Are you actually thinking what you type? "You shouldn't be offended at things unless they are as bad as the Nazis" is blatantly ridiculous.the latter is the one that causes the "offense", the former doesn't.
So in essence, you refuse to actually confront my question about what you yourself actually believe here, sticking with the subtle implications that if something isn't literally Nazi propaganda negative stereotypes shouldn't be considered offensive, ending with the conclusion that people who aren't the target overlook nasty stereotypes because they can ignore them, with the implication that one has to actually go out of their way to get offended?Well you see, from my perspective your hotheat crusader attitude while not reading any of my short posts made me start acting "condescending", but anyway;
I don't really want to talk much about the emotion of "offense", however the basic point was that there are different ways to interpret such a character - a mildly negative stereotype can be either taken as a mildly negative stereotype, or seen in the context of a sliding scale that ends with much worse ones (like the ones propagated by the Nazis, as a main example);
the latter is the one that causes the "offense", the former doesn't.
Then there's the question of whom this depiction is supposed to represent - "all Jews" or, say, just a specific type of crook; Fagin wasn't meant as "a Jew", but a specific type of jewish street criminal - Dickens said it was just based on him having seen jews in similar positions, so in that case it was the latter.
When the Nazis portrayed jewish stereotypes in their cartoons and claims etc. it wasn't "just those particular crooks" it was supposed to make the population think all the Jews were like this.
So the "offense" or skepticism or finding it a problem etc. comes from interpreting, say, Watto, as:
1) a moderate negative stereotype that implies a much worse negative stereotype; and
2) a stereotype of a crook that's supposed to represent all the ordinary jews who aren't crooks - i.e. slander.
Without those 2 conclusions, people don't get offended because it's just a shady crook being a shady crook, and that's it.
Are you actually thinking what you type? "You shouldn't be offended at things unless they are as bad as the Nazis" is blatantly ridiculous.
You could make the "very specific type of crook" argument work if there were other examples providing more positive representation but not when the lay audience just has bad stereotypes to generalize from.
Watto isn't just a mild stereotype like french people being fancy. Watto is a money obsessed greedy slave owner.
Watto - Wikipedia
en.wikipedia.org
So in essence, you refuse to actually confront my question about what you yourself actually believe here, sticking with the subtle implications that if something isn't literally Nazi propaganda negative stereotypes shouldn't be considered offensive, ending with the conclusion that people who aren't the target overlook nasty stereotypes because they can ignore them, with the implication that one has to actually go out of their way to get offended?
This shifty refusal to even say what you personally believe is why I'm acting like a "hot-headed crusader". I cannot trust anything you're saying when you only work in implications.
___________________________________________
fgfhjfh
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dailymotion,com / video / x19hacj
"Talking to People about Star Wars (2002)"
[Rich]
"Orange Cow Productions
and
FFrevolution,com
present"
[John Brugmann]
"talking to people about star wars"
[Jay]
"a documentary
by
Garrett Gilchrist"
[John Brugmann]
"Perhaps the most anticipated film in history, "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace" was released in summer 1999... to mixed reviews.
During the spring and summer of 2002, just before and after the release of "Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones," I spent some time talking to people about Star Wars. This film is the result."
[Jay]
Rich: "I don't really care anymore."
"Why not?"
Rich: "Um... well, a kindobination of uh... this prequel stuff just offending me on.. many levels,.."
"It offends you?"
Rich: "It offends me by... by just being.. horrible, and,.. thrown in my face...
And I think Star Wars in general, Phantom Menace or no, is just... grossly.. overexposed;"
"Overrated, or just overexposed?"
Rich: "Overexposed - overexposed; not overrated, I think the original trilogy is... brilliant - very brilliant."
[Lisa Renley]
[Mike]
"Are you a Star Wars fan?"
Jesse: "Yes, yes I am..."
"How long've you been a Star Wars fan?"
Jesse: "Um... gosh... pretty long time, as long as I can remember I'd say."
"Are you looking forward to, uh, Attack of the Clones?"
Jesse: "Yeah... yes I am... Rather embarrassed to say so, but...
"You, you're admitting it, that's great..."
Jesse: "I'm admitting it, I-.. I-... you know, as much as I'd love to suppress it and go along for mass populus, I'm actually, uh... relatively.. relatively excited about it... - just because: just because, I don't think it'll gonna? be good! - but, uh I'm still gonna,.. like and- I'm still gonna have fun, it'll still give me joy, and uh, it's it's, you know -"
"Cause it's Star Wars?"
Jesse: "Cause it's-.. cause there are.. lightsabers in it, and,..."
"[laughs]"
Jesse: "- that's all I care about anymore [laughs]; that's all that.. new trilogy has going for it..."
"[laughs]"
Rich: "During the 80s, it was.. - it was cool to like Star Wars. You had a lot of 20 something year olds running around, you know, discussing the.. the, the merits of the.. Death Star, and... how great Han Solo is as a character,"
"Would people get on you for this if they.. [laughs]"
Jesse: "Oh yeahs, oh yes, [??] I know Jay will be like, shaking his head [""]... But whatever dude, it's gonna,.. it's- uh, I'm still gonna have fun, I know.. and it could be total shit and I'd-... I'd s-.. I'm gonna buy it! - and set on my shelf and I'll watch it, probably like, once a month or something.."
"[laughs]"
[David Ashe]
[John Brugmann]
[David Ashe]
[John Brugmann]
[Lisa Renley]
Mike: "I question whether or not George Lucas is.. ... in charge of his.. own... mind, anymore;"
"[laughs]"
Mike: "whether or not the Star Wars, uh, operation is merely.. a big hackjob, used to sell merchandise - it's an actual vision, that he wants to commit to film, or if he just wants to sell plastic Jar Jar Binks dolls..."
"Which side are you leaning on?"
Mike: "The plastic Jar Jar Binks dolls side."
"[cracks up]"
[Rich]
[Lisa Renley]
[David Ashe]
"What did you think of The Phantom Menace?"
Jesse: "[laughs] I liked it the first time I saw it; and, I think I like it less and less every time I see it, but, I watched it like uh... what, like 2 weeks ago? [laughs] I don't know, I th-.. it was still fun, I mean it was still s obviously a lot lacking [from?? other from] the first [ones?] but I still enjoyed it; cause I, I-.. I'm a,.. dork. [laughs]
"[laughs] Cause you're a dork?"
Jesse: "Cause I'm a dork!"
"You consider yourself a dork?"
Jesse: "I'm a big dork, I-.. uh... I like that shit; it's fun! It.. it-... - I don't know, maybe.. - maybe just because it's something,.. that me and my brother can actually bond at or something, or like talk about, that's all we, that's all we have in common, you know - maybe maybe it's it, I dunno you can always talk about Star Wars and.."
[...]
[Cori Haisler]
[Lisa Renley]
[Harry Pottash]
[Lisa Renley]
[David Ashe]
[Harry Pottash]
Mike: "Lucasfilm is kind of like the Dark Side - as far as crushing... crushing people that, you know,.. infringe on the Star Wars copyrights, and things like that and..; the.. the whole.. evil.. marketing.. angle to it; and the fact that the movies are just.. mere... filmed commercials..."
"Do you think that Lucasfilm is the evil empire?"
Mike: "I wouldn't go so far..; actually, that was... Russia?"
[Rich]
Jay: "The Phantom Menace kinda... I enjoyed it, for a little while; and then I started to think about it - and then I was like, "wow, that really sucked"; and then I watched the old movies - and I just didn't enjoy them anymore. [laughs]
"So you're not looking forward to Attack of the Clones?"
[Cori Haisler]
[Harry Pottash]
"Are you looking forward to Attack of the Clones?"
Mike: "Um... - like I told Rich, with Episode 1 I was looking forward to... the Star Wars saga, the plot, the characters, the story - with Episode 2, I've kind of... um, put all those.. ... expectations aside and I really just wanna see.. interesting Star Wars fight scenes, and battles, and explosions, and just basically a special effect movie; that's really what I wanna see.
Even though it's argued that that's what the 1st 3 are, but I really think there is a little more to those than that, but - the 1st one just kind of shattered all expectations of... the ori-.. the, the 1st 3 films in the saga having any kind of... interesting story, I mean - th-.. they're just kinda ruined from now on, with the.. the fact that Obi-Wan's character, and, Anakin's character have all b- just been ruined - basically; so, there's really nothing you can do at this point to save it - other than... to completely.. erase time and remake the movie."
[Rich]
[David Ashe]
[Rich]
[Jay]
[Rich]
[David Ashe]
[Jesse]
[David Ashe]
[Lisa Renley]
[John Brugmann]
[David Ashe]
[John Brugmann]
[Lisa Renley]
[Rich]
____
----------------
http s://ww w.youtube.com/watch?v=pc3tYXbUuV0
upload: That Shelf, 19.4.2011
Interview with Mike Stoklasa of Red Letter Media
9:11
[...]
Q: "[...] are you guys just primarily doing, uh... I would say sarc-.. not sarcastic, but very.. sardonic reviews of horrible, horrible sci-fi movies?"
Mike: "Yeah.. yeah.. um - sarcastic's good; as well as sardonic, um... - yeah, it's more like a.. a video essay?; a breakdown?; a documentary?;"
Q: "Definitely."
Mike: "...; uh... satire... critique... it's a whole bunch of different things all rolled into one thing."
Q: "It's a.. character piece, a character piece as well..."
Mike: "Yeah - ... performance art? I guess? Although I'm not really performing it, live, but it is something... like that, I guess..."
[...]
Q: "[...]; um, you did the 4 Next Generation review - um.. Generations, First Contact, Insurrection, ..an, uuhhh... ...."
Mike: "Nnnnemesis."
Q: "Nemesis, that one; the.. one with.. the.. horrible Picard clone; um..."
Mike: "Yes..."
Q: "What kind of-, I.. guess inspired you to start doing these reviews?"
Mike: "Well, the.. - the very first review is Generations; um, I'd, I.. was a huge Next Generation fan, as a kid, you know growing up, and, what not - and when I saw that.. movie in the theaters, I just, I hated it - um; and uh.. years went by, up until 2008, and I-.. I just decided to buy it again? And I watched it, and I was just like.... ..I-... remember why I hate this movie so much?
So I had a lot of free time and I just.. - said, you know - I'm gonna make a.. a video, about all the points.
You know, cause - it's hard to, like, really... I get-.. I get really into stuff - and it's hard to, like, do all that in a conversation with somebody?, so I'm just like: I'm gonna make a video - detailing all the points about why I don't like this movie, or why I thought it didn't work;
and,.. and so I made that, and I just made it.. for the intention of just for myself - just to do it. And so I put it on Youtube, and, it started to get... good [...?...] it started to get momentum, and, people liked it, I was like ".... ok" - I didn't expect anyone to swatch it - I really ddn't, I didn't care;
and, um - and then people started saying like, "are you gonna do the First Contact?" - "are you gonna do the First Contact", and [hand gesture: "and so on"] - and so after they kept asking, I was like "ok, I'll do First Contact", and [then?] I just started doing them - and, getting, more.. better... "more better"... - getting better at it, as I went along.
[.....]
http s://ww w.youtube.com/watch?v=_X43Tq9EE78
upload: ComicBookSyndicate, 19.8.2011
Mike Stoklasa (Mr. Plinkett) interview | COMIC BOOK SYNDICATE
7:13
[....] I had bought that movie, I hadn't seen it since it came out - I bought Star Trek Generations, I watched it - and I was like "oh my gosh" you know "I hate this movie" - and, why don't I just make a, like a, video essay, about all the little things - cause it was-.. it's like, if you're having casual conversation with someone, it's hard to really like, nitpick the whole movie, and kind of talk about it, so - I made a video review of that - and it was like... it was like 25 or 30 minutes long, something like that;
and, um - it started to get, like, popular, slowly; people started watching it. And I actually just made it for me - you know; I didn't really care that anybody watched it, it was just something fun to do - at the time, so...
Um, started to get, like, passed around on message boards, and, stuff like that, and so I was like: Ok, well - I don't really like any of the Next Generations movies that much - so I'm just gonna go on to the next one.
And then it kinda snowballed from there - where I did all 4 Next Generation movies.
[... hits ...]
So I decided, after that - it's like - well what do I do next; I should probably keep doing these, these are fun, people like them, I'm getting a lot of good feedback - and, um...
You know, my friend Rich is like "well", you know - "the next obvious thing to review is uh.. Episode 1 The Phantom Menace", and it's like - oooh, you know, cause that's... that's like... soooooo... difficult - you know; it's like "oh my gosh, where do you start"...
So, I'd made that one; and, um - that was 70 minutes; so I posted it in 7 parts on Youtube, on my same channel, and, um; and that one got really when [... Lindelof+Pegg shout-outs; hits ...]
Q: "And, how does that make you feel?"
Mike: "... I dunno it's great.. - a lot-.. you know, a lot of people really like it..."
Q: "Do you feel, I dunn-.. do you feel like a celebrity[?]?
Mike: "Not really?... No?.. I mean, people come up to the booth, and they're like, you know, "You've changed Star Wars, you changed my opinion!", and it's like - you know; .... I dunno...
Q: "Well you know it's funny, is, I mean, I-.. I definitely felt a lot of the same things you did, but - I've seen "Attack of the Clones" a hundred times - but there's so many things that I'd never noticed, until you pointed them out - and, I just think-, I mean... how-.. for example, how many times have you seen each of the prequel movies?
Mike: "Not.. not that many."
Q: "Really?."
Mike: "Yeah. I [?]"
Q: "Well you're really insightful."
Mike: "A lotta-.. Well, I- - a lotta people say like "how- did you have to watch it a hundred times, to kind of find everything", it's like - I don't know; I think I'm just... observational; like I just notice.. little things, and.. ..."
[...Plinkett voice...] - so, when I started to do the Generations review, I recorded it in my normal voice - and it was just horribly dry and boring. And I was like, you know what, I need to do this in a character; - and I need to.. ...funny bits, throughout the whole thing; - little asides, that he says, little jokes - and, I'm like, ok...
And then I started doing it, it was like "ok, this works" - you know; it works that it's, uh, like, a kind of a.. creepy.. weird.. guy that's talking about this movie - but making valid points at the same time; so it's, it's that... - contradiction? You know, that.. so...
Uh, I was kind of doing the voice that my friend Rich did. So - ..."
[...Fake Plinkett; filmmaking career/activity, editing; ...] 5:07-5:55
[.........]
Q: "Are you going to eventually.. do the.. the original Star Wars trilogy, or have you done that?, I don' think you..."
Mike: "No..."
Q: "No reason to, right?"
Mike: "There's no reason to.
Other people have done it; where they take it and, they're trying to do, sort of like a Mr Plinkett thing?, like "Oh, these movies have horrible flaws too!", but -"
Q: "Yeah"
Mike: " - just don't work. [smirks]"
http s://ww w.youtube.com/watch?v=uKy43Kgv7wk
135 CPH PIX 2012 #6: Den ultimative "Star Wars"-hader
vvfilmztv
[....gibberish....]
1:40-2:57 [Generations, same]
[Generations review intro]
3:23-4:27
Mike: "Over time, it got more... more of a method to it over time; um... - it just basically starts with me writing a script out; and now I add the points in, and...
I think in the first-.., the Generations review, I did 2 parts - that were about 10 or 15 minutes long; and then I wrote "The End" - at.. at the 2nd one, and I was like "oh, I have more!" - so I just, I just continued on, it was a really kind of a... like a mess - you know?; but now it's like, I'll,.. I'll write out a script - and I'll try and get the script as tight as possible; um... - before I start doing voice-over.
And then when I start doing voice-over, I usually ad-lib stuff; - and then, when I go in the editing process, I'll be editing something and I'll notice a little something else - (and?) I'll go "oh!" - and then I'll make a separate, a secondary script of pick-up lines - like a.. whole paragraph about "I wanna add this, about... - you know, Luke Skywalker saying this", or whatever - little point that I come up with, so -
And then it becomes like a refining process, going back and forth between editing and.. voice-over;
I originally recorded it as myself" [Plinkett voice explanation]
[success, invitation to this film festival]
6:35-7:05
"I mean I-.. I can see the appeal of the reviews... - themselves, like... the... I mean, it's.. one of the things that I intentionally tried to do with it, was the mixture of comedy and information - it's like going back and forth, you know, you give the audience a little bit, and then take it away; and then you give them a little bit more and you take it away - it keeps them interested; it keeps them watching for 70 minutes, or 120 minutes or whatever;"
[...]
8:40-10:15
"Well - it's... they're movies that I grew up with;
and that's what everybody says; - and I know the whole, like, "George Lucas ruined my childhood" angle; um - but I think it's... that's like a crutch, that's something people say, as an attack?;
because, it's not just that, I think the original 3 were... um.. they're universally loved movies, and they can appeal to any audience, and..
people say that about the new ones, "oh they're just movies for kids", - and all that stuff, but it's not.. - it's not necessarily true, I think they are... bad movies; you know - and that was just kind of my point, was to.. kind of articulate why.
But, like - you know, I was inspired by the Star Wars movies, I've seen Empire Strikes Back a million times, as a kid;
you know it's like - those 3 movies are just like.. burned into my brain, I know every sound, every edit, - you know - everything about them, and... -
- it's not just because I grew with them, watching them? - cause, you can watch them now and still like them - you can't go back and watch other things that you watched as kids, and they-, they don't hold up, you know - so ... .
And I think, you know, it's like.. certain movies are timeless; and, I don't think the new 3 are...
And that's just sort of the point - it's just.. to articulate that."
[gibberish]
----------------------
[visuals]
----------
Mandela intonations:
----------
Anyways - so I realize that Senator Palpatine was using the Trade Federation to create a crisis to advance himself politically; like that was the plot - I think?! But the conflict from the blockade and the subsequent invasion is the ENTIRE MOVIE! Understanding what role the Trade Federation played in this is important.
You know, what the blockade was about, who was getting taxed, what kinda supplies were so crucial to the Naboo - what was it, like medical supplies? Was there some kinda plague? Did they not have the capacity to survive on such a lush planet with a huge power reactor for one day without space trade?
You see I would have accepted the idea of some kinda mystery villain if the basics were at least clear.
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p1 of 7 htt ps://ww w.youtube.com/watch?v=FxKtZmQgxrI&list=PLZJ2yOBfQ1hr3wacUOgHhY_ZFZ2ujxAEo
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Plinkett: Ep1
ORIGINAL UPLOAD DATE: December 10, 2009
P1 of 7
"http://www.redlettermedia.com - Finally it's here! The truly epic review/critique/analysis/film making educational video of the 1999 film "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" There was so much to discuss with this film it had to be long so please don't complain. If you think it's too long then don't watch it. In this opening segment I discuss the major flaw of The Phantom Menace which is the characters and the lack of connection with the audience."
Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was the most disappointing thing since my son. I mean how much more could you possibly fuck up the entire backstory to Star Wars?
And while my son eventually hanged himself in the bathroom of the gas station, the unfortunate reality of the Star Wars prequels is that they'll be around - forever; they will never go away. They can never be undone.
If you're someone who's under the age of like, 20 - who says his least favorite film in the series is The Empire Strikes Back, because it was... "the most boringest one" - then I suggest you shut this review off right now; before I carefully explain how much of a fucking idiot you are.
So where do I possibly start?
"Mesa hatin' crunchin'."
Nothing in The Phantom Menace makes any sense at all - it comes off like a script written by an 8 year old. It's like George Lucas finished the script in one draft - like, turned it in, and they decided to go with it, without anyone saying that it made no sense at all, or was a stupid, incoherent mess.
