Thanks, unfortunately I may have found another issue. Breaking through the wall is cool and all, but how did Subaru know the wall there was thin enough to drive through? Maybe the sonar was high fidelity enough that he could see how thin the wall was, or the wall had a hole too small to drive through but big enough to show how thin it was? Alternatively, I'm just overthinking things and this scene is covered by the MST3K mantra.
Don't Miss Your Deadline! (Manga Editor Quest)
- Thread starter zamin
- Start date
- Original Modern
GoukaRyuu
Shadow Cabal Made Man
- Location
- New Jersey
Maybe in all the world building of previous chapters we know this planet's, or at least this areas, stone is much more porous and is known to have areas that hollow out naturally over time.
Well, Vampire at least finally introduce the wife. But, huh, reusing the previous plot on top of being a shorter chapter... I can already imagine the comments.
Also...
Quite frankly, unless the guy get seriously better, I can already feel the axe coming for him. I really, really hope we don't have to rescue his chapter again when Subaru and Greatest Fake Teacher deserve our attention so much more.
Edit:
Also...
Quite frankly, unless the guy get seriously better, I can already feel the axe coming for him. I really, really hope we don't have to rescue his chapter again when Subaru and Greatest Fake Teacher deserve our attention so much more.
Edit:
Instead of breaking a wall, what about a small, dangerous tunnel that others don't pick because it's easy to crash into a wall? It can fit a ship, sure, but one false move and you're smearing yourself on a wall. Let Subaru show off his driving skills, maybe even have his ship get some damage from close calls as he recklessly drive to catch up to the lead?
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Bakkasama
There is always a greater fool
- Location
- Buenos Aires, Argentina
- Pronouns
- He/his
Ok, so about Subaru, how about this? The modification to the ship is actually inspired by a big predator that uses ultrasound to find prey. So Subaru originally uses it to map the area and find a shortcut that they have to navigate without it due to the mentioned energy drain. They soon find signs that the other racers are also taking the shortcut, which Kikki mentions it makes sense since they have the home field advantage. Subaru though notes that some of the ships are broken like something rendered, presumably the before mentioned predator. At first they are surprised that they were attacked, since they presumably would have avoided any nests with their knowledge of the area but Subaru realizes that if the predators can sense their own ultrasound to hunt, then they presumably can sense the pulse Subaru's ship sent and so they think that there are rivals encroaching on their territory. Subaru then proceeds to use the pulses to agitate the monsters into attacking all racers and wreck the underground changing the layout, which nullifies the home field advantage of knowing the paths while updating Subaru's map with every pulse.
Like it, a twisty narrow tunnel definitely sounds like a route where sonar beats night vision, especially if Kiki reads out the upcoming turns like a rally codriver. Only question is how to communicate to the reader how dangerous this path is. Maybe have a competitor note that Subaru's committing suicide by going down that path?
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I'm not sure about having other racers get attacked. And in the event tunnel/shortcut seems too much of a plot device, another option is just get reckless as he get past everyone on the main road, shaving off all the seconds he can.
Could work. They see him try that and they think he's dead already, given the fate of others that tried it.
Heck, extra suggestion for end of chapter: The audience applaud his courage and skills and then even the others racers do the same as they arrive, taking a liking to Subaru for his courage and mad skills even as his ship is banged up a fair bit. For next chapter, that could be used to have them chip in a bit to help repair it if needed. But meanwhile, the bad guy see all the praise and admiration NOT going to him and get mad enough to want revenge.
For Greatest Fake Teacher, I can think of a suggestion. Better as the plot is, it still seems to focus on normal school stuff. We could suggest to use the extra classes as a chance to show Kaito how much he picked up about magic himself and worldbuild about it a bit as he explain it to his students.
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overmind
Ruler of the Swarm
How about, instead of a Sonar Subaru has some kind of jet or Nitro propulsion that can give his vehicle the edge he needs, but he can only use it so many times before the whole vehicle breaks down (literally!). Let's say he can only use it three times, the first time he gets the edge, but then Karidok shows how age and experience trumps youth by using his knowledge of the caverns to slowly but surely getting neck to neck. Then Subaru uses the propulsion for a second time, but Karidok has learned and instead hooks or connects his vehicle with Subaru's so both are now intertwined. We an have some scenes of them fighting as they approach the finish line, Karidok disengages but also damages Subaru's vehicle and taking the lead. Subaru then has to make a final "Hail Mary" attempt; he starts the propulsion for the final time, and it shoots him forward over the finish line, but his ride is totaled, or it's destroyed before it. So Subaru and Kiki go through the finish line without a vehicle.
