*shrugs* Different people get excited about different things (as the show occasionally reminds us). I suppose it meant something to Pinkie.
Where I Watch: My Little Pony
- Thread starter sun tzu
- Start date
- Fantasy
Zimmerwald1915
Revolutionary Defeatist
- Location
- Lake Wobegon
- Pronouns
- He/Him/His
As if the opportunity to take a road trip wasn't meaning enough.
Also, Apples to the Core has almost exactly the same melody as this, which tickles me enough to justify the episode all on its own.
Rainbow Falls
Fleetfoot: "Any progress?"
Soarin: "Nope. Still crying."
Spitfire: "WAAAAAAA!"
Fleetfoot: "Dammit, you know she's the world's saddest drunk! Why did you let her get this hammered?"
Soarin: "Because she can fire me if I tell her she's had enough?"
Fleetfoot: "Point."
Spitfire: "WHY?! AREN'T WE GOOD ENOUGH?! AREN'T WE FAST ENOUGH?! WHAT DID WE DO WRONG?!"
Soarin: "This is even worse than when she heard the Equestria Games were going to be held in the Crystal Empire instead of Cloudsdale."
Fleetfoot: "Boss, don't you think you're overreacting? Sure, it's technically a budget cut, but it's, like, the world's tiniest budget cut. We won't even notice it's there."
Spitfire: "The Wonderbolts aren't supposed to get budget cuts! We didn't get one under my predecessor! Or his predecessor! Or her predecessor! This is the first budget cut we've had in two hundred years!"
Soarin: "Funny how inflation works when you have plentiful gem mines."
Spitfire: "Clearly, my terrible leadership has disgraced the team! And the worst part is, we deserve it!"
Fleetfoot: "...How do you figure?"
Spitfire: "We're supposed to be the bucking Wonderbolts! The elite! And we've been totally useless these past few years! Equestria's had to deal with Night Mare Moon, the Ebon Dragon, the Unseelie, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, King Sombra, and more! And where were we the whole time? Nowhere useful, that's where!"
Spitfire: "Well, enough of this manure! We're going to regain Equestria's trust! We're gonna prove we're still relevant! We're gonna place first in every single event at the Equestria Games, wow everyone, and remind them all why the name 'Wonderbolt' used to inspire a sense of wonder!"
Soarin: "Hoo boy."
RAINBOW FALLS
Rainbow Dash: "All right, maggots, listen up!"
Steroid Pony: "What? Why would you call us that?" *cries*
Fluttershy: "Um, it's just a running gag."
Steroid Pony: "Oh. Proceed, then." *resumes kissing his muscles*
Fluttershy: "..."
Steroid Pony: "What? Kissing muscles is like talking to plants. It helps them grow!"
Rainbow Dash: "Ahem. As I was trying to exposit for the audience: The Equestria Games are coming, and it is our duty to my career - er, to Ponyville - to earn it honor and prestige! Now, unfortunately, the rules say that a pony can only participate in a single event, because something something wanting to display the strengths of each city as a whole, something something we're boring squares who don't want a single super-athlete to dominate every event."
Rainbow Dash: "So, I've tried to assign to each event ponies that could win it… which leaves only us three for the relay race. Qualifiers start in a few days, and we need to give one of the top four performances to qualify for the real event!"
Fluttershy: "Well, I don't want to let anypony down, so I really hope we win!"
Rainbow Dash: "Now, I realize it's going to be difficult for you to perform in front of a crowd of- Wait, what?"
Fluttershy: "Oh, yes! Rarity knows I have stage fright. That's why she gave me a feather that she says Twilight cast a spell on. She said it would make me invisible during the event!"
Rainbow Dash: "A magic feather- OK, yes, sure, that sounds absolutely true. Glad we got that out of the way."
Steroid Pony: "And in pursuit of our somewhat juvenile yet nonetheless stirring and emotionally fulfilling quest for municipal excellence, I give yea a hearty declaration of Y-"
Pinkie Pie: "GIMME A P! A P FOR PONYVILLE!"
Fluttershy: "...Maybe Rarity can give me a magic feather that'll make me deaf, too."
Rainbow Dash: "Right. Meet our cheerleader…"
Applejack: "...an' yer chef. Hope y'all appreciate 'em apple treats, 'cause it's tha most protein-filled apples can get!"
Rainbow Dash: "Which isn't all that much, but we'll take it."
Pinkie Pie: "A P FOR PROTEIN!"
Rainbow Dash: "Now, show me what you got!"
Fluttershy and Steroid Pony: *got nothing*
Pinkie Pie: "P IS FOR PATHETIC!"
Applejack: "What is it with ya today?"
Pinkie Pie: "I'm the pink prancing patissier pony Pinkie Pie! The letter 'P' means a lot to me!"
Rainbow Dash: "So… thanks for accompanying me to the qualifiers!"
Twilight: "Oh, it's no problem. I mean, it's not like I have any sort of job that would keep me otherwise engaged, except for librarian. Not that I am in any way bothered by my conspicuous lack of responsibilities nowadays."
Twilight: "And heck, even as Ponyville librarian, well… that makes me a government employee, and all of us are getting a couple extra days of unpaid vacation this year. Budget cuts across the board to finance the reconstruction of the Crystal Empire, you understand."
Twilight: "Anyway! Nice of you to, ah, join the team that most needed you?"
Rainbow Dash: "Nice, schmice. With my speed, we'll win no matter how slow the rest of the team is!"
Twilight: "Abouuuut that. Wasn't Steroid Pony at the Wonderbolt Academy? Isn't he supposed to be one of the best flyers in Ponyville, despite his wing atrophy?"
Rainbow Dash: "Yyyyeah, turns out that while the Wonderbolt Academy is more understanding, the regulations for the Equestria Games forbid the use of steroids. Even medicinal ones."
Twilight: "Ah, gotcha."
Pinkie Pie: "Atrophied wings or not, you're going to get the best cheers ever from us!"
Rarity: "As well as some carefully-designed uniforms, courtesy of yours truly."
Twilight: "Really? Sport uniforms wouldn't have sounded up your alley if I had to guess."
Rarity: "Oh, I designed them to look very frou-frou-ish and unsport-like."
Twilight: "...Whhhhhhy?"
Rarity: "Do you know how poisonous creatures wear bright colors, broadcasting to the world that they are so dangerous that do not need camouflage?"
Twilight: "Oh."
At the site:
"Oh my gosh it's Rainbow Dash!"
"I heard she lives in Ponyville! Willingly!"
"I heard she was there when some dragon killed King Sombra!"
"I heard she doesn't dye her mane! It's naturally that color!"
"I heard she actually knows Mare Do-Well!"
Rainbow Dash: "..."
"I heard she's a kickass flyer!"
Rainbow Dash: "Bucking finally."
Speaking of good flyers:
Wonderbolts: *drop the mic when they arrive!*
Soarin: "Hey Dash. Good to know we'll have some honest-to-Celestia competition here."
Spitfire: "Hey Dash. Saaaaay… You performed exceptionally well at the Academy, you can do a sonic rainboom, you've saved Equestria multiple times, and you're a celebrity in general, no?"
Rainbow Dash: "Er, yes? Why?"
Spitfire: "No reason, no reason."
Spitfire, whispering to her teammates: "I need to see if I can expedite her acceptance into the team. She's just what we need!"
Later:
Rainbow Dash: "Celestiadammit, Applejack, you're supposed to be our restaurateur, not anti-air artillery!"
Applejack: "Sorry about that. Looked like a good idea when tha Wonderbolts were usin' it ta save time."
Rainbow Dash: "And you flung food at a pegasus mid-flight without warning because...?
Appeljack: "Seed's sake, Dash, I thought maybe it was a pegasus athlete thing an' ya all were expectin' it!"
Rainbow Dash: "...It hurts me to say it, but maybe you shouldn't expect us to be like the Wonderbolts."
Fluttershy and Steroid Pony: *Are not like the Wonderbolts.*
Fluttershy and Steroid Pony: *At all.*
Twilight: "Rainbow Dash? You appear significantly less excited than when we first got here."
Rainbow Dash: "Well… It's occurring to me that, if my teammates take more time between the two of them to get to me than the time it takes for every other team to finish the relay, then it doesn't matter how fast I am - we'll finish in last place."
Rainbow Dash: "I can live with not being first. I'll cry myself to sleep for a month and spend weeks in therapy, but I'll live."
Rainbow Dash: "But being so bad we don't even qualify to compete? That's… That's worse."
Rainbow Dash: "All right, you two. The Wonderbolts are me-grade awesome, so I hope that by watching them, you might learn something."
Rainbow Dash: "Please learn something!" [/actual dialogue]
Fleetfoot: "C'mon, Soarin! You can do better than that!"
Spitfire: "Dammit. Cheerleader fetish distracting him again? He wasn't this bad last year!"
Fleetfoot: "He had a fillyfriend last year. Blue balls will drive ponies nuts."
Cheerleaders: *are distractingly sexy*
Soarin: *is sexily distracted*
Soarin: *is sexily distracted while performing dangerous aerobatics*
Soarin: *is going down in flames!*
Fleetfoot: "Er, is he actually about to crash, in which case we should save him…"
Spitfire: "...or just trying to impress the cheerleaders by 'almost' having an accident, like that time in Los Pegasus, in which case we should let him do his thing?"
Rainbow Dash: "I AM THE RAINBOW RESCUE BEAM!"
The Care Bears: "You're lucky we're too nice to sue for copyright infringement."
Soarin: "Thanks for saving my life. Again."
Soarin's wing: *was turned into modern art*
Soarin: "...Medic." *exeunt, pursued by the specter of a sports career dashed by injury*
Spitfire: "..."
Fleetfoot: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "Yikes. Losing a teammate at a time like this? Now that sucks."
Spitfire: *When misfortune…*
Fleetfoot: *...becomes opportunity!*
Spitfire: "Say, Miss My-Dream-Is-To-Be-A-Wonderbolt, who was born in Cloudsdale and thus could join us on a technicality... How would you feel about joining our team?"
Rainbow Dash: "Pony what."
Fleetfoot: "For practice until Soarin gets better, of course. The first hit is free!"
Rainbow Dash: "I can resist anything but temptation!"
*Rainbow Dash trains with Wonderbolts*
*Flying Higher plays*
*Rainbow Dash trains with Ponyville team*
*Yakety Sax plays*
Rainbow Dash: *is exhausted*
Twilight: "I take it that two-teaming is exhausting, isn't it?"
Rainbow Dash: "Hell and damnation! You know?"
Twilight: "I'm not an idiot, just frequently surrounded by them. And unlike the others, I'm not currently too busy to pay attention."
Rainbow Dash: "OK. OK. It's… It's not a big deal. I've had more time to look at the performances of the other teams, and by calculations, I can still get to squeeze by the qualifications."
Twilight: "OK, yes, but it still seems to me that the Ponyville team is the one that actually needs your help practicing."
Rainbow Dash: "...Have I mentioned that I hate losing? I can't take a whole week of this! I need a couple hours in the day where I feel like a winner! And I'll still fly for Ponyville during the actual qualifiers!"
Spitfire: "Yo, Rainbow Dash! We need you to not fly for Ponyville during the actual qualifiers!"
Rainbow Dash: "Pony what."
Fleetfoot: "Basically, Soarin won't recover in time for the qualifiers, so we'd like to have you on the team."
Spitfire: "Please do not see this as an attempt to accelerate your recruitment while ensuring the Wonderbolts get a perfect record at the games."
Fleetfoot: "Right, that would be silly."
Spitfire and Fleetfoot: *exeunt, pursued by specter of Shadowbolts*
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "The buck just happened?"
Twilight: "You got offered a choice between performing poorly at an athletic event, or letting all your Ponyville friends down."
Rainbow Dash: "But, but, but… But I'm letting ponies down ANYWAY! If I stick with my friends, then Cloudsdale suffers a defeat that's utterly humiliating for the home of the Wonderbolts! If I help the Wonderbolts, then everyone in my new home of Ponyville has worked for nothing!"
Rainbow Dash: "Loyalty conflict! DOES NOT COMPUTE!"
Rainbow Dash: "Quick, What Would God-Queen Celestia DO?!"
Rainbow Dash: "...No, too ambitious. What would you do?"
Twilight: "Yeah no. Don't try to outsource your conscience to me, Dash. Your choice, your responsibility."
The next day:
Rainbow Dash, in a wheelchair: "Oh, woe is me!" [/actual dialogue]
Fluttershy: "Goodness, what happened?"
Rainbow Dash: "Um… I slipped on an anvil, and then a banana peel fell on my head. It was terrible!"
Spitfire: "..."
Fleetfoot: "..."
Rarity: "..."
Applejack: "..."
Twilight: "..."
Applejack, whispering: "Should we call 'er out on bein' tha worst liar in tha world?"
Rarity, whispering: "Do you want to have this awkward conversation? Just frown and nod."
At the hospital:
Twilight: "So, the doc couldn't tell what was wrong about you (because he was too embarrassed to talk)."
Rainbow Dash: "Everything! I feel my veins cutting my bones into thin slices!"
Applejack, whispering: "Ah canna take that actin' anymore. It's too embarrassin' ta watch!"
Rarity, whispering: "Mercifully, the exit door is nearby."
Fluttershy: "Um, Dashie? We're SO sorry you got hurt, but we wanted to tell you not to worry about us! We got a replacement!"
Derpy Hooves: "Yay! I got picked last! Usually I don't get picked at all!"
Rainbow Dash: *looks at Derpy*
Rainbow Dash: *has visions of fire and destruction as the Equestria Games end apocalyptically*
Rainbow Dash: "I've made a huge mistake."
Other Ponies: *eventually leave*
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "You know, this? This whole thing? That's not choosing to let neither side down. That's choosing to let them both down, and be less great than you can be, to hide from a hard choice."
Twilight: "And I know for a fact that you can be braver than this." *departs*
Rainbow Dash: *is alone, bereft of companionship, an island of-*
Soarin: "Hey, roommie."
Rainbow Dash: "Soarin! Um, how's the wing?"
Soarin: "Fine, honestly. The doctors said that beyond some bruising, it'd be fine after two days of rest."
Rainbow Dash: "Pony what."
Soarin: "Gotta say, I'm impressed with your friends. Middle of a super-busy period where every minute of training counts, and they still take the time to visit you? I envy that."
Rainbow Dash: "Wait, nopony visited you?"
Soarin: "Well, the team's desperate to do perfectly. We've been under lots of pressure lately. So I only got one visit from Spitfire, who said they were trying to replace me with someone photogenic enough to reignite interest in the team."
Rainbow Dash: "...Which would be me."
Rainbow Dash: "So… I'm screwing over Ponyville because of conflicting loyalties and personal desires, Spitfire and Fleetfoot are screwing over a teammate out of loyalty to the team itself as opposed to its members, and Cloudsdale's getting screwed in general."
Rainbow Dash: "When did loyalty get so complicated?!"
Rainbow Dash: *tastes the rainbow*
Rainbow Dash: *epiphany*
Rainbow Dash: "Wait. It's not complicated at all."
Twilight: "No offense, but… I don't think your odds of passing the qualifiers are very high at this point."
Pinkie Pie: "Just great! What am I going to do with this mountain of pom-poms now?!"
