To be fair, he was brought in for the actual games, so there's that.
Where I Watch: My Little Pony
- Thread starter sun tzu
- Start date
- Fantasy
Games Ponies Play
Ebon Dragon: "...And the look on the arch-strategos's face when he realized what I had replaced their ammo with! Here, see, I took pictures!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Heh. Good job. At this rate, the Draka Domination will be nothing but a bad memory by the end of this month."
Ebon Dragon: "Ya know, I could get used to this. Messing up the carefully-laid plans of Lawful Evil losers across the multiverse. Who's next on the hit list?"
God-Queen Celestia: "I've got my eyes set on the Imperium of Man, but there'll be a lot of groundwork to lay there first. That galaxy is messed up."
Ebon Dragon: "Yeah, sure, why not. You finish working out the detail while I play with the Draka."
God-Queen Celestia: "Deal."
GAMES PONIES PLAY
Twilight: "So... Good luck, Spike."
Spike: "No luck needed! I'll just do the cooking by the book!"
Twilight: "I meant about the pet-sitting, Spike. Pet. Sitting."
Spike: "Oh, that."
Twilight: "I cannot help but be reminded of the time Fluttershy thought she could baby-sit the CMC."
Spike: "Relaaaax, Twilight. What's the worst that could happen?"
Twilight: *closes library door*
Twilight: "All right, I suppose he should be able to-"
Spike, inside library: "OH MY BAHAMUT THIS IS THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN!"
Twilight: "Spike, quick! Look for 'Pet Care for Derps' on shelf number-"
Rainbow Dash: "No time for that! We're gonna miss the train!"
Twilight: "...I'm gonna miss having a library in town."
Twilight: "All right, girls, let's recap: The Equestria Games need to select the next city to host them. Cadance believes that hosting them in the Crystal Empire would help its people acclimate to modern Equestria. So, per her request, we are to persuade the game inspector that this is the best choice. I don't think I need to tell you how important this is."
Rainbow Dash: "No kidding! The Equestria Games are the most important sporting event in the world!"
Applejack: "Tha Rodeolympics-"
Rainbow Dash: "Oh Celestia, I'm falling asleep just from hearing that name! Nope, the Equestria Games are where it's at. I will never forget that day..."
[flashback!]
Li'll Dashie: "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! They're so totally gonna announce that we're hosting the Equestria Games!"
Announcer: "And thus, after careful examination, we have reached the following conclusion: Cloudesdale, in fact, is made of clouds, and thus unfit for the presence of most athletes and would-be spectators. As such, the games will not be held here, but in Fillydelphia."
Announcer: "Again."
Announcer: "Seriously, why are you even asking? Are you guys emotional masochists or something?"
Li'l Dashie: "I HAVE LOST THE WILL TO LIVE!"
[/flashback!]
Rainbow Dash: "Forever sad... Forever miserable... Crying myself to sleep every night since then..."
Rarity: "Lovely melodrama, my dear. I give it an A-."
Rainbow Dash: "Right. But the point is, these crystal ponies are still recovering from magical depression, and we're not letting them experience the soul-crushing pain of being passed on for the Equestria Games. So let's go there, kick flank, save the souls of the Crystal Empire, and resolve my foalhood issues!"
Twilight: "Well said, minus the stupid parts! Cadance is counting on us. Are we going to let her down?!"
Pinkie Pie: "BIG NOOOOO!"
Pinkie Pie: "What? That was the answer to the question!"
Twilight: "You're weird. Has anyone ever told you that? You're weird."
In the Crystal Empire:
Pinkie Pie: "Hey, look at that tower! Hey, look at that lamp-post! Hey, look at that bench! Hey look at that wall! Hey, look at..."
Applejack: "So this is what happens when ya combine ADD with tha shiniest place in Equestria."
Twilight: "I'll say. From the looks of it, the entire population is polishing, cleaning, and preparing for the games. I guess they really want a change of pace, considering..."
Rainbow Dash: *grabs sports-fan foal* "Ah, yes. The excitement over the upcoming Equestria Games. I remember it well, child. Even moreso, I remember the crushing disappointment that poisoned my soul when my hometown was rejected, leaving me a pale shadow of a pony, forever to wallow in my soul's filth and misery..."
Foal: "I need an adult."
Rainbow Dash: "I am an adult."
Twilight: "An adult who's stepping away from that foal right now. As are the rest of you. Yoink, as they say."
Cadance: "Twilight!"
Twilight: "Cadance!"
Cadance&Twilight: "Sunshine, shinshine, ladybug's awake! Clap your hooves and do a little shake!"
Cadance: "Ha! That'll never get old!"
Twilight: "Ha, yeah. But, seriously, pass me a hair so I can run my DNA test spell on it."
Rarity: "Oh my... Is this the imperial Spa?"
Cadance: "But of course. Feel free to try the crystal mud bath."
Twilight: "Crystal mud bath? You mean... Water mixed with crystals that have been ground to fine dust, or-"
Pinkie Pie: "PARTY CANNONBALLLLLL!"
Twilight: "Pinkie! This is a serious occasion, and we need to focus on the task at hand! Proper order is required to-"
Cadance: "Twilight?"
Twilight: "Yes?"
Cadance: "Take a deep breath..."
Twilight: *Takes a deep breath...*
Cadance: "...and throw your cares away."
Twilight: *...and throws her cares away.*
Cadance: "Remember now? I taught you this relaxing exercise back when you were freaking out because you couldn't memorize your entire schoolbooks before the first day of class."
Twilight: "Wow, that takes me back. I don't think I've done it in years."
Cadance: "Yyyyyeah, I kinda figured as much."
Cadance: "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get this ceremonial headdress..."
Rarity: "You may consider my interest piqued."
Cadance: "Well, traditionally, the ruler of the Crystal Empire needs to weave gems into their mane according to a specific pattern on official occasions. Since Her Auntness has appointed me the acting governor for now, I figured I should show the game inspector I've done my homework."
Pony from Hermes Messengers Inc.: "Your highness, I have bad news, and good news. The bad news are that the stylist who was going to arrange your headdress has influenza, and can't help you with this urgent matter."
Cadance: "Oh. Well, make sure she gets good medical care. Who else here knows the traditional headdress art?"
Stylist Pony: "Ah, nopony. Most of us are actually kinda new at this job. Back during his reign of terror, Dark Chicken waged a campaign of extermination against ethnic minorities and mane-dressers."
Rarity: "Why mane-dressers?"
Stylist Pony: "That's what bothers you? You're so racist."
Cadance: *throws her cares away* "All right... I suppose one small detail won't ruin everyth-"
Rainbow Dash: "Ohhhh no. You're not going to start cutting corners on this."
Rarity: "If I may suggest... perhaps today is the day the Underdark lends a hoof to the Crystal Empire. As an artistic genius, I would be honored to undertake this task."
Cadance: "Then you have my gratitude, Empress Rarity, Tyrant of the Underdark. Here is the list of instructions."
Rarity: "Right, just give me a few hours and HOLY CELESTIA WHAT KIND OF SADIST USES THE MANDELBROT SET FOR A MANECUT?!"
Cadance: "I'll... leave you to your task for now. Messenger, you said you also also had good news?"
Messenger Pony: "Yes. The good news are that the games inspector, Miss Harshwhinny, will be arriving earlier than expected, with the incoming train."
Messenger Pony: "That's good news, you see, because it means that all our efforts are futile anyway and we can commit honorable seppuku now."
Cadance: *has performed an illegal operation and must shut down*
Rainbow Dash: "We have 15 minutes! That's bad! Not good! Bad!"
Rarity: "OF ALL THE WORST THINGS THAT COULD HAPPEN..."
Applejack: "This here? This here be sub-optimal."
Fluttershy: "Um, do you think I could ask the Ebon Dragon to slow down time?"
Pinkie Pie: "Stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress!"
Twilight: "Error... Error... Lesson Zero..."
Twilight: "NO." *throws her cares away*
Twilight: "I am the Pony of Plans. Rarity, how long until you can finish here?"
Rarity: "I'm a genius."
Twilight: "Good enough. The rest of us will welcome Miss Harshwhinny, and stall for time. Elemental Harmony Squad, perform and roll out!"
Twilight: "Well, this shouldn't be too hard. We've practiced this whole thing."
Rainbow Dash: "Right... but don't forget who we're dealing with: A game inspector. The exact sort of sadistic demon that would break a little filly's heart by depriving her city of well-earned Equestria Games. An entity of pure evil that lives on mind games and suffering. Her sole purpose in life: To rip souls out of ponies."
Rainbow Dash: "She will spend the whole day toying with us. Testing us. Looking for any psychological faultlines through which she can break us. So no matter what happens... Roll. With. The punches."
Mustang Pony: *gets off train*
Twilight: "Hello, and welcome to the Crystal Empire! We'll be your tour guides!"
Mustang Pony: "Wait, what? Ah didn't hire no tour guides."
Twilight: "Not as such, perhaps, but princess Cadance tasked us with welcoming you."
Mustang Pony: "Tha princess?! Ah..."
Mustang Pony: *joygasm!*
Rainbow Dash: "Careful, girls. She's just preparing to stab us in the back. Don't lower your guard."
Fluttershy: "I'll carry your bags for y-"
Gravity: "Ha! Lowered your guard!" *smacks Fluttershy*
Fluttershy: "...Right. Earth pony strength. I forgot."
And, as the welcoming committee leads Mustang Pony to the crystal castle...
Miss Harshwhinny: "Where the Everfree is the welcoming committee?! Back in Vanhoover, the welcoming committee camped for two days at the train station just to be on the safe side!"
Cadance: "Um...Rarity? I don't want to tell an expert how to do their job, but... why were you using a power drill just now?"
Rarity: "DO NOT QUESTION MY GENIUS!"
Cadance: "Not questioning! Not questioning! Just don't drill into my skull!"
Cadance: "...So, how is it going?"
Rarity: "Reality... is questioning my genius."
Rarity: "I thought that we could save precious time by skipping the step with the hydrochloric acid and the technetium, but it turned out to actually be essential."
Cadance: "Mirror."
Rarity: "...Gaze at your own peril."
Cadance: *gazes at her own peril*
Cadance: "I will not cry. I must be strong. For the sake of the people."
Cadance: *sheds single, marely tear*
Mustang Pony: "Wowzer! Tha crystal castle! Ah'd heard many legends an' tales about it, but Ah never thought Ah'd get ta see it with mah own eyes!"
Mustang Pony: "...Mah claustrophobic, nervous eyes. Mind if Ah take a stroll outside?"
Twilight: "In a moment. First of all, we'd like to give you your official welcome to the Crystal Empire!"
Mustang Pony: "Ah'm certainly not complainin', but shouldn't that sorta task be handled by, y'know, actual citizens o'tha Crystal Empire?"
Twilight: "Naaaah. We're handling this precisely because we're outsiders who had to discover the empire by ourselves. It's like all those 'For Derps' books, or those 'The Complete Stoopid's Guide To' books: The reason they're so helpful is because they were written from the perspective of someone who had to learn the subject just like the reader."
Cheerleading Act! [To the tune of "Care Bears Countdown"]
Crystal Empire!
4! 3! 2! 1!
What is shining? Shining like an earthbound star?
Gleaming bright, to the North of Equestria
Just when you think that you have seen it all
Its dazzling beauty will yet make you bawl!
Come see the Crystal Empire!
It is the jewel of the North! (It is the jewel of the North!)
Come see the Crystal Empire!
Even the junk here has much worth! (Even the junk here has much worth!)
Don't feel depressed if the world's ugly and a bore
There is more to see here, oh yes there's so much more!
Come see the Crystal Empire!
5! 4! 3! 2! 1!
Mustang Pony: "Wowzer! Ya gals are really enthusiastic about this place, and Ah gotta admit, it's contagious!"
Fluttershy: "Yay!"
Rainbow Dash: "Too early for yayifications, Fluttershy. Don't let her lull you into a false sense of security - that's when she rips your soul out."
Twilight: "I'm glad you liked it - Princess Cadance really wanted you to get the best possible welcome!"
Mustang Pony: "Really? Ah'm surprised she's heard o'me. Mah books don't sell all that well in Canterlot."
Twilight: "Of course she's heard of you! And she's insisted that you be given the five-star treatment!"
Mustang Pony: *claustrophobic attack* "Please tell me that tha five-star treatment includes a minute o'breathin' on tha balcony!"
Rainbow Dash: "Right, right. Soooo... Let's give you a tour of the castle now!"
Twilight: "Pst, Dash? We don't know the castle all that well, either."
Rainbow Dash: "Just trying to win time here, chief! We need Cadance, ASAP!"
Pinkie Pie: "A tour of the castle! Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!"
Twilight: *imagines a Pinkie tour of the crystal castle, complete with singing, resonance, and a massive pile of shattered crystals*
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: *throws her cares away*
Twilight: "All right. Pinkie, you're giving a tour. Rainbow Dash, you're keeping Pinkie from singing. Fluttershy, you look cute and distracting if anypony does something stupid. Applejack, you keep anypony from acting stupid. I'll check up on Cadance."
Meanwhile:
Miss Harshwhinny: "Nopony there to greet me... Nopony there to carry my heavy bag... Once I get a hold of that 'Cadance' character, I'm going to-"
SPLASH!
Miss Harshwhinny: "URGE TO RIP SOULS OUT OF PONIES... RISING..."
Twilight: "Rarity, how is-"
Rarity: "DO NOT ENTER! GENIUS AT WORK!"
Twilight: "But we need Cadance to-"
Rarity: "CADANCE IS NOT AVAILABLE! Her mane has turned into an eldritch abomination! I must slay it, and return a semblance of order, before she can return to the world!"
Twilight: "Rarity, it's just hair. How bad can-"
Rarity: "Imagine the kind of hair the sight of which would petrify a cockatrice. Hair so terrible to behold, it would send dragons fleeing in sheer terror. A crime against the laws of nature and sanity, which would drive good and decent ponies to lose all faith in the world."
Twilight: "Do you-"
Rarity: "I will do my work. I will save the day, and resurrect Cadance's mane. But you, my friend, you must buy us more time!"
Twilight: "...Buck my life."
Pinkie Pie: "And this room is... Well, it's got a roof! How crazy is that? A room with a roof!"
Mustang Pony: "An overbearing roof, ready ta slam down upon us, like tha sky on a village o' indomitable Gauls..."
Mustang Pony: "Mind ya, Ah love this neo-gothic architecture. Ah mean, ye're practically expectin' ta catch a glimpse o'Crystal Batman hangin' o'a ledge, amiright?"
Pinkie Pie: "Hey! Funny faces! Look at me making funny faces!"
Mustang Pony: "..."
Mustang Pony: "Gals, is yer friend havin' a stroke? Should we do somethin'?"
Twilight: "...Sooo, yeah, Cadance and Rarity will apparently need more time. How're you holding down the fort?"
Applejack: "Pinkie's gotten ta tha point where she's relyin' on her foal-sittin' experience. It ain't pretty."
Twilight: "Augh. Not good." *throws her cares away* I'll... I know! I'll ask Captain Equestria!"
Captain Equestria: "FASTER! STRONGER! If you want to compete with earth pony athletes, you're gonna have to WORK for it!"
Twilight: "Hey there, B3F2. Hard at work with the sports team, I see."
Captain Equestria: "Well, yes. In sports as with everything else, technique has come a long way since the days before King Sombra. I've had to train these ponies almost from scratch!"
Twilight: "That's great, but, we've got a situation. The games inspector is here, and if she's gonna be getting a tour of the castle, I'd rather it be done by somepony who actually knows their way around the castle."
Captain Equestria: "Can do! Don't worry, sis; we'll pull through, just like always."
Twilight: "Hey, I'm not worried!"
Twilight: "Hey... I'm... not worried?"
Twilight: "I'm... handling a very important task, with an all-too-real possibility of failure, Murphy's Law is running amuck, and I'm... staying calm and collected?"
Twilight: "THIS IS AWESOME!" *awesomely throws her cares away*
TWILIGHT HAS LEVELED UP!
Twilight: "With my new level-headedness superpowers, I shall be UNSTOPPABLE!"
Mustang Pony: "AH'M OUTSIDE! Thank Celestia! Ah'm outside!" *begins running across gymnasium*
Twilight: "WTB?"
Rainbow Dash: "So, yeah, I said I'd take her to the gymnasium to stretch her legs. Turns out it was here. No harm, no foul, right?"
Mustang Pony: *harms trainees*
Captain Equestria: "NOOOO! My precious crystal athletes!"
Rainbow Dash: "I hope you're not trying to train a wrestling theme out of this lot."
Captain Equestrian: "Make that madmare stop, or I will!"
Rainbow Dash: "No can do, cap! She's the games inspector! What she says, goes!"
Mustang Pony: *gets jar stuck over head*
Mustang Pony: "AAAAAH! AH'M IN CLAUSTROPHOBIA HELL!" *runs across town*
Rainbow Dash: "Hoo-kay. Maybe there's something to be said for restraint."
Rainbow Dash: "I'll just catch up with her and-"
Twilight: "Dash, careful! You can't go at full speed around here!"
Rainbow Dash: "Why not?"
Twilight: "You know how shockwaves can shatter glass? And how all the buildings here are made of crystal?"
Rainbow Dash: "...Oh you have gotta be foaling me."
Chase scene!
Hijinks!
Splatting like a bug on a windshield!
Rainbow Dash: "The things I do for this job..."
Mustang Pony: "Yee-haw! Ah sure needed that!"
Rainbow Dash: "Glad... to hear it..."
Mustang Pony: "An' Ah gotta say... Ah love these here wide open spaces ya got. An' really, Ah love travellin' in general! Seein' new places like this always provides inspiration for mah writin', an' it sure helps that this Crystal Empire is so beautiful!"
Captain Equestria: "Why thank you."
Mustang Pony: "Holy patootie, are ya Captain Equestria?! The Captain Equestria?!"
Captain Equestria: "Please tell me this isn't leading into a joke about the changelings' Secret Invasion."
Mustang Pony: "Mah oh mah! Ah ain't never met a national icon before! An' handsome, too!"
Captain Equestria: "Married married married!"
Captain Equestria: "...That said, in your line of work, I'd have thought you'd be meeting royalty and celebrities on a frequent basis."
Mustang Pony: "Oh, hardly! Us strugglin' authors ain't exactly jet-set material, y'know."
Penny: *drops*
Twilight: "Ha ha ha! How funny! How droll! How well-spoken, Miss Harshwhinny, Equestria Games inspector!"
Mustang Pony: "Who where what now?"
Rainbow Dash: "A-a-a-a-a-a-a m-mistaken identity?"
Pinkie Pie: "BIGNOOOOOYEEEEES!"
Horseton, we have cognition!
Rainbow Dash: "FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"
Twilight: *throws her cares away*
Twilight: *throws her cares away*
Twilight: *throws her cares away!*
Twilight: *throws her cares away!*
Twilight: *throws her cares away!*
While our hapless heroines search across the Crystal Empire...
Miss Harshwhinny: "...and that's how I have to visit every damn city that thinks it's such a special snowflake, it deserves to host the games more than any other city that thinks it's a special snowflake. And they aaaaalway try to show their very best side, like they think I'm some kind of gullible idiot who can't see the truth behind the facade."
Mustang Pony: "Well fer what it's worth, Ah'm havin' a blast since Ah got here!"
Miss Harshwhinny: "Oh really. And what exactly do you find so enjoyable about this town?"
Mustang Pony: "Let me tell you..."
Rainbow Dash: "Oh sweet Celestia, the inspector and Cadance are both inside the Spa!"
Rainbow Dash: "Our only hope now is to stealthily approach Cadance, pull her away before Harshwhinny notices her, explain everything, and-"
Rarity: "BEHOLD MY GENIUS! Princess Cadance is now coiffed in the grand crystal tradition!"
Miss Harshwhinny: "CADANCE?! HERE?!"
Rainbow Dash: "...and throw ourselves off a cliff with our wings glued to our backsides."
Miss Harshwhinny: "PRINCESS CADANCE! In my line of work, I have been put through many welcoming committee! I have watched the Manehattan delegation devolve into a street brawl! I have dealt with the Los Pegasus delegation trying to bribe me with a starring movie role! But I have never had to deal with a reception as poor as I have received here!"
Cadance: "W-w-what was wrong was the welcoming committee?"
Miss Harshwhinny: "My main complaint about it would be its severe lack of existence."
Cadance: "..."
Cadance: "Twilight? 'Splaining to do. Please?"
Twilight: "Well... You see..."
Rainbow Dash: "It's our fault. We should have stayed in Ponyville, 'cause we are a menace to society who make everything worse outside of it."
Rainbow Dash: "When I was a filly, I was traumatized for life by Cloudesdale being passed over for the Equestria Games..."
Miss Harshwhinny: "Kiddo, you realize your city is made of clouds, right? And that two thirds of Equestria's population would fall through the floor?"
Rainbow Dash: "Sh, the ponies with actual souls are talking."
Rainbow Dash: "Anyway... This trauma drove me to overdo it. Or maybe that had nothing to do with it and we just failed because we're idiots. Long story short is... We welcomed the wrong pony."
Mustang Pony: "No offence intended, Ah'm sure."
Rainbow Dash: "And that's the story of how we ruined everything forever. Really sorry."
Miss Harshwhinny: "The cheerleading number was a nice effort, though. Kinda dumb, but it displayed nice work ethics."
Rainbow Dash: "Nopony asked y... Wait. How do you even know about that?"
Miss Harshwhinny: "My friend here has been telling me about her stay at the Crystal Empire. Doing so rather impressively, in fact."
Mustang Pony: "Well, it's mah job. Ever since tha day Ah got a cutie mark fer tellin' tha world's greatest chicken joke, Ah've been workin' as a writer, an author, a storyteller. Ah was just done tellin' her tha tale o' how y'all welcomed me ta this gorgeous land."
Miss Harshwhinny: "It's the most beautiful story I've ever heard. I think I cried a little. The way she was telling it, it was practically like living it myself."
Rainbow Dash: "So you're convinced now that the Crystal Empire is a great place for the games after all, because while we weren't there to welcome you, at least somepony received an awesome welcome?"
Miss Harshwhinny: "..."
Miss Harshwhinny: "Er, yes. Sure. That's totally it."
Cadance: "...and thus, through a process that, much like sausage-making, is best left unexplored, our fair city has been selected to host the next Equestria Games!"
Crowd: "Yay! Megan bless us, everyone!"
Rainbow Dash: *grabs sports-fan foal* "You hear that?! WE DID IT! Sweet, sweet vindication!"
Foal: "I need an adult."
Rainbow Dash: "I am an adult."
Rainbow Dash: "Shame Spike didn't come, he would have loved this."
Applejack: "Ya think Spike is handlin' everythin' fine?"
Twilight: "Depends, I guess. He's my brother, after all. We've got far more in common than meets the eye." *throws her cares away* "If he stays focused on what's important... if he doesn't let himself get distracted by the wrong things... then I believe he can be one heck of a leader!"
Spike: "I felt a great disturbance in the timestream, as if it would have made more sense to air episodes in a different order. I fear that something irritating has happened."
"Dear God-Queen Celestia,
"I have checked the Crystal Empire out, and, while it certainly has certain issues, and wouldn't by any stretch of the imagination make the best possible host for the Equestria Games, I can't say I have found any obstacle that would truly make the games impractical to hold there. As such, I will agree to your request, and have the games held in this newest addition to our nation.
"While I do not care much for the political aspect of this job, I understand that the original purpose of the Equestria Game was to reinforce national unity and bring our various provinces together. I do hope that the games can help the Crystal Empire integrate Equestria's greater society as you intend. (That we need to inject modern Equestrian currency into the crystal ponies' economy is not lost on me, either.) But if you knew the excuses I had to make...
"Your loyal subject,
"Fairjudge Harshwhinny."
God-Queen Celestia: "Heh. Good job. At this rate, the Draka Domination will be nothing but a bad memory by the end of this month."
Ebon Dragon: "Ya know, I could get used to this. Messing up the carefully-laid plans of Lawful Evil losers across the multiverse. Who's next on the hit list?"
God-Queen Celestia: "I've got my eyes set on the Imperium of Man, but there'll be a lot of groundwork to lay there first. That galaxy is messed up."
Ebon Dragon: "Yeah, sure, why not. You finish working out the detail while I play with the Draka."
God-Queen Celestia: "Deal."
GAMES PONIES PLAY
Twilight: "So... Good luck, Spike."
Spike: "No luck needed! I'll just do the cooking by the book!"
Twilight: "I meant about the pet-sitting, Spike. Pet. Sitting."
Spike: "Oh, that."
Twilight: "I cannot help but be reminded of the time Fluttershy thought she could baby-sit the CMC."
Spike: "Relaaaax, Twilight. What's the worst that could happen?"
Twilight: *closes library door*
Twilight: "All right, I suppose he should be able to-"
Spike, inside library: "OH MY BAHAMUT THIS IS THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN!"
Twilight: "Spike, quick! Look for 'Pet Care for Derps' on shelf number-"
Rainbow Dash: "No time for that! We're gonna miss the train!"
Twilight: "...I'm gonna miss having a library in town."
Twilight: "All right, girls, let's recap: The Equestria Games need to select the next city to host them. Cadance believes that hosting them in the Crystal Empire would help its people acclimate to modern Equestria. So, per her request, we are to persuade the game inspector that this is the best choice. I don't think I need to tell you how important this is."
Rainbow Dash: "No kidding! The Equestria Games are the most important sporting event in the world!"
Applejack: "Tha Rodeolympics-"
Rainbow Dash: "Oh Celestia, I'm falling asleep just from hearing that name! Nope, the Equestria Games are where it's at. I will never forget that day..."
[flashback!]
Li'll Dashie: "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! They're so totally gonna announce that we're hosting the Equestria Games!"
Announcer: "And thus, after careful examination, we have reached the following conclusion: Cloudesdale, in fact, is made of clouds, and thus unfit for the presence of most athletes and would-be spectators. As such, the games will not be held here, but in Fillydelphia."
Announcer: "Again."
Announcer: "Seriously, why are you even asking? Are you guys emotional masochists or something?"
Li'l Dashie: "I HAVE LOST THE WILL TO LIVE!"
[/flashback!]
Rainbow Dash: "Forever sad... Forever miserable... Crying myself to sleep every night since then..."
Rarity: "Lovely melodrama, my dear. I give it an A-."
Rainbow Dash: "Right. But the point is, these crystal ponies are still recovering from magical depression, and we're not letting them experience the soul-crushing pain of being passed on for the Equestria Games. So let's go there, kick flank, save the souls of the Crystal Empire, and resolve my foalhood issues!"
Twilight: "Well said, minus the stupid parts! Cadance is counting on us. Are we going to let her down?!"
Pinkie Pie: "BIG NOOOOO!"
Pinkie Pie: "What? That was the answer to the question!"
Twilight: "You're weird. Has anyone ever told you that? You're weird."
In the Crystal Empire:
Pinkie Pie: "Hey, look at that tower! Hey, look at that lamp-post! Hey, look at that bench! Hey look at that wall! Hey, look at..."
Applejack: "So this is what happens when ya combine ADD with tha shiniest place in Equestria."
Twilight: "I'll say. From the looks of it, the entire population is polishing, cleaning, and preparing for the games. I guess they really want a change of pace, considering..."
Rainbow Dash: *grabs sports-fan foal* "Ah, yes. The excitement over the upcoming Equestria Games. I remember it well, child. Even moreso, I remember the crushing disappointment that poisoned my soul when my hometown was rejected, leaving me a pale shadow of a pony, forever to wallow in my soul's filth and misery..."
Foal: "I need an adult."
Rainbow Dash: "I am an adult."
Twilight: "An adult who's stepping away from that foal right now. As are the rest of you. Yoink, as they say."
Cadance: "Twilight!"
Twilight: "Cadance!"
Cadance&Twilight: "Sunshine, shinshine, ladybug's awake! Clap your hooves and do a little shake!"
Cadance: "Ha! That'll never get old!"
Twilight: "Ha, yeah. But, seriously, pass me a hair so I can run my DNA test spell on it."
Rarity: "Oh my... Is this the imperial Spa?"
Cadance: "But of course. Feel free to try the crystal mud bath."
Twilight: "Crystal mud bath? You mean... Water mixed with crystals that have been ground to fine dust, or-"
Pinkie Pie: "PARTY CANNONBALLLLLL!"
Twilight: "Pinkie! This is a serious occasion, and we need to focus on the task at hand! Proper order is required to-"
Cadance: "Twilight?"
Twilight: "Yes?"
Cadance: "Take a deep breath..."
Twilight: *Takes a deep breath...*
Cadance: "...and throw your cares away."
Twilight: *...and throws her cares away.*
Cadance: "Remember now? I taught you this relaxing exercise back when you were freaking out because you couldn't memorize your entire schoolbooks before the first day of class."
Twilight: "Wow, that takes me back. I don't think I've done it in years."
Cadance: "Yyyyyeah, I kinda figured as much."
Cadance: "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get this ceremonial headdress..."
Rarity: "You may consider my interest piqued."
Cadance: "Well, traditionally, the ruler of the Crystal Empire needs to weave gems into their mane according to a specific pattern on official occasions. Since Her Auntness has appointed me the acting governor for now, I figured I should show the game inspector I've done my homework."
Pony from Hermes Messengers Inc.: "Your highness, I have bad news, and good news. The bad news are that the stylist who was going to arrange your headdress has influenza, and can't help you with this urgent matter."
Cadance: "Oh. Well, make sure she gets good medical care. Who else here knows the traditional headdress art?"
Stylist Pony: "Ah, nopony. Most of us are actually kinda new at this job. Back during his reign of terror, Dark Chicken waged a campaign of extermination against ethnic minorities and mane-dressers."
Rarity: "Why mane-dressers?"
Stylist Pony: "That's what bothers you? You're so racist."
Cadance: *throws her cares away* "All right... I suppose one small detail won't ruin everyth-"
Rainbow Dash: "Ohhhh no. You're not going to start cutting corners on this."
Rarity: "If I may suggest... perhaps today is the day the Underdark lends a hoof to the Crystal Empire. As an artistic genius, I would be honored to undertake this task."
Cadance: "Then you have my gratitude, Empress Rarity, Tyrant of the Underdark. Here is the list of instructions."
Rarity: "Right, just give me a few hours and HOLY CELESTIA WHAT KIND OF SADIST USES THE MANDELBROT SET FOR A MANECUT?!"
Cadance: "I'll... leave you to your task for now. Messenger, you said you also also had good news?"
Messenger Pony: "Yes. The good news are that the games inspector, Miss Harshwhinny, will be arriving earlier than expected, with the incoming train."
Messenger Pony: "That's good news, you see, because it means that all our efforts are futile anyway and we can commit honorable seppuku now."
Cadance: *has performed an illegal operation and must shut down*
Rainbow Dash: "We have 15 minutes! That's bad! Not good! Bad!"
Rarity: "OF ALL THE WORST THINGS THAT COULD HAPPEN..."
Applejack: "This here? This here be sub-optimal."
Fluttershy: "Um, do you think I could ask the Ebon Dragon to slow down time?"
Pinkie Pie: "Stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress!"
Twilight: "Error... Error... Lesson Zero..."
Twilight: "NO." *throws her cares away*
Twilight: "I am the Pony of Plans. Rarity, how long until you can finish here?"
Rarity: "I'm a genius."
Twilight: "Good enough. The rest of us will welcome Miss Harshwhinny, and stall for time. Elemental Harmony Squad, perform and roll out!"
Twilight: "Well, this shouldn't be too hard. We've practiced this whole thing."
Rainbow Dash: "Right... but don't forget who we're dealing with: A game inspector. The exact sort of sadistic demon that would break a little filly's heart by depriving her city of well-earned Equestria Games. An entity of pure evil that lives on mind games and suffering. Her sole purpose in life: To rip souls out of ponies."
Rainbow Dash: "She will spend the whole day toying with us. Testing us. Looking for any psychological faultlines through which she can break us. So no matter what happens... Roll. With. The punches."
Mustang Pony: *gets off train*
Twilight: "Hello, and welcome to the Crystal Empire! We'll be your tour guides!"
Mustang Pony: "Wait, what? Ah didn't hire no tour guides."
Twilight: "Not as such, perhaps, but princess Cadance tasked us with welcoming you."
Mustang Pony: "Tha princess?! Ah..."
Mustang Pony: *joygasm!*
Rainbow Dash: "Careful, girls. She's just preparing to stab us in the back. Don't lower your guard."
Fluttershy: "I'll carry your bags for y-"
Gravity: "Ha! Lowered your guard!" *smacks Fluttershy*
Fluttershy: "...Right. Earth pony strength. I forgot."
And, as the welcoming committee leads Mustang Pony to the crystal castle...
Miss Harshwhinny: "Where the Everfree is the welcoming committee?! Back in Vanhoover, the welcoming committee camped for two days at the train station just to be on the safe side!"
Cadance: "Um...Rarity? I don't want to tell an expert how to do their job, but... why were you using a power drill just now?"
Rarity: "DO NOT QUESTION MY GENIUS!"
Cadance: "Not questioning! Not questioning! Just don't drill into my skull!"
Cadance: "...So, how is it going?"
Rarity: "Reality... is questioning my genius."
Rarity: "I thought that we could save precious time by skipping the step with the hydrochloric acid and the technetium, but it turned out to actually be essential."
Cadance: "Mirror."
Rarity: "...Gaze at your own peril."
Cadance: *gazes at her own peril*
Cadance: "I will not cry. I must be strong. For the sake of the people."
Cadance: *sheds single, marely tear*
Mustang Pony: "Wowzer! Tha crystal castle! Ah'd heard many legends an' tales about it, but Ah never thought Ah'd get ta see it with mah own eyes!"
Mustang Pony: "...Mah claustrophobic, nervous eyes. Mind if Ah take a stroll outside?"
Twilight: "In a moment. First of all, we'd like to give you your official welcome to the Crystal Empire!"
Mustang Pony: "Ah'm certainly not complainin', but shouldn't that sorta task be handled by, y'know, actual citizens o'tha Crystal Empire?"
Twilight: "Naaaah. We're handling this precisely because we're outsiders who had to discover the empire by ourselves. It's like all those 'For Derps' books, or those 'The Complete Stoopid's Guide To' books: The reason they're so helpful is because they were written from the perspective of someone who had to learn the subject just like the reader."
Cheerleading Act! [To the tune of "Care Bears Countdown"]
Crystal Empire!
4! 3! 2! 1!
What is shining? Shining like an earthbound star?
Gleaming bright, to the North of Equestria
Just when you think that you have seen it all
Its dazzling beauty will yet make you bawl!
Come see the Crystal Empire!
It is the jewel of the North! (It is the jewel of the North!)
Come see the Crystal Empire!
Even the junk here has much worth! (Even the junk here has much worth!)
Don't feel depressed if the world's ugly and a bore
There is more to see here, oh yes there's so much more!
Come see the Crystal Empire!
5! 4! 3! 2! 1!
Mustang Pony: "Wowzer! Ya gals are really enthusiastic about this place, and Ah gotta admit, it's contagious!"
Fluttershy: "Yay!"
Rainbow Dash: "Too early for yayifications, Fluttershy. Don't let her lull you into a false sense of security - that's when she rips your soul out."
Twilight: "I'm glad you liked it - Princess Cadance really wanted you to get the best possible welcome!"
Mustang Pony: "Really? Ah'm surprised she's heard o'me. Mah books don't sell all that well in Canterlot."
Twilight: "Of course she's heard of you! And she's insisted that you be given the five-star treatment!"
Mustang Pony: *claustrophobic attack* "Please tell me that tha five-star treatment includes a minute o'breathin' on tha balcony!"
Rainbow Dash: "Right, right. Soooo... Let's give you a tour of the castle now!"
Twilight: "Pst, Dash? We don't know the castle all that well, either."
Rainbow Dash: "Just trying to win time here, chief! We need Cadance, ASAP!"
Pinkie Pie: "A tour of the castle! Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!"
Twilight: *imagines a Pinkie tour of the crystal castle, complete with singing, resonance, and a massive pile of shattered crystals*
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: *throws her cares away*
Twilight: "All right. Pinkie, you're giving a tour. Rainbow Dash, you're keeping Pinkie from singing. Fluttershy, you look cute and distracting if anypony does something stupid. Applejack, you keep anypony from acting stupid. I'll check up on Cadance."
Meanwhile:
Miss Harshwhinny: "Nopony there to greet me... Nopony there to carry my heavy bag... Once I get a hold of that 'Cadance' character, I'm going to-"
SPLASH!
Miss Harshwhinny: "URGE TO RIP SOULS OUT OF PONIES... RISING..."
Twilight: "Rarity, how is-"
Rarity: "DO NOT ENTER! GENIUS AT WORK!"
Twilight: "But we need Cadance to-"
Rarity: "CADANCE IS NOT AVAILABLE! Her mane has turned into an eldritch abomination! I must slay it, and return a semblance of order, before she can return to the world!"
Twilight: "Rarity, it's just hair. How bad can-"
Rarity: "Imagine the kind of hair the sight of which would petrify a cockatrice. Hair so terrible to behold, it would send dragons fleeing in sheer terror. A crime against the laws of nature and sanity, which would drive good and decent ponies to lose all faith in the world."
Twilight: "Do you-"
Rarity: "I will do my work. I will save the day, and resurrect Cadance's mane. But you, my friend, you must buy us more time!"
Twilight: "...Buck my life."
Pinkie Pie: "And this room is... Well, it's got a roof! How crazy is that? A room with a roof!"
Mustang Pony: "An overbearing roof, ready ta slam down upon us, like tha sky on a village o' indomitable Gauls..."
Mustang Pony: "Mind ya, Ah love this neo-gothic architecture. Ah mean, ye're practically expectin' ta catch a glimpse o'Crystal Batman hangin' o'a ledge, amiright?"
Pinkie Pie: "Hey! Funny faces! Look at me making funny faces!"
Mustang Pony: "..."
Mustang Pony: "Gals, is yer friend havin' a stroke? Should we do somethin'?"
Twilight: "...Sooo, yeah, Cadance and Rarity will apparently need more time. How're you holding down the fort?"
Applejack: "Pinkie's gotten ta tha point where she's relyin' on her foal-sittin' experience. It ain't pretty."
Twilight: "Augh. Not good." *throws her cares away* I'll... I know! I'll ask Captain Equestria!"
Captain Equestria: "FASTER! STRONGER! If you want to compete with earth pony athletes, you're gonna have to WORK for it!"
Twilight: "Hey there, B3F2. Hard at work with the sports team, I see."
Captain Equestria: "Well, yes. In sports as with everything else, technique has come a long way since the days before King Sombra. I've had to train these ponies almost from scratch!"
Twilight: "That's great, but, we've got a situation. The games inspector is here, and if she's gonna be getting a tour of the castle, I'd rather it be done by somepony who actually knows their way around the castle."
Captain Equestria: "Can do! Don't worry, sis; we'll pull through, just like always."
Twilight: "Hey, I'm not worried!"
Twilight: "Hey... I'm... not worried?"
Twilight: "I'm... handling a very important task, with an all-too-real possibility of failure, Murphy's Law is running amuck, and I'm... staying calm and collected?"
Twilight: "THIS IS AWESOME!" *awesomely throws her cares away*
TWILIGHT HAS LEVELED UP!
Twilight: "With my new level-headedness superpowers, I shall be UNSTOPPABLE!"
Mustang Pony: "AH'M OUTSIDE! Thank Celestia! Ah'm outside!" *begins running across gymnasium*
Twilight: "WTB?"
Rainbow Dash: "So, yeah, I said I'd take her to the gymnasium to stretch her legs. Turns out it was here. No harm, no foul, right?"
Mustang Pony: *harms trainees*
Captain Equestria: "NOOOO! My precious crystal athletes!"
Rainbow Dash: "I hope you're not trying to train a wrestling theme out of this lot."
Captain Equestrian: "Make that madmare stop, or I will!"
Rainbow Dash: "No can do, cap! She's the games inspector! What she says, goes!"
Mustang Pony: *gets jar stuck over head*
Mustang Pony: "AAAAAH! AH'M IN CLAUSTROPHOBIA HELL!" *runs across town*
Rainbow Dash: "Hoo-kay. Maybe there's something to be said for restraint."
Rainbow Dash: "I'll just catch up with her and-"
Twilight: "Dash, careful! You can't go at full speed around here!"
Rainbow Dash: "Why not?"
Twilight: "You know how shockwaves can shatter glass? And how all the buildings here are made of crystal?"
Rainbow Dash: "...Oh you have gotta be foaling me."
Chase scene!
Hijinks!
Splatting like a bug on a windshield!
Rainbow Dash: "The things I do for this job..."
Mustang Pony: "Yee-haw! Ah sure needed that!"
Rainbow Dash: "Glad... to hear it..."
Mustang Pony: "An' Ah gotta say... Ah love these here wide open spaces ya got. An' really, Ah love travellin' in general! Seein' new places like this always provides inspiration for mah writin', an' it sure helps that this Crystal Empire is so beautiful!"
Captain Equestria: "Why thank you."
Mustang Pony: "Holy patootie, are ya Captain Equestria?! The Captain Equestria?!"
Captain Equestria: "Please tell me this isn't leading into a joke about the changelings' Secret Invasion."
Mustang Pony: "Mah oh mah! Ah ain't never met a national icon before! An' handsome, too!"
Captain Equestria: "Married married married!"
Captain Equestria: "...That said, in your line of work, I'd have thought you'd be meeting royalty and celebrities on a frequent basis."
Mustang Pony: "Oh, hardly! Us strugglin' authors ain't exactly jet-set material, y'know."
Penny: *drops*
Twilight: "Ha ha ha! How funny! How droll! How well-spoken, Miss Harshwhinny, Equestria Games inspector!"
Mustang Pony: "Who where what now?"
Rainbow Dash: "A-a-a-a-a-a-a m-mistaken identity?"
Pinkie Pie: "BIG
Horseton, we have cognition!
Rainbow Dash: "FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"
Twilight: *throws her cares away*
Twilight: *throws her cares away*
Twilight: *throws her cares away!*
Twilight: *throws her cares away!*
Twilight: *throws her cares away!*
While our hapless heroines search across the Crystal Empire...
Miss Harshwhinny: "...and that's how I have to visit every damn city that thinks it's such a special snowflake, it deserves to host the games more than any other city that thinks it's a special snowflake. And they aaaaalway try to show their very best side, like they think I'm some kind of gullible idiot who can't see the truth behind the facade."
Mustang Pony: "Well fer what it's worth, Ah'm havin' a blast since Ah got here!"
Miss Harshwhinny: "Oh really. And what exactly do you find so enjoyable about this town?"
Mustang Pony: "Let me tell you..."
Rainbow Dash: "Oh sweet Celestia, the inspector and Cadance are both inside the Spa!"
Rainbow Dash: "Our only hope now is to stealthily approach Cadance, pull her away before Harshwhinny notices her, explain everything, and-"
Rarity: "BEHOLD MY GENIUS! Princess Cadance is now coiffed in the grand crystal tradition!"
Miss Harshwhinny: "CADANCE?! HERE?!"
Rainbow Dash: "...and throw ourselves off a cliff with our wings glued to our backsides."
Miss Harshwhinny: "PRINCESS CADANCE! In my line of work, I have been put through many welcoming committee! I have watched the Manehattan delegation devolve into a street brawl! I have dealt with the Los Pegasus delegation trying to bribe me with a starring movie role! But I have never had to deal with a reception as poor as I have received here!"
Cadance: "W-w-what was wrong was the welcoming committee?"
Miss Harshwhinny: "My main complaint about it would be its severe lack of existence."
Cadance: "..."
Cadance: "Twilight? 'Splaining to do. Please?"
Twilight: "Well... You see..."
Rainbow Dash: "It's our fault. We should have stayed in Ponyville, 'cause we are a menace to society who make everything worse outside of it."
Rainbow Dash: "When I was a filly, I was traumatized for life by Cloudesdale being passed over for the Equestria Games..."
Miss Harshwhinny: "Kiddo, you realize your city is made of clouds, right? And that two thirds of Equestria's population would fall through the floor?"
Rainbow Dash: "Sh, the ponies with actual souls are talking."
Rainbow Dash: "Anyway... This trauma drove me to overdo it. Or maybe that had nothing to do with it and we just failed because we're idiots. Long story short is... We welcomed the wrong pony."
Mustang Pony: "No offence intended, Ah'm sure."
Rainbow Dash: "And that's the story of how we ruined everything forever. Really sorry."
Miss Harshwhinny: "The cheerleading number was a nice effort, though. Kinda dumb, but it displayed nice work ethics."
Rainbow Dash: "Nopony asked y... Wait. How do you even know about that?"
Miss Harshwhinny: "My friend here has been telling me about her stay at the Crystal Empire. Doing so rather impressively, in fact."
Mustang Pony: "Well, it's mah job. Ever since tha day Ah got a cutie mark fer tellin' tha world's greatest chicken joke, Ah've been workin' as a writer, an author, a storyteller. Ah was just done tellin' her tha tale o' how y'all welcomed me ta this gorgeous land."
Miss Harshwhinny: "It's the most beautiful story I've ever heard. I think I cried a little. The way she was telling it, it was practically like living it myself."
Rainbow Dash: "So you're convinced now that the Crystal Empire is a great place for the games after all, because while we weren't there to welcome you, at least somepony received an awesome welcome?"
Miss Harshwhinny: "..."
Miss Harshwhinny: "Er, yes. Sure. That's totally it."
Cadance: "...and thus, through a process that, much like sausage-making, is best left unexplored, our fair city has been selected to host the next Equestria Games!"
Crowd: "Yay! Megan bless us, everyone!"
Rainbow Dash: *grabs sports-fan foal* "You hear that?! WE DID IT! Sweet, sweet vindication!"
Foal: "I need an adult."
Rainbow Dash: "I am an adult."
Rainbow Dash: "Shame Spike didn't come, he would have loved this."
Applejack: "Ya think Spike is handlin' everythin' fine?"
Twilight: "Depends, I guess. He's my brother, after all. We've got far more in common than meets the eye." *throws her cares away* "If he stays focused on what's important... if he doesn't let himself get distracted by the wrong things... then I believe he can be one heck of a leader!"
Spike: "I felt a great disturbance in the timestream, as if it would have made more sense to air episodes in a different order. I fear that something irritating has happened."
"Dear God-Queen Celestia,
"I have checked the Crystal Empire out, and, while it certainly has certain issues, and wouldn't by any stretch of the imagination make the best possible host for the Equestria Games, I can't say I have found any obstacle that would truly make the games impractical to hold there. As such, I will agree to your request, and have the games held in this newest addition to our nation.
"While I do not care much for the political aspect of this job, I understand that the original purpose of the Equestria Game was to reinforce national unity and bring our various provinces together. I do hope that the games can help the Crystal Empire integrate Equestria's greater society as you intend. (That we need to inject modern Equestrian currency into the crystal ponies' economy is not lost on me, either.) But if you knew the excuses I had to make...
"Your loyal subject,
"Fairjudge Harshwhinny."
- Location
- New Hampshire
Part of me wants to say that no, this isn't endearing Discord to me. part of me also wants to say have him hook up with Ciaphas Cain-HERO OF THE IMPERIUM!
Eh, this one has a severely bad lesson for the kids. The Mane Six should've checked out to make sure the person they thought was Harshwhinny... was Harshwhinny. That's a lesson kidas 100% need. Don't go off with a stranger. I'm sorry, sun tzu, but that's not a good thing at all.
Hey, I don't write the episodes. I just write the parodic script fic retellings.
- Location
- New Hampshire
And I'm just giving my view on the episode's shortcomings.Hey, I don't write the episodes. I just write the parodic script fic retellings.
Magical Mystery Cure
Ebon Dragon: "...and the hardest part was keeping a straight face while I sloooowly explained what had been going on with the Imperium while he'd been in his coma. I could watch those veins popping for hours!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Excellently done, Ebon Dragon. With the God-Emperor of Mankind restored, the Imperium will take some initial steps toward becoming a bit less of a force for grimdark horror."
Ebon Dragon: "Well, some abject humiliation might also help there."
God-Queen Celestia: "If applied correctly."
Ebon Dragon: "I'm also experimenting with some of the Tyranids. Convincing them that Nekrons have tasty flesh under that metal armor seems to work out well. Soooo... What didja do with the Dark Eldar?"
God-Quen Celestia: "Well... First, I let them 'find' a Space Bridge I made using Wheeljack's blueprints..."
Ebon Dragon: "Go on..."
God-Queen Celestia: "So they took it home, figuring it would allow them to transport their forces anywhere instantly, even faster than their previous modes of faster-than-light travel."
Ebon Dragon: "So you gave a civilization of sadists improved mobility? What's the catch?"
God-Queen Celestia: "The catch is that once they'd brought in the Space Bridge, I used it to transport their entire world-city to an isolated star system that was floating adrift outside the galaxy. Leaving the Space Bridge behind, of course. No FTL, no more raiding the galaxy for them."
Ebon Dragon: "Clever. But don't they have a gazillion prisoners? Won't they just start breeding them like livestock now?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Possibly. But that was just step one. Step two will have to wait until I start things up with the Orks. And for now, I'm working with Optimus and Serenity on figuring out the best way to close the Eye of Terror."
Ebon Dragon: "Good luck with that. I'm going to go screw with that Ciaphas guy's head some more."
God-Queen Celestia: "Oh be nice."
God-Queen Luna: *examines Star-Swirl's notebook*
God-Queen Luna: "So... you say that phase 6 is complete?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Indeed, Luna. My faithful student has progressed to the next level. Fighting Sombra, she learned to make decisions going against my authority. Following my directions, she has been pushing the boundaries of her magical skills and knowledge. Under Zecora's tutelage, she has improved her focus, and learned to vary her methods, instead of treating every problem like a nail for her magical hammer. With Cadance, she has learned how to keep her wits about her under stress."
God-Queen Celestia: "Over the past few months, she has become the premier archmage of Equestria's recent history. In terms of pure power and finesse, I'd say she is roughly on par with Star-Swirl now."
God-Queen Luna: "Then you intend to initiate phase 7."
God-Queen Celestia: "Equestria must evolve, sister. Maintaining the status quo indefinitely is never an option. Remember what we have learned again and again - stagnation is extinction."
MAGICAL MYSTERY CURE
Twilight: "Ahhh. Another day dawns on Ponyville. And it does occur to me that, all things considered? Life rocks."
Twilight: "Equestria has added the Crystal Empire to itself, and the magic of the Heart of Ponyland 2.0 is giving us all a big, fat bonus."
Twilight: "I got myself an awesome sister in law, who has gotten appointed governor, and is actually handling it pretty darn well."
Twilight: "The Manehattan CMC are solving every problem on the East Coast. Heck, I think even the STOOPIDS are being less of a nuisance."
Twilight: "The loan sharks haven't caught Trixie yet."
Twilight: "Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo are really bonding. Also, Dash is on the fast-track to join the Wonderbolts."
Twilight: "My paper on Timberwolf gestalts was very well-received."
Twilight: "The freaking Ebon Dragon is on our side now. No, really."
Twilight: "I'm getting over my worst issues, and doing really well with my magical studies."
Twilight: "Rarity has managed to dodge the plot all season, which left her time to make a small fortune with her business. And a rich Exalt of Generosity is good for the rest of us."
Twilight: "And Shadowjack actually drew some recap comics for this series!"
Twilight: "So, in short: Suck it, Murphy's Law! We're doing fine!
[To the tune of Lordi's "The Devil's a Loser":]
Got magic power and heroic fame
Solved every problem - often the hard way
I dealt with pain - and got gain
While Derpy's handling mail
I'm getting stronger while my foes get weak
I wrote a thesis and it's pretty sleek
I have it all - and then some more
I'm rocking Ponyville!
Through Hasbro Incorporated
In a show that's highly-rated
All of my victories are fated
Get on get on up! All will be well
Because Murphy is a loser and life's my bitch!
My grocer's Applejack and my tailor's rich!
Because Murphy is a loser and life's my bitch!
Dropping Murphy's Law in a ditch
Life's my bitch!"
SPLASH!
Twilight, soaked pony: "Oh ha ha ha. This wasn't funny the first time either, Rainbow Dash."
Rarity: "Terribly sorry about that, darling. But, I know it's a bit confusing given G3 and all, but my name's not Rainbow Dash."
Rarity: *has Rainbow Dash's cutie mark*
Twilight: "WHAT THE BUCKING BUCKITY BUCK?!"
Murphy's Law: "I... still function..."
Twilight: "OK. OK. Rarity... What's with the cutie mark, and why are you handling weather control?"
Rarity: "I'm not sure I understand the first question, my dear. My cutie mark is the same as it's always been, ever since that day my horn's magic pulled me all the way to a desert, and I only survived by forcibly making it rain. As for the second question... Every pegasus on the weather team is unavailable, due to a variety of reasons. Like always. It's like this city is cursed to have nopony but me to handle this job, and we do what we must, do we not?"
Twilight: "And you're arranging the clouds in a checkerboard pattern that utterly messes up the weather because...?"
Rarity: "Well, one must strive to find a measure of beauty in I'M SORRY I'M SO SORRY MY OCD IS DESTROYING THE TOWN!"
Twilight: "What... What about Rainbow Dash?"
Rarity: "What about her? Rainbow Dash was never part of the weather team. I believe her job keeps the poor dear busy enough as is..."
Spike: "Twilight, this was supposed to be my day off. What exactly was so urgent that you had to drag me out of bed and all the way to Fluttershy's cottage?"
Twilight: "That's the problem, Spike. According to sources in the know, this is Rainbow Dash's cottage."
Spike: "So these two finally made it official? Huh. I'd always assumed Fluttershy would retain ownership of-"
Twilight: "No, no, not like that. I mean... Rarity has Dash's cutie mark, as well as her job, and she doesn't remember things ever being any different. Can you see why I'm worried now?"
Spike: "...Retcons are serious business."
Twilight: "Yes. Exactly."
Twilight: *knocks on door* "Rainbow Dash? Can you-"
Rainbow Dash: "NO TIME! Ever since I got knocked out during a race in Cloudesdale and only survived by falling on a bunch of butterflies, my cutie mark has been steering me toward a career in animal control! Which I'm really really bad at! And I have the sudden urge to give exposition for some reason!"
[To the tune of Dolly Parton's "Nine to Five":]
"I stumble outta bed and right into the kitchen
Try not to give in to daily desperation
And yawning, stretching, try to come to life
Then I jump in the shower and the blood starts pumping
Feed all the pests and delay the crying
Do the stinking job I hate from 9 to 5!
Crying 9 to 5! What a way to make a living
Critters hate my guts! Always taking never giving
Almost lose my mind! Soon I'm gonna reach my limit
And that bucking bunny - I'm not allowed to kill it!"
Twilight: "Fluttershy, you're an introvert who's terrified of equine contact. Why are you trying to entertain Ponyville?"
Fluttershy: "What else can I do? Ever since I fell off that cloud and my whole class laughed at me, it's been my destiny to act as comic relief! Anytime I try to do any kid of job without also making ponies laugh, something horrible happens! I have to at least try - it's my destiny!"
Twilight: "And you live in Ponyville because..."
Fluttershy: "When your destiny involves a lot of pratfalls, it's best not to live too high up."
"Nine to five! For service and devotion!
Sadly my lame jokes - don't stir the right emotion!
Want to move away - but destiny won't seem to let me
I swear sometimes - the world is out to get me!"
Twilight: "Pinkie, why are you working at Sweet Apple Acre? And what's with this weird manecut?"
Pinkamena Diane Pie: "Huh? I've always had this manecut. And I've worked at Sweet Apples Acre most of my life. They needed an extra farmhand, and for various reasons I always ended up being the only pony available. Even though I'm not good with plantlife. Still, it's a lot more fun than the rock farm."
Twilight: "A lot more fun? Pinkie, you look miserable!"
Pinkamena Diane Pie: "Exactly! A lot more fun!"
"Life lets you dream - just to watch them shatter
So just suck it in - it won't get any better
Life hates your guts and this job's here to stay
But you're in the same boat as most of your friends
Waiting for the day of retirement
So ya can finally buck this stinking job away!"
Spike: "Twilight? Applejack is making dresses. I'm scared."
Applejack: "Ain't no way around it. Ah was stuck in Manehattan, homesick, then Ah heard tha Oranges mention that tha owner o'tha Carousel Boutique was lookin' fer an apprentice, so Ah begged fer a chance ta try, an' next thing ya know, Ah got a cutie mark an' a duty ta tha boutique."
Applejack: "What Ah ain't got, however, is an ounce o'artistic talent."
"Cryin' nine ta five - what a way ta make a livin'!
Nine ta five - each critic's unforgivin'
There's a better life - but it ain't not fer this pony
If they tell ya ta stay hopeful - ya know it's all baloney!"
Spike: "This is terrible! You have to get the Rainbow Deathray and shoot the Ebon Dragon before he causes any more damage!"
Twilight: "Spike... I don't think the Ebon Dragon is behind this mess."
Spike: "Neither do I, but still!"
Spike: "One problem at the time, though. What insane supervillain is behind this crisis?"
Twilight: *teary-eyes*
Twilight: "Spike... I am the idiot. Yesterday, while Spikely Whiplash was nibbling on the tribute the Underdark sends Empress Rarity..."
[Flashback!]
Twilight: "Hoo boy. It's been a long day. I should probably hit the hay soon."
Twilight: "And then get some pillows that aren't made of hay; I keep waking up hungry."
Mail Pony: "Package for Twilight Sparkle!"
Twilight: "Thank you, your services are, as always, deeply appreci-"
Mail Pony: "...From God-Queen Celestia!"
Twilight: "OUTTA MY WAY SOULLESS NPC I GOTTA CHECK THIS OUT!"
Package: *includes Star-Swirl's notebook and a letter*
Letter: "My beloved pawn, attached here is a notebook where Star-Swirl the Bearded, the legendary archmage, jotted down all his notes on his ultimate spell..."
Twilight: "NERDGASM!"
Letter: "...I am putting it in your care, since I think you are the only pony that might be able to actually finish it..."
Twilight: "JOYGASM!"
Letter: "...and by the way, the second volume of that clopfic, General Relativity Slash Quantum Mechanics, is out. I thought I'd let you know."
Twilight: "ORGASM!"
Twilight: "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! A notebook belonging to one of my historical idols! Some of the most advanced spellcraft in the universe! This is awesome beyond words!"
Twilight: "Let's see... What sort of spell is this..."
Twilight: *probes through with a hint of mana*
The Elements of Harmony: *are an insanely powerful mana focus*
The Elements of Harmony: *are right behind her*
The Elements of Harmony: *focus extra mana into the spellcraft*
[/Flashback!]
Twilight: "...And that's that way it must have happened!"
Spike: "You didn't need to mention the part about the clopfic, Twilight. You really really didn't."
Meanwhile, in Canterlot:
God-Queen Luna: "So, when you said you wanted her to keep the Rainbow Deathray nearby, in case the Ebon Dragon got funny ideas..."
God-Queen Celestia: "Any move that doesn't advance at least two plans is a wasted move!"
Spike: "Soooo... what? Star-Swirl was working on some kind of retcon spell?"
Twilight: "Not as such. Near as I can tell, he was working on some kind of destiny booster."
Spike: "In Equestrian, please."
Twilight: "Look... It's like this. It all comes down to the Plot."
Spike: "Huh?"
Twilight: "Well, the Plot is what gives a story its power. It's a narrative field affecting all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us; it binds the story arc together."
Twilight: "We all have a place in the plot. A destiny. It's all part and parcel of existing in Equestria (see "The Cutie Mark Chronicles" for a refresher). But our destiny isn't static. We build it. Develop it. My destiny to become an expert wizard, for example, could have simply led me to become a particularly powerful Canterlot mage... but, because I've studied hard, hard, hard under her Momjesty's tutelage, I've become the numero uno magical badass of unicornkind instead."
Twilight: "Star-Swirl wanted a spell that further protagonized the caster's destiny. Allowed them to become the platonic ideal of their destiny. Speed-loving athlete? Becomes a wielder of the Speed Force. Fun-loving friend of everyone in town? Somehow become the friend of literally everyone in the world."
Spike: "Cool. So, you cast the spell. What does that make you?"
Twilight: "Nothing, because Star-Swirl never quite got it to work! All the magical energies dispersed through the Elements of Harmony and into their bearers, and now, they've switched the destinies of my friends!"
Spike: "And it's changing the past because..."
Twilight: "Because I've messed with the Plot itself! I changed the story on a fundamental level! The Plot is now handling the contradictions to the best of its ability... and that means a bunch of retcons that are gradually taking place around us!"
Spike: "And you and I remember the original timeline..."
Twilight: "The magic expanded outward from the Elements of Harmony, but couldn't cause something so unharmonious in their actual presence. Kind of like being in the eye of the storm."
Spike: "OK. OK. I definitely wouldn't call this good, but, don't we already have ways of fixing this? Memory spells, Zecora's seeds of truth..."