What do you think?
What do you think?
Wrong context. It's already established the issue is vision, not speed. Nitro just better the odds of Subaru to crash here, so save that idea for another race.
zamin
The Watcher in the Dark
Maeda only gets 'I Was Summoned Into Another World, But Instead of Being The Hero I'm The Demon General's Advisor!' next week:
- Location
- Somewhere else
Maybe at the beginning of the chapter, have the wife go over in her head her husband's suspicious behavior, like his web searches, his sudden exercise routine and weight loss, etc. If she's mulling over that while grocery shopping, it'll be fresh in her mind when she sees him sneaking around.
Bakkasama
There is always a greater fool
- Location
- Buenos Aires, Argentina
- Pronouns
- He/his
Yeah, this sounds better for Subaru. If the walls cut line of sight, night vision is not going to be as useful and thus he can make up for lost time. THAT SAID, if we go this route we should probably suggest a way to draw that kind of thing, since dynamic art will determine a lot of how that is taken by the public.
It could work, but Aoki wanted to make a shorter chapter. Recap doesn't work for that since he doesn't have the technology to reuse past chapter scenes in his apartment.
For GFT, it is kind of weird that they pile up so much on the new teacher since he also has to prepare the finals. Maybe the headmistress offers to him in private to prepare his exam so that they can keep his secret but asks him to do that extra stuff since she will be busier doing what is supposed to be his job. It could garner some sympathy from the other teachers since as far as they know, he is doing those on top of preparing the exam.
As for the exam room being an anti magic field... like, it makes sense and it is a clear setup for the MC to notice that the students are using non-magical cheating methods that he knows off from his previous life, but it does feel like it is a wasted opportunity to show off all the cool ways that you can cheat with magic.
She said nothing about a full recap. This can all be done on a single panel by simply choosing direct language, which makes sense anyway if she's thinking in her own head.
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- Location
- Somewhere else
She, but yes, this could be done in a panel by the wife listing (without illustrating) suspicious activity while in a grocery store. Come to think of it, wouldn't it be funny if she left the groceries at the store to follow her husband, and realized that she forgot them at the end of the chapter?
- Location
- Right next to the butcher's shop.
This is pretty good, maybe we can add something like the power running out just as they near the finish line, causing them to crash over the finish line, winning off remaining kinetic energy. That way, we get to add more ambiguous damage with them rising from the dustcloud of the crash to celebrate the win, and the ship remains mostly in the smoke. This also gives a running countdown during the race, with an increasingly lower number counting down the battery they have left. Adding timers adds to the suspense, ideally.
The teacher plot seems fine-ish, I'm not fond of it but can't think of a better way to do it.
The daughter plot seems okay enough given the number of pages, although there doesn't seem to be a point to the suspicion. What does the wife suspect her husband of? Cheating? What do they say to the cops? Needs more details.
- Location
- Leeds
Aha a low labour week where we can spare the focus to save daughter manga.
mmmm, oh one hand, having a family where they generally all have the same motivation is liable to get stale. If the wife is just following out of curiosity rather that suspicion that adds more diversity to the range of characters. On the other hand, the guy gets a benefit for writing inspiration from people he knows, if he doesn't have someone to fill that position...
Like I said, one idea to enhance it is to give some explanations about magic now that some lore can fit easy. And show what Kaito learned himself as he still has to pretend he's a great mage and is probably cramming on that himself.
Bakkasama
There is always a greater fool
- Location
- Buenos Aires, Argentina
- Pronouns
- He/his
Husband got arrested at the end of lest chapter and this one follows its plot from a different perspective.
ziizo
Lazily Lurking
So I read the disscussion and these seem to be more agreed on things (or at least the ones nobody oppossed) so I compiled them for an opinion.
