Where I Watch: My Little Pony

[sun tzu]

Here's the thing. I didn't say anything about other people. I've had a not-small number of panic attacks, including one at my place of employment while operating powered equipment. Not my finest hour, there, admittedly. So I just cannot understand how it's fun to intentionally induce that sort of sensation and/or feelings.

Click to shrink...

Sure, sure, but you do know other people - apparently a majority of - do like it. So Pinkie's statement is true for most people.
Like... I absolutely hate fizzy drinks and can't for the life of me I understand why anyone wants their beverages to sting their tongue in fifty different places, but I can't deny that I'm the apparent exception to the rule. XD

 

[sun tzu]

Equestria, as we have seen, has some dangerous borders. Oh, it gets along reasonably well with its griphon neighbors, and the recent treaty with the buffaloes is holding up so far... but with wandering dragons and the Everfree Forest, peace is never guaranteed. Besides, what of more sinister forces? What of the Realm of Darkness, and its capital, dreaded Tambelon? What of the Elder Evils that haunt the oceans' depths?
In the interest of studying such menaces, Twilight Sparkle here will give us an expose on the subject! Go ahead, Miss Sparkle.
Twilight Sparkle: "No."
...Beg your pardon?
Twilight Sparkle: "Between the Ebon Dragon, the recent mind-control case, and Nightmare Night, I've gotten to the point where I need a break. So, no. I'm just going to spend this week taking care of the library, catching up on my reading, maybe hanging out a bit."
But geopolitics...
Twilight Sparkle: "...will have to wait for another time. Why don't you go bug some of my friends in the meanwhile? Knowing them, you're practically guaranteed some drama."
Fine, fine. Sheesh.
And so, um...Let's see...



Sisterhooves Social



Rarity, in her sleep: "Jewel neckline... Don't you know a stitch in time saves nine...?"
Rarity, in her sleep: "And where there's smoke there's..."
Rarity, in her sleep: "..."
Rarity, no longer asleep: "WHY IS THERE SMOKE?!"
Rarity: *rushes to the kitchen*
Sweetie Belle: "Rarity! The breakfast in bed was supposed to be a surprise! Now you've gone and ruined it!"
Rarity: "Oh, something's about to get ruined around here! What do-"
Rarity's father, Death (of Dignity) Belle: "Hey there, classier daughter of mine!"
Rarity: "Augh!"
Rarity's mother, Daisy Belle: "Hi, I'm Daisy!"
Rarity: "Augh!"
Death (of Dignity) Belle: "Ain'tcha glad your li'll sister was able to cook this here yummy breakfast all on her own?"
Rarity: "Augh!"
Rarity: "...I didn't know you could burn juice." [/actual dialogue.]
Daisy Belle: "Hi, I'm Daisy!"
Daisy Belle: "And I've been giving cooking lessons to Sweetie Belle! She's practically as good as me now!"
Rarity: "Augh!"
Rarity: "...That the two of you have survived long enough to have children suggests we have some dragons up the family tree. Which might explain Spike."
Daisy Belle: "Hi, I'm Daisy!"
Daisy Belle: "And I hope that you two have a lot of fun together while the two of us go on vacation!"
Rarity: "Augh!"
Sweetie Belle: "Here, help yourself!" *pushes bowl of black smoking liquid of death*
Rarity: "...Let me guess: Applesauce?"
Sweetie Belle: "Nope! Toast!"
Rarity: "Augh!"
Rarity's brain: "Augh!" *attempts to escape through the ears*
Rarity: "But I have so much work lined up... Such a long to do list... Sigh. I suppose I'll just be adding taking care of my little sister to it. You'll be back by the end of the week, right?"
Daisy Belle: "Hi, I'm Daisy!"
Rarity: "Augh!"
Death (of Dignity) Belle: "Who's on first!"


And so, as The Amazingly Embarrassing Parents drive away...
Rarity: "All right. Step one: Clean up the kitchen!"
Sweetie Belle: "Shouldn't we eat the breakfast first?"
Rarity: "Look, I appreciate the gesture, but we can't eat food that's been burned to ashes."
Sweetie Belle: "It's not that burned. All the atomic numbers have remained the same!"
Rarity: "Regardless, I'll be making proper breakfast now."
Sweetie Belle: "Ooh! Ooh! I wanna help! Pick me! Pick me!"
Rarity: "Ah... I'll, uh, get started on it."
Sweetie Belle: "Can I help yet?"
Rarity: "Soon."
Sweetie Belle: "Can I help yet?"
Rarity: "Soon."
Sweetie Belle: "Can I help yet?"
Rarity: "NEVER! I mean, um, you can put on the parsley."
Sweetie Belle: "That's all?"
Rarity: "WITH PERFECT PRECISION."
Sweetie Belle: "...And perfectionism makes things challenging again."
Sweetie Belle: *fails at life. And at placing parsley.*
A big mess: *ensues*
Plate: *lands on the ground*
Breakfast: *lands on plate*
Parsley: *lands on breakfast*
Rarity: "And that's what we call beginner's irony."

Rarity: *finishes cleaning up after her sister's mess*
Rarity: "Oh my alicorn, look at the time! Back to work!"
Sweetie Belle: "Can I-"
Rarity: "Take the dirty towels and put them in the laundry!"
Sweetie Belle: "Yay! I'm helping!"
Sweetie Belle: *notices beautiful sweater*
Sweetie Belle: "Yay! I'm extra helping!"
Rarity: "SWEETIE BELLE! NO! MY SUPER-EXPENSIVE DESIGNER WOOL SWEATER!"
Sweetie Belle: "What's the problem?"
Wool sweater: *shrinks in the sun*
Rarity: *sobs* "This would be the problem."
Rarity: "Must... not... gore... sister... with horn."
Rarity: "I, I must go forth and create (rather than destroy). Stay out of trouble. Please."

Sweetie Belle: "Well, I've never gotten into trouble for drawing!"
Sweetie Belle: *draws*
Sweetie Belle: "Well, I've never gotten into trouble for using Rarity's gem reserve for my art projects!"
Sweetie Belle: *uses*
Sweetie Belle: "Not that I've ever not gotten into trouble for it, either, but I'm sure it'll be fine."
Rarity: "AUGHHHH!"
Sweetie Belle: "That's... not the sound of being fine."
Rarity: "MY GEMS! NOOO!"
Sweetie Belle: "But, you have tons of gems..."
Rarity: "Sweetie Belle, there's a difference between quartz and super-rare, hard-to-find, needed-for-urgent-commission baby-blue sapphires!"
Rarity: "Sigh... All right, no escaping it: I need to go run and find some new ones, since the possibility of prying them from my sister's art project does not so much as cross my mind for now."
Sweetie Belle: "Ooh, can I come?"
Rarity: "NOOOOO!"
Sweetie Belle:
Rarity: "...I mean, no thanks. Just, try to put the materials you used back in place, and not make another mess I'll have to clean."

Sweetie Belle: "This sucks. How do I make my national hero big sister not mad at me?"
Sweetie Belle: *comes across Rarity's workroom*
Sweetie Belle: "Wow, what a mess! And Rarity hates messes! Jackpot!"

Rarity: "Behold, for I have returned with-"
Rarity: "My... my inspiration room..."
Sweetie Belle: "SURPRISE! I cleaned it up!"
Rarity: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Sweetie Belle: "Momma says that if you keep making that sound, your throat will freeze that way."
Rarity: "Gone! Erased! Reformatted! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, SWEETIE BELL?! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"
Sweetie Belle: "I, I just saw how big a mess it was in here, and-"
Rarity: "It WASN'T a mess! It was organized chaos! This room is my artistic side's RAM, and now you've gone and waved a metaphorical magnet all over it!"
Sweetie Belle: "I, I was just trying to make you happy..."
Rarity: "Happy? HAPPY?! HAPPY?!"
Rarity: *grinds teeth hard enough to cause nuclear fusion in her saliva*
Rarity: "Stay calm. Don't do anything rash. You're the adult here."
Sweetie Belle: "Um, I'm pretty sure you're the adult one."
Rarity: "Ignore that interruption. Keep talking to yourself. Deal with it like an adult."
Sweetie Belle: "Um, what..."
Rarity: "I, I need some time alone. In the meanwhile, Agent Belle, you are forbidden from any personal initiatives."


Applebloom: "Hey there, fellow crusader! How are things going with your sleepover at Rarity's?"
Sweetie Belle: "Nobody's died yet."
Applebloom: "Ringing endorsement if I ever heard one!"
Sweetie Belle: *sighs* "I just wish there was something special we could do together. Without me ruining everything."
Applebloom: "Wish granted! The yearly Title Drop is bein' organized at the Sweet Apple Acres - sisterly couples compete together!"
Sweetie Belle: "That's perfect!"

Rarity: "That is perfectly out of the question!"
Sweetie Belle: "But..."
Rarity: "Can you imagine? Running across the Sweet Apple Acres like that, getting..." *shudders* "...so dirty!"
Sweetie Belle: "Oh, so now you're back to hating messes?"
Rarity: "Don't you give me lip, young lady! I'm still your older sister, if you needed your memory refreshed (as opposed to formatted with a big metaphorical magnet)."
Sweetie Belle: "Hmph. A real big sister would compete with me at the Sisterhooves Social!"
Rarity: "Yeah, well, your real big sister considers such activities horrendously uncouth!"
Sweetie Belle: "Oh yeah?! Well, maybe I'll try the Sisterhooves Social without a sister! In fact, I think I'll try the rest of my life without a sister!"
Rarity: *stress overload*
Rarity: *anger control at 101% capacity*
Rarity: *SNAP*
Rarity: *ADAMANTIUM RAGE!*
Rarity: "YOU ARE THE MOST UNCHARMING SISTER IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING! I HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED AND ENSLAVED BY GOLLUMS MORE PLEASANT THAN YOU!"
Rarity: "I'm the one ruining your life?! You're the one who's obliterating my work, my possessions, and sanity all day!"
Sweetie Belle: "I was just trying to help, you big mean jerk who's not related to me! It's not my fault you care about negative consequences more than about good intentions!"
Rarity: "You spoiled, only-child BRAT!"
Sweetie Belle: "Prissy, obsessive-compulsive, sisterless ALPHA BITCH!" *leaves*
Rarity: "I, I wonder, did I just let anger get the best of..." *ANGRY TWITCH* "...Hmph!"


Applejack: "Uncouth? That's Rarity's opinion of the Sisterhooves Social?"
Sweetie Belle: "Well, that too. Mostly, she seems to think I'm uncouth."
Applejack: "Don't take it personally. Compared to Rarity, anything short of God-Queen Celestia is uncouth."
Applejack: "Don't be makin' a mountain outta a molehill here. Rarity'll come around. Sisters always do."
Sweetie Belle: "Not Rarity."
Applejack: "Look, how 'bout, instead of moping, you try doin' something productive with yer time? Applebloom and I still have chores to do, and..."
Sweetie Belle: "...I'm not sure you want my help. I've been a walking, talking disaster since this morning."
Applejack: "That here be loser talk, sweetie. C'mon!"
Apple Sisters: *pick up apples*
Apple Sisters: *It's super-effective!*
Apple Sisters: *New High Score!*
Applejack: "This mini-game to be included in the inevitable My Little Pony game on console and PC! Pre-purchase today!"
Sweetie Belle: "That's chores?"
Applebloom: "Well, it's lots of work, so we turn it into a game!"
Applejack: "Here, catch!"
Sweetie Belle: *catches it. Painfully.*
Sweetie Belle: "Owie."
Apple Sisters: "And that's why do it together!"
Sweetie Belle: "Hmph. Rarity never wants me to help with her chores. I swear, your dust bunnies collapse into a space-time singularity once, and she never lets you forget it."


Rarity: "Oh, woe is me! How am I supposed to get anything done now? Damn Sweetie Belle's devastation!"
Rarity: "How can I get any inspiration from this room now that-"
Rarity: "Wait. These fabrics, placed in order of colors..."
Rarity: "IDEA!"
Rarity: *creates ART*
Rarity: "I'm a GENIUS! And who'd have thought, Sweetie Belle's stupidity actually acted as a reboot, allowing me to..."
Rarity: "..."
Rarity: "Hmph. One stroke of luck doesn't change the fact that she shouldn't have gone into my room."


Sweetie Belle: "Let me get this straight: Not only do you make grape juice with your bare hooves, getting so dirty Rarity would have a nervous breakdown..."
Sweetie Belle: "...but when Applebloom accidentally gets Applejack dirty, instead of repressing anger she jumps in and wrestles her little sister?"
Sweetie Belle: "WANT!"


Rarity: "Oh, woe is me! How shall I live without my favorite sweater? Damn Sweetie Belle's desolation!"
Rarity: "How can this poor mangled thing be of any use now that-"
Rarity: "Wait. Speaking of poor, mangled, things..."
Rarity: "IDEA!"
Rarity: *puts the sweater on her CAT*
Rarity: I'm a GENIUS! And who'd have thought, Sweetie Belle's foolishness generated the cutest thing in the world, allowing me to..."
Rarity: "..."
Rarity: "Hmph. Multiple strokes of luck don't change anything as far as this matter is concerned."
Opal the cat: *plots the end of such clothing endeavors*
Opal the cat: *by putting a horse's head in her bed*
Opal the cat: *preferably Sweetie Belle's head*


Apple Sisters: "...And that's how you corral sheep!"
Sheep: "You could have just asked."
Applejack: "Shut up, sub-equines."
Sweetie Belle: "SUCH SYNERGY! It's like they're one pony with two bodies!"
Sweetie Belle: "OH SWEET CELESTIA THEY HIGH-FIVED! Rarity never high-fives me!"


Rarity: "Oh, woe is me! How may I complete this piece with a missing gemstone? Damn Sweetie Belle's destruction!"
Rarity: "How can another stroke of luck accidentally lead her actions to fix their own damage this-"
Rarity: "Wait. Her arts&craft project..."
Sweetie Belle's artwork: *is a drawing of her and Rarity, surrounded by a heart made of sapphires*
Rarity: *SHOCK!*
Sweetie Belle's artwork: *is a drawing of her and Rarity, surrounded by a heart made of sapphires*
Rarity: *TEARS!*
Sweetie Belle's artwork: *is a drawing of her and Rarity, surrounded by a heart made of sapphires*
Rarity: *HEARTBREAK!*
Rarity: "I'm a MONSTER! And who'd have thought, I should have been spending quality time with my sister, instead of wasting it complaining and wishing she was gone!"
Rarity: "..."
Rarity: "Well, no more hmphing! Damage control time!"
Rarity: "As Celestia is my witness, I shall never be sisterless again!" [/actual dialogue. Yes, that was totally a Gone With the Wind homage.]


And that evening, as the Apple Sisters and Sweetie Belle roast marshmallows around a campfire...
Rarity: "Sweetie Belle! Thank goodness! I've been looking all over Ponyville for you! (And some parts of the Everfree Forest. If you see a dead manticore, stay away, it's unhygienic.)"
Sweetie Belle: "Hmph. Careful not to get your hooves dirty, unsister." *Bitch Level: Petty*
Rarity: "Sweetie Belle... I wanted to apologize. I got so upset at you ruining everything you touched and destroying my work, I stopped thinking clearly. I am not better off without a sister."
Sweetie Belle: "...You're right. I'm not better off without a sister either. Spending the day with these two helped me realize that."
Rarity: *extends hoof* "Oh, I'm so glad you-"
Sweetie Belle *bats hoof away* "Which is why I'm adopting Applejack!" *Bitch Level: Lean, Mean Bitchy Machine*
Rarity: "WHAT?!"
Applejack: "WHAT?!"
Applebloom: "WHAT?!"
Sweetie Belle: "Wyatt's on first!"
Sweetie Belle: "A big sister is someone who loves and takes care of her little sister! But hey, maybe the best solution would be for Applejack to adopt you, so she can show you how a big sister is supposed to be!" *Bitch Level: Stop, Just, Stop*
Rarity: "I don't need lessons, I swear! Come on, just, come home; I could, I could teach you all my best recipes, or show you how to style your mane!"
Sweetie Belle: "You want US to go home so we can do what YOU want to do?"
Rarity: "...Yes?"
Sweetie Belle: "You don't understand meeeeeeeee!" *runs off*
Applejack: *was killed by sheer awkwardness*

Rarity: "Well, that went well. Confound it, Applejack, must you make the rest of us look bad in comparison?" *hands her a Phoenix Dawn*
Applejack: "OK, Rarity, speaking as yer friend... It ain't all about you."
Rarity: "Beg your pardon?"
Applejack: "Look, you've got a strong personality, and ah respect that. Yer also the Exalt of Generosity, and ah respect that too."
Applejack: "But ah think you got a blind spot where family is concerned. Also, ye never compromise who ye are - but being a sister is all about compromising! Ya need to be part of a whole!"
Rarity: "Then the path before me is clear."
Rarity: "...And goodness is it gonna suck."


The next day, at the fair:
Sweetie Belle: "Pie-eating contests, muddy pigs... Yeah. Good thing Rarity isn't here. She'd probably explode twice."
Sweetie Belle: "Sigh... Well, good luck with the Sisterhooves Social race. Wish I had a sister."
Applejack: "Ye do now!"
Sweetie Belle: "Pardon?"
Applebloom: "Since AJ and I do this every year, we're letting you borrow her for this, just this once!"
Sweetie Belle: "YOU ARE BOTH BEST PONY!"
Applejack: "So, ready to race?"
Sweetie Belle: "You bet I-"
Applebloom: "ONE. DAY. OR YOU DIE."

Sweetie Belle: *gets ready with her sister-for-a-day*
Sweetie Belle: *gets threatened by Applebloom*
Applebloom: "ONE. DAY."
Granny Smith: *struggles to launch the race*
Sweetie Belle: *launches across mud hole*
Sweetie Belle: *turns around to see that her racing partner fell straight in the mud hole*
Sweetie Belle: "...And I shall dub you Applemud."
Sweetie Belle and Applemud: *SUPERB TEAMWORK!*
Sweetie Belle and Applemud: *ATHLETIC BADASSNES!*
Sweetie Belle and Applemud: *PERFECT SYNERGY!*
Sweetie Belle and Applemud: *FLAWLESS NEAR-VICTORY!*

Applebloom: "Second place! That was awesome!"
Sweetie Belle: "It really was! I haven't had this much fun in ages! Thank you so much, Applemud!"
Sweetie Belle: *hugs Applemud*
Sweetie Belle: *thus knocking off her hat*
Sweetie Belle: *and revealing her horn.*
Sweetie Belle: "Wait, what?"
Sweetie Belle: *wipes mud off Applemud's flank, revealing the white coat and diamond Cutie Mark underneath*
Applemud: *TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE INTO... EMPRESS RARITY, TYRANT OF THE UNDERDARK!*
Sweetie Belle: "What the buck?!"
Applejack: *emerges from the mud hole where she's been hiding*
Sweetie Belle: "What the hay?!"
Applejack: "We switched places at the fist mud hole!"
Sweetie Belle: "You mean..." *stares at Rarity* "...we ran this entire race together?"
Rarity: "All but the start line, little sister!"
Applebloom: "And you finished it - TOGETHER! (So stay away from MY big sister. Or you die.)"
Sweetie Belle: "You... You were all in on it?"
Sweetie Belle: "But... Those were crazy athletic feats back there! How could you do that without being Applejack?"
Rarity: "Ah, hello? I face-kick manticores, carry boulders larger than me, and know kung-fu. I'm kinda one of the toughest ponies around; I just don't show it often."
Sweetie Belle: "But, but, but... All those uncouth racing obstacles and challenges! You plunged into a mud hole! You ran around in the dirt! You propelled me into a vat of grapes! You speed-ate a pie! What about your OCD?!"
Rarity: "Bah! Mark Summers had OCD too! If he could host Double-Dare, I can race with my little sister!"
Sweetie Belle: *tears up*
Sweetie Belle: "You did all this for me?"
Rarity: "Not quite. I did it for us."
Sweetie Belle: "HUGS!"
Rarity: "And now, I believe we deserve a little celebration!"
Everypony: "Yeah!"
Rarity: "At the SPA!"
Everypony: *laugh*
Rarity: "No, seriously. I'm about to have a mental breakdown from all the dirt."