Twilight: "Wouldn't work! The memory spells wouldn't keep their rewritten destinies from dragging them back into their new careers, and the seed of truth is just a glorified magical antibiotic!"
Spike: "So what now?"
Twilight: "Now?"
Twilight: "Now I done bucked up!"
[To the tune of the The Clash's "Police on my Back":]
"Well I'm crying
I have done bucked up!
Eyes aren't drying
I have done bucked up!
There was magic
I have done bucked up!
And five victims
Caught in a plot trap
I have ruined their Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday
Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Ruined their Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday
Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
What have I done?
What have I done?
So I'm drowning
Sorrows at the pub!
Can I solve this?
I have done bucked up!
And as I drink
One more cider cup
I ask "dumb, me?"
And the answer's "yup!"
I have ruined their Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday
Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Ruined their Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday
Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
What have I done?
What have I done?"
Meanwhile, in Canterlot:
God-Queen Luna: "OK, explain this faithful student concept to me again. Your idea of helping these ponies is to stick them in traumatic situations? What if they cannot escape from this conundrum?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Um, sister? Are you sure we're talking about the same ponies? They had their town taken over by a dark mage less than two months ago, they're who I send against dragons, they regularly put themselves through mental breakdowns without any input from me and then bounce back... This is a slow week for them."
God-Queen Celestia: "And frankly, if Twilight Sparkle, Savior of Worlds can't figure out how to solve a problem this simple... I'll eat my hat."
God-Queen Luna: "You have a hat?"
God-Queen Celestia: "There was this lovely fashion three centuries ago. I keep hoping it will make a comeback."
Twilight: "Alas, poor Ponyville! I knew it, Spike, a town of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. It hath bore me on its ground a thousand times, and now how abhorr'd in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it."
Twilight: "With the weather out of wack, daily life in town is arduous and tormented."
Twilight: "With the local fauna out of control, a thousand additional complications arise, and the ponies can't keep pets to help them relax a bit."
Twilight: "With the local fashion industry a joke, there is no cultural hub, no sense of connection to the greater Equestria, even with Canterlot within view, mocking us."
Twilight: "With Sweet Apple Acre a wreck, so is the local economy, as ponies must import food from out-of-town... and have no cider whatsoever."
Twilight: "And without Pinkie Pie to act as social balm, all these other factors combine to turn Ponyville into... well, into the sort of place you make New Jersey jokes about."
Twilight: "Spike... What are you doing with that microscope?"
Spike: "Trying to find a violin to play for you."
Twilight: "Spike, this is a serious problem!"
Spike: "Like buck it is! This problem will have gotten entirely solved by the end of the episode."
Twilight: "What makes you so certain?"
Spike: "Simple: I happen to live with a certain somepony called Twilight Sparkle, occasionally referred to as the Pony of Plans."
Spike: "When you read a prophecy about an Elder Evil about to blot out the sun, what did you do? You found and unlocked the most powerful weapon known to ponykind!"
Spike: "When an ursa minor attacked Ponyville, you pulled out a multi-stage superspell and sent it packing!"
Spike: "When Winter Wrap-Up was falling apart, you saved the day with bureaucracy!"
Spike: "When you participated in the Running of the Leaves, you outraced dozens of better-fit competitors! With your booksmarts!"
Spike: "When the Ebon Dragon brainwashed your squadmates, you fixed them up with a memory spell!"
Spike: "When Tartarus nearly had a cosmic jailbreak, you returned Cerberus to his post!"
Spike: "When Chrysalis schemed to conquer Canterlot, you blew the conspiracy wide open!"
Spike: "When Sombra tried to return, you figured out how to beat him and his traps!"
Spike: "When Darth Trixie took over Ponyville, you beat her with your Intelligence Score!"
Spike: "And when some magic messed up the Plot or whatever... Yeah, I'm not too worried. You aren't going to let your friends down."
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "You're right. Enough with the doom and gloom. It's more than time I got off my sorry flank - my friends need me, and..."
Twilight: "Wait."
Twilight: "...EUREKA!"
Spike: "That's... a good sound."
Twilight: "Spike, this is so obvious! The spell deformed the Plot to change my friends' destinies, right? But our destinies are interconnected."
Twilight: "Think back to how we earned our cutie marks in the original timeline: All of those events, resulting from Dash's sonic rainboom! We were all connected by the Plot before we'd even met! Equestria is one big narrative Rube Goldberg machine!"
Twilight: "We're all still friends, so clearly, the connection is still there! And it's been known since at least the days of Clover the Clever that friendship is magic!"
Spike: "Go on..."
Twilight: "All I need to do is recreate the conditions of the old sonic rainboom: Have friends directly or indirectly causing friends to engage in the activity that leads them to their original destiny! Since these are the domains they have a true, heartfelt connection to, it'll try to form a cutie mark; the current, warped timeline will try to fight back, but, with the magic of friendship on the side of the original, and the Elements of Harmony acting as a mana focus, the Plot will snap back like a rubber band!"
Spike: "Gentlemares, the Pony of Plans is in da house!"
Fluttershy: "Don't look back... If you don't look back, maybe you won't burst into tears..."
Twilight: "Fluttershy? What are you doing?"
Fluttershy: "Aw, darn it. I was hoping to avoid the sad goodbyes..."
Twilight: "..."
Fluttershy: "Twilight, I...I'm sorry. I just can't take it anymore. I'm supposed to be a comedian, but, I can't make anypony in Ponyville laugh. I try jokes, I try props... I try everything I can think of, but I just watch the townsponies get more and more frustrated, and none of them will laugh with me. At least in Cloudesdale, they laughed at me. That's worth something, right?"
[To the tune of Avenue Q's "Schadenfreude":]
Fluttershy: "Right now I'm feeling down and out, and feeling really crappy..."
Fluttershy: "And when they see how sad I am, it'll sorta make them-"
Twilight: "OK, no."
Fluttershy: "Huh?"
Twilight: "This episode has too many songs already, no way we're adding extra ones."
Twilight: "Look, Fluttershy... If you choose to leave Ponyville, we won't stop you..."
Spike: "Yes we will!"
Twilight: "...but before you go, we need your help, one last time. It's Rainbow Dash... She's really out of her depth with the animals. She needs help, presto."
Fluttershy: "Why ask me? I don't know anything about animals!"
Twilight: "Aside from your empathy, infinite well of compassion, and motherly nature... Maybe you don't know animals, but you know Rainbow Dash, right?"
Fluttershy: "..."
Fluttershy: "I know that she's loyal to a fault. I know she wouldn't turn her back on a friend in need. I know she looks adorable when I put the collar on her, hold the crop, and tell her-"
Spike: "Lalalalalalala! What is this, 'TMI the dragon' day?!"
Twilight: "Rainbow Dash, are you-"
Rainbow Dash: "AUUUGH! THE ANIMALS ARE REVOLTING!"
Fluttershy: "Dashie, I know they're giving you a hard time, but that's still not a very nice thing to say."
Animals: *are performing a violent revolution*
Fluttershy: "...Oh."
Animals: "FLESH FOR THE PET GODS! SKULLS FOR THE BUNNY THRONE!"
Fluttershy: "Twilight, quick! Save Rainbow Dash with your magic!"
Twilight: "I can't. You're the only person who can save her now."
Fluttershy: "What? Why?!"
Twilight: "Um... Because vaporizing quantum vacuums boosts the temporal capacitors!"
Fluttershy: "What?"
Twilight: "Now go!"
Fluttershy: "Um... OK... Little animals, I don't want to interrupt your ritual butchering of my friend..."
Rainbow Dash: "Er, I'd like to think you kinda do."
Fluttershy: "...but, I think it would be best if..."
One quick application of Charm Wildlife later:
"Our pony who art in Equestria,
Fluttershy be thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
thy will be done,
amongst parasprites as it is among bronies.
Give us this day our daily carrot,
and implore us not to eat too quickly,
lest our tummies be given to ache.
And lead us not into temptation,
Unless, of course, you really want to.
Amen." [/joke not by me]
Fluttershy: "My goodness! All I did was be nice but firm and feed them, and... Wasn't this job supposed to be hard? It all came so naturally! Like it's what I'm supposed to be doing with my life! Like..."
Twilight: "Rise, Fluttershy Prime!" *places Element of Harmony*
She remembers.
Fluttershy: "Whoa. Déjà vu..." *has her original cutie mark back*
Twilight: "My theory has been confirmed! Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!"
Fluttershy: "Memories... mixing... Twilight, what happened? Why do I have these weird, vague memories of some really depressing timeline?"
Twilight: "Magical mishap. Let's fix it!"
[To the tune of Belinda Carlisle's "Heaven Is a Place on Earth":]
"For our friends we'll rock heavens and earth
True friendship has unending worth
Celestia says friends give us mirth
True friendship has unending worth
True friendship has unending worth-"
Rainbow Dash: "Ahem. My mirth would be much greater if I weren't tied up in a pot right now."
Fluttershy: "But Dashie, it looks good on y-"
Twilight: "Nevertheless, we should get her out. Rarity needs her help."
Fluttershy: "I... ohhhh. Yeah. Dashie, Rarity needs your help with the weather patterns!"
Rainbow Dash: "Why are you telling me? I've never been on the weather team. Couldn't you help her just as much?"
Fluttershy: "Ah, no, you see, I can't do it, because, because..."
Twilight: "It's a complex reason involving arcane magical theory, but I suppose we could spare some thirty minutes for me to explain the finer intricacies of-"
Rainbow Dash: "I'll do it! I'll do it! Have mercy!"
Twilight: "Heh. Still got it."
Rarity: "Of all the worst things that could possibly happen, my life is THE WORST! POSSIBLE! THING!"
Rarity: "Stuck with an abominable job that I hate and am ludicrously unqualified for, hated by the townsponies for good reason... How long, oh Celestia, before you let me die?"
Rarity: "Wait. Who turned on the Sun?"
Celestia, in Canterlot: *blushing coyly* "Wouldn't you like to know."
Rainbow Dash: "Holy manure! Destroying clouds is FUN!"
Rainbow Dash: "By Celestia! I can do to those clouds everything I've ever fantasized about doing to that bunny!"
Rainbow Dash: "FALL! FALL BEFORE THE OBLITERATING MIGHT OF RAINBOW DASH, CLOUD EXTERMINATOR! MACH ONE KICK! SONIC RAINBOMB! TORNADO TORTURE! SUPREME SUPLEX!"
Rainbow Dash: "Huh. I... I cleared these skies in ten seconds flat. I... I liked it. I loved it. It's like getting something physical done in record time was really-"
Twilight: "Rise, Rainbow Dash Prime!" *places Element of Harmony*
She remembers.
Rainbow Dash: "What in Dream Valley just-"
Twilight: "I can explain later. For now, Applejack is trying to make dresses!"
Rainbow Dash: "OK, that's just wrong. Rarity... You're obsessively good with patterns, right?"
"When the chips are down
You're there to help me pick them off the ground
And the world's alive
Thanks to folks like you, whose love makes it thrive
When you give me a friendly hug
All of my problems I can shrug
And we're spinning with the stars above
And you lift me up with platonic love"
Applejack: "Ah canna take it. Ah just canna take it no more. This job here be killin' mah soul. Ah canna get it right no matter how many times Ah-"
Rarity: "Oh dear. Applejack, can I give it a try? I think this would look better if..."
Ten minutes later:
Rarity: "I HAVE CREATED! I, Empress Rarity, Tyrant of the Underdark, have wrought beauty from mere fabric! Look at this thing - this dress is so beautiful, you could wear it at a God-Queen's coronation! I want to keep doing this forever! I-"
Twilight: "Rise, Rarity Prime!" *places Element of Harmony*
She remembers.
Rarity: "Let us never speak of this again."
Twilight: "Then let us speak of how Pinkie Pie is about to lose Sweet Apple Acre."
Applejack: "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Rarity: "Well! We can't allow that to pass, now can we? Applejack, my dear... Surely you remember a thing or two from those early years on the farm..."
"For our friends we'll rock heavens and earth
True friendship has unending worth
Celestia says friends give us mirth
True friendship has unending worth
True friendship has unending worth"
Pinkamena Diane Pie: "Still better than the rock farm... Still better than the rock farm... Still better than the OH CELESTIA I'M STARTING TO MISS THE ROCK FARM!"
Applejack: "Have no fear, tha Apple is here!"
Applejack: "See, ya gotta buck that tree like this..."
Applejack: "...an' plow tha field like this..."
Applejack: "...an' delegate accountin' ta Big Mac like this..."
Applejack: "...Ah went ta Manehattan an' abandoned all o'this?! Ah'm an idiot! This is what Ah shoulda been doin' all along! This is mah-"
Twilight: "Rise, Applejack Prime!" *places Element of Harmony*
She remembers.
Applejack: "Yeehaw! Good job, gals - ye've done freed me from tha curse o'whichever crazed supervillain was responsible fer this!"
Twilight: "Eh-heh. That's gonna be one fun conversation. It's definitely a conversation we're not having until we've restored Miss Social Balm over here."
Applejack: "On it! Pinkie, Ah realize this here be a bit confusin' fer ya, but Ah think ya need ta cheer Ponyville up..."
"When I feel alone
I reach for you, and you take me home
When I'm lost at sea
I hear your voice, and it carries me
In this world we're just beginning
To understand the miracle of friendship
Pony I was afraid before
But I'm not afraid anymore"
Pony #1: "Life sucks!"
Pony #2: "Ponyville sucks!"
Pony #3: "Everything sucks!"
Pinkamena Diane Pie: "Vacuum sucks!"
Townsponies: "Huh?"
Pinkamena Diane Pie: "Well it does! Every time I try to get myself some nice, empty vacuum, it manages to get some air inside of it! It just sucks, I tell you!"
Townsponies: "Heh..."
Pink D. Pie: "And don't get me started on vacuum cleaners! Everytime I use them, five minutes later my vacuum is dirty again!"
Townsponies: "Heh heh heh..."
Pinkie Pie: "A chuckle! You chuckled! I want to make you chuckle! I want to make you laugh! I want to make you SMILE and put all of you in the rolodex inside my head and be friends with everyone and spread good cheer from here to..."
Twilight: "Rise, Pinkie Pie Prime!" *places Element of Harmony*
She remembers.
Pinkie Pie: "You know what this calls for?"
Townsponies: "A PARTY!"
"For our friends we'll rock heavens and earth
True friendship has unending worth
Celestia says friends give us mirth
True friendship has unending worth
True friendship has unending worth!"
Twilight: "I'm so so so glad you're all back to normal!"
Twilight: "So, um, sorry about accidentally putting you through this."
Applejack: "No grudge, Twilight. Let she who never done messed up in a major way cast tha first stone."
Twilight: "D'awww."
Twilight: "Wait."
Twilight: *sparkle of inspiration*
Twilight: "OF COURSE!"
Applejack: "What?"
Twilight: "The spell! I know why it didn't work! And more to the point, I know how to make it work!"
Twilight: "Star-Swirl was working on a way to supercharge the caster's destiny. But it was his student, Clover the Clever, who wrote the first treatise on the magic of friendship. And the connection between magic and the Plot was poorly understood in that era! His equations couldn't account for that factor!"
Twilight: "But I can! I've been studying the magic of friendship since I got to this crazy town! This is my entire thesis subject!"
Twilight: "So, if I factor in friendship, and move a few variables here... Voilà! A spell able to infuse its caster with the power of the Plot, allowing them to become the very epitome of what they're supposed to be!"
Applejack: "Twilight, ye're a genius!"
Rarity: "Why, I do believe you have just crafted the most epic work of spellcraft in Equestria's History!"
Rainbow Dash: "Awesome!"
Fluttershy: "Well done, Twilight!"
Pinkie Pie: "You know what this calls for? A-"
Spike: "See? I told you this problem would have gotten entirely solved by the end of the episode!"
Twilight: "Ha, yeah, I guess-"
Twilight: "Wait. This isn't the end of the episode. There's, what, over seven minutes left?"
Rainbow Dash: "Wow. I guess we've... gotten kinda good at this."
Spike: "Uh... What happens when you resolve an episode's plot with extra time to spare?"
Twilight: "Well, that would create a disturbance in the Plot, which would create mana waves that-"
Elements of Harmony: *are an insanely powerful mana focus*
Elements of Harmony: *activate ultimate spell!*
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Well, I created this thing. I will trust in the Plot, in the magic of friendship, and in my spellcraft. Come what may..."
ABRA COSMIC DABRA!
Fluttershy: "What the hug just happened?"
Pinkie Pie: "AIIIIEEE! Scorch marks where Twilight was standing!"
Applejack: "Please please please tell me tha Elements o'Harmony didn't just disintegrate Twilight!"
Spike: "The Elements of Harmony didn't just disintegrate Twilight. It's not the first time I've seen her leave scorch marks - it happens whenever she teleports over really, really long distances."
Rainbow Dash: "Then where is she now?"
Twilight, floating in a strange place: "..."
Twilight: "OK, we can't make Twilight Zone jokes. Already did that with the previous season finale. So, what is this place? How did I get here? How can I be standing when there seems to be no ground?"
God-Queen Celestia: "To answer your questions in order, my beloved Twilight: This is a higher plane of existence. You got here through ascension. And you can stand because this plane is shaped by thought of magic, both of which you wield expertly."
God-Queen Celestia: "...You kind of need to have a place like this to work with at this level. When you're a god, and playing billiard with the universe, it's important to have a place that gives you the full perspective..."
Twilight: "Your Momjesty! Am I glad to see you. I've been having a crazy day."
God-Queen Celestia: "Graduation can be like that."
Twilight: "G-g-graduation?"
God-Queen Celestia: "It would seem, to me at least, that your thesis project is complete, no?"
Twilight: "Well, yeah, but I always kind of assumed I'd be sending you my research papers by dracofax so you could examine them or something."
God-Queen Celestia: "Twilight, I think you need to comprehend what you've accomplished here. You have created the Apotheosis Spell. Magic that turns you into the ultimate conclusion of your nature, of what you've always strived to be. Star-Swirl, brilliant and powerful though he was, couldn't do it, lacking your understanding of friendship."
Twilight: "When you assigned me to Ponyville... It wasn't just because I wanted to be with my newfound friends, was it."
God-Queen Celestia: "Technically, it was exactly because of that! The better your understanding of friendship, the greater your wisdom, the more equipped you were to attain your true destiny."
God-Queen Celestia: "You have come such a long way, Twilight, from how you were back in Canterlot. You have learned so much. You are, well and truly, worthy of the name Twilight Sparkle, Savior of Worlds!"
[To the tune of LMNT's "It's Just You":]
"You can do the things that can't be done
You can win the fights that can't be won
When faced with a puzzle you will find each clue
When faced with a villain you will run them through
Twilight Sparkle, do you see?
It's your apotheosis!
It's just you, doing the implausible
It's you, practically unstoppable
It's you, your triumph's predictable
It's you, it's you, you'll do the impossible!
When the world's in trouble and we're in distress
I can dracofax you, send an SOS
Help a friend in need or fight Elder Evil
Or handle ancient magic item retrieval
Twilight Sparkle, do you see?
It's your apotheosis!
It's just you, doing the implausible
It's you, practically unstoppable
It's you, your triumph's predictable
It's you, it's you, you'll do the impossible!
On your flank we've seen the sign
Seen the way the stars align
Seen your magic shining through
And now your destiny comes true!
It's just you, doing the implausible
It's you, practically unstoppable
It's you, your triumph's predictable
It's you, it's you, you'll do the impossible!
It's you, doing the implausible
It's you, practically unstoppable
It's you, your triumph's predictable
It's you, it's you, you'll do the impossible!"
Twilight: "Wait, wait. What do you mean by apotheosis? I thought this was graduation!"
Twilight's soul: "POWER! UNLIMITED POWER!"
Twilight: "Wa?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Twilight, you've cast the Apotheosis Spell. You are turning into the logical conclusion of the very concept of 'Twilight Sparkle', taken all the way through."
Twilight: "And... what... would that be?"
God-Queen Celestia: "A friendly, heroic, magical genius pony with a tendency to lead and save the world? Think about it."
Twilight: *digivolves to...*
Applejack: "So where is Twilight? An' why did tha sun go down just enough ta be below tha horizon all symbolically-like? An' why's tha symbol o'magic shinin' in tha sky? An' are tha answers ta all these questions connected?"
Twilight: *is here!*
Applejack: "GASP! Twilight! You look... different..."
Rarity: "My goodness! You certainly do!"
Twilight: "You... You're right. I feel different, too."
Twilight: "I feel... lighter. Or rather, I think my legs are stronger. But at the same time, I think my bone structure got denser."
Twilight: "And there's this... connection to the ground, and to all the plant life in it. Like my sense of touch got extended, and has some form of biofeedback going on."
Twilight: "I... I can't believe it! It's like I've acquired all the inherent powers of earth ponies!"
Applejack: "..."
Fluttershy: "..."
Pinkie Pie: "..."
Rarity: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Spike: "..."
Applejack: "Twilight... Ye've got wings."
Twilight: "What? Don't be silly, I-" *looks to the side* "HOLY RAVIOLI I GOT WINGS!"
Rarity: "You have become an alicorn! What is this I don't even"
Rainbow Dash: "Well, I, for one, am eager to see how fast those wings can go!"
Pinkie Pie: "ALICORN PARTYYYYY!"
Everyone else: "WTB?"
Fluttershy: "Um, wow. I hope it's not blasphemous of me to say this, but... you look like a God-Queen!"
Suddenly Celestia: "That's because she IS a God-Queen!"
Everyone else: "WTB?!"
Twilight: "Wait, wait. Hold it. I... Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary evidence. Your Momjesty, can you... please raise the sun, just for a minute?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Granted."
Twilight: *stares at sun through telescope*
Sun: "Are you a God-Queen?"
Twilight: "Yes!"
Sun: "THEN PAY THE PRICE FOR... Wait, what? Oh. Oh! Terribly sorry about that. I'll be gone now."
God-Queen Celestia: "You do that." *lowers the sun*
Spike: "HA! When someone asks if you're a God-Queen, you say yes!"
Twilight: "OK. OK. I'm not panicking. But I still want some explanation."
God-Queen Celestia: "Twilight, this is what the spell did. It fulfilled your potential. Made you as you as you could be. It made you the arch-magical God-Queen of Friendship."
Twilight: "You mean, like you and Luna are the sun and the moon, Cadence and I are love and..."
God-Queen Celestia: "Oversimplified, but yes. Both Equestria and the Rainbow Deathray are built on a set of virtues - and since coming to Ponyville, you have embodied these virtues admirably, in addition to your natural leadership."
God-Queen: "...And, really, you're more suited for a leadership role than most politicians I know, so I think we might as well go with the flow here and make your God-Queenship official."
Twilight: "But... but... but... Change is scary! Does this mean I won't be your student anymore?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Think of yourself as a post-doc. You can still turn to your old thesis adviser for counsel, but you're also gonna start working as a teaching assistant, and even give classes... Or, to put analogies aside: We're all your students too, now."
Twilight: "But... What do I do now? Is there some book about being a God-Queen I should read?" [/actual dialog]
God-Queen Celestia: "Aside from Machiavelli? A few. Some pretty good ones. But there'll be time for that later. It's not like I'm not gonna throw you into some governorship position tomorrow morning or anything."
Twilight: "Whew."
Coronation Day at Canterlot Castle!
God-Queen Celestia: "Fillies and gentlecolts! Some of you have heard of Twilight Sparkle, Savior of Worlds after she saved Equestria from eternal night, and returned to us my long-lost sister, God-Queen Luna (who is an awesome pony whom you guys are all missing out on, and with whom you should hang out more often). Some of you have heard of here after she saved our universe from a rampaging, reality-warping Yozi. Some of you have heard of her after she helped save Canterlot during the recent Changeling Invasion. Some of you have heard of her after she and her friends saved the Crystal Empire from King Sombra. The rest of you seriously need to get out more."
God-Queen Celestia: "But today, we are gathered here to celebrate her ascension into Equestria's newest God-Queen. Yup, we got FOUR alicorns now! Let it not be said that Equestria will fall behind in the magical arms race!"
Twilight Sparkle's mom, Twilight the Dream Valley survivor: *sob* "Our foals are the best ponies in History!"
Twilight Sparkle's dad, The Great and Powerful Trickster: "Where did we go so insanely right?"
Enters Twilight Sparkle, God-Queen in training!
Enter the Platinum Quadruplet, hired to sing at the coronation! (They're not actually descended from Princess Platinum, it's just part of their stage persona.)
[To the tune of the original TMNT theme:]
"Behold God-Queen Twilight Sparkle
Behold God-Queen Twilight Sparkle
Behold God-Queen Twilight Sparkle
Behold her the buck out! Yeah behold!
She's Twilight, the Savior of the World! (She's really great!)
All villains that dare face her will get mauled! (Hey! I just ate!)
Next time Tambelon attacks
The Queen of Nerds will cut them no slack!
Behold God-Queen Twilight Sparkle
Behold God-Queen Twilight Sparkle
Celestia has taught her half her tricks! (Best teacher ever!)
Her Plasma Buster spells sure have some kick! (And she's so clever!)
There's her brother and sister-in-law (Force-fields ahoy!)
And her friends and teammates are ready to go! (Deathraaaaay!)
Behold God-Queen Twilight Sparkle
Behold God-Queen Twilight Sparkle
Behold God-Queen Twilight Sparkle
Behold her the buck out! Yeah behold!"
Crowd: "Yay! New God Queen! That's probably a good thing!"
God-Queen Celestia: "I believe you're supposed to make your speech now, Twilight."
Twilight: "Y-yes. OK, OK, I'll try not to let stage fright paralyze me... I'm still working on that whole God-Queen thing."
God-Queen Celestia: "Would it help if I referred to you as Doctor Twilight? Post-thesis and all?"
Twilight Sparkle, Ph.D: "Actually, yes."
Twilight Sparkle, Ph.D: "Ahem. Everyone... Thank you for coming. Some time ago, my mentor, Celestia, sent me to Ponyville to make some friends. Now, me... When I was young, I was too busy to make any friends. Such silliness did not seem worth the effort it expends."
Twilight Sparkle, Ph.D: *gazes at Elemental Harmony Squad* "But my little ponies, you opened up my eyes. And now the truth is crystal clear, as splendid summer skies. And it's such a wonderful surprise!"
Twilight Sparkle, Ph.D: "My friends have helped not just to beat the archvillain du jour, or even just have a good time. They have helped me grow into who I am today, and, without them, I would not be standing here before you. (I'd probably be getting myself killed in a resistance movement against Night Mare Moon, but that's beside the point.)"
Twilight Sparkle, PhD: "So, to steal from Lou Gehrig: Today, I consider myself the luckiest pony in Equestria." [/actual paraphrase]
And the crowd goes wild!
Captain Equestria: "Way to go, Twiley!"
Twilight: "Thanks bro...Hey, are you crying?"
Captain Equestria: "Of course not! It's liquid pride; totally different thing!" [/actual quote]
Applejack: "Twilight? Ya may think ye're the luckiest pony in Equestria, but, as yer friends, Ah like ta think we can rival ya!"
Pinkie Pie: "Wheeee! A Canterlot party of the non-boring kind!"
Rarity: "A most lovely coronation for a most lovely God-Queen."
Rainbow Dash: "I'd say you're 20% cooler now, but, honestly, you were kinda breaking the aweso-meter even before, so..."
Fluttershy: "We love you."
Twilight: "I know."
And many hugs were had!
Derpy Hooves: "That was totally worth skipping work to watch!"
Carrot Top: "Skip work? Didn't the State give postal employees a day off for this?"
Derpy Hooves: "I meant my other job, as a bounty hunter. There's this blue unicorn with massive debts that I can't seem to find."
Doctor Hooves: "I thought I knew the name!"
Dinky: "Huh?"
Doctor Hooves: "Twilight Sparkle! Future God-Queen. Elected for three successive terms. The architect of Equestria's Golden Age."
Dinky: "Three terms of what?"
Doctor Hooves: "That would be telling."
Twilight: "So. Achieved enlightenment superpowers. Doing better than ever. Will actually live long enough to read all the books in the library. And graduated magna cum laude squared!"
Twilight: "In your face, Murphy's Law! IN! YOUR! FACE!"
[To the tune of Lordi's "The Devil's a Loser":]
Twilight: "Got magic power and heroic fame
Solved every problem - often the hard way
I dealt with pain - and got gain
While Derpy's handling mail
I'm getting stronger while my foes get weak
I wrote a thesis and it's pretty sleek
I have it all - and then some more
I'm rocking Ponyville!
Through Hasbro Incorporated
In a show that's highly-rated
All of my victories are fated
Get on get on up! All will be well
Because Murphy is a loser and life's my bitch!
My grocer's Applejack and my tailor's rich!
Because Murphy is a loser and life's my bitch!
Dropping Murphy's Law in a ditch
Life's my bitch!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "We're God-Queen's agents with a license to kill
Each one of us shows fantastic skill
Think we will save the day? Of course we will!
All our dreams get fulfilled!
Each month we face an apocalypse
We've changed the face of geo-politics
Had some cool arcs, soon we'll have some more
Awaiting season 4!
Through Hasbro Incorporated
In a show that's highly-rated
All of our victories are fated
Get on get on up! All will be well
Because Murphy is a loser and life's our bitch!
The farmer's Applejack and the taylor's rich!
Because Murphy is a loser and life's our bitch!
Dropping Murphy's Law in a ditch
Life's our bitch!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Excellently done, Ebon Dragon. With the God-Emperor of Mankind restored, the Imperium will take some initial steps toward becoming a bit less of a force for grimdark horror."
Ebon Dragon: "Well, some abject humiliation might also help there."
God-Queen Celestia: "If applied correctly."
Ebon Dragon: "I'm also experimenting with some of the Tyranids. Convincing them that Nekrons have tasty flesh under that metal armor seems to work out well. Soooo... What didja do with the Dark Eldar?"
God-Quen Celestia: "Well... First, I let them 'find' a Space Bridge I made using Wheeljack's blueprints..."
Ebon Dragon: "Go on..."
God-Queen Celestia: "So they took it home, figuring it would allow them to transport their forces anywhere instantly, even faster than their previous modes of faster-than-light travel."
Ebon Dragon: "So you gave a civilization of sadists improved mobility? What's the catch?"
God-Queen Celestia: "The catch is that once they'd brought in the Space Bridge, I used it to transport their entire world-city to an isolated star system that was floating adrift outside the galaxy. Leaving the Space Bridge behind, of course. No FTL, no more raiding the galaxy for them."
Ebon Dragon: "Clever. But don't they have a gazillion prisoners? Won't they just start breeding them like livestock now?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Possibly. But that was just step one. Step two will have to wait until I start things up with the Orks. And for now, I'm working with Optimus and Serenity on figuring out the best way to close the Eye of Terror."
Ebon Dragon: "Good luck with that. I'm going to go screw with that Ciaphas guy's head some more."
God-Queen Celestia: "Oh be nice."
God-Queen Luna: *examines Star-Swirl's notebook*
God-Queen Luna: "So... you say that phase 6 is complete?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Indeed, Luna. My faithful student has progressed to the next level. Fighting Sombra, she learned to make decisions going against my authority. Following my directions, she has been pushing the boundaries of her magical skills and knowledge. Under Zecora's tutelage, she has improved her focus, and learned to vary her methods, instead of treating every problem like a nail for her magical hammer. With Cadance, she has learned how to keep her wits about her under stress."
God-Queen Celestia: "Over the past few months, she has become the premier archmage of Equestria's recent history. In terms of pure power and finesse, I'd say she is roughly on par with Star-Swirl now."
God-Queen Luna: "Then you intend to initiate phase 7."
God-Queen Celestia: "Equestria must evolve, sister. Maintaining the status quo indefinitely is never an option. Remember what we have learned again and again - stagnation is extinction."
MAGICAL MYSTERY CURE
Twilight: "Ahhh. Another day dawns on Ponyville. And it does occur to me that, all things considered? Life rocks."
Twilight: "Equestria has added the Crystal Empire to itself, and the magic of the Heart of Ponyland 2.0 is giving us all a big, fat bonus."
Twilight: "I got myself an awesome sister in law, who has gotten appointed governor, and is actually handling it pretty darn well."
Twilight: "The Manehattan CMC are solving every problem on the East Coast. Heck, I think even the STOOPIDS are being less of a nuisance."
Twilight: "The loan sharks haven't caught Trixie yet."
Twilight: "Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo are really bonding. Also, Dash is on the fast-track to join the Wonderbolts."
Twilight: "My paper on Timberwolf gestalts was very well-received."
Twilight: "The freaking Ebon Dragon is on our side now. No, really."
Twilight: "I'm getting over my worst issues, and doing really well with my magical studies."
Twilight: "Rarity has managed to dodge the plot all season, which left her time to make a small fortune with her business. And a rich Exalt of Generosity is good for the rest of us."
Twilight: "And Shadowjack actually drew some recap comics for this series!"
Twilight: "So, in short: Suck it, Murphy's Law! We're doing fine!
[To the tune of Lordi's "The Devil's a Loser":]
Got magic power and heroic fame
Solved every problem - often the hard way
I dealt with pain - and got gain
While Derpy's handling mail
I'm getting stronger while my foes get weak
I wrote a thesis and it's pretty sleek
I have it all - and then some more
I'm rocking Ponyville!
Through Hasbro Incorporated
In a show that's highly-rated
All of my victories are fated
Get on get on up! All will be well
Because Murphy is a loser and life's my bitch!
My grocer's Applejack and my tailor's rich!
Because Murphy is a loser and life's my bitch!
Dropping Murphy's Law in a ditch
Life's my bitch!"
SPLASH!
Twilight, soaked pony: "Oh ha ha ha. This wasn't funny the first time either, Rainbow Dash."
Rarity: "Terribly sorry about that, darling. But, I know it's a bit confusing given G3 and all, but my name's not Rainbow Dash."
Rarity: *has Rainbow Dash's cutie mark*
Twilight: "WHAT THE BUCKING BUCKITY BUCK?!"
Murphy's Law: "I... still function..."
Twilight: "OK. OK. Rarity... What's with the cutie mark, and why are you handling weather control?"
Rarity: "I'm not sure I understand the first question, my dear. My cutie mark is the same as it's always been, ever since that day my horn's magic pulled me all the way to a desert, and I only survived by forcibly making it rain. As for the second question... Every pegasus on the weather team is unavailable, due to a variety of reasons. Like always. It's like this city is cursed to have nopony but me to handle this job, and we do what we must, do we not?"
Twilight: "And you're arranging the clouds in a checkerboard pattern that utterly messes up the weather because...?"
Rarity: "Well, one must strive to find a measure of beauty in I'M SORRY I'M SO SORRY MY OCD IS DESTROYING THE TOWN!"
Twilight: "What... What about Rainbow Dash?"
Rarity: "What about her? Rainbow Dash was never part of the weather team. I believe her job keeps the poor dear busy enough as is..."
Spike: "Twilight, this was supposed to be my day off. What exactly was so urgent that you had to drag me out of bed and all the way to Fluttershy's cottage?"
Twilight: "That's the problem, Spike. According to sources in the know, this is Rainbow Dash's cottage."
Spike: "So these two finally made it official? Huh. I'd always assumed Fluttershy would retain ownership of-"
Twilight: "No, no, not like that. I mean... Rarity has Dash's cutie mark, as well as her job, and she doesn't remember things ever being any different. Can you see why I'm worried now?"
Spike: "...Retcons are serious business."
Twilight: "Yes. Exactly."
Twilight: *knocks on door* "Rainbow Dash? Can you-"
Rainbow Dash: "NO TIME! Ever since I got knocked out during a race in Cloudesdale and only survived by falling on a bunch of butterflies, my cutie mark has been steering me toward a career in animal control! Which I'm really really bad at! And I have the sudden urge to give exposition for some reason!"
[To the tune of Dolly Parton's "Nine to Five":]
"I stumble outta bed and right into the kitchen
Try not to give in to daily desperation
And yawning, stretching, try to come to life
Then I jump in the shower and the blood starts pumping
Feed all the pests and delay the crying
Do the stinking job I hate from 9 to 5!
Crying 9 to 5! What a way to make a living
Critters hate my guts! Always taking never giving
Almost lose my mind! Soon I'm gonna reach my limit
And that bucking bunny - I'm not allowed to kill it!"
Twilight: "Fluttershy, you're an introvert who's terrified of equine contact. Why are you trying to entertain Ponyville?"
Fluttershy: "What else can I do? Ever since I fell off that cloud and my whole class laughed at me, it's been my destiny to act as comic relief! Anytime I try to do any kid of job without also making ponies laugh, something horrible happens! I have to at least try - it's my destiny!"
Twilight: "And you live in Ponyville because..."
Fluttershy: "When your destiny involves a lot of pratfalls, it's best not to live too high up."
"Nine to five! For service and devotion!
Sadly my lame jokes - don't stir the right emotion!
Want to move away - but destiny won't seem to let me
I swear sometimes - the world is out to get me!"
Twilight: "Pinkie, why are you working at Sweet Apple Acre? And what's with this weird manecut?"
Pinkamena Diane Pie: "Huh? I've always had this manecut. And I've worked at Sweet Apples Acre most of my life. They needed an extra farmhand, and for various reasons I always ended up being the only pony available. Even though I'm not good with plantlife. Still, it's a lot more fun than the rock farm."
Twilight: "A lot more fun? Pinkie, you look miserable!"
Pinkamena Diane Pie: "Exactly! A lot more fun!"
"Life lets you dream - just to watch them shatter
So just suck it in - it won't get any better
Life hates your guts and this job's here to stay
But you're in the same boat as most of your friends
Waiting for the day of retirement
So ya can finally buck this stinking job away!"
Spike: "Twilight? Applejack is making dresses. I'm scared."
Applejack: "Ain't no way around it. Ah was stuck in Manehattan, homesick, then Ah heard tha Oranges mention that tha owner o'tha Carousel Boutique was lookin' fer an apprentice, so Ah begged fer a chance ta try, an' next thing ya know, Ah got a cutie mark an' a duty ta tha boutique."
Applejack: "What Ah ain't got, however, is an ounce o'artistic talent."
"Cryin' nine ta five - what a way ta make a livin'!
Nine ta five - each critic's unforgivin'
There's a better life - but it ain't not fer this pony
If they tell ya ta stay hopeful - ya know it's all baloney!"
Spike: "This is terrible! You have to get the Rainbow Deathray and shoot the Ebon Dragon before he causes any more damage!"
Twilight: "Spike... I don't think the Ebon Dragon is behind this mess."
Spike: "Neither do I, but still!"
Spike: "One problem at the time, though. What insane supervillain is behind this crisis?"
Twilight: *teary-eyes*
Twilight: "Spike... I am the idiot. Yesterday, while Spikely Whiplash was nibbling on the tribute the Underdark sends Empress Rarity..."
[Flashback!]
Twilight: "Hoo boy. It's been a long day. I should probably hit the hay soon."
Twilight: "And then get some pillows that aren't made of hay; I keep waking up hungry."
Mail Pony: "Package for Twilight Sparkle!"
Twilight: "Thank you, your services are, as always, deeply appreci-"
Mail Pony: "...From God-Queen Celestia!"
Twilight: "OUTTA MY WAY SOULLESS NPC I GOTTA CHECK THIS OUT!"
Package: *includes Star-Swirl's notebook and a letter*
Letter: "My beloved pawn, attached here is a notebook where Star-Swirl the Bearded, the legendary archmage, jotted down all his notes on his ultimate spell..."
Twilight: "NERDGASM!"
Letter: "...I am putting it in your care, since I think you are the only pony that might be able to actually finish it..."
Twilight: "JOYGASM!"
Letter: "...and by the way, the second volume of that clopfic, General Relativity Slash Quantum Mechanics, is out. I thought I'd let you know."
Twilight: "ORGASM!"
Twilight: "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! A notebook belonging to one of my historical idols! Some of the most advanced spellcraft in the universe! This is awesome beyond words!"
Twilight: "Let's see... What sort of spell is this..."
Twilight: *probes through with a hint of mana*
The Elements of Harmony: *are an insanely powerful mana focus*
The Elements of Harmony: *are right behind her*
The Elements of Harmony: *focus extra mana into the spellcraft*
[/Flashback!]
Twilight: "...And that's that way it must have happened!"
Spike: "You didn't need to mention the part about the clopfic, Twilight. You really really didn't."
Meanwhile, in Canterlot:
God-Queen Luna: "So, when you said you wanted her to keep the Rainbow Deathray nearby, in case the Ebon Dragon got funny ideas..."
God-Queen Celestia: "Any move that doesn't advance at least two plans is a wasted move!"
Spike: "Soooo... what? Star-Swirl was working on some kind of retcon spell?"
Twilight: "Not as such. Near as I can tell, he was working on some kind of destiny booster."
Spike: "In Equestrian, please."
Twilight: "Look... It's like this. It all comes down to the Plot."
Spike: "Huh?"
Twilight: "Well, the Plot is what gives a story its power. It's a narrative field affecting all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us; it binds the story arc together."
Twilight: "We all have a place in the plot. A destiny. It's all part and parcel of existing in Equestria (see "The Cutie Mark Chronicles" for a refresher). But our destiny isn't static. We build it. Develop it. My destiny to become an expert wizard, for example, could have simply led me to become a particularly powerful Canterlot mage... but, because I've studied hard, hard, hard under her Momjesty's tutelage, I've become the numero uno magical badass of unicornkind instead."
Twilight: "Star-Swirl wanted a spell that further protagonized the caster's destiny. Allowed them to become the platonic ideal of their destiny. Speed-loving athlete? Becomes a wielder of the Speed Force. Fun-loving friend of everyone in town? Somehow become the friend of literally everyone in the world."
Spike: "Cool. So, you cast the spell. What does that make you?"
Twilight: "Nothing, because Star-Swirl never quite got it to work! All the magical energies dispersed through the Elements of Harmony and into their bearers, and now, they've switched the destinies of my friends!"
Spike: "And it's changing the past because..."
Twilight: "Because I've messed with the Plot itself! I changed the story on a fundamental level! The Plot is now handling the contradictions to the best of its ability... and that means a bunch of retcons that are gradually taking place around us!"
Spike: "And you and I remember the original timeline..."
Twilight: "The magic expanded outward from the Elements of Harmony, but couldn't cause something so unharmonious in their actual presence. Kind of like being in the eye of the storm."
Spike: "OK. OK. I definitely wouldn't call this good, but, don't we already have ways of fixing this? Memory spells, Zecora's seeds of truth..."
Twilight: "Wouldn't work! The memory spells wouldn't keep their rewritten destinies from dragging them back into their new careers, and the seed of truth is just a glorified magical antibiotic!"
Spike: "So what now?"
Twilight: "Now?"
Twilight: "Now I done bucked up!"
[To the tune of the The Clash's "Police on my Back":]
"Well I'm crying
I have done bucked up!
Eyes aren't drying
I have done bucked up!
There was magic
I have done bucked up!
And five victims
Caught in a plot trap
I have ruined their Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday
Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Ruined their Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday
Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
What have I done?
What have I done?
So I'm drowning
Sorrows at the pub!
Can I solve this?
I have done bucked up!
And as I drink
One more cider cup
I ask "dumb, me?"
And the answer's "yup!"
I have ruined their Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday
Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Ruined their Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday
Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
What have I done?
What have I done?"
Meanwhile, in Canterlot:
God-Queen Luna: "OK, explain this faithful student concept to me again. Your idea of helping these ponies is to stick them in traumatic situations? What if they cannot escape from this conundrum?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Um, sister? Are you sure we're talking about the same ponies? They had their town taken over by a dark mage less than two months ago, they're who I send against dragons, they regularly put themselves through mental breakdowns without any input from me and then bounce back... This is a slow week for them."
God-Queen Celestia: "And frankly, if Twilight Sparkle, Savior of Worlds can't figure out how to solve a problem this simple... I'll eat my hat."
God-Queen Luna: "You have a hat?"
God-Queen Celestia: "There was this lovely fashion three centuries ago. I keep hoping it will make a comeback."
Twilight: "Alas, poor Ponyville! I knew it, Spike, a town of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. It hath bore me on its ground a thousand times, and now how abhorr'd in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it."
Twilight: "With the weather out of wack, daily life in town is arduous and tormented."
Twilight: "With the local fauna out of control, a thousand additional complications arise, and the ponies can't keep pets to help them relax a bit."
Twilight: "With the local fashion industry a joke, there is no cultural hub, no sense of connection to the greater Equestria, even with Canterlot within view, mocking us."
Twilight: "With Sweet Apple Acre a wreck, so is the local economy, as ponies must import food from out-of-town... and have no cider whatsoever."
Twilight: "And without Pinkie Pie to act as social balm, all these other factors combine to turn Ponyville into... well, into the sort of place you make New Jersey jokes about."
Twilight: "Spike... What are you doing with that microscope?"
Spike: "Trying to find a violin to play for you."
Twilight: "Spike, this is a serious problem!"
Spike: "Like buck it is! This problem will have gotten entirely solved by the end of the episode."
Twilight: "What makes you so certain?"
Spike: "Simple: I happen to live with a certain somepony called Twilight Sparkle, occasionally referred to as the Pony of Plans."
Spike: "When you read a prophecy about an Elder Evil about to blot out the sun, what did you do? You found and unlocked the most powerful weapon known to ponykind!"
Spike: "When an ursa minor attacked Ponyville, you pulled out a multi-stage superspell and sent it packing!"
Spike: "When Winter Wrap-Up was falling apart, you saved the day with bureaucracy!"
Spike: "When you participated in the Running of the Leaves, you outraced dozens of better-fit competitors! With your booksmarts!"
Spike: "When the Ebon Dragon brainwashed your squadmates, you fixed them up with a memory spell!"
Spike: "When Tartarus nearly had a cosmic jailbreak, you returned Cerberus to his post!"
Spike: "When Chrysalis schemed to conquer Canterlot, you blew the conspiracy wide open!"
Spike: "When Sombra tried to return, you figured out how to beat him and his traps!"
Spike: "When Darth Trixie took over Ponyville, you beat her with your Intelligence Score!"
Spike: "And when some magic messed up the Plot or whatever... Yeah, I'm not too worried. You aren't going to let your friends down."
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "You're right. Enough with the doom and gloom. It's more than time I got off my sorry flank - my friends need me, and..."
Twilight: "Wait."
Twilight: "...EUREKA!"
Spike: "That's... a good sound."
Twilight: "Spike, this is so obvious! The spell deformed the Plot to change my friends' destinies, right? But our destinies are interconnected."
Twilight: "Think back to how we earned our cutie marks in the original timeline: All of those events, resulting from Dash's sonic rainboom! We were all connected by the Plot before we'd even met! Equestria is one big narrative Rube Goldberg machine!"
Twilight: "We're all still friends, so clearly, the connection is still there! And it's been known since at least the days of Clover the Clever that friendship is magic!"
Spike: "Go on..."
Twilight: "All I need to do is recreate the conditions of the old sonic rainboom: Have friends directly or indirectly causing friends to engage in the activity that leads them to their original destiny! Since these are the domains they have a true, heartfelt connection to, it'll try to form a cutie mark; the current, warped timeline will try to fight back, but, with the magic of friendship on the side of the original, and the Elements of Harmony acting as a mana focus, the Plot will snap back like a rubber band!"
Spike: "Gentlemares, the Pony of Plans is in da house!"
Fluttershy: "Don't look back... If you don't look back, maybe you won't burst into tears..."
Twilight: "Fluttershy? What are you doing?"
Fluttershy: "Aw, darn it. I was hoping to avoid the sad goodbyes..."
Twilight: "..."
Fluttershy: "Twilight, I...I'm sorry. I just can't take it anymore. I'm supposed to be a comedian, but, I can't make anypony in Ponyville laugh. I try jokes, I try props... I try everything I can think of, but I just watch the townsponies get more and more frustrated, and none of them will laugh with me. At least in Cloudesdale, they laughed at me. That's worth something, right?"
[To the tune of Avenue Q's "Schadenfreude":]
Fluttershy: "Right now I'm feeling down and out, and feeling really crappy..."
Fluttershy: "And when they see how sad I am, it'll sorta make them-"
Twilight: "OK, no."
Fluttershy: "Huh?"
Twilight: "This episode has too many songs already, no way we're adding extra ones."
Twilight: "Look, Fluttershy... If you choose to leave Ponyville, we won't stop you..."
Spike: "Yes we will!"
Twilight: "...but before you go, we need your help, one last time. It's Rainbow Dash... She's really out of her depth with the animals. She needs help, presto."
Fluttershy: "Why ask me? I don't know anything about animals!"
Twilight: "Aside from your empathy, infinite well of compassion, and motherly nature... Maybe you don't know animals, but you know Rainbow Dash, right?"
Fluttershy: "..."
Fluttershy: "I know that she's loyal to a fault. I know she wouldn't turn her back on a friend in need. I know she looks adorable when I put the collar on her, hold the crop, and tell her-"
Spike: "Lalalalalalala! What is this, 'TMI the dragon' day?!"
Twilight: "Rainbow Dash, are you-"
Rainbow Dash: "AUUUGH! THE ANIMALS ARE REVOLTING!"
Fluttershy: "Dashie, I know they're giving you a hard time, but that's still not a very nice thing to say."
Animals: *are performing a violent revolution*
Fluttershy: "...Oh."
Animals: "FLESH FOR THE PET GODS! SKULLS FOR THE BUNNY THRONE!"
Fluttershy: "Twilight, quick! Save Rainbow Dash with your magic!"
Twilight: "I can't. You're the only person who can save her now."
Fluttershy: "What? Why?!"
Twilight: "Um... Because vaporizing quantum vacuums boosts the temporal capacitors!"
Fluttershy: "What?"
Twilight: "Now go!"
Fluttershy: "Um... OK... Little animals, I don't want to interrupt your ritual butchering of my friend..."
Rainbow Dash: "Er, I'd like to think you kinda do."
Fluttershy: "...but, I think it would be best if..."
One quick application of Charm Wildlife later:
"Our pony who art in Equestria,
Fluttershy be thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
thy will be done,
amongst parasprites as it is among bronies.
Give us this day our daily carrot,
and implore us not to eat too quickly,
lest our tummies be given to ache.
And lead us not into temptation,
Unless, of course, you really want to.
Amen." [/joke not by me]
Fluttershy: "My goodness! All I did was be nice but firm and feed them, and... Wasn't this job supposed to be hard? It all came so naturally! Like it's what I'm supposed to be doing with my life! Like..."
Twilight: "Rise, Fluttershy Prime!" *places Element of Harmony*
She remembers.
Fluttershy: "Whoa. Déjà vu..." *has her original cutie mark back*
Twilight: "My theory has been confirmed! Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!"
Fluttershy: "Memories... mixing... Twilight, what happened? Why do I have these weird, vague memories of some really depressing timeline?"
Twilight: "Magical mishap. Let's fix it!"
[To the tune of Belinda Carlisle's "Heaven Is a Place on Earth":]
"For our friends we'll rock heavens and earth
True friendship has unending worth
Celestia says friends give us mirth
True friendship has unending worth
True friendship has unending worth-"
Rainbow Dash: "Ahem. My mirth would be much greater if I weren't tied up in a pot right now."
Fluttershy: "But Dashie, it looks good on y-"
Twilight: "Nevertheless, we should get her out. Rarity needs her help."
Fluttershy: "I... ohhhh. Yeah. Dashie, Rarity needs your help with the weather patterns!"
Rainbow Dash: "Why are you telling me? I've never been on the weather team. Couldn't you help her just as much?"
Fluttershy: "Ah, no, you see, I can't do it, because, because..."
Twilight: "It's a complex reason involving arcane magical theory, but I suppose we could spare some thirty minutes for me to explain the finer intricacies of-"
Rainbow Dash: "I'll do it! I'll do it! Have mercy!"
Twilight: "Heh. Still got it."
Rarity: "Of all the worst things that could possibly happen, my life is THE WORST! POSSIBLE! THING!"
Rarity: "Stuck with an abominable job that I hate and am ludicrously unqualified for, hated by the townsponies for good reason... How long, oh Celestia, before you let me die?"
Rarity: "Wait. Who turned on the Sun?"
Celestia, in Canterlot: *blushing coyly* "Wouldn't you like to know."
Rainbow Dash: "Holy manure! Destroying clouds is FUN!"
Rainbow Dash: "By Celestia! I can do to those clouds everything I've ever fantasized about doing to that bunny!"
Rainbow Dash: "FALL! FALL BEFORE THE OBLITERATING MIGHT OF RAINBOW DASH, CLOUD EXTERMINATOR! MACH ONE KICK! SONIC RAINBOMB! TORNADO TORTURE! SUPREME SUPLEX!"
Rainbow Dash: "Huh. I... I cleared these skies in ten seconds flat. I... I liked it. I loved it. It's like getting something physical done in record time was really-"
Twilight: "Rise, Rainbow Dash Prime!" *places Element of Harmony*
She remembers.
Rainbow Dash: "What in Dream Valley just-"
Twilight: "I can explain later. For now, Applejack is trying to make dresses!"
Rainbow Dash: "OK, that's just wrong. Rarity... You're obsessively good with patterns, right?"
"When the chips are down
You're there to help me pick them off the ground
And the world's alive
Thanks to folks like you, whose love makes it thrive
When you give me a friendly hug
All of my problems I can shrug
And we're spinning with the stars above
And you lift me up with platonic love"
Applejack: "Ah canna take it. Ah just canna take it no more. This job here be killin' mah soul. Ah canna get it right no matter how many times Ah-"
Rarity: "Oh dear. Applejack, can I give it a try? I think this would look better if..."
Ten minutes later:
Rarity: "I HAVE CREATED! I, Empress Rarity, Tyrant of the Underdark, have wrought beauty from mere fabric! Look at this thing - this dress is so beautiful, you could wear it at a God-Queen's coronation! I want to keep doing this forever! I-"
Twilight: "Rise, Rarity Prime!" *places Element of Harmony*
She remembers.
Rarity: "Let us never speak of this again."
Twilight: "Then let us speak of how Pinkie Pie is about to lose Sweet Apple Acre."
Applejack: "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Rarity: "Well! We can't allow that to pass, now can we? Applejack, my dear... Surely you remember a thing or two from those early years on the farm..."
"For our friends we'll rock heavens and earth
True friendship has unending worth
Celestia says friends give us mirth
True friendship has unending worth
True friendship has unending worth"
Pinkamena Diane Pie: "Still better than the rock farm... Still better than the rock farm... Still better than the OH CELESTIA I'M STARTING TO MISS THE ROCK FARM!"
Applejack: "Have no fear, tha Apple is here!"
Applejack: "See, ya gotta buck that tree like this..."
Applejack: "...an' plow tha field like this..."
Applejack: "...an' delegate accountin' ta Big Mac like this..."
Applejack: "...Ah went ta Manehattan an' abandoned all o'this?! Ah'm an idiot! This is what Ah shoulda been doin' all along! This is mah-"
Twilight: "Rise, Applejack Prime!" *places Element of Harmony*
She remembers.
Applejack: "Yeehaw! Good job, gals - ye've done freed me from tha curse o'whichever crazed supervillain was responsible fer this!"
Twilight: "Eh-heh. That's gonna be one fun conversation. It's definitely a conversation we're not having until we've restored Miss Social Balm over here."
Applejack: "On it! Pinkie, Ah realize this here be a bit confusin' fer ya, but Ah think ya need ta cheer Ponyville up..."
"When I feel alone
I reach for you, and you take me home
When I'm lost at sea
I hear your voice, and it carries me
In this world we're just beginning
To understand the miracle of friendship
Pony I was afraid before
But I'm not afraid anymore"
Pony #1: "Life sucks!"
Pony #2: "Ponyville sucks!"
Pony #3: "Everything sucks!"
Pinkamena Diane Pie: "Vacuum sucks!"
Townsponies: "Huh?"
Pinkamena Diane Pie: "Well it does! Every time I try to get myself some nice, empty vacuum, it manages to get some air inside of it! It just sucks, I tell you!"
Townsponies: "Heh..."
Pink D. Pie: "And don't get me started on vacuum cleaners! Everytime I use them, five minutes later my vacuum is dirty again!"
Townsponies: "Heh heh heh..."
Pinkie Pie: "A chuckle! You chuckled! I want to make you chuckle! I want to make you laugh! I want to make you SMILE and put all of you in the rolodex inside my head and be friends with everyone and spread good cheer from here to..."
Twilight: "Rise, Pinkie Pie Prime!" *places Element of Harmony*
She remembers.
Pinkie Pie: "You know what this calls for?"
Townsponies: "A PARTY!"
"For our friends we'll rock heavens and earth
True friendship has unending worth
Celestia says friends give us mirth
True friendship has unending worth
True friendship has unending worth!"
Twilight: "I'm so so so glad you're all back to normal!"
Twilight: "So, um, sorry about accidentally putting you through this."
Applejack: "No grudge, Twilight. Let she who never done messed up in a major way cast tha first stone."
Twilight: "D'awww."
Twilight: "Wait."
Twilight: *sparkle of inspiration*
Twilight: "OF COURSE!"
Applejack: "What?"
Twilight: "The spell! I know why it didn't work! And more to the point, I know how to make it work!"
Twilight: "Star-Swirl was working on a way to supercharge the caster's destiny. But it was his student, Clover the Clever, who wrote the first treatise on the magic of friendship. And the connection between magic and the Plot was poorly understood in that era! His equations couldn't account for that factor!"
Twilight: "But I can! I've been studying the magic of friendship since I got to this crazy town! This is my entire thesis subject!"
Twilight: "So, if I factor in friendship, and move a few variables here... Voilà! A spell able to infuse its caster with the power of the Plot, allowing them to become the very epitome of what they're supposed to be!"
Applejack: "Twilight, ye're a genius!"
Rarity: "Why, I do believe you have just crafted the most epic work of spellcraft in Equestria's History!"
Rainbow Dash: "Awesome!"
Fluttershy: "Well done, Twilight!"
Pinkie Pie: "You know what this calls for? A-"
Spike: "See? I told you this problem would have gotten entirely solved by the end of the episode!"
Twilight: "Ha, yeah, I guess-"
Twilight: "Wait. This isn't the end of the episode. There's, what, over seven minutes left?"
Rainbow Dash: "Wow. I guess we've... gotten kinda good at this."
Spike: "Uh... What happens when you resolve an episode's plot with extra time to spare?"
Twilight: "Well, that would create a disturbance in the Plot, which would create mana waves that-"
Elements of Harmony: *are an insanely powerful mana focus*
Elements of Harmony: *activate ultimate spell!*
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Well, I created this thing. I will trust in the Plot, in the magic of friendship, and in my spellcraft. Come what may..."
ABRA COSMIC DABRA!
Fluttershy: "What the hug just happened?"
Pinkie Pie: "AIIIIEEE! Scorch marks where Twilight was standing!"
Applejack: "Please please please tell me tha Elements o'Harmony didn't just disintegrate Twilight!"
Spike: "The Elements of Harmony didn't just disintegrate Twilight. It's not the first time I've seen her leave scorch marks - it happens whenever she teleports over really, really long distances."
Rainbow Dash: "Then where is she now?"
Twilight, floating in a strange place: "..."
Twilight: "OK, we can't make Twilight Zone jokes. Already did that with the previous season finale. So, what is this place? How did I get here? How can I be standing when there seems to be no ground?"
God-Queen Celestia: "To answer your questions in order, my beloved Twilight: This is a higher plane of existence. You got here through ascension. And you can stand because this plane is shaped by thought of magic, both of which you wield expertly."
God-Queen Celestia: "...You kind of need to have a place like this to work with at this level. When you're a god, and playing billiard with the universe, it's important to have a place that gives you the full perspective..."
Twilight: "Your Momjesty! Am I glad to see you. I've been having a crazy day."
God-Queen Celestia: "Graduation can be like that."
Twilight: "G-g-graduation?"
God-Queen Celestia: "It would seem, to me at least, that your thesis project is complete, no?"
Twilight: "Well, yeah, but I always kind of assumed I'd be sending you my research papers by dracofax so you could examine them or something."
God-Queen Celestia: "Twilight, I think you need to comprehend what you've accomplished here. You have created the Apotheosis Spell. Magic that turns you into the ultimate conclusion of your nature, of what you've always strived to be. Star-Swirl, brilliant and powerful though he was, couldn't do it, lacking your understanding of friendship."
Twilight: "When you assigned me to Ponyville... It wasn't just because I wanted to be with my newfound friends, was it."
God-Queen Celestia: "Technically, it was exactly because of that! The better your understanding of friendship, the greater your wisdom, the more equipped you were to attain your true destiny."
God-Queen Celestia: "You have come such a long way, Twilight, from how you were back in Canterlot. You have learned so much. You are, well and truly, worthy of the name Twilight Sparkle, Savior of Worlds!"
[To the tune of LMNT's "It's Just You":]
"You can do the things that can't be done
You can win the fights that can't be won
When faced with a puzzle you will find each clue
When faced with a villain you will run them through
Twilight Sparkle, do you see?
