In which an Adventurer has a snack
Once again, I was awake in El's townhome after my teammates had gone to sleep. Just like that last time, I was far too excited to sleep, but this time, it was for a much different reason. I was going on an adventure! A real-life adventure! One with a villain hand-picked by my favorite—in a six-way tie for favorite—sister! I could hardly wait! Maybe there would be a dragon with a horde-
No, I shake my head. Despite being a common enemy in my books, I didn't actually want to fight a dragon. They were annoyingly self-righteous—always whining about self-determination this or noblesse oblige that—and their neck bones always got stuck in my back rows of teeth.
Before I can continue fantasizing about all the cool monster enemies I could end up fighting over a burning lake of fire, I force myself to stop thinking about the evil plot my sister had created just for me. Even though I sometimes skipped to the end of a story to see if the [Hero] was really a [Calamity] in disguise—sadly, I was zero for four-hundred and ninety-three on that—I didn't want my own [Hero] story spoiled.
It was the anticipation that made it so exciting, but that just fed into why I couldn't sleep.
We were going on an adventure tomorrow! It was all I could do to keep myself tucked into the sheets. I wanted to fidget and jump and rampage. I was even more excited than the night before my [Calamity] day—the day my sisters gave me presents for becoming the [Calamity of Gluttony].
Unfortunately, El had forbidden me from wandering about her home at night. She'd said something like, 'You'll just stomp around like a monster and gorge yourself on food if you do.,' which I couldn't exactly disagree with. I had to stomp because [Heroes] were supposed to let everyone know they were there—unless they were on a super-sneaky mission—and eating was always fun.
Well, at least I'd already had plenty of time to explore my teammate's home. Which had, sadly, been almost as boring as her boring-book room had been. So, instead of re-exploring, I was being a good teammate and staying in the room El had said was mine now. Which was really nice of her—and bumped her into second place on my favorite people list.
When I finally revealed my secret [Calamity] nature, I'd have to carve out a room for her in my favorite lair to show how awesome it felt to be given a room.
I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping that if I pretended I was sleeping hard enough, it would actually work, but it doesn't help. If only I were more like Soph. She could fall asleep while rampaging—which was the funnest thing in the world. I'm sure she'd have been asleep for hours if she were in my sheets. Well, maybe not. How could anyone sleep when there were adventures to have and villains to vanquish and people to meet and-
Wait! That was it!
That's what our party was missing. We didn't need another tank. I didn't want to make any future teammates feel bad by failing to stand out when compared to their leader and a future [Hero]. Nor did we need another damage dealer. El's fire and furry-Markus's fangs definitely had that covered. No. What we needed was a [Bard].
Which was perfect, because we were going to help the dwarves out with their villain troubles, and everyone knew that dwarves liked to sing, especially in taverns. Finding a [Bard] teammate among that many singers would be as easy as chomping through a cow's backbone.
I snuggle into the pillow clutched in my arms as I relish in my genius idea. With a [Bard], we would have buffs that would make our team stronger and faster—plus, an adventuring team that had accompanying music was automatically ten times cooler than one that didn't. More important than any of that was that a [Bard] would be the perfect person to record my [Hero]ic adventures. They could write songs and plays and sagas and…
ZzzZzz…
The next morning, I'm awake before the sun peeks in through my window. I throw off my blankets and spring up to my feet. It's time! Today's the day! I have to go wake my teammates-
My perfect memory pokes that thought before I can rush over to the door. El had said she'd shove me in a barrel for the trip if I tried to wake her up, which was an odd threat and an even odder thing to do to your party leader. However, she'd said it was part of the plan, so I couldn't really argue with it. That didn't make It any less strange, but maybe El liked barrels.
So, instead of stomping loudly throughout the townhome, I sneakily creep out of my room, pausing briefly to slam my door shut with just the right amount of [Enhanced Strength]. I had to make sure the door was really shut, or pesky intruders might get inside—that was a lesson Soph had taught me one time when I woke her up from a month-long nap.
I start sneaking my way toward the kitchen where last night's leftovers surely awaited, being extra careful not to stomp my feet or even step on a creaky floorboard. But because I'm being so careful, by the time I reach the kitchen, I realize I'm the last of my teammates to arrive.
Furry-Markus is lounging on his ugly, way-to-big scarf, and I pause just long enough to show him my elegant scarf-ribbon tied into a pretty bow in my hair. He graciously acknowledges his defeat in that argument by not even raising his head from his inferior scarf.
As I pass by my squirrel teammate, I set eyes on my probably-a-princess teammate. El is scowling at the contents of a thick ceramic mug that's steaming with warmth and wafting a pleasant smell throughout the kitchen. Unlike Markus, she does look up when I creep into the room, though for some reason, her scowl gets a lot bigger.
"Hi El. Hi Markus," I announce myself as I sidle up to the kitchen table that still has a few pieces of leftover meat and… "Ooh, I love marrow."
I reach out for a thick piece of bone that had once been covered in roasted meat. It cracks easily between my teeth, and I grin widely as both of my teammates look on in jealousy of my amazing jaw strength. I quietly slurp the marrow out—because Ashe always hit me with [Annihilation] when I did it too loudly—and then chomp down on the rest of the bone. Mmmm. Cow bone had a much better crunch than dragon.
El mutters something like, 'I can't believe I've accepted all this so quickly.' If my mouth wasn't full of crunchy bone shards, I'd disagree. She was an amazing teammate; she should believe she could accept anything quickly.
Once I swallow the last bit of cow bone, I reach for a kettle wrapped in warming runes that seemed to have the same delightful smell as El's drink, only to get my fingers slapped. I look up at my teammate as she scowls down at me.
"Absolutely not."
"But it smells so good."
"It's not for you."
Well, that wasn't a good argument at all; a [Calamity of Gluttony] could eat or drink anything. Unfortunately, my perfect retort was something I couldn't say because it was also a secret. Fortunately, I had another, almost-as-good response.
"But I'm the team leader."
El's scowl lightens just enough for a somewhat vicious smirk to cross her face, and I feel a frisson of fear that my nearly perfect argument will soon be defeated.
"That's a shame because this is a drink specifically for planners, not leaders."
My face falls as my fears are almost immediately realized. She was absolutely right. I was the leader, not the planner.