Sweetie Belle: "Dear God-Queen Celestia, being sisters is the bestest thing in the world, but it's also hard work!"
Rarity: "Being family means that you need to learn to live with each other, stand each other, and adapt to each other. But above all else, you need to have fun with each other - even if that occasionally means getting your hooves a little bit dirty!"
Sweetie Belle: "More like a lot dirty!"
Rarity: "A little dirty!"
Sweetie Belle: "A lot dirty!"
Rarity: "A little dirty!"
Sweetie Belle: "A lot dirty!"
Spike: "Who's on dirt!"
Spike: "Hmph. Nobody appreciates my Abbot&Costello riffs."
Spike: "So, reasonably dirty?"
Rarity: "But of course."
Sweetie Belle: "Sure!"
Spike: "I swear, what would ponykind do without me?"



Well, that was that.
Twilight Sparkle: "That it was."
But, I dunno. Rarity's clearly learned her lesson, but I'm uncertain if Sweetie Belle really got the point to the same extent...
Twilight Sparkle: "She's a Cutie Mark Crusader, and you want her to learn something?"
...Point conceded.

 

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

I really like this episode. Rarity and Sweetie Belle's interactions made me laugh my ass off.

 

[sun tzu]

"Ready?"
"Ready."
"Ready!"
"Cutie Mark Crusaders episode introducers are go!"
Applebloom: "We're mental cripples!"
Sweetie Bloom: "And make it triple!"
Scootaloo: "To assault the world with devastation!"
Applebloom: "To become the scrappies of our nation!"
Sweetie Belle: "To denounce the evils of common sense!"
Scootaloo: "To derp so hard at every chance!"
Applebloom: "Cutie!"
Sweetie Belle: "Mark!"
Scootaloo: "Crusaders!"
Applebloom: "The CMC run the show tonight!"
Sweetie Belle: "'Cause attempt #zillion must succeed...right?"
Scootaloo: "And if you call me chicken, prepare to fight!"


The Cutie Pox


Applebloom: "My fellow CMC! While I'm sure that we're all somewhat disappointed by our failures at scuba-diving, chicken-hunting, union-busting, glue-making, time-travelling, body-reanimating, paint-drying, and nose-massaging, today is a day that we shall face with the certainty of success! Today, we earn our cutie marks... And we shall earn them by bowling for Coltumbine!"
Scootaloo: "Sounds like a foolproof plan to me!"
Sweetie Belle: "Just like all the other ones! Yay!"

And so...
[To the tune of "Meet the Flintstones":]
Fillies! Meet the fillies!
They are failing at life yet again!
At the - bowling alley
Though there is no gain there is much pain!

Let's watch - watch with dread and first aid kits!
As they - fail to score a single hit!

When you're - with the fillies!
Remember not buck with the
Do not buck with the
Don't buck with Celestia!

Applebloom: "I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm sick of being stuck in this sucktastick status quo!"
Scootaloo: "Forgive my heresy, but c'mon. It's just a cutie mark!"
Sweetie Belle: "Heck, it's not even that! It's a lack of a cutie mark!"
Scootaloo: "...And that's why you're not the brains of this outfit."
Sweetie Belle: "Wait, does that mean Applebloom is the brains of this outfit?"
Scootaloo: "..."
Scootaloo: "Celestia help us all."

Applebloom: "The power of friendship didn't work. The power of persistence didn't work. At this point, I can think of only one thing left to try:"
Applebloom: "POWER OF PLOT: I SUMMON THEE!" *walks into the Everfree Forest*
Plot: *PUNCHES APPLEBLOOM IN THE FACE!*
Applebloom: "Ow."
Zecora: "Applebloom, is that you? I thought I heard the sound of someone foolishly summoning the plot."
Applebloom: "Ow. Hey Zecora. I think the plot broke my tooth."
Zecora: "Well then, we'll just have to fix that!"
Applebloom: "...You're never gonna rhyme in these reviews, are you?"
Zecora: "Heck no. These reviews are where I come to take a break from rhyming."

At Zecora's hut:
Applebloom: "You know, I've always wondered... Everything In The Everfree Forest Can Kill You. So how do you keep safe here?"
Zecora: "Part of it was picking an area the big predators don't hunt in. Part of it is knowing which types of toxic plants keep pests at bay. And part of it is the monsters knowing better than to buck with a Full Zebra Alchemist."
Zecora: *uses magic potion to fix Applebloom's tooth*
Applebloom: "Wow! This exotic magic of yours is really awesome, Zecora!"
Zecora: "Indeedly-do. Yet another benefit of cultural exchanges."
Applebloom: "And you've got so many potions! Squirk-be-gone potion, buffalo hypoglycemia potion, griffon meat substitute potion..."
Applebloom: "..."
Applebloom: "Whyyyyy... I'll bet you have a potion for just about anything, now dooon't youuuu..."
Zecora: "No, Obelix, I will not give you a magic potion for your cutie mark!"
Applebloom: "...How didja know I was gonna..."
Zecora: "You have all the subtlety of a rabid Ursa Major."
Zecora: "Now if you'll excuse me, I do have work to do."
Applebloom: "Oh? Whatchou doing?"
Zecora: "It's a Heart's Desire potion. Wait here while I go look for some extra stuff..."
Applebloom: "..."
Applebloom: "Yay plot!"


Sweetie Belle: "Scootaloo, do you think we're bad friends for letting Applebloom wander into the Everfree Forest all on her own?"
Scootaloo: "Nah. What's the worst that could happen?"
Scootaloo: "..."
Scootaloo: "I SAID, what's the worst that could - "
Applebloom: "Oh joy! Oh rapture! Frabjous Day! Behold, Ponyville - for I am a blank-flank, NO MORE!"
Scootaloo: "Wow. Way to kick Murphy in the balls."
Twist: "Does that mean we can hang out agai-"
Sweetie Belle: "Awesome! What kinda cutie mark is it, though?"
Applebloom: "It's a hula hoop! You know, for kids!"
Diamond Tiara: "ALL that buildup, all those incidents, all those messes, for THIS?!"
Silver Spoon: "Anticlimax! Boo!"
Applebloom: "Oh, don't be so certain..."
Applebloom: *SMOOTH HULA HOOP MOVES!*
Classmates: "Whoa."
Cheerilee: "Class, I..."
Cheerilee: *notices students in thrall of Applebloom's cutie-mark-boosted talent*
Cheerilee: "...am hereby declaring today's lesson to be a PE class. Congrats, Applebloom, you're now teacher's assistant."
Cheerilee: "The secret of success: Delegate like a boss!"

Class: *practices hula hoops under Applebloom's watchful gaze*
Applebloom: *catches hoop* "There you go, Snips."
Snips: *swoons* "Oh, Miss Applebloom!"
Applebloom: "I will leave my hula hoop on."
Meanwhile, in a 2O-yard radius:
Hula hoops swinging.
Fillies turning gay.
It was amazing.
Diamond Tiara & Silver Spoon: *fail at hula hoops*
Applebloom: "Well that looked painful. Don't worry; with enough practice, you'll eventually be half as good as me!"
Diamond Tiara: "Ponycidal urges..."
Silver Spoon: "...rising!"
Scootaloo & Sweetie Belle: *fail at hula hoops*
Applebloom: "Um... Good job?"
Scootaloo: "I think I'll stick to scooter stunts."
Applebloom: "Fair enough."
Applebloom: "And now, colts and fillies, lemme demonstrate some advanced moves! Meaning, don't try this in your big fancy home, Diamond Tiara."
Diamond Tiara: "I will hire hitponies to deal with you."
Applebloom: *uses hula hoop to turn into a freaking helicopter!
Applebloom: *gets a second cutie mark. Of spinning plates.*
Scootaloo: "What the buck?!"
Sweetie Belle: "What the hay?!"
Diamond Tiara: "HAX! I CALL HAX! Miss Cheerilee, there's no such thing as a pony with two cutie marks!"
Cheerilee: "Not that I'm aware of..."
Cheerilee: "...But then again, there are more things in Heaven and Equestria, Diamond Tiara, than are dreamed in your philosophy. Perhaps Applebloom has two special talents?"
Silver Spoon: "Two talents? Her? She's one of the Fail-at-Life Crusaders! I DEMAND A TEST!"
Cheerilee: "...The four words any teacher fantasizes about hearing kids say. My life is complete."
Snips & Snails: "Here you go, oh Great And Powerful Applebloom!"
Applebloom: *expertly handles hula hoop and spinning plates simultaneously!*
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo: "YAY! OUR FRIEND IS THE THIRD MOST SPECIAL PONY EVER!"

TOUR ON THE TOWN!
SHOWING OFF CUTIE MARKS!
DEMONSTRATING SUPER-SKILLS!
Applebloom: "BEST. DAY. EVER!"

Evening at the farm:
Applejack: "We're all so happy for ya, Applebloom!"
Big Mac: "Eyup!"
Applejack: "And two Cutie Marks! How're irony for ya? Never even heard o'those before!"
Big Mac: "Nnope!"
Granny Smith: "Did mah heart good, seeing ya as spry as ah was at yer age!"
Granny Smith: *gets paralyzing pain in her hips*
Granny Smith: "WHY MUST IT HURT SO MUCH?!"
Big Mac: "Osteoporosis occurs when the body fails to form enough new bone, when too much old bone is reabsorbed by the body, or both.Calcium and phosphate are two minerals that are essential for normal bone formation. Throughout youth, your body uses these minerals to produce bones. If you do not get enough calcium, or if your body does not absorb enough calcium from the diet, bone production and bone tissues may suffer."
Granny Smith: "Oh."


BUT! Later that night...
Applejack: "Applebloom, what's with all that racket keepin' me from sleepin'? This here ungodly hour ain't no time for clo-"
Applebloom: *is helplessly dancing while swinging a hula hoop and spinning plates*
Applebloom: *has a third cutie mark of red shoes*
Applebloom: "BIG SIS! HELP! HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN IS TRYING TO MAKE AN EXAMPLE OUT OF ME! MAKE HIM STOP! GET DISNEY TO RE-WRITE THE STORY!"
Applejack: "I'm coming sis!" *lunges at Applebloom*
Hans Christian Andersen: "THE POWER OF PLOT COMPELS YOU!"
Applejack: "Like Dream Valley it does!"
Hans Christian Andersen: "...THE POWER OF PLOT PUNCHES YOU! IN THE FACE!"
Applejack: "Ow. I hope I didn't break a tooth back there."
Applejack: "Well, this looks like a job foooor..."

Twilight Sparkle: "OK, this is bad. Let's see...I've been doing readings on unusual cutie marks since yesterday, but this might be found under pathology instead."
Spike: "There you go! The right book, in less than ten seconds flat! What can I say? I, too, possess many talents!"
Twilight Sparkle: "That you do, but... Oh. Oh dear. It looks like Applebloom has the dreaded cutie pox!"
Twilight Sparkle: "This unique disease feeds on the inherent pony magic channeled through cutie marks. The pathogens invade the body, hijack the cutie mark process, cause more and more of them to appear all over the body, and force the afflicted ponies to exert all their energy through the corresponding activities, until they are left drained of all power!"
Applejack: "OK, fine, but..."
Applebloom: *gets Fleur-De-Lys cutie mark*
Applebloom: "Malédiction! Crépuscule est entourée d'idiots comme moi! Ils sont fous les poneys de cette ville!"
Applejack: "Egads! Now she's speaking in fancy! Twilight, what's the cure?"
Twilight Sparkle: "To cure the cutie pox, you must cross the Orkrift Mountains into the Swamp of Terror and go to the Golden Citadel to inquire of the Great Dragon Sage Ardaxar the possible location of the missing Ruby of Dwarven Might from the Arcane Crown of Power."
Applebloom: "...Vraiment?"
Twilight: "No. Actually, you must follow me to Zecora's hut in the Everfree Forest to ask if she has any idea how to cure this crap."

Twilight: "To Zecora! Warp speed!"
Applejack: "Ah, Twilight? Ah think mah sister's havin' trouble keepin' up."
Applebloom: "Au secours! Je suis piégée dans un où-je-regarde avec un auteur francophone qui s'amuse BEAUCOUP TROP à mes dépends!"
Applebloom: *sculptor!*
Applebloom: *chimney-sweeper!*
Applebloom: *lion-tamer!*
Applebloom: *nose-massager!*
Pony one: "The horror! The horror!"
Pony two: "She's enchanted!"
Pony three: "She's cursed!"
Spike: "Nah. She just has a magical virus that is feeding on her physical and mystical energies."
Ponies: "EVACUATE THE TOOOOOWN!"
Spike: "Note to self: If I ever need some territory to store my future hoard, obtaining land concessions from the ponies will prove surprisingly easy. Spikely Whiplash lives!"
Zecora: "Huh. You know, I honestly thought we were past the part where they fled at the sight of me."
Twilight: "Zecora! Applebloom. Cutie Pox. Crisis. HELP!"
Zecora: "Ah, right. Which brings me to the reason of my visit."
Zecora: "See, I was working on this 'heart's desire' potion, when some of the reagents went missing."
Zecora: "Applebloom, you got some 'splaining to do."
Applebloom: "Oh non! Je suis en train de devenir un diable de Tasmaniiiiiiiie!"
Applejack: "Please, please, please tell me you know how to cure this!"
Zecora: "Ta-freaking-da. The seeds of truth. There's your solution."
Applejack: "Great! Now feed them to - "
Zecora: "The cure isn't in the seeds, it's in the flower that blooms from them."
Applejack: "...We can't just wait for this thing to grow!"
Zecora: "The process can be accelerated. The truth must be spoken, thus serving as magical fertilizer."
Applejack: "Well OK then!" *plants seeds* "TWO AND TWO IS... Darnit, how much again? This would be Big Mac's thing. ONE AND ONE IS TWO! ONE AND ONE IS TWO!"
Zecora: "Alas, Applejack, while your words are true, they do not carry the power of plot within them."
Twilight: "Fine, then! SOMEPONY SPEAK THE TRUTH!"
Rainbow Dash: "I'm not a lesbian who does anything female that moves!"
Derpy Hooves: "No-one's even seen me and Dinky together!"
Pinkie Pie: "I can't actually break through the fourth wall!"
Doctor Whooves: "I am not a time lord!"
Derpy Hooves: "My mismatched eyes are no indication of mental disability!"
Rarity: "I am not addicted to cheap romance novels!"
Lyra: "I'm not married to Bonbon!"
Random pegasus: "Our wings do not rise when we're sexually excited!"
God-Queen Luna: "I'm not a blue Fluttershy!"
Derpy Hooves: "For crying out loud, you don't even know my name!"
Trixie: "I am not in love with Twilight!"
God-Queen Celestia: "There is no proof that I am secretly Megan!"
Twilight: "GUYS! I said THE TRUTH!"
Applebloom: "..."
Applebloom: "This is all ma faute! I stole Zecora's désir du coeur, because I thought it could m'aider à obtenir my cutie mark! I didn't actually earn them, j'ai triché!"
Seeds of truth: *bloom!*
Applebloom: *eats!*
Pathogens: "Curse you meddling cuuuuuures!"

Applebloom: "Holy manure, ah can't believe ah'm actually happy to be a blank flank now."
Scootaloo: "Wow. You might to check if any pigs on your farm are racing Rainbow Dash."
Applebloom: "Ain't that the truth!"
Applebloom: "Um, Zecora? I'm really sorry I stole the precious reagents you'd been been collecting in the most dangerous place in the world, and then started a supposedly-extinct magical disease."
Zecora: "Apology accepted. Just try not to get killed by your mistakes before you learn from them."
Twilight: "Indeed! And Zecora, we..."
Zecora: *has disappeared*
Twilight: "...Huh. Has she been taking lessons from God-Queen Celestia?"
Twilight: "And speaking of her Momjesty... Applebloom, I believe it might be for the best if you send her a dracofax."
Applebloom: "Right! Dear God-Queen Celestia, today ah have learned that you can't take shortcuts to the real important things in life. All good things come to those who wait."
Twilight: "Precisely! I'm so-"
Applebloom: "Ah have also learned that ah can stir up some MASSIVE MANURE with potions and alchemy. And is that not what we should all aspire to?"
Twilight: "...What?"
Applebloom: "So ah was thinkin': Maybe mah cutie mark is about potion making! Ah'll be writing to ya again real soonish, once ah get mah cutie mark!"
Applejack: "What?"
Sweetie Belle: "So, what are we going to do tonight, girls?"
Applebloom: "Same thing we do every night, Sweetie: TRY TO EARN OUR CUTIE MARKS!"
Scootaloo: "Yeah! As potion makers! Ya know, I've read about this really cool thing called 'Smooze' that we should look into!"
Twilight: *helplessly watches the Cutie Mark Crusaders gallop away*
Twilight: "STOOPID! YOUR BRAIN IS MADE OF STOOPID!"
Applejack: "Siiiigh... You'll get them next time, Twilight. Next time."

 

[sun tzu]

Scootaloo: "All right, all right. So making Smooze wasn't such a bright idea after all. But I think I have a better one now!"
Applebloom: "Do tell! Do tell!"
Scootaloo: "A pet cutie mark!"
Sweetie Belle: "You want to earn a cutie mark for having a pet?"
Scootaloo: "Nah, that's lame. I want to earn a cutie mark for being a pet! Rainbow Dash still doesn't have one of those!"
Applebloom: "Hm... Maybe you'd have better luck asking Fluttershy. I once saw her and Rainbo-"
CMC: *get telekinetically shoved out of this episode*
Twilight: "STOOPID! ALL YOUR ATOMS ARE BELONG TO STOOPID!"



MAY THE BEST PET WIN


Rainbow Dash: "Riiiiide iiiinto the DANGER ZONE! Riiiiide iiiinto the..."
Rainbow Dash: *streaks across the Skies of Equestria*
Rainbow Dash: *has competition. In the form of Owloysius.*
Rainbow Dash: "My, my. So the assistant librarian has a need for speed? Fine with me! Race ya to the-"
Owloysisu: *now has Wynona's head*
Rainbow Dash: "This... is not normal, is it? This isn't something that normally happens, right?"
Owlo-chimera: *now has Gummy's body and Angel's head*
Rainbow: Dash: "Oh no..."
Nightmare Chimera: *has Opal jump out from its throat to attack Rainbow Dash*
Rainbow Dash: "CODE TIRAC! CODE TIRAC! The Ebon Dragon is back! The Reclamation has won! The Yozis have broken free of their prison! All our base are belong to chaos, nightmares and evil!"
Rainbow Dash: *wakes up, sees the normal pets by the tree she was napping in*
Rainbow Dash: "...Or I could just be having a freaky nightmare. That's also a possibility."

Rainbow Dash: "...Wait. Why are all the pets here?"
Rarity: "Oh, hello Rainbow Dash. I do regret it if our little animal companions have interrupted your nap. Apologize to the nice supersonic pegasus, Opal."
Opal: "Fuck you."
Rarity: "...That's the closest to an apology Opal is capable of."
Rainbow Dash: "Whatever. Why did you girls all show up here with your pets?"
Applejack: "Same reason we meet here every week Dashie: Ta play with 'em."
Rainbow Dash: "Wait, this is a weekly thing for you girls?"
Twilight: "That is correct."
Rainbow Dash: "And this has been going on since how long?"
Twilight: "Oh... Well, see, after the whole mess with the Ebon Dragon, it occurred to me that we didn't really know if the animals were suffering from any sort of PTSD, so, just to be on the safe side..."
Rainbow Dash: "And I wasn't informed of this because...?"
Twilight: "Well, because I wasn't sure Scootaloo legally qualified as a pet. And I didn't want to risk her crusading for a pet-wrangler cutie mark."
Rainbow Dash: "Fair enough. I suppose I'll go back to my nap and..."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "Now, it's not that I'm getting jealous of the fun you girls are having, but I-"
Fluttershy: "Ohmygosh you want a pet! Yay! Come on, my pokemons, let me show them to you!"
Rainbow Dash: "...I've unleashed a monster."

[To the tune of "My Eyes" from Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog:]
Fluttershy: "Anyone with half a clue
Can see that pets are wonderful, it's true
And thus I very clearly know
That even you my dear Rainbow
Will find the pet to perch upon your coat of blue!

Look around at my menagerie:
See reptiles, rodents, more!
Find something that's cute as cute can be
Something one can adore!

Rainbow Dash what have we here?
Sea otters, and goats my dear!
I have chickens too-
No, not you Scootaloo!
Get outta here!"

Rainbow Dash: "Look right there
Remember that I soar the air
And if heights give some pets a scare
Then my time's something they won't share!

Sure I like cute stuff just like anypony else
I've owned some parasprites!
I'm so hardcore that I'll rhyme else with else
But my pets must have flight!

