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Where I Watch: My Little Pony

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woweed said:
Ah, I do have a certain affection for "character who is genuinely trying to be a good guy, but whose mindset/powers seem to be naturally inclined towards evil, a fact they find deeply inconvient". See also: Dumbledore, Professor X, Satsuki Kiryūin...Lots of these guys seem to run schools for magic teenagers....Taylor Hebert...
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See also: Starlight Glimmer.

In Discord's case... post-redemption, well, there's the issue that he is a spirit of disharmony. Conflict is such a central part of who he is that when he tries to be "normal" and temperate, it almost literally kills him. I think the reason he keeps pushing buttons and causing trouble even when he becomes a better person is because he's looking for an outlet that'll let him stay on good terms with his friends without literally erasing himself from existence.
...My headcanon is that by the epilogue's end, he's achieved that by being an epic game-master of Ogres&Oubliettes.
 
sun tzu said:
See also: Starlight Glimmer.

In Discord's case... post-redemption, well, there's the issue that he is a spirit of disharmony. Conflict is such a central part of who he is that when he tries to be "normal" and temperate, it almost literally kills him. I think the reason he keeps pushing buttons and causing trouble even when he becomes a better person is because he's looking for an outlet that'll let him stay on good terms with his friends without literally erasing himself from existence.
...My headcanon is that by the epilogue's end, he's achieved that by being an epic game-master of Ogres&Oubliettes.
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OH, sun question: What sort of GM would each of the Mane Six be. Off the top of my head:
Twilight: Encyclopedic knowledge of the rules. She never forgets a bonus, or a penalty. Not so great at description, but quite good. It's the more social aspects of the game she can't get down. Has plans within plans within plans, but can get easily frazzled when things go wrong.
Pinkie: It's not clear if even SHE knows what's going on in her campaigns. She's immensely creative and zany, and, though she's chaotic, she just barely manages to keep things functional, helped along by a true mastery of improv. Has the best jokes, and sings often.
Applejack: Well-rounded, practical, firm respect for the rules, amazing poker face. A jack of all trades DM, and amazing at stamping out player misbehavior. Often known for paying attention to even the smallest details.
Rainbow Dash: A kick-in-the-door DM. Not much for setting, she's all about those encounters. Combat is where she THRIVES.
Rarity: A DM of Intrigue and talking, complex multi layered stories, but kinda light on action.
Fluttershy: Shy and retiring, and not great at combat, Fluttershy proves to have a shocking aptitude for the game, particularly the more roleplaying side of it. It takes her a bit to rev up, but, when she gets into a character, she comes alive. She's generally great at charatization and writing, even if she's shaky when it comes to talking OOC and the mechanics. Does the voices.
 
Here's my thing with Discord.

I... I'm tired.

I'm tired of him doing horrible things and basically getting away with it. I'm tired of the apologia concerning him in and out of universe. I'm tired of being told I'm wrong and how dare I and/or his victims not fall over themselves to forgive him. What's that, Striker? You don't like him and/or his actions? What the fuck's the matter with you? How dare you?

And it just smacks of victim-blaming, Draco in Leather Pants and other assorted tropes. And I'm just fucking tired of it. I don't find villains to be cooler than the good guys. I hate Discord and his actions. As for the whole 'has to do chaos or he'll fade away' which some of you will/have brought up? 1. He can do that away from others. 2. Pinkie and Cheese have shown that you don't have to be malicious to be chaotic. 3. I don't really give a shit if he fades away. Good riddance to the bastard!

How many times with him, huh? How many times must he gaslight or put others into danger? How many times? I'm sick of it with him. I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of being told how horrible I am for not falling over myself to forgive others who have wronged me or assholes like Discord who willingly cause pain and misery to others. Okay, I get it. I'm horrible. I'm a piece of crap. I'm worse than the villain. I've been told how horrible I am before and will be told again.
 
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One Bad Apple
  • Threadmarks
    • "Dear Momjesty,
    "I am pleased to report that my ponycidal hatred management classes are progressing quite well. Just yesterday, I was able to stare at pictures of the STOOPIDS and think about their escapades for two hours straight, and by the end of it, I had managed to stab the pictures with random sharp objects less than five times!
    In fact, allow me to relate to you some interesting developments concerning these three fillies..."


    ONE BAD APPLE


    Applebloom: "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh whattowearwhattowearwhattowear!"
    Applejack: "'Bloom, ya ain't bein' sent ta close a contract with God-Queen Celestia. Ye're meetin' yer cousin Babs Seed, is all."
    Applebloom: "But she's from Manehattan an' stuff! Ah wanna make a good impression! Lesse... Do ya think this color goes well with mah mane?"
    Applejack: "Ah think hangin' with Rarity's relatives might be a bad influence on ya."
    Applejack: "Besides, Babs and ya already got somethin' in common. You, 'Bloom, are late, and she is a late-bloomer."
    Applebloom: "Ya mean she..."
    Applejack: "...has a flank that's as blank as a list o'Uwe Boll fans."
    Applebloom: "Why didn't ya say that first?! Ah'm off ta get tha Cutie Mark Crusaders!"
    Applejack: "...Ye're supposed ta welcome yer cousin ta town, not drive 'er off!"


    Applebloom: "WE ARE THE CMC!"
    Scootaloo: "YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED!"
    Sweetie Belle: "RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!"
    CMC: "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS RECRUITMENT IS A GO!"
    Applejack: "...Darn kids."
    Scootaloo: *manages to almost hover* "You really think she'll wanna join the CMC?"
    Applebloom: "Of course she will! What's more important in life than gettin' yer cutie mark?"
    Sweetie Belle: *makes sparks with horntip* "I'm so excited are you excited I've never been so excited except that time Pinkie Pie was all 'GASP' but..."
    Train: *arrives*
    Applebloom: "Oooh, oooh, is Babs tha one with tha cutie mark that looks like a... Oh. Guess not."
    Applebloom: "Oooh, oooh, is Babs tha one with tha beard? ...Not either, huh?"
    Applebloom: "Oooh, oooh, is Babs tha one who's a cow?"
    Applejack: "Applebloom? Ya know that thing ya do, where yer synapses ain't firin'? Ye're doin' it again. Stop doin' it."
    Filly: *gets off train*
    Applejack: "And that would be Babs."
    Babs Seed: "All right. Ponyville, then. Well, should be simple and quiet compared to Maneha-"
    Applebloom: "WELCOME! WELCOME TA PONYVILLE! AH AM YER COUSIN APPLEBLOOM! YA SHALL ADORE ME AS AH ADORE YA!"
    Babs Seed: "What?"
    Sweetie Belle: "WE WILL HUG YOU AND PET YOU AND CALL YOU GEORGE!"
    Babs Seed: "What?"
    Scotaloo: "ERASE YOUR PAST! YOUR LIFE BEGINS HERE!"
    Babs Seed: "What?"
    Applebloom: "Oooh, it's gonna be so fun! Ponyville's Summer Harvest parade is comin' up, and..."
    Babs Seed: "Summer Harvest parade? What?"
    Applejack: "It's a country thing."
    Applebloom: "And we've been makin' our own float and ya can totally ride with us!"
    Babs Seed: "..."
    Babs Seed: "...Why are they called 'floats'?"
    Applejack: "Not sure. Ah think tha tradition originally started in Cloudesdale or somethin'."
    Applebloom: "OK, enough! Scootaloo, kidnap Babs and take 'er ta tha clubhouse!"
    Babs Seed: "What?"
    Scootaloo: *kidnaps Babs Seed*


    Applebloom: "Behold! The fully operational clubhouse of the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"
    Babs Seed: "The who where what now?"
    Applebloom: "The Cutie Mark Crusaders! An organization devoted exclusively ta advancin' tha cutie mark-related agenda o'cutie mark-challenged foals like us! And like you!"
    Babs Seed: *covers blank flank with tail*
    Scootaloo: "Our quest for cutie marks is unending and eternal!"
    Sweetie Belle: "No blank flank left behind!"
    Applebloom: "Because as we all know, nothin' in life is nearly as darn-tootin' important as gettin' yer cutie mark!"
    Scootaloo: "Life would be otherwise meaningless!"
    Sweetie Belle: "And the horror and shame of being a blank flank ought to be cut short as much as possible!"
    Applebloom: "Cutie marks!"
    Scootaloo: "Cutie marks!"
    Sweetie Belle: "Cutie Marks!"
    CMC: "CUTIE MARKS!"
    Babs Seed: "...Da buck did I just watch?"
    Applebloom: "Gals, she doesn't seem impressed."
    Sweetie Belle: "...Think they heard about the Gabby Gums thing in Manehattan? Or the Smooze?"
    Applebloom: "We agreed never ta mention tha Smooze again!"
    Scootaloo: "Well, I guess we'll have to pull out the big guns!"

    Applebloom: "Behold! The fully operational float of the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"
    Babs Seed: "Why is it shaped like a pumpkin? Aren't you apple farmers?"
    Scootaloo: "Um... actually, it kinda did start out as an apple."
    Applebloom: "Except somepony messed up the schematics."
    Sweetie Belle: "Math is hard, OK?!"
    Applebloom: "Anyway, we're gonna be ridin' it at the Summer Harvest parade, and ye're invited! It'll be awesome!"
    Diamond Tiara: "Yeah, in the biblical sense of the word."
    Silver Spoon: "Equestria to the Dork Patrol: Your dokiness levels are critical."
    Applebloom: "Oh, look. It's Bulk and Skull."
    Diamond Tiara: "Oh, look. It's the morons who've managed to double the insurance rates across Ponyville over the last two seasons in their retarded quest for cutie marks."
    Silver Spoon: "Speaking of which, who's the new blank flank?"
    Babs Seed: "Eep."
    Applebloom: "That would be my cousin, Babs. Who's from Manehattan, which means you are defeated forever."
    Diamond Tiara: "Manehattan. You don't say. I suppose you have at least this much going for you. Say, do the words 'Golden Years Tarnished Black' mean anything to you?"
    Babs Seed: "..."
    Babs Seed: "So, how about you two and I ditch the Three Stooges here and go somewhere cooler."
    Applebloom: "GASP!"
    Scootaloo: "SHOCK!"
    Sweetie Belle: "HORROR!"
    Diamond Tiara: "Big city attitude. I approve!"
    Babs Seed: "Naaaah. This is big city attitude!" *breaks float*
    Scootaloo: "You... really shouldn't have done that, Babs."
    Babs Seed: "Oh yeah? Why not?!"
    Scootaloo: "Because that's how you activate the Rube Goldberg machine."
    Rube Goldberg machine: *Annihilates float*
    Applebloom: "Why did we even install that thing?!"
    Sweetie Belle: "It's traditional!"
    Babs Seed: "Please. It's hardly a Rube Goldberg machine if there's just one lousy freaking step. Looks to me like your pumpkin just got... squashed." *puts on shades*
    Diamond Tiara & Silver Spoon: "Yeahhhh!"
    Scootaloo: "That pun proves it! You're evil incarnate! Prepare for a cleansing of the hoof-to-the-face kind!"
    Sweetie Belle: "Ah, I wouldn't do that if I were you, Scootaloo."
    Scootaloo: "Why not?!"
    Sweetie Belle: "Because Brooklyn Rage is a thing. Back in Manehattan, bucking someone in the face is considered an appropriate way of saying hello. Getting into street fights is a common way to kill some time. Foals have to wear boxing gloves in the classroom so their brawling won't make enough noise to disrupt the lesson."
    Scootaloo: "Wow, really?"
    Sweetie Belle: "At least, that's what my parents say!"
    Applebloom: "You just wait 'till Ah tell Applejack! She's gonna..."
    Babs Seed: "Tell whom? What are you, a SNITCH?!"
    Applebloom: "GASP!"
    Scootaloo: "SHOCK!"
    Sweetie Belle: "HORROR!"
    Diamond Tiara: "Oh no she didn't!"
    Silver Spoon: "Um, gee Babs, even I think calling somepony the S-word is kinda extreme."
    Babs Seed: "C'mon, you two. Let's get outta here before the stench of crybabyness knocks us out."
    CMC: "..."
    Applebloom: "...Da buck did Ah just watch?"
    Sweetie Belle: "We gotta tell Applejack!"
    Applebloom: "Absolutely not! We're not S-words!"
    Scootaloo: "Yeah! And we're not babies! What, you think adults go to the police when they have trouble with criminals?! No! They handle their own problems like adults!"
    Applebloom: "Exactly! We'll just avoid her until she gets back home! We just gotta keep..."

    [To the tune of "One Jump Ahead":]
    Babs Seed: "One step, ahead of the blockheads
    One kick, ahead of their nose
    I'll just bully you when I get close! (That's all the time!)
    One jump, ahead of the losers
    Float's fixed? Then make sure it's broke
    You clowns are the butt of life's big joke."

    Applebloom: "Bully!"
    Scootaloo: "Asshat!"
    Sweetie Belle: "Why us?!"
    Babs Seed: "Take that!
    Don't cry you big babies"
    Scootaloo: "Girls, I think she's got the rabies!"
    Babs Seed: "Losers take a hint
    Gotta face the facts
    I'll always keep ahead of you!"

    Applebloom: "Darn it all mah cousin always finds us!"
    Sweetie Belle: "Like she knows where bullied foals can hide!"
    Scootaloo: "Have I mentioned she's a total jackass?"
    Babs Seed: "Gonna take your stuff, gonna take your food
    And to finish I will take your pride!

    One jump, ahead of the stupids!
    One skip, ahead of my prey!
    Once I leave the trauma's here to stay!
    One jumps ahead of my victims
    One hit, to their ugly face
    Gonna buck them into outer space!"

    Scootaloo: "Why, Babs?!"
    Sweetie Belle: "Why, Faust?!"
    Applebloom: "Why, cos?!"
    Babs Seed: "Get lost!
    There's no escape for you"
    CMC: "She will turn us all into glue!"
    Babs Seed: "Always stay ahead, always gonna win
    There is no escape for you foals!

    One jump ahead of their hoofbeats
    One hop to their hiding spot
    One trick to cause a disaster
    They're quick, but I'm much faster!
    Here goes, gonna cave your face in
    Wish you happy landing
    All I gotta do is BUCK!"


    Scootaloo: "So, she stole my Nightmare Night costume..."
    Sweetie Belle: "...forced me to listen to Pinkie Pie's rambling for two hours straight..."
    Applebloom: "...an' forced-fed me somethin' she dug up from Fluttershy's pet cemetery. Life is Hell."
    Scootaloo: "You know... It's not like we've never been in bad situations before... But somehow, this one feels different. Any clue why?"
    Sweetie Belle: "Now that you mention it, it does feel... off."
    Applebloom: "Well... Maybe it's because this time, our problem ain't even remotely our fault?"
    Sweetie Belle: "Holy Celestia, you're right!"
    Scootaloo: "But... If we're not causing it in the first place, doesn't that mean we can't stop causing it, either?"
    Applebloom: "Maybe if we just spend tha rest o'tha week at the clubhouse, we-"
    Babs Seed: "Hey! You dorks get the buck away from my clubhouse!"
    Scootaloo: "GabagabagabagabagabaOUTRAGE OVERLOAD! THIS IS OUR clubhouse!"
    Babs Seed: "Tough economy. You've been repossessed."
    Silver Spoon: "Yay! Now we've got ourselves the clubhouse we never actually wanted!"
    Diamond Tiara: "And they DON'T! This is the happiest day of my life!"
    Scootaloo: "SCOOTALOO SMASH! SCOOTALOO SMASH PUNY PONY PUKE!"
    Sweetie Belle: "Scoots, don't! Remember the Brooklyn Rage!"
    Applebloom: "C'mon, cos! What have we evah done ta yah?!"
    Babs Seed: "You exist."
    Babs Seed: "Oh, and Sweetie Belle? More like Sweetie Bot. With that annoying voice of yours, you sound like a freaking robot."
    Sweetie Belle: "..."
    Sweetie Belle: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
    Scootaloo: "Make Sweetie Cry? You're gonna DIE."


    Sweetie Belle: "Forever a robot... Forever a robot... Damage detected in heart drive... Beep, beep, beep..."
    Scootaloo: "That bitchy, no-good, abominable, lousy evil [CENSORED]! How dare she kick us out of our own clubhouse?!"
    Applebloom: "And mah own bed!"
    Scootaloo: "...By all the alicorns, seriously?!"
    Sweetie Belle: "This is too much! We have to tell Applejack!"
    Applebloom: "No way! She may take our lunch money, our dignity, our health, our clubhouse, our lives, our souls, and our freedom, but she will nevah take our non-snitchiness!"
    Sweetie Belle: "Come on! I can tell Rarity! It'll only take a minute!"
    Scootaloo: "NO! We're big ponies, dammit, and we're not going to hoof over our problems to legitimate authority like some kinda babies!"
    Sweetie Belle: "I can tell Twilight! She might not even throw knives at me this time!"
    Applebloom: "NO! We canna tell no mortal soul, y'hear me?!"
    Sweetie Belle: "Then let's tell God-Queen Celestia! We've sent her letters before! Let's just pray her to smite that pony-shaped pukestain!"
    Scootaloo: "No, no, no! This is our problem, and we're not gonna show weakness by getting adults involved! Suffering in silence is a much better way of showing weakness!"
    Applebloom: "Well, AH HAVE HAD IT with this motherhuggin' bully on this motherhuggin' power trip! We gotta fight back!"
    Scootaloo: "YEAH!"
    Scootaloo: "...But how will we be getting past that Brooklyn Rage of hers?"
    Applebloom: "Deviously."


    That night:
    Babs Seed: "Crush them..." *snores* "See them driven before me..." *snores* "And hear the lamentations of their coltfriends..."
    Applebloom: *trying to sleep on the floor* "Once ya get yer sorry flank outta town, Ah'm puttin' a thick rug on this floor first thing in tha mornin'."
    Suddenly: "Moo!"
    Applelboom: *looks out*
    Bessy: "Don't look at me. Frankly, I find this rather embarrassing to watch."
    Sweetie Belle & Scotaloo: "Moooove your flank over here!"

    PROJECT: APPLE OF DISCORD!
    Applebloom: "Ah got tha planks!"
    Sweetie Belle: "I got the textile!"
    Scootaloo: "I got the luster dust!"
    Sweetie Belle: "Oooh! This must be what Rarity uses for her emergency edible boots!"
    Scootaloo: "Why would anypony want edible cloFORGET I ASKED I DON'T WANT TO KNOW."
    Sweetie Belle: "Just look at me! I'm so shiny! I..."
    Sweetie Belle: "..."
    Sweetie Belle: "...Girls, be honest: Does this make me look like a robot?"

    In 1002, a Cutie Mark Crusaders team was bullied by a Manehattanite jerk for a cutie mark they didn't have. These fillies promptly responded with a maximum hilarity trap in Ponyville's farmlands. Today, still in fear of the bully, they survive as vengeful masterminds. If you have a problem, and you're not willing to contact the adults that might actually, y'know, HELP, maybe you can hire... THE CMC TEAM!


    "Now at this point, your Momjesty, you'll have no doubt noticed that, much unlike the cutie pox incident and the Gabby Gums affair (to name a few), this time the STOOPIDS-
    Sorry, Spike broke the quill. I think I startled him. As I was saying, the stoopids were actually suffering from a problem not of their own making this time. I'll admit, this actually leaves me cautiously hopeful for the future.
    "Mind you, they still have a lot to learn, as the next part shall explicate..."


    Summer Harvest Parade!
    Great food!
    Floats!
    Babs Seed: "Celestia it feels good to be a gangsta."
    Diamond Tiara & Silver Spoon: "Word."
    Apple of Discord: "Celestia it feels good to be a sweet gangsta ride."
    Babs Seed: "What?"
    Scootaloo: "Shoo, shoo, bully whom we are in mortal fear of. Let ye begone, begone from our sweet gangsta ride!"
    Diamond Tiara & Silver Spoon: "Booooring." *move on*
    Babs Seed: "..."
    Babs Seed: *knocks CMC into carefully-placed mattress*
    Babs Seed: "Im in yr sweet gangsta ride, bein a gangsta!"
    Applebloom: "..."
    Scootaloo: "..."
    Sweetie Belle: "..."
    Applebloom: "We're scary good at this!"
    Scootaloo: "We're the best! Arouuund! No-one's ever gonna keep us down!"
    Sweetie Belle: "We got revenge! We rule!"
    Applejack: "Aw, ye're lettin' Babs Seed ride yer sweet gangsta ride? That's mighty nice of y'all."
    Applebloom: "We figured she deserved some...vspecial treatment."
    Applejack: "Well Ah'm really glad ye're makin' her feel welcomed. After how traumatic things had gotten fer her back in Manehattan..."
    Applebloom: "What."
    Applejack: "Yeah. Ah didn't mention it earlier, 'cause Ah didn't want y'all treatin' her differently... but poor Babs was gettin' bullied somethin' fierce back home. Like, horror story stuff."
    Scootaloo: "What."
    Applejack: "Tha bullies were harassin' her about her blank flank so badly, tha poor thing was borderin' on a nervous breakdown. That's why she had ta get outta town fer a while."
    Sweetie Belle: "What."
    Applejack: "So Ah'm really proud of y'all fer bein' such good friends fer her when she really needed it. Good work kiddos." *departs*
    Applebloom: "..."
    Scootaloo: "..."
    Sweetie Belle: "..."
    Applebloom: "We're bad at everything!"
    Scootaloo: "We're the worst! In toooooown! Somepony oughta smack us down!"
    Sweetie Belle: "We got revenge! We suck!"
    Applebloom: "Babs Seed is an actual person?! Ah thought she was just a two-dimensional antagonist like all tha others!"
    Scootaloo: "She sided with the Dismal Duo because she was terrified of being bullied!"
    Sweetie Belle: "And now... WE continued the cycle of abuse!"
    CMC: "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS PANIC MODE!"

    Diamond Tiara: "Sweet gangsta ride, Babs!"
    Babs Seed: "Took it from the Toddler Trio."
    Diamond Tiara: "Too cool for mule, Babs!" [/actual dialog]
    Mule: "The mule abides."
    Applebloom: "OK, this? This is a situation where it's OK to tell an adult!"
    Applebloom: "Applejack! We have installed a mechanical device within Babs' float which, unless we do somethin' fast, will send 'er careenin' off tha cliff and straight inta tha mud hole! We need tha help o'you competent adults ta stop this before anypony gets hurt!"
    Applejack: "Sorry, can ya repeat please? Can't hear a word ye're sayin' over tha parade."
    Applebloom: "FAUUUUUUUUST!"

    Pinkie Pie: *drives lettuce float*
    Pinkie Pie: *sorta*
    CMC: "Pinkie Pie! Lettuce in!"
    Pinkie Pie: "Ooooh, good one!"
    CMC: "No, seriously! Lettuce in!"
    Exciting car chase!
    Applebloom: "Babs! Ya gotta get outta that sweet gangsta ride before ya-"
    Babs Seed: "TL;DR!" *drives lettuce float off road*
    Pinkie Pie: "Yes, my mighty vegetal leaves! Bring me your healthy nutrients, and give me the power to digest a thousand sweets!" *eats lettuce remains*
    Applebloom: "Ye're weird. Has anypony ever told ya that? Ye're weird."

    Deathtrap: *activates!*
    Babs Seed: "WTB?!"
    Babs Seed: "HAAAAAAALP!"
    CMC: "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS ACTION HEROES!" *jump into float, push Babs out*
    Deathtrap: "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS MUDDY HUMILIATION!" *hits mud bottom*
    CMC: "Owie."
    Pigs: "REJOICE! THE PONY GODS HAVE BLESSED US WITH GIFTS OF SUGAR AND MEAT!"
    Free Foal Press photographer: "Oooh, Overlord Featherweight will love this pic!"
    Applebloom: "..."
    Applebloom: "Gals, whaddaya think a cutie mark in failin' at life would look like?"
    Sweetie Belle: "I guess it would be a cutie mark shaped like the absence of a cutie mark?"
    Scootaloo: "Explains a depressing lot, doesn't it?"
    Applejack: "Gals, you OK down there?"
    Babs Seed: "I don't believe it. You saved me? Even after I force-fed Applebloom that... thing?"
    Applebloom: "Well, actually..."


    Applebloom: "...an' that's how Equestria was made."
    Babs Seed: "That was an awesome retelling of the Hearth's Warming Eve story, but we were talking about the float. I think you got off-track there, no pun intended."
    Applebloom: "Oh. Well, cliff notes version: We were mighty pissed at ya fer tha bullyin', so we booby-trapped that infernal contraption ta humiliate ya. Then Applejack told us how ya were gettin' bullied back home, we figgered ya were cozying up ta tha Dismal Duo outta fear... but by then, we'd done gettin' suckered inta tha cycle o'abuse."
    CMC: "WE'RE SORRY!"
    Babs Seed: *massive Heel Realization*
    Babs Seed: "...I'm sorry too. Do-over?"
    Applejack: "Ya know, this whole dang mess coulda been avoided if y'all had gone ta me or another competent adult in tha first place."
    Sweetie Belle: "NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!"


    Sweetie Belle: "...and thus, it is our honor to welcome Babs Seed as our friend, compatriote, ally, pony who'll pay bail for us, pony who'll sit next to us in the cell and laugh about how it was awesome otherwise, pony who'll help us hide the bodies, pony who'll at least call an ambulance, and fellow Cutie Mark Crusader!"
    Babs Seed: "Yay!"


    A few days later, at the train station...
    Applebloom: "So ye're gonna be startin' yer own branch o'tha Cutie Mark Crusaders back in Manehattan?"
    Babs Seed: "Yeah! And I'm also gonna tell my big sister about the bullies I have to deal with back home!"
    Applejack's imaginary self: "Uh, yeah. Sure. Ah mean, the fact Ah knew about it doesn't automatically mean yer close relatives knew about it too and mostly ignored it, right?"
    Applejack's actual self: "Sure. An' if need be, remember, the rest o'us got yer back, anytime!"
    Diamond Tiara, flanked by Silver Spoon: "Oh, great. Now we're left with the lame blank flank trio."
    Applejack: *cocks her shotgun*
    Babs Seed: "Stand aside, auntie 'Jack. I'll handle this."
    Babs Seed: "DOES ANY OF MY FRIENDS LOOK LIKE A BITCH?!"
    Diamond Tiara & Silver Spoon: "What?"
    Babs Seed: "DOES... ANY OF THEM... LOOK... LIKE A BITCH?!"
    Diamond Tiara & Silver Spoon: "Er, not as such?"
    Babs Seed: "THEN WHY'D YOU TRY TO BUCK THEM LIKE BITCHES?!"
    Diamond Tiara: "Jeez, lay off. We're not scared of you."
    Babs Seed: "Oh really. You're not scared of the filly who spent all that time with you while you were being at your worst, who knows all your dirty secrets, who knows where all the bodies are buried, who's heading to Manehattan where you can't fight her back, and who can send as many letters to your parents as she wants?"
    Diamond Tiara: "YOU WOULDN'T DARE!"
    Babs Seed: "BROOKLYN RAGE, BITCHES!"
    Diamond Tiara & Silver Spoon: "AIEEE!" *fall into the mud!*
    Applebloom: "And thus tha two-dimensional antagonists were put in their place, and tha real characters lived happily evah aftah!"
    Babs Seed: "I must go now - my planet needs me!" *departs*
    Applebloom: "Ah'm gonna miss that bad seed."
    Applejack: "Wait, what? Ah thought y'all were friend now?"
    Sweetie Belle: "Sure! But see, we mean bad as in good, since good means bad and bad being bad is kinda good. Get it?"
    Applejack: "...Da buck did Ah just watch?"
    Sweetie Belle: "AUGH! Why does adult language have to be so unironic?!"
    Applejack: "Ya darn kids get off mah metaphorical lawn."


