KnownParadox
Not a sphere
- Location
- Canada
Let's see if we can't bring a camera with us next time we Turn and hope it just doesn't record a blank void, or worse, Something inside a blank nothingness
- Location
- Canada
I think she's feeling Gravity Waves and can manipulate the same
Ginger Maniac
Subject to Gravity
- Location
- Old Blighty
Oh dear. Total sensory deprivation is known to start at 'disturbing' and get worse from there, and Amy just got dropped right into it without a shred of warning or expectation.
Good thing she was already sitting down, because she wouldn't have been stood up for long afterwards.
If interstellar teleportation isn't Amy's Talent, it'll only be because she can do more on top as well.
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Stasis
Unverified Lotus
- Location
- Milky Way, Earth
Well... that worked out well! Exciting things are exciting.
Something about Void maybe? We going all Shiki on the Root?
The chapter is called 90°, and Amy's 'smallest action' was 'turning'.
Turning on the dimensional axis? Something something centre of the universe something? Do we control the Axis Mundi? It's quite possible stars forming isn't actually beyond Amy's reach.
Regardless, exciting stuff is exciting.
Something about Void maybe? We going all Shiki on the Root?
The chapter is called 90°, and Amy's 'smallest action' was 'turning'.
Turning on the dimensional axis? Something something centre of the universe something? Do we control the Axis Mundi? It's quite possible stars forming isn't actually beyond Amy's reach.
Regardless, exciting stuff is exciting.
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Thanks for pointing out the '90°' bit, I hadn't actually noticed.
I shall now proceed to link things that for myself amount to words of false comprehension: Spin (physics) because it's the only thing I could think of off-hand that involves the kind of physical interactions needed here, and has any conceptual correspondence to angular degrees. It might be relevant that a spin-2 particle has a 180-degree rotation cycle to the same quantum state, and gravitons are spin-2 particles, I don't know. I don't know anything.
Discuss.
I shall now proceed to link things that for myself amount to words of false comprehension: Spin (physics) because it's the only thing I could think of off-hand that involves the kind of physical interactions needed here, and has any conceptual correspondence to angular degrees. It might be relevant that a spin-2 particle has a 180-degree rotation cycle to the same quantum state, and gravitons are spin-2 particles, I don't know. I don't know anything.
Discuss.
ImperatorV
The Laughing One
- Location
- The Voyaging Realm
Hmm... I seem to remember some explanation about gravity involving heavy balls resting on a cloth sheet representing space-time, creating depressions that were the gravity wells... I'm thinking Amara can manipulate the fabric of the space-time continuum. That would explain the gravity-sensing, and the sensory deprivation (she stepped, or turned, straight out of space-time. Or just conventional space. No wonder Amy started losing it). Depending on the physics involved, things could get pretty trippy with this power.
I'm not really familiar with Quantum Mechanics. This sounds plausible I guess? I don't know what the applications of such would be.
I'm not really familiar with Quantum Mechanics. This sounds plausible I guess? I don't know what the applications of such would be.
Well assuming my public school system education hasn't failed me, I feel I can safely say that Amy is performing witchcraft and about half the posters in the thread are speaking in tongues.
RyubosJ
Person that hates Mega Evolutions.
- Location
- UK
Kets, Bras, and we want to remove the Bras. Yep checks out.
Mother Nyx
Mother of Elpis
- Location
- The Kei Klub
- Pronouns
- She/Her
- Location
- United States of America
I think you did an excellent job with portraying the interactions between the characters in the story. It feels natural and it flows well. The new characters introduced seem to have lives outside of helping the MC, which is incredibly important in developing the world outside of the MC's perception. It was a nice touch regarding the bio-nano coding to give cool aesthetics to individual people.
The portraying of the blackness was well done, as well as a person's response back in reality. Amy is a teenager, and being exposed to absolute existential nothingness is not something that a teenager is normally well equipped to handle. Her checking out and just sitting there after the experience is probably the best choice for her reaction.
There are a couple of things, however, which I think were mentioned last chapter, which could use some improvement. Specifically, the details of the background that they are in. There are some good examples, specifically regarding the walls of windows in some classrooms and the glowing, white-walled room, but for the most part... I have no clue how the University actually looks.