Fluttershy, listen to me!
My pets need certain qualities!
Firstly they must be cool
Speed is the second rule
Yes glorious speed!"

Derpy Hooves: "And then, they had this big singing duet, and it sounded awesome, but I couldn't make out the lyrics because they were both singing at once and I have independently-roaming eyes, not ears. But you should definitely buy the song on iMuffin!"

Rainbow Dash: "So, something fast! Something that can, you know, keep up with me!"
Fluttershy: "I know! A cute bunny!"
Rainbow Dash: "...I meant in the air, you know."
Fluttershy: "And a platypus and a kangaroo and a cricket and a fish and..."
Rainbow Dash: "Fluttershy, are you overdosing on adrenaline? Should I go get a doctor?"
Fluttershy: "And a monkey, and an ostrich, and..."
Rainbow Dash: "Look, I'm just saying, I need something cool! Something that flies!"
Fluttershy: "Oooh, how about an ant colony? Thousands of pets for the price of one!"
Rainbow Dash: "Fluttershy... I want something that can fly! Something that soars the skies! Something that propels itself through the air! Something that shares my aerial environment! Something that navigates through the x-y-z axes in a gaseous environment!"
Fluttershy: "Do you want something that can fly?"
Rainbow Dash: "Too subtle?"
Fluttershy: "Well, we have a lovely selection! Wasps, eagles, owls, bats, time..."
Rainbow Dash: "Well, in that case, there's only one solution: A competition to select the best one among them! And may the best pet win!"
Fluttershy: "Yay! I'm sure this doesn't violate animal cruelty regulations in any way whatsoever!"


And so, we enter the petolympcis!
Rainbow Dash: "All right, maggots, listen up! I don't know who invited you, but that was a mistake - only fliers are allowed, and you ain't got wings yet!"
Maggots: *leave*
Rainbow Dash: "As for the rest of you! Understand what you're getting yourselves into! No-one ever became the pet of the coolest pegasus in the world by dying for their owner - they did by making the other bastard die for their owner!"
Pets: *salute*
Applejack: "...Ah'm startin' ta think Rainbow Dash might not be all too clear on what pets are for."
Twilight: "I use mine to navigate through the night away from angry dragons. I'm not sure I'm in any position to correct her."
Rainbow Dash: "This competition will... Wait. What's that turtle doing here?"
Fluttershy: "Actually, he's a tortoise. And he just wants a fair chance to participate in the competition to be your pet."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "Unless he's named after an Italian Renaissance artist and practices martial arts, no."
Fluttershy: "But Dashie, he just wants it so hard..."
Rainbow Dash: "No means no."
Fluttershy: "Dashie, please, I'm begging here. Don't force me to use the Stare on you."
Rainbow Dash: "Why wouldn't I-"
Fluttershy: "In public. In front of all our friends."
Rainbow Dash: "...The turtle can participate."
Fluttershy: "Good little pet."

Rainbow Dash: "These games will test in you the qualities I desire in my loyal sidekick: Speed! Agility! Guts! Style! Coolness! Awesomeness! Radicalness! The potential to rainbow-nuke buildings!"
Twilight: "Ah, aren't these all the same thing?"
Rainbow Dash: "OK, see this? This is the kind of thinking that will exclude you from the competition. Sorry, Twilight, you can never be no pet of mine." *walks away*
Twilight: "Leave me out of your sick games."
Twilight: *mumbles* "And if I wanted to, I could totally have you. I know the Infinite Charisma Bonus spell."

Speed Contest:
Rainbow Dash: "And the winner is... The falcon!"
Fluttershy: "His name is Baron Von Hawksome, aka the Brown Baron. You can call him Mannfred."
Tortoise: *has advanced by a full inch!*

Agility Contest:
Rainbow Dash: "Nice score for the hummingbird. Gonna shave off a point, though."
Fluttershy: "Why?"
Rainbow Dash: "Didn't have enough points left to shave off the turtle's score. Had to borrow some somewhere else."
Fluttershy: "Tortoise, Dashie. Tortoise."

Guts Contest:
Rainbow Dash: "For this contest, you will be facing the most brutal, the most ruthless, the most why did it have to be it beast in all of Equestria: A pissed-off Opal!"
Opal: "MY CLAWS THIRST FOR INNOCENT BLOOD!"
Butterfly: *ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-WINGS!*
Opal: "...Fuck this shit, I'll pick a fight with the armored one instead."

Style Contest:
Rainbow Dash: "Never forget: Rainbow Dash always dresses in style! And if you hang out with me, you need to be a good accessory!"
Rarity: "Why is it that you can't rub off on Applejack more?"

Coolness Contest:
Rainbow Dash: "And the winner is... The eagle! For being the only creature in Celestia's blue sky that can sound cool while shrieking!"
Fluttershy: "His name is... um, you can call him Lothar. He's sometimes overshadowed by the Brown Baron, but he's pretty awesome on his own."

Awesomeness Contest:
Rainbow Dash: "And the winner is... The owl! For being able to turn his head around by more degrees than should be possible for a vertebrate!"
Fluttershy: "His name is Renée Owl Fonck. He prefers to fly alone... when alone, he performs those little coups of audacity which amuse him."
Rainbow Dash: "Really?"
Fluttershy: "No, wait. I think that was the eagle's quote."

Radicalness Contest:
Rainbow Dash: "Playing the national anthem on glasses before shattering them with ultrasound? Yyyyyeah, I think the bat won this one. Even if that was 'awesome' rather than 'radical'."
Fluttershy: "His name is Bat Immelman. He's invented all new aerial maneuvers that got named after him."
Tortoise: *Was trained by no radical rat*
Rainbow Dash: "Sigh... Listen turtle..."
Fluttershy: "Tortoise."
Rainbow Dash: "WHATEVER!"
Fluttershy: "...I'm using the riding crop tonight."
Rainbow Dash: "As I was saying... Look, A+ for effort and all, but seriously. Your performance is made of more fail than a crus-"
Twilight: "Don't! We're already way over our 'mock the CMC' budget."
Rainbow Dash: "...As I was saying, your performance is made of more fail than a gollum lingerie model. For the love of dignity, just, just quit."
Rainbow Dash: "And in the meanwhile, I've finally got my finalists - the best, coolest fliers in Fluttershy's cottage!"
Fluttershy: "We used to have another flying ace. His name was Hermann Goshawk."
Rainbow Dash: "Oh? What happened to him?"
Fluttershy: "God-Empress Celestia banished him to the Everfree Forest. He was such a big, dumb meanie toward grundles!"


Rainbow Dash: "All right! Finalists, gather 'round! You lot have proven yourselves to be the pet elite - but in the end, there can be only one! As such, I bring you - the final contest! A race - with me - in Ghastly Gorge!"
Rainbow Dash: "Now, don't let the name fool you! Ghastly Gorge is very nice, so long as you're an adrenaline junkie with something to prove and no sense of self-preservation! Now, whoever among you crosses the finish line with me will have proven that they can keep up with Rainbow 'do the impossible' Dash, and earned eternal glory as my pet!"
Brown Baron: "Eep..."
Lothar: "Why are we doing this again?"
Renée Owl: "Unreasonable competitiveness?"
Bat Immelman: "Sounds about right."

Rainbow Dash: "I love the smell of victory in the morning. Smells like napalm! Now, let's GO!"
Tortoise: *doesn't know the meaning of give up*
Wind Tunnel: *slams would-be pets with tempest-class force*
Bat Immelman: "Never give up... Never surrender..."
Maze of Thorns: *redefines pain*
Brown Baron: "Why? Why, cosmos, why?"
Rainbow Dash: "Oh, forgot to mention this tiny unimportant detail: Watch out for the quarry eels!"
Quarry Eels: *Are gigantic monsters straight out of your nightmares whose heads pop out of the wall to eat you!*
Brown Baron: "UNHOLY GUANO!"
Lothar: "THIS is a DETAIL?!"
Renée Owl: "THE HORROR! THE HORROR!"
Bat Immelman: "I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS!"
Brown Baron: "Here's an idea: First, we finish the race. Then, we beat the stuffing out of the pony."
Quarry Eels: *TRY TO EAT THE CONTESTANTS ALIVE!*
Bat Immelman: *gets swallowed whole!*
Bat Immelman: *navigates through quarry eel's respiratory system to escape through the nose!*
Quarry Eel: "I feel so violated. Why are you even here?"
Bat Immelman: "Jerkass pony."
Quarry Eel: "Go beat the stuffing out of the pony for me."

Rainbow Dash: "Come on, slowpokes! Do try to keep up with-"
Rainbow Dash, Mistress of the Sonic Rainbomb: *collides with rock wall*
Rock wall: "Fuck it, I quit."
Rainbow Dash: "AVALANCHE!"
Rainbow Dash: *wing gets caught under heavy rock*
Brown Baron: *passes by*
Lothar: *passes by*
Renée Owl: *passes by*
Bat Immelman: *passes by*
Rainbow Dash: "They're... approaching the finish line... and I'm... stuck here?"
Rainbow Dash: "I'M LOSING A RACE! I HAVE LOST THE WILL TO LIVE!"
Rainbow Dash: *realizes she's stuck in Ghastly Gorge*
Rainbow Dash: "I HAVE LOST THE ODDS TO LIVE! HEEEEEELP!"
Suddenly Tortoise! For a very relative value of "suddenly"!
Rainbow Dash: "NOOOOO! Not only am I quarry eel chum, I'm also stuck with the most annoying turtle in the world!"
Tortoise: "Two things."
Tortoise: "First of all:"
Tortoise: "I'm a tortoise."
Tortoise: "Not a turtle."
Tortoise: "Learn the difference."
Tortoise: "Second:"
Tortoise: "Shut up."
Tortoise: *lifts rock a thousand times its size*
Rainbow Dash: "WTF?! Where did you get super-strength?!"
Tortoise: "There... was a shapeshifting wizard way up the family tree. He, ah, started doing weird stuff after the knight he trained failed to protect the kingdom from a team-up between the Ten-Eyed Man and Team Rocket."
Tortoise: "We don't like to talk about it."

Twilight: "I must say, as far as animal abuse goes, these petalympics are way more entertaining than they should be."
Rarity: "Aren't they just, my dear? And my, it would appear that we have a winner!"
Brown Baron, Mannfred Von Hawksome: *Falcon for the win!*
Lothar: "Well, second place ain't shabby."
Bat Immelman: "Do you know who I am? I am the goddamn bronze!"
Renée Owl: "Huh. With this name, you'd think I'd have been second place."
Twilight: "Well! I'm sure that Rainbow Dash, not having arrived first, simply wanted to graciously allow the pets to cross the finish line before her due to sheer humility."
Twilight: "By which I mean, CODE ORANGE! CODE ORANGE! Something's wrong with Rainbow Dash!"
Applejack: "Look! There was a rockalanche over there!"
Fluttershy: "Oh no! It's because I said 'yay' earlier, isn't it? I knew I was being too loud!"
Pinkie Pie: "Have no fear, the turtle is here!"
Twilight, Applejack, Rarity: "TORTOISE!"
Fluttershy: "Whatever."

Tortoise: *carries Rainbow Dash across the finish line*
Spike: "Way to go, my reptilian brother. Remind them mammals who's actually useful around here."
Twilight: "Rainbow, we're so glad you're not hurt!"
Rainbow Dash: "Yeah! I mean, it's only sufficient injuries that I couldn't fly and had to let a slow-as-shit tortoise carry me! No big!"
Applejack: "Well, 'tleast ya got yer own pet now! Three cheers for Baron Hawksome!"
Rainbow Dash: "Um..."
Rainbow Dash: "Fast enough to keep up with me, totally badass, cooler than dry ice, will never lose a fight with that dumb dog..."
Rainbow Dash: "Buuuuuut..."
Rainbow Dash: "Dammit, why can't all choices in life be easy?"
Fluttershy: "I can haz yay?"
Rainbow Dash: "Ahem. Cool as the Brown Baron may be... I said that whoever crossed the finish line with me got to be my pet!"
Pinkie Pie: "She did! That's what she said! Those were her exact words! So it's not an attempt to weasel out of crap by playing rule lawyer!"
Twilight: "Yes it is."
Rainbow Dash: "The tortoise is the only one who stopped to save my sorry ass - he wins!"
Brown Baron: "..."
Brown Baron: *shakes hand-equivalents with the tortoise*
Brown Baron: "You, sir, are a gentlecritter and a scholar. Fare thee well."
Rainbow Dash: "Spike, take a letter:"
Rainbow Dash: "Dear God-Queen Celestia, I usually tend to think I'm awesome because I am the fastest, coolest, toughest creature in the world. And I'm totally right! But today, I have been reminded that what makes me even cooler is the whole 'Element of Loyalty' thingie. Which is why, instead of getting a pet who approached my levels of coolness, I took one who's uncompromisingly loyal to a pony he'd only known for a few minutes! One who would never give up on me - and, in fact, who would never give up, period! One with true grit! One with just-keeps-goingness!"
Twilight: "Tenacity, resolve, perseverance, persistence, determination, doggedness, intestinal fortitude, resoluteness, staunchness."
Rainbow Dash: "Ah, aren't these all the same thing?"
Twilight: "This right here is the kind of attitude that results in me hitting you with a thesaurus."
Tank the tortoise: *begins what promises to be a fascinating war with Opal*
Fluttershy: "But Dashy, didn't you want a pet that could fly, so that it wouldn't keep you grounded?"
Rainbow Dash: "Hm..."

And so:
Tank the tortoise: *gets equipped with magitech flying apparatus*
Tank the tortoise: *is now a tortoi-copter*
Rainbow Dash: "Goddammit I love Exalted."

For years afterwards, there was an abnormally high concentration of guano falling on Rainbow Dash's cloud home.

 

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

MAY THE BEST PET WIN

Click to shrink...

This episode was a wasted concept. 'Pets aren't toys and are living beings' is a damned fine message for this show's target demographic. Hell, there's adults who need it, too! But we got the barest of lip-service to that with one line from Applejack. It's a preview of 'Daring Don't', except to this episode's barest of credit, it doesn't break the setting.

 

[sun tzu]

Well met, bronies! As Autumn meets its endmost month, my meticulous watch meets more amazing mysteries! May you find mirth in the amazing, the momentous, the marvelous, the magnificent...


THE MYSTERIOUS MARE-DO-WELL


Reverend Sister Scootaloo, Pope of the Ordo Rainbow Dasho: "Fillies and gentlecolts, I declare today's meeting of the Cult of Awesome open! We are gathered here today to give our thanks and our souls to She Whose Rainbow Will Pierce The Heavens: Saint Rainbow Dash of Her Glorious Super-Duperness!"
Fellow cultists: "All hail!"
Reverend Sister Scootaloo: "Now, first item on the agenda: Some rumors have been brought to my attention of heresy within the ranks. Brother Snips...?"
Brother Snips: "Lies! Lies and balderdash! I am most definitely not in league with the worshipers of the so-called Great and Powerful Trixie! That was the past!"
Reverend Sister Scootaloo: "OK, next item: As you'll all noticed, the rate of accidents in Ponyville has skyrocketted lately, mostly because of how local topography has gone all topsy-turvy..."
Brother Snips: "What's topology?"
Reverend Sister Scootaloo: "Beats me. I think it's what Twilight calls all the new hills that popped alllll over town when the quarry eels went berserk."
Brother Snips: "Ah. I wonder what set them off like that."
Reverend Sister Scootaloo: "I'M 100% SURE IT WASN'T SMOOZE GETTING INTO THEIR CAVERNS!"
Brother Snips: "..."
Reverend Sister Scootaloo: "...Ahem. What I meant to say is, there's tons of accidents lately, and that's not a problem! It's an opportunity! At least, according to a mysterious benefactor who's bankrolling our cult..."
Brother Snails: "Say, how come you even have the time to be doing this? Aren't you busy crusading for cutie marks?"
Reverend Sister Scootaloo: "Ah... Actually, the CMC has agreed to lay low for a little bit. Every time Twilight sees all three of us together, she starts twitching like crazy, waving her hoof at us and mouthing something like she wants to scream it but can't. It's kinda freaking us out."


Rainbow Dash: "Ahhhh. This is the life. Complete recovery from my injuries. Almost nopony's blaming me for the quarry eel thing. I'm regaining Essence Motes at an accelerated pace thanks to the Cult of Awesome. And I'm sure that any day now, the Wonderbolts will-"
Unnamed Filly: "HELP! I'VE FALLEN DOWN THE WELL AND WYNONA'S NOT HELPIIIING!"
Rainbow Dash: "This looks like a job foooooor... someone awesome!"
Rainbow Dash: *dives down the well*
Rainbow Dash: *rescues filly*
Rainbow Dash: *sees a whole crowd waiting there*
Crowd: "YAY!"
Rainbow Dash: "Huh? When did all of you get here?"
Pony #1: "I heard Sapphire Shores was here."
Pony #2: "I heard that someone was giving away free salt samples."
Pony #3: "I was just told to come here."
Rainbow Dash: "Huh."
Pony #4: "But what's important is that you saved that little filly! Well-done!"
Rainbow Dash: "Ah, shucks, it was nothing."
Unnamed Filly: "I beg to differ, Saint Rainb... I mean, Rainbow Dash! You're my hero!"
Rainbow Dash: "Eh-heh. Sure. Of course. Say, how did you end up down there anyway?"
Unnamed Filly: "The Cult of Awesome told me to I MEAN I FELL! I FELL!"
Rainbow Dosh: "Well, good ponies, it was an honor, but this heroine must now DASH OFF!" *does so*
Reverend Sister Scootaloo: "Just as planned by our mysterious benefactor."


Unnamed Mare: "OH NO! MY BABY AND ITS CARRIAGE! TREACHEROUS TOPOGRAPHY!"
Rainbow Dash: "Speed Force FTW!"
Rainbow Dash: *saves baby*
Crowd: "YAY HERO!"
Rainbow Dash: "Oh no! There's something wrong with the baby!"
Crowd: "LE GASP!"
Rainbow Dash: "...She's not cheering loud enough for the awesometastic heroism of I, Rainbow Dash!"
Crowd: "YAY JERKASS!"
Paparazzi Ponies: "SCORE!" *flash cameras*
Rainbow Dash: "Heh... Lemme show you my best angles. But how did you show up here so fast?"
Paparazzi Ponies: "A... source... informed us that something interesting would be taking place in Ponyville this week."
Reverend Sister Scootaloo: "Yes! The plan is working! Thanks to our mysterious benefactor, soon the world shall bow before Saint Rainbow Dash within the folds of the Cult of Awesome!"

Twilight: "Two daring rescues within a short time interval, both of them with significant exposure... Do you think we should be worried about this going to Rainbow Dash's head?"
Applejack: "Tarnation, filly, how would we even be able ta tell tha difference?"


Senior Citizen Ponies: "Ahhhh. This is the life. Bright sunny day, a nice balcony to hang out on, bits of the balcony's support beams sawed off..."
Senior Citizen Ponies: "...Wait, what?"
Balcony: "This is the part where I kill you."
Senior Citizen Ponies: "HELP! HELP! WE'RE TOO OLD TO DIE!"
Rainbow Dash: "Never fear - your friendly neighborhood Rainbow Dash is here!" [/actual dialog]
Rainbow Dash: *additional dashing deed of derring-do!*
Crowd: "ALL GLORY TO RAINBOW DASH!"
Crowd: "RAINBOW DASH FOR GOD-EMPRESS! RAINBOW DASH FOR GOD-EMPRESS!"
Rainbow Dash: "Ohhhh yeah. Who's da pony?! Who's da pony?!"
Crowd: "YOU DA PONY! YOU DA PONY!"
Rainbow Dash: "Who's fantastic?! Who's fantastic?!"
Crowd: "YOU'RE FANTASTIC! YOU'RE FANTASTIC!"
Rainbow Dash: "Who's the best of the best, gonna beat all the rest, cause my life is a quest to be awesome with zest?!"
Crowd: "YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU!"
Twilight: "Hoo-kay! Things are definitely getting out of hand here. Somepony... ought to take matters into their own hooves."