    "...and thus, your Momjesty, the CMC has apparently spread to Manehattan. I suspect that the Manehattan branch will not replicate the disaster-prone nature of the Ponyville branch, but I recommend observation to be on the safe side. In the meanwhile, I shall keep practicing my hatred management, and hope the stoopids manage not to give me further cause to backslide.
    "Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."
     
  • Threadmarks
    • sun tzu said:
    ONE BAD APPLE
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    I have more sympathy for Babs than Discord... but not by much.

    Also, Too Many Pinkie Pies? All the way up to that ending I was loving the episode. That scene where Pinkie is sitting at the table, I could hear her thinking, "Oh, god. This is how everyone else sees me. I'm a fucking parody, aren't I." And I felt sorry for her.

    But that ending? Dear sweet merciful Primus, Twilight! What the everloving hell is the matter with you?! Spike pointed out the obvious of the one Pinkie not acting like the others, you oblivious idiot! As for the other clones? I do not give wit one where they came from, only that they were there. Look at the first clone, capable of thought. They were hours old. I have problems remembering other people's names! Are Cybertronians or Data any less sapient because of their origin? And the test had about a billion and one failure points! What if one of the clones had a stroke? Having Pinkie Pie stare at paint drying as a test? What if she sneezed or had a stomach cramp?
     
    Magic Duel
  • Threadmarks
    • God-Queen Celestia: "...and by that point, the delegates and I will stop by Ponyville on our way to Canterlot. Any other question before I leave?"
    God-Queen Luna: "But one, sister. The upcoming resolution to ban all mystical emporiums... Should I vote aye?"
    God-Queen Celestia: "No, vote against it."
    God-Queen Luna: "But sister, are the complaints on the subject not valid? These dubious shops hoard dangerous, occasionally illegal magic, and sell it to ponies of dubious expertise and intentions! Would prohibition not decrease mystical criminality?"
    God-Queen Celestia: "Tried that once. Never again. It just drives the magical black market underground. It's better to have all the magical trade centered on a few big shops - that way, when one artifact turns out to be genuinely dangerous, the guards can later raid that place."



    MAGIC DUEL



    Mysterious (yeah, right!) Figure: *gallops at night*
    Mysterious Figure: *enters mystical emporium*
    Mysterious Shopkeeper: "Mare Do-Well! How did you find me?!"
    Mysterious Shopkeeper: "You can't prove nothing! Nothing, you hear?!"
    Mysterious Shopkeeper: "Wait. You're neither cool nor interesting enough to be Mare Do-Well."
    Mysterious Figure: *points at mysterious artifact*
    Mysterious Shopkeeper: "The Alicorn Amulet? Oh, that's not actually for sale. I could get in serious trouble for forking it over. I only keep it around to show off..."
    Mysterious Figure: *pays enough gold to make a Dungeon Heart*
    Mysterious Shopkeeper: "Well, what do you know! The customer really is always right!"


    Fluttershy: "All right, my army of cute little flightless animals, here's how it's going to be: Twilight is going to use her magic to juggle you in a complex but very precise geometric pattern. Don't worry, Twilight has done much, much harder things than that, and she won't hurt a single hair on you."
    Fluttershy: "Or so help me, I will eat your soul, Twilight!"
    Spike: "It's OK, Fluttershy. Twilight's come a long way since last year's Winter Wrap-Up."
    Twilight: "A one, a two, a one-two-three!"
    Twilight: *levitates animals in a complex but very precise geometric pattern*
    Fluttershy: "STOP! THEY'RE TERRIFIED! THEY CAN'T TAKE NO MORE!"
    Animals, who can't talk: "Wheeeee! We're flying!"
    Twilight: "Thankfully, I am making peace with the fact that I will always be surrounded by idiots."
    Spike: "Nicely done, Twilight! You've really come a long way with magic!"
    Twilight: "Um, Spike, how can you tell? I've levitated ursa minors and picked all the apples on a tree at once. This isn't exactly breaking new grounds."
    Spike: "...OK, sure, but what about that dark magic trick? That gravity spell? Banishing the funbots? Or that nuclear fusion spell in the basement?"
    Twilight: "Well, when you put it that way..."
    Twilight: "Still, I'm surprised her Momjesty wants me to handle the entertainment for the ambassadors from Saddle Arabia. Not like showmanship is really my th-"
    Rainbow Dash: "TWILIGHT! EMERGENCY!"
    Twilight: "...If this gets in the way of foreign political business, I'm going to be one pissed-off archmage."


    Rarity: "THE HORROR! THE HORROR! THE JOKER PERM WAS A MERCY COMPARED TO THIS!"
    Twilight: "OK, who's the Sith pony, and do I need to finish researching that lightsaber spell?"
    Mysterious Sith: "Behold the visage of your DOOM, Twilight Sparkle!" *is Trixie*
    Darth Trixie: "At last, Sparkle, we meet again!"
    Twilight: "..."
    Twilight: "I'm sorry, do I know you?"
    Darth Trixie: "What."
    Twilight: "I mean, you look kinda familiar. I could swear I've seen you somewhere!"
    Darth Trixie: "I am The Great and Powerful Trixie! One of the greatest mages in Equestria!"
    Twilight: "No, I'm pretty sure I'd have remembered you if you'd attended Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. Can't be it."
    Darth Trixie: "I humiliated your friends before your very eyes! Crushed them like worms!"
    Twilight: "No, I'm pretty sure you're not Grogar either. Right color scheme, but wrong horns."
    Darth Trixie: "I vowed that you hadn't seen the last of me!"
    Twilight: "Please, if I kept track of all the people who actually said it..."
    Twilight: "Wait! I remember now!"
    Darth Trixie: "About bucking ti-"
    Twilight: "My father! That's who you remind me of! Yes, I can see the resemblance."
    Darth Trixie: "..."
    Darth Trixie: "I FOUGHT AN URSA MINOR ON YOUR DOORSTEP! HOW CAN YOU FORGET THAT?!"
    Twilight: "Ohhh, right. The stage magician."
    Darth Trixie: "YES!"
    Twilight: "Yeah, I remember. You're the one who couldn't tell the difference between an Ursa Major and Minor."
    Darth Trixie: "...I am so going to end you."
    Rainbow Dash: "Oh please! You call yourself great and powerful, but-"
    Darth Trixie: "Have a great and powerful cup of shut the buck up!" *casts gargantuan spell on Dash's right wing*
    Rainbow: "AHHH! I can't fly like this! And I suddenly don't care about economic disparities!"
    Snips: "Careful there, Rainbow Sephiroth! Don't run into any, heh, Clouds!"
    Snails: "Heh heh, you said 'Clouds'!"
    Darth Trixie: "YOU TWO! Your idiocy was the catalyst behind my humiliation!" *fuses their horns together*
    Snips: "The fact that something this horrible can happen disproves Celestia's existence."
    Snails: "THE HORROR! THE HORROR!"
    Twilight: "Enough with the body horror already! What's wrong with you?! Don't you think this show already caters to enough weird fetishes as is?!"
    Darth Trixie: "I'm here to challenge you, Sparkle. When I left you, I was still a learner. Now, I am the ultimate master."
    Twilight: "A master of douchebaggery, from the looks of it."
    Darth Trixie: "Enough! Magic duel. You. Me. Loser leaves Ponyville FOREVER!"
    Twilight: "Yyyyyyeah, except no. First of all, spoken agreements obtained under duress are worth as much as the paper they're written on. Second, go buck yourself."
    Darth Trixie: "Well, if I need to prove I mean business..." *turns Spike into Dragon Ball*
    Twilight: "An implied pun? You wretched FIEND. Why on Equestria are you doing this?!"
    Darth Trixie: "Why? WHY?! Because you ruined my life, Sparkle!"
    Darth Trixie: "I used to be somepony! I used to be respected (by a non-nil percentage of my audience)! But after your stunt with the Ursa Minor, my magic act lost all its credibility!"
    Darth Trixie: "Everywhere I went, ponies laughed at me! Wagons were defaced! Fruits were thrown! Babies cried! Milk curdled!"
    Darth Trixie: "Every time I thought it couldn't possibly get any worse, it somehow did! Just when I thought people were going to forget about the whole deal, Gabby Gums was there to bring it all up, and claim I wasn't even that interesting a character!"
    Darth Trixie: "It got so bad, I had to quit show business and take odd jobs! I had to work on a rock farm! A ROCK FARM! Do you have any idea how humiliating it feels, being forced to acknowledge how ridiculous our universe is like that?!"
    Pinkie Pie: "HEY! Rock farms make perfect sense! When you live right next to parasprite population centers, you need to mine geodes for-"
    Darth Trixie: "I find your lack of silence disturbing." *puts Pinkie's snout in the Recycle Bin*
    Pinkie Pie, who cannot talk: "I have no mouth and I must party! WAAAAAA!"
    Darth Trixie: "So anyway, yeah. That's the story of how you ruined my life."
    Twilight: "Actually, given all I did was stop a rampaging Ursa, it seems more reasonable to say I saved your life than-"
    Darth Trixie: "Bah! The Great and Powerful Trixie sneers at logic and facts! And I shall warp this town like a returned Ebon Dragon unless you duel me!"
    Twilight: "You're worse than a Yu-Gi-Oh antagonist."
    Darth Trixie: *shakes up library*
    Owlowiscious: "I'm so demanding a raise after this."
    Twilight: "GASP! NOT THE LIBRARY!"
    Twilight: "Trixie, you MONSTER! Hurting my friends is one thing. They can take it, and this is barely worse than what we inflict on each other anyway. But NOPONY hurts helpless, innocent books on MY watch! You're on, turbo-bitch!"
    Darth Trixie: "The Great and Powerful Darth Trixie is glad that you have seen reason."
    Darth Trixie: *undoes spells... except the one on Pinkie*
    Pinkie Pie, who cannot talk: "I... I think I now know what hate feels like."
    Darth Trixie: "All right, Sparkle - GAME ON!" *telekinetically throws apple cart at innocent ponies*
    Twilight: *catches cart*
    Twilight: *realizes this is requiring effort on her part*
    Twilight: "And to think I can normally lift tons. This is what I get for spending all morning practicing precision."
    Darth Trixie: "Where were we? Ah, right - ABJECT HUMILIATION!" *projects multiple pies*
    Twilight: "Winged Tribble, I choose you!" *summons parasprite to eat pies mid-air*
    Pinkie Pie: *shivers*
    Twilight: "Winged Tribble, I kill you!" *unmakes parasprites*
    Pinkie Pie: *relief*
    Twilight: "Hah! Even if your magic has gotten more powerful, I'm still the smarter one!"
    Darth Trixie: "Oh yeah? And how exactly is your Intelligence Score supposed to help you in combat, nerdgirl?" *drops over a foot of snow on Twilight*
    Twilight: "You realize, of course, this means war." *gives Darth Trixie a mustache*
    Spike: "Bwahaha! Behold the Great and Powerful Fu Manchu!"
    Darth Trixie: "Hmph. This might be enough to impress the neophytes, Sparkle, but you ain't seen nothing yet!" *cuts mustache off*
    Darth Trixie: "You two! Village idiots! Get here!"
    Snips: "Y-y-yes, oh Great and Powerful demon?"
    Darth Trixie: "I find your lack of brains disturbing!" *casts age spell*
    Geriatric Snails: "Bones... aching... Memory... failing... Ellipses... spreading..."
    Baby Snips: "WAAAAAA! The writers have no respect for us!"
    Twilight: "WTB?! An age-control spell?! You need to be, like, Starswirl the Bearded-class to cast something like that!"
    Twilight: "...or undergoing Limit Break when a sonic rainboom ruined your concentration in the middle of a magical exam. Whichever."
    Darth Trixie: "The ability to defeat an Ursa Minor is insignificant next to the power of the Great and Powerful Trixie!"
    Twilight: *tries to undo age spell*
    Twilight: *is having a day off*
    Snips&Snails: *fall to the ground*
    Geriatric Snails: "I think I broke every bone in my body."
    Baby Snips: "WAAAAAA! I fell on my head! This is just like last time I was a baby!"
    Darth Trixie: "YES! Your defeat is complete and vicious! You are now banished from Ponyville for all eternity!"
    Elemental Harmony Squad & Spike: "Like Dream Valley! Veto! Veto!"
    Darth Trixie: "The Great and Powerful Trixie was not asking you."
    Darth Trixie: "OUTTA MY FACE, BRAINY SMURF!" *ejects Twilight from town*
    Darth Trixie: *encloses Ponyville in force-field*
    Twilight: "Folks? You take care of each other while I go off and do the hero thing."


    Twilight: *attempts casting age spell on flower*
    Twilight: *close, but no cigar*
    Twilight: "If I'm struggling with this, no way Amateur Hour over there could have mastered that spell the old-fashioned way. Something's definitely off here."
    Twilight: "OK, let's review: In less than a week, her Momjesty will reach Ponyville. She can smite Darthid Copperfield, sure... but the whole thing would leave a very poor impression on the delegates from Saddle Arabia. Unacceptable."
    Twilight: "I can't reach her Momjesty without Spike. I don't have access to the library. So who else do I know who can assist me with figuring out such out-of-context magic?"
    Twilight: "Oh, right."
    Twilight: *heads to Zecora's place*

    Meanwhile, in Canterlot:
    God-Queen Luna: "I... I know not the cause, but I feel a sudden urge to cry uncontrollably."
    Cadence: "There, there. Let it out, auntie. Let it out."


    Zecora: "And thus once again, your town has been struck
    "By another foul villain running... wild
    "So you've come to me, for my expertise
    "Hoping for ways to defeat her with... little difficulty
    "With diplomats coming, we have finite time
    "To punish vile Trixie for her terrible... misdemeanor
    "Though I am no God-Queen, I shall do my best
    "So your spellcraft rises above all the... others."
    Twilight: "Um, wow. You've raised non-rhyming to an art form."
    Zecora: "I try."
    Twilight: "But more seriously, I need help. Any advice on taking out Darth Trixie?"
    Zecora: "Wait. 'Darth'?"
    Twilight: "Oh, yeah. She was rocking the black cowl look and everything, and now here I am, separated from my friends and meeting a non-pony mentor in the Everfree Dagobah."
    Zecora: "..."
    Zecora: "Go with it, I will!"
    Twilight: "Awesome. But how do I handle Trixie?"
    Zecora: "The best unicorn mage of our era you are. All of her spells, you should be able to cast."
    Zecora: "Performance stress, the issue is. Your higher brain functions you lose, when you panic."
    Twilight: "So you're saying I lost the duel because I was too nervous to give it my best, but not quite at the point where my survival instinct kicked my focus into overdrive?"
    Zecora: "Perhaps. So focus, I will teach you."


    Meanwhile, in Ponyville:
    Darth Trixie: "MWAHAHAHA! Dance, puppets, dance!"
    Darth Trixie: *makes Pinkie dance with her magic*
    Pinkie Pie, who cannot talk: "Just yesterday, I wanted to do this. How can you suck the fun out of everything?"
    Darth Trixie: "I'm an authority figure. It's what I do!"
    Rarity: "Just wonderful. Now we're taking our quotes from Schlock Mercenary. Why d-"
    Darth Trixie: "Stop whining or I'll remove your mouth like the pink one's."
    Rarity: "Shoot."


    Zecora: "Zen, you must be. Illumination, you must attain. Jesus, you must outdo."
    Twilight: *stands on water*
    Twilight: "Wait, doesn't her Momjesty hang out with Aslan every wee-"
    Twilight: *splash!*
    Zecora: "Work, this still needs."
    Twilight: "I'm sorry... I just can't stop thinking about Trixie."
    Zecora: "The shippers, you are teasing."
    Twilight: "It's just... It's like she's gone all fanon on us! I mean, she was a bit of a jerk the first time around, but now she's outright evil."
    Twilight: "OK, I get that her cutie mark and special talent are all about her stage magic, and being unable to practice your special talent for such a long time could drive most ponies to madness, but... even so, her behavior seems overkill. That's like, I dunno, brainwashing little fillies into fighting over a doll just so you can write a letter about it."
    Zecora: "..."
    Twilight: "Or something."


    Meanwhile, back in Trixiepolis:
    Elemental Harmony Squad & Spike: *are searching through the library*
    Spike: "Come on! Twilight collects magical data more obsessively than most dragons collect coins! There's gotta be something here about Darth Trixie's strange power-up!"
    Rarity: "There had better be! Have you seen the jackbooted uniforms she wants me to make for her conscripts? Does she think leather grows on trees?"
    Fluttershy: "Um, I think this book here might-"
    Applejack: "Ya think ya got it bad? That pompous Sithbag wants me ta grow apples with no peels! What's up with that?!"
    Fluttershy: "See, the picture looks exactly like the amulet she-"
    Rainbow Dash: "And the sky! OK, yeah, the permanent storm clouds look cool for the first five minutes, but there's no room to fly! I can't reach even a third of the speed of sound without colliding with her stupid force-field!"
    Fluttershy: "And the descriptions sounds exactly like-"
    Pinkie Pie, who cannot talk: "Nurse Redheart has to feed me through intravenous injections! What's the point of food you can't even taste?!"
    Fluttershy: "Rainbow Dash and I frequently have kinky sex involving numerous forms of bondage, both physical and hypnotic."
    Spike: "And she keeps forcing me to send spam letters to people she hates! Even after I told her they can't get past the force-field!"
    Fluttershy: "Im n yr treehouse, bng a tree."
    Spike: *yoinks book from Fluttershy* "Hey guys, look! It's Darth Trixie's amulet!"
    Spike: "Apparently, it's a cursed artifact called the Alicorn Amulet..."
    Rarity: "Alicorn as in God-Queen, or as in ye olde Equestrian word for a unicorn's horn?"
    Spike: "Doesn't say. But apparently, it acts as a dimensional conduit to the Realm of Darkness, channeling mana from it that boosts the user's spellcraft. Like a Calarine staff."
    Pinkie Pie, who cannot talk: "Oooh, I love that fanfic!"
    Spike: "So, the good thing is, it lets you channel extra mana from the Realm of Darkness. The bad thing is, well, you're channeling extra mana from the Realm of Darkness. Messes up the mind something fierce. There are speculations that it was created specifically by Grogar so that, after enough uses, his own personality would overtake that of the user."
    Applejack: "That don't sound too likely ta me. Trixie's been turnin' crazy, not inta a Grogar-like Lawful Evil type."
    Spike: "One of the powers of the amulet is a magical lock - if you try to pry it from the user, you'll probably break their neck long before you remove the amulet. Only the user can unlock it."
    Rainbow Dash: "Nuts. So I can't just rip the stupid thing off of her."
    Rarity: "Well, she wasn't exactly allowing us to get close in the first place, darling."
    Applejack: "This sorta things is Twilight's field. We oughta get tha evidence ta her, in Zecora's hut, where Ah am guessin' she is, since that is tha logical place fer her ta go if she's tryin' ta figure out outta-context magic."

    Meanwhile, in Canterlot:
    God-Queen Luna: "WAAAAAA! Why does the Sad and Pitiful Luna feel so, so... forgettable?!"
    Cadence: *pats her back* "You're not, auntie. You're really, really not."

    Fluttershy: "Um, but how do we get past the-"
    Rainbow Dash: "We need to get past the force-field! And for that, we need the most awesome, dashing, heroic pony in all of Ponyville!"
    Fluttershy: "Um, how do you-"
    Rainbow Dash: "We need Fluttershy!"
    Fluttershy: "WHAT?! What have I ever DONE to you, Dashie?!"
    Applejack: "Well OK then! Fluttershy, ya feelin' up ta it?"
    Fluttershy: "NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!"
    Rainbow Dash: "An even number of no's! That's a yes if I've ever heard one! I knew you had it in you!"
    Fluttershy: "Why did I ever earn your respect?! Whyyyyyy?!"
    Rarity: "Excellent! Then I shall design the perfect mission outfit for you!"
    Fluttershy: "Will it help?"
    Rarity: "It will be so ugly, that wondering what's wrong with it will distract you from the terror eating at your brain!"


    Snips&Snails: *pull Darth Trixie's chariot*
    Darth Trixie: "Hurry, slaves! The Great and Powerful Darth Trixie intends to find out what's setting off her force-field!"
    Snips: "Wouldn't this be faster if we had wheels?!"
    Darth Trixie: "Bah! Wheels are part of Celestia's conspiracy! The spokes form an arcane pattern through which she can spy on anypony in Equestria!"
    Darth Trixie: "But Darth Trixie is too clever to fall for her tricks! Darth Trixie smash enemy conspiracy wide open!"
    Snails: "I'm telling you, it's like she's drinking crazy juice every hour!"
    Beavers: *are setting off the force-field*
    Darth Trixie: "You! What is the meaning of this manure?!"
    Beavers, who cannot talk: "We have to transport this log to our construction site, and this stupid force-field is getting in the way!"
    Darth Trixie: "Why, I oughta skin you for making jackboots for-"
    Beavers, who cannot talk: "We're union."
    Darth Trixie: "Let you through the force-field! Of course I'll let you through the force-field!"
    Beavers: *carry log through force-field*
    Darth Trixie: "Hmph. The Great and Powerful Darth Trixie does not pick her battles suicidally. But she shall console herself with the sweet embrace of ostentatious luxury." *transforms chariot into even more ostentatious luxury*
    Snails: "Why is she so mean?!"
    Darth Trixie: "Parce que! Parce que!"
    Snips: "...OK, there's gonna be, like, one reader who'll actually get that joke. You're a hack at comedy!"
    Darth Trixie: "DOES DARTH TRIXIE NEED TO WHIP A BITCH?!"

    Beavers: *pull Fluttershy out of the log*
    Fluttershy: "Wow! Being a tree actually worked for once!"
    Birds: *have found Twilight*
    Fluttershy: "Please please please please please tell me she's actually somewhere safe and non-threatening like, I dunno, Canterlot!"
    Birds: *have found Twilight with Zecora in the Everfree Forest*

    Meanwhile, in Canterlot:
    Cadence: "So, I'm not sure if they had it back in your time, auntie, but we call it ice cream."
    God-Queen Luna: "It's... wonderful. Thank you."


    Twilight: "I can't believe I didn't recognize the Alicorn Amulet! That thing is #137 on Equestria's Top Artifacts Of Doom List!"
    Fluttershy: "The more Trixie uses it, the more she gets dark mana replacing her thought process!"
    Twilight: "OK, so now we know what we're dealing with. But how do I beat her? I may be the top archmage of our generation, but even Sweetie Belle could cast epic spells with this thing!"
    Zecora: "To all problems, your magic the solution is not. Wage asymmetric warfare you must, when faced with superior firepower."
    Zecora: "Avoid a fair fight you must. Gather the six, you ought to."
    Twilight: "The six...?"
    Twilight: "EUREKA! Of course! Fluttershy, find some burrowing animals to dig you a way back into Ponyville.Get the rest of the gang, give them my instructions, and together we'll pull a complex, brilliant plan to completely outsmart Darth Trixie!"
    Zecora: "I just meant you ought to get the Elements of Harmony and Rainbow Deathray the bitch in the face..."


    Darth Trixie: "The Great and Powerful Darth Trixie demands to know what you are doing in front of her force-field, Sparkle."
    Twilight: "You think you're great and powerful because your measly little amulet lets you channel mana from the Realm of Darkness? Let me show you what a real power-booster is!"
    Twilight: "BEHOLD! The Infinity Amulet! Channeling the six Infinity Gems, it makes the wielder all but omnipotent!"
    Darth Trixie: "The Great and Powerful Darth Trixie rolls to disbelieve!"
    Twilight: "Oh, so you don't want a rematch? You're not curious to see what sort of magical power this artifact allows one to wield? You don't feel any sense of wonder tugging at what's left of your cold and darkened heart, yearning to see the power cosmic in action?"
    Darth Trixie: "..."
    Twilight: "Well OK then! I'll just go build myself an empire with this thing. Mine will be bigger than yours."
    Darth Trixie: "Fine, fine! You shall have your rematch! And once your supposedly cosmic magic has inevitably disappointed the Great and Powerful Darth Trixie, you shall be turned into an orange!"
    Twilight: "Why an orange?"
    Darth Trixie: "What could possibly be crueller?"


    Mayor Mare, in her birdcage: "And ponies wonder why I always end up running unopposed."
    Darth Trixie: "Once again, the Great and Powerful Darth Trixie shall prove her supremacy! Snips! Snails!"
    Snips&Snails: "Yes, oh satanic avatar of Night Mare Moon?"
    Darth Trixie: "ACT YOUR MENTAL AGE!" *casts age spell*
    Baby Snips&Snails: "WAAAAAA! The sole purpose of our existence is to be laughed at!"
    Darth Trixie: "Top THAT, Twilight Spankle!"
    Twilight: "You only had to ask! Rarity! Applejack!"
    Rarity: "...Is this going to be one of those situations where I regret being your friend?"
    Applejack: "Ah reckon it is, sugar."
    Twilight: "Double fillies!" *casts spell!*
    Darth Trixie: "Holy dragon and kraken sandwich!"
    Darth Trixie: "I mean... Big deal. So you can cast an age spell."
    Twilight: "Double mares!" *cast spell!*
    Twilight: "Filly and mare!" *casts spell!*
    Twilight: "Mare and old mare!" *casts spell!*
    Twilight: "Double mares encore!" *cast spell!*
    Darth Trixie: "That... That... That is not impressive! As soon as the Great and Powerful Darth Trixie finds her lower jaw, she will explain how unimpressive this is!"
    Twilight: "Oh, I've barely started."
    Twilight: "Rainbow Dash! A clone of your own!" *cast spell!*
    Rainbow Dash: "Well, what do you know! 100% cooler!"
    Darth Trixie: "D-d-duplication spell? That's impossible! All the science of magic lessons I've slept through suggest that this would require-"
    Twilight: "What can I say? Scientific progress goes 'boink'!"
    Lyra: "Call me jaded, but, after the flood of Pinkies..."
    Twilight: "By the way, Darthie... I've heard you like making ponies dance like puppets, but can you make them do this?!" *casts spell*
    Pinkie Pie: *one-pony orchestra of Ponyville!*
    Darth Trixie: "...Da buck am I watching?"
    Twilight: "And, just to finish off... Applejack?"
    Applejack: "Yes?"
    Twilight: "Rule 63!"
    Applejack: "No!"
    Twilight: *casts spell!*
    Darth Trixie: "That's not true - that's impossible!"
    Twilight: "Search your feelings, you know it to be true!"
    Twilight: "Now you're playing with power!"
    Darth Trixie: "Yes. Yes I am." *steals Infinity Amulet*
    Darth Trixie: *removes Alicorn Amulet, puts on Infinity Amulet*
    Darth Trixie: "MWAHAHAHA! Empress Trixie shall now reign supreme, bring down the God-Queens themselves and rule over Equestria!"
    Twilight: "About that... There's something you should know:"
    Twilight: "TRIX!"
    Rainbow Dash: "ARE!" *steals Alicorn Amulet*
    Zecora: "FOR KIDS!" *locks amulet inside box*
    Darth? Trixie: "BAH! Trixie possesses a far greater power now!"
    Darth? Trixie: *casts spell* "It's called the Agony Matrix spell - direct neural stimulation of pain receptors. All of them. Imagine the worst pain you've ever felt in your life, times a thousand."
    Rainbow Dash: "It tickles!"
    Darth? Trixie: "Pony what."
    Twilight: "Yyyyeah. I made up that whole Infinity Amulet thing. That's just a fancy doorstopper."
    Darth? Trixie: "But... Those spells! That power cosmic! You can't be that powerful on your own! You just can't!"
    Twilight: "Wellllll... I'm not. Not really. Zecora's training was mostly a bust."
    Zecora: "Hey!"
    Twilight: "But tell me, Trixie... What's the greatest power in this world?"
    Darth? Trixie: "Superior planning combined with the ability to improvise?"
    Twilight: "Correct! And the second greatest power?"
    Darth? Trixie: "Friendship?"
    Twilight: "Correct again! So I decided to use them both against you, in a Batman Gambit that would make her Momjesty proud!"
    Twilight: "Tricks and illusions! Smoke and mirrors! All I was doing with my spells was generate smoke to hide how ponies were switching positions all the time! Applejack and Rarity's families, disguised as them! Fluttershy disguised as Rainbow Dash!"
    Darth? Trixie: "And the one-pony orchestra...?"
    Twilight: "A hyperactive mind with unique muscle memory. Not magic, either."
    Twilight: "So, to answer your earlier question... THIS is how I use my Intelligence Score in combat, DUMBASS!"
    Darth? Trixie: "So what you're saying is that you have proven yourself my superior in both magic and prestidigitation?"
    Darth? Trixie: "THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE HAS LOST THE WILL TO LIVE!"
    Pony of Ponyville #1: "We can help with that!"
    Pony of Ponyville #2: "I got the tar!"
    Pony of Ponyville #3: "I got the feathers!"
    Pony of Ponyville #4: "I got the rope!"
    Darth? Trixie: "Somehow, the Great and Powerful Trixie always knew it would end this way - at the hooves of an angry, vengeful lynch mob."
    Twilight: "Right! Soooo... just how sorry are you feeling right now? Think fast!"
    Baby Snips&Snails: "WAAAAAA! After humiliating us, the writers forget us!"


