would hit like bullets, and the mere sound of thunder could kill a man. How could even someone like Thor survive it? Besides, isn't he supposed to be a thunder god? You know, in charge of the weather? Why doesn't he just stop the storm? Captain Marvel laconically points out that Thor probably likes the storm - if anything, he might be encouraging it! She rushes off and tells slowpoke Iron Man to keep up, but he admits that his roller-skates can't keep up with her flight even at her lowest speed, and it's best they split up and check out different levels.
In the middle of the complex, where we left off last issue, we find the Hulk, Captain America, and Mr. Fantastic conferring over the situation. Hulk notes that the huge device She-Hulk was moving earlier was a particle accelerator, which she moved to the power plant to repair the damage Magneto did to it. He's finishing up his own repairs to the equipment banks in the communications center, which should bring the base back up to full functionality. Reed has been trying to figure out the alien systems, and has kept an eye on Galactus despite the weather, noting that he's kept his vigil atop his mountain despite the weather, oblivious to the storm. Also they're keeping an eye on the villains' headquarter too, which appears to have some sort of aura, which might indicate they're tapping energy from the storm. At any rate, they should be able to anticipate any villainous attacks in the future, since they have clear sight of the entire area around their base.
In fact, Reed muses, they can see everything - except that which he really wants to see, which is his wife and child! Cap remembers that Sue is pregnant, and says that while they'd be in a lot of trouble without Reed by their side to figure things out, he'd give anything to get him to her side. 'Part of me is,' Reed comments distantly. Hulk cuts through the crap and notes that all this maudlin whimpering isn't helping - he too misses his woman, but it just makes him want to crush the bad guys more! Cap says they'll get their chance soon - with five of the villains already captured they hold an edge, so the remainder of the villains are probably going to gamble everything on a desperate all-out assault right after the storm dies down. If the heroes prepare to give it their all, even in this tough situation, their numerical edge should be enough to guarantee victory. Reed acknowledges that, but wonders if everyone's up to the task, and decides to get some rest.
Up in the rafters, Spider-Man watches the depressed Reed leave the command centre, and muses that he can sympathize - just imagining how far he is from Earth sends shivers up his spine. Brrrr! He decides he might as well try to make himself feel at home, since the base seems built for web-swinging with all its pipes, tubes, and doohickeys. He wonders what they're all for - they couldn't be placed there just for him to swing from, could they? Nah… He swing through rooms bigger than the WTC and past giant gizmos that look like cosmic ice-machines, when he stumbles across the private HQ of the missing cast members - the X-Men! How anti-social of them.
Spidey muses that it's still weird to see Professor X without his wheelchair, and decides that whatever they're talking about is their own business, so he should be on his way. Before he can leave, however, the Professor declares: 'We must take matters into our own hands! We do not belong here!' which seems provocative enough that he listens in. Rogue agrees, explaining that she once tussled with the Avengers, and they don't like her much - and they're quite suspicious what she's doing here with the X-Men. Wolverine threatens to slice anyone who gives her a hard time, and the Professor cautions against causing any incidents before they leave. Colossus wonders if it always has to be this way - normal people hating mutants? Storm says they'll accept no oppression, and Professor X declares the discussion is over - they're going now, to join Magneto! Right then, however, the bald telepath senses an eavesdropper - Spider-Man!
Spidey jumps into the room right then, noting that he heard what they were saying, none too happy with it, and fully intends to rat them out to the rest of the heroes. He smacks the Professor and Cyclops aside with his first attack, and evades Wolverine's attack by webbing Colossus in the face and using him as a counterweight. Wolverine tells the 'webbed idiot' to calm down and listen to their explanation, but Spidey heard more than enough already. Spidey webs up Rogue, who can't seem to break through the strands despite her strength, and avoids Storm by exploiting her limited movement in a confined space.
Nightcrawler tries to match Spidey in speed and agility, but he can't manage it, getting caught in webs for his trouble. 'Not on the best day of your life, Nightcrawler!' Wolverine tries to jump on Spider-Man's back again, but the web-crawler feels it coming from a mile away and swats him away with a casual flick of his hand. Nightcrawler is staggered by Spider-Man's demonstration of strength, speed and skill, declaring him to be awesome.
Taking advantage of the well-clobbered opposition Spidey makes a getaway, even as the X-Men admit that they're lucky he wasn't actually trying to hurt anyone. He made them look like fools - amateurs! 'It's not what you think!' Cyclops declares even as he tries to blast the hero with his eye-beams, and Spider-Man naturally doesn't buy it.
Seconds later Spidey makes his way to Reed Richards, who is still depression-walking around the place. He quickly lands and goes to explain what happened as Cyclops approaches in the background and - can't. He's forgotten. What's going on, why did he have to get to Reed so quickly? Holding his head for a moment, he decides it couldn't have been that important, and swings away. Cyclops approaches and pretends not to know what's going on, and shares a confused glance with Reed. Elsewhere, a smug Professor X declares that he despises his ability to forcibly reprogram minds with his abilities, but there is too much at stake to falter now! And there is no escape from his power! This guy is supposed to be a hero?
Reed Richards opines that the pressure must be getting to Spider-Man a little, since it's not normal for him to crack like that. Considering what they're facing, though, it's understandable. Cyclops notes that the toughest thing for him is knowing his wife can't be sure he's even alive, and Spider-Man could be dealing with a similar situation - they know so little about him, after all! Reed opines they might never know. Professor X suddenly sends a telepathic command to Cyclops for him to return, and he's a little miffed about it - there was no need to fry his brain like that just to call him over! (Yeah, it should be saved for mindraping your allies, clearly.)
Cyclops decides that ever since he got his legs back, the Professor has been acting more like he did back in the early days - firm, authoritative, decisive. He worries that if they get into a battle, his lack of experience in front-line combat might lead to disaster. Back with the X-Men, Professor X explains that he's discovered a flying vehicle that was constructed by telepaths - and as such it will respond to his power, allowing him to control it. Despite the storm, they'll leave at once for Magneto's fortress!
At that moment, at the lair of Magneto, we find the mutant villain in a video-phone conversation with Doctor Doom. Doom, it seems, called up Magneto to discuss a potential alliance, but the mutant isn't interested in such a thing. Doom accepts getting turned down, but notes that this is an irrevocable decision - if Magneto does not serve Doom, he will be treated as an enemy. 'I choose to make my own way,' Magneto agrees, and Doom declares that he will regret that decision, before terminating the call.
Magneto makes his way back to the main hall, where the Wasp is still hanging out, wondering why he stepped out in the first place. Wasp admits she's glad he returned - it's eerie being alone in this huge place while the storms are raging outside. Magneto figures it's encouraging that she missed him, and Wasp warns him not to be too encouraged, even calling him by name - Magnus. 'Why not?' Magneto wonders, noting they have come to the beginnings of an understanding. 'The beginnings, maybe.' Magneto claims that they agree that when their eyes meet there's something electric there, and Wasp says she doesn't remember agreeing to that.
What follows is... quite unambiguously sexual assault, as Magneto forcibly kisses Wasp on the mouth as she pushes him away, declaring 'No! No! No!' repeatedly even as he declares that they should not deny their desires. Then, quite spontaneously, the Wasp seems to change her mind and kisses back, declaring Magneto has the iciest blue eyes, and the 'eyes' have it. Um, I'm going to hold out hope that this is a double-cross on her behalf, because holy shit, Magneto. What the hell is going through your head?
Meanwhile, at Doombase - so named by its absolute master - Doom strides through its inner chambers, off-limits to all but himself and the subjects of his machinations. He approaches some alien equipment that he's jury-rigged together using his genius, and muses that Magneto's foolish refusal to pledge himself to Doom's service is disappointing, but not surprising. With powers like his at Doom's command, victory would have come swiftly - lacking it, he'll have to take other steps to strengthen his forces. As he says this, he moves past two tubes that contain a pair of women - one blonde and thin, the other dark-haired and… well-endowed. Seriously, wowzers.
Doom moves over to some nearby levers and explains that he's combined the alien technologies he found here, easily harnessed to serve his purpose, and tapped energy from the raging storm to power them. He's also scrounged up two mortal subjects from somewhere who dare to gamble for power, knowing that to lose is death, as he is about to test the limit of human endurance. He throws the switch, and declares that the women that power must be seized, craved, welcomed! Drink it in despite the pain, or it will destroy them! The two women are engulfed in eldritch energies and consumed by Kirby Krackle.
Moments later, the two figures descend from the alien machine, each of them having survived their ordeal. The first burns like lava, her very skin and hair incandescent, and admits that she can't explain how strange it feels - but she's a bit worried she might not be able to turn back to her human form. The other woman, who's grown a foot-and-a-half in the process, declares she doesn't ever want to turn back - she feels strong, like she's wished to be all her life! She wonders where the costume she designed is - she can't wait to put it on! Besides, isn't it time she ditches her old name, 'Skeeter' MacPherran, and take on something more flashy like the others that serve Doom?
Doom tells her that it can wait, and explains to the other woman, Marsha Rosenberg, that her mutation is reversible - otherwise she wouldn't be able to eat or sleep, which would give her a rather short shelf-life. In this form, he explains, she's composed of ionized plasma like the core of a star, and can radiate heat from her skin at will. Marsha agrees that she can feel those millions of degrees within her, and she can control it! As she tries blasting things with fiery beams of heat, she wonders how she could still be alive with this molten, seething liquid within her like - like a volcano. She decides right then that she's found her 'trade name', like Skeeter wants - she will be Volcana!
'Titania!' the other woman announces, likening her super-strong form to a Titan. The costume she designed is edgy, with an enormous boob-window, bare thighs, enormous floppy boots, and spikes spread all over. She heads over to the molten scraps that Volcana left behind and easily lifts them without effort, declaring nothing can hurt her. Doom cautions her that she can still be harmed - just not easily. Annoyed that the huge chunk of debris is too light to challenge her, she tosses it through a window into the storm outside and demands something to truly test her strength. Doom agrees, noting she'll soon be tested… in combat!
Doom leads the two women back to the rest of his villainous subjects, who are a bit confused where on earth Doom got new recruits from when they were pretty sure they and the heroes were the only people on this entire rock. Absorbing Man opines that he 'wouldn't put it past Doomsie to build broads from scratch.' Doom commands Doc Ock and Ultron to prepare assault vehicles, saying the storm will break by dawn, which is when they'll strike!
Titania makes her way to Absorbing Man, figuring he's the toughest man around, and demands he get up. Absorbing Man doesn't seem too interested, and asks what she wants. Titania announces she's going to do everything she ever wanted to do to people bigger and stronger than her - she's got a lot of pent-up anger issues. Maybe she'll just play with him, or make him eat dirt... Absorbing Man just tells her to calm down and if she's got something to prove, she can prove it against their enemies in the morning. 'You're backing down?' Titania demands. 'Nope, I just ain't gettin' up,' he responds. 'I got nothin' to prove… to a dame!' Alas, last-second sexism, and you were doing so well! As if the underline the point, the Wrecker makes a kissy face and offers to 'lip-rassle' while Absorbing Man laughs.
Nearby, Molecule Man admits that he can't stand all this violence, and Volcana is a bit surprised that the infamous Molecule Man is so different from what she'd imagined. 'Yeah, shorter right?' he responds cluelessly. Volcana says he comes across as more sensitive than his reputation, and finally figures out how to revert to human form. Molecule Man wonders about the 'sensitivity' comment, noting that his therapist agrees - he's been seeing one ever since the Avengers talked him out of destroying the Earth, you know!
He looks out into the storm, and notes that it's just molecules in motion - he could disperse the storm if he wanted to. His therapist has told him he should let things take their natural course, though, so he won't - unless Doom asks him to, of course. Now Doom, Molecule Man exclaims, he's impressive! He always knows what to do! Volcana readily agrees, saying the man has remarkable charisma. Molecule Man admits that his therapist probably wouldn't approve of Doom or this war, but that he can't help but believe in Doom - and if he wants to win this war, then Owen Reece is going to help! Even if it means ripping Battleworld apart!
Back at the base of the heroes, we witness Thor stride through the complex's prison and past the suspended forms of Kang and the Wrecking Crew, before making his way over to the Enchantress. She's still in a regeneration capsule after getting clobbered by She-Hulk, but Thor wakes her up from her slumber. Amora's first concern is her face: did she end up scarred at the hands of that green-skinned wench? After the confirms her continued beauty, she wonders why Thor is here - did his mortals abandon him? Thor denies this, but points out they are mortals - and their concerns and those of the gods are rather different. They two are the only immortals on this world, and they must speak. Amora agrees, but refuses to talk in the dungeons - she's spent enough time here already. Thor warns her she's still a prisoner, and she just answers 'perhaps' while she opens up a portal.
Some time later, we catch up with the Hulk, who wakes up from sleep to find that he keeps losing his train of thought - ideas and answers used to come so easily, but now he just gets headaches. Has he just hit a dry spell? He's so disoriented - but of course, he has been dragged into the craziest situation imaginable by a being beyond comprehension, so that probably messed with everyone's mind. That must be it. Cap wakes up next to him and bolts upright, realizing that the sun has risen - it's dawn, and the storm is gone! Why didn't Hulk wake him up? This is when the villains are most likely to attack! Sound the alarm! Hulk rushes off, internally grouching that he'll rip the star-studded tyrant in half for raising his voice - a thought that doesn't really make much sense for Bruce Banner, now does it?
Outside, the villains arrive at the enormous base of the heroes in an aircraft, wondering why they're not seeing anyone yet - could they have caught the heroes unaware? Doom expected more from Captain America and Reed Richards than this! Prepare for ramming speed! The huge aircraft smashes into the heroic base without slowing down, and soon the villains disembark from their ride as they each head off to fulfill their tasks. The Wrecker is given the primary objective: free the prisoners. All the rest are to attack strike at will, wreaking havoc and slaying who they can while they divert attention. Molecule Man wonders what role he will play, and Doom tells him his is the most important task of all - to stay at his side, vigilant! Owen Reece happily agrees, even saluting Doom for the privilege.
Seconds later, in the quarters of the Fantastic Four, the three realize they're under attack by villains - but with Ben still in human form, only two of them could actually be of help. Reed and Johnny intend to find Cap and coordinate with him, but they're rudely interrupted by Titania, who kicks an enormous wall down and flattens the three against a wall.
She actually manages to break Johnny's arm and several of his ribs, and knocks the other two unconscious. A wall of fire briefly holds off the supervillainess, but she's not giving up. As she finds her way through, however, she discovers that Johnny used his powers to burn a hole through the floor, and he's fled the scene with his teammates. Smart!
Elsewhere, She-Hulk is lugging around another big piece of equipment and wonders what all the noise she's hearing is about. She's suddenly blindsided by Volcana, however, who unleashes her fiery beams of plasma and one-shots the green behemoth, knocking her unconscious and then burying her under tons of heavy debris that comes raining down from a molten ceiling. Ouch.
Captain Marvel is having a bath, musing that she thought the storm was finally over, but she's still hearing the crack of thunder. Maybe it's the Hulk belching? She puts on her costume and is about to check out what's going on when she's attacked from behind by Doctor Octopus, who knocks her unconscious instantly with a one-two punch of his tentacles. Wham! She rolled with the punch so she avoided getting her skull pulverized, and Doc Ock is about to follow up when Hawkeye intervenes. The Doctor is well aware he's not great against foes with long-range firepower and uses a chunk of debris to shield himself from attacks while he retreats, leaving this threat for someone else to deal with.
Nearby, Spider-Man swings in on Iron Man as he's putting on his armor, and warns that there's danger coming. He's a bit late with that, as the room suddenly explodes around them - they've been found by Ultron! Iron Man manages to survive the blast, but Spider-Man is buried in the rubble, out for the count. At least for the moment, though, Ultron seems to have lost sight of them. The Hulk, meanwhile, is mad at himself for being a shitty alarm clock and decides he'll set things right by going straight to the source - Doctor Doom! Molecule Man decides this is his moment, smacking the Hulk back with huge boulders that are still laying around from the previous night's storm. Cap declares they have to fall back, gather up the others, and find a defensible position, and Hulk reluctantly agrees.
Moments later, Wrecker returns from his mission, having successfully released Kang and the Wrecking Crew from captivity, although the Enchantress was mysteriously missing. Molecule Man proudly announces he drove off the Hulk, and then notes that all the other villains are making their way back too - they didn't have any casualties in this raid! Doom points out they also had fewer kills than he would have liked, but at least they accomplished what they set out to do. To finish it, then, it's time to level the heroes' base until no stone remains on stone…
To be continued...
Rating & Comments
After last issue's relative dearth of development, this issue proved to be a lot more impactful - but it doesn't exactly make the heroes look any better. In fact, on the whole this issue is the worst yet for them!
First, let's start with the non-mutant heroes, who spend the entire issue moping and feeling sorry for themselves, or alternately declaring that they have fantastic surveillance equipment, and know exactly what the villains are going to do. Then, despite the fact that they have a fully equipped and gargantuan base full of advanced technology, they refrain from setting a basic alarm to wake them up in the morning. It's even worse, actually - half the cast are awake already and going about their day, apparently oblivious to the oncoming villain attack!
That doesn't really make sense to me, since Cap figured out what was going to happen the evening before. The only thing I can assume here is that he just never told anyone, and relied entirely on Hulk to wake him up in time so he could fill everyone in before breakfast. What the hell, hero? That is some epic incompetence on display, and I'm really wondering why Wasp ever gave up that leadership position. Cap's an idiot! Also, most of the heroes got one-shotted again by random villains - even newbie villains Volcana and Titania manage it! Much like in last issue, it seems all you really need to take down heroes is the element of surprise.