It's your apotheosis!
It's just you, doing the implausible
It's you, practically unstoppable
It's you, your triumph's predictable
It's you, it's you, you'll do the impossible!
When the world's in trouble and we're in distress
I can dracofax you, send an SOS
Help a friend in need or fight Elder Evil
Or handle ancient magic item retrieval
Twilight Sparkle, do you see?
It's your apotheosis!
It's just you, doing the implausible
It's you, practically unstoppable
It's you, your triumph's predictable
It's you, it's you, you'll do the impossible!
On your flank we've seen the sign
Seen the way the stars align
Seen your magic shining through
And now your destiny comes true!
It's just you, doing the implausible
It's you, practically unstoppable
It's you, your triumph's predictable
It's you, it's you, you'll do the impossible!
It's you, doing the implausible
It's you, practically unstoppable
It's you, your triumph's predictable
It's you, it's you, you'll do the impossible!"
Twilight: "Wait, wait. What do you mean by apotheosis? I thought this was graduation!"
Twilight's soul: "POWER! UNLIMITED POWER!"
Twilight: "Wa?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Twilight, you've cast the Apotheosis Spell. You are turning into the logical conclusion of the very concept of 'Twilight Sparkle', taken all the way through."
Twilight: "And... what... would that be?"
God-Queen Celestia: "A friendly, heroic, magical genius pony with a tendency to lead and save the world? Think about it."
Twilight: *digivolves to...*
Applejack: "So where is Twilight? An' why did tha sun go down just enough ta be below tha horizon all symbolically-like? An' why's tha symbol o'magic shinin' in tha sky? An' are tha answers ta all these questions connected?"
Twilight: *is here!*
Applejack: "GASP! Twilight! You look... different..."
Rarity: "My goodness! You certainly do!"
Twilight: "You... You're right. I feel different, too."
Twilight: "I feel... lighter. Or rather, I think my legs are stronger. But at the same time, I think my bone structure got denser."
Twilight: "And there's this... connection to the ground, and to all the plant life in it. Like my sense of touch got extended, and has some form of biofeedback going on."
Twilight: "I... I can't believe it! It's like I've acquired all the inherent powers of earth ponies!"
Applejack: "..."
Fluttershy: "..."
Pinkie Pie: "..."
Rarity: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Spike: "..."
Applejack: "Twilight... Ye've got wings."
Twilight: "What? Don't be silly, I-" *looks to the side* "HOLY RAVIOLI I GOT WINGS!"
Rarity: "You have become an alicorn! What is this I don't even"
Rainbow Dash: "Well, I, for one, am eager to see how fast those wings can go!"
Pinkie Pie: "ALICORN PARTYYYYY!"
Everyone else: "WTB?"
Fluttershy: "Um, wow. I hope it's not blasphemous of me to say this, but... you look like a God-Queen!"
Suddenly Celestia: "That's because she IS a God-Queen!"
Everyone else: "WTB?!"
Twilight: "Wait, wait. Hold it. I... Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary evidence. Your Momjesty, can you... please raise the sun, just for a minute?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Granted."
Twilight: *stares at sun through telescope*
Sun: "Are you a God-Queen?"
Twilight: "Yes!"
Sun: "THEN PAY THE PRICE FOR... Wait, what? Oh. Oh! Terribly sorry about that. I'll be gone now."
God-Queen Celestia: "You do that." *lowers the sun*
Spike: "HA! When someone asks if you're a God-Queen, you say yes!"
Twilight: "OK. OK. I'm not panicking. But I still want some explanation."
God-Queen Celestia: "Twilight, this is what the spell did. It fulfilled your potential. Made you as you as you could be. It made you the arch-magical God-Queen of Friendship."
Twilight: "You mean, like you and Luna are the sun and the moon, Cadence and I are love and..."
God-Queen Celestia: "Oversimplified, but yes. Both Equestria and the Rainbow Deathray are built on a set of virtues - and since coming to Ponyville, you have embodied these virtues admirably, in addition to your natural leadership."
God-Queen: "...And, really, you're more suited for a leadership role than most politicians I know, so I think we might as well go with the flow here and make your God-Queenship official."
Twilight: "But... but... but... Change is scary! Does this mean I won't be your student anymore?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Think of yourself as a post-doc. You can still turn to your old thesis adviser for counsel, but you're also gonna start working as a teaching assistant, and even give classes... Or, to put analogies aside: We're all your students too, now."
Twilight: "But... What do I do now? Is there some book about being a God-Queen I should read?" [/actual dialog]
God-Queen Celestia: "Aside from Machiavelli? A few. Some pretty good ones. But there'll be time for that later. It's not like I'm not gonna throw you into some governorship position tomorrow morning or anything."
Twilight: "Whew."
Coronation Day at Canterlot Castle!
God-Queen Celestia: "Fillies and gentlecolts! Some of you have heard of Twilight Sparkle, Savior of Worlds after she saved Equestria from eternal night, and returned to us my long-lost sister, God-Queen Luna (who is an awesome pony whom you guys are all missing out on, and with whom you should hang out more often). Some of you have heard of here after she saved our universe from a rampaging, reality-warping Yozi. Some of you have heard of her after she helped save Canterlot during the recent Changeling Invasion. Some of you have heard of her after she and her friends saved the Crystal Empire from King Sombra. The rest of you seriously need to get out more."
God-Queen Celestia: "But today, we are gathered here to celebrate her ascension into Equestria's newest God-Queen. Yup, we got FOUR alicorns now! Let it not be said that Equestria will fall behind in the magical arms race!"
Twilight Sparkle's mom, Twilight the Dream Valley survivor: *sob* "Our foals are the best ponies in History!"
Twilight Sparkle's dad, The Great and Powerful Trickster: "Where did we go so insanely right?"
Enters Twilight Sparkle, God-Queen in training!
Enter the Platinum Quadruplet, hired to sing at the coronation! (They're not actually descended from Princess Platinum, it's just part of their stage persona.)
[To the tune of the original TMNT theme:]
"Behold God-Queen Twilight Sparkle
Behold God-Queen Twilight Sparkle
Behold God-Queen Twilight Sparkle
Behold her the buck out! Yeah behold!
She's Twilight, the Savior of the World! (She's really great!)
All villains that dare face her will get mauled! (Hey! I just ate!)
Next time Tambelon attacks
The Queen of Nerds will cut them no slack!
Behold God-Queen Twilight Sparkle
Behold God-Queen Twilight Sparkle
Celestia has taught her half her tricks! (Best teacher ever!)
Her Plasma Buster spells sure have some kick! (And she's so clever!)
There's her brother and sister-in-law (Force-fields ahoy!)
And her friends and teammates are ready to go! (Deathraaaaay!)
Behold God-Queen Twilight Sparkle
Behold God-Queen Twilight Sparkle
Behold God-Queen Twilight Sparkle
Behold her the buck out! Yeah behold!"
Crowd: "Yay! New God Queen! That's probably a good thing!"
God-Queen Celestia: "I believe you're supposed to make your speech now, Twilight."
Twilight: "Y-yes. OK, OK, I'll try not to let stage fright paralyze me... I'm still working on that whole God-Queen thing."
God-Queen Celestia: "Would it help if I referred to you as Doctor Twilight? Post-thesis and all?"
Twilight Sparkle, Ph.D: "Actually, yes."
Twilight Sparkle, Ph.D: "Ahem. Everyone... Thank you for coming. Some time ago, my mentor, Celestia, sent me to Ponyville to make some friends. Now, me... When I was young, I was too busy to make any friends. Such silliness did not seem worth the effort it expends."
Twilight Sparkle, Ph.D: *gazes at Elemental Harmony Squad* "But my little ponies, you opened up my eyes. And now the truth is crystal clear, as splendid summer skies. And it's such a wonderful surprise!"
Twilight Sparkle, Ph.D: "My friends have helped not just to beat the archvillain du jour, or even just have a good time. They have helped me grow into who I am today, and, without them, I would not be standing here before you. (I'd probably be getting myself killed in a resistance movement against Night Mare Moon, but that's beside the point.)"
Twilight Sparkle, PhD: "So, to steal from Lou Gehrig: Today, I consider myself the luckiest pony in Equestria." [/actual paraphrase]
And the crowd goes wild!
Captain Equestria: "Way to go, Twiley!"
Twilight: "Thanks bro...Hey, are you crying?"
Captain Equestria: "Of course not! It's liquid pride; totally different thing!" [/actual quote]
Applejack: "Twilight? Ya may think ye're the luckiest pony in Equestria, but, as yer friends, Ah like ta think we can rival ya!"
Pinkie Pie: "Wheeee! A Canterlot party of the non-boring kind!"
Rarity: "A most lovely coronation for a most lovely God-Queen."
Rainbow Dash: "I'd say you're 20% cooler now, but, honestly, you were kinda breaking the aweso-meter even before, so..."
Fluttershy: "We love you."
Twilight: "I know."
And many hugs were had!
Derpy Hooves: "That was totally worth skipping work to watch!"
Carrot Top: "Skip work? Didn't the State give postal employees a day off for this?"
Derpy Hooves: "I meant my other job, as a bounty hunter. There's this blue unicorn with massive debts that I can't seem to find."
Doctor Hooves: "I thought I knew the name!"
Dinky: "Huh?"
Doctor Hooves: "Twilight Sparkle! Future God-Queen. Elected for three successive terms. The architect of Equestria's Golden Age."
Dinky: "Three terms of what?"
Doctor Hooves: "That would be telling."
Twilight: "So. Achieved enlightenment superpowers. Doing better than ever. Will actually live long enough to read all the books in the library. And graduated magna cum laude squared!"
Twilight: "In your face, Murphy's Law! IN! YOUR! FACE!"
[To the tune of Lordi's "The Devil's a Loser":]
Twilight: "Got magic power and heroic fame
Solved every problem - often the hard way
I dealt with pain - and got gain
While Derpy's handling mail
I'm getting stronger while my foes get weak
I wrote a thesis and it's pretty sleek
I have it all - and then some more
I'm rocking Ponyville!
Through Hasbro Incorporated
In a show that's highly-rated
All of my victories are fated
Get on get on up! All will be well
Because Murphy is a loser and life's my bitch!
My grocer's Applejack and my tailor's rich!
Because Murphy is a loser and life's my bitch!
Dropping Murphy's Law in a ditch
Life's my bitch!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "We're God-Queen's agents with a license to kill
Each one of us shows fantastic skill
Think we will save the day? Of course we will!
All our dreams get fulfilled!
Each month we face an apocalypse
We've changed the face of geo-politics
Had some cool arcs, soon we'll have some more
Awaiting season 4!
Through Hasbro Incorporated
In a show that's highly-rated
All of our victories are fated
Get on get on up! All will be well
Because Murphy is a loser and life's our bitch!
The farmer's Applejack and the taylor's rich!
Because Murphy is a loser and life's our bitch!
Dropping Murphy's Law in a ditch
Life's our bitch!"
Whoops! Thanks for catching that. XD
(And just for the record, re: the first part of the review... It's admittedly very, very debatable whether bringing back a genocidal supervillain like the Emperor is a good idea. But, well, in this continuity he's going to have his hands full trying to unfuck the Imperium.)
I wouldn't call the Emperor evil. Wouldn't call him Good either. He's a lot less then the Imperium tends to think he is, but a lot more than the present-day Imperium has convinced themselves he was. Speaking of which, in that opening, do I sense the genesis of our friends at FIXFIC?
I'm pretty comfortable calling the Emperor evil. He's significantly less evil than the Imperium that worships him, but only because that is such an abysmally low bar to clear.
And, well, I wrote this review in 2013. Agents of F.I.X.F.I.C. had yet to be a gleam in my eye (and in fact, I wasn't yet aware of the CYOAs genre). But hey, it's the sort of thing I'd come up with.
(But while either God-Queen Celestia or someone very much like her no doubt sits on F.I.X.F.I.C.'s board of director, Discord very much does not.)
- Location
- New Hampshire
Of course he'll mess with one of the only unambiguously-good characters in the franchise. It's Discord, after all.
This episode... it's not good. I'm sorry, but it really isn't. They took three or four episode's worth of plot and shoved it into the first half of the episode. Twilight's actions concerning the spell were so fucked up it almost beggars the mind. And then she gets rewarded for screwing up so massively. Having Ponyville falling apart without the Mane Six still leaves a sour taste in my mouth, too. As someone who's not the main character even in his own life, basically being told, "You don't matter!" just feels so damned insulting.
TO be fair, I don't think it was just the lack of the Mane Six: It was that the Mane Six were trying to do each other's jobs, poorly. That made the situation worse then if they just weren't there at all.
He's not on the Board, but he's probably somewhere in the Forbidden Vault...I'm pretty comfortable calling the Emperor evil. He's significantly less evil than the Imperium that worships him, but only because that is such an abysmally low bar to clear.
And, well, I wrote this review in 2013. Agents of F.I.X.F.I.C. had yet to be a gleam in my eye (and in fact, I wasn't yet aware of the CYOAs genre). But hey, it's the sort of thing I'd come up with.
(But while either God-Queen Celestia or someone very much like her no doubt sits on F.I.X.F.I.C.'s board of director, Discord very much does not.)
- Location
- New Hampshire
Ah, but where was the Apple family to help out Applemina? Where was the weather team was saw in Hurricane Fluttershy? Sugarcube Corner's not the only place to get food. And ponies don't need clothes from Carousel Boutique. Why didn't the other citizens step in and help them?
Equestria Girls
In the Astral Plane:
God-Queen Luna: "Dear sister, are thou here? I was pondering the curriculum that you wished to subject your recent graduate to, given that-"
God-Queen Celestia: *is laughing uncontrollably*
God-Queen Luna: "Sister? Celly?"
God-Queen Celestia: *still laughing, pointing at one of the viewscreens* "She spaced him! She ejected him into space! Right into the black hole!"
God-Queen Luna: "Um."
God-Queen Celestia: "I was just keeping watch, like he'd agreed I'd do, and I was nudging his blue box so it would fall into the right pit for him to find later, and now those two have dropped the bastard into a black hole! This is fantastic!"
God-Queen Luna: "I... can come back later?"
EQUESTRIA GIRLS
Welcome to the Crystal Empire! Home of this year's Equestrian Games, and of the Heart of Ponyland 2.0!
Applejack: "Ah still canna believe our very own Twilight's achieved apotheosis! An' graduated!"
Twilight Sparkle, PhD: "To be honest, I'll confess I'm… slightly apprehensive about the whole thing?"
Pinkie Pie: "You mean, feelings of nervousness gnawing at you, devouring your entrails, trying to hang you with your own intestines, keeping you awake at night, always telling you that you are, forever, not good enough?"
Fluttershy: "Welcome to my life."
Pinkie Pie: "Well shucks, Twilight! We've all been there!"
Rarity: "I, for one, cannot help but notice that you're not wearing your crown."
Twilight: "It's in the luggage. I just don't feel ready to wear in public the tip of a friendship-powered WMD that also identifies me as a budding cosmic entity - especially now that I know it can act as an overpowered mana focus for my spells. Heck, I'm still getting used to the wings."
Rainbow Dash: "Weren't you able to fly across Canterlot at the coronation?"
Twilight: "Completely different thing. I was gliding on the narrativium energies of the song number."
Rainbow Dash: "Fair enough."
Rarity: "Well, to each their own. If I had a crown like that... I wouldn't take it off. Ever. I'd go to Nightmare Night as a princess or something."
Twilight: "I can completely believe that."
The royal chamber!
Twilight: *bumps into soldier pony*
Soldier Pony: "Her highness, Princess Twi-"
Twilight: "Ahem."
Soldier Pony: "...Her highness, Twilight Sparkle, PhD!"
Twilight: "Thank you."
God-Queen Celestia: "Ah, the Elemental Harmony Squad! So very good to see you. We have much to discuss, but that can wait after you've all had a good night's sleep. So, I will stick for now with only this two-hour speech I've prepared:"
God-Queen Celestia: "Now off to bed, ponies."
Twilight: "...That was a two-hour speech?"
God-Queen Celestia: "I cut out the non-essentials."
Twilight: "Spike, be honest: Does this crown make my head look fat?"
Spike: "...You're not going to go into one of your over-worrying breakdowns, right?"
Twilight: "No, it's just... Cadance achieved alicornhood off-screen, and her Momjesty later appointed her interim governor of the Crystal Empire - and that position is looking less and less 'interim' by the day! What if she decided to put me in charge of some province?"
Spike: "Then your reign shall be glorious and full of lectures!"
Twilight: "I'm serious! Just because I'm a badass archmage who was able to complete the Apotheosis Spell, that doesn't make me a good leader!"
Spike: "How about successfully leading the Elemental Harmony Squad against Night Mare Moon, the Ebon Dragon, the swarm of pony-sized acid-spewing hornets, the…"
Twilight: "OK, fine, but there's a difference between a superhero squad leader and a peacetime political leader!"
Spike: "Just sleep on it, Twilight. I don't want to end up having this conversation with a sleep-deprived alicorn."
Twilight: "Fair enough. I'm sure getting some sleep will help me discuss this as rationally as possible later."
*four hours later*
Twilight: "HOW THE BUCKING BUCKITY BUCK DO PEGASI SLEEP WITH THESE WINGS GETTING IN THE WAY?!"
Spike: *sighs, resigns himself to a difficult day ahead*
[To the tune of Phineas&Ferb's "Kick it up a Notch":]
If you want MLP, bronies just keep watching
It ain't no season 4, but we hope that it can still entertain
We've got hooves on the ground, a great creative team
We're crossing items off the fanfic writers' dreams
With yet another villain here to commit a crime
And with the Where-I-Watcher struggling to make all of these lines rhyme
Rejoice for this is movie time!
This is movie time!
More than an hour long
This is movie time!
It has more than one song
This is movie time!
And since we've changed our old status quo
Let's see how many changes we still can make, while keeping MLP strong!
This is movie time!
Yeah, time for Sunset Shimmer!
This is movie time!
Can Twilight still end up the winner?!
This is movie time!
'Cause now she'll face the high school senior from Hell!
This is movie time!
More than an hour long
This is movie time!
It has more than one song
This is movie time!
With a changed status quo
Let's see how many changes we still can make, while keeping MLP strong!
At night:
Magical cowled villainous pony who is not Trixie this time around: *lockpick spell*
MCVPWINTTTA: *stealth*
MCVPWINTTTA: *steals Elemental Harmony Crown, replaces with replica*
MCVPWINTTTA: *bucks up, wakes Twilight and Spike*
Twilight: "Thievery! Larceny! Criminality! Plot! Somepony catch that MCVPWINTTTA! To me, Elemental Harmony Squad!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: *chases MCVPWINTTTA*
Twilight: "Never assume that a unicorn can't move faster than her running speed!" *teleports in front of MCVPWINTTTA*
MCVPWINTTTA: "I wasn't assuming." *teleports past Twilight*
Twilight: "Wait, what? The number of ponies who can teleport this quickly is less than I can count on my… my… well, something I have ten of!"
Twilight: "Oh well. If anything, you've just greatly reduced the list of potential suspects."
Twilight: *tackles MCVPWINTTTA*
Elemental Harmony Crown: *ricochets across the room, and goes through a mirror*
Mirror: *not actually damaged*
Twilight: "...Da buck did I just watch?"
MCVPWINTTTA: "Aaaaaand that's my cue. Winner exit, stage right." *escapes via mirror*
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "...I'm sure her Momjesty has a spare Rainbow Deathray."
God-Queen Celestia: "I see. Your description is a dead ringer for none other than Sunset Shimmer."
Twilight: "Who?"
God-Queen Celestia: "You might call her my most unfaithful student. She was… shortly before your time. She enrolled in my School for Gifted Unicorns, but, when she couldn't get her way quickly enough, she dropped out, and decided to become a supervillain."
Twilight: "...I don't get it. You're the most awesome teacher ever. How could a student of yours turn evil?"
God-Queen Celestia: "That... was kind of my fault, really. Back then, I was obsessed with putting together the perfect Batman Gambit to redeem my sister. Trying to fulfill prophecies can be… tricky. Let's say that when I found a driven, magically-gifted unicorn named after the 'shine that reconciles night and day', I jumped to conclusions."
God-Queen Celestia: "If anything, I owe Sunset an apology. Barely a young filly, she was dropped into the role of Savior of Worlds, with huge expectations that she had to work so hard to live up to… only for it to gradually turn out that she wasn't the Chosen One."
God-Queen Celestia: "In hindsight? I screwed up, big time. I was so focused on disarming the doomsday clock, that I didn't make enough time for her and her emotional turmoil."
God-Queen Luna: "Yes, yes. Terribly tragic. May we now focus on recovering the irreplaceable superweapon?"
Twilight: "Well, first I'd need to learn more about that... mirror, or whatever it was."
God-Queen Luna: "As we do not have all day, I shall give you notes so condensed, that you could realistically read them in the time you could spend hanging off a cliff."
God-Queen Luna: "In the ancient days, there existed a Rainbow Bridge. A Bifrost, if you will. It joined two worlds - the land that would one day become Equestria, and another world - a very, very alien one."
God-Queen Luna: "When my sister and I ascended to godhood, we rebooted this world, turning it into something far less dangerous. But the Bifrost couldn't really handle the change, and shattered. We tried to forge a portal of sorts from the shards - this so-called 'mirror' - but what we got, instead, led us to an intermediate world."
Twilight: "Intermediate world?"
God-Queen Luna: "A reflection of other realities. Possibly a side-effect of the reality reboot and the shattering of Bifrost, combining elements of both worlds."
God-Queen Luna: "...Or at least, that's what our studies were able to conclude. Since the mirror only allows passage during specific time intervals, learning more was always tricky."
God-Queen Luna: "For most of Equestria's history, the mirror was kept in the Canterlot throne room, so that if some Elder Evil crawled out, there would be a God-Queen on hand to deal with it. Following the liberation of the Crystal Empire, we placed it here, figuring the Heart of Ponyland 2.0 could do the job even better."
God-Queen Celestia: "Deep down, I always hoped that Sunset Shimmer had found her destiny on the other side of the mirror, and was having epic world-saving adventures as a hero from another world. But that was too optimistic."
Cadence: "Anyway, we need the Elemental Harmony Crown back ASAP. Without it, the rest of the Rainbow Deathray is just an assortment of shiny rocks."
Rarity: "Do not diss shiny rocks, please."
God-Queen Luna: "To make matters worse, it is all too likely that Sunset Shimmer will figure out a way to weaponize the crown within the intermediate world - and its inhabitants may not have the means to defend themselves. As such, Doctor Sparkle, it is vital that you head there and retrieve the purloined artifact post-haste."
God-Queen Celestia: "Go out there and save worlds, Twilight."
Rainbow Dash: "Twilight and the rest of the Elemental Harmony Squad. That's what you really meant, right?"
God-Queen Celestia: "I'm afraid not. This is a task Twilight must handle alone."
Twilight: "...You mean, because it's actually a test that I win by realizing I must accept help from others even if that goes against my orders?"
God-Queen Celestia: "No, because following you would be physically impossible. If it were that simple, I'd already be there myself."
God-Queen Celestia: "Unfortunately, there are hard limits on the amount of mass that can cross the mirror. Two full-sized ponies? Acceptable. Three? Not a chance."
Twilight: "And since Sunset Shimmer is already on the other side…"
God-Queen Celestia: "...I cannot cross the gap. Even Luna is unable to. I'm afraid we can only send one regular-sized heroine, and Twilight, you're the most qualified."
Twilight: "Ah."
Twilight Sparkle, Ph.D: "Allons-y, then!" *crosses portal*
Spike: "..."
Spike: "Hey, guess what's purple and smaller than a pony and on the other side of the portal? MY FACE!" *runs through portal*
God-Queen Celestia: "...Well, that works too."
Trippy dimension-hopping sequence!
Twilight: "Urgh... Dear Momjesty, today I learned that dimensional travel should be undertaken with some aspirin."
Spike: "Prepare for an entirely different kind of headache."
Twilight: "Spike? You're looking... canine."
Spike: "NOOOOO! Universe, you can't turn me into a mammal! That's just cruel!"
Twilight: "Sssssso, I take it you won't be pet-sitting Wynona today."
Spike: "On the bright side, at least I know what I am. You seem more, ah, obscure."
Twilight: *notices*
Twilight: "AHHHHH! TENTACLES! TENTACLES! MY HOOVES HAVE TURNED INTO TENTACLES! I DON'T WANT TO BE A HENTAI MONSTER!"
Spike: "Twilight, focus!"
Twilight: *throws her cares away*
Twilight: *that's a lot of cares!*
Twilight: "What... do I look like?"
Spike: "...I don't even know where to begin. You look... Twilight Sparklish, at least?"
Spike: "Kind of a flat face, though."
Twilight: *sobs*
Twilight: "OK. OK. Serious Twilight is serious. We need to find the superweapon firing module, and this massive building here looks like a good place to start."
Spike: "Hi-ho, Twilight!"
Passerby: *walks dog*
Passerby: *sees weird girl running on all four with her dog on her back*
Passerby: "WTF?"
Spike: "Ah, Twilight? I'm not sure your current form uses quadrupedal locomotion."
Passerby: "Did... Did your dog just talk?"
Spike: "Ha ha ha, of course not. Twilight here is just a skilled ventriloquist."
Passerby: "Right, I guess that makes sense." *wanders off*
Twilight: "Just great. A bipedal form! Just what I needed!"
Spike: "I'm mostly bipedal."
Twilight: "You don't have these mismatched legs, with the hind ones being longer than the rest of your body! It's like walking on stilts!"
Spike: "Look on the bright side: At least you don't have to deal with wings!"
Twilight: "Spike? Permission to shut up granted."
Twilight: "Hm. Glass doors. In fact, lots of glass around this place. I'm gonna guess they've got good industrial production of the stuff on this world."
Twilight: *splats on door like a bug on a windshield*
Twilight: "WTB? My magic! I think there's some kind of disjunction field neutralizing my magic!"
Spike: "Er... Actually, it's probably because your current form has no horn."
Twilight: "WHAT?! That should have been the first thing you mentioned!"
Twilight: "An archmage on a critical mission without magic! This is AWFUL! This is TERRIBLE! This is SUB-OPTIMAL!"
Spike: "So... away from all but one of your friends. No support network. No superweapon. No magic. I swear, it's like the universe is deliberately stripping you of every single advantage you have in a curious bid to see what you can accomplish with nothing but your mind and personality."
Twilight: "Once I get my powers back, I'm going to reboot the universe, restore it to its current state, then reboot it again over and over until it begs for mercy!"
A bit over 1000 years ago:
God-Queen Celestia: "That's for Molly!" *reboots universe* "And that's for Danny!" *reboots universe* "And that's for Molly!" *reboots universe* "And that's for the flutter ponies!" *reboots universe* "And that's for Molly!" *reboots universe* "And that's for the Crystal Empire!" *reboots universe* "And that's for Molly!" *reboots universe* "And that's for Aslan!" *reboots universe* "And that's for Molly!"
Universe: "Have... mercy…"
God-Queen Celestia: "I'll show mercy when you show me a way of getting my sister back!"
Universe: "How... how about a cryptic prophecy about stars helping her escape from Night Mare Moon's hold on her self?"
God-Queen Celestia: "I'll have that in writing, buster."
In the present:
Twilight: *checks trophies inside*
Twilight: "So. Other stolen artifacts, or just cheap craftsmanship?"
Spike: "Well, I'm not feeling a particularly strong desire to collect them all and sleep on them, so I'm leaning toward the latter."
Twilight: *sees own reflection*
Twilight: "Sweet Momjesty... I'm some kind of furless ape! I look vaguely reminiscent of those old fresques in the Crystal Empire!"
SUDDENLY RECESS!
Twilight: *drowns in the human tide*
Twilight: *bumps into blue-haired guy. Yep.*
Blue-haired guy: "Hey, you all right?" *helps Twilight up*
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "...Spike, wasn't that... suspiciously similar to how I bumped in that royal guard yesterday?"
Spike: "Kinda."
Twilight: "Riiiiight. This world is a mix of elements from Equestria and whatever was on the other side of the Bifrost. So, I should have some familiar elements at least. Now I need to take a step back, and analyze my new environment."
[To the (rough) tune of "A Whole New World":]
Let's examine this world - strange, unknown and mysterious
First a princess now an ape - how much more must I transform?
Let's keep open our eyes - these hominids seem studious
At specific intervals through these hallways they all swarm
Parallel world! One where strange bipeds rule the land!
They have no flight nor spells!
And thus I dwell
On how at all they manage?
Parallel world! One where on hind legs I must stand!
They all use technology
Yes now I see
Their tech makes ours look like mere garbage
They have ten tentacles - technically they are fingers
Color schemes so familiar - I think some folks are the same!
They age at different rates - technically I'm a minor
A princess too young to vote? That's one for the hall of shame!
Parallel world! One where strange bipeds rule the land!
They have no flight nor spells!
And thus I dwell
On how at all they manage?
Parallel world! One where on hind legs I must stand!
They all use technology
Yes now I see
Their tech makes ours look like mere garbage
Parallel world!
Familiar voice: "I'm sorry…"
Alpha Bitch: "You haven't even begun to feel sorry, hippie scum!"
Twilight: "!"
Familiar voice: *belongs to human!Fluttershy*
Fluttershy (sorta): "Um, I was just returning it to-"
Alpha Bitch: "You should be returning to the primordial ooze, where you belong! That thing was mine! No wonder all your friends are stray animals!"
Twilight: *has had enough of your shit*
Spike: *needs to choke a bitch*
Twilight: "Silence, you miserable mass of misbehaving malevolence! You have no right to speak to her like that! In fact, you don't have the right to speak to anyone like that! In fact, after hearing you flap your mouth, I'm not sure you have the right to speak at all!"
Alpha Bitch: "You, poor deluded fool, are clearly new here if you think there is any limit whatsoever on my rights. Here, I possess POWER! ULTIMATE POWER!"
Alpha Bitch, to random student: "HEY, YOU! Stuff yourself in your locker." *walks away*
Random student: "Yes ma'am, of course ma'am, please don't do to me whatever it is the rumor mill last claimed you did do those who disobey you ma'am."
Fluttershy: "I can't believe you just did that!"
Twilight: "Well, what was I supposed to do, ignore it? Buck the Bystander Effect."
Fluttershy: "Buck? Never heard that euphemism before."
Fluttershy: "But it's just that... No-one ever stands up to Sunset Shimmer."
Twilight: "That's silly, she's just a jumped-up bully with a SUNSET SHIMMER?!"
Fluttershy: "Yes. Everyone is terrified of her."
Random student: "...Is she gone?"
Other student: "Well, she's still somewhere in this school."
Random student: "Oh crap!" *stuffs self back in locker*
Twilight: "..."
Fluttershy: "Say, are you new here? A transfer student?"
Twilight: "Ha ha ha! Yes! I, Twilight Sparkle, am a transfer student, and in no way a PhD graduate! Because that would obviously be silly!"
Twilight: "And you would be, er…"
Fluttershy: *silence of the moeblob*
Awkwardness Level: Uncomfortable silence.
Twilight: "I'm sorry, what was that?"
Fluttershy: "My name's mumble-mumble."
Awkwardness Level: Realizing you're naked in class.
Twilight: "I'm pretty sure mumble-mumble isn't an actual name."
Fluttershy: *unlocks new Silent Moeblob level*
Awkwardness Level: Realizing you're naked at the pope's funeral. And it's your fault he's dead.
Twilight: "Diiiidn't quite catch that."
Fluttershy: *unintelligible squeaky sounds*
Awkwardness Level: RUUUUUN!
Twilight: "It kinda sounded like... Fluttershy?"
Twilight: "So... Fluttershy, huh? This raises all sorts of interesting questions…"
Fluttershy: *sees Spike*
Fluttershy: "Ohmygshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!"
Fluttershy: *exaltation burns out shyness*
Fluttershy: *rushes toward Spike, knocking Twilight out of the way*
Fluttershy: "Kawaaaaaaai! Here, have some treats!"
Spike: *tries out the Scooby snack*
Spike: *confirms that getting a non-draconic digestive system didn't make him too picky an eater*
Fluttershy: "D'awwwww! Whose a good boy? Whose a good boy?"
Twilight: "That's who's with an apostrophe, Fluttershy, a contraction of 'who is'. 'Whose', like 'its', denotes the possessive."
Fluttershy: "...How can you tell whether or not I'm using the apostrophe?"
Twilight: "Correct grammar. It's kind of my thing."
Fluttershy: "Well, who's a good boy? Yesh it'sh you! Yesh it'sh you! D'awww. Wouldn't you give anything to know what they're thinking?"
Twilight: "Eh, he's usually pretty outspoken about it, actually."
Fluttershy: "Huh?"
Spike: *Bark*"Ixnay"*Bark*"on the alkingtay!"*Bark*
Twilight: "Nnnnnothing."
Twilight: "Sssssso. That... thing Sunset wanted. Was it, perchance, a crown?"
Fluttershy: "How did you know?"
Twilight: "I am a master detective. An absolute Sherlock Hoo... Er, you know."
Fluttershy: "I found it this morning, while I was miserably failing to recruit volunteers for the Canterlot Animal Shelter, like always. I had just gotten started on my daily ritual of sitting down and crying in despair at the cruel unfairness of the world, when the world bopped me on the head with that crown thingy."
Twilight: "Great! And that crown is now in the possession of…"
Fluttershy: "Principal Celestia."
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "I... Uh... Erk... But... That... Then... How... At what point…"
Twilight: "...Principal Celestia?"
Fluttershy: "Um, yes. Principal Celestia has been running the school since before I was here, with the help of her sister, vice-principal Luna. And before that, I hear the school was run by her mother, who was also named Celestia, just like her mother before her, and her mother before her. In fact, there's this really really really really long family tree of near-identical women named Celestia who have all held some position of importance around here. There are all sorts of strange rumors about them. Some urban legends even claim they're all the same, immortal person, but that can't be true, right?"
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "If I think too hard about this right now, my brain will break."
Fluttershy: "Oh, and, um... careful, you're not supposed to bring your pets to school. That's why I carry mine in my backpack:"
Fluttershy: *unveils class menagerie*
Spike: "Angel."
In the office of God-Principal Celestia:
Celestia: "I'm sorry, Mister President, but as long as Doctor Sombra controls the killsat network, any direct action you or I take against him would be suicidal. Do not worry, though - I've already got a few plans in motion."
Celestia: *puts phone down* "Hello, what can I do for you?"
Twilight: "Er, hi, your Momjes - I mean, Miss! My name's Twilight Sparkle, and I'm new here, and I needed to ask about that crown Fluttershy brought you this morning…"
Celestia: "Ah, yes. Not quite sure how it got there. Why, were you planning to run for princess of the Fall Formal?"
Twilight: "The who where what now?"
Celestia: "It's a yearly party the school throws, accompanied by a glorified popularity contest; the students elect a princess, who wears the crown for the rest of the evening."
Celestia: "Of course, the 'popularity' thing kinda got sidetracked once Sunset Shimmer started terrorizing everyone into doing her bidding."
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "You know what? The answer to your earlier question is yes. Yes, I'm running for princess." *departs*
Vice-Principal Luna: "What was that about?"
Celestia: "A so-called student who isn't registered in our database, and stands up to Sunset Shimmer? Not from here. Infiltrating the school, but unwilling to leave her dog outside? Clearly not some professional infiltrator. Opposes the school bully for Fluttershy's sake? Probably a hero. Went to the wrong bathroom, stares around slack-jawed at the mundane things everyone does, opened my office door with her head? Alien. Interested enough in the crown to run for princess? Very interesting."
Luna: "So you're saying, she's a hero from another world having epic world-saving adventures?"
Celestia: "I give it good odds, at least. Anyway, pass me Doctor Sombra's file…"
Spike: "Soooo... why didn't you just tell Celestia the truth, and where can I find some aspirin for the headache that saying that sentence gave me?"
Twilight: "I have no proof of any of it, and check the back pocket."
Twilight: "I mean, how exactly am I supposed to convince her that I'm an alien hero from another world? It's kinda hard to convince people of something that fantastic."
Spike: "You know, dogs can't talk around here. I could tell her."
Twilight: "Sorry Spike, but most people don't radically change their worldview the moment some new evidence is introduced. Maybe if there was some pre-existing trust to work on. But as is, mostly I'd just risk passing for a nutbag. And I really can't afford to be institutionalized right now."
Spike: "What about taking the crown by force? You could do that Solid Sparkle thing again."
Twilight: "First of all: No. Second, I'm not gonna establish our First-ish Contact with this world by breaking all its laws. That's not good diplomacy, and her Momjesty always said you had to consider consequences past the most immediate crisis."
Spike: "So... you're going to try to become a princess instead."
Twilight: "How hard can that be? I once did it by accident!"
Twilight: "So. Fluttershy."
Fluttershy: "Um, hi, Twilight. Thanks again for standing up for me. If there's any way I can help you…"
Twilight: "I'm running for princess of the Fall Formal."
Fluttershy: "...Hit you on the back of the head with something heavy, then keep you tied and gagged somewhere safe until the end of the year. That's the only way to protect you."
Twilight: "Why, what's so wrong with running for Princess?"
Fluttershy: "Sunset Shimmer, that's what! She ruthlessly crushes all the competition! The last girl who tried to run against her ended up spending a week crying into her fainting couch!"
Twilight: "Fluttershy, I promise you - I've faced worse than Sunset Shimmer."
Fluttershy: "What could possibly be worse than a really mean popular classmate?"
Twilight: "A... few things."
Fluttershy: "But anyway, it would be hopeless - you'd need to get the votes of all the cliques! The jocks, the literati, the artsies, the geeks, the metalheads, the bronies, the detectives, the cosplayers, the furries, the aliens…"
Twilight: *looks around* "Whoa whoa whoa. Why is everypony-"
Spike: *dope-slap!*
Twilight: "...Why is everybody hanging in compartmentalized cliques?"
Fluttershy: "Um, it's the natural law I guess. Like attracts like?"
Twilight: "What? That's a big pile of minotaur manure! I mean, sure, some people are gonna make friends through shared interests, but very often, people click together precisely because they are so different! And if you only ever interact with people like yourself, how are you ever gonna expand your horizons? Variety is vital for growth!"
Fluttershy: "...I kinda want to attend wherever your old school was."
Twilight: "All right. Fluttershy said the student in charge of the Fall Formal was here, so…"
Twilight: "...Wait. This style of decoration... This arrangement of streamer colors and balloon shapes… This scent of sugary sweat…"
Twilight: "...Pinkie Pie?"
Pinkie Pie (sorta): "GASP! Are you psychic?!"
Twilight: "Please, for the love of Bayes, tell me there's no such thing as psychic powers on this world. The Pinkie Sense was enough."
Pinkie Pie: "Oooh, you know about my Pinkie Sense? It's uncanny! Every now and then, I get these weird twitches a few seconds after things happen to me!"
Twilight: "A few seconds after - NEVER MIND I'M PRIORITIZING. Fluttershy told me you were in charge of the party planning committee?"
Pinkie Pie: "Ah. So you've met Flutterbitch."
Twilight: "...I cannot properly express my anguish over your reaction without violating some school rules about decorum."
Pinkie Pie: "Anyway, you... Heeeeey. I've never seen you at school, but… do you have a twin sister on the other side of the city with a dog named Spike who looks just like that?"
Twilight: "Mmmmmmmaybe?"
Twilight: "That other dog... I don't suppose it was sapient? Because this is opening up all sorts of disturbing questions."
Pinkie Pie: "Well, if you wanna compete for Fall Formal princess, you need to sign here. If you want to attend the Cthulhu memorial meet-up, sign on the other side."
Twilight: "...I'm not making it out of this conversation with a lot of intact brain cells, am I?"
Pinkie Pie: "Nope!"
Twilight: *signs*
Pinkie Pie: "...Wow. I think this sort of handwriting is considered an act of war in some countries."
Applejack (sorta): "Yo! Anyone needs a dozen crates o'apple cider?"
Pinkie Pie: "Are chocolate-dipped honey-glazed sugar balls awesome?"
Applejack: "...Ah'll take that as a yes, an' order insulin just in case."
Applejack: *sees Twilight* "Hey! Ah know ya!"
Twilight: "I was nowhere near the experimental duplicator spell and you can't prove anything… Er, I mean, do you?"
Applejack: "Sure! Ye're tha kamikaze that stood up ta Sunset Shimmer! Good on ya, gal!"
Pinkie Pie: "She's also running against Sunset for the princess title."
Applejack: "...Well, it's been nice knowing ya."
Twilight: "Seriously, is she that bad?"
Applejack: "She be almost as bad as Rainbow Dash!"
Twilight: "Wait, wait, back up. You hate Rainbow Dash's guts? Er, whoever this Rainbow Dash is, she isn't the captain of something called the Shadowbolts, is she?"
Pinkie Pie: "Well, she's the captain of the football team, the sport-that-isn't-football-but-is-called-football-somewhere-else team, the basketball team, the basketcase team (no wait that's me), the horse-style kung-fu team, the calvinball team, the triathlon team, the biathlon team, the monoathlon team, the quidditch team and the play-tennis-using-lit-dynamite-while-riding-bears team, but I don't think she's with anything called Shadowbolts, no."
Twilight: "I see. Well... Thank you for your concern, Applejack, but I feel this princess thing is something I really gotta do."
Applejack: "How didja know mah name was Applejack?"
Twilight: "Student yearbook! Espionnage! Mind-reading magic! I'm secretly a unicorn from the future! Somehow! G2gkthxbai!"
Pinkie Pie: "Totally a psychic!"
Applejack: "...Sure thang, miss postcognition."
SUDDENLY ASSHOLES!
Sunset Shimmer: "Your party-planning is bad and you should feel bad! Your decorations don't match the tastes I have developed today, and your cider is a disgrace to all things apple-related! And what makes you truly pathetic is that my constant browbeating of you is all it takes to keep you in line like esteem-damaged sheep!"
Snips (sorta): "Yeah! Pawns!"
Snails (sorta): "You guys are total tools!"
Sunset Shimmer: "Now get hopping and fix everything so that it fits my tastes of today, so that by the time you're done I can criticize you for failing to match my tastes of tomorrow! This coronation isn't gonna run itself!"
Applejack: "Ye're makin' an awful lot o'assumptions as to whose coronation it's gonna be, little Miss Sunset."
Sunset Shimmer: "I'm sorry, can you speak more clearly? All I heard over your thick hick accent was, 'hehe, I'm a dumb inbred hillibilly with an apple instead of a brain, hehe, gonna come to the dance with my brother as my hot date'. So stop talking, and hey, who knows? Maybe the rest of the student body will finally stop talking about you."
Applejack: *atomic hate!*
Pinkie Pie: "Actually, what Applejack means is that you're not running unopposed this time!" *hands her candidate list*
Sunset Shimmer: "WHAT?!"
Sunset Shimmer: "Sparkle."
Twilight: "Do you feel it, Spike? The oppressive feeling in the air? The soundtrack growing sinister? The electric lights flickering menacingly? I fear that we are in the presence of Evil. Or at least of douchebaggery."
Sunset: "Twilight Sparkle. Celestia's latest teacher's pet. Can't believe I didn't recognize you. I should have known the self-righteous marshmallow bitch would send a minion."
Twilight: "BLASPHE-"
Spike: *dope-slap!*
Twilight: "Ahem. Sunset Shimmer, you are acting in violation of more laws than I can be bothered to count, and I'm a math geek. Return the superweapon's firing mechanism, and maybe no charges will be pressed."
Sunset: "Ha! Don't try to threaten me, Sparkle. I have the homefield advantage. You're a complete newbie to this world, and I'm already its iron-fisted tyrant! Heck, you've probably never even heard of fists until today!"
Twilight: "...OK, stop. We're adults here. I'm a PhD graduate. You are at least my age. I know the translation from pony to human bodies made us both teenagers, but we still have the minds and experiences of adults. Do you really expect me to be impressed that an adult mare was able to cow a bunch of school students into submission? That's not impressive, Sunset. That's... sad."
Sunset: "To-ma-to, toh-mah-toh. My control over this school's population will give me access to the Elemental Harmony Crown. Now, little miss bookworm… what happens when an Element of Harmony is brought to a universe not its own?"
Twilight: "Er... Well, we're talking about a conduit for harmony, but… Hypothetically, it would be the harmony of another world, placed where it doesn't belong; this would generate an imbalance. In fact, we'd have a sort of reality dissonance. Assuming its effect decreased quadratically with distance, I'm guessing this would create an effect centered on the-"
Sunset: "You're guessing?! You don't even know?! Ha! I should have realized Celestia wouldn't be able to find another student as brilliant as me!"
Two months earlier:
Sunset: "ARRRRGH! Years of working on these equations, and I still can't make this stupid thing fit! I swear, this is pissing me off so much I'm gonna throw someone in a tiger pit!"
Math club geek: *looks over Sunset's shoulders*
Matc club geek: "Quadratic, not linear."
Sunset: "Transspecie what."
Math club geek: "It looks like you're trying to calculate a field effect. The effect should decrease quadratically with distance, not linearly. No wonder your equations don't balance."
Sunset: "..."
Sunset: "What's your name?"
Math club geek: "Tommy Chesnut, why?"
Sunset: "Tommy, I believe you are about to make a new friend. One with orange stripes."
Now:
Sunset: "Face it, Twilight. In Equestria, you had the big white cheese looking out for you. She even mutated you into an alicorn! But here? Here, you're no-one. You can't even fit in; what makes you think you can win an election?"
Sunset: "See you in Hell, Twilight. The one I'll be unleashing soon enough."
Sunset: *walks off*
Sunset: *...and runs into the mummified Snips and Snails*
Sunset: "What the... Never mind, I don't want to know. You two get to work. I want a hatchet job done on Purpelina - one even nastier than what you did to the Belle bitch."
Twilight: "I don't know about you, Spike, but confronting supervillains makes me hungry."
Spike: "Twilight, I'm a dragon. Confronting air makes me hungry."
Twilight: "And what should appear, but a publicly-available glass-door pantry!"
Twilight: "With no handles."
Twilight: "No, seriously. How are we supposed to open this thing? Do humans have some kind of phasing power that lets them reach through glass?"
Twilight: *has not been having the best of days*
Twilight: "OK, buck this shit."
Twilight: *prepares to buck this shit*
Trixie (sorta): "If you are done marking your territory…"
Trixie: "...The Great and Powerful Trixie, Mistress of Illusions, President and by far Most Skilled Member of the Prestidigitation Club, who shall not deny any rumors she may have planted of secretly being a Gypsy princess, wants her nom-noms!" *uses vending machine. Doesn't buck it. Doesn't even shake the damn thing.*
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Wait, prestidigitation club? I wasn't informed of this demographic. How many members do you have, and how do they feel about Sunset Shimmer?"
Trixie: "...If you never ask either of these questions ever again, you can be vice-president."
Twilight: "Ah. Never mind, then."
Trixie: *departs with nom-noms*
Twilight: "OK. OK. I almost kicked glass because I didn't understand the mechanics of what is presumably a mundane device. Sunset may have a point about me not really fitting in... yet."
Spike: "So what next, Pony of Plans?"
Twilight: "Research!"
Spike: "That's your answer for everything!"
Twilight: "That's because it keeps working!"
Spike: "What about the time you tried to research TVTropes and they had to send a rescue party to find you?"
Twilight: "Have you seen their MLP page?!"
Twilight: "Anyway, this is a school, right? And I don't mean a teeny-weeny small town Ponyville school. It's more like the massive learning establishments of Canterlot. So I wouldn't be in the least surprised if there was a…"
Library: *is*
Twilight: "HOPE IS COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS!"
Twilight: *research mode on*
Snips&Snails: *weasels of action!*
Twilight: "Knowledge is at my fingertips! Now I just need to figure out how to use fingers!"
Twilight: "Also, I need to figure out what the heck this device is. Let's see… Multiple small keys, each with a typographic symbol on it… Some kind of luminous surface where shapes and figures are displayed… Perhaps some sort of data computing device?"
Cheerilee: *weeps in silence for this generation of luddites*
Cheerilee: "Yes. A computer. You use it like this. It'll give you almost any information you need. Just don't go to TVTropes, or you'll end up missing classes for a week."
Twilight: "Wow. This device is... It's… My goodness! I'm starting to think that any sufficiently advanced technology is comparable to magic!"
SUDDENLY MUSIC!
Twilight: "Uh... Is that a research montage starting?"
Cheerilee: *sighs* "No, it's just stoopids being stoopids."
Applebloom (sorta), Sweetie Belle (sorta) and Scootaloo (sorta): *use computer for research purpose (sorta)*
Cheerilee: "Girls! What part of 'no YouTube in the school library' was unclear?!"
Applebloom: "But we're the Committee for Meaningful Careers! We're trying to figure out our special talents!"
Sweetie Belle: "So we put together this awesome music video!"
Scootaloo: "And we're checking to see how many viewers liked it!"
Cheerilee: "At full volume? Here? There isn't enough 'no' in the world." *confiscates speakers*
Applebloom: "Ah well. Let's at least see if we learned something from this…"
Twilight: "Oh no…"
Sweetie Belle: "Our big mistake was trying to force ourselves into molds that didn't fit us…"
Twilight: "No no no no no no no…"
Scootaloo: "We tried to do things we weren't fit for, while ignoring our actual, very real talents..."
Twilight: "Ngggggggggggggggg…"
CMC: "Clearly, our real talent is comedy!" *run off*
Twilight: *bitter tears of impotent rage*
Twilight: "STOOPID! YOU'RE SO STOOPID!"
Spike: "You'll get them next time, Twilight. Next time."
Twilight: "OK. OK. I'm sure this is going to cause all sorts of terror and destruction in this universe, but I'm kind of on a schedule here and they'll need to manage their CMC themselves. So, back to research!"
Twilight: *epic research time!*
Twilight: *...with a little spicing of epic fail!*
Snips: *takes pics* "Just look at her! It's like she's got four feet! It's like shooting fish in a barrel!"
Snails: "Heh heh, you said 'barrel'."
Twilight: "Well, that was a productive evening."
Twilight: "...Of course, that leaves open the question of where we're sleeping tonight."
Spike: "Seriously, what would you do without me?"
Spike: "Behold! I have assembled for you a makeshift biblio-bed!"
Twilight: "Wait. I get to sleep in… books?"
Twilight: "MY FOALHOOD FANTASIES KEEP COMING TRUE!"
Meanwhile, somewhere else:
Donald: "Uncle Scrooge? Are you OK?"
Scrooge: "I'm fine... but, for a moment there, I felt like someone, somewhere, understood me."
Spike: "Well, sleeping in a library is reminding me of Ponyville, at least. So, was your research productive?"
Twilight: "I'll say! These humans can accomplish miracles! They treat instantaneous inter-continental verbal communication as mundane! They have flying vessels that can reach the antipodes within a single day! They've driven at least one major pandemic virus to extinction! They used rockets to go to the MOON!"
Spike: "...OK, that last one raises all sorts of questions not really relevant to our mission. But did you learn anything useful? Like, short-termish?"
Twilight: "Lots of bits and pieces. Reading their History, I'm guessing there's a cosmic link between this world and ours (...and possibly the one on the other side of Bifrost; I wouldn't know). So, people who were born in Equestria were born here. Most of the events that happen in Equestria happen here. Just, not always at the same time, and only in roughly the same order. So, it's similar, but not identical."
Spike: "No shit, Sherlock."
Twilight: "Also, check out the yearbook. Their Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Fluttershy, and what looks like their Rarity-"
Spike: "Wait. Rarity in... new forms?"
Spike: "I... I feel funny. Even more so than usual when talking about Rarity."
Twilight: "Aaaaand that was promptly ignored. Anyway, what I'm saying is - it looks like they were all friends in what they call 'freshman year', about three years ago."
Spike: "...They were? Back home, some of them were friends before you came to Ponyville, but it was the whole Night Mare Moon thing that solidified you girls as a group."
Twilight: "Well, Luna is vice-principal here, and I'm not sure if she and Celestia are immortal or not… and go figure what's going on with this world's version of me… I dunno, maybe something solidified the five of them back then? Maybe they became friends because their pony versions did, and mine didn't because fate was confused by Sunset Shimmer's presence? But, well, they look like they mostly hate each other now."
Spike: "...Because you weren't there to center the group?"
Twilight: "Applejack could have handled that herself. I don't think that's it. I'm guessing something nasty happened, and I wouldn't be surprised if Sunset was behind it."
Spike: "And the motive of the crime, inspector?"
Twilight: "Well, if she's found a way to scry on Equestria - which she probably did, since she knew where to find the crown - she may have known about the Elemental Harmony Squad, and wanted to nip potential opposition in the bud."
Twilight: "Or, more mundane explanation: Divide and conquer. The clique system makes it easier for her to manipulate all the teenagers, so she started by breaking up the main group of inter-clique friends."
Spike: "Well, Twilight, that's interesting and all, but it sounds like sidequest material. Get the crown first, do the sidequests later?"
Twilight: "Well, you never know. Sometimes the sidequests and the main quest tie in together. Still, point taken."
The next day:
Twilight: "All right! I've got this! I can do it! I can win! I've crammed enough knowledge about this world to pass for a local; now, it's time to win hearts and minds!"
Spike: *checks Twilight's notes* "Nice list of speeches. I'd drop the 'I have a dream' one, though. It'll never catch on."
Twilight: "Noted. Now, come on! It's a brand new day, and the sun is high, all the birds are singing…"
Spike: "...that your political career's gonna die?"
Students: *snicker at Twilight*
Twilight: "Spike, they are laughing at me. Why? Why are they laughing? Is my fly open or something?"
Spike: "Why would you have flies, and what do you mean even by them being open?"
Twilight: "Not sure, it's something that came up in my research."
SUDDENLY RARITY! (SORTA!)
Rarity: *pulls Twilight aside*
Rarity: *fastest fashionista in the field!*
Rarity: *camouflages Twilight*
Rarity: "Voilà! The perfect disguise! I'll make you unrecognizable - and your adorable little dog, too!"
Spike: *All dogs go to Heaven. At least, this one just did.*
Twilight: "Da buck did I just-"
Applejack: "Twilight! There ya are!"
Rarity: "Oh come on! At least pretend the disguise delayed recognition!"
Fluttershy: "Twilight! I was…"
Pinkie Pie: "...looking for you all over the place! Ooh, and I dig the cosplay!"
Pinkie Pie: "Er, what's it a cosplay of?"
Rarity: "She's cosplaying as someone who actually appreciates my help. It must seem very exotic to you."
Pinkie Pie: "WHY... SO... SERIOUS?!"
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Er, what's this all ab-"
Applejack and Fluttershy: "Ixnay! Ixnay!"
Twilight: "...Fine." *removes disguise* "So, anyone care to fill me in on what the heck is going on today?"
Pinkie Pie: "Well... There was this teenie-weenie itsy-bitsy little thingie. Not a big deal." *shows YouTube video*
YouTube Video: "Watch our shockingly-edited footage, which clearly proves how Twilight Worse-Than-Hitler Sparkle, the ambitious megalomaniac trying to become your princess, was secretly born in a Kenyan school, is planning to replace the school lockers with death panels, and probably practices whichever religion you most disapprove of!"
Pinkie Pie: "...OK, kind of a big deal."
Twilight: "Holy manure... It's… it's like she took the cybernetic social interaction system, and subverted it for bullying use! Like… cyber-bullying! How am I gonna get those votes with this kind of first impression?!"
Fluttershy: "For what it's worth, you still have mine. The way you stood up for me? Kindness and courage? I dig."
Pinkie Pie: "Maybe I can help! I'm good with getting people excited about stuff! Like that time I got everyone excited over pastry! And then they rampaged all over the pastry contest before the judge even got there!"
Fluttershy: "Yyyyyeah, I suggest turning down any help from Pinkie. She can't take stuff seriously to save her life."
Pinkie Pie: "Fluttershy, Y U so bitchy?!"
Rarity: "Pot, meet kettle. Kettle, pot."
Rarity: "Anyway, the two disgraces aside, I'll be happy to offer my help. To someone who won't take it for granted. Someone who doesn't snort lines of confetti. Someone who cannot be cosplayed as by using wigs made of cotton candy. Not that I'm naming names."
Twilight: "It feels... feel like…"
Pinkie Pie: "Stuck-up primma donna!"
Fluttershy: "Infantile adrenaline junkie!"
Rarity: "Passive-aggressive psycho bitch!"
Spike: "Arooooo!"
Twilight: "Like... Like I'm…"
Applejack: "Are ya ol' ladies done bickerin'? There's this thang called movin' on. Y'all oughta look into it."
Rarity: "Suuuure, Applejack. Apropos of nothing, how are you and Rainbow Dash getting along lately?"
Applejack: "Ah was holdin' a bake sale ta pay fer Granny's hip surgery! She said she'd bring her softball team ta help out! Ah told mah whole family about it, and then she didn't show up, an' totally ruined mah truthiness track record - an' now, with that bad hip, Granny had ta leave tha farmwork an' get a job as a lunch lady! Totally different thang!"
Rarity: "Pot, meet kettle, meet frying pan."
Twilight: "It... It feels like I'm…"
Twilight: "...I'M SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS!"
Twilight: "But, I've been an idiot myself at times. I know what it's like. So, let's stop, let grudges drop, and take it from the top."
Twilight: "Check the yearbook. You girls were friends then, were you not?"
Fluttershy: "Yeah…"
Rarity: "The golden days."
Applejack: "Good times."
Pinkie Pie: "Fun times!"
Twilight: "Right, right."
Twilight: "Well, while I wouldn't call myself an expert on friendship - oh, who am I kidding, that's exactly what I am - it seems clear to me that two good friends, who are fundamentally good and decent people, don't just turn into bitter enemies who refuse to talk to each other unless a fairly major event is involved."
Twilight: "Now, with two friends, that's unlikely, but it happens. Unhappy accidents are part of life."
Twilight: "Buuuut. Two friends? That's an accident. Three friends? That's a coincidence. Four friends? That's enemy action. Five friends? That's Sunset Shimmer."
Rarity: "Twilight, I'd hate to rain on your parade, but I fear the realities of the heart defy such clean analysis. Sunset Shimmer had nothing to do with the breaking of our fellowship."
Fluttershy: "Yeah. The reason I have a dart board with Pinkie Pie's face on it -"
Twilight: "You what?"
Fluttershy: "Well, it's one of those soft velcro dart boards."
Twilight: "Ah."
Fluttershy: "Anyway, the reason is because I asked for her help putting together a fundraiser for the animal shelter, and she showed up with fireworks and noisemakers that traumatized the animals and made the funders stampede for the exit!"
Pinkie Pie: "What?! You asked for a big party! Here, I still have the text you sent me!"
Fluttershy: "Bwa? I never sent that!"
Rarity: "Ah... You know... every time Pinkie was decorating for some major school event, I'd offer to help out, then I'd get an e-mail from her saying not to bother, since she already had plenty of volunteers with better stylistic senses than me. Then, after I was done crying in my couch and drowning my self-loathing in ice-cream, I'd find out she'd done the whole thing herself. Then I'd go back to the couch."
Pinkie Pie: "I don't do e-mails! I send sing-o-grams!"
Twilight: "Wait... This is textual communication, but since it's all typed, there's no horn - er, no handwriting. So shouldn't that be extremely easy to fake?"
Rarity: "Well, there's a password system, the message is clearly addressed to the username, and you can't have a username that's already taken, so it's not that easy."
Twilight: *looks over cell phone* "I see. So, how exactly do you pronounce a name like 'Pinkie Pie_'? What sort of sound does an underscore make, anyway?"
Rarity: "AUGHHHHH!"
Applejack: "...Mmmmmmaybe I should have asked Rainbow Dash why she didn't show up at my bake sale."
Twilight: "See 'surrounded by idiots' above. So... Better late than never?"
Late rather than never:
Applejack: *talks it out with Rainbow Dash (sorta)*
Applejack & Rainbow Dash: *and many hugs were had!*
Rainbow Dash: "So. I hear you want to overthrow the Bitch Empress. Now, I can't deny it - I'd love to see that human-shaped pile of radioactive crap kicked off her throne."
Twilight: "YES! YES! A FULLY OPERATIONAL SUPPORT NETWORK! THANK YOU, SIDEQUEST!"
Rainbow Dash: "And so, I'll help you... if you beat me at this game."
Twilight: "Fucking sidequest."
Twilight versus Rainbow Dash!
Rarity: "What is Dash even thinking? This is going to be a curbstomp!"
Pinkie Pie: "Naaaah. I'm sure Dash just wants to have some fun with Twilight, and will go easy on her so that she-"
*OBLITERATION!*
*ANNIHILATION!*
*CURBSTOMP!*
Pinkie Pie: "...buuuuut I'm not always right."
Twilight: "Momjesty, please make the world stop spinning…"
Rainbow Dash: "Welp, that was fun. So, what's the strategy for taking Sunset down?"