Applejack: "What were ya gonna do with 'em in tha first place?" [/actual legitimate question]
Rainbow Dash: *up and at 'em, flanked by Soarin!*
Spitfire: "Um… does that mean you're," *performs best approximation of finger quotes hooves will allow* "feeling better now?"
Rainbow Dash: "Was never hurt in the first place?"
Spitfire: "And you admit it? Thank Celestia."
Rainbow Dash: "You knew I was bluffing?!"
Twilight: "EVERYONE knew you were bluffing!"
Fluttershy: "Um."
Twilight: "Oh, sorry. EVERYONE WITH A THREE-DIGIT IQ knew you were bluffing!"
Fluttershy: "Right."
Rainbow Dash: "OK, fine. I just didn't want to make a hard decision about which team to fly with."
Fluttershy: "Oh, Rainbow Dash. We're sorry if we made you feel bad about choosing between an important career move toward your lifelong dream and helping us with a sporting event that we'll have forgotten about a week after it ends. We're not going to be mad at you about flying for Cloudsdale. We're your friends, we're not gonna ask that you put us ahead of everything that matters to you."
Derpy: "Yeah, I mean, if that was the moral, it would be downright reta-"
Twilight: "Don't use ableist language, Derpy."
Derpy: "Whoops, sorry."
Rainbow Dash: "Thank you, Fluttershy. And yeah, when you stop to really think about it, the answer's obvious."
Spitfire: "Glad that's resolv-"
Rainbow Dash: "Obviously, I choose to fly with the Ponyville team."
Spitfire: "Pony what."
Rainbow Dash: "Not because Ponyville desperately needs the win or anything. It's about loyalty!"
Spitfire: "Um, hang on. You've lived most of your life in Cloudsdale. What about loyalty to your hometown?"
Rainbow Dash: "OK, see, here's the thing: Loyalty's a word that gets thrown around a lot. You should be loyal to your family, you should be loyal to your friends, you should be loyal to your country, you should be loyal to God-Queen Celestia, and so freaking on."
Rainbow Dash: "And people just assume that being loyal means being good, but no! If loyalty to you just means that you choose a group or a person, and then stick by them no matter what, that's… heck, that's almost morally neutral! Most of the Unseelie are completely loyal to Queen Chrysalis, and that was a bad thing, because she's a freaking monster! People with terrible families and horrible friends can still be loyal to them, even when they really shouldn't be!"
Rainbow Dash: "You wanna know what real loyalty is about? The sort that can activate rainbow deathrays? It's not about letting a group or a person call dibs on you for the rest of the life."
Rainbow Dash: "It's about being reliable. It's about the people around you knowing that they can count on you in a pinch. Because we all end up in a pinch every now and then, and then we need help, and we need to know that when that happens, that help will come! It's not about dibs, it's about doing right by people!"
Rainbow Dash: "And sometimes, doing what people ask you to do isn't doing right by them! Sometimes, your family, or your friends, or your country ask you do something wrong. And then, the loyal thing to do is to set them right, not enable their bullshit! ...God-Queen Celestia will always be right, though, but that should go without saying."
Rainbow Dash: "So, when you feel loyalties to competing things? Tough. You just need to decide which one is right, which one is more important!"
Spitfire: "Which, in this case, means…"
Rainbow Dash: "It means that the Ponyville team put a lot of heart into this, and that if I drop them, it's like saying their effort wasn't important! It means that you, meanwhile, got soooo hung up on doing right by your team, that you forgot to do right by the actual members of your team!"
Soarin: "I am a tad miffed about that."
Rainbow Dash: "I want to be a Wonderbolt because they're supposed to be AWESOME, but right now? Right now, you're doing all the wrong things, and I don't care if it was for the right reasons - it is NOT AWESOME. So, by my loyalty to my friends, AND my loyalty to Cloudsdale, I do declare: No way, Jose!"
Spitfire: "You…"
Spitfire: "...make a valid point, actually."
Rainbow Dash: "...Really? I was kind of giving a long-winded explanation of things I thought you needed to know."
Twilight: "It's called lecturing, Dash."
Rainbow Dash: "...Now I feel dirty."
Spitfire: "In all seriousness, Dash: I've said before that you were exactly what we needed. I'm starting to think… that I was right, but not quite in the way I thought."
Spitfire: "...Sorry about the optimizing bullshit, Soarin."
Soarin: "I'll live. Now what are you slowpokes waiting for?! There's training to get back to!"
Steroid Pony: "And to that call for action, moving us past our recent moral conflict and toward the emotionally-satisfying resolution, I can give no answer but a loud, hearty YEAH!"
Griphon Team, nearby: "Ponies. Freaking drama queens."
Some qualifiers with unsurprising results later:
Rainbow Dash: "I am unsurprised yet incredibly happy we (barely) qualified!"
Spitfire: "Speaking of quality…" *gives Rainbow Dash her Wonderbolt pin*
Rainbow Dash: "Pony what."
Spitfire: "I can get another one, but I want you to have this one. You know why?"
Rainbow Dash: "Pony what."
Spitfire: "Because the other day, you were more of a Wonderbolt than I was. You were loyal to the Wonderbolt ideals, when I was thinking of their perception."
Rainbow Dash: "Pony what."
Spitfire: "So, I want you to keep this… at least until the day you become a Wonderbolt officially, and get your own pin."
Rainbow Dash: "Pony what."
Spitfire: "Uh, Rainbow Dash? Are you OK?"
Rainbow Dash: "Pony what."
Fluttershy: "She'll be OK. Just give her a few minutes to reboot from that joy overload."
Rainbow Dash, on the journal: "I love winning. And I love being the Exalt of Loyalty. But it has to have meaning."
Rainbow Dash: "Winning while being a crappy pony? Loyalty as mindlessly following someone? That'd be freaking meaningless."
Rainbow Dash: "I'm loyal - meaning that, when the ponies who know me really need my help, they'll get the help they need."
But then, as cosmic forces align…
Wonderbolt Pin: *glows with rainbow light!*
Soarin: "Nope. Still crying."
Spitfire: "WAAAAAAA!"
Fleetfoot: "Dammit, you know she's the world's saddest drunk! Why did you let her get this hammered?"
Soarin: "Because she can fire me if I tell her she's had enough?"
Fleetfoot: "Point."
Spitfire: "WHY?! AREN'T WE GOOD ENOUGH?! AREN'T WE FAST ENOUGH?! WHAT DID WE DO WRONG?!"
Soarin: "This is even worse than when she heard the Equestria Games were going to be held in the Crystal Empire instead of Cloudsdale."
Fleetfoot: "Boss, don't you think you're overreacting? Sure, it's technically a budget cut, but it's, like, the world's tiniest budget cut. We won't even notice it's there."
Spitfire: "The Wonderbolts aren't supposed to get budget cuts! We didn't get one under my predecessor! Or his predecessor! Or her predecessor! This is the first budget cut we've had in two hundred years!"
Soarin: "Funny how inflation works when you have plentiful gem mines."
Spitfire: "Clearly, my terrible leadership has disgraced the team! And the worst part is, we deserve it!"
Fleetfoot: "...How do you figure?"
Spitfire: "We're supposed to be the bucking Wonderbolts! The elite! And we've been totally useless these past few years! Equestria's had to deal with Night Mare Moon, the Ebon Dragon, the Unseelie, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, King Sombra, and more! And where were we the whole time? Nowhere useful, that's where!"
Spitfire: "Well, enough of this manure! We're going to regain Equestria's trust! We're gonna prove we're still relevant! We're gonna place first in every single event at the Equestria Games, wow everyone, and remind them all why the name 'Wonderbolt' used to inspire a sense of wonder!"
Soarin: "Hoo boy."
RAINBOW FALLS
Rainbow Dash: "All right, maggots, listen up!"
Steroid Pony: "What? Why would you call us that?" *cries*
Fluttershy: "Um, it's just a running gag."
Steroid Pony: "Oh. Proceed, then." *resumes kissing his muscles*
Fluttershy: "..."
Steroid Pony: "What? Kissing muscles is like talking to plants. It helps them grow!"
Rainbow Dash: "Ahem. As I was trying to exposit for the audience: The Equestria Games are coming, and it is our duty to my career - er, to Ponyville - to earn it honor and prestige! Now, unfortunately, the rules say that a pony can only participate in a single event, because something something wanting to display the strengths of each city as a whole, something something we're boring squares who don't want a single super-athlete to dominate every event."
Rainbow Dash: "So, I've tried to assign to each event ponies that could win it… which leaves only us three for the relay race. Qualifiers start in a few days, and we need to give one of the top four performances to qualify for the real event!"
Fluttershy: "Well, I don't want to let anypony down, so I really hope we win!"
Rainbow Dash: "Now, I realize it's going to be difficult for you to perform in front of a crowd of- Wait, what?"
Fluttershy: "Oh, yes! Rarity knows I have stage fright. That's why she gave me a feather that she says Twilight cast a spell on. She said it would make me invisible during the event!"
Rainbow Dash: "A magic feather- OK, yes, sure, that sounds absolutely true. Glad we got that out of the way."
Steroid Pony: "And in pursuit of our somewhat juvenile yet nonetheless stirring and emotionally fulfilling quest for municipal excellence, I give yea a hearty declaration of Y-"
Pinkie Pie: "GIMME A P! A P FOR PONYVILLE!"
Fluttershy: "...Maybe Rarity can give me a magic feather that'll make me deaf, too."
Rainbow Dash: "Right. Meet our cheerleader…"
Applejack: "...an' yer chef. Hope y'all appreciate 'em apple treats, 'cause it's tha most protein-filled apples can get!"
Rainbow Dash: "Which isn't all that much, but we'll take it."
Pinkie Pie: "A P FOR PROTEIN!"
Rainbow Dash: "Now, show me what you got!"
Fluttershy and Steroid Pony: *got nothing*
Pinkie Pie: "P IS FOR PATHETIC!"
Applejack: "What is it with ya today?"
Pinkie Pie: "I'm the pink prancing patissier pony Pinkie Pie! The letter 'P' means a lot to me!"
Rainbow Dash: "So… thanks for accompanying me to the qualifiers!"
Twilight: "Oh, it's no problem. I mean, it's not like I have any sort of job that would keep me otherwise engaged, except for librarian. Not that I am in any way bothered by my conspicuous lack of responsibilities nowadays."
Twilight: "And heck, even as Ponyville librarian, well… that makes me a government employee, and all of us are getting a couple extra days of unpaid vacation this year. Budget cuts across the board to finance the reconstruction of the Crystal Empire, you understand."
Twilight: "Anyway! Nice of you to, ah, join the team that most needed you?"
Rainbow Dash: "Nice, schmice. With my speed, we'll win no matter how slow the rest of the team is!"
Twilight: "Abouuuut that. Wasn't Steroid Pony at the Wonderbolt Academy? Isn't he supposed to be one of the best flyers in Ponyville, despite his wing atrophy?"
Rainbow Dash: "Yyyyeah, turns out that while the Wonderbolt Academy is more understanding, the regulations for the Equestria Games forbid the use of steroids. Even medicinal ones."
Twilight: "Ah, gotcha."
Pinkie Pie: "Atrophied wings or not, you're going to get the best cheers ever from us!"
Rarity: "As well as some carefully-designed uniforms, courtesy of yours truly."
Twilight: "Really? Sport uniforms wouldn't have sounded up your alley if I had to guess."
Rarity: "Oh, I designed them to look very frou-frou-ish and unsport-like."
Twilight: "...Whhhhhhy?"
Rarity: "Do you know how poisonous creatures wear bright colors, broadcasting to the world that they are so dangerous that do not need camouflage?"
Twilight: "Oh."
At the site:
"Oh my gosh it's Rainbow Dash!"
"I heard she lives in Ponyville! Willingly!"
"I heard she was there when some dragon killed King Sombra!"
"I heard she doesn't dye her mane! It's naturally that color!"
"I heard she actually knows Mare Do-Well!"
Rainbow Dash: "..."
"I heard she's a kickass flyer!"
Rainbow Dash: "Bucking finally."
Speaking of good flyers:
Wonderbolts: *drop the mic when they arrive!*
Soarin: "Hey Dash. Good to know we'll have some honest-to-Celestia competition here."
Spitfire: "Hey Dash. Saaaaay… You performed exceptionally well at the Academy, you can do a sonic rainboom, you've saved Equestria multiple times, and you're a celebrity in general, no?"
Rainbow Dash: "Er, yes? Why?"
Spitfire: "No reason, no reason."
Spitfire, whispering to her teammates: "I need to see if I can expedite her acceptance into the team. She's just what we need!"
Later:
Rainbow Dash: "Celestiadammit, Applejack, you're supposed to be our restaurateur, not anti-air artillery!"
Applejack: "Sorry about that. Looked like a good idea when tha Wonderbolts were usin' it ta save time."
Rainbow Dash: "And you flung food at a pegasus mid-flight without warning because...?
Appeljack: "Seed's sake, Dash, I thought maybe it was a pegasus athlete thing an' ya all were expectin' it!"
Rainbow Dash: "...It hurts me to say it, but maybe you shouldn't expect us to be like the Wonderbolts."
Fluttershy and Steroid Pony: *Are not like the Wonderbolts.*
Fluttershy and Steroid Pony: *At all.*
Twilight: "Rainbow Dash? You appear significantly less excited than when we first got here."
Rainbow Dash: "Well… It's occurring to me that, if my teammates take more time between the two of them to get to me than the time it takes for every other team to finish the relay, then it doesn't matter how fast I am - we'll finish in last place."
Rainbow Dash: "I can live with not being first. I'll cry myself to sleep for a month and spend weeks in therapy, but I'll live."
Rainbow Dash: "But being so bad we don't even qualify to compete? That's… That's worse."
Rainbow Dash: "All right, you two. The Wonderbolts are me-grade awesome, so I hope that by watching them, you might learn something."
Rainbow Dash: "Please learn something!" [/actual dialogue]
Fleetfoot: "C'mon, Soarin! You can do better than that!"
Spitfire: "Dammit. Cheerleader fetish distracting him again? He wasn't this bad last year!"
Fleetfoot: "He had a fillyfriend last year. Blue balls will drive ponies nuts."
Cheerleaders: *are distractingly sexy*
Soarin: *is sexily distracted*
Soarin: *is sexily distracted while performing dangerous aerobatics*
Soarin: *is going down in flames!*
Fleetfoot: "Er, is he actually about to crash, in which case we should save him…"
Spitfire: "...or just trying to impress the cheerleaders by 'almost' having an accident, like that time in Los Pegasus, in which case we should let him do his thing?"
Rainbow Dash: "I AM THE RAINBOW RESCUE BEAM!"
The Care Bears: "You're lucky we're too nice to sue for copyright infringement."
Soarin: "Thanks for saving my life. Again."
Soarin's wing: *was turned into modern art*
Soarin: "...Medic." *exeunt, pursued by the specter of a sports career dashed by injury*
Spitfire: "..."
Fleetfoot: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "Yikes. Losing a teammate at a time like this? Now that sucks."