PRESS CONFERENCE TIME!
Rainbow Dash: "...and then I heroically charged down the well to rescue that poor innocent filly. Oh, I know what you're thinking: Wasn't it dangerous? Wasn't there a risk of quarry eels, or worse? Well of course there was! But I, The Amazing Rainbow Dash (but I repeat myself) charged in anyway, headless of danger! Because I'm just that much of a superhero! (That's a word I had to invent for myself, since 'hero' just doesn't cut it anymore.)"
Twilight: "Holy manure, all those foals with Rainbow Dash paraphernalia... Have you been monetizing this hero stuff?"
Rainbow Dash: "Huh? Oh, I've licensed the rights to my likeness to some people... Mysterious Benefactor Incorporated or something. I get royalties on it, and on the reporters."
Twilight: "Wait, wait, what? The reporters are paying for your bombastic, self-aggrandizing interviews?!"
Spike: "Well, duh!"
Twilight: "...Explain."
Spike: "Twilight, look around you. Between Night Mare Moon and the Ebon Dragon, the good people of Equestria need to believe that someone's keeping them safe. They need to believe that someone's watching over them. They need a superhero."
Spike: "Rainbow Dash has the looks, the showmanship, the ability, and pre-existing fame. In other words: Right now, at this juncture in time, she's solid gold."
Rainbow Dash: "You're flattering gold there, Spike buddy."
Rainbow Dash: "Speaking of buddies: Come get immortalized, AJ!" *grabs Applejack in front of the cameras*
Applejack: "I've saved tha whole goshdarn world twice on tha Elemental Harmony Squad! I've already got a stained glass window at tha royal palace!"
Twilight: "Wait a minute. Spike... Why are you taking notes?"
Spike: "Oh, I've been hired by Rainbow Dash to write her autobiography. And when it hits the shelves, I'm expecting it to sell better than dictionaries!"
Twilight: "You're writing Rainbow Dash's autobiography?"
Twilight: "...I think that's a grammatical contradiction."
Rainbow Dash: "Bah! Proper grammar is for lesser ponies, and I'm way too busy kicking ass and taking names on my way to save the day, keep threats at bay, make them my prey and make it okay to bother with such trifling concerns! Now if you'll excuse me... Rainbow 'The Flash' Dash has yet more foals wanting to bask in her glory!"
Spike: "Sure, boss. And later, there's the meeting with Mayor Mare, about the proposal to rename Ponyville 'Dash-Central City'."
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Pinkie, AJ, are you pondering what I am pondering?"
Applejack: "I think so, brainiac, but how will we throw the eggs high enough to hit her cloud house?"


Rainbow Dash: *signs autographs*
Filly: "Thank you, Miss Rainbow Dash! When I grow up I want to be just like you!"
Rainbow Dash: "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Rainbow Dash: "Wait, you were serious?"
Rainbow Dash: "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Rainbow Dash: "Heh... Yeah. Aim high, kid!"
Rainbow Dash: "Dude, am I an inspiring role model or what?"
Meanwhile, up in the sky!
It's a bird!
It's a plane!
It's... the city's hot air balloon! With a big hole in it! Heading toward the ground at terminal velocity!
Balloon Pilot Pony: "WHY IS THERE A HOOOOOOOOOLE?!"
Snips: "Um, Saint Rainbow Dash of Her Glorious Super-Duperness, shouldn't you be rescuing the balloon pilot pony?"
Rainbow Dash: *signs autographs* "Yeah, yeah, sure. Still go time to spare."
Balloon Pilot Pony: "GOODBYE CRUEL WOOOOOORLD!"
Rainbow Dash: *poses for the cameras* "Still got time to spare."
Balloon Pilot Pony: "I HAD SO MUCH LEFT TO LIVE FOOOOOOOR!"
Rainbow Dash: *signs another merchandising deal for Mysterious Benefactor Incorporated* "Still got a little bit of time to spare."
Ballon Pilot Pony: "...NO, SERIOUSLY. I AM GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIE!"
Rainbow Dash: "Hm. Maybe I should get going now."
Snips: "...Possibly."
Rainbow Dash: "HEEEERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAAAAY!"
Suddenly, up on the rooftops!
It's a phoenix!
It's hot air balloon!
It's... A marvelous, mysterious, mauve masked mare!
Mystery Mare: "I am the terror that trots in the night! I am the horseshoe Night Mare Moon notices was the wrong size only after she had it nailed!"
Mystery Mare: *jumps and catches Balloon Pilot Pony at the last moment*
Rainbow Dash: "Wha...?" *collides with balloon*
Balloon Pilot Pony: "I... I'm not dead? How am I not dead?"
Newtonian Physics: *shakes fist angrily* "Curse you, wretched superheroes!"
Pony #1: "That was amazing!"
Pony #2: "A dashing deed of derring-do, I do decidedly declare!"
Pony #3: "Let's give her a merchandising license! ...Wait, where did she go?"
Mystery Mare: *gallops into the sunset*
Pony #4: "Who was that masked mare?"
Mayor Mare: "A heroic figure, selflessly defending our fair town, and with whom city hall is most definitely not affiliated through any channel! I dub our new heroine - Mare Do-Well!"
Rainbow Dash: "Pony what."


Come visit Ponyville, home of Rainbow Superhero Dash (and the rest of the Elemental Harmony Squad)! Don't want to get your legs tired? Just buy a free wagon tour with Mysterious Benefactor Incorporated! And if your wagon begins careening dangerously down the hill, feel free to scream loudly to attract our local hero's attention!
Pony Tourists: "WE NEED A HERO! WE'RE HOLDING UP FOR A HERO TILL THE END OF THE CLIFF! SHE'S GOTTA BE STRONG, AND SHE'S GOTTA BE FAST, BUT THE TIME WINDOW IS RATHER BRIEF!"
Rainbow Dash: "Hey guys! Looks like you're in mortal danger, huh? Well, if it isn't your lucky day! Never fear, your friendly neigh..."
Pony Tourists: "JUST SAVE US ALREADY YOU INCONSIDERATE JERKASS!"
Rainbow Dash: "Hmpf. You guys have no appreciation for the art of awesomeness."
Rainbow Dash: *stops the wagon*
Rainbow Dash: *except not*
Rainbow Dash: *because it's big and heavy and has more kinetic energy than she can handle*
Rainbow Dash: *so there.*
Suddenly!
"I am the terror that trots in the night! I am the webcomic that stops updating just when the Yozi gets really invested in its plot! I, am Mare Do-Well!"
Mare Do-Well: *stops the runaway wagon!*
Tourist Ponies: "YES! Sweet, merciful ground! Oh, thank you, Mare Do-Well! Why, is there any autobiography of yours we could... Hey, where did she go?"
Mare Do-Well: *gallops over the hills and far away*
Rainbow Dash: "WTF? She's stronger than me?"
Rainbow Dash: "Goddamn power escalation!"
Rainbow Dash: "Well, strength alone doesn't make the hero! And she's gonna find out the hard way!"

Meanwhile, within the secret lair of Mysterious Benefactor Incorporated...
"No, this won't do. This won't do at all. The licensing, the business ventures... The plan only works with a publicly acclaimed hero like Rainbow Dash. There's no money in someone who won't stick around to sign merchandising rights, like Mare Do-Well.
"But all is not lost. Mare Do-Well can't be everywhere at once. I just need to arrange a few more truly spectacular accidents for our dashing little pawn to handle."

And so, at the construction site...
Worker Pony: "Hey, why is the machinery acting funny?"
Machinery: "DOOM BE UPON YE!"
Worker Pony: "That's... not a good sound."
RAIN OF BRICKS, STEEL BEAMS, AND DANGEROUS HEAVY STUFF!
Rainbow Dash: "Bingo!"
Rainbow Dash: "Never fear, your f..."
Heavy wooden beam: "FUCK YOU!" *attacks Rainbow Dash*
Rainbow Dash: "Whoa." *barely dodges*
Rain of dangerous heavy stuff: *is making it really dangerous to navigate through it and save workers*
Suddenly!
"I am the terror that trots in the night! I am that horrid cannibalism fanfic that ruins evil's reputation! I, am Mare Do-Well!"
Mare Do-Well: *navigates bullet hell*
Mare Do-Well: *dodges all projectiles with preternatural awareness*
Mare Do-Well: *knows dodge-fu!*
Rainbow Dash: "Ha! I rescued a worker! Top that, Mare Do-Smell!"
Four other workers: "She saved us. Consider yourself topped."
Rainbow Dash: "FAUUUUUUUUST!"

Rainbow Dash: "OK, let's keep things in perspective. Sure, she's stronger than a locomotive, faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... She even seems to have some kind of spider-sense... But I am made of win. I just need to do better, is all."

Meanwhile, within the secret lair of Mysterious Benefactor Incorporated...
"NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! This won't do AT ALL!"


Later, at Ponyville's hydro-arcanic dam...
Under the strain of twisted topography, a fissure appears.
Rainbow Dash: "Oh my goodness! If the dam breaks apart, Ponyville's a goner!"
Rainbow Dash: "Well, ain't it grand that they have me to save the day!"
Rainbow Dash: *plugs leak... with her own hoof*
Rainbow Dash: *is not the sharpest crayon in the bunch*
Rainbow Dash: "If only somepony were here to pat me on the back. Heh. Guess I can do it myself!" [/actual dialog.]
Hydro-Arcanic Dam: "Your heroing is bad, and you should feel bad!"
Hydro-Arcanic Dam: *hits Rainbow Dash with a flood of water and concrete*
Rainbow Dash: "HELP! HELP! WINGS SUCK AT HYDRODYNAMICS!"
Suddenly!
"I am the terror that trots in the night! I am the test that crime forgot to study for! I, am Mare Do-Well!"
Mare Do-Well: *rescues the jerkass*
Rainbow Dash: "I... I owe you my life."
Rainbow Dash: "SHOOT ME! SHOOT ME NOW! This is worse than losing a race to Twilight!"
Mare Do-Well: *reveals horn underneath hat*
Mare Do-Well: *magnificent demonstration of magical might!*
Mare Do-Well: *single-hoofedly repairs the hydro-arcanic dam!*
Rainbow Dash: "What the magical fuck?!"
Crowd: "Three cheers for Mare Do-Well, our savior!"
Rainbow Dash: "I... No. Stop. Stop! She's got super-strength, ludicrous speed and agility, rapid precog, and magic?! Hax! How am I supposed to compete with that?!"
Rainbow Dash: "Wait a minute..."
Rainbow Dash: "That's right! I can fly! Unless Mare Do-Well can magically give herself wings, she's completely ground-bound! That means I still hold a monopoly on heavenly heroics!"
Suddenly!
"I am the terror that trots in the night! Um, if that's all right with you."
Mare Do-Well: *flies by*
Rainbow Dash: "What the flying fuck?!"
Rainbow Dash: *cries bitter tears of impotent uselessness*

Meanwhile, within the secret lair of Mysterious Benefactor Incorporated...
*cries bitter tears of impotent ruined financial schemes*
"Oh, wait. There's still... the book. Well, gotta run! Places to go!"


At the Sugar-Cube Corner:
Applejack: "Yessiree, that Mare Do-Well sure did done a good job makin' Ponyville safer!"
Rainbow Dash: *fumes*
Fluttershy: "It's great that she shows such kindness to everyone! She's really in her element when helping others!"
Rainbow Dash: *boils*
Twilight: "I gotta say, I was more than a little impressed by the spell she used to save the dam. I mean, you realize the amount of power and skill that would take? Why, she'd have to be the greatest mortal mage in Equestria!"
Rainbow Dash: *sublimates*
Rarity: "And that delightful costume of hers? Why, that makes her a hero of fashion as well! I do dare declare, that dashing disguise demonstrates distinguished design! Verily, whoever designed that must be the most talented fashion designer of our age!"
Rainbow Dash: *ionizes*
Applejack: "Best of all, she's modest about it! She doesn't use the whole friggin' thing for fame and fortune!"
Rainbow Dash: *antimatter annihilation*
Rainbow Dash: "Well, screw that noise! I do declare - MARE DO-WELL SUUUUUUCKS!"
Spike: *takes notes* "Is that with six 'U's, or seven?"
Rarity: "Oh, Spike, you're still writing that autobiography? Save yourself the carpal tunnel syndrome. Sales on that thing won't offset printing costs."
Spike: "...They won't?"
Rarity: "Hardly. Our local masked heroine is simply too much of an imagination-grabbing concept. Popular culture is already shifting as we speak. In Manehattan, a pair of Grundles have started producing a comic that retells the tale of one of their historical heroes, this time as the lone survivor of a ruined world who gets his powers from Celestia's aura. In Canterlot, another writer is telling the tales of a mysterious crime-fighting shadowy hero who can cloud the minds of ponies. And so on."
Rarity: "So you see, classical heroes are simply... passé, I'm afraid."
Spike: *cries bitter tears of useless efforts*
Rainbow Dash: "This is ridiculous! That jumped-up so-called heroine can't be that popular!"
Spike: *hands Rainbow Dash latest newspaper*
Newspaper: "Mare Do-Well: Awesome or Terrific?"
Rainbow Dash: "OK, buck this manure. I'm going out, and I shall not rest until I have proven myself the superior heroine!" *dashes off*
Rarity: "Were we too subtle?"


Rainbow Dash: "Let's review: Mare Do-Well is an alicorn. Presumably God-Queen Luna, out to steal my fame because she's a bitch like that. So I'm going to need to work hard to out-do her!"
Rainbow Dash: "No accidents... No out-of-control vehicles... No Elder Evils attacking... Not even wandering monsters from the Everfree Forest! This is awful!"
Rainbow Dash: "Wait! Old lady crossing the street! Perfect!"
Granny Smith: "Huh?"
Rainbow Dash: "Never fear, your heroic, awesome, splendid, modest neighborhood Rainbow Dash is here!" *begins pushing her across the road*
Granny Smith: "Leggo! Leggo! Imma gonna sick my grandkids on ya!"
Rainbow Dash: "Aaaand here we are on the other side! No need to thank me, just doing my heroic duty! So, how 'bout some thanks?"
Granny Smith: *kicks Rainbow Dash's teeth out* "I wasn't gonna cross no street, you vandal!*
Rainbow Dash: "Dalk a'out o'er-reag'ion..."

Rainbow Dash: "M'am, I must request that you allow me to open this jar of peanut butter for you! It's too dangerous!"
Pony: "If you have a friend out there, then she's surrounded by idiots."

Rainbow Dash: "Ah-ha! I have cut the grass! How heroic of me!"
Pony #1: "LAME!"
Pony #2: "Get her off the stage!"
Pony #3: "Even Derpy hates you! Or would if she was here!"
Pony #4: "Burn the dork!"
Rainbow Dash: "A crowd just called me lame."
Rainbow Dash: "I HAVE LOST THE WILL TO LIVE!"
Rainbow Dash: "AGAIN!"


Rainbow Dash: *broods*
Rainbow Dash: *realizes brooding does not turn her into Batmare*
Rainbow Dash: *gets even more depressed*
Rainbow Dash: "They're wrong! They're all wrong! They're all wrong and I'm right!"
Rainbow Dash: "...So why do I still care? Why am I so alone?"
Reverend Sister Scootaloo: "Yo! Rainbow Dash!"
Rainbow Dash: "YES! Present and accounted for! The one, the only, the Great and Powerful Rainbow Dash, awesome pony to end all awesome ponies!"
Reverend Sister Scootaloo: "That's great. Anyway, I wanted to tell you: Since the Cult of Awesome has just officially canonized her, do you want to come with us to the municipal ceremony where Saint Mare Do-Well of Her Glorious Heroic Supremacy will be given the key to the city?"
Rainbow Dash: "LEAVE ME ALONE! I VANT TO BE ALONE!"
Rainbow Dash: "Why the Dream Valley would I want to attend a ceremony in honor of this mysterious masked meddler..."
Rainbow Dash: "Masked..."
Rainbow Dash: "Yeah, sure, I'm coming."


Mayor Mare: "Fillies and gentlecolts, I hereby open the parade in gratitude to our city's illustrious protector - Mare Do-Well!"
Suddenly! But not entirely unexpectedly!
"I am the terror that trots in the night! I am the spanner in the works, foiling the plans of malevolent mysterious so-called benefactors! I, am Mare Do-Well!"
Rainbow Dash: "Charmed. I am loyalty! I am the sky! I, am Rainbow Dash! And I believe it's time to remind you of the 1st Rule of Superhero Crossovers:"
Rainbow Dash: "THEY HAVE TO FIGHT!"
Rainbow Dash: "So let's see what shameful face you're hiding under that mask!"
CHASE SCENE!
Rainbow Dash: "You think you can escape me?! Don't you realize I'm..."
Mare Do-Well: "I am the terror that trots in the night!"
Rainbow Dash: "You're toast, is what you are!"
Mare Do-Well: "I am the voice calling up from behind you, when you're 100% I was in front just an instant ago!"
Rainbow Dash: "What the..."
Mare Do-Well: "I am the faceless pony who can be everywhere at once!"
Rainbow Dash: "Well, you won't be so faceless anymore once I tear that ugly mask off of you - until I cave your face in with my hooves, that is!"
Mare Do Well: "I am the bulletproof idea that you cannot kill! Do you think to unmask me? There is no Flesh and blood behind this mask. There is only an idea - the idea of an anonymous hero, defending others for no reward but a good conscience!"
Rainbow Dash: "Enough talk, have at you!" *finally tackles Mare Do-Well*
Rainbow Dash: "It's over, Luna! Your game is through!"
Rainbow Dash: *unmasks Mare Do-Well, revealing...*
Pinkie Pie: "Um... Hi?"
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "MY BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!"
Twilight Sparkle: *wanders by, with Mare Do-Well costume*
Rainbow Dash: "Agabagu... Wipdiplip... Chookchookcook..."
Applejack: *wanders by, also with same costume*
Rainbow Dash: "My mind, it has gone boom."
Rainbow Dash: "WHAT THE BUCK?! WHAT THE BUCKING BUCKITTY BUCK?!"
Rainbow Dash: "YOU... MASKED MARE... NOT AN ALICORN..."
Rainbow Dash: "EXPLAAAAAAAIN!"
Twilight: "There is no singular Mare Do-Well. When Ponyville is in trouble, one of us simply dons the costume, and saves the day."
Applejack: "That wagon? That required the strength of an exceptionally tough earth pony, namely, yours truly!"
Rainbow Dash: "Wait, you mean the mare who was stronger than me was the only athlete in this town who has done well against me in competitions?!"
Pinkie Pie: "And I used my Pinkie Sense to detect incoming trouble! And save the construction workers!"
Rainbow Dash: "Wait, Pinkie Sense? That's real? I thought it was a one-episode thing."
Twilight: "And if none of us ever mention that abomination again, it'll stay a two-episode thing."
Twilight: "Anyway, it was my magic that saved the dam."
Rainbow Dash: "That insanely powerful magic was yours?! I COULD NEVER HAVE SEEN THIS COMING!"
Fluttershy: "I handled aerial situations, and used my Stare to send Grogar's para-demons packing!"
Rarity: "I, naturally, designed the stylish costume. And financed the operation using taxes from my Underdark Empire."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "All right. OK. That answers all of my questions, except one: WHY? Why go to these ridiculous lengths to ruin my career?"
Twilight: "Several reasons!"
Twilight: "First of all: Like I told her Momjesty after Winter Wrap-Up, we can all be kinda bitchy toward each other."
Rainbow Dash: "Makes sense."
Twilight: "Second: Did you seriously not notice the supervillainous plan you were playing into?!"
Rainbow Dash: "Beg your pardon?"
Twilight: "Come on, Rainbow Dash! Since when is Ponyville so accident-prone? Sure, the new topography didn't help, but that alone couldn't account for it. Someone was fixing those odds. Someone was deliberately causing accidents right where Ponyville's speedster hero would be able to publicly tackle them! And most of these acts of sabotage could be traced back to Mysterious Benefactor Incorporated - the very dummy corporation that holds the license to your likeness right!"
Rainbow Dash: "This is so non-canon it hurts."
Twilight: "And third: Your attitude simply had to stop before it drove us nuts."
Rainbow Dash: "Whaddaya mean?"
Twilight: "For Celestia's sake, Dash - you were practically turning into Trixie back there!"
Rainbow Dash: "The Great and Powerful Rainbow Dash was NOT!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "WAS TOO!"
Rainbow Dash: "Holy manure, even Pinkie and Fluttershy got angry!"
Rainbow Dash: "Oh my gosh. You're right. I let this go to my head like, like... Like Rarity's flutter pony wings!"
Twilight: "Horeston, we have cognition."
Rainbow Dash: "Sigh... So you girls decided to get together and show me, and everyone else, how to do heroics right, by putting together an anonymous hero who'd save the day without her civilian identity ever taking the credit, and without playing into some evil merchandising scheme."
Rainbow Dash: "And the big lesson of this whole mess is that I need to be modest about the fact that I'm better than everyone else, and not take it too badly if by some impossible miracle someone occasionally does better than me at something."
Twilight: "...I'll take what I can get."
Rainbow Dash: "Right. Dracofax time. Spike?"
Spike: "Yeah, way ahead of you. Letter ghost-written and ready to be sent!"
Rainbow Dash: "...Lemme check that."
Rainbow Dash: *checks letter* "I, Rainbow Dash, have learned today that I suck at handling money, and am thus making Spike the permanent manager of my financial estate, specially if I one day become a Wonderbolt..."
Rainbow Dash: "Nice try."
Spike: "Phooey." *leaves*
Twilight: "Heh, don't think that gets you out of writing that letter."
Rainbow Dash: "Wouldn't dream of it."