Twilight: "Er, I lost."
Rainbow Dash: "Uh, hello? You were up against me. Having a score that didn't veer into the negative counts as a victory!"
Twilight: "Er, technically zero is a negative number FORGET I SAID THAT. Wait, so this whole thing… was a secret test of character?"
Rainbow Dash: "Yeah! I wasn't going to help princessify someone who had a good heart, but was a total wimp! No offence, Fluttershy."
Fluttershy: "None taken."
Twilight: "Secret tests? That's like something that…"
Rainbow Dash: "That principal Celestia would do? Yeah, sometimes we get surprise-graded on using class knowledge out of class. Seriously, that woman is kickass. I freaking worship her."
Twilight: "Some things never change."
Meanwhile, in the bushes:
Snips&Snails: "Ta-da! Look at this Evil Kodak moment!"
Sunset: *examines pictures*
Sunset: "I think I just had an evilgasm."
At the cafeteria:
Twilight: *bumps into blue-haired rocker boy*
Twilight: *and spills her milk-shake on his shirt*
Twilight: "Ack! Sosososorry! Please don't make electoral decisions based on this small event sample! An antispillocracy is a sucky form of government anyway!"
Rocker boy: *is the guy from the other day* "We've got to stop bumping into each other like this."
Twilight: "Ha ha! Yes! Identifying the problem! Learning lessons from mistakes! That's what it's all about! If we learn the right lessons, we won't have to worry about bumping into each other anymore! Um, not that you're a particularly unpleasant person to bump into. Er, not that I bumped into you on purpose or anything like that EVERYTHING'S FINE SEE YOU."
Rocker boy's inner thoughts: "Oh my deity of choice, she's adorkable. And for some reason, she reminds me a lot of my last girlfriend, minus all the bits I hated about my last girlfriend."
Twilight's inner thoughts: "Thank her Momjesty he was so nice about this! Actually, he was pretty darn nice. Heck, that little scene could easily have come out of one of the more romantic slashfics - er, not that I'm shipping equines with anthropoids!"
Twilight's inner thoughts: "Though then again, in my favorite slashfic, 'General Relativity/Quantum Mechanics', I always thought it was hot the way Quantum Mechanics' form was always uncertain, and it could look like anything, even a…"
Twilight: "OK, maybe that is kinda hot. So, if I was General Relativity, and he was Quantum Mechanics, and we were in that entanglement scene…" *blush*
Rarity: "Quit it."
Twilight: "Not-secretly-a-pony what?"
Rarity: "You're blushing like a science clique member whenever they mention 'quantum entanglement', and glancing at the blue-haired rocker boy named Flash Sentry. Don't. You're already on Sunset's hit list; being the rebound girl for her ex will not make things better."
Twilight: "I wasn't shipping it! I'm too old for him anyway! I'm not even sure I'm into males! I'm not even sure I'm into females! I'm not even sure I'm into humans! I'm not even sure I'm into sex! I'm not even sure I'm into romance! I'm not even sure P is equal to NP!"
Twilight: "...Wait. Ex? As in, Sunset's?"
Fluttershy: "Flash broke up with her a few weeks ago. He even wrote a break-up song…"
A few weeks earlier:
Flash Sentry: "Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don't like my girlfriend!
No way! No way!
'Cause you are such a psycho!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I'm dumping your ass 'girlfriend'!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I hate your sociopathy!"
Other guy from the band: "Er, dude, if you're going to all this trouble to write a break-up song, should you be singing it to the person you're breaking up with?"
Flash Sentry: "Hell no! I've only got one set of genitals, and I'd rather keep it!"
Now:
Fluttershy: "...He even wrote a break-up song. I'm amazed she hasn't castrated him yet."
Twilight: "She... might be saving her vengeance for later, when she has the power to get really nasty. Er, not that I'm implying knowledge of some sort of deeper evil plot of hers that I might be attempting to foil or something."
Rainbow Dash: "Of course not. That'd be silly."
Applejack: "If we can put tha shippin' drama on hold fer a moment. We gotta talk strategy. Ladies… How do we killSuperman Sunset Shimmer's political career?"
Rarity: "Well… They say that when all you have is a hammer, everything starts looking like a nail, so stop me if what I'm saying sounds unreasonable, but… How about these cute accessories?"
Twilight: "These are pony ear headbands and synthetic ponytails."
Twilight: "...Why? Why would you even have something like that?"
Rarity: "Well, it's Canterlot High. Back in freshman year, these were symbols of school spirit."
Twilight: "...Hybrid universal mechanics will probably give me headaches for a while yet."
Rarity: "Beg your pardon?"
Twilight: "Forget what I said. Proceed."
Rarity: "Well, Sunset has been dividing the population into cliques, making everyone easier to control. She broke us apart. But look at you! You're clearly a geek, but instead of staying in the geek clique, you proceeded to make friends with a hippie, a country girl, a party girl, a jock and a fashionista, and got them all to talk to each other."
Rarity: "That's your strength. That's what you bring to this school: The message that completely different people can, and maybe should, be friends with each other, instead of living in a bubble of conformity. So, we put on these accessories, and turn them into symbols of your message!"
Applejack: "OK, that's a start. But still, how do we exorcise tha first impression made by Sunset's cyber-bullyin'?"
Twilight, Pony of Plans: "By making a new impression, so strong that it completely overwrites the first one! Let's see… We've got several high-profile students, some skills that can make a good show… and I've read up on this concept called 'flash mob'…"
And so, at the cafeteria:
Situation: *normal*
Social climate: *all fucked up*
Suddenly: *flash mob*
[To the tune of "We Will Rock You":]
"Buddy you're a sheep hang with your clique
Bein' all the same gonna be a big change today!
There's egg on Sunset's face
That big disgrace
Sowing discord all over the place!
Vote for Twilight Sparkle!
Vote for Twilight Sparkle!
Buddy though we're different we're friends
Shoutin' it out loud gonna take down the cliques today
We're like all in their face
Like cans of mace
Waving our friendship all over the place!
Vote for Twilight Sparkle!
Vote for Twilight Sparkle!
Buddy we're all different yet not
Makin' friends with all gonna change your high school today
We've got smiles on our face
Got joy got grace
We're putting the clique system back into its place!
Vote for Twilight Sparkle!
Vote for Twilight Sparkle!"
Vinyl Scratch (sorta): "Hey, cool! I'd forgotten there were colors other than purple!"
Geek student: "This is so going on YouTube."
Dark Heart: "Why am I even in this movie? Where did the Care Bears go?"
Flash Sentry: "Inspiration... striking! Musical accompaniment, coming up!"
Diamond Tiara & Silver Spoon (sorta): "Yay! A scenario that doesn't shoehorn us into antagonistic roles!"
Snips&Snails: "Catchy tune!"
Sunset: "Zip it, you two." *shoehorns them into antagonistic roles*
Twilight: "Well, I haven't had the opportunity to run a formal poll, but judging from how popular Rarity's pony uniforms have gotten, I think we've got this election in the bag."
Applejack: "Just one problem with that, Twi."
Twilight: "What problem?"
Applejack: "Sunset's smilin'."
Twilight: "That's a problem."
Sunset: "Vice-principal Luna, I have terrible news! All of Pinkie Pie's hard work in setting up the fall formal, ruined! Vandalized! I have no idea why Twilight would do such a thing!"
Luna: "And you suspect Twilight because…?"
Sunset: "See right here! Photos of her committing the crime!"
Luna: "So, what? You took the time to photograph her in the middle of it, multiple times, but you didn't try to stop her?"
Sunset: "Do I look like a superhero to you?!"
Flash Sentry, in spy mode: "My Sunset bullshit sense is tingling. Of course, that only means I have ears."
Celestia, on the phone: "Yes, general, Doctor Sombra's bunker is located on Crystal Skull Island… but if you assault it while he's still in control of the killsat, he'll use it to level the capital."
Celestia: "There is a solution, though. When they made the killsat, they programmed in a failsafe, precisely for this type of situation. If the satellite detects a massive energy signature within one of our cities - for instance, if it was subverted and used against us - it immediately reboots. Such a reboot would return control of the killsat to you."
Celestia: "The downside, of course, is that generating such an energy signature in a city would normally require a nuke, and would wipe the city off the map. However… I'm working on a safe way to achieve that. If it works, the killsat is ours again. Just stall for time, please."
Luna: "Sister, if I may…?"
Celestia: "By all means, I was done. What is the matter?"
Luna: "Two things: First, Mister Booksmarts said he was going to have to extend his leave of absence slightly."
Celestia: "I guess Miss Zecora will have to keep teaching his philosophy class for a little while longer."
Luna: "How does she manage to juggle that along with chemistry and biology classes?"
Celestia: "She's got a couple tricks. What's the other thing?"
Luna: "It's the Shimmer girl. She's almost certainly vandalized the ballroom, then made an obvious attempt to frame the Sparkle girl. Think it's time to bring the hammer down on her?"
Celestia: "No, not yet. Go along with it. Indict Sparkle."
Luna: "Whyyyyyyy…?"
Celestia: "If she's the heroine we suspect she is, then there's 90% odds that either she'll clear her name, or she's made enough allies that they'll be able to do it for her. It'll reinforce the bond between them. And if not, we can always swoop in and clear her ourselves at the last moment thanks to an 'anonymous tip'."
Luna: "Fine. I'll play bad cop for now. But what's your plan for Doctor Sombra?"
Celestia: "Plan A, B, or C?"
Twilight: "But this is completely preposterous! Why in Dream Valley would I vandalize the ballroom?! I'm the one who stands to lose the most from it!"
Luna: "I'm sorry, Twilight, but these pictures clearly show you in the process of wrecking the place. Surely you understand that I cannot allow you to run for princess under such conditions."
Flash Sentry: "Objection, your vice-principality! These pictures I have found in the trash clearly had Twilight's image cut out of them, then added to the ballroom ones!"
Twilight: "...Also, in the fake pictures, I don't cast a shadow."
Flash Sentry: "Nah, that's just because of the limited image quality."
Luna: "(Whew.) Very well then. Consider your punishment rescinded. Though we'll need to delay the Fall Formal for repairs." *leaves*
Twilight: "Wow. Thanks, Flash. Really showed up in the nick of time there."
Flash: "Well, what was I supposed to do, ignore it? Fuck the Bystander Effect. (And actually I'd have showed up sooner, but after searching the trash, I needed a shower bad.)"
Twilight: "D'awww. But, one thing I don't get...Why did Sunset even need to cut my pictures out of these things? From what I've read, it would have been simpler to use things like 'Photoshop', or…"
Flash: "Oh, that. Sunset uses technology when it's necessary, but when there's a luddite solution, she'll take it. That girl hates technology. She keeps ranting about how it gives quasi-magical power to an undeserving, uneducated populace. And I'm quoting here."
Twilight: "Ah."
Flash: "And even when she does use tech, she usually has Snips and Snails handle it for her. I'll bet you they were the ones who took the pictures."
Twilight: "That's another thing. I'm kinda bemused, seeing them in such a malevolent role. I used to, ah, know kids like these two, and they were village idiots, not villainous minions."
Flash: "Yeah, Sunset's trained them into her sycophantic attack dogs. It's like they have a special talent for cutting short people's hopes and dreams, and leaving a trail of slime all over them."
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Well, that will raise all sorts of uncomfortable questions later on!"
Flash: "If I may ask a different uncomfortable question: If you're not planning to go to the Fall Formal with someone specific, is there any chance you could go with me?"
Twilight: *blush* "Why, that would be…" *sudden realization concerning timetable* "AUGHHHH! Nonononononononono!" *runs away*
Flash: "One 'no' would have been fine…" [/actual dialog]
Twilight: "Spike, this is disastrous! We're already working on a really tight schedule here! If the Fall Formal gets delayed, then by the time I get the Elemental Harmony Crown, the inter-dimensional passage will close, and we'll need to wait until the stars are right again to get back home! We're talking years here!"
Spike: "OK, that's bad all right, but let's keep it in perspective…"
Twilight: "Spike, you're in a dog's body, with the aging rate that this implies. If you stay here until the stars are right, then by the time you return to draconic form in Equestria, you'll have shaved centuries off your lifespan."
Spike: "...OK, so maybe it is disastrous. Pony of Plans? I'd like to suggest a new course of action: Just tell the Elemental Harmony Squad (sorta) the truth."
Twilight: "I don't know, Spike. So far, I've managed to become friends with these girls, but they think I'm one of them. What sort of human girl would want to hang out with a unicorn?"
Spike: "Ask Dana Simpson. But I wouldn't worry, Twilight. These girls are your friends because of your personality. I'm sure your being an alien quadruped with reality-warping superpowers won't change that."
Twilight: "Sometimes I wonder what I'd do without you, Spike."
Twilight: "Girls, I...have something I have to tell you."
Applejack: "Are ya... one of 'em heterosexuals?"
Rarity: "Not that there's anything wrong with that!"
Twilight: "Not touching that one. No, you see… the Douche Squad has wrecked all of Pinkie Pie's decorations."
Pinkie Pie: "WHAT?!"
Twilight: "As a result, the Fall Formal has been postponed."
Pinkie Pie: "WHAT?!"
Twilight: "However, it is absolutely vital that we maintain the original schedule."
Pinkie Pie: "W-"
Applejack: "Kindly shut yer pie hole."
Twilight: "You see... while dethroning Sunset Shimmer and freeing the school from her noxious influence is a worthy cause, the main reason I've been running for princess is because-"
Pinkie Pie: "Because you're actually from a parallel world where you're actually a unicorn with a PhD, and the crown of the Fall Formal princess is actually part of a magical superweapon that you need to nuke all the enemies of your homeland, and if you don't get it back quickly you won't be able to get back home until the stars are right!"
Twilight: "What the bucking buckity buckity buckity BUCK?!"
Spike: *slain brain*
Rainbow Dash: "Yyyeah, I'm gonna guess no."
Spike: "Actually, she got it in one."
Rarity: "TWILIGHT IS A SKILLED VENTRILOQUIST?!"
Spike: "Nope! I'm actually not a dog. Back home, Twilight may be some lame, boring unicorn… but me? Dddragon!"
Fluttershy: *Joygasm!*
Fluttershy: "Tell me what you're thinking right now!"
Spike: "I'm thinking that Rarity is simply beautiful, and that I would be delighted to be scratched behind the ears."
Rarity: "Oooga booga."
Spike: "I also think that she's apparently gone bye-bye, so, guess I'll ask later?"
Twilight: "Pinkie... How in the name of naming conventions did you know all that?!"
Pinkie Pie: "Sometimes I get all these fun hunches and hallucinations about a world full of talking ponies. It's OK, the doctors said I'm functional!"
Applejack: "Hooooooooold it. Lemme get this straight. Ye're a unicorn?"
Rarity: "You're a PhD graduate?"
Fluttershy: "You're from a parallel world?"
Twilight: "That's... the cliff notes."
Rainbow Dash: "That's... AWESOME! We're awesome! We're hanging out with a unicorn, a college girl, and an alien, all rolled into one!"
And a successful First-ish Contact was had!
At the ballroom:
Rarity: "My goodness. They really didn't go halfway with the chaos and destruction, did they?"
Pinkie Pie: "Note to self: Invent party cannon to automate this sorta stuff."
Twilight: "OK. OK. I know this looks bad, but, for reasons relating to my other world, I think we can pull this off as long as we manage some good teamwork. Let's get cracking, girls!"
Applejack: "Now ye're talkin' mah language!"
[To the tune of "Raise this Barn" (because sue me, that's why):]
Fix this mess, fix this mess
1, 2, 3, 4!
Together we can fix this mess
1, 2, 3, 4!
Clear debris, clean it all,
Staying united for our goal
Planning and teamwork win the day
Fixing our problem the Twilight way!
Fix this mess, fix this mess
1, 2, 3, 4!
Together we can fix this mess
1, 2, 3, 4!
Passersby will soon join up
We'll applaud that, we will clap
That's the spirit of our school
Different people are still cool!
Fix this mess, fix this mess
1, 2, 3, 4!
Together we can fix this mess
1, 2, 3, 4!
The jock helps the techno-geek
The geek helps the rocker clique
Fashionistas, hippies too
Finally all get a clue!
Finally we're getting through
It's a metaphor for school
It's a metaphor for life
Power of friendship breaks through strife!
Varied personalities
Forming helpful synergies
Different talents, different types
Power of friendship's more than hype!
Fix this mess, fix this mess
1, 2, 3, 4!
Together we can fix this mess
1, 2, 3, 4!
Our work here is almost done
Take a short break everyone
Grab a snack then grab a drink
We've pulled this thing from the brink!
Fixed this mess, we fixed this mess
Like a boss
Together we sure fixed this mess
Like a boss
Being together helped a bunch
And right now we all have a hunch
The school's new age will start right here
Our school spirit is based - ooon frieeenshiiip!
Celestia: "Well, students, consider me properly impressed. Thanks to practically everyone in the upper grades and several in the lower ones pitching in, it looks like the Fall Formal will be taking place as initially scheduled. Don't forget to vote, as bad habits are hard to lose later when you're an adult."
Student #1: "I'm voting for the girl who had the guts to oppose Sunset Shimmer!"
Student #2: "I'm voting for the one Sunset Shimmer hates! Best endorsement ever!"
Student #3: "I'm voting for the one who saved the Fall Formal!"
Student #4: "I'm voting for the one who showed me I could be friends with anyone!"
Student #5: "I'm voting for the one who didn't call me on my phone every day to remind me to stuff myself inside my locker!"
Flash Sentry: "I'm voting for the girl I keep bumping into!"
Twilight: "I cannot help but feel vaguely optimistic."
Sunset: "Snips? Snails? You two village idiots are lucky she was able to fix this! If the Fall Formal had been delayed, I'd have been stuck just as much as her!"
Fluttershy: "We got nearly everyone at school working together, we fixed the ballroom in two hours… My goodness, maybe friendship really is the greatest force in the world!"
Twilight: "I'd rate it a solid second, at least. Mind you, the strong nuclear force can give it a good run for its money."
Rarity: "Well girls (and, ah, dragons) - this is our big night, and I have every intention of making sure it goes perfectly!"
Twilight: "Our 'big night'? Rarity, I think it's unwise to plan one's life around getting happiness from specific one-time occurrences rather than a general day-to-day wellbeing, and…"
Rarity: "And as such, I'm gonna get you all the perfect bling!"
Twilight: "My point is that... nah, never mind. I'm outta lectures for the next hour."
Spike: "The things interdimensional travel does to you!"
[To the tune of AC/DC's "TNT":]
See me ride out of that limo
(...It's above my means)
We pooled our funds together
To crown the formal queen
Girlfriends to the left of me
Girlfriends to the right
No Momjesty, no sorcery
Don't you start no fight…
...'Cause I'm Twilight S.!
The P. of Plans!
Twilight S.!
And I'll have my fun!
Twilight S.!
I have brought my friends
Twilight S.!
Watch how it ends!
My friend 'Jack's the best, got that country charm
'Shy is the best too
Rainbow Dash is number 1
Get the clue?
So make way for Pinkie!
And for Rarity!
And make way for Spike here
The reality:
The Squad is back in town
So don't you mess around...
...'Cause I'm Twilight S.!
The P. of Plans!
Twilight S.!
And I'll have my fun!
Twilight S.!
I have brought my friends
Twilight S.!
Watch how it ends!
Rarity: "So? How's this ensemble?"
Twilight: "It... makes me feel like a unicorn."
Rarity: "I will be taking that as the highest of compliments."
Welcome to the Fall Formal!
Flash Sentry: "Hey, Twilight. I know you said you wouldn't go with me to the Formal - technically a lot of times - so I really hope I'm not coming across as a creepy stalker by asking one final time."
Twilight: "Oh. Um. Wellllll... I suspect I won't be staying very long in town, so I don't think we can really make a long-term relationship work… But I'd be delighted to have you as my date."
Flash Sentry's Inner Thoughts: "Yes! Yes! You have a date with the most awesome girl you've ever met (...that is within your age range. Stop fantasizing about the principal, by the way). Now, DON'T screw this. Treat your date like a God-Queen. Give her your full attention. Ignore everything that isn't your date. Only look at…"
Flash Sentry: *runs into door*
Twilight: "...You and I were made for each other."
Party time!
Scootaloo: "Wheee! Look at me doing the chicken dance!"
Sweetie Belle: "Isn't that... embarrassing?"
Scootaloo: "Huh? Why, what's wrong with chickens?"
Sweetie Belle: "Dunno, just had a thought. Keep going."
Applebloom: "Yeah! Sweetie, do tha robot dance!"
Silver Spoon & Diamond Tiara: "Bump bump sugar lump rump dance!"
Flash Sentry and the Gordons: *rock the house*
Twilight: "This is fun!"
Twilight: "...But I cannot help but notice a distinct absence of Sunset Shimmer."
Rainbow Dash: "She's probably at home, crying bitter tears of impotent rage."
Twilight: "That's... optimistic?"
Celestia, on the phone: "Yes, general. As soon as the satellite reboots, you need to take back control of it. Leave the rebooting to me."
Celestia, on the mic: "Students, I must congratulate you all on the fantastic work and school spirit you have displayed. For all the unfortunate events of earlier, you have managed to come together, and cooperate despite your differences. In this Fall Formal, I have seen more mingling between socially disparate groups than at any school party in the last five decades… but please, I will not be answering any more questions about my age."
Celestia: "And now, I believe it is time to announce the winner of the election. Your new princess is… Twilight Sparkle!"
Twilight: "Hm. A bit less teleportations, astral planes and life-o-ramas this time around. I can live with that."
Celestia: *hands Twilight the elemental Harmony Crown*
Twilight: "At last! The magical WMD is again in my grasp! ...A sinister laughter would be inappropriate, I suppose."
SUDDENLY ASSHOLES!
Spike: "Help! Help! I'm being dognapped! That's incredibly demeaning! I demand to be at least dragonnapped!"
Twilight: "Snips! Snails! You let go of the puppy dog's tail, or I will find a way to make mustaches grow inside your throats!"
Elemental Harmony Squad (sorta): *pursues dognappers to the school courtyard*
Trixie: "...What's up with those weirdos? And why didn't anyone come to today's magic show? It's like they were all busy somewhere else!"
In the courtyard:
Sunset Shimmer: *raises sledgehammer*
Sunset: "Not a step further, Twilight Sparkle!"
Twilight: "If you dare harm Spike, I will end you."
Sunset: "Oh please. Like I was ever going to hurt him. What do you think I am, some kind of monster?"
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Seriously? You break up friendships, bully everyone to keep them under control, divide people, steal superweapons from a country that's permanently besieged by Elder Evils, and blaspheme against her Momjesty!"
Sunset: "Oh, sure. I break up your friends, I bully you, I endanger your country… It's always about you, you, you! Well, no more! Just once, I'm gonna have it be about me!"
Sunset: "Now, you infuriating little wunderkind… We both know you belong here like bark on a cat. So here's the deal: You hand me my crown, and you can go back home… or will introduce the portal to my sledgehammer and strand you here FOREVER!"
Twilight: "Actually, wouldn't the sledgehammer just go through the portal?"
Sunset: "...You don't know that for sure."
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "No deal."
Sunset: "Transspecie what."
Sunset: "Equestria! Your friends! Your family! Your goddess! Your magic! Your power! You'd lose everything!"
Twilight: "You are clearly planning to use this crown to get magical powers. Without powers, you were able to turn this school into your little fiefdom. With them, you'd be a global threat to this whole damn planet."
Twilight: "As for Equestria: I trust in the Elemental Harmony Squad. I trust in her Momjesty. I trust in my brother and sister-in-law. I trust in the Power of Friendship that defeated the wendigos. Equestria will survive without me, or the Rainbow Deathray."
Twilight: "...Plus, if I don't come back, I'm sure her Momjesty will figure some way of rescuing me. Eventually. Really, it's mostly Spike's aging rate I'd be concerned with."
Sunset: "Curse your sudden but inevitable logic!" *drops the hammer. Not on the portal*
Rainbow Dash: "You. Are. Awesome! ...I'm not overusing that word, am I?"
Applejack: "Ah'm humbled that ya were willin' ta go this far fer our sake!"
Rarity: "Of all the best princesses that could happen, you are the BEST. PRINCIPAL. THING."
Sunset: "Oh sure, it'll all her her her her HER! Well, NOT SO FAST, BUCKO!" *jumps in*
GAME OF KEEP-AWAY FOR ALL THE MARBLES!
Sunset: *gets Elemental Harmony Crown*
Sunset: "Finally... after all this time... all those plans and effort... POWER! REAL ULTIMATE POWER!"
Sunset: *uses crown*
Sunset: *becomes Sunset of Worlds, Archdemon!*
Applejack: "What just happened?"
Twilight: "The crown is a powerful harmony device, but it doesn't belong in this world. So it attempts to impose an order that doesn't fit this world's order. This generates a reality dissonance, making reality fragile and malleable around the user, thus allowing them to warp it to their will."
Applejack: "What just happened in layman's language?"
Twilight: "Sunset just got superpowers."
Applejack: "Ah. So, on a scale o' 1 ta 10, how screwed are we?"
Sunset of Worlds: "13! BWAHAHAHA!"
Sunset of Worlds: *turns Snips&Snails into demons*
Snails: "This is the coolest thing ever!"
Snips: "I can't imagine anything ever going wrong with this!"
Rest of the students: "Whatever this is... it doesn't look good." *hide inside school*
Sunset of Worlds: "There is no escape." *annihilates school front wall*
Sunset of Worlds: "You swarm of anthropoid buffoons... I've had to jump through so many hoops over the years to stay in your good graces, but no more! From now on, and forevermore, you are MINE!"
Sunset of Worlds: *puppets entire student body*
Twilight: "Oh my Momjesty. All along, I thought you were an evil version of myself, like Sombra. But you're actually more like a mish-mash of every villain I've faced: Formerly close to her Momjesty like Night Mare Moon, drove a wedge between my friends like the Ebon Dragon, tried to pass for a pillar of the community like the Unseelie Queen, enslaves people like Sombra, jealous upstart like Darth Trixie…"
Sunset of Worlds: "OK, confession time: When I threatened to destroy the portal? Totally a bluff. I don't want to rule this pathetic, magic-less, tech-dependent world. The plan was always to return to Equestria with the power to take it over… and now, with my teenage army, I shall conquer it!"
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "OK, see, I want to point out the problems with your plan, but I'm not even sure where to begin. You're more of a social manipulation expert than a strategy expert, aren't you."
Sunset of Worlds: "Ha! Mock all you want, you can no longer stop me! I got magic; you got ZIP!"
Rainbow Dash: "She's got us! She still has friends who'll stay by her side - unlike you, who literally need to zombify people just to keep them from running away!"
Sunset of Worlds: "..."
Sunset of Worlds: "My, my! The whole gang really is together again! I cannot help but laugh!"
Fluttershy: "Actually, you look more like you're crying. Are you OK?"
Sunset of Worlds: "...OK. Not funny anymore. Time for some Savior of Worlds flambé."
Sunset of Worlds: *FIREBALL AT TWILIGHT!*
Elemental Harmony Squad: *desperately try to shield Twilight with their bodies!*
Sunset of Worlds: "I love the smell of charred corpses in the evening. Smells like victory."
Sunset of Worlds: "...Why am I not smelling victory?"
Twilight Sparkle, Savior of Worlds: *magical shield!*
Sunset of Worlds: "WHAT?!"
Twilight: "Oh, Sunset, Sunset, Sunset. You really don't get what's happening at all, do you? That's why you should have stayed in magic school."
Sunset of Worlds: "WHAT?!"
Twilight: "Sure, an Element of Harmony in the wrong universe generates a reality dissonance. Because, despite how similar our worlds are, there are differences between their natural orders. Different biology. Different history. Different physics, to some extent. But you know one thing that's the same? Friendship, and all the elements of the harmony it involves."
Sunset of Worlds: "WHAT?!"
Twilight: "You figured that the crown was creating the reality dissonance by trying to impose Equestria's natural order on this world. Newsflash: That natural order involves magic… and if there's magic, then the power of the Elements of Harmony goes to those who embody the Power of Friendship."
Sunset of Worlds: "WHAT?!"
Twilight: "Remember Clover the Clever and friends? They were able to tap into immense magic through friendship and harmony. And you probably didn't know it, because the details of the fight weren't publicized, but Night Mare Moon broke the Elements of Harmony. Didn't change didly squat, because the connection my friends and I had to the Elements reforged them quasi-instantly!"
Sunset of Worlds: "WHAT?!"
Twilight: "And right now? Well, friendship's a fairly universal concept, and whereas you are utterly friendless, I am literally the God-Queen of Friendship. So the crown connects to me. And since reality is, thanks to you, so malleable… the crown's forging connections to my friends here, much as if they possessed their Elements, like my friends back home. The worlds are connected, remember?"
Sunset of Worlds: "WHAT?!"
Twilight: "In other words…"
Twilight and friends: *become semi-equines*
Twilight: "...BY YOUR POWERS COMBINED, I AM CAPTAIN PONY!"
RAINBOW DEATHRAY FTW!
Sunset of Worlds: "CURSE YOU MEDDLING PEEEEEERS!"
Applejack: "Oh gods. Ah think tha magic's done turned us into furries."
Rarity: "Wwwwhy? I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a good look for us, but it might be… problematic in the long run."
Rainbow Dash: "Speak for yourself. I have wings. MY LIFE HAS NEW MEANING!"
Twilight: "Eh... Like I said: Malleable reality and all that. The magic of the crown was drawing a bit of a confusion between you girls and parallel universe versions of yourselves with their own magical resources. Long story. Anyway, I'm pretty sure you'll go back to normal once the connection between worlds is closed, and that's in about fifty minutes."
Sunset Shimmer, charred human: *sobs inside crater*
Twilight: "You! You will never rule Equestria. Your power here is gone, now that you've shown everyone your true colors. In the end, you were nothing but a- "
Sunset: "WHYYYYYYYYYY?!"
Twilight: "Um."
Sunset: "WHY?! Why is it always you who gets everything, and I who get left behind tasting the ashes?!"
Sunset: "I studied so hard to be a Savior of Worlds, but it was never enough! I tried to impress people by showing how much better than them I was, and they just hated me for it! I forced everyone to acknowledge my authority, and they all thought I was a jerk! I used bucking magic to make them mine, and you just popped a bigger weapon out of your hat and knocked me down!"
Sunset: "WHY? Why do I always end up alone?! Why is it that you always have friends willing to lay down their lives for you, and I've got no-one?!"
Sunset: "Um, no offence, Snips and Snails."
Snips&Snails: "None taken."
Twilight: *helps Sunset up*
Sunset: "!"
Twilight: "Sunset... Friendship isn't a power relation. To have friends, you must first be a friend… and for that, you need to treat others as equals, not as peons for you to dominate."
Sunset: "Wait, that's an option?! How the Dream Valley do you do that?! Conflicts inevitably arise with others!"
Twilight: "So you talk things out like adults. You agree to disagree. You… Sweet Momjesty, you really have no idea how to be a friend, do you?"
Sunset: "I... kinda spent years driving everyone away here."
Twilight's Inner Dialog: "Well, I'm sure her Momjesty would forgive you… but I think what you NEED is the forgiveness of the humans you've been tormenting all this time. I think you need to stay here for the time being."
Twilight: "Well then. I'm appointing five friendship teachers to you. Guess whom."
Spike: "Wooo! Total victory across the board! Have yourselves the Spike Seal of Approval!"
Random student: "Did... did that dog just talk?"
Spike: "No, Twilight here is just a skilled ventriloquist. YES, I can talk. Also, Sunset's turned into a demon, you guys got puppeteered like zombies, Twilight&co zapped the demon with a rainbow deathray, and then they forgave Sunset Shimmer, but a talking dog is what you find weird here?"
Rarity: "Well, I for one think you're adorable." *ear-scratch*
Spike: "Like a boss."
Celestia: "I don't know about you, but I've been having a fantastic night. A few fun facts:"
Celestia: "One: The energy signature of a Rainbow Deathray is very high. Practically the same as a city being hit by a killsat. And yet, it didn't harm the city in the least."
Celestia: "Two: There used to be an impregnable bunker on a place called Crystal Skull Island. Now, it's just an unremarkable, featureless spot in the ocean. Killsats are funny like that."
Celestia: "Three: No matter the world, a true leader doesn't make others bow to them - a true leader is one that can inspire others to stand with them."
Celestia: "Four: You are such a leader, Twilight Sparkle... And I hope you are aware of it." *crowns Twilight*
Crowd: *cheers*
Twilight: "Um... Thank you. But, er... Sunset's bullying had been going around for years. Why didn't you put a stop to it?"
Celestia: "Well, as painful as her actions were to everyone, I decided to allow them temporarily because I had this big Batman Gambit set up to…"
Twilight: "Ah. Say no more."
Celestia: "Yeah, I imagine you're getting used to this sort of thing."
Twilight: "Wait, do you know about the world on the other side of-"
Celestia: "That would be telling, now wouldn't it."
Twilight: "...All right. But you will handle Sunset Shimmer's rehabilitation program along with my friends, yes?"
Celestia: "Cross my heart and hope to fly."
Flash Sentry: "Would now... be a completely awkward time to ask you for that dance?" [/actual dialog]
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Ah, buck it all. To quote Pinkie Pies, let's party!"
Party time redux!
Rainbow Dash: "Yo, Scootaloo! Want an air ride?!"
Scootaloo: "Is this party awesome?"
Vinyl Scratch: "OK, I guess playing 'Thriller' would be tasteless tonight, but I'll bet 'TNT' will go well with this audience…"
TWILIGHT DANCING!
Flash Sentry: "Sweet fancy Moses!"
Flash Sentry: "..."
Flash Sentry: "Ah well."
FLASH SENTRY DANCING!
Photo Finish: "Smile, all of you picture-perfect pony girls!"
Farewells!
Many hugs: *were had*
Twilight: "You girls will take care of Sunset, won't you? I know she's a psycho-bitch… but, for the grace of her Momjesty there go I. Either of us could have ended up like the other…"
Rarity: "We'll do our best to bring out her better side. Though I will be expecting an apology."
Twilight: "Oh, I'm seeing a lot of apologies in her near-future."
Luna: "You start with a long, hard apology to the wall, youngsters."
Sunset: "Sigh... Yes ma'am." *gets to work fixing the wall*
Snips: "Man, being evil is lame."
Snails: "Word."
Twilight: "So... this is goodbye, girls. Despite having only known you for a short while, I'm really gonna miss you all."
Twilight: "Oh, and one more thing: If you girls make more friends, and one of them, one day, completely ruins the rehearsal for the wedding of the century… go easy on her." *walks back to the portal*
Spike: "Ya know, the crown does suit you… Doctor Sparkle."
Twilight: "Heh. Much as I love the sound of that… feel free to call me God-Queen Twilight if you want to."
Spike: "Progress! And what about having wings?"
Twilight: "After walking on bipedal stilts and handling everything with tentacle-fingers? Wings will be easy!"
Twilight&Spike: *go back to Equestria*
Portal: *closes*
Pinkie Pie: *tries to run through portal*
Portal: "DENIED!"
Pinkie Pie: "Darn."
Back to Equestria!
Twilight: "Whoa. Quadrupedal balance... reacquired."
Elemental Harmony Squad: "YOU'RE BACK!"
God-Queen Luna: "And so's the superweapon, so, good job."
God-Queen Celestia: "Forgive the question, but… What of Sunset Shimmer?"
Twilight: "Oh, don't worry too much about her. She may not write letters, but I do believe she's learned an important lesson regardless. I believe you'll be seeing her again when the stars are right… and until then, I've left her in good hands. The best."
Rainbow Dash: "...What are hands?"
God-Queen Celestia: "She means hooves. Long story."
A deluge of questions later:
Twilight: "Girls, I'd love to answer your questions, and maybe probably write and publish a detailed book about my voyage, but right now? Right now, the fact that I've been up all night is catching up to me. Purple nerd needs sleep - badly."
Twilight: *bumps into soldier pony*
Soldier Pony: "We've got to stop bumping into each other like this, Doctor Sparkle."
Twilight: "!"
Twilight: "Cadance, quick: Who's that guy, exactly?"
Cadance: "Oh, he's a new member of the castle guard. Flash Sentry, if memory serves."
Cadance, budding God-Queen of Love: "Why, do you know him, hmmm?"
Twilight: "Well...No?"
Applejack: "Oooh, somepony sounds like she's got a crush. So much fer half our bets on yer preferences."
Twilight: "Technically, you are wrong."
Rarity: "My goodness, you do have a crush!"
Twilight: "You are being ridiculous. I don't even know this guy."
Twilight: "Buuuut, in the interest of full disclosure, you are partially correct. You see…"
Pinkie Pie: "...he's actually this universe's version of a really sweet guy you met on the other side of the portal who played some great guitar, was nice and helpful every step of the way, helped clear your name, had great chemistry with you, and was the perfect date?"
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Pinkie... Do you sometimes get all sorts of hunches and hallucinations about a world full of bipedal creatures that remind you of the people you know? Does it sometimes feel like you're there, but seeing everything from some five or six feet above the ground, about the same height as them? Do the events there often match the events that happen in your real life… but in a different order? And when events there happen before they actually happen to you… do you feel all sorts of twitches?"
Pinkie: "GASP! Are you psychic?!"
Spike: "Twilight? You're smiling. Big and wide. Why?"
Twilight: "Because once I've had some sleep, Spike, I'm gonna have so. Many. Research papers to write and publish. And that, Spike, is the true meaning of happy endings."
God-Queen Luna: "Dear sister, are thou here? I was pondering the curriculum that you wished to subject your recent graduate to, given that-"
God-Queen Celestia: *is laughing uncontrollably*
God-Queen Luna: "Sister? Celly?"
God-Queen Celestia: *still laughing, pointing at one of the viewscreens* "She spaced him! She ejected him into space! Right into the black hole!"
God-Queen Luna: "Um."
God-Queen Celestia: "I was just keeping watch, like he'd agreed I'd do, and I was nudging his blue box so it would fall into the right pit for him to find later, and now those two have dropped the bastard into a black hole! This is fantastic!"
God-Queen Luna: "I... can come back later?"
EQUESTRIA GIRLS
Welcome to the Crystal Empire! Home of this year's Equestrian Games, and of the Heart of Ponyland 2.0!
Applejack: "Ah still canna believe our very own Twilight's achieved apotheosis! An' graduated!"
Twilight Sparkle, PhD: "To be honest, I'll confess I'm… slightly apprehensive about the whole thing?"
Pinkie Pie: "You mean, feelings of nervousness gnawing at you, devouring your entrails, trying to hang you with your own intestines, keeping you awake at night, always telling you that you are, forever, not good enough?"
Fluttershy: "Welcome to my life."
Pinkie Pie: "Well shucks, Twilight! We've all been there!"
Rarity: "I, for one, cannot help but notice that you're not wearing your crown."
Twilight: "It's in the luggage. I just don't feel ready to wear in public the tip of a friendship-powered WMD that also identifies me as a budding cosmic entity - especially now that I know it can act as an overpowered mana focus for my spells. Heck, I'm still getting used to the wings."
Rainbow Dash: "Weren't you able to fly across Canterlot at the coronation?"
Twilight: "Completely different thing. I was gliding on the narrativium energies of the song number."
Rainbow Dash: "Fair enough."
Rarity: "Well, to each their own. If I had a crown like that... I wouldn't take it off. Ever. I'd go to Nightmare Night as a princess or something."
Twilight: "I can completely believe that."
The royal chamber!
Twilight: *bumps into soldier pony*
Soldier Pony: "Her highness, Princess Twi-"
Twilight: "Ahem."
Soldier Pony: "...Her highness, Twilight Sparkle, PhD!"
Twilight: "Thank you."
God-Queen Celestia: "Ah, the Elemental Harmony Squad! So very good to see you. We have much to discuss, but that can wait after you've all had a good night's sleep. So, I will stick for now with only this two-hour speech I've prepared:"
God-Queen Celestia: "Now off to bed, ponies."
Twilight: "...That was a two-hour speech?"
God-Queen Celestia: "I cut out the non-essentials."
Twilight: "Spike, be honest: Does this crown make my head look fat?"
Spike: "...You're not going to go into one of your over-worrying breakdowns, right?"
Twilight: "No, it's just... Cadance achieved alicornhood off-screen, and her Momjesty later appointed her interim governor of the Crystal Empire - and that position is looking less and less 'interim' by the day! What if she decided to put me in charge of some province?"
Spike: "Then your reign shall be glorious and full of lectures!"
Twilight: "I'm serious! Just because I'm a badass archmage who was able to complete the Apotheosis Spell, that doesn't make me a good leader!"
Spike: "How about successfully leading the Elemental Harmony Squad against Night Mare Moon, the Ebon Dragon, the swarm of pony-sized acid-spewing hornets, the…"
Twilight: "OK, fine, but there's a difference between a superhero squad leader and a peacetime political leader!"
Spike: "Just sleep on it, Twilight. I don't want to end up having this conversation with a sleep-deprived alicorn."
Twilight: "Fair enough. I'm sure getting some sleep will help me discuss this as rationally as possible later."
*four hours later*
Twilight: "HOW THE BUCKING BUCKITY BUCK DO PEGASI SLEEP WITH THESE WINGS GETTING IN THE WAY?!"
Spike: *sighs, resigns himself to a difficult day ahead*
[To the tune of Phineas&Ferb's "Kick it up a Notch":]
If you want MLP, bronies just keep watching
It ain't no season 4, but we hope that it can still entertain
We've got hooves on the ground, a great creative team
We're crossing items off the fanfic writers' dreams
With yet another villain here to commit a crime
And with the Where-I-Watcher struggling to make all of these lines rhyme
Rejoice for this is movie time!
This is movie time!
More than an hour long
This is movie time!
It has more than one song
This is movie time!
And since we've changed our old status quo
Let's see how many changes we still can make, while keeping MLP strong!
This is movie time!
Yeah, time for Sunset Shimmer!
This is movie time!
Can Twilight still end up the winner?!
This is movie time!
'Cause now she'll face the high school senior from Hell!
This is movie time!
More than an hour long
This is movie time!
It has more than one song
This is movie time!
With a changed status quo
Let's see how many changes we still can make, while keeping MLP strong!
At night:
Magical cowled villainous pony who is not Trixie this time around: *lockpick spell*
MCVPWINTTTA: *stealth*
MCVPWINTTTA: *steals Elemental Harmony Crown, replaces with replica*
MCVPWINTTTA: *bucks up, wakes Twilight and Spike*
Twilight: "Thievery! Larceny! Criminality! Plot! Somepony catch that MCVPWINTTTA! To me, Elemental Harmony Squad!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: *chases MCVPWINTTTA*
Twilight: "Never assume that a unicorn can't move faster than her running speed!" *teleports in front of MCVPWINTTTA*
MCVPWINTTTA: "I wasn't assuming." *teleports past Twilight*
Twilight: "Wait, what? The number of ponies who can teleport this quickly is less than I can count on my… my… well, something I have ten of!"
Twilight: "Oh well. If anything, you've just greatly reduced the list of potential suspects."
Twilight: *tackles MCVPWINTTTA*
Elemental Harmony Crown: *ricochets across the room, and goes through a mirror*
Mirror: *not actually damaged*
Twilight: "...Da buck did I just watch?"
MCVPWINTTTA: "Aaaaaand that's my cue. Winner exit, stage right." *escapes via mirror*
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "...I'm sure her Momjesty has a spare Rainbow Deathray."
God-Queen Celestia: "I see. Your description is a dead ringer for none other than Sunset Shimmer."
Twilight: "Who?"
God-Queen Celestia: "You might call her my most unfaithful student. She was… shortly before your time. She enrolled in my School for Gifted Unicorns, but, when she couldn't get her way quickly enough, she dropped out, and decided to become a supervillain."
Twilight: "...I don't get it. You're the most awesome teacher ever. How could a student of yours turn evil?"
God-Queen Celestia: "That... was kind of my fault, really. Back then, I was obsessed with putting together the perfect Batman Gambit to redeem my sister. Trying to fulfill prophecies can be… tricky. Let's say that when I found a driven, magically-gifted unicorn named after the 'shine that reconciles night and day', I jumped to conclusions."
God-Queen Celestia: "If anything, I owe Sunset an apology. Barely a young filly, she was dropped into the role of Savior of Worlds, with huge expectations that she had to work so hard to live up to… only for it to gradually turn out that she wasn't the Chosen One."
God-Queen Celestia: "In hindsight? I screwed up, big time. I was so focused on disarming the doomsday clock, that I didn't make enough time for her and her emotional turmoil."
God-Queen Luna: "Yes, yes. Terribly tragic. May we now focus on recovering the irreplaceable superweapon?"
Twilight: "Well, first I'd need to learn more about that... mirror, or whatever it was."
God-Queen Luna: "As we do not have all day, I shall give you notes so condensed, that you could realistically read them in the time you could spend hanging off a cliff."
God-Queen Luna: "In the ancient days, there existed a Rainbow Bridge. A Bifrost, if you will. It joined two worlds - the land that would one day become Equestria, and another world - a very, very alien one."
God-Queen Luna: "When my sister and I ascended to godhood, we rebooted this world, turning it into something far less dangerous. But the Bifrost couldn't really handle the change, and shattered. We tried to forge a portal of sorts from the shards - this so-called 'mirror' - but what we got, instead, led us to an intermediate world."
Twilight: "Intermediate world?"
God-Queen Luna: "A reflection of other realities. Possibly a side-effect of the reality reboot and the shattering of Bifrost, combining elements of both worlds."
God-Queen Luna: "...Or at least, that's what our studies were able to conclude. Since the mirror only allows passage during specific time intervals, learning more was always tricky."
God-Queen Luna: "For most of Equestria's history, the mirror was kept in the Canterlot throne room, so that if some Elder Evil crawled out, there would be a God-Queen on hand to deal with it. Following the liberation of the Crystal Empire, we placed it here, figuring the Heart of Ponyland 2.0 could do the job even better."
God-Queen Celestia: "Deep down, I always hoped that Sunset Shimmer had found her destiny on the other side of the mirror, and was having epic world-saving adventures as a hero from another world. But that was too optimistic."
Cadence: "Anyway, we need the Elemental Harmony Crown back ASAP. Without it, the rest of the Rainbow Deathray is just an assortment of shiny rocks."
Rarity: "Do not diss shiny rocks, please."
God-Queen Luna: "To make matters worse, it is all too likely that Sunset Shimmer will figure out a way to weaponize the crown within the intermediate world - and its inhabitants may not have the means to defend themselves. As such, Doctor Sparkle, it is vital that you head there and retrieve the purloined artifact post-haste."
God-Queen Celestia: "Go out there and save worlds, Twilight."
Rainbow Dash: "Twilight and the rest of the Elemental Harmony Squad. That's what you really meant, right?"
God-Queen Celestia: "I'm afraid not. This is a task Twilight must handle alone."
Twilight: "...You mean, because it's actually a test that I win by realizing I must accept help from others even if that goes against my orders?"
God-Queen Celestia: "No, because following you would be physically impossible. If it were that simple, I'd already be there myself."
God-Queen Celestia: "Unfortunately, there are hard limits on the amount of mass that can cross the mirror. Two full-sized ponies? Acceptable. Three? Not a chance."
Twilight: "And since Sunset Shimmer is already on the other side…"
God-Queen Celestia: "...I cannot cross the gap. Even Luna is unable to. I'm afraid we can only send one regular-sized heroine, and Twilight, you're the most qualified."
Twilight: "Ah."
Twilight Sparkle, Ph.D: "Allons-y, then!" *crosses portal*
Spike: "..."
Spike: "Hey, guess what's purple and smaller than a pony and on the other side of the portal? MY FACE!" *runs through portal*
God-Queen Celestia: "...Well, that works too."
Trippy dimension-hopping sequence!
Twilight: "Urgh... Dear Momjesty, today I learned that dimensional travel should be undertaken with some aspirin."
Spike: "Prepare for an entirely different kind of headache."
Twilight: "Spike? You're looking... canine."
Spike: "NOOOOO! Universe, you can't turn me into a mammal! That's just cruel!"
Twilight: "Sssssso, I take it you won't be pet-sitting Wynona today."
Spike: "On the bright side, at least I know what I am. You seem more, ah, obscure."
Twilight: *notices*
Twilight: "AHHHHH! TENTACLES! TENTACLES! MY HOOVES HAVE TURNED INTO TENTACLES! I DON'T WANT TO BE A HENTAI MONSTER!"
Spike: "Twilight, focus!"
Twilight: *throws her cares away*
Twilight: *that's a lot of cares!*
Twilight: "What... do I look like?"
Spike: "...I don't even know where to begin. You look... Twilight Sparklish, at least?"
Spike: "Kind of a flat face, though."
Twilight: *sobs*
Twilight: "OK. OK. Serious Twilight is serious. We need to find the superweapon firing module, and this massive building here looks like a good place to start."
Spike: "Hi-ho, Twilight!"
Passerby: *walks dog*
Passerby: *sees weird girl running on all four with her dog on her back*
Passerby: "WTF?"
Spike: "Ah, Twilight? I'm not sure your current form uses quadrupedal locomotion."
Passerby: "Did... Did your dog just talk?"
Spike: "Ha ha ha, of course not. Twilight here is just a skilled ventriloquist."
Passerby: "Right, I guess that makes sense." *wanders off*
Twilight: "Just great. A bipedal form! Just what I needed!"
Spike: "I'm mostly bipedal."
Twilight: "You don't have these mismatched legs, with the hind ones being longer than the rest of your body! It's like walking on stilts!"
Spike: "Look on the bright side: At least you don't have to deal with wings!"
Twilight: "Spike? Permission to shut up granted."
Twilight: "Hm. Glass doors. In fact, lots of glass around this place. I'm gonna guess they've got good industrial production of the stuff on this world."
Twilight: *splats on door like a bug on a windshield*
Twilight: "WTB? My magic! I think there's some kind of disjunction field neutralizing my magic!"
Spike: "Er... Actually, it's probably because your current form has no horn."
Twilight: "WHAT?! That should have been the first thing you mentioned!"
Twilight: "An archmage on a critical mission without magic! This is AWFUL! This is TERRIBLE! This is SUB-OPTIMAL!"
Spike: "So... away from all but one of your friends. No support network. No superweapon. No magic. I swear, it's like the universe is deliberately stripping you of every single advantage you have in a curious bid to see what you can accomplish with nothing but your mind and personality."
Twilight: "Once I get my powers back, I'm going to reboot the universe, restore it to its current state, then reboot it again over and over until it begs for mercy!"
A bit over 1000 years ago:
God-Queen Celestia: "That's for Molly!" *reboots universe* "And that's for Danny!" *reboots universe* "And that's for Molly!" *reboots universe* "And that's for the flutter ponies!" *reboots universe* "And that's for Molly!" *reboots universe* "And that's for the Crystal Empire!" *reboots universe* "And that's for Molly!" *reboots universe* "And that's for Aslan!" *reboots universe* "And that's for Molly!"
Universe: "Have... mercy…"
God-Queen Celestia: "I'll show mercy when you show me a way of getting my sister back!"
Universe: "How... how about a cryptic prophecy about stars helping her escape from Night Mare Moon's hold on her self?"
God-Queen Celestia: "I'll have that in writing, buster."
In the present:
Twilight: *checks trophies inside*
Twilight: "So. Other stolen artifacts, or just cheap craftsmanship?"
Spike: "Well, I'm not feeling a particularly strong desire to collect them all and sleep on them, so I'm leaning toward the latter."
Twilight: *sees own reflection*
Twilight: "Sweet Momjesty... I'm some kind of furless ape! I look vaguely reminiscent of those old fresques in the Crystal Empire!"
SUDDENLY RECESS!
Twilight: *drowns in the human tide*
Twilight: *bumps into blue-haired guy. Yep.*
Blue-haired guy: "Hey, you all right?" *helps Twilight up*
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "...Spike, wasn't that... suspiciously similar to how I bumped in that royal guard yesterday?"
Spike: "Kinda."
Twilight: "Riiiiight. This world is a mix of elements from Equestria and whatever was on the other side of the Bifrost. So, I should have some familiar elements at least. Now I need to take a step back, and analyze my new environment."
[To the (rough) tune of "A Whole New World":]
Let's examine this world - strange, unknown and mysterious
First a princess now an ape - how much more must I transform?
Let's keep open our eyes - these hominids seem studious
At specific intervals through these hallways they all swarm
Parallel world! One where strange bipeds rule the land!
They have no flight nor spells!
And thus I dwell
On how at all they manage?
Parallel world! One where on hind legs I must stand!
They all use technology
Yes now I see
Their tech makes ours look like mere garbage
They have ten tentacles - technically they are fingers
Color schemes so familiar - I think some folks are the same!
They age at different rates - technically I'm a minor
A princess too young to vote? That's one for the hall of shame!
Parallel world! One where strange bipeds rule the land!
They have no flight nor spells!
And thus I dwell
On how at all they manage?
Parallel world! One where on hind legs I must stand!
They all use technology
Yes now I see
Their tech makes ours look like mere garbage
Parallel world!
Familiar voice: "I'm sorry…"
Alpha Bitch: "You haven't even begun to feel sorry, hippie scum!"
Twilight: "!"
Familiar voice: *belongs to human!Fluttershy*
Fluttershy (sorta): "Um, I was just returning it to-"
Alpha Bitch: "You should be returning to the primordial ooze, where you belong! That thing was mine! No wonder all your friends are stray animals!"
Twilight: *has had enough of your shit*
Spike: *needs to choke a bitch*
Twilight: "Silence, you miserable mass of misbehaving malevolence! You have no right to speak to her like that! In fact, you don't have the right to speak to anyone like that! In fact, after hearing you flap your mouth, I'm not sure you have the right to speak at all!"
Alpha Bitch: "You, poor deluded fool, are clearly new here if you think there is any limit whatsoever on my rights. Here, I possess POWER! ULTIMATE POWER!"
Alpha Bitch, to random student: "HEY, YOU! Stuff yourself in your locker." *walks away*
Random student: "Yes ma'am, of course ma'am, please don't do to me whatever it is the rumor mill last claimed you did do those who disobey you ma'am."
Fluttershy: "I can't believe you just did that!"
Twilight: "Well, what was I supposed to do, ignore it? Buck the Bystander Effect."
Fluttershy: "Buck? Never heard that euphemism before."
Fluttershy: "But it's just that... No-one ever stands up to Sunset Shimmer."
Twilight: "That's silly, she's just a jumped-up bully with a SUNSET SHIMMER?!"
Fluttershy: "Yes. Everyone is terrified of her."
Random student: "...Is she gone?"
Other student: "Well, she's still somewhere in this school."
Random student: "Oh crap!" *stuffs self back in locker*
Twilight: "..."
Fluttershy: "Say, are you new here? A transfer student?"
Twilight: "Ha ha ha! Yes! I, Twilight Sparkle, am a transfer student, and in no way a PhD graduate! Because that would obviously be silly!"
Twilight: "And you would be, er…"
Fluttershy: *silence of the moeblob*
Awkwardness Level: Uncomfortable silence.
Twilight: "I'm sorry, what was that?"
Fluttershy: "My name's mumble-mumble."
Awkwardness Level: Realizing you're naked in class.
Twilight: "I'm pretty sure mumble-mumble isn't an actual name."
Fluttershy: *unlocks new Silent Moeblob level*
Awkwardness Level: Realizing you're naked at the pope's funeral. And it's your fault he's dead.
Twilight: "Diiiidn't quite catch that."
Fluttershy: *unintelligible squeaky sounds*
Awkwardness Level: RUUUUUN!
Twilight: "It kinda sounded like... Fluttershy?"
Twilight: "So... Fluttershy, huh? This raises all sorts of interesting questions…"
Fluttershy: *sees Spike*
Fluttershy: "Ohmygshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!"
Fluttershy: *exaltation burns out shyness*
Fluttershy: *rushes toward Spike, knocking Twilight out of the way*
Fluttershy: "Kawaaaaaaai! Here, have some treats!"
Spike: *tries out the Scooby snack*
Spike: *confirms that getting a non-draconic digestive system didn't make him too picky an eater*
Fluttershy: "D'awwwww! Whose a good boy? Whose a good boy?"
Twilight: "That's who's with an apostrophe, Fluttershy, a contraction of 'who is'. 'Whose', like 'its', denotes the possessive."
Fluttershy: "...How can you tell whether or not I'm using the apostrophe?"
Twilight: "Correct grammar. It's kind of my thing."
Fluttershy: "Well, who's a good boy? Yesh it'sh you! Yesh it'sh you! D'awww. Wouldn't you give anything to know what they're thinking?"
Twilight: "Eh, he's usually pretty outspoken about it, actually."
Fluttershy: "Huh?"
Spike: *Bark*"Ixnay"*Bark*"on the alkingtay!"*Bark*
Twilight: "Nnnnnothing."
Twilight: "Sssssso. That... thing Sunset wanted. Was it, perchance, a crown?"
Fluttershy: "How did you know?"
Twilight: "I am a master detective. An absolute Sherlock Hoo... Er, you know."
Fluttershy: "I found it this morning, while I was miserably failing to recruit volunteers for the Canterlot Animal Shelter, like always. I had just gotten started on my daily ritual of sitting down and crying in despair at the cruel unfairness of the world, when the world bopped me on the head with that crown thingy."
Twilight: "Great! And that crown is now in the possession of…"
Fluttershy: "Principal Celestia."
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "I... Uh... Erk... But... That... Then... How... At what point…"
Twilight: "...Principal Celestia?"
Fluttershy: "Um, yes. Principal Celestia has been running the school since before I was here, with the help of her sister, vice-principal Luna. And before that, I hear the school was run by her mother, who was also named Celestia, just like her mother before her, and her mother before her. In fact, there's this really really really really long family tree of near-identical women named Celestia who have all held some position of importance around here. There are all sorts of strange rumors about them. Some urban legends even claim they're all the same, immortal person, but that can't be true, right?"
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "If I think too hard about this right now, my brain will break."
Fluttershy: "Oh, and, um... careful, you're not supposed to bring your pets to school. That's why I carry mine in my backpack:"
Fluttershy: *unveils class menagerie*
Spike: "Angel."
In the office of God-Principal Celestia:
Celestia: "I'm sorry, Mister President, but as long as Doctor Sombra controls the killsat network, any direct action you or I take against him would be suicidal. Do not worry, though - I've already got a few plans in motion."
Celestia: *puts phone down* "Hello, what can I do for you?"
Twilight: "Er, hi, your Momjes - I mean, Miss! My name's Twilight Sparkle, and I'm new here, and I needed to ask about that crown Fluttershy brought you this morning…"
Celestia: "Ah, yes. Not quite sure how it got there. Why, were you planning to run for princess of the Fall Formal?"
Twilight: "The who where what now?"
Celestia: "It's a yearly party the school throws, accompanied by a glorified popularity contest; the students elect a princess, who wears the crown for the rest of the evening."
Celestia: "Of course, the 'popularity' thing kinda got sidetracked once Sunset Shimmer started terrorizing everyone into doing her bidding."
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "You know what? The answer to your earlier question is yes. Yes, I'm running for princess." *departs*
Vice-Principal Luna: "What was that about?"
Celestia: "A so-called student who isn't registered in our database, and stands up to Sunset Shimmer? Not from here. Infiltrating the school, but unwilling to leave her dog outside? Clearly not some professional infiltrator. Opposes the school bully for Fluttershy's sake? Probably a hero. Went to the wrong bathroom, stares around slack-jawed at the mundane things everyone does, opened my office door with her head? Alien. Interested enough in the crown to run for princess? Very interesting."
Luna: "So you're saying, she's a hero from another world having epic world-saving adventures?"
Celestia: "I give it good odds, at least. Anyway, pass me Doctor Sombra's file…"
Spike: "Soooo... why didn't you just tell Celestia the truth, and where can I find some aspirin for the headache that saying that sentence gave me?"
Twilight: "I have no proof of any of it, and check the back pocket."
Twilight: "I mean, how exactly am I supposed to convince her that I'm an alien hero from another world? It's kinda hard to convince people of something that fantastic."
Spike: "You know, dogs can't talk around here. I could tell her."
Twilight: "Sorry Spike, but most people don't radically change their worldview the moment some new evidence is introduced. Maybe if there was some pre-existing trust to work on. But as is, mostly I'd just risk passing for a nutbag. And I really can't afford to be institutionalized right now."
Spike: "What about taking the crown by force? You could do that Solid Sparkle thing again."
Twilight: "First of all: No. Second, I'm not gonna establish our First-ish Contact with this world by breaking all its laws. That's not good diplomacy, and her Momjesty always said you had to consider consequences past the most immediate crisis."
Spike: "So... you're going to try to become a princess instead."
Twilight: "How hard can that be? I once did it by accident!"
Twilight: "So. Fluttershy."
Fluttershy: "Um, hi, Twilight. Thanks again for standing up for me. If there's any way I can help you…"
Twilight: "I'm running for princess of the Fall Formal."