Utterly defeated by the brilliance of my teammate, I snatch up the last piece of leftover beef and a somewhat less fluffy roll. Savagely, I carve open the roll with my blunt claws and shove the piece of meat inside. Mercilessly, my flat but still incredibly strong teeth ravage the impromptu sandwich in two bites.
El mutters something like, 'I knew I never wanted a little sister,' which is a strange thing to say because little sisters are great. I should know; I am one. Before I can open my mouth to tell her that, she plonks a stack of coins down in front of me.
"Here. Go buy whatever you need for our trip north."
My eyes widen at the stack of gold coins. I could buy so many books with that much money. "Thanks, El! I'll make sure to buy everything I need."
"Chirp."
I turn to Markus as his head peeks out of his lame sweater-scarf and stares at me with jealousy burning in his furry-eyes. I resist the urge to gloat too much, but I still, slowly, obviously put each coin into my pockets one after another.
"Chirp."
"No. She gave it to me, not to you."
"Chirp."
"You can find nuts in the forest. We shouldn't waste money on things like that."
"Chirp-"
El groans and takes a deep swig of her nice-smelling drink before slamming the cup down on the table. "Ugh, it's too early for this routine."
Her words are followed a moment later by the tinkle of a pair of gold coins as they bounce across the table toward Markus. The [Rogue] scampers out of his scarf-fort and bats at the coins as they roll by, knocking them into a neat stack in front of him. He looks from his puny stack over to me and then lifts his furry-nose into the air to stare at El.
"Chirp."
"It's clearly based on size. I'm ten times bigger than you, so I get ten times as much."
"Chirp."
"Of course, she likes me more, but this is about fairness, not me being more likable than you."
"Chirp."
"Maybe if you weren't-"
"Shut. Up." El growls out the words in a way that sounds a lot like that one fire-bear we'd fought. My genius mind tells me she might not appreciate the comparison, and despite not quite understanding why, I shut up just in time for her to continue. "Go spend your money, and let me drink my coffee in peace."
Well, I hardly needed any more motivation than that. Arguing with Markus was fun, but I could do that any time. It would be much harder to buy books once we got on the road. So I leap to my feet and sprint for the door.
As I jerk the front door open, my infallible memory pokes me, and I turn around to shout. "Bye, El! See you later! Thanks for the money!"
Markus scampers between my legs and runs off down the street, but since this wasn't a race, I let him go in favor of slamming the door shut. Thanks to my [Calamity] hearing, I hear El mutter something like 'I can't believe I'm giving an allowance to an idiot and a squirrel." as I run off, but I don't pay it any more attention than that. I had a bookstore to find.
"Hello, young one." A white-haired old woman greets me as I walk into a storefront that had been marked by a plaque covered in books with a woman's name written across the top. "Do you need to wait for your parents to get here?"
"Nope. I don't have any parents. I'm an adventurer." I reply happily as I raise my silver bracelet so she can get a good look. I'd gotten much more used to this particular question over the past few days. It seemed like something every older person I met was worried about.
"That's…" she trails off for a moment. If she were El, she would have muttered something, but apparently this old lady didn't like to talk to herself as much as my teammate did. After a moment, she smiles an old-lady smile—the kind that makes even their wrinkles look happy—and continues. "In that case, what can I do for you, young adventurer."
"I'm Ciel, and this-"
I cut off as my impeccable memory tells me that Markus is not, in fact, riding on my shoulder. He'd gone off to buy as many pecans as he could with his puny stack of coins. I felt a moment of pity for my teammate that he hadn't gotten as much money as I had, but not much. Not when he insisted on lording around with his ratty, far-too-big scarf.
Still, since I was an excellent party leader, I made a note for my perfect memory to remind me to find out if my furry-teammate knew how to read. It was the only reason I could think of that would explain why he was out buying nuts rather than hero books.
"Oh, Markus isn't here now. It's just me."
"Is Markus your… guardian?"
"No. I'm the tank. Markus is a sneaky sneak." I was really getting the hang of this leader stuff. I didn't even need my infallible memory to remind me that I wasn't supposed to share our classes with strangers.
"I see…"
The old lady trails off and looks at me in the same way El does. I spare a moment to wonder if they were somehow related before deciding that a bookstore-owning-old-lady-princess being related to a secret-adventurer-princess would be ridiculous.
"Well, I'm Arya. What are you looking for, young Ciel? I'm afraid I don't really stock much for adventurers. I have a few travel anthologies and a Tier 1 spellbook in the back, but that's about it."
Were those really adventurer books? They sounded so boring. Fortunately, I wasn't here for any of that. "Hero Books! Especially the ones with girl [Heroes], because they spend a lot less time doing weird kissy-things with their teammates. My favorite is The [Hero] and the Cat."
"The Hero and the…" The old lady trails off in thought for a moment before smiling at me. "I remember that book. I used to read it to my daughter all the time when she was young. She really liked the parts with the hero's giant flaming sword."
"That's my favorite part too!" I would have to meet this old lady's daughter. Her taste in books was impeccable.
"Well, you're in luck because I have a special anniversary edition of it that comes with full-color illustrations."
My jaw drops, and I have to resist the urge to rampage. A book with pictures!!! How could there be anything more perfect!?! I barely even hear the old lady tell me to 'Wait right there.' before she's back and slams a massive, wooden bound tome down on the counter. It even had all ten volumes in one binding!
I release a high-pitched roar and practically teleport the distance between me and my new favorite thing. My hands twitch to rip the book from the old lady, but I manage to maintain myself. Shey always bopped me in the head when I was too impatient with her books. And since she had more books than anyone in the world, she would certainly know the right way to behave around them.
Carefully, the old lady flips the pages until she lands on a full portrait of a cat-girl with long red hair and the fluffiest ears I'd ever seen. That was the Cat! The [Hero]'s sidekick. Just like I imagined her to be. The old lady flips more pages, and more characters appear: the mean old [King], the ghost-woman who gave the [Hero] her sword; it even had a two-page picture of the final battle between the [Hero] and the evil dragon.
My heart thumps a triple beat in my chest as I stare down at a black-haired girl in a red cape wielding a giant flaming sword against a mountain-sized dragon made of shadow and evil. I reach into my pocket so quickly that I hear the rip of fabric—but who could possibly care about that—and slam down every coin El had given me.