Mysterious Benefactor: "You may have ruined my rainbow scheme, Mare Do-Well, but I am far from done!"
Mysterious Benefactor: "I will eventually be able to afford what I want! I'll buy you next time, mountain of gems - next time!"
Mysterious Benefactor: *twirls mustache*
Mysterious Benefactor: "The world will never be safe from... Spikely Whiplash! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Spike: "...Unless the mood for archvillainy just doesn't strike me again. It could get old fast."

 

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

THE MYSTERIOUS MARE-DO-WELL

Click to shrink...

I remember my own review of this boondoggle of an episode. And I decided both sides fucked up. Rainbow Dash was letting her ego go out of control, but her friends, instead of confronting her directly about it, came up with the bullshit Mare-Do-Well plan. Also, the town turning on Dash was also bullshit.

As for the town becoming death trap central? Pure, 100% author fiat. It's like the end of Angels Take Manhattan. It happened this way because of PLOT.

 

[sun tzu]

I remember my own review of this boondoggle of an episode. And I decided both sides fucked up. Rainbow Dash was letting her ego go out of control, but her friends, instead of confronting her directly about it, came up with the bullshit Mare-Do-Well plan. Also, the town turning on Dash was also bullshit.

As for the town becoming death trap central? Pure, 100% author fiat. It's like the end of Angels Take Manhattan. It happened this way because of PLOT.

Click to shrink...

Yeah, which is kind of why I went into "so not-canon it hurts" territory with this review. XD

 

[sun tzu]

Pimplepony: "So, yeah, I got a new job. Gotta budget to leave my folks's home, y'know?"
Pony Not Appearing In This Episode: "I dunno, dude. Remember how your previous jobs have gone so far?"
Pimplepony: "Well..."
Pony Not Appearing In This Episode: "Working the register at the clock shop?"
Pimplepony: "We got overrun by an angry mob when the sun didn't come up on Summer Sun Celebration."
Pony Not Appearing In This Episode: "Waiter on an airship?"
Pimplepony: "Almost suffocated to death on dragon smoke."
Pony Not Appearing In This Episode: "Food delivery to Fillidelphia?"
Pimplepony: "Parasprite attack."
Pony Not Appearing In This Episode: "Catering at Photo Finish's show?"
Pimplepony: "Canceled at the last minute due to model being a no-show."
Pony Not Appearing In This Episode: "Janitorial service at the GGG?"
Pimplepony: "The ballroom exploded. Twice."
Pony Not Appearing In This Episode: "And that job at the royal garden?"
Pimplepony: "OK, OK, I get the picture! But come on, this is just a simple job as a bellhop, carrying luggage for visitors at the Royal Castle. I'm sure I'll be all right."



SWEET AND ELITE



Pimplepony: *carries Rarity's half-ton of luggage*
Pimplepony: "Me... and my... big... mouth..."
Rarity: "Really? You're really letting me stay at a real suite at the real Canterlot Castle? For real?"
God-Queen Celestia: "But of course. My faithful student, surrogate daughter and beloved pawn Twilight said you were staying at Canterlot for a while, and I don't see why this empty suite should go to waste."
Rarity: "THANK YOU! THANK YOU, YOUR WORSHIPFULNESS! THIS UNWORTHY UNICORN KISSES YOUR DIVINE HOOVES!"
Rarity: *kisses Celestia's hooves.*
Celestia: "Um..."
Rarity: *kisses Celestia's hooves. No, really.*
Celestia: "Ah, Miss Belle...?"
Rarity: *kisses Celestia's hooves. It's not a turn-on, she swears!*
God-Queen Celestia: "Please, for the love of Me, stop that. You're making this very embarrassing."
Rarity: "What was that, your Majesty?"
God-Queen Celestia: "...I said, you're quite welcome."
Pimplepony: "Can't... feel... legs..."
God-Queen Celestia: "Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be off. There's a time-capsule I need to bury to convince future post-apocalyptic archaeologists to time-travel back to our era and give us prior warnings."
Rarity: "Of course, your Highness."
God-Queen Celestia: "Oh, and... Empress Rarity, Tyrant of the Underdark? just one thing. Try not to break the bellhop."
Rarity: "The bellhop?"
Pimplepony: "Muscles cells... dying..."
Pimplepony: *crashes and gets buried under luggage*
Rarity: "Oh. That bellhop."


Rarity: "I love the smell of finely-brewed caffé latté in the morning. Smells like Canterlot!"
Rarity: "The sights, the culture, the sophistication... Born and raised in Ponyville though I may be, Canterlot is where my soul takes wing! The center of civilization, the jewel of Equestria! A marvel of the world, verily."
Rarity: "Think, Opal: In Ponyville, wearing clothes outside of special occasions is considered awkward, barring rare exceptions. But here? Here, everypony wishes to express their tastes, their individuality, and perhaps their status, through the art of fabric! Is it any wonder that I've always dreamed of living here?"
Rarity: "And I get to room at the Royal Castle! No, really, I have to thank Twilight properly for this. Hm... Designing her the perfect dress as a gift for her upcoming birthday party should do the trick, I believe..."
New pony: "Excuse me, mademoiselle... I am Jet-Set, and this is my wife, Upper Crust. We were wondering where you had acquired this marvelous chapeau?"
Rarity: "This days-old thing? Why, I'm glad you asked! I..."
Dumbass Pony: "Hey! Rarity! Long-time no see!"
Rarity: "..."
Dumbass Pony: "Last time we met was last month at Ponyville!"
Jet-Set: "You're from... Ponyville?"
Dumbass Pony: "She sure as sugar is! Hell, she's the one-pony cultural hub o'the place!"
Upper Crust: "Ponyville? The Hellmouth town bordering on the Everfree Forest? Wasn't that a penal colony where God-Queen Celestia sent Equestria's worst thugs to act as a buffer between civilization and horror?"
Rartiy: "Ah, the penal colony bit is only an urban legend..."
Upper Crust: "Hmph. I thought that hat looked a little... country."
Rarity: "Le gasp!" *dies a little bit inside*
Jet-Set: "I told you it wasn't something you could get here in the center of civilization, dear."
Rarity's soul: "Le gasp!" *dies a little bit inside*
Jet-Set and Upper Crust: *synchronized shunning!*


Rarity: "A little country? Not something you could get here?"
Rarity: "As God-Queen Celestia is my witness, I shall not stand for this affront!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Did you say something?"
Rarity: "Nothing, nothing."
Rarity: "More seriously, though: I'll show them! I'LL SHOW THEM ALL!"
Rarity: "By my honor as an artist, Twilight's dress shall not be merely a lovely design - neigh, it shall be a MASTERPIECE, more than worthy of this city! It shall wow and amaze all who see it! All the socialites and snobs will look up and shout Please save fashion!... and I'll whisper No."
Rarity: "Well, actually, I'll probably say yes, but I'll be thinking no."

Rarity: *trots through the streets* "Expensive fabric, expensive feathers, expensive needles, expensive time... I think that covers just about-"
Rarity: *collides with stallion*
Stallion: *is none other than...*
He is the life of parties he hasn't even attended.
He is wanted in several countries. For breaking the laws of physics.
He once caused a Sonic Rainboom. By walking.
He plays chess with God-Queen Celestia. And loses in MORE than ten moves.
He is... the most interesting pony in the world.
Rarity: "Y-You're Fancy Pants, Master of the Monocle!"
Fancy Pants, Master of the Monocle, a pony of wealth and taste: "Guilty as charged. And this here is my girlfriend, Trophy."
Trophy: *Is the very picture of Equestrian beauty standards - in other words, looks like a smaller Celestia*
Rarity: "Oh my goodness."
Rarity: "Terribly sorry about this. I couldn't see where I was going with all these bags, and I was in such a hurry to get back to my suit at Castle Canterlot..."
Fancy Pants: "You're staying at the castle?"
Rarity: "Oh, yes, God-Queen Celestia has invited me to make use of the amenities for the duration of my stay."
Trophy: *examines Rarity's purchases* "A pony with expensive tastes, I see..."
Rarity: "Again, I'm terribly sorry I bumped into you!"
Fancy Pants: "I'm not. You seem like a pony worth bumping into."
Fancy Pants: "My dear, I would like to extend an invitation. I, and a number of my companions, will be making use of a VIP box at the Wonderbolts' derby this afternoon. Would you care to join us?"
Rarity: "There isn't enough yes in the world."
Fancy Pants: "Smashing! I shall be seeing you there, miss...?"
Rarity: "..."
Rarity: "Tyrant of the Underdark?"
Fancy Pants: "Doesn't ring a bell."
Rarity: "Elemental Harmony Squad?"
Fancy Pants: "Is that a music troupe?"
Rarity: "Saved the world twice?"
Fancy Pants: "Hm..."
Rarity: "Designed dresses for Hoity-Toity and Sapphire Shores?"
Fancy Pants: "Go on..."
Rarity: "Sigh... Just call me Rarity."
Fancy Pants: "Then it shall be a pleasure seeing you later, Rarity."

Rarity: "Wait, wait. Let's us not be too hasty. Wonderful as this opportunity may be... Should I stay or should I go? If I go there will be trouble... But if I stay, it will be double!"
Rarity: "Pro: This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Fancy Pants is the most important mortal in Canterlot. Schmoozing with him could open many, many doors for me."
Rarity: "Con: This will cut into the time I have to make Twilight's dress. And while my Ponyville friends may be unsophisticated yokels, they're my unsophisticated yokels, and they'll appreciate my work on an altogether different level than a bunch of strangers."
Rarity: "BAH! If I can create six lovely dresses personalized for my friends in a short amount of time, then I can create one in the time I'll have left after the derby!"


Wonderbolt Derby!
Jet-Set: "Hmph. Don't look, my dear. I fear that a Ponyville yokel is breathing the same air as us."
Upper Crust: "Why, the very nerve! Couldn't she take a hint and stop existing after last time? We even did our synchronized shunning! What more does it take?!"
Fancy Pants: "Ah, Rarity! So glad to see you! Do come into the VIP box, my dear."
Jet-Set: "What in Celestia's name..."
Upper Crust: "My world is crumbling!"

Rarity: "Oh sweet alicorns... I'm surrounded by high-level socialites! Please, nerves, don't give up on me now!"
Fancy Pants: "Everypony, I would like you to meet Empress Rarity, Tyrant of the Underdark. She's staying at Castle Canterlot."
Rarity: *is suddenly the center of attention*
Announcer: "FILLIES AND GENTLECOLTS! WELCOME TO THE WONDERBOLTS DERBY! PREPARE TO BE AMAZED BY FEATS OF SPEED THAT GIVE GLORY TO OUR FAIR NATION!"
Announcer: "ALSO, DAYTIME SUCKS, AND HAD THOU ANY INKLING OF GOOD TASTE, THOU WOULD BE HOLDING THIS EVENT DURING THE NIGHT, THOU UNWORTHY PLEBEIANS!"
Fancy Pants: "The announcer may have a few issues, but I'll admit, I really like her mane."
Fancy Pants: "As for the race, I do believe I shall be rooting for Rapid Fire. He cannot lose, I believe."
Socialite #1: "But of course!"
Socialite #2: "Certainly!"
Socialite #3: "Obviously!"
Rarity: "I'm fairly confident Fleet Foot will be winning, actually."
Socialite #4: "Shun the witch!"
Announcer: "THE COMPETITION IS NOW OPEN! GAZE UPON THE GLORY OF EQUESTRIAN SPEED!"
Announcer: "AND THOU! HATH WE NOT REQUESTED A REFRESHING BEVERAGE THREE HUNDRED SECONDS AGO?! IF OUR THIRST IS NOT QUENCHED SOON, THY EMPLOYMENT SHALL BE CANCELLED - FOREVER!"
Wonderbolts: *flirt with Mach 1*
Crowd: *goes wild*
Announcer: "AND THUS DOTH FLEET FOOT RISE ABOVE HER COMPETITION, PROVING THE SUPREMACY OF HER SPEED! GLORY BE TO THE VICTOR!"
Announcer: "AS FOR THOU, IF WE DO NOT SEE OUR PREVIOUSLY REQUESTED BEVERAGE WITHIN-"
Announcer: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WRONG MICROPHONE? ACCURSED CONTRAPTION!"
Fancy Pants: "Well I'll be! Dash it all, Rarity, how were you able to predict Fleet Foot's victory?"
Rarity: "Oh... My friend Rainbow Dash always says she's the fastest of the Wonderbolts."
Socialite #1: "Who?"
Rarity: "Rainbow Dash? Exalt of Loyalty?"
Socialite #2: "Is that a simulation game?"
Rarity: "Part of the Elemental Harmony Squad? Saved the world twice?"
Socialite #3: "Doesn't ring a bell."
Rarity: "Winner of last year's Best Young Flyer competition?"
Socialite #4: "There's a competition for that?"
Rarity: "..."
Rarity's Inner Thoughts: "I'm surrounded by clueless, hyper-isolated idiots - and yet, I'm currently looking like an even bigger idiot!"
Rarity: "...She's the Wonderbolts' trainer. Yeah, that's the ticket."
Fancy Pants: "Lodged at Canterlot Castle, and a friend of the Wonderbolts' trainer! I told you she was an important pony!"
Fancy Pants: "Three cheers for Rarity!"
Socialites: "Huzzah!"
Jet-Set and Upper Crust: *headasplode*

Rarity: "...and that is why this is the funniest joke in the world."
Socialites: *laugh*
Socialite #1: "Truly, Rarity, I would be delighted to bask in your glory at the art gallery I'm opening this evening!"
Socialite #2: "And I would simply love to have you present at the charity auction I'm holding tomorrow!"
Socialite #3: "And I simply must have you attend my dinner party tomorrow night!"
Rarity: "Um..."
Rarity: "Look, it's not that I mind having a bunch of fawning stalkers. It's a lifelong dream of mine, really..."
Rarity: "But there's this project of mine that cannot be delayed any further, and..."
Socialite #1: "Rarity, I'm begging you! Without your presence, all that art will be worthless!"
Socialite #3: "Without you, the food will have no taste! ...Um, I didn't mean that in an ingredient kind of way."
Socialite #2: "And did I mention that this auction is for charity? We want to buy young, disenfranchised foals a clue!"
Rarity: "Le gasp! Generosity! My greatest weakness!"
Rarity: "I'll... be so happy to attend."
Rarity: "..."
Rarity: "Help."


Rarity: "All right, Opal - looks like we'll be staying a few days longer. I have conquered the Underdark; surely I can conquer Canterlot's high society!"
Opal: *disapproves*
Rarity: "Yes, yes, Twilight's dress. No need to stress."
Rarity: "I'll get to it. But first things first!"


[To the tune of "Pretty Fly for a Rabbi":]
How you doin' lady?
Quite well, quite well!
How you doin' lady?
Quite well, quite well!
How you doin' lady?
Quite well, quite well!
All the ponies say I'm pretty chill (for Ponyville)!

Canterlot's had its fair share, of alphas in the past
But most of them were losers, and few of them would last!
But our new gal is awesome, I think she'll do the trick
I tell you she's to die for, she really knows her schtick!

So come and see, her name is Rarity!
Perfect taste in every form of artistry!
Schmoozing every day, roses pave her way!
All in her sway! All in her sway!
Just say "there's art here", and she'll kick into gear
Blueblood must behave otherwise he's gonna get smeared!
Her name is Rarity, and
She conquers high society!

Rarity: "Christened an airship, raised a fortune for charity, impressed Photo Finish, managed not to slay Blueblood, kept Derpy from choking on her own pearls, had an awesome musical number... What am I forgetting today?"
Opal, who can't talk: "The dress, you twit."
Rarity: "Right... Let's... do this part... and then..."
Rarity: *collapses from exhaustion*


Rarity: "All right, looks like I'm packed. Gotta hurry. Gotta return to Ponyville with enough time to spare to finish Twilight's ensemble!"
Pimplepony: *losing Hit Points from sheer weight*
Pimplepony: "Glad... to be... of service..."
Rarity: *gets letter* "Huh?"
Rarity: "An invitation to the Canterlot Garden Party from Jet-Set and Upper Crust?"
Rarity: "Well, I'm afraid those two will simply have to do without m-"
Rarity: "THE CANTERLOT GARDEN PARTY?!"
Rarity: "That's the second most important social event in Equestria, right after the GGG! That's incredible!"
Rarity: "...but if I go there, I'm going to miss Twilight's party."
Rarity: "...but if I DON'T go there, my reputation in Canterlot may well be ruined! All those business opportunities, all that ego validation, gone up in smoke!"
Rarity: "Oh cruel tropes! Why must you inflict such merciless choices upon us!"
Rarity: "...There'll be other opportunities to be a good friend to Twilight. I'm not going to be invited to this party again if I don't attend this year. Sorry, Ponyville."
Pimplepony: "My pain... is the stuff of legends..."
Rarity: *begins writing a letter* "Dear Twilight, I'm afraid I will be delayed in Canterlot because... because... because Opal is sick!"
Opal: "Cat what."
Rarity: "As such, I'm afraid I need to stay here and take care of her. Love - Empress Rarity, Tyrant of the Underdark."
Pimplepony: "PLEASE tell me that means I can let go of your luggage."

Rarity: "Dressed up, spruced up, and just about ready to go! Opal, any advice?"
Opal: "Be a cat. I Don't care."
Rarity: "You're right, I should also wear this hat! Now, onward!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "SURPRISE!"
Rarity: "DAMN YOU IRONIC CALLBACKS!"
Rarity: "What I mean is... what are you girls doing here?"
Twilight: "I'm glad you asked!"
Twilight: "When I heard you couldn't leave Canterlot for now, I asked Pinkie if we could move my birthday party here, so you wouldn't have to miss it!"
Rarity: "..."
Rarity: "First you get me the suite, and now..."
Rarity: "Twilight, you're the most wonderful (and inconvenient) friend ever. I don't know what to say!"
Rainbow Dash: "How 'bout you start by saying something along the lines of, I dunno... what you're doing in this fancy getup?"
Rarity: "..."
Rarity: "Opal hates bad fashion, remember? I thought dressing up in her presence might cheer her up a bit."
Fluttershy: "How thoughtful! Can I have a look at her, being the closest thing we have to a veterinarian?"
Rarity: "Justamomentplease." *slams door*
Rarity: "Opal, this is going to hurt me more... well, as much... well, OK, a bit less than it will hurt you.'
Opal: oO
Rarity: *gives Opal an impromptu shower*
Opal: oO
Rarity: *opens door*
Fluttershy: "My goodness, Opal, you look terrible! Don't worry, auntie Fluttershy will take good care of you!"
Opal: *stares daggers at Rarity*
Opal, who can't talk: "Sooner or later, you will go to sleep. You will not wake up. Ever."
Opal, who can't talk: "Because I'll murder you."
Opal: who can't talk: "And you'll be dead."
Opal: who can't talk: "Bitch."
Twilight: *sees the unfinished ensemble*
Twilight: "Is that supposed to be my dress?"
Rarity: *sweats heavily* "...Yes?"
Twilight: "It's so... simple."
Rarity: *on the verge of tears*
Twilight: "So... practical."
Rarity's soul: *on the verge of tears*
Twilight: "So ME! I love it!"
Rarity: "I'M SO SORR - I mean, I'm really glad you like it!"