Fluttershy: "...Hit you on the back of the head with something heavy, then keep you tied and gagged somewhere safe until the end of the year. That's the only way to protect you."
Twilight: "Why, what's so wrong with running for Princess?"
Fluttershy: "Sunset Shimmer, that's what! She ruthlessly crushes all the competition! The last girl who tried to run against her ended up spending a week crying into her fainting couch!"
Twilight: "Fluttershy, I promise you - I've faced worse than Sunset Shimmer."
Fluttershy: "What could possibly be worse than a really mean popular classmate?"
Twilight: "A... few things."
Fluttershy: "But anyway, it would be hopeless - you'd need to get the votes of all the cliques! The jocks, the literati, the artsies, the geeks, the metalheads, the bronies, the detectives, the cosplayers, the furries, the aliens…"
Twilight: *looks around* "Whoa whoa whoa. Why is everypony-"
Spike: *dope-slap!*
Twilight: "...Why is everybody hanging in compartmentalized cliques?"
Fluttershy: "Um, it's the natural law I guess. Like attracts like?"
Twilight: "What? That's a big pile of minotaur manure! I mean, sure, some people are gonna make friends through shared interests, but very often, people click together precisely because they are so different! And if you only ever interact with people like yourself, how are you ever gonna expand your horizons? Variety is vital for growth!"
Fluttershy: "...I kinda want to attend wherever your old school was."
Twilight: "All right. Fluttershy said the student in charge of the Fall Formal was here, so…"
Twilight: "...Wait. This style of decoration... This arrangement of streamer colors and balloon shapes… This scent of sugary sweat…"
Twilight: "...Pinkie Pie?"
Pinkie Pie (sorta): "GASP! Are you psychic?!"
Twilight: "Please, for the love of Bayes, tell me there's no such thing as psychic powers on this world. The Pinkie Sense was enough."
Pinkie Pie: "Oooh, you know about my Pinkie Sense? It's uncanny! Every now and then, I get these weird twitches a few seconds after things happen to me!"
Twilight: "A few seconds after - NEVER MIND I'M PRIORITIZING. Fluttershy told me you were in charge of the party planning committee?"
Pinkie Pie: "Ah. So you've met Flutterbitch."
Twilight: "...I cannot properly express my anguish over your reaction without violating some school rules about decorum."
Pinkie Pie: "Anyway, you... Heeeeey. I've never seen you at school, but… do you have a twin sister on the other side of the city with a dog named Spike who looks just like that?"
Twilight: "Mmmmmmmaybe?"
Twilight: "That other dog... I don't suppose it was sapient? Because this is opening up all sorts of disturbing questions."
Pinkie Pie: "Well, if you wanna compete for Fall Formal princess, you need to sign here. If you want to attend the Cthulhu memorial meet-up, sign on the other side."
Twilight: "...I'm not making it out of this conversation with a lot of intact brain cells, am I?"
Pinkie Pie: "Nope!"
Twilight: *signs*
Pinkie Pie: "...Wow. I think this sort of handwriting is considered an act of war in some countries."
Applejack (sorta): "Yo! Anyone needs a dozen crates o'apple cider?"
Pinkie Pie: "Are chocolate-dipped honey-glazed sugar balls awesome?"
Applejack: "...Ah'll take that as a yes, an' order insulin just in case."
Applejack: *sees Twilight* "Hey! Ah know ya!"
Twilight: "I was nowhere near the experimental duplicator spell and you can't prove anything… Er, I mean, do you?"
Applejack: "Sure! Ye're tha kamikaze that stood up ta Sunset Shimmer! Good on ya, gal!"
Pinkie Pie: "She's also running against Sunset for the princess title."
Applejack: "...Well, it's been nice knowing ya."
Twilight: "Seriously, is she that bad?"
Applejack: "She be almost as bad as Rainbow Dash!"
Twilight: "Wait, wait, back up. You hate Rainbow Dash's guts? Er, whoever this Rainbow Dash is, she isn't the captain of something called the Shadowbolts, is she?"
Pinkie Pie: "Well, she's the captain of the football team, the sport-that-isn't-football-but-is-called-football-somewhere-else team, the basketball team, the basketcase team (no wait that's me), the horse-style kung-fu team, the calvinball team, the triathlon team, the biathlon team, the monoathlon team, the quidditch team and the play-tennis-using-lit-dynamite-while-riding-bears team, but I don't think she's with anything called Shadowbolts, no."
Twilight: "I see. Well... Thank you for your concern, Applejack, but I feel this princess thing is something I really gotta do."
Applejack: "How didja know mah name was Applejack?"
Twilight: "Student yearbook! Espionnage! Mind-reading magic! I'm secretly a unicorn from the future! Somehow! G2gkthxbai!"
Pinkie Pie: "Totally a psychic!"
Applejack: "...Sure thang, miss postcognition."
SUDDENLY ASSHOLES!
Sunset Shimmer: "Your party-planning is bad and you should feel bad! Your decorations don't match the tastes I have developed today, and your cider is a disgrace to all things apple-related! And what makes you truly pathetic is that my constant browbeating of you is all it takes to keep you in line like esteem-damaged sheep!"
Snips (sorta): "Yeah! Pawns!"
Snails (sorta): "You guys are total tools!"
Sunset Shimmer: "Now get hopping and fix everything so that it fits my tastes of today, so that by the time you're done I can criticize you for failing to match my tastes of tomorrow! This coronation isn't gonna run itself!"
Applejack: "Ye're makin' an awful lot o'assumptions as to whose coronation it's gonna be, little Miss Sunset."
Sunset Shimmer: "I'm sorry, can you speak more clearly? All I heard over your thick hick accent was, 'hehe, I'm a dumb inbred hillibilly with an apple instead of a brain, hehe, gonna come to the dance with my brother as my hot date'. So stop talking, and hey, who knows? Maybe the rest of the student body will finally stop talking about you."
Applejack: *atomic hate!*
Pinkie Pie: "Actually, what Applejack means is that you're not running unopposed this time!" *hands her candidate list*
Sunset Shimmer: "WHAT?!"
Sunset Shimmer: "Sparkle."
Twilight: "Do you feel it, Spike? The oppressive feeling in the air? The soundtrack growing sinister? The electric lights flickering menacingly? I fear that we are in the presence of Evil. Or at least of douchebaggery."
Sunset: "Twilight Sparkle. Celestia's latest teacher's pet. Can't believe I didn't recognize you. I should have known the self-righteous marshmallow bitch would send a minion."
Twilight: "BLASPHE-"
Spike: *dope-slap!*
Twilight: "Ahem. Sunset Shimmer, you are acting in violation of more laws than I can be bothered to count, and I'm a math geek. Return the superweapon's firing mechanism, and maybe no charges will be pressed."
Sunset: "Ha! Don't try to threaten me, Sparkle. I have the homefield advantage. You're a complete newbie to this world, and I'm already its iron-fisted tyrant! Heck, you've probably never even heard of fists until today!"
Twilight: "...OK, stop. We're adults here. I'm a PhD graduate. You are at least my age. I know the translation from pony to human bodies made us both teenagers, but we still have the minds and experiences of adults. Do you really expect me to be impressed that an adult mare was able to cow a bunch of school students into submission? That's not impressive, Sunset. That's... sad."
Sunset: "To-ma-to, toh-mah-toh. My control over this school's population will give me access to the Elemental Harmony Crown. Now, little miss bookworm… what happens when an Element of Harmony is brought to a universe not its own?"
Twilight: "Er... Well, we're talking about a conduit for harmony, but… Hypothetically, it would be the harmony of another world, placed where it doesn't belong; this would generate an imbalance. In fact, we'd have a sort of reality dissonance. Assuming its effect decreased quadratically with distance, I'm guessing this would create an effect centered on the-"
Sunset: "You're guessing?! You don't even know?! Ha! I should have realized Celestia wouldn't be able to find another student as brilliant as me!"
Two months earlier:
Sunset: "ARRRRGH! Years of working on these equations, and I still can't make this stupid thing fit! I swear, this is pissing me off so much I'm gonna throw someone in a tiger pit!"
Math club geek: *looks over Sunset's shoulders*
Matc club geek: "Quadratic, not linear."
Sunset: "Transspecie what."
Math club geek: "It looks like you're trying to calculate a field effect. The effect should decrease quadratically with distance, not linearly. No wonder your equations don't balance."
Sunset: "..."
Sunset: "What's your name?"
Math club geek: "Tommy Chesnut, why?"
Sunset: "Tommy, I believe you are about to make a new friend. One with orange stripes."
Now:
Sunset: "Face it, Twilight. In Equestria, you had the big white cheese looking out for you. She even mutated you into an alicorn! But here? Here, you're no-one. You can't even fit in; what makes you think you can win an election?"
Sunset: "See you in Hell, Twilight. The one I'll be unleashing soon enough."
Sunset: *walks off*
Sunset: *...and runs into the mummified Snips and Snails*
Sunset: "What the... Never mind, I don't want to know. You two get to work. I want a hatchet job done on Purpelina - one even nastier than what you did to the Belle bitch."
Twilight: "I don't know about you, Spike, but confronting supervillains makes me hungry."
Spike: "Twilight, I'm a dragon. Confronting air makes me hungry."
Twilight: "And what should appear, but a publicly-available glass-door pantry!"
Twilight: "With no handles."
Twilight: "No, seriously. How are we supposed to open this thing? Do humans have some kind of phasing power that lets them reach through glass?"
Twilight: *has not been having the best of days*
Twilight: "OK, buck this shit."
Twilight: *prepares to buck this shit*
Trixie (sorta): "If you are done marking your territory…"
Trixie: "...The Great and Powerful Trixie, Mistress of Illusions, President and by far Most Skilled Member of the Prestidigitation Club, who shall not deny any rumors she may have planted of secretly being a Gypsy princess, wants her nom-noms!" *uses vending machine. Doesn't buck it. Doesn't even shake the damn thing.*
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Wait, prestidigitation club? I wasn't informed of this demographic. How many members do you have, and how do they feel about Sunset Shimmer?"
Trixie: "...If you never ask either of these questions ever again, you can be vice-president."
Twilight: "Ah. Never mind, then."
Trixie: *departs with nom-noms*
Twilight: "OK. OK. I almost kicked glass because I didn't understand the mechanics of what is presumably a mundane device. Sunset may have a point about me not really fitting in... yet."
Spike: "So what next, Pony of Plans?"
Twilight: "Research!"
Spike: "That's your answer for everything!"
Twilight: "That's because it keeps working!"
Spike: "What about the time you tried to research TVTropes and they had to send a rescue party to find you?"
Twilight: "Have you seen their MLP page?!"
Twilight: "Anyway, this is a school, right? And I don't mean a teeny-weeny small town Ponyville school. It's more like the massive learning establishments of Canterlot. So I wouldn't be in the least surprised if there was a…"
Library: *is*
Twilight: "HOPE IS COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS!"
Twilight: *research mode on*
Snips&Snails: *weasels of action!*
Twilight: "Knowledge is at my fingertips! Now I just need to figure out how to use fingers!"
Twilight: "Also, I need to figure out what the heck this device is. Let's see… Multiple small keys, each with a typographic symbol on it… Some kind of luminous surface where shapes and figures are displayed… Perhaps some sort of data computing device?"
Cheerilee: *weeps in silence for this generation of luddites*
Cheerilee: "Yes. A computer. You use it like this. It'll give you almost any information you need. Just don't go to TVTropes, or you'll end up missing classes for a week."
Twilight: "Wow. This device is... It's… My goodness! I'm starting to think that any sufficiently advanced technology is comparable to magic!"
SUDDENLY MUSIC!
Twilight: "Uh... Is that a research montage starting?"
Cheerilee: *sighs* "No, it's just stoopids being stoopids."
Applebloom (sorta), Sweetie Belle (sorta) and Scootaloo (sorta): *use computer for research purpose (sorta)*
Cheerilee: "Girls! What part of 'no YouTube in the school library' was unclear?!"
Applebloom: "But we're the Committee for Meaningful Careers! We're trying to figure out our special talents!"
Sweetie Belle: "So we put together this awesome music video!"
Scootaloo: "And we're checking to see how many viewers liked it!"
Cheerilee: "At full volume? Here? There isn't enough 'no' in the world." *confiscates speakers*
Applebloom: "Ah well. Let's at least see if we learned something from this…"
Twilight: "Oh no…"
Sweetie Belle: "Our big mistake was trying to force ourselves into molds that didn't fit us…"
Twilight: "No no no no no no no…"
Scootaloo: "We tried to do things we weren't fit for, while ignoring our actual, very real talents..."
Twilight: "Ngggggggggggggggg…"
CMC: "Clearly, our real talent is comedy!" *run off*
Twilight: *bitter tears of impotent rage*
Twilight: "STOOPID! YOU'RE SO STOOPID!"
Spike: "You'll get them next time, Twilight. Next time."
Twilight: "OK. OK. I'm sure this is going to cause all sorts of terror and destruction in this universe, but I'm kind of on a schedule here and they'll need to manage their CMC themselves. So, back to research!"
Twilight: *epic research time!*
Twilight: *...with a little spicing of epic fail!*
Snips: *takes pics* "Just look at her! It's like she's got four feet! It's like shooting fish in a barrel!"
Snails: "Heh heh, you said 'barrel'."
Twilight: "Well, that was a productive evening."
Twilight: "...Of course, that leaves open the question of where we're sleeping tonight."
Spike: "Seriously, what would you do without me?"
Spike: "Behold! I have assembled for you a makeshift biblio-bed!"
Twilight: "Wait. I get to sleep in… books?"
Twilight: "MY FOALHOOD FANTASIES KEEP COMING TRUE!"
Meanwhile, somewhere else:
Donald: "Uncle Scrooge? Are you OK?"
Scrooge: "I'm fine... but, for a moment there, I felt like someone, somewhere, understood me."
Spike: "Well, sleeping in a library is reminding me of Ponyville, at least. So, was your research productive?"
Twilight: "I'll say! These humans can accomplish miracles! They treat instantaneous inter-continental verbal communication as mundane! They have flying vessels that can reach the antipodes within a single day! They've driven at least one major pandemic virus to extinction! They used rockets to go to the MOON!"
Spike: "...OK, that last one raises all sorts of questions not really relevant to our mission. But did you learn anything useful? Like, short-termish?"
Twilight: "Lots of bits and pieces. Reading their History, I'm guessing there's a cosmic link between this world and ours (...and possibly the one on the other side of Bifrost; I wouldn't know). So, people who were born in Equestria were born here. Most of the events that happen in Equestria happen here. Just, not always at the same time, and only in roughly the same order. So, it's similar, but not identical."
Spike: "No shit, Sherlock."
Twilight: "Also, check out the yearbook. Their Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Fluttershy, and what looks like their Rarity-"
Spike: "Wait. Rarity in... new forms?"
Spike: "I... I feel funny. Even more so than usual when talking about Rarity."
Twilight: "Aaaaand that was promptly ignored. Anyway, what I'm saying is - it looks like they were all friends in what they call 'freshman year', about three years ago."
Spike: "...They were? Back home, some of them were friends before you came to Ponyville, but it was the whole Night Mare Moon thing that solidified you girls as a group."
Twilight: "Well, Luna is vice-principal here, and I'm not sure if she and Celestia are immortal or not… and go figure what's going on with this world's version of me… I dunno, maybe something solidified the five of them back then? Maybe they became friends because their pony versions did, and mine didn't because fate was confused by Sunset Shimmer's presence? But, well, they look like they mostly hate each other now."
Spike: "...Because you weren't there to center the group?"
Twilight: "Applejack could have handled that herself. I don't think that's it. I'm guessing something nasty happened, and I wouldn't be surprised if Sunset was behind it."
Spike: "And the motive of the crime, inspector?"
Twilight: "Well, if she's found a way to scry on Equestria - which she probably did, since she knew where to find the crown - she may have known about the Elemental Harmony Squad, and wanted to nip potential opposition in the bud."
Twilight: "Or, more mundane explanation: Divide and conquer. The clique system makes it easier for her to manipulate all the teenagers, so she started by breaking up the main group of inter-clique friends."
Spike: "Well, Twilight, that's interesting and all, but it sounds like sidequest material. Get the crown first, do the sidequests later?"
Twilight: "Well, you never know. Sometimes the sidequests and the main quest tie in together. Still, point taken."
The next day:
Twilight: "All right! I've got this! I can do it! I can win! I've crammed enough knowledge about this world to pass for a local; now, it's time to win hearts and minds!"
Spike: *checks Twilight's notes* "Nice list of speeches. I'd drop the 'I have a dream' one, though. It'll never catch on."
Twilight: "Noted. Now, come on! It's a brand new day, and the sun is high, all the birds are singing…"
Spike: "...that your political career's gonna die?"
Students: *snicker at Twilight*
Twilight: "Spike, they are laughing at me. Why? Why are they laughing? Is my fly open or something?"
Spike: "Why would you have flies, and what do you mean even by them being open?"
Twilight: "Not sure, it's something that came up in my research."
SUDDENLY RARITY! (SORTA!)
Rarity: *pulls Twilight aside*
Rarity: *fastest fashionista in the field!*
Rarity: *camouflages Twilight*
Rarity: "Voilà! The perfect disguise! I'll make you unrecognizable - and your adorable little dog, too!"
Spike: *All dogs go to Heaven. At least, this one just did.*
Twilight: "Da buck did I just-"
Applejack: "Twilight! There ya are!"
Rarity: "Oh come on! At least pretend the disguise delayed recognition!"
Fluttershy: "Twilight! I was…"
Pinkie Pie: "...looking for you all over the place! Ooh, and I dig the cosplay!"
Pinkie Pie: "Er, what's it a cosplay of?"
Rarity: "She's cosplaying as someone who actually appreciates my help. It must seem very exotic to you."
Pinkie Pie: "WHY... SO... SERIOUS?!"
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Er, what's this all ab-"
Applejack and Fluttershy: "Ixnay! Ixnay!"
Twilight: "...Fine." *removes disguise* "So, anyone care to fill me in on what the heck is going on today?"
Pinkie Pie: "Well... There was this teenie-weenie itsy-bitsy little thingie. Not a big deal." *shows YouTube video*
YouTube Video: "Watch our shockingly-edited footage, which clearly proves how Twilight Worse-Than-Hitler Sparkle, the ambitious megalomaniac trying to become your princess, was secretly born in a Kenyan school, is planning to replace the school lockers with death panels, and probably practices whichever religion you most disapprove of!"
Pinkie Pie: "...OK, kind of a big deal."
Twilight: "Holy manure... It's… it's like she took the cybernetic social interaction system, and subverted it for bullying use! Like… cyber-bullying! How am I gonna get those votes with this kind of first impression?!"
Fluttershy: "For what it's worth, you still have mine. The way you stood up for me? Kindness and courage? I dig."
Pinkie Pie: "Maybe I can help! I'm good with getting people excited about stuff! Like that time I got everyone excited over pastry! And then they rampaged all over the pastry contest before the judge even got there!"
Fluttershy: "Yyyyyeah, I suggest turning down any help from Pinkie. She can't take stuff seriously to save her life."
Pinkie Pie: "Fluttershy, Y U so bitchy?!"
Rarity: "Pot, meet kettle. Kettle, pot."
Rarity: "Anyway, the two disgraces aside, I'll be happy to offer my help. To someone who won't take it for granted. Someone who doesn't snort lines of confetti. Someone who cannot be cosplayed as by using wigs made of cotton candy. Not that I'm naming names."
Twilight: "It feels... feel like…"
Pinkie Pie: "Stuck-up primma donna!"
Fluttershy: "Infantile adrenaline junkie!"
Rarity: "Passive-aggressive psycho bitch!"
Spike: "Arooooo!"
Twilight: "Like... Like I'm…"
Applejack: "Are ya ol' ladies done bickerin'? There's this thang called movin' on. Y'all oughta look into it."
Rarity: "Suuuure, Applejack. Apropos of nothing, how are you and Rainbow Dash getting along lately?"
Applejack: "Ah was holdin' a bake sale ta pay fer Granny's hip surgery! She said she'd bring her softball team ta help out! Ah told mah whole family about it, and then she didn't show up, an' totally ruined mah truthiness track record - an' now, with that bad hip, Granny had ta leave tha farmwork an' get a job as a lunch lady! Totally different thang!"
Rarity: "Pot, meet kettle, meet frying pan."
Twilight: "It... It feels like I'm…"
Twilight: "...I'M SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS!"
Twilight: "But, I've been an idiot myself at times. I know what it's like. So, let's stop, let grudges drop, and take it from the top."
Twilight: "Check the yearbook. You girls were friends then, were you not?"
Fluttershy: "Yeah…"
Rarity: "The golden days."
Applejack: "Good times."
Pinkie Pie: "Fun times!"
Twilight: "Right, right."
Twilight: "Well, while I wouldn't call myself an expert on friendship - oh, who am I kidding, that's exactly what I am - it seems clear to me that two good friends, who are fundamentally good and decent people, don't just turn into bitter enemies who refuse to talk to each other unless a fairly major event is involved."
Twilight: "Now, with two friends, that's unlikely, but it happens. Unhappy accidents are part of life."
Twilight: "Buuuut. Two friends? That's an accident. Three friends? That's a coincidence. Four friends? That's enemy action. Five friends? That's Sunset Shimmer."
Rarity: "Twilight, I'd hate to rain on your parade, but I fear the realities of the heart defy such clean analysis. Sunset Shimmer had nothing to do with the breaking of our fellowship."
Fluttershy: "Yeah. The reason I have a dart board with Pinkie Pie's face on it -"
Twilight: "You what?"
Fluttershy: "Well, it's one of those soft velcro dart boards."
Twilight: "Ah."
Fluttershy: "Anyway, the reason is because I asked for her help putting together a fundraiser for the animal shelter, and she showed up with fireworks and noisemakers that traumatized the animals and made the funders stampede for the exit!"
Pinkie Pie: "What?! You asked for a big party! Here, I still have the text you sent me!"
Fluttershy: "Bwa? I never sent that!"
Rarity: "Ah... You know... every time Pinkie was decorating for some major school event, I'd offer to help out, then I'd get an e-mail from her saying not to bother, since she already had plenty of volunteers with better stylistic senses than me. Then, after I was done crying in my couch and drowning my self-loathing in ice-cream, I'd find out she'd done the whole thing herself. Then I'd go back to the couch."
Pinkie Pie: "I don't do e-mails! I send sing-o-grams!"
Twilight: "Wait... This is textual communication, but since it's all typed, there's no horn - er, no handwriting. So shouldn't that be extremely easy to fake?"
Rarity: "Well, there's a password system, the message is clearly addressed to the username, and you can't have a username that's already taken, so it's not that easy."
Twilight: *looks over cell phone* "I see. So, how exactly do you pronounce a name like 'Pinkie Pie_'? What sort of sound does an underscore make, anyway?"
Rarity: "AUGHHHHH!"
Applejack: "...Mmmmmmaybe I should have asked Rainbow Dash why she didn't show up at my bake sale."
Twilight: "See 'surrounded by idiots' above. So... Better late than never?"
Late rather than never:
Applejack: *talks it out with Rainbow Dash (sorta)*
Applejack & Rainbow Dash: *and many hugs were had!*
Rainbow Dash: "So. I hear you want to overthrow the Bitch Empress. Now, I can't deny it - I'd love to see that human-shaped pile of radioactive crap kicked off her throne."
Twilight: "YES! YES! A FULLY OPERATIONAL SUPPORT NETWORK! THANK YOU, SIDEQUEST!"
Rainbow Dash: "And so, I'll help you... if you beat me at this game."
Twilight: "Fucking sidequest."
Twilight versus Rainbow Dash!
Rarity: "What is Dash even thinking? This is going to be a curbstomp!"
Pinkie Pie: "Naaaah. I'm sure Dash just wants to have some fun with Twilight, and will go easy on her so that she-"
*OBLITERATION!*
*ANNIHILATION!*
*CURBSTOMP!*
Pinkie Pie: "...buuuuut I'm not always right."
Twilight: "Momjesty, please make the world stop spinning…"
Rainbow Dash: "Welp, that was fun. So, what's the strategy for taking Sunset down?"
Twilight: "Er, I lost."
Rainbow Dash: "Uh, hello? You were up against me. Having a score that didn't veer into the negative counts as a victory!"
Twilight: "Er, technically zero is a negative number FORGET I SAID THAT. Wait, so this whole thing… was a secret test of character?"
Rainbow Dash: "Yeah! I wasn't going to help princessify someone who had a good heart, but was a total wimp! No offence, Fluttershy."
Fluttershy: "None taken."
Twilight: "Secret tests? That's like something that…"
Rainbow Dash: "That principal Celestia would do? Yeah, sometimes we get surprise-graded on using class knowledge out of class. Seriously, that woman is kickass. I freaking worship her."
Twilight: "Some things never change."
Meanwhile, in the bushes:
Snips&Snails: "Ta-da! Look at this Evil Kodak moment!"
Sunset: *examines pictures*
Sunset: "I think I just had an evilgasm."
At the cafeteria:
Twilight: *bumps into blue-haired rocker boy*
Twilight: *and spills her milk-shake on his shirt*
Twilight: "Ack! Sosososorry! Please don't make electoral decisions based on this small event sample! An antispillocracy is a sucky form of government anyway!"
Rocker boy: *is the guy from the other day* "We've got to stop bumping into each other like this."
Twilight: "Ha ha! Yes! Identifying the problem! Learning lessons from mistakes! That's what it's all about! If we learn the right lessons, we won't have to worry about bumping into each other anymore! Um, not that you're a particularly unpleasant person to bump into. Er, not that I bumped into you on purpose or anything like that EVERYTHING'S FINE SEE YOU."
Rocker boy's inner thoughts: "Oh my deity of choice, she's adorkable. And for some reason, she reminds me a lot of my last girlfriend, minus all the bits I hated about my last girlfriend."
Twilight's inner thoughts: "Thank her Momjesty he was so nice about this! Actually, he was pretty darn nice. Heck, that little scene could easily have come out of one of the more romantic slashfics - er, not that I'm shipping equines with anthropoids!"
Twilight's inner thoughts: "Though then again, in my favorite slashfic, 'General Relativity/Quantum Mechanics', I always thought it was hot the way Quantum Mechanics' form was always uncertain, and it could look like anything, even a…"
Twilight: "OK, maybe that is kinda hot. So, if I was General Relativity, and he was Quantum Mechanics, and we were in that entanglement scene…" *blush*
Rarity: "Quit it."
Twilight: "Not-secretly-a-pony what?"
Rarity: "You're blushing like a science clique member whenever they mention 'quantum entanglement', and glancing at the blue-haired rocker boy named Flash Sentry. Don't. You're already on Sunset's hit list; being the rebound girl for her ex will not make things better."
Twilight: "I wasn't shipping it! I'm too old for him anyway! I'm not even sure I'm into males! I'm not even sure I'm into females! I'm not even sure I'm into humans! I'm not even sure I'm into sex! I'm not even sure I'm into romance! I'm not even sure P is equal to NP!"
Twilight: "...Wait. Ex? As in, Sunset's?"
Fluttershy: "Flash broke up with her a few weeks ago. He even wrote a break-up song…"
A few weeks earlier:
Flash Sentry: "Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don't like my girlfriend!
No way! No way!
'Cause you are such a psycho!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I'm dumping your ass 'girlfriend'!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I hate your sociopathy!"
Other guy from the band: "Er, dude, if you're going to all this trouble to write a break-up song, should you be singing it to the person you're breaking up with?"
Flash Sentry: "Hell no! I've only got one set of genitals, and I'd rather keep it!"
Now:
Fluttershy: "...He even wrote a break-up song. I'm amazed she hasn't castrated him yet."
Twilight: "She... might be saving her vengeance for later, when she has the power to get really nasty. Er, not that I'm implying knowledge of some sort of deeper evil plot of hers that I might be attempting to foil or something."
Rainbow Dash: "Of course not. That'd be silly."
Applejack: "If we can put tha shippin' drama on hold fer a moment. We gotta talk strategy. Ladies… How do we kill
Rarity: "Well… They say that when all you have is a hammer, everything starts looking like a nail, so stop me if what I'm saying sounds unreasonable, but… How about these cute accessories?"
Twilight: "These are pony ear headbands and synthetic ponytails."
Twilight: "...Why? Why would you even have something like that?"
Rarity: "Well, it's Canterlot High. Back in freshman year, these were symbols of school spirit."
Twilight: "...Hybrid universal mechanics will probably give me headaches for a while yet."
Rarity: "Beg your pardon?"
Twilight: "Forget what I said. Proceed."
Rarity: "Well, Sunset has been dividing the population into cliques, making everyone easier to control. She broke us apart. But look at you! You're clearly a geek, but instead of staying in the geek clique, you proceeded to make friends with a hippie, a country girl, a party girl, a jock and a fashionista, and got them all to talk to each other."
Rarity: "That's your strength. That's what you bring to this school: The message that completely different people can, and maybe should, be friends with each other, instead of living in a bubble of conformity. So, we put on these accessories, and turn them into symbols of your message!"
Applejack: "OK, that's a start. But still, how do we exorcise tha first impression made by Sunset's cyber-bullyin'?"
Twilight, Pony of Plans: "By making a new impression, so strong that it completely overwrites the first one! Let's see… We've got several high-profile students, some skills that can make a good show… and I've read up on this concept called 'flash mob'…"
And so, at the cafeteria:
Situation: *normal*
Social climate: *all fucked up*
Suddenly: *flash mob*
[To the tune of "We Will Rock You":]
"Buddy you're a sheep hang with your clique
Bein' all the same gonna be a big change today!
There's egg on Sunset's face
That big disgrace
Sowing discord all over the place!
Vote for Twilight Sparkle!
Vote for Twilight Sparkle!
Buddy though we're different we're friends
Shoutin' it out loud gonna take down the cliques today
We're like all in their face
Like cans of mace
Waving our friendship all over the place!
Vote for Twilight Sparkle!
Vote for Twilight Sparkle!
Buddy we're all different yet not
Makin' friends with all gonna change your high school today
We've got smiles on our face
Got joy got grace
We're putting the clique system back into its place!
Vote for Twilight Sparkle!
Vote for Twilight Sparkle!"
Vinyl Scratch (sorta): "Hey, cool! I'd forgotten there were colors other than purple!"
Geek student: "This is so going on YouTube."
Dark Heart: "Why am I even in this movie? Where did the Care Bears go?"
Flash Sentry: "Inspiration... striking! Musical accompaniment, coming up!"
Diamond Tiara & Silver Spoon (sorta): "Yay! A scenario that doesn't shoehorn us into antagonistic roles!"
Snips&Snails: "Catchy tune!"
Sunset: "Zip it, you two." *shoehorns them into antagonistic roles*
Twilight: "Well, I haven't had the opportunity to run a formal poll, but judging from how popular Rarity's pony uniforms have gotten, I think we've got this election in the bag."
Applejack: "Just one problem with that, Twi."
Twilight: "What problem?"
Applejack: "Sunset's smilin'."
Twilight: "That's a problem."
Sunset: "Vice-principal Luna, I have terrible news! All of Pinkie Pie's hard work in setting up the fall formal, ruined! Vandalized! I have no idea why Twilight would do such a thing!"
Luna: "And you suspect Twilight because…?"
Sunset: "See right here! Photos of her committing the crime!"
Luna: "So, what? You took the time to photograph her in the middle of it, multiple times, but you didn't try to stop her?"
Sunset: "Do I look like a superhero to you?!"
Flash Sentry, in spy mode: "My Sunset bullshit sense is tingling. Of course, that only means I have ears."
Celestia, on the phone: "Yes, general, Doctor Sombra's bunker is located on Crystal Skull Island… but if you assault it while he's still in control of the killsat, he'll use it to level the capital."
Celestia: "There is a solution, though. When they made the killsat, they programmed in a failsafe, precisely for this type of situation. If the satellite detects a massive energy signature within one of our cities - for instance, if it was subverted and used against us - it immediately reboots. Such a reboot would return control of the killsat to you."
Celestia: "The downside, of course, is that generating such an energy signature in a city would normally require a nuke, and would wipe the city off the map. However… I'm working on a safe way to achieve that. If it works, the killsat is ours again. Just stall for time, please."
Luna: "Sister, if I may…?"
Celestia: "By all means, I was done. What is the matter?"
Luna: "Two things: First, Mister Booksmarts said he was going to have to extend his leave of absence slightly."
Celestia: "I guess Miss Zecora will have to keep teaching his philosophy class for a little while longer."
Luna: "How does she manage to juggle that along with chemistry and biology classes?"
Celestia: "She's got a couple tricks. What's the other thing?"
Luna: "It's the Shimmer girl. She's almost certainly vandalized the ballroom, then made an obvious attempt to frame the Sparkle girl. Think it's time to bring the hammer down on her?"
Celestia: "No, not yet. Go along with it. Indict Sparkle."
Luna: "Whyyyyyyy…?"
Celestia: "If she's the heroine we suspect she is, then there's 90% odds that either she'll clear her name, or she's made enough allies that they'll be able to do it for her. It'll reinforce the bond between them. And if not, we can always swoop in and clear her ourselves at the last moment thanks to an 'anonymous tip'."
Luna: "Fine. I'll play bad cop for now. But what's your plan for Doctor Sombra?"
Celestia: "Plan A, B, or C?"
Twilight: "But this is completely preposterous! Why in Dream Valley would I vandalize the ballroom?! I'm the one who stands to lose the most from it!"
Luna: "I'm sorry, Twilight, but these pictures clearly show you in the process of wrecking the place. Surely you understand that I cannot allow you to run for princess under such conditions."
Flash Sentry: "Objection, your vice-principality! These pictures I have found in the trash clearly had Twilight's image cut out of them, then added to the ballroom ones!"
Twilight: "...Also, in the fake pictures, I don't cast a shadow."
Flash Sentry: "Nah, that's just because of the limited image quality."
Luna: "(Whew.) Very well then. Consider your punishment rescinded. Though we'll need to delay the Fall Formal for repairs." *leaves*
Twilight: "Wow. Thanks, Flash. Really showed up in the nick of time there."
Flash: "Well, what was I supposed to do, ignore it? Fuck the Bystander Effect. (And actually I'd have showed up sooner, but after searching the trash, I needed a shower bad.)"
Twilight: "D'awww. But, one thing I don't get...Why did Sunset even need to cut my pictures out of these things? From what I've read, it would have been simpler to use things like 'Photoshop', or…"
Flash: "Oh, that. Sunset uses technology when it's necessary, but when there's a luddite solution, she'll take it. That girl hates technology. She keeps ranting about how it gives quasi-magical power to an undeserving, uneducated populace. And I'm quoting here."
Twilight: "Ah."
Flash: "And even when she does use tech, she usually has Snips and Snails handle it for her. I'll bet you they were the ones who took the pictures."
Twilight: "That's another thing. I'm kinda bemused, seeing them in such a malevolent role. I used to, ah, know kids like these two, and they were village idiots, not villainous minions."
Flash: "Yeah, Sunset's trained them into her sycophantic attack dogs. It's like they have a special talent for cutting short people's hopes and dreams, and leaving a trail of slime all over them."
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Well, that will raise all sorts of uncomfortable questions later on!"
Flash: "If I may ask a different uncomfortable question: If you're not planning to go to the Fall Formal with someone specific, is there any chance you could go with me?"
Twilight: *blush* "Why, that would be…" *sudden realization concerning timetable* "AUGHHHH! Nonononononononono!" *runs away*
Flash: "One 'no' would have been fine…" [/actual dialog]
Twilight: "Spike, this is disastrous! We're already working on a really tight schedule here! If the Fall Formal gets delayed, then by the time I get the Elemental Harmony Crown, the inter-dimensional passage will close, and we'll need to wait until the stars are right again to get back home! We're talking years here!"
Spike: "OK, that's bad all right, but let's keep it in perspective…"
Twilight: "Spike, you're in a dog's body, with the aging rate that this implies. If you stay here until the stars are right, then by the time you return to draconic form in Equestria, you'll have shaved centuries off your lifespan."
Spike: "...OK, so maybe it is disastrous. Pony of Plans? I'd like to suggest a new course of action: Just tell the Elemental Harmony Squad (sorta) the truth."
Twilight: "I don't know, Spike. So far, I've managed to become friends with these girls, but they think I'm one of them. What sort of human girl would want to hang out with a unicorn?"
Spike: "Ask Dana Simpson. But I wouldn't worry, Twilight. These girls are your friends because of your personality. I'm sure your being an alien quadruped with reality-warping superpowers won't change that."
Twilight: "Sometimes I wonder what I'd do without you, Spike."
Twilight: "Girls, I...have something I have to tell you."
Applejack: "Are ya... one of 'em heterosexuals?"
Rarity: "Not that there's anything wrong with that!"
Twilight: "Not touching that one. No, you see… the Douche Squad has wrecked all of Pinkie Pie's decorations."
Pinkie Pie: "WHAT?!"
Twilight: "As a result, the Fall Formal has been postponed."
Pinkie Pie: "WHAT?!"
Twilight: "However, it is absolutely vital that we maintain the original schedule."
Pinkie Pie: "W-"
Applejack: "Kindly shut yer pie hole."
Twilight: "You see... while dethroning Sunset Shimmer and freeing the school from her noxious influence is a worthy cause, the main reason I've been running for princess is because-"
Pinkie Pie: "Because you're actually from a parallel world where you're actually a unicorn with a PhD, and the crown of the Fall Formal princess is actually part of a magical superweapon that you need to nuke all the enemies of your homeland, and if you don't get it back quickly you won't be able to get back home until the stars are right!"
Twilight: "What the bucking buckity buckity buckity BUCK?!"
Spike: *slain brain*
Rainbow Dash: "Yyyeah, I'm gonna guess no."
Spike: "Actually, she got it in one."
Rarity: "TWILIGHT IS A SKILLED VENTRILOQUIST?!"
Spike: "Nope! I'm actually not a dog. Back home, Twilight may be some lame, boring unicorn… but me? Dddragon!"
Fluttershy: *Joygasm!*
Fluttershy: "Tell me what you're thinking right now!"
Spike: "I'm thinking that Rarity is simply beautiful, and that I would be delighted to be scratched behind the ears."
Rarity: "Oooga booga."
Spike: "I also think that she's apparently gone bye-bye, so, guess I'll ask later?"
Twilight: "Pinkie... How in the name of naming conventions did you know all that?!"
Pinkie Pie: "Sometimes I get all these fun hunches and hallucinations about a world full of talking ponies. It's OK, the doctors said I'm functional!"
Applejack: "Hooooooooold it. Lemme get this straight. Ye're a unicorn?"
Rarity: "You're a PhD graduate?"
Fluttershy: "You're from a parallel world?"
Twilight: "That's... the cliff notes."
Rainbow Dash: "That's... AWESOME! We're awesome! We're hanging out with a unicorn, a college girl, and an alien, all rolled into one!"
And a successful First-ish Contact was had!
At the ballroom:
Rarity: "My goodness. They really didn't go halfway with the chaos and destruction, did they?"
Pinkie Pie: "Note to self: Invent party cannon to automate this sorta stuff."
Twilight: "OK. OK. I know this looks bad, but, for reasons relating to my other world, I think we can pull this off as long as we manage some good teamwork. Let's get cracking, girls!"
Applejack: "Now ye're talkin' mah language!"
[To the tune of "Raise this Barn" (because sue me, that's why):]
Fix this mess, fix this mess
1, 2, 3, 4!
Together we can fix this mess
1, 2, 3, 4!
Clear debris, clean it all,
Staying united for our goal
Planning and teamwork win the day
Fixing our problem the Twilight way!
Fix this mess, fix this mess
1, 2, 3, 4!
Together we can fix this mess
1, 2, 3, 4!
Passersby will soon join up
We'll applaud that, we will clap
That's the spirit of our school
Different people are still cool!
Fix this mess, fix this mess
1, 2, 3, 4!
Together we can fix this mess
1, 2, 3, 4!
The jock helps the techno-geek
The geek helps the rocker clique
Fashionistas, hippies too
Finally all get a clue!
Finally we're getting through
It's a metaphor for school
It's a metaphor for life
Power of friendship breaks through strife!
Varied personalities
Forming helpful synergies
Different talents, different types
Power of friendship's more than hype!
Fix this mess, fix this mess
1, 2, 3, 4!
Together we can fix this mess
1, 2, 3, 4!
Our work here is almost done
Take a short break everyone
Grab a snack then grab a drink
We've pulled this thing from the brink!
Fixed this mess, we fixed this mess
Like a boss
Together we sure fixed this mess
Like a boss
Being together helped a bunch
And right now we all have a hunch
The school's new age will start right here
Our school spirit is based - ooon frieeenshiiip!
Celestia: "Well, students, consider me properly impressed. Thanks to practically everyone in the upper grades and several in the lower ones pitching in, it looks like the Fall Formal will be taking place as initially scheduled. Don't forget to vote, as bad habits are hard to lose later when you're an adult."
Student #1: "I'm voting for the girl who had the guts to oppose Sunset Shimmer!"
Student #2: "I'm voting for the one Sunset Shimmer hates! Best endorsement ever!"
Student #3: "I'm voting for the one who saved the Fall Formal!"
Student #4: "I'm voting for the one who showed me I could be friends with anyone!"
Student #5: "I'm voting for the one who didn't call me on my phone every day to remind me to stuff myself inside my locker!"
Flash Sentry: "I'm voting for the girl I keep bumping into!"
Twilight: "I cannot help but feel vaguely optimistic."
Sunset: "Snips? Snails? You two village idiots are lucky she was able to fix this! If the Fall Formal had been delayed, I'd have been stuck just as much as her!"
Fluttershy: "We got nearly everyone at school working together, we fixed the ballroom in two hours… My goodness, maybe friendship really is the greatest force in the world!"
Twilight: "I'd rate it a solid second, at least. Mind you, the strong nuclear force can give it a good run for its money."
Rarity: "Well girls (and, ah, dragons) - this is our big night, and I have every intention of making sure it goes perfectly!"
Twilight: "Our 'big night'? Rarity, I think it's unwise to plan one's life around getting happiness from specific one-time occurrences rather than a general day-to-day wellbeing, and…"
Rarity: "And as such, I'm gonna get you all the perfect bling!"
Twilight: "My point is that... nah, never mind. I'm outta lectures for the next hour."
Spike: "The things interdimensional travel does to you!"
[To the tune of AC/DC's "TNT":]
See me ride out of that limo
(...It's above my means)
We pooled our funds together
To crown the formal queen
Girlfriends to the left of me
Girlfriends to the right
No Momjesty, no sorcery
Don't you start no fight…
...'Cause I'm Twilight S.!
The P. of Plans!
Twilight S.!
And I'll have my fun!
Twilight S.!
I have brought my friends
Twilight S.!
Watch how it ends!
My friend 'Jack's the best, got that country charm
'Shy is the best too
Rainbow Dash is number 1
Get the clue?
So make way for Pinkie!
And for Rarity!
And make way for Spike here
The reality:
The Squad is back in town
So don't you mess around...
...'Cause I'm Twilight S.!
The P. of Plans!
Twilight S.!
And I'll have my fun!
Twilight S.!
I have brought my friends
Twilight S.!
Watch how it ends!
Rarity: "So? How's this ensemble?"
Twilight: "It... makes me feel like a unicorn."
Rarity: "I will be taking that as the highest of compliments."
Welcome to the Fall Formal!
Flash Sentry: "Hey, Twilight. I know you said you wouldn't go with me to the Formal - technically a lot of times - so I really hope I'm not coming across as a creepy stalker by asking one final time."
Twilight: "Oh. Um. Wellllll... I suspect I won't be staying very long in town, so I don't think we can really make a long-term relationship work… But I'd be delighted to have you as my date."
Flash Sentry's Inner Thoughts: "Yes! Yes! You have a date with the most awesome girl you've ever met (...that is within your age range. Stop fantasizing about the principal, by the way). Now, DON'T screw this. Treat your date like a God-Queen. Give her your full attention. Ignore everything that isn't your date. Only look at…"
Flash Sentry: *runs into door*
Twilight: "...You and I were made for each other."
Party time!
Scootaloo: "Wheee! Look at me doing the chicken dance!"
Sweetie Belle: "Isn't that... embarrassing?"
Scootaloo: "Huh? Why, what's wrong with chickens?"
Sweetie Belle: "Dunno, just had a thought. Keep going."
Applebloom: "Yeah! Sweetie, do tha robot dance!"
Silver Spoon & Diamond Tiara: "Bump bump sugar lump rump dance!"
Flash Sentry and the Gordons: *rock the house*
Twilight: "This is fun!"
Twilight: "...But I cannot help but notice a distinct absence of Sunset Shimmer."
Rainbow Dash: "She's probably at home, crying bitter tears of impotent rage."
Twilight: "That's... optimistic?"
Celestia, on the phone: "Yes, general. As soon as the satellite reboots, you need to take back control of it. Leave the rebooting to me."
Celestia, on the mic: "Students, I must congratulate you all on the fantastic work and school spirit you have displayed. For all the unfortunate events of earlier, you have managed to come together, and cooperate despite your differences. In this Fall Formal, I have seen more mingling between socially disparate groups than at any school party in the last five decades… but please, I will not be answering any more questions about my age."
Celestia: "And now, I believe it is time to announce the winner of the election. Your new princess is… Twilight Sparkle!"
Twilight: "Hm. A bit less teleportations, astral planes and life-o-ramas this time around. I can live with that."
Celestia: *hands Twilight the elemental Harmony Crown*
Twilight: "At last! The magical WMD is again in my grasp! ...A sinister laughter would be inappropriate, I suppose."
SUDDENLY ASSHOLES!
Spike: "Help! Help! I'm being dognapped! That's incredibly demeaning! I demand to be at least dragonnapped!"
Twilight: "Snips! Snails! You let go of the puppy dog's tail, or I will find a way to make mustaches grow inside your throats!"
Elemental Harmony Squad (sorta): *pursues dognappers to the school courtyard*
Trixie: "...What's up with those weirdos? And why didn't anyone come to today's magic show? It's like they were all busy somewhere else!"
In the courtyard:
Sunset Shimmer: *raises sledgehammer*
Sunset: "Not a step further, Twilight Sparkle!"
Twilight: "If you dare harm Spike, I will end you."
Sunset: "Oh please. Like I was ever going to hurt him. What do you think I am, some kind of monster?"
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Seriously? You break up friendships, bully everyone to keep them under control, divide people, steal superweapons from a country that's permanently besieged by Elder Evils, and blaspheme against her Momjesty!"
Sunset: "Oh, sure. I break up your friends, I bully you, I endanger your country… It's always about you, you, you! Well, no more! Just once, I'm gonna have it be about me!"
Sunset: "Now, you infuriating little wunderkind… We both know you belong here like bark on a cat. So here's the deal: You hand me my crown, and you can go back home… or will introduce the portal to my sledgehammer and strand you here FOREVER!"
Twilight: "Actually, wouldn't the sledgehammer just go through the portal?"
Sunset: "...You don't know that for sure."
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "No deal."
Sunset: "Transspecie what."
Sunset: "Equestria! Your friends! Your family! Your goddess! Your magic! Your power! You'd lose everything!"
Twilight: "You are clearly planning to use this crown to get magical powers. Without powers, you were able to turn this school into your little fiefdom. With them, you'd be a global threat to this whole damn planet."
Twilight: "As for Equestria: I trust in the Elemental Harmony Squad. I trust in her Momjesty. I trust in my brother and sister-in-law. I trust in the Power of Friendship that defeated the wendigos. Equestria will survive without me, or the Rainbow Deathray."
Twilight: "...Plus, if I don't come back, I'm sure her Momjesty will figure some way of rescuing me. Eventually. Really, it's mostly Spike's aging rate I'd be concerned with."
Sunset: "Curse your sudden but inevitable logic!" *drops the hammer. Not on the portal*
Rainbow Dash: "You. Are. Awesome! ...I'm not overusing that word, am I?"
Applejack: "Ah'm humbled that ya were willin' ta go this far fer our sake!"
Rarity: "Of all the best princesses that could happen, you are the BEST. PRINCIPAL. THING."
Sunset: "Oh sure, it'll all her her her her HER! Well, NOT SO FAST, BUCKO!" *jumps in*
GAME OF KEEP-AWAY FOR ALL THE MARBLES!
Sunset: *gets Elemental Harmony Crown*
Sunset: "Finally... after all this time... all those plans and effort... POWER! REAL ULTIMATE POWER!"
Sunset: *uses crown*
Sunset: *becomes Sunset of Worlds, Archdemon!*
Applejack: "What just happened?"
Twilight: "The crown is a powerful harmony device, but it doesn't belong in this world. So it attempts to impose an order that doesn't fit this world's order. This generates a reality dissonance, making reality fragile and malleable around the user, thus allowing them to warp it to their will."
Applejack: "What just happened in layman's language?"
Twilight: "Sunset just got superpowers."
Applejack: "Ah. So, on a scale o' 1 ta 10, how screwed are we?"
Sunset of Worlds: "13! BWAHAHAHA!"
Sunset of Worlds: *turns Snips&Snails into demons*
Snails: "This is the coolest thing ever!"
Snips: "I can't imagine anything ever going wrong with this!"
Rest of the students: "Whatever this is... it doesn't look good." *hide inside school*
Sunset of Worlds: "There is no escape." *annihilates school front wall*
Sunset of Worlds: "You swarm of anthropoid buffoons... I've had to jump through so many hoops over the years to stay in your good graces, but no more! From now on, and forevermore, you are MINE!"
Sunset of Worlds: *puppets entire student body*
Twilight: "Oh my Momjesty. All along, I thought you were an evil version of myself, like Sombra. But you're actually more like a mish-mash of every villain I've faced: Formerly close to her Momjesty like Night Mare Moon, drove a wedge between my friends like the Ebon Dragon, tried to pass for a pillar of the community like the Unseelie Queen, enslaves people like Sombra, jealous upstart like Darth Trixie…"
Sunset of Worlds: "OK, confession time: When I threatened to destroy the portal? Totally a bluff. I don't want to rule this pathetic, magic-less, tech-dependent world. The plan was always to return to Equestria with the power to take it over… and now, with my teenage army, I shall conquer it!"
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "OK, see, I want to point out the problems with your plan, but I'm not even sure where to begin. You're more of a social manipulation expert than a strategy expert, aren't you."
Sunset of Worlds: "Ha! Mock all you want, you can no longer stop me! I got magic; you got ZIP!"
Rainbow Dash: "She's got us! She still has friends who'll stay by her side - unlike you, who literally need to zombify people just to keep them from running away!"
Sunset of Worlds: "..."
Sunset of Worlds: "My, my! The whole gang really is together again! I cannot help but laugh!"
Fluttershy: "Actually, you look more like you're crying. Are you OK?"
Sunset of Worlds: "...OK. Not funny anymore. Time for some Savior of Worlds flambé."
Sunset of Worlds: *FIREBALL AT TWILIGHT!*
Elemental Harmony Squad: *desperately try to shield Twilight with their bodies!*
Sunset of Worlds: "I love the smell of charred corpses in the evening. Smells like victory."
Sunset of Worlds: "...Why am I not smelling victory?"
Twilight Sparkle, Savior of Worlds: *magical shield!*
Sunset of Worlds: "WHAT?!"
Twilight: "Oh, Sunset, Sunset, Sunset. You really don't get what's happening at all, do you? That's why you should have stayed in magic school."
Sunset of Worlds: "WHAT?!"
Twilight: "Sure, an Element of Harmony in the wrong universe generates a reality dissonance. Because, despite how similar our worlds are, there are differences between their natural orders. Different biology. Different history. Different physics, to some extent. But you know one thing that's the same? Friendship, and all the elements of the harmony it involves."
Sunset of Worlds: "WHAT?!"
Twilight: "You figured that the crown was creating the reality dissonance by trying to impose Equestria's natural order on this world. Newsflash: That natural order involves magic… and if there's magic, then the power of the Elements of Harmony goes to those who embody the Power of Friendship."
Sunset of Worlds: "WHAT?!"
Twilight: "Remember Clover the Clever and friends? They were able to tap into immense magic through friendship and harmony. And you probably didn't know it, because the details of the fight weren't publicized, but Night Mare Moon broke the Elements of Harmony. Didn't change didly squat, because the connection my friends and I had to the Elements reforged them quasi-instantly!"
Sunset of Worlds: "WHAT?!"
Twilight: "And right now? Well, friendship's a fairly universal concept, and whereas you are utterly friendless, I am literally the God-Queen of Friendship. So the crown connects to me. And since reality is, thanks to you, so malleable… the crown's forging connections to my friends here, much as if they possessed their Elements, like my friends back home. The worlds are connected, remember?"
Sunset of Worlds: "WHAT?!"
Twilight: "In other words…"
Twilight and friends: *become semi-equines*
Twilight: "...BY YOUR POWERS COMBINED, I AM CAPTAIN PONY!"
RAINBOW DEATHRAY FTW!
Sunset of Worlds: "CURSE YOU MEDDLING PEEEEEERS!"
Applejack: "Oh gods. Ah think tha magic's done turned us into furries."
Rarity: "Wwwwhy? I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a good look for us, but it might be… problematic in the long run."
Rainbow Dash: "Speak for yourself. I have wings. MY LIFE HAS NEW MEANING!"
Twilight: "Eh... Like I said: Malleable reality and all that. The magic of the crown was drawing a bit of a confusion between you girls and parallel universe versions of yourselves with their own magical resources. Long story. Anyway, I'm pretty sure you'll go back to normal once the connection between worlds is closed, and that's in about fifty minutes."
Sunset Shimmer, charred human: *sobs inside crater*
Twilight: "You! You will never rule Equestria. Your power here is gone, now that you've shown everyone your true colors. In the end, you were nothing but a- "
Sunset: "WHYYYYYYYYYY?!"
Twilight: "Um."
Sunset: "WHY?! Why is it always you who gets everything, and I who get left behind tasting the ashes?!"
Sunset: "I studied so hard to be a Savior of Worlds, but it was never enough! I tried to impress people by showing how much better than them I was, and they just hated me for it! I forced everyone to acknowledge my authority, and they all thought I was a jerk! I used bucking magic to make them mine, and you just popped a bigger weapon out of your hat and knocked me down!"
Sunset: "WHY? Why do I always end up alone?! Why is it that you always have friends willing to lay down their lives for you, and I've got no-one?!"
Sunset: "Um, no offence, Snips and Snails."
Snips&Snails: "None taken."
Twilight: *helps Sunset up*
Sunset: "!"
Twilight: "Sunset... Friendship isn't a power relation. To have friends, you must first be a friend… and for that, you need to treat others as equals, not as peons for you to dominate."
Sunset: "Wait, that's an option?! How the Dream Valley do you do that?! Conflicts inevitably arise with others!"
Twilight: "So you talk things out like adults. You agree to disagree. You… Sweet Momjesty, you really have no idea how to be a friend, do you?"
Sunset: "I... kinda spent years driving everyone away here."
Twilight's Inner Dialog: "Well, I'm sure her Momjesty would forgive you… but I think what you NEED is the forgiveness of the humans you've been tormenting all this time. I think you need to stay here for the time being."
Twilight: "Well then. I'm appointing five friendship teachers to you. Guess whom."
Spike: "Wooo! Total victory across the board! Have yourselves the Spike Seal of Approval!"
Random student: "Did... did that dog just talk?"
Spike: "No, Twilight here is just a skilled ventriloquist. YES, I can talk. Also, Sunset's turned into a demon, you guys got puppeteered like zombies, Twilight&co zapped the demon with a rainbow deathray, and then they forgave Sunset Shimmer, but a talking dog is what you find weird here?"
Rarity: "Well, I for one think you're adorable." *ear-scratch*
Spike: "Like a boss."
Celestia: "I don't know about you, but I've been having a fantastic night. A few fun facts:"
Celestia: "One: The energy signature of a Rainbow Deathray is very high. Practically the same as a city being hit by a killsat. And yet, it didn't harm the city in the least."
Celestia: "Two: There used to be an impregnable bunker on a place called Crystal Skull Island. Now, it's just an unremarkable, featureless spot in the ocean. Killsats are funny like that."
Celestia: "Three: No matter the world, a true leader doesn't make others bow to them - a true leader is one that can inspire others to stand with them."
Celestia: "Four: You are such a leader, Twilight Sparkle... And I hope you are aware of it." *crowns Twilight*
Crowd: *cheers*
Twilight: "Um... Thank you. But, er... Sunset's bullying had been going around for years. Why didn't you put a stop to it?"
Celestia: "Well, as painful as her actions were to everyone, I decided to allow them temporarily because I had this big Batman Gambit set up to…"
Twilight: "Ah. Say no more."
Celestia: "Yeah, I imagine you're getting used to this sort of thing."
Twilight: "Wait, do you know about the world on the other side of-"
Celestia: "That would be telling, now wouldn't it."
Twilight: "...All right. But you will handle Sunset Shimmer's rehabilitation program along with my friends, yes?"
Celestia: "Cross my heart and hope to fly."
Flash Sentry: "Would now... be a completely awkward time to ask you for that dance?" [/actual dialog]
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Ah, buck it all. To quote Pinkie Pies, let's party!"
Party time redux!
Rainbow Dash: "Yo, Scootaloo! Want an air ride?!"
Scootaloo: "Is this party awesome?"
Vinyl Scratch: "OK, I guess playing 'Thriller' would be tasteless tonight, but I'll bet 'TNT' will go well with this audience…"
TWILIGHT DANCING!
Flash Sentry: "Sweet fancy Moses!"
Flash Sentry: "..."
Flash Sentry: "Ah well."
FLASH SENTRY DANCING!
Photo Finish: "Smile, all of you picture-perfect pony girls!"
Farewells!
Many hugs: *were had*
Twilight: "You girls will take care of Sunset, won't you? I know she's a psycho-bitch… but, for the grace of her Momjesty there go I. Either of us could have ended up like the other…"
Rarity: "We'll do our best to bring out her better side. Though I will be expecting an apology."
Twilight: "Oh, I'm seeing a lot of apologies in her near-future."
Luna: "You start with a long, hard apology to the wall, youngsters."
Sunset: "Sigh... Yes ma'am." *gets to work fixing the wall*
Snips: "Man, being evil is lame."
Snails: "Word."
Twilight: "So... this is goodbye, girls. Despite having only known you for a short while, I'm really gonna miss you all."
Twilight: "Oh, and one more thing: If you girls make more friends, and one of them, one day, completely ruins the rehearsal for the wedding of the century… go easy on her." *walks back to the portal*
Spike: "Ya know, the crown does suit you… Doctor Sparkle."
Twilight: "Heh. Much as I love the sound of that… feel free to call me God-Queen Twilight if you want to."
Spike: "Progress! And what about having wings?"
Twilight: "After walking on bipedal stilts and handling everything with tentacle-fingers? Wings will be easy!"
Twilight&Spike: *go back to Equestria*
Portal: *closes*
Pinkie Pie: *tries to run through portal*
Portal: "DENIED!"
Pinkie Pie: "Darn."
Back to Equestria!
Twilight: "Whoa. Quadrupedal balance... reacquired."
Elemental Harmony Squad: "YOU'RE BACK!"
God-Queen Luna: "And so's the superweapon, so, good job."
God-Queen Celestia: "Forgive the question, but… What of Sunset Shimmer?"
Twilight: "Oh, don't worry too much about her. She may not write letters, but I do believe she's learned an important lesson regardless. I believe you'll be seeing her again when the stars are right… and until then, I've left her in good hands. The best."
Rainbow Dash: "...What are hands?"
God-Queen Celestia: "She means hooves. Long story."
A deluge of questions later:
Twilight: "Girls, I'd love to answer your questions, and maybe probably write and publish a detailed book about my voyage, but right now? Right now, the fact that I've been up all night is catching up to me. Purple nerd needs sleep - badly."
Twilight: *bumps into soldier pony*
Soldier Pony: "We've got to stop bumping into each other like this, Doctor Sparkle."
Twilight: "!"
Twilight: "Cadance, quick: Who's that guy, exactly?"
Cadance: "Oh, he's a new member of the castle guard. Flash Sentry, if memory serves."
Cadance, budding God-Queen of Love: "Why, do you know him, hmmm?"
Twilight: "Well...No?"
Applejack: "Oooh, somepony sounds like she's got a crush. So much fer half our bets on yer preferences."
Twilight: "Technically, you are wrong."
Rarity: "My goodness, you do have a crush!"
Twilight: "You are being ridiculous. I don't even know this guy."
Twilight: "Buuuut, in the interest of full disclosure, you are partially correct. You see…"
Pinkie Pie: "...he's actually this universe's version of a really sweet guy you met on the other side of the portal who played some great guitar, was nice and helpful every step of the way, helped clear your name, had great chemistry with you, and was the perfect date?"
