Remove ads

A Song in the Fog [REBOOTED]

Reader mode
I'm feeling the need to go back and clean up the first arc at some point. Parts 1 to 4 are especially really rushed to me and don't set up the Reyvateil reveal very well at all. I can blame that on the fact that I had no real plans for the story at that point and didn't choose to bring Ar Tonelico in until I posted the reveal chapter.

The way I just flew through those early parts looks poor to me and doesn't introduce the story very well, in my opinion.
 
Last edited:
Einsig said:
I'm feeling the need to go back and clean up the first arc at some point. Parts 1 to 4 are especially really rushed to me and don't set up the Reyvateil reveal very well at all. I can blame that on the fact that I had no real plans for the story at that point and didn't choose to bring Ar Tonelico in until I posted the reveal chapter.

The way I just flew through those early parts looks poor to me and doesn't introduce the story very well, in my opinion.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Go ahead, Einsig. Do what you feel is needed. At least the story isn't too long yet?

...Also, could you add an index of some sort? I just realized you seem to lack one.
 
Mizu said:
*checks*
So there is. Whoops. I must not have seen them, as the first two posts weren't included. That's what I get for being in a rush, I suppose.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

I added them to the threadmarks a minute ago, but yeah. I didn't think I needed to threadmark them because they were all posted in sequence together before anyone else could reply to the thread.

Perhaps I do need a beta though. Not for spellchecks, because I proofread myself nearly perfectly most of the time. Subject matter, pacing, characterization, thing like that.
 
Last edited:
Einsig said:
Perhaps I do need a beta though. Not for spellchecks, because I proofread myself nearly perfectly most of the time. Subject matter, pacing, characterization, thing like that.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
I can't really help you out there. I'm good for spellchecking alone, far as my beta skills go. Why not recruit Quickshot and Baughn?
 
Einsig said:
I'm feeling the need to go back and clean up the first arc at some point. Parts 1 to 4 are especially really rushed to me and don't set up the Reyvateil reveal very well at all. I can blame that on the fact that I had no real plans for the story at that point and didn't choose to bring Ar Tonelico in until I posted the reveal chapter.

The way I just flew through those early parts looks poor to me and doesn't introduce the story very well, in my opinion.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Ya the ability to turn off her emotions entirely and walk around on autopilot is really weird when later revelations are taken in consideration. Maybe shorten that period and have her exploring with her emotions?
 
Or maybe have her decide she needs a break/to clear her head and tries to turn off her emotions like she did before... only to discover that she can't. Que minor (or not so minor) freakout as she tries to figure out what's going on.
 
Einsig said:
Perhaps I do need a beta though. Not for spellchecks, because I proofread myself nearly perfectly most of the time. Subject matter, pacing, characterization, thing like that.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Sure, I'll beta, I may have the writing commitment of a flea, but I'm told to be pretty good at pacing and all.
 
Something I'm feeling the need to do is eventually remove the SI element of the story. Because to be honest, Hana is becoming less of an SI with every chapter.

I have no intention of pulling a full-blown Catalyst.exe though.

I have done a bit of a rework of part 1. I think it' a better intro now. Part 2 is the one I think will be the most annoying to rewrite.
 
Good luck rewriting! I'll admit Hana has exhibited a few traits I don't think~ you possess, but then again I don't really know you enough to say.
 
To be completely honest, by the time Hana named herself it was kind of obvious that the SI part of the story was kind of... not. I suppose that what I am trying to say is that Hana treats it like it is: a general knowledge download from some random person in another dimension. She never seemed to identify herself with that person's memories, and ultimately her choice to name herself Hana Teiwaz (rather than simply give the name associated with those memories, which in fact never occurs to her) is a clear statement that she considers herself a separate person from the source of those memories.

That said, I don't see any need to change the fact that she has those memories. Between the Chozo's experiments regarding phazon, and the accessing of minds from other dimensions in the Surge Concerto series, it leaves her origins vague but clearly experimental without violating the... physics? Cosmology? The setting? And frankly, if Hana didn't have those memories, she would just be really confused at the start, have no idea what she is doing, and would honestly probably not come up with the ice spear spell (due to not having metaknowledge that metroids have an ice weakness). This would probably mean she would just avoid the metroids completely, and you would have a hard time justifying her finding her way to the Chozo ruins.

That's not to say that you can't rework it. Having database information on the Fleet of Fog, EXA_PICO, and the Chozo could account for pretty much everything if you are clever. But then any gaps in Hana's knowledge would be hilariously suspicious (so I know all of this, but not who made me and why?) unless you are careful. If you go too another way, you would kind of fizzle out the plotline of Hana's quest for identity and her issues with not knowing about her abilities and needs.

I suppose that what I'm saying is that I would favor letting the SI portion fall by the wayside as you continue and develop Hana as her own character, but I don't think that you should necessarily go back and expunge it from the story all together.
 
Tirfarthuan said:
To be completely honest, by the time Hana named herself it was kind of obvious that the SI part of the story was kind of... not. I suppose that what I am trying to say is that Hana treats it like it is: a general knowledge download from some random person in another dimension. She never seemed to identify herself with that person's memories, and ultimately her choice to name herself Hana Teiwaz (rather than simply give the name associated with those memories, which in fact never occurs to her) is a clear statement that she considers herself a separate person from the source of those memories.

