Nakulian Year 6240, Apex Stars
You didn't have time for this - you had Farbeasts to slay, people to protect. You were too important to be standing here dealing with a patient who should be in bed. "Get back to the hospital before the nurses need to drag you there. My mother has enough worries right now." You bit back as you tried to step past the girl in question. She was tiny compared to you, barely up to the top of your chest. She couldn't stop you. And yet as you tried to move past her, she moved to block your path - you could hear the strain as she did it, the pain in her breathing as she tore at her stitching.
Small as she was, your friend stared you in the eyes. You could see how she was trembling, you could hear the rattling of her spear as she held onto it for life - you knew she had to be in pain just standing there. Her spear was holding her up but even a slight brush and you could send her falling to the floor. You could hear the rasp of her breathing, the whistling noise deep in her chest from what had barely been patched up. Her face was pale, her lips a shadow of their former color as you looked at them, and yet she stood in your way and she stared at you with more fire to her than you'd ever seen from her. Your friend who was too scared to speak up to her Mentor's abuses, who was too scared to travel into the darkness, the friend who could barely speak in front of more than a single person now stood unwavering even as you tried to brush her off. "Isha... please talk to me. It's okay to not be brave with me. We're friends."
The way she looked at you was far from the first blow, and further from the most severe, but the wall that you had built in your mind began to crumble at last. The bravado, the strength that you used to push everything down faded as she stood up to you for the first time. You felt a scream forming in your chest as everything you wanted to yell out bubbled like the poisonous concoction you'd been unintentionally forming, the hundreds of venoms feeding on each other and only growing stronger as each one was absorbed in turn by the worst. But instead of a scream, all you could whisper out as the first tears flowed from your eyes were - "My dad's dead." The quiet whimper was far from your recent tone, no strength, no assured Rightness in it. Your hammer began to shake in your hands as you trembled. "My dad's dead and he's never coming back." You couldn't even see Jute anymore, her form obscured by the welling stream of tears that blinded you to all else.
But you could feel her wrap her small arms around you, even with your armor on - you could feel her weight as she leaned on you to keep herself upright. "I'm so sorry Isha." Your friend's voice was gentle, it was kind, even as it was pained - as it strained to come out. "You can't kill yourself like this though. You can't. It's not... it's just not right. He wouldn't want you hurting like that. He wouldn't want to see you injured, straining, forcing yourself into danger. He loved you."
"It doesn't matter because he's dead!" You said it louder now, you shook as you said it, a half laugh coming out as you choked on your own breathing, a sad pathetic laugh, "Nothing he'd want matters because he's dead!" You repeated the word and each time you said it you felt weaker, you felt smaller, "He's gone, gone gone gone. He can't do anything! He can't protect me, us, here, he can't do it, he's nothing now, he was the hero and now he's just dead." You clenched, and you heard a whimpering noise - but it wasn't that that brought you back to your senses. It was something else, something you were oh so used to now - the slight tinge of iron.
"ISHA!" The voice in your head screamed at you in the same moment that you became aware of it, the boy's tone frantic and forceful.
You sobered up in a second as the smell of blood came through, and you looked down to the smaller girl you had squeezed as you collapsed. And you saw the dark blue robes darkening around her chest where he wound was. The girl in question wobbled as you pulled back - and you barely caught her in your arms, only for your armor to cause less than comfortable landing, barely different from falling into the floor. You scrambled towards the only workplace near by - your room. The lonely room that drove you insane was now your closest refuge as you quite nearly kicked the door down.
