Chapter 83: All The Small (And Big) Things
ChrisProvidence
Time Traveling Unequal Treaty Destroyer
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Anti-Crypto Aktion Coffee, Palo Alto, California, 20 February 1939
("University Avenue," by Selena Rossi, Class of 1942)
"Hey, you're sorta Catholic, right?"
Okay, that was the last thing Lin Chen expected to hear.
It wasn't so much that he was a practicing Catholic (Though he'd probably call himself lapsed at this point), but the fact that most people just didn't give a damn.
That said, there were two kinds of people who wanted to know if you were Catholic: Other Catholics, and people who really, really, didn't like Catholics.
"Eh, just baptized I guess," Lin said truthfully. After all, if said voice was the latter, he was pretty sure he could take them. And if it was the other reason... "You're not a missionary, are you?"
"Do I look like a missionary?" the punk rocker-looking woman asked him. "Name's Lena. I'm your classmate over at Stanford. At least I think I am."
"How does that work out?"
Please tell me this isn't some "All Asians Look Alike" thing.
"Because you look like your sister."
Oh.
Wait, does that mean that mean she thinks Morgan looks like a boy, or that I look like a girl?
"Yeah, that's me. What's up?"
"Just need some help with the notes, is all," she figured, before sitting down at his table. "Think you could help?"
"Sure," Lin figured. Not like Adrian or Jon are going to be back anytime soon. "What's up?"
"I keep getting the Tester movement and the Catholics all mixed up. They're pretty similar."
"You mean besides the fact that one of them's Protestant and the other is the Catholic Church?"
"Okay, smart-ass. I get that. My problem is that I keep mixing them up. Y'know, because they still have a lot in common?"
"I guess so." Truth be told, Lin was mostly going off of what he could remember off the top of his head. "So besides how the Catholics take orders from the Pope and the Testers are... well, everywhere."
"Yeah. Besides that."
"Okay, let's see..." Lin thought aloud. "The whole "Being Protestant" thing is kinda the big difference between the two. The Catholics are, I mean, the Catholics, and their big thing is that you have to be a good person to go to Heaven."
Okay, there's more than that, but it's not like we're getting tested on the Catechism.
"And the Protestants?"
"Sola Fide." Lena gave him a blank look. "It means 'Faith Alone.' Protestants generally believe that faith alone is all they need to be saved and go to Heaven."
"Sound like a cop-out."
"Yeah, well, Protestantism is what happens when the Catholic Church basically emotionally blackmailed people into giving them money."
"Okay," Lena said impatiently, "What does that have to do with the Testers, though?"
"I'm getting there," Lin promised. "Basically, the Testers believe that to go to Heaven, they have to demonstrate their faith in God by actively making the world like Heaven."
"So Jesus comes back?" Lin nodded to her. "Because of the Lord's Prayer, right?"
"Yup. 'Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven.' That's basically the crux of Tester belief: That if they truly believe in God, they should make Heaven on Earth."
"Makes sense. And that's why they're against racism and for helping the poor, right?"
"Yeah, basically. They think that their interactions with others are a test from God."
"Which is where they get the name from." Lin nodded, and Lena got up. "Thanks, Lin!"
"The Hell was that about?" Lin looked up to see his teammate Jon bringing back their coffee. "Got your drink, man."
"Thanks. Classmate needed help with her history homework."
"Didn't know you were into that."
"My Mom's a history teacher, remember? Plus, we all have to do something when it's not baseball season."
"Video games."
"I meant something I'm good at."
"Harlem Globetrotters join Basketball Association of America," by John F. Kennedy, Sports Illustrated, March 1939
(Manager Abe Saperstein with several Globetrotters)
The Basketball Association of America announced the fourteenth team to join their ranks with the addition of the barnstorming Harlem Globetrotters to their ranks.
The Globetrotters will play at Madison Square Garden, and their inclusion will be the first time the color barrier is broken in the BAA. Team owner Abe Saperstein has commented that the Globetrotters' membership is a "Milestone for basketball," followed a prediction that the rest of the BAA will soon follow suit in the following years.
"By having an all-white league," said Saperstein, "They're missing out on a whole lot of talent. And we're going to prove it to them, next season."
The teams will continue to be split evenly between the East and the West Divisions, with the Harlem Globetrotters joining the East Division alongside the Philadelphia Warriors, Boston Celtics, New York Knicks, Toronto Huskies, Washington Capitols, and the Providence Steamrollers, while the Western Division will consist of the Chicago Bulls, St. Louis Bombers, Cleveland Cavaliers, Detroit Falcons, Pittsburgh Ironmen, Indianapolis Jets, and the newly-formed Minneapolis Lakers.
The BAA will continue to use its current playoff system in which the top two teams of each division play a best-of-seven series against one another. The winner of each semifinal series will compete in a best-of-seven series for the BAA Championship.
The BAA is the first professional basketball league in the United States, and its eleven-team roster that has expanded with the league's popularity.
"Supreme Court Rules State of Mississippi Mind Their Own Fucking Business," The Onion, April 1939
(Chief Justice Louis Brandeis)
In a stunning 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court has ruled that any and all laws against sodomy and homosexual acts are unconstitutional under the Right of Privacy Amendment.
"It is our belief," said Chief Justice Louis Brandeis, "That as long as laws that do not violate the privacy of Americans are otherwise being followed, laws that do not mind their own fucking business are an invasion of privacy and therefore unconstitutional.
Civil rights groups have hailed this as a victory not just for the LGBT+ community, but all Americans who are in favor of the state and federal government minding their own fucking business and leaving them the Hell alone.
Nouakchott International Airport, Nouakchott, French Mauritania, 4 May 1939
(Nouakchott International Airport Terminal)
"Are you sure about this?" Corporal Antoine Reval asked over the radio as he got off the Blackhawk, "I get that we're partners in this, but are the Chinese going to be able to keep up with us?"
"We'll hold our own," the Chinese officer promised in accented French. One that Antoine didn't know he could speak. "Besides, we've worked with you guys before, back during the insurrection."
"No offense," Antoine apologized. The Chinese officer nodded politely. "And for what it's worth, it's good to have more manpower and resources out here to help out. We need all the help we can get in the desert, and Europe's still Priority One for manpower and resources compared to the sandbox."
It wasn't as if they were bad at their job. If anything, Antoine and the rest of his team could pride themselves on the number of slaves they've freed over the last few years.
The problem is that there were only so many of us, and the Sahara is a fucking large place to patrol.
All the legal reforms, cut red tape, and the Caliph outright condemning slavery wasn't enough when slavers could hide in plain sight because they lived in the ass-end of nowhere.
The Chinese officer... Antoine could've sworn his name was "Zhou," or something, looked at him oddly. "I thought it was mostly quiet, these days."
"I mean, yeah, it is. But the reason it's so calm is because most of the intel and manpower's focused on maintaining stability instead of down here, chasing down slavers."
