Where I Watch: My Little Pony

[sun tzu]

Applejack: "Ah, Twilight? Ah was wonderin'..."
Twilight: "Yes, AJ?"
Applejack: "Ah've checked, an' from tha looks of it, Ah'm quite possibly tha least popular member o'tha Elemental Harmony Squad."
Twilight: "Well... Among the least, anyway."
Applejack: "..."
Twilight: "..."
Applejack: "Why?! Am Ah not good enough? Ah'm a badass athlete, great with foals, always helpful, Ah don't rub people's face in mah talents, and Ah've done less majerly bone-headed stuff than anyone else here! What, am Ah borin' people?"
Twilight: "AJ... I think it might be a focus issue."
Applejack: "Whaddaya mean, Twilight?"
Twilight: "Well, it's a simple fact: You haven't gotten a lot of focus episodes. Less than any of us save Pinkie Pie. It's not that people don't like you, they've just never had as many chances to see you shine."
Applejack: "Well, time fer a change, then! This week's episode is all about family appreciation day, and Ah'm tha main family mare on this show! This is mah chance ta shine!"
Twilight: "Um..."
Applejack: "...What?"
Twilight: "Er... Well, I've checked the script, and, well..."
Applebloom: "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS SPOTLIGHT STEALERS!"
Applejack: "..."
Applejack: "FAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUST!"



FAMILY APPRECIATION DAY



Well, we open on the Apples' farm at night when...
*Hooooowl!*
*Clanging!*
*WTF!*
Applejack, Big Mac, Applebloom: "Huh?"
Granny Smith: *is running outside in the middle of the night while clanging metal pots together*
Granny Smith: "THE TIMBER WOLVES ARE HOWLING! THE TIMBER WOLVES ARE HOWLING!"
Applejack, Big Mac, Applebloom: "..."
Applejack: "Well, that makes perfect sense!"
Appleblom: "Sure does!"
Big Mac: "Eyup!"
Granny Smith: "THE ZAP APPLES ARE COMING! THE ZAP APPLES ARE COMING!"
Applejack, Big Mac, Appleblom: "Yay!"
...What just happened?


The next day:
Granny Smith: "Now young whipper-snapper, this here's gonna be yet first year helpin' me with making zap apple jam."
Applebloom: "Oh boy oh boy oh boy!"
Granny Smith: "So fair warnin': There are lots of steps, and ya need to git 'em all right!"
Applebloom: "Oh boy oh boy oh boy!"
Granny Smith: "Fer starters, clean up tha kitchen."
Applebloom: "Oh boy oh boy oh boy?"

Meanwhile, outside:
Applejack: "Waaaaait fer it..."
Sinister storm clouds: *gather*
Static electricity: *fills the air*
Electric sparks: *run across leafless trees*
Trees: *feed on electricity to instantly grow leaves*
Equestria's biology: *is kinda like that*
Applejack: "Ya know, bro... given all tha weird stuff Ah have ta deal with with mah friends... Ah really appreciate havin' normal, natural farmin' ta keep me grounded."
Big Mac: "Eyup."

Enters Filthy Rich, and his daughter... Diamond Tiara. Huh.
Granny Smith and Applebloom: *are wearing bunny suits and jumping over farming equipment while reciting the alphabet*
Bwuh?
Diamond Tiara: "Bwuh?"
Diamond Tiara: "...BWAHAHAHA!"
Filthy Rich, businessstallion: "Ah, Granny Smith. Just the pony I wanted to see."
Granny Smith: "Why howdy, Filthy."
Filthy Rich: "...If that's all the same to you, I prefer Rich."
Granny Smith: "Sure thing, Dick!"
Filthy Rich: "...I'll take what I can get."
Filthy Rich: "Anyway, I've heard that there's a new harvest of zap apples coming?"
Granny Smith: "Ya done heard right."
Filthy Rich: "Then, as per our usual arrangement, I get to buy the first hundred jam pots you make?"
Granny Smith: "Sure as sugar, youngster!"
But while the adults talk business...
Diamond Tiara: "Poor Applebloom. Forced to work on zap apple jam, hm?"
Applebloom: "Actually, Ah've been waiting fer years ta be able ta participate in this!"
Diamond Tiara: "Frustrating, isn't it? Having to work besides Granny Smith all day long."
Applebloom: "Thankfully, I actually enjoy spending time with her."
Diamond Tiara: "But surely it burns you up how weird and senile she gets!"
Applebloom: "Hardly! In fact, I'd say I'm lucky to..."
Diamond Tiara: "FOR BUCK'S SAKE! Shut up with your disgustingly sweet horseshit! Acceptance of weird family members doesn't exist! Your granny is a Celestiadamn weirdo forcing you through a bunch of freaky rituals, and you should be ashamed and embarrassed about being associated with her!"
Applebloom: "But, that's not-"
Diamond Tiara: *casts Golden Years Tarnished Black*
Diamond Tiara: "There. Acceptingness bucking disproved. Way to harsh my buzz, you jerk."
...Diamond Tiara didn't just cast one of the Ebon Dragon's Charms, right?
Diamond Tiara: "Well... no. Not really. But that's the way it should have happened."

At the market.
Applebloom: "Granny, what an embarrassing gait and loud voice you have!"
Applebloom: "Granny, what awkward pot-biting manners you have!"
Applebloom: "Granny, what a mortifying beard made of bees you have!"
Granny Smith: "Well, ya gotta stay on good terms with tha bees in this here line o' work!"
Applebloom: "EEP!" *tries to hide from the passing Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon*
Granny Smith: "Friends o' yours?"
Applebloom: "More like recurring nemeses."
Granny Smith: "Same thin' in tha long run, sweetie. HEY THERE FILLIES WHO TORMENT AND HUMILIATE MY GRANDDAUGHTER! NICE TA MEET YA!"
Applebloom: "Why oh why didn't Ah pack up and leave fer Manehattan when Ah had tha chance?"


In class:
Filthy Rich: "And thus, thanks to the economy of scale, buying everything in bulk allowed Rich's Barnyard Bargains to slash our prices across the market, and we came to rule Ponyville's retail industry with an iron hoof. Many yayifications were had. Capitalism, ho!"
Scootaloo: *has been knocked unconscious by the presentation*
Sweetie Belle: "My few remaining brain cells have run off to escape the boredom."
Applebloom: "If this were a dream, it would bore me awake."
Silver Spoon: "What's the point of earning money when you can just have it?"
Twist: "I have been inspired by your tale to create my own candy corp!"
Diamond Tiara: "Yay daddy!"
Cheerilee: "Thank you for this lovely presentation Dick-"
Filthy Rich: *menacing growl*
Cheerilee: "...Thank you for this lovely presentation Rich. If I ever get the impression that my students aren't taking their studies seriously, I'll invite you to give another one!"
Filthy Rich: "It's nice knowing I'm inspirational."
Applebloom: "NOOOOOO! We'll study hard! We'll study EXTRA HARD!"
Cheerilee: "Inspirational is one way to put it."
Cheerilee: "Speaking of which: Applebloom, next week is your turn to bring a relative for family appreciation day."
Applebloom: "But... But both Applejack and Big are gonna be busy harvestin' zap apples!"
Cheerilee: "Oh! Then, what about your parents?"
Applebloom: "..."
Cherilee: "..."
Applebloom: "..."
Cherilee: "..."
Cheerilee: "...Nevermind. Anyone else you can bring?"
Applebloom: "Nope. Nada. Niet. Negative. Nopony. Nihil."
Diamond Tiara: "Granny Smith will be available."
Cheerilee: "Awesome! Granny Smith it is!"
Applebloom: "ALL HOPE IS DEAD."
Applebloom: "I'll be a laughingstock!"
Applebloom: "...More than I already am!"


Applebloom: "Saaaaaay, bestest sistah in all o'History..."
Applejack: "No, Applebloom, fer tha last time, Ah ain't gonna hire no tattoo artist ta give ya a fake cutie mark!"
Applebloom: "Bummer."
Applebloom: "But actually, Ah was hopin' you might come ta family appreciation day?"
Applejack: "Sorry, kiddo, no can do. There's a very short time interval where tha zap apples can be harvested."
Suddenly! Up in the skies!
Sinister clouds: *gather*
Sinister crows: *fly in formation*
Electricity: *crackles*
Zap Apple Trees: *electric bloom!*
Appljack: "Ahhh. Good ol' farmin'. That's how ye do it."


Applebloom: "Ah'll be embarrassed! Shamed! Disgraced! Mortified! Humiliated!"
Scootaloo: "...Have you been hanging around Twilight lately?"
Applebloom: "Well, more like Ah've been studying extra hard. Don't wanna another lecture from Diamond Tiara's dad."
Applebloom: "But Ah can't even concentrate! Between work an' tha whole public humiliation thang, Ah've been gettin' so much stress, Ah wanna scream!"
Sweetie Belle: "Don't sweat it! We're here to help!"
Scootaloo: "Yeah! The Cutie Mark Crusaders are on the case! When have we ever failed you?"
Applebloom: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"


Granny Smith: *prepares jar for zap apple operation*
Granny Smith: "Listen up, ye maggots! Ye're about ta participate in a delicate mission, an' that means ya cannot crack under pressure!"
Jar: *cracks under pressure*
Granny Smith: "Court-Martial!" [/actual dialog]

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo: *prepare Applebloom for illness-faking operation*
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo: "Listen up, Granny Smith! Applebloom has delicate health, and it has clearly cracked under pressure!"
Granny Smith: *knows a healthy pony when she sees one*
Applebloom: "...So much fer that."


Suddenly! Up in the skies!
Meteor shower: *illuminates*
Electricity: *sparkles*
Zap apple trees: *bear gray fruit*
...Seriously, WTF is up with this stuff?
Sweetie Belle: "Well, there's our solution! If we can't move family appreciation day, we'll move the harvest day instead! Genius!"
Applebloom: "Ah dunno, gals. Them zap apples ain't lookin' ripe ta me."
Scootaloo: "Bah! Harvesting apples early never hurt them."
Applebloom: "..."
Applebloom: "As a member o'tha Apple Clan, Ah am legally required to murderize ya in tha face fer sayin' stupid stuff like that."
Sweetie Belle: "Buck now, deal with legal technicalities later!"
Sweetie Belle: *bucks zap apple tree*
Zap apple tree: "TWO CAN PLAY THIS GAME!"
Zap apple tree: *zaps Sweetie Belle so hard the iron in her blood is now magnetized*
Applebloom: "OK, so we can't buck 'em. Let's pick 'em instead."
Applebloom: *catches zap apple with teeth*
Applebloom: "Ah mean, at ten apples a minute, an' three of us, an' a few dozen trees..."
Applebloom: *can't pull zap apple off branch*
Applebloom: "...Ah think Ah've found two problems with this method."
Scootaloo: *pulls Applebloom*
Sweetie Belle: *pulls Scootaloo*
Zap apple tree: *pulls a catapult move*
CMC: "LOOKS LIKE THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS ARE BLASTING OFF AGAIN!"


Cheerilee: "Granny Smith? I've heard you wanted to see me?"
CMC: *puppeteer the sleeping Granny Smith in an attempt to get her out of family appreciation day*
Cheerilee: "I think I've been scarred for life from seeing this. Whatever it was."

Granny Smith: *paints pink polka dots all over the house*
Suddenly! Up in the skies!
Storm clouds: *you know the drill*
Electricity: *feeds bio-arcanic zap apple trees*
Zap apples: *take rainbow hues*
Wha?
Buh?
I...
Applejack: "Ah think we done broke tha where-I-watcher."
Big Mac: "Eyup."

Scootaloo: "Telegram for you, Granny Smith!"
Granny Smith: "My! Looks like cousin Apple Strudel needs me ta drop by!"
Applebloom: "And Ah've already packed yer stuff! If ye catch tha train, ya can get there in time!"
Granny Smith: "Don't ye worry, Ah'll be back in time ta make tha zap apple jam!" *departs*
Applebloom: "...But not in time for family appreciation day! We did it! I'm saved!"
Sweetie Belle: "Wait. One of our crazy plans worked?"
Scootaloo: "And didn't destroy any neighborhood in the process?"
Sweetie Belle: *sob* "I... I promised myself I wouldn't cry..."
Applebloom: "Whoa. Gals, ya know what this means?"
CMC: "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS SUCCEED AT SOMETHING!"


School!
Cheerilee: "And for this week's family appreciation day, I give you - Granny Smith!"
*cricket chirp*
Applebloom: "Ah'm sorry Miss Cheerillee, mah granny is in another castle. Ah mean, town."
Granny Smith: "Hellooooo, children!"
Applebloom: "THE CRUSADE IS MADE OF SUCK AND FAIL! LIKE THA HISTORICAL CRUSADES!"
Diamond Tiara: "Yes! I have defeated you for all time! You will never rise from the ashes of your shame and humiliation!"
Applebloom: "G-G-Granny Smith?! What are ya doin' here?! Didja miss tha train?!"
Granny Smith: "Nope! It came right on time! And yer uncle Apple Strudel was on board!"
Apple Strudel: "Yodeliho, youngster!"
Applebloom: "Wha...? What are ya doin' in Ponyville at this time o'tha year?!"
Apple Strudel: "I was sent free train tickets. The letter said something weird about wanting to encourage an interest in History among the younger generation."
Applebloom: "WHAT?! Lemme see that letter!"
Letter: "And this is how you properly plot and manipulate. How do you like them apples? Love, GQC."
Applebloom: "What the buck?"

Granny Smith: "Well, foals, time for a li'll story...
[FLASHBACK!]
The Smith family: *hardy pilgrims*
Dr. Smith, botanist: "We shall collect every type o'seed we come across!"
Dr. Smith: "And what better place ta display our findings than tha Canterlot fair?"
His daughter, the hilariously-misnamed "Granny" Smith: "Yay Canterlot!"
God-Queen Celestia: "My, that is quite the impressive seed collection you have gathered. Buuut... From your disheveled looks, I'm not convinced the pilgrim lifestyle is working out for you."
Dr. Smith: "...It could be better."
God-Queen Celestia: "Tell you what: I've got this big Batman Gambit planned a couple generations down the road to deal with an Elder Evil. Thing is, part of the plan requires a city full of extreme personalities right next to the Everfree Forest. I've always felt that forcing anyone to settle next to that deathtrap would be inequine, but in your case, I'm starting to think it would be an actual step up! So... Wanna be landowners?"
Dr. Smith: "Ah'd be honored, yer majesty!" *kisses her hooves*
Mrs. Smith: "Somepony is sleeping outside tonight."

The Smiths: *plant an orchard right next to the Everfree Forest*
Orchard: *grows... at the normal rate for apple trees*
The Smiths: *are almost starving*
Granny Smith, filly of courage: "Well, there be critters in tha deathtrap forest. Ergo, there be food!"
Granny Smith: *explores Everfree Forest*
Granny Smith: *discovers zap apple tree, gathers zap apples*
Timber Wolves: *ambush Granny Smith*
Timber Wolves: *are wolves made of timber. Obviously.*
Everfree Forest: *Is the fucking Bordermarches of the Wyld*
Granny Smith: *runs like frak*
Granny Smith: *clangs metal pots to raise the alarm*
Timber Wolves: *hate that sound, leave*
Granny Smith: "Ah-hah! So that's their Achilles's heel! From now on, whenever we hear them howling, we'll bang pots to scare them away!"

The Smiths: *plant zap apple seeds*
Zap apple seeds: *magically grow into full trees within moments*
Granny Smith: *spends decades using logical inductions to determine best ways to make zap apple jam. Like being extra-friendly to bees, or using polka dots. Magic is weird.*
Zap apple jam: *attracts dozens and hundreds of ponies*
Some of those ponies: *settle into the area - including Stinking Rich, grandfather of Filthy Rich*
Stinking Rich: "Tell you what - I can smell an opportunity here. If you give me your word that you'll sell me the first hundred cans of zap apple jam you make in every harvest... Well, I think I could get some investors to really look into this frontier town."
Granny Smith: "Deal!"
Stinking Rich: "Yayifications!"
[/FLASHBACK!]

Granny Smith: "And that's how Ponyville was made!"
Diamond Tiara: "Ow, my brain!"
Silver Spoon: "That was awesome. I think I cried a little."
Twist: "Your story has inspired me to use my future candy corp to invest in the expansion of Equestria's frontier!"
Sweetie Belle: "Three cheers for Granny Smith!"
Scootaloo: "Hooray for Granny Smith!"
Diamond Tiara: "ARE YOU PONIES NUTS?! She's related to a fail-at-life Crusader! She's a crazy old coot!"
Diamond Tiara: "...Aaaaaand I've just said something I shouldn't have, haven't I?"
Cheerilee: "Ohhhhh yeah."


Applejack: "Zap apple jam! It's tasty! It's awesome! It's electro-powered and magically delicious!"
Applejack: "...So, Applebloom... Family appreciation day went well, Ah trust?"
Applebloom: "There ain't enough yes in that world fer me ta answer this question. Granny Smith is amazin'!"
Applebloom: "...Ah guess Ah just forgot that for a while."
Granny Smith: "Big deal. Ah forget things all tha time."
Granny Smith: "Well then! Who wants ta put on bunny suits and hop over equipment fer tha jam?"
Foals: "Me!" "Me!" "Me!"
Diamond Tiara: "Not me!"
Filthy Rich: "You get hopping, young lady."
Diamond Tiara: "But daddy!"
Filthy Rich: "No buts. You insulted my most loyal supplier. I think it's more than time you learned some respect."
Filthy Rich: "Seriously. Foals these days. Can you imagine a kid running a business? She'd need freaking fairy magic to avoid bankruptcy!"
Filthy Rich: "Hop harder, Diamond Tiara! Capitalism, ho!"

 

[The Froggy Ninja]

Filthy Rich: "No buts. You insulted my most loyal supplier. I think it's more than time you learned some respect."

Click to shrink...

Also probably among the richest families in town given the fact that they're the largest landholders and produce frankly massive amounts of food of such quality that they regularly end up sold out on their higher quality products.

Zap apples: *take rainbow hues*
Wha?
Buh?
I...

Click to shrink...

What do you expect when you stick an order, emotion and narrative aligned Fusion Artifact N/A in a chaos, emotion and narrative (aka Wyld) aligned forest for nine centuries before sendin a Heroic Mortal child Questing into it?

 

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

Applejack: "Ah've checked, an' from tha looks of it, Ah'm quite possibly tha least popular member o'tha Elemental Harmony Squad."

Click to shrink...

Actually, in all seriousness Applejack's tied with Rarity for my favorite of the Mane Six.

God-Queen Celestia: "Tell you what: I've got this big Batman Gambit planned a couple generations down the road to deal with an Elder Evil.

Click to shrink...

If it's her plan to deal with Nightmare Moon, might be the only plan she's had I've approved of.

 

[The Froggy Ninja]

Actually, in all seriousness Applejack's tied with Rarity for my favorite of the Mane Six.

Click to shrink...

Twilight Best Pone and best caste. Honestly though, Applejack is probably a solid fourth place but given how likable all of them are, the individual ranking doesn't really matter.

 

[sun tzu]

[To the tune of the Muppet Babies' theme song:]
Pony babies, some fans' nightmare come true!
Pony babies, now showing on YouTube!

When a pony's kinda weird, and needs more humanity
"Party of One", or this ep here, show her psych's fragility!

Not from Dream Valley!
Not the Movie's brat!
Not Newborn Cuties!
(And thank God for that!)
It is not some fanfic
And no-one's been de-aged
Perhaps not fantastic
But no shark-jumpin' yet
This song isn't quite done
This line doesn't rhyme!

Twilight: "Are you freaking mental?"
Pinkie: "Yes Twilight!"

Pony babies, in this ep coming true!
Pony babies, now showing on YouTube!
Pony, pony, pony, pony
Bay, bay, bay,
Babiiiies!




BABY CAKES



Twilight: "My goodness, can you believe it? Someone we know is reproducing!"
Pinkie Pie: "I'm so excited are you excited I've never been so excited except that time when I was all *GASP* but nothing could-"
Rarity: "Of all the adorable things that could happen, this is the MOST. ADORABLE. THING!"
Mister Cake (Carrot to his friends): "Meet our son, Pound Cake, He Whose Wings, They Are Beautiful."
Elemental Harmony Squad: "D'awwwwwwwwww!"
Mister Cake: "And our daughter, Pumpkin Cake, She Whose Horn Will Pierce The Heavens."
Elemental Harmony Squad: "Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaa?"
Pinkie Pie: "Two new foals for me to play with? Best. Day. Ever!"
Pinkie Pie: "This calls for a party!"
Nurse Redheart: "This calls for a cup of shut up and sit down."
Pinkie Pie: "But! Joy! Parties! Foals!"
Nurse Redheart: "Foals who are trying to sleep. Shut up and sit down."
Pinkie Pie: "What if-"
Nurse Redheart: "Shut up and sit down."
Pinkie Pie: "I just want to-"
Nurse Redheart: "Shut up and sit down."
Pinkie Pie: "Just two sec-"
Nurse Redheart: "Shut up and sit down."
Pinkie Pie: "..."
Pinkie Pie: "Happy Birth-"
Nurse Redheart: "Shut up and sit down way, way over there." *boots Pinkie out*
Applejack: "OK, that was fun ta watch, but Ah just gotta ask... What gives? How did two earth ponies give birth ta a pegasus and a unicorn?"
Mister Cake: "Oh, the missus and I have some feathers and horns up the family tree."
Twilight: "...Thus proving that being a pony of a certain type is encoded by more than a single gene."
Fluttershy: "And more importantly, affirming that Derpy can be Dinky's momma!"
Rainbow Dash: "Heh heh heh...You just wait. Once the kiddo gets his wings going..."
Twilight: "Dash is correct. Pony magic can easily overload in newborn foals."
Rarity: "So expect the precious filly to do six impossible things before breakfast."
Pinkie Pie: *sneaks back toward the babies* "OK, Cake twins, lesson number one: The cake is a fact! The cake-"
Nurse Redheart: "Your flank is about to be terminated."


A month later:
Pinkie Pie: *plays with foals*
Pinkie Pie: "Yay!"
The Cakes: *change the foals*
Pinkie Pie: "Boooooriiiiing..."
The Cakes: *feed the foals*
Pinkie Pie: *snooooore*
The Cakes: *burp the foals*
Pinkie Pie: "Aaaand you're done!"
Pinkie Pie: *plays with the foals*
Mrs. Cake: "Ah ah ah, Pound. Don't live up to your name by breaking your toys!"
Mr. Cake: "Ah ah ah, Pumpkin. No chewing on things that aren't food."
The Cakes: "...Oh noes! The big catering today! We must find a babysitter, pronto!"
Pinkie Pie: "Wait, you want someone to stay with the foals all day long?"
Pinkie Pie: "Ooh, me! Pick me!"
Mrs. Cake: "Oh, whoever could we possibly ask to help?"
Pinkie Pie: "Me! Me! Me!"

Fluttershy: "Um, I'd love to help. I could probably use an opportunity to deal with the trauma from my last baby-sitting jig."
Fluttershy: "...But Angel has been feeling neglected lately, and I've promised to take him on a picnic."
Fluttershy: "Please don't hate me."
Pinkie Pie: "Pick me! Pick me! I can't traumatize children with the Stare!"

The Cakes: "We thought, since you've got experience with Spike..."
Twilight: "Sorry, no can do. I'm writing a hypertext report to her Momjesty indexing all my other reports to her Momjesty."
Spike: "Job... killing me..."
The Cakes: "...So you're insane and slowly destroying the child you've raised. On second thought, never mind."
Pinkie Pie: "Me! Me! I've never been investigated for child labor!"

Applejack: "Babysit? Now?! There's a swarm of caterpillars headed this way! I need to protect my orchard!"
Pinkie Pie: "Me! Pick me! No foal I'm responsible for ever unleashed an ancient magical disease on Ponyville!"

Rainbow Dash: "Sounds boring. No."
Pinkie Pie: "Pick me! Me! I don't think babies are boring! Except when you need to feed, clean, take care, or do anything buy play with them!"