Twilight: "So, when I told her Momjesty we were moving the party to Canterlot, she was gracious enough to offer us this castle room for it!"
Pinkie Pie: "Shiny dance floor and everything! Isn't it fancy-pants?"
Rarity: "WHAT? WHERE?!"
Rarity: "Oh. You meant that as an adjective."
Rarity: "Um, yes, yes it is. Though how you got this all set up in time is beyond me."
Pinkie Pie: "Oh, Rarity! Time wasn't an issue!"
Rarity: "...You don't have access to a TARDIS, do you? I always figured it was just one of those things the fans made up."
Pinkie Pie: "Nope, cannon!"
Rarity: "Wait, what? The Doctor Whooves thing is canon?"
Pinkie Pie: "No, this is the cannon!" *produces a party cannon. Yes, really.*
Twilight: "I'd originally thought of having an open-air party, but, well, the garden was taken by another party."
Rarity: "J-J-J-Jet Set? Upper Crust? The Canterlot Garden Party? Right on the other side of the..."
Rarity: "Hell. I'm in ironic hell."

PARTY!
MUSIC!
FRIENDSHIP!
FUN!
TEARY-EYED RARITY PUTTING ON A BRAVE FACE!
Rarity: "Well, no reason I can't at least make an appearance..."
Rarity: "...as long as I make good use of stealth, that is."

Garden Party!
Fancy Pant: "Rarity! Glad to have you among us!"
Rarity: "I wouldn't miss this for the world!"
Fancy Pants: "...say, what is that scent? Is that... Cake frosting?"
Rarity: "Eeeep."
Rarity: "Well, everybody loves the smell of cake frosting, right? So it only makes sense to put a slight touch of the thing behind my ears before going out, right! Ha ha ha! Hahahahahahahaha! Ha."
Fancy Pants: "Fair enough!"

Birthday Party!
Rarity: "So I guess what I'm saying..."

Garden Party!
Rarity: "...is that I'm truly delighted..."

Birthday Party!
Rarity: "...to be here..."

Garden Party!
Rarity: "...among you special ..."

Birthday Party!
Rarity: "...ponies with whom..."

Garden Party!
Rarity: "...I so love to mingle ..."

Birthday Party!
Rainbow Dash: "Rarity, you're holding a croquet mallet."
Rarity: "'IES! 'IES AN' 'AL'ER'ASH!"
Rarity: *spits out mallet*
Rarity: "Oops."
Twilight: "Rarity? Have you been sneaking to that garden party?"
Rarity: "I..."
Rarity: *throws herself at Twilight's hooves*
Rarity: "I'M SO SORRY! LET ME KISS YOUR HOOVES! IT'S NOT A TURN-ON, I SWEAR! YOU'RE NOT REMOTELY AS ATTRACTIVE AS GOD-QUEEN CELESTIA ANYWAY! THAT CAME OUT WRONG!"
Twilight: "Rarity, I"m surprised at you..."
Rarity: *sobs*
Twilight: "...I hadn't realized what a shrewd businessmare you were!"
Rarity: "As my penance, I shall exile myself to the underda... wait, what?"
Twilight: "That looks like super-rich high society over there! With the GGG looming over the horizon, all of them will probably be spending a fortune on items of clothing in the near future! That's admirably intelligent on your part!"
Rarity: *brainwarp*
Rarity: "...Yes. That's exactly what I was thinking. But, um, I didn't want to appear rude by leaving your party..."
Twilight: "Oh, Rarity. No need to worry about that. In fact, you should probably got there and mingle!"
Rarity: "...Please say that again."
Twilight: "You should go out there and mingle?"
Rarity: "Twilight... You're a better friend than I deserve."
Rarity: "See you later, girl!" *trots on her merry way*
Rarity: "This is perfect. I was such an idiot, worrying like that. All I had to was admit what I wanted! And now, the episode can end with everybody happy, and my reputation can be safe! Oh frabjous day!"
Rainbow Dash: "Hey! No need to go alone! We're your friends; I'm sure those dudes and dudettes won't mind if we crash their little get-together!"
Rainbow Dash: "Come on, girls! Let's show them how we party, PONYVILLE STYLE!"
Rarity: "ALL HOPE IS DEAD."

PARTY CANNON!
Rarity: "Oh Celestia, this is going to be the Grand Galloping Gala all over AGAIN!"
RAINBOW DASH ALWAYS FUMBLES CROQUET IN STYLE!
Rarity: "The horror! The friendly, well-intentionned horror!"
FLUTTERSHY AM BECOME SNOW WHITE!
Rarity: *cries elegantly*
PINKIE PIE'S TABLE MANNERS!
Rarity: "A change of name. Face, too. Relocating to Trottingham. No, to the Everfree Forest."
APPLEJACK'S GARDENING!
Rarity: "This is SO not what 'garden party' means."
MAYHEM! CHAOS! ANARCHY! FRED!
Rarity: *hits the sauce*
Rarity: "Confound these ponies, they drive me to drink!"
TWILIGHT DANCING!
Rarity: "Sweet fancy Moses!"
Upper Crust: "What in the holy name of fashion is she wearing?!"
Fancy Pants: "Excuse me, Miss, but I was wondering... Where, dare I ask, did you obtain this ensemble?"
Twilight: "Oh, think nothing of it! It was a gift from a dear friend of mine back in Ponyville!"
Rarity: "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!"
Fancy Pant: "Ponyville. You don't say..."
Twilight: "Oh, I do say! She..."
Rarity: "FANCY PANTS! COME QUICKLY! I SIMPLY HAVE TO SHOW YOU A DISTRACTION!"
Fancy Pants: "In a moment, my dear. This lovely filly from Ponyville - wink wink nudge nudge - was just about to tell me who made her that charming dress."
Rarity: "What, that forgettable thing? Oh, it's really not-"
Twilight: "Don't be so modest, Rarity! This dress you made me is lovely!"
"Gasp!"
"Shock!"
"Horror!"
"Shun the witch?"
Twilight, oblivious and surrounded by the Elemental Harmony Squad: "...We ALL love it!"
"Gasp!"
"Shock!"
"Horror!"
"Shun the Witch? Yes?"
Rarity: *has died and gone to hell*
Fancy Pants: "Rarity? You know these ponies?"
Rarity: *looks around her*
Rarity: *sees the situation*
Rarity: "This far, but no further."
Rarity: *steps up*
Rarity: "YES, I KNOW THEM!"
Rarity: "They are a walking disaster. They gotta be confined to Ponyville, because they are a menace to society who make everything worse outside of it. They destroy everything they touch. They are unsophisticated, barbaric yokels who carve a path of chaos and devastation in their wake."
Rarity: "And, even more importantly?"
Rarity: "Do you know they're all my very best friends? We have faced together horrors, Elder Evils, and worst of all, ourselves. So I can say without any hesitation: Elements of Harmony or not, they are, without a doubt, the most important ponies I know."
Jet-Set: "Important? These... ruffians?"
Upper Crust: "Ha! Don't make me laugh!"
Fancy Pant: "Well, I, for one, find them charmingly rustic!"
Jet-Set and Upper Crust: "Pony what."
Fancy Pants: "And I think the dress you have made for your friend is rather lovely - quite fitting for her direct personality! I imagine this style will be taking Canterlot by storm!"
Upper Crust: "...But of course! I would like to order one immediately!"
Jet-Set: "And one for me, of course!"
Rarity: "Oh, you two go buck yourselves."
Twilight: "You know... There was something oddly... familiar about the way you handled this, Mister..."
Fancy Pants: "Pants. Fancy Pants. And really, all I did was ask myself that most important of questions: What Would Celestia Do?"
Twilight: "...You, sir, are a scholar and a gentlecolt."


Rarity: "Dear God-Queen Celestia, I hope this letter finds you well..."
God-Queen Celestia: "I'm right here, you know."
Rarity: "Oh, right. Sorry, been spending too much time on stealth and machinations lately."
Rarity: "Dear God-Queen Celestia, I have learned today that no matter where we end up, where we came from remains part of who we are, and that's nothing to be ashamed of."
Pimplepony: *is crushed nearly to death under weight of luggage*
Pimplepony: "Kill me..."
God-Queen Celestia: "...I really need to hire more personnel for these things."
Pimplepony: "Hobo... Must... try career... as hobo..."

 

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

SWEET AND ELITE

Click to shrink...

The Mane Five should've been arrested and had their asses thrown into jail for their actions at the party. I do not care about them being heroes or not or whatever. It doesn't matter.

And I found the Canterlot populace. barring Jet Set and Upper Crust to be overall nice ponies. And even then compared to some of the villains...

 

[sun tzu]

And I found the Canterlot populace. barring Jet Set and Upper Crust to be overall nice ponies. And even then compared to some of the villains...

Click to shrink...

Fancy Pants is clearly meant to be viewed positively. The rest of the socialites, Jet Set and Upper Crust aside, weren't treated by the show as bad folks either (at worst, maybe a bit inclined to herd mentality and worrying too much about status and approval, but even then, well, charity and stuff - we're not meant to dislike them).

 

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

Fancy Pants is clearly meant to be viewed positively. The rest of the socialites, Jet Set and Upper Crust aside, weren't treated by the show as bad folks either (at worst, maybe a bit inclined to herd mentality and worrying too much about status and approval, but even then, well, charity and stuff - we're not meant to dislike them).

Click to shrink...

The show, maybe. The fanbase, however, needlessly and rather badly demonizes them way out of proportion and makes them sometimes out to be baby-eating cultists or some crap like that.

 

[woweed]

The Mane Five should've been arrested and had their asses thrown into jail for their actions at the party. I do not care about them being heroes or not or whatever. It doesn't matter.

And I found the Canterlot populace. barring Jet Set and Upper Crust to be overall nice ponies. And even then compared to some of the villains...

Click to shrink...

I assume Fancy Pants being cool with it was enough to prevent charges being pressed.

 

[The Fourth Monado]

Honestly the most amusing thing about this episode is that a good chunk of fans saw them and were like "Ah yes, titled nobility"

when they're p obviously not that, and the show then proceeds to go out of it's way to go "They're all Captains of Industry or some capitalist shit like that"

 

[sun tzu]

Honestly the most amusing thing about this episode is that a good chunk of fans saw them and were like "Ah yes, titled nobility"

when they're p obviously not that, and the show then proceeds to go out of it's way to go "They're all Captains of Industry or some capitalist shit like that"

Click to shrink...

There are certain common themes to "upper class" regardless of the exact sociological details.
It's not clear to what extent titled nobility really exists in Equestria - if Blueblood has any actual position of power we've never seen it in the show - but people in power (be it from money or another source) tend to form a somewhat isolated clique in almost any society.

 

[sun tzu]

Fancy Pants: "So, do tell - when you gave the Elemental Harmony Squad the ballroom right next to the Canterlot Garden Party, was that truly an innocent coincidence?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Why, my friend - what ever are you implying?"
Fancy Pants: "Well, someone with a millennium of experience with high and low society would normally have a rather good idea of how social cause and effect function. Such a pony would easily have deduced that Rarity would have two-timed the events. Such a pony would also have realized that her Ponyville friends would have noticed. Now, would such a pony have realized that these same friends would have proceeded to create a destructive echo of the Grand Galloping Grotesquerie? The only logical consequence of that would have been Rarity defending them before the Canterlot elite. And if one were inclined to erode the walls separating the upper and middle class..."
God-Queen Celestia: "People sure do love attributing complex Batman Gambits to me. One might almost think I had earned it."
Fancy Pants: "Ha, right. But more seriously, I do like that sextet. They seem like interesting folks."
God-Queen Celestia: "Septet, actually..."
Fancy Pants: "Oh?"



SECRET OF MY EXCESS


Twilight: "Reshelving is serious business!"
Twilight: *reshelves seriously*
Twilight: "Let's see... Spellcraft 101 goes under the magic section. Friendship for Derps is self-help. The Evils of Tyrant Celestia is fiction. Odyssey from River Bend goes to the under-appreciated section. General Relativity slash Quantum Mechanics goes in my private clopfic collection. Nightmarish Adventures: My Life from Midwest to Dream Valley by God-Queen Celestia goes in my to-read section..."
Spike: "BWAHAHAHA! MINE! IT'S ALL MINE!" *breaks Twilight's concentration*
Books: *fall on Twilight*
Spike: "...I just felt a slight disturbance in the Force. Like karma was being an ironic bitch."
Twilight: "Right. What's got you so excited anyway"
Spike: "Behold: A heartstone!"
Twilight: "...Aren't these things the physical souls of sentient mountains? I think their mentioned around..." *searches for Nightmarish Adventures*
Spike: "More importantly, they're delicious! I'm saving this one for my birthday next week!"
Spike: *notices books all over the floor*
Spike: "...So, did you decide to embrace the path of chaos or something?"
Twilight: "Don't even joke."
Rarity: "Hello, Twilight, I was wondering if you had any..."
Rarity: "Le gasp! Is that a... heartstone?!"
Rarity: "It is the most perfect of perfect gems! And I speak as a connoisseur!"
Spike: "Perfectly tasty, too!"
Rarity: "Yes! Per... Wait, did you say tasty?"
Rarity: "You would... consume such an eternal piece of perfection? You would deprive the world of its light, in the name of fleeting pleasure?"
Twilight: "Ahem. You wanted something, Rarity?"
Rarity: "Uh, yes. I was looking for books about fashion History. As Tyrant of the Underdark, I must learn to plan ahead, like our beloved God-Queen. I have the feeling that, following the popularity of Mare Do-Well, capes will soon be the new black, and I would like to study the designs of yore..."
Rarity: *can't tear her eyes off the heartstone*
Rarity: *Presence Excellency*
Rarity: "I do hope, Spike, that this gem is as delicious as it is beautiful."
Rarity: "I'M NOT TRYING TO MANIPULATE SPIKE! SHUT UP!"
Spike: "...You really like this heatstone, huh?"
Rarity: "It is... glorious. Almost as beautiful as my bishie sparkles."
Rarity: "NO! I'M NOT TAKING ADVANTAGE! STOP SAYING THAT!"
Spike: "...Greater love hath no dragon than this, that he lay down his meal for his friends. Only two things in this room are perfect, and thus, I must match them together." *gives gem to Rarity*
Rarity: "Spike! Exalt of Generosity though I may be, I declare myself humbled by your gallant move! This is, beyond a doubt, the kindest act I have ever experienced! (Give or take a couple.)"
Rarity: "To you, noblest of reptiles." *kisses Spike on the cheek*
Spike: *emotiongasm*
Rarity: "Oh joy! Oh rapture! Oh door!" *leaves the library*
Twilight: "Huh. That was exceptionally altruistic of you, Spike. This is the happiest I've seen Rarity when her career isn't involved."
Twilight: "...Though I do wonder if I should be worried about you two."
Spike: "I will never wash this cheek again."
Twilight: "...So is that a yes?"


A week later:
Twilight and Spike: *finish preparing library for birthday party*
Spike: "There! Perfect!"
Twilight: "Almost perfect."
Spike: "Hm?"
Twilight: "There's still a blight zone in need of decontamination."
Spike: "Oh no! Oh nonononono! When I said I'd never wash that cheek again, I meant it!"
Twilight: *grins* "Then it's time to rumble."
Spike:*ulp*
Spike: *runs like hell*
Spike: *gets teleported back again and again*
Spike: "Oh sure, now you're thinking with portals!"
Twilight: "It's over, Agent Spikeson! You cannot escape!"
Suddenly Pinkie Pie through teleport!
Pinkie Pie: "Happy birthday!"
Spike: "Uh..."
Twilight: *cleans Spike's cheek*
Twilight: *has learned to incorporate Pinkie's randomness into her plans*
Twilight: *has leveled up!*
Spike: "Oh dragon."
Elemental Harmony Squad: "SURPRISE!" *shower Spike with gifts*
Spike: "Um, wow."
Rainbow Dash: "Why the weirded-out look? You know you're supposed to get gifts on your birthday, right?"
Spike: "Well, in theory, yes."
Spike: "But this is my first birthday in Ponyville. I'm used to only getting one gift. From Twilight. A book."
Twilight: *hides gift-wrapped copy of The Evil Overlord's Handbook* "Eh-heh."
Spike: "Then again, every time, something really good would just happen, all random-like, and Celestia would be giggling, so..."
Rarity: "Speaking of gifts..."
Rarity: "Gentlemares... BEHOLD! The next step in fashion evolution!" *produces dashing cape*
Rarity: "I expect these to take Equestria by storm - starting with Mare Do-Well cosplayers, and climbing up to supermodels! And I have decided to give each of you a personalized version, inspired as I am by Spike's immense generosity in giving me this lovely heartstone!"
Heartstone: *has now been socketed into a golden collar*

Spike: "Presents and gifts and things and stuff and possessions and presents and gifts and you guys are AWESOME!"
Applejack: "Yes. We know. You've been repeating that non-stop for the past 30 minutes. It's getting creepy."
Spike: "Sorry, I'm still kinda getting used to all this 'gift' thing. It's like a Pinkie high! I wish this party could last forever!"
Pinkie Pie: "Did you say..."
Pinkie Pie: "...Forever?"
Pinkie Pie: "If you want to picture the future, imagine a hoof stamping on the floor to a funky rhythm..."
Pinkie Pie: "...but not forever, because that would get in the way of you going to the Sugar Cube Corner, where the Cakes have a surprise for you, 'cause it's your birthday!"
Spike: "I BE GONE!" *zooms out*

At the Sugar Cube Corner:
Mr and Mrs Cake: "Ah, Spike! When that weird pink thing that has taken over the upper room told us it was your birthday, our professional pride demanded that we come up with a pastry appropriate for a dragon! Behold our creation!" *produce a blue cupcake encrusted with sapphires*
Spike: "MINE IS THE JOY THAT WILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS!"

Spike: "Wowzer, first a bunch of gifts from my friends, then a super-cupcake from Pinkie's handlers...Best day ever!"
Spike: *bumps into Cheerilee*
Spike: "Yikes! Sorry about that!"
Cheerilee: "Think nothing of it. What was it that had you in such a good mood?"
Spike: "Oh, well, I just got this great treat from the Cakes for my birthday..."
Cheerilee: "Oh, it's today? Happy birthday then! Gosh, I wish I had something to give you... Idea!"
Cheerilee: *takes pimp hat from her grocery hat, gives it to Spike*
Spike: "Um, thanks, but... Why did you have a pimp hat in the first place?"
Cheerilee: "Theater props. The foals are putting together a Mare Do-Well school play, and they thought it would be more interesting to give her a villain to fight."
Meanwhile, in a story entirely unrelated to this one:
Bon Bon: "Oh Lyra..."
Lyra: "Oh Bon Bon..."
Derpy Hooves: "Oh hi there!"
Bon Bon and Lyra: "GODDAMMIT DERPY!"


Spike: "First my birthday compels the Cakes to feed me. Then it compels Cheerilee to hat me. I do wonder..."
Lickety-Split: *plays ball*
Spike: "Uh, hey... Lickety-Split?"
Lickety-Split: "Hey there!"
Spike: "You... have a ball."
Lickety-Split: "Yep."
Spike: "And you're here. In Equestria."
Lickety-Split: "Last time I checked, yeah."
Spike: "And you're male now."
Lickety-Split: "Beg your pardon?"
Spike: "Sorry, weird flashback."
Spike: *grins evilly*
Spike: "Saaaay... Have I mentioned it's my birthday?"

Spike: *has a ball now*
Spike: "BWAHAHAHA! MINE! IT WILL ALL BE MINE!"
Spike: "Birthdays are like a superpower! Spikeley Whiplash is back in action!"
Spike: "Oh hey there Junebug!"
Junebug: "Hey Spike."
Spike: "Fear me, puny fool, for I am Spikely Whiplash, Birthday Boy!"
Junebug: "Ooh! Happy birthday then!"
Spike: "By Sacred Birthday Laws, I, Spikely Whiplash, demand tribute!"
Junebug: "Ohh... I'm sorry, I don't really have anything..."
Spike: "How about those flowers I'd have little use for?"
Junebug: "Huh?"
Spike: *gets magically dragged away*
Twilight: "I am SO SORRY about this. He's... not too clear on how birthday presents work."
Junebug: "Well, no harm done! Happy birthday, Spike!" *trots away*
Twilight: "Spike, what the Dream Valley?! What the Everfree Dream Valley Forest?! Demanding gifts?! Not cool, bro, not cool!"
Spike: "Um... Um, wow. I guess I did kinda get carried away there. Sorry about that. Guess I need to return these, huh?"
Twilight: "Yeah. But as long as you apologize, things should be fine." *trots away*
Spike: "..."
Spikely Whiplash: "Sucker! BWAHAHAHA! Who else has a present for Spikely Whiplash?!"