"I see..." Zhou mused, while they walked past planes of Russians and Japanese unloading their gear. "Then it's a good thing we weren't the only ones who answered the call."
Ufa, Orenburg Governate, Russian Empire, 20 June 1939
(Ufa Skyline)
"Approaching target," Lieutenant Kuznetsov told his commander over the radio. "Spotted two hostiles by the door. Armed with pistols."
"Moving to engage," Captain Dimitry Medvedev answered. Two audible puffs were followed by two audible thuds once the Black Hundreds fell to the ground. "Move around to the back of the warehouse, Nikolai Ivanovich."
"Alfa 2-1 copies. Moving to destination."
Was it unfair that he and his men had night vision goggles and had sabotaged the fuse box? Probably.
Was he going to complain? No.
Not when surveillance had shown that there were about two dozen Black Hundreds in the building.
"Room clear," he said over the mic, before moving to the door. "Form up on the door."
The rest of it... it was like clockwork. The Spetsnaz team he'd been a part of had been training for over a week on the warehouse, to the point that he and his squad could probably run through the place with their eyes closed.
Scratch that. They had gone through the mock-up with their eyes closed for shits and giggles one night, and it actually worked.
It helped that everyone was declared hostile. While this would normally be an issue, the reality was that this seemingly-abandoned warehouse had people coming in and out on a weekly basis who weren't homeless people.
So they went, clearing out office after office until all that remained was the warehouse itself.
"Alfa 4-1, in position."
"Alfa 2-1, at the position."
"Alfa 3-1, in position and ready."
"Alfa 1-1 copies all," Captain Medvedev spoke through the radio. "Looks like our tip was good. Move in and neutralize the targets. We have positive ID on General Sakharov."
"Orders for the HVI?" asked Kuznetsov. "Sakharov still has friends over in Saint Petersburg."
"Alive, if possible," the Captain instructed, "But I'm not trading men for traitors."
Stanford Cardinals Celebrate College World Series Win, The Stanford Daily, 6 July 1939
(Fenway Park, host of the 1939 College World Series)
Palo Alto celebrates as the hometown Stanford Cardinals return from Boston to celebrate last month's victory in Boston.
While the season had gotten off to a rocky start, the addition of the hard-hitting left fielder Jon Dowd, quick-footed first-baseman Adrian Friese, and the two-way threat Lin Chen provided a one-two-three punch that sent Stanford back to Regionals in the 4th seed.
Although the Cardinals lost the Regional opener against UC Berkeley, they would get their payback with a walkoff homerun from Dowd during the Regional Final, followed by a sweep of the UC Davis Aggies in the Super Regionals.
The Cardinals would see continued success at the College World Series in Boston, where Chen, Friese, and Dowd combined for two homers and a triple in the 3-1 victory in Game 1, followed by a shutout and the game-winning RBI from the Chinese-American Freshman to cap off game two.
"It's a team effort," said Chen after their two-game victory. "We can talk about Great Men and all that [Redacted], but baseball's a team sport. And we have a pretty [Redacted] good team this year."
Coach Johnny Paige also made history this year as the first African-American coach to win the College World Series.
"I've always felt like I had to prove myself when I was playing," said Coach Paige, "And that's the same kind of thinking that got these young men to push themselves to the top."
Hardware Warehouse, Mexico City, United States of Mexico, 20 August 1939
(Stack of PVC pipes, Mexico City, c. 1940)
"We're really replacing everything, aren't we?" Asked Alejandro Rojas. Then again, the fact they were ripping out every pipe they could get their hands on was all the proof he needed.
That, and the how they were currently buying them in bulk.
"Remind me, are we really going to tear out every single copper and lead pipe and replace them with PVC?"
"You're damned right we are," his father (who was also known as Alejandro Rojas), agreed. "You see this crap on the inside?"
"Yeah." Even if he wished he hadn't. "I get it. Lead and copper corrode. Plastic doesn't."
"Oil is also cheaper, these days," said the elder Alejandro Rojas, "Which means plastic is also cheaper."
That made enough sense for the apprentice plumber. Ever since everyone transitioned to EVs and public transportation, the demand for petroleum effectively cratered.
Alejandro wasn't an economist, but he didn't need to be one to know that something's going to be a Hell of a lot cheaper if half the world stopped using it because alternatives were cheaper.
He also didn't need to be an economist to know that just because people stopped using so much gasoline didn't mean they would stop pumping crude oil. Not when crude oil was needed to make all the PVC pipes he'd been installing.
Not that he minded. Cheaper PVC meant more jobs, and more jobs meant he and his brother (who thankfully wasn't also named Alejandro) would be able to continue the family business.
"The Metaverse of Things," by People Play Games, YouTube.com, 14 September 1939
(Thumbnail of video on YouTube)
CHRIS QUINN: "What if I told you that there's a place where we could have Fully Automated Luxury Gay (Or straight or bi, if you're into that) Space Socialism right now?
QUINN: What it I told you that there is a metaverse that isn't run by weirdo techbros who seem to be obsessed with monetizing everything, ever since cryptocurrency never took off?
QUINN: And what if I told you that those two places were the exact same thing? Because it is.
QUINN: Welcome to the world of VR Chat Metaverse (or "VR Metaverse" for short), a world built on abandonware over the last two decades into a sort of Ship of Theseus that might not even have that much original code after all the improvements over those last twenty-something years.
QUINN: This? This is the real Metaverse, where you are truly free from all the capitalism and microtransactions that the techbros keep trying to shove into almost everything they make.
QUINN: So we here at PPG decided to go in-depth into the real Metaverse, where we interviewed developers, users, and recorded more footage than we honestly know what to do with. So, let's begin.
(Scene cuts to a woman in an Italian game development studio)
DANIELA CLEMENTI: My name is Daniela Clementi, and I used to be one of the software engineers who help keep the VR Metaverse running.
CLEMENTI: One of the things that drew me to VR Metaverse is how there really isn't any real sense of scarcity. In the Real World, there are finite amounts of… everything, if we're being honest: Food, Shelter, Products, and Resources.
CLEMENTI: That isn't really a thing in the Metaverse. Sure, you need to have servers to keep everything running, but partnerships with the French, German, and Italian governments helps keep the lights on and the Metaverse free.
QUINN: Could you tell us about that? How did that come to be?
CLEMENTI: Sure. The official reason is that this is funding for the arts. But if you ask me, a big reason why so many Socialist governments back this project is because it's the first society that can truly be free from capitalism and scarcity.
CLEMENTI: In the Metaverse, there really isn't a limit to resources or funds. It's a moneyless society because, well, there isn't really anything to spend money on when pretty much all content is free.
QUINN: Is that why several competitors to the VR Metaverse failed?