I guess at this point who's gonna question George, or tell him what to do?
"I take it… you say "action", after we roll camera?"
"..."
Lucas: "I'll say action… sometimes I forget. If I forget to say action or cut, just step in and say action or cut." [Rick McCallum looking worried still]
He controls every aspect of the movie! He probably got rid of those people that questioned him creatively a long time ago... [Han Solo getting electrocuted]
I also think that everyone just assumed that a Star Wars prequel would be an instant hit, regardless of what the plot was. Really - how hard could it be to screw up [Jar Jar gets electrocuted]? It's like screwing up mashed potatoes - you BOIL THE WATER; you POUR IN THE PACKET-
Number 1: The Characters
The biggest and most glaring problem with The Phantom Menace is the characters.
This is like the most obvious part of movie making? But I guess I gotta explain it when talking about this turd. [Jar-Jar stepping in turd]
Let's start at Movie Making 101, shall we?
[EpIV Luke introduction] You see, in most movies the audience needs a character to connect with; typically this character is something called a... "Proh-ta-gawnist".
[podrace announcer] When you're in a weird movie with like aliens [Neimoidians in front of Sidious hologram], and monsters [Tattoine food vendor], and weirdos [Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan right after pulling back their cowls], the audience really needs someone who's like a normal person like them, to guide them through the story [Luke in dinner scene].
Now this of course doesn't apply to every movie - but it works best in the sci-fi [SW]; superhero [Spiderman]; action [Die Hard]; and fantasy genres [Gremlins].
I picked a few examples to illustrate this point:
[Examples of Basic Protagonists]
Marty McFly;
John McClane;
Billy Peltzer [Gremlins];
Sarah Connor;
Neo;
Charlie Bucket;
Peter Parker;
Cliff Secord [Rocketeer];
Johnny Rico [Starship Troopers];
Rocky Balboa;
and Kevin Bacon [Tremors?].
So in addition to being like an everyday kinda schlub, usually the pro-.. protegunist.., is someone that's down on their luck [Sarah Connor spilling food on a customer];
in a bad place in their life [Kevin Bacon spilling trash out of trashbag];
or someone who everything just doesn't always go perfectly for them [Marty's family car is destroyed].
[splitscreen: Kevin Bacon / Billy Peltzer sprayed with fluid]
Mr. Rhineheart: "Either you choose to be at your desk, on time, from this day forth - or you choose to find yourself another job."
Agent Fitch: "Well maybe it's time to get a REAL job!"
Mr. Strickland: "No McFly ever amounted to anything in the history of Hill Valley!"
Eventually they'll be confronted with some kinda obstacle or struggle that they gotta deal with:
[Neo unable to speak]
Kitten Smith: "WAR! WE'RE GOIN' TO WAR!"
[Gremlin attack]
If we like them, we hope they succeed. [Neo fights Agent Smith] [Neo hiding in the walls]
The drama in the film is the result of us rooting for them against opposition. [Rocky in ring]
Eddie Valentine: "Go get 'em kid."
Eventually our.. prowto... mn.., find themselves in the lowest point where it seems like all is lost [Marty starting to fade; Neo fatally shot, Tank and Morpheus stare at the monitor] - but eventually they'll pull through and conquer whatever force opposes them.
[Die Hard]
Sarah Connor: "You're terminated fucker!"
It's satisfying when our hero gets ahead from where they started off at. [Starship Troopers soldiers cheering; Charlie Bucket]
Adrian: "I LOVE YOU!"
Rocky: "I love YOU!"
They make like a change; this is called an Arc [Neo bends walls; then opens eyes].
[Gremlins] Often too, they'll get the girl in the end, as icing on the cake. [John and Holly McClane, Spiderman and M.J., Valentine Mckee and Rhonda LeBeck, Charlie Bucket and Mr. Wonka]
[Obi-Wan & Qui-Gon "pathetic lifeform" scene] Now I need to explain that I don't think that all movies should be the same, or conform to the same kind of structure - but it works well in certain kinda movies;
so unless you're the Coen Brothers...
David Lynch...
Paul Thomas Anderson...
Stanley Kubrick...
Alfred Hitchcock...
Lars Von Trier...
David Cronenberg...
Gus Van Sant...
Quentin Tarantino...
John Waters...
Wes Anderson...
Sam Peckinpah...
Terry Gilliam...
Martin Scorsese...
Werner Herzog...
or Jim Jarmusch,
you really shouldn't stray away too far from this kind of formula [babies watching EpI on a screen: Palpatine announces likely election to Amidala]; especially if you're making a movie that's aimed at children, and has a cartoon rabbit in it that steps in the poopy.
This is all of course completely applicable to the original Star Wars film, and the character of Luke Skywalker.
Luke: "I wanna learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi, like my father."
This was accomplished even without all the wonders of modern CGI.
[invasion ships]
Now with all you've just learned (inthisvideothatI'vemadeforeducationalpurpose-) - I want you to tell me who the main character of The Phantom Menace was. [Theed celebration, "???????"]
I can tell you it's not the Jedi [pull back their cowls] - [Qui-Gon takes the beverage from the droid] they were just on some kind of boring mission, that they didn't really care about? Plus they were fucking boring themselves:
Obi-Wan: "What happens to one of you will affect the other, you must understand this."
Wasn't Queen Amidala [Amidala in 1st interior Palpatine scene] - ["course of action" shot] cause she was some.. foreign Queen, the movie was certainly not really about.. specifically either?
You might be thinking that it's Anakin [parting scene] - cause he was like a slave, and saved the day at the end by accidentally blowing up the starship? But the audience doesn't meet Anakin until 45 minutes into the movie; and then the things that are happening around him [walks along with the group upon Coruscant arrival] are [amidst hangar shootout] pretty much out of his control or understanding. [stands in front of Qui-Gon during Padme's speech to Boss Nass]
If a protagonist has no concept of what's going on [accidentally flies the ship, how cute] or what's at stake [kneeling before Boss Nass], then there's no real tension or drama; without that there's no story. [Blowing up the droid control ship] So the conclusion is that there isn't one...
Before the movie opened, I was really excited to hear that Scottish actor.. "Ewan McDonald", was going to be playing Obi-Wan Kenobi - I thought that was a great choice [side-by-side photos: McGregor with beard, Guinness as Obi-Wan], and he'd be perfect as the lead of this movie [seething from behind red forcefield]. But he wasn't really… [shakes hands with Anakin] he just sat on the ship and complained a lot.
Obi-Wan: "The Queen's wardrobe, maybe, but.. - not enough for you to barter with; not in the amount you're talking about." [floating pill]
[Qui-Gon, Jar Jar, Padme leaving Panaka behind] So you may like the characters - you know... [Midichlorian scene, camera facing Anakin] if you're stupid;
but let's ask some real people about the Star Wars characters, and see what they say.
I posed this simple challenge to them:
"Describe the following Star Wars character WITHOUT saying what they look like, what kind of costume they wore, or what their profession or role in the movie was.
Describe this character to your friends like they ain't never seen Star Wars."
The more descriptive they could get, the stronger the character, eh?/right?
Han Solo:
Rich: "He is a.. rogue, he's…" [{cantina:} smirks, :"Ok,"]
Jay: "He's very arrogant - uh… but charming;" [about to reverse Falcon, gets caught by the tractor beam "..."]
Jack: "Roguish, if you will..."
Gillian: "Han Solo is… totally dashing!" [Ep5: ?] [Ep5: sees Vader in the room]
Jack: "Wannabe dashing, he, he.. fancies himself a playboy;" [Ep4: in cockpit, points finger at Leia]
Jesse: "So, like, he's a.. a.. a smarmy, cocksure, uh… umm… womanizer?" [{scene with Luke before Death Star attack} ""]
Rich: "Sssssscoundrel..." [Ep5 kiss scene]
Jack: "Uuumm he.. is, uhh, he is pigheaded;" [Ep4: "Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy-"]
Gillian: "Completely sexy!… eh- in like a... bad boy sorta way? - where, like,.. he's gonna ride the line..." [{cantina}: " - I'm captain of the Millennium Falcon. Chewie here-"] [shoots communicator]
Rich: "He's got a bit of a.. a.. a dark streak to him with uhh… you know, shooting Greedo in the bar..." [preparing to shoot Greedo]
Jack: "But also, uh, deep down... uh, has a heart of g- the thief with a heart of gold, that's his character, really." [{scene with Luke before Death Star attack:} "May the Force be with you.", "I know what I'm doing."]
Qui-Gon Jinn:
Rich: [{Tatooine dinner scene:} looks back away from Jar Jar after his 1st tongue stunt (Jar Jar not visible in this split-screen) - slightly slowed down]
"He is... ... ["against, saaay...] ..sssssstoic?" [... - the boy and his mother"]
Gillian: "I don't remember that character." [Qui-Gon: "You should be very proud of your son -"
Mike, off-screen: "Ok he's Liam Neeson - ]
- with the beard." [Qui-Gon: "He has special powers."
Gillian: "Ohhhhh… .. yes...." Shmi: ".... Yes."
Jay: "Well he has a beard. [laughs]" Qui-Gon: "He can see things before they happen -"]
Jack: "Qui-Gon Jinn, and, uh he-.. uh, he was…" [{1st Council scene:} look to the side: "- I've encountered a vergence"]
Jesse: "[laughs, claps] UUUMMMm.... let's see here, ummm… ..... ...stern?" ["Midichlorians are a microscopic lifeform that resides within all living cells."] ["and you're a much wiser man than I am - I foresee you will become a great Jedi Knight."](thumbnail)
C-3PO:
Jack: "His character, is, the, uh… is kind of the.. - bumbling sidekick;" [about to get shot on Bespin]
Rich: "Afraid, a scaredy cat, he's... timid;" [walking through the dunes]
Gillian: "C-3PO is… anal-retentive;" [Hoth escape, gets door shut in front of him, then pulled in]
Rich: "He's.. prissy." [Tantive IV corridor, looks up at the tractor beam noise]
Jay: "Um, well C-3PO is.. is prissy... He's uh.. uh... used a lot as comic relief,.." [Death Star, communicating with Luke, telling R2 to ?]
Jack: "He is the comic relief;" [stands in Falcon, holding his leg]
Gillian: "High strung." [in smoke-filled control room]
Jack: "He's bumbling, uh, effeminate;" [Hoth control room]
Queen Amidalan:
Rich: "That is going to be fucking impossible because she doesn't have a character." [{throneroom briefing:} "I will not condone a course of action that will lead us-"]
Jack: "She...[chuckles] … is um… ...." [{3rd indoor Palpatine scene:} [contemplates, then dramatically looks up:] "Senator - this is your arena; I feel I must return to mine."]
"..[laughs], she's Natalie Portman?" [{Naboo insurrection briefing:} "- [turns to her left] the Gungans must draw the droid army away from the cities."]
Gillian: "Uh, yeah, like uh-.. like-.. just.. kind of-…" [talks to Anakin on the way to Coruscant: "worried - her people are suffering, dying"]
Rich: "Uummm.. well I can't say she's a Queen, I was gonna say she's a Queen..." [{flying to Naboo briefing:} sitting on the throne, wider shot, glancing toward her right at Panaka: "As soon as we land, the Federation will arrest you, and force you to sign the treaty."]
Gillian: "Normal... I guess; just kind of normal." [{Senate scene:} "If this body is not capable of action... I-"]
Rich: "Make-up would be a description, I was gonna describe the make-up-" [{flying to Naboo briefing}, close-up: "I need your help."]
Jay: "[sigh] Describe... Queen Amidala's character; um… [{on Nute's screen:} "-now - and that you have been commanded to reach a settlement." [Amidala's close-up continues as Nute is saying:] "I know nothing of any.. ambassadors? -"]
... monotone?" [{1st indoor Palpatine scene} - middle-range shot: "-ncellor Valorum seems to think there is hope?" "If I may-";
Jack: "She is the…"
Jay: "She looks a lot like Keira Knightley..." ...; close-up: "-longer to decide things than the Senate!"]
Jesse: "[laughs] I can't answer that and you know it..." [{3rd indoor Palpatine scene:} looking out the window (while Jar Jar is finishing his line); turns around at Palpatine's entrance]
Gillian: "…. so…" [{Senate scene:} "I will not defer - I've come before you to resolve this attack on our so-"]
Jack: "Uh, she iiiiiiissss... ... this is funny by the way, I get it."
[Amidala=Sabé (almost out of the splitscreen frame): "Either [Padmé glances over to the Decoy]choice presents great danger - [turns to Padmé (face partially visible in the splitscreen frame now)] to us all."
Padmé: "We are brave, Your Highness." [Sabé turns away and lowers gaze as Padmé is replying (her face no longer in the splitscreen)]
[starts turning back toward Qui-Gon as he starts talking] Qui-Gon: "If you are to leave, Your Highness-" [has now completely turned toward Qui-Gon]]
CONTINUED IN PART TWO
4: 2 Threepio
5: 1 Han, 2 Threepio
Phantom Menace Review interview Outtakes
"We've un-earthed some never-before-seen footage from the review. Here's some newly edited outtakes from the interview segments of the Phantom Menace review."
Mike: "So how are you today?"
Gillian: "I'm doing fine; I'm doing great today."
Mike: "Ok. Um, I wanna ask you, just a couple brief questions about Star Wars?
Gillian: "Ok!.."
Mike [to Jack]: "Without describing.. what.. the character looks like; what the character's role in the movie is, or their profession."
Mike [to Gillian]: I want you to describe the character of Han Solo, to someone who hasn't seen the movie before.
Mike: "... or what they look like; I want you to describe Qui-Gon Jinn."
Rich: "Boring."
Gillian: "Ok, but, don't say what he looks like?"
Mike: "What he looks like, what.. costume he wears;"
Gillian: "Don't say that?"
Mike: "what he is, like "he's a smuggler" - no; do not mention those things."
Gillian: "Ok..."
Mike: "You wanna describe him.-"
Gillian: "Ok!..."
Mike: "- as a character [?to this question?],"
Gillian: "Ok..."
Mike: ", like he's a f-.. a friend of yours."
Gillian: "Yeah!.."
Mike: "Now, we're gonna talk about.. Queen Amidala next, describe her character."
Jay: "Well - she wears white make-up. [laughs]"
Jesse: "[chuckles]"
Mike: "I just - I just wanna know: like I've asked now 5 people,"
Jesse: "Yeah.."
Mike: "- how they would describe these characters, cause that's a big chunk of this review, is-.. is, characters."
Jesse: "Just like, who the.. - who the people are..."
Mike: "And the.. Yeah, well- the flaw of that movie, and I'm breaking down the movie and why it's bad; and, and.. not relating to those characters,.."
Jesse: "Right.."
Mike: "..I could ask you who the protagonist is - which I haven't asked anybody; yet. Um.."
Jesse: "That'd be a kind of good one..."
Gillian: "I can't even say her name... "Amudala"?"
Mike: "Amidala, yeah."
Gillian: "Amidala... Queen Amidala... uh, is, to me... sort of.. stoic... and boring? Uhh..."
Jack: "Uhh, she... cares for her people... -ish? [chuckles, laughs] I don't.. ... Queen A-.. she i-.. Queen Amidala is, Natalie Portman;"
Mike: "[cracks up]"
Jack: "and, in the,.. in the 2nd one uh, she i-..., she shows her midriff."
Gillian: "Plain with a lot of make-up [laughs]."
Rich: "Ehhhhm..."
Mike: "Without using the word "bald", .."
Jack: "Ok.."
Mike: ", "black guy", or "Jedi", we're gonna describe..: Mace Windu."
Jack: "Okay. ..... Uh, he uhh..."
Rich: "I guess they, say he's frem..bellious, but... he doesn't act that way? - really at all?"
Jesse: "Well, I guess he- I don't see here, he's uh... [laughs] I can't answer that and you know it, [laughs]."
Jay: "[laughs out]"
Jesse: "... [laughs] [leans back while laughing] Oh, just hit my head on the, chair.."
Jay: "Do you want me to actually.. - like uh.. cause I, I genuinely cannot think of anything to describe her as; is that.. - is the goal, like, to get people going like: "um,.. um..""
Jesse: "[still laughing]"
Mike: "What about, um - Obi-Wan Kenobi?"
Gillian: "Uhhm..."
Mike: "From-.. - from the Phantom Menace."
Gillian: "Right; uhh..."
Jack: "Describing... the character of.. Princess Leia, is that of the... uh,.. she is the.. I suppose the reluctant Damsel in Distress - where she.. uh, she is hoping... she is the character where she's.. - she's hoping to,.. to free herself and free her own people, but she eventually has to be rescued.
Gillian: "Princess Leia is kind of like.. - the smart one? Which... ... ....obviously she's a woman - so it makes sense that she would be the voice of reason and empathy."
Jack: "She's headstrong; she.. is, uh, overconfident.. in herself - and underconfident in those around her."
Gillian: "I mean I think goes along with like the.. ... having brains, like she's not gonna wait around, she's just gonna, like.. - she's gonna see the most logical and immediate choice in the situation, and - make it happen."
Rich: "Luke is very innocent - Han is.. not; uh.. ...
Uh, Luke is... very, uh... heroic, while Han's kind of.. looking out for himself - I guess you could say Han is selfish and Luke is not."
Gillian: "Well - so he starts out a country boy; and, sort o-.. literally from the country - and kind of come-.. like has to come to terms with the fact that like... .... he has a purpose within this... uh.. this,.. universe, that is.. far greater than himself."
Jay: "You can.. you can say... like, very sort of broad things about all the characters, like: "Luke's the farmboy!", "Obi-Wan's the,.. the old wizard!", you know, things like that, but then... - they fill in the blanks; uh they, they.. flesh them out more, and make them real people.
Um.. - and with Episode 1, yeah, it is, like - "Qui-Gon's the Jedi."; "Queen Amidala is the queen.".."
Gillian: "And then - that, like, that progresses to, realizing like his.. familial relationship to.. someone that he identifies as truly evil."
Jack: "If he was like, like Ha-.. Han Solo, the.. the thief with the heart of gold, and she's the bitch with the heart of gold, right - it's cool for Han, but for her she's just a cunt.."
Gillian: "Uhh.. hi- his whole sort of journey is really like a-.. a... quest of discovery, to... make sense of his.. purpose."
Mike: "I don't mean to put you on the spot.."
Jesse: "No, you - you do; .. um.."
Mike: "Actually I do."
(Jay: "That's exactly what you do.")
Jesse: "You definitely do, that's exactly what you're doing.."
Mike: "So you can't remember the queracter.. you can't remember the character of Qui-Gon Jinn at all?"
Gillian: [shakes head]
Mike: "When was the last time you saw the film?"
Gillian: "I-.. I watched it yesterday."
Jay: "... [sighs] ... I've no idea where this is going.."
Mike: "A, a challenge, can you.. describe the difference between Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon?"
Gillian: ".... Uh, one o-.. one of them is taller I think.."
Mike: "Um.. one last question - uh, can you explain the difference between Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn?; other than "padawan, master"."
(Jay: "In Phantom Menace or just in general?")
Mike: "In Phantom Menace."
(Jay: "Ah, ok..")
Jack: ".... No. [laughs]"
(Jay: [laughs])
add [visuals]
"ORIGINAL UPLOAD DATE: December 10, 2009"
P2 of 7
"Part two now focuses on the second biggest problem with the Phantom Menace, the story. The mystery plot lacking direction and emotional involvement was really the other big problem. No tension, no drama, no stakes. Characters aimlessly follow along the events."
Number 2: The Story
The secand biggest problem with the Phantom Menace is the whole story and the way it was told; it's almost mind-boggling how complex the awfulness is.
