This isn't a chapter update, just an omake. I just felt silly.
***
"Tonight: Prichard crashes a priceless prototype, we lose track of our reasonably-priced 'Mech, and the Stig fights his battle armoured cousin."
TechWarrior 3020
"We've been to the Free Worlds League before," said Remy Clarkston. The tri-vid host stood on the ferrocrete of a military-looking facility, the purple eagle of House Marik visible on a building in the background.
"Despite sharing part of its name with the Star League, the Free Worlds League… the lesser League… has never been very good for original BattleMech production. They make all the old favourites, but so does everyone else. They created the
Longbow, but that's now manufactured in the Federated Suns and elsewhere. They gave us the
Flea, but that's now more famous as a Wolf's Dragoons 'Mech, and not a Marik one."
"But the Free Worlds League says," Clarkston continued, "that's changed. So TechWarrior is here to put that claim to the test."
The camera followed Clarkston as he walked down the ferrocrete, with his hands in the pockets of his bomber jacket. "Because mediums are the real backbone of 'Mech forces across the Inner Sphere and Periphery, the producers decided we should try out three of the Free Worlds League's new medium designs."
Clarkston stopped at the foot of a BattleMech - a clawed, digitigrade foot. The camera zoomed out and panned up, revealing the broad-shouldered shape of a forty-ton BattleMech, but one unfamiliar to most viewers.
"This," Clarkston said, "is the LIB-4T
Liberator by Kali Yama Weapons Industries."
"It looks like Kali Yama ran out of money," remarked Arames March, stepping into the frame. The co-host eyed the towering BattleMech with a critical eye. "Where's the rest of its torso?"
The BattleMech was indeed more shoulders and arms than body, with gangly and inhuman proportions.
"It's a low-profile chassis," Clarkston said, "to present a smaller target to the enemy."
"Looks like it needs a sandwich," March replied.
"Well," said Clarkston, irritably, "what have you brought, then?"
The camera panned over to a second medium BattleMech, this one obvious more massive and more heavily-armoured than the
Liberator, though still within the same weight class. Unlike the
Liberator's digitigrade feet and three-fingered clawed hands, the second BattleMech had a conventional humanoid layout, with regular hand actuators and sturdy-looking legs.
"I've got the MN1-2K
Sarissa from Corean Enterprises and Kevan-Zou Consolidated," March replied.
Remy Clarkston peered at his colleague's BattleMech. "If an IndustrialMech and a tank made sweet mechanical love in a factory... nine months later, that would be the result."
"KZC does build it on a converted industrial line," admitted March. "Like the original
Sarissa, in the twenty-fifth century."
"Wasn't the
Sarissa designed when the
Mackie was cutting-edge?"
March looked as if he was about to voice a retort, when the distinctive sound of a BattleMech's footfalls interrupted the exchange. Both March and Clarkston turned, as a third 'Mech arrived.
"It's Prichard," Arames March said. "He's brought a
Hermes II."
"He hasn't," muttered Clarkston. "Oh, for the love of… he has."
Prichard Gammond dismounted from the
Hermes II, using built-in handholds near the cockpit, and riding a zipline to the ground. He was already clad in a cooling vest and boxer shorts.
"Prichard," Clarkston asked, "what's that?"
"It's a
Hermes," replied the third host of the tri-vid programme.
"You utter pillock," Clarkston said, "you were supposed to bring a new medium BattleMech."
"It's a new
Hermes… "
March looked up at the BattleMech. "I get confused with the
Hermes series. Is that a
Hermes I or a
Hermes II? One of those isn't even a medium."
Prichard Gammond shrugged. "It's a
Hermes II."
"I don't see how you can tell," said Clarkston.
Gammond pointed at the 'Mech. "The Two has the… wait, no, that's the… "
"You see? They've been making the same BattleMech for four hundred years," Clarkston accused.
"The Irian Technologies brochure says that the new
Hermes II prototype has… 'thousands' of new parts," said March, in a voice that suggested he was directly quoting the marketing material.
"Ones that look exactly like the old parts, you mean," Clarkston shot back.