CLEMENTI: I think that's one of the reasons. When there is already something out there, the competitor needs to be better, and I don't really see how these alternatives accomplish that when VR Chat already exists.
QUINN: And the fact that it's free.
CLEMENTI: That too. VR headsets are much cheaper than they were two decades ago, but they aren't exactly cheap. And once you've bought your headset, your options are between VR Metaverse, where basically everything is free, and paid experiences like Cryptoland, where they seemingly try to nickel and dime you out of every last franc in your bank account.
(Concept art of Cryptoland)
QUINN: I can see the appeal.
(Scene cuts back to Quinn in the studio)
QUINN: Ironically, these capitalist alternatives to the VR Metaverse make an argument against capitalism. While Metaverse content is largely free and open-source, the alternatives' inclusion of capitalism (in the form of microtransactions) creates a reality of artificial scarcity where it previously didn't exist.
QUINN: Or as some have begun to call it: Capitalism for the sake of Capitalism.
QUINN: Which begs the question: If there is a time and place where capitalism is unnecessary, then why have it in the first place?
"How Skateboarding Became Sidesurfing," The Birdman Magazine, October 1939
("Photo of People Sidesurfing," by Jan Kopriva)
You all know what a sideboard is. Four wheels attached to a solid board is a simple design that's stood the test of time.
Literally.
No, seriously, the sideboard went back in time with the island of Taiwan, where it would first spread to China, then Asia, then the Americas.
Originally called the "skateboard" in the Lost History, it was first brought to the Americas in the mid-1910s. Its similarities to surfing saw its adoption by communities of surfers along the coasts.
Skateboarding, or the "Sidewalk Surfing," as it was called at first surfers, was originally an alternative for surfers when the waves were flat or the weather wasn't good. By the mid-1920s, the name would be shortened to "Sidesurfing," with the eponymous skateboard referred to as a "sideboard."
It was during this time that the sideboard, coupled with the re-discovery of the Punk genre of music, saw the two come together as symbols of the American counter-culture movement. If Punk music represented rebellion against the status quo, then the quick and maneuverable sideboard symbolized freedom from the status quo.
("Men Walking on Sidewalk," by RDNE)
It was this intermarriage between Punk music and sidesurfing that led to the rapid rise in popularity not just among young white Americans (and we're talking about all the Americas here, not just the USA here), but minority groups as well. Then again, if white and black and brown kids and young adults hanging out together was the new counter-culture, then it was no surprise that those same folks started sidesurfing together.
Unfortunately, sidesurfing's role in the counter-culture quickly earned it some enemies from the more-conservative elements of American culture. Even if it's been over a decade, a lot of the older sidesurfers still remember Charles Coughlin's passionate sermon condemning the sport as a hotbed for sin, vice, and degeneracy.
If anything, this did more to propel sidesurfing into the mainstream than anything else. What had once been an "underground" kind of movement was quickly gaining popularity and entering the mainstream.
Because when old, conservative people say something is bad or immoral, it automatically becomes 100% cooler. Sidesurfing is no exception.
It was at this point, circa 1930, that sidesurfing had its first big split.
Now, this wasn't some big schism or anything, but there tend to be two kinda of sidesurfers these days: Casuals and Nomads.
As the name implies, Casual sidesurfers tend to use the sideboard as a means of transportation, though you'll see them do a few tricks. Odds are they'll probably listen to Punk music, too, but fans of Punk aren't necessarily sidesurfers and vice-versa.
Nomad sidesurfers are the kind that'll go "all-in" with the subculture. Sure, they'll use their boards to get around, and they can do more than a few tricks, but they see sidesurfing as a way of life.
We're talking people who tend to be laid-back, with absolute freedom from the status quo on their minds. Folks that'll exercise their freedoms in their daily lives and go against the grain.
And no, I'm not talking about those guys who use "freedom" as an excuse to be a dick. Nomads practice a concept of "absolute freedom," and that includes freedom from things like oppression, just as much as freedom to do things, like live one's life.
There's a reason why you'll probably see at least one sidesurfer at every Civil Rights protest.
For Nomads, sidesurfing is an exercise of freedom, and freedom is a way of life. Whether it's freedom to love, freedom to marry, freedom from discrimination, or just the freedom to their lives, your average practicing Nomad sidesurfer is probably going to support it.
Conversely, if you're going around trying to enforce your own rules on people, they're probably going to call you an asshole at best.
No, seriously, freedom is sacred to these guys. If you go around trying to use freedom as an excuse to abuse others, there's a nonzero chance you'll get your ass kicked.
The Knights of the Golden Circle down in Orange County learned this the hard way when they tried to join up with the local Nomads.
("Picture of a Nomad Encampment," by Egor Komarov)
And as their name implies, the really hardcore Nomads tend not to stay in one place. For them, freedom also means not getting too tied down by anything, and that means never really setting up roots.
This can take the form of drifting from place to place, either solo, or with a community of fellow Nomad boarders. Nomads'll usually band together, but they're willing to take on new members if they earn the group's trust.
Though contrary to popular belief, most Nomads don't literally board everywhere they go. In my experience, they're not above using public transportation or using roads when they start migrating.
Now, just because Nomad sidesurfers tend to be more hardcore about the lifestyle doesn't mean they'll start hating on the Casuals for not doing things like living as a Nomad. Sure, they'd like it if everyone embraced their vision freedom, but it kinda goes against the whole concept itself if you force it.
Either way, sidesurfing is here to stay, and it's come a long way in the last two decades.
#general, Somewhat-Credible-Defense Discord Server, 30 November 1939
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:30 AM
You know, Ethiopia's Civil War kinda reminded me of the Chinese Revolution.
NanjingNan Today at 00:31 AM
I mean no disrespect, Freeb, but one question:
HOW.
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:32 AM
Think about it like this, Nan: A society that's been taken advantage of by the European powers throughout the 19th and early 20th centuries sees a revolution in which the reformists win.
NanjingNan Today at 00:33 AM
...
No.
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:34 AM
Aw, c'mon. You see it, right?
NanjingNan Today at 00:35 AM
If you paint with a broad enough brush, I guess?
But there's just as many things that are different between the Tongmenghui and Hailie Selassie's forces as there are things they have in common.
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:36 AM
You mean besides how one's a republic and the other's a monarchy.
ViveLeInternationale Today at 00:36 AM
That's a fairly large difference. While the Tongmenghui overthrew the Qing monarchy, Hailie Selassie holds himself up as the rightful successor to Empress Zewditu.
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:37 AM
Didn't the Tongmenghui also argue that the Qing were an illegitimate ruling class and that they were restoring the rightful rule?
IsekaiEnthusiast11 Today at 00:37 AM
I mean, basically everyone does that when they're fighting a civil war.
NanjingNan Today at 00:38 AM
He's not wrong.
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:37 AM
Yeah!
Wait, how did we on the same side on this one?