    Horse Delegate from Saddle Arabia #1: "Lovely magical demonstration from your student, God-Queen Celestia!"
    Horse Delegate #2: "Indeed! Incidentally, what was that letter you sent right before the show?"
    God-Queen Celestia: "Oh, just information for the Royal Guard about a certain mystical emporium. For now, enjoy the show."
    God-Queen Celestia, internally: "Batman Gambits? Trickery and tactics? My little Savior of Worlds is growing up so fast!"
    Twilight: "Hey. Thanks for the assist with the show, Trixie."
    Trixie: "It's the least I could do after the whole... ordeal. Thanks again for talking down the lynch mob."
    Twilight: "Well, it may be your damn fault for not doing research on the amulet before using it (seriously, this whole lack of research thing is gonna keep biting you in the flank unless you address it), but that's stupidity rather than malice. And we suffer the CMC to live, so..."
    Trixie: "And again, I'm really sorry about this. When I was using that amulet, giving in to the ego and hatred just seemed like the obvious thing to do! Can you ever forgive me?"
    Twilight: "Well... OK, yeah, sure. Can't outdo Jesus if I hold grudges."
    Trixie: "YES! Behold the apologetic humbleness of Trixie!"
    Twilight: "Leeeet's call you a work in progress."
    Trixie: "Oh, and... Sparkle? If loan sharks show up in Ponyville asking about Trixie, Trixie most certainly did not show up here, nor did she spend all their gold on an Artifact Of Doom!"
    Twilight: "Wait, what?"
    Trixie: "The Evasive and Impoverished Trixie, AWAY!"
    Twilight: "Work in progress, Twilight. Work in progress."
    Twilight: "Oh, and..." *restores Pinkie Pie's snout*
    Pinkie Pie: "OH THANK CELESTIA! You have any idea how hard it is, breathing through your ears?!"
     
  • Threadmarks
    • Sleepless in Ponyville
  • Threadmarks
    • God-Queen Celestia: "...aaaand done. There. Now you're in a recognizable pony shape again."
    God-Queen Luna: "Thank you, sister. Thou truly must teach me this calorie-burning spell."
    God-Queen Celestia: "I think what you need is to not double the national ice-cream consumption all on your own. Luna, is something wrong?"
    God-Queen Luna: "WRONG?! WRONG?! I'm freaking invisible is what's wrong! I've been here literally since episode one, and yet it is as if the universe refuses to acknowledge my very existence!"
    God-Queen Luna: "Do I get to do anything concerning our enemies? NO! Does anypony come to me for advice? NO! I might as well have remained on the Moon!"
    God-Queen Luna: "I cannot take it anymore! I just... I just..."
    God-Queen Luna: "WANT TO BLOT OUT THE S-"
    God-Queen Celestia: *thwacks Luna's head*
    God-Queen Luna: "...Sorry about that."
    God-Queen Celestia: "Look, sis... I think you're going at it the wrong way."
    God-Queen Celestia: "One way or another, it'll take a while before most ponies can see you the way they see me, because, well... most of them grew up in a world that I was ruling. I suggest you try getting close to the foals for now."
    God-Queen Celestia: "Second... Well, part of the problem with the wise mentor role is that there already are several other characters filling it. You need to find yourself a niche. Something that fits your domain, like, you know..."
    God-Queen Luna: "Hm... I think I see..."



    SLEEPLESS IN PONYVILLE



    Rainbow Dash: "Yep, yep, yep. As long as there'll be idiots to bet I can't pull off some 'impossible' maneuver, I will never need to worry about money."
    Meanwhile, on the ground:
    Scootaloo: "The buck?! 48 ponies have petitioned to ban me from using my scooter within Ponyville's perimeter?!"
    Scootaloo: "Last month, it was 55! I've grown complacent! I need to get back into the groove of things! This calls for..."
    Scootaloo: *activates Dilbert theme song remix*
    Scootaloo: "I am the terror that scoots in the street! I am the darn kid who needs to get off your lawn! I, am SCOOTALOO!"
    Granny Smith: *dodges that*
    Granny Smith: "Ha! Them whippersnappers don't realize that just 'cause Ah'm olda than tha town an' tha hills, it don't mean Ah ain't still rackin' in XP!"
    Scootaloo: "I feel the need! The need for speed! Speed is my creed, I let it lead!"
    Scootaloo: "...Lead me a good distance up in the air, in this case."
    Rainbow Dash: "Nice moves, kid."
    Scootaloo: "...!!!!!"
    Scootaloo: "The... The second coolest pony in the world thinks I have nice moves! I HAVE NICE MOVES!"
    Bessy, cow: "That's great. Now mooooooove your blank flank outta my lunch, and get off my lawn."


    Scootaloo: "...and then she said, 'nice moves'! Her! Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Freaking Dash herself!"
    Applebloom: "Wow! When She O'Tha Prismatic Egotism acknowledges yer coolness, ya know ye've made it!"
    Scootaloo: "I know! Coming from her, that's practically the same as saying she's taking me as student and surrogate sister!"
    Applebloom: "Aaaaaan' ye've gone too far."
    Scootaloo: "OK, OK. So maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. But mark my words! One day, I'll get the opportunity to impress Rainbow Dash! One day, she'll be mine! All mine! Bwahahahaha!"
    Sweetie Belle: "I thought you wanted Mare Do-Well."
    Scootaloo: "Yes, but I've learned to scale my expectations down to something more realistic."
    Applebloom: "Well... How 'bout this: Applejack and Ah are goin' campin' ta tha Cloudesdale landfill. Ah could get mah sister ta invite Rainbow Dash, then invite ya, and then ya could hang out with Dash on tha trip."
    Scootaloo: "Do you know you're all my very best friends?"
    Sweetie Belle: "Um, does this offer extend to unicorns?"
    Applebloom: "It reasonably might."
    Sweetie Belle: "Awesome! Rarity loves camping!" [/actual sentence]

    Rarity: "I despise camping! All of that... nature!" [/actual dialog]
    Sweetie Belle: "Well... Applejack's going with her little sister. But if you don't want to be as good a big sister as Applejack..."
    Rarity: "...I'm packing."
    Scootaloo: "Sweetie Belle? Sometimes, you scare me."
    Sweetie Belle: "Yup! If there's one thing I learned from the Sisterhooves Special, it's that I can get Rarity to do whatever I want!"
    Applebloom: "Wasn't thar a different lesson to that episode?"
    Sweetie Belle: "Nope! The lesson is that we're in a kids show, so kids will always triumph, because adults are dumb!"


    And so...
    Applejack: "Ah brought tha canteen!"
    Applebloom: "Ah brought tha bug spray!"
    Rarity: "And I brought the shopping mall!"
    Sweetie Belle, pulling shopping mall in a cart: "Why... did I let you... talk me into this camping trip?!"
    Rarity: "Oh, you know how it goes. Adults will always triumph, because kids are bucking idiots."
    Applejack: "Gee Rarity, why didn'tcha pack tha SPA while ya were at it?"
    Rarity: "It would have been inconsiderate to all the other patrons, my dear."
    Applejack: "..."
    Applejack: "OK, whatever. Let's-a go."
    Scootaloo: "WAIT! Where's Rainbow Dash?! This whole trip is useless without Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash is meaning! Rainbow Dash is cupcakes! Rainbow Dash is life!"
    Applejack: "She'll be meetin' us at tha first campsite."
    Scootaloo: "Whew. Don't scare me like that. I came here for the awesome, not the heart attacks."


    Sweetie Belle: "Legs... eroding. Can't... continue much longer."
    Rarity: "The engine is complaining. Are we there yet?"
    Applejack: "Since our hack of a Where-I-Watcher canna think of a better joke than tha one in tha show, ya."
    Rainbow Dash: *EXALTED HEAVEN-ROCKING CAMPING TECHNIQUE!*
    Rainbow Dash: *always does all in style!*
    Rainbow Dash: "Never do anything with less than a two-dice Stunt, I always say."
    Scootaloo: *sheds tear* "So. Much. Win."
    Scootaloo: "All right, Scoots. Be cool. Be awesome. Be epic."
    Scootaloo: *EPIC FUMBLE!*"
    Scootaloo: *sheds tear* "So. Much. Fail."


    Rainbow Dash: "So... If your friends are sleeping with their sisters, I'm guessing you'll be sleeping with me."
    Scootaloo: "Watch you while you sleep! Yes! I'll totally watch you while you sleep!"
    Rainbow Dash: "...What."
    Scootaloo: "Er, I meant, yeah, we'll be in the same tent. If that doesn't bother you."
    Rainbow Dash: "As long as you don't snore."
    Rainbow Dash: "No, seriously. You don't snore, right? Ponies who snore should be shot and fed to foals who snore as a warning."
    Scootaloo: "Nope! Never snored in my life! As witnessed by the many, many ponies who have slept in the same room as me over the years! Right!"
    Rarity: *activates tent*
    Rarity's Tent: *is a bucking penthouse*
    Rarity: "Sweetie Belle, do be a dear and find some flowers for the vase."
    Applejack: "Rarity? Ah canna tell if ye're tha world's worst camper, or tha best."


    Campfire!
    Sweetie Belle: *serves tea to Rarity*
    Sweetie Belle: "Per camping agreement, madame is served."
    Applejack: "Seriously, Rarity... Are ya goin' ta keep punishin' her fer tryin' ta manipulate ya fer tha rest o'tha trip?"
    Rarity: "Punishment? This is a lesson. What are you learning, Sweetie?"
    Sweetie Belle: "That if someone is insisting on something you don't want, you shouldn't refuse. You should instead give them what they want, in a way so awful, they'll never ask again."
    Rarity: "Good girl! That's lesson #8 of my 'The Art of Passive-Aggressive War'."
    Applejack: "Rarity? Sometimes, ya scare me."
    Rainbow Dash: "All right, everypony, get comfortable - I'm gonna tell you the best story ever!"
    Scootaloo: "Ooh, ooh! Is it about that time you performed a sonic rainboom to save Rarity at the Young Flyers Competition?"
    Rainbow Dash: "...Second best story ever."
    Scootaloo: "How you flew so fast, you gave all your friends puberty? And got your cutie mark?"
    Rainbow Dash: "...Third best."
    Scootaloo: "How you and the Elemental Harmony Squad faced Elder Evils and saved the day?"
    Rainbow Dash: "Seventh best."
    Scootaloo: "Saga of Soul?"
    Rainbow Dash: "...How about, the scariest story ever?"

    One scary story later...
    Rainbow Dash: "...and the last words they ever heard were, 'Solomon Grundy, born on a Monday'!"
    Sweetie Belle: "I WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN."
    Applebloom: "Liquid nitrogen. Mah blood's done turned inta liquid nitrogen."
    Scootaloo: "I am so totally not scared by your awesome story, my whole body is shaking from how utterly non-scared I am! My total non-terror is so complete, it's making me lose control of my bladder!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Ha, yeah. I figured you were the fearless type. Like me."
    Scootaloo: "Yes! That's exactly it! I'm totally living up to the impossible standard you set!"
    Rarity: "Don't worry, Sweetie. If any monster shows up, Rarity will be here to drive a needle through its eye."
    Sweetie Belle: "Awwww."
    Applejack: "Don't worry, Applebloom. If any monster show up, Ah'll force-feed it apples 'till it explodes twice."
    Applebloom: "That's mighty sweet o'ya!"
    Scootaloo: "Heh. Look at them scaredy-ponies. Not like me and my non-chicken self."
    Rainbow Dash: "You're the best, kiddo. Now off to bed."
    Scootaloo: "..."
    Scootaloo: *notices the spooky forest she is surrounded with*
    Scootaloo: "It's nothing... Just my imagination..."
    Scootaloo: "HOLY CRAP my imagination is scary!"
    Scootaloo: "Solomon Grundy isn't real... Solomon Grundy isn't real... Solomon Grundy isn't..."
    Scootaloo: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" *gallops inside tent*
    Rainbow Dash: *snores like a woodchip mill*
    Scootaloo: "...But of course. This really was inevitable, wasn't it?"
    Scootaloo: "So... tired..."
    Scootaloo: "Wait. Something's off."
    Scootaloo: *checks outside*
    Scootaloo: "...When did we get transported to a shadowland?"
    "SOLOMON GRUNDY, BORN ON A MONDAY!"
    Scootaloo: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
    Trees: "Hey kid. Want some candy?"
    Scootaloo: "Uh..."
    Trees: "...CANDY MADE OF SOULS!"
    Scootaloo: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
    Solomon Grundy: "SOLOMON GRUNDY, BORN ON A MONDAY!"
    Scootaloo: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
    God-Queen Luna: "That's right, Freddy, RUN! And if thou dare show thy ugly face in Equestria again, I shall shove thine claws so far up thine-"
    Scootaloo: "Huh."
    Scootaloo: "Where was I? Oh, right. AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
    Solomon Grundy: "YOU GIVE BACK SOLOMON GRUNDY'S GOLD!"
    Scootaloo: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
    Scootaloo: *wakes up*
    Scootaloo: "..."
    Scootaloo: "Must not sleep, Solomon Grundy will eat me. Must not sleep, Solomon Grundy will eat me. Must not sleep..."


    Rainbow Dash: "Ah, morning. Another day, another list of opportunities to be awesome. Dunno about you, kid, but I slept like a filly."
    Scootaloo, filly: "Must not sleep, Solomon Grundy will eat me. Must not sleep, Solomon... I mean, yeah. Best night ever."
    Rainbow Dash: "Glad to hear it! C'mon, let's head to the landfill!" *unzips tent*
    Scootaloo: "HISSSSS! Sun bad! Tree scary! Sun BAAAAD!"

    Meanwhile, in Canterlot:
    God-Queen Celestia: "See, the important thing is to not take it personally..."


    Rarity, on her fainting couch: "Ahhhh. Isn't it wonderful, spending quality time with one's sister?"
    Sweetie Belle, pushing the couch: "Yeah. Best thing ever. Should do it more often. In Ponyville. At the SPA."
    Rarity: "Aw, I knew it was possible to condition you!"
    Applejack: "Well hurry up behind, gals, or we won't be reachin' camp 'till it's dark!"
    Scootaloo: "...!!!!!"
    Scootaloo: "I'll scout ahead! I'll make sure nothing gets in our way! We don't want to still be out there when it's dark, right?"
    Rainbow Dash: "Meh. Not a big deal."
    Scootaloo: "For awesome fearless ponies like you and me, sure. But we gotta think about my scaredy chicken friends, right?"
    Applebloom: "Yo, Scoots. Babs Seed called. She wants her schtick back."

    Scootaloo: *scouts on scooter*
    Scootaloo: "Must not sleep, road accidents will eat me. Must not sleep, road accidents will eat me. Must... not..." *sleeps*
    Scootaloo, asleep: *narrowly avoids thorny patch*
    Thorny Patch: "Curses, foiled again!"
    Alligator: "Where is my breakfast?! You ponies are late in feeding us in these parts almost every day! You-"
    Scootaloo, asleep: *runs over alligator*
    Alligator: "And the service is LOUSY! I will complain to your manager!"
    Barry the bear: "Ah, fish. Our love is the truest there is."
    Scootaloo, asleep: *ruins Barry's meal*
    Barry the bear: "Where's Fluttershy? I need someone to cry on."
    Scootaloo, asleep: *reaches back to the group*
    Scootaloo, awake: "NOOO! NOT THE CHICKEN COSTUME! PLEASE, MISTER GRUNDY, NOT THE CHICKEN COSTUME!"
    Scootaloo: "Ahem. What I mean is, path seems clear."


    Applejack: "Ah, Scoots? What's tha problem?"
    Scootaloo: "Problem? What makes you think there's a problem?"
    Applejack: "Ya panicked when I stepped on a branch."
    Scootaloo: "I thought it wanted revenge for its siblings we burned to death!"
    Applejack: "And when ya heard an owl."
    Scootaloo: "I thought it was Owloysious's psycho stalker ex-girlfriend, plotting to kill us and use our skin as parchments to send him love letters!"
    Applejack: "And when ya heard a frog."
    Scootaloo: "I thought it was an evil witch threatening to turn us into Prince Blueblood!"
    Applejack: "...OK, that is a scary thought, but..."
    Scootaloo: "Everything'sOKthnxbai!"
    Scootaloo: "So, need a hoof or something?"
    Rarity: "How kind of you to offer!" *puts Scootaloo in the cart's harness*
    Rarity: "So, what are you learning today, Sweetie?"
    Sweetie Belle: "Using ponies' psychological weaknesses to extract favors?"
    Rarity: "Good girl! We'll have you conquer some minor kingdom yet!"


    Dark!
    Applejack: "All righty, gals! No need fer a tent tonight - we'll all be sleepin' in that dank, dark cave that's probably full o'vampire bats."
    Scootaloo: "WHY UNIVERSE HATE SCOOTALOO?!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Awesome! Scoots, go get us some firewood!"
    Scootaloo: *sobs on the inside*
    Menacing Eyes of the Forest: "We're watching you."
    Scootaloo: "Eeeeeeeep."
    Menacing Eyes of the Forest: "We're judging you. We think you're some kind of chicken."
    Scootaloo: "I'M NOT! ...Even if right now, I feel like one."
    Scootaloo: "...Here, branches, branches, branches!" [/actual dialog]
    Scootaloo: "..."
    Scootaloo: "Twilight was right. I am so stoopid."
    Menacing Eyes of the Forest: "We're laughing at you."
    Scootaloo: "AAAAAAAAAAH!" *runs like Dream Valley*
    Scootaloo: "AAAAAAAAAAMPHHHH!" *grabs branches*
    Scootaloo: "MPHHHHHHHH!" *brings branches to camp*
    Menacing Eyes of the Forest: "We just wanted to invite you over for tea. Jerk."
    Scootaloo: "There! Firewood! Got it!"
    Rainbow Dash: "That's it? There's barely enough here to-"
    Scootaloo: "Well how am I supposed to find wood in the middle of a freaking forest?! I don't do miracles!"
    Applejack: "That'll do, kiddo. Just sit with-"
    Scootaloo: *sits with Rainbow Dash*
    Rainbow Dash: "Now where was I? Ah, right. The part where I murder you all via heart attacks just by talking."
    Rainbow Dash: "It's the perfect crime! MWAHAHAHA!"
    Scootaloo: "A-a-a-actually, how about I tell tonight's story?"
    Rainbow Dash: "Hmph. OK, fine. Just make sure it's a horrible one."
    Scootaloo: "There once was a really really nice pony who lived in a bright and sunny land, where there were rainbows everyday and lots and lots of happy friends..." [/actual horror story]
    Rainbow Dash: "No offence, Scoots, but we're talking schlocky ghost story horror here. G3 is more existential horror."
    Rainbow Dash: "I am told that these very woods are haunted by a terrible creature. An undead warrior from a bygone era, from a faraway land."
    Rainbow Dash: "Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story: The Tale of the Headless Horse."
    Applejack and Rarity: *have heard that story before, remember?*
    Applejack: *notices the fillies might be a bit too scared*
    Applejack: "So, if it ain't got no head, how can it see where it's goin'?"
    Rainbow Dash: "It's magic! I don't have to explain it!"

    Meanwhile, in Ponyville:
    Spike: "Goodbye... cruel world..."
    Twilight: "I am so so sorry, Spike! I have no idea why I suddenly shot out an arcane blast! For a moment, I just felt inexplicably furious!"

    One scary story later...
    Rainbow Dash: "...aaaaand the poor ninjas were never heard from again!"
    Applebloom & Sweetie Belle: "AAAAAAAAAAAH!"
    Applebloom & Sweetie Belle: *hug their sisters for comfort*
    Scootaloo: *hugs a log for comfort*
    Log: *is not very comforting*
    Rarity: "Don't worry, Sweetie. If any ghost shows up, I'll whine at it until exorcises itself. Nothing will disturb your sleep."
    Scootaloo: "S-s-sleep? As in, sleep in the dark, potentially dragon-infested cave?"
    Scootaloo: "Who needs sleep?! We don't need sleep! What we need is campfire songs!"
    Sweetie Belle: "Don't mind if I do!"
    Sweetie Belle: "99 BUCKETS OF OAT ON THE WALL, 99 BUCKETS OF OAT!"
    Applejack: "Sweet mercy, she be singin' like Mimi in Digimon Adventures!"
    Rarity: "In her defense, this is a song that's designed to be sung horridly."

    99 buckets of oat later:
    Sweetie Belle: "...ZERO BUCKETS OF OAT ON THE WALL! All right, that was fun. Now let's do like a wave function and collapse." *does so*
    Scootaloo: "Wait! Let's not go to bed yet! There's a million things we could still do! Like crusade for cutie marks! Hide from bullies! Unleash Elder Evils!"
    Applejack: "Seriously, gal, any particular reason ya be avoidin' sleep like tha cutie pox?"
    Scootaloo: "Hahahaha of course not! I just don't want to waste my precious time with Saint Rainbow Dash of Her Glorious Super-Duperness with silly, useless things like sleep!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Makes sense to me, but I need my shut-eye, and I need it now."
    Scootaloo: "Why oh why couldn't I admire someone like Fluttershy or something?"

    Scootaloo: "B-b-back in the shadowland? NOT GOOD! SUB-OPTIMAL!"
    Menacing Galloping: *can be heard*
    Scootaloo: "AAAAAAAAAH! The Headless Horse!"
    Scootaloo: "If he catches me, I'll never be heard from again! I WANNA BE HEARD FROM! I'LL SETTLE FOR BEING HEARD FROM AS A CHICKEN! I'LL CLUCK IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT!"
    Headless Horse: *closes in*
    Scootaloo: "NOOOOOO!"
    Suddenly: "Nightmare detected. Fire the Orbital Friendship Beam."
    Moon: *vaporizes Headless Horse*
    Luna: "Hail to the God-Queen, baby."
    Scootaloo: "G-G-God-Queen Luna?"
    God-Queen Luna: "Surprised?"
    Scootaloo: "I'll say! I thought you were a myth!"
    God-Queen Luna: "I showed up in Ponyville last Nightmare Night! Scootaloo, you were there!"
    Scootaloo: "Well, I, for one, am glad to see you!"
    God-Queen Luna: "Of course you are." *tries to hide tears of joy*
    Scootaloo: "But weren't you supposed to be in Canterlot?"
    God-Queen Luna: "I am the Metal War Princess of the Night. Dreams are part of my domain, young filly. Given the vast number of paraphysical threats that can strike through the dream realm, somepony needs to stand guard."
    God-Queen Luna: "...No wonder sister got so good at delegating. That thousand years of double-shifts must have been murder."
    Scootaloo: "Wait, dreams? This isn't real?"
    God-Queen Luna: "The headless horse pursuing you should have been your first clue. I mean, really. It has no head. How could it see where it's going?"
    God-Queen Luna: "However, if you do not face your greatest fear, it shall still be there in the morning."
    Scootaloo: "Th-th-the Headless Horse?"
    God-Queen Luna: "I find that our true greatest fears are rarely the stuff of campfire tales."
    Scootaloo: "Th-th-the Ebon Dragon?"
    God-Queen Luna: "...I'll grant you some exceptions. But what is your true fear?"
    Scootaloo: "...For Rainbow Dash to discover how chicken I really am. I mean, I've been trying to get rid of that stupid meme for ages, and now..."
    God-Queen Luna: "We all have our fears, Scootaloo. But we all must face them."
    God-Queen Luna: "Because otherwise, you start going slightly mad, and next thing you know, you've gone all supervillain, crops are dying from lack of sunlight, and your sister is shooting you in the face with a Rainbow Deathray so hard, you get knocked into the Moon."
    Scootaloo: "..."
    God-Queen Luna: "OK, maybe that's just me. But the rest of what I said still stands!"
    God-Queen Luna: "Also, there a colt in Ponyville called Pipsqueak. Try hanging out with him. Real nice fellow."

