Veering Left (NGE Fanfic)

[RedDestroyer1361]

IMPORTANT: Alright folks, for anyone who is just beginning to read this story for the first time, THIS SEGMENT IS NO LONGER THE FIRST SEGMENT!

Go to the Index and you'll see the proper order of the threadmarks.

Sorry for the confusion everyone.

Anyways, for any new readers, I hope you enjoy the story!


"The ice in your veins makes you strong
The hole in your soul, tearing onward
You're breaking your back everyday
The sin and bones lead you astray"

"If you want it, you must take it
If you believe it, you can't fake it
If you have it, you must use it
If you find it, you can't lose it again"



-"Sin And Bones" by Fozzy


•4:49 PM, Wednesday October 14, 2015

The sun hangs low in the western sky, bathing the city of Tokyo 3 in a deep, warm orange light. To the right of me, my shadow dances across the facades of buildings, stepping in time with my quick, purposeful strides as I make my way home.

"Why?" I ask myself bitterly. Why did I agree to that stupid date? Mein Gott, that twit, Yosihiaki, was a sad case. And I thought Shinji was pathetic; at least he knows how worthless he is. But that moron back there...

He seemed to think he was God's gift to women or something; bragging on and on about his accomplishments and about his lofty ambitions, like he actually expected to impress me. Hah! No mere boy like him could ever hold a candle to a real man like Kaji!

Not to mention, his bright idea of a 'date' was taking me to an amusement park...a fucking AMUSEMENT PARK! As if I were still a goddamn kid or something...I may be only thirteen biologically...but mentally, I might as well be an adult!

'I mean, hell,' I think to myself, a certain purple-haired woman coming to mind, 'I'd even say that I'm a few cuts above the average adult.'

I've gone to college already...and I'm an Eva Pilot; you know, part of the elite force tasked with protecting the world from the Angels; weird, giant monsters that are by far the greatest threat humanity has ever faced? And he takes me to an AMUSEMENT PARK?! What a fucking joke...

Not to mention...the way he was eyeing me up. His attitude was one thing, but when he would look at me...

I felt like I was a fresh steak being dangled in front of a starving dog. He made Shinji seem suave and subtle by comparison! I'm actually kind of glad now that Misato refused to allow me to use her lavender perfume. It would have been a waste...and maybe worse...to use it on this lousy misadventure.

I sigh, feeling a twinge of guilt at the thought that this may come back to bite Hikari. I really hope her older sister, Kodama, who is a friend of that bipedal turd, won't give her any trouble because of me blowing off the date.

I know neither of them are going to be happy about it. Not only did I leave without saying anything, I left while Yoshiaki was standing in line for the roller coaster. It was cruel of me, I suppose, but I just couldn't stand him a moment longer.

Besides, his ego needed a bit of deflating anyway; I'm surprised he was able to walk through the amusement park gate with that fat head of his. Ah well, just another stupid, arrogant pervert in a world full to the brim of them.

Again, I sigh, as I think of Kaji. Not even the man of my dreams is completely innocent of that behavior, though. I see the way he acts around other women, and especially...I see how he looks at Misato.

I hate her for that. I mean, I AM grateful, albeit grudgingly, for how she took me in and takes care of me...

Sometimes she's like the big sister I never had, but still...

Damn it, I want Kaji to look at me at me the way he looks at her! She's a drunk, a slob, she dresses like a slut half the time, she has the gall to act like she doesn't even want him...even though I KNOW she does!

'After all, what sane women wouldn't?'

And despite all that, she's the one he looks at?! Why not me...what's wrong with me? Why won't he look at me...I mean REALLY look at me?! Why is Misato, an adult who acts like Gott damned child herself, so much more appealing than me?

Maybe because Ryoji Kaji isn't a pedophile?

'Quiet you! A-and besides, age is j-just a number dammit!'

Not to him it isn't. Not to anyone with a healthy and sane idea of what constitutes a proper relationship.

'So what, I'm insane now?! I'd prefer to use that word for someone who thinks a certain idiot, who shall not be named, would be more suitable for-'

So then...Kaji himself would fall under that banner?

'Th-that's not what I-'

And have you forgotten who I am?

That ever-annoying voice at the back of my mind sounds even more infuriatingly smug than ever.

Calling me insane is to admit insanity yourself is it not?

'Grrr! Enough of this!'

Still, I have to admit this much at least...

Not for the first time, I'm beginning to think I'm fighting a losing battle. Kaji must know how I feel about him; he is quite intelligent after all. I've gone out of my way to make it obvious to him, even to the point that I've told him that he truly is the only one for me! What more can I do that I haven't tried?

I literally threw myself at him the night before we arrived in Japan! But all he did was brush me off and tell me that I'm still a child. He even seemed uncomfortable when I got too near to him. I think he tried to be nice and hide it...but I could tell. He even tried to divert my attentions elsewhere; to the Third Child!

Admittedly though...despite clearly seeing what Kaji was doing, I had been...rather curious. And I did think to myself that maybe...if someone, anyone were to take Kaji's place...this 'hero' who had apparently saved the world three times in a row would at least be the closest second achievable.

Then, of course, I actually met Shinji Ikari in person, and...

Hmm...now that's odd...

Normally, right now I'd be scoffing the idea of even considering the Third a suitable replacement, just as I did that night back in August, and the next day when I actually met the 'Invincible Shinji'.

Normally, I'd be remembering how when I first saw Shinji Ikari in the flesh, I thought to myself, 'THIS, is the Third Child?! I wouldn't give this scrawny dork the time of day!'

And normally, I would be able to ignore any dissenting opinions from the errant parts of my mind. But alas, even in the brilliant mind of the 'Great Asuka Langley Sohryu', there are foolish thoughts and feelings.

Like the thought that Shinji's timid and awkward nature is...kinda cute in a way. That his tendency to apologize for no reason and stumble over his words is almost...endearing, if also somewhat annoying as well. The thought that, despite the first words I directly spoke to him, he actually is...something to look at...once you've taken a closer look at his deceptively plain exterior.

And most of all, I'd normally find ridiculous the idea that because he has actually put himself in harm's way to save me, that he's somehow braver than he lets on...that perhaps there is genuine strength and character beneath the shield of whimpering cowardice and teenage idiocy...and that maybe, he actually cares abou-

Gaaahhhhh, there I go again! All my worrying about Kaji is making me insane! To think there are brief moments where I actually believe any of this nonsense about Shinji! It's infuriating! He's infuriating!

I mean...I do occasionally try to reach out to him to indulge my inner stupidity just to shut it up...but he always blows it off, ignores, or just flat out seems to miss the point because he's such a fucking dummkopf!

Example? I rubbed my goddamn breasts in front of him that day at the pool! While wearing a bikini! And talking about thermal expansion!

Well...to be fair, I was mostly doing it to tease him for my own amusement. You know, fry his brain a little, and watch him squirm. But still...he could have shown at least a little more interest!

Instead, what does he do? He just goes and gets all huffy and says 'he doesn't think about things like that'. Utter bullshit! I know the way he looks at me when he thinks I'm not paying attention. And it's not really hard to guess what's on his mind.

'It just proves that he really is yet another stupid pervert, who wants to ogle me from the shadows, too cowardly to openly show his interest.'

That thought however, far from setting the matter to rest, simply opens up another troubling question.