From the very start of this movie I could tell something was really wrong - just by the way it started:
It opens with some boring pilot asking for permission to land on a ship that looks like a half-eaten doughnut with the doughnut hole in the middle… what the fuck is that?
Then two cloaked figures walk into a room in a completely flat angle; they sit down in a conference room, drink tea, and wait to talk about a trade dispute with something that looks like my ex-wife.
While they eventually do get to the ball-numbing, mindless action that the fanboys crave - [], I found myself utterly bored already.
Compare this fecal matter, to the opening of the original Star Wars. [Rebels desperately trying to outrun a Star Destroyer]
You see, a guy named William Shakesman once said: "Brevity is the soul of wit".
This just means don't waste my time; you keep it nice and simple. [Lucas examining a Dexter Jettster model] I said stop wasting my time… STOP IT.
Without saying one word of awkward, boring, political dialogue that goes on for ten minutes, we know everything we need to know just by the visuals:
Rebels;
Empire.
We get a sense of how small and ill-equipped the rebels are, and how large and powerful the Empire is.
The low angle implies dominance; and the length of the Star Destroyer implies the long reach of the Empire.
This shot says everything we need to know without saying one word. In fact, this is so genius, I have a feeling that George Lucas had nothing to do with it, and probably fought against putting it in the movie.
So this comparison of openings is a small example of the overall styles of both films:
The original trilogy was a modern day homage to the classic adventure serials of the past - the kind I used to watch when I was in my 40s?
Good vs. Evil;
the classic hero on a journey;
the adventurous rogue;
a damsel in distress;
the wise old sage;
gay robots;
and an epic quest of discovery [].
The new movies are about shoving as much crap into each shot as possible.
Rick McCallum: "It's so dense; every single image has so many things going on." [Jar-Jar hitting the droid's nose]
This is part of the reason why I find the Special Edition so fucking offensive. Cause you're into what's happening in the movie? - and they keep shoving more shit on the screen to distract you [].
It reminds me of a child waving his arms in the background for attention. Doesn't Lucas realize that cluttering the frame up with shit is not what makes Star Wars good?
Rick McCallum: "It's so dense; every single image has so many things going on."
Fuck you Rick Berman! You ruined this too? Stop ruining w-.. wait a minute… - that ain't Rick Berman. ... What is it with Ricks?!
vvvv------vis done------vvvv
So the film is called "The Phantom Menace", and by the nature of the story there is no clear villain [invasion ships].
Hey idiot - you're not making "The Usual Suspects" here; you're making a movie for children, right?
Palpatine: "Supreme Chancellor; delegates of the Senate. A tragedy has occurred - which started right here with the taxation of trade routes, and has now engulfed our entire planet in the oppression of the-"
How about a bad guy in the movie whose motivation is clear?
Vader [throws rebel soldier at the wall]: "Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans, and bring me the passengers - I want them alive!"
The prequels should be very similar in style to the originals, cause I don't like things that are different.
^^^^-----vis done------^^^^
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
So when you find yourself thinking things like: "Huh?"; or "What?"; when you're watching how illogical characters act in a movie, it's not really a good sign.
Now I've analyzed this film with a team of cheerleaders - they came up with one unanimous conclusion: that if I let them go, they promise they won't tell nobody.
vvvv------vis done------vvvv
Anyways - so at the end of the movie Yoda makes Obi-Wan a Jedi Knight:
Yoda: "Confer on you the level of Jedi Knight the Council does."
Even though in the opening titles it says he's a Jedi Knight.
["..."]
So we'll just call them Jedi Knights too; people call me a murderer even though I ain't never been caught yet... []
So the Jedis are there to do what exactly? According to the opening title crawl it was to "settle... a dispute, over the taxation of... trade routes".
...
Oh.
So what makes the Jedi Knights experts in intergalactic trade laws?
So the Trade Federation have set up a blockade around... Naboo, in order to stop them from getting space supplies - which instantly causes some kinda... crisis? - that we never see.
[record scratch]
Okay.… ..... I don't get it:
Why would an organization called The Trade Federation wanna blockade trade? Ric Olié: "There's the blockade!" Usually a blockade is to stop something you don't want to get in?
You see we once set up a naval blockade around Cuba - to stop the Russians from setting up missile launchers there.
It was a little event you might've heard of; wasn't a big deal, you know? - but you might've heard of it it was called WORLD WAR ONE?!
Geez you stupid people gotta learn your history right...
So if the Trade Federation were like merchants, moving goods and services around the Galaxy, then why did they seem more like a military, with armies of robots?
However if they were like a bureaucracy that was in charge of overseeing and regulating trade routes - you'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes - unless all the taxes went straight to like a Space Obama, and they didn't see any of it?
The point is I'm still not sure what the doughnut ships were there to do.
And don't any of you f*****s tell me that it was explained more in the novelization or some Star Wars book... What matters is the movie.
I ain't never read one of them Star Wars books... or any books in general for that matter; and I ain't about to start.
Don't talk about them stupid video games, or... or novels…. or f-.. comic books, or any of that fucking crap.
I've seen enough of that SHIT.
I got Phantom Menace toys scattered all over in my basement. You see my grandkids play with them down there when they come over to visit - and they leave that shit all over the place.
Lemme see if I can find some of them so I can show you; I'ma go down in my basement now, hold on. I gotta switch the cameras...
"Okay, here we are in my basement...
See my grandkids, they come over and they play and they leave their stupid Star Wars shit around. The Qui-Gon sucker... - they didn't even eat the sucker.
What's this shit - Anakin som'n...
What else did they leave around muh basement? [Skull and bones]
What's this? What is this, some kinda Darth Maul toy? These kids… always leavin' this crap around..
W-.... What's this, they left shit in my bin?! My plastic bin...
What is this?.. a little Darth Maul? Stupid Darth Maul-
Huh... what do we got here, THEY DIDN'T EVEN OPEN THIS!
"Naboo…. Naboo.. accessury set"..."
Nadine: "Mister?..
"wh... why didn't they open it.."
Nadine: "Mister..."
"Quiet.."
Nadine: "Please let me go, I promise I won't say anything! I'll do anything, just let me go!.."
"Quiet, I'm making my youtube Star Wars review."
Nadine: "What-... Star Wars?? ... W'd'you-.."
"What is this?"
Nadine: "Please don't hurt me!"
"Mace Windu..."
Nadine: "Mister please just let me go!-"
"I said QUIET!! I'M MAKING MY REVIEW SO JUST SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOU-"
Anyways, so I realize that Senator Palpatine was using the Trade Federation to create a crisis to advance himself politically; like that was the plot I think? But the conflict from the blockade and the subsequent invasion is the entire movie! Understanding what role the Trade Federation played in this, is important...
When/ell you know what the blockade was about [], who was getting taxed [Amidala in throne room], what kinda supplies were so crucial to the Naboo [Gunray and Decoy walking down the stairs] - what was it, like medical supplies? Just some kinda plague? Did they not have the capacity to survive on such a lush planet [] with a huge power reactor [] for one day without space trade? [Queen watching the invasion through a window]
You see I would've accepted the idea of some kinda mystery villain [Sidious hologram] if the basics were at least clear...
So when two guys wearing robes come on board their ship - Rosie the Robot just assumes they are Jedi Knights and tells the Shatnerians: TC-14: "The ambassadors are Jedi Knights, I believe." - even though [snout snitch] almost every single character [Leia after recording the message] wears robes in Star Wars [Jawas]. [Lando on Bespin] Then somehow this robot knows or-.. thinks they are Jedi Knights.
Hey idiots - so much for the disguise [pull back their hoods as the droid walks out of the room]. Even a protocol droid could sniff you out... [droid telling the Neimoidians]
Maybe it's not a disguise, but whatever- [the 2 Jedi walking through the negotiation room]
So the Shatnerians immediately inform this mystery guy who they're running this scam with – a guy who looks like Satan – that Jedis are on the ship;
and of course, so we can have an action scene - he tells them to kill the Jedi.
Sidious: "Kill them immediately!"
You see they never once went into the room to say hello to the Jedi [droid walking into the room with the drinks] - and that they'll be right with them? But they tell Palpatine that they are Jedis. And then they try to gas them to death, based solely on the hunch of a droid.
Who's fucking with my medicine...
Who wants a pizza roll? E-mail me if you want a pizza roll; Anybody want a pizza roll? post a comment on this webzone, if you want a pizza roll. [Puts a bunch of pizza rolls in an envelope] Gotta send this... in the mail.
Anybody want any....
I'll send em in the MAIL..
Who's fucking with my medicine..
...
"ORIGINAL UPLOAD DATE: December 10, 2009"
P3 of 7
"Paaaaaart 3. Shit just got real."
Now this is where it gets complex, my lovelies...
So I think this is what happened, I'm not sure; but Palpatine wanted to create a crisis on Naboo, so that the naïve young Queen would propose a vote of no confidence for Chancellor Valorum; this would lead to Palpatine getting elected in his place, right? Like, I mean that's the plot?... I think?
So how does killing the Jedi, or creating a communications blackout on the planet, even get word back to the Senate that there is a crisis?
At the end of the movie, Amidalen goes back to the planet to solve the problem herself - cause the Senate wanted to send an independent team to investigate whether or not the invasion was real.
Chancellor Valorum: "Will you defer your motion to allow a commission to explore the validity of your accusations?"
I guess the testimony of two Jedi Knights wasn't good enough; [Qui-Gon talking to Valorum on the Coruscant platform] those were the guys that Valorum trusted enough to settle the whole dispute in the first place? That don't make sense?..
So anyways - when-... when the guys told Palpatine that-.. that Jedis were there he should've said this:
"Tell the Jedi that there will be no negotiations; tell them that you plan to invade the planet next - and then send them back to Coruscant to inform the Senate."
Instead he tells them to do the exact opposite of what will help his plan;
like he wanted her to sign the treaty, right? "I want that treaty signed!" He seemed really intent on having her sign the treaty to make the invasion legal.
So what if she was like a total coward and then actually signed the treaty? Like, right away?
Then the crisis would be over and there would be no need for a vote of no confidence [invasion ships fly back; Valorum stands back up from his seat]. See what I mean, this sounding like an 8 year old wrote it?
^^^^------vis done------^^^^
So anyways - it's time to kill off the Jedi; oh good…
How do they go about it?
Well - they start pumping in an obvious deadly white gas into the room; this alerts them to danger.
Well actually blowing up their ship does? I guess they should've pumped in the gas first, then after the Jedis were dead, then blow the ship up?
Anyways - back to the gas. Hey, idiots! Have you ever heard of Carbon Monoxide? It's odorless and colorless - your wife won't even know what hit her.
Oh; I mean Jedi.
Also - moments earlier, the Jedi willingly drank tea that was given to them; WHILE they discussed how everything felt really fishy:
Qui-Gon: "I sense an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial as this trade dispute."
Hey - you guys got any rat poison lying around? PUT IT IN THE TEA! PUT IT IN THE TEA! They'll drink it, put the rat poison in the t-
So anyways,.. - then the th- Dioxisin starts filling up the room, and then-
Qui-Gon: "Dioxis!"
Waew... Hey wait - how does Qui-Gon know what kinda gas it is before he smells it? Isn't that like a contradiction? - d'you.. smell the deadly white gas, I guess it's a little too late.
Maybe just got a little sniff of it...
Anyways; you know this idea could work? - because we see that the Jedi hold their breath; which implies there's some kind of danger of them running out of breath, right?
Maybe they could hold their breath for like two hours cause their Jedis.
Well no that's not true, cause later in the film we see they need to use them breathing things, underwater?, for that short swim to the Gunga seaworld.
So anyways - it's like the Jedi know that the droids are gonna open up the door in a very short time before they run out of breath - because they don't immediately start trying to cut their way out. Which is what I'd be doing; I'd probably be screaming, too, like a little girl.
So what are they doing in there?
Then the dumbest line in the movie is said:
Gunray: "They must be dead by now - destroy what's left of them."
What does that mean?... Hey asshole! How about you leave the door closed for like 4 hours; and then if they try to cut through the door - start shooting them in the face. Then pump in more gas, and keep pumping it in.
Obviously you've never suffocated a hooker that was trying to escape from your crawlspace before. I'd recommend spraying Raid in there; you need to go with the "fast kill / low irritant" kind, it's in the blue bottle, it works the best. You'll need about 6 cans though..
What was I talking about?... Oh, right.
So-.. they open the doors anyways, and they let the Jedi out, and attack them with completely useless robots.
Just tell them to leave - and that you don't wanna negotiate. And then when their ship flies out of your space dock - SHOOT it with LASERS.
Also we need to consider the fact that killing two Jedi that were sent there as peaceful ambassadors would be a pretty heinous crime in the eyes of the Galactic Senate - an organization that runs everything? Including space taxes?
I mean you could just claim that they never got there?:
Nute Gunray: "I know nothing of any ambassadors?"
Palpatine: "I have assurances from the Chancellor - his ambassadors did arrive."
- but now you've got the burned wreckage of their ship, inside your horribly burned docking bay.
vvvv------vis done------vvvv
Number 4: Who's Doing What? Where? Why?
WHY ARE THE SHATNERIANS taking orders from this mystery hologram again? What did he promise them that would be so worth risking their entire organization for?
The location of the Fountain of Youth? A planet made of gold? Corrective surgery for this woman's face?
How about a night, in Megan's fox hole...
Seriously, what was it? Oh - we're never told, are we.
Generally speaking it's easy to get a handful of insane people to follow you on some kinda illegal or crazy scheme [Charles Manson] - but when you're talking about a huge organization that's run with military efficiency? Then they're probably gonna want something in return for the use of 30 of their ships and risking everything...
Darth Sidious can't really promise them future political favors because it would give away who he is.
When they get arrested at the end, they could just say: "It was like, a hologram in a cloak, he made us do it! ..In fact,.. he looks like… Palpatine! [ | ] And he sounds like him, too! We've got the recordings of the hologram - you wanna look at em?"
I find it hard to believe that these guys never started pointing fingers after they got caught...
Number 5: I can't put enough quotation marks around the word "Story", so I won't tr-
"Sir! They've gone up the ventilation shaft!"
How do you know that? I said how do you know that. Answer me, thing-in-the-mouth Face! What is that anyways - what, d'you smoke too much? What's wrong with your faaaaaaace
Anyways - Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon, they end up in the hangar bay somehow, where the droid armies are being staged for an invasion.
Why don't the Jedis just start fighting all of them? Then steal ?a/the? ship, and head back to Coruscant to tell the Galactic Senate what's going on.
It's not so crazy, because later in the film they attempt to run the blockade with one ship and they make it through; the fact that they even tried that, makes this a possible option!
What is wrong with your faaace?
But instead Qui-Gon in all his wisdom thinks it's a better idea to go down with the army to, quote, "warn the Naboo".
Gui-Gon: "We've got to warn the Naboo, and contact Chancellor Valorum."
Hey genius; if you're going down with the army - don't you think it's a little too late to warn them about the army?
And what the fuck are the Naboo gonna do anyways? They don't even have a real army - just volunteers.
Cpt. Panaka: "Our security volunteers will be no match against ?a/the? battle-hardened Federation army."
So the droid army just rolls in; unchallenged, as expected. Just like the Nazis into France, in a little historical event you might've heard of? Mmm what was it called, uhh... THE FRENCH REVOLUTION.
Anyways... - so then for no reason they decide to stow away on different ships.
Qui-Gon: "Let's split up - stow aboard separate ships and meet down on the planet."
Is this guy a fucking retard?! Maybe that's why they call him Qui-Gon Jinn - cause he's always drinking gin...
This is a minor point, but what would going down on the planet on separate ships accomplish? Let's think about this:
Number 1. - Increase the chances of getting caught by 100%.
2. - Have no one else to help you if you get caught and get into a fight with robots.
3. - Increase the possibility of getting separated by hundreds, if not thousands of miles by not knowing where the other craft is going to land on the planet-
But thankfully they both aren't discovered, and they meet up in the same spot in the woods.
Then, although the reason for them going down to the planet was to warn the Naboo about the army - they decide to follow a cartoon rabbit underwater. Why?! Why not just keep moving towards the Naboo city?
Hey Jinnie! I thought you went down there to warn the Naboo. How is this gonna accomplish that? What was your plan from the beginning when you got down there? Did you... plan to find a magical underwater craft that would.. go through the planet's core [in the Bongo]? Or did you just plan to run along the surface [running along the surface]?
What's wrong with your faaace
This is the first point they should've ditched Jar Jar.
This is also the point when the movie starts to officially fall apart.
This is the moment, when the Star Wars saga is now damaged totally beyond repair; the lapses in common sense and logic begin to compound on the movie, and now it is broken.
I could end this review here! But I'm really just getting started...
I do have to go to traffic court soon though - I accidentally ran over a Korean family with my car…
What is wrong with your faaace?
"ORIGINAL UPLOAD DATE: December 10, 2009"
P4 of 7
"I squeeze gats till my clips is empty."
Number 6: Invasion! Of Boring…
Sio Bibble: "A communications disruption can mean only one thing - invasion." It can also mean that you didn't pay your phone bill...
So the Naboo seem to be on the case about this thing?; the old guy seems to know what's going on...
And although they are a peaceful people with no army - this asshole seems to be an expert in the process of planetary invasions.
So what exactly is the purpose of this invasion?
It's almost like after Lucas wrote the invasion scenes, he didn't.. really know what to do next? - so he thought he'd make the Queen have to sign a treaty, to make the invasion legal; I mean, why not?
First of all, forcing someone to sign a treaty sorta contradicts the purpose of a signature on a treaty ["I will not cooperate." "Now, now, Your Highness - in time, the suffering of your people will persuade you to see our point of view."] - you might as well just forge it if you're gonna make her sign it?
So meanwhile Qui-Gon Booze and Obi-Wan are in the underwater city.
Qui-Gon is still talking about warning the Naboo that they're about to be attacked - when he really doesn't know that they are actually going to attack them.
Qui-Gon: "A droid army is about to attack the Naboo."
Then since Qui-Gon is jumping to conclusions and making shit up, Obi-Wan starts doing it too!
Obi-Wan: "Once those droids take control of the surface, they will take control of you."
First of all, the only thing that the Jedis know at this point, is that they were sent to settle a trivial dispute about taxing trade routes ["I have a bad feeling about this..." "I don't sense anything." "It's not-"] - all of a sudden Obi-Wan thinks he knows the entire plan of the Trade Federation. How does he know they plan to take control of the surface, AND the underwater city too?
Maybe they just wanna steal some kind of priceless artifact from the Naboo.
Maybe the Naboo did some kind of horrific act against the Trade Federation and they're just getting some revenge.
Obi-Wan: "You and the Naboo form a symbiont circle - what happens to one of you will affect the other, you must understand this..."
And what does that even mean?? How is a totally isolated city underwater affected at all by the Naboo being attacked by droids on the complete other side of the planet?
Yes - I said the other side of the planet, because...:
Boss Nass: "The speediest way to da Naboo, tis going through... the planet core… - noooooow-"
By planet core I assume he means planet core. Like, the center? Usually that's what a core is.
So they spend 2 hours flying deeper and deeper into the planet underwater - I guess to emerge on the other side of the planet? I guess?
This begs the question: why did the droid armies land on the other side of the planet where the Gunga city is? If they expected no opposition, why land in the middle of forests, and spend time chopping through the woods so far away from your target?
Why not just land right outside the city? Or in the city?
Anyways... - so like idiots they surface the bongo right in the middle of an occupied city in broad daylight; and then Jinnie just looks around without any attempt at subterfuge.