[][Fake Teacher] Accept as is (give Yuzuki an extra reroll)
Or
[][Fake Teacher] Change a few things
-[] Maybe have a mention about how the headmistress offered to prepare his exam so that they can keep his secret but asks him to do that extra stuff since she will be busier doing what is supposed to be his job.
--[] Maybe using the tutoring to expand on how the magic of the setting works, limitations and requiriments of it, origin (or theories about it's origins), etc.
[][Space Racer] Change a few things
-[] What if the shorcut is a know thing just considered too dangerous?. It maybe has a lot of a Light Absorbing mineral and it's too dark for even the Juva to see or the Short-cut is too narrow and twisty so the echolocation mapping allows Subaru to go at an speed that would be suicidal if using only vision.
--[] This could lead to the audience applauding his courage and skills and then even the others racers do the same. Which increase/justify Karidok anger/jealousy.
---[] If you want more tension you could add something like the power running out near the end, causing them to crash over the finish line, winning off remaining kinetic energy. This also gives a running countdown during the race, with an increasingly lower number counting down the battery they have left. Adding timers adds to the suspense.
[][Vampire] Change a few things
-[] Maybe something should distract the wife and she misses the cops part (like the cops distracted Aoki from his daughter), like a pushy salesman or she accidentaly drops her groceries and we see Aoki trying to escape from the police in the background.
If all suggestion pass it would be using 4 of 5 suggestions (and the 2 free suggestions).
[][Fake Teacher] Accept as is (give Yuzuki an extra reroll)
Or
[][Fake Teacher] Change a few things
-[] Maybe have a mention about how the headmistress offered to prepare his exam so that they can keep his secret but asks him to do that extra stuff since she will be busier doing what is supposed to be his job.
--[] Maybe using the tutoring to expand on how the magic of the setting works, limitations and requiriments of it, origin (or theories about it's origins), etc.
[][Space Racer] Change a few things
-[] What if the shorcut is a know thing just considered too dangerous?. It maybe has a lot of a Light Absorbing mineral and it's too dark for even the Juva to see or the Short-cut is too narrow and twisty so the echolocation mapping allows Subaru to go at an speed that would be suicidal if using only vision.
--[] This could lead to the audience applauding his courage and skills and then even the others racers do the same. Which increase/justify Karidok anger/jealousy.
---[] If you want more tension you could add something like the power running out near the end, causing them to crash over the finish line, winning off remaining kinetic energy. This also gives a running countdown during the race, with an increasingly lower number counting down the battery they have left. Adding timers adds to the suspense.
[][Vampire] Change a few things
-[] Maybe something should distract the wife and she misses the cops part (like the cops distracted Aoki from his daughter), like a pushy salesman or she accidentaly drops her groceries and we see Aoki trying to escape from the police in the background.
If all suggestion pass it would be using 4 of 5 suggestions (and the 2 free suggestions).
- Location
- Somewhere else
Thanks for laying these suggestions out! I think the ones for Fake Teacher and Subaru-kun are fine, but I'm not sure about the one for Vampire; something just seems off. What if we changed it a bit, as in:
[][Vampire] Change a few things
-[] Have the wife mentally reflect on her husband's strange behavior, either at the beginning of the chapter or as she's following him.
-[] Have the wife follow while carrying her groceries around for a comedic effect.
We only have 40 editor points this week, so we really need to max out our suggestions.
That wording is not exactly the best. Given what happened last time, how about we don't sound too indecisive on what is the idea with the shortcut?
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- Location
- Somewhere else
How about:
-[] What if the shortcut is a known thing that is just considered too dangerous, such as it's too narrow and twisty, so the echolocation mapping allows Subaru to go at an speed that would be suicidal if using only vision.
Instead of the suggestion of showing the audience applauding Subaru-kun's skill, instead suggest:
-[] Have rusted, broken racers litter the ground of the shortcut, to better illustrate the danger our protagonists are in.
-[] What if the shortcut is a known thing that is just considered too dangerous, such as it's too narrow and twisty, so the echolocation mapping allows Subaru to go at an speed that would be suicidal if using only vision.
Instead of the suggestion of showing the audience applauding Subaru-kun's skill, instead suggest:
-[] Have rusted, broken racers litter the ground of the shortcut, to better illustrate the danger our protagonists are in.
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