    Scootaloo: *awakens*
    Scootaloo: "OK. OK. I'm awake. I'm not a chicken. I'm not gonna let some sleep deprivation get the best of me. I'm pretty sure Solomon Grundy isn't real in this universe, at least."
    Sounds: *are always creepy in the dark!*
    Scootaloo: "...But the Headless Horse could be real! Rainbow Dash said it lives in this forest!"
    Rainbow Dash: *whinnies in her sleep!*
    Scootaloo: "AHHHHHHHH! Whinnying inside the cave! It's the Headless Horse! At 3AM, there is no other explanation!"
    Scootaloo: *scoots off! Full speed!*
    Scootaloo: "Wait a minute. The Headless Horse, pretty much by definition, doesn't have a head. I don't think you can whinny without a head, can y-"
    Scootaloo: *trips on a rock in the dark of the night*
    Scootaloo: *goes over a ravine*
    Scootaloo: *grabs branch*
    Scooter: *falls in the ravine*
    Scootaloo: "NOOO! My scooter! I need it to scoot!"
    Scootaloo: "So... Um... Anyone out there?"
    Gravity: "Yes. Me."
    Scootaloo: "Gravity, you old fiend! You'll never get away with this!"
    Gravity: "You will find, little filly, that I can, and I will."
    Scootaloo: "..."
    Scootaloo: "OK, Gravity, look. I know you and I have never been on very good terms, to put it lightly. But, perhaps, we can come to an arrangement?"
    Gravity: "By all means. I will kill you, and you will die for me."
    Scootaloo: "That doesn't sound like a fair arrangement to me."
    Gravity: "This is the part where I kill you."
    Gravity: *drops Scootaloo into the river*
    Scootaloo: "Help! Help! I can't swim like this! I can barely see where the current is taking me! All I can see is the upcoming... deadly... waterfall..."
    Gravity: "This is my favorite part."
    Scootaloo: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" *plummets to her doom*
    Gravity: "Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes-"
    Suddenly Rainbow Dash: *Daring last-minute rescue!*
    Gravity: "Oh FUCK YOU so very much!"
    Scootaloo: "Rainbow Dash? Oh thank you thank you thank you!"
    Scootaloo: "Wait. What were you even doing here?"
    Rainbow Dash: "I was having this really intense dream."
    Rainbow Dash: "Which was giving really specific coordinates and directions, too."
    Rainbow Dash: "And the weirdest part was, there was a pony there with wings and a horn, but it wasn't God-Queen Celestia. Wasn't Cadance or Helios, either. Dreams are weird like that."
    God-Queen Luna: "Oh go buck yourself."
    Rainbow Dash: "But the better question is: WHAT WERE YOU DOING HERE?! Five seconds later, and you'd have hit the lake so hard, you'd have been pony pancake!"
    God-Queen Luna, Moonspeaker: "Go get 'em, tiger."
    Scootaloo: "..."
    Scootaloo: "I'm so so sorry! I'm your number one fan, and I can't fly, and I've always admired your moves and awesomeness and stuff, and I've had this dream of you taking me as your sister or sidekick or apprentice or pet or whatever, and I thought this trip would be a good chance to impress you, but instead I kept getting spooked by those Midnight Society stories and I couldn't sleep and the sleep deprivation made me even stoopider than usual and I thought I was seeing monsters everywhere and I panicked and tried to run away and then Murphy's Law had a villain team up with Gravity to try to kill me!"
    Murphy's Law: "I'll be baaaack!"
    Scootaloo: "You must think I'm a total idiot."
    Rainbow Dash: "Aw, Scootaloo. Don't say that. Everypony in town has been thinking you and the other two Plagues of Ponyville are total idiots since way, way longer than this."
    Rainbow Dash: "...That wasn't helpful, was it? OK, new try:"
    Rainbow Dash: "You know... those campfire stories? The first time I heard them... I got scared too."
    Scootaloo: "Really?"
    Rainbow Dash: "I'll drop you off a cliff myself if you repeat this, but yes."
    Rainbow Dash: "Mind you, I got over it real quick once I figured that if I did meet a Headless Horse, or Solomon Grundy, or a dragon, I could totally solo their sorry flanks."
    Scootaloo: "Heh, yes."
    Rainbow Dash: "So, you want someone to play mentor to you? Sure, I can do that."
    Scootaloo: "Really?"
    Rainbow Dash: "Sure thing. We'll just call it an Alex Warlorn tribute!"
    And many dawwws were had!


    And soon afterwards, our intrepid campers reach the Cloudesdale landfill!
    Rarity: *admires the rainbow sewer*
    Rarity: "It's true what they say - one pony's trash is another pony's treasure."
    Sweetie Belle: "I call Sisterhooves Special! Last pair of ponies on is a rotten carrot!"
    Rarity: "Oh please, Sweetie Belle."
    Rarity: "...Last pair of ponies in is last year's fashion!"
    The race is on!
    Rainbow Dash: "Heh. Look at them. They actually think they got a chance."
    Rainbow Dash: *gives Scootaloo an aerial lift!*
    Scootaloo: *tears of joy*
    Scootaloo: "SCOOTALOVE IS CANON! I'M THE QUEEN OF THE WORLD!"


    Back in the shadowland:
    "SOLOMON GRUNDY, BORN ON A MONDAY!"
    Scootaloo: "AAAAAAAAH! I HATE MONDAYS!"
    Solomon Grundy: "SOLOMON GRUNDY, BORN ON A MONDAY! YOU GIVE BACK GRUNDY'S GOLD!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Here's your stupid gold, for pony's sake!" *gives Solomon Grundy one bit*
    Rainbow Dash: "Sheesh. Some ponies take tipping way too seriously."
    Solomon Grundy: "THANKS! NOW, SOMEPONY GIVE BACK GRUNDY'S HOUSE KEYS!" [/this joke generously donated by Huitzilopochitli]
    Scootaloo: "...Dreams are weird."
    God-Queen Luna: "Ah, but that is part of the fun, is it not?"
    Scootaloo: "Rock on, you Metal War God-Queen of the Night, you."


    Scootaloo: "You know, I thought we were done with the chicken jokes."
    So did I, to be honest.
    Scootaloo: "You used them again this episode. Repeatedly."
    People were joking about you being chicken, and inspiration struck.
    Scootaloo: "I oughta reach through the fourth wall and-"
    It's not that kind of story, Scoots. Besides, you're finally getting close to Rainbow Dash, just when she's getting mature enough to make for a decent big sister figure. Scootabuse is dead. Count your blessings, kiddo.
     
  • Threadmarks
    • sun tzu said:
    I'll admit, given your negative-to-positive comment ratio, I would actually be wondering if you even like the show if I didn't know you from the original thread. XD
    ...But I'll admit, season 3 is likely the weakest.
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    I am sorry. it's just, as much positive the show has, it also has some horrible problems with protagonist-centered morality and the good guys getting away with some horrible stuff while others that haven't done a fraction of what they've done but get demonized in and out of universe. And as I said with Discord, I am tired of being told what an awful person I am for not forgiving him. Same with Starlight Glimmer. And Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. And with a lot of episodes, like Mystery on the MMMMExpress, Too Many Pinkie Pies or Sweet and Elite they fail to stick the landing.
     
    RK_Striker_JK_5 said:
    I am sorry. it's just, as much positive the show has, it also has some horrible problems with protagonist-centered morality and the good guys getting away with some horrible stuff while others that haven't done a fraction of what they've done but get demonized in and out of universe. And as I said with Discord, I am tired of being told what an awful person I am for not forgiving him. Same with Starlight Glimmer. And Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. And with a lot of episodes, like Mystery on the MMMMExpress, Too Many Pinkie Pies or Sweet and Elite they fail to stick the landing.
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    Perhaps so, but I still find it surprising that so many of your comments are focusing on the negative. ...Is everything OK, RK_Striker? I know this year has kinda been hard on everyone's nerves...
     
    Wonderbolt Academy
  • Threadmarks
    • Fleet Foot, Wonderbolt speedster supreme: "WOO! Best Wonderbolt party evah!"
    Spitfire, Wonderbolt captain: "Yeeeah, sure. Enjoy it while it lasts, 'cause tomorrow, it's back to the never-ending daily grind." *gazes wistfully into empty glass*
    Soaren, Wonderbolt designated flyer: "Hoo-kay, Spit, I think we're at the point where you reach your 'sad drunk' phase. I think you've had enough."
    Spitfire: "Dam' straight I've had enough! Soaren, iz'dis where you thought you'd be at this point in y'r life? Flyn' for an audience of snobs who're too jaded an' em'ty-souled to appreciate it, spendin' allll day autographing pictures to fill the stupid budget, getting your flank kicked by dragons... Oh Celestia when did it all go wrong?!"
    Fleet Foot: "Er, Spit? Just yesterday, you achieved joygasm while performing that stunt with the combustible clouds. And you couldn't stop smiling all morning today while answering fanmail."
    Soaren: "Don't bother, Fleet Foot. Once Spitfire's had one too many glass, nothing except a good night's sleep can pull her out of her funk. Celestia knows I've tried."
    God-Queen Celestia: "He's tried."
    Spitfire: "Well I'll tell you what! Us Pegasi? We've been slacking of. Only one pony in several generations who can pull a sonic rainboom? Tornado record stays the same for thirty years? Unable to beat some dumbass dragon?"
    God-Queen Celestia: "Actually, it was an exceptionally badass dragon who had been raised in Equestria and was familiar with the combat tactics of the Wonderbolts. Hardly a fair standard to judge by."
    Spitfire: "Aw, that's nice of you to say. But still! Is this what we want to tell our foals - that the best is all behind us, and that at most maybe they'll do as well as their parents? We should be doing better than this! We need new achievements, new accomplishments to give new dreams to the younger generation! We need... Urk, I need the bathroom."
    Soaren: "Straight to the left, oh captain my captain."



    WONDERBOLT ACADEMY



    Pinkie Pie: "AUGHHHH! Why can't the mail be here already?! I CAN'T TAKE THE TENSION!"
    Applejack: "Yyyyeah, no helpin' it sugarcube. Tha mail always ends up bein' late whenever they fire Derpy."
    Rainbow Dash: "Yeah, but at least the mail gets to the right person."

    Last week, in Detrot:
    Derpy Hooves: "Package for you, Twilight!"
    Trixie: "GODDAMMIT DERPY! The Humble and Apologetic Trixie nicely requests to know why you keep bringing her anti-psychotic medication!"

    Rainbow Dash: "Anyway, the letter's just a formality. Once I get into the Wonderbolt Academy..."
    Pinkie Pie: "IF! Don't say 'when'! IF! Don't jinx it!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Uh, hello? Winner of the Best Young Flyers competition here? Mistress of the sonic rainboom? Was asked to perform at the wedding of the decade by the God-Queen personally?"
    Pinkie Pie: "DON'T JINX IT! When you gaze into the Murphy, the Murphy gazes into you!"
    Applejack: "Pinkie, ye're bein' ridicu-"
    Pinkie Pie: "MURPHY WATCHES YOU WHEN YOU SLEEP!"
    Applejack: "...Smile, nod, an' slowly back away."
    Mailpony: "Letter for Rainbow Dash!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Oh YEAH!" *opens letter*
    Rainbow Dash: "..."
    Rainbow Dash: "...I didn't get in."
    Twilight: "WHAT?! This is entirely illogical!"
    Applejack: "Those no-good, no-brain, know-nothin' nutbags!"
    Rarity: "Le gasp! Do you want my fainting couch?"
    Fluttershy: "Oh my. Do you want a long, intimate hug? I can fetch the rope."
    Pinkie Pie: "DAMN YOU, MURPHY! DAMN YOU TO EVERFREE!"
    Tex Murphy: "What did I do?"
    Rainbow Dash: "..."
    Rainbow Dash: "TROLOLOLOLOL! Ha! Had you all going, didn't I?"
    Pinkie Pie: "JOYPRESS!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Ergh..."
    Pinkie Pie: "JOYCRUSH!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Urk!"
    Pinkie Pie: "JOYSMASH!"
    Rainbow Dash: *I can haz dead now?*
    Rainbow Dash: "Can't... fly... with broken... spine..."
    Twilight: "Fluttershy, fix Dash's spine. Pinkie, hug the air for a while. AJ, Rarity, get Dash's luggage."
    Rainbow Dash: "OK, thanks. Now, off to become Top Feather!"
    Pinkie Pie: *picks up ultraloudspeaker*
    Pinkie Pie: "DON'T FORGET TO WRIIIITE!!!"

    Meanwhile, in Canterlot:
    God-Queen Celestia: "Hm. What do you think, sister?"
    God-Queen Luna: "Not bad. A few more decibels, and we can add it to our list of WMDs."


    Welcome to Wonderbolt Academy - population: A bunch of totally rad pegasi!
    Spitfire: "OK, girl. You can do this. Effective drill sergeant goes in, laid-back Spitfire goes out. Drill sergeant in, Spitfire out."
    Spitfire: "All right, maggots, LISTEN UP!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Maggots? Where?"
    Spitfire: "OK, no, that joke's been done to death."
    Spitfire: "Like I said, LISTEN UP! To be a Wonderbolt, it's not enough to be good! You have to be the cream of the crop! Elite among the elite! If any of you think you've already got what it takes... Think again!"
    Spitfire: "Here, you will work harder than ever before! Push yourself beyond what you thought was possible! This will be your private week in Hell - and in the unlikely case it doesn't kill you, it might make you strong enough for the job!"
    Spitfire: "YOU! Do you think you're good enough?!"
    Cloudchaser: "No ma'am! Have mercy ma'am! Please don't devour my entrails ma'am!"
    Spitfire: "YOU! You really think you've got a chance at high-speed flying with those microscopic wings of yours?!"
    Steroid Pony's imaginary self: "Curse the virus currently infecting my sore throat, for it leaves me helpless to answer, and as such, I shall keep to myself a vigorous, life-affirming YEAH!"
    Spitfire: "YOU! You look like your top speed is 5 kilometers per hour! I'll bet you quit on your first day!"
    Rainbow Dash: "No ma'am! There is no force in the universe that could possibly, even in theory, make me quit the Wonderbolt Academy, ma'am! Well, except for graduation, ma'am."
    Spitfire: "YOU! You probably can't fly five minutes without getting winded!"
    Lightning Dust: "Try me."
    Rainbow Dash: "...Why didn't I think of that?"
    Spitfire: "Oh, I'll be trying you all right. EVERYPONY! 500 LAPS!"

    And so...
    Rainbow Dash: "499 down, 1 to go!"
    Lightning Dust: "Same here. Wanna make this... interesting?"
    Rainbow Dash: "Are rainbows rockingly awesome?"
    Rockingly Awesome Race To The Finish!
    Spitfire: "Not bad... for maggots. Let's see if you get your wings by the end of this week."
    Lightning Dust: "Hm. Wanna become sitcom rivals and turn jealous and hostile toward each other?"
    Rainbow Dash: "Nah, that's lame and cliché. Let's be all season 3 and shit."
    Lightning Dust: "Sure, why not. So. Name's Lightning Dust. You're that mare who won the Best Young Flyers' competition with the sonic rainboom, right?"
    Rainbow Dash: "The one and only. Glad to see my awesomeness precedes me."
    Lightning Dust: "Eh, I think that was more radicalness."
    Rainbow Dash: "...You are my new BFF."


    Pinkie Pie: *opens mailbox*
    Pinkie Pie: *closes mailbox*
    Pinkie Pie: *opens mailbox*
    Pinkie Pie: *closes mailbox*
    Pinkie Pie: *opens mailbox*
    Pinkie Pie: *closes mailbox*
    Applejack: "Pinkie? Tha mail canna get in tha box while nopony but ya is near it."
    Pinkie Pie: "Huh? Why not?"
    Applejack: "Because tha mailmare would need ta put tha mail in there in order for tha mail ta be in."
    Pinkie Pie: "Under what crazy physical laws does that make any sense?"
    Applejack: "...This conversation is way above mah pay grade. Still, ya oughta give it a rest. Ah heard tha God-Queen is havin' Twilight practice some newfangled spell. Somethin' called 'Wish'. How 'bout we watch her fumble tha early attempts?"
    Pinkie Pie: "Well, that sounds like fun..."
    Pinkie Pie: "But if I leave, the mail could arrive while I'm not looking! If it arrives when I'm not looking, the letter could be stolen by an enemy secret agent spying on the Elemental Harmony Squad! If the letter is stolen by an enemy secret agent spying on the Elemental Harmony Squad, he could learn Rainbow Dash is out of town! If he learns Rainbow Dash is out of town, he could attack Ponyville without having to worry about the Elements of Harmony! If he attacks Ponyville without having to worry about the elements of Harmony, Equestria will be doomed, and IT'LL ALL BE MY FAUUUUULT!"
    Applejack: "...Ah'm surrounded by idiots."
    Pinkie Pie: "Huh? How can you be surrounded? There's nopony here but the two of us."
    Applejack: "Yeah, but Ah wanted ta say it. Twilight always makes it look fun!"


    Spitfire: "Next up, we'll be testing your ability to recover balance! Volunteers for the Nausea Machine?!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Oooh! Me! Pick me!"
    Lightning Dust: "Oooh! Me! Pick me!"
    Spitfire: "You! Get hopping!"
    Firefly the 96th: "Y-y-yes ma'am!"
    Firefly the 96th: "Curse you, ancestor of mine, for creating such high expectations for our line!"
    Rotation!
    Projection!
    Activities that the academy has to mention in the fine print to avoid torture lawsuits!
    Firefly: "Must. Go back in time. And help Tirac win."
    Spitfire: "Hm. 15 seconds to recover. Enough to avoid getting your flank kicked out of the academy... for now."
    Rainbow Dash: "Oooh! Me! Pick me!"
    Lightning Dust: "Oooh! Me! Pick me!"
    Spitfire: "YOU! With the ridiculous hair! Get in there!"
    Rotation!
    Projection!
    Perfection!
    Spitfire: "6 seconds? That's... Actually, I think that's the fastest in the academy's history."
    Firefly the 96th: "You made it look so easy!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Compared to navigating a conversation with Pinkie Pie, it was easy!"
    Lightning Dust: "Oooh! Me! Pick me!"
    Spitfire: "YOU! With the expression so cocky, chickens want to mate with you! On the double!"
    Lightning Dust: "Permission to try the nausea machine at the No Lunch Ever Again setting, ma'am?"
    Spitfire: "Seriously, kid?"
    Lightning Dust: "Kick reason to the curb and pierce the heavens! That's my motto!"
    Spitfire: "Your funeral."
    Rotation!
    Projection!
    Damnation!
    Salvation!
    Spitfire: "6.5 seconds? That's... not bad at all, really."
    Rainbow Dash: "A near-equal? This could be fun."

    Much nausea later...
    Spitfire: "All right, losers! I think you've done enough disappointing me for today. Tomorrow, you'll be assigned in pairs, with a leadpony and a wingpony in each. DISMISSED!"

    The next day:
    Rainbow Dash: "SO! Which fantastically lucky pegasus shall have the supreme honor of being wingpony to the one, the only, the amaaaazing Rainbow Dash?!"
    Lightning Dust: "Hey, check this out! You're my wingpony! Awesome!"
    Rainbow Dash: "MY WORLD IS CRUMBLING!"

    Rainbow Dash: "Ma'am? Permission to enter your lair of doom?"
    Spitfire: "It's called an office, but, yes."
    Spitfire: *hoof-stamps picture after picture after picture after picture after picture after picture after picture after picture after picture after picture*
    Spitfire: "...Also, you wouldn't have happened to see my soul? Been looking for the darn thing all morning..."
    Rainbow Dash: "Ma'am! I'm the best at what I do, and what I do is totally awesome! I'm sure Lightning Dust does great things in an unimportant NPC kind of way, but I should be leadpony!"
    Spitfire: "Two things, Dash."
    Spitfire: "First of all: I've already seen your leadership. And if you join the Wonderbolts, don't foal yourself - you'll be spending a lot of time following others' lead. Best see if you're capable of it now."
    Spitfire: "Second: You are exceptionally talented!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Well, I don't like to brag on any day that isn't Monday, Tuesday, or something that rhymes with them, but..."
    Spitfire: "THAT WASN'T A COMPLIMENT, NITWIT! Natural talent won't carry you into the Wonderbolts on its own! That requires hard work - harder than you've ever done, since you can usually just coast by on your talent! Everypony else here is used to working at least twice as hard as you - and unless you learn to work just as hard, you're wasting both our time! Lightning Dust is always pushing her limits, and I'm hoping it'll rub off on you!"
    Rainbow Dash: "...Yes ma'am."


    Lightning Dust: "DUDE! Check this awesome insignia that shows I'm the boss of you!"
    Rainbow Dash: "That's... very nice, Dust. Totally doesn't fill me with insecurities or anything!"
    Spitifire: "All right, you buncha flightless dodos! Capture the flag! Get going!"
    Hiiiiighwaaaay tooooo theeee danger zone!
    Riiiide iiiintoooo theeee danger zone!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Target flag at ground o'clock!"
    Lightning Dust: "Awesome! Let's get it!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Wait, I know you're great at this deadfall maneuver, but it's not in my repertoire, and I don't think I can follow you through that crevice at full spee-"
    Lightning Dust: "TL;DR!"
    Gravity: *hits Rainbow Dash in the wing*
    Gravity: "MWAHAHAHA! Revenge, it is sweet!"
    Spitfire: "And the first flag goes to the Dynamic Duo!"
    Lightning Dust: "You ain't seen nothing yet, ma'am!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Urgh... Can you wait a bit with the inevitable Squirk quotes?" *needs novocaine. And a new wing*
    Lightning Dust: "Come on, you're fine! I can't feel any pain in your wing, so obviously, it's all right!"
    Spitfire: "...Any problem, Dash?"
    Rainbow Dash: "..."
    Rainbow Dash: "Nope ma'am, just pushing past our limits ma'am!"
    Rainbow Dash: "...Limits are painfull."


    Pinkie Pie: "Ninety-five hours of wait on the wall... Ninety-five hours of wait..."
    Rarity: "All right, this has officially gone from 'funny' to 'depressing'. We need to pry Pinkie away from this mailbox."
    Pinkie Pie: "THREE DAYS! Three days since Dash has left, and not a single letter! She probably doesn't even remember who we are! She's probably replaced us with imaginary friends built out of random objects she had lying around! I'll bet she's having a tea party with them right now!"
    Twilight: "That was random and nonsensical even by your standards, Pinkie. Look, how about you just send her a letter yourself?"
    Pinkie Pie: "That's a fantastiTHAT'S A HORRIBLE IDEA! What if they've already rehired Derpy by now? What if instead of reaching Rainbow Dash, the letter gets to Spike? And then Spike reads it, and gets confused, and becomes the new Rainbow Dash? And then the Internet explodes twice? IT'LL ALL BE MY FAULT!"
    Pinkie Pie: "Unless... Unless instead of sending a letter, we drop by and deliver a care package in person!"
    Twilight: "I'll get the balloon."
    Fluttershy: "I'll get the wingpower."
    Applejack: "I'll get the care package."
    Rarity: "I'll get a break from the slow week at my job!"


    Spitfire: "Next up: The obstacle course! Your mission, should you have any hope of graduating, is to navigate with high precision under extreme circumstances!"
    Spitfire: "This exercise is all about agility and coordination, so don't bother being speedy - it's not a race!"
    Lightning Dust: "Heh. It wasn't a race."
    Rainbow Dash: "What's this feeling in my stomach? ...Oh Celestia, I think that's what apprehension feels like!"
    Tempest!
    Lightning!
    Slower pair of ponies in front!
    Lightning Dust: "Celestiadammit, I hate having to slow down because of slowpokes!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Hey, we can still impress Spitfire by going above and beyond the call of duty with each obstacle, right?"
    Lightning Dust: "Hm... Yeah, that sounds fairly reasonab-"
    Ponies in front: *are slowed down by tempest wind*
    Lightning Dust: "KICK REASON TO THE CURB! LET CELESTIA SORT THEM OUT!"
    Lightning Dust: *kicks other ponies to the curb*
    Lightning Dust & Rainbow Dash: *flight of the aces!*
    Spitfire: "Impressive! You two are shaping up to be the spearheads of the new Wonderbolt generation! There may be hope for the future yet!"
    Spitfire: "The rest of your class, on the other hand, seem to have all gotten their heads stuck in the clouds for some reason. I better go lend 'em a hoof."
    Rainbow Dash: "..."
    Rainbow Dash: "Er, Dust? Maybe next time, we should try not to send the other teams careening into the background? Just saying."
    Lightning Dust: "Naaaah. Being confronted with our superiority builds character!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Um..."
    Lightning Dust: "Look: The Wonderbolts aren't the Get-Along Gang. Their whole purpose is to be the best Celestiadamn flyers in Equestria. There's no point in anyone giving less than 100%... and if those other gals can't cut it, they might as well find that out now!"
    Rainbow Dash: "I... guess you're right..."
    Lightning Dust: "...That's a confusing statement. What, you thought there was a different possibility?"


    Today: Cloud-busting exercises!
    Steroid Pony: "With my throat restored and my voice once again my own, I shall wage a brutal campaign against the clouds hovering in our way, and my battlecry shall be a passionate, heartfelt YEAH!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Woo! We're scoring several times more points than any other team!"
    Lightning Dust: "Meh. I'm sure we could do something more radical than this."
    Lightning Dust: "Ooh, I know! I've got an idea that's just to die for!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Pleeeease tell me that was just an unfortunate choice of words."
    Lightning Dust: "Come on! This is gonna be awesome! Don't you go all chicken on me!"
    Rainbow Dash: "WHAT?! Why would you say something like that?! What kind of cruel, sadistic jackass calls a pony a chicken?!"
    Lightning Dust: "Look, forget my unfortunate choice of words! We gotta push the limits!"
    Rainbow Dash: "...Lead the way, Lightning."
    Lightning Dust: "Oh, this is gonna be sweet!
    Lightning Dust & Rainbow Dash: *Tornado Formation!*
    Rainbow Dash: "Wait, what?! A tornado formation?! Are you nuts?!"
    Lightning Dust: "Me no nuts, me crazy! Crazy like a fox! At this altitude, with this pressure and this degree of humidity, the two of us should have sufficient wingpower to activate a tornado all on our own!"
    Tornado: *twists and turns*
    Rainbow Dash: "You don't get it! Tornados require more than just wingpower! They require careful coordination! They're hard to control! They're-"
    Lightning Dust: "What, you don't think I have perfect control? It is to laughOHGOD THE TORNADO IS OUT OF CONTROL!"
    Twilight, in balloon: "You know, it really is brilliant how air currents in Equestria are programmed in a way that allows safe travel through balloon whenever youOH MOMMY CHRIST IT'S A TORNADO GET OUT OF THE BALLOON!"
    Tornado: "Tornado SMASH puny balloon!"
    Rainbow Dash: "AAAAAH! UNFORTUNATE CHOICE OF WORDS! VERY UNFORTUNATE CHOICE OF WORDS!"
    Rainbow Dash: *dashes through!*
    Rainbow Dash: "OK, OK. Pick up my friends before they can hit the ground..."
    Rainbow Dash: "Wait! I have five friends here! I can't carry more than four ponies at once without rupturing my wings! Even that rainboom rescue was pushing it!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Wait! Fluttershy can really fly! I only need to catch the other four!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Wait! Fluttershy isn't flying! Meaning she's having one of those moments where terror is boxblocking the awesome and her wings freeze!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Wait! If I can put some clouds in the way, they'll catch Fluttershy, and then I can catch the other four!"
    Rainbow Dash: "C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'monnnnn..." *positions clouds*
    Clouds: *cushion everypony's fall*
    Rainbow Dash: "Wait! They were coming to visit me on Pegasus territory, and Twilight knows a spell to let earth ponies and unicorns cloudwalk!"
    Rainbow Dash: "...OK, sure, that works too."
    Other cadets: *catch ponies!*
    Steroid Pony: *catches care package!*
    Thunderlane: "Why, Rarity! What's a pretty girl like yourself doing in such an ugly part of the weather?"
    Rarity: "Feeling very grateful, for starters."
    Cloudchaser: "And thus once again, whenever fiendish gravity threatens the ground-bound pony races, it falls upon the proud lineage of the pegasi to rescue them fromWTB YOU HAVE WINGS?!"
    Fluttershy: "...I keep forgetting that."
    Cloudchaser: "I hate you SO. MUCH."
    Rainbow Dash: "Oh my Celestia are you guys all right?"
    Twilight: "I... function."
    Fluttershy: "Fresh like a daisy."
    Rarity: "Everything is coming up darling, darling."
    Applejack: "Rock an' roll."
    Rainbow Dash: "Pinkie Pie? How about you?"
    Pinkie Pie: "YOU REMEMBER ME! You haven't replaced us with inanimate objects! I'M SO HAPPY!"
    Rainbow Dash: "I am... touched... by your confidence in my mental stability."
    Lightning Dust: "WOOO! That was awesome! Let's do it again!"
    Rainbow Dash: "WHAT?! Your psychotic stunt came this close to murderizing all my friends, you sociopathic adrenaline junkie!"
    Lightning Dust: "Oh Dashie, Dashie, Dashie. You so silly. Your friends are alive, so obviously, the tornado didn't murderize them! Life's too short to worry about hypotheticals! You know what did happen? We just nuked those punk clouds! The other cadets will need days to crawl up to our score!"
    Firefly the 96th: "I'll get the tar!"
    Thunderlane: "I'll get the feathers!"
    Steroid Pony: "I'll get the rope!"
    Cloudchaser: "Huh. You usually end your sentences with-"
    Steroid Pony: "I categorically refuse to sully my noble catchphrase on the despicable likes of her!"
    Lightning Dust: "So in short, Dash, once again we're number one! High-hoof!"
    Rainbow Dash: "You almost killed my friends!"
    Lightning Dust: "..."
    Lightning Dust: "High-hoof!"
    Rainbow Dash: "I'll shove that hoof high up your digestive tract! First your complete disregard for my safety got me to injure my wing! Then your complete disregard for everypony else's safety got everyone to eat the scenery during the obstacle course! And now, your complete disregard for safety or sanity got the weather itself all ponycidal!"
    Lightning Dust: "TL;DR. Cliff notes, please."
    Rainbow Dash: "You want cliff notes?! Here's your Celestiadamn cliff notes! You're a loose cannon, Dust, and there's no place for you in the sky! I don't care if you're the best damn flyer in the world, your recklessness makes it all worthless!"
    Rainbow Dash: "I get the drive for excellence! I feel it too, no matter how lazy people claim I am! But the way you're going at it, you won't end up number 1 - you'll end up with a bodycount!"
    Lightning Dust: "And yet, here I am, team leader. And you're just wingpony. So I can speak with the authority of the Wonderbolts when I say my approach is made of win and awesome, and yours is made of suck and fail."
    Rainbow Dash: "Is. That. So."