Inside the city, Queen Aminalan has been captured by the green guys; but instead of forcing her to sign the treaty right then and there - or keeping her locked up inside the big capital building under heavy guard - they inexplicably send her away from them. ["I will not cooperate." "Now, now, Your Highness - in time, the suffering of your people will persuade you to see our point of view."]
"Commander."
"Yes, sir?"
"Process them..."
Remember - this is the most important person in their whole plan - and they send her to be... "processed"?, in some place called "Camp 4".
Droid: "Captain - take them to Camp 4."
Droid: "Roger, roger."
Ohh; but at least they remember to send her with a whopping 8 battle droids to protect her from the 2 Jedis that they just discussed they had not found yet.
"You didn't tell him about the missing Jedi..."
"No need to report that to him, until we have something to report." ^^^^------vis done------^^^^
But don't worry - these battle droids have proven very effective against Jedi Knights.
[... ] Ohhhhh... wait, nooooo…
You know it really adds a lot of tension in the movie when the main enemy forces are totally ineffective. [ ...]
Panaka: "There are too many of them!"
Qui-Gon: "It won't be problem."
Ohh, it shouldn't be a problem... wooo, now I'm really on the edge of my seat.
George: "Yea, the Jedi just cut 'em down like they're butter... and they really are pretty useless."
Fuck you-..
vvvv------vis done------vvvv
Number 7: ESCAPE!! From the planet of Boring...
Ok so they free the Naboo air force, and then they get on a silver jet thing, to run through a blockade;
which again I remind you, the point of a blockade is to stop ships from getting through - so Qui-Gon Jinn could have very easily gotten everyone killed. Does anyone smell gin? Hey - it's 11:30 in the morning, who's been drinking?
So no one's really that nervous about running this blockade [Ric Olié: "There is the blockade!"] until the shield generator gets hit.
Shabams! Blamo! Shabams!
Ric Olie: "Shield generator's been hit!" Oooo... then suddenly it's dangerous.
^^^^------vis done------^^^^
...Hey wait: just like knowing what kinda deadly gas it is before you smell it - how does the shield generator get hit while the shields are up? Shouldn't the n- ahh fuckit.
Panaka: "If we can't get the shield generator fixed, we'll be sitting ducks!"
Wait, slow down asshole? Everything anyone says in this movie makes no sense, so I have to keep up here, ok? Stop.
Ric Olie: "The shields are gone!"
Ok - wait..
Obi-Wan: "We're losing droids fast!"
Wait!
Obi-Wan to Jar Jar: "Stay here - and keep out of trouble."
Hold on a minute; n-..
"There is the blockade!"
Hold on!
"If we can't get the shield generator fixed, we'll be sitting ducks!"
Ok wait-.. - how will you be sitting ducks without a shield generator? Are you implying that WITH the shield generator you WOULDN'T be sitting ducks? That you would be able to breeze through this blockade somehow?
Doesn't that defeat the purpose of a blockade if any ship with an operational shield generator would suddenly not be a sitting duck and could go through the blockade?
I would think that with Trade Federation ships of that size and quantity - you'd get blown to fucking pieces with or without shields, if they all fired on you?
So anyways - R2-D2 sticks a thing in a thing and fixes the shield generator. Then the dude says:
Ric Olie: "Deflector shields up at maximum!"
Ok - so then that suddenly relieves all the tension in the scene, and allows them to escape the blockade.
If you'll notice though, after the shields are back up at maximum - they don't get hit again;
so really, R2 fixing the shield generator did nothing at all. M.. maybe it gave them the confidence to escape?
So then after they show no emotion at all about the droids being picked off one by one - "We're losing droids fast!", they inexplicably send R2 up to the Queen to get a pat on the head I guess.
She thanks the little piece of equipment like it's a person. Hey, nobody thank the ship! I think that did a lot more to help them escape...
Queen: "Thank you, R2-D2."
You see normal people don't think of droids as people; even the kind-hearted Luke Skywalker reacts with sarcasm when introducing himself to R2-D2:
"This is my counterpart, R2-D2."
"Hello."
Would a Queen really thank a droid? I dunno, maybe...
Again, this is a film for babies.
Palpatine: "I must be frank your Majesty, there is little chance the Senate will act on the invasion."
Queen: "Chancellor Valorum seems to think there is hope?"
Palpatine: "If I may say so, your Majesty, the Chancellor ha-"
Wait I gotta get this straight here, hold on; so.. - at this point the Queen in the middle.. that's wearing black is the decoy; but the real Queen.. is Padme who's in the orange - right? Ok...
So the handmaiden decoy then.. orders the Queen, to go clean the droid?!
[????????] "Clean this droid up as best you can - it deserves our gratitude." [??????????]
Did Amidalan ask to be sent off on a menial task prior to this so she could have a scene where she meets Jar Jar Binks? You'd think the real Queen would wanna hang out in the throne room area to stay current on any updates about what's going on?
And why did they even bring a dirty droid up to the Queen? Did they really think that a member of royalty was gonna care that a droid fixed something and then personally thank it?
So maybe the Queen and the handmaiden, it's like a little game that they play - you know?
"When I'm the Queen... I'm gonna have YOU go clean toilets - heeeeheeheehehee!!"
"When I'm the Queen, I'm gonna have you die for me in a horrible explosion!"
Oh, wait... - that happened, I'm so sorr-
Number 8: I'm gonna slit my wrists
[Sigh...] It's hard to stomach any more of this shit - I still don't know who the main character is and why we should care about any of this.
At around this point in the original Star Wars movie, we've been with Luke almost the whole time getting to know him.
We see his plight;
his hopes and dreams;
we feel his frustration;
and then his sadness.
The slow build-up added depth, and emotion; and anticipation for the story to expand.
In the Phantom Menace we have nothing - we've a monotone queen, who's hiding from signing a treaty that's supposed to do something.
Why in fuck's name should we care at all.. I don't care about any of these characters?
And to top that we constantly have to question every single action that's taken by Qui-Gon - the "wise" Jedi.
Almost every single line of dialogue makes no sense:
Qui-Gon: "We don't want to attract attention."
If you're trying to avoid drawing attention to yourself, then why are you taking Jar Jar Binks into the city with you? Leave him on the ship!
[Jar Jar having trouble with the droid; sound from that scene continues for a few seconds, while the image cuts to earlier scene with Qui-Gon talking to Watto in the shop - with Jar Jar in the frame] "My droid has a readout of what I need."
You say you took R2-D2 because he has the specs on the type of part you need? - but yet Watto seems to know what you're talking about, and you have a thingy that shows it - R2 is never used for that purpose and does nothing at all.
The two most effective, clear-minded, logical guys stay on the ship and wait, while the clumsy idiot; the slow-moving droid; a vulnerable attractive young woman, and a drunk [Qui-Gon's pissed off smile at Watto] go wandering around the dangerous city;
these two guys probably woulda had the part by now...
Spielberg: "That's great.."
Lucas: "It's gonna be great."
Spielberg: "That's gonna be great."
Lucas: "It's gonna be great."
Spielberg: "That's gonna be great"
"Corooskent?"
"Cut; let's try it again."
"ORIGINAL UPLOAD DATE: December 10, 2009"
P5 of 7
"Part 5 focuses on the real "Phantom Menace" which is Qui-gon Jinn. His character makes no sense as do his actions. I also focus on Anakin Skywalker and how that character sucks too."
Number 9: If I get a brain aneurysm as the result of this review, can I hold the filmmakers respons-
At this point I realized who the Phantom Menace is... [Sidious hologram sitting at the table]
no, it's not "Jorge"; it's Qui-Gon Jinn.
His character is totally baffling to me and I do not know why he's in this movie.
If you ask me - Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi should have been combined to form a new character - called Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Obi-Wan should've been the younger, eager, adventurous Jedi, - who found Anakin, formed a bond with him, and then really wanted to train him in the Jedi arts when Yoda told him no.
Instead Obi-Wan, who seemed totally irritated with Anakin the whole movie? - suddenly wants to train him at the end, only because Qui-Gon said to.
Obi-Wan: "I gave Qui-Gon my word."
If they did have to have Qui-Gon, they shoulda had him on the ship, just like meditating the whole movie, saying very little and,.. and just being wise.
Then when Qui-Gon dies, Obi-Wan is left to move on without an older, wiser voice of reason - thus setting the stage for a poorly trained Anakin.
Lucas: "Again, it's like poetry, it's so that they rhyme."
Yeah George, that's true - but the only thing poetic here is that I was vomiting in stanzas; I don't even know what that means.
So for no reason, Obi-Wan is the one who does not want to defy the Council;
he's not a risk taker, and he complains all the time like a woman. "We could be stuck here a very long time."
Then the older, wiser Jedi is the opposite of what he should be. Let's break down Qui-Gon - all the way to his Midichlorians.
Number 1: He has very questionable moral values.
Qui-Gon Jinn repeatedly uses his Jedi mind trick to his advantage;
whether it's to get Boss Nass to give him a Bongo: "Wesa give yousa una Bongo." - which they completely trash...
to use worthless money to scam Watto out of his ship parts; "Credits will do fine."
or to fix a legitimate bet to his advantage.
It's generally wrong to do these things - wouldn't you say?
You can argue that the ends justify the means? - but if that's the case, then why didn't Qui-Gon just steal the part from Watto? He could sneak in in the middle of the night, and just take the part.
Or.... take it by force. And I don't mean that kind of "force", I mean choke Watto while Padme grabs the part and they run out of the shop.
Basically it's the same as trying to trick him into accepting a worthless currency for the part - in the end, Watto's just out of the part?
This also leads me to believe that Qui-Gon Jinn is incredibly stupid.
He coulda just went to another junk dealer and used his Jedi mind trick to swap out the Republic Credits for money that Watto would take.
In fact, when they arrive in town he says: "We'll try one of the smaller dealers."
"Smaller dealers"… well that implies there's larger ones.
Watto tells him he's the only guy in town who's got the part: "And no one ELSE has a T-14 Hyperdrive, I promise you that-uh!"
Well either Watto is using an older than dirt sales tactic - or Qui-Gon can really pick out which shop to go to randomly.
Oh, wait... I guess Midichlorians told him where to go so that he could find the boy… oh it was destiny or something..
Hey here's another idea! Why don't you trade the Naboo cruiser for a less fancy, but functional ship?
Or maybe hire a transport? Pay them all the money you have now and then promise more when you get to Coruscant; sound familiar? Someone who's like a.. uh.. a transport ship captain or a smuggler would have use for Republic Credits, cause they travel around the galaxy - probably go to other space ports? You know… makes sense.
But instead of using like the most common... sense.. approach to everything? - Qui-Gon.. concocts some kinda convoluted scheme, so that we could get to the podrace. I honestly still don't understand it.
Qui-Gon: "My ship will be the entry fee."
Watto: "What woulda the boy ride-uh? He smashed up-a my pod in the last race!"
Qui-Gon: "Well I have acquired a pod in a game of chance." [Lie]
Watto: "So - you supply the pod, and the entry fee,..."
Qui-Gon: "If it's going to be 50-50, I suggest you front the cash for the entry."
Watto: "I supply the boy; we splita the winnings, uhmm... 50-50 I think, huh?"
Qui-Gon: "You keep all the winnings, minus the cost to the parts I need..."
Watto: "So - you supply the pod..."
Qui-Gon: "-f we lose - you keep my ship;"
Who was betting what?
Then it gets more complicated later - when the bet changes:
Qui-Gon: "I'll take that bet." "I'll wager my new racing pod against, say..."
[edited in from a later line] Watto: "Well-uh?.."
Qui-Gon: "The boy and his mother."
Watto: "NO pod is worth TWO slaves!"
Qui-Gon: "The boy then."
Watto: "..." [reaction to the dice result]
So.. Anakin built the pod... - but... Watto didn't know that he'd built the pod, so that-
He already raced with Watto's pod, so thennnn... Anakin tells Qui-..
If Watto wins,-
Anakin tells Qui-Gon to pretend that... it's his pod-
And Watto says I'm gonna put up the... entry fee, if you... uh.. let me use your po-
If they win, then... the boy.. gets the- they get the money, for the part, but if they lose, then.. Watto keeps... the pod, and, the bo-
Qui-Gon- would have to pay back the,.. Republic Credits- oh wait, no he bet, he bet the ship, [parallel voices start fading in] he bet the ship... and then, if he loses the podrace then Watto gets.. the ship in exchange for putting up the... entry fee
If Qui-Gon wins then.. he gets the... prize money- But then later on they throw.. the boy actually into the deal- vs. the ship vs. the pod, [...entry fee...] and, um, for mom in the bet, so, then,-... uh-
...If Watto wins….
I dunno..
If-, if Qui-Go-
Watto: "I losta everything-uh!"
Qui-Gon: "Whenever you gamble my friend, eventually you lose."
Number 10: Anakin Skywalker
No one likes little kids; especially ones that can't act.
"Corooskent??"
"Cut. Let's try it again."
"I'm a person, and my name is Anakin!"
It's a kiss of death for your movie.
"I've been wondering - what are Midichlorians?"
The way they have it is that Anakand his Mom live in a comfy little hut - and if they leave there is a bomb in their brain.
"Any attempt to escape..."
"And it blow you up - boom!"
I think that's the worst plot device ever shoved into a movie for convenience.
What purpose did.. Shmi Skywalker serve to Watto? What she'd-.. she'd cleaned her own dishes?
Oh, and then let's move on to this - what about the idea that Anakin is the one who built C-3PO?
[record scratch] [one of the metal things hanging above 3PO has the same shape as a real-life yellow plastic ball sports toy thing]
[crickets] Wait!.. .... oh.
This is wrong for so many reasons… I'm gonna list 3 of them.
So the idea is that Anakin built C-3PO to help his mom around the house - "He's a protocol droid, to help Mom.";
but a protocol droid is typically used for.. etiquette and protocol. "I suppose you're programmed for etiquette and protocol."
They're basically like robot diplomats; and not really very handy technically.
C-3PO [Ep1]: "Hello - I am C-3PO, human-cyborg relations."
Says he's human-cyborg relations; HE DOESN'T SAY HE CLEANS DISHES.
C-3PO is clumsy, awkward, and useless - unless you need someone to translate a language.
C-3PO [Ep]): "I'm not much more than an interpreter."
Plus his arms don't even bend. What the fuck is he supposed to help the mom with?
A vacuum would've been a better thing to build...
Or maybe a vibrator. As it seems like the only action Shmi was getting was with the Force... Hey maybe that's why they call it "the Force".
Ha; rape jokes - I love 'em!
Also - if you're a little boy with a knack for building things with spare parts - then why would you build the exact same droid that seems to have been mass produced by a manufacturing plant somewhere? Wouldn't you build some kinda unique robot from your own imagination?
And to add to that - Watto already owned a protocol droid… it's laying there in the garbage dump. Why not just fix that one??
Oh we're still on this planet are we?
So Qui-Gon manages to pull off the most convoluted bet ever, and somehow wins everything except for Anakin's mother.
Even at the end of the movie when they save the day and probably could get the cash to buy the mom from Watto - they don't go back for ten years.
Number 10: On to Planet Number 3. Is it time for death yet?
[sun setting on the city between Anakin's Council test and 3rd Amidala-Palpstine scene] Welcome to Coruscant - home of the mid-air collision; and BORING SCENES.
[1st indoor Palpatine scene - excerpt starts with Palpatine filling the frame in front of Amidala] So the Queen waits around for some kind of approval, o-.. for something, [Theed invasion wide shot] to stop her people from dying- [Amidala talks to Anakin before the Senate session] Why are they dying? [Amidala turns around as Palpatine and Panaka enter] I guess they're dying though...
But I didn't see anyone die?
In fact I haven't even seen any Naboo citizen at all - as far as I know it's a city with 20 or so pilots, a couple of bureaucrats and officials. []
So then the Queen gets impatient, she asks for a vote of no confidence, and then decides to go back to Naboo to fight a huge invasion force alone.
Then the Jedi Council tells Qui-Gon that he cannot start training Anakin, but he does it anyways.
"I'm not allowed to train you - so I want you to watch me, and be mindful."
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon both talk about how Anakin is dangerous - when he's standing right there?
Obi-Wan: "The boy is dangerous! They all sense it, why can't you?"
Oh god.. I hope he didn't hear that… d'you think,, he heared that?..
So then George Lucas completely and utterly finally ruins Star Wars forever, by having Qui-Gon explain that the Force is microscopic organisms.
Qui-Gon: "Midichlorians are microscopic a lifeform that resides within all living cells."
Or.. that, microscopic organisms.. in our cells... tell us, about the Force…. or something.
This entire idea, and why this is in the movie, is so baffling to me, that I cannot even wrap my mind around it.
It was never even explored or mentioned in the following two films.
I can really only sum it up with one visual image: [A middle finger]
Finullehl we come to lthstupid ending - where again nothing makes sense.
After hours of boring,
passionless,
inhuman,
robot-like,
sleep inducing dialogue - Jar Jar Binks screams in excitement that he's going home.
"Wesa going hoooooooome!!!"
"Come on, R2."
This was actually the most shocking part of the whole movie - because at this point you forgot you were a human being?
Oh…. that's right... I'm-.. still alive... - and I'm watching a movie I guess. Wait - did something happen??
CONTINUED IN PART SIX...
"ORIGINAL UPLOAD DATE: December 10, 2009"
P6 of 7
"Things that don't make sense at the ending and an analysis of light saber duels. Enjoy! Part 7 will be out soon..."
Number 11: Please, God - make it stop. Make it end.
Shazam!, the silver spaceship flies back to Naboo.
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan go back as well for no reason, and they bring the little kid to a war zone for no reason.
But really what's curious about this, is that no other Jedi come back with them - even though there might be a Sith there.
Mace Windu: "We will use all our resources to unravel this mystery - we will discover the identity of your attacker."
Mace Windu: "Go with the Queen to Naboo and discover the identity of this dark warrior."
Oh... - I thought you were gonna work on that.
There's much more important work for the other 500 Jedis here; meh - all the Jedis will just sit here and see who gets elected Chancellor I guess.
So then they start to approach the planet.
Oh wait.. something's missing; hey Bob - hit the music!
[]
What?..
Noo, not that one? The other one - the other song!
[]
Yeah, that's it...
So everyone waits until they arrive at Naboo to start discussing how they have no plans at all, and no idea what they're doing.
Qui-Gon: "I'm not sure what you wish to accomplish by this."
Panaka: "We have no army!"
Qui-Gon: "I can't fight a war for you."
All of a sudden the whole blockade is gone, too, and there's just one ship. Where'd they go? That's convenient...
Qui-Gon: "The Gungans will not be easily swayed; and we cannot use our power to help her."
Gee, you didn't have any problem doing it before, asshole...
So then they make a plan: the Gungans act as robot bait, so that the Queen can sneak into the palace and capture the Viceroy, while the fighters attack the droid control ship.
So what happens again when they capture the Viceroy?
Padme: "Without the Viceroy, they will be lost and confused."
Star Trek guy: "Um.. excuse me? Hi.
How do you know for sure that the robots will be lost and confused without the Viceroy [Qui-Gon reaction shot]? I mean, just by physically capturing him doesn't mean that all the robots will know that he was captured, right? I mean i-.. it just kinda seems like you're making up a bunch of BS right now.
[Panaka, Qui-Gon reaction shots] Hey, maybe they're programmed to just keep doing what they're doing regardless - until they receive more orders?
Hey, maybe everyone should focus their efforts on taking out the droid control ship FIRST? Then you could skip the other two dangerous parts - [Anakin close-up reaction shot] and you could just like, walk up to the Viceroy and capture him.