Since I normally don't mind boys who are infatuated with me keeping their distance, as those who do openly display their interest are in grave danger of being emasculated verbally, or perhaps physically, depending on my mood and how 'lucky' they happen to be feeling...why then, do I want Shinji to express his obvious interest in me, even if I know that it's just the same shallow lust any other stupid boy would feel towards me?

Returning to reality, I pull away from these vexing thoughts. Looking around, I see that I've arrived back at the apartment building that I share with the aforementioned Shinji and Misato and, to my knowledge...no one else.

Before stepping inside and heading to the elevator, I decide to take a moment to admire the sunset.

Normally, a nondescript, white concrete building, the October sunset has painted the apartment block the lovely color of flame and autumn leaves.

The whole city, I notice, looks so breathtaking in this light. The way the sun and illuminated clouds reflect off of the glass skyscrapers...they look like towers of gold.

In spite of my earlier frustration, I now find myself feeling calm...happy even. Happy that even in a world as empty and broken as this, where such terrible things happen to the deserving and undeserving alike, that there can be moments like this; where a lovely sunset can, at least for a moment, make even a cold heart such as mine, feel warm.

And yet, even as I turn around to make my way to the elevator, ascend, and begin to walk towards my door, the warmth does not ebb away, but seems to rise...filling my soul like beautiful music. And if I had to name the instrument that came to mind, I'd have to say it was the...cello?

I pause...listening intently. That's not just my imagination...I'm actually hearing a cello playing.

As I continue towards the door, the music grows louder. So it's coming from my apartment then...a recording perhaps?

I know Misato's a pure rocker who'd probably start snoring if she so much as looked at a cello...so it must be Shinji's.

I do remember that when I unceremoniously evicted him from what is now my room, I found an SDAT player with a single battered mixtape inside of it. In spite of myself, I had at that time...and afterwards, during the countless number of times I had seen him listening to the the tape on his headphones, found myself wondering what sort of music the Third Child had on it...

I guess this finally answers my que-

No, wait...I know this piece. Bach's Cello Suite no.1...and it's played faster than this. Whoever is playing it now knows all the notes perfectly, but is likely still trying to master the tempo...that would explain why the cellist is playing the intro segment over and over again instead of going on to the next part.

Still, in a way, I think it actually sounds...better...when played slower like this...

I open the door and walk down the entrance corridor, the music now reverberating off the narrow walls of the passageway, wondering who the cellist could be; and reaching the end at last, find myself transfixed by what I see.

There, sitting in the kitchen with his back to me, and playing the cello, is Shinji Ikari. I step quietly forward into the room, not taking my eyes off of him...and I watch, amazed.

While indeed playing slower than the actual composition, he doesn't miss a single note, and...if anything, the slower tempo gives the already somber piece more gravity...a gravity that resonates well with the morose personality of the young man I've come to know.

Although I can't see his face from where I'm standing, he somehow seems...perhaps not happier, but more...at peace...than I ever remember seeing him. And with that thought, I feel a rare smile work it's way across my face. Not the predatory grin or cold smirk more typical of me, but a warm smile I can feel reaching my eyes.

I know he's an idiot and a loser, but there are times that I just can't help but feel a bit of affection for the Third Child...and the realization that Shinji has an unexpected hobby...and a surprising amount of talent for it...only makes those feelings stronger in me.

Maybe...there really is more to him than meets the eye. It's not the first time I've thought that about him...but it is the first time the thought hasn't been immediately suppressed by scornful derision.

Indeed, if I have to be honest with myself, I've been feeling less of that around him lately. I, almost...feel like I'm starting to admire him, maybe even care about him a little...and perhaps I'm even beginning to-

He stops playing, wavering the final note dramatically. And I decide to at last reveal my presence to him, as I put my hands together and applaud his work. Shinji turns around, looking thoroughly surprised to see me, and perhaps even more so, to see me clapping.

Given my usual treatment of him, I suppose he might think I'm being sardonic. But I look him in the eye, and allow myself to smile at him to show that I genuinely mean it as I say, "that was very nice Shinji! I didn't know you played."

He gives a small, wistful smile in response. "I started when I was five, but I'm still not very good. I have no talent at all." He looks like his old dejected self again, and I feel a stab of annoyance.

Seriously? I give you an actual compliment, and you still find a way to put yourself down? What are you, stupid?!

But, I do bear in mind, with a little pang of guilt, that this IS the only time I have EVER paid him a compliment that wasn't sarcastic or backhanded, and that he's probably just choosing to put himself down before I can.

So, keeping my tone friendly, I reply "well, perseverance wins the battle. I'm impressed!"

He looks pleased...for all of two seconds before drooping again. "I only started because my teachers told me to. But I could've quit any time."

I don't let him see me roll my eyes. "So why didn't you?"

With a wry smile, he says, "Huh, well nobody to me to stop, I guess."

"Ugh," I groan, as lay down on the floor of the adjacent room, unable to conceal my disappointed exasperation any longer. "I should have known."

Of course he would only have an impressive talent because someone had to talk him into taking it up. Why did I expect anything different? Still, I guess at least he hasn't given it up, even though he could...even if it's only because no one told him to stop. Ah well, so much for trying to be nice. Now he'll probably just sulk all night.

"Hey, you're back early. I thought you were going out to dinner too." His voice actually sounds slightly cheerful at these words.

Strange...he almost seems happy to see me home early.

Unsure of what to make of it, and not really wanting to play twenty questions with the idiot, I casually skim over the details of what happened. "No, my date was even more boring than you. So while he was standing in line for the roller coaster, I took a train back here."

"That seems kinda cold," he says with a twinge of disapproval. Deciding not to elaborate on how insufferably smug and lecherous the arschloch had been, I simply sigh dismissively, and remind him that Ryoji Kaji is the only real man in my life.

"Oh. Okay," is his only response before falling silent.

I'm not sure how long it is that the quiet calm lasts...before he begins to play again...and in spite of myself, and unseen by Shinji, I smile peacefully...

Stupid Shinji should stop selling himself short. By the sound of what he's playing, he's improvising all of it. And it's...wonderful....

The music he plays...for me? I wonder...it's like an extension of himself; calm, yet somber...morose, yet...with a hidden strength.

Oh...this feeling is...intoxicating...

Every melody, every note, seems to fill my soul, and resonate with a gentle, pulsating warmth and light.

And, I find myself drifting away...away from my worries about Kaji...my annoyance at my irresponsible floozy of a guardian...Yoshiaki's droning voice and unnerving, hungry eyes...the tedious chore of having to work alongside that stupid doll, Wondergirl...the infuriating indignity of having to attend middle school all over again, coupled with the struggle to learn the kanji...the general pressures of being an Eva pilot, the homesickness for Germany, and even the confusion and frustration I feel because Shinji won't look at me the way he looks at Wonderg-

"No! Stop that! Shut up, damn you!" The music dies with the ghastly squeal of the bow scraping against the strings, and I hear Shinji fumble for a moment, then he bursts into the room, looking frightened. "A-Asuka! What's wrong?!"

I'm beginning to realize that in yelling at my own mind to stop thinking such stupid thoughts, I must have actually shouted out loud. As I turn to look at the boy, I see the fear and concern in his eyes...

And feel a rising heat in my face, completely at a loss of what to say to explain myself.

"A-Asuka?" Shinji takes a tentative step forward, reaching out a cautious hand.

And with a jolt, I snap back to life, pushing his hand away. "What, idiot? What do you want?"

He recoils, backing away, looking slightly hurt, though somewhat less worried. "I-I heard you screaming just now. I-I just w-wanted t-to make sure you were okay."