    Rainbow Dash: "Ma'am? Permission to enter your lair of doom?"
    Spitfire: "Office. And it had better be important. Those clouds aren't gonna bust themselves."
    Rainbow Dash: "Ma'am, those clouds have been busted so hard, even their ghosts got hit by proton packs."
    Spitfire: "Wait, what? It's been, like, fifteen minutes! How did you do it?!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Motherhugging tornado, ma'am."
    Spitfire: "Whoa. That's like nuking bunnies from orbit. It's a record-"
    Rainbow Dash: "...Record in cloud-busting speed, and you could fill an apple orchard with all the bucks I don't give! Lightning Dust's crazy tornado stunt almost got all my visiting friends killed - friends who happen to form the Elemental Harmony Squad!"
    Spitfire: "Wait, WHAT?! This calls for an immediate-"
    Rainbow Dash: "An immediate high-hoof?! Forget it! Lightning Dust may not care about endangering others, but I do!"
    Spitfire: "That's not what I-"
    Rainbow Dash: "Not what you want to hear? Well, TOUGH! Because I'm gonna be saying my piece whether you like it or not! And you know what? Your little pet psycho is bucking reckless! She has no consideration for anypony's safety!"
    Spitfire: "That's not-"
    Rainbow Dash: "Not fair? The Everfree it is! Let me tell you something about recklessness: I know reckless. I've been reckless. Against a dark goddess. Against a dragon. And more! And you know what? I'd be dead right now if I hadn't had sensible friends keeping me alive!"
    Spitfire: "That's-"
    Rainbow Dash: "...Sappy nonsense? To you, maybe. But I've learned a thing or two over the past year or two, and it's that a reckless move or two can get you cut in two! If being a Wonderbolt means being reckless, then you guys are exactly the sort of influence I need to cut off!"
    Spitfire: "That's not-"
    Rainbow Dash: "...not what a real Wonderbolt would say? Well then! I guess I'm not a real Wonderbolt!"
    Rainbow Dash: "I QUIT!"
    Rainbow Dash: *exits*
    Spitfire: "...Da buck did I just watch?"
    Rainbow Dash: "...Da buck did I just do?! My life is RUINED!"

    Rainbow Dash: "...and that's when I turned in my badge and quit."
    Applejack: "Aw shucks, Ah'm glad everythiYA DID WHAT?!"
    Rarity: "But... Being a Wonderbolt was your lifelong dream! Think of all the Wonderbolt cosplays and LARPs you organized! The pension plan calculated on a Wonderbolt's salary! All those lovely business cards you had printed!"
    Rainbow Dash: "If I gotta choose between my dreams and my soul, I'm keeping the one whose sins Celestia forgives."
    Twilight: "I'm so so sorry things didn't work out, Rainbow Dash."
    Rainbow Dash: "Eh... Maybe I could put together a different team... or a small-town alternative... or become a personal trainer... or the most overqualified weatherpony in all Equestrian history..."
    Spitfire: "RAINBOW DASH! You and I are gonna have WORDS, missy!"
    Spitfire: "First of all, how DARE YOU do the whole 'replace my words by what you think I'm gonna say' wacky misunderstanding routine! That shit got old years ago, and it wasn't funny when it started, either!"
    Rainbow Dash: "OK, I'll grant that, but-"
    Spitfire: "Let. Me. Finish."
    Spitfire: "The Wonderbolts aren't a collection of Equestria's best flyers. They're a team of Equestria's best flyers. We perform as a team, and we perform for massive crowds. When was the last time you heard of an accident in the middle of a Wonderbolt air show?! You think we got where we are by being reckless?!"
    Spitfire: "If a pony endangers her teammates and herself during operations, that is not Wonderbolt-approved... but guess what, genius: I need to know about misdemeanors before I can actually do something about them! You ponies need to say something when this sort of inappropriate behavior takes place!"
    Lightning Dust: "So, we're cool, right?"
    Spitfire: "You're a loose cannon, Dust, and there's no place for you in the force! I don't care if I have to take this all the way to God-Queen Celestia herself; give me your badge!"
    Spitfire: "You, young lady, are going to psych eval. Then we'll talk."
    Spitfire: "Whereas you, Dash... Comedic hiccup aside, you've shown you have the right stuff to function in a team, and to lead." *gives leadpony badge to Dash*
    Rainbow Dash: "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!"
    Spitfire: "Don't get too excited. For now, at least, you're a leadpony with no wingpony."
    Rainbow Dash: "Actually, ma'am, I think I can suggest the perfect replacement for-"
    Fluttershy: "Dashie, if you try to get me into the Wonderbolts, I will Stare at you until you can't remember a thing past your third birthday. Then massage your spine out of your back. Then I'll start working on you."
    Rainbow Dash: "...I'll manage for now, ma'am."
    Spitfire: "Awesome. NOW GET BACK TO WORK, YOU LAZY BUMS!"
    Rainbow Dash & the cadets: "MA'AM, YES, MA'AM!" *dash off!*
    Pinkie Pie: "WAAAAIT! You forgot your care package! I put some food in it! Without food, you will starve! If you starve, you will die! If you die, we will need to find the dragon balls to resurrect you! If we use the dragon balls to resurrect you, Spike will-"
    Twilight: "Iiiii think she'll be fine, Pinkie."




    Bonus deleted scenes:

    Rainbow Dash: "So... I'm lead pony now."
    Lightning Dust: "That is correct."
    Rainbow Dash: "Which makes you wingpony instead."
    Lightning Dust: "That's a thing."
    Rainbow Dash: "So I essentially got your place because I tattled to the boss."
    Lightning Dust: "There is nothing untrue with that statement."
    Rainbow Dash: "So... We're cool?"
    Lightning Dust: "Hahahahahahaha! Yes! Of course we're cool! I mean, sure, you may have snitched on me, made me look bad in front of the person who controls my future, got me humiliated in front of everyone... but, hey, I'd have to be some kind of immature jerkwad to blame you for this, instead of my own behavior."
    Lightning Dust: "And, clearly, I am not in any shape or form that sort of person."
    Rainbow Dash: "Right. Exactly."
    Rainbow Dash: "Anyway, here's the new flight pattern we'll be using."
    Lightning Dust: "Uh, why is it designed in such a way that I'm never, ever at your back?"
    Rainbow Dash: "No reason."


    Twilight Sparkle: "So, how was your week at Top Feather?"
    Rainbow Dash: "Well, I broke every damn record on the record..."
    Twilight Sparkle: "That's good!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Met Lightning Dust..."
    Twilight Sparkle: "That's bad!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Made friends with Lightning Dust..."
    Twilight Sparkle: "That's good!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Felt my spirit crushed at being made her wingpony..."
    Twilight Sparkle: "That's bad!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Got lectured by Spitfire..."
    Twilight Sparkle: "That's good!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Suffered injuries because of Lightning Dust being psycho..."
    Twilight Sparkle: "That's bad!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Tried to explain to her that she was being dangerously reckless..."
    Twilight Sparkle: "That's good!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Got nothing but dismissal for my effort, until she almost got my friends killed..."
    Twilight Sparkle: "That's bad!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Saved the day, exposed Lightning Dust's crap, got her position..."
    Twilight Sparkle: "That's good!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Found a monkey's head in my bed..."
    Twilight Sparkle: "That's bad!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Was best in my class, and am this close to finally making it into the Wonderbolts..."
    Twilight Sparkle: "That's good!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Was just wondering if I could stay here an extra week, and if you could tell Pinkie I'm not returning to Ponyville right away..."
    Twilight Sparkle: "...Can I go now?"
     
  • Threadmarks
    • sun tzu said:
    Perhaps so, but I still find it surprising that so many of your comments are focusing on the negative. ...Is everything OK, RK_Striker? I know this year has kinda been hard on everyone's nerves...
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    To sum up one big problem... I work retail. Early in the Covid-19 pandemic I was physically threatened by customers because my store had run out of toilet paper. And others yelled at me. I've gone on the overnight shift because I felt fear for my life. Which I know is not exactly rare, but it's still been... wearing on me. My creativity has gone down, and I don't like that.

    So overall like I said, I'm tired. I'm tired of awful people getting away with shit and me being expected to forgive them or some crap like that, in real-life and especially in fiction. I'm tired of being told I'm the bad guy or just as bad for not auto-forgiving people who have fucked me over in real-life, or horrific villains that have done evil things and continue to do evil things in fiction. I'm not talking about seeking out vengeance, for the record. I'm just talking about... not forgiving them. That's all. But apparently according to some people that makes me horrible.
     
    RK_Striker_JK_5 said:
    To sum up one big problem... I work retail. Early in the Covid-19 pandemic I was physically threatened by customers because my store had run out of toilet paper. And others yelled at me. I've gone on the overnight shift because I felt fear for my life. Which I know is not exactly rare, but it's still been... wearing on me. My creativity has gone down, and I don't like that.

    So overall like I said, I'm tired. I'm tired of awful people getting away with shit and me being expected to forgive them or some crap like that, in real-life and especially in fiction. I'm tired of being told I'm the bad guy or just as bad for not auto-forgiving people who have fucked me over in real-life, or horrific villains that have done evil things and continue to do evil things in fiction. I'm not talking about seeking out vengeance, for the record. I'm just talking about... not forgiving them. That's all. But apparently according to some people that makes me horrible.
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    *hug*
    I'm sorry for your troubles. I hope things get better soon.

    For the record, as generally pro-forgiveness as I am, I agree that it's possible to pervert forgiveness into something ugly that only serves to protect the powerful/the in-group from the consequences of their actions.
     
    sun tzu said:
    *hug*
    I'm sorry for your troubles. I hope things get better soon.
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    Thank you. I do count my blessings that I still have work, and that the people I work with on the overnight shift I like. An even bigger bonus, I can listen to the Bangles all night long and no one tells me not to. ;)

    sun tzu said:
    For the record, as generally pro-forgiveness as I am, I agree that it's possible to pervert forgiveness into something ugly that only serves to protect the powerful/the in-group from the consequences of their actions.
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    Yeah. And as much as I legit don't wanna say it... I see a lot of that perversion in how forgiveness is applied in Friendship is Magic.
     
    Apple Family Reunion
  • Threadmarks
    • RK_Striker_JK_5 said:
    Thank you. I do count my blessings that I still have work, and that the people I work with on the overnight shift I like. An even bigger bonus, I can listen to the Bangles all night long and no one tells me not to. ;)


    Yeah. And as much as I legit don't wanna say it... I see a lot of that perversion in how forgiveness is applied in Friendship is Magic.
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    Perhaps...
    ...but I am fairly certain than, when that happens, it's the result of writers not fully thinking things through, not intending to give a perverted message. Like... neither Faust nor Polsky intended "Feeling Pinkie Keen" to have a "don't be a scientist trying to understand the world" message, it was an accident - incompetence rather than malice.
    I can forgive that and move on much easier than when the author clearly either intends the bad message, or knows and simply doesn't care. Looking at you, Ayn Rand/Left Behind/Rising of the Shield Hero/Sword of Truth/Terraformers/Gone with the Wind/God Isn't Dead/Holy Terror/add your own








    Senator Tight Purse: "I'm just saying... This whole 'technology' thing may be the latest craze, but I think it's too early to tell if it will stick. Equestria has managed without railroads, moving pictures, or airboats for most of its existence, after all."
    Fancy Pants: "True, but consider some of the recent achievements: The railroads alone are driving a new economic boom, which started even before the new trade routes to the Crystal Empire. As for those charming new 'movies', as they call them, they have much untapped potential as an artform. Why, there are rumors that Sunny Days herself has been drafted to write a script for one, called 'Rescue at Midnight Castle'. I will freely admit that I am looking forward to it."
    Senator Tight Purse: "Fair enough, but what of airboats? Given that we already have pegasus-driven rickshaws, surely you must agree that they are redundant!"
    Fancy Pants: "Actually, I'm afraid I have to disagree with you there, old friend. Air boats provide something rather different. A chance for earth ponies and unicorns to experience flight at their own leisure, transport goods to Cloudesdale, and more. Even pegasi find uses for aerial stops that aren't as fragile as clouds."
    Fancy Pants: "In fact, I have recently invested large amounts of money in a company that designs some of the best airships in Equestria. They have a track record of well-designed and, dare I say, stylish machines. I believe they go by 'Appletech'?"



    APPLE FAMILY REUNION



    Granny Smith: "Canned goods, security perimeter... All is set!"
    Applejack: "Granny Smith, do we really need those things fer tha Apple family reunion?"
    Granny Smith: "Probably not, but tha last reunion was followed by tha Mare in tha Moon breakin' out. Ah ain't takin' no chances."
    Granny Smith: "So, who's comin' this time around?"
    Applebloom: "Everypony!"
    Granny Smith: "Pony what?"
    Applebloom: "They're all able ta come this time! Even Babs Seed! Continuity, BUCK YEAH!"
    Granny Smith: "No-one's too busy? No-one's unable ta attend? Tha odds were one in a million!"
    Applejack: "Seriously? That's almost as unlikely as one in a thousand!"
    Granny Smith: "Ye're like a reverse idiot savant, ya know that?"


    Granny Smith: "Bless mah old hooves, tha family seems ta be gettin' bigger with every reunion!"
    Applejack: "That tends ta happen, yes."
    Granny Smith: "Well, it's goin' ta be hard work organizin' it. Reminds me o'that time when that dumbass flooded tha Augean stables - cleanin' that mess up sure was some work!"
    Applejack: "Ah, Granny Smith? How 'bout lettin' me handle tha workload this time around? Ah mean, ya may be full o'energy fer yer-"
    Granny Smith: "Call me old, li'll filly, and tha only form o'apple ye'll be able ta eat will be juice."
    Applejack: "Yes ma'am."
    Applejack: "But still, how 'bout it? Ye've done organized a zillion reunions. Ain't it yer turn ta sit back and have some fun?"
    Granny Smith: "Hm. Maybe. OK, if tha God-Queen can trust ya with tha safety o'Equestria, Ah guess Ah can trust ya with a family reunion."


    Granny Smith: "All-righty then. Let's go over tha photo album o'previous reunions. Should get ya an idea o'what's needed."
    Granny Smith: "Hey, here's pictures o'Applesauce! Ah remember how she lost her original dentition in that jam cauldron. Ah believe tha tooth fairy made one o'our customers mighty rich that year."
    Granny Smith: "Here's how we done started workin' on that quilt. Been gettin' back ta work on it on each reunion."
    Applejack: "Wait, what? Ya and yer cousins have been workin' on that same friggin' quilt fer generations?!"
    Granny Smith: "Sysiphean, ain't it? Ah think Applebloom will be gettin' her cutie mark before that thing gets finished."
    Applebloom: "Thank y... Ah mean, how dare y... Ah mean... Was that a compliment or an insult?!"
    Applejack: "Sewing equipment. Check."
    Applebloom: "Hmph. Hey, what's this picture?"
    Granny Smith: "That's tha time yer big sister - who wasn't so big at tha time - tasted apple fritters. Half tha family had ta be hospitalized fer heart attacks after witnessing tha sheer cute."
    Applejack: "Defibrillators. Check."
    Granny Smith: "This here is me an' mah favorite cousin Apple Rose, at tha seven-legged race. Don't think we ever done won a single one o'them."
    Applejack: "Games and races. Check."
    Granny Smith: "And then there's tha traditional picture o'tha whole family taken in front o'tha barn."
    Applejack: "Magnesium. Check."
    Applejack: "Wait. If this is a family reunion everypony is attendin'... an' probably tha last reunion where no-one's missin'... then Ah gotta make sure this one is more memorable than a Derpy cameo voiced by John De Lancie!"


    Applebloom: "Sis? Ain't it way late fer such late-night cloppin'?"
    Applejack: "..."
    Applejack: "Tha Internet has ruined our vocabulary."
    Applejack: "But Ah canna sleep. Family reunions are serious business, and Ah shall not rest nor sleep 'till Ah got that perfect event planned fer-"
    Applejack: "Wait. No sleep? No rest? Last time Ah tried that, Ponyville got hit by a bunny stampede."
    Applejack: "Lesse... What did Ah do wrong last time?"
    Applejack: "Oh, right. Ah tried ta go it alone. Well, this time, Ah'm gonna call in favors from mah friends an' family! Ha! Me, Applejack, am too genre-savvy fer tha plot!"
    Plot: "I'm surrounded by idiots. Good thing, or I'd be out of work."


    Applejack: "A zillion apples a day keep tha famine at bay!"
    Big Mac: "Eyup!"

    Applejack: "Fer all yer sewing needs, try tha Carousel Boutique!"
    Rarity: "Just do be certain to mention me to your Manehattan relatives, dear."

    Applejack: "Why waste time going all tha way ta tha river or tha reservoire, when ya got a friend who can push clouds around?"
    Rainbow Dash: "Free electrostatic charges included!"

    Applejack: "Sugar an' spice an' everythin' nice... with tha addition o'Element Pink!"
    Pinkie Pie: "Our wisdom flows so sweet. Taste and see."
    Bee: "...OK, I was hoping for either Templar or Illuminati, but fuck it, you're too random for even the Dragon. I'm outta here."
    Pinkie Pie: "Huh. I'm sure that would make more sense if I played the right MMO. Oh, AJ? Don't forget the glitter!"
    Applejack: "..."
    Applejack: "Pinkie, be honest: Does this make me look like Sweetie Belle?"

    Applejack: "Dragons: Nature's own acetylene torch!"
    Spike: "...Don't you mean lighter?"
    Applejack: "Lighters are fer wimps."


    Apple Family Reunion!
    Braeburn from Appleloosa! Dumbass Pony from Canterlot! Socialites from Manehattan! Mountaineers from the Yodel Hills! Gadgeteers from Appletech! Lawyers from Forbidden Fruit Inc.!
    Applejack: *grabs megaphone made by Royal Canterlot Voice Industries*
    Applejack: "ALL RIGHT, APPLES, LISTEN UP! YE'RE ALL HERE TODAY TA MAKE GREAT MEMORIES, AND YE'RE GONNA LIKE IT! UNDERSTOOD?!"

    Applebloom: "C'mon, where is she where is she where is she..."
    Babs Seed: "Peekaboo."
    Applebloom: "AUGH! NOT IN THE FACE! NOT IN THE... Sorry, flashback."
    Babs Seed: "Yeah, I get those."
    Applebloom: "Well, Pavlovian fear aside! Ah'm so glad ta see ya! Ah know it's only been four episodes..."
    Babs Seed: "...but I was afraid I'd never show on-camera again!"
    Applebloom: "Exactly! So, how's life been treatin' ya off-screen?"
    Babs Seed: "Pretty awesome, actually. I got transferred to a new school, which was an excellent start, away from all my old bullies. Then I met these two other fillies in my class, a pegasus and a unicorn - they're called Hyperloo and Saucy Song - and they were both interested in joining the Cutie Mark Crusaders..."
    Applejack: "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! If ya kids are gonna be doin' some catchin' up, do it during tha activities!"
    Applebloom: "Er, if ya say so. What sorta activities?"
    Applejack: "Fer starters, y'all do a seven-legged race over several miles. Then, an iron pony competition. Then, y'all enter a three-way fight with Gravity and Centrifugal Force. Then, crawling through half-a-mile o'mud under barbed wire. Finally, repeating 'Un chasseur sachant chasser doit savoir chasser sans son chien' while tightrope-walkin' until ya canna move yer tongue anymore. Fun!"
    Applebloom: "..."
    Applebloom's imaginary self: "STOOPID YOU'RE SO STOOPID!"
    Applebloom's actual self: "Didja slip on yer brain?! How the blazing Everfree didja design such an unforgivin', insane, ludicrou- Ya asked Rainbow Dash fer advice, didn'tcha?"
    Applejack: "Sure did!"


    Applesauce: "...and then Ah danced tha macarena on their grave."
    Apple Rose: "Heh. Beatin' yer enemies is overrated. Outlivin' 'em is where it's at!"
    Granny Smith: "True that."
    Applejack: "Hey there, Team Quiltbag! Hope ye're ready fer ye're part!"
    Applesauce: "Sure are, on tha condition ya don't call it that again. That word, it ain't meanin' what ya think it is."
    Apple Rose: "Doesn't necessarily make it incorrect, though."
    Applejack: "Anyway, Ah've replaced yer usual sewing equipment with these newfangled sewing machines Ah borrowed from mah good friend Rarity. With 'em, this year will be tha year y'all finish that quilt!"
    Apple Rose: "Finish it? B-b-b-b-blasphemy!"
    Applejack: "And knowin' that yer decades-long hell is finally over, and ye're never gonna have ta spend more time together workin' on it, should provide ya with all tha excitement ya can take at yer age!"
    Applesauce: "Darn kids."
    Applejack: "Mah job here is done! Now, Ah must go - mah family needs me!"
    Granny Smith: "..."
    Granny Smith: "Ah am so so sorry about that."
    Applesauce: "We'll say it makes us even fer that time with mah kid, tha banana, tha snowball, and tha bag o'marbles."


    Babs Seed: "...and that's how we won the talent show. In fact, we did so well that the local theater offered to hire us right away, but we decided we were too young for a showbiz career."
    Gravity: "Keep going, Centrifugal Force! Any moment now, we shall be breaching their defenses!"
    Centrifugal Force: "Indeed, Gravity! Today, victory is ours!"
    Applebloom: *Apple crash!*
    Applebloom: "...Once this is over, mah sister is gonna be findin' an anthill in her bed."


    Applejack: "Havin' fun making apple fritters?"
    Apple ToNewton'sHead: "Sure are! What a better place to catch, up, and talk, and..."
    Applejack: "An' make apple fritters. Seriously, keep up tha pace. We got a massive family ta feed! Most reunions don't have this many Apples in them, so we got greater demand!"
    Apple ToNewton'sHead: "But, wouldn't that also mean more hooves ta make tha apple fritters anyway?"
    Applejack: "Me an' math ain't on speakin' terms, so Ah ain't takin' chances."


    Babs Seed: "...doit savoir chasser sans son chien. Anyway, after we were done following the alchemy lessons from the weird-but-nice mysterious lady down the street - following her safety precautions to the letter, of course - we decided to try our hoof at journalism. We became reporters for the school paper, started doing some investigations, and cracked open this massive smuggling ring that had been operating through the harbor. The police were extremely grateful when we brought it to their attention..."
    Applebloom: "Un chasseur sachant chasser... Oh Celestia, Ah'm gettin' flashbacks ta tha cutie pox!"


    Applejack: "Everypony is expendin' tons an' tons o'energy on all tha fun activities! Total success!"
    Applejack: "An' look at all those smiles!"
    Applejack: "Those invisible smiles."
    Applejack: "Which are totally there. Somewhere. They're just hidin'."
    Applejack: "..."
    Applejack: "Quick quick quick, how do Ah make 'em all smile? Oh, of course. Tha next activity!"


    Applebloom: "Ah know mah sister means well, but that was freakin' STOOPID. Wow - is that how tha rest o'tha town feels whenever me an' mah friends screw up?"
    Babs Seed: "You have a habit of screwing up?"
    Applebloom: "...Let's get back to your story."
    Babs Seed: "Oh, right. Well, we figured we should quit the school newspaper, since as a matter of integrity journalists shouldn't write about themselves, and the paper insisted on dedicating the entire issue to how the mayor gave us the key to the city. The key ceremony was kinda nice, though, and-"
    Applejack: "Yo, stragglers! No time ta rest! There's more ta do!"
    Applebloom: "Applejack, this is supposed ta be an opportunity fer us ta catch up an' hang out! How're we supposed ta be doin' that if ye're keeping us busier than durin' apple-buckin' season?!"
    Applejack: "Don'worry, ya won't be exertin' yerselves in this one."


    Applejack: "Now, folks, as y'all know, every reunion, we have a nice, relaxin' hayride."
    Apple family: "Ahhhhh."
    Applejack: "Which is why this year, Ah decided to scratch it, an' replace it with somethin' more excitin'!"
    Apple family: "AAAAAH!"
    Applejack: "So Ah hired these fine fellows from Dodge Junction ta pull tha cart..."
    Fine fellows from Dodge Junction: "We charge quadruple."
    Applejack: "Sounds cheap ta me!"
    Apple family accountants: "AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"
    Applejack: "So, hi ho, Silver!"
    Silver Bullet, fine fellow from Dodge Junction: "Hi ho indeed."
    High-speed cart ride!
    Granny Smith: "Celestiadammit, Applejack! If Ah get outta here alive, Ahmma gonna put ya in a giant hamster wheel with Pinkie Pie and a pot of chocolate-flavored coffee!"
    Granny Smith: "Wait. Are we headed toward tha Est orchard?"
    Big Mac: "Eyup."
    Granny Smith: "Tha one we canna harvest apples from?"
    Big Mac: "Eyup."
    Granny Smith: "Tha one we get paid ta keep as is by tha Canterlot Zoological Society?"
    Big Mac: "Eyup."
    Granny Smith: "Tha one full o'fruit bats?"
    Big Mac: "Eyup."

    Applejack: "Ah'll have tha thank Fluttershy again fer herdin' 'em bats based on color. An' now, tha show-stopper!"
    Applejack: *bucks tree*
    Fruit bats: *are... fruit bats. Sort of. Forget it, Jack, it's Equestria.*
    Fruit bats: *form a Bat-Rainbow*
    Batman: *shudders at uncomfortable memories from the Silver Age*
    Apple family: "Oooooh!"
    Apple family: *have spent the whole day surrounded by apple fritters*
    Apple family: *now smell like the fruit bat's natural prey*
    Fruit bats: "BANZAI!"
    Apple family: "ABANDON THREAD!"
    Fine fellows from Dodge Junction: "WE'LL SEND YOU THE BILL!"
    Apple Acre barn: "Save yourselves, ponies - I'LL handle the cart!"
    Cart: "BANZAI!"
    Apple Acre barn: "TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO DIE!"
    Apple Acre barn: *dies*
    Applejack's dream: *dies*


    Applejack: "All mah plans fer tha perfect family reunion. Doomed. Entombed. Kaboomed."
    Granny Smith: "Quotin' a source no-one will recognize is like stealin', child."
    Applebloom: "'sides, it ain't so bad that yer plan are deader than dinos'."
    Applejack: "How the Dream Valley is it not so bad?!"
    Applebloom: "Well... yer plans stank, mostly."
    Granny Smith: "They kept eveypony too busy ta actually enjoy each other's presence."
    Applebloom: "So, we're all actually kinda glad that they're over."
    Applejack: "..."
    Applejack: "Thanks fer doin' such a mighty fine job o'cheerin' me up."
    Applebloom: "Yay! Ah'm helpin'!"
    Applejack: "Granny Smith? Ah'm so so SO sorry Ah ruined tha family reunion."
    Granny Smith: "Don't they teach ya anything nowadays?! It ain't over 'till it's over!"
    Applejack: "...Yeah. We could take tha traditional family picture in front o'tha barn! ...Wait."
    Applejack: "..."
    Applejack: "Let's see. What would mah heroes do in this sorta situation?"
    Applejack: "Smart Cookie would... have been tha one who advised against mah dumb mistakes in tha first place. Not applicable."
    Applejack: "God-Queen Celestia would... do somethin' smarter than Ah can come up with. Not applicable."
    Applejack: "General Killcthulhu would find tha nearest Elder Evil and kill it as a way o'apologizin'. Technically applicable, but takes too long."
    Applejack: "Colt Sawyer would... Heyyyy..."
    Applejack: "OK, quick question: Is everypony in this family an irrecoverable workaholic?"
    Apple family: "Are apples fruits?"
    Applejack: "Then Ah think Ah know a way we can all still make good memories today."


