Ebon Dragon: "All right, so what now? What's the big plan? Unseat Grogar? Give Lucifer a wedgie? Remodel Tartarus? Fix the local ecology so that money grows on trees?"
God-Queen Celestia: "No, I don't think our economy would care much for the inflation. Actually, one thing I'd love for you to do involves this neighboring universe. There's this race of cute, small creatures that I want you to approach there. Then offer them a wish..."
Ebon Dragon: "...Is this some Monkey's Paw sort of deal? You want me to screw them over?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Yes and no. See, I already know what they'll wish for. They're pretty focused on countering their universe's entropy, so they'll ask for things in that direction."
Ebon Dragon: "Meh. That's your big plan for me? Working as the cosmic janitor? Boooooring."
God-Queen Celestia: "Read the fine print on the wish."
Ebon Dragon: "Huh? Let's see... Wait, the wishing system starts a transformational process in the wisher, gradually granting them complex emotions?
And these guys are naturally a sociopathic, emotionless hive mind? Ooooh, the ways that'll mess up their society...
Now we're talking CHAOS!"
God-Queen Celestia: "I figured you'd approve."
Ebon Dragon: "All right, count me in. I'm off to see the...how do you even
pronounce that?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Just call them Kyubey. It's not like they have any individuality."
Ebon Dragon: "
Yet."
JUST FOR SIDEKICKS
Owloysius, who cannot speak: "Ah, Pee-Wee. Your youthful energy shall be missed. Your youthful fire, not so much. A shame, but I suppose a library is hardly the place to raise a flame-based creature that's too young to properly control its abilities. But, your biological parents were glad that-"
Spike, to the tune of "Cooking by the Book":
"It's a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake! Just add a gem or twenty!
You gotta do the cooking by the book! You know you can't be lazy!"
Owloysius, who cannot speak: "Young Spike, if it is your aim to craft yourself such a rare delicacy, perhaps it would be advisable not to eat the gems
before adding them to the cake?"
Spike: "Dude, I can't understand a word you're saying. And I can't hear you over the crunching sound of these delicious gems."
Spike: "Wait a minute! Where did all the delicious gems I just ate go?!"
Spike: "..."
Spike: "I've answered my own question! WHY, WORLD, WHY?!"
Owloysius, who cannot speak: "Is it any wonder, truly, that Lady Sparkle and I understand each other? For truly, I am commonly surrounded by idiots."
Spike: "Today - a date which will live in infamy - the United States of Spike was suddenly and cruelly deprived of gems by his own treacherous tongue. Rest in peace, dashed dreams of jewel cake... Rest in peace."
Fluttershy, carrying Angel: "Um, Spike? Is this a bad time?"
Spike: "Yes. Come in."
Fluttershy: "Um, all right. See, ah, do you know about those Equestrian Games that Cadence is organizing in the Crystal Empire?"
Spike: "You mean, the ones that you Elemental Harmony squaddies got invited to, but I, Savior of the Crystal Empire, wasn't? Not that I'm bitter or anything?"
Fluttershy: "Oh. OH!"
Meanwhile, somewhere far away:
Derpy Hooves: "Letter for you, Mister Spike!"
Gilda: "Are you
trying to piss me off, lame-o?!"
Fluttershy: "I'm so sorry. I should have realized how deeply you were offended, and mentioned neither this whole sad business nor the gem I was going to pay you for-"
Spike: "Let's not be too hasty! Now, I believe you were about to make me an offer I could not refuse?"
Fluttershy: "Well...I need someone to watch over Angel while I'm away at the Crystal Empire. I can't take him with me, because I'm afraid the Empire's magical defenses against creatures of evil might target him automatically. But I can't leave him at home, since I'm afraid he'll ritually sacrifice all my other cute animals to his dark gods."
Fluttershy: "The short of it is, I need a pet-sitter, and I was hoping this humongous beryl would make it worth your while..."
Spike: "It's... magnificent. It's the
queen of beryls!"
Spike: "Wait. You want me to watch
Angel? The biggest jerkass in all of Ponyville?"
Angel, who cannot speak: "You shall rue the day I decided to end you, reptile! You jewels shall crack, your books shall burn, your dreams will turn to ash before your very eyes! I-"
Owloysius, who cannot speak: "I'm
watching you, cretinous punk."