"If that's not enough, I have a reward for saving the city that I can go and get." Surely, the tens of thousands of gold I'd gotten for my heroic act would be enough, but I didn't want to leave to go and get them. What if someone else came by and stole it from me while I was gone? I'd have to take it back and then eat them so they couldn't tell anyone, and that wouldn't be [Hero]ic at all.
"That's…" The old lady smiles down at me warmly. "Why don't we find some other books to go with this one? You wouldn't want it to get lonely, would you?"
I didn't think books could get lonely—at least, I hoped they didn't—but I shake my head vigorously nonetheless. That was a risk I wasn't willing to take.
"I'm back!" I kick open the front door to El and my home. I carefully angle the satchel on my shoulder that was currently bulging with hero books so that we can both fit through without banging on the doorway.
"We're in the basement!" El's voice echoes up to me, followed a moment later by another shout. "And stop slamming my doors!"
I stop midswing and let the door gently click closed. Then I hitch my satchel a bit tighter around my shoulder so it won't swing and damage any books when it hits the walls and race downstairs to join them.
Markus pokes up out of his scarf, which is now perched atop a bag that must have contained ten times his weight in pecans and chirps. I grin at him and then turn to where my other teammate is dropping a thin leather bag on a second cart that was attached to the first one.
"Is that the cart we stole from the civilians we rescued?" There were a lot fewer bloodstains than I remembered, but to be fair, El's main cart also looked a lot cleaner than it had. Maybe they were self-cleaning.
"We didn't steal anything; we requisitioned it. There's a big difference." El looks over at me and raises an eyebrow at my bag of books. "That better not be full of bread from that baker of yours."
"No. That would be silly." I open up the satchel so I can show off. "I bought books."
"Of course. How silly of me to think you'd bought something completely useless." My teammate stares at me flatly, and I grin. It was awesome that she understood me so well.
"Not just any books, though. This one and this one have pictures in them."
I hold up two leather-bound books and then finish off my show of loot with my super-cool-favorite-thing-in-the-whole-world. "And this one is my all-time favorite book, The [Hero] and the Cat."
"You know what? Somehow, I'm not surprised." El sighs, completely overcome by how awesome my book is. "Put your stuff in the back with the rest of our supplies. You too, Markus. I want to get out of here before noon."
"Ok." I walk over to the backup cart and study the bags piled into it for a moment. There wasn't a good place for my books, at least not one that didn't look dangerously like it would end with my books falling off the back. I couldn't have that. I'd have to reorganize.
I poke open a bag and see a bundle of carrots and potatoes and some kind of dark red thing that didn't look at all tasty. Carefully, I pick up that bag and set it to one side so that my books could have a safe space to rest. As I'm debating removing another bag filled with loaves of bread that didn't look plump and fluffy at all—they looked like the clay bricks I made when I played [Calamity] and fort—Markus drags his bag over to join me.
He hops up on my shoulder and surveys the same collection of supplies that I am. A moment later, his chirp echoed with the same determination I had.
"You're right. Your pecans need a safe space, too."
Despite our feud over who had the better scarf—a debate that was only continuing because he stubbornly refused to admit defeat—we agreed here. The gross-looking bricks of bread had to go.
Carefully, I pull that bag free and place it beside the gross-looking vegetables, and free up the space for my teammate's loot. "There, all done."
"Chirp."
"You're welcome."
An hour later, we were on the road, zipping past civilians stuck in their not-magic carts. Normally, I had to run and jump in my larger form to move this fast, but in that form, I didn't have hair, and it was kind of hard to feel the wind through my armor plates. This was so much better.
The only thing that would have made it better was for me to be able to shout out my enjoyment. But El had threatened to turn us around and go home after my second 'Woohoo!' shouted at the top of my smaller lungs. So it was stuck being merely awesome.
"Look, El, look." I wait until she turns away from the road to look at me. "It's a cow with brown and white spots. Doesn't it look delicious? I bet it's really crunchy."
She turns away from me with a sigh of agreement and looks back to the road. "Cows aren't crunchy, Ciel."
"They are when you-"
I pause. I couldn't tell her how great it felt to bite one in half with your larger-form's jaws and let the juices run down your chin while the bones crunched as you chewed. That was absolutely a [Calamity] secret. Fortunately, my genius mind was there for me almost before I needed to flounder around for a quick answer.
"Their bones are." There, she couldn't argue with that.
"Their meat isn't," El smirks triumphantly as she drives home her point. "Which is what most normal people eat, Ciel."
"But-" I try to argue, but she cuts me off almost immediately.
"No, Ciel. People eat meat, not bones." Was that true? I certainly ate bones, but I wasn't sure whether I was a people.
"But-"
"You can keep eating all the bones you want." That was a relief. As a planner, I wasn't sure whether El could forbid me from doing it or not. "But I refuse to let you call a cow crunchy."
An hour later, the wind whipping through my hair wasn't as much fun. I'd tried to ask El whether we were there yet, but after the third time I did, she'd threatened to throw me off and make me run. Which I could probably do, but not in my smaller form, so I'd stopped asking.
Then I'd spent some time pointing out every animal I saw, including a lot of cows and horses and even, one time, a bear. But since Markus was asleep, and El seemed to be completely focused on the road—at least if her white-knuckled grip on the steering thing was anything to go by—my game of imagining how tasty each one would be wasn't nearly as fun with only one person.
Plus, it was totally the bear.
With no one to play with me, I was quickly growing bored. Fortunately, I had just the answer for my boredom. I stand up and start climbing to the back. "I'm going to read."
"Try not to fall off. We're not stopping."
That was another thing I'd learned about El today. She really cared about making good time, which I didn't really understand beyond it apparently meaning that we were not stopping for any reason whatsoever. Thankfully, I was still [Calamity] enough that I didn't have to go to the bathroom. Otherwise, things might have gotten a bit messy. How Markus and El were managing it was a mystery I was content to leave unanswered.
I hop lightly from the back of El's cart to the one she had requisitioned, which I had learned really was just a fancy way of saying stolen. I'd have to remember that the next time one of my sister's got mad at me for eating something I wasn't supposed to. 'I didn't eat your chthonic horror you spent two years growing, Riri; I requisitioned it.'