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Pinkie... Do you sometimes get all sorts of hunches and hallucinations about a world full of bipedal creatures that remind you of the people you know? Does it sometimes feel like you're there, but seeing everything from some five or six feet above the ground, about the same height as them? Do the events there often match the events that happen in your real life… but in a different order? And when events there happen before they actually happen to you… do you feel all sorts of twitches?"
Pinkie: "GASP! Are you psychic?!"
Spike: "Twilight? You're smiling. Big and wide. Why?"
Twilight: "Because once I've had some sleep, Spike, I'm gonna have so. Many. Research papers to write and publish. And that, Spike, is the true meaning of happy endings."
- Location
- New Hampshire
What? Is this Doctor Who-related?
Okay, overall this movie? I like.
NO!
No, Celestia. it WASN'T your fault! I can and will blame you for MANY things, but like with Luna, Sunset Shimmer chose her own path willingly. It's all on her head. Period.
Yep. The Satan Pit. I'd recently watched it at the time.
I thought it was... OK? Comparable to an average episode.
Truth be told, I think all three subsequent EQG movies were better.
Of course, while it took Rainbow Rocks for Sunset Shimmer to start being awesome, we wouldn't have Sunset Shimmer without this movie. ^^
- Location
- New Hampshire
Thanks. Man, it's been ages since I've seen that one. Hmm, maybe I should marathon some New Who sometime soon.
Yeah, but it's still good overall.
Princess Twilight Sparkle (Season 4)
Sergeant Redcoat: "Princess Cadence, Captain Equestria, allow to say once again that this is an honor."
Captain Equestria: "At ease, sergeant. As the highest-ranking survivor of the Crystal Army following Sombra's purge, it only makes sense that you'd be the pony to help us update the Empire's defenses."
Cadance: "And we can hardly expect you to do that without getting you up to speed."
Sergeant Redcoat: "Right! I remember that Sombra took over in the middle of a war with Tambelon, while everyone who could have stopped him was busy fighting Grogar. I assume we won."
Captain Equestria: "Yes. And the time after that, too. Grogar just won't stay down, regrettably."
Sergeant Redcoat: "Sounds like him. Still, in the short term, I suppose I'm more concerned about those Squirk cults around Innshoof…"
Captain Equestria: "Oh, don't worry about that. They all died down after Squirk was imprisoned in Tartarus."
Sergeant Redcoat: "Oh. Good to hear. Well, there's the matter of draconic raids…"
Captain Equestria: "None to speak of in the past two centuries - what God-Queen Celestia did to Tiamat sent a strong message. The closest thing to a raid we've had in living memory was a young dragon going through hyper-accelerated puberty followed by a psychotic rampage within our borders, and that ended with zero casualties."
Sergeant Redcoat: "Huh. OK, good. In that case, the next greatest concern should be dark wizards…"
Captain Equestria: "Four of those in the past two years. Sombra, Darth Trixie, Sunset Shimmer, Magic Eight-Ball…"
Sergeant Redcoat: "Wait, what?! The place used to be crawling with these guys! One per month was considered a quiet year!"
Sergeant Redcoat: "Ahem. Anyway… There were those gigantic transforming anthropomorphic metal creatures…"
Captain Equestria: "Peace treaty with the surviving faction."
Sergeant Redcoat: "The sociopathic bunnycat hive mind…"
Captain Equestria: "Have declared the entire planet a 'do not go' zone."
Captain Equestria: "The Simurgh…"
Captain Equestria: "Stuck in a time-loop."
Sergeant Redcoat: "The winged stone entities that moved when no-one was looking…"
Captain Equestria: "Covered in burning tar. Then the God-Queen looked away."
Sergeant Redcoat: "...OK, seriously, what happened while we were gone?! Did you guys exterminate each and every threat to ponykind while we weren't looking?!"
Captain Equestria: "Well… There's still the Cutie Mark Crusaders."
Sergeant Redcoat: *shivers* "Wait, they're real? I thought they were a myth!"
PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Rainbow Dash: "All right. Since you've finished getting used to being a pony again, let's see about those flight lessons. Tame the air, Twi!"
Twilight Sparkle, PhD: *crashes into tree*
Fluttershy: "Huh. Usually, that tree eats kites."
Applejack: "Keep workin' on it, yer majesty. Ah'm sure ya'll master it in no time."
Twilight: "Applejack, please. Just call me Twilight."
Rarity: "Twilight, really. Modesty among royalty is unbecoming."
Twilight: "My friends, you bow to no-one. Except her Momjesty, but that's another story."
Twilight: "And frankly, I need you girls as a stabilizing influence, with everything else in my life being a bit weird these days. Heck, I'd eagerly delay the flight lessons, if her Momjesty wasn't expecting me to play an aerial role for the Summer Sun Celebration."
Rainbow Dash: "Which means we're on a schedule! So get up there, and show gravity who's boss!"
Twilight: "All right…" *Twilight vs. Gravity: Round #who's counting?*
Gravity: "YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE LAST OF ME!" *swings the planet at Twilight's face*
Pinkie Pie: "Woo! You're almost as great a crasher as Rainbow Dash!"
Twilight: "Royal duties, thy name is pain."
Canterlot Castle:
Stained glass: *sings Twilight's glory*
Twilight: "Well, this is… definitely not awkward?"
Rarity: "Whyever would it be awkward, darling? Why, completing the most advanced spell in the world, rewriting one's own destiny, achieving apotheosis, being crowned God-Queen, and earning the well-deserved adoration of the people is everypony's dream!"
Rainbow Dash: "...You're a pro at this whole 'jecting' business, aren't you?"
Pinkie Pie: "I'm a pro chocolate-eater! And cake-eater! And cookie-eater! And..." *drools*
Applejack: "Anyway, fer tha sake o'exposition, Ah'll be remindin' y'all that tha non-nobility among us pretty much got put in charge o'tha local Ponyville Summer Sun Celebration. Since, y'know, tha mayor canna fudge it without Twilight's bureaucracy powers."
Twilight:
Applejack: "Why tha long face?"
Twilight: "Equine."
Applejack: "Ya done did that joke already."
Twilight: "You know what I haven't done yet? Ditch all my very best friends like this. We met preparing for the Summer Sun Celebration. That we now won't be spending it together feels… unpleasantly symbolic. Like it's representing a new direction for the show that I don't care for one bit."
Applejack: "Well, Ah wouldn't worry too much, yer Twilightness. See this stained glass mural? See what it represents? Us bein' united by tha freakin' Elements o'Harmony. When tha Rainbow Deathray says ye're BFFs, there ain't no royal or divine duties that can take that away. Ain't it so, gals?"
Rarity: "Certainly."
Rainbow Dash: "You bet!"
Fluttershy: "M-hm."
Pinkie Pie: "...and MMMMs, and chocolate-dipped honey-glazed sugar balls, and…"
Fluttershy: "You should take that as a yes." [/actual dialog]
At the train station:
Pinkie Pie: "...and we'll give you so many details about the party, it'll be just as if you'd been there!"
Pinkie Pie: "...No, really. I'm trying to build some kinda virtual-reality helmet for that. It'd be a lot easier with unicorn magic, though."
Rainbow Dash: "And Derpy received 'Daring Do and the Muffin Idol' before we left, so she won't be visiting the library during your short absence."
Twilight: "Hopefully that's enough."
Train: *departs*
Twilight: "...I'm not sure if it's my emotional insecurities or my plot-sense talking here, but I already feel like I'm missing something."
Mailpony: "Letter for Doctor Twilight, PhD!"
Letter: "Dear Twilight - you aren't missing anything! Your friend, Pinkie Pie." [/actual letter]
Twilight: "Ah, Pinkie. That classic mix of awesome and kinda terrifying when you dwell on it."
Spike: "And check, and check, and check. Well, what do you know! Between the everflowing XP, the hordes of bureaucrats at your service, and your exceptionally competent number one assistant, we're actually ahead of schedule!"
Twilight: "I knew spending XP on 'Speed The Wheels' was a good investment."
Spike: "You know, with the free time that leaves us, we could actually stop by Ponyville before the celebration proper, if it makes you feel better…"
Twilight: "NO! We need every little bit of safety margin we can get! What if there's an unseelie invasion delaying us? What if that chrono-spell I used once has time-delayed consequences that will activate any moment now and accelerate time? What if it turns out that her Momjesty has a hidden task for me that she couldn't let anyone else know about, so she encrypted it in my current task list and now I need to decode it? What if…"
Spike: "...what if you have recently added several new muscles to your body, and haven't yet noticed what they do when you get too nervous?"
Twilight: "Yeah, what about tha-" *flies into ceiling*
Spike: "Wings: Slapstick for every occasion!"
Twilight: "Owch. But, my point still stands! This is my first official royal duty, barring black ops like the Sunset Shimmer mission! I can't disappoint her Momjesty on this!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Twilight, if Equestria received one copper bit every time you disappointed me, and one gold bit every time you were worried about disappointing me, their respective scarcity ratio would by now be inversed."
Twilight and Spike: *Kneel! Kneel before God!*
God-Queen Celestia: "You, my friends, bow to no-one. Unless you really want to, but seriously, no need."
Twilight: "Eh-heh. Sorry about that."
God-Queen Celestia: "Quite all right, Twilight. You're effectively immortal, and I trust you'll learn to think of me as an equal in time."
God-Queen Celestia: "In the meanwhile, I must say that it's wonderful to actually be looking forward to the Summer Sun Celebration this time around."
Twilight: "Beg your pardon?"
God-Queen Celestia: "To Equestria at large, the SSC is a celebration of the longest day of the summer, and the defeat of the dark goddess Night Mare Moon. To me, it's always been a reminder of my greatest failure - of how I had to nuke my own sister into space. A reminder of how I lost the only person I still had left from my pre-God-Queen days. Well, unless you count Mimic and her letters."
Twilight: "So… All those SSC celebrations… The reason you always fly upward with the Sun at your back isn't just because it looks epic."
God-Queen Celestia: "That's just a bonus. Mostly, it's to keep my face shadowed long enough that I can boil and evaporate the tears before anyone sees them."
Twilight: "Oh…"
God-Queen Celestia: "...But thanks to you, now I can treat it as a celebration of my reunion with my sister, so I no longer need to put on a brave face for everypony! Have I mentioned that I'm grateful for that lately? Because I'm grateful for that."
God-Queen Celestia: "Anyway… I imagine leaving your Ponyville friends behind today is difficult, even if it's necessary to ease the population into the political transition. Now, Twilight, I may no longer be your thesis adviser… but I hope you know that I will always remain a friend to whom you may go for advice. And, hopefully, vice-versa."
Twilight:
Mailpony: "Letter for Doctor Twilight, PhD!"
Twilight: "What the…?"
Meanwhile, back in Ponyville:
Pinkie Pie: "...and I sent her a line of confetti she can snort!"
Applejack: "Ye're the only pony who does that, Pinkie. And Ah thought ya were in rehab fer it."
Pinkie Pie: "It's true! It's true! I do have a problem!"
In Canterlot:
God-Queen Celestia: "Hm. Perhaps I ought to check on your friend's rehabilitation sometimes soon."
Twilight: "You and me both, your Momjesty."
Twilight: "Anyway: Spike, where were we?"
Spike: "About to punch the clock?"
Twilight: "Go over the checklist one more time, you say? Brilliant idea!"
Spike: "As usual, my genius gets ignored."
God-Queen Celestia: "I see the situation is in good hooves. Good night, you two."
God-Queen Celestia: *walks away*
God-Queen Celestia: *not asking for trouble*
God-Queen Celestia: *except, you now, by being God-Queen of this sick, deranged Death World*
Dark Vine of Death, which cannot talk: "DEICIDE TIME!"
Later:
Spike: "Finally. After many years of grueling work, terrible dangers, amazing adventures, and herculean effort, I have completed The Final Checklist. Never again will I need to touch another one of these-"
Twilight: "Spike! Wake up from your nonsensical dreams and face the nonsensical reality!"
Spike: "Ugh. What time is it?"
Twilight: "That's… a distressingly good question."
Sky: *is divided into a day half and a night half*
Spike: "What the quartz?! What the heck is that?! And how can half the sky be dark with the Sun right there?! Shouldn't it be diffracting the blue wavelengths of the Sun's light?"
Twilight: "No, that's just how air and sunlight used to work. Some popular old texts still refer to that, hence the common misconception. See, when reality was rebooted to make nature controllable, the atmosphere had to be reprogrammed so it wouldn't do anything on its own. That's why winds and clouds only happen when pegasi influence the process, for example. Same with light: The air particles only diffract sunlight when the Sun is closer than the Moon, because that's the program underlying our carefully-molded physical reality."
Spike: "Now I know!"
Twilight: "And knowing is half the battle! ...Now let's take care of the sucky half."
Streets of Canterlot: "The world has gone mad(der)!" "I'm selling all my stock market shares! Again!" "Everypony panic in an orderly fashion!" "Let's ask the new God-Queen! She'll know what to do!"
Twilight: "Oh, manure. I'm surrounded by idiots!"
Guard Pony: "Doctor Twilight! You are requested at the palace!"
Twilight: "Whew. Saved by the bell!"
Castle of Canterlot:
Twilight: "All right. So, please, fill me in! Why are her Momjesty and her sister pulling these… rather unconventional astrobatics?"
Guard Pony: "Actually… they're not. God-Queen Celestia and God-Queen Luna are both MIA."
Twilight: "Pony what."
Spike: "We're doomed!" *faints*
Guard Pony: "So… What are your orders?"
Twilight: "My orders?"
Guard Pony: "We're the Royal Guard! With Celestia and Luna missing, and Cadence far up North, that leaves you as the highest-ranking on-site nobility, effectively making you the acting commander in chief!"
Twilight: "Pony what."
Spike: "We're doomed!" *faints*
Guard Pony: "So… Any advice? We're kinda hoping that PhD comes in handy somewhere in this."
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: *leader mode!*
Twilight: "Maintain a city-wide search for the missing royalty. Expand beyond the city if needed. Maintain patrols, and keep the population from panicking. Make reassuring statements about semi-related matters, like we still have the situation under control. For now, we need to prevent total panic."
Guard Pony: "Yes, your highness!"
Spike: "Well, well, well. I guess all that time leading the Elemental Harmony Squad paid off, eh?"
Twilight: "I'd like to think so!"
Other Guard Pony: "Your highness! Terrible news from Ponyville! The Hellmouth is opening! The Everfree Forest is invading!"
Twilight: "Pony what."
Spike: "We're doomed!" *faints*
Animals of Ponyville's surroundings: *have taken refuge in Fluttershy's cottage*
Fluttershy: "My goodness, what's got you so scared?"
Fluttershy: *takes a look outside*
Dark Vines of Death: "SURPRISE TENTACLE BUTTSECKS!"
Fluttershy: "...Let's all move to the volcanoes. Worst they have is dragons."
Sweet Apple Acre: *Dark Vine of Deathinvasion!*
Applejack: "Celestiadammit, just fer once, just fer once, Ah'd like ta complete a harvest cycle without making tha insurance provider cry!"
Up in the sky!
It's a bird!
It's a plane!
No, it's… Rainbow Dash, getting her flank kicked by invulnerable spiky clouds of doom shooting lightning like Zeus on crack!
Rainbow Dash: "Augh! When did 'weatherpony' turn into 'bullet hell'?!"
At the Carousel Boutique:
Dark Vines of Death used MAGIC SCRAMBLING!
It's SUPER-EFFECTIVE!
Rarity: "Why is the sky suddenly bipolar, and why is my magic attempting murder on my cat?"
Rarity: "Let's see… Saint MacGyver, give me strength…" *shorts own horn out with saliva*
Rarity: "So the enzymes in saliva do conduct magic. Myth confirmed!"
Opal: *glare*
Rarity: "...Wasn't me, I swear."
Opal, who cannot talk: "Sleep with one eye open, bitch."
Sweetie Belle: "Rarity, help! My magic's gone all scrambled and it won't stoooop!"
Scrambled magic: *animates drape*
Animated drape: "I AM THE GHOST OF PARADISE ESTATE!"
Rarity: "That's… never a good sign."
Twilight: "All right. I'm not sure what to do about the missing God-Queens, but a Hellmouth invasion sounds like a job for the Elemental Harmony Squad. Come on, Spike - if we hurry, there is a small, minuscule, non-zero chance that we might be able to catch the last train for Baltimare, and commandeer it to go to Ponyville instead!"
Spike: "Or - hear this genius idea for a moment - we could use your wings."
Twilight: "Genius idea accepted! Prepare to enter the danger zone!"
Some time later:
Spike: "This may have been a less than genius idea!" *buckles seat belt*
Twilight: "...When did you get a seat belt that could be attached to a pony?"
Spike: "Within a day of your getting wings. I'm not stupid."
Twilight: "Well, here's the Ponyville library! Prepare for landing!"
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "It is occurring to me, a few seconds too late, that I might be modelling my landing technique on Rainbow Dash."
Spike: "MAYDAY! INCOMING WINDOW!"
Twilight: *teleport-crash!*
Spike: *window crash!*
Spike: "Just call me… Blue Screen Of Death…"
Twilight: "So so sorry, Spike. I guess with the extra mass of my wings, my spur-of-the-moment teleport spell felt like it was including you."
Spike: "Wings: Slapstick for every occasion. Ow."
Pinkie Pie: "So, fearless leader? Kiiiinda having weed trouble here, and-"
*twitchy-twitch!*
Pinkie Pie: *dodges Dark Vine of Death*
Meanwhile, in another dimension:
Pinkie Pie: "Wow! Those DVDs are nasty! Thanks for accidentally taking that hit for me, Sunny!"
Sunset Shimmer: "What… are friends for?"
Pinkie Pie: "Aw, that's nice of you to say."
Sunset Shimmer: "No, seriously. What are they for?" *tries to scrape self off floor*
Applejack: "Pour la République!" *guillotines Dark Vine of Death*
Applejack: "So, turns out ya canna stay outta Ponyville fer long, otherwise this kinda crap starts happenin'."
Rarity: "But, thankfully, we can assume our illustrious God-Queen Celestia has sent you here to investigate the current crisis."
Twilight: "Well, actually… I'm sure she would have?"
Rarity: "Beg your pardon?"
Twilight: "In fact, if the multiple-world interpretation of quantum physics is correct, it's practically guaranteed that there's at least one universe where that did happen!"
Rarity: "I'm not sure I follow."
Twilight: "And really, is her spirit not always with us, guiding our every action? Isn't the culture that has shaped us, and thus our decisions, the work of her long and hard social engineering? So can not every act we make in the defense of Equestria be considered to be done at her behest, however indirectly?"
Rarity: "I'm afraid I must request clarification, my dear."
Twilight: "Well, I suppose what I'm trying to say in a kinda-sorta roundabout way is that…"
Spike: "CELESTIA AND LUNA ARE MIA!"
Rarity: "LE GASP!"
Applejack: "SAY IT AIN'T SO!"
Pinkie Pie: "That's… not funny."
Fluttershy: *faints*
Rainbow Dash: "HELL AND DAMNATION, WE ARE DONE FOR!"
Twilight: "So, I figured I'd come back here, get the squad together, break out the superweapon, and nuke the problem."
Applejack: "BFFs an' Rainbow Deathrays. All is right in that world."
Applejack: "Well, 'cept fer tha missing God-Queens. Any idea on who we need ta nuke ta right that part?"
Twilight: "Uh, hello? Messed-up cycle of day and night, weather patterns that look like Dali on drugs, unnatural vegetation… Do I really need to spell it out loud?"
Twilight: "All right, squad. Use the summoning formation. Which, conveniently, is also the execution formation."
Elemental Harmony Squad: *POWER OVERWHELMING!*
Elemental Harmony Squad: *UNLEASH RAINBOW DEATHRAY!*
Elemental Harmony Squad: *...and get some frequent flyer miles*
Ebon Dragon: "Let's get down to business
To find her - the One!
Is there any stallion
With whom she'll - have fun?
They're the saddest bunch we've ever met
But you can bet - before we're through
Sister I'll find a stallion for you!"
Ebon Dragon: "...Wait. Where did the echo of the Chaos Cave go?"
Ebon Dragon: "...Oh."
Twilight: "Ebon Dragon, you are charged with gross violation of the natural order with intent to laugh, and multiple counts of godnapping. Let the old-school God-Queens go, and we'll let you plea bargain!"
Ebon Dragon: "OK, see, while I'm flattered that you're giving me the credit, I'm afraid I haven't done anything of the sort lately. Unless you count other universes. Believe me, kidnapping Big Brother took creativity."
Rainbow Dash: "Minotaur manure! You think we don't recognize your lame-flank style?!"
Pinkie Pie: "Yeah! We don't have time for your stupid jokes! This is serious business!"
Ebon Dragon: "Come on, now! I thought we were friends! Would I lie to you?"
Twilight: "Affirmative. And you're Fluttershy's friend. Not mine."
Applejack: "Oh yes ya would, ya ragin' soulhole."
Rainbow Dash: "YES, you draconequus scum!"
Rarity: "You most definitely would, you despicable ruffian!"
Pinkie Pie: "Totally, you jerk!"
Fluttershy: "...Maybe, if it was funny?"
Ebon Dragon: "Well then! It seems we're at an impasse. What do friends do in this sort of situation?"
Ebon Dragon: "I'm asking because, you know, you've recently gotten yourself promoted to God-Queen of Friendship, so supposedly you're the number one expert in the field. Congrats on the promotion, by the way - I like seeing the status quo upended like that!"
Twilight: "Well, ideally, friends would sit down, have a long, serious talk, reconsider assumptions, try to come up with a reasonable compromise…"
Rainbow Dash: "...but since we're not friends and we hate your face, we'll just stone you! ...Also, we're in a bit of a hurry here, so, RAINBOW DEATHRAY!"
Fluttershy: "WAAAAIT! What if… and I know it's kinda out there, but bear with me - what if, just for once, he is telling the truth? I mean, God-Queen Celestia wanted him free for a reason, right?"
Twilight: "FINE. We'll take a chance on this. Eddy, who do you think is responsible for this?"
Ebon Dragon: "Instead of asking the guy you've been Dreyfussing all this time, how about you ask the gal you used to Dreyfus instead?"
Zecora: "Though a full metal zebra yours truly may be
The rage of the Hellmouth has forced me to… run away
The forest's become so wild and chaotic
The plants are deranged, and weather's… psycho."
Twilight: "That non-rhyme was pretty weak."
Zecora: "Well excuuuse me, princess! I'm in a bit of a state of shock here!"
Twilight: "Fair enough. Do you have any idea what caused this?"
Zecora: "Nnnnnooooo…"
Twilight: "Buck."
Zecora: "...buuuuut I think I know how to find out."
Twilight: "You're the best. Well, second-best after her Momjesty. What have you got?"
Zecora: "This is… something I've been holding onto for a rainy day. Or just a plain shitty day, like right now. It's called The Milk of Time."
Pinkie Pie: "Doesn't look very milky!"
Zecora: "Well, no. That's because it's incomplete. Basically, it's a flashback potion. It lets you see specific events in the past relating to what you want to find out more about."
Twilight: "Sounds… really powerful, actually. I mean, it'd have to comb through space and time to find something specifically related to something that's happening right now. That's not exactly run-of-the-mill magic you're talking about."
Zecora: "Correct. And that's why it's incomplete: You need divine magic to empower it."
Twilight: "Then we're well and truly bucked! How are we supposed to find a god to help us now?!"
Zecora: "..."
Applejack: "..."
Rarity: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Pinkie Pie: "..."
Fluttershy: "..."
Twilight: "Oh."
Rarity: "All right, then. I suppose we'll need some time for you to research the correct spell to achieve this, as soon as you are done analyzing Zecora's notes, and hopefully by then you can- You're already done, aren't you."
Twilight: "Archmage."
Rarity: "But of course."
Twilight: *drinks half the flashback potion*
FLASHBACK!
Twilight: "OK, let's see. The God-Queens disappeared a few hours ago, so…"
God-Queen Luna: "Not. Another. Step. Bitch."
Twilight: "...shortly before their disappearance. Got it."
God-Queen Luna: "Did you really think I was going to play second fiddle forever?! Did you really think I was going to let all my hard work go unappreciated?! Did you really think that I was going to let them all worship you and your stupid thermonuclear fireball?!"
Twilight: "Uh…"
God-Queen Luna: "Well, THINK AGAIN, BUCKO! I say it's time for some good old-fashioned monotheism! All shall love me and despair!"
God-Queen Luna: *TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART!*
God-Queen Luna: "BEHOLD THE POWER OF DARKNESS!"
God-Queen Luna: *NIGHT MARE MOON!*
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "OK… either the situation is even more bucked up than I'd realized, or this 'flash' has a lot of 'back' into it."
Night Mare Moon: "Tonight begins a glorious new dark age! A thousand-year rule, followed by another thousand-year rule, then another, and another, and another! Eternal darkness for everypony!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Hahaha NO. Molly… Luna? You're being unreasonable. Stop it. Stop being unreasonable."
Night Mare Moon: "I am Luna no more! I AM NIGHT MARE MOON!"
God-Queen Celestia: "You know… I didn't want to believe it."
God-Queen Celestia: "The vandalism against sundials… The massacre of roosters… The fire at the bed manufactory… The attempts to destroy the Sun… The 'Luna Rules' graffiti defacing monuments…"
God-Queen Celestia: "I had everything investigated. Checked every possible explanation, every way it might not be you behind it all. I checked the Ebon Dragon's stone prison. I looked for traces of Sombra's return. I angrily interrogated every cultist I could find in Innshoof. I even went on an epic time-travel adventure to find evidence of Tirac being behind it all."
God-Queen Celestia: "I tried everything… and it was you all along."
Night Mare Moon: "Yes, you foolish fool! Now, you shall pay the price for your lack of vision! Die! DIE! DIE!"
God-Queen Celestia: "OK, no. We're not doing this. Screw the Cain and Abel routine. Luna, you're my sister, and I love you. I understand that there are… issues... but that doesn't mean we have to fight. I refuse to fight you. Let's discuss this like civilized mares, instead of giving ourselves heavy metal makeovers and renaming ourselves with lame puns. If we just talk it out, we-"
Night Mare Moon: "EX-TER-MI-NATE!" *plasma buster!*
God-Queen Celestia: "Whoa." *dodges this*
Night Mare Moon: "REND! ANNIHILATE! TERMINATE! DESTROY! OBLITERATE! KILL!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Sis, I'm sensing some serious hostility issues here!"
Night Mare Moon: *plasma buster! Direct hit edition!*
God-Queen Celestia: "AUGH!" *a God-Queen falls*
Twilight: "AUGH! Right in the feels!"
Twilight: *lands next to smoldering Celestia*
Twilight: "Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease please be a flashback to the distant, distant past!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Augh. That smarts…"
Twilight: "Whew."
God-Queen Celestia: "..."
God-Queen Celestia: "Oh, Molly." *sheds tear*
God-Queen Celestia: "This is wrong. This shouldn't be happening." *heads to the Batcave*
God-Queen Celestia: "But it is happening. The Sun, blotted out. Mad, unstoppable tyranny at best. An extinction event at worst. I… I have no idea how to talk you down." *opens arsenal*
God-Queen Celestia: "But I can stall you. Long enough to think of a better plan. I hope." *gathers Elements of Harmony*
Twilight: "Huh. That's… That's how the Rainbow Deathray used to look."
Twilight: "...That's a relief!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Sister! I'm really really sorry about this!"
Night Mare Moon: "Save your sorries! Are you seriously trying to fight me with the Elements of Harmony?! You're alone, imbecile! No Wind Whistler to turn to for advice! No Fizzy to play with! No Danny to crack jokes with! No Spike to mentor! No Molly to coddle! No mom, no dad! You have no-one left to be in harmony with! SUFFER THE WRATH OF MY PLASMA BUSTER!"
God-Queen Celestia: *POWER OVERWHELMING!*
Night Mare Moon: "WHAT?! IMPOSSIBLE! With whom can you be in harmony?!"
God-Queen Celestia: "The world."
God-Queen Celestia: *sheds tear* "Bang."
God-Queen Celestia: *by her power, is Captain Pony!* "Zoom."
God-Queen Celestia: *Rainbow Deathray FTW!* "Straight to the Moon."
Moon: *gets new geographic feature*
God-Queen Celestia: "...Goodbye, Molly."
God-Queen Celestia: "..."
God-Queen Celestia: "OK, screw this tragic bullshit! I'm going to reboot the universe right in its stupid face until it gives me a way to save my sister!"
END OF FLASHBACK!
Twilight: "Uh. Whiplash."
Rainbow Dash: "Twilight! Did you get anything from this weird crap?"
Twilight: "Yeah, some early grey hairs for my mane. Nothing useful, though."
Zecora: "That would suggest that the chain of causality involved here is really long, and there wasn't enough juice to get to the root of it. Another sip will probably do the trick."
Twilight: "I hope so. Judging from the taste, the Milk of Time has had all the time in the world to expire."
FLASHBACK!
Twilight: "All my worries aside, I have to admit, I'm a bit excited to get a glimpse of what Equestria looked like so early in its History, before even Luna's banishment…"
Barracuda with a mustache made of cotton candy: "I'm on a boat! I'm on a boat! Take a good hard look at the pony-bucking boat!"
Twilight: "Uh…"
Light bulb: "How many ponies do you need to screw before something gets done? LET'S FIND OUT!"
Twilight: "Er…"
The Color Red: "Today, I have replaced the town's entire water supply with hemoglobin. Let's watch and see if anypony notices!"
Twilight: "OK, either it was worse than I thought, or I went back to the time of…"
Ebon Dragon: "Total chaos, everybody was kung-fu fighting, and I get to be a dick to everyone. I love being me."
Twilight: "Right. That."
God-Queens Celestia and Luna: *advance, grimly*
Ebon Dragon: "Oh, hey there! It's the Unconquered Sun and the Silver Lady! What, the Maidens of Destiny were too busy?" *eats seeds of Discord*
God-Queens Celestia and Luna: *have had enough of your shit!*
Ebon Dragon: "By the way, congrats on making it through the fiery tornado-quake! I figured another sharknado would have been repetitive. So, wanna pin the tail on the pony?" *has Celestia's tail*
God-Queen Celestia: "AUGH! That's the 5,678th worst thing I've seen you do!"
Ebon Dragon: "Yeah, well, whatcha gonna do about it, huh? You gonna go cry to Gaia?"
God-Queens Celestia and Luna: *pull out the heavy artillery!*
Ebon Dragon: "Oooh, now what have you got here?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Remember the Rainbow of Light?"
God-Queen Luna: "Meet the 2.0 version!"
God-Queens Celestia and Luna: "AND MEET JUSTICE!"
Ebon Dragon: "Seriously, you two are comedy gold! Look at yourself! Fighting for imaginary ideas like friendship and justice! Looking so grim and gritty, like this was the big heroic climax at the end of a long epic quest! You're hilarious!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Hey, what's ugly and screams forever? YOUR FACE!" [/mistaque]
RAINBOW DEATHRAY FTW!
Twilight: "OK, that was fun to watch, but what does that have to do with-"
FLASHBACK! STILL!
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "There's a big crystalline tree brimming with cosmic power. Why is there a big crystalline tree brimming with cosmic power?"
God-Queen Luna: "My goodness… The Tree of Harmony?"
Twilight: "Pony what."
God-Queen Celestia: "Come on, sis. We've got a world to save."
God-Queen Luna: "Sister… Are you sure this is wise? I mean, I'll admit I find it hard to imagine any potential outcome worse than being ruled forever by the Ebon Dragon, but that might be simply a failure of my imagination."
God-Queen Celestia: "I understand your concern, but this is a risk we must take. We have resisted the escalation, the magical arms race, for as long as the world could afford it. But now, with a Yozi in town, and Aslan-knows-what else lurking in the dark corners of reality, I'm afraid we must obtain a bigger weapon."
God-Queen Celestia: "And if it reassures you… even without the Rainbow Deathray, the Tree of Harmony will still have the power to contain the malicious, unchecked growth of this Hellmouth."
God-Queen Luna: "Then let us do as we must."
God Queens Celestia and Luna: *retrieve Elements of Harmony from Tree of the same*
END OF FLASHBACK!
Twilight: "...Huh."
Applejack: "That a good 'huh' or a bad 'huh', sugarcube?"
Twilight: "A bit of both? I still don't know what happened to her Momjesty and Luna… but I think I know what's the deal with the DVDs."
Applejack: "Do tell!"
Twilight: "Apparently, there's some crystal-ish growth called the Tree of Harmony that plays a role in containing the Hellmouth Forest. It's where the Elements of Harmony come from."
Ebon Dragon: "You don't say."
Twilight: "I'm guessing something happened to it, and that plays into the current hellish invasion."
Applejack: "Great! So now we know where ta aim tha Rainbow Deathray! Let's go hug tha tree!"
Fluttershy: "Yay!"
Applejack: "Well, you too, sure, but Ah meant tha Tree o'Harmony. So, where is it?"
Twilight: "...In the Hellmouth?"
Applejack: "Optimism droppin' evah-so-slightly."
Meanwhile, somewhere else:
God-Queen Luna: "Sister? I am unable to move an inch. What of you?"
God-Queen Celestia: "The same, I'm afraid."
God-Queen Luna: "Regrettable. However… all may not be lost."
God-Queen Celestia: "It rarely is."
God-Queen Luna: "I have… a plan. I believe that, by mixing arcane and anti-arcane energies within my horn, I can generate an explosive reaction which will destroy our prison. It will also destroy my horn, permanently crippling my magic, but that is an acceptable price if the safety of Equestria is at stake."
God-Queen Celestia: "...Let's call that plan L."
God-Queen Luna: "You are not to enact that plan yourself in order to spare me the injury! Regardless of your desire to protect a sister, Equestria hath greater need of thou than of… Wait, plan L? What, pray tell, is plan A?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Oh, plan A has already fallen through, or we wouldn't be here. I do, however, have a false tooth with a pre-recorded spell that it can unleash at a moment's notice."
God-Queen Luna: "What spell, precisely?"
God-Queen Celestia: "A solid backward temporal shift of 48 hours. Since the prison around us wasn't there yet, I'd be free to get out, get to Canterlot, gather help, and get back here to free you after 48 hours to avoid a paradox."
God-Queen Luna: "Marvelous! Then enact plan B post-haste!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Actually, the false tooth is plan J. I'd rather save it for a last resort - understand, it can only be used once before enemies start expecting it."
God-Queen Luna: "...Then what is your current plan?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Simple: Wait to be rescued by one of our many competent allies."
God-Queen Luna: "I am starting to believe that I hate your plans."
God-Queen Celestia: "Hey, they work, don't they?"
At the edge of the Hellmouth Forest:
Rarity: "Well, despite the unseemly infestation of DVDs, I must say this situation is reminiscent of certain more positive memories. Remember, not so long ago we were standing at this very spot, about to engage in an epic adventure to save the world. In a sense, this is where our friendship began."
Twilight: "I mostly remember that this is where I tried to solo an adventure module meant for six players, like an idiot. Not realizing that we had to do things together."
Rarity: "Twilight… Are you… fishing for reassurance? Are your royal duties, perhaps, getting to you a bit more than you'd like to admit?"
Twilight: "Everything's fine! Or at least, it will be once we free her Momjesty!"
Rainbow Dash: "And Whatsherface!"
Twilight: "Right, and Luna, too."
Twilight: "All right, everypony. I don't need to tell you all how dangerous the Hellmouth is. Keeps your eyes open. Watch in front of you. Watch behind you. Watch above you. Watch beside you. Watch…"
Rockodile: "Watch your step?"
Twilight: "That, too."
Rockodile: "WATCH THE INSIDE OF MY STOMACH!"
Twilight: "Evade-evade-evade!" *fails to evade*
Applejack: "DEATH TA MINERAL REPTILES!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: *flawless victory!*
Twilight: "Oh jeez. I kept trying for a last-second dodge, and instead of teleporting, I instinctively tried to fly away. I think my combat reflexes got a bit messed up by the physical changes."
Applejack: "So… ye're in the middle o'tha Hellmouth Forest… while it's bein' even Hellier than usual… and ye're not functionin' at full capacity?"
Applejack: "..."
Applejack: "Twilight? Er… Ah think maybe ya ought ta sit this one out."
Twilight: "Beg your bucking pardon?!"
Applejack: "No offense, but Ah'm just sayin'… It's too risky, is all."
Twilight: "I am Twilight Sparkle, Savior of Worlds! I'm the fighting pony, Megamare! I have faced more risks in the past couple years alone than ten average ponies do in their entire lives! I soloed the Tartarus quest! I've traveled through time! I went to another dimension to stop Sunset Shimmer! I have led this crazy squad through thick and thin!"
Applejack: "Ah ain't denyin' any o'that, but… ye're also a God-Queen in training. With Celestia an' Luna gone, an' Cadence kinda busy, ye're next in line ta lead tha country. Equestria might need ya in tha comin' days."
Rarity: "Applejack, please! I appreciate your good intentions, but you are being rather inconsiderate, don't you think? Besides, it is not as if no pony in Canterlot will be able to step in and fill the power vacuum. There's Fancy Pants, there's prince Blueblood OH CELESTIA TWILIGHT YOU MUST RETURN TO CANTERLOT AT ONCE!"
Twilight: "Butbutbut… The Rainbow Deathray! It needs all six of us to fire! How exactly are you planning to save the Tree of Harmony without me?!"
Rainbow Dash: "Uh, hello? We're awesome. We'll figure something out. Besides, we've only used that thing to save the day, like, twice. Didn't use it against Chrysalis, or Trixie, or Sombra…"
Twilight: "It was used against Sunset Shimmer!"
Rainbow Dash: "Solo quests in other dimensions don't count!"
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "...You seriously want me gone?"
Fluttershy: "No, it's just… We think Equestria needs you more than we do."
Spike: "Twilight, what's that breaking sound coming from your chest area? Are you hurt?"
Ebon Dragon: "Do you know what it is about you that forces my respect, Gummy? It is the way you give absolutely no fucks." *uses Gummy as claw-trimmer*
Gummy: *gives no fucks*
Twilight: "Fuck my life."
Ebon Dragon: "Hey there, Miss 'My Name Is Also My Solar Caste'! How did the epic quest go?"
Twilight: "It's still going on, if you must know. My friends agreed that Equestria needed my leadership more than my badassitude."
Ebon Dragon: "I-"
Twilight: "Oh, and if you say word one to try to turn me against my friends based on this, I will find a way to turn you into a G3 version of yourself."
Ebon Dragon: "Perish the thought! No, your friends made a reasonable call. I'm just surprised you went along with it. I didn't have you pegged as the royal privilege type."
Twilight: "This isn't about royal privilege! It's just that my country needs me!"
Ebon Dragon: "Well, I will take your word of it. If you think it's in Equestria's benefit to be ruled by a God-Queen who put her personal safety before that of others, who am I to poke holes in that logic? After all, it's not like the decisions and choices you make over a lifetime define your character or anything. Not like this is the first step toward becoming Tyrant Twilight. Or like a lifetime unburdened by mortality will provide many, many opportunities for such steps."
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Into the woods without regret!
The choice is made, the task is set!
Into the woods, but not forget-
-Ting why I'm on the journey!"
Spike: "Twilight, c'mon. I know the Ebon Dragon technically isn't a Creature Of Darkness anymore, but he's not exactly Lawful Good, either. He's probably just trying to manipulate you into doing something stupid!"
Twilight: "Or maybe that's what he wants me to think, or maybe that's what he wants me to think that he wants me to think, or maybe it's something else yet! If I'm not good enough to predict him, then I should just go with what I otherwise think is right!"
Rainbow Dash: "Are we there yet?"
Applejack: "Nope.
Rainbow Dash: "Are we there yet?"
Applejack: "Nope.
Rainbow Dash: "Are we there yet?"
Applejack: "Nope.
Rainbow Dash: "Celestiadammit, how many times do I need to ask before you say yes?!"
Applejack: "Hopefully none, 'cause Ah'm gonna guess that silvery bluish light comin' from that cave full o'DVDs is tha Tree o'Harmony."
Rainbow Dash: "Hm. Sounds legit."
Twilight: "Mom dammit, where did the rest of the squad go? Gah, this is the worst of both worlds - I'm lost in the Hellmouth, and separated from my friends!"
Spike: "Ahem."
Twilight: "Present company excepted."
Spike: "Well, your present company will try to gain some altitude and see if I can spot the others."
Twilight: "Er, why? I have wings, you know. I could fly up there."
Spike: "Between the crazy fauna and flora in this place, and how clumsy you are in flight? I'm guessing you'll be safer on the ground."
Spike: *climbs up*
Spike: *spots Elemental Harmony Squad*
Spike: "Jackpot! Twilight, we-"
Twilight: *is assaulted by ground-level vegetation*
Spike: "I… occasionally guess wrong?"
Applejack: "Well… If anythin' in this crazy forest is tha Tree o'Harmony, Ah'm gonna guess it's this."
Tree of Harmony: *getting surprise tentacle buttsecks from DVDs*
Fluttershy: "My goodness! I'm more of a zoology expert, but, this doesn't look good."
Applejack: "Then let's smite non-goodness!"
Applejack: *plant-smiter!*
DVDs: *unimpressed*
Rainbow Dash: "Move aside - let a real badass handle it!"
Rainbow Dash: *mare of action!*
DVDs: *smite pony!*
Rarity: "All right, I believe we have convincingly established that plain physical force will not resolve this matter."
Applejack: "Yeah, well, what are ya gonna do, whine it ta death?"
Rarity: "I… don't think social attacks are applicable."
Pinkie Pie: "GASP! That rules out Fluttershy and me, too!"
Fluttershy: "So… what we need is someone smart enough to figure out a way to solve this. Or at least, someone with whom we can fire the Rainbow Deathray."
Applejack: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rarity: "..."
Pinkie Pie: "..."
Fluttershy: "We were idiots, and we surrounded her."
Spike: "YOU GUYS YOU GUYS YOU GUYS! Twilight! Plants! Blue meanies!"
Gas Plants: *gang up on Twilight*
Daring Do Theme: *suddenly playing*
Applejack: "Get away from 'er, you BITCHES!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: *PONIES GONNA PWN!*
Pinkie Pie: "Woo! Flawless victory!"
Last Gas Plant: "Not flawless." *strikes…*
Twilight: *plasma buster!*
Twilight: *cough* "Flawless… victory." *cough*
Applejack: "Goodness, Twilight, you OK? What kinda gas were those things blowin' at ya?"
Twilight: "Nitrogen gas, mostly."
Applejack: "...Is that harmful?"
Twilight: "Well, 80% of the air we breathe is nitrogen. That was just a higher concentration."
Applejack: "Then why did it knock ya out?"
Twilight: "The other 20% is supposed to be mostly oxygen."
Applejack: "...Oh."
Twilight: "So, yeah. Really glad to have you girls around."
Rarity: "I assure you, darling, the sentiment is mutual. Be we facing dark goddesses, dickish Yozis, Unseelie queens, Dark Vines of Death, or mere sleepovers, you remain a vital member of our group."
Rainbow Dash: "Yeah! Screw Equestria, we need you more!"
Fluttershy: "Group hug!"
Twilight: "So. This is the Tree of Harmony."
Applejack: "Matches tha description from yer flashback, ta tha very least."
Twilight: "And these Dark Vines of Death…" *hovers closer*
DVDs: *SURPRISE TENTACLE B-*
Twilight: "BAD TOUCH!" *plasma buster!*
Twilight: "Hm…"
Rainbow Dash: "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's deathray these fuckers!"
Twilight: "Wouldn't work."
Rainbow Dash: "...You just suggested rainbows don't solve everything. You take that back."
Twilight: "Remember how the DVDs were able to disrupt Rarity's magic? I think I'm grasping the mechanics of it. It's like these things were specifically designed to counter powerful magic, turning it against itself - and the effect is strongest here. Heck, those things could probably give her Momjesty trouble."
Twilight: "I can plasma-buster them from the outside for a little bit, but… The Rainbow Deathray, for all its showy, nuke-y power, affects things internally. Inside those things, it would just… fizzle."
Applejack: "But if even our strongest superweapon canna do crap, then what do we do?!"
Twilight: "Actually… I suspect the Tree of Harmony's own defense mechanism should be enough to handle this. It's just that it's run out of fuel."
Twilight: "...Meaning that we need to refuel it. By returning the Elements of Harmony whence they came."
Rainbow Dash: "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! You want us to lose the super-special-awesome superweapon we've used to save Equestria three times, counting Sunset Shimmer?!"
Rarity: "You want us to lose the only thing known to ponykind that can overpower the Ebon Dragon?!"
Applejack: "Ya want us ta lose tha thing that made us BFFs?!"
Twilight: "The Elements of Harmony are what got us together in the first place. But you know what? If it had just been that, we wouldn't have been able to use them."
Twilight: "You know what my best memory of our first night together is? It wasn't unlocking unimaginable cosmic power and using it to nuke Night Mare Moon - that would come in third position, after realizing you were all my friends, and reuniting with her Momj - with Celestia. Nuking the Ebon Dragon? Important, but not as joyful as reuniting with my friends."
Twilight: "Things change. Life throws you curveballs. The status quo gets pulled from under your feet. My new royal duties? Oh, they're gonna test our friendship. Put it through mid-terms, finals, and more. But we're going to stay friends, with or without a multicolored merchandisable superweapon!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "D'awww!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: *hoof over Elements of Harmony*
Twilight: "All right! Let's end this!"
DVDs: *SURPRISE TENTA-*
Twilight Sparkle, Savior of Worlds: "BLUE-RAY, BITCHES!" *RETURNS ELEMENTS!*
TREE OF HARMONY FTW!
Twilight: "Well! That's one problem solved. Now we…"
God-Queens Celestia and Luna: *are there!*
Twilight: "...And that's every problem solved!" *God-Queen hug!*
God-Queen Celestia: "Splendidly done. I didn't even teach you the lesson about knowing when to relinquish power - you learned that all on your own, on the fly! I can't tell you how proud I am of you. All of you."
Twilight: "I'm just so glad you're all right and Blueblood will never rise above 28th in line for the throne!"
Twilight: "...Wait. My magic sense is tingling."
Tree of Harmony, who cannot talk: "IN THE NAME OF TWILIGHT. IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA. IN THE NAME OF LUNA. BEHOLD."
Magic Box: *appears*
Twilight: "Pony what."
God-Queen Luna: "A box with six locks, presumably requiring six keys. Well, the implications are obvious enough, but where are the keys?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Don't look at me, I'm not omniscient (despite some appearances to the contrary). But I'm glad to see that you have a new team project. Epic quests are good for Equestria."
Twilight: "I suppose."
Twilight: "I'm just… sorry the plans for the Summer Sun Celebration got messed up, I guess?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Oh, hardly, Twilight."
Twilight: "Well, we're kinda past the time-"
God-Queen Celestia: "Twilight, we control the seasons and celestial objects. We decide when the Summer Sun starts, in pretty much every way."
Twilight: "...Point taken."
And thus, as they exit the Hellmouth…
Ebon Dragon: "Hail the conquering heroes! The heroes who, for some strange, mysterious reason that I totally didn't see coming, are not currently equipped with the superweapon that I was previously defeated with. Why, this raises certain interesting possibili-"
Fluttershy: "Shut up and sit down."
Ebon Dragon: "Wha-"
Fluttershy: "Shut up and sit down."
Ebon Dragon: "But I-"
Fluttershy: "Shut up and sit down."
Ebon Dragon: "I am-"
Fluttershy: "Shut up and sit down."
Ebon Dragon: "..."
Ebon Dragon: "Can I just-"
Fluttershy: "Shut up and sit down."
Ebon Dragon: *shuts up and sits down*
Fluttershy: "With or without a superweapon, you're still my bitch. Mostly because I'm the only person who actually likes you. If you wanna change that, you're gonna have to keep on learning to behave like a friend, even without the threat of petrification."
Ebon Dragon: "...Freaking Zenith Castes."
Applejack: "One thing Ah don't get… why did that whole mess start now?"
Ebon Dragon: "Yeah, that was weird. Those seeds of Discord I sowed should have sprouted ages ago."
Twilight: "ANGRY PONY WHAT."
Ebon Dragon: "Back when Celly and Luna came with their big honking super-weapon? I didn't think it could beat me, but I figured it'd be funnier if it just fizzled completely. So I planted some express-seeds to grow toward the Tree of Harmony, disrupt it so the Elements couldn't call on its power, and then, jump out of the ground to catch the alicorn sisters, Jaws-style. It would have been hilarious!"
Ebon Dragon: "Buuuuuuut, I might have underestimated the power of Harmony, just a tad. The DVDs couldn't breach the tree's protective field…"
Twilight: "...until it was temporarily weakened even further, because one of the Elements of Harmony was taken to another dimension for several days!"
Ebon Dragon: "And bingo was his name-o!"
Twilight: "YOU COULD HAVE TOLD US HOURS AGO, YOU DICK!"
Ebon Dragon: "Really? Because, looking at Celly, I was under the impression that retaining information in order to position you into learning a valuable lesson about friendship and being a God-Queen was A-OK."
Twilight: "Hate you. SO. MUCH."
Summer Sun Celebration:
God-Queen Celestia: "Citizens of Equestria, new immigrants, and assorted tourists! It is with great joy that I raise the Summer Sun - not in celebration of Night Mare Moon's defeat (seriously, Night Mare Night is way more than enough), but of the return of my awesome sister whom you should all be spending more time getting to know: God-Queen Luna!"
God-Queen Luna: *Moon down! Moon down!*
God-Queen Celestia: *Celestia Invicta!*
Twilight Sparkle, PhD: "All right… Let's see just how much XP I got from this quest…"
Twilight Sparkle: PhD: *Sonic Mageboom!*
Rainbow Dash: "That was so awesome, I'm not even jealous."
People of Equestria: "Wheee! Rising number of God-Queens! We feel safer already!"
Twilight Sparkle, PhD: "You know what? I got a good feeling about the future."
"...and I've started research to figure out the magic box. Love, your Little Sister Best Friend Forever."
Captain Equestria: "The letter ends here."
Sergeant Redcoat: "Let me get this straight: You encountered a Yozi-based problem with enough power to abduct the God-Queens and seriously mess up the natural order… and it literally got resolved in less than 24 hours?"
Captain Equestria: "That's the gist of it."
Sergeant Redcoat: "...Equestria has come a long away."
Captain Equestria: "At ease, sergeant. As the highest-ranking survivor of the Crystal Army following Sombra's purge, it only makes sense that you'd be the pony to help us update the Empire's defenses."
Cadance: "And we can hardly expect you to do that without getting you up to speed."
Sergeant Redcoat: "Right! I remember that Sombra took over in the middle of a war with Tambelon, while everyone who could have stopped him was busy fighting Grogar. I assume we won."
Captain Equestria: "Yes. And the time after that, too. Grogar just won't stay down, regrettably."
Sergeant Redcoat: "Sounds like him. Still, in the short term, I suppose I'm more concerned about those Squirk cults around Innshoof…"
Captain Equestria: "Oh, don't worry about that. They all died down after Squirk was imprisoned in Tartarus."
Sergeant Redcoat: "Oh. Good to hear. Well, there's the matter of draconic raids…"
Captain Equestria: "None to speak of in the past two centuries - what God-Queen Celestia did to Tiamat sent a strong message. The closest thing to a raid we've had in living memory was a young dragon going through hyper-accelerated puberty followed by a psychotic rampage within our borders, and that ended with zero casualties."
Sergeant Redcoat: "Huh. OK, good. In that case, the next greatest concern should be dark wizards…"
Captain Equestria: "Four of those in the past two years. Sombra, Darth Trixie, Sunset Shimmer, Magic Eight-Ball…"
Sergeant Redcoat: "Wait, what?! The place used to be crawling with these guys! One per month was considered a quiet year!"
Sergeant Redcoat: "Ahem. Anyway… There were those gigantic transforming anthropomorphic metal creatures…"
Captain Equestria: "Peace treaty with the surviving faction."
Sergeant Redcoat: "The sociopathic bunnycat hive mind…"
Captain Equestria: "Have declared the entire planet a 'do not go' zone."
Captain Equestria: "The Simurgh…"
Captain Equestria: "Stuck in a time-loop."
Sergeant Redcoat: "The winged stone entities that moved when no-one was looking…"
Captain Equestria: "Covered in burning tar. Then the God-Queen looked away."
Sergeant Redcoat: "...OK, seriously, what happened while we were gone?! Did you guys exterminate each and every threat to ponykind while we weren't looking?!"
Captain Equestria: "Well… There's still the Cutie Mark Crusaders."
Sergeant Redcoat: *shivers* "Wait, they're real? I thought they were a myth!"
PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Rainbow Dash: "All right. Since you've finished getting used to being a pony again, let's see about those flight lessons. Tame the air, Twi!"
Twilight Sparkle, PhD: *crashes into tree*
Fluttershy: "Huh. Usually, that tree eats kites."
Applejack: "Keep workin' on it, yer majesty. Ah'm sure ya'll master it in no time."
Twilight: "Applejack, please. Just call me Twilight."
Rarity: "Twilight, really. Modesty among royalty is unbecoming."
Twilight: "My friends, you bow to no-one. Except her Momjesty, but that's another story."
Twilight: "And frankly, I need you girls as a stabilizing influence, with everything else in my life being a bit weird these days. Heck, I'd eagerly delay the flight lessons, if her Momjesty wasn't expecting me to play an aerial role for the Summer Sun Celebration."
Rainbow Dash: "Which means we're on a schedule! So get up there, and show gravity who's boss!"
Twilight: "All right…" *Twilight vs. Gravity: Round #who's counting?*
Gravity: "YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE LAST OF ME!" *swings the planet at Twilight's face*
Pinkie Pie: "Woo! You're almost as great a crasher as Rainbow Dash!"
Twilight: "Royal duties, thy name is pain."
Canterlot Castle:
Stained glass: *sings Twilight's glory*
Twilight: "Well, this is… definitely not awkward?"
Rarity: "Whyever would it be awkward, darling? Why, completing the most advanced spell in the world, rewriting one's own destiny, achieving apotheosis, being crowned God-Queen, and earning the well-deserved adoration of the people is everypony's dream!"
Rainbow Dash: "...You're a pro at this whole 'jecting' business, aren't you?"
Pinkie Pie: "I'm a pro chocolate-eater! And cake-eater! And cookie-eater! And..." *drools*
Applejack: "Anyway, fer tha sake o'exposition, Ah'll be remindin' y'all that tha non-nobility among us pretty much got put in charge o'tha local Ponyville Summer Sun Celebration. Since, y'know, tha mayor canna fudge it without Twilight's bureaucracy powers."
Twilight:
Applejack: "Why tha long face?"
Twilight: "Equine."
Applejack: "Ya done did that joke already."
Twilight: "You know what I haven't done yet? Ditch all my very best friends like this. We met preparing for the Summer Sun Celebration. That we now won't be spending it together feels… unpleasantly symbolic. Like it's representing a new direction for the show that I don't care for one bit."
Applejack: "Well, Ah wouldn't worry too much, yer Twilightness. See this stained glass mural? See what it represents? Us bein' united by tha freakin' Elements o'Harmony. When tha Rainbow Deathray says ye're BFFs, there ain't no royal or divine duties that can take that away. Ain't it so, gals?"
Rarity: "Certainly."
Rainbow Dash: "You bet!"
Fluttershy: "M-hm."
Pinkie Pie: "...and MMMMs, and chocolate-dipped honey-glazed sugar balls, and…"
Fluttershy: "You should take that as a yes." [/actual dialog]
At the train station:
Pinkie Pie: "...and we'll give you so many details about the party, it'll be just as if you'd been there!"
Pinkie Pie: "...No, really. I'm trying to build some kinda virtual-reality helmet for that. It'd be a lot easier with unicorn magic, though."
Rainbow Dash: "And Derpy received 'Daring Do and the Muffin Idol' before we left, so she won't be visiting the library during your short absence."
Twilight: "Hopefully that's enough."
Train: *departs*
Twilight: "...I'm not sure if it's my emotional insecurities or my plot-sense talking here, but I already feel like I'm missing something."
Mailpony: "Letter for Doctor Twilight, PhD!"
Letter: "Dear Twilight - you aren't missing anything! Your friend, Pinkie Pie." [/actual letter]
Twilight: "Ah, Pinkie. That classic mix of awesome and kinda terrifying when you dwell on it."
Spike: "And check, and check, and check. Well, what do you know! Between the everflowing XP, the hordes of bureaucrats at your service, and your exceptionally competent number one assistant, we're actually ahead of schedule!"
Twilight: "I knew spending XP on 'Speed The Wheels' was a good investment."
Spike: "You know, with the free time that leaves us, we could actually stop by Ponyville before the celebration proper, if it makes you feel better…"
Twilight: "NO! We need every little bit of safety margin we can get! What if there's an unseelie invasion delaying us? What if that chrono-spell I used once has time-delayed consequences that will activate any moment now and accelerate time? What if it turns out that her Momjesty has a hidden task for me that she couldn't let anyone else know about, so she encrypted it in my current task list and now I need to decode it? What if…"
Spike: "...what if you have recently added several new muscles to your body, and haven't yet noticed what they do when you get too nervous?"
Twilight: "Yeah, what about tha-" *flies into ceiling*
Spike: "Wings: Slapstick for every occasion!"
Twilight: "Owch. But, my point still stands! This is my first official royal duty, barring black ops like the Sunset Shimmer mission! I can't disappoint her Momjesty on this!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Twilight, if Equestria received one copper bit every time you disappointed me, and one gold bit every time you were worried about disappointing me, their respective scarcity ratio would by now be inversed."
Twilight and Spike: *Kneel! Kneel before God!*
God-Queen Celestia: "You, my friends, bow to no-one. Unless you really want to, but seriously, no need."
Twilight: "Eh-heh. Sorry about that."
God-Queen Celestia: "Quite all right, Twilight. You're effectively immortal, and I trust you'll learn to think of me as an equal in time."
God-Queen Celestia: "In the meanwhile, I must say that it's wonderful to actually be looking forward to the Summer Sun Celebration this time around."
Twilight: "Beg your pardon?"
God-Queen Celestia: "To Equestria at large, the SSC is a celebration of the longest day of the summer, and the defeat of the dark goddess Night Mare Moon. To me, it's always been a reminder of my greatest failure - of how I had to nuke my own sister into space. A reminder of how I lost the only person I still had left from my pre-God-Queen days. Well, unless you count Mimic and her letters."
Twilight: "So… All those SSC celebrations… The reason you always fly upward with the Sun at your back isn't just because it looks epic."
God-Queen Celestia: "That's just a bonus. Mostly, it's to keep my face shadowed long enough that I can boil and evaporate the tears before anyone sees them."
Twilight: "Oh…"
God-Queen Celestia: "...But thanks to you, now I can treat it as a celebration of my reunion with my sister, so I no longer need to put on a brave face for everypony! Have I mentioned that I'm grateful for that lately? Because I'm grateful for that."
God-Queen Celestia: "Anyway… I imagine leaving your Ponyville friends behind today is difficult, even if it's necessary to ease the population into the political transition. Now, Twilight, I may no longer be your thesis adviser… but I hope you know that I will always remain a friend to whom you may go for advice. And, hopefully, vice-versa."
Twilight:
Mailpony: "Letter for Doctor Twilight, PhD!"
Twilight: "What the…?"
Meanwhile, back in Ponyville:
Pinkie Pie: "...and I sent her a line of confetti she can snort!"
Applejack: "Ye're the only pony who does that, Pinkie. And Ah thought ya were in rehab fer it."
Pinkie Pie: "It's true! It's true! I do have a problem!"
In Canterlot:
God-Queen Celestia: "Hm. Perhaps I ought to check on your friend's rehabilitation sometimes soon."
Twilight: "You and me both, your Momjesty."
Twilight: "Anyway: Spike, where were we?"
Spike: "About to punch the clock?"
Twilight: "Go over the checklist one more time, you say? Brilliant idea!"
Spike: "As usual, my genius gets ignored."
God-Queen Celestia: "I see the situation is in good hooves. Good night, you two."
God-Queen Celestia: *walks away*
God-Queen Celestia: *not asking for trouble*
God-Queen Celestia: *except, you now, by being God-Queen of this sick, deranged Death World*
Dark Vine of Death, which cannot talk: "DEICIDE TIME!"
Later:
Spike: "Finally. After many years of grueling work, terrible dangers, amazing adventures, and herculean effort, I have completed The Final Checklist. Never again will I need to touch another one of these-"
Twilight: "Spike! Wake up from your nonsensical dreams and face the nonsensical reality!"
Spike: "Ugh. What time is it?"
Twilight: "That's… a distressingly good question."
Sky: *is divided into a day half and a night half*
Spike: "What the quartz?! What the heck is that?! And how can half the sky be dark with the Sun right there?! Shouldn't it be diffracting the blue wavelengths of the Sun's light?"