Is it made of metal? Stone? Gothic architecture? Modern architecture? Some weird conglomeration of western and eastern styles? Are the doors metal? Wood? Stone? Is it designed to impress newcomers or to understate the universities achievements? Do they have grassy common areas? Is it different grass that Amy wouldn't be used to? Or imported grass from Earth?
I'm imagining a conglomeration of different universities I've been to and that might not be what your envisioning. I'm thinking the doors are wood, the floors are laminate, the walls are stone, and the interior architecture is more modern and cost-efficient. All in all, a more utilitarian set up then this university might be using.
Now, on to some more wild speculation regarding powers!
First off,
It's time to use the hints!
I wasn't able to find a "McCafferey" but I do know of a "McCaffrey." Now I know of, and have read, a lot of Anne McCaffrey's work. Amy's experience most closely resembles, as far as I can recall, a specific ability from the series "Dragonriders of Pern." In short, the Dragons have the ability to go to a place called, and correct me if I'm wrong, "the in-between." Essentially, the Dragons can go to a place that is in between "here and there" and use it to teleport (among... other crazy shenanigans).
There are some similarities between the two. A total sense of blackness, no scent, no sound, a feeling of "wrongness." However, there are distinct differences as well. The Dragons still possess a sense of touch, and there is a pervasive sense of cold with the heat sapping from the body. In addition, there is no "thing below" and "thing beyond" for the Dragons. Also, Dragons need strong visuals to go "in-between" or... they don't come out. Or they come out in the wrong area, like inside a wall or a cliff or a mountain.
Those are some clear differences for Amy. No visuals were needed, total sensory deprivation, no sense of cold, and Amy could feel the "thing below" and the "thing Beyond." It seems, as others have pointed out, to be pointing in the direction that "things" are celestial bodies.
I haven't read anything by Greg Egan, but I did take a quick stroll through Wikipedia to see what it has to say about his work. A lot of his work appears to discuss what reality is, what conscience is, and the effects of tranhumanism on society. It seems that some of his ideas might have been incorporated into the background of this story, especially regarding the advent of semi-AIs, and genetic and pseudo-mechanical modifications to people. I can't say for certain which story of his influenced Amy's power, if any did, and so I'm going to simply have to go from my knowledge of McCaffrey's works.
There are the "not sounds" around Amy when she "turns" and uses her talent, as well as the crushing weight of being there. Both of which imply sensation (at least hearing and touch) but that Amy said didn't exist for her. So, some sort of extraordinary sensory effect to make the most sense of what is happening? And then there is the question if Amy ever left the room at all or if it was just her senses and mentality that "turned."
She could have just been sitting there for a split second before ripping off the headband and checking out. So whether it is her body that is interacting with her power or simply her mind/mentality that interacts with her power.
I guess we will learn more next update, but it seems like Amy can interact with primordial forces of gravity and celestial bodies, possibly higher dimensions, but whatever it is, I'm sure it will be amazing!
- Location
- a Far and Sunless Land
- Pronouns
- She/Her/Complicated
I've always thought that this explanation made no sense. If gravity is a result of the "balls" pressing into the "cloth", what is causing them to press in the first place?
PAGDTenno
Verified Warmind. Probably on fire.
- Location
- South Carolina
It's a metaphor. The presence of mass distorts the "fabric" of spacetime. Or in other words, the "balls" press themselves into the "cloth".
If we knew the answer to that, we'd be in a new era of physics. The closest we have to an answer is, I believe, String Theory, but last I heard we were still centuries away from being able to test it, due to the enormous energy requirements. Regardless, the ball on a mattress analogy isn't meant to explain the function of gravity, but the effect. It's actually a really good description of how gravity interacts with spacetime, minus the time travel bit, which is a little more complicated than a ball and a mattress can be expected to explain. Seriously, if you come up with an analogy that accurately describes the function of gravity as well as the effect, I know several physicists and mathematicians in my university that would sell you their firstborn to hear it.