That said, I don't see any need to change the fact that she has those memories. Between the Chozo's experiments regarding phazon, and the accessing of minds from other dimensions in the Surge Concerto series, it leaves her origins vague but clearly experimental without violating the... physics? Cosmology? The setting? And frankly, if Hana didn't have those memories, she would just be really confused at the start, have no idea what she is doing, and would honestly probably not come up with the ice spear spell (due to not having metaknowledge that metroids have an ice weakness). This would probably mean she would just avoid the metroids completely, and you would have a hard time justifying her finding her way to the Chozo ruins.

That's not to say that you can't rework it. Having database information on the Fleet of Fog, EXA_PICO, and the Chozo could account for pretty much everything if you are clever. But then any gaps in Hana's knowledge would be hilariously suspicious (so I know all of this, but not who made me and why?) unless you are careful. If you go too another way, you would kind of fizzle out the plotline of Hana's quest for identity and her issues with not knowing about her abilities and needs.

I suppose that what I'm saying is that I would favor letting the SI portion fall by the wayside as you continue and develop Hana as her own character, but I don't think that you should necessarily go back and expunge it from the story all together.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

No, no, no. That's... not what I'm talking about here.

I mean, yes Hana is pretty much treating all this like it's a memory download from someone else. Being human? No, that never happened. Hana knows that even if she doesn't acknowledge it very often.

What I'm getting at is that the human she remembers never existed to begin with. I have been vague enough that what she's described of herself could apply to many different people with similar mindsets to me.

So maybe I am going for something like Catalyst.exe. I just want to get to a point where I can remove the SI tags...

Also, I did a few edits to part 2. It's not very much, but maybe it makes the emotion switch seem more sensible.
 
Last edited:
Einsig said:
No, no, no. That's... not what I'm talking about here.

I mean, yes Hana is pretty much treating all this like it's a memory download from someone else. Being human? No, that never happened. Hana knows that even if she doesn't acknowledge it very often.

What I'm getting at is that the human she remembers never existed to begin with. I have been vague enough that what she's described of herself could apply to many different people with similar mindsets to me.

So maybe I am going for something like Catalyst.exe. I just want to get to a point where I can remove the SI tags...

Also, I did a few edits to part 2. It's not very much, but maybe it makes the emotion switch seem more sensible.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Whichever you do, I'm confident that you can do so competently and in a compelling way. Just don't be afraid to reach out for help editing or writing, a beta or two can really improve writing for anyone, and help keep you motivated.
 
Einsig said:
What I'm getting at is that the human she remembers never existed to begin with.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

If you make this clear in the story, then you can justifiably remove the SI tag. I would be tempted to make that clarification when she is coming up with a name, but you could also fit it in when she is trying to understand how she works (the point where she discovers that she's not just a Fleet of Fog mental model).
 
I don't see why it would be neccesary to remove the SI part of the character, it would require altering just about all of the story. Besides, some of us like the character as she is. Just because you aren't having her mention being an SI in every breath doesn't mean you should rewrite the wgolr thing.
 
Vaalintine said:
I don't see why it would be neccesary to remove the SI part of the character, it would require altering just about all of the story. Besides, some of us like the character as she is. Just because you aren't having her mention being an SI in every breath doesn't mean you should rewrite the whole thing.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Actually, it doesn't require me to alter the story much at all. In fact I have already done all the edits I feel like doing.

Random thing, but I changed Hana's hair. She has fluffy curly hair with a lefthand cowlick. This was retconned into part 1.

I also retconned part 2 again. I shortened the period to 3 years and added a simple timeline. I've tried to change all mentions of that period in the rest of the story but I don't remember where they all were. I might have missed one.
 
The edits make the story feel drier. It seems like the MC doesn't really react to things around her. The old way you set it up felt more natural.

Also
Einsig said:
Back to the surface for now. This elevator should take me all the way up. I really want to get this over with before something else tries to kill me. I've timed my return above-ground for sunrise.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
elevator not mentioned prior

Other than that the chozo part works.
 
Last edited:
Dreitus said:
The edits make the story feel drier. It seems like the MC doesn't really react to things around her. The old way you set it up felt more natural.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

From a human perspective, yes her reactions are unrealistic. She's a post-human.

Her physical appearance is determined by the D-Cellophane which is like a guideline for every potential physical and mental characteristic of a Reyvateil. The moment she sees her own face it will feel correct to her even if consciously she thinks it shouldn't.

The conscious idea that it shouldn't be correct may conflict with that feeling at first, though. I could maybe use that to make her initial reaction more dramatic like before. That seems within plausibility to me.

Dreitus said:
elevator not mentioned prior
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Why did I need to mention an elevator sooner that she hadn't found before she entered that room?
 
Last edited:
Rewrote Part 1 (again) trying to slow down the pacing and focus more on Hana's emotional state.
 
Surely further rewrites after this aren't necessary any more? Or atleast for now? I'm a bit curious how the story progresses further as well after all, what trouble Hana has managed to work herself in to for instance with that possible decision to reveal herself. Assuming she went through with that.
 
Quickshot0 said:
Surely further rewrites after this aren't necessary any more? Or atleast for now? I'm a bit curious how the story progresses further as well after all, what trouble Hana has managed to work herself in to for instance with that possible decision to reveal herself. Assuming she went through with that.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

I'm going to get to work on it. Making decisions about what I want to happen, what I want to do with the characters I've introduced, that sort of thing.

Oh... oh god.

I think I accidentally made Hana look like Reizei Mako from Girls und Panzer.




Take her fringe hair and swipe it over to her left and make her face more like Mir's.

I had no intention of this.
 
Last edited:
Reader mode
You must login or register to reply here.
Remove ads
Back
Top