"Oh? Is that so?" I sneer at him, as I rise to my feet.

Pity? From the likes of him?! That's just wonderful. Really fucking great. "Not that I'd ever need YOUR help anyway, Third Child, but as you can see, I'm fine! So just get out of my sight already! And put the stupid cello away! It's starting to give me a headache."

He does so, but not before I see his deep blue eyes become downcast and lose the light that had shone there when I had praised his playing earlier...a light I hadn't even noticed...

Until now...

A wave of regret at my outburst overtakes me as I hear the door to Shinji's room slide open and then shut....

And I start to realize that after such harsh words, my emotionally fragile roommate might never again grace my ears with his talent. And it's not like I can just ask him to play for me...

I mean, he'd do it...I'm sure he would, but then, he might get the wrong-

Ugh, I just need to be alone right now. Maybe in a little while, I'll go and take a shower...

Forget all about this stupid day...

-----------------------------------------------

 

[Strypgia]

Ouch... as if Asuka didn't have enough self-loathing, now she feels horrible for basically kicking Shinji in the pride and happiness he'd gotten from her praising his playing. The first plain praise she'd ever offered him. And she can't even apologize because of her mask.

 

[WC-83]

The concept of the fic reminds me of the Psych episode where Shawn thinks about a mistake he made in the previous episode and imagining two parallel realities: One where he didn't make the mistake and everything is so much better and warmly lit, and one where he did and everything is much bleaker and coldly lit (and what probably happened in reality).

 

[RexHeller]

I wasn't expecting much so I was very pleasantly surprised at the quality in this work. You're grasp on Asuka is excellent, as is how you manage to make it clear that what isn't being said is what's important, not what is. Also, you've inspired yet another NGE fic idea I'll probably never get around to working on. Keep up the good work.

 

[Eskjc]

This kind of reminds me of KareKano

 

[Dion]

Huh i like. Also did this change anything for Shinji? I mean obviously Asuka feels terrible but for Shinji isn't this just how Asuka acts towards him in general?

 

[Dragontrapper]

On the one hand, everything with that tag has so far left them better off than canon. On the other - I don't see how this can turn out well.

 

[MisterHalt]

Asuka realises instantly that her knee-jerk response made her a real jerk. But is it too late to fix things?

 

[Timerider]

Wow.
This is gonna be one crazy ride.
I love it!
I mean, seriously Asuka. Someone try's to see if you're ok and you verbally disimbowl them? That's low. Really low.

 

[Lone Courier 6]

Oh boy, this is gonna be a wild ride...Let's see how quickly the thread grows until the next update in the story?

 

[Doctor Squared]

Very interesting, I look forward to reading more.

 

[RedDestroyer1361]

I wasn't expecting much so I was very pleasantly surprised at the quality in this work. You're grasp on Asuka is excellent, as is how you manage to make it clear that what isn't being said is what's important, not what is. Also, you've inspired yet another NGE fic idea I'll probably never get around to working on. Keep up the good work.

Click to shrink...

Thank you! And please, get around to said idea!

I've posted half of the first chapter, and I'm inspiring someone? That makes my day

This kind of reminds me of KareKano

Click to shrink...

What's KareKano?

Huh i like. Also did this change anything for Shinji? I mean obviously Asuka feels terrible but for Shinji isn't this just how Asuka acts towards him in general?

Click to shrink...

Well...yes...but you'll see why Shinji was so deeply affected during his POV in Chapter 2

Oh boy, this is gonna be a wild ride...Let's see how quickly the thread grows until the next update in the story?

Click to shrink...

I can't believe how much it's grown already! I had no idea what kind of reception I'd get...but I'm overjoyed at what I'm seeing now

On that note, I owe a HUGE THANK YOU to @Strypgia for having helped beta read this and shared the link on the A&T thread! Thank you so much!

Very interesting, I look forward to reading more.

Click to shrink...

I look forward to posting more as well! If I'm lucky, I might have the remaining portion of Chapter 1 ready to go. Here's hoping

 

[Strypgia]

Asuka realises instantly that her knee-jerk response made her a real jerk. But is it too late to fix things?

Click to shrink...

~evil laughter~ Too late? Oh, hahahahahahah....

What's KareKano?

Click to shrink...

Kareshi Kanojou Non Jijo, a really good series Gainax did after Eva, about a boy and a girl starting to communicate... It means 'His and Her Circumstances'.

 

[RedDestroyer1361]

Kareshi Kanojou Non Jijo, a really good series Gainax did after Eva, about a boy and a girl starting to communicate... It means 'His and Her Circumstances'.

Click to shrink...

Ooohh, that sounds good! I must look into it when I have time

 

[Eskjc]

It's been awhile since I watched KareKano but I just remember the super fast paced internal monologues in it which this story did. Definitely worth a watch.

 

[eternal-potato]

Looking around, I see that I've arrived back at the apartment building that I share with the aforementioned Shinji and Misato and, to my knowledge...no one else.

Click to shrink...

PenPen the ninja penguin.

 

[Lone Courier 6]

Oh so should we move A&T's sacrificial altar over here? Don't worry guys,I cleaned the knife!

 

[RedDestroyer1361]

This segment, formerly the second half of Chapter 1, is now the second segment of Chapter 2.

What has NOT changed is that this is where our major divergence from canon Evangelion occurs

This is where the titular 'Unexpected Left' takes place.

Enjoy


•10:47 PM

After about an hour of standing in the steady curtain of hot water, I actually start to wash myself. Here, in the blissful privacy of cleansing steam, away from the prying eyes of the public, Hikari, Misato, stupid Shinji, and all of NERV, I can think more clearly, without fear of being questioned, should my face betray any weakness or uncertainty.

So...now that I'm away from the commotion and judgment of the world outside, I can finally ask myself...why?

Why did I explode at Shinji earlier? Me being mad at Shinji is nothing new, but this time was different. Usually it's because he's being an idiot or a pervert, or apologizing for no reason.

But this time...he was just peacefully playing his cello. I was even enjoying it! And when I randomly freaked out, he was just worried. Damn it! I actually...feel bad now...

Well...I don't know how...but I'll make it up to the idiot, at some point.

Maybe I could tell him that I was kidding about having the headache, or something...and allow him the honor of serenading me from time to time. That'll probably cheer him up.

Perhaps...if I'm ever able to win Kaji over someday and coax him into a candlelit dinner, maybe Shinji could play for us; set a lovely mood. Although...that's probably not going to happen for quite some time yet...and there's also Shinji's own feelings to consider...

Though...come on, surely he must know by now that it just isn't going to happen...ever...

Shinji's an idiot, yes...but surely not THAT much of one...

Still...maybe the least I could do is help hook him up someday. Certainly, I wouldn't ask him to entertain Kaji and I if he were still hung up on me like that...I'm not a cruel person, after all.

For some reason though, the thought of trying to divert the Third Child's attention elsewhere makes me feel weary...sad even.

Eh...probably because I know it'll be a chore. After all, this is ME that I have to find a substitute for.

And, of course...Shinji himself IS rather hopeless when it comes to relating to others...and I both pity and admire the poor, unfortunate girl that decides to try her luck with it.

But, truthfully...I do kind of owe him for a lot of the crap I've put him through, since he hasn't always deserved it when I've gotten angry with him...so, this could be my way of making it up to him, since he's almost always been nice to me, no matter what.