NanjingNan Today at 00:38 AM
In the sense that almost everyone declares themselves the "Rightful Ruler."
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:38 AM
Ah.
I'm talking more about the ideals, influences, and technologies though.
Both Hailie Selassie and Sun Yat-Sen were willing to embrace modern ideals, much to their benefit over their more-backwards-thinking (Can I call them that?) opponents.
NanjingNan Today at 00:39 AM
Then yes, there are similarities. Of course, we have to remember that while the Ethiopian Conservative Faction rejected outside ideals and training due to the potential threats of outside influence, the Qing were denied those ideals and training because Taiwan outright rejected them.
Also yeah, you should be fine.
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:40 AM
Cool. Thanks.
And yeah, I guess that's a factor. Actually, that probably makes the Ethiopian Conservatives look worse, now that I think about it.
At least the Qing got curbstomped because their modernists refused to help them. Meanwhile the Conservatives refused the modernists because they thought they were a threat.
ViveLeInternationale Today at 00:41 AM
I think I can see where they're coming from, Freeb.
In the post-war world, we've seen massive social progress and upheaval. In less than a decade, China, France, and friends trained entirely new bureaucracies from scratch to serve as a viable alternative to colonial rule or a return to traditional forms of government.
That last part is probably why the Conservatives Ethiopians were less-welcoming to foreign advisors and trainers than the Reformist like Hailie Selassie. When the people offering to help you are the biggest threat to your power, you'd want to keep them at arm's length.
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:40 AM
Their loss.
ViveLeInternationale Today at 00:41 AM
Literally, in this case.
I don't think I've ever seen a curbstomp that bad since my time in the Great War.
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:42 AM
Didn't know you served, Viv.
ViveLeInternationale Today at 00:43 AM
"Served" is being generous. I drove a truck.
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:44 AM
Hey, that counts as serving. God knows how I'd survive if we didn't have logistics.
NanjingNan Today at 00:45 AM
It's simple: You don't.
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:45 AM
Yeah... that's kinda why Hailie Selassie's Emperor now and pushing reforms.
Well that, fighter jets, more tanks than they knew what to do with, and a literal mountain of 5.56 rounds.
"S10E1: Mormonism and Coming to America," Men, Myth, Misinfo: Starring Harry Houdini and HP Lovecraft
(Title Card of Men, Myth, Misinfo, showing hosts HP Lovecraft and Harry Houdini)
HOUDINI: Alright, what do we have today?
LOVECRAFT: Mormonism.
HOUDINI: Ah. Exactly which part of it? The origins? The afterlife?
LOVECRAFT: It would be challenging to debunk the afterlife, now that you've driven most of the mediums out of business. No, today we will be discussing the Mormon claim that their prophet Lehi migrated to America in 600 BC.
HOUDINI: That... That is... certainly something.
LOVECRAFT: Indeed. According to the Mormons, Lehi and his family built a boat and sailed to the Americas under God's instructions, and they landed somewhere in Central America. In the Mormon theology, Lehi's son Laman rejected his father's teachings and persecuted his brothers Lehi and Samuel for their continued loyalty. Furthermore, the more-loyal Nephi would be chosen as Laman's successor.
HOUDINI: And as the eldest son, Laman would likely resent his brothers.
LOVECRAFT: Indeed. After Lehi's death and Nephi's rise, the colony in the Americas splits, with the righteous, at the time, followers of Nephi calling themselves "Nephites," and the followers of Laman and his brother Lemuel dubbed the "Lamanites." In response, God cursed the Lamanites for their rebellion by cutting them off from God's presence and, in their words, gave them a "Skin of Blackness," so as to not entice the Nephites.
HOUDINI: Which implies that the Lamanites are the ancestors of the Native Americans. And also implies some pretty terrible things about the Native Americans.
LOVECRAFT: Indeed. And the Lamanites would hate the Nephites, God's so-called chosen people, for centuries until the arrival of Jesus Christ to America.
HOUDINI: The what.
LOVECRAFT: Yes, it is as peculiar as it sounds. Jesus' time in America would coincide with the former Lamanites and Nephites reuniting into one people, until eighty-four years later when a second schism between Lamanites and Nephites occurred. This in turn would lead to another few centuries of internecine warfare between the two sides that had fallen into apostasy. The result of this conflict would be the outright annihilation of the Nephites by their once and former Lamanite kin while the latter would presumably go on to become the Native Americans of today.
HOUDINI: And that is it?
LOVECRAFT: Yes.
HOUDINI: Should this be found to be false, it would make for an interesting story. Now, how do you propose we analyze this?
LOVECRAFT: Seeing that the Mormons seem to believe that the Native Americans are the descendants of the Lamanites, we can analyze the genetics of Native Americans and compare them to Semitic peoples. Should the Book of Mormon be true, then the two peoples should be at least somewhat genetically similar.
HOUDINI: And the rest? Genetics is all well and good, but there should be some evidence of them in Central America... or any of the Americas.
LOVECRAFT: Indeed. Furthermore, we can compare what we do know about the stories' contemporaries to the stories themselves. Should the stories be true, then there should be few, if any inconsistencies with regard to the introduction of the horse, barley, wheat, the chariot, and true metallurgy.
HOUDINI: That is a tall order. And do you plan on us doing this all by ourselves, or do you have someone in mind to help us?
LOVECRAFT: That I do, Harry. This is John C. Ewers. Mr. Ewers is the Associate Curator of Ethnology at the Smithsonian Institution.
(Portrait of John C. Ewers)
EWERS: Thank you for having me.
HOUDINI: The pleasure is all ours. Now, given your background in anthropology, what can you tell us about the Mormon historical claims?
EWERS: To put it bluntly... It's historically inaccurate in almost every sense. For starters, Native Americans have genetic markers in their DNA that indicate that their ancestors migrated to America. From Asia. Over the Bering Land Bridge.
HOUDINI: I see... And what about the introduction of the horses?
EWERS: The scientific consensus, which is based on almost every bit of credible archaeological and historical evidence we have, indicates that horses went extinct in the Americas thousands of years ago, only to be re-introduced thousands of years later in the 15th century by the Iberians.
LOVECRAFT: In short, the Book of Mormon's claims are not only debunked by genetic evidence, but the historical claims are also inconsistent with effectively everything else we currently know.
EWERS: Based on our current information, anyways. It is theoretically possible that the Mormons are actually correct, but there is not any credible evidence that supports their claims.
LOVECRAFT: At least not from archaeologists, anthropologists, and historians who don't already agree with them.
HOUDINI: That seems to be the case. So, would you say that this debunked?
LOVECRAFT: I would say so, yes.
HOUDINI: It seems that way. One more question, Dr. Ewers.
EWERS: Yes?
HOUDINI: You don't have any plans on going to Utah in the near-future, do you?
EWERS: No, I don't think so. Why?