Who's in charge here? [Obi-Wan reaction shot] A-.. a-.. what's this all about again? [Panaka and Padme stare at Star Trek guy] Why are we all listening to this 14 year old girl with no military experience? A-.. and I thought serving under Picard was dangerous!" [Data getting blasted by flesh-melting gas]
Get back in the Star Trek reviews.
Qui-Gon: "There is a possibility, with this diversion, many Gungans will be killed."
Hey wait, "Gungans"?.. I thought they were called "Gungas"!
Lucas with Spielberg: "They all.. join forces and everything, and the Goongas... battle the droids, and th-"
Qui-Gon: "Gungans will-"
Lucas: "Goongas"
Qui-Gon: "Gungans will-"
Lucas: "Goongas"
Umm... what's happening in this movie?
Gunray: "We are sending all troops to meet this army assembling near the swamp."
Why would you meet THEM? Why not just ignore 'em? You have a fortified position, can't you see an obvious ploy to draw away your protection?
Sidious: "This will work to our advantage."
How exactly will it work to your advantage? The Galactic Senate doesn't even know what's happening here. What does it matter?
Qui-Gon to Anakin: "Once we get inside, you'll find a safe place to hide and stay there."
Oh Christ, you brought the kid here too?! Hey, here's a safe place to hide: not in the city.
Gunray: "I thought the battle was going to take place far from here!"
Hey idiots, it was a diversion - I tried to warn you.
So then the stupid kid sits in the cockpit of a ship.
Gee - what a great place to hide. I wonder what's gonna happen next....
Panaka: "The difficulty's getting into the throne room; once we're inside, we shouldn't have a problem."
If the Viceroy was smart, he'd be in a location you would not expect to find him? But since he's clearly a complete idiot, then yeah; yeah, he's probably in the throne room; let's go with that.
[Anakin pushing the start button] "... trigger is!"
Awww he's accidently flying the spaceship, how cute. I hope he fucking dies...
Wait - why is there a child-sized helmet and goggles in the cockpit?
Stunted Slime: "Nothing can get through our shield!"
Nothing except for the kid in the space ship can get through your shields.
Then a bad guy shows up - and he wants to fight the Jedis; cause he.. wears black robes.
"IIII'm gonna get yooouuu, you guys're going doooown" - and the Jedis say noooo... you're going down, idiot-
Oh, and then they go from the palace to this room, what is this room? Is this in the palace??
I mean I know George wanted the Jedis to fight in a cool place that's really Star Warsy? - so.. so what this is like a power generator? What does it power, the Universe??
So you're expecting me to believe that the people that built this technological wonder were dying without space supplies for 2 days??
So I have another question, if the Sith have been extinct for a millennium - and only Jedis use lightsabers: "I saw your laser sword - only Jedis carry that kinda weapon." - then why are the Jedis so darned experienced at sword fighting?
So at the start of the film we see that Jedis can run at a superfast speed when the screenwriter doesn't know how to get them out of a situation where a powerful droid is shooting lasers at them? - but we never see the Jedis run fast again.
Maybe there never really was a need to run fast again;
[Obi-Wan gets stopped by the forcefield]
Oh... yeah; that would have been a good time...
Sidious: "Wipe them out - all of them."
If the orders were to wipe them out, all of them - then why are they taking prisoners?
Amidala: "I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war."
[Gungan battle, palace shootout]
[throneroom shootout]
Yeah you're such a peaceful people that you keep guns in the armrests of your throne - yeah, peaceful and paranoid?
Anakin: "Now this, is podracing!"
No, no, this isn't podracing, that was on Tatooine - you're in a spaceship n- oh, wait. Ohhh, oh - he was doing like a thing..-
Number 12: Obi-Wan gets mad - and then I do
So we're back to the three guys we know nothing about, fighting each other in a scene we have no interest in.
Their flawless choreography lacks all humanity and emotion.
But then something happens: Qui-Gon dies - and Obi-Wan is pissed.
Hey.. - hey maybe this will finally get good... Maybe I'll get emotionally involved.
You see Obi-Wan is pumped - he really wants to kick this guy's ass. - and then,.. BAM! ohhh... that's right back to the highly choreographed fighting..
It's like all this was planned out ahead of time. [Ewan practicing the fight in '97]
Hey remember when Luke Skywalker got really pissed and snapped when Vader was taunting him? Remember how worked up, and emotional he got? He just started wailing on Vader. There was no grace, or complex choreography - he was just pounding him into submission; filled with rage.
When you're worked up with emotion you begin to lose your composure and control - you expose your humanity a little.
Obi-Wan should have done that just a bit?… I guess that's the director's fault, huh?
In Empire there's also very little complex choreography.
Luke is just barely keeping up in his fight with Vader. Vader's just basically toying around with him, he could totally kick his ass at any moment, but he holds back.
You see this was their first duel. There's a lot going on between the two characters, outside the fact that they're swinging swords at each other.
There was even a lot more going on at the end of Jedi - Luke was realizing he was kind of becoming his father and... and taking his place; the Emperor was proving a point that hate and anger can be a powerful ally.
You got things like temptation... anger... revelation... defiance... sacrifice... and redemption.
What's happening at the end of Phantom Menace? Three guys we don't care about are fighting each other over… something.
I gotta really stress this point that lightsaber duels have less to do with the fight itself - but more so with the internalization of the characters.
So if you've ever said that the duel at the end of A New Hope was the worst one cause it had bad fight choreography? - it was like a.. old guy, an-.. and a guy in a mask, who couldn't see what he was doing, so they were just kinda like, awkwardly hitting them with swords well then I'm afraid you've missed the point ENTIRELY.
It's really about moments like this: [Obi-Wan sacrificing himself] - ...not this: [Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan swordfighting with Darth Maul].
It's more about this: [Darth Vader: "I am your father."] - and... not this: [Obi-Wan swordfighting with Dooku].
And,... more.. about.. this?: [Emperor: "Fulfill your destiny!"; Luke comes to a realization] - and... not so much about.. this: [Grievous spinning his lightsabers at Obi-Wan].
And you might be thinking that the duel between Anakin and Obi-Wan had some kind of depth to it because they were former friends? - and while it's true that this indeed had a little more going on than... nothing: [Phantom Menace duel], and…. even more nothing: [Attack of the Clones duel], this duel didn't need to be 45 minutes long.
The ultimate point of everything was that Obi-Wan defeats Anakin; having them fight in the most ridiculous of places, only to wind up on a tiny hill at the end, was over-indulging. This fight coulda lasted three minutes in one location and still have the same impact in the story.
The whole thing ends up going on so long, that it actually becomes boring - despite the amazing visual effects.
The ultimate irony is that this fight between the same characters years later [Ep4 duel] - is much more interesting than this one [Revenge of the Sith duel].
You see we need a deeper meaning to things... without it - none of it really matters, does it?
Lucas: "Special effects are just a tool - a means of telling a story. People have the tendency to confuse them as an end in themselves;
uhh... a special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing."
You said it brother… wait, you said that?!
"ORIGINAL UPLOAD DATE: December 10, 2009"
P7 of 7
"The circle is now complete..."
Number 13: The Ending Multiplication Effect
Since the first Star Wars movie, the endings have been getting more and more complicated - culminating with Episode 1. After that they toned it down cause I think they realized how awful it was? But.. - let me break it down here:
A New Hope: The story is flawlessly built up to the final conclusion: stop the Death Star before it blows up the planet.
The Empire Strikes Back: All story points converge at Cloud City: Luke has his first confrontation with Vader; and Leia and friends try to escape.
Return of the Jedi: Luke confronts the Emperor; there's a battle on Endor to destroy the shield generator; and the Rebel fleet attacks the Death Star - now you got three stories going on at once.
Finally we get to...
The Phantom Menace: Gungans fight the droid army; Queen Amidamnun.. storms the palace to get the Viceroy; Anakin and Naboo pilots attack the droid control ship; and Jedis lightsaber fight in the Theed power room.
So now you got four...
This was one of the major mistakes made in Episode 1 - ironically the simplest endings from the first two movies, with the least locations and events are vastly more interesting because the plot is built up to them and we can focus on the one thing.
After the rough cut screening of the movie for the first time - everyone in attendance looks just as baffled at the clusterfuck as we were.
George admits to throwing too much out there:
George: "I may have gone too far in a few places."
Uhmm…. yeah?
The editor then attempts to explain pacing, and why 4 scenes with totally different emotional tones, don't work well together.
Ben Burtt: "In a space of about 90 seconds, you know you go from... lamenting the death of.. you know, a hero - to.... escape - to... slightly comedic with Jar Jar; you know - to... Anakin returning, with-…" But he kinda realizes he's wasting his time, so he stops...
Rick McCallum is frozen in utter shock at how horrible the movie was; internally he regrets not challenging Lucas on some of the things he was worried about.
Lucas then realizes that he can't remove major segments of the movie in editing, because they're intertwined.
George: "I mean I've thought about this quite a bit, and, the tricky part is, you almost can't.. take any of those pieces out of there now - cause each one kinda... takes you to the next place, and you can't, you can't.. jump"
Hey it's too late now.?
Later on after everybody's started drinking, Lucas attempts to explain his newly minted bowel movement as... "bold"; and "EXTREME", stylistic.
George: "It's stylistically designed to be that way and you can't undo that, - but we can diminish the effects of it." [??????????]
No one looks like they know what's going on - and they all look like they're about to start pointing fingers;
but that's just my interpretation of this footage. I wasn't there...
So now we get to the ending. [celebrating public]
[funeral pyre] They burn Qui-Gon's body, [celebrating public] they-.. they celebrate,... [Yoda] Yodan.. Yoda's-
There's like a Indian chick there, and um... there's another thing that looks like Yoda.. but it kinda looks like a midget?
And then later on, or,.. or, earlier or something, Yoda and,.. and Obi-Wan are talking in the castle - and-.. and Yoda says
"Grave danger I fear in his training!"
Obi-Wan: "I gave Qui-Gon my word."
Ohhhh... you gave Qui-Gon your word. I suppose it's better to rely on that than rather the whole prediction of "GRAVE DANGER"?
So it seems like the Jedi Council reluctantly agrees to let Obi-Wan train the boy for no real reason.
Hey remember, this is not like some kinda boardroom of company executives making a decision about applesauce packaging? - these are Jedi Masters, whose entire existence is solely based on the Force; feelings; premonition; and prophecy. When they ALL feel weirded out, and predict grave danger - you'd think they of all people would follow their own instincts;
but instead, for no reason at all, they allow the training.
Yoda: "Agree with you the Council does - your apprentice Skywalker will be."
Hey maybe you shoulda just said no!
Yoda's supposed to be really wise, right?
"Fear leads to anger - anger leads to hate - hate... leads to suffering." Wait - what did he just say?
Maybe he isn't that wise, cause that don't make a lick o' sense.
Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering... Can't anger lead to fear - and fear lead to suffering - and then suffering lead to hate?
You see, when you have three totally interchangeable emotional states, they can't really be arranged in a certain pattern of logic.
Let me share you some REAL wisdom with you: Chicken leads to egg. Egg leads to omelette. Omelette leads to fecal urgency.
Number 14: The Aftermath
The Phantom Menace is now the greatest example of cinematic blue balls in the history of motion pictures - and I ain't talking about the kind the Gungans had.
Lucas: "Goongas."
Never again will anything be more wildly anticipated - or a bigger disappointment.
So who dropped the ball? Well - I guess you could say it was everyone involved in the production; mainly the producers, and those higher up on the food chain.
Sure, it's easy to blame George for the script and.. doing... everything wrong; - but those people who didn't challenge Lucas on some of the questionable ideas, they also carry some blame.
To quote Gary Kurtz: "I Think one of the problems… is the fact that he (Lucas) doesn't have more people around him who really challenge him."
You can really see this in the "Behind the Scenes" videos - people look scared around George. They laugh at his bad jokes:
George: "They're listening to the music." [Everyone laughs]
When he comes into a room, there's like, silence,.. and.. fear... terror...;
every so often you'll catch some looks of confusion and mistrust. You gotta wonder what some of these people were thinking..
Now again I must stress, I wasn't there, and I can't pretend to know all the goings on behind the scenes - but it all seems pretty obvious if you think about it?:
Lucas has always been a rogue filmmaker who hated the studio system. He always seemed to want total control on his projects, which I can understand.
And while a director should have control on the project - filmmaking should also be a collaborative process:
A second screenwriter can help focus the story and the dialogue;
actors are creative people too! They can provide valuable insight on the characters - and a lot of really good ideas.
Leia: "I love you!"
Han: "I know."
And a good executive producer can be the voice of reason when things start to get outta hand.
I think all this can be summed up with the expression: "Art from Adversity".
The original Star Wars was plagued with problems. Nothing worked right; things were rushed I guess, but it ended up being a great movie.
When you can make a movie entirely in a computer - and then shoot everything against a bluescreen, in some kind of sterile laboratory - well some of the magic is lost.
"When Obi-Wan is walking around in Kamino, George showed him concept paintings of, ok, now you're walking down a hallway and you're looking, you're seeing... the cloning facilities, but there was nothing for him to see."
[Mace Windu runs out of the ship into the desert, bluesceen --> final footage] It ends up all looking so clean, and sterile, and it- and it lacks humanity. It lacks grit. [Luke and Ben sitting in the desert]
The Phantom Menace also makes you wonder: with total control on every aspect of the film from the writing, to directing, to casting, etc., - this was the result?!
Then when you hear tales about how Luke was supposed to be a 65 year old man with a robot head; Han Solo was supposed to be like a frog...; and C-3PO was like a slimy, used car salesman type: "C-3PO might sound like a used car salesman" - you have to just wonder, what if? What if Lucas had the kinda control back then he has today?
Now I ain't gonna say much more here; I don't know all the facts.
Now I haven't really discussed yet, what I've found to be the most odd and out-of-place scene in the whole movie:
When we first go into Watto's shop - and Jar Jar is messing around with the junk in the background? There's a part where things slow down?.. - and then a talking pizza roll appears, and starts talking directly to the audience?
I-.. it says to "butcher your wife in the bathtub"?
"Hellaaaw? You know what to do...
Use the meat cleaver - and swing hard to break the bone... []
Put the body in the dumpster; and be careful not to get any blood on the carpet - cause it doesn't wash out-"
I found this scene to be really out of place, and not make a whole lotta sense in the context of the movie? I'm not sure what Lucas was going for here? - but considering some of the other scenes in the film, I guess it made sense?..
Now I'd like to discuss further-
[]
"Plinkett! Plinkett, open up! We have a warrant for your arrest!"
It's the Feds, hold on...
"Break down the door."
Oh god, they're breaking down the door... Hold on I gotta get my gats.
[]
Stay back, coppers, I'm packing heat!
"Drop the weapon. Drop the weapon!"
"Fire. Return fire!"
Eat that.
"..... back-up ..... back-up, we have an officer down. We have an officer down."
EAT THAT, COMMIES...
?Eat that.?
Get out of my house! Get out of my creepy house.
Don't go in my basement either.
Ahh, I've been hit!-
THE END?
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Plinkett: EpII
(modified r/redlettermedia transcript)
"ORIGINAL UPLOAD DATE: July 8, 2010"
P1 of 9 "[COLOR=var(--yt-endpoint-color,var(--yt-spec-call-to-action))]http://www.redlettermedia.com[/COLOR] - Here it is folks! Finally! My epic review of Star Wars: Episode 2 Attack of the Clones. Part review satire, part parody, part commentary, all prequel hating vitriolic comedy. This transformative work delves into this film in detail as well as more general topics about why the prequels didn't quite "work" for most audiences. Part one is an overview about expectations and how the audience is left in the dark to fend for themselves as far as figuring out what's happening in the movie."
P1 of 3
"Mr. Plinkett's epic Attack of the Clones review! Now split into three parts instead of 8 or 9 or whatever and with no audio drift issues!"
"Star Wars - Episode 2: Attack of the Clones" is the worst thing ever made by a human; except for the bagpipes. []
Why is it so bad, you ask? Well it'll take a little while to explain, because basically the answer involves every single thing in the film - except for Natalie Portman's midrift...; and that lady. []
But what I can say for sure, is that everyone of you out there, at one point before watching this movie said to yourself: "Well, the Phantom Menace was awful - but maybe this one will better."
You attempted to rationalize it, by telling yourself that at least this time there wasn't gonna be a little kid;
Obi-Wan was in it more...; and so was Boba Fett. And you think you might have even saw a Stormtrooper.
[Obi-Wan and Anakin in the speeder] So hopes were high that Star Wars could be saved - and maybe we'd all just look back [Boss Nass] on The Phantom Menace as being [Anakin close-up during the Naboo briefing] that really bad one.
[Yoda and Mace in the Senate] But what you didn't realize is how fucking wrong you were! And you couldn't have possibly imagined that even with all the cool Star Warsy stuff? - that Attack of the Clones could actually be WORSE than The Phantom Menace; that it could be the worst thing since bagpipes. []
It was at that moment when you left the theater, that you learned to never trust your own judgment again - to live the rest of your life plagued with doubt, and mistrust of everything; and everyone. You didn't realize that the nightmare of your own life had just begun.
Well - don't worry; I'm here to help. I'm here to bring closure to everyone - so we can all move on. Let's jump in, shall we?
"I hate it when he does that."
Yeah - I bet you do asshole...
Number 1: Everything
Almost everything in this movie is wrong - so I don't even know where to start...
The only way to really describe it was to imagine that someone has dumped out 5 separate puzzles into a pile on the floor; mixed em all up; - and told you to put 'em all back together in 1 hour - or they were gonna stuff you into an old fridge filled with flesh-eating cockroaches.
"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US???!!"
"59 minutes!!"
"[...]"
You know if you stand back and look at this movie as a whole, it just comes off to the viewer as some kind of assembly line production - devoid of any emotional involvement by anyone; [crewmember going through numbers]
a film that coldly exploits the works of craftsmen and artists in a sterile, computer controlled environment; resulting in a series of colorful, crisp images that are played in a sequence.
I do understand that big movies like this are basically a business? However, I would say that most movies – not all! [Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen] – but most movies come from some kinda creative spark somewhere. "Aaaaa-"
With the Star Wars prequels I'm just not sure why they were even made...
"Aand - action!"
It's apparent that Lucas rushed out the scripts on a legal pad in one draft a few months before they started shooting, without really thinking things through?;
and he didn't even seem to care about anything except for trying to [Geonosis battle] shove in as many things as he could make into toys or video games as possible.
In the first trilogy – until you got to the Ewoks of course, all the toys seemed to be a by-product of the movie; there was a charming simplicity to it all. Now everything sucks… []
So do the Prequels basically expose Lucas as being a shallow, emotionless businessman? I'll let you decide…. But the answer's yes.
vvvv------done------vvvv
Number 2: The audience is expected to accept too many things that we are, and are not told.
So this movie, like the last one, still doesn't have a main character; instead now it's got two: Anakin and Obi-Wan. [elevator scene: "You seem a little on edge." "Not at all."]
And I'm still not sure which one we're supposed to relate to.
I would think people could relate more to Obi-Wan ["Curious."], [sitting in cockpit on Geonosis] cause he's basically a good guy who doesn't murder people [Anakin killing sandpeople]? ["Dreams pass in time."] But at the same time he's also very distant, cause he's like a weird monk without any personality. "What?!"
So take your pick, idiots... [elevator scene: amusedly shakes head at Anakin's nervousness]
["You're using her as bait..."] Doesn't really matter at this point, does it?