Spitfire: *When misfortune…*
Fleetfoot: *...becomes opportunity!*
Spitfire: "Say, Miss My-Dream-Is-To-Be-A-Wonderbolt, who was born in Cloudsdale and thus could join us on a technicality... How would you feel about joining our team?"
Rainbow Dash: "Pony what."
Fleetfoot: "For practice until Soarin gets better, of course. The first hit is free!"
Rainbow Dash: "I can resist anything but temptation!"
*Rainbow Dash trains with Wonderbolts*
*Flying Higher plays*
*Rainbow Dash trains with Ponyville team*
*Yakety Sax plays*
Rainbow Dash: *is exhausted*
Twilight: "I take it that two-teaming is exhausting, isn't it?"
Rainbow Dash: "Hell and damnation! You know?"
Twilight: "I'm not an idiot, just frequently surrounded by them. And unlike the others, I'm not currently too busy to pay attention."
Rainbow Dash: "OK. OK. It's… It's not a big deal. I've had more time to look at the performances of the other teams, and by calculations, I can still get to squeeze by the qualifications."
Twilight: "OK, yes, but it still seems to me that the Ponyville team is the one that actually needs your help practicing."
Rainbow Dash: "...Have I mentioned that I hate losing? I can't take a whole week of this! I need a couple hours in the day where I feel like a winner! And I'll still fly for Ponyville during the actual qualifiers!"
Spitfire: "Yo, Rainbow Dash! We need you to not fly for Ponyville during the actual qualifiers!"
Rainbow Dash: "Pony what."
Fleetfoot: "Basically, Soarin won't recover in time for the qualifiers, so we'd like to have you on the team."
Spitfire: "Please do not see this as an attempt to accelerate your recruitment while ensuring the Wonderbolts get a perfect record at the games."
Fleetfoot: "Right, that would be silly."
Spitfire and Fleetfoot: *exeunt, pursued by specter of Shadowbolts*
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "The buck just happened?"
Twilight: "You got offered a choice between performing poorly at an athletic event, or letting all your Ponyville friends down."
Rainbow Dash: "But, but, but… But I'm letting ponies down ANYWAY! If I stick with my friends, then Cloudsdale suffers a defeat that's utterly humiliating for the home of the Wonderbolts! If I help the Wonderbolts, then everyone in my new home of Ponyville has worked for nothing!"
Rainbow Dash: "Loyalty conflict! DOES NOT COMPUTE!"
Rainbow Dash: "Quick, What Would God-Queen Celestia DO?!"
Rainbow Dash: "...No, too ambitious. What would you do?"
Twilight: "Yeah no. Don't try to outsource your conscience to me, Dash. Your choice, your responsibility."
The next day:
Rainbow Dash, in a wheelchair: "Oh, woe is me!" [/actual dialogue]
Fluttershy: "Goodness, what happened?"
Rainbow Dash: "Um… I slipped on an anvil, and then a banana peel fell on my head. It was terrible!"
Spitfire: "..."
Fleetfoot: "..."
Rarity: "..."
Applejack: "..."
Twilight: "..."
Applejack, whispering: "Should we call 'er out on bein' tha worst liar in tha world?"
Rarity, whispering: "Do you want to have this awkward conversation? Just frown and nod."
At the hospital:
Twilight: "So, the doc couldn't tell what was wrong about you (because he was too embarrassed to talk)."
Rainbow Dash: "Everything! I feel my veins cutting my bones into thin slices!"
Applejack, whispering: "Ah canna take that actin' anymore. It's too embarrassin' ta watch!"
Rarity, whispering: "Mercifully, the exit door is nearby."
Fluttershy: "Um, Dashie? We're SO sorry you got hurt, but we wanted to tell you not to worry about us! We got a replacement!"
Derpy Hooves: "Yay! I got picked last! Usually I don't get picked at all!"
Rainbow Dash: *looks at Derpy*
Rainbow Dash: *has visions of fire and destruction as the Equestria Games end apocalyptically*
Rainbow Dash: "I've made a huge mistake."
Other Ponies: *eventually leave*
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "You know, this? This whole thing? That's not choosing to let neither side down. That's choosing to let them both down, and be less great than you can be, to hide from a hard choice."
Twilight: "And I know for a fact that you can be braver than this." *departs*
Rainbow Dash: *is alone, bereft of companionship, an island of-*
Soarin: "Hey, roommie."
Rainbow Dash: "Soarin! Um, how's the wing?"
Soarin: "Fine, honestly. The doctors said that beyond some bruising, it'd be fine after two days of rest."
Rainbow Dash: "Pony what."
Soarin: "Gotta say, I'm impressed with your friends. Middle of a super-busy period where every minute of training counts, and they still take the time to visit you? I envy that."
Rainbow Dash: "Wait, nopony visited you?"
Soarin: "Well, the team's desperate to do perfectly. We've been under lots of pressure lately. So I only got one visit from Spitfire, who said they were trying to replace me with someone photogenic enough to reignite interest in the team."
Rainbow Dash: "...Which would be me."
Rainbow Dash: "So… I'm screwing over Ponyville because of conflicting loyalties and personal desires, Spitfire and Fleetfoot are screwing over a teammate out of loyalty to the team itself as opposed to its members, and Cloudsdale's getting screwed in general."
Rainbow Dash: "When did loyalty get so complicated?!"
Rainbow Dash: *tastes the rainbow*
Rainbow Dash: *epiphany*
Rainbow Dash: "Wait. It's not complicated at all."
Twilight: "No offense, but… I don't think your odds of passing the qualifiers are very high at this point."
Pinkie Pie: "Just great! What am I going to do with this mountain of pom-poms now?!"
Applejack: "What were ya gonna do with 'em in tha first place?" [/actual legitimate question]
Rainbow Dash: *up and at 'em, flanked by Soarin!*
Spitfire: "Um… does that mean you're," *performs best approximation of finger quotes hooves will allow* "feeling better now?"
Rainbow Dash: "Was never hurt in the first place?"
Spitfire: "And you admit it? Thank Celestia."
Rainbow Dash: "You knew I was bluffing?!"
Twilight: "EVERYONE knew you were bluffing!"
Fluttershy: "Um."
Twilight: "Oh, sorry. EVERYONE WITH A THREE-DIGIT IQ knew you were bluffing!"
Fluttershy: "Right."
Rainbow Dash: "OK, fine. I just didn't want to make a hard decision about which team to fly with."
Fluttershy: "Oh, Rainbow Dash. We're sorry if we made you feel bad about choosing between an important career move toward your lifelong dream and helping us with a sporting event that we'll have forgotten about a week after it ends. We're not going to be mad at you about flying for Cloudsdale. We're your friends, we're not gonna ask that you put us ahead of everything that matters to you."
Derpy: "Yeah, I mean, if that was the moral, it would be downright reta-"
Twilight: "Don't use ableist language, Derpy."
Derpy: "Whoops, sorry."
Rainbow Dash: "Thank you, Fluttershy. And yeah, when you stop to really think about it, the answer's obvious."
Spitfire: "Glad that's resolv-"
Rainbow Dash: "Obviously, I choose to fly with the Ponyville team."
Spitfire: "Pony what."
Rainbow Dash: "Not because Ponyville desperately needs the win or anything. It's about loyalty!"
Spitfire: "Um, hang on. You've lived most of your life in Cloudsdale. What about loyalty to your hometown?"
Rainbow Dash: "OK, see, here's the thing: Loyalty's a word that gets thrown around a lot. You should be loyal to your family, you should be loyal to your friends, you should be loyal to your country, you should be loyal to God-Queen Celestia, and so freaking on."
Rainbow Dash: "And people just assume that being loyal means being good, but no! If loyalty to you just means that you choose a group or a person, and then stick by them no matter what, that's… heck, that's almost morally neutral! Most of the Unseelie are completely loyal to Queen Chrysalis, and that was a bad thing, because she's a freaking monster! People with terrible families and horrible friends can still be loyal to them, even when they really shouldn't be!"
Rainbow Dash: "You wanna know what real loyalty is about? The sort that can activate rainbow deathrays? It's not about letting a group or a person call dibs on you for the rest of the life."
Rainbow Dash: "It's about being reliable. It's about the people around you knowing that they can count on you in a pinch. Because we all end up in a pinch every now and then, and then we need help, and we need to know that when that happens, that help will come! It's not about dibs, it's about doing right by people!"
Rainbow Dash: "And sometimes, doing what people ask you to do isn't doing right by them! Sometimes, your family, or your friends, or your country ask you do something wrong. And then, the loyal thing to do is to set them right, not enable their bullshit! ...God-Queen Celestia will always be right, though, but that should go without saying."
Rainbow Dash: "So, when you feel loyalties to competing things? Tough. You just need to decide which one is right, which one is more important!"
Spitfire: "Which, in this case, means…"
Rainbow Dash: "It means that the Ponyville team put a lot of heart into this, and that if I drop them, it's like saying their effort wasn't important! It means that you, meanwhile, got soooo hung up on doing right by your team, that you forgot to do right by the actual members of your team!"
Soarin: "I am a tad miffed about that."
Rainbow Dash: "I want to be a Wonderbolt because they're supposed to be AWESOME, but right now? Right now, you're doing all the wrong things, and I don't care if it was for the right reasons - it is NOT AWESOME. So, by my loyalty to my friends, AND my loyalty to Cloudsdale, I do declare: No way, Jose!"
Spitfire: "You…"
Spitfire: "...make a valid point, actually."
Rainbow Dash: "...Really? I was kind of giving a long-winded explanation of things I thought you needed to know."
Twilight: "It's called lecturing, Dash."
Rainbow Dash: "...Now I feel dirty."
Spitfire: "In all seriousness, Dash: I've said before that you were exactly what we needed. I'm starting to think… that I was right, but not quite in the way I thought."
Spitfire: "...Sorry about the optimizing bullshit, Soarin."
Soarin: "I'll live. Now what are you slowpokes waiting for?! There's training to get back to!"
Steroid Pony: "And to that call for action, moving us past our recent moral conflict and toward the emotionally-satisfying resolution, I can give no answer but a loud, hearty YEAH!"
Griphon Team, nearby: "Ponies. Freaking drama queens."
Some qualifiers with unsurprising results later:
Rainbow Dash: "I am unsurprised yet incredibly happy we (barely) qualified!"
Spitfire: "Speaking of quality…" *gives Rainbow Dash her Wonderbolt pin*
Rainbow Dash: "Pony what."
Spitfire: "I can get another one, but I want you to have this one. You know why?"
Rainbow Dash: "Pony what."
Spitfire: "Because the other day, you were more of a Wonderbolt than I was. You were loyal to the Wonderbolt ideals, when I was thinking of their perception."
Rainbow Dash: "Pony what."
Spitfire: "So, I want you to keep this… at least until the day you become a Wonderbolt officially, and get your own pin."
Rainbow Dash: "Pony what."
Spitfire: "Uh, Rainbow Dash? Are you OK?"
Rainbow Dash: "Pony what."
Fluttershy: "She'll be OK. Just give her a few minutes to reboot from that joy overload."
Rainbow Dash, on the journal: "I love winning. And I love being the Exalt of Loyalty. But it has to have meaning."
Rainbow Dash: "Winning while being a crappy pony? Loyalty as mindlessly following someone? That'd be freaking meaningless."
Rainbow Dash: "I'm loyal - meaning that, when the ponies who know me really need my help, they'll get the help they need."
But then, as cosmic forces align…
Wonderbolt Pin: *glows with rainbow light!*
- Location
- New Hampshire
You're not main characters. In this show you might as well be background scenery.
Three's a Crowd
God-Queen Celestia: "Good morning, si… Sister, are you all right? You seem… dishevelled."
God-Queen Luna: "My night started with a visit from the Ebon Dragon."
God-Queen Celestia: "Oh dear. That bad?"
God-Queen Luna: "Oh, he only stayed for a minute, and for all his disrespect of personal space, it was bearable. The rest of the night, however, was awful."
God-Queen Luna: "And no wonder…"
God-Queen Luna: "...SEE WHAT I FOUND TAPED TO MY BACK!" *hands over paper sheet*
God-Queen Celestia: *reads paper sheet* "'Bury me alive'."
God-Queen Celestia: "Stealing twenty-year-old jokes from Garfield? The fiend."
God-Queen Luna: "It's been said before, but it bears repeating: The Ebon Dragon is a dick. Care to remind me why we didn't just leave him totally stoned?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Because, with the Rainbow Deathray being held by mortals who live dangerous lives, he was going to be freed eventually, with or without our input?"
God-Queen Luna: "Oh, right."
God-Queen Celestia: "And seeing as we have no other prison that could hold him, our options were either reform, or somehow finding a method of execution that would work on a reality-warping Yozi."
God-Queen Luna: "I realize ponies who live in glass castles ought not throw stones, but the execution option is tempting."
THREE'S A CROWD
Twilight: "WOHOO! SHE SAID YES!"
Spike: "Congratu- wait. I didn't even know you had a fillyfriend. Who are we talking about here?"
Twilight: "What? I'm talking about Cadence."
Spike: "Huh? I guess Captain Equestria is fine with polyamory…"
Twilight: "No, Spike, I mean she said yes to coming to spend a day here."
Spike: "OK, that makes sense, but why are you so excited about it?"
Twilight: "Are you kidding? I haven't had a chance to see Cadence since the last season finale, and that was so busy we barely had time to talk! And the last time before that was the start of season 3, and she was practically comatose for that!"
Twilight: "But now, she's coming for a whole day! Best news ever!"
Fluttershy: "Um, Twilight? I just received the best news ever."
Twilight: "I seriously doubt that. But do tell."
Fluttershy: "I've been invited by the Equine Society to observe and assist the loveliest creatures on Celestia's green earth - the breezies!"
Twilight: *shudder*
Fluttershy: "Um, Twilight? Are you OK?"
Twilight: "Fine, fine, just… the cold touch of G3. I'm sure it'll be fine. And while I wouldn't necessarily call this the best news ever, it-"
Pinkie Pie: *Stomps all over door, and Spike beneath it*
Spike: "I want out of this shoooow…"
Pinkie Pie: "Twilight! I just got a letter telling me about a sale for useless old junk! Best! News! Ever!"
Twilight: "...I am starting to consider the possibility that us Equestrians may be slightly prone to overreaction."
Fluttershy: "I'll see you all soon, everypony!" *departs via train*
Pinkie Pie: "FLUTTERSHY! I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!"
Pinkie Pie: "...That might sound like a typical Equestrian overreaction, but with my attention span, I figured it was actually worth reassuring you that I ooh wait I just saw something interesting!"
Twilight: "Comic relief aside, I'm really hoping this visit from Cadence turns out well. I mean… I've seen her a total of three times in recent years, and two out of three revolved around fighting some Elder Evil or something of the sort. I just want a nice, non-crisis opportunity to reconnect with an old friend who's actually a relative now, you know?"
Applejack: "An' seein' how yer tha Pony o'Plans, Ah assume ye've got this whole thang planned down ta tha smallest detail?"
Twilight: "As a matter of fact, yes! I'm grateful for the timing, with Cadence coming on the day of the Starswirl the Bearded expo! This'll be so much fun!"
Applejack: "Er, just checkin', Twi - ya sure this ain't one o'those times yer projectin' yer interests on other ponies?"