As for the last chapter, I think the thing I hate most about it is the fact that now I have to wait for the next one. I am surprisingly hyped about a story I was expecting to drop by now. Hopefully the next section lives up to it. I do hope we get some deeper characterization soon, though. I've got a sense of Amy's background, but her personality, not so much. She seems cheerful in the face of moderate adversity, at least, which I appreciate more than I can express. The emo-ness of characters like Ender or Frodo or even Harry Potter has always been difficult for me to slog through (assuming I did get through, stupid trilogy, stupid phoenix cult). I always end up liking the weird characters instead, like Bean, Bilbo, or Luna. Not to say that a little angst isn't enjoyable now and then, but I need to see a character enjoy life before I can enjoy seeing it taken away. Or at least be stubborn enough to say 'Fuck you, life! I'll burn your house down with lemons!' like a Bean or Bilbo would.
Obviously part of Amy's personality is being forged by the players, but I like the way you're interpreting it through her reactions, e.g. being mature enough to think through a difficult, life altering decision, or keeping her head about her in the face of censure by a senior. It's not technically what you'd usually expect of a thirteen year old, but if I wanted normal I'd go outside. Of course, given the more freeform nature of this quest, I don't know how long this budding personality will last. The hive-mind can sometimes have all the human empathy of a Great Old One obsessed with romantic shenanigans. Hilarious, but not in keeping with a thirteen year old girl (minus the romantic shenanigans, those are perfectly normal and I encourage them gleefully). Anyway, I hope you've got a plan for developing her character. Like an arc, though that's not technically necessary to have a fully fleshed out character.
(I do think it strange that a thirteen year old was both allowed and expected to sign a legally binding waiver, but I'll just put it down to her being a Talent and thus allowed certain responsibilities. I love the Mccaffrey references, by the way.)
- Location
- a Far and Sunless Land
- Pronouns
- She/Her/Complicated
It's still pretty weird, a metaphor to explain gravity that uses gravity as a part of the metaphor. But still, thanks for explaining; maybe in a few decades there will be a better explanation (or maybe I should study physics so I could understand a less metaphorical explanation).
- Location
- Minnesota
Is Haeld the only planet in the the system and if not, will Amy be able to sense the other planets as well?
TLDR: Simple analogies are not meant to accurately convey complex topics, but rather give you a basic feeling for the subject, and, upon rereading the previous entries, I retract my earlier statement where I suggested Amy hasn't had sufficient characterization.
Really, I think your problem is that you're trying to get a moderately detailed explanation from an analogy that was almost certainly dumbed down to the bare bones in order to make it easily understood by people in the media and congress. If you want a more complex explanation, the best way I can think to describe it is to separate the idea of up and down from the xyz coordinates that humans exist within. Basically, without gravity, three dimensional space is like the flat surface of a bed. You can move over it, in two dimensions on the surface of the bed and three in space, but there is no concept of up and down. It doesn't exist, just like in orbit you don't have gravity(sort of, you're falling so it feels like it's gone) to provide you with a typical sense of up and down. To reiterate, without gravity, there would be no up or down, unless you arbitrarily decided on it, and it would still be meaningless.
Adding gravity back in, however, causes anything with mass to make a dent in space. On the surface of the bed, it's affecting two dimensions, but in space it's affecting three. On the bed, gravity has added another dimension(not sure if that's the best word to use here, bear with me), that takes the xy space on the surface and stretches it in the z coordinate. But, if you were a two dimensional creature living on the surface of the bed, you wouldn't be able to conceptualize a third dimension as anything other than a mathematical formula. You simply would not have evolved the capacity to understand z. But, what you do know is that, as the ball presses into the bed, you accelerate in the xy coordinates. To your two dimensional self, you're falling 'down' towards the ball. Gravity has added the concept of up and down to two dimensional space, without otherwise changing the perception of the creatures that live there. It's the same for us here in three dimensional space. We don't sense space curving, but we can sense the acceleration it adds to our mass. We accelerate in three dimensions because space is curving in another--again, I'm not sure dimension is the best word, but I'll use it here. We can't sense space curving, but we can sense the acceleration the curve adds to our mass.
To further explain why this analogy of the ball and bed is used, think of a shell that has a spiral formation. If you were to study it, you would find that the mathematical principles behind its form are shockingly similar to the spiral shape our galaxy takes. The phenomena that cause each of them are wildly different, but if I were to point to a shell and say, 'the galaxy is shaped like that' you would be able to get a basic sense of what I meant. Same with the ball and bed. The phenomena are wildly different, but the logic is shockingly similar, just add a dimension from two to three. Physicists just skip the longer explanation because the media can't think in anything other than five minute sound bites, at most, and basic science is always in danger of being underfunded if they can't make themselves understood by the politicians.