Well, I say that, but the Wasp herself is in a bit of a pickle - it's hard to judge from just this issue exactly what's going on in her storyline, but I am none too fond of storylines revolving around sexual assault, and at the very least Magneto is coercing Wasp into kissing him. She's not exactly showing much enthusiasm at the prospect and only the very last panel could be construed as her accepting the situation, though, so I'm holding out hope that next issue will reveal she shanked him while he's distracted by the kissing! I'm not sure if this confirms that Magneto's aim was to kidnap Wasp last issue, but if it was… did he really abduct a woman so he could force himself on her? Um. Yikes.
Not all the heroes were total shit-shows in this issue - Thor was great, for example. He got two scenes in this, and both were excellent, with the first really playing into his identity as a God of Thunder. The panel showing his grin is great, and his awesome feat of strength in destroying an entire mountain with a single swing of Mjolnir is thoroughly badass. His later conversation with the Enchantress, which again plays up his identity as a god, also suggests he's much more than the lunkhead he's often portrayed as, and I'm curious to see where that goes. It's slightly weird that he didn't actually inform his fellow heroes of his plans, or that he was leaving, but still...
The best hero in this issue, by a country mile, is Spider-Man. The worst, as demonstrated in the exact same scenes, are the X-Men. It's pretty conclusively shown in this issue that the mutant team consists of a bunch of backstabbing assholes. Sure, the Avengers weren't too kind in the first issue about Magneto, but they never mentioned Rogue at all, and they haven't said an unkind word about mutants since. And yet, Spider-Man discovers them plotting to abandon the rest of the heroes to side with the villain who just abducted one of their colleagues! Their justification is poor, citing humans always oppressing them as a reason for leaving. Like, jeez, maybe there's a reason people don't trust you, if you pull shit like this?
What follows is a great action scene in which Spider-Man showcases just why he's a top-tier hero that should not be underestimated, completely humiliating the full line-up of the X-Men by his lonesome, playing physical powerhouses like Wolverine and Colossus for fools while also avoiding the more agile members like Nightcrawler without much issue. Indeed, the only reason he didn't come out the complete victor in this fight is because of Professor X, who goes the extra mile into assholery and heads straight for mind rape.
Like, seriously, Professor X is the biggest asshole in the book. He reprograms the mind of an ally so he forgets the entire encounter, smiling smugly at this violation while talking out of the other side of his mouth about how he wouldn't resort to such low tactics. Like, dude, you're doing it. You could have just announced you were leaving to the heroes, and they probably would have just let you. The only reason Spider-Man discovering you was bad news is because you were trying to be sneaky about it. Which implies you know it's a shitty thing to do! If they knew about Wasp it's probably even worse, but I assume the X-Men have been antisocial enough they never did learn about Magneto's attack at all.
The villains, meanwhile, once again steal the show. In this case, the primary ones to impress are the new hires, Volcana and Titania, who are empowered by Doom in a manner reminiscent to Fantastic Four v1 #23, when he did the same for a trio of thugs. This time the results are rather more impressive, and both characters would persist beyond Secret Wars, with Titania in particular receiving quite a bit of development as a She-Hulk antagonist and powerhouse. It should be noted that the villainous side was a bit of a sausage-fest thus far, and with Amora's departure it got even worse, so it's nice to see some female representation on their side. It helps that both of these are physically imposing characters who slug it out, which is a relative rarity in this time period. I'm told that Volcana is supposed to be a heavy-set woman, too, which is even more rare - but the art really doesn't bear this out, unless by 'heavy-set' they just mean having huge… assets.
The rest of the villains are well-served as well, with Absorbing Man dipping a little into sexism but otherwise coming across as marginally more intelligent than usual in his conversation with Titania. Knowing the two would eventually get into a relationship together, it's hard not to consider the possibility that it was planned from the start! Molecule Man is a bit dopey but showcases his loyalty and power, and the same goes for Ultron, which should be concerning to the heroes. Nothing scarier than Doom with a bunch of loyal powerhouses by his side!
Doom himself once more comes off as the most competent of the villainous roster, by engineering a completely successful surprise attack on the heroes - if one that's helped along by their incompetence. More importantly, Doom attempts unsuccessfully to make an alliance with Magneto, and when that fails, he turns to a rather impressive backup plan. Only Doom could make a pair of extremely powerful metahumans with customized powers using alien technology in at most a day - never mind somehow finding willing volunteers on an alien planet! The comic itself brings up the question of where Doom got them from, so I suspect we'll get our answer in due time. I guess this planet isn't quite as empty as it's been made out to be…
Although the Wasp thing does detract from this issue - especially if it doesn't turn out to be a trick on her part - the rest of it more than makes up for that flaw, especially since I'm favoring the villains up to this point. How could I not, as a Doctor Doom biographer? Spider-Man has a strong showing, as do the villains, and we get to see internal strife tear apart the ostensibly safest bet in this war, which leaves the field wide open again. With the villains once more dominant, I'm guessing we'll soon see a shift back in the other direction. This issue is up there with the first - so another four stars from me! Sorry, heroes!
Best Panel(s) of the Issue
This one's pretty easy - that panel of a smiling Thor enjoying the raging storm is great, and a far cry in art quality from a lot of the series thus far! I'm baffled as to the variation in quality on display here, which really suggests that this is a rush job, rather than just a less than great artist.
Most Gloriously Villainous Doom Quotes
"All is ready! This alien technology, so rich, so subtle… so easily harnessed to serve my purpose… Energy, tapped from the raging tempest… And two mortal subjects who dare to gamble for power - knowing that to lose is death, for truly here I shall test the limits of power a human body can contain! With a throwing of the switch, so - the die is cast! Hear me! Power must be seized! Crave it! Welcome it! Drink it in, despite the pain… or it will destroy you."
"I see no signs of a sortie coming out to blunt our attack! Can it be we've caught them unawares? Bah! I'd thought better of Captain America and Reed Richards than that! They are fools, indeed! Prepare to ram!"
Absorbin' Man Is Priceless
"I wouldn't put it past Doomsie to build broads from scratch!"
Titania: "You're backing down?"
Creel: "Nope! I just ain't gettin' up! I got nothin' to prove… to a dame!"
Doom's Bad Hair Day
Beyond the usual low-quality of the art in these issues, a persistent quirk of Doom's depictions are him sporting a blank white skull-like mask - it's most noticeable whenever he's shown in miniature, but occasionally parts of his mask will be entirely white on closeups too. It doesn't really look like shading - it just looks off. It's bizarre that the quality in art varies so much across panels in this.
Doom-Tech of the Week
Well, can't argue that a Super-Empowering Machine doesn't more than qualify. That's just impressive! I assume that the Beyonder set up the storm specifically for the purposes of Doom empowering some minions, though - it seems a bit convenient otherwise.
Some Out of Universe context on this Wasp and Megneto business
The Story goes that Claremont told Shooter that he was preparing a Heel-Face turn for Magneto. Shooter assumed that he meant for Magneto to join the Avengers because of his connections to Wanda and Pietro, so he added the Wasp stuff to give him another connection there
091: Marvel Super Heroes - Secret Wars #4 (August 1984)
Cover
See, that's what we're talking about - an iconic cover that's worthy of the name! Here we see the Hulk pulling off one of his more impressive feats short of breaking a planet, namely lifting 150 billion tons on his back and protecting most of the rest of the heroic cast from imminent death. I quite like how relatively tiny the characters are in this, really emphasizing how massive the mass above them is - 150 billion tons is no joke! I am also amused by the understatement of summarizing the Hulk's mood as merely 'not happy.' Hah!
Story Overview
Situation: Hopeless!
We open the issue with the supervillains gathered on a cliff near the heroes' base, where Molecule Man uses his incredible power to destroy it in a single titanic blast, reducing the city-sized construct to ash. Soon after the villains explore the ruins, trying to find the remains of their enemies, but they're coming up short. Somehow the white-hats have slipped through their fingers! Doom isn't bothered, figuring with their fortress destroyed, it'll be a simple matter of hunting them down like dogs.
Volcana approaches Molecule Man, admitting she was extremely impressed by his feat of obliterating a huge base with only a wave of his hand, who answers that she can call him Owen, and that it was a simple matter for someone who controls all molecules! Volcana comments that Owen is a darling name, clearly taken by him. Doc Ock puts on some alien goggles that detect movement, and soon discovers the retreating forms of the heroes, bedraggled and beaten, as they make their way out into the wilds some five miles away. Out of range of hand weapons, he reckons, but they might be able to scrounge up some heavy cannons to bombard them.
Titania declares she has no need for such weapons except what's right at hand, and effortlessly lifts an enormous building over her head - a huge chunk of the destroyed base, bent and shattered, but still intact. With a mighty heave she tosses the object into the sky! The Wrecking Crew decide they can't be left behind and follow her example - just with, you know, smaller debris. Absorbing Man figures throwing rocks is stupid, and they should just rush in to finish off whoever Titania misses, and Doc Ock concurs. 'That really won't be necessary,' Molecule Man says, glancing back at Volcana for a moment. He's sure he can take care of them - just watch! He raises his arms and points at some mountains in the distance. How about he drop one those on them?
Meanwhile, Cap tries to make up for last issue's mistakes by getting a headcount, concluding that the only people they're missing are Thor and the X-Men, who vanished before the battle. 'Deserted, more like,' the Hulk opines. Cap says that's a subject to discuss later - for the moment they just have to hope Doctor Doom and the other villains are too busy celebrating to chase them down. Spider-Man suddenly wakes up from unconsciousness due to his danger sense, and warns Hulk of a threat from above. Hulk shouts a warning at Cap as the huge building that Titania threw comes careening towards them - he's got his arms full of unconscious heroes, and can't knock it away in time! Hawkeye steps up, firing one of his explosive arrows at the chunk of debris - it's not powerful enough to actually destroy the entirety of it, of course, but if he hits just the right spot, it might be enough to split it.
Iron Man, still awkwardly carrying a KO'ed Captain Marvel, uses his repulsor beams to fire at the descending mass as well, blasting the two chunks sideways away from the rest of the heroes. With the fragments narrowly deflected, the heroes breathe a sigh of relief. Cap tells everyone to keep moving before… He stops in his tracks, gazing into the sky in sheer horror. In utter disbelief.
Hovering above them is not just any rock, or even just a mountain. An entire mountain range that would dwarf the Andes looms above them, suspended in the air by the Molecule Man's incredible power. For a second it hangs there, and then it falls. The villains celebrate as the enormous mass comes down, congratulating Owen, who takes in the praise happily - especially when it comes from Volcana. Doc Ock is convinced that must've been enough to kill the heroes, while Doctor Doom watches on stoically, his arms crossed. 'Perhaps,' he says.
Meanwhile, half a world away, Thor and the Enchantress share a moment in a field of giant alien cartoon mushrooms. Thor asks Amora what a goddess like she would wish for from an all-powerful being like the Beyonder, and she answers that she'd ask for Thor's love, of course - for she will stop at nothing to satisfy her selfish desires, and she's often tried to take it by deceit or force. Love, Thor declares, is not an object to be seized or stolen - it can only be given! Amora accepts this definition, but declares that immortals like them often set themselves foolish and impossible quests, either to prevent themselves from going mad - or because they already are. She asks Thor if he might ever love her, and Thor admits he doesn't know. She's beautiful on the outside, sure, but true beauty is a thing of the spirit - so why doesn't she seek to overcome her weaknesses? To overcome her petty greed and lust? She promises to try - but only if he kisses her first!
Their intimate moment is interrupted by a sudden earthquake, but one that's only momentary and quick to pass - utterly unnatural. It was a shock-wave, the Enchantress decides, from a cataclysmic blow that reverberated around the entire planet.
Thor decides that he must return to his friends immediately to see if they're alright, and Amora agrees to accompany him, opening a portal. The two appear in the midst of the ruined heroic base, where the villains are still congregated, and Thor is appalled to see their fortress laid to waste. Titania immediately wants to challenge Thor, naturally, but the Asgardian demands answers from Doctor Doom - where are his allies? What has he done with them?
Doom answers simply: 'Why, they are dead…' He explains that the villains threw a mountain range on top of the heroes to be rid of them. Simple, effective. He then announces that Thor is now hopelessly outnumbered, and if he submits he will be granted a merciful death. Thor wonders if Doom is mad - does he really believe the god would let any odds stop him from fighting to his last breath? Doom admits he really doesn't, but common courtesy demands he should make the offer. Thirteen against one, after all, are steep odds. Thor glumly looks at the Enchantress, who turns away from him, and accepts that she's not on his side in this. 'So be it.'
'Enough talk! Let's ace the sucker!' Absorbing Man announces as he throws himself into combat, and the rest of the villains quickly join in. Thor deflects Kang's laser-shots with Mjolnir, then bounces it off Ultron just in time for Titania to grapple him. She tells him he shouldn't have thrown away his weapon, since now he's harmless before her - the woman who will kill Thor with her bare hands! He is not impressed, and gives a uniquely Norse-flavored version of 'when hell freezes over' before tossing her into the distance as Mjolnir flies back to his hand. Doc Ock's tentacles loop around Thor's neck while Absorbing Man absorbs the properties of the destroyed base's metal, ready to bash the hero's head in.
Using Mjolnir once more, Thor manages to deflect the Absorbing Man's blow, and the Wrecking Crew's mere human strength can't match his sheer prowess, and they get dragged around even as they try to keep him in one place. Thor smashes the floor to bits to throw them all off their feet, then follows it up by summoning lightning from the sky, which grounds itself in everything that's nearby. Doctor Doom looks on with his arms still folded, relying on his force fields to divert the charge. He then announces that when he rebuilt Ultron, he added a new weapon - one that cancels the forces bonding subatomic particles together. A disintegrator. And only under combat conditions can one truly test new weaponry! Ultron unleashes the new, devastating weapon, and in a poof of pink energy, a huge chunk of ruined city vanishes - and then Thor himself, with only his winged helmet falling to the floor like it's a cartoon.
Doom figures that could be considered a successful test, even as the Enchantress looks on in dismay. Doc Ock goes to look at the crater left behind where Thor was, and finds only his helmet and scraps of his cape - nothing else! They've won! Doom observes that the X-Men are still unaccounted for, as is Magneto, and Galactus also remains a possible problem to be dealt with. They'll return to Doombase and plan their next strike - but not before dealing with one outstanding issue. After all, one of their number tried to kill him back in Secret Wars #1!
Doom turns to face Kang, who exclaims that he can explain, that there were circumstances… Doom doesn't care, and orders Ultron to slay Kang. The future tyrant tells the monarch to listen, exclaiming that he'll need Kang later - but it's too late. In a puff of disintegrating pink light, Kang is promptly reduced to nothing.
Doom looks at the other villains and dryly notes that the lesson should be clear to all of them. To Doombase! As the villains depart, we see a suspiciously Thor-like arm peeking out from behind a nearby chunk of debris…
Hundreds of miles away, a strange aircraft soars over the alien landscape, with the X-Men aboard. Professor X is controlling it, and he compliments Storm on her excellent assistance in navigating the previous night's storms - she could not stop it entirely, but she could still weaken the winds around the craft, making the ride a little less bumpy. Colossus, now in human form, is lost in thought as he thinks of Kitty Pryde, and how much he misses her. Nearby, Rogue muses that until a short while ago, she would have been on Doctor Doom's side - and if things were to go sideways, she wonders if she'd stick with the X-Men. In her nervousness, she squashes her armrest with her super-strength.
Nearby, Wolverine keeps popping his claws in and out, and Nightcrawler wonders if he's actually looking forward to the inevitable battles they'll have to fight. Wolverine explains that he goes through life holding back - keeping the animal in check. But this is war - maybe the last war - for all the marbles in the universe. So this time he isn't taking prisoners - no matter what the Professor thinks!
If Xavier overhears all this mutinous stuff, he doesn't show it - he's caught up in his own thoughts, pondering an incident that happened only hours ago, an encounter with Spider-Man that's left him deeply troubled. The plane soon arrives at Magneto's base, and Cyclops admits he's not sure if he's relieved or worried that they're here. On the one hand, Magneto's power could be a deciding factor in the war - on the other hand, if he's not in a mood to make alliances, they could be in for the fight of their lives!
Inside, Magneto concentrates his powers, fusing metal atoms together by pulling them out of the air and combining them into a new form, sweating from the exertion until - he makes a hair comb. What? Magneto offers the freshly created comb to Wasp, who exclaims that you never know what you take for granted until the store's a billion miles away. And why does this place not have plumbing? Who would build a place without powder rooms? Magneto figures they were at least humanoid, judging by the furnishings, and ate delicious fruit nectars, which he offers her. The X-Men show up right then, with Wolverine wondering if he's got cold beer on tap.
Professor X greets Magneto, explaining that he's come to discuss joining forces, as he believes it mutually advantageous to forget their differences and work together. As a force independent of that under Captain America, he reasons, there's much good they can do. Magneto agrees, noting that he's got the Wasp - leader of the Avengers - here to discuss exactly that! 'Slay your enemies, and all you desire shall be yours,' he quotes the Beyonder, noting that unlike the Avengers, they shouldn't take a defensive role - they should be aggressive, and destroy Doctor Doom and his allies utterly! And if the heroes don't agree - slay them as well! Don't they see? If Doom triumphs, he would have the Beyonder fulfill his selfish desires, but if they win… they could create a golden age on Earth and throughout the universe! An age in which man and mutant live together in peace! They must fight to the death, and Wasp agrees!