Anakin's no longer an 8 year old and is basically a whole new character at this point, because it's been so long since we've seen him.
And we barely knew Obi-Wan in the first place cause he didn't do anything in the last movie. ["The Queen's wardrobe maybe, but"]
So they might as well just started the entire prequel saga here - I mean why NOT? Qui-Gon died; and Anakin and Padme just kinda met each other? [meeting in Watto's shop]
So then we're given 60 seconds in an elevator to establish that Obi-Wan and Anakin are friends;
and please notice, how this is not accomplished by how they act as friends [[laughing] "You're sweating - relax. Take a deep breath."] - but rather it's by them recounting things that happened in the past; things we never see. Something about, "falling into a nest of Gundarks"..
"I haven't felt you this tense since.. since we fell into that nest of Gundarks!"
["You fell into that nightmare, Master - and I rescued you, remember?" "Oh.... yes."] Now this may seem trivial - but it establishes an important precedence in the way these films are written: We don't see, or feel characters or connections with each other, we have to be told about them.
With Luke and Han Solo we see their friendship grow.
At first they don't really like each other - then they save each other's asses a few times; they go through some rough patches together; and then they grow and change like real people.
So when old Obi-Wan says: "And he was a good friend." - you get a sense that it was like a real friendship; [Anakin and Obi-Wan at the Council] but it never seems to have been because Obi-Wan still seems irritated with this brat:
"His abilities have made him.. well - arrogant."
"And you will pay attention to my lead." "Why?" "What?!"
And THIS is the height of their friendship?
All Anakin does is complain about Obi-Wan behind his back, too.
"He's overly critical... he never listens"
"It's all Obi-Wan's fault!"
"If Master Obi-Wan caught me doing this, he'd be very grumpy."
"The boy is dangerous!"
"He's JEALOUS!"
"And he was a good friend." [record scratch]
……………
[Anakin sits down in the Council, looks over to Obi-Wan][Obi-Wan shakes head at him]
So after we're told that Obi-Wan and Anakin are friends based on all the events that happened that we didn't get to see - we're then expected to know a few things without being told them;
two very integral components of the film: Intergalactic Space Politics; and The Jedi.
Now let's talk about what we DO know.
We know that the Jedi are a Order of Knights that live in a Temple on Coruscant;
then the Galactic Senate is a big collection of representatives from thousands of systems that all meet in a big mushroom and vote on things - a large, corrupt, and impotent United Nations in space. I'll explain the impotence later.
"That's what heeeeeeeee saaaaaaaaaid!"
Hey!... Hey you can't do that? Only guys can do that...
So it really is kind of amazing how inept and corrupt this space democracy is; it's quite shocking how they can't put something so big, to good use. I guess size really DOESN'T matter...
But this topic is a little too tight right now - I'll get deeper into that later.
Hm-khm...
I'll get deeper... into that later.
[]
Ohhhh....
So here's a couple things that no one understands at all:
Apparently anyone can replace a Senator [Padme talking to Jar Jar]; pose as a Senator [Cordé]; and propose sweeping legislation in place of a Senator [Jar Jar] - even a cartoon rabbit that sounds like a retard. "Dellow Felegates."
Apparently Jar Jar did it all on his own without consulting anyone, after being obviously guilted into it:
Mas Amedda: "If only… Senator Amidala, were here." [laughtrack]
Palpatine: "Mm..." [laughtrack intensifies]
[cut to Jar Jar close-up] [laughtrack intensifies even more]
[Sidious] Then all we know about the Sith is that they're bad guys - [Maul] that's pretty much it. Are they all ex-Jedis? [Dooku]
"You refer to the Prophecy of the One who will bring balance to the Force..." [????????]
Then what is this Prophecy about? What does it say? Who wrote it? When? What does bringing balance to the Force mean exactly?
"I don't believe this..."
You see, this is when a fish-out-of-water main character comes in handy - [Ep2 opening: Palpatine and Jedi in office] all those people know this stuff, so they don't talk about it;
but if you throw in a quick scene where a character called a: "Proahtaginist"; has it explained to him - then it's explained to the audience as well.
"Eons ago our ancestors created our Great Frontier."
You see there are very few scenes like this in the prequels [Mace greets Padme] - a scene where somebody, uh... explains what's going on. Like-.. scenes like this:
"For years, all creatures have dreamt of being Star Fighters."
[...re-used props...]
Or like a speech like this - wh-.. where some guy tells us what's- what the fuck's happening.
"Star League justice put down your Xurian cult!"
They tell us who the bad guys are; we see the bad guys do something bad, so we don't like 'em [];..
we get a lotta information, so that we know what's happening.
You see the audience needs to know who we care about; [Obi-Wan spying on Dooku with the Separatist leaders] and we also need to know who our enemies are - and more importantly why. [Dooku with Sidious] If you don't tell us why they're our enemies, and we don't know why, then we don't care!
[...]
"ORIGINAL UPLOAD DATE: July 8, 2010"
P2 of 9 "[COLOR=var(--yt-endpoint-color,var(--yt-spec-call-to-action))]http://www.redlettermedia.com[/COLOR] - PART TWO!!!"
Number 3: The Plot
So with all these complex elements left totally unexplained, George starts throwing the plot at us [opening scene in Palpatine's office] - which is basically the exact same plot as the last film: Palpatine is creating a crisis to get something that he wants ["radical amedment" scene].
And again nothing makes sense. [Dexter]
It starts with an explosion. KABOOMZ! Cause, you know, a movie's gotta start with an explosion, or something that gets the plot going.
Typho: "I guess I was wrong - there was no danger at all." Guess you spoke too soon...
"I failed you, Senator..." How did you fail her - isn't that exactly what you were supposed to do as a decoy? I thought you took that explosion pretty well! Nice work. Fantastic death scene, too... And you managed not too get horribly burned at all. Wait, how did you die?
Wait, Amidala's just a Senator, right? Why does she still have a decoy protecting her? I thought that was just a thing for the Queen...
When Palpatine was a Senator, did he have a decoy? Was there like a similar looking, old man decoy for Palpatine []? [Cordé] Who would volunteer for such a position?
So Count Dooku is rallying star systems to align against the Republic. [Dooku at the Geonosis meeting]
[Padme: "I think that Count Dooku was behind it."] They say Dooku is just a political idealist. Ki-Adi Mundi: "He is a political idealist" Shut up, I'm talking. []
Padme: "I think that Count Dooku was behind it." Whoa / Ohh / Hohhl- hold on little lady - you don't know what you're talking about. [Ki-Adi Mundi: "He is a political idealist - not a murderer."]
Mace Windu: "You know, my lady, Count Dooku was once a Jedi - he couldn't assassinate anyone; it's not in his character."
[Yoda: "But, for certain, Senator -"] So shut your mouth little girl, you don't know what you're talking about; so just shut your face.
But seriously, Yoda's glad you're ok: "Seeing you alive brings warm feelings to my heart." [Padme: "Do you have any idea who was behind this-"] Now get back in the kitchen.
Also, let's not forget that nasty business with Darth Maul a couple years back [duel] - business which apparently no one bothered to follow up on.
You know come to think of it? - if the Jedi had just sent 1, or 2, or... 3, or-.. or 4, or 5, or.... 6, or,.. or 7 Jedis back with them to Naboo - they might have actually captured Darth Maul and figured out who he was working for.
Can you imagine the look on his face when he opened that door, and he's all like: "I'm a fuckin badass!", and then-.. and then he's like, "... Ohhhh…. ... ..uhm… how do you close these doors? Is it.. is it this button? Ok, there it goes.."
Oh God... Why am I even talking about this movie still, someone help me...
You know they make a magic potion that makes you forget about The Phantom Menace when you drink it; it's called Bleach.
Number 4: Love and Marriage
So let's just get right into this - it's been like 10 years since Anakin has seen Padme; and while he was a Jedi in training and she was active in politics, they never once bumped into each other.
Maybe Anakin was spending too much time in Obi-Wan's Outer Rim. [] "Yes" A-.. I mean... [laughs] ..I- I mean in the Outer Rim with Obi-Wan! Oh, boy, that didn't come out right..
"Thaaaat's whaaat heeeeeeeee saaaaaaaaaid!"
Hey, quiet.. that ain't funny? I'manna get you two...
So he knows he's gonna go talk to her now, and he's suddenly really excited ["I haven't seen her in ten years, Master."]. Who wouldn't be... What red-blooded male wouldn't wanna dock his canoe in Natalie's Port, man? [rimshot]
Now all joking aside, why aren't the Jedis allowed to love? Cause we're told they're not allowed to; but it's never really explained. [Ep2 Council scene]
Does anyone get like a creepy vibe from these movies?.. ["Remember Obi-Wan - if the Prophecy is true,"]
I guess it's got something to do with, like.. purging emotions [Mace joins Yoda in the meditation room, as he's sensing the Tusken massacre], to avoid being tempted by the Dark Side, right?
But Obi-Wan, you know, he smiles [meets Dexter], he laughs [in the elevator]...
he gets annoyed; "What?!" "Well, you've lost him."
["Master Sifo-Dyas was killed, almost ten years-"] he enjoys a good sarcastic quip: "Oh, this is going to be easy."
[gets up after checking on a dead Jedi in the arena] Sometimes, he gets really, really pissed off: "You will be expelled from the Jedi Order!!"
So.. so love leads to the Dark Side - but getting fucking pissed doesn't? "Come to your senses!"
I mean the Jedis aren't supposed to be Vulcans, right? Even Vulcans took wives and had sex...
[looks down at the droid factory] So really, the only thing that made Obi-Wan different from like a normal person, was that he didn't express any interest in chicks. "I was beginning to wonder if you'd GOT my message."
Lack of sex can drive men crazy you know...
So when they find out that you got a high Midichlorian count in your bloodstream, I guess your parents give you to the Jedi as a baby to be trained in this creepy, cult-like environment - and you lose all your free will; I guess those parents don't have any emotional attachment to their children either.
You see none of those kids made a personal commitment to follow this rigid lifestyle - you can't make those kinda decisions when you're two? So unless Yoda injected each Jedi with some kind of serum that makes you not interested in the opposite sex - you'd think the Jedi would have major problems when they all hit puberty.
So then Amidalan finally sees Anakin again, and for no reason she's not allowed to love either.
"We can't, it's… just not possible."
What the fuck - she's just a senator, why can't she fucking date a guy?
"I'm a Senator..."
For Christ's sake...
Parents don't love their kids; men don't love women; Mace is unmarried; Palpatine don't got a wife; in fact the only person in the Galaxy who's married is Jimmy Smits.
"My wife and I will take the girl-"
Why is he in this movie? They should've just put Paul Blart Mall Cop in the movie; I mean why not?
Look, I've been through a divorce, too []; and I had some pretty bad relationships []; but really, this is getting kinda creepy don't you think?
Lucas: "They do.. decide to… give in to their emotions, and… ultimately they will suffer all the consequences of that." [record scratch]
And you don't gotta be a sex therapist to figure out what this represents... [Sarlacc Pit].
[Yoda: "Your tragedy on the landing platform - terrible."] Now you can see why people hate these fucking movies - [Padme close-up, looks over to Mace Windu: "That's possible - he's just returned from a border dispute on Ansion."; ] cause the people in them act like weird space aliens and not people.
[; Palpatine: "Do it for me, Milady - please. [Padme close-up] The thought of losing you... [back to Palpatine] ...is-"] Now technically they are weird space aliens - but we can't relate to their fucking weird, sterile, sexless universe.
[Obi-Wan and Mace in the big Temple hallway] They seem as cold, and lifeless, and boring, as the [Mace and Ki-Adi Mundi run out into the desert, bluescreen -> desert background and clonetroopers transition] computer generated world they're projected against.
Simple, real, genuine moments like this: [Han, Luke and Leia hug and celebrate], have been replaced by this: [Neimoidians getting shot at] "Aaaaa-"
[First meeting in Ep2] Eventually though, we are forced to endure the most bizarre; loveless [sand scene]; awkward [Padme wrdtling with Geonosian]; and forced [pre-arena scene] romance in cinematic history... ^^^^------done------^^^^
But I'll get deeper into that business later.
"That's whaat heeeeeee saaaaaaaaiiiid......"
Hey... - cut it out! Look, I said I'll talk about their love later; I just wanted to touch my briefs on this.- ..IIII mean briefly touch on this.
Til' then I'll leave you with the immortal words of Dr. Sigmund Freud: "Sometimes a cigar, is just a giant vagina in the desert that swallows men whole."
vvvv------done------vvvv
Number 5: Send in the Clones
So this movie's called "Attack of the Clones", so I guess we should talk about that shit - and what can laughingly be called the plot.
So Count Dooku has bugs make robots, so that the Republic gets scared [Senate scene] - [the Clones on Kamino] and then wants to make clones to fight the robots that the bugs made;
but, the clones were already being made before the robots were being made by the bugs!
(If you're confused, don't be ashamed; even the writer of the film doesn't understand it!)
So I guess Palpatine's got Doku talking to evil star systems into joining them - including ones led by Count Chocula; Rosie the Robot; and another racist cartoon.
So let's talk about what makes no sense:
If the Galactic Republic is made up of a thousand worlds, then why can't they scrounge up a volunteer army to defend them against the robots?
For no reason, a fat racist cartoon knows about Kamino and the fact that they make clones there - but no one else seems to know about this planet or ever heard of it; even Yoda - who's been alive for 800 years.
..... [Lucas | Dexter]
So Obi-Wan finds the planet where the dart came from - and it belongs to a bounty hunter named Boba Fett who's hanging out there.
He's the guy who's trying to kill Padme;
Padme is the chief Senator opposed to the Military Creation Act;
drawing any connections yet? (PALPATINE'S BEHIND IT ALL!)
Then Obi-Wan sees all the Clones - and discovers that the order to make them was placed under suspicious circumstances; this was like 10 years ago - and, the exact same time that Palpatine was elected Chancellor. (PALPATINE'S BEHIND IT AL-)
So Obi-Wan sends them a message and tells them about the Clones - but Mace Idiot still thinks they're looking for Padme's assassin: "Do you think these Cloners are involved in the plot to assassinate Senator Amidala?!" I think this discovery of the Clone Army is a little more important than who's trying to kill stupid Padme...
(PALPATINE'SBEHINDITALL!)
"Do not assume anything, Obi-Wan." Hey. "Clear your mind must be." Hey idiots...
Obi-Wan: "Did the Council ever authorize the creation of a clone army?"
Mace: "No."
[??????????]
"Only the Dark Lord of the Sith knows of our weakness." [TPM Palpatine peeks out from the corner] You don't have to tell them about your diminished use of the Force? - just tell them that Obi-Wan found the Clones are suspiciously being made already;
and if you think that a Sith is pulling strings in the Senate - just order blood tests done on everyone.
What do I mean by that? Well in Star Trek: Deep Space 9 if they thought somebody was a shapeshifter - they cut open their hand and drip out some blood; and if it didn't change into a shapeshifter then you were a real person.
And it's been established that you can count Midichlorians in someone's blood to see how much Force they got in 'em? They'd find a lotta Midichlorians in Palpatine...
[]
^^^^------done------^^^^
"ORIGINAL UPLOAD DATE: July 8, 2010"
P3 of 9
"[COLOR=var(--yt-endpoint-color,var(--yt-spec-call-to-action))]http://www.redlettermedia.com[/COLOR] - Here is part 3 of my review/critique/anal-sis or Star Wars: Episode 2 Attack of the Clones. Almost this entire sequence deals with the speeder chase sequence where the logic behind everything in the sequence makes absolutely no sense at all and is only there so they could have a speeder chase sequence. This is a reoccurring theme in the SW prequels."
Number 6: Bright Lights, Dumb City
You know, I could spend 10 hours talking about just how incredibly dumb this entire sequence is - but I'm gonna try to do it in 9.
So the plot is that someone's trying to kill Amidala for no reason, and Anakin and Obi-Wan are assigned to protect her.
So she doesn't sleep in an interior bedroom of this building with no window where it would be safer - but rather in a room where the blinds are half-open, and a city of 900 quadrillion people can see her - especially the robot that's there to kill her.
They say they're doing this so she could be bait to catch the assassin: "You're using her as bait!" - but, she turns off any kind of camera surveillance so she could have her privacy: "I don't think she liked me watching her." Is that more important than your life, you dumb bimbo?
You could at the very least aim the cameras at the windows - cause that's the only way in.
You see surveillance cameras are only really useful for some kinda slow attack, that you could run in and stop;
they won't do any good if someone, like, launched a missile at the building?; or perhaps fired a purple space bazooka at her window.
Gee - maybe you'd better rethink this whole "bait" thing, idiots...
In fact: this assassin character actually has a blaster rifle and seems like she's a pretty good shot; she could've just parked her speeder across the street and shot Padme through the window. She apparently knew where she was sleeping, cause she sent the robot there?
Also, what makes them so sure that the assassin's gonna try and kill her tonight? You see the thing with assassins is - they strike when you least exp- []
[]
Hey - sorry about that, I had a movie on in the other room, I went to go turn it of-
"This situation is more dangerous than the Senator will admit." Yea the situation is so dangerous, you're walking around in the middle of broad daylight when Padme is clearly visible through many open windows. And you're the security chief?
So instead they're waiting for the assassin to strike tonight - just like they read the script in advance.
But then a floating robot thing cuts a hole in the glass, and releases deadly centipedes into the room. You know if this robot probe was equipped with a blaster? [spy droid on Hoth]
Then blamo - no more Amidama...
So anyway, these bugs were given to this assassin by a guy named Boba Fett - who is also an assassin; well technically he's a bounty hunter, but I'm sure he could get the job done...
So why exactly did an assassin hire another assassin? Why didn't he just do the job himself if they're his clients? "My client is getting impatient." Everyone seems to know where Padme's room is anyway? And Boba Fett does have a jetpack that he can launch a rocket out of?
Anyway, so because R2-D2 didn't aim the scanners at the window – you know, like the most likely place an attack would occur from – the deadly bugs get in the room.
"I sense it, too..."
Anakin senses this and runs in the room and kills them.
vvvv------done------vvvv
[Obi-Wan sees the probe droid] Then Obi-Wan goes against his own advice: "Patience; use the Force - think.", and then recklessly throws himself out the window at the probe droid.
[Obi-Wan sees the probe droid (slowed down)] Now a couple of things here he didn't know:
A) He didn't know if he could catch the robot in time before falling to his death.
B) If the probe could even support his weight.
C) That the probe was not also a small bomb that would have exploded when he grabbed it.
This is another case of classic role reversal as well: Anakin really should've been the one that threw himself out the window after the probe droid [Obi-Wan jumps out the window]; Obi-Wan would have made like an annoyed face, and then went out after him in the Jetson's car [Anakin runs toward the speeder and jumps in].
Obi-Wan didn't really seem to have too much interest in this assignment anyways, other than to provide basic protection: "We are here to protect you Senator [cut to him jumping after the droid] - not to start an investigation." After getting his Gundark stuck in Anakin's nest, he wanted to just phone this one in.
Are you guys sure that wasn't supposed to be Anakin jumping out the window? Did they make a mistake when filming the scene - and then just left it?
^^^^------done------^^^^
Wait, Amidala's head of security has no depth perception? Uhh, I take it back - Obi-Wan, maybe you should start an investigation.
Hey wait... - isn't she dead? [previous and current decoy split-screen] Gosh Padme, you're really burning through these decoys aren't you.
Anyone wanna be Padme's next decoy? Everyone's trying to kill her.
[Jar Jar]
Step right up...