Rarity: "No."
The Cakes: "Uh..."
Rarity: "Because I hate children."
The Cakes: "Ah..."
Rarity: "I'll make an exception for Sweetie Belle. No further. I'm the Exalt of Generosity, not the Exalt of Doormats."
The Cakes: "Crap."
Mrs. Cake: "So... aside from the Elemental Harmony Squad, who do we know who can babysit on a short notice?"
Mr. Cake: "..."
Mrs. Cake: "..."
Mr. Cake: "..."
Mrs. Cake: "...We need to get out more."
Mr. Cake: "Should probably have thought of that before having children, dear."
Pinkie Pie: "Sooooooooooooooo..."
Mr. Cake: *gulps*
Mrs. Cake: *sighs with sad resignation*
The Cakes: "...Pinkie, can you babysit for us?"
Pinkie Pie: "EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeLet me check my schedule."


Mister Cake: "Pinkie, are you absolutely positive that you can handle this?"
Pinkie Pie: "Sure! Easy as Pie! How hard can child-rearing possibly be?"
Mister Cake: "OK, see, this is exactly the kind of comments that has me concerned."
Pinkie Pie: "Chill pill, Cakes! I'm Elemental Harmony Squad! Responsibility is my middle name!"
Mrs. Cake: "Diane isn't pronounced res-pon-si-bility. And didn't you spend most of the Ebon Dragon Crisis drinking chocolate rain?"
Mrs. Cake: "Pinkie, you have to understand that this isn't just about playing with the foals. You need to take care of them."
Pinkie Pie: "No problemo."
Mrs. Cake: "It's a huge responsibility."
Pinkie Pie: "Hakuna matata."
Mrs. Cake: "And it's not fun."
Pinkie Pie: "No habla espanol, senorita."
The Cakes: "Celestiaspeed, Pinkie."
The Cakes: *leave*
Pound and Pumpkin: "..."
Pound and Pumpkin, who can't talk: "WAAAAAA! Our parents are gone! We're orphans now!"
Pinkie Pie: "Uh-oh."
Pinkie Pie: "Um, let's play your favorite game in the world: Peekaboo!"
Pinkie Pie: *hides behind door* "Wheeeeere's Pinkie Pie?"
Pound and Pumpkin: "WAAAAAA! Pinkie's gone too! We're all alone in the vast, uncaring universe!"
Pinkie Pie: "Nonononono! I'mhereI'mhere! Look! Look at me making funny faces!"
Pound and Pumpkin: "WAAAAAA! Pinkie's making fun of us!"
Pinkie Pie: "Laughlaughlaugh make them laugh! I know - stand-up comedy!"
Pinkie Pie: "Soooo! What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhino?"
Pound and Pumpkin: "...?"
Pinkie Pie: "Hell if I know!"
Pound and Pumpkin: "..."
Pinkie Pie: "..."
Pound and Pumpkin: "..."
Pinkie Pie: "See, it's funny because 'Hell if I know' kinda sounds like 'elephant' and 'rhino' mushed together, and..."
Pound and Pumpkin: "WAAAAAA! Pinkie's jokes requires an understanding of language we lack at our current developmental stage!"
Pinkie Pie: "Looks like I have no choice but to pull out the show-stopper! And I don't mean that number the CMC played at the talent show!"
Pinkie Pie: "Behold: The Pig Song! Pigs are comedy gold!"
Pound and Pumpkin: "WAAAAAA! We're too young and cute to lose SAN points!"
Pinkie Pie: "Would this work better if I spoke in faux Fancy and had an abusive relationship with a frog?"
Pinkie Pie: *collides with wall*
Pinkie Pie: *gets covered in flour*
Pinkie Pie: *looks a little like her Dream Valley spiritual ancestor, Surprise*
Pound and Pumpkin: "Yay! Schadenfreude is funny!"
Pinkie Pie: "...Well, necessity is the mother of invention, and desperation is the mother of comedy, I guess."

Pinkie Pie: "Snack time! Eat your nomnoms!"
Pumpkin: *has... discriminating tastes*
Pinkie Pie: "Pumpkin, no! Eat food, not tablecloths!"
Pumpkin: "WAAAAAA! Pinkie's oppressing my culture!"
Pound: *knocks on platter*
Platter: *hits back*
Pound: "WAAAAAA! For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction!"
Pinkie Pie: "...I'm starting to think this babysitting jig might not be my finest moment."
Pinkie Pie: *covers self with flour*
Pound and Pumpkin: "Yay! Repetition is funny!"
Pinkie Pie: "Sigh... If you go San Flankcisco, be sure to wear some flour on your head."

Pinkie Pie: "Bath time!"
Pound and Pumpkin: "Chase time!"
Pinkie Pie: "When I say bath time it means bath time!" *puts the babies together in the bathwater*
Pound and Pumpkin: "WAAAAAA! Pinkie's trying to drown us!"
Pinkie Pie: "Nonononono! Bath time is fun! Look! Bubbles!"
Pound and Pumpkin: "Oooh, pretty!"
Bubble: *pricks itself on Pumpkin's horn and blows up*
Pound and Pumpkin: "WAAAAAA! Beauty in this world is transient and fleeting!"
Pinkie Pie: "Augh! Of all the babies in the world, why did I have to get the ones that cry?"
Pinkie Pie: "Look! Rubber ducky!"
Pound and Pumpkin: "Oooh."
Pinkie Pie: "And more floaty toys! And more! MORE! MORE!!!"
Pound and Pumpkin: "WAAAAAA! Pinkie's trying to bury us alive!"
Pinkie Pie: "...This is about as fun as the time Spikely Whiplash wrecked my place."
Pound: "POUND SMASH!" *smashes faucet*
Smashed faucet: *attacks Pinkie. It's super-effective!*
Pinkie Pie: "Please. I'm begging here. Flour and water do not mix well outside of baking."
Pound and Pumpkin: "WAAAAAA! Emotional inertia is a bitch!"
Pinkie Pie: "Cesar, we whose dignity is about to die salute you." *covers wet self with floor*
Pound and Pumpkin: "Yay! Pinkie's pain is funny!"
Pikie Pie: "This? This is why we can't have nice things."

Pound and Pumpkin: *engage biological warfare*
Pinkie Pie: *starts sounding like Harley Quinn*
Pinkie Pie: *attempts to change the babies*
Pinkie Pie: *can be unfathomably incompetent at times*
Pound and Pumpkin: "Yay! We're surrounded by idiots!"
Suddenly! Doorbell!
Twilight: "Hey there Pinkie! Spike looked like he was going to have a nervous breakdown, so I figured I'd call it a day and come give you a hoof here."
Pinkie Pie: "Thank you! Thank you a thousand times, bestest friend, bestest pony, bestest bester of all bestest times! Thank you! You are best pony!"
Twilight: "Yyyyyeah. I figured, given how much of an incompetent fuck-up you can be at times, you were clearly gonna need my help, and..."
Pinkie Pie: "...Get out."
Twilight: "...No offence intended! Sheesh!"
Pinkie Pie: "I'll show her! I'll show them ALL!"
Pinkie Pie: "All right, maggots, listen up! I don't know why you keep showing up whenever there's a pep talk going on, but I need to talk to the foals, so get outta here!"
Maggots: *leave*
Pinkie Pie: "Pound Cake! THIS. IS. A CRIB! You will cease and desist from all jumping activities right this instant!"
Pinkie Pie: "Pumpkin Cake! Your teeth and saliva are part and parcel of your digestive system, and intended for application only on nutritional items! Stop drooling on that rubber chicken at once!"
Pinkie Pie: "Now, we've had a busy, exciting afternoon, and the Pink(ie Pie) has had all she can take and can take no more! So fall ASLEEP!"
Pound and Pumpkin: *despite being in their crib, disappear the moment they're not observed*
Pinkie Pie: *is about to face a very, very steep learning curve*

Pinkie Pie: "NOOOOO! Where are you? Where have you disappeared to?"
Pinkie Pie: *perceives Pumpkin*
Pinkie Pie: "You stay in your crib, like a good filly, right? Right?"
Pinkie Pie: *is struck by the foreboding feeling of doom that if she looks away from Pumpkin, disaster will strike*

Meanwhile, in Canterlot:
God-Queen Luna: "Sister, it is mine impression that the pink one is about to crack."
God-Queen Celestia: "Nervous breakdowns build character."

Pinkie Pie: *FEAR!*
Pinkie Pie: *ANXIETY!*
Pinkie Pie: *PSYCHOLOGICAL TERROR!*
Pinkie Pie: "...I am not afraid..."
"You will be."
Pound: *is walking on the ceiling, thanks to huge wingpower/mass ratio*
Pinkie Pie: "WHAT THE BUCK!? You can do that!?"
Pinkie Pie: "...Of course you can. Dash even foreshadowed it. Well, get back down this instant!"
Pinkie Pie: *eventually, with significant effort, manages to get a hold of Pound*
Pumpkin: *wants toys*
Pumpkin: *telekinetically obtains toys. And puts them in her mouth*
Pinkie Pie: "This day is full of fuck."
Pinkie Pie: *confiscates toys. And locks them up for good measure*
Pinkie Pie: "AND YOU! You are not allowed to fly! Scootaloo might see you and develop a complex!"
Pinkie Pie: *attempts to catch Pound*
Pinkie Pie: *catches wall instead. With her face.*
Pinkie Pie: "You realize, of course, this means war."
Pinkie Pie: *catches Pound*
Pound: "My youth gives me super-strength!"
Pound: *flies across the house, dragging Pinkie into every possible obstacle*
Pinkie Pie: "How are you DOING this?! It MAKES NO SENSE! You're ignoring the laws of physics like a freaking CARTOON CHARACTER!"
Pumpkin: "Inspired by my sibling, I select to soar the skies!" *lifts own tiny mass with unicorn telekinesis*
Pinkie Pie: "I want my mommy."
Pinkie Pie: "...But I'll settle for the next best thing:"
Codename Pink: *traps babies with improvised cage*
Codename Pink: "It's OVER, agent Cake! You cannot escape!"
Pumpkin: "Silly filly." *uses magic to phase her way through*
Pinkie Pie: "JKGZCJNPXTGQ!"
Pound: "Youthful energy sneers at physical obstacles!" *breaks free of cage*
Pinkie Pie: "Something... leaking through my ears. Not sure if blood or brains."
Pound: *flies around room*
Pumpkin: "Libertad! Libertad! Libertad!" *telekinetically liberates toys*
Pinkie Pie: "..................................."
Pinkie Pie: "I....I......I..........."
Pinkie Pie: "WWWW........"
Pinkie Pie: "WAAAAAA! I CAN'T TAKE IT! I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Pound and Pumpkin: "Awww..."
Pound and Pumpkin: *cover selves in flour*
Pinkie Pie: "...You can take it and you can dish it. There may yet be hope for the next generation of comedians."


"Dear God-Queen Celestia, today I've learned that wanting responsibility and being fit for responsibility are two very different things. But you deal with politicians, so you're probably rolling your eyes and saying 'well duh' right now."

Mister Cake: "Holy manure, you actually managed to handle this? I'm impressed!"
Mrs. Cake: "Pinkie, would you be interested in doing this more often?"
Pinkie Pie: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Pound, who's learning to talk: "Pinkie."
Pumpkin, who's also learning: "Pie."
Pinkie Pie: "...Yes."
Mister Cake: "One month old, and already making Pinkie their bitch. Are we proud of them or what?"

 

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

BABY CAKES

Click to shrink...

This is one of my favorite episodes of the series, and my second-favorite Pinkie Pie one. Two things mar it for me... and both have to do with idiotic reactions from the fandom, not the episode itself.

1. That the foals were a unicorn and pegasus was taken as PROOF that Missus Cake had been cheating on Mister Cake!

2. As you noted, Dash, Rarity and Twilight talked about newborns like the twins having magic surges. Later on... the twins have magic surges. A perfectly-fired Chekhov's gun... that half the folks watching the episode missed out on and complained about. Ugh...

 

[Arawn_Emrys]

This is one of my favorite episodes of the series, and my second-favorite Pinkie Pie one. Two things mar it for me... and both have to do with idiotic reactions from the fandom, not the episode itself.

1. That the foals were a unicorn and pegasus was taken as PROOF that Missus Cake had been cheating on Mister Cake!

2. As you noted, Dash, Rarity and Twilight talked about newborns like the twins having magic surges. Later on... the twins have magic surges. A perfectly-fired Chekhov's gun... that half the folks watching the episode missed out on and complained about. Ugh...

Click to shrink...

I've actually seen more stuff suggesting that the twins were caused by leftover effects of Discord's reality fuckery than stuff suggesting adultery.

 

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

I've actually seen more stuff suggesting that the twins were caused by leftover effects of Discord's reality fuckery than stuff suggesting adultery.

Click to shrink...

Hmm, really? I'd prefer that, to be honest. Although it being genetics/random chance like it's laid out in the episode is what I really go with.

 

[sun tzu]

1. That the foals were a unicorn and pegasus was taken as PROOF that Missus Cake had been cheating on Mister Cake!

Click to shrink...

To be fair to the unobservant fans who thought that, the expression on Mister Cake when he goes "that makes sense, right?" was clearly the writers having fun by not quite suggesting infidelity. I'm pretty sure neither Cake was cheating on the other, but I get why some could get that impression.

 

[sun tzu]

God-Queen Luna: "Well-met, sister dear. What is thy business on this fine day? We had hoped that thou couldst spare a-"
God-Queen Celestia: "English, sis."
God-Queen Luna: "Right, right. Gotta get into this modern dialect."
God-Queen Celestia: "Really, it's a lot closer to what we originally spoke than the dialect from before your banishment, you know."
God-Queen Luna: "Is it, now? I suppose I'll take your word for it."
God-Queen Celestia: "It's cyclical, really. The academics derive some influence from all those books we imported, and it trickles into everyday language. Still, do you really not remember English classes with Mrs. Delaine, Molly?"
God-Queen Luna: "Carnage and pain oh God they're all dead no not the flutter ponies why why WHY-"
God-Queen Celestia: "It's fine! It's fine! Everything will be fine, Luna! The bad guys are gone!"
God-Queen Luna: "Ah... Right, right, sorry, I'm so sorry..."
God-Queen Celestia: "Goddammit, PTSD sucks."
God-Queen Luna: "...Yeah. It does."
God-Queen Celestia: "But there are parts that you can remember that aren't all triggery, correct?"
God-Queen Luna: "...A few. I can still remember most of our old friends, at least. Fizzy was really nice, wasn't she?"
God-Queen Celestia: "That she was. And smarter than I think most people gave her credit for."
God-Queen Luna: "Heh, yes."
God-Queen Celestia: "As a matter of fact, I've recently studied genealogy a bit. Obviously, after so many generations, everyone from back then is the ancestor of almost anyone currently living, but some bloodlines converge. There's a lot of the old Twilight in my faithful student, for instance. And you know about Applejack."
God-Queen Luna: "Hm. What about Shady?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Oh dear... Well, there's this gray pegasus in Ponyville..."



THE LAST ROUNDUP



Applejack: *practices her athletics*
Applebloom: "Try to be best! 'Cause you're only a mare! And a mare's gotta learn to take it! Try to believe, though the going gets rough, that you gotta hang tough to make it!"
Applejack: *Eye of the Manticore*
Applebloom: "You're the best! Arouuund! No-one's ever gonna keep you down!"
Applejack: *kicks flank*
Applebloom: "Fight! Till you drop! Never stop! Can't give up! Till you reach theeee top!"
Applejack: *best rodeo athlete in town*
Applebloom: "That was awesome! Yer guaranteed ta rank numbah one at tha Rodeolympics!"
Applejack: "Ah appreciate yer faith in me, li'll sis."
Applebloom: "Hey! Mebbe me an' tha rest o'tha CMC should come and watch ya! Cute Mark Crusaders Cheer-"
Applejack: "NOOOO! Ah mean, y'all gals need ta stay in class fer now."


Rainbow Dash: "Well! Looks like preparations for the ceremony are almost..."
Rainbow Dash: *almost gets fried with lightning*
Rainbow Dash: "GODDAMMIT DERPY! Careful where you point that cloud! I don't want to end up like city hall!"
City Hall: *ended badly. With a fried roof.*
Derpy Hooves: "Sorry about that. I have no idea how that..."
Derpy Hooves: *electrocutes self with cloud*
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "How do you do these things?!"
Derpy Hooves: "It's not my fault! The doctor said I was suffering from fanon overload!"
Derpy Hooves: *accidentally knocks down pillar*
Rainbow Dash: *valiant but futile attempt to stand up to Derpy's entropy aura*
Rainbow Dash: "...Goddammit, Derpy."
Derpy Hooves: "Sorry! Need a hoof?"
Rainbow Dash: "NOOOO! For Celestia's sake, don't do anything! Just sit quietly while the adults handle it!"
Derpy Hooves: *sits*
Derpy Hooves: *crashes through the floor for absolutely no reason*

Meanwhile, back in Canterlot:
God-Queen Luna: "...OK, that wasn't Shady levels of bad. That was Woe Begone levels of bad. Are there any curse-happy witches in modern Equestria?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Not really. Remember, since we rebooted magic, there's no such thing as curses anymore."


Mayor Mare: "Everypony! We are gathered here to honor our municipal heroine (and national heroine, but nopony cares about that)! I give you - Mare Do-W I mean Applejack!"
Applejack: *can't be Mare Do-Well. Applejack sells apples. Mare Do-Well doesn't sell apples. If Applejack didn't sell apples, she'd have no money with which to live*
Applejack: "Thank y'all, thank y'all! Yer far too kind!"
Mayor Mare: "We would like to not only wish you luck as Ponyville's representative at the Rodeolympics, Applejack, but also thank you in advance for donating the prize money for the city hall repairs!"
Derpy Hooves: "Three cheers for Applejack! Hip hip, owie! Hip hip, ouch! Hip hip, no not the faaaace!" *continues unbroken string of accidents*
Rainbow Dash: "...and people wonder why I want to spend as little time as possible on the job."
Applejack: "Think nothin' o'it! This town here has always stood bah me, and Ah'll always stand by it! Ah promise, Apple Clan honor, ta make y'all proud!"

At Ponyville's train station:
Applejack: "Well, looks like it's time ta go. See y'all in a week, with lotsa numbah one medals!"
Granny Smith: "Show 'em all what a real rodeo champ is like!"
Mayor Mare: "Bring in all that money! I can't keep using the CMC clubhouse as my office forever!"
Pinkie Pie: "And have fun!"
Mayor Mare: "And bring in all that money! Yesterday they decided they were all Cutie Mark Crusaders Pencil Pushers!"
Twilight: "Just do your best, Applejack."
Mayor Mare: "And bring in all that money! I can't take it much longer! I just can't! It's like herding cats and babysitting rolled into one!"
Twilight: "...Seriously, mayor, why is money such an issue? Wasn't town hall insured?"
Mayor Mare: "Oh, Twilight. Ponyville's bordering on the Everfree Forest. Everything is insured."
Twilight: "So...?"
Mayor Mare: "Between the parasprites, the ursa minor, the CMC, the new hills, the Smooze incident, the rampaging dragon...Well, our current insurer has gone bankrupt."
Mayor Mare: "God-Queen Celestia usually forces insurance companies to cover us as penalty for financial frauds and misdemeanors."
Twilight: "Ah. That explains why Filthy Rich thinks insurance salesmen jokes are funny."


One week later!
At the barn, the Elemental Harmony Squad and the members of the Apple Clan who could make it are preparing a surprise welcome party for Applejack.
Twilight: "Everypony, hush down! I think she's coming!"
Pinkie Pie: "Warming up my lips!" *weirdest warmup ever*
Applebloom: "...You're weird. Has anyone ever told you that? You're weird."
The Door: *Opens!*
Everypony: "SURPRISE!"
Postal worker: "Wow! Best day ever! How did you all know this was my birthday?"
Twilight: "Thank you, soulless NPC. You may go now." *takes letter and slams door*
Postal worker: "Darn." *is disgruntled*
Pinkie Pie: "NOW you can go!" *gives him cake*
Postal worker: "This day is having its ups and downs."
Twilight: "Now let's see what this is all about..."
Letter from Applejack: "Dear family and friends: Not coming back to Ponyville. Don't worry, will send money soon."
"WHAT?!"
Rainbow Dash: "That makes even less sense than that chess game between Pinkie and Derpy!"
Pinkie Pie: "Actually, that was Calvinball."
Rainbow Dash: "Whatever! Point is, Applejack loves Ponyville!"
Granny Smith: "And Sweet Apple Acre!"
Applebloom: "And her family!"
Twilight: "And bureaucracy!"
Rarity: "That's just you, Twilight."
Rarity: "Still, all the others are correct. Something dreadful must have happened to her!"
Twilight: "Like not winning the Rodeolympics?"
Fluttershy: "She must be scared! Or sad! Or startled!"
Twilight: "From not winning the Rodeolympics?"
Rainbow Dash: "Well, whatever it is, we're gonna get her back!"
Twilight: "Despite her not winning the Rodeolympics!"
Rainbow Dash: "...could you please stop implying that my number one athletic rival lost to somepony else?"
Twilight: "Hey, it's the likeliest explanation and you know it."
Twilight: "Elemental Harmony Squad - MARCH! We've got ourselves a comrade to find and rescue!"
Big Mac: *sob* "It's like the Manehattan thing all over again!"


[To the tune of "Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego":]
Well she sneaks around the world from Ponyville to Canterlot
She was at the rodeo, but ain't no-one seen her since
Is her no-show's the result of some dastardly bad guy plot?
Tell me where in the world is Applejack the pony?

Rainbow Dash: "Celestiadammit, our only lead is into a frontier town like Dodge Junction? If we can't find her here, we're screwed! I don't want to return to Ponyville empty-hooved after we've promised to find her!"
Twilight: "Probably like she didn't want to return to Ponyville empty-hooved after promising to win the Rodeolympics."
Rainbow Dash: "Oh sod of."

Welcome to Dodge Junction! Population: The ponies who were smart enough to avoid the bison migration paths!
Twilight: "All right, girls. We need to be methodical about this. We need to cover every inch of this town. I have, using a map of the city and advanced mathematics, calculated an optimal search pattern for..."
Pinkie Pie: "Found her!"
Twilight: "Dear God-Queen Celestia, today I have learned that friendship will often be the only thing keeping you from murdering certain ponies."
Rarity: "Applejack! Thank goodness!"
Fluttershy: "You're OK! Yay! ...That wasn't too loud, I hope?"
Rainbow Dash: "So, care to explain what's up with the disappearing act?"
Applejack: "Ah... Well, actually..."
Cherry Jubilee: "Oh hello there, Applejack. Are these your Ponyville friends?"
Applejack: "Ah, yeah. Hey there, Cherry Jubilee."
Rainbow Dash: "Hey! Aren't you the winner of last year's 'Equestria's hottest madame' contest?"
Cherry Jubilee: "It's nice being recognized."
Rarity: "!"
Twilight: "Wait. Rainbow Dash, how would you even know about that?"
Rainbow Dash: "...The answer to that question is not relevant to our problem in any way whatsoever kthxbai."
Cherry Jubilee: "Anyway, I met Applejack at the Rodeolympics. Never before have I seen a pony earn so many medals."
Applejack: "Oh shucks... There's really no need to get into that, ma'am..."
Cherry Jubilee: "Aw, she's so modest!" *holds Applejack's chin*
Rarity: "!!!"
Cherry Jubilee: "She was such a breathtaking sight. That golden mane flowing in the breeze, those powerful muscles at work..."
Rarity: "!!!!!!!"
Cherry Jubilee: "So, when she told me she needed a change of scenery, I was only too happy to put her to work. I can always use a pony with quick hooves and a strong back!"
Rarity: "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Rarity: "You hired Applejack as a a a a a a a a a a a a..."
Cherry Jubilee: "What, that? Nah, I only run those places as a hobby. My real job is running the cherry business that feeds this town."
Rarity: "...Not sure if relieved or disappointed."
Cherry Jubilee: "Speaking of which, I must get back to work. Have fun catching up with your friends, Applejack!" *departs*
Applejack: "...Yeah. That'll happen."
Rainbow Dash: "Change of scenery, huh?! AJ, you got some 'splaining ta do!"
Applejack: "...I wanted a change of pace from apples and jumped on the opportunity? End of story?"
Pinkie Pie: "That's a really crappy story."
Rarity: "And an even crappier lie. Brainwashed or not, you're never very convincing while being dishonest, sweetie."
Applejack: "Ask me no questions an' I'll tell ya no lies."
Rainbow Dash: "Like buck! We didn't search across Equestria, catch Carmane Sandiego, find Waldo, find Derpy, and come all the way here just for you to pull this manure!"
Applejack: "Tough luck! Ah've got nothing else to say, and Ah ain't comin' back ta Ponyville." *departs*
Twilight: "Girls... You realize, of course, this means war."