Gammond gestured at the first BattleMech in line. "It's still better looking than that. I know it's the
Sarissa that's supposed to be from an IndustrialMech factory, but the
Liberator looks like it stepped out of one."
"It's a revolutionary chassis," Clarkston defended. "It's an intimidating-looking BattleMech, a BattleMech that has anger-management problems."
"Eating problems, more like," March offered.
"Janos Marik commissioned this 'Mech himself," Clarkston continued.
"You realise," Gammond said, "you could stick a Kali Yama badge on an
UrbanMech - and the Free Worlds League would still buy it."
"Just look at it," Clarkston insisted. "It's a superb looking 'Mech. This is the future of 'Mech design."
"It looks even more like a scarecrow than the
Vulcan," March said.
"The
Liberator is meant to compete with both line trooper BattleMechs," Clarkston argued, "and fast mediums. That means… "
"Hold on," March interrupted. "You're not seriously suggesting that this... ridiculous-looking. overpriced, and over-budget boondoggle is an alternative to both the fifty-five trio and Prichard's
Hermes."
"I've suddenly remembered why I don't like talking to you," said Clarkston, petulantly.
"Just read the challenge," Gammond said.
"Right, then," muttered Clarkston, as he accepted an envelope from a crew member in technician's coveralls. Opening it, he read out the note card inside.
"Each of you must pilot your BattleMech across the Eagle Corps' hostile terrain combat course on the continent of Paltos. You lose ten points if you're killed, five points for any crash, and one point for each standard tick of armour and structural damage to the BattleMech."
"Your
Liberator does ninety-seven kilometres an hour, so does my
Hermes," Gammond pointed out, "and Arames'
Sarissa is slower. Are there any points for finishing first?"
Clarkston turned over the card, poking at the back. "It doesn't say."
"I'm feeling quite good about this, chaps," said March, brightly.
Prichard Gammond eyed March and Clarkston. "You know, he's going to make this into a race, anyway."
***
The distinctive silhouette of the LIB-4T moved across the countryside.
"In designing the
Liberator, Kali Yama Weapons looked back at centuries of BattleMech development and battlefield experience, tried and tested skeleton designs, reactor housings, and then said... no, we're not having any of that, we're giving a blank cheque to some blokes on Kalidasa."
Digitigrade feet crunched over terrain, as the 'Mech continued to lope across the landscape.
"On the outside, the
Liberator looks incredible. It's when you're inside that you start to wonder… where has all that taxpayer money gone? Not the pilot's seat. I had a more comfortable chair when I was in a Capellan prison. I've seen better build quality on a
Vindicator."
The holovid switched to an internal view of the cockpit, from a console-mounted camera looking at Remy Clarkston's sweating face.
"Kali Yama's new BattleMech has an amazingly daring torso and cockpit design. But does it perform any better? Well, after much deliberation, the simple answer is... no."
There was a muffled curse as the tri-vid host tried to pull on the throttle lever, only to bang his elbow and forearm against a metal strut and a control panel.
"Piloting the
Liberator is like trying to make love in a broom closet. It's very cramped, very hot, and you can't see what you're doing. In the end, you're not making love, you're just making do."
Weapons roared as the LIB-4T unleashed a full alpha strike, two flights of LRMs spitting from the arms, followed by more missiles from a shoulder-mounted SRM rack. Tracer light marked the path of a large gamma laser, unleashing its energy from a centre torso mount, straight on the BattleMech's midline.
Inside the cockpit, Remy Clarkston spoke over the muted sounds of alarms, and the droning voice of heat warnings.
"I'm now playing what I like to call Hot Seat. The rules are simple. You let the heat gauge fill up, you let the warning lights go on, and then you see which shuts down first, the fusion engine, or the MechWarrior."
The tri-vid screen showed the vaguely fuzzy forms of simulated opponents, projected on the field by holographic emitters - a pair of
Clints firing imaginary autocannons at the
Liberator, as the Kali Yama BattleMech engaged in evasive maneuvers.
"The handling is hysterical. It's like piloting a motorcycle with legs. Though I must say," Clarkston commented, "the two-forty engine does sound good, a very enthusiastic noise, like it's trying hard… wait, no, no, that's the coolant pumps. They're redlining again."