Angel, who cannot speak: "...This is making me all kinds of uncomfortable."
Spike: "All right, all right. I'll watch over Dennis the Menace over there."
Fluttershy: "That's wonderful! Aren't you happy to hang out with new friends, Angel?"
Angel, who cannot speak: "Which answer won't get me subjected to your Penance Stare?"
Fluttershy and Angel: /exeunt
Spike: *considers huge gem*
Spike: "...The Whiplash smells profit!"
Spike: "...and that's why you should give me gems to watch over your pets."
Rainbow Dash: "Ha! Don't be ridiculous! Tank is bucking badass! He doesn't need anyone watching over him! Why, just yesterday, he helped me patrol the Everfree border for timberwolves!"
Tank, tortoise-copter: *hasn't fully recovered from timberwolf neurotoxin exposure yet*
Rainbow Dash: "...OK, maybe you got a point."
Rarity: "As for Opal, I shall give you a detailed list of dos and don'ts for her..."
Spike: "Anything for the lovely Tyrant of the Underdark!"
Rarity: "Aw, you are so sweet!"
Rainbow Dash: "Pst. Don't forget gem-boy's allowance."
Rarity: "Wait, gems? But I used up all my gem stock on this ensemble I made for the Equestrian Games..."
Rarity: "...Well, I suppose I could give you this ruby without sacrificing symmetry..."
Spike: "Quality over quantity! Offer accepted!"
Opal: "Hmph. Listen up, tortoise: I don't like you, and you don't like me..."
Tank: "Actually, I feel fairly neutral about you..."
Opal: *slaps Tank*
Opal: "There. Now that I have soundly defeated you and asserted my feline dominance, it would no longer be dishonorable for us to get along."
Tank: "...Whatever works."
Spike: "...and that's why Gummy wants you to donate gems to the Spike Pet Daycare Services."
Pinkie Pie: "Well, what Gummy wants, Gummy gets!"
Spike: "Gummy also wants you to buy this bridge I own in Manehattan."
Pinkie Pie: "What Gummy wants, Gummy gets!"
The next day!
Twilight: "The entire Elemental Harmony Squad has brought their pets for some 'draconic pet daycare'. Spike? You got some 'splaining to do."
Spike: "Well, I smelled a business opportunity and capitalized on it! As did my stomach!"
Twilight: "And you seriously think you can handle
five pets of wildly different species and needs simultaneously?"
Spike: "No, I think I can handle
six! Provided you purchase my services, of course."
Twilight: *sighs* "We'll call it an advance on your allowance."
Twilight, whispering: "Pst, Owloysius? Make sure no-one dies, will you?"
Owloysius, who cannot speak: "You may count on me, Miss Sparkle."
Applejack: "All right, Winona - roll over and be a good girl!"
Winona, who cannot speak: "Arf! The power of canine instincts compells me!"
Pinkie Pie: "No, I love you more!"
Gummy: "..."
Pinkie Pie: "No,
I love you more!"
Gummy: "..."
Pinkie Pie:
"I LOVE YOU MORE, YOU WALKING HANDBAG!"
Gummy, who cannot speak: "Help."
Rainbow Dash: "S-stupid turtle. I-it's not like I l-l-like you or anything."
Tank, who cannot speak: "Tortoise."
Rarity: "Remember, no eating Angel."
Opal, who cannot speak: "You drive a hard bargain."
Fluttershy: "Remember, no eating Opal."
Angel, who cannot speak: "You drive a hard bargain."
Twilight: "So... Good luck, Spike."
Spike: "No luck needed! I'll just do the cooking by the book!"
Twilight: "I meant about the pet-sitting, Spike. Pet. Sitting."
Spike: "Oh, that."
Twilight: "I cannot help but be reminded of the time Fluttershy thought she could baby-sit the CMC."
Spike: "Relaaaax, Twilight. What's the worst that could happen?"
Two minutes later:
Spike:
"OH MY BAHAMUT THIS IS THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN!"
Owloysius: "And thus young Spike fought. He fought bravely. Summoning every bit of authority he could muster, he brought the canine to heel. Reaching for the skies, he seized the flying juggernaut. His armored scales clashing with deadly claws, he wrestled the feline. Relentlessly, he wrangled the crocodile. But only then did his true foe emerge."
Angel: "Hasta la vista, baby dragon!"
Spike:
"Angel."