Twilight: "Oh, no, Cadence is actually a History buff. She loves this sort of thing."
Applejack: "OK, just checkin'."
Cadence: *arrives in goddamn crystal train!*
Cadence: *is flanked by Flash Sentry and Silent Otherguard*
Twilight's inner monologue: "Think unsexy thoughts, Twilight, even if he has a lot of similarities to the other Flash Sentry you still shouldn't project, plus he lives in the Crystal Empire and it'd be a long-distance relationship anyway…"
Cadence: "Greetings and salutations upon thee, God-Queen Twilight. Our royal personage is honored to - OK, I can't keep this up with a straight face. Great to see you again, Twilight."
Twilight: "Right back atcha, Sister-In-Law-Best-Friend-Forever."
Cadence: "Anyway, thanks for accompanying me, boys!"
Flash Sentry: "Always a pleasure, ma'am, though I'm not sure why you wanted us here. I mean, we have to get back to the Crystal Empire ASAP." *departs*
Cadence: "Oh, you know… just reminding someponies of their options."
Twilight: "...Hey."
Cadence: "Hey, Celestia sending you to Ponyville was what got you into friendship. I figured maybe bringing somepony to Ponyville would get-"
Twilight: "Aaaaaaand subject change. I have such plans for today!"
Twilight: "...Plans that will leave me a bit too busy to save the town from Elder Evils, encroaching megafauna, natural disasters, unnatural disasters, or the CMC. So…"
Applejack: "Don't worry, Twi - Ponyville be in good hooves while ya be reconnectin' with yer kin."
Twilight: "Much appreciated." *departs*
Rarity: "Well, I suppose we should double-check to make sure that nothing is-"
SUDDENLY SOMETHING!
Pinkie Pie: "Oooh… It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's-"
Rarity: "DOOOOOODGE!"
Piccolo: "I know, right?"
Suddenly something: *crashes down*
Suddenly something: *is the Ebon Dragon*
Rainbow Dash: "...The Ebon Dragon."
Ebon Dragon: "Yes."
Rainbow Dash: "You're in this episode."
Ebon Dragon: "Very true."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "...You know, I am suddenly reminded of my life-long dream of being loyal in Fillydelphia. I'll get right on it. See you next episode or whatever. Kthxbai!"
Ebon Dragon: "Oh, woe is me! The pain! The blue skin! A fainting couch! A fainting couch! A tiny horse for a fainting couch!"
Rarity: "I'm not letting you use my couch. I'd have to disinfect it, and that'd ruin the cushions."
Pinkie Pie: "Disinfect it? You think what he has is contagious?"
Rarity: "I fail to see how that is related."
Ebon Dragon: "So, cliff notes: I'm so terribly sick, and I came here so Twili- I mean, so Fluttershy could take care of me."
Applejack: "...Ya know, Ah remember ya bein' a skilled liar an' manipulator, but it's occurin' ta me now that yer manipulations were largely dependent on usin' magical mind-control."
Ebon Dragon: "Oh dear. It just occurred to me that today of all day Fluttershy is absent. Not that I may have had anything to do with it, of course."
*A couple days earlier*
Equine Society Director: "AAAAAAAAAAH! THE DEVIL! THE DEVIL! THE DEVIL IS IN MY OFFICE! AAAAAAAAAH!"
Ebon Dragon: "I'll leave if you send an invitation to my friend."
Equine Society Director: "Promise?"
Ebon Dragon: "No."
*Now*
Ebon Dragon: "Oh well. Good thing I still have you as my friends to take care of me."
Applejack: "Ah have nevah claimed ta be yer friend."
Pinkie Pie: "Actually, I've been looking forward to this!"
Rarity: "...You have?"
Pinkie Pie: "Sure! I mean, for all the bad blood, we're still both characters who have our sense of humor and general weirdness as central aspects of our identities, and I always thought having us interact more would have all sorts of potential for interesting character development and-"
Ebon Dragon: *distraction*
Pinkie Pie: "Hey! Who keeps throwing away these perfectly good distractions?!" *exeunt*
Ebon Dragon: "Oh well. I suppose you two will have to nurse me back to health."
Applejack: "...Buck mah life."
Ebon Dragon: "So, I guess you'll just need to be careful not to get infected yourselves."
Ebon Dragon: *infects them*
Ebon Dragon: "Oh dear. Who could possibly have seen this coming? I suppose Twilight and Cadence are my only hope now."
Ebon Dragon: "..."
Ebon Dragon: "..."
Ebon Dragon: "I wonder if I should have just appeared before Twilight directly and skipped this whole scene?"
Ebon Dragon: "...Nah."
At the Star-Swirl expo:
Cadence: "Goodness, is that the candle he stole to save Norna-Gest's life?"
Twilight: "Sure is! You can tell by the mismatched horns, the claw, the diabolical face…"
Twilight: "...Oh manure."
Ebon Dragon: "God-Queens… I come as the bearer of ill news. I have… the blue flu!"
Cadence: "...The blue flu? You mean, the term colloquially used to refer to people pretending to be ill when they're perfectly healthy so they can use their sick days?"
Ebon Dragon: "God-Queens… I come as the bearer of ill news. I have… Gremlin syndrome! The only known disease that can lay down a Yozi such as I!"
Twilight: "...It's one Exalted reference after another with you, isn't it."
Ebon Dragon: "Regrettably, I have already infected two of your friends. However, I am confident that you two are far too civic-minded to risk letting me spread it to the general public any further. Ah-choo."
Twilight: "Did you just say 'ah-choo'? Seriously?"
Cadence: "Have I mentioned that I'm thankful for force-fields? Because I'm thankful for force-fields."
Ebon Dragon: "Anyway, since I am clearly too sick to leave alone, clearly, as my friend, it falls upon you to take care of me."
Twilight: "I have never claimed to be your fr-"
Ebon Dragon: "And it's really fortunate that we're friends! I mean, with Fluttershy being busy elsewhere, who but a friend like you could remind me not to fall to my baser urges?"
Cadence: "Twilight? That's kind of an unhealthy twitch you're developing."
Twilight: "All right. You're in bed. Happy now?"
Ebon Dragon: "Certainly. But if I could make one itsy-bitsy teenie-weenie yellow polka dot request…"
[To the tune of Weird Al Yankovich's "Hardware Store":]
Never ever (ever)felt this ill and sick
Fever's so high (high), in the toilet I'm leaving bricks
I thought that I would go right out of my mind
Until I thought back to my friend
I thought, "hey, you know that god-queen
Right inside the oak bookstore? Well before you buy it
Well on the spot you're gonna see that mare
Before you meet your bitter end"
So now while I'm gasping for air (air)
While I'm too weak to comb my teeth or brush my hair
I am so relieved knowing that you will care
For my carcass till I die
So now while I'm vomiting teeth
And looking at the price range for my funeral wreath
'Cause any minute now I'll be six foot beneath
And we'll have to say good-bye
What I need, (right now) what I need (from you)
Before I must step into the light
I'm gonna (yes I'm) gonna, I'm a-gonna need some
Gonna need some (little) thing I'm gonna, really gonna need some
Gonna (need) I'm gonna need some (little) oh yes, I'm gonna need some
Little things!
I need allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters
Trash compactors, juice extractor, shower rods and water meters
Walkie-talkies, copper wires safety goggles, radial tires
BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers
Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters
Paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters
Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables
Hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles
Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication
Metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation
Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors
Tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors
Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers
Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers
Soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers
Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers
What I need, (right now) what I need (from you)
Before I must step into the light
I'm gonna (yes I'm) gonna, I'm a-gonna need some
Gonna need some (little) thing I'm gonna, really gonna need some
Gonna (need) I'm gonna need some (little) oh yes, I'm gonna need some
Little things!
Twilight: "...Why do I feel a sudden craving for a cheese sandwich?"
Cadence: "How did you even get Gremlin Syndrome?"
Ebon Dragon: "Autochton cooties?"
Twilight: "OK, my finite patience with Yozi bullshit is nearing its end. I'm going to look up some Solar Circle medical sorcery spell before I do something I regret."
Ebon Dragon: "Oh, well, if you're looking for a cure, there's this flower on the far end of Equestria. Back when I was ruling this reality, I mixed some of my blood with that flower - curious to see what'd happen, you know how that goes - and it's apparently still there. Using my non-contaminated blood, it should be trivial to make a serum for my condition."
Twilight: "OK let's go go go I want this stupid mess done already!"
Ebon Dragon: "...Did I mention that you'll probably need me on location, because the blood in the flower totally derives its power from the location it's been in? I'm not making this up, folks!"
Twilight: "Well, no-one ever lied while uttering that sentence." *eyeroll*
Cadence, pulling air chariot: "You know… I think I get why auntie always said he was kind of a dick."
Twilight: "Nooooo."
Ebon Dragon: "Well, the flower should be at the top of that hill."
Twilight: "OK. We're at the top. Swear to her momjesty, if he made up the existence of the flower…"
Cadance: "Um, Twilight?" *points up to tree*
Tree: *is giant flower*
Twilight: "...I may have rolled a natural 1 on that spot check."
Twilight and Cadance: *magically pull multi-ton plant out of the ground*
Twilight: "All right, now we just need to…"
Tatzlwurm: "REEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Twilight: "Obscure mythical monsters. Hate those guys."
EPIC BATTLE SEQUENCE!
Twilight: "Rule number one: Don't pick a fight with a god-queen!"
Cadence: "Rule number two: Don't pick a fight with TWO god-queens!"
Twilight: "Rule number three: GOTO rule number one!"
Tatzlwurm: *retreats*
Twilight: "OK, let's get this bullshit over and done wi-"
Ebon Dragon, healthy as fuck: "TOTAL SUCCESS! You passed the test, Twilight!"
Twilight: "THIS WHOLE STUPID THING WAS A TEST?!"
Ebon Dragon: "Of course! See, I was thinking to myself, hey, the friend of my friend is my friend, and Twilight is the friend of Fluttershy who is my friend, so logically, Twilight is my friend too…"
Twilight: "Wha- NO! Friendship is not a transitive property! You don't know enough about friendship to start making-"
Ebon Dragon: "But then I thought, what if Twilight is a bad friend for you? What if, now that she's become a god-queen, she started thinking she's too important for the little people, like omnipotent Yozis?"
Twilight: "No I don't! We already covered this in the season opener! Ebon Dragon, you know that! Ebon Dragon, you were there! Get some new material!"
Ebon Dragon: "And then I thought: Clearly, the solution is to test Twilight's friendship! I mean, this is what friends do to each other, isn't it? Test them!"
Twilight: "You are not God-Queen Celestia! You are not qualified to test me!"
Ebon Dragon: "Really, I have no idea why you're being such a sourpuss. What, is it because I kept you from diluting our friendship by spreading it to another pony? Because I ruined your special day, totally on accident? Wink wink nudge nudge?"
Twilight: "Friendship doesn't work like… I… aneurism… from sheer… r-"
Cadence: "Actually, I had a great day with you."
Ebon Dragon: "Total dick what."
Cadence: "I mean, you know what my life has been like since we beat King Sombra? I've been ruling a nation that's been away for a whole millennium! Catching them up to our era has been constant non-stop administrative work."
Cadence: "Going on epic quests and fighting high-level monsters? Complete and utter change of pace, and that's exactly what the doctor ordered. And I got to do it with my favorite sister, too!"
Cadence internal monologue: "Ham it up, Cadenza, the happier you look, the more frustrated he'll be, and the less likely he'll be to pull bullshit like this on you or Twilight again."
Twilight and Cadance: *sister hug!*
Ebon Dragon: "...Bah bumhug."
Tatzlwurm: "Revenge of the REEEEEEEEE!"
Ebon Dragon: "What in the mother of fuck is that?!"
Tatzlwurm: *poison breath!*
Tatzlwurm: *retreat*
Ebon Dragon: *direct hit!*
Ebon Dragon: "...Why didn't you protect me with your force-field?"
Cadence: "Because I didn't want to."
Twilight: "Dear Momjesty, today I learned that even the most chaotic day can be a great experience if you spend it with a good friend, and the dick who started it all gets his just desserts."
Ebon Dragon, sick: "Yaaay. Now please stop talking, it's causing the air to vibrate painfully."
Applejack: "Ah don' wanna say ya got what ya deserved…"
Rarity: "...because I called dibs on saying it. You got what you deserved, you dick."
Fluttershy: "Now, now. Enough rubbing it in his face, no matter how deserved. Just let me take care of the patient."
Ebon Dragon: "Much appreciated. But if I could make one itsy-bitsy teenie-weenie yellow polka dot request…"
Twilight: "Break into a song, and I'll break your bones."
God-Queen Luna: "You took a tatzlwurm."
God-Queen Celestia: "Yes."
God-Queen Luna: "Turned it into a carrier for Gremlin Syndrome."
God-Queen Celestia: "A weakened version."
God-Queen Luna: "And put in a tunnel under the flower the Ebon Dragon made."
God-Queen Celestia: "Correct."
God-Queen Luna: "...Why?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Well, just as a backup plan in case things went sour, I wanted to find a method of execution that would work on a reality-warping Yozi. You know, in case he ever returned and successfully took over the world."
God-Queen Luna: "...You created an anti-Ebon Dragon weapon and hid it in a place you knew he'd check up on sooner or later?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Goodness, no! I created a whole bunch of anti-Ebon Dragon weapons and hid them in places I knew he'd check up on sooner or later!"
God-Queen Luna: "..."
God-Queen Luna: "...I can live with this."
God-Queen Luna: "My night started with a visit from the Ebon Dragon."
God-Queen Celestia: "Oh dear. That bad?"
God-Queen Luna: "Oh, he only stayed for a minute, and for all his disrespect of personal space, it was bearable. The rest of the night, however, was awful."
God-Queen Luna: "And no wonder…"
God-Queen Luna: "...SEE WHAT I FOUND TAPED TO MY BACK!" *hands over paper sheet*
God-Queen Celestia: *reads paper sheet* "'Bury me alive'."
God-Queen Celestia: "Stealing twenty-year-old jokes from Garfield? The fiend."
God-Queen Luna: "It's been said before, but it bears repeating: The Ebon Dragon is a dick. Care to remind me why we didn't just leave him totally stoned?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Because, with the Rainbow Deathray being held by mortals who live dangerous lives, he was going to be freed eventually, with or without our input?"
God-Queen Luna: "Oh, right."
God-Queen Celestia: "And seeing as we have no other prison that could hold him, our options were either reform, or somehow finding a method of execution that would work on a reality-warping Yozi."
God-Queen Luna: "I realize ponies who live in glass castles ought not throw stones, but the execution option is tempting."
THREE'S A CROWD
Twilight: "WOHOO! SHE SAID YES!"
Spike: "Congratu- wait. I didn't even know you had a fillyfriend. Who are we talking about here?"
Twilight: "What? I'm talking about Cadence."
Spike: "Huh? I guess Captain Equestria is fine with polyamory…"
Twilight: "No, Spike, I mean she said yes to coming to spend a day here."
Spike: "OK, that makes sense, but why are you so excited about it?"
Twilight: "Are you kidding? I haven't had a chance to see Cadence since the last season finale, and that was so busy we barely had time to talk! And the last time before that was the start of season 3, and she was practically comatose for that!"