Cherry Jubilee: "All right, Applejack. You just put in the horsepower to keep the machinery going, while the cherry-pickers separate the red cherries from the yellow ones."
Applejack: "Sure thing, ma'am. Who are the cherry-pickers today?"
Cherry Jubilee: "Funny you should ask!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "Hiya!"
Applejack: "WHA?! What in tarnation are you gals doin' here?!"
Rarity: "Why, Applejack! If some girls wish to discover the joy of working with fruits, what is so wrong with it?"
Applejack: "Of all the... Fine! But no talking about Ponyville!"
Rainbow Dash: "Quit talking and get walking!"
Applejack: 0.3 Horsepowers.
Elemental Harmony Squad: *separate cherries*
Twilight: "Speaking of things that aren't Ponyville, how was Canterlot?"
Applejack: "GRRR... Canterlot was fine."
Twilight: *no longer at her post*
Twilight: "And how were the Rodeolympics?"
Applejack: 0.5 Horsepowers.
Applejack: "Peachy-keen-dandy!"
Twilight: "Did you meet anypony interesting there?"
Applejack: "Some."
Rainbow Dash: *no longer at her post* "Ooh! Ooh! How about Wild Bull Hicclop? Or Calamity Mane?"
Applejack: "...Saw 'em both."
Rainbow Dash: *fangirl*
Applejack: *not in the mood*
Rarity: *no longer at her post* "And how did you make the acquaintance of Miss Jubilee?"
Applejack: 0.9 Horsepowers.
Applejack: "...She had a stand at tha Rodeolympics. Ah bought an' ate a lot o'her cherry-based products. We struck a conversation, bein' orchard folks an' all."
Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie: *can't do the sorting work alone*
Twilight: "So I assume you told her about your family's orchard?"
Applejack: "...Yes."
Rainbow Dash: "And did you tell her why you're hiding here in a town in the middle of the freaking desert?!
Applejack: 1.5 Horsepowers.
Applejack: "No, because it was none of her business! Wink wink nudge nudge, you jerkass!"
Rainbow Dash: "One time! One time I made it rain on you! One time!"
Applejack: 2.3 Horsepowers.
Applejack: "THAT HAD NUTHIN' TA DO WITH IT!"
Fluttershy: "H-help."
Twilight: "Did you feel insulted by my repeated attempts to teach you basic math?"
Applejack: 3.3 Horsepowers.
Applejack: "NO!"
Pinkie Pie: "My precious cherries! My poor little babies! I'm responsible for you!"
Rarity: "Was it because you felt insulted when I insulted your hair?"
Applejack: Way too many bucking Horsepowers!
Applejack: "NO NO NO! Stop questioning me already and-"
Fluttershy: "STOOOOOOP!"
Applejack: 0 Horsepowers. At once. Oops.
Applejack: *dies messilly as the cherries strike her*
Twilight: "No, wait, I think she's still alive."
Applejack: "Wish Ah could say tha same fer mah dignity. Ah'm goin' out."

Twilight: "Well, that didn't work. She's still not copping to her Rodeolympics defeat. Looks like a change in tactics is required."
Rainbow Dash: "We're being too bucking nice! That's the problem here!"
Rarity: "Agreed. Desperate times call for more ruthless forms of social-fu. I may have to whine a little."
Rainbow Dash: "Whoa whoa whoa! No need to be so drastic! We want to get our friend back, not make her hate us forever!"
Rainbow Dash: "But! We've got the perfect weapon right here!"
Pinkie Pie: "Oooh! This is my jam!"


Applejack: *out cherrybucking*
Pinkie Pie: "Hiya! Need some help?"
Applejack: "...So long as you promise not to ask any questions."
Pinkie Pie: "I promise! Say, that reminds of the time I promised God-Queen Celestia to brutally disembowels anypony who criticized her glorious rule. Then I realized that made no sense because I don't disembowel ponies, and God-Queen Celestia isn't mean, and nopony criticizes her rule anyway, and come to think of it I don't think I've ever disemboweled anything that wasn't a pony either, so I guess I'm just not a very disembowely kinda person, but anyway, I realized things made no sense, so either it was my fault or it was a dream, so I tried to imagine a chocolate rain, and it started happening, so either it was a dream or the Ebon Dragon was out again, but that would be a really funny coincidence if he broke out and did it at the exact same moment I thought of it, but coincidences can be really funny, you know? Like that time I played Calvinball with Derpy, and when I finished digesting all her pawns and figured I should have used a chocolate chessboard, I realized we both had the exact same score, so our game was actually a tie, which was kind of funny because it's weird we use the same word for a draw as we use for making knots, and actually, knot is a funny word, especially when it's plural, and I think I could say knots all day if..."
Applejack: "MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!"
Rainbow Dash: "BWAHAHA! The only way to escape, Miss Jack, is by revealing all your dirty secrets!"
Applejack: "Ah'm not givin' ya a comprehensive list o'Big Mac's past girlfriends an' his likes and dislikes fer each o'em!"
Rainbow Dash: "I meant by revealing why you're refusing to come home."
Applejack: "NEVAH!"
Pinkie Pie: "...and there are yarn knots, and ponyrope knots, and granny knots, and shroud knots, and freedom knots..."
Applejack: "AH'LL TALK! AH'LL TALK!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "About time! Spill!"
Applejack: "...Ah'm kinda exhausted. How about I tell you tomorrow at breakfast?"
Rainbow Dash: "Do we look like idiots?"
Applejack: "Says tha gal with tha rainbow mullet."
Pinkie Pie: "Do you pinkie-promise?"
Applejack: "...Cross mah heart an' hope ta fly, stick a cupcake in mah eye."
Pinkie Pie: "Good enough for me!"
Rainbow Dash: "So, about that Big Mac list..."


The next morning:
Twilight: "Well! We had to harass, persecute, and torture like so many Pinkie Bauers, but I guess it'll all be worth it if we finally get some answers!"
Rainbow Dash: "That's a big if, Twilight."
Pinkie Pie: "Don't be silly! Applejack pinkie-promised to tell us everything at breakfast, and it's breakfast! She-"
Applejack: *is already gone*
Pinkie Pie: "..."
Pinkie Pie: "..."
Pinkie Pie: "..."
Pinkipocalypse Pie: "THERE WILL BE BLOOD!"

At the train station:
Applejack: "C'mon c'mon c'mon why must the train always be on time would it kill ya ta be early just this once-"
Pinkipocalypse Pie: "APPLEJACK! You have diluted the Pinkie brand! Your fate shall be sub-optimal!"
Applejack: "Ack! Mayday! Mayday!"
Applejack: *jumps on a 4-horse stage coach*
Applejack: "Time ta get the heck outta Dodge!"
Applejack's stage coach: *accelerates*
Pinkipocalypse Pie: "The Betrayer's blood is getting away! While still contained within her body! This cannot stand!"
Twilight: "Fear not! Her narrativium-powered stage coach will not stop us - we have narrativium of our own!" *points at unused horse-drawn carriage*
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy: *pull*
Twilight, Rarity, and Pinkipocalypse Pie: *ride*
Silly rabbit: *stands in the way*
Fluttershy: "ACK!"
Rainbow Dash: "Sheesh. Some ponies."
Elemental Harmony Squad: *is gaining ground*
Pinkipocalypse Pie: "Face your doom like a mare, Oathbreaker!"
Applejack, to the coach stallions: "Ah'll pay ya double if ya outrun them!"
Twilight: "We'll pay you triple to slow down!"
Applejack: "Ah'll quadruple it fer leavin' 'em in that dust!"
Applejack: "...Quadruple comes after triple, right?"
Pinkipocalypse Pie: "I don't care what it takes! GET THEM!"
Rainbow Dash: "Right! Let's show those guys what speed really means!"
Fluttershy: "Um, can you show them while I watch? From a safe distance?"
Rarity: "You know...It has just occurred to me that, if we were to lose Applejack and her friendship because we weren't fast enough, the Ebon Dragon would surely find it rather amusing."
Fluttershy: "That big! Dumb! Meanie! UTTER FLUTTER FURY!"
Pinkipocalypse Pie: *jumps onto stage coach*
Pinkipocalypse Pie: "APPLEJACK! You have broken the sacred pinkie promise! Your sins must be purged in blood or apologies!"
Applejack: "Ah didn't break no promise!"
Pinkie Pie: "Bwuh?"
Applejack: "Ah said Ah would tell ya everything over breakfast. But Ah wasn't at tha breakfast. Ah couldn't. Ah couldn't tell y'all what really happened back there. Ah'm sorry, but Ah can't."
Pinkie Pie: "Well, I guess that's sort of an apology..."
Pinkie Pie: "Wait! If you pinkie promised to tell us at breakfast and then didn't show up for breakfast, doesn't that mean you did break your pro-"
Applejack: "Hey, look at tha sun."
Pinkie Pie: "Ooh, shiny!"
Pinkie Pie: *loses balance*
Pinkie Pie: *falls on Rarity*
Pinkie and Rarity: *fall on the ground*
Twilight: "Turn back! We have to catch them!"
Rainbow Dash: "They knew what they were getting into!"
Twilight: "...And thus does the Element of Loyalty leave behind an Element of Laughter who was in no mood for humor because of the lies of the Element of Honesty. Truly, this is the high point of our squad's history."
Train: *about to cross their path*
Applejack: "GET THAR BEFORE THA TRAIN DOES!"
Coach stallions: "Pony what."
Applejack: "FASTER!"
Stage coach: *just barely manages to not get crushed by train*
Applejack: "YEEHAW! Perfect victory!"
Coach stallions: "Fuck you, lady, we're outta here."
Applejack: "Shoot."
Coach stallions: "We'll mail you our bill." *depart*
Applejack: "Double-shoot!"
Applejack: "...But at least those moeddlin' kids won't be able ta get ta me past that train!"
Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash: *Fly the carriage with Twilight above the train*
Applejack: "...Fucking pegasi powers."
Rainbow Dash: "END OF THE ROAD, JACKSTER!"
Rainbow Dash: *tacles Applejack*
Applejack's medals: *fall on the ground*
Applejack: "..."
Applejack: "Fine. Now you know."
Twilight: "What, that all these medals are for 2nd place, 3rd, 4th, but none for 1st? That you didn't get any prize money?"
Applejack: "Ah was such an idiot. Ah thought that because Ah was always scorin' first in Ponyville, Ah was some invincible athlete. Ah was just tha big fish in tha small pond! Tha Rodeolympics had champs from all over Equestria, an' Ah didn't place 1st in any contest!"
Twilight: "And you couldn't face the thought of returning to Ponyville without the money you'd promised, so you decided to try and earn it here, completely neglecting the impact your absence would have on the finances of Sweet Apple Acre, because you suck at math."
Applejack: "Well, that too... But that was not why Ah left."
Twilight: "Oh? Enlighten us then."
Applejack: "Ah left 'cause... 'cause it was mah time ta go, and that was tha least painful way."
Rainbow Dash: "Beg your pardon?"
Applejack: "Don't y'all see? Ah've stopped gettin' focus episodes. Applebloom an' Granny Smith are likelier than me ta get 'em these days. That friggin' Family Appreciation Day episode barely mentioned me!"
Applejack: "Ah thought, mebbe mah episode's comin' in later. Then tha Rodeolympics came, an' Ah figured, this was gonna be mah focus. But nothin' happened. Ah kept doin' well, but not well enough ta succeed. Ah made no plot-worthy encounters. Ya galls didn' show up fer some convoluted reason or another. And then Ah realized, tha whole Rodeolympics had happened offscreen. Ah wasn't relevant no more."
Applejack: "And then it hit me: Derpy had gotten real, honest-to-goodness lines just before Ah left. Derpy. Derpy, who gets more love and fanart than Ah, no matter what Ah do. Derpy, who can drive the fans wild just by havin' a silent cameo, while Ah can only bore 'em ta sleep."
Applejack: "Didja notice Derpy ain't never told a single lie in this show? Well, Ah noticed then, an' that's when tha awful truth landed on me: Ah had been demoted ta extra. Ah was no longer a main character. They were goin' ta give in ta fanservice, an' take tha ultra-popular Derpy, an' give her mah job as tha new Element o' Honesty."
Applejack: "That could only happen if Ah died, or if Ah could no longer do tha job. So, Ah accepted Ah had ta leave town, mebbe even tell a lie or two, but just avoid Ponyville like it was some Hellmouth located next ta tha Everfree Forest or somethin'."
Applejack: "An' now you know."
Twilight: "AJ..."
Applejack: "..."
Twilight: "...that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
Applejack: "Beg yer pardon?"
Twilight: "AJ, think: Over the past 24 hours, you've participated in a hilarious 'I Love Lucy' tribute with us, driven Pinkie even more insane than usual, and had a Celestia-damned stage coach chase scene."
Applejack: "Ya mean..."
Applejack: "...This here is an episode?"
Applejack: "A focus episode? Fer me?"
Twilight: "Correct."
Applejack: "Ah, Ah'm still a main character? Ah'm not bein' replaced with Derpy?"
Rainbow Dash: "Well I hope not! I don't need that kind of headache!"
Twilight: "Oh, AJ. As if some ascended fanon fanservice character could ever replace a fleshed out, 3-dimensional pony like you!"
Fluttershy: "We still need you to be team mom, you know!"
Applejack: "But... But... Ah still owe the mayor that money fer fixin' town hall..."
Fluttershy: "Oh, Applejack... Fixing a hole in that roof will be far easier than fixing a hole in our heart."
Rainbow Dash: "I'M NOT CRYING! I've JUST GOT SOME EMOTION IN MY EYES!"


Applejack: "Dear God-Queen Celestia: Ah've learned that you shouldn't run away from yer problems, and ye shouldn't assume yer a goner till it's over."
Applejack: "Ah also think Mayor Mare has learned tha joys of camping out. Namely, she's learned that she finds no joy in it. At all. Any suggestions?"
Applejack: "An' Ah can't help think we've all been forgettin' somethin'. Somethin' dark an' terrible."

Meanwhile, on the railroad track. Two ponies are using a handcar.
Pinkie Pie: "...and then I heard knots are also a measure of speed, which is extra funny 'cause it's so random, and I thought, why not start measuring everything with random stuff? So you could measure distance in sporks, time in fish, and weight in rainbows, and by the way what's up with Rainbow Dash's mane, I mean does she dye it or is it natural, and why does the word dye sound so much like die, I mean I'm sure that causes a lot of confusion and..."
Rarity: "Keep talking, Pinkie."
Rarity: "Never stop talking."
Rarity: "Grant silence not a single second."
Rarity: "For your words, they power the Rage Engine within me."
Rarity: "It is that Rage Engine that, inexorably, drives me forward."
Rarity: "Toward my destination."
Rarity: "Toward my goal."
Rarity: "My goal: TO FORCE-FEED YOU RAINBOW DASH'S ENTRAILS!"

 

[The Froggy Ninja]

Remember, since we rebooted magic, there's no such thing as curses anymore.

Click to shrink...

At the time Twilight said that she also said that potions and incantations were fake. The Crystal Empire, Trixie, Rarity and Trixie again beg to differ.

 

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

God-Queen Luna: "Carnage and pain oh God they're all dead no not the flutter ponies why why WHY-"

Click to shrink...

You know, there's no need to make Discord any more evil than he already was.

 

[sun tzu]

God-Queen Celestia: *writing a letter* "No, Mimic, do not bother telling anyone at this stage. Believe me, I've considered it, but it would only cause a paradox."
God-Queen Celestia: *reading a letter*
God-Queen Celestia: *writing a letter* "What I need you to do is write a letter to my earlier self, from right after the banishment. Explain what details you could see of the Elemental Harmony Squad's quest, and I will be able - was able - to handle the rest."
God-Queen Celestia: *reading a letter*
God-Queen Celestia: *writing a letter* "Oh, Mimic. Don't worry. No-one's expecting you to know everything. I doubt any mind in Dream Valley or Earth could handle omniscience to begin with. Just do your best with what you know..."
Fancy Pants: "Your Majesty?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Ah, Fancy Pants! Fashionably early, aren't we?"
Fancy Pants: "Guilty as charged, my friend. I'm afraid I've caught you while you're still busy?"
God-Queen Celestia: "No problem. I was merely conversing with a friend in Dream Valley."
Fancy Pants: "...Beg your pardon?"
God-Queen Celestia: "She was gifted with a certain degree of precognition, hence the anachronistic nature of our exchanges. It requires some mental gymnastics to keep straight, but it has been more than a little informative."
Fancy Pants: "I do not suppose she happens to have any stock tips?" *chuckles*
God-Queen Celestia: "Oh, no need for precognition there. Common sense alone ought to tell you to invest in magitech companies nowadays. Just... avoid the robber barons."
Fancy Pants: "That goes without saying."



THE SUPER SPEEDY CIDER SQUEEZY 6000



Fluttershy: *mumbles in her sleep* "Yesssh... That's a good filly..."
Rainbow Dash: "WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!"
Fluttershy: "I WASN'T DREAMING ABOUT TURNING EVERYONE INTO FOALS TO MAKE THEM MORE APPROACHABLE!"
Rainbow Dash: "Whatever! Get out of bed and get going!"
*flight approaching mach 1*
Fluttershy: "Um, where are we going? And why are we going there before sunrise?"
Rainbow Dash: "Because it's Cider Season! And every goddamn year, Pinkie Pie finishes the cider before I can get any! Well, not this year! This time, me and my oldest friend are gonna be there at opening time, and get as much cider as we want, and even save some for later so I can drink it sloooooowly right in front of her and drink her TEARS! Gimme an S! Gimme a C! Gimme an H! Gimme an A! Gimme a D! Gimme a..."
The entire freaking town: *is camping before the Apple family's cider stand*
Rainbow Dash: "Gimme a Celestiadamn explanation!"
Pinkie Pie: "Hiya Dash! I had this brilliant idea - camp here for cider! Then I told everyone in town about it, and they agreed it sounded fun! So everypony's already in line for their cider!"
Rainbow Dash: "Friends don't murder friends... Friends don't murder friends... Friends don't murder friends..."


Applejack: "All righty then, everypony! Cider Season is open!
Cider: *sells faster than a Vinyl Scratch record*
Rainbow Dash: "Oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please...."
Cider: *runs out*
Rainbow Dash: "OH COME ON!"
Applejack: "Sorry everypony - looks like that'll be it fer taday!"
Rainbow Dash: "Goddammit Jack! Same manure every bucking year! You always run out!"
Caramel: "Year after year after year after year after year!"
Applejack: "No helpin' it, folks. We did everythin' we could ta improve supplies this year..."
Caramel: "Like, say, getting more farmhands to help out?"
Applejack: "...almost everythin' we could. But Apple family cider is a work o'love an' integrity. We prioritize quality over quantity. Can't rush perfection an' all that."
Rainbow Dash: "Sorry, Jack, but your cider's quality means didly squat to ponies who don't get to drink it!"
Pinkie Pie: "Oh, Dash. AJ is right, you know. You can't rush perfection. Like, those ten-twenty mugs of cider I bought? That was perfection. Nothing else could possibly compare. And now they're gone forever... But my memory, my memory of their perfection LIVES ON."
Rainbow Dash: "That's it."
Rainbow Dash: "Everything's going to go rainboom."
But then!
A miraculous distraction appears!

[To the tune of "Zack the Lego Maniac":]
I know these two bros, Flim and Flam
They love to scheme they love to scam
So taste their drinks and say goddamn
This stuff could sell one bit per gram

Flim! Flam!
Their machine's more than a sham!
Flim! Flam!
Their machine's more than a sham!

Flim Flam brothers, unicorn salesponies: *drive weird magitech machine*
Flim Flam bros: *knock over over farm fence*
Granny Smith: "Yer lucky Ah believe lawsuits are fer pansies."
Flim Flam bros: "Greetings, Ponyville! We are The Great and Powerful Flim Flam Brothers! Behold the newest, swankiest of magitech wonders - the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000!"
Twilight: "Alliteration. Nice."
Flim Flam bros: "This miraculous device revolutionizes the cider industry! Put apples in, get cider out - with a production speed more than sufficient to satisfy an entire community like this one!"
Ponies: "Yay industrial revolution!"
Flim Flam bros: "Ma'am, mind if we borrow some apples for our demonstration?"
Applejack: "Uh, sure, go ahead."
Flim Flam bros: *get apples in the SSCS6000*
Applejack: "...Ya'll be returnin' them apples ye done borrowed, right?"
Granny Smith: "Hold it right there, ye singin' derps! Ah don't care how fancy-schmancy yer fancy-schmancy machine is, it canna be any good! We here make our cider with love an' care, and yer impersonal, industrial method canna match that!"
Flim Flam bros: "Really. Want a free sample?"
Granny Smith: *tastes industrially-produced cider*
Granny Smith: "It's... It's just as good... It was made without any love whatsoever an' it's just as good..."
Granny Smith: "Cider, ye monster! Ah thought our love meant somethin'!"
Applebloom: "Wait! Wait! My crusader sense is tingling!"
Applejack: "Yer what now?"
Applebloom: "It's this feelin' Ah get when there's an awesome idea ta be had!"
Applebloom: "Like, everytime Ah go into tha Everfree Forest!"
Applebloom: "Or when Ah decided ta make mahself a cutie mark with Zecora's alchemy!"
Applebloom: "Or when there was that relay race and we couldn't find the baton, so Ah used scissors instead!"
Applebloom: "An' right now? Right now, mah crusader sense is tellin' me that workin' with ponies named after swindles, who deliberately designed their cider factory ta be mobile like they canna stay in one place fer long, an' who decide ta open this kind o'business here instead o'the bigger towns like Canterlot, is a great idea! Let's do this thang!"
Granny Smith: "No way Jose! Ah've spent several pony lifetimes perfectin' them cider-mankin' methods, and Ah ain't changin' 'em now just because tha new ones work better!"
Applebloom: "But we could make enough cider fer everyone! Isn't that worth it?"
Applejack: "Ah dunno. Change is scary."
Big Mac: "Eyup."
Flim Flam bros: "Let's make a deal: You provide the apples, we turn it into cider at a faster production pace than you could ever dream of, and we split the profits 25/75."
Applebloom: "Awesome!"
Applejack: "Who gets the 75?"
Flim Flam bros: "The ponies without production expenses, of course."
Applejack: "Less awesome."

Diamond Tiara: "Daddy? What's wrong?"
Filthy Rich: "I felt a great disturbance in the cash flow, as if millions of economists suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened."

Applejack: "Hey, how much is 75 compared ta 25?"
Big Mac: "Three times more."
Applejack: "Oh Hell no. Cider sales are what's keepin' us in tha black through tha winter. If we canna rely on that cash flow, we might as well sell tha farm!"
Big Mac's Imaginary Self: "That is only a loss if this deal cannot quadruple sales."
Big Mac's Imaginary Self: "Then again, profit or not, a 25/75 split like that goes against all our principles."
Big Mac: "No deal."
Flim Flam bros: "Well, we tried to be nice. We tried to leave you an out. Guess we'll just have to drive you out of business through commercial competition."
Applejack: "YE AIN'T GOT THA BALLS!"