***
From the
Sarissa, Arames March frowned in consternation. "Is that… steam, coming off Remy's BattleMech?"
"Maybe he can try that old trick with cracking an egg in the radiator," Prichard Gammond said.
***
"In order to understand the significance of the
Sarissa," Arames March said, in a much more sedate-looking cockpit. "I want you to imagine the early days of BattleMech development."
The
Sarissa stomped across uneven ground, moving slower and more deliberately than the Liberator.
"The Terran Hegemony had just unveiled the
Mackie, and everyone was trying to make their own BattleMech. The Draconis Combine produced the
Gladiator, with a process so top secret that Coordinator Kozo Von Rohrs demanded round-the-clock surveillance of the designers, by the ISF."
Inside the
Sarissa, March lifted one gloved hand from the throttle lever, and patted the main console.
"Around this time, a team from Corean on Stewart creates this - the
Sarissa… with the schematics immediately distributed around the Free Worlds League, so any planet with an IndustrialMech plant and some elbow grease could build a BattleMech."
Faced with a simulated target, a
Chameleon, the
Sarissa fired its battery of lasers - the blasts passed through the
Chameleon, of course, but the hologram showed molten armour scoring off the enemy 'Mech in great rents.
"The modern
Sarissa built by KZC, under license from Corean, is really the same 'Mech - just with an updated cockpit, engine, and armour. They've kept the weapons, so it's slightly undergunned by trooper standards, but it also boasts more cooling than virtually any 'Mech in its tonnage. It's very difficult to overheat."
March smiled at the camera, from inside the cockpit, which was free from screeching alarms and heat warnings.
"So it's durable, extraordinary value for money, and more reliable than than the ComStar News Bureau… though… that's not hard to top, is it? More reliable than something very reliable."
The
Sarissa strode away from the projected holographic wreckage of the
Chameleon, accelerating back up to flank speed.
"I need to mention how it handles. The
Sarissa isn't agile, but it has a lot of power and stability for its frame. There's nothing revolutionary about its Magna 250 engine, it's the same one
Corean uses in their
Trebuchet - but the centre of gravity on a
Sarissa is lower and closer to the ground."
March paused.
"I quite like it, actually. It's simple, honest, engineering. Which means those two idiots will hate it."
***
"Meet the new
Hermes II," Prichard Gammond said. "Which looks the same as the old
Hermes II, yes… but wait."
The
Hermes II piloted by Gammond walked past the burned-out hulk of an older
Hermes BattleMech lying on the training course, before breaking into a run as the man inside pushed the throttle forward.
"Now, normally piloting a
Hermes II is like trying to get a chatty drunk mate out of the pub, and into a taxi. He's pleasant enough, he's being friendly, but it would be so much easier if he could just stand on his own two feet and go where he's supposed to."
As the
Hermes II ran, its metal feet and treaded soles churned up clouds of dirt and dust, along with great clumps of vegetation.
"The Star League
Hermes was a much lighter chassis, and although the twenty-ninth century
Hermes II we're all familiar with uses a bigger engine, it also carries more weight than the Star League version... so make that a drunk mate who's had a cheeky Nando's, or two, or three. In two hundred years, Irian have never recaptured the feeling of the original
Hermes."
The camera view switched to an interior shot of the cockpit. Gammond's face, visible beneath the clear front of his neurohelmet, grinned broadly.
"This, though… this is a
Hermes II who's sobered up, deleted his spacebook, and hit the gym."
Making a show of it, Gammond reached forward to the console, and flipped a clear protective cover up.
"Now, the
Hermes II has a lot of design features that are a holdover from previous decades… centuries… of evolution. When the
Hermes was first built, the heat sinks linked up to the feet of the 'Mech, the heels. There were heat radiators on the feet, like little wings. That's why the BattleMech is called the
Hermes."
Gammond toggled the switch beneath the cover.