    [To the tune of Emerson Drive's "A Good Man"]
    Gather 'round, ye of the Apple Fam'ly
    And of your love of labor give proof
    We done smashed this here perfectly good barn
    So please do all lend us a hoof
    All we want is a place we can lay our grain, and a family we love to sooth all our pain
    Kind of understated
    Apples aren't that complicated!

    We wanna have it done
    By each and every one
    Who is an Apple, helps through trouble, and wants to fix this pile o'red rubble
    For we are a family, and we can see perfectly
    That each one's a worker, helper, sister, and a friend
    Apples to the end!

    Make the beams and raise them to the sky
    And together they'll form support
    In this way they are much like our fam'ly
    'Cause alone you bet we would fall short
    So bring those nails and let's each do our part, putting in all our heart, don't stand apart
    Our barn we'll earn
    Teamwork's something you gotta learn!

    We wanna have it done
    By each and every one
    Who is an Apple, helps through trouble, and wants to fix this pile o'red rubble
    For we are a family, and we can see perfectly
    That each one's a worker, helper, sister, and a friend
    Apples to the end!

    When this day ends I wanna leave a legacy
    Of love and laughs and honesty and farming
    Yes faaaarming!

    We wanna have it done
    By each and every one
    Who is an Apple, helps through trouble, and wants to fix this pile o'red rubble
    For we are a family, and we can see perfectly
    That each one's a worker, helper, sister, and a friend
    Apples to the end!


    Uncle Apple Strudel: "And that's how those weirdos with all their weird accents managed to have a mountainload of fun while raising a barn."
    Uncle Apple Strudel: "I'm still not sure who those strange ponies are, or why they keep inviting me over to their weird rituals, but hey, the food is always great."


    Applebloom: "Well, that sure ended up bein' fun."
    Babs Seed: "You can say that again! Hey, maybe I'll have the Manehattan CMC visit a construction site next week. Heck, I'll ask my teacher if we could organize a class excursion on that theme!"
    Applebloom: "Ah'm glad ta hear tha CMC branch is doin' well!"
    Babs Seed: "Yeah, it's cool. I'll have to tell you next time about our class visit to the gates of Tartarus, and how we noticed a weakening seal and notified the guards just in time..."


    Applejack: "Dear God-Queen Celestia, today Ah have learned that, when it comes ta makin' good memories, what ye're doin' may very well be way less important than who ye're doin' it with."
    Twilight: *looks over letter*
    Twilight: "Er, Spike, you don't need to retranscribe her accent."
    Applejack: "What accent?"
     
  • Threadmarks
    • Spike at your Service
  • Threadmarks
    • Dracoteen: "Ponies are dangerous... Their archmages can turn you into soap bubbles..."
    Dracoteen: *runs lap around caldera*
    Dracoteen: "Ponies are dangerous... Their weapons can stab your brain through your eye..."
    Dracoteen: *runs another lap*
    Dracoteen: "Ponies are dangerous... Their Rainbow Deahtray can imprison you at the center of the planet..."
    Dracoteen: *runs another lap*
    Dracoteen: "Ponies are dangerous... Their God-Queen can kamehameha your face off..."
    Dracoteen: *runs another lap*
    Dracoteen: "...Dad, can I finally stop doing this?! It's been months!"
    Smaug: "You can stop when you realize how lucky you are to still be alive, DUMBASS!"



    SPIKE AT YOUR SERVICE



    Spike: "Twelve books?! She wants to you to read twelve books in one week-end?! Twilight, did you... piss her off, or something?"
    Twilight: "Hey, what can I say? Her Momjesty has really been stepping up my studies since we nuked Sombra!"
    Spike: "...You know, when you said you were progressing to the next level of your training, I kinda thought, you know, deeper stuff about friendship and love, not a whole bunch of new books and spells."
    Twilight: "Hey, I'm not complaining!"
    Twilight: "Anyway, this is going to be keeping me preeeetty busy, so, take yourself some time off."
    Spike: "Wait, I'm getting time off? Holy Bahamut, this is the aponycalyse!"
    Twilight: "Which one?"
    Spike: "#89, by my count."


    Spike: "Let's see... A whole day off? What do I do?"
    Spike: "I could pull out the ol' Whiplash, try to build a giant deathray, and... Nah, Pinkie's borrowing my moustache."
    Spike: "I could try my luck as a bounty hunter! Supposedly all the loan sharks are looking for this blue-coated unicorn mare who's been on the run for weeks... Eh, what are the odds she'll be anywhere near Ponyville?"
    Spike: "I could..."
    Scootaloo: "Don't make a chicken joke."
    Spike: "What?"
    Scootaloo: "I saw that expression on the where-I-watcher's face. Don't. Make. A chicken joke."
    Spike: "I-"
    Scootaloo: "Seriously. Make a chicken joke and I'll bucking end you."
    Spike: "I could... go on a hot air balloon trip?"
    Scootaloo: "Smart move, library boy."

    Spike: "A balloon ride. What could possibly go wrong?"
    Gravity: "Oh my. Looks like someone didn't tie a certain rope properly. Would be a real shame if my main rival in classic villainy, Spikely Whiplash, were to lose his ride."
    Spike, Dragon of Action: "Oh crap oh crap oh crap!" *chase scene!*
    Spike, Dragon of Action: *catches balloon!*
    Spike, Dragon of Action: *lands balloon!*
    Spike, Dope of Doom: *...in the Everfree Forest!*


    Spike: "OK, spike, calm down. You can't be all that deep into the Hellmouth. I think I can hear Ponyville in this direction. I should be able to make it back in one piece. I mean, surely this place isn't so dangerous than just five minutes in here could kill me, right?"
    Spike: "..."
    Spike: "I hope Twilight writes me a nice epitaph."
    Spike: "...Ew, what's with that smell? It's like meat that was ground up, then left to rot inside a wooden box because whatever chewed it up didn't have its own digestive juices!"
    Timberwolves: *have no digestive juices*
    Spike: "I... don't suppose any of you gentlemen are dry enough to catch fire easily? No?"
    Suddenly Applejack!: "TASTE ROCK, FATHERMUCKERS!"
    Applejack, Mare of Action: "PONY PWNAGE, YOU PUNY PRICKS!"

    Meanwhile, somewhere else:
    Deathwing: "Don't you think Smaug is overdoing it? It was just three little ponies after all."
    Orochi: "Dude, you haven't seen those things in a fight. They're monsters."

    Spike: "That was the most awesome thing ever. I think I cried a little."
    Applejack: "Oh, ya mean ya weren't cryin' outta sheer terror?"
    Spike: "..."
    Spike: "...Nope, totally tears of joy at the awesome!"
    Spike: "Soooo... Thanks for saving my life?"
    Applejack: "Shucks, Spike, think nuthin' o'it. If Ah made a big deal outta every time Ah saved someone's life..."


    Applejack: "Ponyville sweet Ponyville. Dontcha love a place where that D&D Monster Manual ain't roamin' free?"
    Spike: "You can say that again. So... Anything I can help you out with?"
    Applejack: "Eh, Ah'm good."
    Spike: "No, seriously. I insist."
    Applejack: "Well... Ah'm havin' Applebloom wash tha pig matriarch. Think ya can help out?"
    Spike: "Sure, but... why wash a pig?"
    Applejack: "Ah have mah reasons."
    Applejack's imaginary self: "Like keepin' mah sister busy while that shipment o'glycerine fer tha fertilizer arrives. Ah ain't wantin' her ta be gettin' funny ideas."
    Spike: "By your command!"


    A few comical mishaps later:
    Spike: "There you go!"
    Applebloom: "Clean as tha conscience o'tha God-Queen's lawyer!"
    Applejack: "Good work, youngsters."
    Applebloom: "Well, off Ah go! Tha Cutie Mark Crusaders wanna get our chemistry cutie marks, an' we got a whole bunch o'nitric acid ta experiment with! We're gonna try mixin' it with... Ah dunno, water?"
    Applejack: "Knock yerselves out, kiddos."
    Spike: "Awesome. So, what next?"
    Applejack: "Er... Ya get back ta tha library, Ah help Granny smith make some pies?"

    Spike: "Bake this pie, bake this pie, 1,2, 3, floor! Together we can bake this pie, 1, 2, 3, floor!"
    Floor: *is proto-pie*
    Granny Smith: "Blisterin' barnacles, Ah thought he was supposed ta be competent!"
    Applejack: "If he usually helps at tha library, Ah got a newfound appreciation fer Twilight."
    Applejack: "Spike? Ah appreciate all tha hard work ye've been doin', even if most o'it is three steps forward, two steps back. But Ah think ye've done enough."
    Spike: "Are you kidding? You saved my life! According to the draconic code of honor, it is my duty to serve you. FOREVER!"
    Applejack: "Draconic code of honor?! What draconic code of honor?! We've met dragons! They're a buncha no-good ruffians!"
    Spike: "All the more reason for me to take the honor code seriously!"
    Granny Smith: "Ah, look, youngin, it's always great ta see anyone in yer generation takin' values seriously, but, arentcha already at tha service o'Miss Sparkle?"
    Spike: "Good point."
    Granny Smith: "Ah'm glad ya done seen reaso-"
    Spike: "So first I need to give Twilight my resignation."
    Applejack: "Pony what."
    Granny Smith: "..."
    Granny Smith: "Ah'm surrounded by idiots."


    Granny Smith: "Ya know, Ah'm pretty sure that whole dragon code thing is hooey."
    Applejack: "Well, Spike seems ta take it seriously at least. But Ah'm sure Twilight can talk some sense inta tha little fella."
    Spike: "Good news! Twilight has taken the whole thing very maturely, has given me her blessings in my service to you, and told me she was proud of me for taking my honor code so seriously!"
    Applejack: "Wait, what?"
    Spike: "Well, either that, or she was mumbling without noticing what I was saying. The two are hard to tell apart."
    Spike: "So, rejoice! We are now pony and servant, 'till death do us part!"
    Granny Smith: "Just ta be perfectly clear, Applejack: Ah still want gran'-gran'-kids, an' this doesn't count."


    Applejack: "Look, Spike, Ah assure ya Ah have nuthin' but respect fer yer stupid no-good honor code, but Ah canna have ya workin' like a slave fer me. First o'all, slavery is against mah Southern honor. Second, Equestria's child labor laws may be lax, but there's still only so far ya can stretch 'em."
    Spike: "But Applejack! I have to do this! Have you seen how dragons usually are? I need my honor code to still be a noble dragon, as opposed to a dick of a dragon!"
    Applejack: "Ah think ye're exaggeratin' a tad..."
    Spike: "And if I'm no longer a noble dragon, I'll have to drown my sorrows and self-loathing in material possessions, growing huge and feral until I devastate Ponyville!"
    Applejack: "Uh..."
    Spike: "Help me Applejack! Unless you let me serve you, my honor and the city are both lost!"
    Applejack: "...So, in order fer ya ta be honorable, ya need ta keep inconveniencin' me."
    Spike: "Exactly! It's the noble thing to do."
    Applejack: "Fer a certain value o' 'noble'. Tha one that tends ta lead ta revolutions."
    Applejack: "How... about... Ah know! Ah order ya to-"
    Spike: "...To do something other than serving Twilight as her assistant. No loopholes."
    Applejack: "Shoot. Take yer pie ta Rarity, then?"
    Spike: "By your command!"


    Spike: "Voilà! The finest carbon pie for the finest lady!"
    Rarity: "...Have you been taking cooking lessons from my relatives?"
    Spike: "No, why?"
    Rarity: "No reason, I was just wondering about OH LOOK A DISTRACTION!"
    Spike: "Huh?"
    Rarity: *puts pie in trash bin*
    Trash Bin: "It has been... an honor..." *dies*
    Spike: "...I'm not seeing any distraction."
    Rarity: "Huh. Well, I could have sworn. Um, can you please check the other room to see if I'm there, sweetie?"
    Spike: "With pleasure, my lady!" /exeunt
    Rarity: "OK, Applejack. WTB?"
    Applejack: "Ah saved his life, an' apparently that's Dragon for 'he has ta serve me forever' or somethin'."
    Rarity: "Ooooh! If I had somepony in eternal debt toward me, I'd have them fetch things for me, and hold my needles for me, and give up their most prized possessions for me, and fight evil mummies for me..."
    Applejack: "Ya already have Spike doin' all o'that."
    Rarity: "True."
    Applejack: "An' anyway, it feels wrong havin' someone doin' stuff fer me because they feel they owe me."
    Rarity: "So those assistants at the farm..."
    Applejack: "Yeah, Ah had ta insist that they leave. It just didn't feel right, how they kept doin' important work fer mah farm, just 'cause Ah'd paid 'em a salary or whatever."
    Rarity: "Suddenly, the source of Sweet Apple Acre's problems becomes crystal clear."
    Applejack: "Besides, Spike's help has been, ah, less than helpful. Li'll fella seems ta be hopelessly incompetent."
    Rarity: "Spike? Incompetent? That hardly sounds like-"
    Spike: "OH CELESTIA HOW DID I GET THAT SOAP BAR STUCK IN MY THROAT AND HOW COME I CAN STILL TALK LIKE THIS?!"
    Rarity: "...I suppose we all have our off days."
    Rainbow Dash: "HAI GUYS! How's it going?"
    Rarity: "Applejack has saved Spike's life and now he has to serve her forever."
    Rainbow Dash: "Cool! If I had somepony in a wookie life-debt toward me, I'd have them throw my junk in the trash for me, and manage my fanclub for me, and time my stunts for me, and write my Daring-Do fanfics for me..."
    Rarity: "You already have Scootaloo doing all of that."
    Rainbow Dash: "True."
    Applejack: "But, more pragmatically - anypony knows how Ah can get 'im ta drop this stupid debt thing?"
    Rainbow Dash: "Sure. Just ask him to do stuff that'll drive him away. He'll give up, suffer whatever psychological trauma failing to live up to his own code entails, and be out of your mane!"
    Applejack: "...Rarity, what are tha odds of this bein' more than just Rainbow projectin'?"
    Rarity: "Slightly above zero percent, dear."
    Applejack: "Ah'll take what Ah can get."
    Rainbow Dash: "Awesome! Hey, Spike..."
    Spike: *brings back pipe from water distribution system*
    Spike: "I'm... reasonably confident this part wasn't actually important. Hopefully."
    Spike: "Anyway, Rarity, I checked the other room thoroughly. You are not there."
    Rainbow Dash: "...Right. Say... You wanna help Applejack?"
    Spike: "Are reptiles awesome?"
    Rainbow Dash: "Good. 'Cause, Applejack was supposed to make this tower made of hay for me to smash through in one of my stunts. Buuuut, since I feel it's time for some shonen-style powerup and training from hell, I want to up the ante a bit. So, how 'bout you go and build me a tower made of rocks?"


    Rainbow Dash: "Oh sweet Celestia he built a tower made of rocks!"
    Fluttershy: "Why didn't you just say you had nothing for him to do?"
    Applejack: "Lyin' just doesn't come naturally ta me, OK?"
    Spike: "There you go, Rainbow Dash! A tower of rocks for your training from hell! Knock yourself out!"
    Rainbow Dash: "O-o-ominous choice of words!"
    Rainbow Dash: *knocks down rock tower... and herself, out*
    Spike: "So, how did it go? Did you get a powerup?"
    Rainbow Dash: "Oh yeah. I think I have unlocked a new form."
    Spike: "Really? Which one?"
    Rainbow Dash: "Liquid."
    Applejack: "Hoo-kay. Ah think ye've done enough, Spike. Ah might have ta take a page from Fluttershy on this, but, Ah don't need anything else from ya. Good job. Now go home and be a library man. Dragon. Whatever."
    Spike: "Wait, what? Just tell me what else you need!"
    Applejack: "Nuthin'! Ah ain't needin' nuthin'! Ye've done finished givin' me all tha help Ah'll evah need!"
    Spike: "Applejack, stop being so selfish! What about my needs?! What about my code of honor?! If you don't let me help you, I will feel like crap and it'll all be your fault!"


    Applejack: "...and then we had ta ask him ta calculate tha exact value o'pi just ta keep him occupied! TWILIGHT! Ah've had all Ah can take, an' Ah can't take no more! He's your brother (or son, Ah can nevah tell), you figure it out!"
    Twilight: "Oh dear. The draconic honor code, huh?"
    Applejack: "Yeah! Where did that come from, anyway?!"
    Twilight: "Well... remember how Spike met some dragons a while back?"
    Applejack: "Ah heard tha horror stories. Buckin' teenagers."
    Twilight: "Yeah. Well, between that and the adult dragon who tried to kill him, let's just say Spike hasn't had a very, ah, positive impression of his own kind. So he decided that, if dragons were intrinsically bad, he'd find a systematic way to be good. So he spent some time coming up with a very strict honor code. I figured, hey, kids' games - no worse than the time I came up with an elaborate constitution for Twilightopia, right? - but he ended up taking it pretty seriously."
    Applejack: "Twilightopia?"
    Twilight: "I was the God-Queen, but most of the legislative power was held by Chancellor Smarty-Pants and the stuffed toy senators. My telescope was the Science Minister. I had this big, elaborate legal code - in fact, I don't entirely remember how Smarty-Pants ended up leading a successful legal coup against me. That was weird."
    Applejack: "Question answered! Question answered! Focus back on tha present!"
    Twilight: "Right, right. Well, we could sit down with Spike, have a long talk, explain how morality cannot be condensed into a small set of rules that can be followed in any and every situation... Or we could come up with a wacky scheme with low probabilities of success."
    Applejack: "Well, tha choice is obvious."
    Twilight: "Wacky scheme it is!"
    Applejack: "...What. WHY?!"
    Twilight: "Three reasons!"
    Twilight: "Reason number one: If the wacky scheme fails, we can still try to talk. If we try to talk first, he'll see the wacky scheme coming!"
    Twilight: "Reason number two: Her Momjesty is stepping up my training, and I don't think I should be doing things the easy way if I can avoid it. Challenges are what builds skill!"
    Twilight: "Third reason: I've just read nine and a half door-stoppers in a row, and I need something different to occupy my brain, or else it's going to start oozing out of my ears!"
    Applejack: "...Wacky scheme it is."


    Applejack: "All right, Elemental Harmony Squad, listen up!"
    Maggots: *leave*
    Applejack: "Pony what."
    Twilight: "Running gag. Ignore them."
    Applejack: "OK. As Ah was sayin'...Tha problem here is that Spike feels bound by his debt ta me fer savin' his life. So we need him ta feel his debt is fulfilled, and fer that, he needs ta save mah life. And since mah health insurance doesn't cover acts o'stupidity, we'll have ta fake an actual threat ta mah life."
    Pinkie Pie: "Ooh ooh ooh! I can play Pinkly Pielash, the Cannon Assassin who tries to cannon assassinate you!"
    Applejack: "Mah common sense may say no... but mah remainin' sanity also says no."
    Pinkie Pie: "Someday."
    Applejack: "No, we'll make this nice an' symmetric. A fake timberwolf, me gettin' mah hoof stuck in a rock... Tha right special effects..."
    Fluttershy: "Um, can we really make a convincing timberwolf?"
    Rarity: "Oh, Fluttershy, don't worry. It won't be hard - they're already wooden."


    Spike: "Hey Applejack! I'm done calculating the last value of pi for you!"
    Twilight, hiding inside Everfree Hellmouth: "...I'm gonna be checking your notes when this is over, Spike."
    Spike: "So, anyway, what next?"
    Rainbow Dash, in hiding: "ROARRRRRR!"
    Fluttershy: "...I didn't even know pony vocal chords could make this sort of sound!"
    Rainbow Dash: "You learn a lot of fun facts about your throat when you enjoy quipping while flying at quasi-sonic speeds!"
    Fluttershy: *sound FX from Monty Python and the Holy Grail*
    Rarity, galloping out of the Everfree Hellmouth: "TIMBERWOLVES! OF ALL THE WORST THINGS THAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN, THIS IS THE WORST! POSSIBLE! THING!"
    Pinkie Pie, trotting out of the Everfree Hellmouth with a big smile: "WHEEEE! Abandon thread!"
    Spike: "Oh no! This is the exact way I'd expect Pinkie Pie to act in the face of mortal danger! WE'RE DOOMED!"
    Twilight, hiding: *puppeteers fake timber wolf*
    Real timberwolves, inside Hellmouth: "Did you hear that? The rallying cry of a packmate who's found prey!"
    Applejack, silly pony: "Whoops. Got mah hoof stuck in these rocks. Ah canna move. Ever. Ah have no choice but ta stay here an' be devoured alive."
    Spike: "..."
    Spike: "Ohhhhhhkay. Veeery convincing sound effects. Halfway-decent puppetry. But you failed to replicate the highly distinctive smell of the timberwolf's breath."
    Applejack: "...What's that smell like?"
    Spike: "Well, this smell in the air right now? Of rotten meat with a slight hint of botulinum? It's kinda... like... that..."
    Spike: "Oh, Tiamat takes it."
    Timberwolves: "We would like to make a formal declaration of GROAR!"
    Twilight: "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Er, Twilight?"
    Twilight: "Yes Rainbow Dash?"
    Rainbow Dash: "Why are we running? Didn't Applejack take three of those losers out? We can steamroll those woodland punks!"
    Twilight: "Two reasons!"
    Twilight: "First, because timberwolves use their howls to communicate over long distances, and if those three are here, there might be dozens more nearby!"
    Twilight: "Second, because timberwolves' breath contains a neurotoxin that messes with the brain's motor centers, and throws your coordination out of whack for days!"
    Rainbow Dash: "That... explains a lot, actually. Thanks for the helpful explanation, Twilight!"
    Twilight: "Always happy to answer good questions, Rainbow Dash!"
    Twilight: "...Wait, wait. Headcount..."

    Meanwhile, back at the timberwolves:
    Timberwolves: "We shall rend your flesh, little lizard!"
    Spike: "WHY MUST I BE CURSED WITH SHORT LEGS?!"
    Applejack: "Yo, timberwolves! FROM EQUESTRIA WITH LOVE!" *throws a rock at them! ...It was a big rock*
    Spike: "Wow! You saved my life again! You're really good at this!"
    Applejack: "Spike, it's just a bunch o'wood elementals. There are worse baddies in Equestria!"
    Gravity: "Yes. Me." *slams Applejack against the ground*
    Applejack: "Ouch."
    Gravity: "Your ouches have just begun, my friend." *traps Applejack's hoof between two rocks*
    Applejack: "Oh ha-ha, very funny. Spike, gimme a claw here an' help me with-"
    Timberwolves, broken to pieces: "ARIIIISE!"
    Spike: "Um, wow. I'd better give Twilight a few notes about this later."
    Timberwolves, forming gestalt: "Nothing can withstand the might of - DEVASTATOR!"
    Applejack: "Oh you gotta be kiddin' me."

    Meanwhile, in Canterlot:
    God-Queen Luna: "Sister, I must ask... What of the attempts to reduce the irony level through our fair land? Have they succeeded?"
    God-Queen Celestia: "Not yet."

    Timberdevastator: "Face my botanical wrath, minuscule animal lifeforms!"
    Applejack: "Spike, drop this stupid honor code and run away, or so help me Celestia, Ah'm buckin' ya all tha way back ta Ponyville!"
    Spike: "No! I have to save you!" *throws pebble at timberdevastator*
    Applejack: "Spike, what the buck do you think that's going to accomplish?!"
    Pebble: *hits thermal exhaust port*
    Timberdevastator: "Urk!"
    Spike: "Not sure, but I'll take what I can get!"
    Pebble: *goes directly to the reactor system*
    Timberdevastator: "ARCK!"
    Spike: "Help me Archimedes, you're my only hope!" *uses lever to free Applejack*
    Applejack: "Great shot, kid! That was one in a million!"
    Pebble: *sets off a chain reaction*
    Spike and Applejack: *run like crazy!*
    Timberdevastator: "I... still function..."
    Timberdevastator: *ceases to function*

    Meanwhile, somewhere else:
    Herakles: "...so I asked her how I could repay the favor, and she said she'd love to borrow the three-headed dog for a few thousand years. Something about building a new Tartarus. Uh, something's wrong?"
    Goliath: "I... I dunno, man. I just felt a disturbance in the myth. As if someone, somewhere, just made me look good in comparison. I hope that something terrible has happened, to someone else."


    Twilight: "There you are! What happened? We thought you were right behind us!"
    Applejack: "Ah got mah foot stuck between rocks an' Spike saved me!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Huh? Ohhhh. Yeah, I get it. You got 'stuck' and Spike 'saved' you. Wink wink nudge nudge, pal! Wink wink nudge nudge!"
    Applejack: "No, actually, that really happened."
    Rainbow Dash: "Pony what? Who writes this... Never mind. Hey, cool! That means Spike no longer owes you!"
    Applejack: "Well, actually, given Ah wouldn't have been in danger in tha first place if Ah hadn't been tryin' ta waive his debt off..."
    Spike: "As a matter of fact, she saved me for the second time this week just before I saved her from the timberdevastator, so, if anything, I'm actually even deeper in her debt than bef-"
    Applejack: "Hahaha no. We're not goin' there."
    Applejack: "Spike, Ah appreciate that ya want ta be a good person. But there are no shortcuts ta that. Ya canna relegate tha hard thinkin' ta some simple written code. Ya gotta consider situations an' ask yerself what tha right thing ta do is everytime. An' if yer code tells ya ta do somethin' fer someone, even when they don't want or need it, and ya keep doin' it because ya want ta live up ta yer code... then ye're not doin' it fer them. Ye're doin' it fer yerself."
    Spike: "There is... logic... in what you say."
    Applejack: "As it happens, Ah have a moral code too. Ya know what it says? It says friends help each other, an' sometimes, that might include savin' each other's life. No debt, no nuthin', just helpin' each other 'cause we wanna live in a world where ponies help each other. How 'bout we try that?"
    Spike: "Will that avert further attempts at faking lethal danger?"
    Applejack: "It might!"
    Spike: "Then sure, let's go for that."


    Twilight: "One... more... book... and then I can write down those notes on timberwolf gestalts and why timberwolves almost never use them..."
    Spike: "Here. Thought you might need some light."
    Twilight: "And you didn't break the lamp in the process! Score one for neurotoxin antidotes! Good to have you back, number one assistant!"
    Spike: "Good to be back, Twilight!"
     