The Wasp smiles, pinching Magneto's cheek. She calls him a pompous, overbearing jerk - if a cute one. She wonders if he really thought she'd ever consider going along with his sick plans. She's been playing along with him, to find out what exactly he's up to, and now that she's found out he really is the sort of evil scum that'd rank right up there with Hitler, she's going to stop him! Magneto is appalled at the comparison, and strikes at her, but she turns tiny and blasts him with her bio-electric sting. He's a great kisser, Wasp acknowledges, but like so many men he presumes that the moment he romances a woman, her mind turns to mush and he owns her. Wrong.
The X-Men rush in to protect Magneto, reasoning that they might need Magneto and he'll be useless if Wasp injures him. She responds by noting that if they're with him, she'll class them as 'not very nice!' Jim Shooter, your dialogue sucks balls sometimes. She launches herself at the X-Men, bowling over Wolverine by landing on his face, then blasting the others with her stings, dialing them down low enough that they're stunned rather than splattered. She takes advantage of the surprise to try and find a way out of there, figuring sooner or later one of them is going to get a lucky hit in. She has to warn Cap and the others what rats the X-Men are, and that earthquake from earlier has her worried too… She flies off through the base, hijacking a nearby aircraft to get away.
The X-Men pick themselves off the floor, grouching that first they got made fools off by Spider-Man, and now they got caught flat-footed by the Wasp, too! Wolverine is pissed, quite done with getting put down on his butt because of slow teamwork.
Magneto decides he won't let her get far, and uses his magnetic powers to try and take down her aircraft as it flies off. It's moving erratically, and Magneto declares that evasive action won't be enough to save her! Inside the cockpit of the craft, it's revealed that it's not so much evasive action as Wasp not knowing how the hell the aircraft is supposed to work, wondering if you need six arms to control it. (You probably do.)
Her craft jostles up and down as she makes her way across the tentacle-covered terrain, and Wasp admits she'd get out and walk - if only she knew how to stop! Meanwhile Professor X and Magneto get into an argument when the former announces he can't allow Magneto to take down the Wasp. 'Allow me? You presume much.' he answers. Professor X explains that he could have stopped the Wasp with a mere mental command, but he didn't. That's because a few hours earlier, he succumbed to temptation and psionically influenced Spider-Man, thereby committing a crime. It's an act he regrets, as in that moment he was no better than Doom, Hitler (twice in one issue, huh?), or anyone else who uses power to usurp another's freedom. If they are to be allies, he declares, they must agree that whatever noble ends they seek, they do not justify evil means!
Far below a newly-planted mountain range, while the dust still settles from its cataclysmic impact, beneath billions of tons of stone - someone asks for a little light. Captain Marvel complies, and revealed are all the heroes gathered together inside a pocket of air - with the Hulk bracing more than two miles of rock on his broad back. Iron Man is incredulous, wondering how even he could hold up that much. The Hulk says he's got leverage, but he doesn't know if he can maintain this for long - seconds? A minute, maybe? Hawkeye worries that they couldn't dig their way out in a month, and they're as good as dead. Cap denies this, deciding that as long as they're alive, there's a way. He moves to revive Reed, who's still unconscious from the earlier battle, and the poor man receives quite a distressing info-dump as he wakes up.
The heroes reason that there's not enough air to let the Human Torch flame on, and probably not enough for him to blast a way out anyway. No one else has enough strength to cut or dig their way out, save perhaps the Hulk - but he's holding up the mountain, and it'd squash them if he moved. Reed takes a moment to think, then asks to look over Iron Man's armor, noting that if it works like he thinks it does, he might have an idea. He asks for any tools the hero might have with him, and Hawkeye's trick-arrows with electronic components, and even Spider-Man's web-shooters - even they have circuitry in them, after all! Spidey is hesitant, but since air's running out and Hulk's getting tired, why not.
The others offer to help, but Reed admits they can't - they just have to trust him to get it right. He tells Iron Man that his armor is more technologically advanced than he's ever dreamed, and that it's a cinch to work with. He knew Tony Stark was brilliant, but he's still blown away by the genius on display. The Hulk pipes up to declare that he's tired of hearing how smart Reed is, or how smart Tony Stark is - the brute who's holding up the mountain is fed up with that garbage! Reed declares that's exactly the kind of self-pitying mewling he expects from the Hulk - or Doctor Banner, or whoever he is. But he's correct - he's a brute, and that's all he's good for! Hulk rages, calling Reed an arrogant clown, and decides that Reed is aware Hulk is losing his intelligence, going back to the way he used to be. In fact, he already thinks the Hulk is a dumb ox again! He'd better hope his stupid plan fails, because if they get out of here, he's going to tear Reed apart!
Reed calls on Johnny and Captain Marvel to help him, telling them that he's adapted Iron Man's input circuits to channel their energy directly into his power bank via some jury-rigged transfer cables. He tells Johnny to channel his maximum-strength Nova flames through his hand into the cable, while Captain Marvels outputs the full spectrum of electromagnetic radiation through her own. Iron Man starts glowing, and declares 'I can feel their power pourin' in, addin' to mine! It's un-stickin'-believable!' which is just painful to read. Reed notes he hears a distant tapping noise in one direction, and tells Iron Man to fire his repulsors at full force that-a-way. With an enormous blast of energy, the entire flank of the mountain range explodes like Mount St. Helens, carving out an enormous gulch through which the heroes can escape.
Reed immediately moves to the Hulk to explain why he was being a massive asshole earlier, but the Hulk's already figured it out - the madder he gets, the stronger he gets, so Reed was ensuring he'd be able to keep the mountain up. The heroes are greeted by a relieved Thor, who survived his own fight and was trying to dig them out. He's a bit put out when Cap notes that his mightiest blows with Mjolnir only reached them as a tapping noise - they were buried quite deep! Thor explains he found out about their plight in a fight with Doom's forces, and used a flash of lightning to cover up his escape so he could help them, though that turned out to be unnecessary in the end. Cap notes they thought he might have been kidnapped by the Enchantress, and Thor awkwardly says he'll explain later.
Cap turns to Captain Marvel, but she's already aware of what they need - a new base. Food, shelter, medical supplies - the works. She heads off at speed, passing by their old base and wondering whose it was originally, before the Beyonder took it for his own. She passes by alien landscapes and even Galactus, still perched on his mountaintop, before spotting an inhabited village - it seems the Beyonder took noncombatants too in his creation of Battleworld, not just empty wilderness. Captain Marvel says it figures the Beyonder spared no expense - and what's a war without innocent victims? Passing over more bizarre places she buzzes by Doom's base, leaving before she can be detected, and decides she's only spotted one viable location so far - that village. It just has one tiny little problem…
The heroes are appalled to realize that the village Captain Marvel found is right beneath Galactus, who dominates the skyline. She says it's the best she could do for the moment, and they'll have to deal with it. The nearby people are purple-robed and cat-eyed aliens that speak a gibberish language, and they seem quite afraid - though one woman appears to be arguing on their behalf, especially when she spots the wounded among their number. They're led into the village, and they figure that means the woman won the argument - or it's a trap. Spider-Man figures his danger sense would be going off in the latter case, so they're safe for the moment. The woman turns out to be a healer with some super-powers of her own, as she lays her hands on the wounded and heals them up in a jiffy. Johnny instantly declares his love for the alien woman, and promises he'll 'tumble 4 ya' which… do I want to know? Iron Man opines that 'Torch, you got no class, man.'
Ben tells Reed that he's not too sure about this place - they're in plain sight of Galactus, after all. Reed figures that if Galactus cared about them, it wouldn't matter where they hid themselves, and if he doesn't, then it doesn't matter where they are either! Ben reluctantly agrees, then suddenly finds himself transforming back into the Thing, for no apparent reason. He asks Reed for an explanation, since he never once turned back on his own back on Earth. Reed promises to think on it, but admits he has an unsettling theory already. Ben heads off to find a place to sleep - if the cots can still support his beautiful orange bod!
Reed once more returns to worrying about his pregnant wife and child, musing that he finally understands Ben's feeling of being trapped inside his body, now that he's trapped billions of miles away from his family. Uh, sure, whatever you say. He suddenly looks up, startled to realize that Galactus just moved! The giant cosmic planet-eater raises his arms into the sky, much to Reed's horror...
To be continued...
Rating & Comments
After a pretty great issue last time, we follow it up with another quality outing - and this time the heroes actually get to show off their stuff! Before we get to the great feats on their side, however, we must acknowledge the absolutely insane feats that occur at the Molecule Man's hands. He shows just how overpowered he truly is by effortlessly exploding a base the size of an entire city, and then following that up by levitating an entiremountain range without apparent strain. Jesus, if he could do that all the time, how does he ever lose? I suppose this explains why the Avengers got him a therapist rather than a jail sentence - what could contain someone capable of such insanity?
Molecule Man is clearly the stand-out villain in this issue, but Titania also gets a nice stand-out moment when she chucks an entire building across five miles to try and squash the heroes, and it takes several of them teaming up to counter her. The rest of the villains are less impressive, even Doctor Doom, who honestly doesn't do a whole lot this time around besides look menacing with his arms crossed, and occasionally giving orders to underlings. Still, he does have Ultron kill Kang for his betrayal back in Secret Wars #1, which I figured they'd forgotten about entirely, so that was a welcome sight. Between his continued leadership and utter lack of mercy, though, I can't complain about his relative lack of presence in this issue.
On the heroic side, we should first turn to Thor, who returns from his little getaway with the Enchantress to discover that things have gone rather badly in his absence. The following battle, in which he holds off the combined might of the villainous lineup without much effort, really shows he is one of the most potent of the Avengers around - and one of the strongest heroes in general. He chooses not to finish the fight with the villains because he knows his friends are in need of help, not because he was actually beaten - and he got out of there using trickery sophisticated enough not even the Enchantress failed to see through it. Not bad for someone often portrayed as a dumb brick!
Speaking of - the Hulk! If the iconic cover didn't tip you off, Hulk's awesome feat of lifting more than two miles of solid rock that fell from the sky is nothing to sneeze at. It's a pretty great moment, though I have a feeling that the cover is a bit of a spoiler for a reveal that takes something like two thirds of the comic to actually arrive. The scene that deals with this includes Hulk's first admission that he's losing his heightened intelligence, a fact that's been hinted at but dismissed by him up to this point, and also contains a pretty amusing trade of insults, as Reed attempts to keep him angry. Reed, by the way, is the other one that impresses in this issue - he figures out Tony Stark's technology and then jury-rigs it for his own purposes in mere minutes, using only a handful of scraps he loots from the costumes of the other heroes. It's about time he gets to show off his stuff, since he's been lagging behind Doom in Secret Wars thus far. Last issue Doom invented a superhero-making machine - in the same period, Reed Richards figured out how to operate the cameras in his base, and then failed to use them properly. Hah!
We're still missing out on one hero that should be called out here - the Wasp! As I hoped, her apparent compliance with Magneto's ham-fisted seduction last issue was a ploy on her behalf, and she calls out the exact assumption that I figured the comic might be playing straight - that women just turn to putty in the hands of a handsome man with smooth moves. I assume her complaining about a lack of alien combs or her wish for a powder room were also her playing up the harmless woman stereotype, so I won't critique that too harshly. I'm weirded out that the X-Men jump to Magneto's defense for such poor reasons, though - surely they've figured out the Wasp isn't here by her free will? Is it really more important to ally with Magneto than keeping decent relations with the other heroes? Between last issue and this one, they don't impress.
In any case, Wasp turning on the X-Men for their evident betrayal makes sense, and it's somewhat heartening to see that Professor X feels guilty about last issue's violation of Spider-Man, so he doesn't pull the same trick on Wasp here. If feels rather too little, too late, but if he actually sticks with his moral guns this time around, I might find myself a little more forgiving. It helps that he admits to his crime, even calling it that, although it's a bit rich that he uses it to moralize someone else. I guess they really need Magneto though, since the X-Men just got their asses whooped by two solo heroes in a row. They need all the help they can get!
As an issue that relies heavily on its wow moments, I can't dismiss that they kind of got to me. Molecule Man's epic showing of lifting a mountain range and Hulk's equally impressive feat of holding it up with his sheer physical strength are the obvious ones, but Thor and Wasp both solo entire groups of enemies at the same time and escape unharmed, which is nothing to sneeze at either. I still prefer last issue over this one, but I think it still deserves a neat four stars for the spectacle, even if it doesn't have nearly enough Doom in it... Best Panel(s) of the Issue
Although I could pick the panel of Hulk holding up the mountain, I think the image on the cover actually makes it look more impressive than the ones inside the actual issue. I couldn't dismiss those epic mountains entirely, though - and I finally had to pick the panel of Molecule Man levitating the mountain range over the heroes' heads. Nice! Most Gloriously Villainous Doom Quotes
"Why… they are dead! We have slain them all… by dropping a mountain range on top of them! Simple! Effective! No? Now, listen well! You are hopelessly outnumbered! Submit - and I guarantee you a merciful death!"
"One of you tried to kill me. Indeed, he almost succeeded! And for that transgression, he must pay. Ultron - slay Kang! … I trust that the lesson is not lost upon the rest of you!" Absorbin' Man Is Priceless
"Throwing rocks is stupid!"
"Enough talk! Let's ace the sucker!" Doom's Bad Hair Day
The quality of the art is noticeably better in this issue than the last few - or the scans are superior. Probably the former, though. Regardless, I mostly just have nitpicks this time… like this panel in which Wasp randomly changes into a blue costume mid-transformation, when she's in her usual purple and green in all the other shots we see of her. Eh.
This weird characterization yo-yo of the Xmen sounds like the writer guy had some blowback to me, more than a plan.
I'm a cynical unkind guy though, though i'm genuinely surprised to the distasteful stuff i can't remember or went over my head when i read secret wars 30 years ago.
Well, I don't think the next issue is going to help much - it contains both moments of the X-Men being heroes, and more examples of them being jerks, with special emphasis on Professor X. He really has a thing about just randomly raiding people's minds and being an overbearing asshole, never mind his rather dubious approach to tactics...
I'm a cynical unkind guy though, though i'm genuinely surprised to the distasteful stuff i can't remember or went over my head when i read secret wars 30 years ago.
Any particular details that you want to mention in that regard? I haven't read a good chunk of these issues before, though I'm familiar with a few of the later issues just on account of recaps and flashbacks from later years. I'm a bit annoyed that the next issue will go the super-obvious route and have Johnny start dating a random alien woman in the middle of an apocalyptic threat. I'm hopeful it's a ploy by the aliens, since between his words there and what's going on with Colossus in the same issue, I have some unkind words of my own for writer Jim Shooter.
Well i don't remember the xmen being such a mess, or the super-sexism of magneto, which is strange since both xmen and spiderman were centerpieces of my (defunct) collection. Memory whitewashing or did my 14-15 year old self simply did not care about magneto and professor x being dickbags?
Not to mention wolverine looking significantly to his claws and being pleasantly surprised the professor x is brainwashing people (totally contrary to his 'later' backstory of brainwashing trauma btw).
I do of course remember the debut of Venom 'costume', for its importance later, or galactus 'doing the thing' and Doom interrupt.
I never did caught on that iron man was supposed to be war machine at the time, i just thought it was stupid dialog probably. TBF, i wasn't a iron man fan and had little idea of the character background.
I'm hopeful it's a ploy by the aliens, since between his words there and what's going on with Colossus in the same issue, I have some unkind words of my own for writer Jim Shooter.
edit: no the spoiler is wrong the alien 'dies for him', it's another girlfriend that the human torch rebounds on ('stolen' from The Thing no less....) that's a skrull. Why is this guy even on the F4 again? Oh right, Sue's brother.
Reading the synopsis it was later retconned so that she's a skrull spy. Johnny got honeypotted. Since the character is 'supposed' to be a horndog that goes through girlfriends like going to the cinema, I'm sure this doesn't matter to the F4 lmao.
092: Marvel Super Heroes - Secret Wars #5 (September 1984)
Cover
Well, things have gone tits-up now, haven't they? It's pretty cool that on this cover, the villains are the only ones not actually depicted at all, left entirely in shadow except for their weapons - a gun, a crowbar, a ball-and-chain, a bunch of robot tentacles, a couple of hands engulfed in energy and flame. The focal point of the image is the defeated heroes, who are being attacked - or assisted by - yet another group of heroes, the X-Men, who the comic declares are, at last, striking back. Against who, exactly? The villains haven't actually attacked the X-Men at all, and last issue it was the Wasp who took them on, so that's why I'm less than certain. It's a neat and promising cover, though I can't help but notice that Magneto is missing on this cover...
Story Overview
The Battle of Four Armies!
That's a Hobbit reference, neat! The comic starts right where the last one left off, with Reed observing Galactus raising his arms. He announces he should have expected this, and Cap asks what he's seeing - what does this mean? 'Look at the size of that thing!' Iron Man announces, and the Hulk agrees, noting it's still millions of miles away. What are they all staring at? It's Taa II, or Worldship, the solar system-sized, Möbius strip-shaped home of Galactus, summoned from wherever it was in the universe.
It's big… ludicrously, stupendously big. We get a shot of it from a distance, and it absolutely dwarfs Battleworld, and perhaps even the star it circles, with the entire planet's shadow a mere dot on its gleaming exterior. Why is it here, though? 'It ain't for our health, son,' someone opines.
The natives they're living with are understandably frightened by the sight, and Johnny tries to calm down the woman that healed him, annoyed that he can't explain himself properly without a shared language. He tries to convey that things will be alright - hopefully. He then puts the moves on her, declaring he is interested in more than a doctor-patient relationship, and when she drags him over to a nearby house, he's all too happy for some R and R - but is this the right time?
She drags him over to a fancy hookah that expels vapors, and Johnny decides he trusts her enough to go along with this. It smells sweet, but strong, and immediately Johnny feels like his mind's opening up, and images begin to appear to him. They're memories of the recent past… No, run Johnny, it's the dreaded specter of flashbacks!