"But eventually the designers adopted a more standard heat sink layout, piping and venting through the torso… exactly what Remy's
Liberator doesn't do. And we've seen how well that's worked for Kali Yama. The
Hermes II, though… most
Hermes 'Mechs still have those little foot wings. They just don't do anything. They haven't done anything for generations."
Six lights blinked on, glowing a steady green on the 'Mech's main console.
"Until now. This is what the boffins at Irian call the HER-4J. It uses an endo-steel chassis, like the original
Hermes, saving weight, and swaps the armour for ferro-fibrous. Now, 'Mech manufacturers like to put all kinds of letters and numbers after a BattleMech's name. Typically, that doesn't mean anything, but in this case, the 'J' is accurate. Because, unlike any other
Hermes II, Irian's tuning allows the 4J to do… this."
Plasma burst from the feet and back of the
Hermes II, sending the 'Mech soaring into the sky in a dramatic arc, framed by the tri-vid camera.
"Look, ma, I'm flying!"
Then the
Hermes II came back down to earth, the jump jets blazing wildly, and the whole 'Mech wobbling dangerously as it descended. Within the cockpit, Prichard Gammond's eyes widened.
"Oh dearie me."
***
Applause filled the hangar.
Arames March turned to his colleague. "And your verdict on the
Liberator is?"
"I love it," Remy Clarkston insisted.
"You're just being stubborn," Prichard Gammond countered. "You made it sound like a dog's breakfast."
"It's utterly daft. It's hot, uncomfortable, cramped interior, an awful ride, the engine doesn't make a particularly nice noise, and it isn't economical," Clarkston listed off, eliciting a faint amount of laughter from the audience. "But there's such a thrill, such a sense of occasion, when you pilot it."
"BattleMechs are supposed to strike terror into the hearts of the enemy, not their own pilots," March said, dryly.
"The thing is that... Kali Yama have told us," Clarkston noted, "the
Liberator I piloted was an early test model, and the actual ones which are going on sale are going to have a completely different cooling system, better ride comfort, revised cockpit controls. Completely different."
Gammond blinked. "Which begs the question, why did they let us review that one?"
"So all they've got to do," Clarkston summed up, "is change everything, put everything a proper BattleMech has into it, and it'll be terrific."
March looked at his other co-host. "And Prichard, the
Hermes II?"
"It's a gorgeous BattleMech. I think it's fab," Gammond replied.
"As an engineering exercise, the
Hermes II is astonishing," Clarkston admitted, grudgingly. "But all their efforts with the skeleton and the jets and the agility - and look at it, it looks exactly like an old
Hermes."
"From a tactical perspective," March said, "isn't that an advantage?"
"But here's the thing," Gammond pointed out. "Irian says it's also a prototype, like the
Liberator. Except while we know that Kali Yama is rolling out the
Liberator, Irian's 4J
Hermes II is more of a concept 'Mech. To show us what the future of the
Hermes series might look like. They might not put it into production."
There were boos from the crowd.
"Wait," Clarkston protested. "So the one
Hermes II they get right - in decades - and they're not building it?"
"They might do something else with the weight savings from the endo-steel," Prichard Gammond said.
"They're bloody teasing us, that's what they're doing," Clarkston grumbled.
"Alright," March interrupted. "Which brings us to the
Sarissa."
"Yes," Clarkston said, "your glorified pickup truck."
March gave a small shake of his head. "Let's say you're a Free Worlds League procurement officer, and you've got to buy a new BattleMech. You're not going to buy that
Liberator, are you? It's fancy, but you don't want fancy, you want reliable."
"Right," Clarkston admitted.
"And you can't buy that new
Hermes II," March said. "Even if you want it."
"Right," Clarkston said again.
"So you'd buy one of these," March concluded.
"But it's boring," Clarkston complained. "For almost the same price point, I'd take a
Shadow Hawk, a
Griffin, a
Wolverine… "
"Well," Gammond said, looking directly at the camera. "Nobody offered us updated models of those to test."
"So," Clarkston said, briskly. "Our guest tonight is a famous mercenary MechWarrior, rarely seen on camera - or on any other sensors, for that matter. But will he be seen in our reasonably-priced-'Mech? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome - Colonel Morgan Kell!"
***