Your medical supplies were full - you were basically a mini-hospital. You had everything on hand that they did, every tool, every poultice, every herb, every ground up farbeast horn, every single thing was held on your back. It was only because you were so strong that you could carry it all, but in this moment the weight felt like nothing as you tore your way towards the wound in question. You wished you had the Signet, you wished you could heal her wound away - but you were far from the Hospital, and if you'd reopened her wound in full she may not make it there. You were losing it. You'd broken her the first time and now you'd broken her again. Your friend was going to die because of you, because of you just like your Fa-
"Isha, focus." Rama's voice called out gently this time as the panic began to overcome you. You no longer had your wall to keep your emotions out, and they were so strong, "She's breathing, you can hear that she is. It's not worse than before. You didn't re-puncture her lung. Just focus on my voice, don't listen to anything else in here." The voice was calm and collected as you panicked, and as he pointed out those things you noticed them too - the whistling was no more intense, the laboring breaths were clearly painful but were there. She was breathing.
Slowly you made your way through taking care of your friend - your scaled armor had ripped open the sutures of her wound, and the force of your hug had probably cracked another of her ribs. But she didn't seem to be bleeding internally, and as you sat at her side as she bled over your bed, stitching up her wound once more, you felt heavy. You could remember every word your mother said to you on how to check this kind of wound, on how to treat it. You remembered every line of every piece of medical text you'd poured over night after night. You disappeared into the protection of that knowledge for the moment.
But that protection was fleeting, it was temporary - the paper wall of knowledge could not hold back what you once had an iron wall to contain. In the end, you probably should have called for a Nurse to come and help as you finished, but you couldn't move. Your entire body refused to move as you sat there watching the poor girl who had come to snap you out of your suicidal rage. Even Rama's soothing voice faded away as you cried. You shook and you cried and you screamed wordless screams of pain as everything you wanted to yell came out at once.
"We're all going to die." You said the words as you cried, the fear rising to the top and needing to be said, "I can't protect everyone. I can't replace Dad." You weren't sure if you were talking to Rama or to Jute as you said the words out loud, "I'm not strong like him. I'm not fast like him. I should have learned from him. I should have spent more time with him. I should have helped him save people, I should have... I should have done something different. I should have spent more time getting faster, or I should have enhanced my senses, I should have... I should have... I should have learned to cultivate, I should have pushed to strengthen the ring even more, I should have done something, something anything. Then he wouldn't be dead. We wouldn't all be dead." You squeezed your hands so hard around your now unarmored knee that you could feel the bruises starting to form. You couldn't feel the front of your head as everything just hurt.
"Oh Isha..."
"Isha..." The two people closest to you spoke in near unison, internally and out loud... but only one could reach their arm to rest their oh so small hand on your white knuckle grasp, "It's going to be okay." Her voice trembled as she said it, but she still said it, even as your fear filled her with fear, "We're not gonna die. We're gonna live long and happy lives. We'll be okay."
If only you could believe her, but you never were the hopeful type. "Everyone I care about is going to die. Just like my Dad. Just like my Uncle. We're going to fight. We're gonna fight until our last breath, and we're going to die protecting this place, and it's not going to matter because we all die. Every. Guardian. Dies. And it's not dignified. It's not beautiful. It's not honorable. It's just bloody and messy. We're losing. We're all losing. My uncle... my Uncle thought that, he thought that I could save us. That I would be a hero. That my compatibility with the oh so incompatible Signet was a sign of a Change, of something improving. I trained. And I trained. And I TRAINED." You huddled down in your seat next to the bed, covering your face as you cried out in fear and shame, "Every day. Every day and every night I worked to be a hero. I wanted to save my family. But in the end even my Uncle knew it was hopeless, didn't he? I was never gonna be able to save everyone. He said he regretted it. That he regretted those days. Those nights. That he wished he hadn't pushed me to it. Would he have regretted it, had I came out better? Had I come out stronger?"