Spike, with multiple pets in tow: "Be vewy qwiet - I'm hunting assholes!"
Spike: "I
could be making a gem cake right now, but noooooo..."
Winona, hunting dog: "Asshole detected! Along with three stoopids!"
Spike: "Hey there, Cutie Mark Crusaders. I see you are currently dealing with the bunny."
Sweetie Belle: "Yeah! Isn't he just the
cutest thing you've ever seen?!"
Owloysius: "Hmph. Shallow youths."
Winona: "He can't even do tricks!"
Tank: "He loses all our races!"
Gummy: "He's all hairy!"
Opal: "
I'm the one who should be mobbed by strangers wherever I go!"
Spike: "..."
Spike: "OK, Angel. I don't like you, and you don't like me. We have our disagreements concerning Buffy. We are, generally speaking, not friends. So, I'm just going to let the CMC handle this one."
Spike: "Sooo, girls. Since you seem to enjoy having Angel around so much, how about I let you hang out with him all day?"
Applebloom: "That's adorably temptin', but our schedule is kinda full..."
Scootaloo: "We're gonna be trying for a skydiving cutie mark today!"
Spike: "Ah. Such a shame. And here I thought for sure you were going to get that bunny-sitting cutie mark."
CMC: "Sold Equestrian!"
Spike: "Hm. You know... If you're only going to be doing this one day, might as well maximize your odds. The more pets you're watching over, the likelier it is you'll get that cutie mark, right?"
Applebloom: "Makes perfect sense ta me!"
Spike: "So, I'll just leave all these guys for you to watch. You can repay me at a later date."
Sweetie Belle: "Wow! That's incredibly generous of you!"
Spikely Whiplash, Mysterious Benefactor: "Heh. Still got it."
Needlescratch!
Applebloom: "Wait! How will we cover up all the expenses?"
Spike: "E-e-expenses?"
Sweetie Belle: "What, you think taking care of pets is cheap?"
Spike: "Ah... My experience was kinda short in the field..."
Applebloom: "Well, Ah know ya got plenty o'gems now, so, just fork one over and that oughta cover it!"
Spike: "You selfish, selfish kids, you."
Spike: "Haaaa. This is the life. Got five tasty gems. Got a bunch of ingredients. And I got the CMC to handle all the hard work. I'm a genius!"
Sweetie Bell, from inside the clubhouse: "But pink feathers would look so good on you! They'd bring out your feminity! ...Owloysius is a female name, right?"
Spike: "I let the CMC handle all the hard work. I'm an idiot!"
Spike: "OK, let's calm down. Surely they can't screw things up
too badly..."
Scootaloo: "Hey, where's Tank's head?"
Spike: "NNNNNNNNNNNNRK!"
Spike: "Calm down... It's probably just retracted..."
Applebloom: "Gummy won't mind if Ah pour all tha boilin' water in his bath, right? Ah mean, crocodiles come from warm climates!"
Spike: *bursts in* "STAY AWAY FROM THOSE INNOCENT PETS, YOU MONSTERS! And from Angel, too."
Owloysius, fashion victim: "Kill me."
Clubhouse: *pet disaster zone*
Spike: "Hoo-kay. You three stooges are fired, fired,
fired. I want a refund."
Applebloom: "What refund? We already done spent that gem!"
Spike: "WHAT?! That thing was a flawless ruby! Gems like that could feed a large family for weeks!"
Scootaloo: "Yeah, but industrial pet dryers don't come cheap!"
Winona, dry dog: "ARF! LIFE IS AWESOME!"
Spike: "...Life
sucks."
In the background.
Cheerilee: "Thank you again for helping me out, Big Mac."
Big Macintosh: "Think nuthin' o'it, Miss Cheerilee. Just bein' a friend."
Cheerilee: "Well I'll think
something of it all right. With my tight work schedule, no
way I'd have time for tonight's date without your help."
Big Macintosh: "Well here's hopin' ya two hit it off!"
Also in the background:
Nurse Pony: "Welp! I'll be checking on you daily. Glad you're fit for your own home again!"
Mental Case Pony: "Glad to
be back, ma'am!"
Winona: *barks!*
Nurse Pony: "...What?"
Mental Case Pony: "Wasn't me, I swear."
Spike: "All right, you buncha critters... Let's head back to the library. And no more detours by the movie theater. I just hope they never find out it was us."