It was a flawless plan.
The rear cart jerks wildly when I land, and if I wasn't secretly a [Calamity], I might have fallen off, but I was, so I only stumbled to the side a bit. "I'm ok. I didn't fall."
"That's…" El grumbles something that even my refined hearing can't quite make out. "Good."
It really was great that my teammate cared so much about me. I don't think I could have gotten any luckier if I'd tried. But I could gush over how great my team was later, hopefully, when someone was there for me to brag about them to. For now, I had books to read and pictures to look at.
The [Hero]—who looks a lot like me, how awesome was that—leans over a bed with a sleeping princess in it. She raises a curse-breaking bell and I reach into a nearby bag and pull out a fat wedge of bright orange cheese. I swallow it in two bites and turn back to my book.
The [Hero] smiles bravely at her loyal cat-girl companion as the two of them stand alone against a horde of undead and I toss the empty bag of cheese off the back of the cart and reach for a bag that smelled like smoked meat. I pull out a string of meat as long as my arm but only an inch or so thick and chomp it down in three bites.
Raising her sword, the [Hero] rushes at the evil dragon who had nearly killed her companion and I finish off a bag full of honey-oat cakes, careful to lick my fingers completely clean before touching the page. This was a great day.
"Ciel!!!"
I jerk out of my nap at the sound of my name being shouted at a volume that reminded me of Ashe when she was angry with me. I look up at my teammate and tilt my head to one side, completely confused at why she looked so upset.
"Don't give me that look, you fucking pig." El's hands clench into fists, and I blink as I realize we've stopped. "You ate a week's worth of food in a fucking afternoon."
Did I? I don't remember- I *burp* I smack my lips slightly and taste meat and cheese and honey. Maybe I did. "I-"
"Really don't want to hear it." My face falls. She looked really angry, and for some reason, it seemed to be with me. "I'm going to set up the tents. When I'm done, there'd better be a fucking dinner ready for me."
"O-"
"No. Your talking privileges are revoked until you come back with food."
I open my mouth to argue but close it before I can say anything. Since we were surrounded by trees rather than other people, this was probably a planning sort of thing. Well, it's not like I needed to talk to my teammates. I just really liked to.
My head falls at that, and I stare at the ground. What was this strange, thick, heavy feeling in my stomach? I didn't like it at all. I look up at El to ask her, but I stop myself. I wasn't allowed to talk, so this was something I'd have to figure out on my own, with only the endless silence of my thoughts for company-
My genius mind pokes at me, and the weird feeling in my stomach vanishes. I grin. There was a clear loophole in her mandate. All I had to do was come back with dinner, and then I could talk again. And since I had my sword and my shield and my [Calamity] senses, hunting something to eat would be as easy as eating cake.
I humm the word 'ok' since I couldn't speak it and dashed off into the forest. I had an animal to kill, and I'd wandered around this part of Dynegard long enough to know that these forests were full of them. Unfortunately, there weren't any crunchy cows, but there were plenty of chewy, crunchy elks.
Minutes later, my [Calamity] senses lead me to an elk with a delicious-looking rack of antlers on his head. I wipe at my mouth despite there being no one around to see me drool. Elks were almost as tasty as cows, but their antlers were fuzzy and crunchy at the same time. It was the kind of treat I couldn't find anywhere else. Now, all I had to do was kill it and drag it back to El, and then I could talk and eat elk meat, and everything would be fine.
I pull my sword free and flourish it in the way I'd practiced and swing my shield around with my other hand. Then I let out a fearsome warcry and charged toward my dinner.
"I have dinner," I call out as I come back to camp, dragging the dead elk behind me with one arm. It was kind of heavy, but thanks to my [Enhanced Strength], it wasn't too bad. Plus, dragging it over the ground like this surely did a lot to make the meat even more tender and juicy than it would have been otherwise.
"That's a dead animal, not dinner." El spares a moment to look at me as I enter the clearing before returning her focus to a glass of wine. "Clean it and dress it, and then it may be dinner."
"What's that mean?" It totally was dinner. I even made sure to keep all the nice juicy bits inside in case El or Markus wanted them.
"It means-"
"Chirp."
"You do?" Wow, Markus knew all sorts of things.
"Chirp."
"You don't eat them? But they're so chewy." Who knew that people removed the organs and blood from animals before they ate them?
"Chirp."
"Less talking, Ciel, more dinner preparation." El cuts off my curiosity with a narrow-eyed stare.
"Ok." I agree. It was really nice that El was letting me talk even though I hadn't technically brought back dinner. "Can you help, Markus?"
"Chirp."
"I will not admit you have the better scarf."
"Chirp."
"Please."
"Chirp."
"If you don't help her, your sack of pecans is getting tossed as well."
"Chirp."
"So…" El trails off as she looks up to the full moon above us. Then she looks back down, her blonde hair falling in waves as she looks directly at me with her kind-of-blue, kind-of-purple eyes. "Why did you decide to become an adventurer."
I open my mouth to respond, only to let it close a moment later. I couldn't tell her that it was the best way for me to become a [Hero]. While that was definitely the truth, I knew from my books that sort of revelation had to come at a narratively appropriate time. But since I couldn't answer her question directly—and I did want to answer her; sharing things with my teammates is important—that meant I had to answer a different question altogether. A question that sounded a lot more like why I wanted to become a [Hero]—which was a much less straightforward question to answer.
Still, just because it was a hard question to answer didn't mean I wouldn't answer it. That wouldn't be very [Hero]-like at all. In fact, I would answer it just as soon as I figured out my answer.
I let my mind shatter into fractal patterns, but it reforms without an answer to give me. Or rather, it comes back with too many answers. The inside of my head felt like the sky after I'd eaten the top off a mountain, and it had started gushing out thick, burning blood.
I open my mouth to respond, though I'm not entirely sure what I am going to say. Since Markus and El were my teammates, I knew that whatever I would say would be fine as long as it wasn't the truth.
I'd like to try something a bit different this time. Instead of providing a set of options or even making this an official vote (though I will definitely take any thread consensus into mind), I'd ask people to write in what kinds of motivations they think should be important to Ciel. They can be poignant, silly, entirely mundane, or something else altogether. Think of this as a chance to help shape who Ciel is rather than what she does.