The next morning:
Twilight: "You know... given how I can keep myself busy all day with magical studies, bureaucratic work, friendship-related activities, the occasional action-packed adventure, and plain old OCD, I really wouldn't go far without my good night's sleep."
Twilight: "Which I DIDN'T GET MUCH OF last night, because SOMEBODY kept making noises! What were you up to..."
Twilight: *sees the big pile of tribute under which Spike is sleeping*
Twilight: "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU! This is some serious-"
Spike: *has hit a growth spurt*
Twilight: "Oh shit, we have plot!"

Spike: "What's happening to me?!"
Twilight: "That's what I'm trying to figure out!"
Twilight: "Spike, try to remain calm. Tell me if you remember anything unusual happening yesterday. Did you take candy from strangers?"
Spike: "I took candy from A LOT of strangers! Not just candy, either!"
Spike: *notices globe*
Spike: *grabs globe*
Spike: "THE WORLD WILL BE MINE! THE WORLD, AND ALL THE PRETTY THINGS WITHIN IT!"
Twilight: "...This sudden kleptomania of yours isn't really calming my nerves. Neither is your new teenage voice."

At the pediatrician:
Pediatrician Pony: "Say aaaaah."
Spike: "Huh? What for?"
Twilight: "Sigh... So we can figure out why you're currently in a form 90% less likely to be found cute by Rarity."
Spike: "AAAAAH!" *belches fire in doctor's face*
Pediatrician Pony: "Ah, yes. I think I see the problem."
Twilight: "Yes?"
Pediatrician Pony: "He's A DRAGON."
Twilight: "Uh..."
Pediatrician Pony: "And, being a dragon, he falls waaaaay outside my expertise."
Twilight: "But you're a pediatrician! You're supposed to deal with children!"
Pediatrician Pony: "Yeah, with foals. Reptile care would be the veterinarian's purview."
Twilight: "...This is making me all sorts of uncomfortable."

Veterinarian Pony: "Sorry, no idea what he's got. Honestly, I've never even seen a real dragon before."
Twilight: "For crying out loud - we're Equestria! World's center of knowledge and civilization! You're seriously telling me that we don't have any medical lore on dragons?!"
Veterinarian Pony: "Why would we? Most dragons avoid our borders like the plague. They don't want to end on a God-Queen's shit list, and eating ponies is a pretty quick way to earn a smiting."
Twilight: "Then I guess I will need to ask someone who does have draconic lore."

Zecora: "...and you came to me?"
Twilight: "Well, you zebras live outside of her Momjesty's domain, so I figure, you've probably had no choice but to deal with dragons on occasions, right?"
Zecora: "Sure, but why not ask your millennium-old divine mentor herself?"
Twilight: "Can't. He just grabs my letters and adds them to his hoard."
Zecora: *examines Spike*
Zecora: "Accelerated puberty. Not unheard of among dragons."
Twilight: "...Explain."
Zecora: "Dragons, in order to achieve their colossal adult size, practice an exceptionally omnivorous diet. Even so, their immense size, and the amounts of food it requires, force them to build up massive hoards of anything they can eat. Which is most things."
Zecora: "Because of that, dragons have a hoarding instinct that manifests as irrepressible kleptomania. Under normal circumstances, it lays dormant - such irresistible compulsions aren't a good survival instinct, after all - but if a dragon gets his claws on a lot of swag all at once, his instincts believe it's hoarding time, and the kleptomania begins."
Twilight: "Wait, wait, back up. You're telling me Spike is turning nutso because we gave him gifts?! That's... That's horribly twisted!"

Meanwhile, in Canterlot:
God-Queen Celestia: "...and that's why I always kept my gifts subtle."
Fancy Pants: "Fascinating, but... shouldn't you have informed your student of that?"
God-Queen Celestia: "You'd think so, wouldn't you? But, no. This problem would still occur eventually. Some things you only learn through experience..."

Twilight: "...That's horribly twisted!"
Zecora: "Welcome to the world."
Zecora: "Anyway, while the hoarding instincts are active, its glands believe this is the best possible time for a growth spurt. As long as the dragon can hoard more stuff, they'll be using innate magic to fuck the laws of conservation of mass. And the more he hoards, the stronger the hoarding instinct gets."
Twilight: "But... But he's living in Equestria, not some savage wasteland! He'll never run out of things to hoard!"
Zecora: "And yet, you're going to have to make him stop somehow, unless you want a monstrous dragon that gets completely lost in his bestial impulses."
Twilight: "...You know, I don't think I'll ever get over how you don't rhyme in these reviews."
Spike: *has left with all the contents of Zecora's shack*
Zecora: "...You're doomed."


Back to Ponyville!
"Cutie Mark Crusaders Dragon-Warriors!"
Spike, now the size of the mythical humans: "SPIKE WANT!"
Scootaloo: "You're not taking my scooter! I need it to scoot!"
Spike: "SPIKE SMASH PUNY STOOPIDS!"
Twilight: "Many of us may feel that way at times, but no!"
Twilight: *lures horse-sized Spike away*
Twilight: *locks Spike in library room*
Spike: *hoards books*
Spike: "KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! POWER BELONGS TO SPIKELY WHIPLASH!"
Twilight: "Mom-dammit Spike, I'd just re-shelved those books!"
Spike: "SPIKE SMASH!" *smashes wall*
Twilight: *sobs*
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: *sobs efficiently*

Applejack: "Twilight, do you have any idea where all the apples and leaves have gone from my orchard?"
Twilight: "Applejack! Quick! Spike's gone Godzilla and I need you to lasso him!"
Applejack: "Pfffffffthahahahaha! No, seriously."
Spike: *runs around with cargo of apples and leaves*
Applejack: "...Get me my rope."
Twilight and Applejack: *coordinated rope attack*
Twilight and Applejack: *epic fail*
Twilight and Applejack: *now tied to a tree*
Spike: "SPIKE MOCK PUNY PONIES!"
Twilight: "This day is full of fuck."
Applejack: "Great. All tied up. I have no idea how Dash and Fluttershy can find this entertaining."
Rainbow Dash: "Well, I... Wait, how did you even end up like that? And why isn't Twilight freeing you with her telekinesis anyway?"
Twilight: "Just untie us already!"

Twilight: "Fluttershy? What happened?"
Fluttershy: "Huge, gigantic, terrible, enormous, teeth-gnashing, sharp scale-having, horn-wearing, smoke-snoring, could-eat-a-pony-in-one-bite, mostly-grown-up DRAGON! Stole my chicken coop! Filled it with apples and stuff!

At the Sugar Cube Corner:
Pinkie Pie: *throws cake after cake at Spike*
Pinkie Pie: "Take that! And that! And that!"
Twilight: "Nooo! Stop giving him cake!"
Pinkie Pie: "I'm not giving him cake, I'm assaulting him with cake!" [/actual dialogue]
Spike: *ain't afraid of no Pie*
Pinkie Pie: "How dare you take the cake, you monster!"
Spike: "SPIKELY WHIPLASH ALWAYS TAKE THE CAKE, PUNY PINK PONY!"
Spike: *grows to Tyrannosaurus size*
Spike: *smashes through Sugar Cube Corner*
Pinkie Pie: "M-m-m-my Fortress of Sweetitude!"
Rainbow Dash: "Guess it wasn't much of a fortress."
Pinkie Pie: "LIFE HAS NO MEANING ANYMORE!"
Pinkie Pie: "WHERE'S THE JOKE?! WHERE'S THE PUNCHLINE?! WHERE'S THE BUCKING PUNCHLINE?!"
Twilight: "Egads! He's broken Pinkie Pie's mind! ...Such as it is!"

Rarity: "Let's see...This cape is almost perfect..."
Spike, now Godzilla-sized: *is there*
Rarity: "OF ALL THE WORST THINGS THAT COULD HAPPEN, THIS IS THE-"
Rarity: *gets abducted by Spike*


Mayor Mare: "Quick! Turn on the Mare Do-Well signal!"
Spike: *steals Mare Do-Well signal*
Spike: *steals container for water reservoir, using it to keep his hoard*
Water: *floods Ponyville*
Rarity: "I could be opening an art gallery in Canterlot, but noooooo..."
Rainbow Dash: "YOU! Put Rarity down RIGHT NOW!"
Fluttershy: "Please? Pretty please with powdered sugar on top?"
Rainbow Dash: "I'm talking to YOU, you bloated, pea-brained LIZARD!"
Fluttershy: "We would really be thankful if you cooperated. Please. I'm begging here."
Rainbow Dash: "NOW, or we'll rainbow nuke you IN THE FACE!"
Fluttershy: "If you don't mind, that is."
Spike: "BAH! SMASH PUNY GOOD COP BAD COP ROUTINE!"
Spike: *waves Rarity until Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash get caught in her cape and fall into the river*
Rarity: "MY FRIENDS!"
Rarity: "...MY CAPE!"
Rainbow Dash: "...God-Queen Celestia isn't paying us enough for this local hero job."
Fluttershy: "She doesn't pay us."
Rainbow Dash: "Wow she's good."

Suddenly! Up in the sky!
Rainbow Dash: "It's the Wonderbolts! We're saved!"
Wonderbolts: *formation attack*
Spike: "PONIES DARE HURT MIGHTY WHIPLASH! MIGHTY WHIPLASH TACTICAL RETREAT!"
Rainbow Dash: "Well, guess our problems are solved!"
Fluttershy: "You're sure about that?"
Rainbow Dash: "Hell yeah! The Wonderbolts are awesome! They can take on anything short of an apocalypse-class Elder Evil!"
Fluttershy: "Um..."
Rainbow Dash: "You don't sound convinced."
Fluttershy: "Well, uh, I don't want to upset anypony, but, um..."
Fluttershy: "...are they aware that they're fighting a dragon with actual combat skills?"
Fluttershy: "One who doesn't just rely on size?"
Fluttershy: "One who's fought against three diamond dogs over twice his size and did fairly well?"
Fluttershy: "One who's climbing up the mountain, turning his back to it so that they can only attack from the front, limiting the advantage their speed and maneuverability give them?"
Fluttershy: "One who just managed to ambush them with the city's water container and imprison them?"
Rainbow Dash: "Well, there's only one rational response to that:"
Rainbow Dash: "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-"

Spike: "I, WHIPLASH, KING!"
Rarity: "Oh shut up."
Spike: "?"
Rarity: "Destroying the town for the 23rd time this decade, terrorizing everyone, stealing all their possession, using me as a weapon against my own friends... Hardly something to be proud of! But I could at least understand that, since you're a dragon and all."
Rarity: "But destroying my cape?! That, beast, was a crime against fashion!"
Spike: "YADDA YADDA YADDA."
Spike: *notices heartstone collar*
Rarity: "Oh no! You can steal everything in town that's not bolted to the ground, and everything that is, but NOT THIS! THIS was a gift from my friend Spike, kindest, most altruistic of all dragonkind, and a selfish BRUTE such as yourself doesn't deserve it!"
He remembers.
He remembers giving her the gift.
He remembers her smile. Her happiness.
He remembers her kiss.
He is Spike, Exalt of the Audience. And he's better than this.
Spike: *returns to fun-sized proportions*
Spike: *...up in the air.*
Rarity: "Spike?! You're the rampaging dragon?!"
Spike: "Would you believe me if I said no?"
Rarity: "I'm too busy panicking over falling to our deaths to properly answer that, dear chap."
Spike: "Fair enough."
Rainbow Dash: "Let's save them!" *grabs Fluttershy*
Fluttershy: "Why me?!"
Rainbow Dash: "Because the Wonderbolts are unavailable, and you're the only pegasus to have ever outraced me!"
Spike, freefalling: "Rarity... Just in case we don't survive, I need to tell you: I've always had a-"
Rarity: "I know." *bittersweet smile* [/Harrison Ford.]
Spike: *bittersweet smile*
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy: *Pegasus rescue FTW!*

Wonderbolts: "...Not our finest day. But any fight you can walk out of..."


Spike: *contemplates the wrecked city*
Spike: "This... This isn't what I wanted."
Spike: "Framing owloysius? Scaring a few ponies? Running a licensing scheme? That's harmless fun. This? No, just, no. I've caused more damage than even the parasprites. I've wrecked everypony's homes. I acted like a monster."
Spike: "Twilight was right: This day is full of fuck. And so am I."
Rarity: "Really? That's not how I see it."
Rarity: "I, personally, would like to thank you, Spike."
Spike: "Thank me? Fooooor... what? Driving property values below zero?"
Rarity: "Spike, only you could have stopped that savage, brutal, monstrous... um, you from destroying everything. How many people - pony or dragon - do you think could have willed their way out of this kind of berserk state? You're my hero, Spike." *kisses him on the cheek*
Spike: "...And thus, suddenly, this day is retroactively full of gem sandwiches and baby kittens."


Spike: "Dear God-Queen Celestia, today I learned that it is better to give than to receive. Gift-giving charges material wealth with emotional wealth, thus greatly increasing overall value."
Spike: "I've also learned my friends look pretty good in capes, but hey, that's Rarity's genius at work for ya."
Spike: "Lastly, I've learned another, very important lesson: Never sell insurance to someone in Ponyville. I'd been wondering why City Hall insisted on a municipal cover policy..."

 

[woweed]

There are certain common themes to "upper class" regardless of the exact sociological details.
It's not clear to what extent titled nobility really exists in Equestria - if Blueblood has any actual position of power we've never seen it in the show - but people in power (be it from money or another source) tend to form a somewhat isolated clique in almost any society.

Click to shrink...

I like to believe Fancy Pants is in Parliament.

 

[sun tzu]

I like to believe Fancy Pants is in Parliament.

Click to shrink...

I can certainly believe that he either holds a key elected position, or is a high-ranking member of the civil service.

 

[woweed]

I can certainly believe that he either holds a key elected position, or is a high-ranking member of the civil service.

Click to shrink...

Personal headcanon: Sometime after Discord's attack in Season 2, FP actually becomes Prime Minister. His party is often mocked as being merely following the lead of Celestia, but, with how beloved Celestia is, well, why wouldn't they? Though his party has always been socially liberal, Fancy Pants is both loved and controversial for being very vocally in favor of greater rights for non-pony citizens.

 

[Arawn_Emrys]

I can certainly believe that he either holds a key elected position, or is a high-ranking member of the civil service.

Click to shrink...

There is, oddly enough, a rather well regarded series of fanfiction centering on the Equestrian Civil Service

 

[sun tzu]

Santa Christ: "You're sure you don't want me to branch into Equestria? It wouldn't be a problem, really."
God-Queen Celestia: "My friend, you and I both know how pressed for time your operation already is. Any time you'd devote to expanding over here is time that couldn't be spent to expanding into Apokolyps."
Santa Christ: "That Grogar fellow makes it harder to deliver coal every year."
God-Queen Celestia: "Beside, as it stands at the moment, Equestria is doing fine. I've managed to put together some equivalent local traditions. We're not hurting for lack of Christmas, believe me."
Santa Christ: "Very well. We're still meeting at Aslan's place next time?"
God-Queen Celestia: "You bring the go board, I'll bring the milk and cookies."



HEARTH'S WARMING EVE



Magitech marches one! Behold the new Trans-Equestrian Express, now no longer requiring biological horsepower!
Twilight: "Oooh, this is going to be awesome! You girls are going to love Canterlot during the holiday season!"
Fluttershy: "I'm so excited I could shout!" *screams like a maddened, hysterical carp*
Rarity: "I do hope I look festive enough!"
Applejack: "...Rarity, ya have the top of a tree on yer head."
Rarity: "..."
Applejack: "Why?"
Rarity: "Eh-heh-heh. I might have gotten slightly carried away with foalhood memories of Hearth's Warming Eve."

Canterlot!
Twilight: "I love Canterlot at this time of the year!"
Applejack: "Ah hear ya! Everywhere ah look, there's somethin' for tha holiday!"
Twilight: "It's not all wine and roses, though. Ever heard of the War on Hearth's Warming Eve?"
Applejack: "Nah, what's that?"
Twilight: "It's what we call the big snowball fights the foals always start on Hearth's Warming Eve. Watch out for stray snowballs."
Twilight: "Anyway, let's play Eye Spy! I spy with my little eye... SOMETHING STOOPID!"
Scootaloo: *made the mistake of licking a freezing pole*


At the Royal Theater:
Twilight: "I can't believe her Momjesty asked us to play the speaking parts in the Hearth's Warming Eve pageant! This is such an honor!"
Fluttershy: "Don't tell me! I can't go on stage again! I'm already getting traumatic flashbacks to my modelling career!"
Rarity: "Fluttershy, darling, you need not concern yourself. This is merely the traditional play retelling Equestria's founding myth. Ponies all over Equestria are putting on their own pageants."
Fluttershy: "Oh, so they'll be too busy to attend this one?"
Rarity: "No, what I mean is all the ponies in the audience except the younger foals will have seen it already. It'll be a group viewing experience for them anyway, so, even if you flub a few lines, it won't matter to the many-"
Fluttershy: "Eep."
Rarity: "-many-"
Fluttershy: "Eep!"
Rarity: "-many-"
Fluttershy: "EEP!"
Rarity: "-many ponies who will be watching us."
Fluttershy: "EEP!" *hides in a box*
Rarity: "Sigh... This is getting old."
Suddenly! Chilly wind!
Rarity: "Augh, my hair! Applejack, can you shut the window please?"
Applejack: "Sure, just-"
Rainbow Dash: "...And I, Rainbow Dash of Her Glorious Super-Duperness, would like to accept this academy award for gracing this quaint little play with my aura of awesomeness..."
Applejack: "Oh come on. Do we need ta break out tha Mare Do-Well costumes? This show ain't about you, ya know?"
Rainbow Dash: "Says you! I'm the star here! Ask anyone - Rainbow Dash is best pony!"
Applejack: "First of all, yer not, and it's subjective. Second of all, stop being meta."
Rarity, Twilight, Pinkie, Fluttershy: "SHUT THE WINDOW ALREADY YOU TWITS!"


Curtain roll!
Spike, narrator extraordinaire: "A long, long time ago, before the rule of Celestia, ponies did not know harmony. Instead, they were torn apart... BY HATRED!"
Crowd: "GASP!"
Sweetie Belle: "He said a bad word!"
Spike: "Yeah, I know. Sounds like a crazy fanfic."
Spike: "In the grim past of the pre-classical era, there was only strife! The earth ponies, the pegasi, and the unicorns all gathered into separate tribes, all despising the others. The pegasi controlled the weather, and extorted food from the earth ponies in exchange for it. So did the unicorns, in exchange for raising and lowering the sun."
Applebloom: "Wait, don't earth ponies grow most of tha food tha other ponies these days too? Don't pegasi still get paid for controlling the weather? What's the big difference?"
Spike: "They were very rude about it."
Applebloom: "Ohhhhhhhh."
Spike: "Alas, in this context, the three tribes all mistrusted each other. Until, one day, a terrible blizzard came..."

Earth ponies: "Augh! Being medieval peasants sucked enough without a sudden ice age destroying our crops!"
Pegasi: "Augh! What's the point of being a warrior culture when your enemy is an intangible famine?! No fair! No fair! Hax!"
Unicorns: "Our precious semblance of civilization! No!"