HOUDINI: Because I don't think any of us are going to be welcome there, anytime soon.
("University Avenue," by Selena Rossi, Class of 1942)
"Hey, you're sorta Catholic, right?"
Okay, that was the last thing Lin Chen expected to hear.
It wasn't so much that he was a practicing Catholic (Though he'd probably call himself lapsed at this point), but the fact that most people just didn't give a damn.
That said, there were two kinds of people who wanted to know if you were Catholic: Other Catholics, and people who really, really, didn't like Catholics.
"Eh, just baptized I guess," Lin said truthfully. After all, if said voice was the latter, he was pretty sure he could take them. And if it was the other reason... "You're not a missionary, are you?"
"Do I look like a missionary?" the punk rocker-looking woman asked him. "Name's Lena. I'm your classmate over at Stanford. At least I think I am."
"How does that work out?"
Please tell me this isn't some "All Asians Look Alike" thing.
"Because you look like your sister."
Oh.
Wait, does that mean that mean she thinks Morgan looks like a boy, or that I look like a girl?
"Yeah, that's me. What's up?"
"Just need some help with the notes, is all," she figured, before sitting down at his table. "Think you could help?"
"Sure," Lin figured. Not like Adrian or Jon are going to be back anytime soon. "What's up?"
"I keep getting the Tester movement and the Catholics all mixed up. They're pretty similar."
"You mean besides the fact that one of them's Protestant and the other is the Catholic Church?"
"Okay, smart-ass. I get that. My problem is that I keep mixing them up. Y'know, because they still have a lot in common?"
"I guess so." Truth be told, Lin was mostly going off of what he could remember off the top of his head. "So besides how the Catholics take orders from the Pope and the Testers are... well, everywhere."
"Yeah. Besides that."
"Okay, let's see..." Lin thought aloud. "The whole "Being Protestant" thing is kinda the big difference between the two. The Catholics are, I mean, the Catholics, and their big thing is that you have to be a good person to go to Heaven."
Okay, there's more than that, but it's not like we're getting tested on the Catechism.
"And the Protestants?"
"Sola Fide." Lena gave him a blank look. "It means 'Faith Alone.' Protestants generally believe that faith alone is all they need to be saved and go to Heaven."
"Sound like a cop-out."
"Yeah, well, Protestantism is what happens when the Catholic Church basically emotionally blackmailed people into giving them money."
"Okay," Lena said impatiently, "What does that have to do with the Testers, though?"
"I'm getting there," Lin promised. "Basically, the Testers believe that to go to Heaven, they have to demonstrate their faith in God by actively making the world like Heaven."
"So Jesus comes back?" Lin nodded to her. "Because of the Lord's Prayer, right?"
"Yup. 'Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven.' That's basically the crux of Tester belief: That if they truly believe in God, they should make Heaven on Earth."
"Makes sense. And that's why they're against racism and for helping the poor, right?"
"Yeah, basically. They think that their interactions with others are a test from God."
"Which is where they get the name from." Lin nodded, and Lena got up. "Thanks, Lin!"
"The Hell was that about?" Lin looked up to see his teammate Jon bringing back their coffee. "Got your drink, man."
"Thanks. Classmate needed help with her history homework."
"Didn't know you were into that."
"My Mom's a history teacher, remember? Plus, we all have to do something when it's not baseball season."
"Video games."
"I meant something I'm good at."
"Harlem Globetrotters join Basketball Association of America," by John F. Kennedy, Sports Illustrated, March 1939
(Manager Abe Saperstein with several Globetrotters)
The Basketball Association of America announced the fourteenth team to join their ranks with the addition of the barnstorming Harlem Globetrotters to their ranks.
The Globetrotters will play at Madison Square Garden, and their inclusion will be the first time the color barrier is broken in the BAA. Team owner Abe Saperstein has commented that the Globetrotters' membership is a "Milestone for basketball," followed a prediction that the rest of the BAA will soon follow suit in the following years.
"By having an all-white league," said Saperstein, "They're missing out on a whole lot of talent. And we're going to prove it to them, next season."
The teams will continue to be split evenly between the East and the West Divisions, with the Harlem Globetrotters joining the East Division alongside the Philadelphia Warriors, Boston Celtics, New York Knicks, Toronto Huskies, Washington Capitols, and the Providence Steamrollers, while the Western Division will consist of the Chicago Bulls, St. Louis Bombers, Cleveland Cavaliers, Detroit Falcons, Pittsburgh Ironmen, Indianapolis Jets, and the newly-formed Minneapolis Lakers.
The BAA will continue to use its current playoff system in which the top two teams of each division play a best-of-seven series against one another. The winner of each semifinal series will compete in a best-of-seven series for the BAA Championship.
The BAA is the first professional basketball league in the United States, and its eleven-team roster that has expanded with the league's popularity.
"Supreme Court Rules State of Mississippi Mind Their Own Fucking Business," The Onion, April 1939
(Chief Justice Louis Brandeis)
In a stunning 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court has ruled that any and all laws against sodomy and homosexual acts are unconstitutional under the Right of Privacy Amendment.
"It is our belief," said Chief Justice Louis Brandeis, "That as long as laws that do not violate the privacy of Americans are otherwise being followed, laws that do not mind their own fucking business are an invasion of privacy and therefore unconstitutional.
Civil rights groups have hailed this as a victory not just for the LGBT+ community, but all Americans who are in favor of the state and federal government minding their own fucking business and leaving them the Hell alone.
Nouakchott International Airport, Nouakchott, French Mauritania, 4 May 1939
(Nouakchott International Airport Terminal)
"Are you sure about this?" Corporal Antoine Reval asked over the radio as he got off the Blackhawk, "I get that we're partners in this, but are the Chinese going to be able to keep up with us?"
"We'll hold our own," the Chinese officer promised in accented French. One that Antoine didn't know he could speak. "Besides, we've worked with you guys before, back during the insurrection."
"No offense," Antoine apologized. The Chinese officer nodded politely. "And for what it's worth, it's good to have more manpower and resources out here to help out. We need all the help we can get in the desert, and Europe's still Priority One for manpower and resources compared to the sandbox."
It wasn't as if they were bad at their job. If anything, Antoine and the rest of his team could pride themselves on the number of slaves they've freed over the last few years.
The problem is that there were only so many of us, and the Sahara is a fucking large place to patrol.
All the legal reforms, cut red tape, and the Caliph outright condemning slavery wasn't enough when slavers could hide in plain sight because they lived in the ass-end of nowhere.
The Chinese officer... Antoine could've sworn his name was "Zhou," or something, looked at him oddly. "I thought it was mostly quiet, these days."
"I mean, yeah, it is. But the reason it's so calm is because most of the intel and manpower's focused on maintaining stability instead of down here, chasing down slavers."