And I'll give it my best shot...after all The Great Asuka Langley Sohryu never half-asses anything...not even if it's for someone else!

I smile to myself, satisfied with this plan, as I shut off the water and reach for a towel.

Several minutes later, dressed, but still toweling off my hair, I make my way into the kitchen, where I can hear Shinji holding a one-sided conversation. Misato's calling, I think to myself. She's out drinking with MY man as we speak, and she'd better not be calling for the reason I think she is.

"Right. Yeah. Sure," Shinji says into the receiver and ends the call as I walk in to the room.

"Hmm, Misato?" I ask, as Shinji turns to face me. "Yeah. She'll be late, so don't wait up for her."

Those words make my stomach drop like a stone in a well.

"What?! You mean she won't be back until tomorrow morning?"

'No no no! This can't happen!'

Alright, just calm down; maybe it's not as bad as I think. Maybe Kaji already went home, and Misato and the bottle blonde, Akagi, are going bar hopping, or something. Hell, maybe if Misato spends the night at Akagi's place, she'll even send Kaji here to look after us. That's still a possibility, right? And maybe...Kaji will prove more persuadable when-

That hope lasts a split second before..."I doubt it, she's going out with Kaji," Shinji replies, and a wave of horror rises inside of me.

I'm vaguely aware of myself saying something along the lines of, "are you dense?! That guarantees it!"

But my mind is rapidly filling with images that make me want to run and scream and cry.

My beloved Kaji holding Misato in his arms beneath a cloudless, starry sky; Kaji's eyes gazing lovingly into hers...their lips meet as that purple-haired slut giggles lasciviously and moans with pleasure...

Next...I see Kaji opening a bedroom door for the two of them, a mischievous glint in his eye...her expression positively ravenous...as the door closes, and-

I don't know how long ago I moved to sit at the table...how long ago I put my head down into my folded arms....and began to shut out the world around me in a dark haze. I seem to recall Shinji timidly asking me what was wrong, to which I groaned a non-articulate response. He then muttered something about hoping I'd feel better, then walked away.

It's strange though...knowing that Kaji has chosen Misato over me should hurt more...but it doesn't.

I mean...I do feel angry, sad, and disgusted...but not as much as I expected to feel.

I thought being rejected by the love of my life would utterly destroy me...leaving me a hollow shell. But, despite how I feel now...somehow, I know that I'll get by.

And maybe...no definitely, I knew this day was coming. Deep down, I think I always knew Kaji would choose Misato; and I think I've known it since the day when they reunited on the Over The Rainbow. I've just been...deluding myself this whole time...that Kaji would come to love me back.

Far from feeling simple acceptance of the facts, however...I feel a dawning sense of hopelessness...

Who could EVER love me?

Kaji was the one person I thought might be able to do that impossible task....

It's not like I need anyone, but still...

Maybe it's better this way, for Kaji and me both.

As loath as I am to admit it, Misato really does care about him, and maybe...she'd be better for him.

That's what it really means to love someone, doesn't it? To want what's best for them?

Ugh! The thought of just forgetting about Kaji and leaving him to Misato makes me ill just thinking about it! But I know I must, if I really do love him. And I do...don't I?

After my good for nothing father walked out of my life, Ryoji Kaji was the one man in my life to actually treat me the way I'd always been taught to expect a man to treat me...despite the fact that I made his early days as my guardian an utter hell on earth for him, simply because I thought he was just another worthless adult foisted on me by NERV to make me behave; one who would, like all the others had, just give up and throw me away when I caused too much trouble...and also, just because he was a male...the first and only one of my guardians to be so...

For the crime of having a Y chromosome, I gave him a worse time of it than any of the others before him. And yet...he never gave up, he didn't run away, and always tried to be kind to me. And eventually, I let myself trust him.

I've always loved him for that...for putting up with me, and still genuinely caring about me...even though he knew, better than anyone, how horrible I could be...

As I got older, I began to take note of just how attractive the man was. I had seen men who were better looking, though not many were, but this was more than lust.

I could trust him, open my heart to him...I felt that I could share myself with Kaji in ways that I could not with anyone else. He knew my past, knew from the start how worthless I actually am...yet willingly stayed by my side.

This zenith of manhood somehow found something to value in me...when my own parents couldn't.

No one else could be worthy of me after that...

No one in this wretched world could stand beside my beloved Ryoji.

However, my attraction to him was not without its shallow and selfish facets as well, I'm ashamed to say. Even as I was falling in love, I thought that I could never be worthy of the man, but was resigned to live in celibacy rather than settle for anyone else. Then, the passing years morphed my body into the lovely specimen seen today; and all those around me...began to take note.

Naturally, I rebuffed all of them. Utter peasantry compared to the king who had my heart.

That said, I DID take their admiration to heart...

And I began to realize that as long as I could dazzle the world with my mere presence in a room, no one would ever see the real me...the worthless, abandoned child.

Seeing how many people, such as celebrities, used their relationships to raise their public status intrigued me. If I could publicly display that a man like Kaji had fallen for me...

On top of my status as one of the elite pilots for the Eva Program, and my reputation as a prodigy who was attending college at age 11, I knew that my status in the world would be all but unassailable. Given that I was such an extraordinary individual, I was sure that, eventually, most people would come to see me as an adult anyway, and thus the usual age difference taboo that stood in my way wouldn't matter to anyone who had the power to separate us.

Of course, the boost to my social standing would merely be a bonus, since I knew I really did love him, and that he cared for me in turn.

But when I made my move, I couldn't make him look at me, no matter what I did. Not the way I wanted him to...not the way he looks at Misato...not the way my father looked at that whore of a doctor...not the way Hikari and Jock Stooge look at eachother when they think no one's watching...not even the way stupid Shinji sometimes looks at fucking Wondergi-

Huh...now where did that come from?

Aside from being unable to complete any train of thought the moment I think of Shinji and Wondergirl togeth-

'Okay, seriously...what the shit is happening here?!'

Whenever...THAT thought...crops up, I start getting angry to the point that I visibly lose my composure.

It's almost like...

If I didn't know better...

Am I feeling...jealous?

'Jealous?' a part of me thinks incredulously. 'Of what....of who? Wondergirl?! Don't make me laugh! So what? Stupid Shinji wants to gawk at the creepy doll bitch? Fine with...'

Fine...with...

F-fine...w-

But no sooner do I think those words...

A crashing wave of revulsion makes me clench my fists and grit my teeth in unbidden fury.

'What's happening to me?'

Looking up at last, I look around to locate Shinji, and find him sitting against the doorway of the adjacent room, placidly reading a manga, and listening to his SDAT player.

'Jealous? Come on! Wondergirl could be here in this room right now, and it wouldn't mean a thing to you...'

Mentally, I envision the pale, blue-haired girl sitting next to stupid Shinji...her arms draped lazily about his narrow shoulders, eyes drooping as she rests her head against his neck.

And again, my stomach burns and clenches with loathing at the thought.

'W-well...of course you find it repulsive! A-after all...if they want to be all disgustingly lovey-dovey, they could at least have the decency to take it to somewhere more private and-'

But the image of that last thought does nothing to reassure me in the slightest...

Could it be...?

There's one way to know for sure...

'Ugh! I hate having to give in to you like this, you know? Fine, let's get this over with...'

I imagine the same scene as before...except that I've replaced Wondergirl...with myself...

And I wait a moment for the expected wave of disgust...

...and wait...

But...it doesn't come...