The next day:
Applejack: "...They got tha balls."
Flim Flam bros: "My my. Out of cider again, Apples? Welp! Good thing we're here to save the day! Drink up, ponies!"
Rainbow Dash: "YES! FINALLY!"
Applejack: "DEATH TA TREACHEROUS TRAITORS!" *lassos cider away, spilling Rainbow Dash's mug*
Rainbow Dash: "WHY UNIVERSE HATE RAINBOW DASH?!"
Applejack: "You can't sell this cider! You borrowed those apples from us, remember?"
Flim Flam bros: "Well! If you want to deprive Ponyville of our delicious cider, I suppose we'll simply have to deal with it."
Flim Flam bros: "By, y'know, buying apples from one of the million other apple producers in Equestria instead. And making more cider than Ponyville can drink!"
Applebloom: "Oh yeah?! Well, we'll make infinity plus one cider!"
Big Mac: *shuts Applebloom up*
Granny Smith: "Now, now, young'un, don't ye write a check yer farm can't cash. It doesn't matter; quality always comes first. Nopony cares about quantity."
Rainbow Dash: "YES WE DO! Without quantity, I don't even get to drink your fancy hoof-made cider!"
Flim Flam bros: "Truly, a pony in cider withdrawal is a heartbreaking sight."
Applejack: "Ah don't care how much ye can produce! Our cider speaks fer itself!"
Flim Flam bros: "Then let's put to the test!"
Applebloom: "Now yer speakin' mah language!"
Flim Flam bros: "We'll betcha we can make enough cider for all of Ponyville in a single hour."
Applebloom: "We can do that in 45 minutes! Despite never bein' able ta do so in a whole day!"
Applejack: "Eep."
Granny Smith: "Now, youngster, don't let yer emotions get tha better of ya. Fear leads ta anger, anger leads ta hate, hate leads ta failin' at life..."
Flim Flam bros: "What's the matter, Granny Smith? Chicken?"
Granny Smith: "NOPONY CALLS ME SCOOTALOO!"
Flim Flam bros: "What, not confident enough in your hoof-made cider?"
Granny Smith: "YOU VERSUS US! TOMORROW MORNIN'!"
Flim Flam bros: "Unfortunately, we do not have... apples."
Granny Smith: "YOU CAN USE THE APPLES FROM OUR SOUTH FIELD - IT'LL BE WORTH IT TO SHOW YOU! SHOW YOU ALL!"
Applejack: "Anger leads ta hate, hate leads ta..."
Flim Flam bros: "Deal! Whoever can produce the most cider in one hour gets a monopoly on cider sales in Ponyville!"
Applejack: "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN-"
Granny Smith: "DEAL!"
Applejack: "FAMILY, Y U SO DUMB?!"
Big Mac: "Welcome ta mah life."
Twilight: "Don't worry, Applejack. You've already lost the Rodeolympics. Narratively speaking, you're all but guaranteed to win this!"
Applejack: "Ah hope so, Twilight - 'cause otherwise, we can say bye-bye to tha farm, and ye girls are gonna hafta ask Derpy ta replace me."
Twilight: "Um, AJ? You're betting the right to sell cider, not the deed to Sweet Apple Acres. It's not like you won't own the farm anymore."
Applejack: "Twilight, it don't work that way. Runnin' an orchard is expensive business, especially when yer living on the border of the Hellmouth forest, and some disaster or another slashes yer profits every odd month. We spend several parts o'tha year in tha red, then bounce back with seasonal profits. Not makin' any money from cider season means owing way, way more money than we can repay without sellin' tha farm... and Ah think we done run outta favors we can ask town hall."
Twilight: "Oh horseapples."


The next day:
Twilight: "Applejack, I've been thinking, and... this is a bad idea. The industrial revolution isn't something that can ultimately be stopped. And risking your very livelihood like this is... illogical."
Applejack: "Yer tellin' me? A bit too late ta worry 'bout that. An' anyway, mah family are tha best cider-makers ya can find."
Applebloom: "Besides, nopony compares Granny Smith ta one of mah friends! There are lines ya just don't cross!"
Mayor Mare: "All right, everypony! Thank you all for attending this historical contest! Please consult our gift shop for contest memorabilia - all profits go toward the Fix-The-Bucking-Roof-Already Funds, because seriously, fuck having to handle paperwork outside."
Mayor Mare: "To the left: The brothers Flim and Flam, aka Team Music Man!"
Flim Flam bros: "What's a man?"
Mayor Mare: "...aka Team Monorail!"
Flim Flam bros: "Much better."
Mayor Mare: "To the right: The Apple family, aka Team John Henry!"
Flim Flam bros: "Spoiler alert: John dies at the end."
Mayor Mare: "Whoever makes the most cider in one hour gets a local monopoly! Readysetgo!"
Doctor Whooves: "I love this part."

[Also to the tune of "Zack the Lego Maniac":]
I know this pony, Applejack
She loves to kick she loves to buck
Yes apple-farming is her knack
She's 'Jack, the apple maniac!

She loves this fruit in all its types
From monochrome to rainbow stripes
She'll buck the trees and work all day
For apples are her one true way!

Jack! Jack!
She's an apple maniac!
Jack! Jack!
She's an apple maniac!

Applejack: *bucks trees*
Applebloom: *picks falling apples*
Granny Smith: *separates the good and bad apples*
Big Mac: *powers non-magical cider-making machine*
Applejack: "Woo! We already have a full barrel o' cider made, in record time! We're awesome! We're made o'win!"
Flim Flam bros: "That's adorable. Our machine's made six barrels so far, and we barely have to lift a horn."
Applejack: "FAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUST!"

Rarity: "This is awful! The Apples are working themselves to the bone, but even at such exhausting, unsustainable speed, they can barely match a third of the Flim Flam bros' production rate!"
Twilight: "Well duh. It doesn't matter if they've done it all their lives, with generations of tradition backing them up - in the end, they're only two ponies (plus an arthritic slow-mo and a crusader). The math isn't on their side."
Twilight: "And that means..."
Twilight: "...that we're going to find the spirit of the rules, and corner it in a dark alley with sharp knives."
Twilight: "Mayor Mare? Are... honorary family members allowed to participate?"
Mayor Mare: "Uh."
Mayor Mare: "Ah."
Mayor Mare: "Er."
Mayor Mare: "..."
Mayor Mare: "...Do the Flim Flam bros have any objection?"
Flim Flam bros: "Hah! We're outpacing the four ponies 3-to-1! Throwing in five more ponies who aren't even farmers won't make a lick of a difference!"
Mayor Mare: "...Knock yourselves out, then."
Twilight: "Awesome! Applejack, what do you say?"
Applejack: *remembers Applebuck Season*
Applejack: "...Ah cannot, in mah heart, say ya gals aren't family."
D'awwwwww!
Twilight: "All right then! Let's show them what the Elemental Harmony Squad is made of!"
Twilight: "Fluttershy! You're an honorary earth pony who can fly. Help Applejack drop the apples from the trees!"
Twilight: "Pinkie Pie! You've got mad reflexes. Help Applebloom catch the apples as they fall!"
Twilight: "Rarity! You've got an eye for detail, and telekinesis suited for handling objects quickly. Help Granny Smith with quality control!"
Twilight: "Rainbow Dash! You're freakishly strong. Help Big Mac power the machine."
Twilight: "Meanwhile, I'll use my hax magic to close the gap, and my organizational genius to...well, to do stuff like what I just did."

[To the tune of "Montage":]
The hour is ending so give it your best
Unless you wanna lose the farm
'Cause Granny's pride's got you into this stupid test
And you have some cause for alarm

We're gonna need a montage (montage!)
Ooh it's gonna take a montage (montage!)

Show a lot of things happening at once, remind everyone of what's going on (what's going on!)
Now the Harmony Squad is making good progress, to show it all would take too long

That's called a montage (montage!)
Ooh we want a montage (montage!)

If you want to beat them Flim Flam bros
Remember to call upon the pros
The ones with montage (montage!)
Go go cider-making montage (montage!)

Twilight: "Keep going, (honorary) family! By my calculations, our current output is 166% of that of the SSCS6000!"
Flim Flam bros: "What?! IMPOSSIBLE! It's like those ponies are an extraordinarily skilled, way-outside-the-norm crew!"
Flim Flam bros: "Well... In that case..." *turn off the SSCS6000's quality control module*
Rainbow Dash: "I don't believe this! They're outpacing us again! We have to drop quality control if we want to keep up!"
Granny Smith: "OVER MAH DEAD BODY! I'd sooner see this here farm burned to tha ground, than create an inferior product!"
Applejack: "Right. What's tha point o' winnin', if ya don't deserve ta?"
Twilight: "Meaning we'll just have to go beyond the impossible and work even harder!"

Mayor Mare: "Tiiiiime's UP!"
Team John Henry: *collapses from exhaustion*
Twilight: "Applejack? I just wanted to say how proud of you I am. Integrity such as this will always be rewarded."
Mayor Mare: "Team Monorail WINS!"
Applejack: "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Twilight: "...Applejack, what was that breaking sound coming from your chest area? Are you hurt?"
Flim Flam bros: "Well, Apples, in the spirit of this fair competition, I suppose there's only one thing to say..."
Flim Flam bros: "...SUCK IT, SUCKERS! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Applejack: "Tha red. We're in deeper red than an ocean o'blood. We're gonna hafta sell tha farm an' move ta Appleloosa just ta pay our debts. The ancestral home gifted ta us by tha God-Queen... It's gone. All gone."
Flim Flam bros: "How tragic." *yawn* "Guess we'll just rename the place Flim Flam Fields!"
Twilight: "Wait! Look, you two don't really strike me as farmers. Please consider: Sweet Apple Acres needs ponies like the Apple family to maintain it. Without the apples it produces, you can't make cider. If you let them sell their cider, but loan them your services to make large quantities of it in exchange for a small, reasonable cut of post-expenses profits, everypony would win!"
Flim Flam bros: "Naaaah. Why have a small cut, when we can have everything? Sure, the farm will fall apart without the Apples, but who cares? It's already got enough apples to make us a year's worth of cider, and after that, we just move into the next town!"
Twilight: "...Like financial locusts. That's why your cider factory is mobile. That was your plan all along, wasn't it?"
Flim: "Just as planned."
Flam: "I love it when a plan comes together."
Rainbow Dash: "And I pity da fool who tries to scam my (honorary) family!"
Applejack: "Rainbow Dash... Don't. A deal's a deal."
Flim Flam bros: "And that, my friends, is why robber barons always win: Because legitimate business is dumb."
Ponies of Ponyville: "...Our neighbors, pillars of the community, including national heroine, are going to lose everything and move out of town because of this crap? All we wanted was some cider!"
Flim Flam bros: "Then you're in luck, 'cause we've got enough cider for all of you!"
Applejack, she of the teary eyes: "...It's OK. Drink up, everypony. Drink up."
Elemental Harmony Squad: *Why can't I hold all these feels?*
Flim Flam bros: "Well, everypony - Have. Some. Cider!"
Ponies of Ponyville: *have some cider*
Cider: *was made with quality control turned off*
Pony of Ponyville #1: "The horror! The horror!"
Pony of Ponyville #2: "Hell. My tongue has died and gone to hell."
Pony of Ponyville #3: "It's like there's a party in my mouth. The Nazi party."
Flim Flam bros: "Eh-heh. Woopsie. Used a barrel from the tail end of the contest. Ah, sell it to you at a tenth of the usual price?"
Ponies of Ponyville: "You couldn't pay us enough to drink this sludge!"
Flim Flam bros: "Um, we still have several cider barrels that were made with quality control turned on. How about that?"
Ponies of Ponyville: "You can stick your own faces inside those barrels 'till you run out of air and stop moving, you condescending, arrogant, selfish, manipulative, soulless jerkholes!"
Flim Flam bros: "...The good cider, at a tiny token price?"
Ponies of Ponyville: "I got the tar!" "I got the feathers!" "I got the rope!"
Flim Flam bros: "Villains exit, stage left."
Flim Flam bros: *take their unsustainable business model next town*
Applejack: "..."
Applejack: "Yo, ponies of Ponyville! Guess who's got barrels an' barrels o'quality cider right now?"
Twilight: "Rarity, help me handle triage of the barrels the Flim Flam bros left behind..."

Rainbow Dash: "Finally! For once, everypony gets some sweet, sweet cider!"
Cider: *runs out right before Dash can get any*
Rainbow Dash: "Excuse me. I think I need to go cry myself into a sadness coma."
Pinkie Pie: "Here! I saved you a mug!"
Rainbow Dash: "Pinkie Pie? You're my best friend ever."


Applejack: "Dear God-Queen Celestia, Ah could tell ya how Ah learned today that if ya work hard enough with all tha integrity ya can muster, than yer work will speak fer itself, but that'd be a lie, 'cause Ah knew that already. Ah could tell ya Ah learned that mah friends will always stand bah me, but really, was there any doubt by now? Ah could tell ya Ah learned not ta turn down help, but been there, done that, sold tha apples. Ah could tell ya Ah learned not ta bite more than Ah could chew, but it wasn't mah mistake. Actually, Ah didn't learn anything. Ah am deliberately wasting yer time."
God-Queen Celestia: "OK, this one? This one I'm showing Mimic. She could use the funny."

 

[The Froggy Ninja]

Big Mac's Imaginary Self: "That is only a loss if this deal cannot quadruple sales."

Click to shrink...

This is why Big Mac does the accounting.

Big Mac's Imaginary Self: "Then again, profit or not, a 25/75 split like that goes against all our principles."

Click to shrink...

So negotiate. That's generally how contracts work.

 

[sun tzu]

Not gonna lie, I'm honestly kinda proud of that review. I think some of my best stuff went into it. XD

 

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

THE SUPER SPEEDY CIDER SQUEEZY 6000

Click to shrink...

I do love that this wasn't anti-technology. The machine worked. Although the Apple's business practices sucked, and there was more than one instance where I wanted to punch Pinkie Pie. Which is par for the course for her this season.

 

[sun tzu]

I do love that this wasn't anti-technology. The machine worked. Although the Apple's business practices sucked

Click to shrink...

Indeed. If Flim and Flam had been willing to make a reasonable deal with the Apples, everyone would have had cider, the Apple Family would have gained long-term financial stability, and Flim&Flam would have been rich.
Two problems with that...
1)Some people (ponies included, alas) don't want to have a lot of money. They want to have all the money.
2)Near as I can tell, Flim&Flam want to make money less than they want to get one over people. Their primarily goal wasn't to get rich, but to get rich by tricking people, specifically.

 

[sun tzu]

God-Queen Celestia: *writing a letter* "Thanks for the heads-up, Mimic. And... could you please relay a message to Wind Whistler for me?"
God-Queen Celestia: *writing a letter* "Tell her that she would be proud of Twilight Sparkle. That she's growing nicely into a Savior of Worlds. And..."
God-Queen Celestia: *writing a letter, getting slightly choked up* "And that I said 'thank you'. For being my friend."
God-Queen Luna: "Sister? May I have a moment of thy... of your time?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Always. What's the matter?"
God-Queen Luna: "I was perusing this collection of books Fancy-Pants had recommended. He said having knowledge of popular culture would make it easier for me to connect to ponies. But, ah... I can't read a single chapter of these The Adventures of Daring-Do without feeling this strong sense of familiarity. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Oh... You know how it is. You're having a boring century with only three measly extinction-class events, the economy's running well, a competent chancellor is doing most of the work for a change, and you suddenly find yourself with some unexpected free time. So you pick up a pen name, start writing. You realize your own youthful adventures and those of your childhood heroes from Earth mix rather well. And before you know it, you've written a beloved bestseller, and need to keep coming up with excuses for your pen name identity to avoid the press."
God-Queen Celestia: "On the plus side, the royalties meant I could buy up a nice collection of ancient Dream Valley relics."
God-Queen Luna: "Couldn't you do that with public funds anyway?"
God-Queen Luna: "...Right. Forgot who I was talking to."



READ IT AND WEEP



Rainbow Dash: "I need a rainboom! I'm holding out for a rainboom 'til the end of the niiiight! I gotta be strong and I gotta be cool and I gotta be faster than light!"
Twilight: "Hey, girls. What's going on?"
Pinkie Pie: "Dash is doing aerobatics! At wall-smashing, air-rushing, mind-crushing speeds!"
Rarity: "Truly, a rather dazzling display of derring-do from our dear devil-daring Dash, darlings."
Twilight: "Yes, Rainbow Dash is rather amazing."
Rainbow Dash: "Hey, y'all! Watch this!"
Twilight: "Whoa. That was an expensive-looking flight animation. I can't believe we had that in the budget."
RAINBOW CRASH!
Pinkie Pie: "Oopsie. Guess we didn't have the budget for it after all."


Rainbow Dash, to the tune of "In the Dark of the Night": "In the dark of the night I was tossing and turning.
And the nightmare I had was as bad as can be.
It scared me like no other thing
An athlete with a broken wing!
Then I opened my eyes and the nightmare was me!"
Doctor Pony: "Welcome back to the land of the conscious, Miss Dash. You are lucky indeed that your friends got you here so quickly."
Rainbow Dash: "Oh no. Oh nonononono. Me, Rainbow Dash, with a broken wing? I've read that fanfic! And that other fanfic! And that other other fanfic! I gotta get outta here!"
Doctor Pony: "I'm afraid, Miss Dash, that your broken wing is fully canon and non-operational. You're going to need to stay here for a few days."
Rainbow Dash: "What?! That's years in Dash Time! I'm gonna climb the walls!"
Pinkie Pie: "Oooh! Oooh! Does that mean Rainbow Dash is Spider-Pony now?"
Doctor Pony: "Well, she's definitely not Timberwolverine."
Fluttershy: "Come on, Dashie. It's not so bad. You can pretend the bandages are, um, a different type of bond."
Applejack: "Hospital food at will!"
Rarity: "Hospital gowns!"
Pinkie Pie: "And your roommate, Silent Pony!"
Silent Pony, who is silent: "No language has words for my pain."
Rainbow Dash: "Oh, buck this."
Twilight: "Well, if you really need something to cheer you up... have a look at this!" *gives Dash hospital book*
Rainbow Dash: "Daring-Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone?"
Twilight: "This is the first book in the series! ...Well, in order of publication. There's a couple of prequels. I own all the books."
Rainbow Dash: "Twilight, I believe this deserves my most well-considered, deep and meaningful response:"
Rainbow Dash: "Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerd."
Rainbow Dash: "Seriously, what were you thinking? I don't read."
Twilight: "But, you just said you'd read all those broken-wing fanfics..."
Rainbow Dash: "Uh, hello? Fanfics don't count as reading."
Twilight: "...OK, you got me there. I guess only a total hack would take someone else's existing, published material and write their own take on it."
Rainbow Dash: "Right! Exactly!"
Rainbow Dash: "But more seriously, I don't read. It's totally, unquestionably, uncool!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Applejack: "Seriously? Ah love tha adventures o' Buckleberry Finn!"
Rarity: "Why, a good book is almost magnificent as silk pajamas on a Sunday morning!" [/actual dialog]
Fluttershy: "And, um, Dashie? Some of the books out there are even better fetish fuel than what Rarity just said." [/not actual dialog]
Twilight: "Reading is for everyone, Rainbow Dash. Don't believe me? Check out the invention of braille."
Pinkie Pie: "Ooh! Ooh! I love reading Calvin and Horse! Or Three Mares in a Boat!"
Twilight: "And besides, I haven't selected this book randomly. The protagonist, much like a certain someone I know, is totally, unquestioningly unstoppable!"


Rainbow Dash: "Bored. Boredy boredy bored. Bored. Boredy-MacBored. BOOOOOOOORED!"

Rainbow Dash: "You know, the more I think of it, the gladder I am that we defeated the Ebon Dragon. It's such a relief knowing that we'll never have to worry about him ever again!"
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "Come on! That was such an obvious cue for something interesting to happen! What kind of hack story is this?!"

Rainbow Dash: "...so one pees on the bed, and one coughs up a hairball, and one throws up on the couch... and they call it: The Aristocats!"
Silent Pony, who is silent: "Your jokes cause me greater suffering than my injuries."

Rainbow Dash: "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED!"
Rainbow Dash: "Oh, buck it. I'm so gonna hate myself in the morning for this."
Rainbow Dash: *begins reading*

Daring-Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone
Daring-Do ("Derry" to her friends): "Crash-landing in this jungle... freaking great. I just had to break a wing like that."
Daring-Do: "This will keep me grounded for days! That's several years in Daring Time!"

Rainbow Dash: "...Twilight Sparkle, you magnificent mare, I'm reading your BOOK!"

Daring-Do: "Enough idle complaints! I'm a mare on a mission - a mission currently in jeopardy due to all the predators in this jungle. Predators such as..."
Suddenly Tiger: "WHAT IMMORTAL HAND OR EYE CAN FRAME MY FEARFUL SYMMETRY?!"
Daring-Do: "Eh-heh. See, it's in moments like this I wish I had brought my flamethrower."
Suddenly Panther: "MANY STRANGE TALES ARE TOLD OF THESE JUNGLES OF EQUESTRIA, BUT NONE SO STRANGE AS THE STORY OF A LITTLE PONY NAMED DARING. IT ALL BEGAN WHEN THE SILENCE OF THE JUNGLE WAS BROKEN BY AN UNFAMILIAR SOUND. THE SOUND OF ME EVISCERATING YOU."
Daring-Do: "You are so not making me leave the jungle!"
Suddenly Lynx: "YOUR BROKEN CORPSE WILL TASTE DELICIOUS LIGHTLY SEASONED WITH NUTMEG!"
Daring-Do: "Oh come on."
Suddenly Leopard: "WANNA KNOW HOW I GOT THESE SPOTS?!"
Daring-Do: "Oh for the love of..."
Suddenly House Cat: "I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER?!"
Daring-Do: "Aaaaand that's my opening!"
Daring-Do: *jumps over house cat*
Felines: *chase after pony*
Daring-Do: *reaches cliff*
Daring-Do: *jumps over cliff, catches vine, swings to other side*
Felines: "She's nuts!"
Daring-Do: "Me no nuts, me crazy!"
Daring-Do: "Ha! And thus, once again do quick-thinking and courage triumph over seemingly insurmountable obstacles. And..."
Daring-Do: *realizes before what she's standing*
Daring-Do: "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! It's the Temple of the Ancients I've been looking for these past two months! Jackpot!"

Rainbow Dash: "This is gripping!"
Rainbow Dash: "This is enjoyable!"
Rainbow Dash: "This is awesome!"
Rainbow Dash: "Oh no."
Rainbow Dash: "...I'm a neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerd!"

Daring-Do: "All right, Temple of the Ancients! All your secrets belong in a museum, and that's where I'm gonna put them!"
TRAP #1: *The Axe Effect! It will chop your head off!*
TRAP #2: *BBQ FLOOR!*
TRAP #3: *Ceiling Crocodile is watching you die!*
TRAP #4: *You Axed for it! Size does matter!*
TRAP #5: *Arrow arrow on the wall, who is the deadest pony of all?*
TRAP #6: *"Spike" isn't just a dragon in Ponyville!*
TRAP #7: *Door SMASH puny pony!*
Daring-Do: "Ha! You're running out of ways to stop me, Ancients!"
TRAP #8: *Once More, With Feeling!*
Daring-Do: "...You know, it occurs to me that the Ancients were kinda dicks."
Daring-Do: "Wait a minute. This is..."
The Sapphire Statue, a mystical sapphire statuette with twin jackal heads: *is*

Rainbow Dash: "Ohmygosh this is..."
NOISE!
Rainbow Dash: "Oh crap." *hides book*
Twilight and Fluttershy: "Hi Rainbow Dash!"
Fluttershy: "We figured you could use some cheering up..."
Twilight: "So we brought the only board game you've ever shown any patience for: Cloudship, the game of aerial battles sponsored by the Wonderbolts!"
Rainbow Dash: "Oh... thanks."
146.3 seconds later:
Rainbow Dash: "Yup, yup, yup. Looks like you guys win. Good show!"
Fluttershy: "...But you haven't made a single move yet!"
Twilight: "This victory is statistically implausible!"
Rainbow Dash: "Well, ya know how it is. You win some, you lose some."
Twilight: "No you don't! I've never seen you lose this game before - and I've never seen you lose this gracefully, either!"
Rainbow Dash: "Who cares? It's just a game."
Twilight: "What is this I don't even"
Rainbow Dash: "So, thanks for dropping by! I'll see ya when I get out of the hospital! Now, Dash need her nap!"
Rainbow Dash: "Snooooooooooooooooore..."
Twilight: "...I don't know what your deal is, Dash, but you're the worst liar in the world."
Twilight and Fluttershy: *depart*
Rainbow Dash: "No-one must know."