As a final disclaimer, I switched majors after finishing Engineering Physics 2 (which even then I only did out of sheer, idiotic stubbornness, not that I regret it), and the only thing Physics professors like more than an elegant analogy is explaining to their students just how out of date what they're teaching you is. Physics 1 was largely Newtonian Physics and friction and gravity as a force and not a curvature of space and the like, which was invented 300 years ago, and Physics 2 was mostly circuit theory, light, magnetism and such, so we didn't really do more than acknowledge that we'd be using Newton's stuff as a crutch to get to the more complex Einsteinian topics later, which, again, I switched majors to CompSci and thus never took them. So please don't take my word here as anything other than a slightly educated layperson who's done a bit of personal study. I might know a bit of the necessary math, but I haven't the tools to practically apply it, so I've largely stuck to the logic, rather than the full mathematical explanation, which means it's very possible I'm oversimplifying or missing something. If you're curious, just look around with Google, or check out the wikipedia page. Warning: I'm pretty sure the science and math wiki pages are run by actual doctorates with too much time on their hands, so don't be surprised if they throw bewildering mathematical symbols and terms at you that look like so much nonsense. Honestly, I've never used wikipedia to study my math or physics, so think of it as a jumping off point rather than your go to explanation like it is for many other subjects.
Moving on to the story critique!
Now that the latest update has finally managed to spark my imagination, I've been rereading the previous entries. I admit I kind of skimmed over them on the first go as I wasn't sold on the concept. Reading them more fully has made me revise my thinking quite a bit about Amy's personality being dull and unexplored.
When we first see Amy interacting with her parents, she's a bit of a brat. Not unusual for a thirteen year old, but on the surface not particularly special or interesting beyond her Talent. Standard boilerplate teen. However, there were a few things that caught my attention. One, Amy's oddball humor and her determination to cheerfully solve problems as quickly and in the most interesting way as possible(going to the University for testing, finding a telekinetic to help with her room) seems to be her mother's influence(I know players chose that, but the QM let us, so it's clearly not outside of what the QM considers her personality). That's fairly interesting, especially her creative solutions to obstacles, and her overall cheerful rather than petulant attitude towards problems. On first blush, it almost appears that both her parents are worryingly permissive. Letting her sleep in when she needs to be ready to leave. Letting her decide herself on lifechanging decisions like her innertech and the biomods. Honestly, if this were the case I'd think she was just a spoiled brat. However, the instant something went wrong, with her health being compromised, Amy immediately dropped the whining attitude she'd sported earlier and took the situation seriously, leaning on what her parents(mostly her father) had taught her. That does not strike me as someone who's been excessively spoiled and had everything done for her.
Looking back earlier to the sleeping in incident, I decided it felt less like her parents were being permissive, and more like they were expecting maturity. They didn't wake her up, even though they knew she desperately wanted to be up early, and they didn't mention that she'd slept in, either. They waited for Amy to realize the time and take responsibility for her actions of staying up late when she should have been in bed. Which, despite some grumbling, she did, and she managed to make it on time despite her mistake. If it were me raising a child who was about to go off and be almost completely independent, I wouldn't be too keen on babying them right before they left. I'd want them to prove that they could fend for themselves responsibly. Given her reaction to her medical situation, I'd wager this was a general parenting philosophy, rather than a last minute change right before she left. She's clearly used to reacting independently when something goes wrong. The trip to Minneapolis could have been a part of this strategy. It clearly affected her deeply, and her parents made no attempt to shield her from it. That could be a sign of emotional neglect, but, given Amy's attitude and her parents' otherwise loving attitudes, I think it's more an expectation of maturity.
The waiver that let Amy decide if she wanted the mods or not was interesting, too. From what's been stated, I didn't get the sense that people are violently opposed to people significantly modding themselves. But neither does it seem to be without stigma, either. I know a lot of parents would never let their child make such a decision, and some children have been so coddled that they absolutely shouldn't be given the responsibility. But it seems possible Amy's parents believe she's mature enough to make the decision for herself, which is an interesting interpretation. It could also be like I said before that Talents are automatically given more rights and responsibilities, which would explain why the professor was okay with Amy signing the waiver for herself. Angie is an interesting data point as her parents seemed less permissive about things like mods, until they learned she was a Talent and she was selected to receive training, at which point they relented.