"I see..." Zhou mused, while they walked past planes of Russians and Japanese unloading their gear. "Then it's a good thing we weren't the only ones who answered the call."
Ufa, Orenburg Governate, Russian Empire, 20 June 1939
(Ufa Skyline)
"Approaching target," Lieutenant Kuznetsov told his commander over the radio. "Spotted two hostiles by the door. Armed with pistols."
"Moving to engage," Captain Dimitry Medvedev answered. Two audible puffs were followed by two audible thuds once the Black Hundreds fell to the ground. "Move around to the back of the warehouse, Nikolai Ivanovich."
"Alfa 2-1 copies. Moving to destination."
Was it unfair that he and his men had night vision goggles and had sabotaged the fuse box? Probably.
Was he going to complain? No.
Not when surveillance had shown that there were about two dozen Black Hundreds in the building.
"Room clear," he said over the mic, before moving to the door. "Form up on the door."
The rest of it... it was like clockwork. The Spetsnaz team he'd been a part of had been training for over a week on the warehouse, to the point that he and his squad could probably run through the place with their eyes closed.
Scratch that. They had gone through the mock-up with their eyes closed for shits and giggles one night, and it actually worked.
It helped that everyone was declared hostile. While this would normally be an issue, the reality was that this seemingly-abandoned warehouse had people coming in and out on a weekly basis who weren't homeless people.
So they went, clearing out office after office until all that remained was the warehouse itself.
"Alfa 4-1, in position."
"Alfa 2-1, at the position."
"Alfa 3-1, in position and ready."
"Alfa 1-1 copies all," Captain Medvedev spoke through the radio. "Looks like our tip was good. Move in and neutralize the targets. We have positive ID on General Sakharov."
"Orders for the HVI?" asked Kuznetsov. "Sakharov still has friends over in Saint Petersburg."
"Alive, if possible," the Captain instructed, "But I'm not trading men for traitors."
Stanford Cardinals Celebrate College World Series Win, The Stanford Daily, 6 July 1939
(Fenway Park, host of the 1939 College World Series)
Palo Alto celebrates as the hometown Stanford Cardinals return from Boston to celebrate last month's victory in Boston.
While the season had gotten off to a rocky start, the addition of the hard-hitting left fielder Jon Dowd, quick-footed first-baseman Adrian Friese, and the two-way threat Lin Chen provided a one-two-three punch that sent Stanford back to Regionals in the 4th seed.
Although the Cardinals lost the Regional opener against UC Berkeley, they would get their payback with a walkoff homerun from Dowd during the Regional Final, followed by a sweep of the UC Davis Aggies in the Super Regionals.
The Cardinals would see continued success at the College World Series in Boston, where Chen, Friese, and Dowd combined for two homers and a triple in the 3-1 victory in Game 1, followed by a shutout and the game-winning RBI from the Chinese-American Freshman to cap off game two.
"It's a team effort," said Chen after their two-game victory. "We can talk about Great Men and all that [Redacted], but baseball's a team sport. And we have a pretty [Redacted] good team this year."
Coach Johnny Paige also made history this year as the first African-American coach to win the College World Series.
"I've always felt like I had to prove myself when I was playing," said Coach Paige, "And that's the same kind of thinking that got these young men to push themselves to the top."
Hardware Warehouse, Mexico City, United States of Mexico, 20 August 1939
(Stack of PVC pipes, Mexico City, c. 1940)
"We're really replacing everything, aren't we?" Asked Alejandro Rojas. Then again, the fact they were ripping out every pipe they could get their hands on was all the proof he needed.
That, and the how they were currently buying them in bulk.
"Remind me, are we really going to tear out every single copper and lead pipe and replace them with PVC?"
"You're damned right we are," his father (who was also known as Alejandro Rojas), agreed. "You see this crap on the inside?"
"Yeah." Even if he wished he hadn't. "I get it. Lead and copper corrode. Plastic doesn't."
"Oil is also cheaper, these days," said the elder Alejandro Rojas, "Which means plastic is also cheaper."
That made enough sense for the apprentice plumber. Ever since everyone transitioned to EVs and public transportation, the demand for petroleum effectively cratered.
Alejandro wasn't an economist, but he didn't need to be one to know that something's going to be a Hell of a lot cheaper if half the world stopped using it because alternatives were cheaper.
He also didn't need to be an economist to know that just because people stopped using so much gasoline didn't mean they would stop pumping crude oil. Not when crude oil was needed to make all the PVC pipes he'd been installing.
Not that he minded. Cheaper PVC meant more jobs, and more jobs meant he and his brother (who thankfully wasn't also named Alejandro) would be able to continue the family business.
"The Metaverse of Things," by People Play Games, YouTube.com, 14 September 1939
(Thumbnail of video on YouTube)
CHRIS QUINN: "What if I told you that there's a place where we could have Fully Automated Luxury Gay (Or straight or bi, if you're into that) Space Socialism right now?
QUINN: What it I told you that there is a metaverse that isn't run by weirdo techbros who seem to be obsessed with monetizing everything, ever since cryptocurrency never took off?
QUINN: And what if I told you that those two places were the exact same thing? Because it is.
QUINN: Welcome to the world of VR Chat Metaverse (or "VR Metaverse" for short), a world built on abandonware over the last two decades into a sort of Ship of Theseus that might not even have that much original code after all the improvements over those last twenty-something years.
QUINN: This? This is the real Metaverse, where you are truly free from all the capitalism and microtransactions that the techbros keep trying to shove into almost everything they make.
QUINN: So we here at PPG decided to go in-depth into the real Metaverse, where we interviewed developers, users, and recorded more footage than we honestly know what to do with. So, let's begin.
(Scene cuts to a woman in an Italian game development studio)
DANIELA CLEMENTI: My name is Daniela Clementi, and I used to be one of the software engineers who help keep the VR Metaverse running.
CLEMENTI: One of the things that drew me to VR Metaverse is how there really isn't any real sense of scarcity. In the Real World, there are finite amounts of… everything, if we're being honest: Food, Shelter, Products, and Resources.
CLEMENTI: That isn't really a thing in the Metaverse. Sure, you need to have servers to keep everything running, but partnerships with the French, German, and Italian governments helps keep the lights on and the Metaverse free.
QUINN: Could you tell us about that? How did that come to be?
CLEMENTI: Sure. The official reason is that this is funding for the arts. But if you ask me, a big reason why so many Socialist governments back this project is because it's the first society that can truly be free from capitalism and scarcity.
CLEMENTI: In the Metaverse, there really isn't a limit to resources or funds. It's a moneyless society because, well, there isn't really anything to spend money on when pretty much all content is free.
QUINN: Is that why several competitors to the VR Metaverse failed?
CLEMENTI: I think that's one of the reasons. When there is already something out there, the competitor needs to be better, and I don't really see how these alternatives accomplish that when VR Chat already exists.
QUINN: And the fact that it's free.