Daring-Do: "At last! The Sapphire Statue! I have..."
Daring-Do: "Wait."
Daring-Do: "Lest we forget..."
Daring-Do: "...this temple was built by total pricks."
Daring-Do: *throws stone*
TRAP #9: *I can hit your marrow, with a bow and arrow!*
Daring-Do: "Hm. Well, they may have been assholes, but the Ancients still needed a way to navigate this temple themselves. So there must be a safe path. But they couldn't have just relied on memory to use it. Too risky. So there needs to be a pattern."
Daring-Do: "Fortunately, I Haz the Smarts!" *solves riddle*
Daring-Do: *reaches Sapphire Statue*
Daring-Do: "All right, gotta be careful here. If the statue is connected to a trap too - like pretty much everything in this alicornforsaken temple - then how can I get it without signing my own death warrant?"
Daring-Do: "Wait, that's silly. The Ancients might have had to move it eventually. To booby-trap this would have been... negligent on their part."
Daring-Do: *takes Sapphire Statue*
TRAP #10: *The Floor Is Lava!*
Daring-Do: "Fuck you, Ancients."
TRAP #10: *And the walls are crumbling!*
Daring-Do: "Seriously. Fuck. You."
Daring-Do: *Dazzling, devil-daring deeds of derring-do*
Daring-Do: *gets ejected deep into the troposphere by temple explosion*
Daring-Do: "Wow. I have absolutely no idea how I survived that."
Ahuizotl: "Hellllo, Rainbow Dash!"

Rainbow Dash: "...What?"
Rainbow Dash: "Oh crap." *hides book*
Pinkie Pie, Rarity and Applejack: "Hi Rainbow Dash!"
Rainbow Dash's imaginary self, to the tune of "I'm Reading a Book": "At noon, sitting in my favorite nook
Girls are trying to make me eat some dinner nurse cooked
I'm reading a book, girls, I'm reading a book
Don't you ever interrupt me while I'm reading a book!"
Rainbow Dash's real self: "Um... Hi girls."
Pinkie Pie: "Have no fear, your good friends are here, though your injury's severe, we will bring you good cheer!"
Rainbow Dash: "...Lovely."
Nurse Pony: "Here's your meal, Miss Dash, aka Miss Lousy Tipper."
Applejack: "...Ah don't think ye're supposed ta tip hospital staff."
Nurse Pony: "Doesn't mean I can't resent it."
Rainbow Dash: "Ah, yes. Food. I need to eat that. In fact, that is my absolute top priority. This food will get eaten. By me. Here. Now. Hic et nunc."
Rarity: "By all means, darling. Don't mind us."
Rainbow Dash: *a pony's gotta do what a pony's gotta do*
Rainbow Dash: *Supreme Social Repellent Methodology: Satan's Table Manners Technique!*
Applejack: "Holly Molly! She here be makin' Applebloom look like tha epitome o' refinement!"
Pinkie Pie: "My stars! Even I'm disgusted!"
Rarity: "...Like I said, Rainbow Dash, don't mind us. We'll mind ourselves. Goodbye. Forever. Or at least until we finish our therapy."
*departure*
Rainbow Dash: "Nothing will get between me and Daring-Do, my One True Love."


Ahuizotl: "Doctor Do. Again we see there is nothing you can possess which I cannot take away."
Daring-Do: "Obscure Aztec monsters. I hate these guys."
Ahuizotl: "And now, little pony... You shall face your doom! Let my armies be the rocks and trees and the cats in the jungle..." *uses cat-call*
Felines: *surround Daring-Do*
Felines: *surround Daring-Do with weapons*
House cat: "Wakka wakka."

Rainbow Dash: "Whoa. And I thought Opalescence was scary."

Daring-Do, tied up on a slab: "Ahuizotl, you despicable blackguard! You will not get away with this!"
Ahuizotl: "How fitting. You will not get away from this, Derry."
Daring-Do: "Only my friends get to call me that, you depraved malefactor!"
Ahuizotl: "Such spirit! Alas, doctor Do, for all your bravado, in the end you can do little. This deathtrap - created by the Ancients as their ultimate method of execution - shall be sending you the way of Tirac soon enough. Farewell, Derry." *departs*
Daring-Do: "Alicorndammit. OK, let's see... what kind of execution method would the Ancients have gone for..."
TRAP #11: *The Spiked Walls Want To Hug You!*
TRAP #12: *I'm on yur spikz, bein a spida!*
TRAP #13: *Snakes! 'Cause the Ancients were dicks! That's why it had to be snakes!*
TRAP #14: *And Quicksand Makes It All Complete!*
Daring-Do: "Ah, of course. They went for all of the above."

Doctor Pony: "Ahem."
Rainbow Dash: "Ack! G-good evening, doc!"
Doctor Pony: "Good morning."
Rainbow Dash: *realizes it's day out, and she's spent allll night reading*
Rainbow Dash: *Am I a nerd, or am I an athlete?*
Rainbow Dash's imaginary self, to the tune of "Man or Muppet": "I reflect on my reflection
And I ask myself the question
What's the right direction - to go?
I don't know.
Am I a neeeeeeerd - or am I an athlete? (Am I an athlete?)
If I'm an athlete then I'm a very nerdy athlete (Very nerdy athlete)
Am I an athleeeeete (athlete) - or am I a nerd? (Am I a nerd?)
If I'm a nerd that makes me an athlete of a nerd. (An athlete of a nerd)

I look into these eyes
And I don't recognize
The one I see inside
It's time for me to decide
Am I a neeeeeeerd - or am I an athlete? (Am I an athlete?)
If I'm an athlete then I'm a very nerdy athlete (Very nerdy athlete)
Am I an athleeeete - or am I a nerd? (Am I a nerd?)
If I'm a nerd that makes me an athlete of a nerd."

Doctor Pony: "Hello? Miss Dash?"
Rainbow Dash: "Uh, sorry. The where-I-watcher saw the Muppets earlier this week."
Doctor Pony: "Freaking hack."
Doctor Pony: "Anyway, good news: We're checking you out!"
Rainbow Dash: "What?"
Doctor Pony: "...of the hospital, that is."
Rainbow Dash: "What?!"
Doctor Pony: "Effective immediately."
Rainbow Dash: "WHAT?!"
Hospital staff: *throws Rainbow Dash outside. Without the book, naturally*
Rainbow Dash: "UNIVERSE, Y U SUCH A DICK TO RAINBOW DASH?!"


Rainbow Dash: "This is bad! This is catastrophic! This is sub-optimal! Ahuizotl was getting away with the statuette! Daring-Do was stuck in a deathtrap! How am I gonna find out what happened?! Think, Dash, think!"
Rainbow Dash: "...Twilight has a copy of the book. That's right. But... I'd need to come out of the closet as a nerd. No. Absolutely not."
Rainbow Dash: "Augh! This is making me sick... all... over again... Oh. Of course!"

Rainbow Dash: "Oh, the pain! The painful, dolorous pain!"
Doctor Pony: "...What's the problem, Rainbow Dash?"
Rainbow Dash: "It's my wing, doc! It's hurting all over again!"
Doctor Pony: *touches her wing*
Rainbow Dash: "Oh! Truly, my pain knows no bounds!"
Doctor Pony: "That was your good wing, Rainbow Dash."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "...But you're still going to keep me here overnight just to be safe, right?"
Doctor Pony: "I believe I have found the problem with our patient here."
Rainbow Dash: "Really?"
Doctor Pony: "Indeed. She' a lazy bum. And as such, her problems fall outside of my purview."
Rainbow Dash: "I'm not being lazy, doc! I swear!"
Doctor Pony: "Admittedly, there is one other possibility that, admittedly, seems all too plausible."
Rainbow Dash: "Which would be...?"
Doctor Pony: "Reverse Florence Nightingale Syndrome. Far from uncommon here, I assure you. But really, it's to be expected. You break a wing, you're feeling at your most vulnerable. Out of nowhere comes this handsome, dashing doctor who takes care of you, heals you, nurtures you, gives you strength and nurses you back to health. Truly, developing a romantic crush is only to be expected, my sweet. Luckily for you, I am rather receptive."
Rainbow Dash: "g2g kthxbai!"
Doctor Pony: "Heh. Works every time."


Rainbow Dash: "OK, let's review our options. Asking Twilight is out. Bluffing my way back into the hospital is out. They won't take me back in without a genuine, visible injury."
Rainbow Dash: "Heeeeey. I could give myself such an injury! A good, bone-cracking collision, and I'm set!"
Rainbow Dash: "No, wait. What if I damage my eyes, or put myself in a coma? I won't be able to read. Bad idea."
Rainbow Dash: "Let's see... What would Daring do?"

Rainbow Dash: *sets theme music to James Bond/Mission Impossible remix*
Rainbow Dash: *gets in touch with her inner ninja*
Rainbow Dash: *infiltrates hospital at night*
Rainbow Dash: *makes it past officer Murder MacKill, security pony*
Rainbow Dash: *makes it past Nurse Pony*
Rainbow Dash: *makes it past Doctor Pony*
Rainbow Dash: *makes it past Silent Pony, who is silent*
Rainbow Dash: *finds book under her former bed, currently occupied by Chemotherapy Pony*
Rainbow Dash: "We loves you, my precious!"
Chemotherapy Pony: "Halp! Burglar trying to steal my slippers!"
Rainbow Dash: "I'm not trying to steal your slippers, I'm trying to steal this book! So you see, that's totally cool!"
Chemotherapy Pony: *politely disagrees. With a heavy blunt object*
Rainbow Dash: "Ack! Mare on a mission coming through!"
Suddenly Nurse: "WHAT IMMORTAL HAND OR EYE CAN FRAME MY FEARFUL SYMMETRY?!"
Suddenly Doctor: "MANY STRANGE TALES ARE TOLD OF THESE HOSPITALS OF EQUESTRIA, BUT NONE SO STRANGE AS THE STORY OF A LITTLE PONY NINJA. IT ALL BEGAN WHEN THE SILENCE OF THE HOSPITAL WAS BROKEN BY AN UNFAMILIAR SOUND. THE SOUND OF ME PRACTICING UNPROMPTED SURGERY ON YOU WITH NO ANESTHETICS."
Suddenly Other Nurse: "YOUR BROKEN CORPSE WILL BE AN EXCELLENT ORGAN DONOR!"
Suddenly Junior Nurse: "I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER?!"
Rainbow Dash: "Aaaaaand that's my opening!"
Rainbow Dash: *jumps over junior nurse*
Rainbow Dash: *strains recovering wing*
Rainbow Dash: *Rainbow Crash*
Rainbow Dash: *loses book*
Rainbow Dash: "Fuck."
Hospital Staff: *chase after ninja*
Rainbow Dash: "With the sound of the guard dogs on her heels, our heroine reached a treacherous obstacle..."
Rainbow Dash: *reaches cliff*
Daring-Do: *jumps over cliff, catches vine, swings to other side*
Nurse: "There was a bridge eight feet away! She's nuts!"
Officer Murder MacKill: "She no nuts, she crazy!"
Rainbow Dash: "With the frenzied barking and the ponycidal staff getting closer, it looked like the end of our heroine..."
Twilight: "It'll be the end of you all right if you don't explain why you just made enough noise to wake me at this unholy hour."
God-Queen Luna: "AHEM."
Twilight: "...No offense intended."
Doctor Pony: "Rainbow Dash! Why are you dressing up like a ninja and stealing slippers?"
Mental Case Pony: *still barking*
Doctor Pony: *sighs* "Officer Murder MacKill, escort this patient back to the psych ward."
Applejack: "Jeez, folks, what's with this ruckus at this time o'the night?"
Pinkie Pie: "I think it's more of a fracas than a ruckus."
Rarity: "I still can't believe Twilight's Thesaurus Time proved to be such a popular week-end activity with our group."
Fluttershy: "I know! Cheerilee still wants us to invite her students over."
Rainbow Dash: "Wait, wait, hold the phone! Why is the entire Elemental Harmony Squad present?!"
Twilight: "I live here."
Fluttershy: "I'm a light sleeper."
Rarity: "Applejack, Pinkie Pie and myself couldn't sleep at all. We were still having nightmares about your table manners."
Rainbow Dash: "Oh."
Twilight: "So, back on topic: What's going on, Dash?"
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "Mom, dad..."
Rainbow Dash: "...I'm a nerd."
Rarity: "Yes, that much is obvious. Official Wonderbolts T-shirts, obsessive knowledge of their performance and history, cosplaying as a 'Shadowbolt', and don't get me started on the whole Wonderbolt Fantasy League deal."
Rainbow Dash: "I didn't mean a sports nerd! I mean I snuck into the hospital just so I could finish reading..."
Twilight: "...Daring-Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone! Yes! Sweet vindication!"
Doctor Pony: "Wait, seriously? You broke inside a hospital at night, braved the deadliest security this side of Canterlot, disturbed our patients, all so you could read a book we keep around to keep our patients from getting bored?"
Doctor Pony: "...Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerd!"
Twilight: "Wow! I knew the book was good, but I hadn't realized it was good enough to drive ponies mad!"
Rainbow Dash: "Good? To call it 'good' is an insult! It is made of pure, unadulterated win! It's so perfect, it's almost like it was written by God-Queen Celestia! It's totally, unquestionably un-put-downable!"
Rainbow Dash: "Except that then, I had to put it down, because the evil, evil doctor forced me to leave the hospital, for no other reason than because I had healed."
Doctor Pony: "Bite me."
Twilight: "Well! I'm glad this was nothing more serious than one of my friends being an idiot as usual!"
Applejack: "Yeah, what Twilight said! There's no reason to make this kind of ruckus-"
Pinkie Pie: "Fracas!"
Applejack: "Buck you."
Applejack: "...just because you enjoy reading. I mean, we kinda all do."


Twilight: "Aaaaand here's my copy of the book. I have the two prequels and the dozen sequels when you're done!"
Rainbow Dash: "WHOA. Are they all as good as this one?"
Twilight: "Your mileage may vary. Lots of ponies hated the Crystal Skull book, but I thought it was faithful to the spirit of the series."
Rainbow Dash: "Thanks so much. And I'm sorry I made such a big deal out of this. I thought reading was only for intellectuals like you."
Twilight: "Oh, Rainbow Dash. Just because you're athletic, it doesn't mean you aren't smart. Your willingness to charge full-grown dragons, attack Elder Evils bare-hoofed, accuse Applejack of cheating at races, or break into hospitals is a much better indication."
Spike: "Damn straight! Look at me - I'm a badass who fights bad guys twice his size, and one of the smartest characters on this show!"
Twilight: "Bottom line: Reading is for everyone..."
Rainbow Dash: "...and I shouldn't knock something down until I've tried it. Like, say, a cartoon about cute ponies officially aimed at little girls."
Twilight: "Gentlemares, we have letter-for-the-God-Queen material."
Rainbow Dash: "Yeah, yeah. Spike, you write it down - I got a book to read!"

Daring-Do: "By the powers of Oddjob, of Bullseye, and of Tuxedo Kamen: Don't fail me now, trusty hat!"
Daring-Do: *incredible aiming skills*
Daring-Do: *uses hat to disarm deathtrap*
Daring-Do: *...reader's imagination might be embellishing slightly*
Daring-Do: "And now, to save the day!"

Ahuizotl: "At last. With Daring-Do out of the way, and the Ancients' most powerful relic in my hand, the world shall now dread once more!"
Daring-Do: "Yoinks!" *steals Sapphire Statue, makes clean getaway*
Ahuizotl: "What is this I don't even"
Daring-Do: "It belongs in a museum... And so do you, you hack!"
Ahuizotl: "Cuuuuurse you Derry the Pegasus!"

Rainbow Dash: "Awesome! Next book: Daring-Do and the Griffin's Goblet!"
[Again to the tune of "Man or Muppet":]
"Here I go again
I'm always running out of time
I think I made up my mind
Now I understand - who I am
I'm a nerd!
I'm an athlete!
I'm an athlete of a nerd
I'm a very nerdy athlete (I'm an athlete of a nerd)
That's what I am!"

 

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

READ IT AND WEEP

Click to shrink...

Any 'reading is cool!' episode gets my seal of approval. *Hums Reading Rainbow theme*

Rainbow Dash: "UNIVERSE, Y U SUCH A DICK TO RAINBOW DASH?!"

Click to shrink...

Look in the mirror, Dashie.

Also, this episode vaporizes any sort of possibility of the Twidash 'ship for me.

 

[sun tzu]

Twilight: *wakes up in a cold sweat* "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Spike: *yawns* "Twilight, what is it?"
Twilight: "Spike, I just had this horrible nightmare!"
Spike: "What happened?"
Twilight: "I... I..." *shudders* "...I was surrounded by idiots!"
Spike: "Twilight, that's how your real life is."
Twilight: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Spike: "This is going to be one of those nights. I can just tell."
Twilight: "Spike! Turn on the previous episodes recap!"
Spike: "Yes ma'am."
Twilight: "Hm... It's worse than I thought."
[To the tune of "Look at all those Idiots":]
Twilight: "Each morning at sunrise, they stumble out of bed
Some walk and gallop - some fly instead
Reeking of stoopid, they rarely think things through
When many of their answers can be found in plain old books!
I know it shouldn't vex me, I shouldn't take it hard
I should ignore their capering with scholarly disregard, but-
Look at all those idiots! Oh, look at all those boobs!
A city full of morons! A village full of fools!
Is it any wonder that I'm singing - singing the blues?!

They buck apples solo, or swallow Trixie's bull
They kidnap Mom's pet phoenix, and follow no sane rule
Their blatant stoopid wounds me, their blockheadedness astounds
I long to lure them right in here and in books have them drowned!
I shouldn't grow unsettled by how they're all obtuse
I shouldn't let it plague me, I shouldn't blow a fuse, but-
Look at all those idiots! Oh, look at all those boobs!
A city full of morons! A village full of fools!
Is it any wonder that I'm singing - singing the blues?!

That trio of fillies, failing at life in ways so contrived..."
Spike: "That's the CMC Twilight. Wow, you're bitchy while sleep-deprived."
Twilight: "Yes well, call these stoopids to my treehouse, and stay to watch the fun
If they are three when they enter, they'll be zero when I'm done!
It would immensely please me, and alleviate my strife
To make them learn a lesson, and stop failing at life!
Look at all those idiots! Oh, look at all those boobs!
A city full of morons! A village full of fools!
Is it any wonder that I'm singing - singing the blues?!
Surrounded by idiots! Outnumbered by boobs!
A city full of morons! A nation full of fools!
Is it any wonder that I'm singing - singing the blues?!"

Spike: "Twilight, I think you really need some sleep."
Twilight: "...Maybe."
Twilight: "But maybe a trio of stoopids needs some serious shock treatment, too."



HEARTS AND HOOVES DAY



Applebloom: "Ribbons hold tha world together..."
Sweetie Belle: "Glitter gives a lovely shimmer..."
Scootaloo: "And size does matter!"
CMC: *have produced the world's largest valentine... er, that is, Hearts&Hooves Day card!*
Scootaloo: "Awesome! But, um...How do we carry it through the door?"
Applebloom: "...We may not have thought this thing through."


Hearts&Hooves Day party at school!
Unnamed Filly: "Twist, my love, why must I lack the portly physique to attract your attention? Alas, your fair, bespectacled eyes only lay themselves graciously on those whose shape testifies for their love of the sweets you so skillfully craft. (Also, my sadist of a mom gave me a name like Unnamed Filly. That can't be helping.)"
Diamond Tiara: "Wait, somepony other than Silver Spoon or my daddy likes me? What is this I don't even"
CMC: "We love you Miss Cheerilee!"
Cheerilee: "Um, wow. That's... an impressive card, girls."
Cheerilee: ("Sigh... Looks like I'm gonna have to start renting that warehouse after all. Curse my popularity with ambitious children!")
Applebloom: "Only tha best fer tha best teacher in that whole wide world!"
Sweetie Belle: "Well, I'm sure it's nothing compared to what your Very Special Somepony gave you. Not that I'm fishing for details or anything. Wink wink nudge nudge."
Cheerilee: "Oh, I don't actually have any VSS at the moment."
Sweetie Belle: "Aw, that's so romanti...."
Sweetie Belle: "GASP!"
Scootaloo: "SHOCK!"
Applebloom: "HORROR!"
Sweetie Belle: "That makes no sense! You're freaking perfect! I use you as a Mary Sue in all my fanfics!"
Cheerilee: "...Thank you? I think?"
Applebloom: "How can somepony as awesome as ya be single?!"
Cheerilee: "(Self-control... Self-control... Self-control...)"
Cheerilee: "Don't worry, girls. I may be 'single', but I'm not lonely. I have an abundance of good friends, and a wealth of students I love. So, really... I don't need romance to be happy."
CMC: "..."
Sweetie Belle: "What mad Moon language was she speaking? Did you understand a single word?"
Applebloom: "This here be an affront to tha way Ah personally believe things ought ta be! If anyone deserves a VSS, it's her!"
Sweetie Belle: "Wait! My crusader sense is tingling!"
Applebloom and Scootaloo: "Oooooh!"
Sweetie Belle: "We're gonna get Miss Cheerilee her own VSS!"
Applebloom and Scootaloo: "OOOOOOH!"

Twilight: "Did you hear that, Spike? That was the Brohoof of Doom. I am needed."

Sweetie Belle: "OK, girls, we can't settle for less here. Miss Cheerilee is made of win and love, so we gotta find her the perfect stallion."
Scootaloo: "Wait... The perfect stallion? Beg your pardon?"
Sweetie Belle: "Um... OK, look... Keep this to yourselves, OK? It's just that... I've heard rumors... According to certain, ah, sources that can't be less trustworthy than wild guesses, well... Rumor has it that Miss Cheerilee is, you know. One of them... heterosexuals."
Applebloom: "GASP!"
Sweetie Belle: "Not that there's anything wrong with that!"
Applebloom: "No, no, of course not. It's just weird, ya know?"
Scootaloo: "It also means our job will be more complicated than expected, if we need to look only among the stallions. How many of these does Ponyville have, anyway?"

[To the tune of "Be a Man":]
CMC: "Let's get down to business
To find her - the One!
Is there any stallion
With whom she'll - have fun?
They're the saddest bunch we've ever met
But you can bet - before we're through
Sister I'll find a stallion for you!

Handsome like prince Blueblood
But with depth - within
Must be the right age group
Clever, kind - and clean!
Sure the stallions here are made of suck
With no worth, except as glue
Sister I'll find a stallion for you!

Doctor Whooves' busy with Daleks
Twilight is no gender-bender
Sadly Fancy Pants remains in Canterlot
The classy ones are smartalec
Filthy Rich has quite the temper
The Mysterious Benefactor only loves to plot!

(Find a man) He must be swift as a coursing river
(Find a man) With all the force of a great typhoon
(Find a man) With all the strength of a raging fire
Mysterious as the mane of Night Mare Moon!

Time is racing toward us - 'Til HH day ends
The good ones are taken - inconvenient trend!
They're unsuited for - our teach, for sure
Let's pack up, go home, we're through
How could we find a stallion for you?

(Find a man) He must be swift as a coursing river
(Find a man) With all the force of a great typhoon
(Find a man) With all the strength of a raging fire
Mysterious as the mane of Night Mare Moon!