Zecora: "Hm. I spy with my little eye a dragon, and trouble."
Spike: "You keen-eyed eagle, you."
Zecora: "Perhaps this pseudo-pony here present might, perchance, propose a prosperous plan helping with your problematic pitfall."
Spike: "Do! Yes! Do!"
Zecora: "Yes? Then to your yearning yonder: Yoink!" *takes gem*
Spike: "Dragon what."
Zecora: *gives gem to filly scout* "There. Incoming draconic super-growth averted. No need to thank the heroic zebra or anything. I mean, why start now?"
Spike: "...This is why we can't have nice things."
Pets: *are driving Spike into wrath mode*
Spike: "OK, fry this. I know
exactly how to deal with you guys!"
Granny Smith: "Did... Didja turn all that pets ya were supposed ta take care off inta a Celestiadamned
katamari?!"
Spike: "Um... It seemed like a good idea at the time?"
Granny Smith: "Refund. Now."
Spike: "I swear, you equines are almost bad as..."
Owloysius: "...him?"
Angel:
"I'm on a train! I'm on a train! Take a good, hard look at the flutterfucking train!"
Spike: "...You
asshole!"
Owloysius: "You illiterate hooligan!"
Gummy: "You polluted water!"
Opal: "Son of a
bitch!"
Winona: "Son of a
tomcat!"
Tank: "You lettuce thief!"
Spike: "Angel, when I catch you, I'm gonna make you a very,
very fallen Angel! From a mountaintop!"
Ticket Pony: "Hold it! No getting aboard with all these pets! Not without money, and not without chaperones!"
Spike: "I just need to catch a bunny who snuck aboard! Honest!"
Ticket Pony: "Suuuuuure. Yeah, no. We've got enough trouble with every criminal in Equestria using our trains to commit their nefarious deeds. No way we're relaxing security."
Spike: "Oh what to do what to do what to do... Wait. That smell. It smells of... of youthful stoopidity."
Scootaloo: "All right, girls - let's skydive from this small bridge!"
Applebloom: "Nothing can go wrong!"
Sweetie Belle: "It's the perfect plan!"
Spike: "You three. You're being stoopid. Stop it. Stop being stoopid. And follow me while I get this stupid rabbit!"
Ticket Pony: "Ahem."
Spike: "Have this gem, you cold-blooded predator."
Angel: "Oh, hey. If it isn't Captain Lizard and his Amazing Zoo Crew."
Spike: "I'm sure Fluttershy won't mind too hard if I just pop your head a
short distance away from your body..."
Train: *departs toward the Crystal Empire!*
Spike: "FUCK! MY! LIIIIIFE!"
Applebloom: "Ah canna believe we're gonna see tha Crystal Empire!"
Scootaloo: "I've heard the walls are transparent there! I could stalk Rainbow Dash
anywhere!"
Sweetie Belle: "I've heard their culture is so ancient, they've never even
heard of robots! Nopony would call me Sweetie-Bot there!"
Spike: "And I've heard the unmistakable sound of poorly-behaved pets assaulting an innocent caterer's food tray. Augh."
Donut Joe: "
Spike."
Spike: "Er... Hey there, ol' pal. How's life treating you?"
Donut Joe: "Oh, you know. Cashing in on that shared victory at the dessert competition, expanding my business a bit, hiring an assistant, letting that assistant run the shop while I take some sample donuts to show to potential clients and business partners in the Crystal Empire, getting all my merchandise destroyed mid-transit by your animal army, getting paid for the damage..."
Spike: "JUST TAKE MY BEFORE-LAST GEM! TAKE IT! AND LEAVE ME TO MY MISERY!"
Spike: "So. Let's review my life."
Spike: "I'm in love with a pony who might not even be into dragons."
Spike: "I don't get any remotely decent biological family. My species is comprised of psychos and pricks."
Spike: "I don't get to keep a pet of my own."
Spike: "If I get too many nice things, I turn into a monster."
Spike: "My code of honor gets no respect."
Spike: "The country I helped save doesn't even think to invite me."
Spike: "And I can't even get to make a friggin' cake."
Spike: "Did someone turn me into the Zeppo while I wasn't paying attention or something?"
Applebloom: "Who cares about yer stupid introspections! There's a whole empire out there ta explore!"