There does indeed follow a recap of the last four issues, including a full roll call of everyone involved, a summary of the various battles that have happened, and even a rehash of Johnny being healed last issue, which I assume Zsaji already knew about, given that she was the one who healed him. Johnny wakes up from his trance, admitting it was kind of cool to touch souls like that - while she looked into his mind, he looked into hers, and he liked what he saw! He also caught her name - she knows he's Jah-Nee, and he knows she's Zah-Shee… Now, how do you pronounce that? Zsaji, that's it! They soon meet for a passionate kiss… Damn, this guy moves quickly!
Far away, in Magneto's lair, Colossus wallows in loneliness and worry, still obsessing over Kitty Pryce and whether or not she's okay. He muses about his big plans for them in a few years, when she's old enough - it's kind of creepy. How old is Colossus supposed to be compared to her? He looks a lot older, sure, but he probably isn't - I think he's also meant to be a teenager at this point? Being a musclebound bruiser doesn't help with looking his age! He worries he will die in this war and never get home - and who's to say the Beyonder would let them go even if they won? At least, Colossus reasons, he knows what his wish for the Beyonder would be…
Abruptly his musing is interrupted by Professor X's mental call - and it's quite the aggressive shout, too, with the man's giant scowling face appearing in front of him!
Magneto commends Professor X for the speed at which his minions arrive - he's trained them well! The Professor notes they're slower than he's content with. Nightcrawler complains that they might've been faster if the force of his telepathic call didn't bowl them over - but he's there, as ordered. Wolverine wonders what the rush is, and Professor X tells Magneto to retract the roof, so they can all see what's going on. Professor X explains that he identified the construct in the sky by gleaning details from Reed Richards' thoughts (without permission, naturally) - it's Galactus' home.
Cyclops admits that if he hadn't seen the Beyonder destroy an entire galaxy he wouldn't believe something of this scope could exist, but it's getting easier to accept the impossible. Rogue wonders what they're going to do, and Magneto tells them that they're all getting on a ship immediately - this might foreshadow hostile action on Galactus' part, and they all have to be ready to strike. In the meantime, he and Xavier are going to try the subtle approach. Wolverine and Storm are annoyed that Magneto is giving orders when he's not the leader of the X-Men - Storm is - and Cyclops wonders if with his experience, maybe it'd be better if he were leader.
Professor X finally cuts through the chatter and declares he will give orders until further notice - and they should do as Magneto said. There's no time for discussion! Figures. As the X-Men move off towards their ride, Professor X tells Magneto that being imperious for the sake of expediency isn't wise. Magneto just tell him they should get on with things already…
Over at Doombase, the various villains are chilling out. Molecule Man is explaining his backstory to Volcana, noting he had a tough life before he gained mastery of all molecules, and people always made fun of him and hurt him - did he ever tell her about the chicken-feather incident in high school? Volcana acknowledges that he has, telling him she wished she could've been there to help him. Absorbing Man, meanwhile, is comparing balls with Thunderball of the Wrecking Crew - his own ball-and-chain that they put on him to slow him down in prison compared to the wrecking ball that Thunderball uses as a weapon.
Piledriver decides to be a douche, and loudly comments that the milksop and his cow are approaching, Romeo and Guernsey - these are his lovely nicknames for Molecule Man and Volcana, naturally. He follows it up by literally mooing like a cow. Classy. Molecule Man suggests they just get out of there - his therapist told him not to react to such mockery. Volcana wants to punch some faces in, of course, and declares that if they make any more noise, she's going to make them very sorry. Piledriver piles on by calling them 'Mr. and Mrs. Nerd', which sets off Reece, who feels quite triggered by that particular word. Piledriver gets nervous when Reece starts unleashing crackling power from his fingers, and then Volcana slaps him in the face for his incivility. Whap!
Titania watches on, wondering why Volcana mothers that little wimp Molecule Man so much, but figures it might be interesting to keep an eye on this. Piledriver clearly doesn't know when to stop, as he calls Volcana a 'filthy fatbag'. Sheesh! Reece declares he will stop this very minute, for he controls molecules, and is the most powerful man in the universe! Piledriver decides he'll call that bluff and moves to rearrange Reece's face molecules, calling up on his Wrecking Crew buddies to help out. The three of them and Absorbing Man have all turned away, of course, and are blithely discussing the weather, looking anywhere but at him. Hah! Reece takes the opportunity to turn Piledriver's costume to solid metal, then pushes the immobile man over until he ends up face-first in the dirt. Volcana happily joins in, pressing the villain's face further into the mud with her foot. Serves him right!
Reece then turns to the other villains and asks them if any of them have anything to add. 'Uh, nope…' one replies. 'That should be: 'no sir, Mr. Molecule Man!'' Reece demands, and the villains wisely repeat the phrase, promising they don't want any trouble. Reece finally turns around and creates a flying chariot out of thin air, deciding he and Volcana should head out and find somewhere better to hang out than with these jerks. Titania thinks the villains are cowards for backing off - she would have ripped Reece in half! They spend some time trying to revive the unconscious Piledriver, still half-buried in the mud, and even Wrecker has trouble peeling apart the newly metallic armor with his enchanted crowbar, which usually makes short work of such things. Titania suddenly shouts at the others to look up, and they're startled to discover Galactus' Worldship overhead. They wonder if it's on their side, and wonder where Doctor Doom is - he would surely know. Hell, maybe it's even his doing!
Elsewhere in the villain base, Doctor Doom has found himself a nice personal observation post, complete with a circular control panel around a chair like he prefers at home. he might've built it in the last couple hours, I suppose. He looks into the sky and is glad to see the Worldship - he anticipated its arrival ever since Galactus went to stand on that mountain top.
With every moment the World-Eater's plans are becoming clearer to Doom - and with that, his own plans crystallize! Timing will be critical, he decides. He picks up a communicator and puts the other villains on high alert, declaring they will have a fight imminently. Fail him, he declares, and they will be utterly destroyed!
At that moment, the Enchantress approaches Doom, who tells her that his orders were clear and they should be followed. She claims Doom cannot deceive her - the odds are stacked against them, and she is afraid! She begs Doom to look at her - a beautiful, powerful, immortal goddess. What does she have to gain in this war? Some barrier prevents her from leaving, she admits, but perhaps with their combined talents they may be able to escape. Together. He is such a clever mortal, after all. How would he like the love of a goddess, for the rest of his life? Doom declares he would not! Hah, that was abrupt!
Not put off, Amora decides if her beauty does not appeal, perhaps his own might? She could repair the scars that he hides beneath his iron mask! Doom hesitates, wondering if she really could. Then he turns away, declaring he knows enough about sorcery to realize the hidden price of such a feat. He tells the Enchantress to save her tricks - she'll need them in the coming battle! Enchantress then pleads with Doom, saying she doesn't want to die in this war, that she cannot imagine what it's like for an immortal to face total, ultimate death! Doom glowers down at her, wondering if she's quite finished with her dramatics.
Amora announces he'll regret spurning her, but Doom just tells her she has her orders - get on with it! She finally gives up, declaring Doom a madman as she teleports away. Doom then wonders if it's madness that drives a man of his genius to strive for an impossible prize, or is striving for that which is ever just out of reach that which prevents madness from overtaking him? He, after all, does not fear death…
Meanwhile, over in Magneto's lair, Professor X and Magneto are combining their mental powers - yes, Magneto has those, although they're rarely brought up - in an attempt to contact Galactus through his mind - either to gauge his plans, or possibly to reason with him. It's not working that well, though, and they keep pouring more energy into the attempt. Back in the village with the rest of the heroes, Johnny figures he knows Galactus' plan - it's pretty obvious. He's going to eat the planet right from under them. Thing wonders if that's right, and Reed admits he'd like to find out. He tells Cap that he once saved Galactus' life - back in Fantastic Four v1 #244 - and that makes him the only person the cosmic being might listen to. Cap admits it's against his better judgment to let Reed try, since they really can't miss him, but he still wishes the man luck.
Soon Reed calls out to Galactus, much like Doom and the mutant leaders tried before him, and the giant seems similarly oblivious. He stretches out to reach the being's full height, and tells Galactus he believes he knows what he's planning, and it's madness that would surely consign him to death just as all the rest of them. He should know that! Back at Magneto's fortress, meanwhile, Professor X declares it's no use trying to contact Galactus - they're like gnats to him. Magneto refuses to give up and causes a mental surge… Reed is still trying to convince Galactus that they might be able to approach the Beyonder with his help, when the being glances away into the distance. Something flickered for a moment at the edge of his awareness, it seems, and a massive wave of psionic feedback flowed back as a result of the disturbance - detonating Magneto's base! At the same time Reed is blown back by a telekinetic burst, and he collapses back to the ground.
Reed explains to the other heroes that whatever disturbed Galactus also made him aware of the rest of them. Cap figures it was a long shot, and no harm was done, but Reed explains that he's wrong about that - they're all in terrible danger! Galactus is aware that they're there now, and they're right beneath him! Iron Man wonders if he's going to sic his cat on them or something, and Reed answers, with dread: 'Precisely.' At that moment a beam of light descends from gargantuan Taa II, which transported an enormous metal robot meant to dispose of pests - Galactus' proverbial cat!
Battle is joined as Hulk is swatted aside by the robot while Captain Marvel slips through its fingers like a beam of light. The heroes have a tough time keeping up with the monster, even with Thor's assistance, and don't notice that Galactus is hard at work constructing a device on his mountain top, beaming components down from his Worldship and assembling them into a massive machine. Johnny tells the others to back off while he tries his Nova-flames to deal with the robot, and the Thing tells him to drop them a postcard when he's done frying the monster. It grabs She-Hulk and squeezes, and Spider-Man only narrowly gets out of the way of it breathing a paralyzing goop that catches several other heroes by surprise, including Thor.
Johnny despairs at Thor going down, but Cap warns them they have to stay coordinated - they have to take out the robot's 'gun' pronto. The Thing concurs and they storm in. Cap lodges his shield into the robot's eye, Spider-Man rescues She-Hulk from its grip, and the Thing follows all that up with an almighty grapple that he apparently stole from the movie Coneheads. Huh. Even with leverage, however, he can't hold out for long.
He calls for Johnny, who unleashes white-hot flames into the creature's mouth, hoping something inside is flammable. Turns out there was, as the creature's stomach explodes, finally disabling it for good. Everyone is relieved that they survived and took down one of Galactus' minions, while Iron Man complains he didn't get any licks in.
Thor figures there will be more chances for glory soon enough, and he couldn't be more right - Spidey's senses are already tingling again, announcing more danger - and this time it's villains! Doom's men have arrived! Arriving on another one of those fancy tripods, the villains try the same gambit they did back in Secret Wars #2, blasting the Thing with a big laser while the rest rush in on foot. Doc Ock figures they're easy pickings after getting beaten up by the robot, but Bulldozer points out that they survived having a mountain range dropped on them - they're never easy pickings. Absorbing Man is sure that they'll kill em for sure, this time!
Not far away, Doctor Doom is observing the conflict from a small alien aircraft he commandeered, admitting that he wasn't surprised to discover the heroes had somehow survived their encounter with geography - it should be noted he was the only one who responded noncommittally to the celebrations of victory in the last issue. He decides their survival works in his favor, since his original plan was to send his villainous minions to attack Galactus, which would have surely led to their death - but a savage battle against the heroes in Galactus' vicinity should serve much the same purpose of briefly distracting the giant, which would give Doom the split second he needs.
The villains and heroes are facing off, drawing battle lines between each other as they do so, with the heroes coming out the worse in the equation. They're battered and beaten, while the villains are fresh to the fight, and they're driven back by lasers, beams of fire, and huge chunks of terrain tosses around like they weigh nothing. Cap tells the others to fall back, but to keep firing - the moment they blunt the initial thrust he'll tell them to hold!
That would have worked, except Ultron's energy beams and Volcana's thermal blasts touch, and in a reverse Ghostbusters moment, it's revealed that you really should cross these streams! A huge explosion detonates between the heroes, leaving them wide open to a follow-up. They get ready for one last stand, together to the last breath…
Suddenly, appearing from out of nowhere, the X-Men join the battle - even Magneto and Professor X have somehow made it to the fight! The Professor announces they're outmatched in strength, however, so they have to strike as one! Wolverine kicks Ultron in the face while Nightcrawler grabs Enchantress by the hair, and Cyclops blasts apart a huge chunk of earth summoned up by Molecule Man. For some reason Professor X announces that Rogue is falling behind and getting cut off by Titania - but the art really doesn't back that up. Mistake, I guess?
In the next panel she's suddenly somewhere else, getting pummeled by huge rocks that Titania is throwing around, but she effortlessly punches through them, telling her boss that he really shouldn't worry about her so much. Colossus is merrily smashing up some of the Wrecking Crew and Doctor Octopus, declaring they are what's keeping him from his Katya! One track mind, dude? Somehow he's beating up three people by grabbing a single tentacle, but I assume it's just unclear art again. Storm is up in the sky, gathering the power of a storm together so she can unleash it on her enemies, and using quite flowery language while she does it. I'm not sure if she actually hits anyone with all that spectacle, but everyone is awed anyway - except for Thor, who can do better!
Well, there's also Galactus, but even he can't complete ignore the gale whirling around his feet. And in the moment that he ponders the possible significance of the storm, concluding it has none, Doctor Doom finally acts! At impossible speed - described as 'tachyon' speed, presumably just below ludicrous - Doom's vessel spans the distance between Battleworld and Taa II, moving twenty-two million miles in less than a heartbeat and passing straight through the great ship's hull like it's mere vapor!
The Wrecker finally smacks Colossus aside with his crowbar and reverts him to human form. Cyclops reacts to his ally's distress by unleashing the full force of his eye-beams on every villain at once, which sends them running. Enchantress declares that the heroes fight like they're possessed, and they're gaining ground - they should head out now, while they're all still together and she has enough energy left, before they're overwhelmed. This day, she decides, is theirs! Titania wants to get some more licks in, but Absorbing Man just tells her to shut up as he lugs along an unconscious member of the Wrecking Crew. In a puff of teleportation, the villains disappear.
Professor X announces that they should all head back to the ship at once now that the enemy has fled, and Storm agrees - as soon as they've fetched Colossus. Professor X declares he must not be moved, and commands them all to return to the ship without him.
They immediately obey, but Nightcrawler is none too happy with this decision, wondering how they could just leave him there. Cyclops says the Professor will explain inside, and they all hope the explanation is very good. Magneto isn't helping matters, declaring Colossus was injured and thus of no further use to them, and they can't be encumbered by casualties. Wolverine declares that the X-Men stick together, and they might have no further use for him, even if he did shield him from the explosion of his base earlier. (Well, that explains that!)
Professor X notes that he left Colossus behind because his injuries were severe enough that to move him would kill him - but there is a healer in the nearby village that would be able to save his life, and he can trust Captain America and company not to do him any further harm. Professor X decides then that their assistance to the other heroes, as a third force in this conflict, proved to be quite effective, so he intends to keep going this way. They'll keep their distance, even if it means leaving one of their own behind temporarily. Understood?
Back at the village, Johnny meets back up with Zsaji, while Iron Man looks over the wounded Colossus and wonders if his girlfriend can have a look. Johnny says he'll try, but he's not sure if she can help a mutant - after all, he's not exactly a normal human, but a wholly different species! Iron Man just looks at him and observes that a man who can burst into flames has doubts that an alien woman might not be able to help a mutant. Bit of prejudice showing through? Thank God he's not black, huh? Johnny protests that's not how he meant it at all!
Colossus wakes up while Zsaji is healing him, and immediately tells her to leave him alone, that he wants no help! Stay away! She backs off, and Iron Man tells him he went and lost his place in line - is he happy now? Johnny opines that Colossus is nuts - and maybe they all are. Wow, okay Johnny, maybe Iron Man wasn't as far off the mark as you insisted! Zsaji moves to Spider-Man and heals him up, and he comments that it's better than a week in intensive care - and Johnny pipes up to say that she's gorgeous, too!
Colossus muses that Zsaji really is very beautiful - and evidently quite in love with the Human Torch. He wonders why, in this moment, he cannot picture Kitty in his mind. Zsaji… her name is Zsaji… In a rather sudden reversal from before, Colossus plays up his wounds and cries out in pain, and Zsaji rushes back to his side, laying on her hands once again. Johnny figures duty calls and he takes off while Colossus stares deeply into his alien girlfriend's eyes, smitten. Ah, I see what's going on here, that's quite devious! I hope. I really hope I'm right about this, because the alternative will probably get me ranting in some future post... (I'm told it's as dumb as it looks, so expect that rant at some point or another. Shooooter!)
Nearby, Cap and Reed are studying the apparatus Galactus is constructing, and Reed admits that it's probably intended to suck Battleworld dry, and kill them all along with it. In the process he'd win the Beyonder's game, but Reed figures there's something else going on - Galactus is planning, calculating. Cap wonders what, and he also wonders at Doom's plans - why wasn't he with his lackeys when they attacked?
At that moment, inside Taa II, Doom stands awestruck, transfixed by the majesty of everything around him. His senses can't adequately convey the grandeur of what he perceives, nor can even his magnificent mind grasp the unimaginable concepts to which his surroundings attest. It takes him minutes to speak - because naturally his first reaction is to narrate to himself - and he declares that he entered this place as sub-existent hyper-energy in a vessel whose technology is undreamt of by humankind, whose simplest controls he could barely fathom, and yet now he sees that even that vehicle is but a toy, and he is little more than a virus on this, the greatest of worlds!