Twilight: "But now, she's coming for a whole day! Best news ever!"
Fluttershy: "Um, Twilight? I just received the best news ever."
Twilight: "I seriously doubt that. But do tell."
Fluttershy: "I've been invited by the Equine Society to observe and assist the loveliest creatures on Celestia's green earth - the breezies!"
Twilight: *shudder*
Fluttershy: "Um, Twilight? Are you OK?"
Twilight: "Fine, fine, just… the cold touch of G3. I'm sure it'll be fine. And while I wouldn't necessarily call this the best news ever, it-"
Pinkie Pie: *Stomps all over door, and Spike beneath it*
Spike: "I want out of this shoooow…"
Pinkie Pie: "Twilight! I just got a letter telling me about a sale for useless old junk! Best! News! Ever!"
Twilight: "...I am starting to consider the possibility that us Equestrians may be slightly prone to overreaction."
Fluttershy: "I'll see you all soon, everypony!" *departs via train*
Pinkie Pie: "FLUTTERSHY! I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!"
Pinkie Pie: "...That might sound like a typical Equestrian overreaction, but with my attention span, I figured it was actually worth reassuring you that I ooh wait I just saw something interesting!"
Twilight: "Comic relief aside, I'm really hoping this visit from Cadence turns out well. I mean… I've seen her a total of three times in recent years, and two out of three revolved around fighting some Elder Evil or something of the sort. I just want a nice, non-crisis opportunity to reconnect with an old friend who's actually a relative now, you know?"
Applejack: "An' seein' how yer tha Pony o'Plans, Ah assume ye've got this whole thang planned down ta tha smallest detail?"
Twilight: "As a matter of fact, yes! I'm grateful for the timing, with Cadence coming on the day of the Starswirl the Bearded expo! This'll be so much fun!"
Applejack: "Er, just checkin', Twi - ya sure this ain't one o'those times yer projectin' yer interests on other ponies?"
Twilight: "Oh, no, Cadence is actually a History buff. She loves this sort of thing."
Applejack: "OK, just checkin'."
Cadence: *arrives in goddamn crystal train!*
Cadence: *is flanked by Flash Sentry and Silent Otherguard*
Twilight's inner monologue: "Think unsexy thoughts, Twilight, even if he has a lot of similarities to the other Flash Sentry you still shouldn't project, plus he lives in the Crystal Empire and it'd be a long-distance relationship anyway…"
Cadence: "Greetings and salutations upon thee, God-Queen Twilight. Our royal personage is honored to - OK, I can't keep this up with a straight face. Great to see you again, Twilight."
Twilight: "Right back atcha, Sister-In-Law-Best-Friend-Forever."
Cadence: "Anyway, thanks for accompanying me, boys!"
Flash Sentry: "Always a pleasure, ma'am, though I'm not sure why you wanted us here. I mean, we have to get back to the Crystal Empire ASAP." *departs*
Cadence: "Oh, you know… just reminding someponies of their options."
Twilight: "...Hey."
Cadence: "Hey, Celestia sending you to Ponyville was what got you into friendship. I figured maybe bringing somepony to Ponyville would get-"
Twilight: "Aaaaaaand subject change. I have such plans for today!"
Twilight: "...Plans that will leave me a bit too busy to save the town from Elder Evils, encroaching megafauna, natural disasters, unnatural disasters, or the CMC. So…"
Applejack: "Don't worry, Twi - Ponyville be in good hooves while ya be reconnectin' with yer kin."
Twilight: "Much appreciated." *departs*
Rarity: "Well, I suppose we should double-check to make sure that nothing is-"
SUDDENLY SOMETHING!
Pinkie Pie: "Oooh… It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's-"
Rarity: "DOOOOOODGE!"
Piccolo: "I know, right?"
Suddenly something: *crashes down*
Suddenly something: *is the Ebon Dragon*
Rainbow Dash: "...The Ebon Dragon."
Ebon Dragon: "Yes."
Rainbow Dash: "You're in this episode."
Ebon Dragon: "Very true."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "...You know, I am suddenly reminded of my life-long dream of being loyal in Fillydelphia. I'll get right on it. See you next episode or whatever. Kthxbai!"
Ebon Dragon: "Oh, woe is me! The pain! The blue skin! A fainting couch! A fainting couch! A tiny horse for a fainting couch!"
Rarity: "I'm not letting you use my couch. I'd have to disinfect it, and that'd ruin the cushions."
Pinkie Pie: "Disinfect it? You think what he has is contagious?"
Rarity: "I fail to see how that is related."
Ebon Dragon: "So, cliff notes: I'm so terribly sick, and I came here so Twili- I mean, so Fluttershy could take care of me."
Applejack: "...Ya know, Ah remember ya bein' a skilled liar an' manipulator, but it's occurin' ta me now that yer manipulations were largely dependent on usin' magical mind-control."
Ebon Dragon: "Oh dear. It just occurred to me that today of all day Fluttershy is absent. Not that I may have had anything to do with it, of course."
*A couple days earlier*
Equine Society Director: "AAAAAAAAAAH! THE DEVIL! THE DEVIL! THE DEVIL IS IN MY OFFICE! AAAAAAAAAH!"
Ebon Dragon: "I'll leave if you send an invitation to my friend."
Equine Society Director: "Promise?"
Ebon Dragon: "No."
*Now*
Ebon Dragon: "Oh well. Good thing I still have you as my friends to take care of me."
Applejack: "Ah have nevah claimed ta be yer friend."
Pinkie Pie: "Actually, I've been looking forward to this!"
Rarity: "...You have?"
Pinkie Pie: "Sure! I mean, for all the bad blood, we're still both characters who have our sense of humor and general weirdness as central aspects of our identities, and I always thought having us interact more would have all sorts of potential for interesting character development and-"
Ebon Dragon: *distraction*
Pinkie Pie: "Hey! Who keeps throwing away these perfectly good distractions?!" *exeunt*
Ebon Dragon: "Oh well. I suppose you two will have to nurse me back to health."
Applejack: "...Buck mah life."
Ebon Dragon: "So, I guess you'll just need to be careful not to get infected yourselves."
Ebon Dragon: *infects them*
Ebon Dragon: "Oh dear. Who could possibly have seen this coming? I suppose Twilight and Cadence are my only hope now."
Ebon Dragon: "..."
Ebon Dragon: "..."
Ebon Dragon: "I wonder if I should have just appeared before Twilight directly and skipped this whole scene?"
Ebon Dragon: "...Nah."
At the Star-Swirl expo:
Cadence: "Goodness, is that the candle he stole to save Norna-Gest's life?"
Twilight: "Sure is! You can tell by the mismatched horns, the claw, the diabolical face…"
Twilight: "...Oh manure."
Ebon Dragon: "God-Queens… I come as the bearer of ill news. I have… the blue flu!"
Cadence: "...The blue flu? You mean, the term colloquially used to refer to people pretending to be ill when they're perfectly healthy so they can use their sick days?"
Ebon Dragon: "God-Queens… I come as the bearer of ill news. I have… Gremlin syndrome! The only known disease that can lay down a Yozi such as I!"
Twilight: "...It's one Exalted reference after another with you, isn't it."
Ebon Dragon: "Regrettably, I have already infected two of your friends. However, I am confident that you two are far too civic-minded to risk letting me spread it to the general public any further. Ah-choo."
Twilight: "Did you just say 'ah-choo'? Seriously?"
Cadence: "Have I mentioned that I'm thankful for force-fields? Because I'm thankful for force-fields."
Ebon Dragon: "Anyway, since I am clearly too sick to leave alone, clearly, as my friend, it falls upon you to take care of me."
Twilight: "I have never claimed to be your fr-"
Ebon Dragon: "And it's really fortunate that we're friends! I mean, with Fluttershy being busy elsewhere, who but a friend like you could remind me not to fall to my baser urges?"
Cadence: "Twilight? That's kind of an unhealthy twitch you're developing."
Twilight: "All right. You're in bed. Happy now?"
Ebon Dragon: "Certainly. But if I could make one itsy-bitsy teenie-weenie yellow polka dot request…"
[To the tune of Weird Al Yankovich's "Hardware Store":]
Never ever (ever)felt this ill and sick
Fever's so high (high), in the toilet I'm leaving bricks
I thought that I would go right out of my mind
Until I thought back to my friend
I thought, "hey, you know that god-queen
Right inside the oak bookstore? Well before you buy it
Well on the spot you're gonna see that mare
Before you meet your bitter end"
So now while I'm gasping for air (air)
While I'm too weak to comb my teeth or brush my hair
I am so relieved knowing that you will care
For my carcass till I die
So now while I'm vomiting teeth
And looking at the price range for my funeral wreath
'Cause any minute now I'll be six foot beneath
And we'll have to say good-bye
What I need, (right now) what I need (from you)
Before I must step into the light
I'm gonna (yes I'm) gonna, I'm a-gonna need some
Gonna need some (little) thing I'm gonna, really gonna need some
Gonna (need) I'm gonna need some (little) oh yes, I'm gonna need some
Little things!
I need allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters
Trash compactors, juice extractor, shower rods and water meters
Walkie-talkies, copper wires safety goggles, radial tires
BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers
Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters
Paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters
Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables
Hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles
Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication
Metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation
Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors
Tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors
Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers
Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers
Soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers
Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers
What I need, (right now) what I need (from you)
Before I must step into the light
I'm gonna (yes I'm) gonna, I'm a-gonna need some
Gonna need some (little) thing I'm gonna, really gonna need some
Gonna (need) I'm gonna need some (little) oh yes, I'm gonna need some
Little things!
Twilight: "...Why do I feel a sudden craving for a cheese sandwich?"
Cadence: "How did you even get Gremlin Syndrome?"
Ebon Dragon: "Autochton cooties?"
Twilight: "OK, my finite patience with Yozi bullshit is nearing its end. I'm going to look up some Solar Circle medical sorcery spell before I do something I regret."
Ebon Dragon: "Oh, well, if you're looking for a cure, there's this flower on the far end of Equestria. Back when I was ruling this reality, I mixed some of my blood with that flower - curious to see what'd happen, you know how that goes - and it's apparently still there. Using my non-contaminated blood, it should be trivial to make a serum for my condition."
Twilight: "OK let's go go go I want this stupid mess done already!"
Ebon Dragon: "...Did I mention that you'll probably need me on location, because the blood in the flower totally derives its power from the location it's been in? I'm not making this up, folks!"
Twilight: "Well, no-one ever lied while uttering that sentence." *eyeroll*
Cadence, pulling air chariot: "You know… I think I get why auntie always said he was kind of a dick."
Twilight: "Nooooo."
Ebon Dragon: "Well, the flower should be at the top of that hill."
Twilight: "OK. We're at the top. Swear to her momjesty, if he made up the existence of the flower…"
Cadance: "Um, Twilight?" *points up to tree*
Tree: *is giant flower*
Twilight: "...I may have rolled a natural 1 on that spot check."
Twilight and Cadance: *magically pull multi-ton plant out of the ground*
Twilight: "All right, now we just need to…"
Tatzlwurm: "REEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Twilight: "Obscure mythical monsters. Hate those guys."
EPIC BATTLE SEQUENCE!
Twilight: "Rule number one: Don't pick a fight with a god-queen!"
Cadence: "Rule number two: Don't pick a fight with TWO god-queens!"
Twilight: "Rule number three: GOTO rule number one!"
Tatzlwurm: *retreats*
Twilight: "OK, let's get this bullshit over and done wi-"
Ebon Dragon, healthy as fuck: "TOTAL SUCCESS! You passed the test, Twilight!"
Twilight: "THIS WHOLE STUPID THING WAS A TEST?!"
Ebon Dragon: "Of course! See, I was thinking to myself, hey, the friend of my friend is my friend, and Twilight is the friend of Fluttershy who is my friend, so logically, Twilight is my friend too…"
Twilight: "Wha- NO! Friendship is not a transitive property! You don't know enough about friendship to start making-"
Ebon Dragon: "But then I thought, what if Twilight is a bad friend for you? What if, now that she's become a god-queen, she started thinking she's too important for the little people, like omnipotent Yozis?"
Twilight: "No I don't! We already covered this in the season opener! Ebon Dragon, you know that! Ebon Dragon, you were there! Get some new material!"
Ebon Dragon: "And then I thought: Clearly, the solution is to test Twilight's friendship! I mean, this is what friends do to each other, isn't it? Test them!"
Twilight: "You are not God-Queen Celestia! You are not qualified to test me!"
Ebon Dragon: "Really, I have no idea why you're being such a sourpuss. What, is it because I kept you from diluting our friendship by spreading it to another pony? Because I ruined your special day, totally on accident? Wink wink nudge nudge?"
Twilight: "Friendship doesn't work like… I… aneurism… from sheer… r-"
Cadence: "Actually, I had a great day with you."
Ebon Dragon: "Total dick what."
Cadence: "I mean, you know what my life has been like since we beat King Sombra? I've been ruling a nation that's been away for a whole millennium! Catching them up to our era has been constant non-stop administrative work."
Cadence: "Going on epic quests and fighting high-level monsters? Complete and utter change of pace, and that's exactly what the doctor ordered. And I got to do it with my favorite sister, too!"
Cadence internal monologue: "Ham it up, Cadenza, the happier you look, the more frustrated he'll be, and the less likely he'll be to pull bullshit like this on you or Twilight again."
Twilight and Cadance: *sister hug!*
Ebon Dragon: "...Bah bumhug."
Tatzlwurm: "Revenge of the REEEEEEEEE!"
Ebon Dragon: "What in the mother of fuck is that?!"
Tatzlwurm: *poison breath!*
Tatzlwurm: *retreat*
Ebon Dragon: *direct hit!*
Ebon Dragon: "...Why didn't you protect me with your force-field?"
Cadence: "Because I didn't want to."
Twilight: "Dear Momjesty, today I learned that even the most chaotic day can be a great experience if you spend it with a good friend, and the dick who started it all gets his just desserts."
Ebon Dragon, sick: "Yaaay. Now please stop talking, it's causing the air to vibrate painfully."
Applejack: "Ah don' wanna say ya got what ya deserved…"
Rarity: "...because I called dibs on saying it. You got what you deserved, you dick."
Fluttershy: "Now, now. Enough rubbing it in his face, no matter how deserved. Just let me take care of the patient."
Ebon Dragon: "Much appreciated. But if I could make one itsy-bitsy teenie-weenie yellow polka dot request…"
Twilight: "Break into a song, and I'll break your bones."
God-Queen Luna: "You took a tatzlwurm."
God-Queen Celestia: "Yes."
God-Queen Luna: "Turned it into a carrier for Gremlin Syndrome."
God-Queen Celestia: "A weakened version."
God-Queen Luna: "And put in a tunnel under the flower the Ebon Dragon made."
God-Queen Celestia: "Correct."
God-Queen Luna: "...Why?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Well, just as a backup plan in case things went sour, I wanted to find a method of execution that would work on a reality-warping Yozi. You know, in case he ever returned and successfully took over the world."
God-Queen Luna: "...You created an anti-Ebon Dragon weapon and hid it in a place you knew he'd check up on sooner or later?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Goodness, no! I created a whole bunch of anti-Ebon Dragon weapons and hid them in places I knew he'd check up on sooner or later!"