CLEMENTI: That too. VR headsets are much cheaper than they were two decades ago, but they aren't exactly cheap. And once you've bought your headset, your options are between VR Metaverse, where basically everything is free, and paid experiences like Cryptoland, where they seemingly try to nickel and dime you out of every last franc in your bank account.
(Concept art of Cryptoland)
QUINN: I can see the appeal.
(Scene cuts back to Quinn in the studio)
QUINN: Ironically, these capitalist alternatives to the VR Metaverse make an argument against capitalism. While Metaverse content is largely free and open-source, the alternatives' inclusion of capitalism (in the form of microtransactions) creates a reality of artificial scarcity where it previously didn't exist.
QUINN: Or as some have begun to call it: Capitalism for the sake of Capitalism.
QUINN: Which begs the question: If there is a time and place where capitalism is unnecessary, then why have it in the first place?
"How Skateboarding Became Sidesurfing," The Birdman Magazine, October 1939
("Photo of People Sidesurfing," by Jan Kopriva)
You all know what a sideboard is. Four wheels attached to a solid board is a simple design that's stood the test of time.
Literally.
No, seriously, the sideboard went back in time with the island of Taiwan, where it would first spread to China, then Asia, then the Americas.
Originally called the "skateboard" in the Lost History, it was first brought to the Americas in the mid-1910s. Its similarities to surfing saw its adoption by communities of surfers along the coasts.
Skateboarding, or the "Sidewalk Surfing," as it was called at first surfers, was originally an alternative for surfers when the waves were flat or the weather wasn't good. By the mid-1920s, the name would be shortened to "Sidesurfing," with the eponymous skateboard referred to as a "sideboard."
It was during this time that the sideboard, coupled with the re-discovery of the Punk genre of music, saw the two come together as symbols of the American counter-culture movement. If Punk music represented rebellion against the status quo, then the quick and maneuverable sideboard symbolized freedom from the status quo.
("Men Walking on Sidewalk," by RDNE)
It was this intermarriage between Punk music and sidesurfing that led to the rapid rise in popularity not just among young white Americans (and we're talking about all the Americas here, not just the USA here), but minority groups as well. Then again, if white and black and brown kids and young adults hanging out together was the new counter-culture, then it was no surprise that those same folks started sidesurfing together.
Unfortunately, sidesurfing's role in the counter-culture quickly earned it some enemies from the more-conservative elements of American culture. Even if it's been over a decade, a lot of the older sidesurfers still remember Charles Coughlin's passionate sermon condemning the sport as a hotbed for sin, vice, and degeneracy.
If anything, this did more to propel sidesurfing into the mainstream than anything else. What had once been an "underground" kind of movement was quickly gaining popularity and entering the mainstream.
Because when old, conservative people say something is bad or immoral, it automatically becomes 100% cooler. Sidesurfing is no exception.
It was at this point, circa 1930, that sidesurfing had its first big split.
Now, this wasn't some big schism or anything, but there tend to be two kinda of sidesurfers these days: Casuals and Nomads.
As the name implies, Casual sidesurfers tend to use the sideboard as a means of transportation, though you'll see them do a few tricks. Odds are they'll probably listen to Punk music, too, but fans of Punk aren't necessarily sidesurfers and vice-versa.
Nomad sidesurfers are the kind that'll go "all-in" with the subculture. Sure, they'll use their boards to get around, and they can do more than a few tricks, but they see sidesurfing as a way of life.
We're talking people who tend to be laid-back, with absolute freedom from the status quo on their minds. Folks that'll exercise their freedoms in their daily lives and go against the grain.
And no, I'm not talking about those guys who use "freedom" as an excuse to be a dick. Nomads practice a concept of "absolute freedom," and that includes freedom from things like oppression, just as much as freedom to do things, like live one's life.
There's a reason why you'll probably see at least one sidesurfer at every Civil Rights protest.
For Nomads, sidesurfing is an exercise of freedom, and freedom is a way of life. Whether it's freedom to love, freedom to marry, freedom from discrimination, or just the freedom to their lives, your average practicing Nomad sidesurfer is probably going to support it.
Conversely, if you're going around trying to enforce your own rules on people, they're probably going to call you an asshole at best.
No, seriously, freedom is sacred to these guys. If you go around trying to use freedom as an excuse to abuse others, there's a nonzero chance you'll get your ass kicked.
The Knights of the Golden Circle down in Orange County learned this the hard way when they tried to join up with the local Nomads.
("Picture of a Nomad Encampment," by Egor Komarov)
And as their name implies, the really hardcore Nomads tend not to stay in one place. For them, freedom also means not getting too tied down by anything, and that means never really setting up roots.
This can take the form of drifting from place to place, either solo, or with a community of fellow Nomad boarders. Nomads'll usually band together, but they're willing to take on new members if they earn the group's trust.
Though contrary to popular belief, most Nomads don't literally board everywhere they go. In my experience, they're not above using public transportation or using roads when they start migrating.
Now, just because Nomad sidesurfers tend to be more hardcore about the lifestyle doesn't mean they'll start hating on the Casuals for not doing things like living as a Nomad. Sure, they'd like it if everyone embraced their vision freedom, but it kinda goes against the whole concept itself if you force it.
Either way, sidesurfing is here to stay, and it's come a long way in the last two decades.
#general, Somewhat-Credible-Defense Discord Server, 30 November 1939
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:30 AM
You know, Ethiopia's Civil War kinda reminded me of the Chinese Revolution.
NanjingNan Today at 00:31 AM
I mean no disrespect, Freeb, but one question:
HOW.
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:32 AM
Think about it like this, Nan: A society that's been taken advantage of by the European powers throughout the 19th and early 20th centuries sees a revolution in which the reformists win.
NanjingNan Today at 00:33 AM
...
No.
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:34 AM
Aw, c'mon. You see it, right?
NanjingNan Today at 00:35 AM
If you paint with a broad enough brush, I guess?
But there's just as many things that are different between the Tongmenghui and Hailie Selassie's forces as there are things they have in common.
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:36 AM
You mean besides how one's a republic and the other's a monarchy.
ViveLeInternationale Today at 00:36 AM
That's a fairly large difference. While the Tongmenghui overthrew the Qing monarchy, Hailie Selassie holds himself up as the rightful successor to Empress Zewditu.
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:37 AM
Didn't the Tongmenghui also argue that the Qing were an illegitimate ruling class and that they were restoring the rightful rule?
IsekaiEnthusiast11 Today at 00:37 AM
I mean, basically everyone does that when they're fighting a civil war.
NanjingNan Today at 00:38 AM
He's not wrong.
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:37 AM
Yeah!
Wait, how did we on the same side on this one?
NanjingNan Today at 00:38 AM
In the sense that almost everyone declares themselves the "Rightful Ruler."
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:38 AM
Ah.