Other men would blind themselves in the face of this, Doom decides as he walks through the enormous halls. They might fall to their knees in worship, or if they were less learned they might lack the wit to react at all. But he, Victor von Doom, shall find an answer here! No, he shall find a way - a way for the virus to grow, to become strong, to overwhelm this mighty Worldship, and then Galactus himself, and then the Beyonder! Then answers will be beyond concern, for they shall simply be… Doom's will! He stops mid-stride, surprised by something, but we don't see what it might be.
To be continued...
Rating & Comments
This issue is concerned with people's reactions to Galactus, first and foremost, with most of the run-time catching up on what everyone's doing immediately before and during the appearance of the Worldship. Galactus himself is barely a character, basically standing around like a giant prop doing inscrutable things while ants scurry around his boots and fight his cat. The victory the heroes achieve against the monstrous robot feels hollow - it was only ever a minor nuisance to be dealt with compared to the being that created it, and it's doubtless there's a billion more where that one came from. Indeed, all the fights in the issue suddenly feel rather pointless when considering the scope of what's really going on here - what's the point of the war, really?
The heroes get the least to do in this issue, really, mostly just reacting to what's going on - they stare at the Worldship for a while without any clear idea what to do about it, then narrowly defeat a robot that's summoned because of outside interference by Professor X and Magneto, and then finish it up by getting pushed back by Doom's villains before they get distracted by the arrival of the X-Men. At no point do the heroes actually have anything significant to add to the proceedings - I guess they got their moment in the sun last week, so it was someone else's turn again. Well, strictly speaking there is one hero who gets extra attention, but I'm not sure it could be considered a positive...
So, Johnny. It turns out that Johnny's proclamations of attraction for the village's healer, Zsaji, go a little further than just him being his usual self, and he's in full romantic fling mode, here. He's quite happy to jump in the sack with her, in fact, even while the imminent demise of the planet is hanging over his head in the form of Galactus and his Worldship. It doesn't really reflect too well on him, especially when he can barely make himself understood to his would-be girlfriend, but at least there's consent there. Johnny doesn't make himself look any better, however, by randomly spouting anti-mutant bigotry - and thankfully James Rhodes is there to call him out on it. I figured maybe he was overreacting a little, since Johnny's words were vague enough to be excused, but when he followed it up with aspersions against 'all of them' he kind of confirmed the worst interpretation. Johnny's a bigot in this one.
One of the weirder moments in this comic, and I'm told it's not a big alien ploy, concerns Colossus. After the comic goes out of its way to establish that Zsaji and Johnny apparently built up quite a romantic relationship in what must be mere hours, Colossus apparently falls in love with her too and instantly forgets all about the girl he's been pining after for several issues - Kitty Pryde. He's barely even met the alien girl, can't understand her language, but he finds himself jealous enough to fake worse injury just so he can get her away from Johnny's side. What's going on here? Are we really to believe he spontaneously decided all his moping about missing his girlfriend and all the plans he had for when she reaches adulthood - and yeah, that's still creepy - went straight out the window because he met a pretty woman with cat eyes?
Rounding out the heroes with the X-Men (debatably), they don't actually get as much coverage as the cover would make you believe - or at least, not most of them. An early scene confirms that Professor X is still an impatient dick who would let Magneto run roughshod over his team. Another establishes that even at their maximum strength, combining their mental might, those two friends-slash-rivals can only barely tickle Galactus' mind, and even that just earns them an explosion to the face. It's not until the final action scene that the full X-Men lineup shows up to be Big Damn Heroes, briefly taking on the villains until they decide to retreat - and even in that short time, one of their own manages to get hurt enough he is at risk of death. Professor X declares this debacle a success for some reason - bit Pyrrhic for my taste. Then they just sort of leave without even sharing a word with the other heroes. Not even, like, an apology for the Wasp situation. Okay?
The villains are a bit more interactive, although most of their time in this issue is dominated by a particularly dumb decision of Piledriver - namely to willfully insult a woman made of liquid superheated plasma, as well as her boyfriend, who recently picked up a mountain range and dropped it on people he didn't like. Owen Reece seems to grow himself a bit of a spine when Piledriver starts throwing aspersions towards his girl, and it doubles up when the asshole starts throwing the N-word (nerd!) in too. I admit, the shot of the other villains whistling and pretending not to be there is funny, as is Reece turning Piledriver's costume into metal and then tipping him over. Reece's insistence to be called Sir Mr. Molecule Man is best, though - he says it with such a straight face, and the panel showing the other villains reacting is priceless, especially Absorbing Man!
The other villain of note in this issue, besides Doctor Doom, is Amora the Enchantress - she tries to ply her trade on Doom, who is utterly unimpressed by her attempts at wooing him, instantly shutting her down. It's not until she brings up healing his face that he reacts - but he swiftly shuts that down too, citing his own knowledge of sorcery and what price must be paid for such an effect. As magic is treated quite conceptually, I can only imagine how pricey a fix would be for a flaw that is so deeply significant to Doom - like replacing a building's foundation while keeping it upright. The most interesting moment, though, occurs after the Enchantress leaves - in her absence Doom cites the Enchantress herself from the previous issue, paraphrasing her summation of how she copes with godhood. He wasn't there to hear those words, so it must be an ironic echo, but I can't help but notice that in so doing Doom unintentionally frames himself as a god…
Doom's greatest moment of the issue, however, comes at the end - after successfully distracting Galactus and using the opportunity to infiltrate his ridiculously oversized worldship, he waxes philosophical about the miracles he beholds inside the construct - treasures to satiate desires both subtle and gross, I'm sure. It wouldn't be Doom, however, if that's where he ended - with stupefied awe. Instead he turns this revelation of his own insignificance into fuel for his personal fire, declaring his all-consuming intent to find a way to rise above what he is. To become more. It's been a consistent theme since the first issue of this series, and it's great to see that Doom does not waver on this point. It is, I believe, the most engaging element of the entire trip so far.
Although the encounter with Piledriver was amusing, and all the Doom-related content was top-notch, this issue suffers a little from having a bunch of filler content. Not only is there an extended recap of the previous four comics in the middle of an issue that's clearly not meant to be read without context, this being the fifth in a twelve part series, but the entire fight scene with Galactus' robot feels entire superfluous and pointless, especially when it's immediately followed up by two more fight scenes that do, actually, have a purpose. The final action scene feels a bit rushed, with text making up for lackluster art that doesn't really convey what's supposed to be going on, so that's another point against this issue. The Johnny and Zsaji stuff? Yeah, minus again. Although the Doctor Doom content would get this four stars on its own, I'll have to dock it one for the flaws, and settle on a decent three instead.
Best Panel(s) of the Issue
Although I quite like some of the scale shots of Galactus' Worldship, I prefer the Kirby-esque interior shot full of unidentifiable but enormous scientific equipment all over the place - and that's before you even get into the descriptions of the place! Bit weird that Doom's cape is red here, though. Most Gloriously Villainous Doom Quotes
"Attention, servitors of Doom! Prepare yourselves for battle! From this instant on you are all on red alert! You shall be ready to strike at a moment's notice! Fail me… and you shall be utterly destroyed!"
"Is it madness, my dear Enchantress, which drives a man of my genius to strive for an impossible prize... or is it the striving for that which is ever just out of reach which prevents madness from overtaking him? I do not fear death…"
"I entered this place as sub-existent hyper-energy in a vessel whose technology is undreamt of by my kind... whose simple controls even I could barely fathom… And now I see that the unbelievable vehicle which brought me hither is but a toy, and I am but a virus on this greatest of worlds I now tread! Other men would simply blind themselves… or fall to their knees and worship… or perhaps, if they were less learned than I, they would lack the wit to react at all! But I, Victor von Doom, shall find an answer here! No! I shall find a way - a way for the virus to grow... to becoming strong… to overwhelm this mighty pulsing Worldship… and then Galactus himself… and then the Beyonder! And then 'answers' are of no concern - for they shall simply be… my will!" Absorbin' Man Is Priceless
"Yeah, after I busted a couple of guards' heads, they gimme this sucker to slow me down! But I just turned around and used it on 'em!"
[With huge, terrified smile:] "Yer okay by me, pal!"
"Shut up, Titania!" Doom's Bad Hair Day
Although I could point out a whole host of panels in which Doom randomly has a stick for a leg - and the same one each time, making it seem like he's limping around everywhere with a peg leg - this panel has a more obvious error in forgetting to color in Doom's chest, briefly giving him the white outfit he'd go on to sport for real in a future Secret Wars. How meta. Also, is it me, or is Doom a bit... chunky... in this image? And what's going on with his left arm exactly? Jesus Christ, how long are his arms in this? They'd reach below his knees!
Well it is nice to see in secret wars that Professor X could still be as much of a psychic pain as his debut appearance where he ran his students though supervillainous deathtraps as normal training methods.
Well it is nice to see in secret wars that Professor X could still be as much of a psychic pain as his debut appearance where he ran his students though supervillainous deathtraps as normal training methods.
Judging by what's going on in this storyline, Professor X basically has performance anxiety now that he has his legs back, and spends the entire time berating everyone for being slow, ill-prepared for combat, and failing to trust their allies - while not trusting them with the knowledge that his legs are too weak to hold him up all day, and that he's got no experience leading people into battle. But he forces it through anyway because he is the boss, damn it! Everyone gets pissed at him over it, and all the while Prof. X declares the moral failing of those around him, and of his past actions, while merrily repeating his mistakes - most of which involve mind-rape. He does that multiple times.
Like, Jeez, I'm not even kidding - it gets so much worse!
Far away, in Magneto's lair, Colossus wallows in loneliness and worry, still obsessing over Kitty Pryce and whether or not she's okay. He muses about his big plans for them in a few years, when she's old enough - it's kind of creepy. How old is Colossus supposed to be compared to her? He looks a lot older, sure, but he probably isn't - I think he's also meant to be a teenager at this point? Being a musclebound bruiser doesn't help with looking his age! He worries he will die in this war and never get home - and who's to say the Beyonder would let them go even if they won? At least, Colossus reasons, he knows what his wish for the Beyonder would be…
Shooter himself was squicked out about the relationship, and that's basically the entire reason that the Colossus-Zsaji stuff happens, to sink that ship.
Judging by what's going on in this storyline, Professor X basically has performance anxiety now that he has his legs back, and spends the entire time berating everyone for being slow, ill-prepared for combat, and failing to trust their allies - while not trusting them with the knowledge that his legs are too weak to hold him up all day, and that he's got no experience leading people into battle. But he forces it through anyway because he is the boss, damn it! Everyone gets pissed at him over it, and all the while Prof. X declares the moral failing of those around him, and of his past actions, while merrily repeating his mistakes - most of which involve mind-rape. He does that multiple times.
Like, Jeez, I'm not even kidding - it gets so much worse!
Proffessor X is basically want happens when later writer's look at a character's silver age superdickery and decide to address it as an actual character flaw instead of sweeping it under the rug.
Proffessor X is basically want happens when later writer's look at a character's silver age superdickery and flanderize him so it's his primary character trait.
The funny thing is that they kept going with "Prof. X has a dark secret!" as the SHOCKING SWERVE! until we now have a situation where he's objectively morally inferior to Magneto.
093: Marvel Super Heroes - Secret Wars #6 (October 1984)
Cover
In some respects, this is a counterpart to the previous issue's cover, and a mirror to the cover of Secret Wars #1 - although I think this one actually pulls off the concept a bit better by having that giant looming Galactus as a backdrop to the entire villain cast lunging at the camera. As I look at this, I realized I haven't actually seen the Lizard for a few issues, and that red guy on the right is unfamiliar altogether… I'm assuming their presence on the cover means they'll be relevant in this issue, which should be interesting. I'm also tickled that my two favorite villains of the arc so far - Absorbing Man and, naturally, Doctor Doom - are front and center, while Bulldozer is missing altogether. I kinda hoped it would be Piledriver, to imply he's still laying in that mud puddle from last issue, but alas, he's present...
Story Overview
A Little Death…
The issue starts with a woman driving poorly. Janet van Dyne, the Wasp, is still steering her stolen shuttle-craft through the sky after escaping from Magneto's lair, and is attempting to get back to Captain America - in the worst possible way. She declares driving this thing is impossible - you'd need five tentacles, or two-and-half chauffeurs! The shuttle smacks into the ground and starts tumbling, and Janet panics, muttering incoherently that it's Magneto's fault, and that of the X-Men, and how could they let her escape? Why didn't they stop her? Why didn't they come after her, since she knows their plans? They knew this would hap... The shuttle crashes into a rock with a deafening bang and stops.
Finding herself alive in the wake of the crash… Janet is disturbed to discover she broke a nail! She doesn't have a nail file on her, and her manicust is a trillion miles away! And it's her day off, anyway! She bumps a switch and activates a holographic map, which depicts the surrounding area as well as a little blinking light next to a nearby dome-like structure. She figures the car might be trying to give her directions, and decides it's better than nothing. She miniaturizes and takes off, but turns around before she's out of range… it's high time to put her mighty steed out of its misery. 'Phooey on you, crazy car!' she declares as she blows it to kingdom come with her bio-electric stingers.
Wasp flies on, musing that the terrain changes very abruptly - she watched the Beyonder put the planet together out of loose parts, but she still can't quite believe it. She flies on, and within a few hours reaches a nearby forest. She figures it'd be colder beneath the leaves, but it's actually hotter, and it's getting tough to fly - how can a girl flap her wings in such muggy air? She knocks a few alien bugs out of her way, declaring she quits, retires - send the limo around! She wants to freshen up, Vidal to do her hair, Lunch at 21, and then a nap! She's getting tired, and can barely muster up the energy to play bug-zapper, but at least she reached the dome she saw on her map. Maybe she could find a place for some rest there!
Second later she lands, resizing to human proportions so the bugs can eat her a little at a time rather than all at once - unless there's some really impressive insects roaming around. She wonders what the glowing spot on the map was about, since she's certainly seeing no signs of civilization: no first class hotels here! She starts talking to herself, quoting the Wizard of Oz and everything, just to break up the quiet - it's making her nervous. She muses that she should have been Eaglewoman rather than the Wasp, then at least she would've been suited for long-distance migration and wouldn't be stuck in the muck like this. A sudden noise makes her jump, and the giant boulder that falls from the sky certainly doesn't help. And if that wasn't enough, here comes the source of the ruckus - it's Kurt Connors, the Lizard!
Meanwhile, millions of miles away on board the Worldship, Doctor Doom plays with an alien console and is fascinated by what he finds there. Apparently the apparatus senses intent and accomplishes what the user desires, and with that knowledge Doom has gathered up what his armor's sensors noticed at the end of the previous issue - a strange, vibrating energy that moved through the vessel's walls as if were alive. Now he's about to reveal the nature of that phenomenon by reconstituting the energy into its original form, whatever that might be!
He hits the switch, and much to his surprise the supervillain Klaw - self-proclaimed 'Master of Sound' - reforms from the loose energy. Doom demands to know what he's doing in the home of Galactus, and Klaw repeats the word 'home' to himself a handful of times. Doom demands an answer, and now Klaw starts repeating his name instead - 'Doom? Doom, Doom, Doom…' The Doctor sighs, and observes he's managed to recreate a raving lunatic. Fantastic. Klaw is surprised to find himself alive again, and proclaims he was killed by Dazzler of all people. Doom's expression at hearing her name is about the same as mine at remembering those subpar issues she shared with Doom, actually.
Klaw explains his backstory, noting that by nature he is a creature composed entirely of solidified sound, while Dazzler is a mutant who can turn sound into light. Not that he knew that when they ran into each other - he just knows she started soaking up his body with her power, and got carried away - he was entirely absorbed, and spent some time flowing through her nerves, crackling in her cells. For some crazy reason, then, she ended up facing off with Galactus, who used her to try and find his old Herald - the Silver Surfer. She tried to fight him, and in so doing unwittingly fired what remained of Klaw at the mighty being. All that was left of him, a tiny vibration, was absorbed into the walls of Galactus' space-ship, and when it docked with the Worldship, he moved there. Since then… Doom walks away, having heard enough - he has no more use for Klaw.
Klaw pursues Doom anyway, wondering what he's even looking for. Doom explains that he seeks knowledge, power, opportunity. He seeks a way to conquer Galactus, and perhaps the Beyonder as well. Klaw warns Doom that Galactus will soon know he's here, and if he stays that long, he'll surely be wiped out. Doom says he is aware of the danger, looking in on Galactus via a nearby monitor to witness the construction of his world-draining machine. As soon as he's done, Klaw figures, he'll notice the guests in his home. He will, he will!
Doom decides if that's the case, maybe the work should be delayed. He reckons he could trick Captain America's group into attacking Galactus, but they're bruised and weary of battle, so they would be crushed in seconds. The X-Men and Magneto, meanwhile, lack the raw power necessary to challenge the giant. And while his own villainous minions might have the necessary might, but without his leadership they are nothing. Bah! See them limp home like beaten dogs after the humiliating thrashing they received from the X-Men! Clearly, Doom decides, his only option is to use indirect means. Galactus intends to feast on the planet, right? So why not spoil his lunch…? 'A fly in his soup?' Klaw opines, nattering on in the background, repeating snatches of Doom's words to himself as he prances around.
Doom looks across the various screens and look at one that depicts smoking volcanoes, declaring that's precisely what he needs… Now he needs to send instructions to his lackeys, and he requires a messenger to deliver those orders. Klaw is the obvious messenger, but he points out that beaming him down to the surface is risky, since Galactus might notice. Doom just tells him to remember what he's been told, and that he'll be rewarded with his 'wildest dreams' if he's successful, or be utterly destroyed if not. Klaw declares he's already his wildest dream - he's made of energy, and you can't create or destroy that! Einstein said so! But, you know, he'll play along - because he wants to put a fly in Galactus' soup! Soup-oop-oop!