God-Queen Luna: "..."
God-Queen Luna: "...I can live with this."
- Location
- New Hampshire
In-universe: they should've killed him.
Out: they never should've called de Lancie back.
Proof one. Fuck you, Discord. Fuck you so fucking much.
I'm pretty sure if they could have, they would havem, in-universe-wise. I mean, it's not like the MLP crew have shown any recultance about straight-up murder afterwards. Ask Sombra, oh wait, you can't, he fucking exploded.
Zimmerwald1915
Revolutionary Defeatist
- Location
- Lake Wobegon
- Pronouns
- He/Him/His
Eh, he got better.
- Location
- New Hampshire
No, he didn't. If you're referring to the comics, those aren't in continuity with the show.
Zimmerwald1915
Revolutionary Defeatist
- Location
- Lake Wobegon
- Pronouns
- He/Him/His
He asplode in Season 3. He was up and about in Season 9.
- Location
- New Hampshire
And then he go boom-boom again.
Zimmerwald1915
Revolutionary Defeatist
- Location
- Lake Wobegon
- Pronouns
- He/Him/His
Nope. In Season 9 the flesh was boiled off his bonesAnd then he go boom-boom again.
Pinkie Pride
Shining Armor: "Hi honey! How was Ponyville?"
Cadence: "Despite some hiccups, pretty enjoyable. I spent quality time with Twilight, I bugged Twilight about getting a very special somepony, we attended the Starswirl the Bearded expo, we fought an obscure mythical monster, and we saw a total dick get some well-deserved karma. How's the Crystal Empire been while I was away?"
Shining Armor: "Oh, you know, mostly the usual. Updating crystal ponies on the past millennium's worth of History, technological advances, magical advances, and legal advances. Updating the economy to handle the trade happening through the railroad line. You know how it is."
Cadence: "I also know that twinkle in your eye from when you said mostly the usual. What else?"
Shining Armor: "You know that changeling costume I wear during those drills with the guards?"
Cadence: "Yessss…?"
Shining Armor: "I ordered a copy from the same tailor. He assumes it's for the drills. Little does he know, I purchased that one with my own money."
Cadence: "Goodness!"
Shining Armor: "It's waiting in the bedroom."
Cadence: "Not the reference to the author's NSFW stories I expected, but I'll take it!"
PINKIE PRIDE
In Appleloosa, a fierce party rages between ponies and bisons.
The Pony With No Name, addressing his rubber chicken: "Well, Boneless. I've been through the desert as a horse with no name, and it felt good to be out of the rain. And my party has ensured continued peace among these people."
The Pony With No Name: "...Aren't you glad that the conflict of Appleloosa was one that could simply be resolved with the two sides listening to each other and agreeing to share resources?"
The Pony With No Name: "Can you imagine what it would have been like if, instead, this was the sort of conflict where one side shows up, steals everything from the people who were already there, refuses to regard their existence as legitimate, and attempts to outright exterminate them? Good thing it's nothing like that."
The Pony With No Name, who is actually named Cheese Sandwich: *gets a doozy*
Cheese Sandwich: "Ponyville. Always knew this day would come."
In Ponyville, and to the tune of "Party in the CIA":
Pinkie Pie: "I left the rock farm for Ponyville with a plain and simple goal
Throw the best damn parties ever seen, by stallion, mare or foal
Ponies or cows, mules or dragons or donkeys
They each deserve the finest of parties
Party-planning duty
Falls upon this one most fruity!
I'm feeling eager 'cause the next one is a doozy
It'll make everypony woozy
Today's the day there is a party just for you
So put your cone-shaped hat thing on
Be prepared to smile a ton
Got my party cannon drawn
So I get my streamers, my party guest list, and confetti bags for days
Spreading the joy like yeah
Hyping it up like yeah
I've memorized all the likes and dislikes of the pony I'll fete today
Yeahhhhhhhh, it's a party with the Pie today
Yeahhhhhhhh, it's a party with the Pie today
I've done a couple of crazy things
That have almost made a party dull
Like eat Celestia's 4-M cake
Which made my stomach almost full
Burn that mega-sparkler, will you?
I'd tell you why but I've got so much to do
You want a quickie inflation?
I'll blow some bubbles like a champion!
No hurry on that grouchy filly's cute-ceañera
I will party-plan it later
But when she walks within my cannon's range
Then the party will be on
Yeah the party will be on
'Cause confetti helps a ton!
Yeah I plan parties all over this town
For fillies, colts and my friends
Spreading the cheer like yeah
Smiling all year like yeah
Eliminating the frowns from this world
I turn them upside-down each day
Yeahhhhhhhh, it's a party with the Pie today
Yeahhhhhhhh, it's a party with the Pie today
For a birthday or for a faire (for a faire)
Look no further I'm your mare (I'm your mare)
Anytime and anywhere (anywhere)
I am gonna party-plan with a ton of flair!
Better raise your hooves up, stamp on the dance floor
Get ready to get blown away
Fireworks blow up like yeah
Streamers go down like yeah
I only party with folks that I like
Which is everyone so that's OK
Yeahhhhhhhh, it's a party with the Pie today
Yeahhhhhhhh, it's a party with the Pie today
Pinkie Pie: "As you all know - but I'm gonna say it anyway to bring the viewers up to speed - today I'm planning one heckuva party for the brash, the rash, the grab-and-smash, the one and only Rainbow Dash!"
Rainbow Dash: "Damn straight! Even if you were kinda reaching for those rhymes."
Pinkie Pie: "Rainbow Dash, let's make something clear: By enlisting my services, you have doomed yourself to the inevitability of a straight-up excellent party. It cannot be stopped. It cannot be avoided. Resistance is futile. You will have the best time of your mortal life."
Rainbow Dash: "...I need an adult."
Pinkie Pie: "I am an adult."
Twilight: "Debatably."
Pinkie Pie: "Make no mistake: This is a matter of pride. Humor is too serious a matter to be left to jokers, and the same goes for parties!"
Fluttershy: "I don't think anyone's gonna catch that Gotlib referen-"
Pinkie Pie: "I will cut you."
Fluttershy: "Eep."
Suddenly Cheese Sandwich: "Listen to the pink one. Parties are serious business indeed."
Pinkie Pie: "Are you new? You're definitely new, because I know everypony in Ponyville and I do mean everypony and if you're new that means we need to throw you a welcome party-"
Cheese Sandwich: "Just passing by. Cheese Sandwich is the name, throwing parties is the game - and the only way to win is to play. My party sense led me here."
Twilight: "Cheese Sandwich… Do you sometimes get all sorts of hunches and hallucinations about a world full of bipedal creatures that remind you of the people you know? Does it sometimes feel like you're there, but seeing everything from some five or six feet above the ground, about the same height as them? Do the events there often match the events that happen in your real life… but in a different order? And when events there happen before they actually happen to you… do you feel all sorts of twitches?"
Cheese Sandwich: "GASP! Are you psychic?!"
Rainbow Dash: "Well, anyway, you've come at the perfect time. Today isn't just my birthday - it's the anniversary of when I moved to Ponyville."
Rarity: "How delightf- Wait. You moved on your birthday?"
Rainbow Dash: "Look, love my parents and all, but I literally moved out of the house on the exact first day it was legal for me to live on my own."
Rarity: "Ah. Say no more. Still, this does indeed call for an exceptional celebration…"
Sandwich: "...And as such, you are cordially invited to get on the party train! The party palooza! The party bus!"
[To the tune of "Another One Rides The Bus":]
Cheese Sandwich: "Throwing a party for everyone
You can bet it will be packed
Gotta make sure everypony has fun
Even wallflowers in the back
It is smelling like a fruit punch lake
There's a DDR on the floor
I will make your party rock whatever it takes
So you go in and have fun some more!
Hop on on the party bus
Hop on on the party bus
So hop on, so jump in, so hop on, so jump in
Hop on on the party bus
Hey! We will rock you too
Hop on on the party bus!
A celestiadarn pro is what I am
I can make any party great
Little time to prepare? I don't give a damn
The shindig will still be first-rate
I am the best there is at what I do
And what I do is fun indeed
So invite all your friends and all your neighbors too
Because with me fun is guaranteed!
Hop on on the party bus
Hop on on the party bus
So hop on, so jump in, so hop on, so jump in
Hop on on the party bus
Hey! We will rock you too
Hop on on the party bus!
Hop on on the party bus
Hop on on the party bus weeee!
Hop on on the party bus woo-hoo!
Hop on on the party bus yeah-eaheaheaheh!
I am the best there is in all of Equestria
And have been since I was a colt
Doctors define my parties as hysteria
Their buzz is like a trillion volt
If you're looking for a global maximum of fun
Then gentlecolts, this is it
I'll plan it all superbly and on three two one
Start a party too legit to quit
Hop on on the party bus
Hop on on the party bus
So hop on, so jump in, so hop on, so jump in
Hop on on the party bus
Hey! We will rock you too
Hop on on the party bus!"
Rarity: "I must say, that truly was the Queen of catchy tunes."
Cheese Sandwich: "Shucks, thanks. Now let's get this party planned!"
Rainbow Dash: "Awesome! Let's get to it!"
Pinkie Pie: "..."
Pinkie Pie: "...The buck just happened?"
Twilight Sparkle, the Pony Of Plans: "I have to say, it warms my heart to see other ponies being as much into planning as I am, even if it's just planning one specific type of thing."
Rainbow Dash: "Party's already looking 20% cooler, and counting!"
Cheese Sandwich: "Just doing my job, good citizens! ...I mean, it's literally my job."
Rainbow Dash: "...Are you getting paid for this?"
Cheese Sandwich: "What's 'paid'? I think I heard that word once, but I keep forgetting to check the dictionary."
Rainbow Dash: "...How do you afford food?"
Cheese Sandwich: "What do you mean? There's plenty of food at parties!"
Twilight: "Pinkie? How come you're here rather than helping set up the party?"
Pinkie Pie: "Nnnnnnah, I'm sure Cheese Sandwich has got it." *twitch*
Twilight: "...OK, you're twitching, but I can't tell if it's a regular Pinkie twitch or a Party Of One slash Lesson Zero twitch. Is everything fine?"
Pinkie Pie: "Everything's Okey-dokey, as says Loki! Go! Go plan parties!"
Twilight: "...Let the record show I have some concerns and reservations." *leaves*
Pinkie Pie: "...If Cheese Sandwich is the best at what he does… then that means I'm not the best at what Cheese Sandwich does! And since we do the same thing, then that means I'm not the best at what I do! The numbers don't lie!"
Pinkie Pie: "But if I'm not the best party-planner, smile-provider and frown up-turner in Equestria… what am I?"
[To the tune of Weird Al Yankovich's "Jurassic Park":]
Pinkie Pie: "I recall the time I threw a party for my family
And before long the rock farm both rocked and rolled
My mother and my father, and my sisters - all three fillies
It's no retcon! It's foreshadowing! ...I'm told.
To not be best is frightening me right now
It is threatening my identity
Someone's better than me at my thing
And though it might be subjective
Turns out I am competitive
And I don't think I'll be partying again
Oh no
I cannot endure this situation
'Cause bringing ponies smiles is what I am all about
Some dude dressed like a cowcolt sang like Weird Al
Which should be so fun yet it only makes me pout
To not be best is frightening me right now
It is threatening my identity
Someone bring me a grip I can get!
If my parties are not needed
Then my brain gets overheated
And I don't think I'll be smiling yet again
To not be best is frightening me right now
It is threatening my identity
What a crummy state that I am in
Well, I'm not admitting defeat
I'll tell Sandwich where to stick it
Because I still have a party I must plan!
Oh yes, oh yessss!"
Pinkie Pie: "OK, enough with the self-pity! Nopony, nopony gets to muscle me out of my turf! I am Pinkamena Responsibility Party Pie, I make ponies smile, and I have my pride! It's right there in the episode title!"
Cheese Sandwich: "OK, party's coming along great, let's add some-"
Pinkie Pie: "Cheese Sandwich! I challenge you to a goof-off!"
Fluttershy: "No! Not a goof-off! Not that! Anything but that!"
Applejack: "D'ya got any clue what a goof-off is?"
Fluttershy: "No, but it sounds confrontational!"
Cheese Sandwich: "...You step up to the cheese, you best have mastered the grater."
Pinkie Pie: "Grate this! Whoever wins this goof-off gets to plan Rainbow Dash's party!"
Cheese Sandwich: "And the loser?"
Pinkie Pie: "DOESN'T!"
Rainbow Dash: "You managed to make that sound badass, and I find that downright disturbing."
Twilight, the Pony of Books, Rules and Bureaucracy: "All right. I have the official goof-off rulebook right here…"
Rainbow Dash: "...That exists and she has one?"
Spike: "This is Twilight! If she came across a subject that didn't have a rulebook, the rulebook would spontaneously burst into existence from her sheer bibliophile lawfulness!"
Twilight: "...and so, Rainbow Dash will be the judge."
Rainbow Dash: "So… there's a tense competition… which I'm not participating in… but where I have to decide the winner and be objective even though one of the competitors is my friend and the prize is headlining my birthday party. Yaaaaaaay."
Fluttershy: "She sounds so happy!"
The goof-off begins!
[To the tune of "Sir Isaac Newton versus Bill Nye":]
Cheese Sandwich: "Of all of the comedic minds in History
They sent Pinkie without the Brain up against me?
I'm hilarious! I have mastered parody
I plan parties and I rhyme at top celerity!
You're no match for me, because you see Pinkie
While you surround Twilight, I dare to be stoopid!
Now you want to goof-off? That's a crazy notion
I got more versatility than Zeco's potions!
You DONE GOOFED! Want to know how? Well you see, the last time I checked
You had just picked a fight with the cameo with all the wackiest sound effects
I'm voiced by Weird Al, I get giggles
I have got a rubber chicken and a dance like wiggles!
You waste time with your mirror cloning pools
While I invent new gags they teach in clowning schools!"
Pinkie: "While it's true - that I've starred in the odd subpar episode
But now I do - gags and jokes that are gonna make your head explode
And I'm still in my prime, hitting my stride
It's season four and it'll be outta nine
I can freak out, like a goshdarn Pinkazoid
Make sure victory will be mine!
I wrote the book on partying
(and I'm co-writing a friendship journal)
Now I'm mastering the art of reparteeing
So now all of my lines are infernal
You don't wanna mess with the Pie, tough guy!
If I am not the best, stick a cupcake in my eye!
Stick to chickens made of rubber
While I'm hanging out with baby alligators!"
Cheese Sandwich: "Well I conclude all I really need's a smile smile
From happy friends of mine whom I love to see grin
Every pony has to smile smile smile like sunshine sunshine
Whenever we are partying!
I accelerated the art of the heart of the party to a level that's beyond compare
And I elevated this episode through cameo and songs and jokes and references
And I will leave you with some quotes that you should add to your notes to line-punch:
Eat it, my bologna! It's smelling like Nirvana because I lost on jeopardy and girls just want to have lunch!"
Pinkie: "Why don't you hack just stick to your own songs (own songs)?!
That's enough with the parodies, get your own material!