[] Write-in.
[AN]
To commemorate the second arc, Ciel is no longer a villainess (at least by the standards of chapter titles).
No, I shake my head. Despite being a common enemy in my books, I didn't actually want to fight a dragon. They were annoyingly self-righteous—always whining about self-determination this or noblesse oblige that—and their neck bones always got stuck in my back rows of teeth.
Before I can continue fantasizing about all the cool monster enemies I could end up fighting over a burning lake of fire, I force myself to stop thinking about the evil plot my sister had created just for me. Even though I sometimes skipped to the end of a story to see if the [Hero] was really a [Calamity] in disguise—sadly, I was zero for four-hundred and ninety-three on that—I didn't want my own [Hero] story spoiled.
It was the anticipation that made it so exciting, but that just fed into why I couldn't sleep.
We were going on an adventure tomorrow! It was all I could do to keep myself tucked into the sheets. I wanted to fidget and jump and rampage. I was even more excited than the night before my [Calamity] day—the day my sisters gave me presents for becoming the [Calamity of Gluttony].
Unfortunately, El had forbidden me from wandering about her home at night. She'd said something like, 'You'll just stomp around like a monster and gorge yourself on food if you do.,' which I couldn't exactly disagree with. I had to stomp because [Heroes] were supposed to let everyone know they were there—unless they were on a super-sneaky mission—and eating was always fun.
Well, at least I'd already had plenty of time to explore my teammate's home. Which had, sadly, been almost as boring as her boring-book room had been. So, instead of re-exploring, I was being a good teammate and staying in the room El had said was mine now. Which was really nice of her—and bumped her into second place on my favorite people list.
When I finally revealed my secret [Calamity] nature, I'd have to carve out a room for her in my favorite lair to show how awesome it felt to be given a room.
I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping that if I pretended I was sleeping hard enough, it would actually work, but it doesn't help. If only I were more like Soph. She could fall asleep while rampaging—which was the funnest thing in the world. I'm sure she'd have been asleep for hours if she were in my sheets. Well, maybe not. How could anyone sleep when there were adventures to have and villains to vanquish and people to meet and-
Wait! That was it!
That's what our party was missing. We didn't need another tank. I didn't want to make any future teammates feel bad by failing to stand out when compared to their leader and a future [Hero]. Nor did we need another damage dealer. El's fire and furry-Markus's fangs definitely had that covered. No. What we needed was a [Bard].
Which was perfect, because we were going to help the dwarves out with their villain troubles, and everyone knew that dwarves liked to sing, especially in taverns. Finding a [Bard] teammate among that many singers would be as easy as chomping through a cow's backbone.
I snuggle into the pillow clutched in my arms as I relish in my genius idea. With a [Bard], we would have buffs that would make our team stronger and faster—plus, an adventuring team that had accompanying music was automatically ten times cooler than one that didn't. More important than any of that was that a [Bard] would be the perfect person to record my [Hero]ic adventures. They could write songs and plays and sagas and…
ZzzZzz…
The next morning, I'm awake before the sun peeks in through my window. I throw off my blankets and spring up to my feet. It's time! Today's the day! I have to go wake my teammates-
My perfect memory pokes that thought before I can rush over to the door. El had said she'd shove me in a barrel for the trip if I tried to wake her up, which was an odd threat and an even odder thing to do to your party leader. However, she'd said it was part of the plan, so I couldn't really argue with it. That didn't make It any less strange, but maybe El liked barrels.
So, instead of stomping loudly throughout the townhome, I sneakily creep out of my room, pausing briefly to slam my door shut with just the right amount of [Enhanced Strength]. I had to make sure the door was really shut, or pesky intruders might get inside—that was a lesson Soph had taught me one time when I woke her up from a month-long nap.
I start sneaking my way toward the kitchen where last night's leftovers surely awaited, being extra careful not to stomp my feet or even step on a creaky floorboard. But because I'm being so careful, by the time I reach the kitchen, I realize I'm the last of my teammates to arrive.
Furry-Markus is lounging on his ugly, way-to-big scarf, and I pause just long enough to show him my elegant scarf-ribbon tied into a pretty bow in my hair. He graciously acknowledges his defeat in that argument by not even raising his head from his inferior scarf.
As I pass by my squirrel teammate, I set eyes on my probably-a-princess teammate. El is scowling at the contents of a thick ceramic mug that's steaming with warmth and wafting a pleasant smell throughout the kitchen. Unlike Markus, she does look up when I creep into the room, though for some reason, her scowl gets a lot bigger.
"Hi El. Hi Markus," I announce myself as I sidle up to the kitchen table that still has a few pieces of leftover meat and… "Ooh, I love marrow."
I reach out for a thick piece of bone that had once been covered in roasted meat. It cracks easily between my teeth, and I grin widely as both of my teammates look on in jealousy of my amazing jaw strength. I quietly slurp the marrow out—because Ashe always hit me with [Annihilation] when I did it too loudly—and then chomp down on the rest of the bone. Mmmm. Cow bone had a much better crunch than dragon.
El mutters something like, 'I can't believe I've accepted all this so quickly.' If my mouth wasn't full of crunchy bone shards, I'd disagree. She was an amazing teammate; she should believe she could accept anything quickly.
Once I swallow the last bit of cow bone, I reach for a kettle wrapped in warming runes that seemed to have the same delightful smell as El's drink, only to get my fingers slapped. I look up at my teammate as she scowls down at me.
"Absolutely not."
"But it smells so good."
"It's not for you."
Well, that wasn't a good argument at all; a [Calamity of Gluttony] could eat or drink anything. Unfortunately, my perfect retort was something I couldn't say because it was also a secret. Fortunately, I had another, almost-as-good response.
"But I'm the team leader."
El's scowl lightens just enough for a somewhat vicious smirk to cross her face, and I feel a frisson of fear that my nearly perfect argument will soon be defeated.
"That's a shame because this is a drink specifically for planners, not leaders."
My face falls as my fears are almost immediately realized. She was absolutely right. I was the leader, not the planner.
Utterly defeated by the brilliance of my teammate, I snatch up the last piece of leftover beef and a somewhat less fluffy roll. Savagely, I carve open the roll with my blunt claws and shove the piece of meat inside. Mercilessly, my flat but still incredibly strong teeth ravage the impromptu sandwich in two bites.