Moments later Klaw materializes on ground level in the middle of Doombase, immediately declaring he brings word from Doom, but he has to say the magic words first - Ukase Doom Rex! He's about to start giving orders when Titania declares she's not taking orders from some weird raving robot, no matter if he's claiming to speak for Doom. In fact, she's going to rip him in half on general principle! Ultron intervenes, declaring that Klaw has uttered Doom's code words, which confirm Klaw is the real deal, and will be obeyed. Titania declares he doesn't care what bolt-brain Ultron has to say, and his arms start glowing in response, until Volcana calms Titania down by reminding her the robot already took care of Kang in quite a permanent manner. She then turns to Klaw, and demand he start talking.
On his mountain top, Galactus works on his planet-draining machine, but briefly pauses in his labors. For a tiny moment he stands still like a man listening for a tiny gnat which may or may not be in a darkened room - then he turns and stares at his home for long, long moments...
Hundreds of miles away, back with the Wasp, she's decided that the Lizard could have hit her before but didn't - which means he's probably just posturing, pretending to be a big bad predator. Wasp tells the Lizard to come closer, that she won't hurt him, and she decides he's as scared of her as the other way around. The Lizard claims the swamp for his own, and the Wasp immediately agrees, declaring she was headed for a nearby Plaza, and she figured she'd just stop in for the tres chic muck that he's keeping here. She notices that the Lizard is bleeding - he's hurt, with a badly bruised arm, though it doesn't look broken. She tries to see how bad it is, figuring he got it during the very first battle between heroes and villains back in Secret Wars #2, but the villain is hesitant to trust her. She tries to gesture the Lizard along, figuring he doesn't know what's going on at all - all he wants is a bit of swamp, bugs to eat, and peace. She intends to give that to him, but first she'll tend to his wounds!
At Magneto's fortress, or what's left of it, Rogue is amazed that all the damage was done by what amounts to Galactus shrugging. Magneto notes that if he hadn't engulfed them all in ball of magnetic force, they would surely not have survived. Cyclops dryly points out that Magneto's clearly not going to let them forget he saved their lives, but he should remember he was also the one that put them in danger in the first place by provoking Galactus with his rash behavior. Professor X declares that the bickering must stop, the incident is over, and for the present they are allies. A lack of trust might brook disaster in battle! He then excuses himself, claiming he must attend to other matters.
Soon, alone in his chambers, Xavier rests, and muses that he wishes he had his wheelchair with him since his legs still aren't quite strong enough to let him walk all day. He refuses the thought, deciding that if he uses it he'll show weakness to his students and they'll start to doubt his ability to lead them into battle. It's a new role for him, but he believes it essential under the circumstances. He decides that while he rests, he might as well do some psychic reconnaissance, and goes hunting.
He probes Doombase, lifting snippets of sound from people's ears, glimpses from their eyes, and images from the labyrinthine passages of their minds - enough to form a picture. He witnesses Klaw convey Doom's orders, but the specifics are vague. At that very moment, the Enchantress is disturbed to discover someone is trying to read her mind - some mortal fool! She returns the favor, calling to the distant telepath and declaring that the mind of a goddess it too subtle for his clumsy probing, and to the mightiest sorceress of all, his power is a joke! She soon uses her magical powers to lock the minds of the others away from Xavier, but he muses that he might have already learned enough. He calls out to his X-Men, declaring that he's learned Doom is sending a task force to a volcanic plain on the far side of the planet, and he's telling Cyclops he'll lead Rogue and Wolverine to observe them, ascertain their purpose, and stop them if necessary.
Cyclops immediately accepts, and Wolverine is ready to rip people apart - even Rogue is on board, thought she complains that the Professor thinks louder than she can shout! Someone who's not on board, however, is Storm. She angrily storms off, declaring she's had quite enough, and makes her way into Xavier's impromptu office, where he's found himself a heightened chair. Naturally. He tries to act innocent, asking if she wants to speak with him, but Storm isn't taking his shit - she'll talk, and he'll listen! She is the leader of the X-Men. Not Cyclops, and not him.
Xavier immediately tells her off for lacking control, as her anger is setting off the weather for miles around, which makes it hard for Cyclops' aircraft to take off. Storm tells him he can wait - she didn't order him to go. If she's the field general, Xavier wonders, what does that makes him? The aged training officer, perhaps, fit to hone their battle skills but not to lead? Is that what she believes? Storm agrees, telling him that he's an excellent tutor, but he should leave war to the warriors. Xavier declares that he doesn't care about her doubts - he's made a decision that's his to make - he will give the orders! Understood?
Storm tells him to give his orders, then, and to see who listens - she'll go her own way. Xavier tells her she will not - she, and the rest of the X-Men, will obey without hesitation. As loathe as he is to tamper with other people's minds, he threatens, he will not tolerate insubordination, mutiny, or desertion! Storm walks off, seething, and observes that the odds are stacked against them, the stakes are unimaginably high, and yet Xavier is willing to beat his troops into submission to ensure he has the honor of personally leading them all into catastrophe…
Back in Zsaji's village, Colossus lies in a temporary shelter, recovering from his near-fatal wound. From his position he witnesses the heroes care for the innocent victims of the war, the people of the village, and wonders why there must be constant suspicion and mistrust between noble men like these and mutants like him. He doesn't understand why there must be separate camps, different armies. Still, he misses his fellow X-Men - if they can't be here, then he wishes to get well enough he can return to their side. And he misses Kitty, his distant love - though recently, when picturing her, all he can think about is the alien healer Zsaji. Is he forgetting his true love's face already? No! He will remember only Kitty! He repeats it to himself like a mantra: he will be true to Kitty!
His conviction is shaken when Zsaji enters his tent to check up on his wounds. She lays on hands, and he tries to form some kind of sentence, finally giving up and just telling her that her healing power works wonders. He then gathers himself, no longer able to deny his feelings: he think Zsaji is the most wonderful, beautiful woman he's ever met! She responds with gibberish, and Colossus remembers she doesn't speak English, or probably even Russian, and he's not sure what's wrong with him. It's better that she can't understand, probably - he must already seem like a fool in her eyes, after all…
Johnny suddenly soars down from the sky, lifting Zsaji up by surprise and carrying her away. He sings some Michael Jackson as he carries her into the clouds, kissing her before dropping back down towards the ground in free-fall, thrilled to see that Zsaji is utterly fearless in the face of such startling movements. She really trusts him, he decides, and he's not going to let her down - well, except like he's doing now, descending gently from the air back to the ground. Seeing as these may be the last days of their existence, Johnny reasons, they could go necking at the waterfall. How about it? Zsaji says something, and Johnny assumes it means something like 'Baby, I'm yours' and takes her along. Nearby, Colossus listens on with wide eyes…
A little further away, Captain America and the rest of the heroes are gathered, making their plans for an assault on Galactus. They plan to attack him from as many different angles as possible, with the machine he's building as their primary target. From this moment on they must all be on constant alert - they might have only seconds to react when Galactus begins devouring the planet! Reed still isn't convinced that's the end goal, but goes along with it. She-Hulk inquires after the Wasp, and Cap notes that Colossus said she left Magneto's lair alive, which means she's probably out there somewhere, looking for them. Captain Marvel has done some scouting, but hasn't found her yet. She-Hulk accepts that, but wonders why they're not breaking Magneto's skull for kidnapping her in the first place!
Cap decides there's no time for vendettas right now, and he seems to be working with the X-Men for the moment, more or less on their side. She-Hulk notes he's still a criminal and a murderer - and a creep! Thing notes he's probably fun at parties, while Hulk declares they should smash him, or Doom, or even Galactus! Anything but sitting around and waiting for stuff to happen, it's time to take the offensive! Cap says he'd love to, but if they spend their strength rashly, they won't have any in reserve when it really counts!
Not far away, Spider-Man looks on as Hawkeye whittles down some sticks into arrows, to replace the high-tech ones that Reed used to escape from beneath that mountain range. Spider-Man sympathizes, explaining that Reed cannibalized his web-shooters too. Hawkeye doesn't see how it's the same thing - without his webs, Spidey is still Spidey. Without arrows, Hawkeye is just… some guy in a funny suit.
A little ways over from them, Iron Man lands next to Captain Marvel and asks: 'What's happenin', Babe?' She doesn't take it kindly, wondering if he can agree to call her Captain Marvel if she refrains from calling him bozo. Iron Man tries to explain that's not what he meant, but Captain Marvel flies off, telling him she's not looking for singles bar chit-chat. As she departs, she muses that she always thought Iron Man was more sophisticated and worldly, but it's like there's someone else in that armor, lately! And he's certainly not her type! Iron Man also walks off, still wondering what's wrong with that woman - and what's wrong with him? He has a pounding headache, which has been happening a lot lately. He decides to get to work to distract himself, declaring 'Shee-oot! I've got work to do!' like a complete stereotype, before lifting a whole building over his head. He figures he should get his mind off his headaches - and that squeeze! Yech.
Half a world away, the villains arrive at the volcanic plateau that Doom told them about, and set their ship down near a big crater. Doc Ock fills in for Doom, ordering Absorbing Man and Titania to guard the flanks, and Molecule Man… Reece says he knows what to do, and it'll be easy as long as he's not interfered with. Before they can get started, however, they get company - a second shuttle arrives! It's the three X-Men that Xavier sent out - Absorbing Man wonders if that's really all there is. The X-Men worry that the enemy's got them outgunned, though with only three people there that really shouldn't be much of a shock to them. Xavier's not much for planning, huh? What would they have done if all the villains showed up, instead of only a quartet?
Rogue wonders why they're even taking on these villains, since they were told to observe, but Cyclops decides that Doom wouldn't commit this muscle if the operation wasn't vital to his plans. Whatever they're doing - they must be stopped! Wolverine is glad it's a do-or-die fight - that's his favorite kind! Doc Ock tells Molecule Man to stay back since he's the most important one of the operation, then joins up with Titania and Absorbing Man to form a defensive wall. Titania rips up a huge chunk of rock, declaring she won't miss Wolverine with it - and nobody else will probably miss him either!
Cyclops tries to warn Wolverine back, but the clawed mutants jumps - and promptly get flattened by the rock. Absorbing Man enthusiastically praises her nice shot, declaring he once knew tough, ornery bouncer that she reminds him of - the two of them could have some fun together, he reckons. How about it, he wonders, want to have a date? Titania notes that he might be tough enough to handle a real woman, but she calls the shots. Got it? Ah, it's the best romance in the entire series so far, hands down! As Wolverine careens past, Rogue gets cold feet, declaring they don't stand a chance. Cyclops snaps at her to be quiet and do as he says. He opens his visor and blasts the ground in between them and the villains, which buys them a few seconds, then tells Rogue to try and hit them from behind - take out Molecule Man first! He's the deadliest! Given that he can drop mountains on people, and they're among fire-spewing mountains, I'd say so!
Rogue agrees, speeding off at his command. Molecule Man shielded the other villains from Cyclops' blast, and Absorbing Man takes the opportunity to absorb some rocks, figuring they might be in for a real fight. Titania agrees, telling him he doesn't want him hurt before they party. Ooh! Rogue muses that she's not afraid of fighting - but she doesn't want to die, and being part of the X-Men feels more like suicide every day. Doom's side is trying to win by killing their enemies, winning the Beyonder's prize. What are the X-Men doing, exactly? No clue! And what's she doing? Blindly following orders? Distracted by her worries, Rogue flies straight into Titania's incoming fist. Ouch. Cyclops covers for her by blasting Titania's position, calling out more orders all the while.
With Rogue out of commission, it's four villains against Cyclops alone. Absorbing Man decides he'll just absorb the optic blasts, and then he'll hammer Cyclops to death with his own concussive power! Hold on, Cyclops alone? Wolverine took advantage of the confusion and managed to slip behind the villains, jumping out at the nearest: the Molecule Man! Cyclops shouts 'No!' as Wolverine lashes out with his claws, and uses his optic blasts to narrowly divert the feral mutant's claws away from their target, but they still tear a gash into him anyway.
Reece goes down in a spray of blood, and Titania immediately asks if he's dead - Doc Ock denies that, but he's badly hurt, and that's very bad news. Molecule Man is important to Doom, and if he dies they'll be vaporized for their failure! They have to get him back to Doombase and get his wounds treated! Second later the villains beat a swift retreat with their injured comrade, letting Rogue off the hook on whether or not she should leave the X-Men behind in favor of people who share more of her wavelength. Wolverine calls Cyclops lily-livered for preventing the death of Molecule Man, but Cyclops shouts at him in a rage, declaring that if he wants to be on their side, with the X-Men, he mustn't kill. Take a life, anyone's life, under any circumstances, and he will be considered the enemy! Wolverine acknowledges the statement, and tells Cyclops that when the time comes, he'd better be at a safe distance for his own sake! Rogue awkwardly announces they've won… but won what, exactly?
They make their way over to the nearby crater, and wonder what the villains were doing in this desolate place - and why only those four? Cyclops observes that it was pretty obvious the other villains were just there to play bodyguard for Molecule Man, and he was the actual lynchpin here. He reasons that the Molecule Man can manipulate matter at will, so Doom could have sent him here to rip open the volcanic vents around them. Wolverine wonders what the motive could be, and Cyclops decides it's unlikely Doom would resort to such elaborate, roundabout schemes just to take out Captain America's group or the X-Men - but Galactus is quite another story. He's as much a threat to Doom as he is to anyone, after all. He then tells the others to stand back, and reaches for his visor…
Wolverine gets the gist, rushing away from the edge of the crater, even as Rogue is puzzled by what's going on. Cyclops unleashes his optic blasts over the rim, and it takes only a single full-power shot to let all hell loose, as the place is more unstable than he imagined. Wolverine says those sound like famous last words, and they'd better get out! In moments a chain reaction has begun, with more and more volcanoes detonating in response to the first, until the whole landscape is a fiery hell. As they fly back to base, Cyclops hopes he did the right thing...
Meanwhile, back in some forgotten swamp, Wasp has tended to the Lizard's wounds and comments that he must be a real sweetie under that tough exterior. Lizards protests that he hates humans, wants to crush them all, and let the Lizard's race rule in their place! Wasp acknowledges the statement and says she always heard he was vicious and cruel, but she judges people on their behaviour, not their reputation. Lizard just calls her crazy, and Wasp tells him off for not being a courteous gentlem- gentlereptile! He tells him to apologize, or she'll tell Gucci where to find him! The Lizard begrudgingly hands out a 'Sorry.' Wasp smiles at the gesture… when she's suddenly shot right through the chest by a laser!
Well, that escalated real quick! Lizard shouts 'Wassp!' in shock as a huge red tank with arms comes rolling into the swamp with the rest of the villains on board - it seems they were sent to retrieve the Lizard at Doom's command, as relayed by Klaw. Absorbing Man agrees that this why they're here, but it doesn't explain why they'd want the Lizard back at all. Thunderball figures it's just to have more muscle for the final showdown. Lizard isn't content to peacefully rejoin his allies, angrily shouting that they 'killed the woman!' and smacking half the Wrecking Crew across the swamp with his superior strength. Wreckers tell them to relax and activates a 'stasis ray' that freezes the Lizard on the spot, along with a large chunk of earth around him, before levitating it along for later unfreezing. Wasp's corpse is also on there, getting shuttled along with the rest, and the villains figure they'll drop her body off somewhere along the way back to Doombase.
Back at Zsaji's village, Thor observes that Galactus' device nears completion - their time is short. Thing begs Cap to do something - even just to stall him. Maybe invite him to a game of poker? Cap explains that Reed wants to take one last stab at reasoning with the giant, at dawn. She-Hulk says that if he gives the word, she'll beat the heck out of his ankle! Cap appreciates the humorous comment, but decides that for the moment they'll simply watch and wait. Nearby, watching from the shadows, a mysterious long-haired silhouette of a woman looks on...
To be continued...
Rating & Comments
Plenty to talk about this time, though not all of it is terribly important. Firstly, the hero interactions in this issue are pretty good, with Cap, Hulk and Reed unsuccessful at finding a good solution but trying to make it work anyway, She-Hulk expressing worry for the Wasp and some appropriate anger at some of Magneto's acts that seemed to have been swept under the rug, and Spider-Man and Hawkeye commiserating about losing some of their equipment and feeling less than ready for what's to come. The best moment happens between Iron Man and Captain Marvel - the former gets a little too familiar, the latter shuts him down hard, and finally someone seems to realize Iron Man is acting weird. For people who only know MCU Tony Stark, I imagine it's quite a surprise to discover that him calling someone 'babe' would be out of character, but there you go! Jim Shooter's continuing decision to include random African-American style slang into Iron Man's speech to make sure people know a black man is in the costume is less than endearing, unfortunately.
Continuing on from last issue, the Zsaji subplot remains utterly brainless and dumb, although reading that it might have been put into the story specifically to break up the relationship between 19-year old Colossus and 14-years old Kitty Pryde in favor of something a little less squicky does help justify its existence. Although I don't think it's ever confirmed canonically, a bunch of sources also argue that one could read Zsaji's healing ability as having an aphrodisiac effect, or at the very least inducing a sort of two-way emotional connection - that would explain why people trust her so readily, and why two people basically instantly fall in love with her. I figure it's a preferable reading than the more straight-forward assumption that these men think with their lower parts so much that they don't even care what women might have to say. At least Zsaji seems quite consenting about the whole affair, which makes it a little less disconcerting than it might have been.