So Obi-Wan's flying around on this thing - and Anakin somehow knows how to find him; even though by the time he gets to the speeder, Obi-Wan's probably 500 miles away.
(I guess the Force told him where to go, so that he could eventually become Darth Vader...)
What if this assassin had tricked the Jedi into chasing after the probe droid; like using it as bait? Then after they left he just floated his car up to the window and shot Padme.
I guess when you rush off and chase after a probe droid without a moment's hesitation, you can make a pretty big mistake like that. "Patience - use the Force."
Also it's revealed in a bit that this assassin is a shapeshifter - which could very well be the most advantageous attribute that an assassin could possibly have; but instead he went with the whole bug-through-the-window approach - you know, the classic.
This also leads me to wonder why someone who could disguise their face by changing it, would need to wear a disguise.
So anyway, they're assuming that this person driving the space car is an assassin - when really they could just be, like, a getaway driver or,... or maybe like a regular person who's under some kinda mind control to commit the assassination.
But despite having almost no information at all, Anakin lands on top of the speeder, and then attempts to murder her with his lightsaber.
Now I understand he really… "loves" Padme - but come on, are you even 100% certain you landed on the right speeder?
So then they crash land and she runs inside of like a night club, and Obi-Wan says:
"He went in there to hide, not to run!"
Uhmm... how do you know that? ..... Hey - I asked you a question! How do you know he ran in there to hide? Did you read the script too? Hey what's that - what's that on the ground over there, is that the script?
Anyway, maybe the assassin went in there because he knows the owner; and there's like a secret backdoor escape route. Or this was like a backup plan in case he got chased there. Maybe there's ten Nausicaans waiting for the Jedi at the Dom-Jot table... "Play Dom-Jot, human!"
Obi-Wan makes a lot of assumptions, doesn't he.. Eh, maybe the force told him.
But - when Anakin tells him it's a shape shifter, Obi-Wan knows to be extra careful: "In that case, be extra careful."
As.. if.. they were only being sort of careful before.
So they go in there and they look around, and then the assassin does something out of character: he attempts to kill one of the Jedi. This guy's mission was to kill Padme! If he's in a position to where he could sneak up on a Jedi - then why isn't he using this opportunity to escape?
ESPECIALLY when he's not sure where the other Jedi is. These are like amateur mistakes...
So Obi-Wan brutally cuts his arm off in a scene that's supposed to mirror the original Star Wars Cantina scene I guess. "Again it's like poetry, so that they rhyme."
[]
Oh hey, what's up. Listen I can't really talk right now, I'm right in the middle of doing my new Star Wars review; we could talk- OHHHH MY GOD! What's wrong with your FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE
So then Anakin acts like some kinda undercover thug cop:
"Jedi business, go back to your drinks."
"Who hired you? Tell us.
Tell us NOW!"
I thought Jedi were like peaceful guardians of the Republic - not Serpico.
Well - I guess when the guy who's training you says this: "This weapon is your life!" - then you kinda have a distorted view of things.
What was it that Yoda once said? "Wars not make one great! hehhehhmhm" "This weapon is your life!" - but now a weapon is your whole life? In fact Yoda never even trained Luke with the lightsaber - it seemed like all the other stuff was more important. Eh, I guess I just don't understand… this is a bunch of schlock. []
So then the assassin with perfect assassination skills takes out the other assassin, when he should've just killed Amidala himself.
Hey guys, THERE'S the bounty hunter responsible for everything. Yup - he's flyin' away in a jetpack… probably with a limited range.
Hey remember when you guys were somehow able to chase after and locate one speeder among millions? How about you run back to your speeder and chase after this guy now? Sure he's not gonna get too far in a rocket pack?
I bet you're tired though… I'd be tired too. I get tired just walking out to my shed sometimes.....
[...]
"ORIGINAL UPLOAD DATE: July 8, 2010"
P4 of 9
"Paaaart Four! - [COLOR=var(--yt-endpoint-color,var(--yt-spec-call-to-action))]http://www.redlettermedia.com[/COLOR]"
P2 of 3
"Mr. Plinkett's epic Attack of the Clones review! Now split into three parts instead of 8 or 9 or whatever and with no audio drift issues!"
Number 7: Tell Me You Love Me
So this assassination attempt leads us to the completely and utterly implausible and stupid plot of the movie: that Anakin must take Padme to her home world in order to protect her.
Seriously, it's so dumb it's like some kinda romance novel or something, or like a late night cinematic sex movie..
For one Obi-Wan knows that Anakin's kinda crazy in love with her [reacts to Anakin's infatuation in the elevator / during the first awkward meeting], so you'd think he'd suggest that they send Padme off with the guy that looks like a squid - you know, THAT guy. And they don't call him "Kit Fisto" cause he's into chicks, if you know what I mean...
So then the Jedi Council, for no logical reason at all, other than to maintain the plot - they think Anakin's ready and that he should go with Padme. "Escort the Senator back to her home planet of Naboo - she'll be safer there."
Two young star-crossed lovers should go on this romantic getaway - when.. romance and love is forbidden; and leads to the Dark Side.
-Fuck i- [Anakin picks Shmi up]
Oh wait - I guess Palpatine was the guy that initially suggested the idea, so he might've been, like, using a trick on 'em or some'n'?
You know his grand plan was to cloud all their judgment and trick them into letting Anakin go with her, because he knew he was gonna fall in love, get Padme pregnant, then have premonitions of future pregnancy complications resulting in her death, so that Palpatine could tell Anakin that he can use the Dark Side to save her so that Anakin could become Darth Vader and help Palpatine rule the Empire.
You'd think if this guy could see that far into the future, he'd just pick the lotto numbers... Maybe that's how he paid for the Clones.
But wait [Emperor electrifying Luke] - if that were the case- [Cliegg Lars stretches out hand] ah fuck it.
[Jango: "Pack your things."] Anybody wanna help me milk my cat? It's time to make breakfast...
So this movie operates under the logic that assassinations only take place at night - because Padme is packing her things right next to a bunch of open windows in broad fucking daylight.
Then there's even robots floating outside the window and Anakin doesn't even seem to notice this - and the last assassination attempt was by a robot at the window.
Fucking Helen Keller could assassinate her at this point...
Eventually they go back to Naboo, and we kinda forget about the silly assassination thing? - aaaand apparently they do too, because they make absolutely no effort to conceal themselves in any way; you might as well paint a target on her face...
You know if she's so safe on Naboo - then why didn't Anakin just drop her off and come back?
I think it's pretty naïve to assume that whoever this assassin is, couldn't figure out that they went back to Naboo after he sees that Jar Jar Binks has replaced Amidala in the Senate; then he could just find them, and take his time, and shoot her when they're, saaaay... sitting in an open field?
But I digress - this is really about love, right...
And if love is forbidden - then we're supposed to instantly care about it, right?
Well - no; not at all. Just because you throw obstacles in the way of a romance, doesn't mean that we'll care about it.
But instead we have to endure this completely implausible premise; it don't make no sense!
HC: "Throughout the film they're.. put in these very extreme settings, because they're in hiding." [?????????]
Now I'm the last person in the world who you'd call an expert on love, considering that most of my relationships seem to end up inside several different trash bags - but I think I might actually understand is a little more than George Lucas....
To him, love seems to be only something from like Romeo and Juliet.
"See how she leans her cheek upon her hand... oh, that I were a glove upon that hand that I might touch that cheek!"
Something like an alien or a robot would view human love as; like a guy who hopelessly pursues a woman by saying clichéd love dialogue - "You are in my very soul - tormenting me."
Then a woman who blushes, and smiles, but insists they can't be together because of whatever convenient social implications prevent them from it. "I'm a senator..."
"And a Montague!"
"Neither, fair maid, if either thee dislike!"
"And the place death, considering who thou art..."
This is movie romance at its most superficial and one-dimensional - two attractive people in beautiful locations: they must be in love!
I did enjoy, however, watching the actors squirm and BS their way through interviews when asked to describe the romance plot; you might call the acting in Episode 2 bad? But watch - these people are pros at the whole acting thing...
"She really struggles with,.. um… sort of the, the career vs. romance... um, issue.."
You see the thing is, that both characters have no reason at all to love each other - other than the fact they are simply physically attracted to each other.
So instead of making the story about them just, ff..fucking like.. wild rabbits? - they-.. they-, g-.. imply some kind of.. deeper,... emotional connection, that, has never been established,... - because they don't know each other. It's what they call a… "Contradiction".
So a bunch of nerds will argue that it's the will of the Force that they'd be together; but that's just an excuse for sloppy, shitty writing.
This is also yet another example of how these characters are always written backwards in the Star Wars prequels:
See Padme has no reason to not want to be in a relationship - she's not the Queen anymore; she's just a senator. She should be on the prowl for some action on the side. (Edward style, baby.)
And Anakin should be trying to keep his composure and stick with what he had just been taught for the last 10 years; maybe be somewhat resistant at first.
I dunno, it just seems to make more sense that way; and it'd be fitting metaphorically too: She tempts him, and begins the process of ruining his Jedi training and causing the destruction of paradise; apple anyone?
"........." "No..." "But trust me, gentleman - I'll prove more true than those that have ......!"
"I'm a senator." Baaaarrf...
BUT, while Padme is supposedly against them falling in love, she allows for them to take romantic walks along scenic vistas; dine in elegant settings...; frolic in the fields...; and roll around with each other in the grass. Then she wears sexy, revealing clothing, oftentimes in front of a fireplace - exposing the contoured details of her sexy-ass body and titties...
I still can't decide if this is the worst screenwriting ever - or if this girl is the biggest galactic cocktease since Anjun...
It's almost comical how all this is played out - these characters are so flat and uninteresting, and Lucas doesn't seem to know how to write dialogue between two real people: "I wish that I could just... wish away my feelings." - that we basically have to be told that they're in love; we can't actually experience it, or feel it, because I suspect he doesn't know how to convey it.
They're both attractive people and smile a lot - they're in love! [picnic scene]
They rode in on a space gondola - just like in Venice; the most romantic city on Earth! - They're in love!
There's no substance to any of this. [Arena love confession]
And in the end, this simple moment between two characters [Han and Leia on the Falcon] - had a million times more depth and realism than even the biggest fake waterfalls your computer could make!
[Arena love confession] Now you say: maybe they are in love, and maybe I [sandpeople murder confession] just don't see it cause I'm a psychopath who butchers women.
(Well, yeah, just.. yeah.)
To that I say, let's turn towards further analysis to find our conclusion.
Now I've analyzed this film with two experts in the field of true love: porn star Jocelyn James, and Tiger Woods. Both have provided me with valuable insights about love and stable, monogamous relationships.
Most men - and especially Anakin, a 19 year old male with raging hormones – the list of what he's looking for in a relationship is rather short.
"Number 1: Is she hot?
Number 2: Seriously bro, how hot is she?"
And that's it.
Now what women are looking for is a little more complex; their list is as follows:
"Does he have a good job? Where does he live, and what kind of car does he drive?
He needs to be confident without being too arrogant.
He needs to be funny, but not like, goofy funny?
He needs to be tall, but not too tall, or like - weird tall?
He should be spontaneous, but only when I'm expecting it.
Handsome is a plus, and handsome with good hair is better - no baldies, L-O-L!
He needs to know the exact time to say ALL the right things;
he needs to know the right time not to say anything.
He really needs to know how to treat me like the woman I am, - both in the bedroom, and when we're out in the town!
He needs to be family oriented, and good with kids - but... not too good with kids, like in a creepy clown way?
He needs to be intelligent; or at the very least, money smart - so we can know how to invest for retirement, the kid's college fund, and our funeral expenses.
He can have his friends, and do things with them, but only when it's convenient for me.
He needs to care about me, but, not be too controlling - you know, sometimes I just wanna go out, and have fun with the girls, and he needs to be ok with that, and not get all like 'Hey, where are you going?' You know-"
Ok, stop. Thank you, that'll be all.
Then the list goes on to 167, but I'll stop there, you get the point.
Now when first courting a woman, she'll be interested in two things:
that you don't look like Danny DeVito;
and that you say and do all the right things.
Since Anakin looks like a guy from a J.C. Penny catalogue, vvv------vis done------vvv [........] he's safe in the looks department - but can his actions and words hold up?
"GET IN MY LIVING ROOM-"
-'ll put it to the test. You see when you say something right- [........]
"I just need your help with something... please.."
Nadine: "Ok.. I will help you... I will... [...]"
[...]
"ORIGINAL UPLOAD DATE: July 8, 2010" P5 of 9
"[COLOR=var(--yt-endpoint-color,var(--yt-spec-call-to-action))]http://www.redlettermedia.com[/COLOR] - In Part 5 we discuss the things Anakin does to win the heart of Padme, other than the Force doing all the work for him. Things don't quite add up..."
[........] You see when you say something right to a woman, she smiles [......]; it tickles her brain, which in turn sends blood flowing down to her sex hole. []
But her smile could also be deceptive [Padme not sure if Anakin's dictatorship support is serious] - [dismissing it as nerves] and could indicate one of 117 different things: [dismissing it as nerves in slow-motion] Sarcasm, Incredulity, Condescension, Confusion, Contemplation, Facetiousnes- ^^^------vis done------^^^
So in the very brief time that Anakin and Padme are together, they decide to get married as well - and don't say it was the will of the Force unless you don't want me to send you a pizza roll...
...and then when I send it to you, I'm'n.. shove it up your ass-
So other than being a handsome guy, let's analyze what Anakin did to win over Padme:
1: When Anakin first meets Padme, she's like: "Oh! Hello..." - and then she drops an unintentional Freudian phallic reference: "My goodness, you've grown!" Win: V - [Good looks.}
Then the very first thing that comes out of Anakin's mouth is a very awkward and inappropriately placed compliment: "So have you… grown more beautiful, I mean." XXXXX: [Inappropriate compliment.]
She smiles lovingly and dismisses it as nerves. Women don't mind an initial nervousness from a guy, it's complimentary and cute to them; BUT IT GETS OLD REAL FAST [close-up of Jar Jar]. Assertiveness needs to take over quickly; BUT, too much assertiveness, and arguing with your boss to impress her, comes off as a pathetic and desperate attempt for attention. XXXXX: [Inappropriate assertiveness.}
Next - women like when you ask them questions about things; they like to talk about themselves a lot, and don't really care what you have to say.
For example, in this next scene - Padme mentions how she's worked for a year on legislation to oppose the Military Creation Act… or something. "I haven't worked for a year to defeat the Military Creation Act-"
Even if you could care less about this shit - you just pretend like you do, you can say: "Well that sounds interesting - tell me about this piece of legislation." Then she'll start running her mouth - and you can think about sex while she's talking; occasionally you should nod - and Always be prepared with some follow-up questions.
Instead Anakin misses this very obvious lead, and immediately starts talking about himself and his Jedi stuff: "I am truly thankful to be his apprentice." XXXXX [Talking too much about yourself, and your job.]
She doesn't care.
Then it gets worse! He starts bitching and complaining about his job and his boss - almost to where it seems like he's gonna start crying:
"He's overly critical;.. he NEVER listens, he.. he doesn't understand!.. It's not FAIR!"
Keep in mind that this is only like their second scene together - I can only imagine what she's thinking: "Holy shit, this guy is a fucking annoying whiner; - I really can't see myself with him.
If he's bitching about this - imagine how he'll act when I want him to go see Wicked with me..."
And then… XXXXX: [Creepy sex looks.]
And if a woman ever says "you're making me uncomfortable": "It makes me feel uncomfortable." - it's usually not a good sign. ((Unless she's into that sort of thing.))
So now I guess they go to Naboo.
"Don't do anything without first consulting either myself, or the Council." Hey man, go ask the Council first - cause I'm sure they'll just agree to whatever; so it's cool.
So they're off on their romantic Italian vacation.
It's a girl, who's under threat of assassination; and a guy whose training was prophesized to bring "grave danger" - and they're sending them off together; alone. Why?
Aaand yet again, the two most logical, clear-minded guys aren't going along, and they just stand there and watch it happen. "Again it's like poetry it's so that they rhyme."
They even place bets on who's gonna make the first move. "I'd be more concerned about her doing something -" Yeah this guy knows what's up.
So when they're on the transport ship, Padme does a little feeler, to see if Anakin and her can fuck in the bathroom: "Are you allowed to love? I thought that was forbidden for a Jedi..."
Anakin responds with an earnest, yet clumsy response about a loophole in the Jedi doctrine about love; this... kind of pleases her - so we'll give him a point. V [Talkin' Bout Love]
Finally they arrive at the most romantic city in the universe - and Anakin scores a few points early on:
V: [Carrying Her Luggage.]
"I was relieved when my two terms were up - but when the Queen asked me to serve as Senator-." V: [Listening to her prattle on about herself.]
For a few minutes it seems like he's learning - but then he goes back to being a prick.
"But I was thinking-" "Hold on a minute..." "Excuse me." XXXXX [Interrupting.]
"Excuse ME." XXXXX [Losing Temper.]
"Sorry, my lady." XXXXX [Forced Apology.]
Then for no reason they take a ride on a Venetian gondola to a romantic location - but did you ever notice how this is like a space gondola? Like it has the same yellow and silver design elements that the Naboo fighters have;
like everything else has this old world charm to it, but the gondola. vvv------vis done------vvv
I mean, can you squeeze any more romantic clichés into this movie? Oh wait, you can. They coulda stuck in the Nabooffel Tower in the background []; and had them served wine by a waiter in a beret []. "Oui oui Padméééé, can I tek you out to the-_________ and give you a ________ and sho-_______________ah?"
And by the way, what in the hell is she wearing?! I mean, really - she's kinda just asking for this guy to uhmm… use the Force. Isn't she..
I mean she might as well just show him where the pinball machine is-
So then he stammers on, trying to make some kind of analogy about sand: "It's coarse, and… rough, and irritating... - and it gets everywhere." - which could be the dumbest line ever in movie history.
And then she kisses him - []; and is like: "No!"
Now go back to looking at my extremely revealing and sexy outfit you dumb idiot... ^^^------vis done------^^^
So their next date is at the waterfall;
Anakin tries to discuss politics - and admits he supports a fascist dictatorship. XXXXX [Supports Fascism]
Then he rides on a giant pig; and then they roll around. The ladies like it when you roll around with them in the grass - but only if they're awake. And not drugged.
Later that night – in a romantic fireside setting – Padme has changed into a sexy S&M outfit, and teases this guy even more.
Then he starts crying. "The closer.. I get to you - the worse it gets."
Then he starts begging for sex: "I will do anything that you ask." XXXXX: [Begging for Sex] - but she still tells him no because "she's a Senator"?? "I'm a Senator..." LET THE GUY GET HIS ROCKS O-
Next Anakin murders women and children; XXXXX [Murders Women and Children]
brings a corpse home; XXXXX [Brings a Corpse Home]
and goes on a psychotic megalomaniacal rant. XXXXX [Psychotic Megalomaniacal Rant]
"I killed them... I killed them all.."
"Um hi, excuse me?"
"They're dead..."
"I'd like to discuss some minor inconsistencies with some of the equipment in this room! - and how it's a little different from Episode 4, A New Hope?-"
Hey quiet - this isn't the time...
"Whaat??"
"I HATE THEM!!!"
"What's not the right time?
What?"
This is an emotional moment... Anakin just killed some Sandpeople...
"You mean Arabs??"
No.... no,.. you racist, no...
"Ohhhh... ..... oh, gee, sorry.. a-.. I-... I wanted to talk about the control panels."