Spike: "Ohhhh no. We're not risking any further complications when-"
Angel: "See you later, alligator!"
Gummy: "Crocodiles aren't alli-"
Spike: "GET BACK HERE YOU ROTTEN RODENT!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: *are here!*
Fluttershy: "Oh, how I look forward to seeing my evil little bunny again! I'm so glad Spike is there to keep him out of trouble!"
Angel: "Here I come, yellow pony!"
Spike: "OVER MY DEAD CAKE!"
Spike: *throws the 6-million dollar gem*
Queen of Beryls: *creates improvised barricade*
Spike: *catches bunny!*
CMC: "Wow, just
look at this gift shop!"
Spike: "Look at it from very, very far! Back in the train, everyone! With haste!"
Applebloom: "Not fair! We barely had the time to
glance at the Crystal Empire!"
Spike: "Not fair?"
Spike: "NOT FAIR?!"
Spike: "I lost every single one of my jewels on this stupid nonsense! This whole enterprise has been for
nothing! So don't
you complain to me about unfair!"
Spike: "Also, the Elemental Harmony Squad are coming, and if they catch us, we're all grounded 'till Nightmare Night, so, shove it."
Spike, pets, CMC: *hide under seats!*
Elemental Harmony Squad: *sit on seats!*
Rainbow Dash: "Shame Spike didn't come, he would have loved this."
Spike:
Angel: "Tell me, baby dragon... Have you ever danced with Tirac in the pale blue moonlight?"
Spike: "Oh no. Oh nonononono."
Angel: "Oh yes." *prepares to kick ponies*
Applejack: "Ya think Spike is handlin' everythin' fine?"
Twilight: "Depends, I guess. He's my brother, after all. We've got far more in common than meets the eye. If he stays focused on what's important... if he doesn't let himself get distracted by the wrong things... then I believe he can be one heck of a leader!"
Spike: "...!"
Spike: "...?"
Spike: "..."
Spike: "Knock yourself out, Angel."
Angel: "Bunny what."
Spike: "Twilight's right. I was supposed to take care of you all. I let myself get distracted by my own selfish bullshit. I kept dodging all my responsibilities. I
deserve to get caught and grounded."
Angel: "..."
Angel: "Curse your sudden but inevitable reverse psychology!"
Spike: "I can only hope that someday, somehow, you may forgive me..."
Winona: "Arf! I'm a dog!"
Owloysius: "I believe that our canine companion is attempting to convey our collective forgiveness, young Spike."
Spike: "Awww."
Spike's Stomach: "I DEMAND TRIBUTE!"
Spike: "Great. Juuuust great."
Angel: "Have no fear, the bunny is here!"
Angel: *fetches the Queen Beryl*
Spike: "How did you-"
Angel: *feeds half of the Queen Beryl to Spike*
Spike: "...That works."
Angel: "One! That's one good deed! I've filled up my yearly quota!"
Meanwhile, in Hell:
Queen Beryl: "The pain! The pain! Wait, why are you laughing?"
Lucifer: "Let's just say, it is your destiny to always be felled by bunnies."
Twilight: "All right, here's our stop. Now, let's see: We've been away from Ponyville for one day, so, the probabilities of the town being a smoking crater are as low as 4.18%..."
Spike: "Hi ladies! We all thought we'd come to met you at the train station!"
Sweetie Belle: "And ask you if you bought us anything from that lovely gift shop run by that nice couple of pink-maned ponies at the train station!"
Spike: "Must... control... fiery breath!"
Rarity: "How did you hear about the gift shop?"
Sweetie Belle: "...Lucky guess?"
Rarity: "You and I are having words once we get home, missy."
Twilight: "Hm. The pets are all alive and in one piece. Good job, Spike!"
Spike: "...It could have been worse."
Owloysius: "And thus it came to be that, Lady Sparkle having returned to her abode, young Spike and myself accompanied her, weary but satisfied. And thus, with the considerable half of his massive gem, Spike finally had the time to make his prized cake."
Spike: "Ahhh. The recompense of a job well done. The smell of the pastry as you prepare it. The feeling of the gem deliciously sliding down your throat."
Spike: "The realization that you reflexively swallowed the gem instead of putting it with the other ingredients."
Spike: "The realization about the futility of life and hope."
Owloysius: "And thus it came to be that young Spike was once again foiled in his desires."
Spike:
"FAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUST!"