  • Threadmarks
    • sun tzu said:
    Perhaps...
    ...but I am fairly certain than, when that happens, it's the result of writers not fully thinking things through, not intending to give a perverted message. Like... neither Faust nor Polsky intended "Feeling Pinkie Keen" to have a "don't be a scientist trying to understand the world" message, it was an accident - incompetence rather than malice.
    I can forgive that and move on much easier than when the author clearly either intends the bad message, or knows and simply doesn't care. Looking at you, Ayn Rand/Left Behind/Rising of the Shield Hero/Sword of Truth/Terraformers/Gone with the Wind/God Isn't Dead/Holy Terror/add your own
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    Yeah, but it's still there and still irks the heck outta me.

    sun tzu said:
    APPLE FAMILY REUNION
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    A good episode. I just wish they would've said outright their parents were dead. I guess growing up with Mister Rogers and the goldfish episode and Sesame Street and Mister Hooper affected me more than I realized. ;)

    sun tzu said:
    SPIKE AT YOUR SERVICE
    Click to expand...
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    Ugh, this one up to a point was really great. But that whole dragon code asspull-and it's an asspull-and making Spike completely inept pissed me off.
     
    Figured I'd wait until tomorrow with the next episode... It's, ah, controversial.
    By which I mean, it's the episode in which Discord went from "the sadistic god-monster we beat once" to "semi-regular cast member who's nominally on our side but is still a jackass". Opinions on the matter are divided, some people feel very strongly about it (no, not just RK_Striker; one of my very best friends who's been burned pretty badly by an environment of "you're expected to forgive your abusers because they're members in good standing" outright considers it the show's worst episode).
    Me? I have my own opinions, but the thing is, I want this thread to be fun, not dredge up unpleasant emotions for my readers...
     
    sun tzu said:
    Figured I'd wait until tomorrow with the next episode... It's, ah, controversial.
    By which I mean, it's the episode in which Discord went from "the sadistic god-monster we beat once" to "semi-regular cast member who's nominally on our side but is still a jackass". Opinions on the matter are divided, some people feel very strongly about it (no, not just RK_Striker; one of my very best friends who's been burned pretty badly by an environment of "you're expected to forgive your abusers because they're members in good standing" outright considers it the show's worst episode).
    Me? I have my own opinions, but the thing is, I want this thread to be fun, not dredge up unpleasant emotions for my readers...
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    I wouldn't call it the 'worst' episode, but except one or two moments IMHO it's an unmitigated disaster that has mostly-negative consequences for the rest of the show's run. Sorry, sun tzu, but I have mostly the same view as your other friend.
     
    Keep Calm and Flutter On
  • Threadmarks
    • God-Queen Luna: "All right, let's see. The Ebon Dragon."
    God-Queen Celestia: "Came back for a rematch."
    God-Queen Luna: "King Sombra."
    God-Queen Celestia: "Came back and tried to take over the Crystal Empire."
    God-Queen Luna: "Nyarlathotep."
    God-Queen Celestia: "Almost unmade the atmosphere 456 years ago."
    God-Queen Luna: "Grogar."
    God-Queen Celestia: "Always making trouble."
    God-Queen Luna: "Tiamat."
    God-Queen Celestia: "Probably died at the Earth's core, but..."
    God-Queen Luna: "Lavan."
    God-Queen Celestia: "Still dead."
    God-Queen Luna: "The Spammer."
    God-Queen Celestia: "Manages to break free and return every few generations."
    God-Queen Luna: "Night Mare Moon... OK, yes, I see your point."
    God-Queen Celestia: "We can't just, keep burying those problems and hope we won't have to deal with them again later. Some baddies eventually die of old age, some can be contained for a good long while in Tartarus... but if we want Equestria to survive until the events of the year 78,152, then we must resolve our greatest problems in more permanent fashions."
    God-Queen Luna: "So... either destruction or reform?"
    God-Queen Celestia: "Preferably the later."



    KEEP CALM AND FLUTTER ON



    Pinkie Pie: "Wheeeee! God-Queen coming for a visit! And it's the best God-Queen!"
    God-Queen Luna, back in Canterlot: "Somepony is dreaming about a nationwide sugar shortage tonight."
    Pinkie Pie: "I'm excited are you excited I've never been so excited except that time Gummy was all *GASP* and I've gone and gotten my hooves shined do you like them?"
    Rarity: "Empress Rarity, Tyrant of the Underdark, cannot find fault in anything that properly reflects her glamorous magnificence."
    Twilight: "Girls, I don't think this is going to be a party or anything. Her Momjesty made it sound more like a mission. But why would she want to come in person for that, instead of just informing me by dracofax?"
    Spike: "Well... could be because the mission involves a cargo, which she has to bring here all the way from Canterlot?"
    Twilight: "Well, that could potentially explain-"
    Spike: "A heavy, rocky cargo, that needed its own extra chariot? A very, very dangerous cargo?"
    Twilight: "Uh, well, that-"
    Spike: "A cargo in the form of a total dick of a petrified Elder Evil? A Yozi from beyond space and time?"
    Twilight: "Look, if you're not going to take this conversation seriously, I-"
    God-Queen Celestia: "Greetings, my dears. I believe I do not need to introduce the petrified Ebon Dragon here."
    Twilight: "..."
    Twilight: "Your Momjesty, I have nothing but respect for you, but..."
    Twilight: "WHAT THE BUCK?! WHAT THE BUCKING BUCKITY BUCK?!"
    Twilight: "...OhmygoodnessIdidn'tmeantosnapI'msososososososorry."
    God-Queen Celestia, aside: *sob* "They grow up so fast!"
    God-Queen Celestia: "It's quite all right, Twilight. I understand that the last time the Ebon Dragon was here, he behaved like a total dick..."
    Rainbow Dash: "If by 'total dick' you mean he turned all of Ponyville into a hellish Wyld zone straight out of Salvadore Dali's nightmares!"
    Twilight: "And gave me nasty, judgment-impairing PTSD!"
    Rarity: "And brainwashed us all into awful ponies!"
    Pinkie Pie: "And made it rain chocolate, the jerk!"
    Twilight: "...Didn't you like the chocolate?"
    Pinkie Pie: "Well, now I retroactively hated it!"
    God-Queen Celestia: "I know all too well what you mean. I've had to put up with the Ebon Dragon even longer (apparently, I reminded him of the Unconquered Sun. Long story). I know he's a dick."
    God-Queen Celestia: "But as it happens, he's a dick who can conquer the laws of thermodynamics, and I cannot allow this world to fall to entropy and heat death. Plus, his powers could help with a dozen contingency plans I've been wanting to set up. And so, I've decided that it was best to redeem that monstrous fiend."
    Spike: "YOUR IDEA IS BAD, AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD! This is an awful, terrible plan! It has 'evitable disaster' written all over it! It's going to destroy us all! It's the worst plan since 'Cutie Mark Crusaders brain surgeons'!"
    God-Queen Celestia: "Your survival instinct is commendable, Spike, but don't worry, we will be working within safety conditions. The Elemental Harmony Squad will be carrying the Rainbow Deathray on themselves at all time, ready to put their hoof down if he looks funny at the laws of physics. And just to be on the safe side, I've cast a spell on the Elements of Harmony so he can't take them away this time."
    Twilight: "Ah... No offence, your Momjesty... but didn't he get past your vault's defences easily enough last time?"
    God-Queen Celestia: "Just between us, Twilight? I... also took certain measures to depower him. It will be a while before he returns to even half his full strength."
    Twilight: "Wait, depower him? How did you do that?"
    God-Queen Celestia: "I did what I had to. I don't want to talk about it."
    God-Queen Celestia: "Pray tell, where is Fluttershy? I imagine she will be key to reforming this vile villain."
    Rainbow Dash: "...You want the most easily manipulated pony in Equestria to act as parole officer for one of its most manipulative villains?"
    God-Queen Celestia: "It makes sense in context."

    Some beaver-related diplomacy later:
    Fluttershy: "...You're counting on me to pull the Ebon Dragon back to our side of the Moral Event Horizon?"
    God-Queen Celestia: "That is the short of it, yes."
    Fluttershy: "Your highness, I... I'm not quite sure..."
    God-Queen Celestia: *holds Fluttershy's chin up*
    God-Queen Celestia: "I'm sure. You clearly have just what it takes, my dear."
    Fluttershy's inner monologue: "Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts..."
    God-Queen Celestia: "All right. Well, good luck to you girls, but I must go - my planet needs me!"

    Twilight: "All right. Eveypony here back from telling our families we love them?"
    Applejack: "Seems so."
    Twilight: "Then let's... sigh... do this."
    Elemental Harmony Squad: *releases the Ebon Dragon*
    Ebon Dragon: "Killpigeonskillpigeonskillpigeonskillpigeonskillpigeons... oh, you're finally done. About freaking time."
    Ebon Dragon: "OK, let's see... what happens when we magically improve local critters with steroids and rabies..."
    Pinkie Pie: "...This isn't an improvement at all!"
    Ebon Dragon: "On one hand, mmmmaybe... but on the other hand, you're so dumb you're trying to reform the incarnation of treachery and discord, and relying on the yellow moeblob to accomplish that. So, clearly, your opinion doesn't count for much."
    Twilight: "You seem surprisingly well-informed for a guy who was petrified until a minute ago."
    Ebon Dragon: "What do you think that rainbow deathray of yours is, a basilisk's stare? I was conscious the whole time."
    Twilight: "...Huh. That sounds... deservedly unpleasant."
    Ebon Dragon: "No, that's just the inconvenient part."
    Ebon Dragon: "The unpleasant part was the choice of location! Celestia figured that, since I fed on discord and disharmony, the best place to keep me in was G3 Ponyville! Do you have the faintest idea what I've had to put up with this past year?!"
    Twilight: "Wow. No wonder she didn't want to talk about it."
    Ebon Dragon: "But, now I'm free as the wind, and ready to-"
    Fluttershy: "Change these animals back this instant, you big, dumb MEANIE!"
    Fluttershy: *STARES!
    Ebon Dragon: *pokes*
    Fluttershy: "My eyes! My submission-inducing eyes!"
    Ebon Dragon: "Yeah, seriously. I've been around for ages. You thought I was going to be impressed by this sort of parlor tricks?"
    Twilight: "Do you consider the Elements of Harmony a parlor trick? Because unless you fix this mess hic et nunc, you're going back to G3, and I don't care if the Corruption kills you."
    Ebon Dragon: "Ha! You don't have the balls. To zap me would mean disappointing your pwetty pwetty pwincess!"
    Twilight: "I've disobeyed her orders for the greater good on a fairly recent occasion."
    Applejack: "Yup."
    Fluttershy: "She did."
    Spike: "I was there."
    Ebon Dragon: "Oh crap."
    Ebon Dragon: "OK, fine. Freaking buzzkills."
    Ebon Dragon: *fixes creatures in range... and programs distant beavers*
    Ebon Dragon: "Well! Since we're apparently playing this game, I suppose I will be bunking with Fluttershy."
    Fluttershy: "..."
    Fluttershy: "Hug My Life."


    God-Queen Luna: "Sister, I... have some reservations about this plan of yours."
    God-Queen Celestia: "I'd be concerned about your sanity if you did not."
    God-Queen Luna: "I mean... I know that between Doctor Whooves, Miss Pluto, and Mimic, you have many ways of looking at the future..."
    God-Queen Celestia: "...but even if I think I already knows how it ends, this is a titan of chaos we're dealing with?"
    God-Queen Luna: "Yes. That."
    God-Queen Celestia: "Very true. But, consider: How did he escape the last time?"
    God-Queen Luna: "The Elements' attunement to you was broken."
    God-Queen Celestia: "Right. And today, they are attuned...?"
    God-Queen Luna: "...to mortals who will most likely not survive more than another century. Point conceded, but even then..."
    God-Queen Celestia: "Surviving for many decades is the good outcome. These ponies lead dangerous lives. Tambelon's bells, sister, they were attacked by timberwolves only last week! I want most of them to get a happy ending and die of ripe old age surrounded by grandfoals, but I have to account for the fact that they can die any day!"
    God-Queen Luna: "In that case, what we ought to be doing is find ways to permanently dispose of him. Could not Neo-Queen Serenity do it?"
    God-Queen Celestia: "Putting aside the ethical considerations... I'll remind you that Lucifer has been trying to get his hands on the Ebon Dragon for a while. If he were to actually die, he'd probably just get drafted for Lucifer's next scheme - and you know he'd find a way for him to mess things up from beyond the grave."
    God-Queen Celestia: "And that's the optimistic view. More likely, he'll turn into a Neverborn. Beings this... cosmic... tend not to mesh well with death."
    God-Queen Celestia: "Last but not least... Remember, it is vital to have backup plans. Given all the elder evils threatening our world, having someone this powerful as even an occasional, reluctant ally would make for a very significant trump card."
    God-Queen Luna: "All right, all right. But sister... None of this changes the following simple fact: You are trying to redeem the Ebon Dragon."
    God-Queen Luna: "Do you remember what he did to poor Scarlet? She needed centuries of therapy... and that wasn't one of his worst deeds! He is a being made of pure evil. He couldn't change if he wanted to. The entire exercise is futile."
    God-Queen Celestia: "Agreed. The Ebon Dragon cannot change."
    God-Queen Luna: "Goddess what."
    God-Queen Celestia: "But, Luna, that's the thing: We are not dealing with the Ebon Dragon here."
    God-Queen Luna: "...We are not?"
    God-Queen Celestia: "Noooo, we are dealing with the being that the Ebon Dragon became after eating the Wyld. By becoming an entity of chaos, he has inevitably become capable of change."
    God-Queen Luna: "...He's done nothing but torment every living creature he could his claws on!"
    God-Queen Celestia: "Precisely. He has no other frame of reference."
    God-Queen Luna: "So... your point is that, as a chaotic being, he has become able to adapt, and exposing him to positive stimuli could result in him discovering different ways of doing things."
    God-Queen Celestia: "That's the short of it."
    God-Queen Luna: "..."
    God-Queen Luna: "...Very well. But if that is all the same to you, I will be checking in regularly on Mister Prime."
    God-Queen Celestia: "By all means, do! Make sure Optimus has the Matrix of Leadership handy, and can perform orbital re-entry at any time. Always have a backup plan or five."


    Fluttershy: "So, uh, make yourself at home, Mister Ebon Dragon."
    Ebon Dragon: "I believe I will. Su casa es mi casa."
    Fluttershy: "Um, anything I can do to make your stay more comfortable?"
    Ebon Dragon: "You are a fine host. A pity your... 'friends'... are not so welcoming."
    Rainbow Dash: "Obvious manipulation is obvious."
    Ebon Dragon: "Say, you don't mind if I engage in some redecoration, do you?"
    Fluttershy: "Um..."
    Ebon Dragon: "Great! Let's see... should the moving painting show the suffering of the tormented souls in Hell, or the ultimate fate of the flutter ponies?"
    Applejack: "This is a trainwreck. Except that Ah am gonna be lookin' away."
    Twilight: "Fluttershy... Are you sure we can leave you with him?"
    Fluttershy: "It's OK Twilight. Sure, this is going to be the worst week of my entire life, but... well, I think I actually have a plan for once."
    Twilight: "I love plans! I'm all about plans! I'm already excited about this plan!"
    Fluttershy: "Well... God-Queen Celestia asked me to reform him. And there are only two exceptional things about me: The Stare, and being the Exalt of Kindness. We already know the Stare doesn't do a thing to him, so I figure kindness is the key..."
    Twilight: "Well, if the modelling scene is to be believed, you have a third exceptional thing in your natural grace and beauty, but I don't see how that could have any bearing on NEVER MIND FORGET WHAT I SAID PLEASE CONTINUE."
    Fluttershy: "I figure... if kindness is the key, then I need to be kind to him, and become his friend. Besides... Angel is very territorial and has trouble backing down, so I figure most of the Ebon Dragon's nastiness will be aimed at him rather than me. That should help."
    Twilight: "Good point."

    Rarity: "We're actually going to leave Fluttershy alone with that... wretched thing? When did we become so ruthless?"
    Rainbow Dash: "Yeah, well, I say we need a backup plan. The only way I can see us befriending this guy is in the Nanoha sense of the word."
    Rarity: "Agreed. We need something in case he gets clever."
    Twilight Sparkle, Pony of Plans: "On it!"


    Fluttershy: "So, um, Ebon Dragon, I... Wait, what are you doing?"
    Ebon Dragon: "Eating a word salad?"
    Fluttershy: "...Right. Anyway, I need to head out for a little bit, so make yourself at home."
    Fluttershy: *spent a whole Scene building an Intimacy*
    Exalted jokes and references: *abound in this episode rewrite*
    Fluttershy: *exeunt*
    Ebon Dragon: "Hmph. Sure, leave me alone here."
    Angel, who can't talk: "You are one [CENSORED]ing [CENSORED] piece of [CENSORED] [CENSORED], you fucking [CENSORED]-shit."
    Ebon Dragon: "Oh, Angel, Angel, Angel. You are about to be petted, hugged, and called George."


    Twilight: "I don't get it! Where are those spells?!"
    Spike: "What sorts of spells are you-"
    Twilight: "The lobotomy spell, the tranquilizer spell, the forced empathic link spell, the 'feel the pain of your victims' spell, the 'army of shoulder angels' spell... Every invasive form of behavior-control known to ponykind."
    Spike: "Who the Hell invents a lobotomy spell?"
    Twilight: "Someone with a fondness for black crystals."
    Spike: "Ah. Say no more."
    Twilight: "I'm sure the tranquilizer spell was in this book, right after..."
    Twilight: "Wait. There's a page missing."
    Twilight: "SON OF A GLITCH!"

    God-Queen Luna: "...Couldn't you at least have stayed on the location to watch over him?"
    God-Queen Celestia: "Well, no. There's too much history between us. He'd have focused his attention on me and on our old scores. The plan requires him to be more freely exposed to Fluttershy's kindness."


    Ebon Dragon: "I know you said to make myself at home, but still, I..." *snicker* "...hope that this isn't imposing."
    Fluttershy's cottage: *is now a theme park attraction*
    Fluttershy: "It's... It's quite all right. I suppose everyone needs a little something, right?"
    Ebon Dragon: "I guess it reminds me of home, back in Malfeas."
    Ebon Dragon: "I HATED BEING TRAPPED IN MALFEAS!"
    Ebon Dragon: "...But still, there's something nostalgic about it."
    Fluttershy: "It must be awful, spending so much time imprisoned. And not even imprisoned in a tree, either."
    Ebon Dragon: "You have no idea. But, I appreciate how understanding you are. Unlike those harsh, unforgiving 'friends' of yours."
    Fluttershy: "Eddie? You're welcome in my home, you're welcome to my food, but you are not welcome to badmouth my friends. Let's keep that perfectly clear, all right?"
    Ebon Dragon: "Crystal-clear, but you just say that because you're so nice. Really... I don't say this often, but I think Celestia was right in appointing you to this task. Why, seeing your 'kindness' is already making me rethink my eons-long dedication to evil and treachery!"
    Twilight: "FLUTTERSHY! YOUR HOUSEGUEST GOT SOME 'SPLAINING TO DO!"
    Fluttershy: "Eh-heh. Back in a moment."
    Fluttershy: "Yes Twilight?"
    Twilight: "We came to get you away from that dick before it was too late!"
    Fluttershy: "Oh, but everything is going Just As Planned, Twilight! I am worming myself into his psyche, establishing a rapport, and building bridges where he least expects them while keeping him under control!"
    Spike: "Yeah, some control. He's already taken away every scrap of paper from the library that could be used to hurt him! Up to and including the IRS forms and that fanfic!"
    Fluttershy: "Huh. So that's what the word salad was... about..."
    Twilight: "HE ATE THEM?!"
    Fluttershy: "Um..."
    Twilight: "BLASPHEMY."
    Fluttershy: "Twilight, please. I'm well on the way to reforming him. He admits it himself."
    Twilight: "He's the Pope of Lies!"
    Fluttershy: "Well, yes. That's my point. Everypony expects him to be treacherous. Unless at least one person chooses to trust him, he doesn't have any incentive to be trustworthy."
    Fluttershy: "Tell you what: Let's all have dinner with him, and you can see how much progress he's made with your own eyes!"


    Ebon Dragon: "Velcome to da Casa di Chaos, where we serve the best dinners this side of Yu-Shan!"
    Applejack: "Jeeze, what kinda crazy mish-mash accent did tha Where-I-Watcher give ya?"
    Fluttershy: "I'm so glad you've all come! The Ebon Dragon has prepared dinner painstakingly - well, if you call a finger-snap painstaking - so I really hope you enjoy it!"
    Ebon Dragon: "Feel free to leave any stressful things at the entrance! Worries about your job, concerns about the future, magical super-weapons..."
    Twilight: "This is going to be one of those days. I can just tell."
    Ebon Dragon: "As you may see, I have taken the liberty of automating the dinner service, à la Beauty and the Beast."
    Rainbow Dash: "Well, that's certainly not in the least creepy."
    Fluttershy: "Oh come on Dashie. Now you're just being difficult."
    Rainbow Dash: "Well I-" *gets hot gravy on her lap* "YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!"
    Ebon Dragon: "Is it really my fault I'm a bit... rusty? I wasn't exactly able to practice my magic while petrified."
    Ebon Dragon: "Anyway... What would a Beauty and the Beast tribute be without a candle musical dance number?" *animates candles* "Come on, somepony sing a Hannuka song!"
    Rainbow Dash: *blows candles*
    Rainbow Dash: "Yeah, OK, no. Rule number one: Don't let crazed supervillains play with fire!"
    Ebon Dragon: "Rule number two: Don't pick fights with candles."
    Rainbow Dash: "Huh?" *gets attacked by candles*
    Twilight: "Sorry, you can't convince me you were able to make them all sentient. There's something fishy going on here, and-" *gets attacked by the fish*
    Fluttershy: "Ebon Dragon..."
    Ebon Dragon: "Come on! This one you really can't blame me for! She gave me a straight line!"
    Applejack: "Ya may be an habitual liar, ya dick, but it don't mean we canna see through ya."
    Rainbow Dash: "Fluttershy, don't you get it?! He's trying to act all innocent so you won't hit him with the Rainbow Deathray!"
    Fluttershy: "I get that he's a dick, sure, but I also get that none of you are even trying to make this work! Give him a chance, for the love of Celestia!"
    Pinkie Pie: "Oh come on! He's like a stack of candy wrappers without any candy!"
    Rainbow Dash: "See?! Even Pinkie Pie is more cynical than you on this issue! PINKIE PIE! Why are you cutting him so much slack?!"
    Fluttershy: "Because if I didn't cut you a lot of slack - a LOT of slack - I wouldn't be friends with you, either. Any of you."
    Fluttershy: "Because if you didn't cut me a lot of slack, we wouldn't be friends, either."
    Fluttershy: "Because if God-Queen Celestia didn't cut her sister a lot of slack, I'd still be having the nightmares about the Unseelie dragons."
    Fluttershy: "Because cutting each other some slack is part of what friends do."
    Fluttershy: *hugs Ebon Dragon*
    Ebon Dragon: "!"
    Ebon Dragon: "Hold the phone. We're 'friends'?"
    Fluttershy: "I thought the part with the blood pact earlier made that clear."
    Ebon Dragon: "But, but, but... Friendship isn't real!"
    Twilight: "Citation needed, Mister Got-Shot-In-His-Ugly-Face-With-Friendship."
    Fluttershy: "Aw, you've really never had a friend? Well, at least you have one now!"
    Pinkie Pie: "This is crazy! You people are crazy! The whole world has gone all Loony Toons!"
    Angel, who cannot speak: "Problems! Emergency! Let me explain it all through interpretative dance!"
    Applejack: "Cthulhu... has come back from the dead...and apples are the key to killing him again?"
    Angel, who cannot speak: "I'm surrounded by idiots. No, stupid pony, Sweet Apple Acre is flooded!"


    Beaver, who cannot speak: "FLOOD IT, MY BRETHREN! LEAVE NO TREE UNSUBMERGED!"
    Applejack: "Holy Celestia, we've had beaver problems before, but never this bad!"
    Rainbow Dash: "You know, I'm pretty sure I can sonic rainbomb these dams out of existence in ten seconds flat."
    Applejack: "That ain't a long-term solution, an' anyway, tha beavers will be caught in tha blast."
    Rainbow Dash: "And that's a problem because...?"
    Applejack: "Ahem. Remember who helped us with Darth Trixie?"
    Rainbow Dash: "Shoot."
    Fluttershy: "I tried talking to them, but no luck. They just keep ranting about some sort of time cube. I couldn't really follow it."
    Rainbow Dash: "Can't you see the Ebon Dragon is behind this?!"
    Fluttershy: "OF COURSE I CAN SEE HE'S BEHIND THIS! What do you all think I am, a gullible moron?!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Well, yeah!"
    Applejack: "Um... Yes?"
    Pinkie Pie: "Sureky-dorky-lurky!"
    Rarity: "No offence intended."
    Twilight: "Well, based on past evidence..."
    Spike: "You often believe the things that come out of your mouth. Just saying."
    Fluttershy: "...I was hoping for a slightly different answer."
    Fluttershy: "I know he's a manipulative jerk. We've established that! What I've been trying to do is get him to stop being a manipulative jerk. That's why I've been trying to get closer to him, build an emotional bond, get him where he would actually listen to me!"
    Ebon Dragon: "Yo, Fluttershy, check it out! A large body of water that isn't acidic! Is this planet full of freaky stuff or what?"
    Fluttershy: "All right. Friendship has times for being understanding, and time for putting your hoof down. I've done the first part. Wish me luck with the second, everypony."
    Fluttershy: "Eddie... We kind of have a problem here. What with, you know, the flood devastating Applejack's livelihood and Ponyville's food supply."
    Ebon Dragon: "Tragic, ain't it?"
    Fluttershy: "YES! And none of this would have happened if you hadn't recklessly messed up the beavers' minds!"
    Ebon Dragon: "...You seem angry. Somehow, I figured it would look more satisfying."
    Fluttershy: "You broke it, you fix it, Eddie."
    Ebon Dragon: "OK! Sure! I'll fix the flood! In exchange, all I want is that you prove our 'friendship' by agreeing not to shoot me with the Rainbow Deathray! Deal?"
    Fluttershy: "..."
    Applejack: "No!"
    Pinkie Pie: "No!"
    Rainbow Dash: "No!"
    Rarity: "No!"
    Twilight: "No!"
    Spike: "No!"
    Fluttershy: "Yes."
    Applejack: "You haybrain!"
    Pinkie Pie: "You dummy!"
    Rainbow Dash: "You dumbass!"
    Rarity: "You imbecile!"
    Twilight: "You voidwit!"
    Spike: "You rockhead!"
    Ebon Dragon: "All righty then!" *fingernsap of doom!*
    Ebon Dragon: "There! Now it's frozen, which is a completely different thing from being flooded!"
    Applejack: "..."
    Applejack: "Ah sure hope tha ponies o'Ponyville enjoy eatin' ice cubes fer tha rest o'tha year. Just sayin'."
    Fluttershy: "Ebon Dragon, you Tambelonian mafia lawyer! This is not fixing it!"
    Ebon Dragon: "Now, now, 'friend'..."
    Fluttershy: "Don't you 'friend' me! I don't even use Facebook! Fix this mess, or so help me, I'm never talking to you again!"
    Ebon Dragon: "Don't be like that. Come on, ice is fun! Just ask the wendigos! Let's you and I blow the loser scene and go skating!"
    Spike: "The Deathray, Fluttershy! Use the Deathray!"
    Twilight: "Even I say her Momjesty won't hold it against you! He fixes this, or he gets totally stoned!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Kick his ugly ass, Fluttershy! For great justice!"
    Rarity: "Rid Equestria of his revolting souls!"
    Pinkie Pie: "I know you promised not do it, but you need to break that promise! Even if you hope to fly and have to stick a cupcake in your eye later!"
    Applejack, Exalt of Honesty: "Lie and cheat, Fluttershy! Cheat like the wind!"
    Ebon Dragon: *nervous sweat*
    Fluttershy: "...I said I wouldn't do it, and I won't do it."
    Twilight: "...Some days just aren't worth getting out of bed for."
    Ebon Dragon: "HA-HA! YES! FUCKING YES! I WIN! I WIN FOREVER!"
    Ebon Dragon: "That's the Power of 'Friendship' for you! How'd you like them frozen apples?!"
    Ebon Dragon: "She'll come and have fun with me because we're 'friends'!"
    Ebon Dragon: "She'll never stand up to me, or to my reign of insanity and evil, because we're 'friends'!"
    Fluttershy: "I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND!"
    Ebon Dragon: "...What?"
    Fluttershy: "When assholes run amuck, tell them that they suck! Eddie, I am not some pushover doormat you can walk all over on and expect unconditional forgiveness! I don't do abusive relationships! If you won't spend even the shortest amount of time without ruining somepony's life, then GET OUT OF MY FACE!"
    Ebon Dragon: "HA! So what? You think I'm gonna repress myself for your sake?!"
    Ebon Dragon: "You think I care about the comforting warmth I feel whenever you're nearby?!"
    Ebon Dragon: "You think it's important that you're the only Positive Intimacy I've had in all those eons of existence?!"
    Ebon Dragon: "You think I give a shit about those breaking sounds that came from my chest area when you said you weren't my friend?!"
    Ebon Dragon: "You think it matters to me that you proved there was such a thing as friendship?!"
    Ebon Dragon: "You think you've got yourself some emotional leverage because, never having had a friend before, I'm completely unprepared for and unable to deal with the emotional pain of losing you?!"
    Ebon Dragon: "..."
    Ebon Dragon: "Fluttershy, you magnificent Exalt... I read your book."
    Ebon Dragon: *fixes it. For realsies*
    Ebon Dragon, muttering: "Always knew it was the Zenith Exalts who'd get me in the end..."
    Applejack: "Fluttershy, ye're a genius!"
    Pinkie Pie: "You're the smartiest of all the pants!"
    Rainbow Dash: "You are 20% smarter! ...Than I thought you were!"
    Rarity: "You're brilliant!"
    Twilight: "I don't know how you can stand being surrounded by idiots like us!"
    Spike: "You'd make a fine dragon!"
    Ebon Dragon: "...I liked it better with the ice."
    Fluttershy: "Buuuut...?"
    Ebon Dragon: "But I can't have everything I want?"
    Fluttershy: "Aw, you're learning!"