Pinkie 'party queen' Pie, can't beat me when you try
By the way the winner of this goof-off is defs gonna be I
As in I put the fun back in ponies
While Yankovich is guest-starring, and his songs are all phonies
But partying is my pride and that's why I now mean business
The party fun is infinite but this goof-off is finished!"
Rainbow Dash, collateral damage: "Too much meta… Are we supposed to be against filks now, even though we use them all the time?"
Pinkie Pie, Exalt of Laughter: "!"
Pinkie Pie: *tastes the rainbow*
Pinkie Pie: *epiphany*
Pinkie Pie: "...I've made a huge mistake."
Pinkie Pie: "HOLD THE PHONE! Goof-off officially off. Home team forfeits. Visitor wins."
Cheese Sandwich: "Woot! Wait, what?"
Pinkie Pie: *begins packing her things*
Rainbow Dash: "Uh… Pinkie? I know this day has been confusing and weird, but…"
Rainbow Dash: "...The buck are you doing?"
Pinkie Pie: "I have utterly failed at Laughter. So now, I'm gonna do the logical thing and go on a journey through Equestria, honing my skills in underground comedy rings."
Rainbow Dash: "I'm sorry, what? Just… what? You think you need to leave because you didn't beat Cheese Sandwich in a goof-off?"
Pinkie Pie: "No, not because I didn't win - because I made it a competition in the first place!"
Pinkie Pie: "Look, it's like… The Element of Laughter isn't about the ability to come up with good punchlines, you know?"
Pinkie Pie: "The world is full of dark and terrible things. Mortality, semi-frequent archvillain apocalypses, injustice, depression, the year 2020. The Element of Laughter is about giggling at the ghosties - about finding it in yourself to laugh despite all the terrible things, to give yourself the strength to carry on!"
Pinkie Pie: "But one of the first things you need to be able to laugh at is yourself. I mean, take the Joker: He can't take jokes about himself; he laughs at other people's pain. That's why he's more of a bully than a clown."
Pinkie Pie: "If you're always taking yourself too seriously - if you let yourself be controlled by pride - then your laughter stops being a healing salve."
Pinkie Pie: "So now I have to go learn that important lesson!"
Rainbow Dash: "You just did learn that important lesson!"
Pinkie Pie: "Oh, whoops, you're right. Guess I can stay right here then!"
Cheese Sandwich: "Yeah, I'm with your friends here. Look, this… has seriously gone sideways. Antagonizing you and making you feel bad about yourself was the opposite of what I wanted to do here!"
Pinkie Pie: "Right, right. It's not much of a party if the host's friends are miserable."
Cheese Sandwich: "Screw the host, I wanted to impress you!"
Rainbow Dash: "No offence intended, I'm sure."
Pinkie Pie: "Wait, what? What do you have to do with me?"
Cheese Sandwich: "I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate!"
Pinkie Pie: "Really?"
Cheese Sandwich: "Yes, weird coincidence, but that's not the actual reason. The actual reason is…"
[To the tune of "Ode to a Superhero":]
Cheese Sandwich: "Poor me at age ten was pitiful
Couldn't have been any shyer
My classmates still wouldn't have noticed me
Even if my mane was on fire
But then one day I visited Ponyville
At a party the ponies threw down
And I felt so inspired, my brain felt so wired
That on the spot I became a clown
La li la, li de da
La la, li le la da duh
Hear my tale o Pinkamena Pie
Hear my tale and delight
Because we sure could use us some laughter now
And there's much depression to fight
Now Boneless the chicken is made of gum
He follows me where I go
And my jokes may be dumb but I'll never be glum
'Long as parties are the status quo
With great parties comes responsibility
To plan them like an absolute pro
That is my cutie mark and with it I embark
On my mission to make the punch flow
La li la, li de da
La la, li le la da duh
Now throughout the land of Equestria
I have planned parties with great aplomb
It was with dedication and felicitations
That I got good enough for this show
And I'm trotting around with my chicken pal
And I'm throwing those parties like so
But the point I will get to (for your patience, thank you)
Dates back to the start of this song
Hear my tale o Pinkamena Pie
Hear my tale and delight
'Cause you're pink and you're fun and inspire me
And I think you're much more than all right
I was a sad sight before that fateful day
Just another forgettable klutz
It was you Pinkie Pie who upturned my sad life
Threw the party that made me go nuts
It was you who inspired my partying
It was you, my role model, Miss Pie
So if I have spread joy to each girl and each boy
It's because I am your alumni
La li la, li de da
La la, li le la da duh
Hear my tale o Pinkamena Pie
Hear my tale and rejoice
Because you are my hero o Pinkie Pie
My parties are sung with your voice."
Pinkie Pie: "Wait, my parties are what inspired you to become Equestria's premier party-planning pony?"
Cheese Sandwich: "Exactly! When I realized there was a major party to plan in Ponyville, I was ecstatic! I thought it was my chance to show you how far I'd come, so that you could be proud of knowing you'd inspired somepony else!"
Pinkie Pie: "...Yyyyeah, 'proud' was exactly the problem."
Cheese Sandwich: "Yeah. I mean, once I started actually planning Rainbow Dash's party, I just… went on autopilot and got sucked into doing my job, and I didn't notice your rather conspicuous absence. Then you challenged me, and… my ego got the better of me."
Pinkie Pie: "Same here, but worse. Look, I'm really sorry. I think what you're doing is amazeballs, and-"
Rainbow Dash: "Yadda yadda yadda mushy mushy mush! Are you two done burning daylight?! There's still a party to plan, and God-Queen Celestia won't hold the sun in place while you're sorting out your friendship issues!"
Pinkie Pie: "When Rainbow Dash is insensitively right, she's insensitively right! Let's double-team this thing!"
Cheese Sandwich: "There isn't enough hell yes in the world!"
[To the tune of "I Love Rocky Road":]
We smell that birthday cake and we start to drool
We're here to fete a pony that's awesome and cool
Yeah she rocks that rainbow mane
So let us say it again
There's just one pony good enough for this party
She's 20% cooler than anypony
Rock on, Rainbow Dash!
It's time to have an awesome birthday party baby!
Rock on, Rainbow Dash!
Let's celebrate an epic anniversary!
If you think birthday parties are all the same
Then you have yet to see our claim to fame
So blow these candles girl
And eat cake 'till you hurl
So dance on stage with all your friends to groovy beats
Don't worry about what this costs we keep receipts
We're singin'
Rock on, Rainbow Dash!
It's time to have an awesome birthday party baby!
Rock on, Rainbow Dash!
Let's celebrate an epic anniversary!
Your party rocks and rolls
It brings joy to our souls
If it lasts until sunrise that's fine with me
That's when we'll crash into our beds and get some sleep
Singin'
Rock on, Rainbow Dash!
It's time to have an awesome birthday party baby!
Rock on, Rainbow Dash!
Let's celebrate an epic anniversary!
Rock on, Rainbow Dash!
It's time to have an awesome birthday party baby!
Rock on, Rainbow Dash!
Let's celebrate an epic anniversary!
Rock on, Rainbow Dash!
It's time to have an awesome birthday party baby!
Rock on, Rainbow Dash!
Let's celebrate an epic anniversary!
Rainbow Dash: "OK, the filking got a little out of hand, but that was a party for the ages and for all ages."
Cheese Sandwich: "As it should be. Now if you'll excuse me…"
Cheese Sandwich: "Miss Pie? A little something to remember me by."
Pinkie Pie: "Wait, you're leaving me your precious rubber chicken?"
Cheese Sandwich: "Didja forget rule #24 of party-planning? Always keep a spare of everything."
Cheese Sandwich: *rides off into the sunrise with Boneless 2*
Pinkie Pie: "Who was that masked pony?"
Twilight: "...I think you're getting your iconic westerns mixed up."
But then, as cosmic forces align…
Rubber Chicken: *glows with rainbow light!*
Cadence: "Despite some hiccups, pretty enjoyable. I spent quality time with Twilight, I bugged Twilight about getting a very special somepony, we attended the Starswirl the Bearded expo, we fought an obscure mythical monster, and we saw a total dick get some well-deserved karma. How's the Crystal Empire been while I was away?"
Shining Armor: "Oh, you know, mostly the usual. Updating crystal ponies on the past millennium's worth of History, technological advances, magical advances, and legal advances. Updating the economy to handle the trade happening through the railroad line. You know how it is."
Cadence: "I also know that twinkle in your eye from when you said mostly the usual. What else?"
Shining Armor: "You know that changeling costume I wear during those drills with the guards?"
Cadence: "Yessss…?"
Shining Armor: "I ordered a copy from the same tailor. He assumes it's for the drills. Little does he know, I purchased that one with my own money."
Cadence: "Goodness!"
Shining Armor: "It's waiting in the bedroom."
Cadence: "Not the reference to the author's NSFW stories I expected, but I'll take it!"
PINKIE PRIDE
In Appleloosa, a fierce party rages between ponies and bisons.
The Pony With No Name, addressing his rubber chicken: "Well, Boneless. I've been through the desert as a horse with no name, and it felt good to be out of the rain. And my party has ensured continued peace among these people."
The Pony With No Name: "...Aren't you glad that the conflict of Appleloosa was one that could simply be resolved with the two sides listening to each other and agreeing to share resources?"
The Pony With No Name: "Can you imagine what it would have been like if, instead, this was the sort of conflict where one side shows up, steals everything from the people who were already there, refuses to regard their existence as legitimate, and attempts to outright exterminate them? Good thing it's nothing like that."
The Pony With No Name, who is actually named Cheese Sandwich: *gets a doozy*
Cheese Sandwich: "Ponyville. Always knew this day would come."
In Ponyville, and to the tune of "Party in the CIA":
Pinkie Pie: "I left the rock farm for Ponyville with a plain and simple goal
Throw the best damn parties ever seen, by stallion, mare or foal
Ponies or cows, mules or dragons or donkeys
They each deserve the finest of parties
Party-planning duty
Falls upon this one most fruity!
I'm feeling eager 'cause the next one is a doozy
It'll make everypony woozy
Today's the day there is a party just for you
So put your cone-shaped hat thing on
Be prepared to smile a ton
Got my party cannon drawn
So I get my streamers, my party guest list, and confetti bags for days
Spreading the joy like yeah
Hyping it up like yeah
I've memorized all the likes and dislikes of the pony I'll fete today
Yeahhhhhhhh, it's a party with the Pie today
Yeahhhhhhhh, it's a party with the Pie today
I've done a couple of crazy things
That have almost made a party dull
Like eat Celestia's 4-M cake
Which made my stomach almost full
Burn that mega-sparkler, will you?
I'd tell you why but I've got so much to do
You want a quickie inflation?
I'll blow some bubbles like a champion!
No hurry on that grouchy filly's cute-ceañera
I will party-plan it later
But when she walks within my cannon's range
Then the party will be on
Yeah the party will be on
'Cause confetti helps a ton!
Yeah I plan parties all over this town
For fillies, colts and my friends
Spreading the cheer like yeah
Smiling all year like yeah
Eliminating the frowns from this world
I turn them upside-down each day
Yeahhhhhhhh, it's a party with the Pie today
Yeahhhhhhhh, it's a party with the Pie today
For a birthday or for a faire (for a faire)
Look no further I'm your mare (I'm your mare)
Anytime and anywhere (anywhere)
I am gonna party-plan with a ton of flair!
Better raise your hooves up, stamp on the dance floor
Get ready to get blown away
Fireworks blow up like yeah
Streamers go down like yeah
I only party with folks that I like
Which is everyone so that's OK
Yeahhhhhhhh, it's a party with the Pie today
Yeahhhhhhhh, it's a party with the Pie today
Pinkie Pie: "As you all know - but I'm gonna say it anyway to bring the viewers up to speed - today I'm planning one heckuva party for the brash, the rash, the grab-and-smash, the one and only Rainbow Dash!"
Rainbow Dash: "Damn straight! Even if you were kinda reaching for those rhymes."
Pinkie Pie: "Rainbow Dash, let's make something clear: By enlisting my services, you have doomed yourself to the inevitability of a straight-up excellent party. It cannot be stopped. It cannot be avoided. Resistance is futile. You will have the best time of your mortal life."
Rainbow Dash: "...I need an adult."
Pinkie Pie: "I am an adult."
Twilight: "Debatably."
Pinkie Pie: "Make no mistake: This is a matter of pride. Humor is too serious a matter to be left to jokers, and the same goes for parties!"
Fluttershy: "I don't think anyone's gonna catch that Gotlib referen-"
Pinkie Pie: "I will cut you."
Fluttershy: "Eep."
Suddenly Cheese Sandwich: "Listen to the pink one. Parties are serious business indeed."
Pinkie Pie: "Are you new? You're definitely new, because I know everypony in Ponyville and I do mean everypony and if you're new that means we need to throw you a welcome party-"
Cheese Sandwich: "Just passing by. Cheese Sandwich is the name, throwing parties is the game - and the only way to win is to play. My party sense led me here."
Twilight: "Cheese Sandwich… Do you sometimes get all sorts of hunches and hallucinations about a world full of bipedal creatures that remind you of the people you know? Does it sometimes feel like you're there, but seeing everything from some five or six feet above the ground, about the same height as them? Do the events there often match the events that happen in your real life… but in a different order? And when events there happen before they actually happen to you… do you feel all sorts of twitches?"
Cheese Sandwich: "GASP! Are you psychic?!"
Rainbow Dash: "Well, anyway, you've come at the perfect time. Today isn't just my birthday - it's the anniversary of when I moved to Ponyville."
Rarity: "How delightf- Wait. You moved on your birthday?"
Rainbow Dash: "Look, love my parents and all, but I literally moved out of the house on the exact first day it was legal for me to live on my own."
Rarity: "Ah. Say no more. Still, this does indeed call for an exceptional celebration…"
Sandwich: "...And as such, you are cordially invited to get on the party train! The party palooza! The party bus!"
[To the tune of "Another One Rides The Bus":]
Cheese Sandwich: "Throwing a party for everyone
You can bet it will be packed
Gotta make sure everypony has fun
Even wallflowers in the back
It is smelling like a fruit punch lake
There's a DDR on the floor
I will make your party rock whatever it takes
So you go in and have fun some more!
Hop on on the party bus
Hop on on the party bus
So hop on, so jump in, so hop on, so jump in
Hop on on the party bus
Hey! We will rock you too
Hop on on the party bus!
A celestiadarn pro is what I am
I can make any party great
Little time to prepare? I don't give a damn
The shindig will still be first-rate
I am the best there is at what I do
And what I do is fun indeed
So invite all your friends and all your neighbors too
Because with me fun is guaranteed!
Hop on on the party bus
Hop on on the party bus
So hop on, so jump in, so hop on, so jump in
Hop on on the party bus
Hey! We will rock you too
Hop on on the party bus!
Hop on on the party bus
Hop on on the party bus weeee!
Hop on on the party bus woo-hoo!
Hop on on the party bus yeah-eaheaheaheh!
I am the best there is in all of Equestria
And have been since I was a colt
Doctors define my parties as hysteria
Their buzz is like a trillion volt
If you're looking for a global maximum of fun
Then gentlecolts, this is it
I'll plan it all superbly and on three two one
Start a party too legit to quit
Hop on on the party bus
Hop on on the party bus
So hop on, so jump in, so hop on, so jump in
Hop on on the party bus
Hey! We will rock you too
Hop on on the party bus!"