The confrontation between three X-Men and four villains at the volcanic plain is a bit more compact than most of the skirmishes of this series so far, but it has some interesting aspects to it. Rogue reminds us that she's only recently stopped being a villain, and isn't quite as comfortable being one of the X-Men as she might claim (which isn't too weird with how strict Professor X has been acting recently.) I'm somewhat worried that she considers desertion in the same issue that Xavier threatens to deal with such things harshly. The other aspect that's interesting is that we finally get some resolution for Wolverine's constant anger issues throughout Secret Wars - he's been chomping at the bit since page 1, and here he fulfills his promise from an issue or two ago and goes for the kill, no matter what 'Charley' says. Only the intervention of Cyclops prevents a straight-up murder, and he still slices the man open badly enough that he's visibly bleeding from the wounds, which isn't something comics of this era would depict terribly often. At least Cyclops is generally a straight-laced moral person, so his moralizing seems a little less hypocritical, if a bit extreme - never kill anyone for any reason? Really? Self-defense? Defense of others?
What I thought was pretty clever, but speaks poorly of Cyclops' reasoning ability, is the fact that the X-Men end up completing the villains' task for them anyway, basically making the entire confrontation pointless. It also means Wolverine nearly murdered a man for nothing. As Rogue points out, though, Xavier instructed them to observe first to determine what the villains were up to, and Cyclops chose to forego that advice. If they'd just checked things out first, there would have been no reason to interfere at all, and combat could have been avoided. Cyclops' poor justification for fighting was that if Doom wanted something badly enough, that clearly means it is bad. Only to then turn around later and declare that, nope, turns out Doom's plan probably was sensible. Of course, he only thinks it through after pointlessly endangering himself and his allies and nearly facilitating a murder. Brainless dolt...
The sequences featuring the Wasp and the Lizard are utterly ridiculous, but also amusing - although they do unfortunately suggest Wasp's constant habit of referencing beauty products, female hygiene habits, and fashion designers is less an attempt to fake being shallow, and more her actually being that incredibly stereotypical. In this very issue she complains about a broken nail, for crying out loud! Her valley girl aesthetic makes for a funny contrast to Lizard's vaguely villainous Tarzan shtick, which makes it a little more bearable in this issue that it might have been, but I can't imagine trying to read a comic that's actually about this interpretation of the character. Although I have to say, her panicked exclamations as her commandeered shuttle goes out of control got me good. Howcouldtheyletmeescape!? The violent finale of this humor-focused section came out of left field, and thus feels like a proper cliffhanger - though I hope it doesn't take half a dozen more issues to resolve.
Besides the return of the Lizard after a lengthy hiatus, this issue also introduces a new character, and one that's considerably less interesting than our scaly boi. He's also a lot more annoying. Klaw doesn't act much like his pre-Galactus counterpart, having been driven quite mad by his extended stay as an echo in a spaceship's walls, and while his mentally challenged persona is momentarily entertaining when contrasted against Doom's serious demeanor, it gets old very fast. Klaw sort of acts like a sounding board in some places, but since Doom is perfectly capable of making grandiose speeches to empty rooms filled only by his voluminous ego, it really feels like Klaw detracts from the scenes he's in rather than add anything more than dumb noises. Combine that with his silly design, and I hope they move on from this character quickly.
Doom once more plays the mastermind of the operation, and is the only person in the entire series that appears to have a good idea of what he's doing, rather than continually flying by the seat of his pants. Let's face it, the heroes spend their time hunkering down and waiting around for things to happen, or they retry the same plans repeatedly while they worry about their love life. The X-Men spend their time bickering over who should lead, whether or not they can trust anyone, and occasionally they have a tussle before quickly vanishing again. Doctor Doom, meanwhile, employs a host of different tactics to get what he wants, discards those plans which fail to achieve his goals since he always has several backups waiting, and constructs solutions where they are not readily available to him. He's barely in this issue, but his plans are still felt throughout via Klaw and his villainous colleagues anyway. Judging only by what I've read of the series so far, I'd guess Doom's arc is one of the first that was written in full, and others were planned around it - it's the only way I can explain why he gets so much foreshadowing, ironic echoes, and coherent multi-issue plotting, while other characters get caught up in lame 'love at first sight' shenanigans, or spend their time going back and forth on their loyalties, or straight up sit out entire fight scenes...
Finally, after several issues largely avoided addressing the assholish behavior and weird decisions made by Professor X, it was nice to see Storm finally snap and confront the problem head-on, even if she mostly just gets angry blow-back for her trouble. Xavier at first attempts to play it off as her overreacting, and when that doesn't work he puts a foot down in anger - but he eventually drops the mask, and reveals what's really going on. Which is… not good. After quite recently moralizing Magneto about not using evil means to reach virtuous ends, he readily succumbs to temptation himself - again - and threatens to mind-rape Storm into compliance with his ideals. Yikes. He even tries the whole 'I wouldn't normally do this…' shtick, but after going through with this exact threat only an issue or two ago, and breaking into many people's private thoughts without their permission for several issues in a row, it's hard to take his declaration remotely seriously. The whole thing reads awfully like an abuser trying to sweet-talk his domestic violence to me, and that's just gross. Xavier is the worst kind of supposed moral example: one that personifies 'do as I say, not as I do.'
To support that last claim, we should look at the Professor's other flaw revealed in this issue: his utter hypocrisy. Xavier lectures Cyclops about his lack of trust in brand new allies like Magneto, telling him it might lead to problems in battle, but he's even worse. In private he reveals that he doesn't trust his allies to know about his physical issues because his students might begin to doubt his ability in battle - he avoids using his wheelchair, even if he needs it, because it might make him look weak. Sidelining him for this sort of deception would, of course, be completely justified - he lacks battlefield experience, his body is likely to give out sooner, and he doesn't trust his teammates. That's like a trifecta of red flags! How does he not realize he's setting a terrible example here? Basically, Xavier is a hypocritical jackass and shit leader throughout this series, as he was in the one-and-only other X-Men and Doctor Doom crossover I read, and Storm has extremely valid reasons to be irate at his behavior. His private thoughts underline that fact all the more, and since the Professor seems so cavalier with other people's private musings, I figure his are fair game too!
This issue is the first that really feels like it's stalling for time, stretching the story out into a full twelve issues, and it immediately feels annoying. The entire Lizard subplot is irrelevant, if amusing, and the confrontation between X-Men and villains would have been entire pointless if not for the potential impact of Molecule Man's wounds - and Doom's explicit intent in setting off those volcanoes is to stall for time, which is remarkably meta but doesn't actually make things better for the comic. And for all that I talked about the confrontation between Professor X and Storm, they don't actually settle anything here - in the end Storm just leaves, presumably to finish the plot-line in a future issue. Similarly, there's no actual forward movement in subplots like Rogue potentially going rogue, the entire Zsaji love triangle, the workings of Galactus, the plans of the heroes, or even Doctor Doom's machinations. This feels like a step in place - an amusing one, but still. I'll give it an average three stars, I guess, mostly because there's a host of nice moments in there. Probably the least interesting issue so far, save perhaps for the Xavier scene... Best Panel(s) of the Issue
I debated using a shot of the Lizard, just because I think his design in this was adorable, but I think I'll have to go with a shot of Galactus, his machine, and the gargantuan base in the background - it's one of the few times you get some vague idea of scale outside a shot depicting the entire solar system. That Worldship dominates the skyline with its stupendous size, doesn't it?
Most Gloriously Villainous Doom Quotes
"So… I have managed to recreate a raving lunatic!"
"He plans to feed upon the planet's energy, does he? Well, perhaps I can spoil his lunch!"
"Serve me well, and I shall rewards you beyond your wildest dreams… Fail me, and I shall destroy you!"
Absorbin' Man Is Priceless
"Splatter him, legs!"
"Nice shot! You remind me of a lady bouncer I used to know! Ornery… tough! I bet me an' you could have us some fun, like me an' her used to! Whatcha say, baby - how 'bout a date?"
"That'll be a kick, hammerin' him with his own rays!"
"That does it! Let's ace those jerks!"
Doom's Bad Hair Day
This panel just has a… bunch of things to comment on. Firstly Klaw arrives looking like he's been through a press, with his limbs bent awkwardly and his coloring utterly without shading. Doc Ock is a barely defined figure in the background with a line for a tentacle, never mind several people looking down from the balcony, who are reduced to literally just being stick figures. Add an utter lack of background for half the image, a missing floor, a discolored Titania, and Molecule Man appearing to be toddler-sized compared to his girlfriend Volcana, and you've quite the stew going...
The funny thing is that at they kept going with "Prof. X has a dark secret!" as the SHOCKING SWERVE! until we know have a situation where he's objectively morally inferior to Magneto.
094: Marvel Super Heroes - Secret Wars #7 (November 1984)
Cover
This cover has a bunch of neat details, but they're all overshadowed by the looming presence of a scowling, vengeful Captain America - who also looks like he is related to cave trolls. I'm not sure what it is about his face - maybe his eyes are spaced too far apart, or his forehead is too short - but I get uncanny valley vibes from this image, which is never a great sign. The most interesting aspects of this cover, naturally, is the presence of a brand new hero - Spider-Woman! This is not the classic Jessica Drew that people might be more familiar with, but the second Spider-Woman, Julia Carpenter. She's a bit of a second-stringer in general, as she'd also go on to be the second Arachne and second Madame Web in future comics. Go figure!
Story Overview
Berserker!
The issue opens up, quite promptly, with the introduction of the brand new heroine, dressed in a black costume with white eye-spots, white gloves and boots, and a large white spider on her chest. Johnny spots her sneaking around the alien village and asks who the hell she is, and she introduces herself as Spider-Woman. The other heroes run in to meet her, and she repeats her introduction to them as well. Captain America is surprised to hear her speak English, which implies she's from Earth like the rest of them, and also that she's not the same Spider-Woman he's familiar with. Hulk wonders how she even got here, to this crazy alien planet, but Reed immediately cuts in with a hypothesis - the Beyonder used chunks of other planets to create Battleworld. Evidently, he used bits of Earth, too…
Spider-Woman concurs, explaining that a whole suburb of Denver was transported to Battleworld, though she has no clue who, or what, a Beyonder might be. Iron Man explains he's some dude who brought them all here to fight 'cos he was bored one day - succinct. Spider-Woman says she saw signs of the fighting, and that's why she came - she wants to help! Hawkeye wonders why she thinks she can help them, and Spider-Woman lifts an enormous boulder, declaring she's quite strong. Cap accept this, but is hesitant. Spider-Woman figures he believes she's a spy for Doom, ready to stab them in the back. Cap denies this, since he believes Doom has too much raw power at his beck and call to bother with such trickery. Spider-Man observes from nearby, gauging Spider-Woman's strength as similar to his own, and he wonders if she can stick to walls too. He also muses whether he should sue her for infringing on his shtick… he really should've gotten a patent or trademark or something!
Cap notes that strength alone is not enough, and war is dangerous business, but Spider-Woman replies that it's no less dangerous for spectators - so she might as well pitch in. Suddenly the ground starts shaking, interrupting their discussion with some action. The giant red tank that blew through the Lizard's swamp last issue comes barreling into town, blasting houses as it goes. As Cap orders the heroes to get the villagers out of the way of the vehicle, Wrecker pops out of the top of the tank with the body of the Wasp. He announces this as a present from the Wrecking Crew, then tosses her over the edge, and her unmoving body flops down head-first to the ground, easily twenty of thirty feet below.
The heroes rush to the Wasp's side, horrified, with She-Hulk in particular crying out in terror. Hulk figures the villains must have found her by herself somewhere, and when Johnny asks about her condition, he's told she's been shot, and then there was the way she just landed… They rush her back to the village, to Zsaji, but she's not breathing, and they can't find any pulse either. Zsaji can't understand what they're all saying, naturally, but she gets the drift, and goes to lay on her hands. She tries, briefly, but then dejectedly steps away from the Wasp, her head low. She-Hulk demands to know where she's going, but Thor and Hawkeye bow their head too, realizing it's too late. The Wasp is dead.
Moments later, outside the hut, the heroes are united in their grief and rage - they're going to make Doom's toadies pay for what they've done. Especially the Wrecking Crew! The only one to disagree is Captain America. He lays out the facts: while they go off to get even with the villains, they'd leave Galactus unattended. If he were to start using that device of his while they're gone, every living thing on this world - including Zsaji's village and the stolen suburb of Denver - would die. They have to stay here, ready to disrupt Galactus, because when he acts, they might have only second to react! Hulk wonders why they're waiting - let's just hit Galactus now, then tackle the villains afterwards! Captain Marvel figures that'd be a lot like suicide, but Hulk still figures it's worth a try.
Cap muses that perhaps that's Doom's plan - to goad them into attacking Galactus. Thor concurs, figuring that whoever comes out of that conflict, weary and bloodied, would be easy pickings for the fresh-faced villains. Hulk notes that as things stand, that'll eventually happen anyway. Cap acknowledges the possibility, but decides they'll have to wait and see. He wants to tear into the villains as much as any of them, and if he sees a chance he'll take it, but right now they can't afford to squander their strength. She-Hulk walks off, her fists clenched.
Half a world away, the three X-Men that unleashed volcanic hellfire last issue are making their way home, dodging between erupting volcanoes as they go. Professor X contacts them and commends the three for successfully driving away four of Doom's lackeys, and Cyclops updates him on their status - Wolverine has minor injuries, and they'll be back at Magneto's lair in eighty-two minutes. Xavier tells them the plan has changed, as even now Nightcrawler, Storm, Magneto and he are boarding an airplane of their own, and they will converge on the same position as they both hunt down Doom's task force. He figures together they have a chance to trap the four isolated villains before they can rejoin their allies, which is an opportunity they can't let slip away!
The ship of Doom's task force, meanwhile, passes over some lush alien landscape as it makes its way back to Doombase. Absorbing Man asks how the wimp is, and Titania wonders if he actually cares. He admits he doesn't, and that he was just making conversation. Doctor Octopus opines that with the way Wolverine sliced the man open, it's a wonder he's not dead. He then tells the others they'd better make sure Reece doesn't die, or Doom will disintegrate them! 'And he'd forgive you, huh? Fat chance,' Titania responds, telling him to just keep driving.
Hundreds of miles away, at Doombase, Volcana is inconsolable as she finds herself far away from her boyfriend and unable to reach him. She asks Klaw for help, but the weird sound-based being is no help, merrily chanting he's a Loon-oon-oon while calling her a 'plump pretty.'. She heads over to the Enchantress next, telling her she should be able to teleport Volcano to Molecule Man's side with her magic. Enchantress acknowledges this, but wonders why she would. Volcana admits she can't fly any of the aircraft - she doesn't even have a driver's license for a car. And Ultron won't help either, as he only takes orders from Doom. Enchantress sneers, declaring it would take much energy to teleport a body as… bloated… as hers, and she can't be bothered. Man, after this, Klaw calling her plump, and Piledriver insulting her as a 'filthy fatbag', it's pretty clear what the intent was, but the art really doesn't convey her obesity...
Volcana begs for the Enchantress' help, and the Asgardian goddess is amused, musing that next she'll probably try threats. She finally says that if she does this thing, there will be a price. Volcana is ready to pay - anything. Enchantress gestures and teleports her away, smiling as she chides the mortal for her rash words. She'll deeply regret them, yes indeed!
Volcana pops up inside the ship with the wounded Molecule Man, quickly explaining she made a deal with the Enchantress to get there. Titania stares at her in disbelief, and says that she's seen her do a lot of stupid things over wimpy mama's boys, but this takes the cake. Volcana tells 'Skeeter' to shut up and goes to her boyfriend's side, promising she'll keep him warm and safe until Doctor Doom or someone heals him. Titania irately reminds her that her name is Titania now, thanks.
Doctor Octopus exclaims that whoever they all are, they'd better brace for evasive maneuvers! Those proves ineffective, as the vessel takes a direct hit from the X-Men firing their ship-board lasers and careen downwards, heading for a crash. The villains quickly tears their way out of the totalled aircraft, with Absorbing Man compliment Doc Ock's fantastic 'evasive ma-noovrin'' but he just gets told to shut up. Volcana is still looking after Molecule Man, who seems stable for the moment - he's not bleeding anymore, but he's still unconscious. Figuring that means there's enough time to beat up on some of these X-Men, the villains gather together to meet the oncoming Storm and colleagues in force. Absorbing Man absorbs the properties of some nearby rocks to prepare for the fight, and Volcana ignites her body, declaring she's going for the one with the claws.
Titania moves takes on a host of X-Men at the same time, impressing everyone with her strength and toughness - she knocks Rogue out in one punch again, declaring the girl's got a bad habit of leading with her chin, all while she doesn't even notice Nightcrawler's attempt to clobber her over the head with a rock, or Cyclops' ocular blasts, which ricochet off her body like she's a mirror. Absorbing Man goes after Magneto, who's hovering a bunch of metal-containing rocks around as weapons, and asks why scum like him is hanging out with the X-Men. Sure, they're outlaws, but he figured Magneto was big time - mass-murder raps, manslaughter, terrorism, probably everything. He's one of them! On second thought, he decides, maybe a creampuff like him belongs with those losers! This seems to finally get to the magnetic villain, and he declares that Absorbing Man will pay for this insolence!
Volcana blasts her beams of fire at a flying Storm, who avoids her handily. Nearby, Professor X is watching the battle, warning Storm from a surprise attack by Doctor Octopus, and worrying that his particular talents have been made ineffective by the interference of the Enchantress, who has placed defensive spells on her colleagues. Xavier figured he'd just focus on coordinating the battle instead, but now that he's in the middle of one he finds himself overwhelmed by the noise and confusion, and he's too late to warn Storm that Doc Ock is making another attempt. Wolverine rushes in to assist, slicing past Absorbing Man as he goes - in quite a literal sense. He cuts the man's arm completely off!