(Find a man) He must be swift as a coursing river
(Find a man) With all the force of a great typhoon
(Find a man) With all the strength of a raging fire
Mysterious as the mane of Night Mare Moon!"


Sweetie Belle: "Well, looks like there's only one stallion in town worthy of Miss Cheerilee who isn't already taken: Big MacIntosh!"
Applebloom: "Mah brother? Seriously?"
Sweetie Belle: "Think about it: Strong enough to send the townsponies flying. Likes dolls, so obviously he's sensitive. Nicest guy ever. Virtually as honest as the Exalt of Honesty. Smart enough to run Sweet Apple Acre's accounting. And that handsome, rugged frame..."
Scootaloo: "Sweetie Belle? You're drooling."
Applebloom: "Look... far from me ta suggest mah brother is anythin' short o' awesome, but... he's way too shy. No way he'll evah ask Miss Cheerilee out - the guy nevah speaks fer himself."
Scootaloo: "...Are you sure that's because he's shy? You know, as opposed to because no-one in his family listens to reason, so opening his mouth is a waste of time?"
Applebloom: "Ah have no idea what ye're talkin' about."
Sweetie Belle: "OK, look. It's not like love is complicated. All we need to do is set up a sufficiently romantic setting, and these two will be together for sure!"
Scootaloo: "Makes sense to me!"
Applebloom: "That does sound foolproof when ya talk about it without acknowledging tha possibility o' failure!"


Cheerilee: "All right, girls, I'm here. You said you wanted my help identifying a tree near the gazebo?"
CMC: "Yup! That one!"
Cheerilee: "Girls... That's an apple tree."
Cheerilee: "The kind you, Applebloom, spend most of your time around."
Cheerilee: "Not only have we gone over this in your first semester's biology lessons, it's common knowledge."
Cheerilee: "My students are unable to so much as identify an apple tree."
Cheerilee: "I am a failure as a teacher."
Cheerilee: "My life is a lie."
Cheerilee: "There's nothing left for me anymore. Nothing but to walk into the Everfree Forest until I chance into a predator large enough to eat me, allowing my unworthy flank to at last be of some use by returning to the food chain."
Big Mac: *arrives to fix the gazebo*
Gazebo: *needed no repairs*
Applebloom: "MY goodness, big bro, Ah guess we ended up fixin' it on our own. Sorry fer makin' ya come here fer nuthin'... Buuuut, since ya and tha pretty, lovely, and very single Miss Cheerilee are already here, and a romantic picnic fer two has already been set up here fer nopony in particular, why don't the two of ya enjoy it while we go ta somewhere that is clearly not these bushes perfect fer eavesdroppin'?"
CMC: *hide in the bushes*
Applebloom: "They suspect nuthin'!"
Sweetie Belle: "Geniuses. We're manipulative geniuses!"
Scootaloo: "Ours is the subtlety that will pierce the heavens!"
Scootaloo: "...Still, it's one thing to set up the perfect crime like this. It's another for it to work. Are you sure this will get them together?"
Sweetie Belle: "Of course! When have we ever failed at anything?"
Scootaloo: "Good point!"
Cheerilee: "..."
Big Mac: "..."
Cheerilee: "Aaaaaaaaaaawkwaaaaaard."
Big Mac: "Eyup."
Cheerilee: "Do you think we should tell them that..."
Big Mac: "Nnope."
Cheerilee: "Right, right."
Cheerilee: *looks into Big Mac's soft eyes*
CMC: "Any moment now..."
Cheerilee: *gazes attentively at Big Mac's rugged masculine face, noticing something for the first time*
CMC: "Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes!"
Cheerilee: "Oh Big Mac..."
CMC: "Love and crusades FTW!"
Cheerilee: "...you have something stuck in your teeth."
Sweetie Belle: "YOU'RE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE YOU BUCKING TEASE!"
Big Mac: "Eyup."
Cheerilee: "Well, this has been... weird as buck, I guess, but I need to get going. Still, always nice to run into a friend!"
CMC: "NOOOOOOOOOO! Not the Dreaded Friendzone Technique?!"
Big Mac: "Eyup."


Applebloom: "Ah can't believe we failed at somethin'!"
Scootaloo: "I know! It's gonna take me all day to repress the memory!"
Applebloom: "Hm. Ah wonder if there's anything else we could do..."
TWILIGHT CRASH!
Twilight: "Oh, terribly sorry, STOOPI - I mean, girls. So sorry. I just, ah, didn't see you there because I was busy reading this book. Because that's what I do, you know: Reading books. Which doesn't leave me any time to hear you singing all over town about your matchmaking attempts. Nope, it's just books."
Twilight: "More specifically, I've been reading this fascinating books about the origins of H&H day. Did you know the whole thing for started with a..." *drumroll* "...Love Potion?"
CMC: "GASP! The Plot, it comes knocking on our doorstep!"
Applebloom: "Wait, wait, back up. How could a love potion have started a holiday? Ah though holidays were all 'Holy Crap We're Not Dead' parties that turned inta traditions. Like Nightmare Night, or Hearth's Warmin' Eve, or Freedom Bell Day, or Thank Celestia We're Not G3 Mornin', or Cupcakes Isn't Canon Afternoon..."
Applebloom: "Actually, never mind. Ya said..."
Sweetie Belle: "...love potion?"
Twilight: "Correct. This book even describes how to make it. In painstaking detail."
Sweetie Belle: "Any chance we could... borrow this book you're in the middle of reading? For no reason? Just because we're such dedicated intellectuals?"
Twilight: "Well, you are entirely trustworthy, responsible, thoughtful fillies who would never do something STOOPID with alchemy, so I don't see why not!"
CMC: "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" *gallop away*
Twilight: "...I know I'm not supposed to encourage them, but maybe a big enough disaster now will teach them a lesson that'll spare the rest of us a lot of pain later."
Twilight: "Still, better make sure the rest of the Elemental Harmony Squad drinks nothing but bottled water today. Just in case we need the Rainbow Deathray."


Applebloom: "Tuft of cloud?"
Scootaloo: "Check!"
Sweetie Belle: "Ergh. Scoots, you need to either lose weight, or learn to fly already."

Applebloom: "A rainbow's glow?"
Scootaloo: "Check!"
Monochrome Rainbow: "BEHOLD THE POWER OF DARKNESS!" *warps away in search of Tirac*
Applebloom: "...Ah'm sure that wasn't important."

Applebloom: "A pegasus feather?"
Sweetie Belle: "Check!"
Scootaloo: "Ow!"


Applebloom: "Ya know... Ah'm feelin' a little bit guilty 'bout trickin' an' brainwashin' Miss Cheerilee an' mah big brother like that."
Sweetie Belle: "What's the big deal? All we're doing is lie to them and violate their free will."
Scootaloo: "It's not like anything could go wrong."
Sweetie Belle: "And there's nothing wrong about disrespecting someone else's agency if you're only doing it because you figure they'd be better off doing what you think they should be doing, right?"
Applebloom: "Yeah, not sure why Ah was concerned fer a moment there."
Scootaloo: "Will you two stop yapping - here they come!"
Cheerilee: "Hello again, girls. And hello, Big Mac."
Cheerilee: "So, what was it this time? I hope you don't want my help identifying the color of the grass."
Sweetie Belle: "PUNCH!"
Cheerilee: "...Excuse me?"
Sweetie Belle: "Go beyond all sanity and punch reason to the curb! That's how the Cutie Mark Crusaders roll!"
Sweetie Belle: "...By which I mean that we made punch, and we want to sell it as an alternative to cider when it isn't cider season, and we thought you two would be perfect for testing it. Together."
Sweetie Belle: "Quick! Let's run before they suspect anything!"
CMC: *dive into nearby bush*
Cheerilee and Big Mac: "..."
Cheerilee: "I am so sorry about this. I made the mistake of admitting I was single, and now, they're trying to set you up with me."
Cheerilee and Big Mac: "..."
Cheerilee and Big Mac: "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Cheerilee: "Heh... Don't get me wrong, I love all my students and expect them all to grow into wonderful ponies, but... Kids are bucking idiots!"
Big Mac: "No lie."
Cheerilee: "Still, I suppose we might as well humor them now, and lecture them later. The punch does look good..."
CMC: *hold their breath*
Cheerilee and Big Mac: *drink the third most evil substance in the world, after Smooze and chlorine trifluoride*
Cheerilee: *looks into Big Mac's soft eyes*
CMC: "Any moment now..."
Cheerilee: *gazes attentively at Big Mac's rugged masculine face, noticing something for the first time*
CMC: "Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes!"
Cheerilee: "Oh Big Mac..."
CMC: "Love and crusades FTW!"
Cheerilee: "...will you be my VSS?"
Big Mac: "Eyup!"
Sweetie Belle: "YOU'RE DOING THIS ON... Wait, it worked?"
CMC: "Teacher and Big Mac sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
Cheerilee: "He's my Very Special Somepony!"
Big Mac: "Eyup!"
CMC: "D'awwwwwww!"
Sweetie Belle: "Love is awesome!"
Cherilee: "He's my supercalifragilisticexpialidocious sweetie pie!"
Big Mac: "She's my antidisestablishmentarianism cutie-wootie!"
CMC: "...Pony what?"
Cheerilee: "He's my monosaccharide woozie-schnoozy!"
Big Mac: "She's my sucralose teeny-weeny!"
CMC: "What the buck?!"
Applebloom: "Big Mac! Say something! Something sensible!"
Sweetie Belle: "Miss Cheerilee? Does your brilliant mind have anything to say about this situation?"
Cheerilee: "I... have a VSS."
Cheerille: "Which stands for Very Sugary Sweet."
Cheerilee and Big Mac: *nuzzle*
Sweetie Belle: "...It may not be entirely impossible that a mistake was made somewhere, at some point, by someone."
Scootaloo: "Hard to believe, but the evidence..."
Big Mac: "You're my Darling Itty Angelic Bitty Eeny Teeny Eegy Sugarplum."
CMC: "Eeeeeeeeeeew!"
Scootaloo: "Love is gross!"


Applebloom: "Ah don't get it. What could possibly have gone wrong?"
Sweetie Belle: "Um... Ergh... You know, in retrospect, we should probably have read this book more carefully."
Scootaloo: "Why, what did the boring parts that we didn't need for our plan say?"
Sweetie Belle: "Well, you know how every holiday in Equestria celebrates how ponykind has miraculously survived some apocalyptic threat or another?"
Applebloom: "Yeah..."
Sweetie Belle: "Well, apparently, this love potion - sometimes nicknamed love poison - was one such apocalyptic threat."
Scootaloo: "Not good."
Sweetie Belle: "It was used in an attempt to matchmake a royal couple. Unfortunately, it works by hijacking the subject's thought process, making them completely focused on the one they love, at the expense of all other considerations - including empathy, common sense, morals, and survival instincts. With both royals no longer fit to rule, but officially still in charge, things went... poorly."
Applebloom: "How poorly are we talkin' about here?"
Sweetie Belle: "Try to imagine all political life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in the governing body exploding at the speed of light. Total anarchic reversal."
Applebloom: "Right. That's bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Sweetie Belle."
Applebloom: "EXCEPT IT'S TOO LATE! Now we have not only decerebrated mah brother an' our teacher, we've also unleashed doom upon Ponyville!"
Scootaloo: "Hey, let's not get hyperbolic here! Sure, it's bad, but it's not like Big Mac and Miss Cheerilee have any royal duties..."
Applebloom: "THIS CHANGES NUTHIN'! Without Big Mac ta handle tha farm, Applejack will work herself ta tha bone like last applebuck season, an' before ya know it, Ponyville will be starvin' from food shortage! An' without Miss Cheerilee ta teach 'em, tha townsponies will all get tha dumbs! It'll be like a zombie invasion o' stoopids!"
Sweetie Belle: "Would this be a good time to mention that the book explains how to cure this?"
Applebloom: "Yes. Yes it would."
Sweetie Belle: "Apparently, the love poison works by locking victims in a self-perpetuating mental loop. If they can be kept, while conscious, from staring into each other's eyes for one hour, the spell will run out of juice!"
Scootaloo: "Only one hour? Pah! We can pull that off in a second!" [/actual dialog]
Applebloom: "Have ya been learnin' math from mah sister?"
Applebloom: "Wait. If all it takes is one hour, why did that whole stoopid thin' cause so much trouble back then? Did they not know tha cure, or...."
Sweetie Belle: "You ever try to keep two royals from doing what they want while the staff aren't sure if they should still be taking their orders?"


At the Sugarcube Corner:
Cheerilee: "You take the first lick!"
Big Mac: "You take the first lick!"
Cheerilee: "You take the first lick!"
Big Mac: "You take the first lick!"
Cheerilee: "You take the first lick!"
Big Mac: "You take the first lick!"
Mrs. Cake: "...I'm all for romance, but this is ridiculous."
Scootaloo: "And nauseating."
Mrs. Cake: "Kinda. Still, I suppose I shouldn't complain. Weddings are good for my business, after all."
Sweetie Belle: "IDEA!"
Applebloom: "Surgically remove their eyes?"
Sweetie Belle: "Better! We'll get them to try and get married, then make sure the preparations keep them away from each other for over an hour! Problem solved!"
Applebloom: "Nice! Social-fu is kind of a family thing for ya, eh?"
Sweetie Belle: "Ahem. How you doin', Miss Cheeriee?"
Cheerilee: "I have a VSS!"
Big Mac: "I have a VSS!"
Applebloom: "No shit, Sherlocks."
Sweetie Belle: "Goodness me. You're so in love, it's a wonder you two aren't married yet."
Cheerilee and Big Mac: "Married?!"
Cheerilee and Big Mac: "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarried."
Appleblooom: "MUST... KEEP... LUNCH... FROM ESCAPING! YOU'RE NOT RUNNING AWAY FROM THIS, LUNCH!"
Applebloom: "Welllllll, bro, if ye're gonna get married, then ya probably should focus on gettin' tha best possible diamond fer yer... URK... honey-bunyy-love-is-funny."
Big Mac: "DIAMONDS ARE A HONEY-BUNNY'S BEST FRIENDS!" *runs off*
Cheerilee: "SCHMOOPY COME BACK!"
Scootaloo: "Now, now. Don't you think you should focus on getting the perfect wedding dress? Can't look anything short of perfect for you... ENGH... Baby-bibby-boony-bear."
Cheerilee: "THE ART OF THE DRESS IS THE SECRET OF MY EXCESS!"
Sweetie Belle: "So far so good. I know Carousel Boutique like the front of my own hoof; I'll trap Miss Cheerilee there. You two handle Big Mac!"


Sweetie Belle: "Here! Try this dress! In this cabin!"
Cheerilee: "Dress dress dress dress dress dress dress!"
Sweetie Belle: "OK, I'm officially done playing matchmaker. Now..."
Sweetie Belle: "....Let's play TETRIS!"
Sweetie Bellen to the tune of "Complete History Of The Soviet Union, Arranged To The Melody Of Tetris": "I am the filly arranging the crap that against your cabin door I must shove!
Loveblocking barrage risking teacher's outrage as I demand that you make peace not love!"
Sweetie Belle: "...Of course, when Rarity sees this mess, I'm gonna have an entirely different problem. Probably involving kung-fu."

Applebloom: "Now, big bro, ya canna pick just any diamond fer Miss Cheerilee. That means ya can only settle for tha best. And that means..."
Jeweler Pony: "BUCK THIS! YOU'VE BEEN DOING NOTHING BUT CRITICIZING EVERY MASTERPIECE I HAVE FOR THE PAST HALF HOUR! IS THIS SOME SORT OF SCAM?! ARE YOU HOPING I'LL GIVE YOU MY BEST ITEMS JUST TO MAKE YOU LEAVE?!"
Applebloom: "Huh. That's a clever idea. I'll hafta remember it."
Applebloom: "Scootaloo, what should we do? I think the salespony is about to crack."
Scootaloo: "Well, maybe you can... Wait, where's Big Mac?!"
Jeweler Pony: "He bought the first diamond I'd shown him and hopped away. Said something about having to find his... cyclamate sweetie. Ew."
Jeweler Pony: "Young ladies, if you throw up on my floor, you'll be cleaning it, kapische?"

Big Mac: "I pierce you with the ack-ack of love, flowerpot."
Applebloom: "Stop quotin' ShadowJack quotin' Pepe le Pew! An' stop hoppin' toward lovin', romantic doom!"
Big Mac: "Nnope!"
Applebloom: *notices two cows carting a heavy load of anvils*
Applebloom: "Jackpot."
Applebloom: *ties Big Mac to cart full of anvils*
Big Mac: *doesn't give a shit*
Cows: "HELP! HELP! CATTLE THIEVES!"
Applebloom: "Ah'm gonna need a bigger mass."


Sweetie Belle: "Scootaloo? What are you doing here? Where's Big Mac?"
Scootaloo: "On his way here!"
Sweetie Belle: "Oh no. Think, think, think! What would someone with a working brain do?"


Applebloom: "Game Over, Big Mac! Yer reign o' hoppin' terror an' inertia ends right here!"
Applebloom: *ties Big Mac to Berry Punch's house*
Applebloom: "HA! An object at rest CANNA BE STOPPED!"
Big Mac, to the tune and lyrics of Sailor Moon's "The Power of Love": "You gotta belieeeeeve in the power of love!
You gotta belieeeeeve in the power of love!
It gives meaning to each moment, it's what our hearts, are all made of!
You gotta belieeeeeve in the power of love!"
Big Mac: *pulls Berry Punch's house at a non-negligible speed*
Berry Punch: "AH! I'M SORRY! I'LL BUY MORE APPLES! I'LL BUY A SHITTON MORE APPLES!"
Applebloom: "...Fuck."

Applebloom: "Fer buck's sake, big bro, stop! Just stop! Ah'm beggin' here! Ah'm not smart enough ta try and trick ya inta thinkin' Miss Cheerilee is in another part o' town!"
Carousel Boutique: *looms closer and closer*
Applebloom: "This ain't happenin'. This ain't happenin'."
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo: "BAIL OUT, AB! BAIL OUT NOW!"
Applebloom: *ejects*
Big Mac: *falls into pit trap*
Sweetie Belle: "Whew. I'm glad we had the time to pull one of the classics."
Scootaloo: "Even if we didn't have the time to put in the spikes."
Applebloom: "An' time's almost up! We can do this! We can win!"
Big Mac: "SCHMOOPY-DOO!" *tries to climb out of pit*
Cheerilee: "SHOO-BEE-DOO, SHOOB-SHOO-BEE-DOO!" *shatters a path of destruction through Carousel Boutique*
CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS COCKBLOCKERS!
Cheerilee: "YABA DABA DOO!"
CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS BOWLING PINS!
LOVE CRASH!

Cheerilee: "Ahem. Girls, you got some 'splaining to do. A LOT of 'splaining."
Sweetie Belle: "Eheheheheheh. It's a funny story. You know, in a Mel Brooks tragedy is when I cut my finger, comedy's when you fall into an open manhole and die kind of way."
Scootaloo: "So, funny ha-ha."
Sweetie Belle: "Yeah. We, ah, might have brainwashed you two into falling in love with each other. In a way that almost replicated the original Hearts&Hooves Day's Massacre."
Applebloom: "But we only did that because we're really dedicated shippers, and yer unclean singleness had ta be purged! It was fer yer own good!"
Scootaloo: "Our hearts and hooves were in the right place!" [/actual dialog]
Sweetie Belle: "Well, except for when our hooves were handling a mind-control potion. That probably wasn't the right place."
Applebloom: "But ya know how it is. Hindsight is twenny-twenny!"
Cheerilee: "Girls, I'm sure your intentions were good. And I'm glad that you care about us and want us to be happy. But I'm not quite certain that this is enough to quell the THERMONUCLEAR RAGE welling up inside me."
Applebloom: "We understand. No matter how much we cared, this was still none o' our business. We shouldn't have gotten involved."
Scootaloo: "The heart wants what it wants, and you can't force others to be together against their will."
Sweetie Belle: "And brainwashing is bad, m'kay?"
CMC: "WE'RE SORRY!"
Cheerilee: "Glad to hear it."
Cheerilee: "Now, you can reflect on how sorry you are while doing aaaaaaall of Big Mac's farm chores until I'm 100% positive that this particular lesson has well and truly sunk in."
Big Mac: "Eyup."
CMC: "Crap."


Scootaloo: "I think I've had a revelation: FARMING SUCKS!"
Applebloom: "No offence intended, Ah'm sure."
Sweetie Belle: "This sucks. With all this work, we don't even have any time left for crusading! We really screwed up this time."
Cheerilee: "Indeed you have. But hey, learning from mistakes is an essential part of education!"
Applebloom: "Oh hey there, Miss Cheerilee. Are ya here ta lift our punishment 'cause we done learned our lesson?"
Cheerilee: "Ha ha ha NO."
Cheerilee: "As a matter of fact... Since you're doing all of his chores, Big Mac here is taking me on a picnic date at the gazebo. Ready, sugar bear?"
Big Mac: "Eyup, pumpkin pie!"
CMC: "GASP!"
CMC: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Big Mac: "Heh. Messing with children's heads is fun."
Cheerilee: "Eyup."


Berry Punch: "And by the end of it, my house was in the middle of Mane Street! Oh, how I wish this was alcoholic cider!"
Twilight Sparkle: "I feel your pain, sister. I feel your pain."

 

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

Twilight: "I... I..." *shudders* "...I was surrounded by idiots!"

Click to shrink...

Hey, twilight? Kinda hate-no, actually I don't 'hate' to say it. But it must be said. You've made some pretty effing stupid decisions, too. All the way through to season nine.

HEARTS AND HOOVES DAY

Click to shrink...

Or the episode where the CMC use a date rape drug on Cheerilee and Big Mac.

 

[sun tzu]

*prepares for the onslaught of RK_Striker's rage at Pinkie*



Fancy Pants: "Ms. Trophy, we're needed."
Trophy: "By all means, my dear Fancy Pants... but, please. It's 'Fleur De Lys' this week."
Fancy Pants: "Ah, certainly."
Fleur De Lys: "So, what is the matter this time?"
Fancy Pants: "Our good friend the God-Queen has mentioned a couple of con artists who have been trying to establish themselves as the robber barons of the national cider market. She thought it would be prudent if someone... took an interest in the situation."
Fleur De Lys: "Certainly. Any advice on this mission?"
Fancy Pants: "Always keep your monocle on in times of stress, and a watchful eye open for diabolical masterminds."
Fleur De Lys: "So, the usual then."
Fleur De Lys: "..."
Fancy Pants: "Is something the matter?"
Fleur De Lys: "No, it is just... Last week was Hearts and Hooves Day. It got me thinking - mostly about those close to our heart, yet far from us. Life, and even more so our duties, sometimes lead us to lose sight of some good friends. And then, it occurred to me that you'd been at this longer than I have. Which led me to wonder if you had this sort of regrets."
Fancy Pants: "Such is life, I'm afraid. I particularly miss an old colleague from my early days."
Fleur De Lys: "Oh? A fellow badass in Her Majesty's service?"
Fancy Pants: "On the contrary, he was a very, very good ass."



A FRIEND IN DEED



Pinkie Pie: *gearing up montage*
Pinkie Pie: *flashy to the max*
Pinkie Pie: *keeping fun in shape*
Pinkie Pie: "As Celestia is my witness, the 80s will never die!"
Pinkie Pie: "Pinxercize! Pinxercize! Pinxercize!"
The Fourth Wall: *mumbles to itself* "She can't see me... She can't see me... She can't see me..."
Pinkie Pie: "So, whaddaya think?!"
Pound Cake, who can't really talk yet: "Verily, that was weird as fuck."
Pumpkin Cake, who can't really talk yet: "You're weird. Has anyone told you that? You're weird."
Pinkie Pie: "You guys are the most unforgiving audience ever. Even with Night Mare Moon, I could at least believe she hadn't actually heard me."
Pinkie Pie: *sits without looking first*
Pinkie Pie: "WHY DO CALLTROPS HURT SO MUCH?!"
Pound&Pumpkin: "Yay! Pinkie's pain is funny!"
Pinkie Pie: "Still got it!"
Pinkie Pie: "...for a value of 'it' that isn't my dignity or my good health."