Instead I feel...a pleasant jangling of the nerves where I imagine myself making contact with Shinjii...

And I begin to envision his own arms encircling my waist...

My eyes are widening as my face starts to feel faintly warm, and my heart begins to pound faster...

I've only ever felt this way...around Kaji.

'This...this isn't right! No one but Kaji can do this to me, dammit! Nobody! Especially not the Third Child! The whiny, sniveling, weak, stupid Third Child...

...who mastered that stupid dance program with me, despite all the abuse it got him, to defeat the Seventh Angel...who jumped his Eva into a volcano, without the protection of the diving gear my Eva had, to rescue me after I fought the Eighth Angel...and, even if it didn't involve rescuing or helping me directly, it WAS pretty impressive how he caught and held up by himself, for a moment at least, the gargantuan Tenth Angel; not only the largest Angel we've yet seen, but also one who's very SPECIALTY was hurling itself to the Earth in a suicide attack...

I wonder to myself...

Have I been wrong this whole time?

Misjudged him? Perhaps...purposefully so...by downplaying his achievements while trying to convince myself that he is second rate to bolster my own ego?

I frown slightly, laying the left side of my head against the table, glaring at Shinji.

'This is stupid! All this uncertainty buzzing around in my head is ruining my focus! I am the Pilot of Evangelion Unit 02 goddamn it! I'm the best in the world at what I do, and this petulant, childish nonsense is beneath me!'

I begin to develop a bold new strategy to deal with this...insanity...inside of me.

'And on the subject of romance...Kaji may be 'spoken for'...at least until that bitch runs out on him again...but he is the ONLY man worthy of my affections! I'd sooner die waiting for him, than replace him with ANYONE! And to prove that stupid Shinji could never take his place, I'll go ahead and kiss the idiot...here and now!

I let none of these furiously churning thoughts show on my face...keeping my expression at a pensive frown as I put an arm under my head to cushion it...and continue to stare at the boy across the room.

'If part of me wants to fawn over the Third Child so damn much, fine! I'll make sure that part of me is in for one hell of a rude awakening! Surely, I'll be so disgusted when I actually kiss him...that afterwards, NO part of me will ever even CONSIDER wanting him again! And that'll set this whole mess to rest for good.'

Yes, I expect it will...

'Nip it! It's bad enough that you're forcing me to do this, so quit being so goddamn smug!'

Why shouldn't I be? We're about to do what should have been done at least a month ago.

'And you're about to experience the worst disappointment of your life! And I can't wait to say 'I told you so'. Being able to say that to you...to myself...is the only reason I even consider doing this...no other reason...n-none! That is my only purpose with this undertaking!'

Well, you seem aaawwfully sure of yourself on that, to say the least...now, enough talk. Go get him-

'Don't you dare say-'

-Tiger!

'Grrrrrr!'

That's the spirit, you're even growling like one! That's adorable!

'I hate you.'

And I'm still waiting to be 'supremely disappointed'. Nobody's perfect.

I tap my left index finger on the table, trying to decide how best to broach the subject. But, unable to think of anything better than the direct approach...I throw caution to the wind.

"Hey Shinji. You wanna kiss me?"

"Eh? What?!" He pulls out his earbuds, looking bewildered.

"Kissing," I repeat patiently, "you know. Have you ever done it?"

He sort of...nods...but seems to say "Uh uh" at the same time.

Deciding not to linger on the ambiguous answer, I push forward. "So let's do it!"

Shinji looks genuinely shocked now...and more than a little mistrustful. "Uh? But why?"

'Seriously, you're going to question this? Any other boy in your position wouldn't need an explanation.'

Knowing, of course, that I can't tell him the real reason, I simply say "I've got nothing else to do."

"That's your reason?" He looks away, as he audibly mutters, "You're weird..."

'Oh, I'm weird Third Child?! I'm the fucking weird one?! Fine then! Wanna play hard-to-get hardball with me? I'll bring out the big guns, you little shit!'

"Afraid to kiss a girl on the anniversary of your mom's death?"

Okay, even I have to admit that's more than a little underhanded of me to say...but I press on.

"Is she watching you from up in heaven?" I use my most sweetly nettling voice for maximum effect.

Shinji, for his part, looks a bit stung by this low blow...but surprisingly maintains his composure. "That's not it."

I then play my second trump card. "Or," I smirk at him imperiously, "are you just scared?"

He glares at me as he stands up. "I'm not afraid! Pucker up!"

Well...that's unusually assertive for him.

I could get used to a little more of that...

I must have really gotten under his skin by suggesting he was afraid. "Right. Did you brush your teeth?"

He affirms that he has.

"Then here I come," I say as I walk towards him.

His face is blank, but I can feel the tension building with every step I take forward, until I'm standing there...right in front of him.

For a moment, neither of us make a move. Then...I start to lean forward, as he visibly braces himself, and I can see that his face is bright red...and that he looks unsure of what to do.

'Not afraid huh?' I think to myself, scoffing at his earlier bravado.

But just when my lips are about to make contact...I pause, truly uncertain for the first time since I made up my mind...

I'm not sure I can do this...

Verdammt, I'm scared too! But why? I know exactly how this is going to go.

'It'll be disgusting, then Shinji will no longer be a distraction or disruption in my life!'

But what if I'm wrong, and...I actually like it, I wonder? What then? And what if...what if HE thinks it's disgusting?

What if he finds this...and me...repulsive, and just stands there like a statue until one of us has had enough? How will I feel then?!

I...I'm not sure I want to know. I'm not sure I can go on with this anymore...

The tickling of Shinji's shallow breathing bring me back to reality...and I narrow my eyes slightly, as I make my final decision.

'You know what, if this is going to be an unpleasant experience for me, then why should he enjoy it? I'm not doing this for him after all, this is for MY peace of mind! Whatever he gets out of this means NOTHING to me!'

"Stop breathing, it's tickling me," I say as I raise my right hand, and pinch his nose shut.

His eyes widen, the pupils shrinking visibly, as I then close the final distance, and our lips meet at last.

I wait for the disgust to overpower me, and make me push him away. And wait, and wait, and...nothing. But I feel, something. His lips are soft against mine and...pleasant.

A tingling sensation is radiating from my lips and spreading rapidly through my body, as I begin to disconnect from the room around us...and...

Mein...Gott...

I...I...like this.

By all rules of logic, this is absurd, ridiculous, and yet, I know what I feel. Have I really been lying to myself this whole time? I must have been.

Somewhere inside, I know I should let go of Shinji's nose if I want this to go on, lest he break it off to take a breath, but I'm afraid of breaking the spell cast upon me for even a moment. And yet, I wish...

Why won't you hold me? Why do you just stand there holding your breath, you idiot? If you want this, show me! Don't just stand there...be a man, damn you!

And, almost as if it were in response to the hopeless plea forming in my rapidly fogging brain...for a moment, I imagine his left hand gripping my right wrist, and pulling it forcefully off of his nose, and a gentle warmth encircling me from my left as his right arm wraps around my waist, pulls me closer and...

I open my eyes...

And what I see...almost makes me break the kiss in surprise. He is even nearer than before, his eyes now closed contentedly. My hand, no longer fastened over his nose, is held gently in his left, and as I look out of the corner of my eye, I see that he has embraced me with his free right arm.

What?

The air seems to vanish from my lungs.

What?

The tingling I felt before has turned to numb shock.

What?

'But, you're a wimp, a spineless coward. How can you do this? How can you be doing this to me?!'

Then I wonder...