So, all in all, On the negative side, Amy can be a bit petulant here and there. She had a few sour thoughts about her parents and about being in the wheelchair, which is normal. She can be a bit too brash, which can bite her in the ass a bit because she can get herself into situations where her shy side isn't prepared to deal with it. I'm speaking specifically of her handling of the university people. She started brash but whiplashed back to shy when she realized she didn't know how to interact with them.
On the positive side, she's fairly outgoing, and thoughtful of other people. She reassured Angie when the girl confided in her. She didn't let her sour thoughts about being in the wheelchair spoil her first meeting with her roommate. She's creative, able to think of interesting solutions to problems, but not so arrogant that she expects people to do what she says just because. If anything she's maybe a bit too mature for a thirteen year old. I might actually like to see a little more insecurity here and there. She does have the standard spacebattles protagonist humor that so many main characters on these sorts of forums share, especially in the quests I've read, but if I'm honest I kind of like that Ash Williams' style of witty idiocy. And it's subtle enough to refrain from falling completely onto the cracky side some authors go for. It feels more stylistic than crack, but that's just an opinion.
Really, now that I've got what I think may be a better handle on her character, and given the nature of the last update, I've got to wonder if the QM is going for a break the cutie trope. The sanity and stress meter makes me think this could easily go that route. Which, frankly, given the character, could be interesting. Huh. Now I'm even more hyped than I was before.
Or maybe I'm completely off base here. Given that this is a quest at least some of Amy's personality rests in the players hands, and that can have ... let's call it 'interesting' effects on a character's developing personality. Hopefully the author has a good plan for this. Regardless, I do want to retract my earlier statement that I thought Amy didn't have a well defined character. Sure, her character is a bit unformed in parts, but I think her age explains that pretty well. I'm certainly looking forward to seeing that SAN stat decay.
Hmm, I seemed to have written a lot. Better put up a TLDR.
ensou
Magical G̶i̶r̶l̶ Servant Mordred-chan
- Location
- NEW YORK CITY!??
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Haeld is technically HD40307g. It's the only planet we've found in the Goldilocks region in the system, and I've held off mentioning any moons so far due to inexperience and lack of knowledge over the sorts of ecological impacts having fewer/greater than one substantial moon-like object would create.
Edit: There are other planets, but I'm considering Haeld itself and Haeld's star to be the two most prominent gravitational bodies noticeable from within Haeld's gravity well. The moon, as I've said, is undetermined.
Probably the most comprehensive analysis I've seen so far on anything I've written, so thank you! Have an internet cookie.
And there are some weird laws about in-loco-parentis and underage legal independence with schools hosting a child that has neither parent on-planet with them. Amy's parents are, in general, highly encouraging of Amy to try and solve problems on her own and to come to her own conclusions first before anything else, not coddling her if she makes mistakes but still being there to help her up if she needs it.
As such, they have a relatively strong faith in her ability to make level headed decisions for herself, otherwise they probably would not have been as okay agreeing to let her go to this school on a whole other planet on her own only a week after finding out she's Talented.
Thematically, my stories and narratives tend to feature a great deal of inner conflict, both psychological and social, often times created by the character themself as they struggle to reconcile their worldview and beliefs with reality and things they experience. Amy's unlikely to be excluded from that.
That's not to say that there won't be external conflict, but that it often also intertwines or synergizes with that internal conflict.
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Of course, I'm glad you liked it. Literary analysis may be one of the most useless talents I honed in college, but I do admit it's a fun hobby to try to derive meaning from something you like or dislike. And I thought it was fair play seeing as I'd given you some stupid advice previously. This is usually why I don't bother with it, anymore. You're doing this for free so in the end the person whose opinion and enjoyment of the piece matters most is yours (with the caveat that this is a quest, of course).
Oh, and I realize you wanted some feedback on Amy's reaction to her power last chapter, but I really didn't have much to say other than I liked it. At best I could tell you why I like it, which is completely subjective, but I'll give it a go anyway.