Rarity: "I must say, that truly was the Queen of catchy tunes."
Cheese Sandwich: "Shucks, thanks. Now let's get this party planned!"
Rainbow Dash: "Awesome! Let's get to it!"
Pinkie Pie: "..."
Pinkie Pie: "...The buck just happened?"
Twilight Sparkle, the Pony Of Plans: "I have to say, it warms my heart to see other ponies being as much into planning as I am, even if it's just planning one specific type of thing."
Rainbow Dash: "Party's already looking 20% cooler, and counting!"
Cheese Sandwich: "Just doing my job, good citizens! ...I mean, it's literally my job."
Rainbow Dash: "...Are you getting paid for this?"
Cheese Sandwich: "What's 'paid'? I think I heard that word once, but I keep forgetting to check the dictionary."
Rainbow Dash: "...How do you afford food?"
Cheese Sandwich: "What do you mean? There's plenty of food at parties!"
Twilight: "Pinkie? How come you're here rather than helping set up the party?"
Pinkie Pie: "Nnnnnnah, I'm sure Cheese Sandwich has got it." *twitch*
Twilight: "...OK, you're twitching, but I can't tell if it's a regular Pinkie twitch or a Party Of One slash Lesson Zero twitch. Is everything fine?"
Pinkie Pie: "Everything's Okey-dokey, as says Loki! Go! Go plan parties!"
Twilight: "...Let the record show I have some concerns and reservations." *leaves*
Pinkie Pie: "...If Cheese Sandwich is the best at what he does… then that means I'm not the best at what Cheese Sandwich does! And since we do the same thing, then that means I'm not the best at what I do! The numbers don't lie!"
Pinkie Pie: "But if I'm not the best party-planner, smile-provider and frown up-turner in Equestria… what am I?"
[To the tune of Weird Al Yankovich's "Jurassic Park":]
Pinkie Pie: "I recall the time I threw a party for my family
And before long the rock farm both rocked and rolled
My mother and my father, and my sisters - all three fillies
It's no retcon! It's foreshadowing! ...I'm told.
To not be best is frightening me right now
It is threatening my identity
Someone's better than me at my thing
And though it might be subjective
Turns out I am competitive
And I don't think I'll be partying again
Oh no
I cannot endure this situation
'Cause bringing ponies smiles is what I am all about
Some dude dressed like a cowcolt sang like Weird Al
Which should be so fun yet it only makes me pout
To not be best is frightening me right now
It is threatening my identity
Someone bring me a grip I can get!
If my parties are not needed
Then my brain gets overheated
And I don't think I'll be smiling yet again
To not be best is frightening me right now
It is threatening my identity
What a crummy state that I am in
Well, I'm not admitting defeat
I'll tell Sandwich where to stick it
Because I still have a party I must plan!
Oh yes, oh yessss!"
Pinkie Pie: "OK, enough with the self-pity! Nopony, nopony gets to muscle me out of my turf! I am Pinkamena Responsibility Party Pie, I make ponies smile, and I have my pride! It's right there in the episode title!"
Cheese Sandwich: "OK, party's coming along great, let's add some-"
Pinkie Pie: "Cheese Sandwich! I challenge you to a goof-off!"
Fluttershy: "No! Not a goof-off! Not that! Anything but that!"
Applejack: "D'ya got any clue what a goof-off is?"
Fluttershy: "No, but it sounds confrontational!"
Cheese Sandwich: "...You step up to the cheese, you best have mastered the grater."
Pinkie Pie: "Grate this! Whoever wins this goof-off gets to plan Rainbow Dash's party!"
Cheese Sandwich: "And the loser?"
Pinkie Pie: "DOESN'T!"
Rainbow Dash: "You managed to make that sound badass, and I find that downright disturbing."
Twilight, the Pony of Books, Rules and Bureaucracy: "All right. I have the official goof-off rulebook right here…"
Rainbow Dash: "...That exists and she has one?"
Spike: "This is Twilight! If she came across a subject that didn't have a rulebook, the rulebook would spontaneously burst into existence from her sheer bibliophile lawfulness!"
Twilight: "...and so, Rainbow Dash will be the judge."
Rainbow Dash: "So… there's a tense competition… which I'm not participating in… but where I have to decide the winner and be objective even though one of the competitors is my friend and the prize is headlining my birthday party. Yaaaaaaay."
Fluttershy: "She sounds so happy!"
The goof-off begins!
[To the tune of "Sir Isaac Newton versus Bill Nye":]
Cheese Sandwich: "Of all of the comedic minds in History
They sent Pinkie without the Brain up against me?
I'm hilarious! I have mastered parody
I plan parties and I rhyme at top celerity!
You're no match for me, because you see Pinkie
While you surround Twilight, I dare to be stoopid!
Now you want to goof-off? That's a crazy notion
I got more versatility than Zeco's potions!
You DONE GOOFED! Want to know how? Well you see, the last time I checked
You had just picked a fight with the cameo with all the wackiest sound effects
I'm voiced by Weird Al, I get giggles
I have got a rubber chicken and a dance like wiggles!
You waste time with your mirror cloning pools
While I invent new gags they teach in clowning schools!"
Pinkie: "While it's true - that I've starred in the odd subpar episode
But now I do - gags and jokes that are gonna make your head explode
And I'm still in my prime, hitting my stride
It's season four and it'll be outta nine
I can freak out, like a goshdarn Pinkazoid
Make sure victory will be mine!
I wrote the book on partying
(and I'm co-writing a friendship journal)
Now I'm mastering the art of reparteeing
So now all of my lines are infernal
You don't wanna mess with the Pie, tough guy!
If I am not the best, stick a cupcake in my eye!
Stick to chickens made of rubber
While I'm hanging out with baby alligators!"
Cheese Sandwich: "Well I conclude all I really need's a smile smile
From happy friends of mine whom I love to see grin
Every pony has to smile smile smile like sunshine sunshine
Whenever we are partying!
I accelerated the art of the heart of the party to a level that's beyond compare
And I elevated this episode through cameo and songs and jokes and references
And I will leave you with some quotes that you should add to your notes to line-punch:
Eat it, my bologna! It's smelling like Nirvana because I lost on jeopardy and girls just want to have lunch!"
Pinkie: "Why don't you hack just stick to your own songs (own songs)?!
That's enough with the parodies, get your own material!
Pinkie 'party queen' Pie, can't beat me when you try
By the way the winner of this goof-off is defs gonna be I
As in I put the fun back in ponies
While Yankovich is guest-starring, and his songs are all phonies
But partying is my pride and that's why I now mean business
The party fun is infinite but this goof-off is finished!"
Rainbow Dash, collateral damage: "Too much meta… Are we supposed to be against filks now, even though we use them all the time?"
Pinkie Pie, Exalt of Laughter: "!"
Pinkie Pie: *tastes the rainbow*
Pinkie Pie: *epiphany*
Pinkie Pie: "...I've made a huge mistake."
Pinkie Pie: "HOLD THE PHONE! Goof-off officially off. Home team forfeits. Visitor wins."
Cheese Sandwich: "Woot! Wait, what?"
Pinkie Pie: *begins packing her things*
Rainbow Dash: "Uh… Pinkie? I know this day has been confusing and weird, but…"
Rainbow Dash: "...The buck are you doing?"
Pinkie Pie: "I have utterly failed at Laughter. So now, I'm gonna do the logical thing and go on a journey through Equestria, honing my skills in underground comedy rings."
Rainbow Dash: "I'm sorry, what? Just… what? You think you need to leave because you didn't beat Cheese Sandwich in a goof-off?"
Pinkie Pie: "No, not because I didn't win - because I made it a competition in the first place!"
Pinkie Pie: "Look, it's like… The Element of Laughter isn't about the ability to come up with good punchlines, you know?"
Pinkie Pie: "The world is full of dark and terrible things. Mortality, semi-frequent archvillain apocalypses, injustice, depression, the year 2020. The Element of Laughter is about giggling at the ghosties - about finding it in yourself to laugh despite all the terrible things, to give yourself the strength to carry on!"
Pinkie Pie: "But one of the first things you need to be able to laugh at is yourself. I mean, take the Joker: He can't take jokes about himself; he laughs at other people's pain. That's why he's more of a bully than a clown."
Pinkie Pie: "If you're always taking yourself too seriously - if you let yourself be controlled by pride - then your laughter stops being a healing salve."
Pinkie Pie: "So now I have to go learn that important lesson!"
Rainbow Dash: "You just did learn that important lesson!"
Pinkie Pie: "Oh, whoops, you're right. Guess I can stay right here then!"
Cheese Sandwich: "Yeah, I'm with your friends here. Look, this… has seriously gone sideways. Antagonizing you and making you feel bad about yourself was the opposite of what I wanted to do here!"
Pinkie Pie: "Right, right. It's not much of a party if the host's friends are miserable."
Cheese Sandwich: "Screw the host, I wanted to impress you!"
Rainbow Dash: "No offence intended, I'm sure."
Pinkie Pie: "Wait, what? What do you have to do with me?"
Cheese Sandwich: "I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate!"
Pinkie Pie: "Really?"
Cheese Sandwich: "Yes, weird coincidence, but that's not the actual reason. The actual reason is…"
[To the tune of "Ode to a Superhero":]
Cheese Sandwich: "Poor me at age ten was pitiful
Couldn't have been any shyer
My classmates still wouldn't have noticed me
Even if my mane was on fire
But then one day I visited Ponyville
At a party the ponies threw down
And I felt so inspired, my brain felt so wired
That on the spot I became a clown
La li la, li de da
La la, li le la da duh
Hear my tale o Pinkamena Pie
Hear my tale and delight
Because we sure could use us some laughter now
And there's much depression to fight
Now Boneless the chicken is made of gum
He follows me where I go
And my jokes may be dumb but I'll never be glum
'Long as parties are the status quo
With great parties comes responsibility
To plan them like an absolute pro
That is my cutie mark and with it I embark
On my mission to make the punch flow
La li la, li de da
La la, li le la da duh
Now throughout the land of Equestria
I have planned parties with great aplomb
It was with dedication and felicitations
That I got good enough for this show
And I'm trotting around with my chicken pal
And I'm throwing those parties like so
But the point I will get to (for your patience, thank you)
Dates back to the start of this song
Hear my tale o Pinkamena Pie
Hear my tale and delight
'Cause you're pink and you're fun and inspire me
And I think you're much more than all right
I was a sad sight before that fateful day
Just another forgettable klutz
It was you Pinkie Pie who upturned my sad life
Threw the party that made me go nuts
It was you who inspired my partying
It was you, my role model, Miss Pie
So if I have spread joy to each girl and each boy
It's because I am your alumni
La li la, li de da
La la, li le la da duh
Hear my tale o Pinkamena Pie
Hear my tale and rejoice
Because you are my hero o Pinkie Pie
My parties are sung with your voice."
Pinkie Pie: "Wait, my parties are what inspired you to become Equestria's premier party-planning pony?"
Cheese Sandwich: "Exactly! When I realized there was a major party to plan in Ponyville, I was ecstatic! I thought it was my chance to show you how far I'd come, so that you could be proud of knowing you'd inspired somepony else!"
Pinkie Pie: "...Yyyyeah, 'proud' was exactly the problem."
Cheese Sandwich: "Yeah. I mean, once I started actually planning Rainbow Dash's party, I just… went on autopilot and got sucked into doing my job, and I didn't notice your rather conspicuous absence. Then you challenged me, and… my ego got the better of me."
Pinkie Pie: "Same here, but worse. Look, I'm really sorry. I think what you're doing is amazeballs, and-"
Rainbow Dash: "Yadda yadda yadda mushy mushy mush! Are you two done burning daylight?! There's still a party to plan, and God-Queen Celestia won't hold the sun in place while you're sorting out your friendship issues!"
Pinkie Pie: "When Rainbow Dash is insensitively right, she's insensitively right! Let's double-team this thing!"
Cheese Sandwich: "There isn't enough hell yes in the world!"
[To the tune of "I Love Rocky Road":]
We smell that birthday cake and we start to drool
We're here to fete a pony that's awesome and cool
Yeah she rocks that rainbow mane
So let us say it again
There's just one pony good enough for this party
She's 20% cooler than anypony
Rock on, Rainbow Dash!
It's time to have an awesome birthday party baby!
Rock on, Rainbow Dash!
Let's celebrate an epic anniversary!
If you think birthday parties are all the same
Then you have yet to see our claim to fame
So blow these candles girl
And eat cake 'till you hurl
So dance on stage with all your friends to groovy beats
Don't worry about what this costs we keep receipts
We're singin'
Rock on, Rainbow Dash!
It's time to have an awesome birthday party baby!
Rock on, Rainbow Dash!
Let's celebrate an epic anniversary!
Your party rocks and rolls
It brings joy to our souls
If it lasts until sunrise that's fine with me
That's when we'll crash into our beds and get some sleep
Singin'
Rock on, Rainbow Dash!
It's time to have an awesome birthday party baby!
Rock on, Rainbow Dash!
Let's celebrate an epic anniversary!
Rock on, Rainbow Dash!
It's time to have an awesome birthday party baby!
Rock on, Rainbow Dash!
Let's celebrate an epic anniversary!
Rock on, Rainbow Dash!
It's time to have an awesome birthday party baby!
Rock on, Rainbow Dash!
Let's celebrate an epic anniversary!
Rainbow Dash: "OK, the filking got a little out of hand, but that was a party for the ages and for all ages."
Cheese Sandwich: "As it should be. Now if you'll excuse me…"
Cheese Sandwich: "Miss Pie? A little something to remember me by."
Pinkie Pie: "Wait, you're leaving me your precious rubber chicken?"
Cheese Sandwich: "Didja forget rule #24 of party-planning? Always keep a spare of everything."
Cheese Sandwich: *rides off into the sunrise with Boneless 2*
Pinkie Pie: "Who was that masked pony?"
Twilight: "...I think you're getting your iconic westerns mixed up."
But then, as cosmic forces align…
Rubber Chicken: *glows with rainbow light!*
- Location
- New Hampshire
Ah, now this is one of the best episodes. And a Pinkie Pie I actually like. She actually realized she went too far!
The Froggy Ninja
The Blade Will Never Die
Is filk parodies? I thought it was songs about sci-fi, fantasy and horror using older musical traditions, usually but not always folk.
My understanding is that a filk is when you take an existing song, and keep the melody but replace the lyrics. AKA, what Weird Al Yankovich has built most of his career on.
The Froggy Ninja
The Blade Will Never Die
No?
Filk: Filk music is a musical culture, genre, and community tied to science fiction, fantasy and horror fandom and a type of fan labor.
Parody: Parody music, or musical parody, involves changing or copying existing (usually well known) musical ideas, and/or lyrics, or copying the particular style of a composer or performer, or even a general style of music.
Zimmerwald1915
Revolutionary Defeatist
- Location
- Lake Wobegon
- Pronouns
- He/Him/His
I mean, that's just folk music (or the "folk process," if you want to get all theoretical about it).
Huh. I could have sworn...