I'm talking more about the ideals, influences, and technologies though.
Both Hailie Selassie and Sun Yat-Sen were willing to embrace modern ideals, much to their benefit over their more-backwards-thinking (Can I call them that?) opponents.
NanjingNan Today at 00:39 AM
Then yes, there are similarities. Of course, we have to remember that while the Ethiopian Conservative Faction rejected outside ideals and training due to the potential threats of outside influence, the Qing were denied those ideals and training because Taiwan outright rejected them.
Also yeah, you should be fine.
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:40 AM
Cool. Thanks.
And yeah, I guess that's a factor. Actually, that probably makes the Ethiopian Conservatives look worse, now that I think about it.
At least the Qing got curbstomped because their modernists refused to help them. Meanwhile the Conservatives refused the modernists because they thought they were a threat.
ViveLeInternationale Today at 00:41 AM
I think I can see where they're coming from, Freeb.
In the post-war world, we've seen massive social progress and upheaval. In less than a decade, China, France, and friends trained entirely new bureaucracies from scratch to serve as a viable alternative to colonial rule or a return to traditional forms of government.
That last part is probably why the Conservatives Ethiopians were less-welcoming to foreign advisors and trainers than the Reformist like Hailie Selassie. When the people offering to help you are the biggest threat to your power, you'd want to keep them at arm's length.
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:40 AM
Their loss.
ViveLeInternationale Today at 00:41 AM
Literally, in this case.
I don't think I've ever seen a curbstomp that bad since my time in the Great War.
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:42 AM
Didn't know you served, Viv.
ViveLeInternationale Today at 00:43 AM
"Served" is being generous. I drove a truck.
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:44 AM
Hey, that counts as serving. God knows how I'd survive if we didn't have logistics.
NanjingNan Today at 00:45 AM
It's simple: You don't.
FreeabooButNotRacist Today at 00:45 AM
Yeah... that's kinda why Hailie Selassie's Emperor now and pushing reforms.
Well that, fighter jets, more tanks than they knew what to do with, and a literal mountain of 5.56 rounds.
"S10E1: Mormonism and Coming to America," Men, Myth, Misinfo: Starring Harry Houdini and HP Lovecraft
(Title Card of Men, Myth, Misinfo, showing hosts HP Lovecraft and Harry Houdini)
HOUDINI: Alright, what do we have today?
LOVECRAFT: Mormonism.
HOUDINI: Ah. Exactly which part of it? The origins? The afterlife?
LOVECRAFT: It would be challenging to debunk the afterlife, now that you've driven most of the mediums out of business. No, today we will be discussing the Mormon claim that their prophet Lehi migrated to America in 600 BC.
HOUDINI: That... That is... certainly something.
LOVECRAFT: Indeed. According to the Mormons, Lehi and his family built a boat and sailed to the Americas under God's instructions, and they landed somewhere in Central America. In the Mormon theology, Lehi's son Laman rejected his father's teachings and persecuted his brothers Lehi and Samuel for their continued loyalty. Furthermore, the more-loyal Nephi would be chosen as Laman's successor.
HOUDINI: And as the eldest son, Laman would likely resent his brothers.
LOVECRAFT: Indeed. After Lehi's death and Nephi's rise, the colony in the Americas splits, with the righteous, at the time, followers of Nephi calling themselves "Nephites," and the followers of Laman and his brother Lemuel dubbed the "Lamanites." In response, God cursed the Lamanites for their rebellion by cutting them off from God's presence and, in their words, gave them a "Skin of Blackness," so as to not entice the Nephites.
HOUDINI: Which implies that the Lamanites are the ancestors of the Native Americans. And also implies some pretty terrible things about the Native Americans.
LOVECRAFT: Indeed. And the Lamanites would hate the Nephites, God's so-called chosen people, for centuries until the arrival of Jesus Christ to America.
HOUDINI: The what.
LOVECRAFT: Yes, it is as peculiar as it sounds. Jesus' time in America would coincide with the former Lamanites and Nephites reuniting into one people, until eighty-four years later when a second schism between Lamanites and Nephites occurred. This in turn would lead to another few centuries of internecine warfare between the two sides that had fallen into apostasy. The result of this conflict would be the outright annihilation of the Nephites by their once and former Lamanite kin while the latter would presumably go on to become the Native Americans of today.
HOUDINI: And that is it?
LOVECRAFT: Yes.
HOUDINI: Should this be found to be false, it would make for an interesting story. Now, how do you propose we analyze this?
LOVECRAFT: Seeing that the Mormons seem to believe that the Native Americans are the descendants of the Lamanites, we can analyze the genetics of Native Americans and compare them to Semitic peoples. Should the Book of Mormon be true, then the two peoples should be at least somewhat genetically similar.
HOUDINI: And the rest? Genetics is all well and good, but there should be some evidence of them in Central America... or any of the Americas.
LOVECRAFT: Indeed. Furthermore, we can compare what we do know about the stories' contemporaries to the stories themselves. Should the stories be true, then there should be few, if any inconsistencies with regard to the introduction of the horse, barley, wheat, the chariot, and true metallurgy.
HOUDINI: That is a tall order. And do you plan on us doing this all by ourselves, or do you have someone in mind to help us?
LOVECRAFT: That I do, Harry. This is John C. Ewers. Mr. Ewers is the Associate Curator of Ethnology at the Smithsonian Institution.
(Portrait of John C. Ewers)
EWERS: Thank you for having me.
HOUDINI: The pleasure is all ours. Now, given your background in anthropology, what can you tell us about the Mormon historical claims?
EWERS: To put it bluntly... It's historically inaccurate in almost every sense. For starters, Native Americans have genetic markers in their DNA that indicate that their ancestors migrated to America. From Asia. Over the Bering Land Bridge.
HOUDINI: I see... And what about the introduction of the horses?
EWERS: The scientific consensus, which is based on almost every bit of credible archaeological and historical evidence we have, indicates that horses went extinct in the Americas thousands of years ago, only to be re-introduced thousands of years later in the 15th century by the Iberians.
LOVECRAFT: In short, the Book of Mormon's claims are not only debunked by genetic evidence, but the historical claims are also inconsistent with effectively everything else we currently know.
EWERS: Based on our current information, anyways. It is theoretically possible that the Mormons are actually correct, but there is not any credible evidence that supports their claims.
LOVECRAFT: At least not from archaeologists, anthropologists, and historians who don't already agree with them.
HOUDINI: That seems to be the case. So, would you say that this debunked?
LOVECRAFT: I would say so, yes.
HOUDINI: It seems that way. One more question, Dr. Ewers.
EWERS: Yes?
HOUDINI: You don't have any plans on going to Utah in the near-future, do you?
EWERS: No, I don't think so. Why?
HOUDINI: Because I don't think any of us are going to be welcome there, anytime soon.
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Ishigaki Island