One of the things I hate in storytelling is when the author tries to force the characters' emotions on the reader or viewer or player too quickly. A good example of that for me would be the game NieR:Automata. The prologue takes something like twenty minutes to beat, very little of which is dialogue, but within that time you have 2B go from barely acknowledging her comrades destruction to being incredibly emotional over 9S' sacrifice. It was jarring. I didn't care about the characters yet. I didn't see why the characters themselves, who'd just met, would care about each other. The dramatic beats felt less emotional and more like histrionic melodrama. Which was too bad, as I very much wanted to like the characters, but I just needed time to grow to like them before I could give a fuck whether they died or not. I know, as a hobbyist writer, it's easy to rush into the emotional beats right away because you love the characters and you want to get to the good stuff right away. But I feel it's better to either start small and work your way up to the big stuff, or recognize that your readers aren't likely to be invested right away in your characters experiences. The beginning of a story is the hook, not the climax.
And that's what I like about the last chapter here. I'm not going to pretend Amy is my favorite character. While I definitely have the sense I could like her, I need more than the few thousand words we've been given here to feel anything about her. But--and here's the but--Amy's cheerful attitude and her dazed and overwhelmed reaction to sparking her Talent are interesting without feeling forced. She's friendly and cheerful. I can identify with that. She momentarily loses that cheer when something unpleasant happens. I can identify with that, too. There are no melodramatic declarations, no unearned climactic moments. The other characters who barely know her aren't wailing over her experience. It was just a cheerful, headstrong girl that had the fear of god put into her, if you'll forgive the turn of phrase (I'm an atheist, not the god police). The emotional beats are small and real enough that I didn't feel like you were expecting me to be sad or care(which, like I said, I don't yet), but it was still impactful enough that it caught my interest. I'm not in love with your character, I'm interested in your character. In my experience, I need the latter before you get the former, and being able to relate to a character in little ways really helps when you want me to relate to them in the big ones.
This is why fanfiction is so much easier than real fiction, I feel. If someone is reading your story, it's likely they already care about the characters, which means the writer can jump straight to the climax without worrying about doing the heavy lifting. It's also why I think most OCs are so reviled. Fanfic writers try to write them the same way as canon characters, expecting people to just like them because the writer likes them, and it never works out because people are there to see characters they already know they love, not take a risk on learning a new character that has had no effort put into fleshing them out.
As far as how the sparking event worked mechanically, I can't really say until I know for sure what it was about, but I did like that it was fairly short and didn't try to belabor the point. It jumped in, threw a few light jabs, then jumped out.
That's pretty much it. Obviously, this is just one person's opinion. Some people like characters that wear their hearts on their sleeves, even if to absurd levels. Nothing wrong with that, but I'm glad you haven't gone that route here.
I was vaguely interested and did some rough number crunching. On earth, the strongest influence is the earth, at ~10 m/s of acceleration. the sun is about 5.3e^-3 m/s and the moon is in the 10^-5 m/s range. Earth's moon is fairly large and relatively close to the planet, so you could easily ballpark any moons of Haeld an order of magnitude lower. Depending on what sort of solar system you have and where they are in their particular orbits the other planets would likely be somewhere between the values for the sun and moon when close and below the moon when far. Humans experience sensory input logarithmically though, so if Amy can feel both Haeld and the star she would likely be able to feel some or all of the major planetary bodies in the solar system with a bit of practice if she took her time and focused.
In other feedback bits, you've done quite well in depicting Amy's minor panic attack, as well as assorted other things in general. The only bit I found odd after skimming things over is that there are a few hints that Amy's internal narrative paints her as a sort of no-nonsense middle class child, but her parents behave and have clearly raised Amy in the fashion of those a fair bit wealthier than that, sort of lower end upper class people. It's hard to tell whether this is deliberate and Amy's family is significantly wealthier than she thinks they are or if my internal reckoning of wealth is inaccurate here or even if Amy is just particularly conscientious about budgeting and saving.
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I guess the red cross didn't make it through the war then.
Really?! To google. Ah 6 by 12 ish meters. About twice the size of my room at uni. Also room mates, do they actually do that anywhere or is it just a literary trope?
PAGDTenno
Verified Warmind. Probably on fire.
- Location
- South Carolina
Yes. Most universities have two beds to a dorm room, or you can pay extra for a private bedroom.
What county is that? Here, in the UK, one to a room is the norm. Though we do have quite a few to a flat, a linked corridor a rooms with a kitchen, showers etc.