Pinkie Pie: "All of Ponyville is on good terms with me. I have seen its true face. Well! Let's put a smile on that face!"
Pinkie Pie: "Lookin' good, Daisy-Joe! The Cakes got your favorite oatmeal ready!"
Daisy-Joe, cow: "Moo."
Daisy-Joe: "...And thanks."
Pinkie Pie: "Hiya, Lyra! Glad you and Bonbon have made up!"
Lyra, pony: "Just the usual ups-and-downs of a healthy relationship, Pinkie."
Pinki Pie: "Yo there, Applebloom! Here's that copy of Not Failing At Life For Derps I promised! Just be sure to return it to Twilight's library by the end of the week!"
Applebloom, public menace: "Sure thing, and thanks!"
Pinkie Pie: "Good morning, doc! Hope ya liked the jelly babies!"
Doctor Whooves, time lord: "Sure did, Pinkie."
Pinkie Pie: "Happy birthday, Cheerilee! As your birthday present, I've been giving self-help books to all your students!"
Cheerilee, pony: "...and then make them work at Sweet Apple Acre for another week just to be... Oh, hey there, Pinkie Pie! Why thank you!"
Pinkie Pie: "Happy day after your birthday, Zecora!"
Zecora, zebra: "Look, mom: No rhymes!"
Pinkie Pie: "Habby birthday, Mathilda!"
Mathilda, donkey:
Pinkie Pie: "...in 132 days!"
Mathilda:
Mathilda: "Honestly, Pinkie Pie, how do you do this? How can you even remember the pertinent details about every single denizen of this town?"
Pinkie Pie: "I'm Pinkie! The Living Rolodex!"
Pinkie Pie: "Eidetic memory aside, the secret of my success is emotional content: It's always easier to remember something when you really care about it! And me? I'm Pinkie Responsibility Pie. I've spent half my foalhood staring into the Abyss of Despair and Joylessness, and then I made it blink. I know what sadness feels like, and as Celestia is my witness, I will protect everyone I care about from it!"
Pinkie Pie: "So, sure. Maybe 24 hours in a day and 365 days in a year doesn't leave enough time to have a deep and meaningful relationship with the whole town, the way I do with the Cakes or the Elemental Harmony Squad. But you know what? A stranger's just a friend you haven't gotten to know yet, and I have dedicated my life to making all my friends smile!"
[To the tune of "Where's the Fun in That":]
Pinkie Pie: "You can be a grumpy two-shoes 'til the end of your days
You can listen to them say the rainbow's gray
You can drown in your own tears, and feel perma-sad
But Pinkie will not let it stand! Where's the fun in that?
Where's the fun in that?

So smile! Darn you, smile!
Everypony loves to grin!
Follow my lead, recite my creed
And smile! Darn you, smile!

Don't give in to depression nor to dark clouds of doom
Those silly-willies ruin your fun
That's why I strive to eradicate gloom
It's from that itch I made the switch and chose my nom de plume
PINKIE!
There's the fun in that!
There's the fun in that!

So smile! Darn you, smile!
Everypony ought to laugh!
And so with glee, I do decree
Just smile! Darn you, smile!

When living gets a little rough
And you find it hard to cope
I'm the friend with just the stuff
To fill you full of hope!

Just smile! Darn you smile!
Everypony needs a laugh
Hear every joke! Laugh 'til you choke!
Just smile! Darn you, smile!
Darn you, smile!
Everypony loves to grin!
Follow my lead, recite my creed
And smile! Darn you, smile!"

Pinkie Pie: *sees donkey*
Pinkie Pie: "Hey! You're new here!"
Donkey: "Kid, you're smarter than you look." [/actual dialog]
Pikie Pie: "Thanks!"
Pinkie Pie: "...I think?"
Pinkie Pie: "Welcome to Ponyville! What's your name?"
Donkey: "My first encounter with the dame quickly went to Dream Valley in a handbasket. She looked like a basketcase herself, but I can't always choose who I meet. I'm Cranky Doodle Donkey. I'm a retired professional snoop for the crown."
Cranky: "She was the pushy type. The kind who'd break your heart, or maybe your forelegs. I hurried away. No luck, she followed."
Pinkie Pie: "Ooh! This calls for a welcome song!"
Pinkie Pie: "Cranky Doodle Donkey's here
Meeting with a pony!
Stuck a feather in his cart
and- "
Cranky: *puts gun in Pinky's mouth*
Crancy: "The click of a hammer being cocked in front of her teeth focused her thoughts like only a loaded .38 can."
Cranky: "NOPONY. CALLS ME. DOODLE."
Pinkie Pie: "..."
Pinkie Pie: "What the hay just happened?"
Pinkie Pie: "I met someone new. I introduced myself. I sang a song. We're supposed to be instant best friends by this point! Just like I was with Twilight, or Rainbow Dash, or Gilda, or..."
Pinkie Pie: "...Oh. Right. Additional effort required!"

Pinkie Pie: "To recap: Frowny-pants are a cowardly, superstitious lot. I must be able to strike joy into their hearts. To turn their frown upside down, I must become a creature of the rainboom: Utterly unstoppable!"
Pinkie Pie: "Cranky! Bestest pal! Lemme show you around!"
Cranky: "The Pie dame's type and I never hit it off, although occasionally we hit each other. Pinkie's high-functioning autism and hyperactivity combo suggested somebody upstairs had a weird sense of humor. But I hadn't come to this place for laughs. I needed peace and quiet."
Cranky: "Listen right here, kid- "
Pinkie Pie: "Aw, you can call me Pinkie! All of my... friends do." *turns on charm*
Cranky: "Listen right here, KID!" *beware of pretty faces that you find; a pretty face can hide an evil mind!* "I have spent my life traveling all over Equestria. I have made more friends than you have working brain cells. I am not interested in being your friend, specifically! Especially since I've come to Ponyville for some peace and quiet, to be alone with my memories!"
Pinkie Pie: "Wait wait what? Over the past year or two, Ponyville's been visited by Pony Satan, nearly suffered a cow stampede, actually suffered a bunny stampede, got attacked by an Ursa, nearly suffered chemical winter because of a dragon, was ransacked by parasprites, suffered through the rise of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, had two high-class fashion shows, was ground zero for the Ebon Dragon's reality warping, suffered mass mind control after that, had God-Queen Luna throw a temper tantrum, had a resurgence of the cutie pox, survived the plots of Mysterious Benefactor Inc., was attacked by a feral dragon, suffered a massive cider scam, hosted multiple royal visits... AND we live on the border of the Hellmouth forest!"
Cranky: "That's what I said: Some peace and quiet."
Pinkie Pie: "...Suddenly, I'm really curious about your life."
Pinkie Pie: "But I'm even more curious about all these cool gizmos in your cart! Ooh! What's this one do?"
Cranky: "Suddenly, I pulled her in an alley, squeezed her spine into an accordion, and played a polka on her with brass knuckles!"
Cranky: "Don't touch my stuff, flat-hoof!"
Pinkie Pie: "Okey-dokey-lokey! Lemme show you my welcome wagon instead!"
Cranky: "Let's not and say we did."
Pinkie Pie: "Pleeeeease! I'll be your friend!"
Cranky: *glares*
Pinkie Pie: "Pretty please with sugary-sweet desperation on top?"
Cranky: "I'd planned to spend the rest of the day with my two buddies. One was a cart, and I need to get it unloaded. The other was a flask, and I needed it to GET loaded. Confound this pony, she drives me to drink."
Cranky: "The LAST thing I wanted this morning was a NUTCASE to deal with, but the dame who brought this on was PERSUASIVE. Most dames ARE, somehow."
Cranky: "Just get this over with."
Pinkie Pie: "Lock and load!"
Welcome Wagon: *shoots Cranky's wig off his head*
Wig: *lands on Pinkie*
Pinkie Pie: "AUGH! Ebon parasprite! KILL! KILL! KILL!"
Cranky: "Good Lady she's murdering my wig! I didn't even know you could murder wigs!"
Pinkie Pie: "Oopsie."
Cranky: "Must... control... hooves... of death..."
Pinkie Pie: "Me fix! Me fix!"
Pinkie Pie: "HEY EVERYPONY! DOES ANYPONY HAVE A TOUPEE? THIS DONKEY IS REALLY, REALLY BALD!" [/actual dialog]
Cranky: "..."
Cranky: "...I'm an ass. What's your excuse?"
Pinkie Pie: "Why is everypony laughing? Bald donkeys are srs bzns!"
Cranky: "Buck this. I'm solving this Philomena Foundation-style." *makes self wig outta patch of ground*
Pinkie Pie: "Uh-oh. He's trying to solve by himself a problem I created! No good. Must. Establish. Friendship!"
Pinkie Pie: "Cranky! Let me make it up to you!"
Cranky: "NO!"
Pinkie Pie: "Don't you give me that! You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile!"
Pinkie Pie: "Aloe! Vera! This is a SPA emergency - I need you to keep this gentleass occupied for the next hour!"

Cranky: "The incense smoke mixed with the smoke coming outta my ears. If my luck was as great as my frustration, the dame would have forgotten me by this point. Instead, she was waiting for me right outside the SPA."
Pinkie Pie: "Hey there, shiny buddy! Iiiiiii got a gift for you!"
Cranky: "Is it the gift of quiet and personal space?"
Pinkie Pie: "No, it's a good gift! Here - my friend Rarity made this wig! She calls it the Ponny Bravo!"
Cranky: "A wig designed by the Tyrant of the Underdark herself?"
Cranky: "...Very nice. Thank you. Good bye."
Pinkie Pie: "...Huh. I scored a point, but still no smile. This will require more work."


Cranky: "I stepped into the sunny street and reviewed the facts. There weren't many."
Cranky: "I had an entire cart to unload, and a house to move into. Meanwhile, the Pie dame had shown up once again, insistently harassing me."
Cranky: "Questions pour down like the photons. Who IS this gal? What is she trying to accomplish? Why is she in such a hurry? And what difference does it make if I'm her friend?"
Cranky: "I had a hunch that, before it was over, I'd be sorry I asked."
Pinkie Pie: "Oooh! All this neat stuff! Where did you get the Derpy globe?"
Cranky: "Manehattan. Now put it down gently, and nopony gets hurt."
Pinkie Pie: "Manehattan? What were you doing there?"
Cranky's imaginary self: "I'd volunteered for an assignment to hunt down a cell of Tambelon infiltrators. Mostly because I had personal reasons to look for someone in town."
Cranky's actual self: "...I was trying to find a friend."
Pinkie Pie: "Well, plenty of friends to make in Ponyville!"
Cranky: "This was a special friend."
Pinkie Pie: "Like me?"
Cranky: "...Your 'special' is an entirely different euphemism, kid."
Pinkie Pie: "I'll take what I can get!"
Pinkie Pie: "Hey, what about this li'll gizmo?"
Cranky: "From Fillydelphia."
Pinkie Pie: "It's awfully pretty."
Cranky: "She was. I mean it is! I mean, put it down!"
Pinkie Pie: *finds scrapbook*
Pinkie Pie: "Hey, isn't that... Cranky, who's..."
Pinkie Pie: *activates Rube Goldberg machine*
Rube Goldberg Machine: *sets scrapbook on fire*
Cranky: "NOOOOOOOOOO!"
Pinkie Pie: *puts fire out. With book-destroying water;*
Cranky: "NOOOOOOOOOO!"
Pinkie Pie: "All right. Mistakes were made. Accidents were had. Very good friends caused less-than-perfect things to happen to each other. But let's keep it all in perspective here, shall we? What's more important - an irreplaceable scrapbook containing precious mementos, or your newfound best friendship?"
Cranky: *puts gun in Pinkie's mouth*
Cranky: "I introduced the dame to a friend who's very close to my heart. Just a little down and left, to be specific. My friend is an eloquent speaker. He made three profound arguments while I excused the dame from the room. Folks always leave when the talk gets philosophical."
Cranky: "And just in case I wasn't being clear, kid: I will never, ever, ever, EVER, EVER BE YOUR FRIEND!"
Pinkie Pie: "Gasp! Four 'evers'? That's... That's like an eternity!"


Pinkie Pie: "And then he wasn't my friend! It was horrible!"
Twilight: "Look, Pinkie... I know from personal experience you can come on too strong, and the wrong way. My official welcome to Ponyville didn't exactly make me happy, either."
Twilight: "Now, I realize you've got a lot of your identity invested in being friends with everyone, but we've already established that it's not happening. And Cranky, well..."
A Reading Rainbow (Dash): "...and Cranky doesn't feel like putting up with a hyperactive Loony Toon pink crazyblob."
Twilight: "...Someone is maintaining jerkass status, I see."
Pinkie Pie: "Sigh... I get what you're saying."
Pinkie Pie: "I can't force somepony to like me. I can't be the Bringer of Smiles for every single person I meet. What I should do is step back, let Cranky get his footing in town, maybe write a letter once things have cooled down a bit."
Twilight: "Glad to see you hear reason!"
Pinkie Pie: "...But if I did that, then Twilight would no longer be surrounded by idiots, and then the entire premise of the show would be wrong! And that's terrible!"
Twilight: "Pony what."
Pinkie Pie: "So instead, I'm going to hunt Cranky down and harass him until he formally accepts my apology!"
Twilight: *facebook*
Twilight: *'cause she has no palms*


And so, soon enough...
Pinkie Pie: "Give it up, Cranky! I will make you accept my apology even if I have to hunt you to the end of the Earth!"
Cranky: "Holy smoke, you're a freaking toon!"
Pinkie Pie: "Surprised?"
Cranky: "Not really. That lame-brained Rube Goldberg machine could only have been activated by a toon!"
Pinkie Pie: "Not just any toon!"

Cranky: "And so, here I was, fortified within my own home..."
Pinkie Pie: "Cranky! Pleeeeease let me make it up to you!"
Cranky: "Oh no! Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..."
Pinkie Pie: "There's gotta be something I can do!"
Cranky: "No! You've ruined my book! The only think I had to remember her by!"
Pinkie Pie: "...and the last piece of the puzzle slides in."

Cranky: "Fucking people. Maybe I should have gone to the desert frontier after all..."
Pinkie Pie: "Iiiiiiit's PINKIE!"
Cranky: "No! Go away, kid! Go awaaaaay!"
Pinkie Pie: "Cranky, I understand you're mad at me, and you hate me, and you're probably going to borrow a time machine from Doctor Whooves so you can go back and prevent my birth, but before you do..."
Cranky: "DOES CRANKY NEED TO CHOKE A BITCH?!"
Mathilda: "I do not believe that will be necessary."
Cranky: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cranky: "Mathilda? What is this I don't even"
Pinkie Pie: "Elementary, my dear Cranky!"
Pinkie Pie: "You said you'd been looking for a special friend. I do know what that means, y'know."
Pinkie Pie: "My other informant was your scrapbook. Before it was ruthlessly murdered by Murphy's Law, it was able to give me several clues - all of which pointed toward the Grand Galloping Galla, and to similar clues found in Mathilda's scrapbook!"
Cranky: "And you knew that because..."
Pinkie Pie: "They don't call me the Living Rolodex for nothing."
Mathilda: "Delightful to finally see you again, Doodle."
Pinkie Pie: "Ack! Nopony call him Doodle! Nopony calls him Doodle!"
Cranky: "Of course not. That appellation is reserved for her."
Cranky: "Mathilda... The night we meet at the GGG was, truly, The Best Bight Ever."
Mathilda: "Indeed it was, Cranky..."
Cranky: "I was on an early assignment... The God-Queen suspected that Night Mare Moon cultists were plotting to release Smooze at the gala, taking out all of Equestrian high society in one fell swoop. My partner Pants and I had to take the conspiracy down, while trying to enjoy the party so as not to arouse suspicion. I took a little martini (stirred, of course. Shaken is for wimps)... and met both the girl of my dreams, and the cult's high priest."
Mathilda: "Oh, yes. Remember the spell he used to create an evil double of you? Who then threatened to hunt down and murder all your loved ones?"
Cranky: "I recall I used a particularly large caliber against him."
Mathilda: "Yeah, quite the impressive asshole."
Pinkie Pie: "Ow."
Cranky: "After that, we were free to spend the nigh together... A night I could never forget. But the next morning... You were gone."
Mathilda: "Urgent business. But I left you a note..."
Cranky: "...that never reached me. So, I spent the rest of my career taking assignments that allowed me to search for you all over Equestria. But I have to admit...I hadn't thought that the border of the Everfree Hellmouth would be your place of residence."
Mathilda: "We are all full of surprises, Cranky." *kisses him*
Cranky: "What's... going on... feeling... degenerate, vestigial muscles... trying to move..."
Cranky: *smiles*
Pinkie Pie: "YES! Another day, another smile!"
Pinkie Pie: "...So, ah, can you accept my apology now?"
Cranky: "I listened, and understood. That pinkinator was right there. It couldn't be bargained with. It couldn't be reasoned with. It could not be slowed down by pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely would not stop, ever, until I was happy."
Cranky: "So I turned to social-fu."
Cranky: "Yes, Pinkie, I will accept your apology and consider you my friend. A very distant friend who understands my and Mathilda's need for privacy."
Pinkie Pie: "So, what you're saying is no song-and-dance parade throughout Ponyville in honor of our friendship. This week."


Pinkie Pie: "Dear God-Queen Celestia, today I've learned that you can't be friend with everyone andbwahahahaha I can't dictate that with a straight face no seriously c'mon. If Gilda couldn't teach me that, no way this could. But, more seriously, I've learned that there are different kinds of friendships. And some of them will involve a lot more personal space and a lot less Parkour-style running on roofs than others, but they still count as friendships. And in every friendship, the best part is getting to make your friends smile."
God-Queen Luna: "...She doesn't know about Joker gas, right?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Oh hush you."

 

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

*prepares for the onslaught of RK_Striker's rage at Pinkie*

Click to shrink...

What do I have to rage about?

That Pinkie was a complete ASSHOLE in this episode?

That she was pushy, destructive, incredibly self-centered? That she destroyed Cranky's possessions and stalked him all over town? to force him to accept her apology that was more for her than him?

That thanks to the BIGGEST FUCKING ASSPULL I HAVE EVER SEEN she got him as a friend?

That she got her way, despite acting like a complete piece of shit?

Oh, no. Nothing to rage about-no, fuck that.

And fuck Pinkie Pie. Fuck her and fuck this episode and fuck attempts to defend it.

 

[sun tzu]

God-Queen Celestia: *sips tea*
God-Queen Celestia: "Hello there, narrator."
Huh? Oh, hi. What about...
God-Queen Celestia: "...my correspondence with Mimic? I handled it earlier today. No prying eyes."
What? But-
God-Queen Celestia: "I do not mind your occasional peeks, but today's correspondence was going to touch on some private matters. No offence."
Ah, OK. What about...
God-Queen Celestia: "I'm afraid I will not be having an informative conversation with Fancy Pants either at the moment. In fact, I need to spend some quality time with my sister. I regret that I do not have the time for infodumps today."
But I wanted...
God-Queen Celestia: "...an explanation about the temporary, uncharacteristic rise in jerkass behavior in Ponyville. I know. Sorry."
Then how...
God-Queen Celestia: "I suppose Twilight would have been able to explain it. A shame this scene was wasted here. So, what have we learned today?"
...Not to overuse the same type of episode introduction?
God-Queen Celestia: "Precisely, friend. Well done."
...
...Ahem. Onward.



PUTTING YOUR HOOF DOWN



Fluttershy: "Chow time, everyone!"
Flutershy's pets: "FOOD FOR THE PET GODS! WAAAAAUGH!"
Fluttershy: "Um, maybe you should try to eat slowly and respectfully instead of ravaging your food like a barbarian horde on PCP..."
Fluttershy's pets: "No habla pony, senorita."
Angel the bunny, who cannot speak: "FEED ME, YOU SLOW-AS-FUCK PONY!"
Fluttershy: "Of course, dear. Here's your..."
Angel: "BLECH! I WOULDN'T EAT THIS SHIT IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT! ARE YOU TRYING TO POISON ME?! YOU ARE TRYING TO POISON ME, YOU FUCKING BITCH!"
Fluttershy: "Honey, please don't get mad! Here, have my lunch!"
Angel: "YOU WHORE! YOU UNGRATEFUL WHORE! HOW DARE YOU FEED ME SO POORLY AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU!"
Fluttershy: "But... what would you..."
Angel: "Here. This recipe. GET CRACKING, [CENSORED]!"
Fluttershy: "Whoa. This recipe looks... fancy. I'm not even sure I can make it."
Angel: *pulls out switchblade. KA-CLICK!* "Time to die, nerd-boy."
Fluttershy: "I'll make it please don't get mad honey I love you I'll do it...But, is there any chance I could interest you in-"
Angel: *PIMP-SLAP!* "DOES ANGEL NEED TO CHOKE A BITCH?!"
Fluttershy: "No sir."

Meanwhile:
Spike: "Hey, where did all the lights go?"
Twilight: "I guess the humor got really dark for a moment there. Hopefully that was the end of that."


At the market:
Fluttershy: "Well, I'm sure Angel will calm down and behave himself if I cave in and give him exactly what he wants. Again."
Fluttershy: "Step one: Buy asparagus..."
Jerk Pony: "Step two: Cut in line and buy it first."
Grocer Pony: "Step three: Profit!"
Fluttershy: "Um... You... You cut in line..."
Jerk Pony: "Deep within the Everfree Forest, there lay abandoned ruins. Within these ruins, there is an ancient map. That map shows a treacherous path through Deadhope Mountain, finally leading to the Lost Land of Ruritania. There, in that land, you will at last find someone who cares."
Fluttershy: "..."
Fluttershy: "Well, I suppose it's not the end of the world. It was just one pony-"
Geriatric Pony: *buys asparagus*
Fluttershy: "I sense a long and painful running gag."
Derpy Hooves: *buys asparagus*
Fluttershy: "Um, I was in front of you..."
Derpy Hooves: "Too bad. That's the only direction I can't see in."
Cheerilee: *buys asparagus*
Fluttershy: "I was right there."
Cheerilee: "Oh, terribly sorry. After a whole day of dealing with foals, ponies sometimes don't register with me if they're not being loud or obnoxious."
Big Mac: *buys asparagus*
Fluttershy: "Didn't you notice I was ahead of you?"
Big Mac: "Nnnope."
Mayor Mare: *buys asparagus*
Fluttershy: "But I was..."
Mayor Mare: "...on less tight a schedule than city hall. Bye!"
Cranky Doodle: *buys asparagus*
Fluttershy: "Um..."
Cranky Doodle: "I had some sympathy for the dame. She was unique in her lack of pushyness. But I had no time for sentimentality. There were still a few items missing from my groceries list, and I was on the case."
Trixie: *buys asparagus*
Fluttershy: "Um, I think you just cut in front of me."
Trixie: "The Great and Powerful Trixie has never even met you."
Prince Blueblood: *buys asparagus*
Fluttershy: "...Don't you live in Canterlot?"
Prince Blueblood: "I only now realized that this lady who's been charming the socks off of high society was my murderous date from the Gala. I figured I'd hide in this hick town just to be safe. She'll never find me here. Buying asparagus."
Diamond Dog: *buys asparagus*
Fluttershy: "How does everypony get in front of me?!"
Diamond Dog: "Tunnel network. Duh."
Wind Whistler: *buys asparagus*
Fluttershy: "Aren't you dead?"
Wind Whistler: "Though biological processes, falling under the purview of entropy, are by necessity condemned to a finite existence... As long as there is life, their awesomeness may live forevermore in the hearts of those who remember them."
Fluttershy: "This is going to be one of those days, isn't it?"
Bitchy Pony: *doesn't even bother buying an asparagus*
Bitchier Pony: "Asparagus is soooo yesterday, anyway."
Fluttershy: "That's great. Would it be too much to ask for, then, that you don't stand in my way and prevent me from buying asparagus?"
Bitchy Pony: "Yes. Yes it would."
Bitchier Pony: "We're here. Ergo, you should be somewhere else."
Fluttershy: "Oh."
Fluttershy: "Um."
Fluttershy: "G'bye."
Rarity: "WOW. I think my soul died a little just from watching that."
Pinkie Pie: "Fluttershy? I love ya like a friend, which you are, but you got issues."
Fluttershy: "I read them for the articles!"
Pinkie Pie: "..."
Fluttershy: "...The articles about knot types, and which types of rope chafe the least."
Rarity: "Ahem. Back on topic, please. Fluttershy? You simply cannot allow everyone to impose on you like that."
Fluttershy: "OK."
Rarity: "...I have this feeling my point has been missed."
Nerd Pony: *buys last asparagus*
Fluttershy: "...I can live with that."
Rarity: "Try to live like this!"
Rarity: "Hey there, handsome! Would you terribly mind if I gave you a few random compliments, thus putting you in a good, receptive mood, at which point I could easily give you surgical compliments about your generosity, thus convincing you to act in a manner conforming to the positive self-image I have now given you?"
Nerd Pony: "Don't mind if I do!" *forks over asparagus*
Rarity: "Why thank you very much!" *reimburses him price of asparagus*
Rarity: "See? This is how you manipulate ponies into doing your bidding in a manner that leaves everyone happy."
Fluttershy: "What an... empowering feminist message."
Rarity: "So! What else is on your list?"