Spike, narrator extraordinaire: "And lo, these extraordinary circumstances forced all three tribes to assemble in an attempt to stave off extinction. Each tribe sent its supreme ruler..."
Rarity: "I, Princess Platinum, absolute monarch of the noble unicorns, am here to safeguard the interests of the Crown! ...And my people."
Rainbow Dash: "I, Commander Hurricane, She who sees Her enemies driven before Her and hears the lamentations of their husbands, shall crush all who dare threaten the might of the pegasi!"
Pinkie Pie: "I, Chancellor Pudd'nhead, will buck the flank of any derp who thinks they can smurf with the earth ponies!"
Commander Hurricane: "Enough with the introductions! My warriors need their rations! We demand that the wingless dirt ponies release the food stocks they've been hoarding!"
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "Dream on! If you featherbrains wanted to have food this year, you shouldn't have made if snow like crazy!"
Commander Hurricane: "I've said it once, I've said it twice, I've said it a million times: WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS ICE AGE! This is obviously the narwhals's doing!"
Princess Platinum: "I beg your pardon! Us noble unicorns would never stoop so low! Furthermore, unlike you inferior races, we possess the mental acuity to understand the consequences of this sudden drop in temperatures! Do we strike you as suicidal sorts? Neigh, I tell thee!"
Commander Hurricane: "Are you insinuating something about pegasus intelligence?! Our military strategies are second to none!"
Princess Platinum: "It doesn't take a tactical genius to win battles when you possess a quasi-monopoly on flight, you ruffians!"
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "What we need is a giant catapult."
Commander Hurricane: "Ruffians?! At least we get shit done! All you do is 'culture this' and 'civilization that'! Like art or knowledge have ever done anyone any good! If you know enough to make armor, you're set for life!"
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "A really, really big catapult. Then we make a big fire."
Princess Platinum: "I will hear no such criticism from you Spartan lowlifes! Our civilization is the way of the future! Generations from now, after unicorns have ascended as the rightful rulers of the surface, the heavens, and the Underdark, your descendants will look in awe and worship upon their horned emperors, knowing that they have been conquered through our culture, rather than brute strength!"
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "Then we use the giant catapult to send the giant fire into the sky. With some glue, to make it stick to the sky."
Commander Hurricane: "Ha! In your dreams! Power flows from the barrel of a gun, and-"
Rarity: "Anachronism much?"
Rainbow Dash: "Oh hush you."
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "Then the giant fire in the sky will be like a second sun, and keep us warm enough to grow crops! Genius! I'm a fudging GENIUS!"
Princess Platinum: "Well, I have had enough of these fruitless, barbaric talks! You inferior races are clearly a waste of my royal time!"
Commander Hurricane: "And I've heard more than enough from you, you... you civilians!"
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "Well, if you freaks aren't interested in building my catapult, I'll just have the earth ponies do it alone!"
Meanwhile, in the skies:
[To the tune and 99% of the lyrics of Freeze Machine from "Care Bears Battle the Freeze Machine":]
We're gonna put the freeze on feelings
We're gonna pack your cares in ice (how nice!)
We're gonna chill the whole caboodle
With our heartless spell contraption device!
We're gonna start the ice age turning
And turn the world an icy blue (yahoo!)
We're gonna put the freeze on feelings
Thanks to you! Thanks to you!

Thanks to you we'll freeze the population!
Put them into deepest hibernation!
Thanks to you there's no more caring! No more loving! No more sharing!
This will be our very darkest day (hooray!)

We're gonna numb those fuzzy-wuzzies
And all their little kiddies too!
We're gonna put the freeze on feelings
Thank to you! Thank to you! Thanks to youuuuuuuu!"


Spike, narrator extraordinaire: "And so, the summit ended in an epic fail, due to all three leaders being irrational morons. And as they returned to their people, things only got worse..."

Commander Hurricane: "Attent-tion! Private Posey, report at once!"
Fluttershy: "Um, sir, I'm Private Pansy. I bear no relation whatsoever to any pony named Posey, nosiree."
Commander Hurricane: "Whatever! Point is, talking to the civilians proved predictably useless, so it's time for us military to solve the problems, as always: We're gonna scout outside our borders, and fine a lush new land to conquer!"
Private Pansy: "Um, sir, is this really the wisest course of actions?"
Commander Hurricane: "Drop and give me fifty."

Princess Platinum: "Clover the Clever! I have had all I can take, and I can take no more!"
Twilight Sparkle: "I, Clover the Clever, take this to mean that the summit went poorly?"
Princess Platinum: "To put it mildly! I actually had to talk to, to... to pegasi and earth ponies!"
Clover the Clever: "That would be how a tri-tribe summit works, yes."
Princess Platinum: "An utter waste of time and dignity. We unicorns are majestic creatures! We should not have to suffer such barbaric presence! Verily, I believe it is time for us to abandon this forsaken land, and found our own nation!"
Clover the Clever: "Without the pegasi and earth ponies? Does that mean we're going to till the soil ourselves?"
Princess Platinum: "I'm confident any native creatures will worship us as gods and feed us."
Clover the Clever: "But of course. And while we're at it, will your majesty be requiring pixie dust on her lunch?"
Princess Platinum: "Oooh, that sounds lovely!"
Clover the Clever: "That was sarcasm, your majesty."
Princess Platinum: "Then it needs work. Pixie dust doesn't sound so unrealistic when we're already magical unicorns."
Clover the Clever: "No, I meant it was sarcasm because there's nothing left for lunch."

Applejack: "Ah, your chancellorship, we have a door."
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "Don't be silly, Smart Cookie. Going through the chimney during snowy times is tradition!"
Smart Cookie: "Since when?"
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "Since I said so! What's the point of being a politician if you can't make your own traditions?"
Smart Cookie: *bangs head against wall*
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "Anyway! Get all the engineers - we're gonna design a giant catapult and fling a huge fire into the sky!"
Smart Cookie: "It's too cold to make any outdoor fire, your chancellorship. And I can't believe that's the first objection I found to this plan."
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "Plan B, then! We'll find some warmer land and start our agriculture from scratch there! No more pegasus overlords, no more snooty unis!"
Smart Cookie: "No more sky patrols driving away flying predators, no more unicorn magic to handle any form of precision-based craftsmanship..."
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "See, this is why I'm in charge and you're not: I can tell the glass is half-full! Now come - it's time for the earth ponies to go it alone!"
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "Why do they always have to tell me I'm wrong?
Why do they make me feel I just don't belong?
If they don't like the way I sing my own song
I'll go it alone, I'll go it alone!"
Applejack: "Wrong story, Pinkie."

Private Pansy: "Um, commander, not questioning your authority or anything, but..."
Commander Hurricane: "I'd rather hope not, private!"
Private Pansy: "...but, um, what if the new land we find is already inhabited? Do we just keep searching, or..."
Commander Hurricane: "Hell no! We conquer!"
Private Pansy: "C-conquer, sir?"
Commander Hurricane: "Of course! We're well-trained, uber-militaristic, killing machines! We're invincible!"
Private Pansy: "...We've lost to the Sacred Band of Thebes. Twice."
Commander Hurricane: "That doesn't count! Those dirty cheaters were using the Power of Love!"

Princess Platinum: "Five minutes?! We've been searching for five minutes, and we still haven't found a new land?! Of all the worst things that could happen, this is the WORST! POSSIBLE! THING!"
Clover the Clever: "Perhaps there was a basis to the concerns about inbreeding's influence on the royal family."

Smart Cookie: "With all due respect, your chancellorness, we're walking in circles."
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "Bah! Chancelloric science sneers at your standard perception of the universe! You know why I'm in charge? You know why I'm chancellor?"
Smart Cookie: "'cause you were the compromise candidate no-one thought would be smart enough to grab too much power?"


Spike, narrator extraordinaire: "And so, after many trials and tribulations, the expeditions finally found a new and pristine land! No pony had seen Paradise Estate before!"
Spike: "Paradise. I meant Paradise. No Estate."

Commander Hurricane: "Wide open plains, mountains for mining metals, large amounts of foodstuffs... It's perfect!"
Private Pansy: "I can see my future house from here!" [/actual dialog]
Commander Hurricane: "...On the ground?"
Private Pansy: "Um... no sir."
Commander Hurricane: "Then in the name of the pegasus tribe, I claim this land - Pegasopolis!"

Princess Platinum: "My goodness! This is a gem mine motherload! This land is perfect! I dub it Unicornia!"
Spike, narrator extraordinaire: "Wait, a realm called 'Unicornia' ruled a by a moronic princess Rarity? Head... hurts... sudden... flashback..."

Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "The air! The trees! The dirt! This place is perfect!"
Smart Cookie: "And more importantly, fertile."
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "I dub this land, Dirtsville!"
Smart Cookie: "Ah... Lacks dignity."
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "I dub this land, Earth!"
Smart Cookie: "That's the name of the mythical land beyond the rainbow, your chancellorhood."
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "Hey, who's to say we didn't cross any rainbow on the way?"
Smart Cookie: "Sigh... Whatever. Anyway, we..."
Commander Hurricane: "Hold your workhorses What are you doing here in Pegasopolis?!"
Princess Platinum: "You barbarians are trespassing in Unicornia!"
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "Get off my Earth!"
Commander Hurricane: "Enough! You wingless bugs may have polluted one land with your impure blood, but not two! This time, if you want this land, we'll spill your blood all over it!"
Private Pansy: "Um, sir, I think that metaphor didn't really work for..."
Princess Platinum: "How barbaric! Clover the Clever, throw them in the dungeon!"
Clover the Clever: "What dungeon?! You're nuts! We need to calm down and solve this like civilized equines!"
Smart Cookie: "I've just spent an entire trip with Chancellor Pudd'nhead. This is the first sane-sounding thing I've heard in longer than I can remember. I support the 'calm down' motion."
Private Pansy: "I vote for calm."
Commander Hurricane: "Vote? Vote?! That's Athenian talk! I'll have you court-martialed, you traitorous pansy! As for this land, we will be taking it on the battlefield!"
Commander Hurricane: "Wait. Why is it snowing all of a sudden?"
Commander Hurricane: "Oh no. Oh no no no no no. Not again."
Meanwhile, in the sky:
[To the tune and basically the lyrics of "Secret of Survival in a Very Nasty World":]
"First you see us, then you don't.
Now you hear us, now you won't.
It's our secret of survival in a very nasty world!
Now you feel us, now you can't.
Are we real? Perhaps we aren't!
It's our secret of survival in a very nasty world!
It's our secret of survival in a very nasty world!
Nastier than you could ever dream of!
From up above!
And from beneath.
Eyes and jaws!
Claws and teeth!
Ready to attack you, you're a snack, you'd better run!
Don't come walking in the wild lands if they've ain't invented guns!
Every creature, for survival, has to look out for itself;
Got no nannies here, or grannies, dear, too look out for your health!
You live in OUR world, so do take our word:
We are gonna be the end of everything that you hold dear!
First you feel us, now you don't.
Now you hear us, now you won't.
It's our secret of survival in a very nasty world.
Now you feel us, now you can't.
Are we real? Perhaps we aren't.
It's our secret of survival, it's our secret of survival
It's our secret of survival in a very nasty world. "

Spike, narrator extraordinaire: "And so, as soon as the ponies found that land, they lost it! Instead of beautiful, it was blizzardy! Instead of fertile, it was freeze-tile! Instead of spectacular, it was snow-tacular! Instead of paradisaical, it was absolute zero-aical! Please stop throwing stuff at me!"
Spike, narrator extraordinaire: "Anyway, with the cold spreading, they had no choice but to hole up in a cave..."

Princess Platinum: "Hmph. Commander Murder McKill, you would be advised to remain on the animals' side of the cave."
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "If Earth ponies had the powers of pegasi and unicorns, we could get rid of the other tribes..."
Commander Hurricane: "You're the one trespassing on Pegasopolis territory!"
Commander Hurricane: "...Private Pansy? At the first opportunity, look into ways to have my name legally changed to Murder McKill."
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "...and to take their powers, we'd need to eat their flesh! But meat is gross. So we'll eat plants that have been fertilized with their flesh instead! Genius!"
Commander Hurricane: "And just to make it clear for you:" *traces "border" within cave's soil*
Other pony races: *do the same*
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "...but first we need to turn them into fertilizer. For that, we'll need some blunt heavy object to apply to them with sufficient force..."
Commander Hurricane: "Hey! Don't trace our border behind that rock, private! I'm not giving the enemy an inch of territory!"
Princess Platinum: "This rock belongs to Unicornia!"
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "Oooh, my blunt, heavy rock! I've been looking all over for that!"
Commander Hurricane: "Give that back, you thief!"
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "Finders keepers, losers fertilizer!"
Clover the Clever: "You know, I've seen you fight over land, honor, food, survival, or authority. Now? You've got a rock."
Clover the Clever: "No, really, stop to think about how sad this is: You're fighting over a rock. A freaking rock. Not even a precious or useful rock, just a goddamn rock. This leads me to the inescapable conclusion:"
Clover the Clever: "I'm surrounded by idiots."
Clover the Clever: "And, perhaps more importantly..."
Clover the Clever: "...The ice is spreading at an alarming rate. It's already sealed the entrance."
Everypony: "Oh fuck."
Princess Platinum: "My sole consolation in this matter..."
Commander Hurricane: "...is knowing that you sub-equine scum..."
Chancellor Pudd'nhead: "...shall join me in frozen death!"
Three dumb leaders: "I SPIT MY LAST BREATH AT THEE!" *get frozen solid*
Private Pansy: "Oh my gosh!"
Smart Cookie: "Not good."
Clover the Clever: "Sub-optimal."
Ice: *advances relentlessly*
"DOOM! DOOM BE UPON YE!"
Smart Cookie: "What the buck? What are these monsters?!"
Clover the Clever: "Oh no. I've heard of them. Star-Swirl the Bearded spoke of them. They are... WENDIGOS!"
Smart Cookie: "Windy-gos?"
Clover the Clever: "You and that weird accent of yours."
Clover the Clever: "Wendigos. Ithaquas, the Wind-Walkers. They're demons - cold and hatred given physical incarnation. They feed upon conflict, strife, and anger - and excrete cold."
Wendigos: "DAMN STRAIGHT. ALSO, DAMNED. AS IN, WHAT YOU ARE."
Smart Cookie: "...So that's what's been going on. The blizzard, the ice age... The wendigos were feeding on the hatred between the three tribes. They froze our homeland, and now, they're going to freeze this place too."
Wendigos: "YOUR MORTAL SOULS ARE AN ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET."
Clover the Clever: "And now, our bodies will become as cold as our hearts. Always knew irony would be what got me in the end. Well, irony and hatred."
Wendigos: "LOVECRAFTIAN ELDER EVILS FTW."
Private Pansy: "Well... for the record, I don't hate you."
Wendigos: "WHAT?"
Private Pansy: "In fact, I hate my boss way more than I hate any earth pony or unicorn. I mean, you've never told me to do fifty wings-ups, or beat someone up for not paying taxes, or to stop being nice to the helots."
Clover the Clever and Smart Cookie: *chuckle*
Wendigos: "OH NO NO NO NO NO. WE ARE NOT GOING THERE."
Private Pansy: "In fact, I don't hate the commander either. I just really really really really really really really really really really..."
Wendigos: "SHUT UP!"
Private Pansy: "...really really really dislike her. Which is a completely different thing."
Wendigos: "LIQUID NTIROEGEN! PEE LIQUID NITROGEN ON THEM!"
Ice: *slowly engulfs the ponies*
Smart Cookie: "Well, I don't hate you guys either."
Clover the Clever: "Neither do I!"
Wendigos: "OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU GUYS SO MUCH"
Ponies: *together in incoming death*
Smart Cookie: "No matter what our differences, we're all ponies."
Clover the Clever's magic: *activates*
Clover the Clever's magic: *I ain't afraid of no spirit!*
Clover the Clever's magic: *INCINERATES ELDER EVILS*
Wendigos: "IT HURTS! WHY DOES BEING BURNED TO DEATH HURT SO MUCH?!"
Wendigos: "WITH OUR DYING BREATH WE CURSE THEE! MAY YOUR MAIN AUDIENCE BE FAR OUTSIDE YOUR INTENDED DEMOGRAPHIC! MAY YOUR RACE SUFFER PSYCHOLOGICAL WEAKNESSES LIKE THE SOLAR EXALTED! MAY GENOCIDAL DISASTER AFTER GENOCIDAL DISASTER THREATEN YOU FOR CENTURIES TO COME!
Wendigos: *die*
Smart Cookie: "Holy molly! You unicorns can do that?! The pegasi wish they had this kind of firepower!"
Clover the Clever: "We can't do that! Well, usually! Something was different this time! I... I think it was you guys. My goodness, you realize what this means? We're going to have to rewrite half the treatises on sorcery! This is a capital discovery - apparently, Friendship Is Magic!"


Spike, narrator extraordinaire: "And so, for the rest of the night, the three hypercompetent sidekicks kept the fire of friendship alive - both figuratively and literally - by telling stories, and singing the songs that have become our modern winter carols. Safe in the knowledge that friendship was an Elder Evil-murdering WMD, they eventually managed to thaw out their leaders, and even their leaders' hearts. Contrary to some rumors, this did not involve repeated head traumas."
Spike, narrator extraordinaire: "Having come to their senses, the leaders - not wishing a repeat of the whole disastrous affair - agreed to share the land, and launch a massive pro-harmony initiative, creating the Equestria we live in today!"
Pinkie Pie: "And that's how I got my cutie mark!"
Applejack: "Ow, my brain!"
Twilight: "Forget it, 'Jack. It's Pinkie Pie."
Audience and actors: *sing*
[To the tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing":]
Hark! the herald ponies sing
"Let the Bell of Friendship ring
Peace on earth, and mercy mild
All ye ponies reconciled!"
Joyful, all ye nations rise
Join the magic, earth and skies
With your neighbors do declare:
"Peace is born of Love and Care!"
Hark! the herald ponies sing
"Let the Bell of Friendship ring!"

Honesty brings wisdom true
Laughter helps those who feel blue
Show kindness to all who come
Never to hatred succumb
Remain loyal as can be
Practice generosity
Remember, in each respect:
Flames of friendship do protect.
Hark! the herald ponies sing:
"Let the Bell of Friendship ring!"

Hail all harmony and peace!
Hail all forms of righteousness!
Light and life to all they bring
In our hearts they do take wing
With love fill the air we breath
So that none may freeze to death
With friendship and warmth for all
Equestria shall not fall.
Hark! the herald ponies sing:
"Let the Bell of Friendship ring!"

And so...
Twilight: "Wow! We really brought down the house, girls!"
Twilight: "...And not literally this time, too!"
Rarity: "Out of curiosity, Twilight... How much historical accuracy is there to this play?"
Twilight: "OK, imagine a bad fanfic..."
Rarity: "...Say no more."
Twilight: "Hey, it's a foundational myth. They mix-and-match a lot. Truth, simplification, exaggeration, allegory... But! If you want to know what really happened, I have several heavy books that..."
Rarity: "Ahem. This is totally not me trying to distract you, but what about the wendigos?"
Twilight: "Oh... Conjectures abound."
Twilight: "Some believe that they were sub-souls of the Ebon Dragon, unleashing misery upon the world with less finesse than their master."
Twilight: "Some claim that right before they showed up and essentially forced ponies to abandon racism and learn to live in harmony, the sun kept moving funny, like it was giggling."
Twilight: "Others yet claim they were just part of the apocalyptic environment of pre-classical Equestria, or Dream Valley, as it was called at the time."
Applejack: "I thought that was Nightmare Canyon?"
Twilight: "No, that was just a nickname."
Twilight: "And finally, others claim the wendigos never existed in the first place - that they are merely an allegory for how hatred and bigotry are inherently self-destructive."
Twilight: "But regardless, I feel so honored her Momjesty trusted us with this! She must feel that we represent the platonic ideal of the friendship that keeps Equestria alive!"
*sudden cold wind!*
Rarity: "Augh! Celestiadammit, Applejack, shut the windows already!"
Applejack: "That's supposed to be Rainbow Dash's job! She's the one with the wings!"
Rainbow Dash: "Why do I always get the high-altitude jobs? Twilight could do it with that telekinesis of hers!"
Twilight: "You were right next to the windows. You could have shut them in less effort than it took to complain about them."
Applejack: "The same applies to you, Twi!"
Pinkie Pie: "You're arguing! Does that mean we're arguing? OK, let's argue: Fluttershy, let's criticize Rarity over something. You follow auntie Pinkie's lead"
Fluttershy: "I'm a year older than you!"
"DOOM! DOOM BE UPON YE!"
"..."
Twilight: "That was probably one of the audio props they used for the pageant."
Rainbow Dash: "Right. Definitely. I'll, um, I'll be shutting the windows now. Just because."
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Yeah, her Momjesty totally chose us because of what good friends we are."

 

[The Froggy Ninja]

I mean, if anyone could release his first circle spawn to wreck havoc long after being condemned to an eternal and extremely painful twilight state between life and death, it'd be the Ebon Dragon.

 

[The Fourth Monado]

I mean, didn't Discord show up after there was some form of 'Equestria'? 🤔

Windigoes prolly are just what they look like on the surface - elemental spirits of winter/ice/snow that feed off of hate. Hell, we also know of Hurricanters, which are basically elemental spirits of storm that feed off of fear and terror. There's probably a bunch of different elemental 'tribes' that feed off of different emotions, and are tied to different elements or something.

 

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

SECRET OF MY EXCESS

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Anyone else wanted to give Spike a big hug at the end of this episode? Poor guy.

HEARTH'S WARMING EVE

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I do love this episode. As you said, there's so much damned wiggle room in the play. Very clever, there.