El mutters something like, 'I knew I never wanted a little sister,' which is a strange thing to say because little sisters are great. I should know; I am one. Before I can open my mouth to tell her that, she plonks a stack of coins down in front of me.
"Here. Go buy whatever you need for our trip north."
My eyes widen at the stack of gold coins. I could buy so many books with that much money. "Thanks, El! I'll make sure to buy everything I need."
"Chirp."
I turn to Markus as his head peeks out of his lame sweater-scarf and stares at me with jealousy burning in his furry-eyes. I resist the urge to gloat too much, but I still, slowly, obviously put each coin into my pockets one after another.
"Chirp."
"No. She gave it to me, not to you."
"Chirp."
"You can find nuts in the forest. We shouldn't waste money on things like that."
"Chirp-"
El groans and takes a deep swig of her nice-smelling drink before slamming the cup down on the table. "Ugh, it's too early for this routine."
Her words are followed a moment later by the tinkle of a pair of gold coins as they bounce across the table toward Markus. The [Rogue] scampers out of his scarf-fort and bats at the coins as they roll by, knocking them into a neat stack in front of him. He looks from his puny stack over to me and then lifts his furry-nose into the air to stare at El.
"Chirp."
"It's clearly based on size. I'm ten times bigger than you, so I get ten times as much."
"Chirp."
"Of course, she likes me more, but this is about fairness, not me being more likable than you."
"Chirp."
"Maybe if you weren't-"
"Shut. Up." El growls out the words in a way that sounds a lot like that one fire-bear we'd fought. My genius mind tells me she might not appreciate the comparison, and despite not quite understanding why, I shut up just in time for her to continue. "Go spend your money, and let me drink my coffee in peace."
Well, I hardly needed any more motivation than that. Arguing with Markus was fun, but I could do that any time. It would be much harder to buy books once we got on the road. So I leap to my feet and sprint for the door.
As I jerk the front door open, my infallible memory pokes me, and I turn around to shout. "Bye, El! See you later! Thanks for the money!"
Markus scampers between my legs and runs off down the street, but since this wasn't a race, I let him go in favor of slamming the door shut. Thanks to my [Calamity] hearing, I hear El mutter something like 'I can't believe I'm giving an allowance to an idiot and a squirrel." as I run off, but I don't pay it any more attention than that. I had a bookstore to find.
"Hello, young one." A white-haired old woman greets me as I walk into a storefront that had been marked by a plaque covered in books with a woman's name written across the top. "Do you need to wait for your parents to get here?"
"Nope. I don't have any parents. I'm an adventurer." I reply happily as I raise my silver bracelet so she can get a good look. I'd gotten much more used to this particular question over the past few days. It seemed like something every older person I met was worried about.
"That's…" she trails off for a moment. If she were El, she would have muttered something, but apparently this old lady didn't like to talk to herself as much as my teammate did. After a moment, she smiles an old-lady smile—the kind that makes even their wrinkles look happy—and continues. "In that case, what can I do for you, young adventurer."
"I'm Ciel, and this-"
I cut off as my impeccable memory tells me that Markus is not, in fact, riding on my shoulder. He'd gone off to buy as many pecans as he could with his puny stack of coins. I felt a moment of pity for my teammate that he hadn't gotten as much money as I had, but not much. Not when he insisted on lording around with his ratty, far-too-big scarf.
Still, since I was an excellent party leader, I made a note for my perfect memory to remind me to find out if my furry-teammate knew how to read. It was the only reason I could think of that would explain why he was out buying nuts rather than hero books.
"Oh, Markus isn't here now. It's just me."
"Is Markus your… guardian?"
"No. I'm the tank. Markus is a sneaky sneak." I was really getting the hang of this leader stuff. I didn't even need my infallible memory to remind me that I wasn't supposed to share our classes with strangers.
"I see…"
The old lady trails off and looks at me in the same way El does. I spare a moment to wonder if they were somehow related before deciding that a bookstore-owning-old-lady-princess being related to a secret-adventurer-princess would be ridiculous.
"Well, I'm Arya. What are you looking for, young Ciel? I'm afraid I don't really stock much for adventurers. I have a few travel anthologies and a Tier 1 spellbook in the back, but that's about it."
Were those really adventurer books? They sounded so boring. Fortunately, I wasn't here for any of that. "Hero Books! Especially the ones with girl [Heroes], because they spend a lot less time doing weird kissy-things with their teammates. My favorite is The [Hero] and the Cat."
"The Hero and the…" The old lady trails off in thought for a moment before smiling at me. "I remember that book. I used to read it to my daughter all the time when she was young. She really liked the parts with the hero's giant flaming sword."
"That's my favorite part too!" I would have to meet this old lady's daughter. Her taste in books was impeccable.
"Well, you're in luck because I have a special anniversary edition of it that comes with full-color illustrations."
My jaw drops, and I have to resist the urge to rampage. A book with pictures!!! How could there be anything more perfect!?! I barely even hear the old lady tell me to 'Wait right there.' before she's back and slams a massive, wooden bound tome down on the counter. It even had all ten volumes in one binding!
I release a high-pitched roar and practically teleport the distance between me and my new favorite thing. My hands twitch to rip the book from the old lady, but I manage to maintain myself. Shey always bopped me in the head when I was too impatient with her books. And since she had more books than anyone in the world, she would certainly know the right way to behave around them.
Carefully, the old lady flips the pages until she lands on a full portrait of a cat-girl with long red hair and the fluffiest ears I'd ever seen. That was the Cat! The [Hero]'s sidekick. Just like I imagined her to be. The old lady flips more pages, and more characters appear: the mean old [King], the ghost-woman who gave the [Hero] her sword; it even had a two-page picture of the final battle between the [Hero] and the evil dragon.
My heart thumps a triple beat in my chest as I stare down at a black-haired girl in a red cape wielding a giant flaming sword against a mountain-sized dragon made of shadow and evil. I reach into my pocket so quickly that I hear the rip of fabric—but who could possibly care about that—and slam down every coin El had given me.