"I worked. and I worked. And I suffered. And everything hurt. But it was for something. It was for everyone. It was for them. My bones broke and cracked and they became heavy and unnatural. My body ripped and tore itself apart, and I became a monster to everyone, I listened to their whispers and their jibes and their quiet hate they thought I couldn't hear and it was okay because I was becoming a hero to save them. Everyone, everyone, everyone kept promising me that it'd get better and it only gets worse. It gets worse and worse and I can't see anything getting better. I screamed and I fought and I made Dad angry and scared because I thought it would help me save him in the future. I thought that if I volunteered myself, if I became a hero, it'd help him, that I could take some of the load off of his shoulders. That he'd be happier in time. But all I did was make his final year miserable. I never spoke to him except to learn to be a better soldier, I never... I never... I told him he was wrong, I yelled and screamed at him. I ran away, and I nearly got myself killed. I nearly got myself ripped apart by the dead. Maybe if I'd died things would have been better. Maybe if I'd never come back, maybe then something would have changed. Dad would have protected Mom and their new kid and not died. She wouldn't have gotten paralyzed."
Jute listened in silence as everything came out, every bit of pain cascading, even as you rambled into something she couldn't possibly understand, "Rama... Rama you promised to make me stronger. To make me better than this. You said you'd teach me to be better... that I'd be more than mortal. But all I did was anger the Signet. All I did was weaken myself and offend my teacher, drive a rift further between my family and I as I became less of what they hoped and gained... what did I gain? If I hadn't accepted you, if I hadn't gone that way, would things have been different? Would I have been good enough to save him if I didn't have you - would my Mother had been safe away from the danger if I was the one holding the Signet without you here? Why did you come? Why did you have to be kind and caring, why couldn't you be a... a monster for me to feed off of, to destroy and be better for? Why did you have to make me care and why did you have to care? Why did you have to worry and limit me when you found danger? Why couldn't you be heartless, why couldn't you destroy me and build me anew like the Signet promised? Why couldn't you be like Darpan, he would have... he would have..." Your brain started to throb as you approached the forbidden subject - a different kind of throbbing than before. It felt like it was going to rip itself apart and you cried out in pain and anguish, "AUIGH!"
"Isha... Isha you're talking to someone who isn't here..." Your friend's voice was concerned, it was scared, as she squeezed your hand gently. "No one... there's no one named Rama in our home. It's okay... it's okay, they're not here..."
"There is. There is." You rocked back and forth, "Just no one living. I ran away. Do you remember when I ran away? When everyone came looking for me? I didn't find nothing that day. I found... I found death, I found death and the dead. You were right to fear the ghosts hiding in the dark hallways." You shook as you told her the truth, your convulsions as your emotions poured out getting worse not better, "I found them, ghosts deep in the halls. They were going to kill me. But instead I became... I became paired to one. I took one into me. His name is Rama, and when he was alive our realm... our realm flourished, it was wide spread. There weren't Farbeasts, we weren't dying out, we were strong and numerous. His father held my Father's blade, and ruled over hundreds of thousands of people. Can you imagine that, Jute? Can you picture a hundred thousand people living together? And yet he served someone who ruled over millions. I have seen his memories, I have seen so many people that they were impossible to pick apart, a blur of so many voices and faces in one room that they make the Great Hall look like nothing. He's why I changed. Why I... why I decided to start learning to use my Hammer. He used one in life, and he wielded a power... a power that no one here knows about. They held power like the Armaments in their own body. They were all Armaments. He could make the earth tremble with a step, without anything special. He said he could make me one. I was going to... I was going to learn... but then he said it was too dangerous."
You looked her in the eyes and saw the confusion, "I sound crazy, I know, but I'm not. Everything... everything I've gotten praised for lately, it's been him. He's why everyone thought I was a prodigy on the battlefield, it's because he is that good at it. My hammer came to me as second nature because it was to him. My ability to ward off so many enemies at once came from his ability to walk into them and destroy them all. It's all been him, not me. I'm a fraud. And then... and then the Signet, she hated him. She said he made me weak, and I... I believed... I believed her? Using her hurt, in a way it never did before. Because of him. And so I wouldn't be able to save everyone, I wouldn't be able to be the hero, and she was mad and I was scared. And so I tried to... I tried to overwhelm him, and I'm a monster. He helped me and I tried to kill him. And yet he's been trying to... trying to comfort me, trying to... care for me, and protect me. Just like you... just like I almost killed you... and yet you're... I just... I can't do anything right. I can't. I'm always... I'm always hurting someone. Scaring... someone. Angering someone. And then... and then they die. I can't fix it now. I can't fix anything. I can't protect you or anyone else."