Doing, what, to me, exactly?

And it's then that silent, inarticulate question of 'what' begins to morph into a different word altogether.

Yes...

And with this single, jubilant word, the numbness is replaced, all over, by pulsating heat...a glorious tension at his touch is filling my chest, making my heart pound faster until it seems to erupt from my ribs.

All the doubts and uncertainties begin to melt away, slowly, almost lovingly...until all that remains is a joyful radiance; and an almost terrifying hunger...

And yet, I can hardly feel my arms, as I slowly try to lift them to return the embrace...and also steady myself, as my legs are rapidly weakening beneath me.

Even as I place my hands upon his shoulders, I can feel the warmth in my face and chest spread outward and then downward...there is no longer any denying it.

If there is anything surrounding us, it isn't real. The floor beneath us, isn't real. Nothing is real anymore. Not even...that older guy with the stubble and the ponytail.. Ryo- something or another?

Nothing is real now, but his lips and mine, and the sensations filling the the empty space.

I...I never...want this moment to end.

"And, yet...it will someday," a dark, mocking voice inside me sneers. "Someday, even stupid Shinji will see through your pathetic facade."

Shut up.

"Give in to this moment of weakness, and you may be happy for a time," the voice has no face...yet it's tone smiles wickedly, "but once you're laid bare before him, he'll see you for what you really are."

Go away!

"He'll run away. He's a coward. He always has been, and always will be. He'd never commit to someone so broken, so empty, so fake, so...", the voice smiles wider still, "replaceable..."

And now, a new vision tears asunder the haze of ecstasy in which I was so happily immersed...

And 'I' see Shinji...older now, and more handsome than I ever could have imagined him being, walking away from 'me'...just like Papa.

'My' eyes fill with tears as 'I' crumple, sobbing, pathetic and wretched, to 'my' knees.

'So...this...is what I would become?'

"Help me", 'I' whisper. "Help me."

My lips curl into a snarl as I watch the older version of myself begin to fall apart. 'Pathetic.'

"HELP ME!" Suddenly, the self that observe begins screaming, mad with despair, losing all semblance of control. "Don't leave me! Don't abandon me!"

The pain is more than I can bear, and I feel as though I will die here and now.

But is it...my pain?

"DON'T KILL ME!"

The older Shinji stops, and turns around for just a moment. Long enough to see that his cold eyes are as pitiless and unyielding as those of another man he greatly resembles.

And I hear his answer...a single word. "No".

Then, he turns to the side, and walks towards someone else, standing nearby, looking as if she has been waiting just for him. He takes her in his arms and embraces her, looking happier than he ever has in the time 'I' have known him.

Through 'my' tear clouded, anguished eyes, 'I' realize something...

I recognize the woman...and how could I not? She has blue hair, and red eyes...

I HATE YOU!

 

[Always Late]

But, truthfully...I do kind of owe him for a lot of the crap I've put him through, since he hasn't always deserved it when I've gotten angry with him...so, this could be my way of making it up to him, since he's almost always been nice to me, no matter what.

And I'll give it my best shot...after all The Great Asuka Langley Sohryu never half-asses anything...not even if it's for someone else!

Click to shrink...

Suuuuuuuuuure.

After my good for nothing father walked out of my life, Ryoji Kaji was the one man in my life to actually treat me the way I'd always been taught to expect a man to treat me...despite the fact that I made his early days as my guardian an utter hell on earth for him, simply because I thought he was just another worthless adult foisted on me by NERV to make me behave; one who would, like all the others had, just give up and throw me away when I caused too much trouble...and also, just because he was a male...the first and only one of my guardians to be so...

For the crime of having a Y chromosome, I gave him a worse time of it than any of the others before him. And yet...he never gave up, he didn't run away, and always tried to be kind to me. And eventually, I let myself trust him.

I've always loved him for that...for putting up with me, and still genuinely caring about me...even though he knew, better than anyone, how horrible I could be...

Click to shrink...

That is... very much a realistic attitude, motive, and chain of events.

Then, the passing years morphed my body into the lovely specimen seen today; and all those around me...began to take note.

Naturally, I rebuffed all of them. Utter peasantry compared to the king who had my heart.

That said, I DID take their admiration to heart...

And I began to realize that as long as I could dazzle the world with my mere presence in a room, no one would ever see the real me...the worthless, abandoned child.

Click to shrink...

The hotshot attitude explained.

But when I made my move, I couldn't make him look at me, no matter what I did. Not the way I wanted him to...not the way he looks at Misato...not the way my father looked at that whore of a doctor...not the way Hikari and Jock Stooge look at eachother when they think no one's watching...not even the way stupid Shinji sometimes looks at fucking Wondergi-

Huh...now where did that come from?

Aside from being unable to complete any train of thought the moment I think of Shinji and Wondergirl togeth-

'Okay, seriously...what the shit is happening here?!'

Whenever...THAT thought...crops up, I start getting angry to the point that I visibly lose my composure.

Click to shrink...

It's called...

It's almost like...

If I didn't know better...

Am I feeling...jealous?

Click to shrink...

BINGO! Give the Wunderkid a prize, she figured out her feelings through mental trauma and hormones!

Fine...with...

F-fine...w-

But no sooner do I think those words...

A crashing wave of revulsion makes me clench my fists and grit my teeth in unbidden fury.

'What's happening to me?'

Looking up at last, I look around to locate Shinji, and find him sitting against the doorway of the adjacent room, placidly reading a manga, and listening to his SDAT player.

'Jealous? Come on! Wondergirl could be here in this room right now, and it wouldn't mean a thing to you...'

Mentally, I envision the pale, blue-haired girl sitting next to stupid Shinji...her arms draped lazily about his narrow shoulders, eyes drooping as she rests her head against his neck.

And again, my stomach burns and clenches with loathing at the thought.

Click to shrink...

... or not. Still, credit for a vivid imagination.

Could it be...?

There's one way to know for sure...

Click to shrink...

Aaaaaand here we go.

'Ugh! I hate having to give in to you like this, you know? Fine, let's get this over with...'

I imagine the same scene as before...except that I've replaced Wondergirl...with myself...

And I wait a moment for the expected wave of disgust...

...and wait...

But...it doesn't come...

Instead I feel...a pleasant jangling of the nerves where I imagine myself making contact with Shinjii...

Click to shrink...

Which means...

I've only ever felt this way...around Kaji.

Click to shrink...

... that you love Shinji.

'This...this isn't right! No one but Kaji can do this to me, dammit! Nobody! Especially not the Third Child! The whiny, sniveling, weak, stupid Third Child...

...who mastered that stupid dance program with me, despite all the abuse it got him, to defeat the Seventh Angel...who jumped his Eva into a volcano, without the protection of the diving gear my Eva had, to rescue me after I fought the Eighth Angel...and, even if it didn't involve rescuing or helping me directly, it WAS pretty impressive how he caught and held up by himself, for a moment at least, the gargantuan Tenth Angel; not only the largest Angel we've yet seen, but also one who's very SPECIALTY was hurling itself to the Earth in a suicide attack...

I wonder to myself...

Have I been wrong this whole time?

Click to shrink...

Asuka, I'm usually the guy who sticks up for you, but I think some bluntness is warranted here.
NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!

'If part of me wants to fawn over the Third Child so damn much, fine! I'll make sure that part of me is in for one hell of a rude awakening! Surely, I'll be so disgusted when I actually kiss him...that afterwards, NO part of me will ever even CONSIDER wanting him again! And that'll set this whole mess to rest for good.'