Twilight: "No, that's just how air and sunlight used to work. Some popular old texts still refer to that, hence the common misconception. See, when reality was rebooted to make nature controllable, the atmosphere had to be reprogrammed so it wouldn't do anything on its own. That's why winds and clouds only happen when pegasi influence the process, for example. Same with light: The air particles only diffract sunlight when the Sun is closer than the Moon, because that's the program underlying our carefully-molded physical reality."
Spike: "Now I know!"
Twilight: "And knowing is half the battle! ...Now let's take care of the sucky half."
Streets of Canterlot: "The world has gone mad(der)!" "I'm selling all my stock market shares! Again!" "Everypony panic in an orderly fashion!" "Let's ask the new God-Queen! She'll know what to do!"
Twilight: "Oh, manure. I'm surrounded by idiots!"
Guard Pony: "Doctor Twilight! You are requested at the palace!"
Twilight: "Whew. Saved by the bell!"
Castle of Canterlot:
Twilight: "All right. So, please, fill me in! Why are her Momjesty and her sister pulling these… rather unconventional astrobatics?"
Guard Pony: "Actually… they're not. God-Queen Celestia and God-Queen Luna are both MIA."
Twilight: "Pony what."
Spike: "We're doomed!" *faints*
Guard Pony: "So… What are your orders?"
Twilight: "My orders?"
Guard Pony: "We're the Royal Guard! With Celestia and Luna missing, and Cadence far up North, that leaves you as the highest-ranking on-site nobility, effectively making you the acting commander in chief!"
Twilight: "Pony what."
Spike: "We're doomed!" *faints*
Guard Pony: "So… Any advice? We're kinda hoping that PhD comes in handy somewhere in this."
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: *leader mode!*
Twilight: "Maintain a city-wide search for the missing royalty. Expand beyond the city if needed. Maintain patrols, and keep the population from panicking. Make reassuring statements about semi-related matters, like we still have the situation under control. For now, we need to prevent total panic."
Guard Pony: "Yes, your highness!"
Spike: "Well, well, well. I guess all that time leading the Elemental Harmony Squad paid off, eh?"
Twilight: "I'd like to think so!"
Other Guard Pony: "Your highness! Terrible news from Ponyville! The Hellmouth is opening! The Everfree Forest is invading!"
Twilight: "Pony what."
Spike: "We're doomed!" *faints*
Animals of Ponyville's surroundings: *have taken refuge in Fluttershy's cottage*
Fluttershy: "My goodness, what's got you so scared?"
Fluttershy: *takes a look outside*
Dark Vines of Death: "SURPRISE TENTACLE BUTTSECKS!"
Fluttershy: "...Let's all move to the volcanoes. Worst they have is dragons."
Sweet Apple Acre: *Dark Vine of Deathinvasion!*
Applejack: "Celestiadammit, just fer once, just fer once, Ah'd like ta complete a harvest cycle without making tha insurance provider cry!"
Up in the sky!
It's a bird!
It's a plane!
No, it's… Rainbow Dash, getting her flank kicked by invulnerable spiky clouds of doom shooting lightning like Zeus on crack!
Rainbow Dash: "Augh! When did 'weatherpony' turn into 'bullet hell'?!"
At the Carousel Boutique:
Dark Vines of Death used MAGIC SCRAMBLING!
It's SUPER-EFFECTIVE!
Rarity: "Why is the sky suddenly bipolar, and why is my magic attempting murder on my cat?"
Rarity: "Let's see… Saint MacGyver, give me strength…" *shorts own horn out with saliva*
Rarity: "So the enzymes in saliva do conduct magic. Myth confirmed!"
Opal: *glare*
Rarity: "...Wasn't me, I swear."
Opal, who cannot talk: "Sleep with one eye open, bitch."
Sweetie Belle: "Rarity, help! My magic's gone all scrambled and it won't stoooop!"
Scrambled magic: *animates drape*
Animated drape: "I AM THE GHOST OF PARADISE ESTATE!"
Rarity: "That's… never a good sign."
Twilight: "All right. I'm not sure what to do about the missing God-Queens, but a Hellmouth invasion sounds like a job for the Elemental Harmony Squad. Come on, Spike - if we hurry, there is a small, minuscule, non-zero chance that we might be able to catch the last train for Baltimare, and commandeer it to go to Ponyville instead!"
Spike: "Or - hear this genius idea for a moment - we could use your wings."
Twilight: "Genius idea accepted! Prepare to enter the danger zone!"
Some time later:
Spike: "This may have been a less than genius idea!" *buckles seat belt*
Twilight: "...When did you get a seat belt that could be attached to a pony?"
Spike: "Within a day of your getting wings. I'm not stupid."
Twilight: "Well, here's the Ponyville library! Prepare for landing!"
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "It is occurring to me, a few seconds too late, that I might be modelling my landing technique on Rainbow Dash."
Spike: "MAYDAY! INCOMING WINDOW!"
Twilight: *teleport-crash!*
Spike: *window crash!*
Spike: "Just call me… Blue Screen Of Death…"
Twilight: "So so sorry, Spike. I guess with the extra mass of my wings, my spur-of-the-moment teleport spell felt like it was including you."
Spike: "Wings: Slapstick for every occasion. Ow."
Pinkie Pie: "So, fearless leader? Kiiiinda having weed trouble here, and-"
*twitchy-twitch!*
Pinkie Pie: *dodges Dark Vine of Death*
Meanwhile, in another dimension:
Pinkie Pie: "Wow! Those DVDs are nasty! Thanks for accidentally taking that hit for me, Sunny!"
Sunset Shimmer: "What… are friends for?"
Pinkie Pie: "Aw, that's nice of you to say."
Sunset Shimmer: "No, seriously. What are they for?" *tries to scrape self off floor*
Applejack: "Pour la République!" *guillotines Dark Vine of Death*
Applejack: "So, turns out ya canna stay outta Ponyville fer long, otherwise this kinda crap starts happenin'."
Rarity: "But, thankfully, we can assume our illustrious God-Queen Celestia has sent you here to investigate the current crisis."
Twilight: "Well, actually… I'm sure she would have?"
Rarity: "Beg your pardon?"
Twilight: "In fact, if the multiple-world interpretation of quantum physics is correct, it's practically guaranteed that there's at least one universe where that did happen!"
Rarity: "I'm not sure I follow."
Twilight: "And really, is her spirit not always with us, guiding our every action? Isn't the culture that has shaped us, and thus our decisions, the work of her long and hard social engineering? So can not every act we make in the defense of Equestria be considered to be done at her behest, however indirectly?"
Rarity: "I'm afraid I must request clarification, my dear."
Twilight: "Well, I suppose what I'm trying to say in a kinda-sorta roundabout way is that…"
Spike: "CELESTIA AND LUNA ARE MIA!"
Rarity: "LE GASP!"
Applejack: "SAY IT AIN'T SO!"
Pinkie Pie: "That's… not funny."
Fluttershy: *faints*
Rainbow Dash: "HELL AND DAMNATION, WE ARE DONE FOR!"
Twilight: "So, I figured I'd come back here, get the squad together, break out the superweapon, and nuke the problem."
Applejack: "BFFs an' Rainbow Deathrays. All is right in that world."
Applejack: "Well, 'cept fer tha missing God-Queens. Any idea on who we need ta nuke ta right that part?"
Twilight: "Uh, hello? Messed-up cycle of day and night, weather patterns that look like Dali on drugs, unnatural vegetation… Do I really need to spell it out loud?"
Twilight: "All right, squad. Use the summoning formation. Which, conveniently, is also the execution formation."
Elemental Harmony Squad: *POWER OVERWHELMING!*
Elemental Harmony Squad: *UNLEASH RAINBOW DEATHRAY!*
Elemental Harmony Squad: *...and get some frequent flyer miles*
Ebon Dragon: "Let's get down to business
To find her - the One!
Is there any stallion
With whom she'll - have fun?
They're the saddest bunch we've ever met
But you can bet - before we're through
Sister I'll find a stallion for you!"
Ebon Dragon: "...Wait. Where did the echo of the Chaos Cave go?"
Ebon Dragon: "...Oh."
Twilight: "Ebon Dragon, you are charged with gross violation of the natural order with intent to laugh, and multiple counts of godnapping. Let the old-school God-Queens go, and we'll let you plea bargain!"
Ebon Dragon: "OK, see, while I'm flattered that you're giving me the credit, I'm afraid I haven't done anything of the sort lately. Unless you count other universes. Believe me, kidnapping Big Brother took creativity."
Rainbow Dash: "Minotaur manure! You think we don't recognize your lame-flank style?!"
Pinkie Pie: "Yeah! We don't have time for your stupid jokes! This is serious business!"
Ebon Dragon: "Come on, now! I thought we were friends! Would I lie to you?"
Twilight: "Affirmative. And you're Fluttershy's friend. Not mine."
Applejack: "Oh yes ya would, ya ragin' soulhole."
Rainbow Dash: "YES, you draconequus scum!"
Rarity: "You most definitely would, you despicable ruffian!"
Pinkie Pie: "Totally, you jerk!"
Fluttershy: "...Maybe, if it was funny?"
Ebon Dragon: "Well then! It seems we're at an impasse. What do friends do in this sort of situation?"
Ebon Dragon: "I'm asking because, you know, you've recently gotten yourself promoted to God-Queen of Friendship, so supposedly you're the number one expert in the field. Congrats on the promotion, by the way - I like seeing the status quo upended like that!"
Twilight: "Well, ideally, friends would sit down, have a long, serious talk, reconsider assumptions, try to come up with a reasonable compromise…"
Rainbow Dash: "...but since we're not friends and we hate your face, we'll just stone you! ...Also, we're in a bit of a hurry here, so, RAINBOW DEATHRAY!"
Fluttershy: "WAAAAIT! What if… and I know it's kinda out there, but bear with me - what if, just for once, he is telling the truth? I mean, God-Queen Celestia wanted him free for a reason, right?"
Twilight: "FINE. We'll take a chance on this. Eddy, who do you think is responsible for this?"
Ebon Dragon: "Instead of asking the guy you've been Dreyfussing all this time, how about you ask the gal you used to Dreyfus instead?"
Zecora: "Though a full metal zebra yours truly may be
The rage of the Hellmouth has forced me to… run away
The forest's become so wild and chaotic
The plants are deranged, and weather's… psycho."
Twilight: "That non-rhyme was pretty weak."
Zecora: "Well excuuuse me, princess! I'm in a bit of a state of shock here!"
Twilight: "Fair enough. Do you have any idea what caused this?"
Zecora: "Nnnnnooooo…"
Twilight: "Buck."
Zecora: "...buuuuut I think I know how to find out."
Twilight: "You're the best. Well, second-best after her Momjesty. What have you got?"
Zecora: "This is… something I've been holding onto for a rainy day. Or just a plain shitty day, like right now. It's called The Milk of Time."
Pinkie Pie: "Doesn't look very milky!"
Zecora: "Well, no. That's because it's incomplete. Basically, it's a flashback potion. It lets you see specific events in the past relating to what you want to find out more about."
Twilight: "Sounds… really powerful, actually. I mean, it'd have to comb through space and time to find something specifically related to something that's happening right now. That's not exactly run-of-the-mill magic you're talking about."
Zecora: "Correct. And that's why it's incomplete: You need divine magic to empower it."
Twilight: "Then we're well and truly bucked! How are we supposed to find a god to help us now?!"
Zecora: "..."
Applejack: "..."
Rarity: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Pinkie Pie: "..."
Fluttershy: "..."
Twilight: "Oh."
Rarity: "All right, then. I suppose we'll need some time for you to research the correct spell to achieve this, as soon as you are done analyzing Zecora's notes, and hopefully by then you can- You're already done, aren't you."
Twilight: "Archmage."
Rarity: "But of course."
Twilight: *drinks half the flashback potion*
FLASHBACK!
Twilight: "OK, let's see. The God-Queens disappeared a few hours ago, so…"
God-Queen Luna: "Not. Another. Step. Bitch."
Twilight: "...shortly before their disappearance. Got it."
God-Queen Luna: "Did you really think I was going to play second fiddle forever?! Did you really think I was going to let all my hard work go unappreciated?! Did you really think that I was going to let them all worship you and your stupid thermonuclear fireball?!"
Twilight: "Uh…"
God-Queen Luna: "Well, THINK AGAIN, BUCKO! I say it's time for some good old-fashioned monotheism! All shall love me and despair!"
God-Queen Luna: *TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART!*
God-Queen Luna: "BEHOLD THE POWER OF DARKNESS!"
God-Queen Luna: *NIGHT MARE MOON!*
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "OK… either the situation is even more bucked up than I'd realized, or this 'flash' has a lot of 'back' into it."
Night Mare Moon: "Tonight begins a glorious new dark age! A thousand-year rule, followed by another thousand-year rule, then another, and another, and another! Eternal darkness for everypony!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Hahaha NO. Molly… Luna? You're being unreasonable. Stop it. Stop being unreasonable."
Night Mare Moon: "I am Luna no more! I AM NIGHT MARE MOON!"
God-Queen Celestia: "You know… I didn't want to believe it."
God-Queen Celestia: "The vandalism against sundials… The massacre of roosters… The fire at the bed manufactory… The attempts to destroy the Sun… The 'Luna Rules' graffiti defacing monuments…"
God-Queen Celestia: "I had everything investigated. Checked every possible explanation, every way it might not be you behind it all. I checked the Ebon Dragon's stone prison. I looked for traces of Sombra's return. I angrily interrogated every cultist I could find in Innshoof. I even went on an epic time-travel adventure to find evidence of Tirac being behind it all."
God-Queen Celestia: "I tried everything… and it was you all along."
Night Mare Moon: "Yes, you foolish fool! Now, you shall pay the price for your lack of vision! Die! DIE! DIE!"
God-Queen Celestia: "OK, no. We're not doing this. Screw the Cain and Abel routine. Luna, you're my sister, and I love you. I understand that there are… issues... but that doesn't mean we have to fight. I refuse to fight you. Let's discuss this like civilized mares, instead of giving ourselves heavy metal makeovers and renaming ourselves with lame puns. If we just talk it out, we-"
Night Mare Moon: "EX-TER-MI-NATE!" *plasma buster!*
God-Queen Celestia: "Whoa." *dodges this*
Night Mare Moon: "REND! ANNIHILATE! TERMINATE! DESTROY! OBLITERATE! KILL!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Sis, I'm sensing some serious hostility issues here!"
Night Mare Moon: *plasma buster! Direct hit edition!*
God-Queen Celestia: "AUGH!" *a God-Queen falls*
Twilight: "AUGH! Right in the feels!"
Twilight: *lands next to smoldering Celestia*
Twilight: "Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease please be a flashback to the distant, distant past!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Augh. That smarts…"
Twilight: "Whew."
God-Queen Celestia: "..."
God-Queen Celestia: "Oh, Molly." *sheds tear*
God-Queen Celestia: "This is wrong. This shouldn't be happening." *heads to the Batcave*
God-Queen Celestia: "But it is happening. The Sun, blotted out. Mad, unstoppable tyranny at best. An extinction event at worst. I… I have no idea how to talk you down." *opens arsenal*
God-Queen Celestia: "But I can stall you. Long enough to think of a better plan. I hope." *gathers Elements of Harmony*
Twilight: "Huh. That's… That's how the Rainbow Deathray used to look."
Twilight: "...That's a relief!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Sister! I'm really really sorry about this!"
Night Mare Moon: "Save your sorries! Are you seriously trying to fight me with the Elements of Harmony?! You're alone, imbecile! No Wind Whistler to turn to for advice! No Fizzy to play with! No Danny to crack jokes with! No Spike to mentor! No Molly to coddle! No mom, no dad! You have no-one left to be in harmony with! SUFFER THE WRATH OF MY PLASMA BUSTER!"
God-Queen Celestia: *POWER OVERWHELMING!*
Night Mare Moon: "WHAT?! IMPOSSIBLE! With whom can you be in harmony?!"
God-Queen Celestia: "The world."
God-Queen Celestia: *sheds tear* "Bang."
God-Queen Celestia: *by her power, is Captain Pony!* "Zoom."
God-Queen Celestia: *Rainbow Deathray FTW!* "Straight to the Moon."
Moon: *gets new geographic feature*
God-Queen Celestia: "...Goodbye, Molly."
God-Queen Celestia: "..."
God-Queen Celestia: "OK, screw this tragic bullshit! I'm going to reboot the universe right in its stupid face until it gives me a way to save my sister!"
END OF FLASHBACK!
Twilight: "Uh. Whiplash."
Rainbow Dash: "Twilight! Did you get anything from this weird crap?"
Twilight: "Yeah, some early grey hairs for my mane. Nothing useful, though."
Zecora: "That would suggest that the chain of causality involved here is really long, and there wasn't enough juice to get to the root of it. Another sip will probably do the trick."
Twilight: "I hope so. Judging from the taste, the Milk of Time has had all the time in the world to expire."
FLASHBACK!
Twilight: "All my worries aside, I have to admit, I'm a bit excited to get a glimpse of what Equestria looked like so early in its History, before even Luna's banishment…"
Barracuda with a mustache made of cotton candy: "I'm on a boat! I'm on a boat! Take a good hard look at the pony-bucking boat!"
Twilight: "Uh…"
Light bulb: "How many ponies do you need to screw before something gets done? LET'S FIND OUT!"
Twilight: "Er…"
The Color Red: "Today, I have replaced the town's entire water supply with hemoglobin. Let's watch and see if anypony notices!"
Twilight: "OK, either it was worse than I thought, or I went back to the time of…"
Ebon Dragon: "Total chaos, everybody was kung-fu fighting, and I get to be a dick to everyone. I love being me."
Twilight: "Right. That."
God-Queens Celestia and Luna: *advance, grimly*
Ebon Dragon: "Oh, hey there! It's the Unconquered Sun and the Silver Lady! What, the Maidens of Destiny were too busy?" *eats seeds of Discord*
God-Queens Celestia and Luna: *have had enough of your shit!*
Ebon Dragon: "By the way, congrats on making it through the fiery tornado-quake! I figured another sharknado would have been repetitive. So, wanna pin the tail on the pony?" *has Celestia's tail*
God-Queen Celestia: "AUGH! That's the 5,678th worst thing I've seen you do!"
Ebon Dragon: "Yeah, well, whatcha gonna do about it, huh? You gonna go cry to Gaia?"
God-Queens Celestia and Luna: *pull out the heavy artillery!*
Ebon Dragon: "Oooh, now what have you got here?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Remember the Rainbow of Light?"
God-Queen Luna: "Meet the 2.0 version!"
God-Queens Celestia and Luna: "AND MEET JUSTICE!"
Ebon Dragon: "Seriously, you two are comedy gold! Look at yourself! Fighting for imaginary ideas like friendship and justice! Looking so grim and gritty, like this was the big heroic climax at the end of a long epic quest! You're hilarious!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Hey, what's ugly and screams forever? YOUR FACE!" [/mistaque]
RAINBOW DEATHRAY FTW!
Twilight: "OK, that was fun to watch, but what does that have to do with-"
FLASHBACK! STILL!
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "There's a big crystalline tree brimming with cosmic power. Why is there a big crystalline tree brimming with cosmic power?"
God-Queen Luna: "My goodness… The Tree of Harmony?"
Twilight: "Pony what."
God-Queen Celestia: "Come on, sis. We've got a world to save."
God-Queen Luna: "Sister… Are you sure this is wise? I mean, I'll admit I find it hard to imagine any potential outcome worse than being ruled forever by the Ebon Dragon, but that might be simply a failure of my imagination."
God-Queen Celestia: "I understand your concern, but this is a risk we must take. We have resisted the escalation, the magical arms race, for as long as the world could afford it. But now, with a Yozi in town, and Aslan-knows-what else lurking in the dark corners of reality, I'm afraid we must obtain a bigger weapon."
God-Queen Celestia: "And if it reassures you… even without the Rainbow Deathray, the Tree of Harmony will still have the power to contain the malicious, unchecked growth of this Hellmouth."
God-Queen Luna: "Then let us do as we must."
God Queens Celestia and Luna: *retrieve Elements of Harmony from Tree of the same*
END OF FLASHBACK!
Twilight: "...Huh."
Applejack: "That a good 'huh' or a bad 'huh', sugarcube?"
Twilight: "A bit of both? I still don't know what happened to her Momjesty and Luna… but I think I know what's the deal with the DVDs."
Applejack: "Do tell!"
Twilight: "Apparently, there's some crystal-ish growth called the Tree of Harmony that plays a role in containing the Hellmouth Forest. It's where the Elements of Harmony come from."
Ebon Dragon: "You don't say."
Twilight: "I'm guessing something happened to it, and that plays into the current hellish invasion."
Applejack: "Great! So now we know where ta aim tha Rainbow Deathray! Let's go hug tha tree!"
Fluttershy: "Yay!"
Applejack: "Well, you too, sure, but Ah meant tha Tree o'Harmony. So, where is it?"
Twilight: "...In the Hellmouth?"
Applejack: "Optimism droppin' evah-so-slightly."
Meanwhile, somewhere else:
God-Queen Luna: "Sister? I am unable to move an inch. What of you?"
God-Queen Celestia: "The same, I'm afraid."
God-Queen Luna: "Regrettable. However… all may not be lost."
God-Queen Celestia: "It rarely is."
God-Queen Luna: "I have… a plan. I believe that, by mixing arcane and anti-arcane energies within my horn, I can generate an explosive reaction which will destroy our prison. It will also destroy my horn, permanently crippling my magic, but that is an acceptable price if the safety of Equestria is at stake."
God-Queen Celestia: "...Let's call that plan L."
God-Queen Luna: "You are not to enact that plan yourself in order to spare me the injury! Regardless of your desire to protect a sister, Equestria hath greater need of thou than of… Wait, plan L? What, pray tell, is plan A?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Oh, plan A has already fallen through, or we wouldn't be here. I do, however, have a false tooth with a pre-recorded spell that it can unleash at a moment's notice."
God-Queen Luna: "What spell, precisely?"
God-Queen Celestia: "A solid backward temporal shift of 48 hours. Since the prison around us wasn't there yet, I'd be free to get out, get to Canterlot, gather help, and get back here to free you after 48 hours to avoid a paradox."
God-Queen Luna: "Marvelous! Then enact plan B post-haste!"
God-Queen Celestia: "Actually, the false tooth is plan J. I'd rather save it for a last resort - understand, it can only be used once before enemies start expecting it."
God-Queen Luna: "...Then what is your current plan?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Simple: Wait to be rescued by one of our many competent allies."
God-Queen Luna: "I am starting to believe that I hate your plans."
God-Queen Celestia: "Hey, they work, don't they?"
At the edge of the Hellmouth Forest:
Rarity: "Well, despite the unseemly infestation of DVDs, I must say this situation is reminiscent of certain more positive memories. Remember, not so long ago we were standing at this very spot, about to engage in an epic adventure to save the world. In a sense, this is where our friendship began."
Twilight: "I mostly remember that this is where I tried to solo an adventure module meant for six players, like an idiot. Not realizing that we had to do things together."
Rarity: "Twilight… Are you… fishing for reassurance? Are your royal duties, perhaps, getting to you a bit more than you'd like to admit?"
Twilight: "Everything's fine! Or at least, it will be once we free her Momjesty!"
Rainbow Dash: "And Whatsherface!"
Twilight: "Right, and Luna, too."
Twilight: "All right, everypony. I don't need to tell you all how dangerous the Hellmouth is. Keeps your eyes open. Watch in front of you. Watch behind you. Watch above you. Watch beside you. Watch…"
Rockodile: "Watch your step?"
Twilight: "That, too."
Rockodile: "WATCH THE INSIDE OF MY STOMACH!"
Twilight: "Evade-evade-evade!" *fails to evade*
Applejack: "DEATH TA MINERAL REPTILES!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: *flawless victory!*
Twilight: "Oh jeez. I kept trying for a last-second dodge, and instead of teleporting, I instinctively tried to fly away. I think my combat reflexes got a bit messed up by the physical changes."
Applejack: "So… ye're in the middle o'tha Hellmouth Forest… while it's bein' even Hellier than usual… and ye're not functionin' at full capacity?"
Applejack: "..."
Applejack: "Twilight? Er… Ah think maybe ya ought ta sit this one out."
Twilight: "Beg your bucking pardon?!"
Applejack: "No offense, but Ah'm just sayin'… It's too risky, is all."
Twilight: "I am Twilight Sparkle, Savior of Worlds! I'm the fighting pony, Megamare! I have faced more risks in the past couple years alone than ten average ponies do in their entire lives! I soloed the Tartarus quest! I've traveled through time! I went to another dimension to stop Sunset Shimmer! I have led this crazy squad through thick and thin!"
Applejack: "Ah ain't denyin' any o'that, but… ye're also a God-Queen in training. With Celestia an' Luna gone, an' Cadence kinda busy, ye're next in line ta lead tha country. Equestria might need ya in tha comin' days."
Rarity: "Applejack, please! I appreciate your good intentions, but you are being rather inconsiderate, don't you think? Besides, it is not as if no pony in Canterlot will be able to step in and fill the power vacuum. There's Fancy Pants, there's prince Blueblood OH CELESTIA TWILIGHT YOU MUST RETURN TO CANTERLOT AT ONCE!"
Twilight: "Butbutbut… The Rainbow Deathray! It needs all six of us to fire! How exactly are you planning to save the Tree of Harmony without me?!"
Rainbow Dash: "Uh, hello? We're awesome. We'll figure something out. Besides, we've only used that thing to save the day, like, twice. Didn't use it against Chrysalis, or Trixie, or Sombra…"
Twilight: "It was used against Sunset Shimmer!"
Rainbow Dash: "Solo quests in other dimensions don't count!"
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "...You seriously want me gone?"
Fluttershy: "No, it's just… We think Equestria needs you more than we do."
Spike: "Twilight, what's that breaking sound coming from your chest area? Are you hurt?"
Ebon Dragon: "Do you know what it is about you that forces my respect, Gummy? It is the way you give absolutely no fucks." *uses Gummy as claw-trimmer*
Gummy: *gives no fucks*
Twilight: "Fuck my life."
Ebon Dragon: "Hey there, Miss 'My Name Is Also My Solar Caste'! How did the epic quest go?"
Twilight: "It's still going on, if you must know. My friends agreed that Equestria needed my leadership more than my badassitude."
Ebon Dragon: "I-"
Twilight: "Oh, and if you say word one to try to turn me against my friends based on this, I will find a way to turn you into a G3 version of yourself."
Ebon Dragon: "Perish the thought! No, your friends made a reasonable call. I'm just surprised you went along with it. I didn't have you pegged as the royal privilege type."
Twilight: "This isn't about royal privilege! It's just that my country needs me!"
Ebon Dragon: "Well, I will take your word of it. If you think it's in Equestria's benefit to be ruled by a God-Queen who put her personal safety before that of others, who am I to poke holes in that logic? After all, it's not like the decisions and choices you make over a lifetime define your character or anything. Not like this is the first step toward becoming Tyrant Twilight. Or like a lifetime unburdened by mortality will provide many, many opportunities for such steps."
Twilight: "..."
Twilight: "Into the woods without regret!
The choice is made, the task is set!
Into the woods, but not forget-
-Ting why I'm on the journey!"
Spike: "Twilight, c'mon. I know the Ebon Dragon technically isn't a Creature Of Darkness anymore, but he's not exactly Lawful Good, either. He's probably just trying to manipulate you into doing something stupid!"
Twilight: "Or maybe that's what he wants me to think, or maybe that's what he wants me to think that he wants me to think, or maybe it's something else yet! If I'm not good enough to predict him, then I should just go with what I otherwise think is right!"
Rainbow Dash: "Are we there yet?"
Applejack: "Nope.
Rainbow Dash: "Are we there yet?"
Applejack: "Nope.
Rainbow Dash: "Are we there yet?"
Applejack: "Nope.
Rainbow Dash: "Celestiadammit, how many times do I need to ask before you say yes?!"
Applejack: "Hopefully none, 'cause Ah'm gonna guess that silvery bluish light comin' from that cave full o'DVDs is tha Tree o'Harmony."
Rainbow Dash: "Hm. Sounds legit."
Twilight: "Mom dammit, where did the rest of the squad go? Gah, this is the worst of both worlds - I'm lost in the Hellmouth, and separated from my friends!"
Spike: "Ahem."
Twilight: "Present company excepted."
Spike: "Well, your present company will try to gain some altitude and see if I can spot the others."
Twilight: "Er, why? I have wings, you know. I could fly up there."
Spike: "Between the crazy fauna and flora in this place, and how clumsy you are in flight? I'm guessing you'll be safer on the ground."
Spike: *climbs up*
Spike: *spots Elemental Harmony Squad*
Spike: "Jackpot! Twilight, we-"
Twilight: *is assaulted by ground-level vegetation*
Spike: "I… occasionally guess wrong?"
Applejack: "Well… If anythin' in this crazy forest is tha Tree o'Harmony, Ah'm gonna guess it's this."
Tree of Harmony: *getting surprise tentacle buttsecks from DVDs*
Fluttershy: "My goodness! I'm more of a zoology expert, but, this doesn't look good."
Applejack: "Then let's smite non-goodness!"
Applejack: *plant-smiter!*
DVDs: *unimpressed*
Rainbow Dash: "Move aside - let a real badass handle it!"
Rainbow Dash: *mare of action!*
DVDs: *smite pony!*
Rarity: "All right, I believe we have convincingly established that plain physical force will not resolve this matter."
Applejack: "Yeah, well, what are ya gonna do, whine it ta death?"
Rarity: "I… don't think social attacks are applicable."
Pinkie Pie: "GASP! That rules out Fluttershy and me, too!"
Fluttershy: "So… what we need is someone smart enough to figure out a way to solve this. Or at least, someone with whom we can fire the Rainbow Deathray."
Applejack: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rarity: "..."
Pinkie Pie: "..."
Fluttershy: "We were idiots, and we surrounded her."
Spike: "YOU GUYS YOU GUYS YOU GUYS! Twilight! Plants! Blue meanies!"
Gas Plants: *gang up on Twilight*
Daring Do Theme: *suddenly playing*
Applejack: "Get away from 'er, you BITCHES!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: *PONIES GONNA PWN!*
Pinkie Pie: "Woo! Flawless victory!"
Last Gas Plant: "Not flawless." *strikes…*
Twilight: *plasma buster!*
Twilight: *cough* "Flawless… victory." *cough*
Applejack: "Goodness, Twilight, you OK? What kinda gas were those things blowin' at ya?"
Twilight: "Nitrogen gas, mostly."
Applejack: "...Is that harmful?"
Twilight: "Well, 80% of the air we breathe is nitrogen. That was just a higher concentration."
Applejack: "Then why did it knock ya out?"
Twilight: "The other 20% is supposed to be mostly oxygen."
Applejack: "...Oh."
Twilight: "So, yeah. Really glad to have you girls around."
Rarity: "I assure you, darling, the sentiment is mutual. Be we facing dark goddesses, dickish Yozis, Unseelie queens, Dark Vines of Death, or mere sleepovers, you remain a vital member of our group."
Rainbow Dash: "Yeah! Screw Equestria, we need you more!"
Fluttershy: "Group hug!"
Twilight: "So. This is the Tree of Harmony."
Applejack: "Matches tha description from yer flashback, ta tha very least."
Twilight: "And these Dark Vines of Death…" *hovers closer*
DVDs: *SURPRISE TENTACLE B-*
Twilight: "BAD TOUCH!" *plasma buster!*
Twilight: "Hm…"
Rainbow Dash: "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's deathray these fuckers!"
Twilight: "Wouldn't work."
Rainbow Dash: "...You just suggested rainbows don't solve everything. You take that back."
Twilight: "Remember how the DVDs were able to disrupt Rarity's magic? I think I'm grasping the mechanics of it. It's like these things were specifically designed to counter powerful magic, turning it against itself - and the effect is strongest here. Heck, those things could probably give her Momjesty trouble."
Twilight: "I can plasma-buster them from the outside for a little bit, but… The Rainbow Deathray, for all its showy, nuke-y power, affects things internally. Inside those things, it would just… fizzle."
Applejack: "But if even our strongest superweapon canna do crap, then what do we do?!"
Twilight: "Actually… I suspect the Tree of Harmony's own defense mechanism should be enough to handle this. It's just that it's run out of fuel."
Twilight: "...Meaning that we need to refuel it. By returning the Elements of Harmony whence they came."
Rainbow Dash: "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! You want us to lose the super-special-awesome superweapon we've used to save Equestria three times, counting Sunset Shimmer?!"
Rarity: "You want us to lose the only thing known to ponykind that can overpower the Ebon Dragon?!"
Applejack: "Ya want us ta lose tha thing that made us BFFs?!"
Twilight: "The Elements of Harmony are what got us together in the first place. But you know what? If it had just been that, we wouldn't have been able to use them."
Twilight: "You know what my best memory of our first night together is? It wasn't unlocking unimaginable cosmic power and using it to nuke Night Mare Moon - that would come in third position, after realizing you were all my friends, and reuniting with her Momj - with Celestia. Nuking the Ebon Dragon? Important, but not as joyful as reuniting with my friends."
Twilight: "Things change. Life throws you curveballs. The status quo gets pulled from under your feet. My new royal duties? Oh, they're gonna test our friendship. Put it through mid-terms, finals, and more. But we're going to stay friends, with or without a multicolored merchandisable superweapon!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "D'awww!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: *hoof over Elements of Harmony*
Twilight: "All right! Let's end this!"
DVDs: *SURPRISE TENTA-*
Twilight Sparkle, Savior of Worlds: "BLUE-RAY, BITCHES!" *RETURNS ELEMENTS!*
TREE OF HARMONY FTW!
Twilight: "Well! That's one problem solved. Now we…"
God-Queens Celestia and Luna: *are there!*
Twilight: "...And that's every problem solved!" *God-Queen hug!*
God-Queen Celestia: "Splendidly done. I didn't even teach you the lesson about knowing when to relinquish power - you learned that all on your own, on the fly! I can't tell you how proud I am of you. All of you."
Twilight: "I'm just so glad you're all right and Blueblood will never rise above 28th in line for the throne!"
Twilight: "...Wait. My magic sense is tingling."
Tree of Harmony, who cannot talk: "IN THE NAME OF TWILIGHT. IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA. IN THE NAME OF LUNA. BEHOLD."
Magic Box: *appears*
Twilight: "Pony what."
God-Queen Luna: "A box with six locks, presumably requiring six keys. Well, the implications are obvious enough, but where are the keys?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Don't look at me, I'm not omniscient (despite some appearances to the contrary). But I'm glad to see that you have a new team project. Epic quests are good for Equestria."
Twilight: "I suppose."
Twilight: "I'm just… sorry the plans for the Summer Sun Celebration got messed up, I guess?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Oh, hardly, Twilight."
Twilight: "Well, we're kinda past the time-"
God-Queen Celestia: "Twilight, we control the seasons and celestial objects. We decide when the Summer Sun starts, in pretty much every way."
Twilight: "...Point taken."
And thus, as they exit the Hellmouth…
Ebon Dragon: "Hail the conquering heroes! The heroes who, for some strange, mysterious reason that I totally didn't see coming, are not currently equipped with the superweapon that I was previously defeated with. Why, this raises certain interesting possibili-"
Fluttershy: "Shut up and sit down."
Ebon Dragon: "Wha-"
Fluttershy: "Shut up and sit down."
Ebon Dragon: "But I-"
Fluttershy: "Shut up and sit down."
Ebon Dragon: "I am-"
Fluttershy: "Shut up and sit down."
Ebon Dragon: "..."
Ebon Dragon: "Can I just-"
Fluttershy: "Shut up and sit down."
Ebon Dragon: *shuts up and sits down*
Fluttershy: "With or without a superweapon, you're still my bitch. Mostly because I'm the only person who actually likes you. If you wanna change that, you're gonna have to keep on learning to behave like a friend, even without the threat of petrification."
Ebon Dragon: "...Freaking Zenith Castes."
Applejack: "One thing Ah don't get… why did that whole mess start now?"
Ebon Dragon: "Yeah, that was weird. Those seeds of Discord I sowed should have sprouted ages ago."
Twilight: "ANGRY PONY WHAT."
Ebon Dragon: "Back when Celly and Luna came with their big honking super-weapon? I didn't think it could beat me, but I figured it'd be funnier if it just fizzled completely. So I planted some express-seeds to grow toward the Tree of Harmony, disrupt it so the Elements couldn't call on its power, and then, jump out of the ground to catch the alicorn sisters, Jaws-style. It would have been hilarious!"
Ebon Dragon: "Buuuuuuut, I might have underestimated the power of Harmony, just a tad. The DVDs couldn't breach the tree's protective field…"
Twilight: "...until it was temporarily weakened even further, because one of the Elements of Harmony was taken to another dimension for several days!"
Ebon Dragon: "And bingo was his name-o!"
Twilight: "YOU COULD HAVE TOLD US HOURS AGO, YOU DICK!"
Ebon Dragon: "Really? Because, looking at Celly, I was under the impression that retaining information in order to position you into learning a valuable lesson about friendship and being a God-Queen was A-OK."
Twilight: "Hate you. SO. MUCH."
Summer Sun Celebration:
God-Queen Celestia: "Citizens of Equestria, new immigrants, and assorted tourists! It is with great joy that I raise the Summer Sun - not in celebration of Night Mare Moon's defeat (seriously, Night Mare Night is way more than enough), but of the return of my awesome sister whom you should all be spending more time getting to know: God-Queen Luna!"
God-Queen Luna: *Moon down! Moon down!*
God-Queen Celestia: *Celestia Invicta!*
Twilight Sparkle, PhD: "All right… Let's see just how much XP I got from this quest…"
Twilight Sparkle: PhD: *Sonic Mageboom!*
Rainbow Dash: "That was so awesome, I'm not even jealous."
People of Equestria: "Wheee! Rising number of God-Queens! We feel safer already!"
Twilight Sparkle, PhD: "You know what? I got a good feeling about the future."
"...and I've started research to figure out the magic box. Love, your Little Sister Best Friend Forever."
Captain Equestria: "The letter ends here."
Sergeant Redcoat: "Let me get this straight: You encountered a Yozi-based problem with enough power to abduct the God-Queens and seriously mess up the natural order… and it literally got resolved in less than 24 hours?"
Captain Equestria: "That's the gist of it."
Sergeant Redcoat: "...Equestria has come a long away."
- Location
- New Hampshire
You see, when the very next appearance of Discord is, "I'm gonna plant literal seeds of chaos and when they bloom, let them ravage the land. And then i'm gonna try and use some bullshit 'learning' excuse' to try and weasel my way out of it!"? No. No, show. You don't get to do that and expect me and/or others to go, "Oh, he's all right! He's just fooling around!"
Castle Mane-ia
Fancy Pants: "Ah, your majesty, there you are. If you could spare me a few moments of your precious time, I was hoping to address the issue of the Abacus Initiative? Near as I can tell, certain ponies feel that-"
God-Queen Luna: "WHAT IS A PONY? A MISERABLE PILE OF FRIENDSHIPS!"
Fancy Pants: "Beg your pardon?"
God-Queen Luna: "Oh, my apologies. Pay it no mind, Fancy Pants, Master of the Monocle - I am merely rehearsing."
Fancy Pants: "Rehearsing? For what, pray tell?"
God-Queen Luna: "Why, for Nightmare Month, of course! Soon, the population of Equestria shall tremble at the adrenaline rush, then applaud, night after night!"
Fancy Pants: "I'm certain they will. But I assume you meant Nightmare Night?"
God-Queen Luna: "What do you… Surely you are referring to the upcoming celebration of Nightmare Month, good sir."
Fancy: "No, I rather trust it has always been Nightmare Night."
God-Queen Luna: "..."
God-Queen Luna: "THIS IS WHY WE CANNOT HAVE NICE THINGS!"
CASTLE MANE-IA
Twilight: "Golden Horseshoes, Golden Door, Magic Coins, Rainbow of Light, Infinity Gauntlet… GAH! Nothing! No mention whatsoever of the Tree of Harmony's Magic Box!" *casts Bookish Missile*
Spike: *narrowly avoids Bookish Missile*
Spike: "...And people wonder why I want hazard pay."
Twilight: "OK, I realize information about the distant past is kinda sparse in Equestria, but still! Maybe I'll be able to find something in the Royal Library…"
Spike: "You got mail!"
Dracofax: "Dear Twilight, you won't find anything in the Royal Library. Sorry."
Twilight: "...And people wonder why I say God is always with me."
Dracofax: "...However, there is a certain book in the old Classic Duarchy castle that might prove helpful. When I abandoned the castle in grief at the loss of my sister, I cast a preservation spell, so entropy should be causing the place to decay at a rate nearly two orders of magnitude slower than usual. Good luck and lots of love, your former thesis adviser."
Twilight: "Well! That's mighty convenient!"
At the castle:
Twilight: "Jeez, this place is a ruin. Looks even worse in broad daylight. I wonder if I can really find anything of w-"
Twilight: *finds library*
Twilight: *WINGBONER!*
Twilight: "CONCERN RETRACTED! I appear to have achieved nerdvana."
Spike: "Egh, Twilight, I don't know. This place gives me the creeps."
Spike: *stumbles into statue*
Statue, which cannot speak: "Don't blink. Blink and you're dead."
Spike: "I WILL NEVER BLINK AGAIN."
Twilight: "A whole library from the pre-Nightmare era… Spike, we're in Heaven!"
Spike: "Can't blink. Statues will eat me. Can't blink. Statues will eat me. Can't blink…"
Applejack and Rainbow Dash: *ARE COVERED IN BEES.*
Pinkie Pie: "We're at the last stage of the totally improvised Most Daring Pony competition that Applejack and Rainbow Dash made up because the Iron Pony was getting old! Currently, we're at the 'Bees. My God. Not the bees! Not the bees!' stage, and neither daring pony is moving an inch! The entire audience has gone home to have nightmares!"
Gummy: *gives no fucks*
Apiculturist Pony: "OK, yeah, no. Some of us have actual, you know, jobs." *recalls bees*
Applejack and Rainbow Dash: *were wearing protection*
Applejack and Rainbow Dash: *because they're not stupid.*
Pinkie Pie: "Well! Looks like you're tied!"
Rainbow Dash: "Tied?! You can't be tied for number one!"
Pinkie Pie: "Sorry, the number don't lie!"
Pinkie Pie: "Unlike ponies."
Pinkie Pie: "Ponies who reveal other ponies' secrets."
Pinkie Pie: "Ponies who make pinkie promises and break them."
Pinkie Pie: "Ponies who eat your prized cake."
Pinkie Pie: "Filthy, lying, cheating little ponies."
Rainbow Dash: "Uh…"
Pinkie Pie: "And that's why numbers are better than ponies! But anyway, gotta run. I volunteered to ring the school bell, so I'm gonna be busy busy busy!"
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "...I'm sure that was nothing we need to worry about. So, how do we finish this competition?"
Applejack: "When in doubt? Try tha Hellmouth."
Fluttershy: "Um, Rarity? Why exactly are we heading toward the ancient castle in the Hellmouth? It's… only a few hours before sundown. And it's… star-spider season. And it's...Take Your Pet Psychopath To Work Day. That's… a lot of reasons to be nervous."
Angel, Pet Psychopath: "Quit [CENSORED] whining like a [CENSORED] fucker, you fucker."
Rarity: "I understand your concerns, Fluttershy, but this is of truly capital importance. Our recent venture down memory lane has caused me to realize a very important detail that I had forgotten, after my first visit to this castle (Night Mare Moon was rather distracting): It is full of ancient royal tapestries. Some of the greatest art pieces of a bygone age, left to rot. Unacceptable."
Rarity: "And as such, it is my duty to restore them. And maybe get a few ideas for a new fashion line, since classical retro is making a huge comeback!"
Meanwhile, in Canterlot:
God-Queen Luna: "Sister, did you manipulate the fashion industry to cause classical retro to make a huge comeback at this specific juncture?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Seriously, does everything have to secretly be a plot of mine? Sometimes, things just happen."
Spike: "Twilight, I wasn't that scared. You don't need to break out the candles."
Twilight: "Aw, Spike, it's not like I'm doing it for you or anything. I trust that you're too badass and rational to be afraid anyway."
Spike: "...Yeah, sure."
Twilight: "No, the candles are here for a practical purpose. With all the research this library demands, we're going to be spending the night in this spooky, abandoned, literally gods-forsaken Shadowland of a ruined castle. It'll be fun!"
Spike: "Burn my life."
Rainbow Dash: "So, how exactly is this castle supposed to be testing our daringness? I mean, this is where we nuked a Dark Goddess."
Applejack: "Oh, but there be more ta it! Accordin' ta ancient legends, when Night Mare Moon done been banished, some o'er dark magic stayed here, turnin' tha castle inta a Shadowland, an' becomin'… tha Pony o'Shadows!"
Rainbow Dash: "What, like a Neverborn?"
Applejack: "Noooooopooooony knooooows!"
Rainbow Dash: "Please stop doing the spooky voice. You're a disgrace to voice actors everywhere."
Applejack: "Them be fightin' words, missy."
Rarity: "Goodness! Look at this tapestry - it is simply brilliant! ...And in desperate need of my loving care. Fluttershy, please be a dear…"
Fluttershy: *struggles with tapestry*
Wall: *rotates!*
Wall: *collides with Fluttershy's wingtip*
Fluttershy: *gets hit in the ulnar nerve!*
Fluttershy: "!!!!!!!!"
Applejack and Rainbow Dash: *walking on other side of the wall*
Rainbow Dash: "Seriously, are you expecting me to be scared or anything? From being in some old castle? Keep dreaming. I don't even believe in ghosts."
Fluttershy, behind tapestry: "THE PAIN! THE SUFFERIIIIING!"
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Applejack: "..."
Shadow of Pony: "Boo."
Rainbow Dash: "EVERYPONY FOR HERSELF!"
Applejack: "RUN LIKE THA WIND!"
Wall: *rotates back!*
Fluttershy: "Owie. Whoever called it the 'funny bone' had a nasty sense of humor."
Rarity: "Terribly sorry about that, my dear. We'll have to settle for something smaller. But what was up with that rotating wall?"
Fluttershy: "Rotating wall?"
Rarity: "I suppose it must have been a secret passage. Quite possibly, in a prelude to their all-out war, the two God-Queens had perhaps begun a war of cloak and dagger, filling this castle with secrets of this kind. We will simply have to be on our gua-"
Angel: *steps on button*
Gravity: "NOPONY EXPECTS THE HELLISH GRAVITATION!" *abducts Rarity and Fluttershy*
Angel: "..."
Angel, who cannot talk: "Oh well. Easy come, easy go."
Rainbow Dash: "OK. OK. So maybe the legend is true. Maybe the ghost of eldritch dark powers haunts this Shadowland. Who you gonna call?"
Applejack: "Ya gonna call most darin' pony whoever stays in here tha longest."
Rainbow Dash: "...Then you're in for a toughie, fillyfriend, because it's gonna take much more than some ghost god thingie to scare me away."
Applejack: "Like-bucking-wise."
Portrait of General Nutkicksnyarlathotep: *is watching you!*
Twilight: "So… find anything yet?"
Spike: "Nah. Just weird references to some creature called 'Danny, the original brony'. The description kinda makes him sound like those humans we saw in-"
Angel: "I iz in yur library, scaring yur dragons!"
Spike: "GAH!" *leans back… accidentally opening secret passage*
Twilight: "Well, I'm sure there's an interesting story behind Angel's presence here, but no way it can be more interesting than this!"
Book: *is there. Prominently.*
Book: *is The Journal of the Two Sisters*
Twilight: "BOOKGASM!"
Spike: "You think this is the book Celestia wanted you to find?"
Twilight: "At this point, who cares?!" *begins devouring book*
Rainbow Dash: "Er, Applejack?"
Applejack: "Yeah?"
Rainbow Dash: "This entire corridor has been built to look like pony legs are coming out of the walls to hold the torches."
Applejack: "Eyup."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "...Are you starting to wonder what the old duarchy looked like?!"
Over a millennium ago:
God-Queen Celestia: "...and in this hallway, we shall put many a pony's disembodied leg, to remind everypony that there's always someone reaching out to hug them!"
Rarity: "Trapped in a closed room. I am starting to develop a feeling toward this castle which cannot, in all honesty, be described as fondness."
Fluttershy: "Oh my gosh! Angel! We have to find him!"
Rarity: "I am sure your pet psychopath will be fine, dear. Hm… Small hole in the wall here…"
Rarity: *reaches through hole*
Rarity: *grabs Rainbow Dash on other side of wall*
Rainbow Dash: "Applejack! I'm flattered, but I don't think Fluttershy would approve!"
Applejack: "...Ah'm over here."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Applejack: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "AAAAAAAH!" /exeunt, pursued by a shadow
Applejack: "AAAAAAAH!" /exeunt, shadowing Rainbow Dash
Rarity: "Celestia Christ! I felt something moving on the other side!"
Fluttershy: "Oooh! Was it Angel?"
Rarity: "Not unless he's grown three sizes today."
Wall: *rotates!*
Rarity: "..."
Rarity: "Well, that's it. My patience with this deathtrap castle has reached its end. We're going out, and then petitioning the government to send an excavation team or somesuch."
Fluttershy: "WAIT! We can't leave without Angel! He could be trapped somewhere with no food, without me to take care of him! WAAAA!"
Angel: *pigging out on carrots*
Angel: *because the castle's ancient arcanic food generator still works*
Angel, who cannot speak: "Ahhh. This is the life. I really should ditch the yellow [CENSORED] fucker more often."
Twilight, reading a book as is often the case: "Spike, this is awesome! This is her Momjesty's and Luna's co-journal, that they used to keep together back in the days! Check this out:"
Ancient Journal: "Another attempt to rebuild the Rainbow Bridge has failed, but I'm not losing hope. I have another idea, this time using the Golden Door."
Spike: "Uh…"
Ancient Journal: "In the meanwhile, Luna was right: Combining the slides in the walls with the revolving trapdoors to permit an ever-accelerating trajectory that crosses every room of the castle is pure fun. We're now making a game out of finding new paths for it!"
Spike: "So, that's what the leisures of the obscenely rich look like."
Ancient Journal: "And you just wait! Once we've wired everything to the Organ to the Outside, it'll be perfect!"
Spike: "The who where what now?"
Meanwhile, in another room:
Darth Shadow: *plays with their organ!*
Pipe Organ: *Buckhoven's Ode To Terror!*
Applejack: "GAAAAH! Can this place possibly get any spookier?!"
Rainbow Dash: "I'm sure it'll find a way!"
And back in the library:
Dragon: "The things I'd give for earplugs right now."
Twilight: "Oh, Spike, don't be afraid. It's just a millennium-old castle ruin that got devastated by a Dark Goddess. Of course there are strange sounds everywhere, the place is practically about to collapse on our heads!"
Spike: "...You are not the best at reassurance."
Angel, who cannot talk: "HA! All reptiles are cowards!"
Fluttershy: "Do you see any trace of Angel?"
Rarity: "Even better: I see before me some of the most wonderful tapestries in equine History! It would be a crime not to fix them!"
Fluttershy: "...I'll keep looking for Angel."
Applejack: *peeks at the armor room*
Applejack: "...Is thar any room in this here Shadowland that doesn't look like it stepped outta a horror story?"
Rainbow Dash: "It's… just armors. Totally, definitely not scary in the dark."
Applejack: "Right, right. Not like they're gonna come ta life or anythin'."
Armors, which cannot talk: "You will be deleted."
Shadowy Pony: *plays the organ!*
Armor, which cannot talk: "Your location will be upgraded." *switches place with Applejack*
Rainbow Dash: "Oh, hey there Applejack who has suddenly been assimilated by the armors and whoa WHOA AAAAAAAAAH!"
Shadowy Pony: *plays the organ!*
Rarity: *gets catapulted to the courtyard*
Fluttershy: "Oh, hey there friend whose presence is keeping me from total panic who has just disappeared whoa WHOA AAAAAAAAAH!"
Shadowy Pony: *plays the organ!*
Applejack: *lands next to gargoyle*
Applejack: "Oh, hey there menacing dragon on dramatic lightning backdrop whoa WHOA AAAAAAAAAAH!"
Shadowy Pony: *plays the organ!*
Rarity: "Oh, hey there piece of priceless ancient art piece now caught in my hooves having been forcibly torn out of the rest of it whoa WHOA AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Shadowy Pony: *plays the organ!*
Angel: *gets new carrots*
Angel, who cannot talk: "Karma's for suckers."
Rarity: "As Celestia is my witness, no force in the Underworld will stop me from restoring the glories of the bygone age! DO YOUR WORST, CASTLE!"
Rainbow Dash: "Applejack? If you're gone, or if the Cyberpony armors killed and/or assimilated you, that means I win, right?"
Armor, which cannot talk: "Gravitate." *falls on Rainbow Dash*
Rainbow Dash: "AAAAAAAAAH! I DON'T WANT TO BE A CYBERPONY!"
Fluttershy: "R-Rarity? Please please please please let this be an incredibly OOC prank you're pulling!"
Shadowy Pony: *plays Manezart's Fifth Requiem For Your Sorry Flank!*
Fluttershy: "WAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Applejack: "So… Rainbow Dash… Y'all done and got tha hell outta Dodge, right? So, Ah can go home now, right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right?"
Rarity: *carefully backing away*
Rainbow Dash: *carefully backing away*
Fluttershy: *carefully backing away*
Applejack: *carefully backing away*
Inevitability: *happens*
SCREEEEEAM!
Rainbow Dash: "I'LL LEAVE THE DARING TO DOCTOR DO, JUST LEMME OUTTA HERE!" *pinballs through castle courtyard*
Ancient tapestry, which cannot talk: "DOOM! DOOM BE UPON YOU!" *flies toward Rarity*
Rarity: "I JUST WANTED TO RESTORE ANCIENT A-A-ART!" *cries*
Fluttershy: "Hey, was that shadow over there Angel lying right next to that pillar?"
Applejack: "MAH LEG-WETTIN' TERROR GIVES MA SUPAH-STRENGTH!" *kocks pillar down on "Angel'*
Fluttershy: *atom-breaking sound coming from chest area*
Fluttershy: "ANGEEEEEEEEEEL!"
Twilight: "...What the Dream Valley was that?"
Spike: "Oh, you know - probably just this place collapsing on our heads!"
Twilight: "No-one likes sarcasm, Spike."
Angel, who cannot talk: "Yeah! Fuck you, Spike."
Twilight: *reaches the courtyard*
Twilight: "..."
Spike: "...Da buck am I watching?"
Rainbow Dash: "WHY ISN'T FLYING IN A STRAIGHT LINE WORKING?!"
Fluttershy: "PLEASE DON'T BE COMPLETELY DEAD ANGEL!"
APPLEJACK: "ANYTHIN' AH'M STOMPIN' MIGHT NOT KILL ME!"
Rarity: "A HEARSE! A HEARSE! CELESTIA'S KINGDOM FOR A HEARSE WHERE I CAN LIE DOWN AND DIE ALREADY!"
Spike: "Twilight? What are they doing?"
Twilight: "When in doubt, my first guess is usually that they're being idiots."
Twilight: "I rarely need a second guess."
Twilight: "That said, however…"
Twilight: "STOP IT! STOP BEING IDIOTS!"
Twilight: *casts 'Mass Hold Pony'. Because she's high-level like that.*
Applejack: "...What are all y'all non-Rainbow Dash ponies doin' here?"
Fluttershy: "Must… save… Angel…"
Angel, who cannot talk: "I'm over here, [CENSORED] dumbass."
Fluttershy: "Oh."
Twilight: "OK, seriously, what the Dream Valley is going on here? Have the four of you been running around and scaring each other all night?"
Applejack: "...Possibly?"
Rainbow Dash: "Depends on how well you play the organ. And whether you're a Neverborn Pony of Shadows."
Spike: "A what?!"
Twilight: "C'mon, Spike. It's just an old pony's tale. Like the Mare in the Moon!"
Shadowy Pony: *plays the organ!*
Twilight: "...I stand by my earlier assessment. Let's go check this out."
In the organ room:
Shadowy Pony: *yup, still playing!*
Twilight: "GASP! The organ is actually being played by someone, instead of random debris just continuously falling on the keyboard and coincidentally playing music all night long!"
Twilight: "...and that someone would have gotten away with it, if not for us meddling kids!" *uncloaks Shadowy Pony*
Shadowy Pony: *is Pinkie Pie*
Twilight: "I wish no-one could have seen this coming. I really, really do."
Pinkie Pie: "Hey guys! Turns out I can totally play the organ! I knew using SAN as a dump stat would pay off!"
Applejack: "...Weren't ya gonna ring tha school bell all day or somethin'?"
Pinkie Pie: "Yeah, but then Cheerilee said five minutes were enough, and that if I didn't stop she was going to have her class exercise by using me as pinata. So I followed you guys here, and saw everypony was preparing a Haunted Castle Party, so I decided to help the atmosphere by playing fun, scary music!"
Twilight: "Ow, my brain."
Organ: *launches Spike across the room*
Spike: "Ow, my everything."
Rarity: "All right. As soon as I finish this restoration work, I'll gladly follow you all back to Ponyville."
Fluttershy: "I can't believe… well, OK, I can believe I was so frightened."
Twilight: "Yeah, you girls really went loco over nothing. But! Having someone else pull you back into rationality is helpful. And more likely to work if they're your friend. So, as always, everything somehow comes back to friendship."
Rainbow Dash: "OK, but how come you weren't afraid, spending a stormy night in a spooky castle ruin filled with deathtraps?!"
Twilight: "Simple: I didn't spend a stormy night in a spooky castle ruin filled with deathtraps. I spent a lively night in a lovely castle-in-progress filled with fun contraptions. That was the picture painted by the God-Queens' journal, and that's what I was living. So, as always, everything somehow comes back to books."
Twilight: "Wait. Eureka moment incoming…"
Twilight: "EUREKA! You know how, back during my thesis, I used to write lessons I learned and send them to her Momjesty? And how we started all doing that?"
Twilight: "Well, there's always stuff to learn, and lessons are meant to be shared! If reading this journal could help me… imagine what we could accomplish if we held a joint diary and recorded our experiences along with everything we learned from them! I DECLARE A NEW GROUP PROJECT!"
Applejack: "Entry one: Ah'm glad there ain't no Neverborn Pony o'Shadows."
Meanwhile, in the shadows…
"Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of ponies?"
God-Queen Luna: "WHAT IS A PONY? A MISERABLE PILE OF FRIENDSHIPS!"
Fancy Pants: "Beg your pardon?"
God-Queen Luna: "Oh, my apologies. Pay it no mind, Fancy Pants, Master of the Monocle - I am merely rehearsing."
Fancy Pants: "Rehearsing? For what, pray tell?"
God-Queen Luna: "Why, for Nightmare Month, of course! Soon, the population of Equestria shall tremble at the adrenaline rush, then applaud, night after night!"
Fancy Pants: "I'm certain they will. But I assume you meant Nightmare Night?"
God-Queen Luna: "What do you… Surely you are referring to the upcoming celebration of Nightmare Month, good sir."
Fancy: "No, I rather trust it has always been Nightmare Night."
God-Queen Luna: "..."
God-Queen Luna: "THIS IS WHY WE CANNOT HAVE NICE THINGS!"
CASTLE MANE-IA
Twilight: "Golden Horseshoes, Golden Door, Magic Coins, Rainbow of Light, Infinity Gauntlet… GAH! Nothing! No mention whatsoever of the Tree of Harmony's Magic Box!" *casts Bookish Missile*
Spike: *narrowly avoids Bookish Missile*
Spike: "...And people wonder why I want hazard pay."
Twilight: "OK, I realize information about the distant past is kinda sparse in Equestria, but still! Maybe I'll be able to find something in the Royal Library…"
Spike: "You got mail!"
Dracofax: "Dear Twilight, you won't find anything in the Royal Library. Sorry."
Twilight: "...And people wonder why I say God is always with me."
Dracofax: "...However, there is a certain book in the old Classic Duarchy castle that might prove helpful. When I abandoned the castle in grief at the loss of my sister, I cast a preservation spell, so entropy should be causing the place to decay at a rate nearly two orders of magnitude slower than usual. Good luck and lots of love, your former thesis adviser."
Twilight: "Well! That's mighty convenient!"
At the castle:
Twilight: "Jeez, this place is a ruin. Looks even worse in broad daylight. I wonder if I can really find anything of w-"
Twilight: *finds library*
Twilight: *WINGBONER!*
Twilight: "CONCERN RETRACTED! I appear to have achieved nerdvana."
Spike: "Egh, Twilight, I don't know. This place gives me the creeps."
Spike: *stumbles into statue*
Statue, which cannot speak: "Don't blink. Blink and you're dead."
Spike: "I WILL NEVER BLINK AGAIN."
Twilight: "A whole library from the pre-Nightmare era… Spike, we're in Heaven!"