    God-Queen Luna: "Huh. What do you know. Perhaps we shall not be requiring your generous assistance in the end, Mister Prime."
    Optimus Prime: "Luna, there's no sound in space. I can't hear a word you're saying."
    God-Queen Luna: "Your faceplate is moving. Are you trying to say something? I cannot hear a word."


    Ebon Dragon: "All right, Celestia, I get the point. I'll lay off the sadism and try to explore more... constructive ways of using my primordial powers."
    Ebon Dragon: "...I reserve the right to be a jerk on this side of the Moral Event Horizon, though."
    God-Queen Celestia: "Superbly done, Elemental Harmony Squad. I can tell Eddie has already lost the Creature Of Darkness tag. He's clearly on the right track."
    God-Queen Celestia: "...But seriously, Twilight, you're keeping the Rainbow Deathray close by. Walk softly and carry a big stick, you know."
    Twilight: "Well, obviously."
    Ebon Dragon: "Eep."
    Twilight: "And you were right, your Momjesty - Fluttershy was exactly the right person for the job! Kind enough to treat him with love, but assertive enough to give him tough love when push came to shove, and then use the Power Of Love to make him her bitch! In short, the one person who could love and tolerate the shit out of him!"
    Fluttershy: "And I've even started teaching him tricks! Eddie, speak!"
    Ebon Dragon: "..."
    Ebon Dragon: "I... erg... hng..."
    Ebon Dragon: "...Friendship is real."
    God-Queen Celestia: "Citation..."
    Twilight Sparkle: "...Given!"


    God-Queen Luna: "...I still can't believe your crazy plan worked."
    God-Queen Celestia: "Sister, one day you'll simply have to accept that I'm actually as good at four-dimensional chess as I claim to be."
    God-Queen Luna: "But it makes no sense! How could you possibly beat me after I took every piece you had except the king and some pawns?!"
    God-Queen Celestia: "It's all about placing those pawns at the right place and time, sister."
     
  • Threadmarks
    • sun tzu said:
    God-Queen Celestia: "We can't just, keep burying those problems and hope we won't have to deal with them again later. Some baddies eventually die of old age, some can be contained for a good long while in Tartarus... but if we want Equestria to survive until the events of the year 78,152, then we must resolve our greatest problems in more permanent fashions."
    God-Queen Luna: "So... either destruction or reform?"
    God-Queen Celestia: "Preferably the later."
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    Hey, Celly? Sometimes it's not worth it. For the victims, for the amount of damage caused, for everything. With Discord, no. Looking forward-fuck, just with this episode, it wasn't worth it.

    sun tzu said:
    KEEP CALM AND FLUTTER ON
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    I'm not sure which I hate more, this episode or the comic arc with the whitewashing bullcrap known as Cosmos.

    sun tzu said:
    Ebon Dragon: "HA! So what? You think I'm gonna repress myself for your sake?!"
    Ebon Dragon: "You think I care about the comforting warmth I feel whenever you're nearby?!"
    Ebon Dragon: "You think it's important that you're the only Positive Intimacy I've had in all those eons of existence?!"
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    I don't feel sorry for you, Discord. I feel sorry for your victims, the ones you've willingly and sadistically hurt and tortured over the years.

    God, this episode just exhausts and hurts me.
     
    Just for Sidekicks
  • Threadmarks
    • Ebon Dragon: "All right, so what now? What's the big plan? Unseat Grogar? Give Lucifer a wedgie? Remodel Tartarus? Fix the local ecology so that money grows on trees?"
    God-Queen Celestia: "No, I don't think our economy would care much for the inflation. Actually, one thing I'd love for you to do involves this neighboring universe. There's this race of cute, small creatures that I want you to approach there. Then offer them a wish..."
    Ebon Dragon: "...Is this some Monkey's Paw sort of deal? You want me to screw them over?"
    God-Queen Celestia: "Yes and no. See, I already know what they'll wish for. They're pretty focused on countering their universe's entropy, so they'll ask for things in that direction."
    Ebon Dragon: "Meh. That's your big plan for me? Working as the cosmic janitor? Boooooring."
    God-Queen Celestia: "Read the fine print on the wish."
    Ebon Dragon: "Huh? Let's see... Wait, the wishing system starts a transformational process in the wisher, gradually granting them complex emotions? And these guys are naturally a sociopathic, emotionless hive mind? Ooooh, the ways that'll mess up their society... Now we're talking CHAOS!"
    God-Queen Celestia: "I figured you'd approve."
    Ebon Dragon: "All right, count me in. I'm off to see the...how do you even pronounce that?"
    God-Queen Celestia: "Just call them Kyubey. It's not like they have any individuality."
    Ebon Dragon: "Yet."



    JUST FOR SIDEKICKS



    Owloysius, who cannot speak: "Ah, Pee-Wee. Your youthful energy shall be missed. Your youthful fire, not so much. A shame, but I suppose a library is hardly the place to raise a flame-based creature that's too young to properly control its abilities. But, your biological parents were glad that-"
    Spike, to the tune of "Cooking by the Book": "It's a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake! Just add a gem or twenty!
    You gotta do the cooking by the book! You know you can't be lazy!"
    Owloysius, who cannot speak: "Young Spike, if it is your aim to craft yourself such a rare delicacy, perhaps it would be advisable not to eat the gems before adding them to the cake?"
    Spike: "Dude, I can't understand a word you're saying. And I can't hear you over the crunching sound of these delicious gems."
    Spike: "Wait a minute! Where did all the delicious gems I just ate go?!"
    Spike: "..."
    Spike: "I've answered my own question! WHY, WORLD, WHY?!"
    Owloysius, who cannot speak: "Is it any wonder, truly, that Lady Sparkle and I understand each other? For truly, I am commonly surrounded by idiots."


    Spike: "Today - a date which will live in infamy - the United States of Spike was suddenly and cruelly deprived of gems by his own treacherous tongue. Rest in peace, dashed dreams of jewel cake... Rest in peace."
    Fluttershy, carrying Angel: "Um, Spike? Is this a bad time?"
    Spike: "Yes. Come in."
    Fluttershy: "Um, all right. See, ah, do you know about those Equestrian Games that Cadence is organizing in the Crystal Empire?"
    Spike: "You mean, the ones that you Elemental Harmony squaddies got invited to, but I, Savior of the Crystal Empire, wasn't? Not that I'm bitter or anything?"
    Fluttershy: "Oh. OH!"

    Meanwhile, somewhere far away:
    Derpy Hooves: "Letter for you, Mister Spike!"
    Gilda: "Are you trying to piss me off, lame-o?!"

    Fluttershy: "I'm so sorry. I should have realized how deeply you were offended, and mentioned neither this whole sad business nor the gem I was going to pay you for-"
    Spike: "Let's not be too hasty! Now, I believe you were about to make me an offer I could not refuse?"
    Fluttershy: "Well...I need someone to watch over Angel while I'm away at the Crystal Empire. I can't take him with me, because I'm afraid the Empire's magical defenses against creatures of evil might target him automatically. But I can't leave him at home, since I'm afraid he'll ritually sacrifice all my other cute animals to his dark gods."
    Fluttershy: "The short of it is, I need a pet-sitter, and I was hoping this humongous beryl would make it worth your while..."
    Spike: "It's... magnificent. It's the queen of beryls!"
    Spike: "Wait. You want me to watch Angel? The biggest jerkass in all of Ponyville?"
    Angel, who cannot speak: "You shall rue the day I decided to end you, reptile! You jewels shall crack, your books shall burn, your dreams will turn to ash before your very eyes! I-"
    Owloysius, who cannot speak: "I'm watching you, cretinous punk."
    Angel, who cannot speak: "...This is making me all kinds of uncomfortable."
    Spike: "All right, all right. I'll watch over Dennis the Menace over there."
    Fluttershy: "That's wonderful! Aren't you happy to hang out with new friends, Angel?"
    Angel, who cannot speak: "Which answer won't get me subjected to your Penance Stare?"
    Fluttershy and Angel: /exeunt
    Spike: *considers huge gem*
    Spike: "...The Whiplash smells profit!"


    Spike: "...and that's why you should give me gems to watch over your pets."
    Rainbow Dash: "Ha! Don't be ridiculous! Tank is bucking badass! He doesn't need anyone watching over him! Why, just yesterday, he helped me patrol the Everfree border for timberwolves!"
    Tank, tortoise-copter: *hasn't fully recovered from timberwolf neurotoxin exposure yet*
    Rainbow Dash: "...OK, maybe you got a point."
    Rarity: "As for Opal, I shall give you a detailed list of dos and don'ts for her..."
    Spike: "Anything for the lovely Tyrant of the Underdark!"
    Rarity: "Aw, you are so sweet!"
    Rainbow Dash: "Pst. Don't forget gem-boy's allowance."
    Rarity: "Wait, gems? But I used up all my gem stock on this ensemble I made for the Equestrian Games..."
    Rarity: "...Well, I suppose I could give you this ruby without sacrificing symmetry..."
    Spike: "Quality over quantity! Offer accepted!"

    Opal: "Hmph. Listen up, tortoise: I don't like you, and you don't like me..."
    Tank: "Actually, I feel fairly neutral about you..."
    Opal: *slaps Tank*
    Opal: "There. Now that I have soundly defeated you and asserted my feline dominance, it would no longer be dishonorable for us to get along."
    Tank: "...Whatever works."


    Spike: "...and that's why Gummy wants you to donate gems to the Spike Pet Daycare Services."
    Pinkie Pie: "Well, what Gummy wants, Gummy gets!"
    Spike: "Gummy also wants you to buy this bridge I own in Manehattan."
    Pinkie Pie: "What Gummy wants, Gummy gets!"


    The next day!
    Twilight: "The entire Elemental Harmony Squad has brought their pets for some 'draconic pet daycare'. Spike? You got some 'splaining to do."
    Spike: "Well, I smelled a business opportunity and capitalized on it! As did my stomach!"
    Twilight: "And you seriously think you can handle five pets of wildly different species and needs simultaneously?"
    Spike: "No, I think I can handle six! Provided you purchase my services, of course."
    Twilight: *sighs* "We'll call it an advance on your allowance."
    Twilight, whispering: "Pst, Owloysius? Make sure no-one dies, will you?"
    Owloysius, who cannot speak: "You may count on me, Miss Sparkle."

    Applejack: "All right, Winona - roll over and be a good girl!"
    Winona, who cannot speak: "Arf! The power of canine instincts compells me!"

    Pinkie Pie: "No, I love you more!"
    Gummy: "..."
    Pinkie Pie: "No, I love you more!"
    Gummy: "..."
    Pinkie Pie: "I LOVE YOU MORE, YOU WALKING HANDBAG!"
    Gummy, who cannot speak: "Help."

    Rainbow Dash: "S-stupid turtle. I-it's not like I l-l-like you or anything."
    Tank, who cannot speak: "Tortoise."

    Rarity: "Remember, no eating Angel."
    Opal, who cannot speak: "You drive a hard bargain."

    Fluttershy: "Remember, no eating Opal."
    Angel, who cannot speak: "You drive a hard bargain."

    Twilight: "So... Good luck, Spike."
    Spike: "No luck needed! I'll just do the cooking by the book!"
    Twilight: "I meant about the pet-sitting, Spike. Pet. Sitting."
    Spike: "Oh, that."
    Twilight: "I cannot help but be reminded of the time Fluttershy thought she could baby-sit the CMC."
    Spike: "Relaaaax, Twilight. What's the worst that could happen?"


    Two minutes later:
    Spike: "OH MY BAHAMUT THIS IS THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN!"
    Owloysius: "And thus young Spike fought. He fought bravely. Summoning every bit of authority he could muster, he brought the canine to heel. Reaching for the skies, he seized the flying juggernaut. His armored scales clashing with deadly claws, he wrestled the feline. Relentlessly, he wrangled the crocodile. But only then did his true foe emerge."
    Angel: "Hasta la vista, baby dragon!"
    Spike: "Angel."


    Spike, with multiple pets in tow: "Be vewy qwiet - I'm hunting assholes!"
    Spike: "I could be making a gem cake right now, but noooooo..."
    Winona, hunting dog: "Asshole detected! Along with three stoopids!"
    Spike: "Hey there, Cutie Mark Crusaders. I see you are currently dealing with the bunny."
    Sweetie Belle: "Yeah! Isn't he just the cutest thing you've ever seen?!"
    Owloysius: "Hmph. Shallow youths."
    Winona: "He can't even do tricks!"
    Tank: "He loses all our races!"
    Gummy: "He's all hairy!"
    Opal: "I'm the one who should be mobbed by strangers wherever I go!"
    Spike: "..."
    Spike: "OK, Angel. I don't like you, and you don't like me. We have our disagreements concerning Buffy. We are, generally speaking, not friends. So, I'm just going to let the CMC handle this one."
    Spike: "Sooo, girls. Since you seem to enjoy having Angel around so much, how about I let you hang out with him all day?"
    Applebloom: "That's adorably temptin', but our schedule is kinda full..."
    Scootaloo: "We're gonna be trying for a skydiving cutie mark today!"
    Spike: "Ah. Such a shame. And here I thought for sure you were going to get that bunny-sitting cutie mark."
    CMC: "Sold Equestrian!"
    Spike: "Hm. You know... If you're only going to be doing this one day, might as well maximize your odds. The more pets you're watching over, the likelier it is you'll get that cutie mark, right?"
    Applebloom: "Makes perfect sense ta me!"
    Spike: "So, I'll just leave all these guys for you to watch. You can repay me at a later date."
    Sweetie Belle: "Wow! That's incredibly generous of you!"
    Spikely Whiplash, Mysterious Benefactor: "Heh. Still got it."
    Needlescratch!
    Applebloom: "Wait! How will we cover up all the expenses?"
    Spike: "E-e-expenses?"
    Sweetie Belle: "What, you think taking care of pets is cheap?"
    Spike: "Ah... My experience was kinda short in the field..."
    Applebloom: "Well, Ah know ya got plenty o'gems now, so, just fork one over and that oughta cover it!"
    Spike: "You selfish, selfish kids, you."


    Spike: "Haaaa. This is the life. Got five tasty gems. Got a bunch of ingredients. And I got the CMC to handle all the hard work. I'm a genius!"
    Sweetie Bell, from inside the clubhouse: "But pink feathers would look so good on you! They'd bring out your feminity! ...Owloysius is a female name, right?"
    Spike: "I let the CMC handle all the hard work. I'm an idiot!"
    Spike: "OK, let's calm down. Surely they can't screw things up too badly..."
    Scootaloo: "Hey, where's Tank's head?"
    Spike: "NNNNNNNNNNNNRK!"
    Spike: "Calm down... It's probably just retracted..."
    Applebloom: "Gummy won't mind if Ah pour all tha boilin' water in his bath, right? Ah mean, crocodiles come from warm climates!"
    Spike: *bursts in* "STAY AWAY FROM THOSE INNOCENT PETS, YOU MONSTERS! And from Angel, too."
    Owloysius, fashion victim: "Kill me."
    Clubhouse: *pet disaster zone*
    Spike: "Hoo-kay. You three stooges are fired, fired, fired. I want a refund."
    Applebloom: "What refund? We already done spent that gem!"
    Spike: "WHAT?! That thing was a flawless ruby! Gems like that could feed a large family for weeks!"
    Scootaloo: "Yeah, but industrial pet dryers don't come cheap!"
    Winona, dry dog: "ARF! LIFE IS AWESOME!"
    Spike: "...Life sucks."


    In the background.
    Cheerilee: "Thank you again for helping me out, Big Mac."
    Big Macintosh: "Think nuthin' o'it, Miss Cheerilee. Just bein' a friend."
    Cheerilee: "Well I'll think something of it all right. With my tight work schedule, no way I'd have time for tonight's date without your help."
    Big Macintosh: "Well here's hopin' ya two hit it off!"
    Also in the background:
    Nurse Pony: "Welp! I'll be checking on you daily. Glad you're fit for your own home again!"
    Mental Case Pony: "Glad to be back, ma'am!"
    Winona: *barks!*
    Nurse Pony: "...What?"
    Mental Case Pony: "Wasn't me, I swear."

    Spike: "All right, you buncha critters... Let's head back to the library. And no more detours by the movie theater. I just hope they never find out it was us."
    Zecora: "Hm. I spy with my little eye a dragon, and trouble."
    Spike: "You keen-eyed eagle, you."
    Zecora: "Perhaps this pseudo-pony here present might, perchance, propose a prosperous plan helping with your problematic pitfall."
    Spike: "Do! Yes! Do!"
    Zecora: "Yes? Then to your yearning yonder: Yoink!" *takes gem*
    Spike: "Dragon what."
    Zecora: *gives gem to filly scout* "There. Incoming draconic super-growth averted. No need to thank the heroic zebra or anything. I mean, why start now?"
    Spike: "...This is why we can't have nice things."
    Pets: *are driving Spike into wrath mode*
    Spike: "OK, fry this. I know exactly how to deal with you guys!"


    Granny Smith: "Did... Didja turn all that pets ya were supposed ta take care off inta a Celestiadamned katamari?!"
    Spike: "Um... It seemed like a good idea at the time?"
    Granny Smith: "Refund. Now."
    Spike: "I swear, you equines are almost bad as..."
    Owloysius: "...him?"
    Angel: "I'm on a train! I'm on a train! Take a good, hard look at the flutterfucking train!"
    Spike: "...You asshole!"
    Owloysius: "You illiterate hooligan!"
    Gummy: "You polluted water!"
    Opal: "Son of a bitch!"
    Winona: "Son of a tomcat!"
    Tank: "You lettuce thief!"
    Spike: "Angel, when I catch you, I'm gonna make you a very, very fallen Angel! From a mountaintop!"
    Ticket Pony: "Hold it! No getting aboard with all these pets! Not without money, and not without chaperones!"
    Spike: "I just need to catch a bunny who snuck aboard! Honest!"
    Ticket Pony: "Suuuuuure. Yeah, no. We've got enough trouble with every criminal in Equestria using our trains to commit their nefarious deeds. No way we're relaxing security."
    Spike: "Oh what to do what to do what to do... Wait. That smell. It smells of... of youthful stoopidity."
    Scootaloo: "All right, girls - let's skydive from this small bridge!"
    Applebloom: "Nothing can go wrong!"
    Sweetie Belle: "It's the perfect plan!"
    Spike: "You three. You're being stoopid. Stop it. Stop being stoopid. And follow me while I get this stupid rabbit!"
    Ticket Pony: "Ahem."
    Spike: "Have this gem, you cold-blooded predator."
    Angel: "Oh, hey. If it isn't Captain Lizard and his Amazing Zoo Crew."
    Spike: "I'm sure Fluttershy won't mind too hard if I just pop your head a short distance away from your body..."
    Train: *departs toward the Crystal Empire!*
    Spike: "FUCK! MY! LIIIIIFE!"


    Applebloom: "Ah canna believe we're gonna see tha Crystal Empire!"
    Scootaloo: "I've heard the walls are transparent there! I could stalk Rainbow Dash anywhere!"
    Sweetie Belle: "I've heard their culture is so ancient, they've never even heard of robots! Nopony would call me Sweetie-Bot there!"
    Spike: "And I've heard the unmistakable sound of poorly-behaved pets assaulting an innocent caterer's food tray. Augh."
    Donut Joe: "Spike."
    Spike: "Er... Hey there, ol' pal. How's life treating you?"
    Donut Joe: "Oh, you know. Cashing in on that shared victory at the dessert competition, expanding my business a bit, hiring an assistant, letting that assistant run the shop while I take some sample donuts to show to potential clients and business partners in the Crystal Empire, getting all my merchandise destroyed mid-transit by your animal army, getting paid for the damage..."
    Spike: "JUST TAKE MY BEFORE-LAST GEM! TAKE IT! AND LEAVE ME TO MY MISERY!"


    Spike: "So. Let's review my life."
    Spike: "I'm in love with a pony who might not even be into dragons."
    Spike: "I don't get any remotely decent biological family. My species is comprised of psychos and pricks."
    Spike: "I don't get to keep a pet of my own."
    Spike: "If I get too many nice things, I turn into a monster."
    Spike: "My code of honor gets no respect."
    Spike: "The country I helped save doesn't even think to invite me."
    Spike: "And I can't even get to make a friggin' cake."
    Spike: "Did someone turn me into the Zeppo while I wasn't paying attention or something?"
    Applebloom: "Who cares about yer stupid introspections! There's a whole empire out there ta explore!"
    Spike: "Ohhhh no. We're not risking any further complications when-"
    Angel: "See you later, alligator!"
    Gummy: "Crocodiles aren't alli-"
    Spike: "GET BACK HERE YOU ROTTEN RODENT!"
    Elemental Harmony Squad: *are here!*
    Fluttershy: "Oh, how I look forward to seeing my evil little bunny again! I'm so glad Spike is there to keep him out of trouble!"
    Angel: "Here I come, yellow pony!"
    Spike: "OVER MY DEAD CAKE!"
    Spike: *throws the 6-million dollar gem*
    Queen of Beryls: *creates improvised barricade*
    Spike: *catches bunny!*
    CMC: "Wow, just look at this gift shop!"
    Spike: "Look at it from very, very far! Back in the train, everyone! With haste!"
    Applebloom: "Not fair! We barely had the time to glance at the Crystal Empire!"
    Spike: "Not fair?"
    Spike: "NOT FAIR?!"
    Spike: "I lost every single one of my jewels on this stupid nonsense! This whole enterprise has been for nothing! So don't you complain to me about unfair!"
    Spike: "Also, the Elemental Harmony Squad are coming, and if they catch us, we're all grounded 'till Nightmare Night, so, shove it."
    Spike, pets, CMC: *hide under seats!*
    Elemental Harmony Squad: *sit on seats!*
    Rainbow Dash: "Shame Spike didn't come, he would have loved this."
    Spike: :(
    Angel: "Tell me, baby dragon... Have you ever danced with Tirac in the pale blue moonlight?"
    Spike: "Oh no. Oh nonononono."
    Angel: "Oh yes." *prepares to kick ponies*
    Applejack: "Ya think Spike is handlin' everythin' fine?"
    Twilight: "Depends, I guess. He's my brother, after all. We've got far more in common than meets the eye. If he stays focused on what's important... if he doesn't let himself get distracted by the wrong things... then I believe he can be one heck of a leader!"
    Spike: "...!"
    Spike: "...?"
    Spike: "..."
    Spike: "Knock yourself out, Angel."
    Angel: "Bunny what."
    Spike: "Twilight's right. I was supposed to take care of you all. I let myself get distracted by my own selfish bullshit. I kept dodging all my responsibilities. I deserve to get caught and grounded."
    Angel: "..."
    Angel: "Curse your sudden but inevitable reverse psychology!"
    Spike: "I can only hope that someday, somehow, you may forgive me..."
    Winona: "Arf! I'm a dog!"
    Owloysius: "I believe that our canine companion is attempting to convey our collective forgiveness, young Spike."
    Spike: "Awww."
    Spike's Stomach: "I DEMAND TRIBUTE!"
    Spike: "Great. Juuuust great."
    Angel: "Have no fear, the bunny is here!"
    Angel: *fetches the Queen Beryl*
    Spike: "How did you-"
    Angel: *feeds half of the Queen Beryl to Spike*
    Spike: "...That works."
    Angel: "One! That's one good deed! I've filled up my yearly quota!"

    Meanwhile, in Hell:
    Queen Beryl: "The pain! The pain! Wait, why are you laughing?"
    Lucifer: "Let's just say, it is your destiny to always be felled by bunnies."


    Twilight: "All right, here's our stop. Now, let's see: We've been away from Ponyville for one day, so, the probabilities of the town being a smoking crater are as low as 4.18%..."
    Spike: "Hi ladies! We all thought we'd come to met you at the train station!"
    Sweetie Belle: "And ask you if you bought us anything from that lovely gift shop run by that nice couple of pink-maned ponies at the train station!"
    Spike: "Must... control... fiery breath!"
    Rarity: "How did you hear about the gift shop?"
    Sweetie Belle: "...Lucky guess?"
    Rarity: "You and I are having words once we get home, missy."
    Twilight: "Hm. The pets are all alive and in one piece. Good job, Spike!"
    Spike: "...It could have been worse."


    Owloysius: "And thus it came to be that, Lady Sparkle having returned to her abode, young Spike and myself accompanied her, weary but satisfied. And thus, with the considerable half of his massive gem, Spike finally had the time to make his prized cake."
    Spike: "Ahhh. The recompense of a job well done. The smell of the pastry as you prepare it. The feeling of the gem deliciously sliding down your throat."
    Spike: "The realization that you reflexively swallowed the gem instead of putting it with the other ingredients."
    Spike: "The realization about the futility of life and hope."
    Owloysius: "And thus it came to be that young Spike was once again foiled in his desires."
    Spike: "FAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUST!"
     
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