Click to shrink...

... thick as Krupp steel this tsundere.

Well, you seem aaawwfully sure of yourself on that, to say the least...now, enough talk. Go get him-

'Don't you dare say-'

-Tiger!

'Grrrrrr!'

That's the spirit, you're even growling like one! That's adorable!

'I hate you.'

And I'm still waiting to be 'supremely disappointed'. Nobody's perfect.

Click to shrink...

Sounds an awful lot like an older sister or a mother there. And very vivid, detailed.

Mein...Gott...

I...I...like this.

By all rules of logic, this is absurd, ridiculous, and yet, I know what I feel. Have I really been lying to myself this whole time? I must have been.

Somewhere inside, I know I should let go of Shinji's nose if I want this to go on, lest he break it off to take a breath, but I'm afraid of breaking the spell cast upon me for even a moment. And yet, I wish...

Why won't you hold me? Why do you just stand there holding your breath, you idiot? If you want this, show me! Don't just stand there...be a man, damn you!

And, almost as if it were in response to the hopeless plea forming in my rapidly fogging brain...for a moment, I imagine his left hand gripping my right wrist, and pulling it forcefully off of his nose, and a gentle warmth encircling me from my left as his right arm wraps around my waist, pulls me closer and...

I open my eyes...

And what I see...almost makes me break the kiss in surprise. He is even nearer than before, his eyes now closed contentedly. My hand, no longer fastened over his nose, is held gently in his left, and as I look out of the corner of my eye, I see that he has embraced me with his free right arm.

What?

Click to shrink...

SHINJI NUTTED UP! WOOOOO!

I...I never...want this moment to end.

"And, yet...it will someday," a dark, mocking voice inside me sneers. "Someday, even stupid Shinji will see through your pathetic facade."

Shut up.

"Give in to this moment of weakness, and you may be happy for a time," the voice has no face...yet it's tone smiles wickedly, "but once you're laid bare before him, he'll see you for what you really are."

Go away!

"He'll run away. He's a coward. He always has been, and always will be. He'd never commit to someone so broken, so empty, so fake, so...", the voice smiles wider still, "replaceable..."

And now, a new vision tears asunder the haze of ecstasy in which I was so happily immersed...

And 'I' see Shinji...older now, and more handsome than I ever could have imagined him being, walking away from 'me'...just like Papa.

Click to shrink...

WOAH! Woah-Woah-Woah!
That's no longer a vivid imagination. Does Asuka have some warped version of her mother's split personalities in her head? Does the Soryu family have a family history of mental illness? Is Asuka just having a mental breakdown after years of pressure and torment?

'My' eyes fill with tears as 'I' crumple, sobbing, pathetic and wretched, to 'my' knees.

'So...this...is what I would become?'

"Help me", 'I' whisper. "Help me."

My lips curl into a snarl as I watch the older version of myself begin to fall apart. 'Pathetic.'

"HELP ME!" Suddenly, the self that observe begins screaming, mad with despair, losing all semblance of control. "Don't leave me! Don't abandon me!"

The pain is more than I can bear, and I feel as though I will die here and now.

But is it...my pain?

"DON'T KILL ME!"

The older Shinji stops, and turns around for just a moment. Long enough to see that his cold eyes are as pitiless and unyielding as those of another man he greatly resembles.

And I hear his answer...a single word. "No".

Then, he turns to the side, and walks towards someone else, standing nearby, looking as if she has been waiting just for him. He takes her in his arms and embraces her, looking happier than he ever has in the time 'I' have known him.

Through 'my' tear clouded, anguished eyes, 'I' realize something...

I recognize the woman...and how could I not? She has blue hair, and red eyes...

I HATE YOU!

Click to shrink...

As we end chapter one on that... note, I have only one question: what's Asuka doing to Shinji while she has this little psychotic break?

 

[Timerider]

This...
This has got to be the world's most gorgeous train wreck.
Seeing Asuka building up her past, her crush on Kaji, arguing with herself, trying to justify kissing Shinji, the breakdown, all of it was beautiful.
And those words at the end...
She said them out loud again didn't she?

 

[Dragontrapper]

SHINJI NUTTED UP! WOOOOO!

Click to shrink...

Yes, but what triggered that? Its been a while since I last watched the original series, so I assume it has something to do with how the cello scene went...?

She said them out loud again didn't she?

Click to shrink...

Probably.

 

[eternal-potato]

I can't comprehend how it is possible to be so remarkably self-aware and self-deceptive simultaneously.

 

[Always Late]

Yes, but what triggered that? Its been a while since I last watched the original series, so I assume it has something to do with how the cello scene went...?

Click to shrink...

Well, we'd have to see things from Shinji's perspective to fully know, but a reasonable guess might be thinking 'I'm never gonna get a chance to show her how I feel again' and letting hormones take the wheel.

 

[Dion]

This fic is gonna send me into despair isn't it? Jeez okay well I like how Asuka's mentality is presented and how all of her actions are very believable in a sad sort of way

 

[RedDestroyer1361]

With all the changes I've made in the segment lineup of the first two chapters, this is now the THIRD and final segment of Chapter 1.

So, without further ado, here it goes


"This is so hard for me
To find the words to say
My thoughts are standing still

Captive inside of me
All emotions start to hide
And nothing's getting through

Watch me fading
I'm losing all my instincts
Falling into darkness

Tear down these walls for me
Stop me from going under
You're not the only one who knows I'm holding back

It's not too late for me
To keep from sinking further
I'm trying to find my way out
Tear down these walls for me now"



-"These Walls" by Dream Theater


•4:57 PM, Wednesday October 14, 2015

The view of the sunset through the balcony window provides a glorious setting for the next piece I decide to play, Bach's Cello Suite No. 1.

I'm still trying to learn the piece and perfect it though, so I settle for repeating the intro to the Prelude section several times, in a loop, at a reduced tempo, until I get it right. It's been too long since I've picked up my instrument. So long, that I hadn't remembered, until now, just how much of a release it is.

For a moment, I'm no longer the Third Child, pilot of Evangelion Unit 01. With my cello in hand, I am just, Shinji Ikari. No one special or important, but I like it that way.

It's safer to be someone invisible. There's no responsibility, no crushing expectations to save the world from monsters. There is only me, in my quiet corner of life, where no one can yell at me, reject me, or force me into something way over my head.

It helps, of course, that I am alone at home right now, having just recently returned from visiting my mother's grave with father.

Father...

I was actually able to hold a brief conversation with him today. I still don't understand him, and he's still so distant that it's difficult to even talk to him at all. But today seemed like....maybe...just maybe a step in the right direction. At least I didn't run away like I did this time three years ago.

Maybe after this war with the Angels is over, there'll be time to get to know him. Maybe then, he'll actually want to see me. I sigh. I'm still not sure if I hate him or not, but...I guess after today, maybe I don't.

Ah well, back to the music. This piece has been giving me a devil of a time, but I refuse just to give up on it, like I do on so many other things.

To be fair, I've been practicing this piece from memory, as I don't currently own any notation books, so my progress with this very complex Bach composition has been limited. But I've at gotten the intro nailed down now.

Even so, I play it one last time to make sure I've mastered it. Still playing at a slower tempo than the actual composition, I let the music fill me, and carry me away...away from Tokyo 3, away from Japan, away from the world, if only for a moment...