Fluttershy: "Oh thank goodness you have tomatoes. Here, one bit."
(Other) Grocer Pony: "Ahem. That'll be two bits."
Fluttershy: "But... It was only one bit last week..."
(Other) Grocer Pony: "Does this look like last week to you? Pay up!"
Fluttershy: "O-OK..."
Pinkie Pie: "Like buck! This kind of hyperinflation is completely irresponsible! I got half-a-mind to tell the Ponyville chamber of commerce about this!"
(Other) Grocer Pony: "This is perfectly legal, so mind your own business!"
Pinkie Pie: "This is perfectly jerky, and inflation is everypony's business!"
(Other) Grocer Pony: "Get a job, ya filthy commie!"
Pinkie Pie: "Do yours right, you price-gouging meanie-pants!"
(Other) Grocer Pony: "It's two bits! No negotiation!"
Pinkie Pie: "One bit! No compromise!"
(Other) Grocer Pony: "Rabbit season!"
Pinkie Pie: "Duck season!"
(Other) Grocer Pony: "Out!"
Pinkie Pie: "Safe!"
(Other) Grocer Pony: "Two bits!"
Pinkie Pie: "Two bits!"
(Other) Grocer Pony: "One bit!"
Pinkie Pie: "Okey-dokey-Loki!"
(Other) Grocer Pony: "...Son of a bitch."

Rarity: "So, what have we learned today?"
Fluttershy: "Ponies are morons to be used and abused?"
Rarity: "Precisely, grasshopper."
Fluttershy: "I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this episode."
Fluttershy: "Oh my alicorn! Only one cherry left! I need it!"
(Yet Another) Grocer Pony: "!"
Fluttershy: "Boy am I glad you still have a cherry! I'm absolutely desperate for it! I need it so very, very bad!"
(Yet Another) Grocer Pony: "...Filly, ya ever heard of supply and demand? 'Cause right now, one's at the bottom of the Mariana Trench, and the other's in the stratosphere. That'll be ten bits, ya derp."
Fluttershy: "Well, I am desperate..."
Rarity: "The Charm, Fluttershy! Use the Charm!"
Fluttershy: "Hey there, um, handsome I guess? Would you, ah terribly mind if I clumsily tried to manipulate you with mumbled, transparent compliments in a pathetic attempt to make you lower your price?"
(Yet Another) Grocer Pony: "Yes. Yes I would. Get lost or get flocked."
Fluttershy: "...OK."
Pinkie Pie: "Don't give up! The power of Bugs Bunny compels him!"
Fluttershy: "Right! Ten bits is outrageous. I refuse to pay anything less than eleven!"
(Yet Another) Grocer Pony: "Pony what."
Fluttershy: "You drive a hard bargain. Twelve then."
(Yet Another) Grocer Pony: "What is this I don't even"
Fluttershy: "You wretched rascal. Thirteen bits and no less!"
(Yet Another) Grocer Pony: "That's... acceptable, I guess?"
Pinkie Pie: "Ow! My bleeding ears! My exploding eyes! Why, Shy, why?!"
Rarity: "Fluttershy? Please cease and desist from this WTFery at once."
Fluttershy: "But... I was only doing what you girls were doing..."
Rarity: "There is no need to be insulting."
Fluttershy: "You don't understand! Angel demands that I put a cherry on top of his food! I don't want him to use the cattle prod! I must have that cherry! No! Matter! The cost!"
(Yet Another) Grocer Pony: "Well, why didn't you say so earlier? Twenty bits!"
Fluttershy: "Ackptxrksl!"
Random Pony: "Yo. I'll pay you two bits for this cherry."
(Yet Another) Grocer Pony: "Cha-ching!"
Fluttershy: "Lskrxtpkca!"
(Yet Another) Grocer Pony: "That's what you get for being such a doormat! Your attempts at assertiveness are bad, and you should feel bad!"
Fluttershy: "Doom and despoliation! WAAAAAAAA!"
(Yet Another) Grocer Pony: "Boy, am I awesome at teaching ponies to be more assertive or what?"


Fluttershy: "So. Um. Angel. I did what you wanted. Spent a few hours getting everything done. Made you the meal you asked for. It's not the end of the world is there's no cherry on top, right?"
Angel: "YOU FUCKING [CENSORED]! DO I LOOK LIKE A [CENSORED] BITCH TO YOU?! NO?! THEN WHY DID YOU [CENSORED] TRY TO [CENSORED] ME LIKE A BITCH, YOU [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED]! I OUGHTA [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [FUCKING CENSORED] [OH GOD MY EARS CENSORED] [CENSORED]!"
Angel: *beats Fluttershy up*
Angel: "YOU'RE FUCKING LUCKY I COULDN'T FIND THE [CENSORED][CENSORED] PROD, YOU [CENSORED]!"

Spike: "Oh man, what is it with the darkness today?! Do I need to invest in night-vision goggles?!"
Twilight: "Sigh... Owloysius, give us a wing here."

Fluttershy: "Look at me. I'm getting abused by a bunny. That's a record low."
Plot Device: "You are hereby invited to the seminar of Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru! Prepare to be turned from a doormat to a dazzling dynamo of domination!"
Fluttershy: "Well, in that case..."
Fluttershy: "As Celestia is my witness, I am never gonna be a pushover again!" [/actual dialog]


At the hedge maze ('cause, you know, minotaur. Get it? Get it?):
Fluttershy: "Crowds and goat minions and minotaurs oh my!"
Enters Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!

[To the tune of Hulk Hogan's "Real American":]
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "I am a real half-bull, half-man
Getting my way because I can
I am a real half-bull, half-man
Put up a fight, because you're right!

When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside
You gotta take a stand it don't help to hide
If you gimme crap, then you hurt my pride
I'll turn ya into scrap! I can't let it slide!

I am a real half-bull, half-man
Getting my way because I can
I am a real half-bull, half-man
Put up a fight, because you're right!

I didn't come here to get along
And I don't take trouble for very long
I got something deep inside of me
Courage is the thing that keeps us free!

I am a real half-bull, half-man
Getting my way because I can
I am a real half-bull, half-man
Put up a fight, because you're right!

If you gimme crap, then you hurt my pride
I'll turn ya into scrap! I can't let it slide!

I am a real half-bull, half-man
Getting my way because I can
I am a real half-bull, half-man
Put up a fight, because you're right!"

Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "Tired of getting pushed around? I HEAR YA! I'm getting tired of you getting pushed around too! Which is why I'm gonna teach you to stand up for yourselves, Iron Will-style! 100% satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back!"
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "You there! The one cowering in the back! Get your sorry flank over here!"
Fluttershy: "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of dozens of eyes on me, I will fear no attention-induced spontaneous combustion, for God-Queen Celestia is with me; her harmonious love and her Batman gambits, they comfort me."
Goat assistant: *gets in Fluttershy's way*
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "Some jerk is standing in your way. What do you do?"
Fluttershy: "Walk around them?"
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "NO!"
Fluttershy: "Fly above them?"
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "NO!"
Fluttershy: "Cry over universe's unfairness?"
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "Shy little pony, show some guts, or I will kick your sorry butt!"
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: *destabilizes Fluttershy*
Fluttershy: *knocks over goat*
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "Good! Step one! Here's step two!"
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: *screams at goat* "WHY DON'T YOU WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING?!"
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "OK, your turn."
Fluttershy: "..."
Fluttershy: "Don't... get... in my way... or else... I'll speak... like Shatner?"
Goat: "Alas, I am verbally slain."
Crowd: "Woooo! Three cheers for the kickass yellow pegasus!"
Fluttershy: "P-p-positive reinforcement? Over being assertive?"
Fluttershy: "MY LIFE HAS NEW MEANING!"


Fluttershy: "I can do this! I am a lean, mean, getting-her-way machine!"
Fluttershy: "And I have an incompetent gardener."
Fluttershy: "Excuse me, Mister Green Hooves? I hate to impose, but... These are petunias. Not water lilies."
Green Hooves: "Aw, don't worry your adorably empty head about it! Let the professional take care of everything!"
Fluttershy: "..."
Fluttershy: "Treat me like a clown? Prepare to drown!"
Aquatic Aggression!
Green Hooves: "...On second thought, the client is always right. G'bye."
Fluttershy: "..."
[To the tune of "So Many Wonders":]
Fluttershy: "What is this feeling that fills me with wonder?
Making me ache to go pillage and plunder?
Stand up to jerks, saying what I am thinking
So many perks, face the day without blinking!
Bliiinkiiing!
Ohhhh, what a wonderful thrill
And I owe it all to my friend Iron Will!
If I'd known standing up could kick all that much ass
Then that of all the jerks, would have been grass!
Yes Iiii've got guts of braaaass!"

Cart-Pulling Pony: "Ya ever noticed how comfortable narrow bridges are for stopping halfway through your trip?"
Bonbon: "Yeah, especially while pulling large, roadblocking carts of manure like we are right now."
Fluttershy: "That's nice and all. Except for the part where it's not. You're blocking the bridge, and I need you to not be doing that."
Cart-Pulling Pony: "Sure, sure, give us a minute."
Fluttershy: "Don't stand in my way. You wouldn't like me when you're standing in my way."
Cart-Pulling Pony: "You're a pegasus. If you're in such a hurry, just fly."
Fluttershy: "And concede defeat? When idiots give you crap, turn them into scrap!" *drowns roadblocks in their own manure*
Cart-Pulling Pony: "Celestia Christ how horrifying."
Bonbon: "Bath. Now."
Fluttershy: "That... That was easy."
Fluttershy: "Why did it always seem so hard? I always thought it'd be hard. But standing up to jerks is easy."

Pinkie Pie: "Thanks a bunch for helping me at the counter today, by the way!"
Rarity: "Think nothing of it. With this long a file of customers, I could understand needing a hoof... Hey, is that Fluttershy?"
Fluttershy: "Gee, that is a long file..."
Doomed Pony: "I cut in line, because I'm a stupid jerk! And there's nothing you can do about it! BWAHAHAHAHAH!"
Fluttershy: "Mess with the Shy? You're gonna die!"
Fluttershy: "GET BACK TO THE END OF THE LINE WHERE YOU BELONG, YOU PONY-SHAPED PIECE OF USELESS CRAP, OR I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A BEAR MASSAGE!"
The line: *gets considerably shorter!*
Rarity: "Whoa. Impressive. I guess that monster's advice really worked."
Fluttershy: "GASP! Rarity, that's so racist! Iron Will is a minotaur, not a monster!"
Rarity: "My apologies. No offense intended."
Rarity: "Still, the impressiveness of it all stands. It's like you're a whole new Fluttershy."
Fluttershy: "Oh yes! A whole new Fluttershy who knows no fear, takes crap from no one, and is damn proud of it! All those years, I thought standing up for myself was this impossible, difficult thing, and now it turns out, New Fluttershy can do it as easily as breathing!"
Pinkie Pie: "Well, Old Pinkie Pie is proud of New Fluttershy! Looks like you've become..."
Pinkie Pie: *puts on sunglasses*
Pinkie Pie: "...UTTER FLUTTER! lolololololroflcopter!"
Fluttershy: "You dare laugh at New Fluttershy's expense?! Tell a bad joke, I'm gonna choke!" *kicks Pinkie Pie's flank*
Rarity: "...I am flabbergasted at the sheer unnecessity of this."
Fluttershy: "Well, that was fun. See you around, girls!"
Fluttershy: "Oh, what a wonderful day! What a wonderful feeling! Adrenaline is in the air! Power is beating in my heart! Such freedom! Such..."
REALLY Doomed Pony: *takes the cab Fluttershy just hailed*
Fluttershy: "NEW FLUTTERSHY SMASH PUNY PONY!"
Fluttershy: *Back-Breaking Pegasus Kick!*
Fluttershy: *Flexibility-Straining Leg Pull Technique!*
Fluttershy: *Merciless Aerial Stomping Method!*
Fluttershy: *Neck-Snapping of Psychotic Violence Kata!*
Fluttershy: "NEW FLUTTERSHY WON'T BE PUSHED AROUND BY ANYPONY! NEW FLUTTERSHY CAN KICK YOUR FLANK!"
Pinkie Pie: "Old Pinkie Pie's not so sure new Fluttershy is such a good idea after all." [/actual dialog]
Rarity: "Old Rarity agrees." [/still actual dialog]


Fluttershy: "FEAR ME, PONYVILLE, FOR I! AM! FLUTTERBITCH!"
Flutterbitch: "'Cause I'm TNT! I'm Dynamite!
TNT! And I'll win the fight!
TNT! I'm a power-load!
TNT! Watch me exploooode!"
Flutterbitch: *realizes the postal service delivered her the wrong mail. Again.*
Flutterbitch: "POSTAL PONY! I am disgruntled with your manure! Get rid of those glasses already; you know you can't see with them!"
Postal Pony: "But, but, I can't go to work without my glasses! I look like a dork without them!"
Flutterbitch: "Mess with my mail? I'll make ya fail!" *mails Postal Pony to Timbucktu*
Tourist Pony: "Excuse me, ma'am, do you know where the Ponyville Tower is?"
Flutterbitch: "Sure, it's-"
Flutterbitch: *accidentally drops letter in puddle*
Flutterbitch: *blows a fuse*
Flutterbitch: "You make me crack, I'll break your back!"
Tourist Pony: "Looks like the tourism industry is blasting off agaaaaain!"
Rarity: "Fluttershy, forgive the question, but... What the bleep?! What the bleeping bleepity bleep?!"
Flutterbitch: "You saw what that evil bastard did! He tried to push around New Fluttershy! Well, New Fluttershy showed him! New Fluttershy is no doormat!"
Rarity: "That... is not what happened. In fact, it has about as much in common with what happened as Prince Blueblood has with God-Queen Celestia. (On an unrelated note, his blood isn't blue.)"
Rarity: "What we're trying to say, Fluttershy, is that you're taking this newfound assertiveness way, way too far. Standing up for fair treatment of oneself is commendable, but sacrificing one's kindness for it is not the way to go."
Flutterbitch: "WHAT?! You just want New Fluttershy to be a doormat like Old Fluttershy! But Old Fluttershy is GONE!" [/actual dialog]
Pinkie Pie: "New Fluttershy?! Old Fluttershy?!" *is getting a headache* [/still actual dialog]
Rarity: "What happened to Nice Fluttershy? We want that Fluttershy back!" [/yet more actual dialog]
Flutterbitch: "NO! You want wimp Fluttershy! You want pushover Fluttershy! You want do-anything-to-her-and-she-won't-complain Fluttershy!" [/yup, actual dialog]
Pinkie Pie: "Too many Fluttershies to keep track of! Make it stoooop!" [/actual dialog. Seriously, why am I even needed here?]
Flutterbitch: "What's the problem, Peabrain Pie? Things getting too complicated for your stunted mind?"
Pinkie Pie: "!"
Rarity: "Hey now! Stay classy, Fluttershy!"
Flutterbitch: "Classy, huh? Let's talk 'classy', Rarity. You think you're classy because you waste all your time and emotional strength on fashion? Bullshit! That just makes you a vain prima dona with shallow interests nopony shares!"
Rarity: "GASP! Fluttershy, how could you?! I thought you were the only pony who understood me in this town!" *sob*
Pinkie Pie: "Hey! Get off her case! She's an aaaar-teest. There's nothing wrong with her being passionate about it!"
Flutterbitch: "Well of course you'd say that. Look at what you're passionate about: Kiddy parties, kiddy songs, kiddy nonsense! You're a foal in a mare's body, trying to recover a missing foalhood! That's pathetic!"
Pinkie Pie: "!!!"
Flutterbitch: "I can't believe you two of all ponies are criticizing me, when you're the ones wasting their lives on pointless pursuits that nopony cares about!"
Pinkie Pie: "WAAAAAA! Fluttershy no baka!"
Rarity: "I can't believe what that monster has turned you into! WAAAAA!"
Flutterbitch: "IRON WILL IS NOT A MONSTER! HE'S A MINOTAUR!"
Flutterbitch: *realizes what she's doing*
Fluttershy: "...I'm the monster here."


Rarity: "Um...Fluttershy? Can we come in? After we remove the boards from your door, that is?"
Pinkie Pie: "Yeah! Locking yourself in for several days like this can't be good!"
Fluttershy: "GO AWAY! Don't make me hulk out on you! Save yourselves! Run far, far from here, before Flutterbitch comes back!"
Rarity: "Oh, Fluttershy. Don't be like that. We all said things we regret."
Pinkie Pie: "Huh? No we di-" *gets Rarity's hoof shoved in her mouth*
Fluttershy: "It's all my fault! I'm a brute! A cad! Leave Flutterbitch alone!"
Rarity: "For goodness's sake, Fluttershy... We don't blame you. You just got bad advice, is all."
Pinkie: "Yeah! It's Iron Will who made you act like one of the Ebon Dragon's brainwashed brutes! It's his fault you acted like an insane, deranged, psychotic, ultra-violent, mean-spirited, cruel, horrible bitch!"
Rarity: "I will kung-fu your face off if you keep this up, Pinkie."
Rarity: "The point is, Fluttershy, there are more ways to be assertive than traumatizing dragons/cockatrices/ponies. Usually, being assertive simply means stating what you want, and not backing down. No need for it to be unpleasant. That's what you want to do."
Fluttershy: "Even now, I can feel it. Buried somewhere deep inside. Watching me. Waiting. But you know what scares me the most? When I can't fight it anymore, when it takes over, when I totally lose control... I like it."
Rarity: "Enough with that stupid reference! You're not some green monster!"
Pinkie Pie: "Nope, but he is. Well, minus the green part.
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "Iron Will - is what ya call me! What I do - is train each pony! I heard Fluttershy's turned into the most assertive pony in the whole freaking town, so Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru! is here to collect payment!"
Rarity: "Um... Look, you monster..."
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "Racist. That's so racist."
Rarity: "Nonono, it's OK! I only meant it in the ethical sense of the word!"
Rarity: "What I mean, my dear minotaur, is... Would you terribly mind if I gave you a few random compliments, thus putting you in a good, receptive mood, at which point I could easily give you surgical compliments about your generosity, thus convincing you to act in a manner conforming to the positive self-image I have now given you?"
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "Yes, I would mind terribly. Mostly on account of it getting in the way of me getting paid for my work."
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "And I pity da fool who gets in the way of business." *throws Rarity away*
Pinkie Pie: "Waaaaait! We're not even sure Fluttershy's at home! How about, ah, we go look for her and tell her you need to talk?"
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "Well, I suppose I could get some groceries...Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru! will be back in half a day."
Pinkie Pie: "A full day!"
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "Half day!"
Pinkie Pie: "Duck season!"
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "Rabbit season!"
Pinkie Pie: "Half day!"
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "Full dayyyyyywait a minute."
Fluttershy: "A-friggin-choo."
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "Well, that settles it. Time to settle accounts, too!"
Pinkie Pie: "Waaaaait!"
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "No. If the clown won't quit, she'll take a hit!" *throws Pinkie Pie away*
Goat assistant: *munches on Pinkie's tail*
Pinkie Pie: "Could you please stop that?"
Goat assistant: "Fuck you."
Pinkie Pie: "Fair enough."
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: *brutally removes boards from door*
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "Fluttershy! Your payment is overdue! It's high-time the fist of Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru! met your door!"
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: *KNOCKS POLITELY!*
Fluttershy: *comes out*
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "You were nothing but a doormat, until I taught you to kick flank! Now pay Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru! what you owe Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!"
Fluttershy: "No."
Rarity: "Pony what."
Pinkie Pie: "My brain is slain."
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "Explain yourself."
Fluttershy: "I said no."
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "What is the meaning of this negative?"
Fluttershy: "It means no."
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "OK, you? You done fucked up. 'Cause Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru! is running a business here, and Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru! cannot run a business unless customers pay. And trying to rip off Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru! like that means Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru! will not only pity da fool, but also piledrive you so hard into the ground, even the crater you make will be destroyed."
Fluttershy: "No!"
Fluttershy: "This is what I'm gonna do: First, I'm going to stay calm. I'm going to remind you that you promised 100% satisfaction or my money back. Then I'm gonna point out that I'm not satisfied. And then, just to finish off, I'm going to conclude that I'm not going to pay you a single stinking bit."
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "But there has never been a pony who wasn't satisfied with Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru! and his lessons! You have no predecessor!"
Fluttershy: "Yeah. And doesn't that just scare you to death?"
Rarity: "Oh my Celestia. She's quoting Doctor Whooves at him."
Pinkie Pie: "This is crazy! You're crazy! You make no sense! You make my brain go boom! You're nuuuuuuts!"
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "Are... Are you sure you're not satisfied at all? I mean, surely we can discuss this? We're civilized creatures, right?"
Fluttershy: "I'm sorry, but no means no. I came to your workshop to learn how to resist attempts to push me around. Instead, by prioritizing aggression over self-control, your lessons gave my frustrations a brutal, socially-harmful outlet. Like I said, I am not satisfied."
Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!: "No means no, huh? I'll have to remember that one. Gonna use it for my next workshop."
Pinkie Pie: "Brain... rebooting. Ohmygoshthatwasawesome!"
Rarity: "Fluttershy! That was amazing! You managed to be assertive without being bitchy!"
Fluttershy: "Yyyyeah. Sorry about unleashing years of frustration all at once earlier. Friends?"
And many hugs were had!


"Dear God-Queen Celestia, today I have learned that being assertive simply means not surrendering your will to fear. To turn into a bully is just another way of giving in to it, and not a true form of courage.
Also, I've learned I need to take a firmer hoof with some of the animals under my care."
Angel: "WHAT'S WITH MY [CENSORED] FOOD, YOU W-"
Fluttershy: "Do not finish that sentence."
Fluttershy: "In fact, I think you've given me enough difficulties for now. PENANCE STARE!"
Fluttershy: *mindrapes Angel*
Fluttershy: "Look into my eyes! Your soul is stained with the rage of the bronies! FEEL THE PAIN!"
Angel: "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Flutershy: "Now stop being so difficult and eat your nom-noms, so that momma Fluttershy doesn't have to put you down permanently, right, hun?"
Angel: *sobs and eats*

 

[The Froggy Ninja]

At the hedge maze ('cause, you know, minotaur. Get it? Get it?):
Fluttershy: "Crowds and goat minions and minotaurs oh my!"
Enters Iron Will, Assertiveness Guru!
God-Queen Celestia: *sips tea*
God-Queen Celestia: "Hello there, narrator."

Click to shrink...

u wot m8?