In revenge for this vicious maiming Volcana unloads her full might on Wolverine, who is bowled over by a wave of fire and screams. Nearby, Absorbing Man picks up his detached, stone arm - it's still holding his signature ball in chain weapon in its clenched fist, even! Cyclops blasts Volcana's position so she's forced to let Wolverine go, and Professor X rushes in to help Wolverine, who's survived the ordeal. The Professor tells Magneto to assist Storm against Doc Ock, while in the background Absorbing Man sprints by, hilarious wielding the arm that's holding his weapon as a weapon in itself. Nice.
Professor X orders Storm to create rain and frigid temperatures around Wolverine, and then strike with all force against Titania. Magneto buys her time by tying Doc Ock's tentacles into knots, while Rogue smacks Titania around with a chunk of rock, claiming that while others have more strength than her, she's got warrior skills. That's probably a reference to the Kree training she picked up by draining Captain Marvel, actually. Rogue decides she should use her head in battle, rather than worrying about which side she should be on. She's already picked a side and she'll stick with it - mostly because waffling about it led to her getting her face smashed in a lot. Heh, you said it!
Volcana sees the writing on the wall and tells the other villains they should get out of there, and make a run for it. She'll cover their retreat. Lighting the entire area on fire with the force of her plasma-infused body, it's Magneto and Rogue working together to raise up a temporary shield that protects them from the worst of it. Storm buffets them with rain and cold winds, figuring Volcana can't keep this up for long - but neither can they! Magneto claims he's fine, of course - this is no challenge for his magnetic prowess! Unfortunately the villains get away in the conflagration, swiftly hijacking one of the X-Men's ships for their own use to replace the one they lost. Shouldn't have let the key in the ignition, guys!
Professor X, for some bizarre reason, thinks they came out ahead in this. Like, they're in the exact same situation as before, except they've lost one of their ships - how is this better? He figures they've gained all-important experience. Oh, brother. He says they coalesced as a fighting unit and passed their greatest test to date, so they've proven themselves, beyond a doubt! Storm isn't so sure - she thinks it was Xavier who was tested today, and though they did well enough, she still has many doubts about his ability to lead them in frontline combat.
At that moment, inside the Worldship of Galactus, Doctor Doom is finally losing his cool. His search is growing increasingly desperate with time, equating himself with a burglar who rummages through someone else's house, seeking to steal the most priceless thing he can find. But what choice does he have? He needs a key, a way… His armor's sensors have led him to prize after prize, hundreds or thousands of devices which, in the hands of someone like himself, could be used to conquer galaxies! Yet even all of them combined are not enough to take down Galactus, let alone the Beyonder! There must be a way, though. Doom must be supreme! And yet… he's taking too long. How much longer can Galactus fail to notice him up here? He wonders if he's afraid, and decides it can't be - fear is for lesser men. It's excitement he feels, yes, and he - he shall press on!
Back on the surface, Galactus is plagued by a vague sense of unease. Busy as he is with his endeavours, he takes a moment sense everything upon the world that he's standing on, observing the titanic volcanic eruptions that are spreading and growing ever more violent. He sighs, deciding he'll need to repair this damaged planet before he can devour it - a nuisance. His concern over these eruptions nearly causes him to overlook a less significant matter. He senses something out of place, something small, somewhere in his home. He pinpoints the anomaly, seizes it… and expels it from his Worldship. He is not gentle. Doctor Doom is flung from Taa II like a meteor, burning in flames as he descends to the world below. Galactus turns away, satisfied, and goes to quell those pesky eruptions that interfere with his work.
Some time later, at Doombase, the villains finally get home with the unconscious Molecule Man and the literally disarmed Absorbing Man, who is still made of solid rock. Volcana asks if Doctor Octopus can help Reece, since he's a doctor and everything. In a lovely reverse McCoy, he declares he's a nuclear physicist, not an MD! He takes Reece to his chambers, figuring he's someone else's problem after that, or maybe Doom's! Volcana desperately requests help from Ultron, who declares there are medical machines available and he knows how to control them - but he may only do so at the command of Doctor Doom! Volcana tries to reason with him, figuring Doom wouldn't want allies dead, but the robot doesn't budge.
Enchantress approaches, declaring she can heal her boyfriend - for a price. Volcana, annoyed, asks what she wants, and Amora smugly points out that she wants nothing - Volcana has already bartered away all that she possesses by offering anything in the earlier trade! Volcana threatens to kill the witch, and Titania steps in, telling her to just go take care of her man. As Volcana heads off, Titania stays behind for a moment, declaring that Volcana's her friend, and even if she doesn't care for that wimpy runt Reece, her friend likes him. She declares she's going to eat, clean up, get some rest… and then, if Reece isn't all better yet, she's going to tear Enchantress' leg off and stuff it down her throat! Yikes!
Nearby, the Absorbing Man worries about his detached arm, as it's not something he's ever had to deal with before. If he changes back to human form with a bisected arm, he'd promptly bleed to death - but he can't stay in stone form forever, as he wouldn't be able to eat! He decides to risk it, holding his severed arm where it's supposed to be and hoping that his transforming power will take care of the problem. Or maybe not - it's magic, he doesn't know how it works! He's got no choice but to try, though! He reverts, screaming in pain, and discovers that his arm has reattached. It hurts like hell and is very sore, but it's stuck! He feels sick, though, and decides he'll have a lie down to recover…
Elsewhere in the fortress, the Lizard awakens from stasis, and immediately attacks the Wrecking Crew for killing the Wasp. They're stupefied, not sure why he'd even care that some stupid hero got gunned down, and they force the rabid reptile into a darkened cell, figuring it's capable of holding the likes of Thor, so it should work for the Lizard. As they leave, we see the edge of Klaw's limb as he repeats to himself: 'Lizard-izard-izard…'
Moments later the Wrecking Crew breaks up, with Bulldozer going for a nap while the others fetch some chow. Bulldozer grouches that the Lizard nearly tore his throat out, so whatever Doom wants the creature for had better be worth it. Hopefully it's painful. Suddenly he feels a breeze - but there's no open windows in the room. He glances across his bed and suddenly notices there's a large hole that's been ripped right through the metal walls. Now how on Earth did that get there? Uh-oh. He turns around as a vengeful She-Hulk looms out of the shadows. She's here to discuss a certain murder. Bulldozer declares he won't discuss anything - he's gonna butt her right through the bulkhead!
She-Hulk prepared for his strength, however, noting that he could probably arm-wrestle Spider-Man… but that still leaves him small change compared to her. She smashes him across the room with a volleyball smash to the chin, then follows it up with a straight punch to the face. She declares she likes a fair fight - but not this time. It's not like they gave the Wasp one, after all! The rest of the Wrecking Crew stumble in on the fight soon after.
Some moments later, Titania discovers a series of huge holes that have been torn through the walls - someone didn't have time to take the doors. She follows the path of destruction and discovers a victorious She-Hulk punching out the Wrecker, with his crew spread out around them, also unconscious. Titania smiles, deciding that with the preliminaries out of the way, it's time for the main event!
She-Hulk recognizes Titania as 'Doom's muscle-woman', and she gets pissed off that nobody's using her chosen name, narrowly sailing over her new enemy's head with a vicious kick, before she's kicked in return and pinballs off the roof hard enough to break off a huge chunk of hanging equipment.
Never one to let big objects go unused, Titania snatches up the debris and uses it as a massive club, smacking She-Hulk aside with contemptuous ease. Soon enough Absorbing Man and Doctor Octopus join the fight, puzzled to find only one enemy present - from the din, they assumed it was an all-out attack! Absorbing Man notes that the Wrecking Crew look like they went through a gravel crusher, so she must be some sort of one-dame army! Titania tells them to stand back - this fight is hers! Absorbing Man apologizes, but admits he's in the mood for cracking Avengers heads, so he's not staying back…
In a distant chamber, the Enchantress is laying around by herself, listening to the sounds of battle and deducing that her allies are bludgeoning some poor fool to death. She briefly considers going to watch, but figures it would be a dull sport - instead she'll spend her time imagining Thor. She thought him dead before, but she's recently discovered he is still alive, and now her thoughts are once more all about seducing him, corrupting him, molding him into a consort for a Queen of Evil. Everything seems possible with eternity ahead - but will they have that? Are they destined to die with the mortal rabble? Even the lives of gods seem so fragile out here…
She's interrupted in her maudlin musings by a new noise - the main gate. Entering through that door is the bedraggled form of Victor von Doom, loose scraps of green cape hanging off a smoking armor that's seen better days. Enchantress demands to know what's happened, declaring that he's tied all their fates to his own, so he must speak. She needs to know the significance of what happened - what jeopardy has he put them all in? What are their plans, now that this one clearly didn't pan out? Doom tells her to do as she wants. He stumbles to a nearby bed, nearly tripping over his own feet. 'It is over… Finished.' He slumps down onto the mattress and is out like a light.
Elsewhere, we return to quite the horrific image - half a dozen villains assault a prone She-Hulk who can't defend herself anymore, their heavy weapons slamming down on her while Titania tells her to beg for mercy like a dog. Finally she stops moving, and Absorbing Man figures she's had it - it's over. Doc Ock wants to finish the job and kill her, and Titania happily concurs. 'All together now…' she declares, as we see a final shot from She-Hulk's perspective, looking up at all the villainous faces that are scowling down at her.
Hundreds of miles away, at Zsaji's village, we catch up with Captain America, who wonders what is up with Galactus. He finished his device hours ago, but then spent hours just standing around, before going back to tinkering with his device. He wonders if something about the planet changed to require these adjustments, and he's not sure why he doesn't just get on with it and end this eternal wait. Hawkeye approaches, to tell him that She-Hulk seems to be missing in action, as nobody's seen her all day. He figures they all know where she went - but they also know there's no way she can take on all the villains at once. She needs their help.
With all the other heroes gathered, Hulk tries to convince Cap to help his cousin, but he refuses to budge. His answer is no. He wonders if perhaps it should be put up to a vote, and Cap admits his heart would vote 'yes' in a minute - but too many innocent lives are at stake here. Many more than just the people on this planet, too - they've got a universe to consider! They don't, unfortunately, have the luxury of deciding such matters with their hearts.
Elsewhere in the village, the wounded Colossus limps through the streets, deciding he's had quite enough of lying around. He's out looking for Zsaji, of course, figuring with one more of her treatments he might be fit enough to work, and perhaps fight again. He spots the healer soon enough, coming from the hut where the Wasp's body is interred until burial at dawn - if there is a dawn. She doesn't look good, and Colossus catches her as she collapses in the street, pale and barely breathing. What's going on? What happened to her?
Back with Captain America, he receives a sudden telepathic message from Professor X. He explains that the X-Men and Magneto are stationed only a few miles away, and are willing and ready to help with whatever they need. He offers to take up the vigil over Galactus, so the other heroes can do what they must. If Galactus should act, he declares, the X-Men shall launch a counter strike immediately in their place! He begs Cap to take the offer, and the man with a plan accepts all too happily.
He turns to his fellow heroes, announcing that they should listen up, as the situation has changed. He'll get into the details later, but the gist of it is - their long wait is over, and it's time to get those butchers!'
To be continued...
Rating & Comments
This issue is, for the most part, another time-waster that just extends what's going on without really furthering the plot - or in some cases rendering parts of it dead ends. Its titular promise, though, is perhaps the biggest lie - this is not a comic that's remotely concerned with the new Spider-Woman. In fact, after the first few introductory panels that show her off, she basically disappears from anything but some late group shots - she's irrelevant to anything that's going on, and has no emotional connection with the apparently deceased Wasp to build on. Really, the only reason she ever shows up here is to advertise that she's around, for those who might be interested in buying the books where she's actually important. At least the presence of a suburb of Denver on Battleworld explains where Doom got the volunteers he turned into Volcana and Titania, so that's something.
If you thought Spider-Woman was ineffectual in this issue, you've seen nothing yet - as Big Good decides to sit on their ass, hanging around near Galactus' ankles waiting for Doomsday while other people are busy at work trying to prevent it. Captain America decides early on that anything is worth being there to potentially stop Galactus, and he doesn't budge on that even when villains come jeering through the streets with the body of a murdered colleague. It's consistent, I'll give him that, but it also leads to discontented heroes staring at walls for way too long.
The other big group of heroes, the X-Men, don't really have a much better time in this issue, although at least they get to do things. Somehow, despite having their full lineup available against only four villains, they manage to fail at their ambush so badly that not only do the villains get away scot-free with their injured colleague, but they also steal one of the heroes' transports in the bargain! That would be bad enough, I suppose, if not for Professor X's blatant lies in the wake of the battle. He declares that they worked together well, coalesced as a fighting unit, and proved themselves - but during the battle he lost control of his own abilities, which led to Storm getting captured! I'd say that's a pretty bad misstep to conveniently omit!
Honestly, the fact that everyone survived the conflict doesn't really make up for Xavier's deception, especially since they had such a numerical advantage and the villains were missing their biggest hitters. He's really talking up a non-accomplishment, which seems like a great way for overconfidence to fester. Storm seems to be on my wavelength here, observing that Professor X is not ready for battlefield leadership, no matter how much he wants to be. I suppose I do have to give him credit for the finale, as the X-Men finally decide to step out of the shadows and actually help their fellow heroes with something. It was about damn time after skulking around like thieves for several issues!
A somewhat stale subplot involves the interaction between Volcana and the Enchantress. The former clearly feels for Molecule Man, and seems to have a type that he falls neatly within - wimpy, needy mama's boys. That's apparently a consistent enough theme in her dates that Titania has picked up on it from their shared past in Denver, and it's heartening to see that despite her overt disapproval, she still cares for Volcana enough to back her up on this. Enchantress is enigmatic as ever, tricking a badly phrased promise out of Volcana and then mocking her for it later, all the while hanging around thinking dirty thoughts about Thor. I was amused that she heard someone getting beaten to death in the distance, but was too lazy to actually go check it out..
My favorite villain moment is most certainly the sequence involving Absorbing Man losing his arm to Wolverine's claws. His shock when it first happens is good, but his subsequent reaction of wielding his severed arm holding a weapon as its own weapon is just awesome, as is the nervous moment when he tries to figure out if he can put himself back together from broken parts. I'm surprised it's never come up before, but I suppose you don't regularly run into things that can cut through metal or rock like a knife through butter. At least they made it pretty clear that the reattachment is painful and tiring, which hopefully means it doesn't become a habit for writers to detach limbs from the guy who can recover from that sort of thing. It's a bit of a trend in fiction, that's why Wolverine and Deadpool are always getting maimed.
This issue is the first in this series in which Doctor Doom clearly loses, evidently failing at one of his ambitious pursuits in a fairly final way. The brief scene depicting his increasing desperation is pretty great, especially when he forcefully ignores the budding fear in his gut and intentionally misinterprets it so he can keep going. After spending two issues on the Worldship, Doom is disappointed to realize he's nowhere close to finding what he needs, and he simply runs out of luck. He gets punted home by Galactus, and I suppose we have to chalk it up to his genius that he arrives back merely burned and beaten, and not in a coffin. I can easily imagine what would have happened if basically anyone else got ejected bodily out of a spacecraft into the upper atmosphere of a planet. Heh.
With all that out of the way, we're left with the best sequence of the issue - She-Hulk's. Discontented with the heroes lack of revenge against the people who just murdered her best friend, Jen Walters goes on a solo rampage of rip-roaring revenge, literally tearing holes into walls with her bare hands to get at her targets. She focuses on the Wrecking Crew, most directly responsible for the demise of the Wasp, and completely decimates them. Titania is next in the first of many rivalry grudge matches between the two, and She-Hulk doesn't do too badly there either - it's not until Absorbing Man and Doc Ock join in that she really gets overwhelmed. Of course, when that happens, things go bad for the solo act… The final shots there weren't graphic, but certainly unsettling.
This is another decent comic, but there's nothing particularly amazing here that really grabs me. Spider-Woman is pointless, the heroes will only get to do stuff next issue, the X-Men pat themselves on the back for sucking, and while the villains get some decent moments in, they can't carry this story alone. She-Hulk is a definite plus, of course, but I feel like the other side of that scale would contain the lackluster Enchantress content and Captain America morosely looking at people while telling them 'No.' The series is spinning its wheels, spending time on random things until the next big story beat is supposed to happen, and I don't really care for fillers. Three stars!
Best Panel(s) of the Issue
I quite appreciate the art of this panel, including the graceful swoop of Storm flying in, Magneto's dramatic stride towards the aircraft, and Professor X's face half in shadow. It's just got a nice aesthetic going on, I suppose.
Most Gloriously Villainous Doom Quotes
"My armor's sensors have led me to prize after prize, hundreds or thousands of devices which, in the hands of as brilliant as myself, could provide power to conquer entire galaxies! Yet, all of them combined are not enough to defeat Galactus, let alone the Beyonder! There must be a way! Doom must be supreme! Too much time! How much longer can Galactus fail to sense my presence? Am I afraid? No! No, it is merely excitement! Fear is for lesser men! I - I shall press on!"
"Do as you will... It is over... Finished..."
Absorbin' Man Is Priceless
"Nice evasive ma-noovrin', Ock!"
"On second thought, a creampuff like you belongs with them losers!"
Doom's Bad Hair Day
Previous issues also had this problem, but in this comic it gets a bit silly just how stick-figure-shaped everything becomes when characters are at a distance. I'm especially appalled that they did this in a panel which depicts a villain cruelly abusing what they believe to be the dead body of a major character!