You leaned into the pull as the small, fragile, and heavily injured girl pulled you closer. Her arms wrapped around you as you shook and sobbed. "I... I spent time with them, you know. Your Uncle... a-and your Dad too. And they... they never were mad at you, whenever they'd talk about you it was... it was loving, it was like you were the best thing in the world. They loved you with... with every bit of love that they had. It's... you don't have to... I think... I know that they are proud of you, as they return to Nakul. Even if you feel like you shamed them." Her labored breathing was soothing as you rest your head gently against the bed. Even as it sounded so pained and tired, the presence was something that soothed. And you slowly felt yourself fading off as she continued to talk through her own exhaustion, "You don't have to be a hero. You don't... I don't need you to protect me all the time. I will... I'll work hard with you, so I can help you. I'm so... so sorry that I relied on you so much. I thought.... I thought you were unbreakable but... I I do know I was wrong. But I'll try hard. Hard enough that you don't have to hold it all yourself. Okay, Isha?" There was a pause in her thought for a long moment, "Isha...?" She asked you it more quietly, as she brushed the rough, unkempt hair that you'd stopped tending to out of your face.
Only to find your eyes shut tight, as you drifted off to the labored sounds of your friend's promise.
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When you woke up, you knew where you were - but not how you got there. You'd recognize the smells of the Hospital from anywhere. You turned over and came face to face with your Mother, sitting... paralyzed in her chair, Lochan behind her as she watched you. The lines of Armament overuse spread all over her body, her dark circles making her look dead to the world, "You had people worried, my little sunspot." She brushed her fingers through your hair as she said it, her tone trying to hide her empty grief, "Rohan feared the worst when you didn't show up to your shift. It took him a lot of effort to carry you both back here without reopening her wounds." You looked past your Mother, and saw Jute asleep in her bed again, "I was worried when we realized she'd snuck out, but..." She gave a wan smile that was clearly forced, "I suppose I can forgive her. It appears to have been needed."
You stared at her for a moment, and then tears started to form in your eyes, "Mom... what are we going to do...?" You could see the shock on her face as you asked the question - the strong, 'mature for her age' warrior of a daughter acting vulnerable. But soon enough her arms wrapped around you as the few tears you had left came out.
"We're going to do our very best. Even if it's hard." The tears fell down her face as well, pooling into her sunken cheeks before falling down.
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Something needed to change - with you, with your home, with your friends, something. Running into a pointless defense helped a symptom, but not the disease that was slowly crushing in. You had to do something, something real. But maybe you didn't have to do it all on your own.
[ ] A. Approach Darpan and try to help his plan to create Warriors with Farbeast-like powers.
[ ] B. Take back the Signet and try to become the hero your Uncle thought you were capable of - and heal the wounded.
[ ] C. Try to synthesize yourself with Rama under the watchful ghost Seer.
[ ] D. Continue to absorb Rama's essence into you.
[ ] E. Attempt to learn Cultivation forcibly by traveling outside the Embrace to a place of power.
[ ] E1. Take Jute with you as support, once she is well.
[ ] E2. Try to convince your Mentor to go with you to protect you. (This means talking about Rama)
[ ] F. Attempt to learn Cultivation forcibly by consuming the spirit-core of a powerful Farbeast, despite the heavy risks.
[ ] G. Seek out the Treasures of the Embrace in hopes that they may hold some solution.
[ ] G1. Take Jute with you as support, once she is well.
[ ] H. Get involved in the politics of the Embrace, and try to mend the current schism that is splitting your people in a time of chaos.
[ ] I. Seek out the Ghosts of the Outer Embrace, and see if they would be willing or able to bond with others like they did you.
[ ] J. Write in
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Hello everyone.