Spike: "Can't blink. Statues will eat me. Can't blink. Statues will eat me. Can't blink…"
Applejack and Rainbow Dash: *ARE COVERED IN BEES.*
Pinkie Pie: "We're at the last stage of the totally improvised Most Daring Pony competition that Applejack and Rainbow Dash made up because the Iron Pony was getting old! Currently, we're at the 'Bees. My God. Not the bees! Not the bees!' stage, and neither daring pony is moving an inch! The entire audience has gone home to have nightmares!"
Gummy: *gives no fucks*
Apiculturist Pony: "OK, yeah, no. Some of us have actual, you know, jobs." *recalls bees*
Applejack and Rainbow Dash: *were wearing protection*
Applejack and Rainbow Dash: *because they're not stupid.*
Pinkie Pie: "Well! Looks like you're tied!"
Rainbow Dash: "Tied?! You can't be tied for number one!"
Pinkie Pie: "Sorry, the number don't lie!"
Pinkie Pie: "Unlike ponies."
Pinkie Pie: "Ponies who reveal other ponies' secrets."
Pinkie Pie: "Ponies who make pinkie promises and break them."
Pinkie Pie: "Ponies who eat your prized cake."
Pinkie Pie: "Filthy, lying, cheating little ponies."
Rainbow Dash: "Uh…"
Pinkie Pie: "And that's why numbers are better than ponies! But anyway, gotta run. I volunteered to ring the school bell, so I'm gonna be busy busy busy!"
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "...I'm sure that was nothing we need to worry about. So, how do we finish this competition?"
Applejack: "When in doubt? Try tha Hellmouth."
Fluttershy: "Um, Rarity? Why exactly are we heading toward the ancient castle in the Hellmouth? It's… only a few hours before sundown. And it's… star-spider season. And it's...Take Your Pet Psychopath To Work Day. That's… a lot of reasons to be nervous."
Angel, Pet Psychopath: "Quit [CENSORED] whining like a [CENSORED] fucker, you fucker."
Rarity: "I understand your concerns, Fluttershy, but this is of truly capital importance. Our recent venture down memory lane has caused me to realize a very important detail that I had forgotten, after my first visit to this castle (Night Mare Moon was rather distracting): It is full of ancient royal tapestries. Some of the greatest art pieces of a bygone age, left to rot. Unacceptable."
Rarity: "And as such, it is my duty to restore them. And maybe get a few ideas for a new fashion line, since classical retro is making a huge comeback!"
Meanwhile, in Canterlot:
God-Queen Luna: "Sister, did you manipulate the fashion industry to cause classical retro to make a huge comeback at this specific juncture?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Seriously, does everything have to secretly be a plot of mine? Sometimes, things just happen."
Spike: "Twilight, I wasn't that scared. You don't need to break out the candles."
Twilight: "Aw, Spike, it's not like I'm doing it for you or anything. I trust that you're too badass and rational to be afraid anyway."
Spike: "...Yeah, sure."
Twilight: "No, the candles are here for a practical purpose. With all the research this library demands, we're going to be spending the night in this spooky, abandoned, literally gods-forsaken Shadowland of a ruined castle. It'll be fun!"
Spike: "Burn my life."
Rainbow Dash: "So, how exactly is this castle supposed to be testing our daringness? I mean, this is where we nuked a Dark Goddess."
Applejack: "Oh, but there be more ta it! Accordin' ta ancient legends, when Night Mare Moon done been banished, some o'er dark magic stayed here, turnin' tha castle inta a Shadowland, an' becomin'… tha Pony o'Shadows!"
Rainbow Dash: "What, like a Neverborn?"
Applejack: "Noooooopooooony knooooows!"
Rainbow Dash: "Please stop doing the spooky voice. You're a disgrace to voice actors everywhere."
Applejack: "Them be fightin' words, missy."
Rarity: "Goodness! Look at this tapestry - it is simply brilliant! ...And in desperate need of my loving care. Fluttershy, please be a dear…"
Fluttershy: *struggles with tapestry*
Wall: *rotates!*
Wall: *collides with Fluttershy's wingtip*
Fluttershy: *gets hit in the ulnar nerve!*
Fluttershy: "!!!!!!!!"
Applejack and Rainbow Dash: *walking on other side of the wall*
Rainbow Dash: "Seriously, are you expecting me to be scared or anything? From being in some old castle? Keep dreaming. I don't even believe in ghosts."
Fluttershy, behind tapestry: "THE PAIN! THE SUFFERIIIIING!"
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Applejack: "..."
Shadow of Pony: "Boo."
Rainbow Dash: "EVERYPONY FOR HERSELF!"
Applejack: "RUN LIKE THA WIND!"
Wall: *rotates back!*
Fluttershy: "Owie. Whoever called it the 'funny bone' had a nasty sense of humor."
Rarity: "Terribly sorry about that, my dear. We'll have to settle for something smaller. But what was up with that rotating wall?"
Fluttershy: "Rotating wall?"
Rarity: "I suppose it must have been a secret passage. Quite possibly, in a prelude to their all-out war, the two God-Queens had perhaps begun a war of cloak and dagger, filling this castle with secrets of this kind. We will simply have to be on our gua-"
Angel: *steps on button*
Gravity: "NOPONY EXPECTS THE HELLISH GRAVITATION!" *abducts Rarity and Fluttershy*
Angel: "..."
Angel, who cannot talk: "Oh well. Easy come, easy go."
Rainbow Dash: "OK. OK. So maybe the legend is true. Maybe the ghost of eldritch dark powers haunts this Shadowland. Who you gonna call?"
Applejack: "Ya gonna call most darin' pony whoever stays in here tha longest."
Rainbow Dash: "...Then you're in for a toughie, fillyfriend, because it's gonna take much more than some ghost god thingie to scare me away."
Applejack: "Like-bucking-wise."
Portrait of General Nutkicksnyarlathotep: *is watching you!*
Twilight: "So… find anything yet?"
Spike: "Nah. Just weird references to some creature called 'Danny, the original brony'. The description kinda makes him sound like those humans we saw in-"
Angel: "I iz in yur library, scaring yur dragons!"
Spike: "GAH!" *leans back… accidentally opening secret passage*
Twilight: "Well, I'm sure there's an interesting story behind Angel's presence here, but no way it can be more interesting than this!"
Book: *is there. Prominently.*
Book: *is The Journal of the Two Sisters*
Twilight: "BOOKGASM!"
Spike: "You think this is the book Celestia wanted you to find?"
Twilight: "At this point, who cares?!" *begins devouring book*
Rainbow Dash: "Er, Applejack?"
Applejack: "Yeah?"
Rainbow Dash: "This entire corridor has been built to look like pony legs are coming out of the walls to hold the torches."
Applejack: "Eyup."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "...Are you starting to wonder what the old duarchy looked like?!"
Over a millennium ago:
God-Queen Celestia: "...and in this hallway, we shall put many a pony's disembodied leg, to remind everypony that there's always someone reaching out to hug them!"
Rarity: "Trapped in a closed room. I am starting to develop a feeling toward this castle which cannot, in all honesty, be described as fondness."
Fluttershy: "Oh my gosh! Angel! We have to find him!"
Rarity: "I am sure your pet psychopath will be fine, dear. Hm… Small hole in the wall here…"
Rarity: *reaches through hole*
Rarity: *grabs Rainbow Dash on other side of wall*
Rainbow Dash: "Applejack! I'm flattered, but I don't think Fluttershy would approve!"
Applejack: "...Ah'm over here."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Applejack: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "AAAAAAAH!" /exeunt, pursued by a shadow
Applejack: "AAAAAAAH!" /exeunt, shadowing Rainbow Dash
Rarity: "Celestia Christ! I felt something moving on the other side!"
Fluttershy: "Oooh! Was it Angel?"
Rarity: "Not unless he's grown three sizes today."
Wall: *rotates!*
Rarity: "..."
Rarity: "Well, that's it. My patience with this deathtrap castle has reached its end. We're going out, and then petitioning the government to send an excavation team or somesuch."
Fluttershy: "WAIT! We can't leave without Angel! He could be trapped somewhere with no food, without me to take care of him! WAAAA!"
Angel: *pigging out on carrots*
Angel: *because the castle's ancient arcanic food generator still works*
Angel, who cannot speak: "Ahhh. This is the life. I really should ditch the yellow [CENSORED] fucker more often."
Twilight, reading a book as is often the case: "Spike, this is awesome! This is her Momjesty's and Luna's co-journal, that they used to keep together back in the days! Check this out:"
Ancient Journal: "Another attempt to rebuild the Rainbow Bridge has failed, but I'm not losing hope. I have another idea, this time using the Golden Door."
Spike: "Uh…"
Ancient Journal: "In the meanwhile, Luna was right: Combining the slides in the walls with the revolving trapdoors to permit an ever-accelerating trajectory that crosses every room of the castle is pure fun. We're now making a game out of finding new paths for it!"
Spike: "So, that's what the leisures of the obscenely rich look like."
Ancient Journal: "And you just wait! Once we've wired everything to the Organ to the Outside, it'll be perfect!"
Spike: "The who where what now?"
Meanwhile, in another room:
Darth Shadow: *plays with their organ!*
Pipe Organ: *Buckhoven's Ode To Terror!*
Applejack: "GAAAAH! Can this place possibly get any spookier?!"
Rainbow Dash: "I'm sure it'll find a way!"
And back in the library:
Dragon: "The things I'd give for earplugs right now."
Twilight: "Oh, Spike, don't be afraid. It's just a millennium-old castle ruin that got devastated by a Dark Goddess. Of course there are strange sounds everywhere, the place is practically about to collapse on our heads!"
Spike: "...You are not the best at reassurance."
Angel, who cannot talk: "HA! All reptiles are cowards!"
Fluttershy: "Do you see any trace of Angel?"
Rarity: "Even better: I see before me some of the most wonderful tapestries in equine History! It would be a crime not to fix them!"
Fluttershy: "...I'll keep looking for Angel."
Applejack: *peeks at the armor room*
Applejack: "...Is thar any room in this here Shadowland that doesn't look like it stepped outta a horror story?"
Rainbow Dash: "It's… just armors. Totally, definitely not scary in the dark."
Applejack: "Right, right. Not like they're gonna come ta life or anythin'."
Armors, which cannot talk: "You will be deleted."
Shadowy Pony: *plays the organ!*
Armor, which cannot talk: "Your location will be upgraded." *switches place with Applejack*
Rainbow Dash: "Oh, hey there Applejack who has suddenly been assimilated by the armors and whoa WHOA AAAAAAAAAH!"
Shadowy Pony: *plays the organ!*
Rarity: *gets catapulted to the courtyard*
Fluttershy: "Oh, hey there friend whose presence is keeping me from total panic who has just disappeared whoa WHOA AAAAAAAAAH!"
Shadowy Pony: *plays the organ!*
Applejack: *lands next to gargoyle*
Applejack: "Oh, hey there menacing dragon on dramatic lightning backdrop whoa WHOA AAAAAAAAAAH!"
Shadowy Pony: *plays the organ!*
Rarity: "Oh, hey there piece of priceless ancient art piece now caught in my hooves having been forcibly torn out of the rest of it whoa WHOA AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Shadowy Pony: *plays the organ!*
Angel: *gets new carrots*
Angel, who cannot talk: "Karma's for suckers."
Rarity: "As Celestia is my witness, no force in the Underworld will stop me from restoring the glories of the bygone age! DO YOUR WORST, CASTLE!"
Rainbow Dash: "Applejack? If you're gone, or if the Cyberpony armors killed and/or assimilated you, that means I win, right?"
Armor, which cannot talk: "Gravitate." *falls on Rainbow Dash*
Rainbow Dash: "AAAAAAAAAH! I DON'T WANT TO BE A CYBERPONY!"
Fluttershy: "R-Rarity? Please please please please let this be an incredibly OOC prank you're pulling!"
Shadowy Pony: *plays Manezart's Fifth Requiem For Your Sorry Flank!*
Fluttershy: "WAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Applejack: "So… Rainbow Dash… Y'all done and got tha hell outta Dodge, right? So, Ah can go home now, right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right?"
Rarity: *carefully backing away*
Rainbow Dash: *carefully backing away*
Fluttershy: *carefully backing away*
Applejack: *carefully backing away*
Inevitability: *happens*
SCREEEEEAM!
Rainbow Dash: "I'LL LEAVE THE DARING TO DOCTOR DO, JUST LEMME OUTTA HERE!" *pinballs through castle courtyard*
Ancient tapestry, which cannot talk: "DOOM! DOOM BE UPON YOU!" *flies toward Rarity*
Rarity: "I JUST WANTED TO RESTORE ANCIENT A-A-ART!" *cries*
Fluttershy: "Hey, was that shadow over there Angel lying right next to that pillar?"
Applejack: "MAH LEG-WETTIN' TERROR GIVES MA SUPAH-STRENGTH!" *kocks pillar down on "Angel'*
Fluttershy: *atom-breaking sound coming from chest area*
Fluttershy: "ANGEEEEEEEEEEL!"
Twilight: "...What the Dream Valley was that?"
Spike: "Oh, you know - probably just this place collapsing on our heads!"
Twilight: "No-one likes sarcasm, Spike."
Angel, who cannot talk: "Yeah! Fuck you, Spike."
Twilight: *reaches the courtyard*
Twilight: "..."
Spike: "...Da buck am I watching?"
Rainbow Dash: "WHY ISN'T FLYING IN A STRAIGHT LINE WORKING?!"
Fluttershy: "PLEASE DON'T BE COMPLETELY DEAD ANGEL!"
APPLEJACK: "ANYTHIN' AH'M STOMPIN' MIGHT NOT KILL ME!"
Rarity: "A HEARSE! A HEARSE! CELESTIA'S KINGDOM FOR A HEARSE WHERE I CAN LIE DOWN AND DIE ALREADY!"
Spike: "Twilight? What are they doing?"
Twilight: "When in doubt, my first guess is usually that they're being idiots."
Twilight: "I rarely need a second guess."
Twilight: "That said, however…"
Twilight: "STOP IT! STOP BEING IDIOTS!"
Twilight: *casts 'Mass Hold Pony'. Because she's high-level like that.*
Applejack: "...What are all y'all non-Rainbow Dash ponies doin' here?"
Fluttershy: "Must… save… Angel…"
Angel, who cannot talk: "I'm over here, [CENSORED] dumbass."
Fluttershy: "Oh."
Twilight: "OK, seriously, what the Dream Valley is going on here? Have the four of you been running around and scaring each other all night?"
Applejack: "...Possibly?"
Rainbow Dash: "Depends on how well you play the organ. And whether you're a Neverborn Pony of Shadows."
Spike: "A what?!"
Twilight: "C'mon, Spike. It's just an old pony's tale. Like the Mare in the Moon!"
Shadowy Pony: *plays the organ!*
Twilight: "...I stand by my earlier assessment. Let's go check this out."
In the organ room:
Shadowy Pony: *yup, still playing!*
Twilight: "GASP! The organ is actually being played by someone, instead of random debris just continuously falling on the keyboard and coincidentally playing music all night long!"
Twilight: "...and that someone would have gotten away with it, if not for us meddling kids!" *uncloaks Shadowy Pony*
Shadowy Pony: *is Pinkie Pie*
Twilight: "I wish no-one could have seen this coming. I really, really do."
Pinkie Pie: "Hey guys! Turns out I can totally play the organ! I knew using SAN as a dump stat would pay off!"
Applejack: "...Weren't ya gonna ring tha school bell all day or somethin'?"
Pinkie Pie: "Yeah, but then Cheerilee said five minutes were enough, and that if I didn't stop she was going to have her class exercise by using me as pinata. So I followed you guys here, and saw everypony was preparing a Haunted Castle Party, so I decided to help the atmosphere by playing fun, scary music!"
Twilight: "Ow, my brain."
Organ: *launches Spike across the room*
Spike: "Ow, my everything."
Rarity: "All right. As soon as I finish this restoration work, I'll gladly follow you all back to Ponyville."
Fluttershy: "I can't believe… well, OK, I can believe I was so frightened."
Twilight: "Yeah, you girls really went loco over nothing. But! Having someone else pull you back into rationality is helpful. And more likely to work if they're your friend. So, as always, everything somehow comes back to friendship."
Rainbow Dash: "OK, but how come you weren't afraid, spending a stormy night in a spooky castle ruin filled with deathtraps?!"
Twilight: "Simple: I didn't spend a stormy night in a spooky castle ruin filled with deathtraps. I spent a lively night in a lovely castle-in-progress filled with fun contraptions. That was the picture painted by the God-Queens' journal, and that's what I was living. So, as always, everything somehow comes back to books."
Twilight: "Wait. Eureka moment incoming…"
Twilight: "EUREKA! You know how, back during my thesis, I used to write lessons I learned and send them to her Momjesty? And how we started all doing that?"
Twilight: "Well, there's always stuff to learn, and lessons are meant to be shared! If reading this journal could help me… imagine what we could accomplish if we held a joint diary and recorded our experiences along with everything we learned from them! I DECLARE A NEW GROUP PROJECT!"
Applejack: "Entry one: Ah'm glad there ain't no Neverborn Pony o'Shadows."
Meanwhile, in the shadows…
"Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of ponies?"
- Location
- New Hampshire
Eh, better than how Christmas is handled in the US. *Shudders in retail*
Okay, a good episode overall.
Between the ever-expanding Christmas season and global warming, you guys seem headed toward a reverse Narnia situation - "Always Christmas, but never winter".
- Location
- New Hampshire
I genuinely hate November and December, now.
Daring Don't
God-Queen Luna: "Dear sister, you will be glad to know that I have already memorized the names and roles of every member of the Commission on Narrative Weapons for tomorrow's hearing."
God-Queen Celestia: "...What?"
God-Queen Luna: "I will, admittedly, need to read up a bit further on the current Baltimare situation before receiving the mayor's visit."
God-Queen Celestia: "...What?"
God-Queen Luna: "As for raising the sun… Well, I've got the basics, but do you have any tips on getting the angle and timing just right for this time of the year?"
God-Queen Celestia: "...Luna, what are you on?"
God-Queen Luna: "Well, these are your scheduled tasks for tomorrow. My understanding is that I'm supposed to take up your slack when you're unavailable."
God-Queen Celestia: "Well, yes, but I have no particular plans to be unavailable tomorrow."
God-Queen Luna: "This cannot be right." *holds up poster* "See for yourself: A.K. Yearling, 47th of her name and author of the Daring Do novel series, is scheduled to appear at a convention in Manehattan tomorrow."
God-Queen Celestia: "Oh, that."
God-Queen Luna: "You seem unconcerned. Did you not explain to me - back in season two - that you had written her books under a pen name, taking inspirations both from the earlier tales of a hero named Indiana and your own quests for magic coins and golden horseshoes?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Yes. Yes I did. But… OK, this might take a while. Luna, do you remember the Golden Door?"
DARING DON'T
Fluttershy: "All right, little birdies - it's time for you to learn how to soar the air."
Little Birdies, who can't talk: "But the air is scary! The nest's so much safer."
Fluttershy: "Oh, but birdies - I'm really hoping for you to join me in the sky.
[To the tune of "A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood:]
Fluttershy: "It's a beautiful day in the atmosphere
A beautiful day for a neighbor
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
It's a non-windy day in the troposphere
A day to fly down to the pet store
Would-"
Rainbow Dash: "FOUR MONTHS!"
Fluttershy: "...What?"
Rainbow Dash: "Only four months! That's as little as 120 days and change! I think I'm gonna count the seconds!"
Fluttershy: "...What?"
Rainbow Dash: "I'm so excited, I think my heart is going to beat fast enough to make its own rainboom! MY LIFE HAS NEW MEANING!"
Fluttershy: "...Rainbow Dash, um, if that's all right with you… could you tell me what you're on?"
Rainbow Dash: "DARING DO! The next book is slated to go out in exactly four months! I'm getting shivers just thinking about it! All the fans are getting excited! They're even recruiting fans at renfaires for a giant Daring Do LARP, there's talks of a movie adaptation, and an illustrated one by Golden Door Comics! As for me, I am dedicating myself to celebrating every instant that brings us closer to the glorious new book!"
Fluttershy: "Um… Yay? I think?"
Rainbow Dash: "HEY TWILIGHT! Only three months and twenty-six days until-"
Pinkie Pie: "PARTYYYYYY!"
Rainbow Dash: "...What."
Pinkie Pie: "We're celebrating National Random Holiday!"
Rainbow Dash: "...What."
Pinkie Pie: "And try the punch! The secret ingredient is… a secret!"
Rainbow Dash: "Pinkie Pie, what are you on?!"
Pinkie Pie: "Confetti. But I'm taking rehab seriously!"
Rarity: "Forget it, dear. It's Pinkie Pie."
Rainbow Dash: "Point. But how come I wasn't invited?"
Applejack: "Ya were. Ya were so busy readin' tha last Darin' Do book - again - ya didn't even notice."
Rainbow Dash: "Hey! At least this time I remembered to breath while reading! But hey - three months and twenty-six days before the next one!"
Twilight: "Actually, the publishing house said it would be delayed by another couple of months-"
Rainbow Dash: "I HAVE LOST THE WILL TO LIVE!"
Rainbow Dash: "Withdrawal symptoms… heart, palpitating… sweat, flooding… nausea, overwhelming… legs, weakening…"
Pinkie Pie: "...Are you sure I'm the one who needs rehab?"
Rainbow Dash: "WHYYYY?! WHY WOULD THIS SADISTIC UNIVERSE DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS?!"
Twilight: "Author A.K. Yearling the 47th apparently needs more time than initially expected. It happens."
Rainbow Dash: "Well, pack your Celestiadamn saddlebags! We're tracking down Yearling and taking care of shit."
Rainbow Dash: "The new book is obviously delayed because she needs help dealing with whatever everyday nonsense is distracting her from spending her every living breathing second writing, so I - I mean, fans like me - can get to read the next book ASAP!" [/actual dialog]
Twilight: "...You're one of those creepy fans who write angry letters about how the author isn't being consistent with your fanfic, aren't you?"
Rainbow Dash: "So it's settled then! We're going to Yearling's place, so we can do her laundry, cook her meals, romance her spouse and torment her tax collector for her!"
Twilight: "As opposed to, I don't know, respect her privacy for her?"
Rainbow Dash: "Yes. As opposed to that."
Twilight: "And if we don't join you on this idiotic quest, you will no doubt embark upon it alone and cause no end of trouble."
Rainbow Dash: "Most likely."
Twilight: *sigh* "Pack your momdamn saddlebags."
A longer-than-it-should-be trip later…
Pinkie Pie: "I'm gonna paint this country red!"
Twilight: "...You carried half a ton of paint just for the sake of a visual joke?"
Pinkie Pie: "Why else would I carry half a ton of paint?"
Twilight: *sigh* "Look, everyone (and by everyone I mean Rainbow Dash): This is a pretty remote part of Equestria. If A.K. Yearling the 47th deliberately lives here, that rather strongly suggests that the moral of this episode is about respecting people's privacy. Anypony in favor of learning the moral lesson early and sparing ourselves a whole bunch of awkward hijinks? Anypo-"
Rainbow Dash: "Found her house!"
Rainbow Dash: "Her wreck of a house."
Rainbow Dash: "Her burglarred, pillaged wreck of a house."
Rainbow Dash: "Not good."
Twilight: "Wait, what? This makes no sense. If her house was burglarred, that suggests she does need help. But how do you transition from that into a moral lesson about privacy?"
Rarity: "Maybe… Maybe the moral lesson of this episode isn't about privacy?"
Twilight: "That makes no narrative sense! We opened on Rainbow Dash being an entitled idiot in dire need of learning this specific lesson! What sort of writer would introduce this sort of major problem only to drop it and move onto…"
Twilight: "Oh for her Momjesty's sake. This was written by Polsky, wasn't it."
Pinkie Pie: "Hey! Lay off Polsky! He's written good episodes too! Heck, some people like all his episodes!"
Twilight: "But much of his writing is so shallow! It makes a complete mess of moral issues, and it lacks any sense of Equestria as an actual place - it just uses it as a vehicle for jokes!"
Pinkie Pie: "First off, he's gotten better at that. Second, what if some viewers like the jokes? What if that's precisely why some of them enjoy the show?"
Twilight: "But what about - no, I suppose you have a point. There's more than one valid way of enjoying something, and I shouldn't get too hung up if someone gets it 'wrong' from my perspective."
Rainbow Dash: "Can you lay off the moral lessons for a bucking minute and get back to the plot?! Something terrible may or may not have happened to the best author in Equestria! This endangers the flow of books!"
Suddenly: *Enters A.K. Yearling the 47th, armed with +3 Withering Glare!*
A.K. Yearling: "What in Niblik's name have you numbskulls done to my house?!"
Twilight: "Wasn't us, I swear!"
A.K. Yearling: "And you! What is it with you having both wings and a horn?! What are you, some kind of Mary-Sue?!"
Twilight: "...I'm really, really not."
A.K. Yearling: "Forget it. Where's the…"
A.K. Yearling: *locates high-security safe with big magic ring inside*
A.K. Yearling: "Whew. Disaster averted."
Rainbow Dash: "Well then! Crisis averted. So, how about, instead of worrying about silly things like burglary and stuff, you get back to work on making the next book? Nobody likes a lazybutt!"
A.K. Yearling: "Go buck yourself."
Twilight: "Yeah, that." *drags Rainbow Dash outside* "Rainbow Notthegeethree Dash! Have you no shame?! Just because you think of Miss Yearling as your personal entertainment factory rather than an actual person with her own desires, that's no excuse to treat her as such! In the words of Neigh Gaitmare, A.K. Yearling is not your bitch! Leave Yearling alone!"
Pinkie Pie: "Maybe you should tell that three three burglars who just barged into her house."
Twilight: "Oh horseapples."
Thugs: *approach A.K. Yearling*
A.K. Yearling: "Only three of you? I'm slightly insulted."
A.K. Yearling: *transforms into…*
...Daring Do: *bucks flank!*
Twilight & Rainbow Dash: "PONY WHAT!?"
Twilight: "A.K. Yearling is Daring Do?! But… That makes no sense… The history in the books gets several facts wrong… the odds of success are often ridiculous… an action archeologist as busy as her wouldn't have the time to actually sit down and write it all… the public would have found out… the archeological sites would be known by now…"
Twilight: "OK, you know what? Buck it. I'm not going to give myself a headache trying to figure Polsky's stuff out. Maybe the Where-I-Watcher can handle it once the next movie comes out or something. For now, it's FANGASM TIME!"
Thugs: *try to seize magic ring*
Daring Do: *fights thugs*
Rainbow Dash: "This is awesome!"
Twilight: "This is magical!"
Rarity: "This is amazing!"
Applejack: "This is incredible!"
Fluttershy: "This, um, is exciting."
Pinkie Pie: "This is fun! In a violent, action-y kinda way!"
Ring: *falls into the wrong hooves*
Doctor Caballeron: "Again, Doctor Do, we see there is nothing you can possess which I can't take away."
Daring Do: "Caballeron, you malevolent mercenary! Return this ring at once!"
Rainbow Dash: "Oooh! This guy first showed up in the fourth book!"
Twilight: "I know! He wanted to team up with Daring Do, but she refused because of his lack of professional ethic and his treating archeology like a treasure hunt!"
Caballeron: "Now if you'll excuse me, Daring - I intend to sell this ring to Ahuizotl for his own megalomanic schemes, and retire into the lap of luxury."
Daring Do: "You foal! Don't you realize the deadly consequences of handing Ahuizotl this kind of power?!"
Caballeron: "Eh. Once I have my money, I figure he's the God-Queen's problem." *departs with thugs in tow*
Fluttershy: "..."
Fluttershy: "Shouldn't we help her? Or something?"
Twilight: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Applejack: "..."
Rarity: "..."
Pinkie Pie: "..."
Twilight: "Er, Fluttershy? This is the part where you're supposed to exclaim that you're surrounded by idiots."
Fluttershy: "That just sounds mean."
Rainbow Dash: "So, um, you OK?"
Daring Do: "Buck you."
Fluttershy: "Um, she was just trying to help."
Daring Do: "Two things:"
Daring Do: "First, you flankholes stood aside and treated my fight like a show. Like I exist for your entertainment, instead of being a real person. Some help."
Daring Do: "Second, I work alone. Especially when the help available has shown itself to be untrustworthy."
Daring Do: "In short: Beat it, I've got a day to save." *departs*
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "Well, sounds like we should go and help her then!"
Twilight: "...Did you not hear a word of what she said?"
Rainbow Dash: "Her lips moved and some noise came out, but nothing that sounded like a reasonable sentence. Besides, c'mon! We're the Elemental Harmony Squad! Heroes don't let ancient Aztec monsters put together magical superweapons!"
Twilight: "Point. However, it sounds like we're way over our head. We need a plan-"
Rainbow Dash: "I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of us having defeated several threats way bigger than this in the past!" *dashes off*
Twilight: "Well, somepony is getting a less-than-glowing review in my weekly squad report!"
Rainbow Dash: "This is my chance! My chance to work with the coolest mortal pony of all times! This is totally not pinging my insecurities!"
Rainbow Dash: "...OK, maybe it is, a little."
Rainbow Dash: "Get a grip, me! I've fought Night Mare Moon, the Ebon Dragon, Changeling armies, King Sombra, DVDs, and more! I'm practically as big a hero as her!"
Rainbow Dash: "...But she has one of the most successful book series out there based on her adventures. My attempts at merchandizing with Mysterious Benefactor Inc. ended in dismal failure."
Rainbow Dash: "Oh come on, me. Just talk to her. It's not like she's gonna punch you for saying the wrong thing-"
Daring Do: *punches Rainbow Dash* "HA! When trying to be stealthy, saying anything is the wrong thing!"
Rainbow Dash: "Waaaait! It's just me!"
Daring Do: "Oh joy. The jerkass."
Rainbow Dash, to herself: "OK, Dash. You got this. Just say something impressive."
Rainbow Dash: "I own a life-sized blow-up doll of you. I keep it clean with my tongue."
Rainbow Dash, to herself: "I'm so smooth, ice rinks are jealous!"
Daring Do: "Can we get to the part of the conversation where you leave already?"
Rainbow Dash: "Preeetty sure it's after we have an epic hero team-up to save the world!"
Daring Do: "There isn't enough 'no' in the world. No team-ups. Not gonna happen."
Rainbow Dash: "Whyever not?"
Daring Do: "Because I'm a doctor of archeology with a specialization in ancient superweapons! My job involves discovering facts that are too dangerous to be released to the public, and I can't work with some hotshot I can't trust to keep a secret!"
Rainbow Dash: "No worry - you get to work with me instead!"
Caballeron&thugs: *camping out*
Rainbow Dash: "Well, there they are. What's the plan?"
Daring Do: "You shut up and sit down. I put on a disguise that would never work in better lighting conditions."
Daring Do, Mistress of Disguise: "Howdy, gentlecolts. I understand that you have a valuable ancient artifact, which I might be able to acquire with this humongous bag of gold."
Caballeron: "Well, I had another buyer lined up, but, pecunia non olet. Sold!"
SUDDENLY AHUIZOTL!
Caballeron: "Nice doing business you. See you all. From very, very far away." *gallops with gold*
Ahuizotl: "The ring! We wants it, we needs it! Give me the ring, Derry!"
Daring Do: "Now Ahuizotl, you know I love you, but I can't give you the ring till I've properly proposed!"
Rainbow Dash: "Actual dialog from Daring Do! Awesome!"
Ahuizotl: "Proposal? Me, I prefer offers you can't refuse. Especially if they involve severed equine heads."
Ahuizotl: "AVAST, MY FELINE HORDE!"
Tiger: "What immortal hand or eye, yadda yadda yadda."
Daring Do vs. felines: *FIGHT!*
Rainbow Dash: "Hey, Daring Do! I got your hat! Do you want it back? Or is it OK if I keep it so I can put it on my blow-up doll of you? You know, for authenticity?"
Ahuizotl: *grabs Rainbow Dash*
Ahuizotl: "Yo, Derry! Distracting hostage at 2 o'clock!"
Daring Do: "Out of the way, hotshot!"
Felines: *attack Daring Do while she's distracted*
Ahuizotl: "Fall! FALL!"
Daring Do: *tied up*
Ahuizotl: "I would have waited an eternity for this. It's over, Derry!"
Rainbow Dash: "Don't worry, Daring Do! I'll save y-" *gets thrown into the decor*
Daring Do: "Oh just shut up already."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "That… could have gone better."
Rest of the Elemental Harmony Squad: *arrive*
Twilight: "Rainbow Dash! Are you all right?"
Rainbow Dash: "No. I'm a buckup. My interference helped Ahuizotl get the ring and capture Daring Do."
Twilight: "Oh, Rainbow Dash. I'm sure you were only trying to help."
Pinkie Pie: "Really? Wow! When you kept muttering all the way here how Rainbow Dash was being a selfish jerk who was messing with a delicate situation for her own gratification, I really misunderstood you!"
Rarity: "Not now, dear."
Twilight: "Ahem. Anyway, I guess we should go save the day, then."
Rainbow Dash: "Why bother? She works alone. She's better off without me."
Twilight: "You mean, like I would have been better off braving the Everfree Forest alone in my quest for the Rainbow Deathray? Yeah, no. The lone wolf act only works in books, Rainbow. In real life, isolated individuals can't accomplish all that much - sooner or later, they run into something that requires a team effort."
Twilight: "And us? We're the team. We save Equestria several times a year. And maybe you don't feel like it right now, but you happen to be a vital member of this rather excellent team. So how about you stop moping and help us buck flank?"
Daring Do: "Ahuizotl, you bestial blackguard! You won't get away with this!"
Ahuizotl: "On the contrary, Derry - once I have activated the rings, I will be able to control the diffraction of the air, turning the very atmosphere into a giant lens, weaponizing sunlight into a deadly weapon with which to incinerate those who stand in my way! The power of the Ancients shall be mine to command!"
Ahuizotl: *activates deathtrap and leaves*
Daring Do: "..."
Daring Do: "Ahuizotl… you forget: The Ancients were dicks. That included the Ancient who handled logistics. They always cut corners on these buildings." *begins freeing herself*
Rainbow Dash: "Heeeeere I come to save the daaaaaay!"
Daring Do: "...Fuck."
Rainbow Dash: "Hey, don't complain. I got you your hat."
Daring Do: "What part of 'I work alone' - or, for that matter, of 'I don't like you' - didn't you get?"
Rainbow Dash: "Oh, Derry. People who say they don't like me are just in denial."
Daring Do: "You're not going to leave, are you."
Rainbow Dash: "Nope!"
Daring Do: "Not even if I ask."
Rainbow Dash: "Nope!"
Daring Do: "Not even if you're a freaking menace who makes everything worse outside wherever your hometown is."
Rainbow Dash: "Nope!"
Daring Do, internally: "Smile and nod at the crazy pony, Daring. If she keeps it up after the dust clear, well, that's what Celestia made restraining orders for."
A few centuries ago:
God-Queen Celestia: "My dear senators, I would like to introduce a new legal concept called a 'restraining order'."
Senator Ol'-Timey: "What is it for, your Majesty?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Well, for example, suppose that a celebrity is getting stalked by an unhinged fan…"
Ahuizotl: "Behold, my minions - once the last ring is placed, the Ancients' superweapon will be complete!"
Minion Pony #1: "I love this plan!"
Minion Pony #2: "I'm excited to be a part of it!"
Minion Pony #3: "LET'S DO IT!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "LET'S NOT!"
Game of keep-away: *begins!*
Daring Do and Rainbow Dash: *get to work sabotaging superweapon*
Daring Do: "See, the Ancients were dicks. It was common practice for builders to include a hidden self-destruct mechanism in every building, from palaces to outhouses, and leave the owner guessing what move would cause the whole place to collapse on their head. But I've researched this place, and confirmed that the self-destruct mechanism was removing the last ring."
Rainbow Dash: "Wait. Does that mean you let yourself get captured, just to get in there? It wasn't all my fault?"
Daring Do: "I-"
Rainbow Dash: "Awesome! That's a load off my mind!"
Daring Do: "...To be fair, it's hoovy, heaving another pony to help carry this ring. Saves me the effort of making a clever pulley system or whatever."
Self-destruct mechanism: *activates*
Ahuizotl: "Oh you have gotta be kidding me."
Building: *collapses*
Ahuizotl: "CUUUURSE YOU DERRY THE PEGASUS!"
Minion Pony #1: "Ow. I think I hurt my everything."
Minion Pony #2: "Yeah. No offence, dude - you run the most incredible LARP ever, and I have no idea how you can make this Ahuizotl costume so realistic, but you need to improve safety conditions."
Minion Pony #3: "Still, that was fun! Didn't expect the twist of Daring Do teaming up with the Elemental Harmony Squad. Any plan for another LARP?"
Ahuizotl: "If I ever need minions agai - I mean, I'll organize another 'LARP' when inspiration strikes. Yes, that's the ticket."
Daring Do: *destroys magical ring*
Rainbow Dash: "Huh. I thought you were gonna put it in a museum."
Daring Do: "Nah. You'd be surprised at how little historical value it has."
Rainbow Dash: "Huh? How come?"
Daring Do: "Because reasons."
Rainbow Dash: "Reasons can explain anything! So, awesome team-up, or awesome team-up?"
Daring Do, internally: "Just smile and go along with it. If she's satisfied, she might leave."
Daring Do: "Couldn't have done it without you."
Rainbow Dash: "Dear journal,
"In my recent adventure, I have learned that I'm awesome, Twilight learned privacy is for chumps, and Daring Do learned the value of trust. Or something like that. Also, check this out: A.K. Yearling has included me in her newest book! I'm not sure why she gave me derpy eyes and turned me into comic relief, but it's still awesome."
Caballeron: "Why did you call the police?! I just wanted to put my gold in the bank!"
Bank Pony: "See, that's the beauty of traceable coins."
Caballeron: "Who where what now?"
Bank Pony: "A recent invention - mostly for when the authorities need to pay a ransom to criminals in order to free hostages, or that sort of thing. Special gold coins, with a tiny iron core. Every time someone tries to put their money in the bank, the coins move across a magnetic surface. And since iron is magnetic and gold is not… well, we tend to locate the criminals pretty fast."
Caballeron: "CUUUURSE YOU DERRY THE PEGASUS!"
God-Queen Celestia: "...And that's the story of how I closed the Golden Door that separates the real world from the world of fiction. Again. Alas, some fictional elements were stranded in Equestria, including Daring Do and some of her mythos."
Good-Queen Luna: "My goodness. It might take a while before they can be safely returned to their world."
God-Queen Celestia: "Indeed. So, to accommodate Daring Do, I'm letting her borrow the A.K. Yearling identity. We're co-writing the next book."
God-Queen Luna: "And how is she… adjusting to the real world?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Could be a lot worse."
God-Queen Celestia: "...What?"
God-Queen Luna: "I will, admittedly, need to read up a bit further on the current Baltimare situation before receiving the mayor's visit."
God-Queen Celestia: "...What?"
God-Queen Luna: "As for raising the sun… Well, I've got the basics, but do you have any tips on getting the angle and timing just right for this time of the year?"
God-Queen Celestia: "...Luna, what are you on?"
God-Queen Luna: "Well, these are your scheduled tasks for tomorrow. My understanding is that I'm supposed to take up your slack when you're unavailable."
God-Queen Celestia: "Well, yes, but I have no particular plans to be unavailable tomorrow."
God-Queen Luna: "This cannot be right." *holds up poster* "See for yourself: A.K. Yearling, 47th of her name and author of the Daring Do novel series, is scheduled to appear at a convention in Manehattan tomorrow."
God-Queen Celestia: "Oh, that."
God-Queen Luna: "You seem unconcerned. Did you not explain to me - back in season two - that you had written her books under a pen name, taking inspirations both from the earlier tales of a hero named Indiana and your own quests for magic coins and golden horseshoes?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Yes. Yes I did. But… OK, this might take a while. Luna, do you remember the Golden Door?"
DARING DON'T
Fluttershy: "All right, little birdies - it's time for you to learn how to soar the air."
Little Birdies, who can't talk: "But the air is scary! The nest's so much safer."
Fluttershy: "Oh, but birdies - I'm really hoping for you to join me in the sky.
[To the tune of "A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood:]
Fluttershy: "It's a beautiful day in the atmosphere
A beautiful day for a neighbor
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
It's a non-windy day in the troposphere
A day to fly down to the pet store
Would-"
Rainbow Dash: "FOUR MONTHS!"
Fluttershy: "...What?"
Rainbow Dash: "Only four months! That's as little as 120 days and change! I think I'm gonna count the seconds!"
Fluttershy: "...What?"
Rainbow Dash: "I'm so excited, I think my heart is going to beat fast enough to make its own rainboom! MY LIFE HAS NEW MEANING!"
Fluttershy: "...Rainbow Dash, um, if that's all right with you… could you tell me what you're on?"
Rainbow Dash: "DARING DO! The next book is slated to go out in exactly four months! I'm getting shivers just thinking about it! All the fans are getting excited! They're even recruiting fans at renfaires for a giant Daring Do LARP, there's talks of a movie adaptation, and an illustrated one by Golden Door Comics! As for me, I am dedicating myself to celebrating every instant that brings us closer to the glorious new book!"
Fluttershy: "Um… Yay? I think?"
Rainbow Dash: "HEY TWILIGHT! Only three months and twenty-six days until-"
Pinkie Pie: "PARTYYYYYY!"
Rainbow Dash: "...What."
Pinkie Pie: "We're celebrating National Random Holiday!"
Rainbow Dash: "...What."
Pinkie Pie: "And try the punch! The secret ingredient is… a secret!"
Rainbow Dash: "Pinkie Pie, what are you on?!"
Pinkie Pie: "Confetti. But I'm taking rehab seriously!"
Rarity: "Forget it, dear. It's Pinkie Pie."
Rainbow Dash: "Point. But how come I wasn't invited?"
Applejack: "Ya were. Ya were so busy readin' tha last Darin' Do book - again - ya didn't even notice."
Rainbow Dash: "Hey! At least this time I remembered to breath while reading! But hey - three months and twenty-six days before the next one!"
Twilight: "Actually, the publishing house said it would be delayed by another couple of months-"
Rainbow Dash: "I HAVE LOST THE WILL TO LIVE!"
Rainbow Dash: "Withdrawal symptoms… heart, palpitating… sweat, flooding… nausea, overwhelming… legs, weakening…"
Pinkie Pie: "...Are you sure I'm the one who needs rehab?"
Rainbow Dash: "WHYYYY?! WHY WOULD THIS SADISTIC UNIVERSE DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS?!"
Twilight: "Author A.K. Yearling the 47th apparently needs more time than initially expected. It happens."
Rainbow Dash: "Well, pack your Celestiadamn saddlebags! We're tracking down Yearling and taking care of shit."
Rainbow Dash: "The new book is obviously delayed because she needs help dealing with whatever everyday nonsense is distracting her from spending her every living breathing second writing, so I - I mean, fans like me - can get to read the next book ASAP!" [/actual dialog]
Twilight: "...You're one of those creepy fans who write angry letters about how the author isn't being consistent with your fanfic, aren't you?"
Rainbow Dash: "So it's settled then! We're going to Yearling's place, so we can do her laundry, cook her meals, romance her spouse and torment her tax collector for her!"
Twilight: "As opposed to, I don't know, respect her privacy for her?"
Rainbow Dash: "Yes. As opposed to that."
Twilight: "And if we don't join you on this idiotic quest, you will no doubt embark upon it alone and cause no end of trouble."
Rainbow Dash: "Most likely."
Twilight: *sigh* "Pack your momdamn saddlebags."
A longer-than-it-should-be trip later…
Pinkie Pie: "I'm gonna paint this country red!"
Twilight: "...You carried half a ton of paint just for the sake of a visual joke?"
Pinkie Pie: "Why else would I carry half a ton of paint?"
Twilight: *sigh* "Look, everyone (and by everyone I mean Rainbow Dash): This is a pretty remote part of Equestria. If A.K. Yearling the 47th deliberately lives here, that rather strongly suggests that the moral of this episode is about respecting people's privacy. Anypony in favor of learning the moral lesson early and sparing ourselves a whole bunch of awkward hijinks? Anypo-"
Rainbow Dash: "Found her house!"
Rainbow Dash: "Her wreck of a house."
Rainbow Dash: "Her burglarred, pillaged wreck of a house."
Rainbow Dash: "Not good."
Twilight: "Wait, what? This makes no sense. If her house was burglarred, that suggests she does need help. But how do you transition from that into a moral lesson about privacy?"
Rarity: "Maybe… Maybe the moral lesson of this episode isn't about privacy?"
Twilight: "That makes no narrative sense! We opened on Rainbow Dash being an entitled idiot in dire need of learning this specific lesson! What sort of writer would introduce this sort of major problem only to drop it and move onto…"
Twilight: "Oh for her Momjesty's sake. This was written by Polsky, wasn't it."
Pinkie Pie: "Hey! Lay off Polsky! He's written good episodes too! Heck, some people like all his episodes!"
Twilight: "But much of his writing is so shallow! It makes a complete mess of moral issues, and it lacks any sense of Equestria as an actual place - it just uses it as a vehicle for jokes!"
Pinkie Pie: "First off, he's gotten better at that. Second, what if some viewers like the jokes? What if that's precisely why some of them enjoy the show?"
Twilight: "But what about - no, I suppose you have a point. There's more than one valid way of enjoying something, and I shouldn't get too hung up if someone gets it 'wrong' from my perspective."
Rainbow Dash: "Can you lay off the moral lessons for a bucking minute and get back to the plot?! Something terrible may or may not have happened to the best author in Equestria! This endangers the flow of books!"
Suddenly: *Enters A.K. Yearling the 47th, armed with +3 Withering Glare!*
A.K. Yearling: "What in Niblik's name have you numbskulls done to my house?!"
Twilight: "Wasn't us, I swear!"
A.K. Yearling: "And you! What is it with you having both wings and a horn?! What are you, some kind of Mary-Sue?!"
Twilight: "...I'm really, really not."
A.K. Yearling: "Forget it. Where's the…"
A.K. Yearling: *locates high-security safe with big magic ring inside*
A.K. Yearling: "Whew. Disaster averted."
Rainbow Dash: "Well then! Crisis averted. So, how about, instead of worrying about silly things like burglary and stuff, you get back to work on making the next book? Nobody likes a lazybutt!"
A.K. Yearling: "Go buck yourself."
Twilight: "Yeah, that." *drags Rainbow Dash outside* "Rainbow Notthegeethree Dash! Have you no shame?! Just because you think of Miss Yearling as your personal entertainment factory rather than an actual person with her own desires, that's no excuse to treat her as such! In the words of Neigh Gaitmare, A.K. Yearling is not your bitch! Leave Yearling alone!"
Pinkie Pie: "Maybe you should tell that three three burglars who just barged into her house."
Twilight: "Oh horseapples."
Thugs: *approach A.K. Yearling*
A.K. Yearling: "Only three of you? I'm slightly insulted."
A.K. Yearling: *transforms into…*
...Daring Do: *bucks flank!*
Twilight & Rainbow Dash: "PONY WHAT!?"
Twilight: "A.K. Yearling is Daring Do?! But… That makes no sense… The history in the books gets several facts wrong… the odds of success are often ridiculous… an action archeologist as busy as her wouldn't have the time to actually sit down and write it all… the public would have found out… the archeological sites would be known by now…"
Twilight: "OK, you know what? Buck it. I'm not going to give myself a headache trying to figure Polsky's stuff out. Maybe the Where-I-Watcher can handle it once the next movie comes out or something. For now, it's FANGASM TIME!"
Thugs: *try to seize magic ring*
Daring Do: *fights thugs*
Rainbow Dash: "This is awesome!"
Twilight: "This is magical!"
Rarity: "This is amazing!"
Applejack: "This is incredible!"
Fluttershy: "This, um, is exciting."
Pinkie Pie: "This is fun! In a violent, action-y kinda way!"
Ring: *falls into the wrong hooves*
Doctor Caballeron: "Again, Doctor Do, we see there is nothing you can possess which I can't take away."
Daring Do: "Caballeron, you malevolent mercenary! Return this ring at once!"
Rainbow Dash: "Oooh! This guy first showed up in the fourth book!"
Twilight: "I know! He wanted to team up with Daring Do, but she refused because of his lack of professional ethic and his treating archeology like a treasure hunt!"
Caballeron: "Now if you'll excuse me, Daring - I intend to sell this ring to Ahuizotl for his own megalomanic schemes, and retire into the lap of luxury."
Daring Do: "You foal! Don't you realize the deadly consequences of handing Ahuizotl this kind of power?!"
Caballeron: "Eh. Once I have my money, I figure he's the God-Queen's problem." *departs with thugs in tow*
Fluttershy: "..."
Fluttershy: "Shouldn't we help her? Or something?"
Twilight: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Applejack: "..."
Rarity: "..."
Pinkie Pie: "..."
Twilight: "Er, Fluttershy? This is the part where you're supposed to exclaim that you're surrounded by idiots."
Fluttershy: "That just sounds mean."
Rainbow Dash: "So, um, you OK?"
Daring Do: "Buck you."
Fluttershy: "Um, she was just trying to help."
Daring Do: "Two things:"
Daring Do: "First, you flankholes stood aside and treated my fight like a show. Like I exist for your entertainment, instead of being a real person. Some help."
Daring Do: "Second, I work alone. Especially when the help available has shown itself to be untrustworthy."
Daring Do: "In short: Beat it, I've got a day to save." *departs*
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "Well, sounds like we should go and help her then!"
Twilight: "...Did you not hear a word of what she said?"
Rainbow Dash: "Her lips moved and some noise came out, but nothing that sounded like a reasonable sentence. Besides, c'mon! We're the Elemental Harmony Squad! Heroes don't let ancient Aztec monsters put together magical superweapons!"
Twilight: "Point. However, it sounds like we're way over our head. We need a plan-"
Rainbow Dash: "I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of us having defeated several threats way bigger than this in the past!" *dashes off*
Twilight: "Well, somepony is getting a less-than-glowing review in my weekly squad report!"
Rainbow Dash: "This is my chance! My chance to work with the coolest mortal pony of all times! This is totally not pinging my insecurities!"
Rainbow Dash: "...OK, maybe it is, a little."
Rainbow Dash: "Get a grip, me! I've fought Night Mare Moon, the Ebon Dragon, Changeling armies, King Sombra, DVDs, and more! I'm practically as big a hero as her!"
Rainbow Dash: "...But she has one of the most successful book series out there based on her adventures. My attempts at merchandizing with Mysterious Benefactor Inc. ended in dismal failure."
Rainbow Dash: "Oh come on, me. Just talk to her. It's not like she's gonna punch you for saying the wrong thing-"
Daring Do: *punches Rainbow Dash* "HA! When trying to be stealthy, saying anything is the wrong thing!"
Rainbow Dash: "Waaaait! It's just me!"
Daring Do: "Oh joy. The jerkass."
Rainbow Dash, to herself: "OK, Dash. You got this. Just say something impressive."
Rainbow Dash: "I own a life-sized blow-up doll of you. I keep it clean with my tongue."
Rainbow Dash, to herself: "I'm so smooth, ice rinks are jealous!"
Daring Do: "Can we get to the part of the conversation where you leave already?"
Rainbow Dash: "Preeetty sure it's after we have an epic hero team-up to save the world!"
Daring Do: "There isn't enough 'no' in the world. No team-ups. Not gonna happen."
Rainbow Dash: "Whyever not?"
Daring Do: "Because I'm a doctor of archeology with a specialization in ancient superweapons! My job involves discovering facts that are too dangerous to be released to the public, and I can't work with some hotshot I can't trust to keep a secret!"
Rainbow Dash: "No worry - you get to work with me instead!"
Caballeron&thugs: *camping out*
Rainbow Dash: "Well, there they are. What's the plan?"
Daring Do: "You shut up and sit down. I put on a disguise that would never work in better lighting conditions."
Daring Do, Mistress of Disguise: "Howdy, gentlecolts. I understand that you have a valuable ancient artifact, which I might be able to acquire with this humongous bag of gold."
Caballeron: "Well, I had another buyer lined up, but, pecunia non olet. Sold!"
SUDDENLY AHUIZOTL!
Caballeron: "Nice doing business you. See you all. From very, very far away." *gallops with gold*
Ahuizotl: "The ring! We wants it, we needs it! Give me the ring, Derry!"
Daring Do: "Now Ahuizotl, you know I love you, but I can't give you the ring till I've properly proposed!"
Rainbow Dash: "Actual dialog from Daring Do! Awesome!"
Ahuizotl: "Proposal? Me, I prefer offers you can't refuse. Especially if they involve severed equine heads."
Ahuizotl: "AVAST, MY FELINE HORDE!"
Tiger: "What immortal hand or eye, yadda yadda yadda."
Daring Do vs. felines: *FIGHT!*
Rainbow Dash: "Hey, Daring Do! I got your hat! Do you want it back? Or is it OK if I keep it so I can put it on my blow-up doll of you? You know, for authenticity?"
Ahuizotl: *grabs Rainbow Dash*
Ahuizotl: "Yo, Derry! Distracting hostage at 2 o'clock!"
Daring Do: "Out of the way, hotshot!"
Felines: *attack Daring Do while she's distracted*
Ahuizotl: "Fall! FALL!"
Daring Do: *tied up*
Ahuizotl: "I would have waited an eternity for this. It's over, Derry!"
Rainbow Dash: "Don't worry, Daring Do! I'll save y-" *gets thrown into the decor*
Daring Do: "Oh just shut up already."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "That… could have gone better."
Rest of the Elemental Harmony Squad: *arrive*
Twilight: "Rainbow Dash! Are you all right?"
Rainbow Dash: "No. I'm a buckup. My interference helped Ahuizotl get the ring and capture Daring Do."
Twilight: "Oh, Rainbow Dash. I'm sure you were only trying to help."
Pinkie Pie: "Really? Wow! When you kept muttering all the way here how Rainbow Dash was being a selfish jerk who was messing with a delicate situation for her own gratification, I really misunderstood you!"
Rarity: "Not now, dear."
Twilight: "Ahem. Anyway, I guess we should go save the day, then."
Rainbow Dash: "Why bother? She works alone. She's better off without me."
Twilight: "You mean, like I would have been better off braving the Everfree Forest alone in my quest for the Rainbow Deathray? Yeah, no. The lone wolf act only works in books, Rainbow. In real life, isolated individuals can't accomplish all that much - sooner or later, they run into something that requires a team effort."
Twilight: "And us? We're the team. We save Equestria several times a year. And maybe you don't feel like it right now, but you happen to be a vital member of this rather excellent team. So how about you stop moping and help us buck flank?"
Daring Do: "Ahuizotl, you bestial blackguard! You won't get away with this!"
Ahuizotl: "On the contrary, Derry - once I have activated the rings, I will be able to control the diffraction of the air, turning the very atmosphere into a giant lens, weaponizing sunlight into a deadly weapon with which to incinerate those who stand in my way! The power of the Ancients shall be mine to command!"
Ahuizotl: *activates deathtrap and leaves*
Daring Do: "..."
Daring Do: "Ahuizotl… you forget: The Ancients were dicks. That included the Ancient who handled logistics. They always cut corners on these buildings." *begins freeing herself*
Rainbow Dash: "Heeeeere I come to save the daaaaaay!"
Daring Do: "...Fuck."
Rainbow Dash: "Hey, don't complain. I got you your hat."
Daring Do: "What part of 'I work alone' - or, for that matter, of 'I don't like you' - didn't you get?"
Rainbow Dash: "Oh, Derry. People who say they don't like me are just in denial."
Daring Do: "You're not going to leave, are you."
Rainbow Dash: "Nope!"
Daring Do: "Not even if I ask."
Rainbow Dash: "Nope!"
Daring Do: "Not even if you're a freaking menace who makes everything worse outside wherever your hometown is."
Rainbow Dash: "Nope!"
Daring Do, internally: "Smile and nod at the crazy pony, Daring. If she keeps it up after the dust clear, well, that's what Celestia made restraining orders for."
A few centuries ago:
God-Queen Celestia: "My dear senators, I would like to introduce a new legal concept called a 'restraining order'."
Senator Ol'-Timey: "What is it for, your Majesty?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Well, for example, suppose that a celebrity is getting stalked by an unhinged fan…"
Ahuizotl: "Behold, my minions - once the last ring is placed, the Ancients' superweapon will be complete!"
Minion Pony #1: "I love this plan!"
Minion Pony #2: "I'm excited to be a part of it!"
Minion Pony #3: "LET'S DO IT!"
Elemental Harmony Squad: "LET'S NOT!"
Game of keep-away: *begins!*
Daring Do and Rainbow Dash: *get to work sabotaging superweapon*
Daring Do: "See, the Ancients were dicks. It was common practice for builders to include a hidden self-destruct mechanism in every building, from palaces to outhouses, and leave the owner guessing what move would cause the whole place to collapse on their head. But I've researched this place, and confirmed that the self-destruct mechanism was removing the last ring."
Rainbow Dash: "Wait. Does that mean you let yourself get captured, just to get in there? It wasn't all my fault?"
Daring Do: "I-"
Rainbow Dash: "Awesome! That's a load off my mind!"
Daring Do: "...To be fair, it's hoovy, heaving another pony to help carry this ring. Saves me the effort of making a clever pulley system or whatever."
Self-destruct mechanism: *activates*
Ahuizotl: "Oh you have gotta be kidding me."
Building: *collapses*
Ahuizotl: "CUUUURSE YOU DERRY THE PEGASUS!"
Minion Pony #1: "Ow. I think I hurt my everything."
Minion Pony #2: "Yeah. No offence, dude - you run the most incredible LARP ever, and I have no idea how you can make this Ahuizotl costume so realistic, but you need to improve safety conditions."
Minion Pony #3: "Still, that was fun! Didn't expect the twist of Daring Do teaming up with the Elemental Harmony Squad. Any plan for another LARP?"
Ahuizotl: "If I ever need minions agai - I mean, I'll organize another 'LARP' when inspiration strikes. Yes, that's the ticket."
Daring Do: *destroys magical ring*
Rainbow Dash: "Huh. I thought you were gonna put it in a museum."
Daring Do: "Nah. You'd be surprised at how little historical value it has."
Rainbow Dash: "Huh? How come?"
Daring Do: "Because reasons."
Rainbow Dash: "Reasons can explain anything! So, awesome team-up, or awesome team-up?"
Daring Do, internally: "Just smile and go along with it. If she's satisfied, she might leave."
Daring Do: "Couldn't have done it without you."
Rainbow Dash: "Dear journal,
"In my recent adventure, I have learned that I'm awesome, Twilight learned privacy is for chumps, and Daring Do learned the value of trust. Or something like that. Also, check this out: A.K. Yearling has included me in her newest book! I'm not sure why she gave me derpy eyes and turned me into comic relief, but it's still awesome."
Caballeron: "Why did you call the police?! I just wanted to put my gold in the bank!"
Bank Pony: "See, that's the beauty of traceable coins."
Caballeron: "Who where what now?"
Bank Pony: "A recent invention - mostly for when the authorities need to pay a ransom to criminals in order to free hostages, or that sort of thing. Special gold coins, with a tiny iron core. Every time someone tries to put their money in the bank, the coins move across a magnetic surface. And since iron is magnetic and gold is not… well, we tend to locate the criminals pretty fast."
Caballeron: "CUUUURSE YOU DERRY THE PEGASUS!"
God-Queen Celestia: "...And that's the story of how I closed the Golden Door that separates the real world from the world of fiction. Again. Alas, some fictional elements were stranded in Equestria, including Daring Do and some of her mythos."
Good-Queen Luna: "My goodness. It might take a while before they can be safely returned to their world."
God-Queen Celestia: "Indeed. So, to accommodate Daring Do, I'm letting her borrow the A.K. Yearling identity. We're co-writing the next book."
God-Queen Luna: "And how is she… adjusting to the real world?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Could be a lot worse."
- Location
- New Hampshire
God, this episode. This was... okay, sorry, sun tzu, but it's time for Striker's Rants of Ranty Ranting.
This episode is, from in and out of universe, a motherfucking clusterfuck. In-universe, so many questions are raised. Bad, immersion-breaking questions. How does Daring maintain her dual identity when she publishes what appears to be unredacted accounts of her adventures? Why hasn't Cabalerron gone public? Why is it the one adventure we see, she would've been boned without help? Why hasn't Celestia sent Daring any help to deal with all this shit?
Out-of-universe, it's a smaller version of the problem with Magical Mystery Cure. It's two episodes stapled together, and both halves are lesser for it. We have a pitch-perfect episode with the lesson of, 'the people who create entertainment are people, too, and deserve respect and patience.' And it's a lesson kids need. But then Daring is revealed to be real and that's tossed out the window as Dash lives out her fangirl fantasy and that actually seems pretty damned toxic, that Dash is rewarded for being an impatient asshole.
So... to sum up, in pretty much every way this episode is bad. But what really damns it is it could've been so much damned better and necessary. Sorry Sun tzu, but this episode needed that.