"If that's not enough, I have a reward for saving the city that I can go and get." Surely, the tens of thousands of gold I'd gotten for my heroic act would be enough, but I didn't want to leave to go and get them. What if someone else came by and stole it from me while I was gone? I'd have to take it back and then eat them so they couldn't tell anyone, and that wouldn't be [Hero]ic at all.
"That's…" The old lady smiles down at me warmly. "Why don't we find some other books to go with this one? You wouldn't want it to get lonely, would you?"
I didn't think books could get lonely—at least, I hoped they didn't—but I shake my head vigorously nonetheless. That was a risk I wasn't willing to take.
"I'm back!" I kick open the front door to El and my home. I carefully angle the satchel on my shoulder that was currently bulging with hero books so that we can both fit through without banging on the doorway.
"We're in the basement!" El's voice echoes up to me, followed a moment later by another shout. "And stop slamming my doors!"
I stop midswing and let the door gently click closed. Then I hitch my satchel a bit tighter around my shoulder so it won't swing and damage any books when it hits the walls and race downstairs to join them.
Markus pokes up out of his scarf, which is now perched atop a bag that must have contained ten times his weight in pecans and chirps. I grin at him and then turn to where my other teammate is dropping a thin leather bag on a second cart that was attached to the first one.
"Is that the cart we stole from the civilians we rescued?" There were a lot fewer bloodstains than I remembered, but to be fair, El's main cart also looked a lot cleaner than it had. Maybe they were self-cleaning.
"We didn't steal anything; we requisitioned it. There's a big difference." El looks over at me and raises an eyebrow at my bag of books. "That better not be full of bread from that baker of yours."
"No. That would be silly." I open up the satchel so I can show off. "I bought books."
"Of course. How silly of me to think you'd bought something completely useless." My teammate stares at me flatly, and I grin. It was awesome that she understood me so well.
"Not just any books, though. This one and this one have pictures in them."
I hold up two leather-bound books and then finish off my show of loot with my super-cool-favorite-thing-in-the-whole-world. "And this one is my all-time favorite book, The [Hero] and the Cat."
"You know what? Somehow, I'm not surprised." El sighs, completely overcome by how awesome my book is. "Put your stuff in the back with the rest of our supplies. You too, Markus. I want to get out of here before noon."
"Ok." I walk over to the backup cart and study the bags piled into it for a moment. There wasn't a good place for my books, at least not one that didn't look dangerously like it would end with my books falling off the back. I couldn't have that. I'd have to reorganize.
I poke open a bag and see a bundle of carrots and potatoes and some kind of dark red thing that didn't look at all tasty. Carefully, I pick up that bag and set it to one side so that my books could have a safe space to rest. As I'm debating removing another bag filled with loaves of bread that didn't look plump and fluffy at all—they looked like the clay bricks I made when I played [Calamity] and fort—Markus drags his bag over to join me.
He hops up on my shoulder and surveys the same collection of supplies that I am. A moment later, his chirp echoed with the same determination I had.
"You're right. Your pecans need a safe space, too."
Despite our feud over who had the better scarf—a debate that was only continuing because he stubbornly refused to admit defeat—we agreed here. The gross-looking bricks of bread had to go.
Carefully, I pull that bag free and place it beside the gross-looking vegetables, and free up the space for my teammate's loot. "There, all done."
"Chirp."
"You're welcome."
An hour later, we were on the road, zipping past civilians stuck in their not-magic carts. Normally, I had to run and jump in my larger form to move this fast, but in that form, I didn't have hair, and it was kind of hard to feel the wind through my armor plates. This was so much better.
The only thing that would have made it better was for me to be able to shout out my enjoyment. But El had threatened to turn us around and go home after my second 'Woohoo!' shouted at the top of my smaller lungs. So it was stuck being merely awesome.
"Look, El, look." I wait until she turns away from the road to look at me. "It's a cow with brown and white spots. Doesn't it look delicious? I bet it's really crunchy."
She turns away from me with a sigh of agreement and looks back to the road. "Cows aren't crunchy, Ciel."
"They are when you-"
I pause. I couldn't tell her how great it felt to bite one in half with your larger-form's jaws and let the juices run down your chin while the bones crunched as you chewed. That was absolutely a [Calamity] secret. Fortunately, my genius mind was there for me almost before I needed to flounder around for a quick answer.
"Their bones are." There, she couldn't argue with that.
"Their meat isn't," El smirks triumphantly as she drives home her point. "Which is what most normal people eat, Ciel."
"But-" I try to argue, but she cuts me off almost immediately.
"No, Ciel. People eat meat, not bones." Was that true? I certainly ate bones, but I wasn't sure whether I was a people.
"But-"
"You can keep eating all the bones you want." That was a relief. As a planner, I wasn't sure whether El could forbid me from doing it or not. "But I refuse to let you call a cow crunchy."
An hour later, the wind whipping through my hair wasn't as much fun. I'd tried to ask El whether we were there yet, but after the third time I did, she'd threatened to throw me off and make me run. Which I could probably do, but not in my smaller form, so I'd stopped asking.
Then I'd spent some time pointing out every animal I saw, including a lot of cows and horses and even, one time, a bear. But since Markus was asleep, and El seemed to be completely focused on the road—at least if her white-knuckled grip on the steering thing was anything to go by—my game of imagining how tasty each one would be wasn't nearly as fun with only one person.
Plus, it was totally the bear.
With no one to play with me, I was quickly growing bored. Fortunately, I had just the answer for my boredom. I stand up and start climbing to the back. "I'm going to read."
"Try not to fall off. We're not stopping."
That was another thing I'd learned about El today. She really cared about making good time, which I didn't really understand beyond it apparently meaning that we were not stopping for any reason whatsoever. Thankfully, I was still [Calamity] enough that I didn't have to go to the bathroom. Otherwise, things might have gotten a bit messy. How Markus and El were managing it was a mystery I was content to leave unanswered.
I hop lightly from the back of El's cart to the one she had requisitioned, which I had learned really was just a fancy way of saying stolen. I'd have to remember that the next time one of my sister's got mad at me for eating something I wasn't supposed to. 'I didn't eat your chthonic horror you spent two years growing, Riri; I requisitioned it.'
It was a flawless plan.
The rear cart jerks wildly when I land, and if I wasn't secretly a [Calamity], I might have fallen off, but I was, so I only stumbled to the side a bit. "I'm ok. I didn't fall."