I let the last, doleful note of the segment waver dramatically as I at last decide to conclude my practice for the day. But before the music has entirely faded away, I hear another sound from behind. Applause? Surprised, I turn around to see...

Asuka?!

My roommate, Asuka Langely Sohryu, stands in the doorway. She's clapping and...smiling? "That was very nice Shinji! I didn't know you played."

Am I seeing and hearing this, or am I dreaming? Or did the last Angel actually kill me and send me to the Great Beyond?

Well, I guess even Asuka can be nice sometimes. Still, knowing her, she's probably just trying to set me up for another insult. "I started when I was five. But I'm still not very good. I have no talent at all."

"Well, perseverance wins the battle. I'm impressed!" She still sounds genuine in her praise. What is this? Ugh, I don't know what to say...

I've never been good at knowing what to say when someone praises me. Especially when that someone is your beautiful, exotic, and fearsomely temperamental roommate.

"I only started because my teachers told me to. But I could've quit anytime."

"So, why didn't you?" Asuka sounds a bit...disappointed? At my refusal to take the bait like I usually do? Or at what I said?

But to answer her question..."Huh? Nobody told me to stop I guess."

"Ugh," she sighs, sounding a bit exasperated as she lays down on the floor of the next room, "I should have known."

It's not unlike her to say something dismissive like that to me, but I definitely sense a hint of disappointment. I guess my reason for playing cello is pretty lame.

As I watch her lay down, until only her sock clad feet are still visible through the open door, I remember that she should still have been on her date at this time. "Hey, you're back early. I thought you were going out to dinner too."

The words come out in a cheerful tone that surprises even myself. I expect her to comment on it, but instead she merely replies, "No, my date was even more boring than you."

I might normally have taken offense to the insult to me...despite knowing that's it's true. But instead, I feel...strangely buoyant...at the sound of her referring to her erstwhile date so derisively.

In that moment, I remember back to when she had first mentioned that she was going on a date...

In addition to my surprise, I had felt a stab of...was it...jealousy?!

I pull back from the questions starting to cloud my mind as I hear Asuka saying that she had left the boy standing in line for the roller coaster while she stole away and headed home. Despite my strange jubilation at Asuka dumping him, I can't help but feel a bit sorry for him...easily able to imagine the humiliation and emptiness I would feel if it were me that had been in his shoes.

"That seems kinda cold," I say, not bothering to disguise my disapproval.

She sighs. "Kaji's the only real man in my life."

"Oh. Okay," is all I say.

But inside, I can't help but feel a a. It of rising exasperation.

'Ugh, of course...Kaji this, Kaji that! Nongoddamn stop! Kaji! Kaji! Kaji! Oh Kaji-san, kiss me beneath the light of the full moon! Walk with me through the cherry blossoms Kaji-sama! Please notice me Kaji-senpai! Baka Shinji-kun, you should be more like Kaji-senpai san sama! Kaji-senpai san sama is the standard by which all men should judge themselves! Like a broken...fucking...record!'

Her obsession with a man nearly old enough to be her father is sometimes genuinely disturbing...sometimes, usually when I've had enough of her bullshit, rather hilarious (though I'd never laugh at her about it to her face...after all, if wanted to die, I'd rather take my chances with letting an Angel kill me)...and other times, it's just sad.

But today...it's just infuriating!

When will she realize that Kaji would never be with someone less than half his age? Ryoji Kaji acts like a Cassanova, but even I know that he wouldn't take advantage of a thirteen year old girl. Why can't she see that?

And of course, there's Misato. She may act like she hates Kaji, but sometimes, I can see her smile when someone mentions him....only when she thinks no one can see it though.

And I know he likes her.

He always seems to brush off her insults and continue flirting shamelessly as if she weren't always glaring and shouting at him.

Of course, Kaji hits on alot of the women here at NERV, but...it's different when he's with Misato. I can tell he actually means what he says to her.

I sigh...adults are confusing.

And so is Asuka, for that matter...

You know...I really can't tell if she hates me or not.

I know she doesn't like me, even if...she does act friendly sometimes...like she did just now. I guess she's just trying to be civil, even though she can't stand me.

Sometimes, though, she'll drop all pretense and become so hostile that I begin to fear for my life...lest I say the wrong thing in front of Her Highness.

I just wish...that she wouldn't always yell at me for every little thing...

I wish...we could just learn to get along...

It would make this awful job a lot more bearable if Asuka was nicer to me and Rei. If she was, we might actually all be friends as well as comrades, and maybe even...well, it's no secret that Asuka is gorgeous, and that she's attracted the attention of nearly all the boys at our school...and I'm no exception.

Indeed, I constantly have to stop myself from gawking at her.

Just like anyone with a healthy sense of self-preservation, I live in fear of the wrath she displays to anyone she decides is being a 'pervert'. Lately though, I've gotten better at just stealing looks when she isn't watching.

It's like looking at the sun...bright, shining, beautiful...yet will probably decide to blind you if you look too long.

Though, I've also noticed that when she does catch me looking, she doesn't get as angry as she did at first. Actually, she hasn't even gotten angry about it recently. She just sees me looking, then turns away...like a normal person would.

Also, now I think about it, she actually HAS been acting nice more often than before. She even made sure to bring Rei along to our celebratory 'steak' (which ended up being ramen) dinner after we beat the Tenth Angel...and I know she dislikes Rei as much as she dislikes me...if not moreso.

If only she could be like that more often...then maybe...I wouldn't be too afraid to tell her...

I know she could never feel the same way about me. But, she...ignites me.

I don't mean in the dirty sort of way! Well, uh...not ONLY in that way, at least. I mean...she makes me push my boundaries...my limits. And it's that...more than her looks even...that have made her the forefront of my dreams; nighttime and daytime fantasy alike...as well as a few nightmares.

The mere thought of her lights a fire both underneath and inside of me that makes me want to be a better Eva pilot...a better person, even. Kind of weird when you consider that she herself isn't exactly...well, she's not a bad person, I guess...

But, you wouldn't think she would inspire anyone to better themselves...unless, of course...you've lived with her as I have been...

But then...there's also the simple reality that she views me as worthless...seemingly no matter how much I try to do better...

Still, for some reason, I keep trying anyway...

And even if she never thinks me worthy of her approval...and even though I know it's a humiliating waste of time to even try, I just can't help...but try anyway.

It's not all bad anyway, really. My cooking, previously rather lackluster, has improved to the point that Asuka has actually complimented me on the quality.

And, it was only after that day that I thought about seriously playing the cello again. I never had the courage to play in front of her, though, figuring she'd just tell me that I was terrible at it. I was even afraid to play it when she was out, fearing that she'd walk in before I had time to put the instrument away, and either yell at me or laugh derisively.

But today, I had just faced my father without running away, and I knew (or rather had been told), that she'd be out late. So, high on my earlier...erm...success in speaking to Father (by which I actually mean not running away)...and figuring I'd have some time, I decided I'd test my luck and get some practice while I could.

As it turned out, of course, she came in far earlier than expected.

But she neither yelled at me, nor mocked my, until now, secret hobby.

She...applauded me. And I'm now beginning to feel that maybe...just maybe...no matter how crazy or irrational it may seem to think so, that she...might have...really meant it...

Maybe, for once...she was really being genuine when she praised me...

If so...I can scarcely believe it. But I want to...

Well then...there may be one way I can be sure it's true...

So...here it goes...

With a great deal of trepidation, I lift my bow, placing it gently against the strings, and begin to play once more.