"That's…" El grumbles something that even my refined hearing can't quite make out. "Good."
It really was great that my teammate cared so much about me. I don't think I could have gotten any luckier if I'd tried. But I could gush over how great my team was later, hopefully, when someone was there for me to brag about them to. For now, I had books to read and pictures to look at.
The [Hero]—who looks a lot like me, how awesome was that—leans over a bed with a sleeping princess in it. She raises a curse-breaking bell and I reach into a nearby bag and pull out a fat wedge of bright orange cheese. I swallow it in two bites and turn back to my book.
The [Hero] smiles bravely at her loyal cat-girl companion as the two of them stand alone against a horde of undead and I toss the empty bag of cheese off the back of the cart and reach for a bag that smelled like smoked meat. I pull out a string of meat as long as my arm but only an inch or so thick and chomp it down in three bites.
Raising her sword, the [Hero] rushes at the evil dragon who had nearly killed her companion and I finish off a bag full of honey-oat cakes, careful to lick my fingers completely clean before touching the page. This was a great day.
"Ciel!!!"
I jerk out of my nap at the sound of my name being shouted at a volume that reminded me of Ashe when she was angry with me. I look up at my teammate and tilt my head to one side, completely confused at why she looked so upset.
"Don't give me that look, you fucking pig." El's hands clench into fists, and I blink as I realize we've stopped. "You ate a week's worth of food in a fucking afternoon."
Did I? I don't remember- I *burp* I smack my lips slightly and taste meat and cheese and honey. Maybe I did. "I-"
"Really don't want to hear it." My face falls. She looked really angry, and for some reason, it seemed to be with me. "I'm going to set up the tents. When I'm done, there'd better be a fucking dinner ready for me."
"O-"
"No. Your talking privileges are revoked until you come back with food."
I open my mouth to argue but close it before I can say anything. Since we were surrounded by trees rather than other people, this was probably a planning sort of thing. Well, it's not like I needed to talk to my teammates. I just really liked to.
My head falls at that, and I stare at the ground. What was this strange, thick, heavy feeling in my stomach? I didn't like it at all. I look up at El to ask her, but I stop myself. I wasn't allowed to talk, so this was something I'd have to figure out on my own, with only the endless silence of my thoughts for company-
My genius mind pokes at me, and the weird feeling in my stomach vanishes. I grin. There was a clear loophole in her mandate. All I had to do was come back with dinner, and then I could talk again. And since I had my sword and my shield and my [Calamity] senses, hunting something to eat would be as easy as eating cake.
I humm the word 'ok' since I couldn't speak it and dashed off into the forest. I had an animal to kill, and I'd wandered around this part of Dynegard long enough to know that these forests were full of them. Unfortunately, there weren't any crunchy cows, but there were plenty of chewy, crunchy elks.
Minutes later, my [Calamity] senses lead me to an elk with a delicious-looking rack of antlers on his head. I wipe at my mouth despite there being no one around to see me drool. Elks were almost as tasty as cows, but their antlers were fuzzy and crunchy at the same time. It was the kind of treat I couldn't find anywhere else. Now, all I had to do was kill it and drag it back to El, and then I could talk and eat elk meat, and everything would be fine.
I pull my sword free and flourish it in the way I'd practiced and swing my shield around with my other hand. Then I let out a fearsome warcry and charged toward my dinner.
"I have dinner," I call out as I come back to camp, dragging the dead elk behind me with one arm. It was kind of heavy, but thanks to my [Enhanced Strength], it wasn't too bad. Plus, dragging it over the ground like this surely did a lot to make the meat even more tender and juicy than it would have been otherwise.
"That's a dead animal, not dinner." El spares a moment to look at me as I enter the clearing before returning her focus to a glass of wine. "Clean it and dress it, and then it may be dinner."
"What's that mean?" It totally was dinner. I even made sure to keep all the nice juicy bits inside in case El or Markus wanted them.
"It means-"
"Chirp."
"You do?" Wow, Markus knew all sorts of things.
"Chirp."
"You don't eat them? But they're so chewy." Who knew that people removed the organs and blood from animals before they ate them?
"Chirp."
"Less talking, Ciel, more dinner preparation." El cuts off my curiosity with a narrow-eyed stare.
"Ok." I agree. It was really nice that El was letting me talk even though I hadn't technically brought back dinner. "Can you help, Markus?"
"Chirp."
"I will not admit you have the better scarf."
"Chirp."
"Please."
"Chirp."
"If you don't help her, your sack of pecans is getting tossed as well."
"Chirp."
"So…" El trails off as she looks up to the full moon above us. Then she looks back down, her blonde hair falling in waves as she looks directly at me with her kind-of-blue, kind-of-purple eyes. "Why did you decide to become an adventurer."
I open my mouth to respond, only to let it close a moment later. I couldn't tell her that it was the best way for me to become a [Hero]. While that was definitely the truth, I knew from my books that sort of revelation had to come at a narratively appropriate time. But since I couldn't answer her question directly—and I did want to answer her; sharing things with my teammates is important—that meant I had to answer a different question altogether. A question that sounded a lot more like why I wanted to become a [Hero]—which was a much less straightforward question to answer.
Still, just because it was a hard question to answer didn't mean I wouldn't answer it. That wouldn't be very [Hero]-like at all. In fact, I would answer it just as soon as I figured out my answer.
I let my mind shatter into fractal patterns, but it reforms without an answer to give me. Or rather, it comes back with too many answers. The inside of my head felt like the sky after I'd eaten the top off a mountain, and it had started gushing out thick, burning blood.
I open my mouth to respond, though I'm not entirely sure what I am going to say. Since Markus and El were my teammates, I knew that whatever I would say would be fine as long as it wasn't the truth.
I'd like to try something a bit different this time. Instead of providing a set of options or even making this an official vote (though I will definitely take any thread consensus into mind), I'd ask people to write in what kinds of motivations they think should be important to Ciel. They can be poignant, silly, entirely mundane, or something else altogether. Think of this as a chance to help shape who Ciel is rather than what she does.
[] Write-in.
[AN]
To commemorate the second arc, Ciel is no longer a villainess (at least by the standards of chapter titles).
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