"Why'd she have to die?" XXXXX: [Weird, Creepy Comments]
"I will be.. the most.. powerful Jedi ever!" XXXXX: [Weird, Creepy Comments]
"I will even learn to stop people from dying!!" XXXXX: [Weird, Creepy Comments]
"He's JEALOU-" XXXXX: [Weird, Creepy Comments]
"I killed them..." XXXXX: [Weird, Creepy Comments]
"They're dead..."XXXXX: [Weird, Creepy Comments]
"And the children, too-"XXXXX: [Weird, Creepy Comments]
"And I slaughtered them like animals!"XXXXXXXXXX: [Weird, Creepy Comments]
Padme: "To be angry is to be human…"
Anakin: "..-"XXXXXXX
And then - even though Anakin's strikes far outweigh his successes? She still marries the guy after knowing him for only like 3 days.
You know what? I take it all back; I take back every piece of criticism I ever said about the guy.
George Lucas - I present you with the "Totally and Completely Understands Women" trophy []. You've earned it my friend; you've earned it.
"I don't like sand... - it's coarse, and.... rough, and irritating... - and it gets everywhere.
Not like here. Here everything is soft.... and smooth."
"This is awful... Just awful!.."
"But I need to share my pain; I need to make others understand!"
""Pain"? It's just movie, mister.."
"No it's not!.. it's more than that, it's.. it's the most disappointing thing in cinematic history!
I HAVE A DUTY - to the HUMAN RACE - to explain why in detail."
"Wow, you really aren't crazy mister..."
"Ohmy god, is this a fake movie or something??
Doesn't look anything like the films I saw when I was a kid I mean- - remember Javva the Hutt? It was like all gross, and grimy, and dripping?
[transition to Kamino cloning facility scene, Obi-Wan walking with the aliens]
This is nothing like that, it's too clean, everything looks too pretty...
What the fuck is that? Obi-Wan: "Very impressive..."Who the fuck are these people?!"-
"ORIGINAL UPLOAD DATE: July 8, 2010"
P6 of 9
http://www.redlettermedia.com - Part 6 of 9 of the epic Star Wars Episode 2 review - In this part we're going to Jackson... Samuel L. that is LOL! We're going to discuss the most awkward, odd, and inappropriate casting choice EVAR! We must also talk about racism and marketing for a bit. I'm sorry."
Number 8: Why is Samuel L. Jackson in Star Wars movies?
When I first heard that he was gonna be in Star Wars, I was like: "Huuh? What?"
After a while it made sense to me though...
There is a reason why he's in there - and it has nothing to do with him being the absolute best person to portray the oh so memorable character of Mace Windu. "People gettin' jacked in this movie-"
Let's flash back to 1997 - Titanic is breaking the box office records all around the world; and at the same time Lucas is shooting Episode 1.
While he's waiting around for others to do the work that he'll eventually take credit for [work on the Yoda puppet] - he complains about Titanic. "You know, we're never gonna beat Titanic - nobody can…"
You could see how annoyed he is, that another director is making more money than him and stealing the spotlight.
Now it'd be really naïve to assume that George Lucas returned to filmmaking just because he wanted to tell the origin story of Star Wars - he's a businessman first, and a filmmaker second. But he's a good businessman, I'll agree with that... ["We're in the money! Come on my honey! Let's spend it, lend it, spend it, rooooooooooolling along!"]
But the Star Wars prequels are nothing more than carefully crafted products to appeal to as many moviegoers as possible; he had milked the Original Trilogy as much as he could by '97, so it was time to move on.
Now with all that said, we can discuss Samuel Jackson.
Now a lot of you might be thinking that he's in Star Wars movies cause they wanted to have… y-.. you know, a black guy on the Jedi Council. And it's kinda true - but there's more to it than that;
cause the diversity quota had already been filled:
When the first Star Wars movie came out people said: "Where's all the black people?" [throne room wideshots; pilots]
But then in Empire, black people started appearing everywhere. [Lando, some guards behind Lando]
Return of the Jedi was even more diverse!
We saw our first black X-Wing pilot, who died...
there was an Asian pilot who... also died;
and Lando even had a Hispanic co-pilot.
In Jedi we also got to see the first Jew in Star Wars. [Salacious B. Crumb laughing]
The Phantom Menace was also a plethora of diversity - we had Asian guys running the Trade Federation: "..."; there was a Middle Eastern junk dealer: "..."; and we broke new ground by having the first homosexual in Star Wars. [Darth Maul]
So by the time Episode 2 was released, diversity wasn't an issue - but what was an issue was demographics...
Truth is – and I'm just gonna say it – black people don't really like Star Wars all that much; sure, some do I guess - but it's a really small number.
Now Hollywood and advertisers have a term they use to avoid being called racists - the term they use is "the Urban Market". Now the Urban Market once stole my TV - so I know they like movies; but usually it's things like:
Barber Shop...
Maybida Goes to Jail-
Soul Food...
Set It Off...
Waiting to Exhale-
Friday...
3 Men and a Little Lady,..
New Jack City..-
Now again I must stress, this doesn't mean that all black people like the same kinda movies - but if I had to pick one demographic that would be least likely to watch a movie with scenes like THIS: [Jar Jar getting electrocuted] - it'd be black people.
OH COME ON, YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT??-
George Lucas does attempt to correct this missing demographic problem by casting two of the coolest black dudes ever in Star Wars. []
Now while Billy got to play a role that was like a real cool dude: "Hello, what have we here?" - Samuel L. Jackson is horribly miscast as the most boringest character ever.
You see Jackson's strength as an actor is not playing someone that's reserved and wise - [Shaft?] [?] it's playing bad motherfuckers. "It's the one that says Bad Motherfucker." [Pulp Fiction 1st speech] Characters that have a certain intensity to them: "You wanna shut that mouthy bitch aa yours up?!" "YES THEY DESERVED TO DIE AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!!" "YES GOD DAMN IT! WASTE THE MOTHERFUCKERS!"
He can give a really powerful performance if put in the right role [...]; the WRONG role of SUCK. "The oppression of the Sith will never return!"
Most times he'll be wearing a black leather jacket, and he'll probably be like a cop or a special agent - you know, a role that allows him to beat people and scream at them. "WHAT'S my NAME?!" [] "JOHN SHAFT!!" [] "John Shaft!! SAY IT!" "JOHN SHAFT!!!"
Jackson's really best when he's screaming. "I have HAD IT with these MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES, on this MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!" "Don't FUCK with me or I'll shove a lightning bolt up your ass!!" "Well believe it now, motherfucker, we gotta get this car off the road!" "WASTE the motherfuckers!" "ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!"
Now if you wanted to cast an older, wiser African-American Jedi, you got so many other better choices - like Morgan Freeman;
Forest Whitaker;
Sydney Poiteter;
and so on [Danny Glover, ?, ?].
Problem is is that these guys – and while they're all excellent actors and could pull off the whole wise Jedi thing really well – they aren't the biggest box office draws; and they certainly aren't really that hip to young movie going audiences.
The allure that Samuel L. Jackson was gonna be some kinda awesome ass-kicking Jedi in Star Wars? That was nothing more than a dirty and sleazy marketing gimmick. ["May the Force be with us all."] He didn't do anything! And his delivery of the clunky dialogue was just fucking awful. "Remember Obi-Wan - if the Prophecy is true, your apprentice is the only one who ca-" "Well, hey, you know… it's a Star Wars movie."
He did awkwardly swing his sword around [], [] and then decapitated a poor guy who was just trying to make his way in the Galaxy? - but by no means was Jackson a badass in this movie ["So the Prophecy says." ...];
he was just yet another creepy, boring asshole. Coulda done him in CGI and not made a bit of difference... [... "A Prophecy - that misread could have been."]
So in short, Jackson was cast not because he was good for the part - but because his name would bring in extra dollars, and an audience that might not have come otherwise.
[Lucas shrugs]
Much like how Jar Jar was there to appeal to the really little kids;
Anakin was there to appeal to younger, toy playing aged boys;
the Jedi action stuff was to appeal to the teenage to middle-aged fanboys;
and lastly, why do you think Amidala changed her outfit so many times and wore such elaborate costumes? Well that was an attempt to give little girls and women something of interest to look at.
The main point I'm trying to make is, you can make a film that appeals to all audiences? - but you gotta keep all the elements pretty subdued in order to make it work;
when you include the extreme ends of the spectrum that movies could go to [Anakin burning | Jar Jar at dinner], in order to sell your movie to EVERYONE POSSIBLE – from like, baby stuff, to extreme hardcore violence – it becomes a big fucking disaster.
Kinda like what Abe Lincoln once said: "You can fool all of the people some the time; and you can fool some p-" ah fuck it.
Am I making aanny sense? Sometimes I ramble after I had a few vodka gimlet.…
[floating spy droid]
"ORIGINAL UPLOAD DATE: July 8, 2010"
P7 of 9
"As soon as my flow starts I compose art like the ghost of Mozart."
P3 of 3
"Mr. Plinkett's epic Attack of the Clones review! Now split into three parts instead of 8 or 9 or whatever and with no audio drift issues!"
Number 9: George Lucas ruins the Lightsaber and the Force all in one scene
vvv------vis done------vvv
Now all you geeks love the lightsaber [Jedis igniting lightsabers in the arena] - but the question is why?
Well [Vader inspecting Luke's saber] - a lightsaber is an otherworldly device; [Vader holding his saber to Luke's throat] it's pure fictional awesomeness. [Qui-Gon cutting through the door] It can cut through anything - even my ex-wife. []
[Luke starts going at Jabba's henchmen] Lightsabers also transform the Jedi into a kind of superhero [Gin&Tonic rescuing the Queen...].
It's just a neat weapon!
I mean everyone wants one [...Qui-Gon putting his saber back on his belt] - and everyone wants to film themselves with one [fanfilm]; so much, it's gotten kind of annoying.
However [Anakin with 2 sabers] - like anything that's cool, if it's used too much it becomes boring - except for cocaine… []
Luke used his lightsaber pretty sparingly [takes out blaster as he sees Boba Fett] - but: when he took it out, you knew he meant business [destroys the forest speeder].
[Luke defeating Vader] That was probably because they didn't feel like doing the special effect for it so much - so again the limitations made it cooler.
But now in the prequels [arena charge], things got outta hand...
Maybe George didn't really know how to create, and develop engaging sequences without having someone flash out the lightsaber [Anakin and Obi-Wan igniting their lightsabers as they leave the chopper and charge into Dooku's hangar].
It's the very first thing that happens in Episode 1...
We can't go 5 minutes without them taking out the lightsaber - they do it when they hear a noise for Christ's sake; could've just been some kind of industrial accident that happened in the cargo bay. Don't you guys feel like fools now... [deactivating their sabers as the Dioxin starts filling the room]
[Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan attack the droids on the Federation ship] Almost every scene requires the use of a lightsaber [Anakin in the droid factory].
Now I know they're Jedi and all [Qui-Gon mows down the droids on the street; Qui-Gon attacks the droids in the hangar], [Obi-Wan vs. Grievous] but I just kind of equate this to dangling a shiny object in front of a cat [] - [Anakin and Obi-Wan start fighting Grievous' electro-staff guards] you gotta try to keep the audience interested in the scene if it's not working; or if you don't know how to make it work.
I actually like the scene the best where they all try not to get eaten by the monsters in the arena? - because we see them doing things without the fucking lightsaber! It had some tension! But then we can't go- ohh, no no don't give it- ohhhh…
Now they got em again.
What they bring EXTRA ONES?!
Then them kids got em...
this guy.. robot guy's got em…
Can't go too long [Ep3 Dooku fight: Obi-Wan ignites his saber;] without seeing a lightsaber! [...; Anakin ignites his saber] lightsaber- [...; Dooku ignites saber] lightsabers, everyone's got a lightsaber [Obi-Wan vs. Jango], [Mace surprises Jango] what's-.. [Ep2: Yoda ignites saber] lightsaber [Mace in Palpatine's office]? [Anakin in the Geonosian tunnel] lightsaber.. [Ep2: Dooku ignites saber against Obi-Wan] lightsaber [a Jedi in the arena]?.. "Oh, it's you!"
[Ep1 duel lightsaber ignitions] But then my annoyance with the lightsaber goes even further than its overuse: It eventually becomes impractical in its own universe [Ep2: Yoda ignites saber].
Now you gotta really stop and think about this for a few minutes... [Jar Jar]
^^^^------vis done------^^^^
Now the only reason why they had lightsabers from the beginning - was because knights of the olden days had swords.
It was kind of in the same way Star Wars was basically just like World War 2 in space; so Jedi Knights were like Space Knights.
Meh it's just a gimmick - the problem is, is that a sword is made for a 6 foot tall humanoid - but when you establish a multi-racial Jedi Order that all use the same universal weapon, it becomes impractical.
Each Jedi should really have their own unique weapon, suited for them personally.
For example, that one guy that looks like a squid – you know with all them tentacles swingin' about? [] – a lightsaber could really pose serious injury to his head. [] Be careful!..
Or that guy in the background with the really tall, thin neck - I know what I'd swing at if I were fighting him!
Or what about this clumsy, fat asshole [Dexter]? What if he just happened to be a Jedi? His big, fat hands and his slow lumbering ass would fucking get killed by Darth Maul...
Then you got that guy with no legs. How's HE gonna get in a lasersword fight?
And then of course Yoda… He shouldn't have had any lightsaber at all.
But - despite all his wisdom and knowledge - Yoda eventually has to take out a tiny, baby-sized lightsaber and fight a guy 3 times as tall as he is, who has a much bigger lightsaber.
My problem with this, is that Yoda has a handicap based on his physical limitations - when his character should be above that sort of thing.
Yes, I know they both try to do more advanced things first, like throw rocks at each other - but even in other instances, Yoda has to make up for his size when using a lightsaber [Sidious fight]; one time he throws a lightsaber at a dude, cause he can't reach him [throws saber at clonetrooper from several meters away].
And he's gotta jump all the time… must be tiring.
"Size matters not." - oh, I'm sorry Yoda, it does; it does if you use a lightsaber? All your wise sayings have been ruined in the prequels, I'm so sorry.
So in this scene he flips around the cave and bounces off the walls, because he's so small that he can't reach Doku. My question is, if Yoda can do this, and they're basically pretty well matched as far as their use of the Force goes [lightning] - then why wasn't Doku also flipping off the ceiling, too?
Or what if Doku just happened to be a 19 foot tall Gorgon, with a 12 foot long lightsaber? - Yoda would get squished like a bug!
My point is, if you can match your opponent's skills with the Force - you'd then better also be physically strong, too; and this goes against everything that the Force is about. [Yoda force-grabs his walking stick back from the ground]
You see Yoda was so magical and interesting because you didn't expect this little tiny creature to be a Jedi Master. "Jedi Master!"
We all had a preconception that a great warrior would be someone physically strong and intimidating. "I'm looking for a great warrior."
By making Yoda a little guy, they were illustrating that the Force is something beyond the physical - BUT, by showing Yoda fight with the lightsaber it ruins all that, because it takes that concept and those rules and throws it in the dumpster - right next to Bambi.
You see I'm not even sure if Lucas actually understands Star Wars, or anything that happened in The Empire Strikes Back.
"We've seen him, but we've never actually seen him fight. This'll be the first time we actually see him… pull out that little laser sword of his and go to town. So, that's something that everybody's waiting for." [John Knoll nods skeptically]
He just kinda seems like a retard that wants to see neat things happen with his computer; I don't know if he understood what made Yoda magical - and how making Yoda fight contradicts the entire mythology of the movie.
Number 10: More Dumb Kids.
One of the greatest things about the original trilogy was that we never saw any children. I think one mighta ran by the camera in "Empire"? - but really no kids were involved at all. No irritating child actors [Jake Lloyd]; no cringe inducing line delivery by kids that are obviously the children of the producers []; none of that crap!
But now we gotta see more kids...
It's almost like Lucas thought he needed to have kids in the movie for kids to wanna buy things from the movie - like they would all wanna be little Jedis themselves, just like in this scene.
Imaginations work differently than that... Kids would wanna play as Han Solo, or Luke Skywalker, or wanna be Lando blowing up the Death Star; no one ever wanted to be.. ..."Gho'r-Bon Zhuma".... [alien youngling]
"Becauthe thomeone erathed it from the archive memory." - or That T'Wirp.
But, we're forced to sit through another shitty scene that makes no sense.
This one's bad enough because it's got 30 kids in it - but it's always bothered me for a lot of other reasons.
Ok, so the scene is Obi-Wan seeks Yoda's help in finding Kamino - cause it ain't in the records. He interrupts Yoda teaching a class or something;
right off the bat, this scene ruins the uniqueness of being trained by Yoda: "Was I any different, when you taught me?" Now it's like a crowded public school or some'n'...
Then all the kids are wearing these stupid helmets, and deflecting lasers shot at them by a floating ball that Luke used in the original Star Wars.
Now call me crazy - but I always just assumed that Han Solo had a helmet there just lying around - you know, cause he was a pilot? One with a blast shield down to protect your face from like... space radiation, or, whatever-
And since they were all playing games in the game room, I just kind of assumed that that ball was like a game, or, some kinda target practice thing; kinda like Obi-Wan devised some kinda makeshift training exercise while they were killing time.
BUT, I guess it's an official training device for young Jedis...
Are we supposed to believe that he had one of those training balls in his chest all those years, and brought it with him? ...Wwhy would he have that?..
I mean is that really all they could think of to have the young Jedis do - in that scene, is.. something borrowed from the original movie? I mean do we have to rely on the original trilogy so much for nostalgia imagery, that we have to take this, too? Can't you come up with anything new that's memorable?
Boy oh boy is it hard to articulate in words how stupid this scene is; I mean e-.. everybody's standing so close to each other - and they're.. barely moving their swords... - but.. like... they could easily cut.. one another, right? I mean - why aren't you doing this in a really large gym, where everyone can spread out?
And a-.. aren't they a little young to be handling lightsabers? I mean look how clumsy the kids're holding them when Yoda's standing like 2 feet away - I, I don't know, I-.. this doesn't make sense to me..
vvv------vis done------vvv
Also, I was always under the impression that the Jedi constructed their own lightsaber as a kind of rite of passage ["I see you have constructed a new light saber." scene]. Are these like, training lightsabers? Maybe they get to use the ones from the adults who died before they can make their own; that was listed in the brochure that the parents read, called: "So you want your child to become a Jedi."
[So You Want Your Child to Become a Jedi Knight...
[Qui-Gon stabbed]
[dead younglings]
10 things you should know to prepare for their eventual death.]
Also the point of this scene, is that a child was supposed to propose the idea that someone deleted the planet from the archives: "Becauth thomeone erathed it from the archive memory." Wait THAT was the best take you got from him?!
This was an idea that Obi-Wan hadn't considered - and it came from a fertile young mind...
So basic moviemaking logic suggests that you construct this scene, where a handful of.. perhaps slightly older students are being taught meditation techniques [Ep3 meditation scene] to sharpen their thought process - that's when one comes up with the new, simple approach. That would at least have something to do with the Force?
Buuut instead it's just another excuse to have a scene with lightsabers, enough, with the F***ING LIGHTSABERS! But - we gotta stick with the logic that these movies are supposedly made for kids [Boba] - and some kind of thoughtful meditation scene would be too boring. [Ep3 meditation scene]
Hey if we got a scene where all these children hold lightsabers, the kids'll love it!
After all, these are just simple movies made for kids, and not adults at all! - which is why they have:
assassination attempts; [Ep2 opening explosion]
sexual innuendo; [nest of gundarks]
decapitations; [Jango; 3PO in droid factory]
kidnap; torture; and suggested rape; [Shmi]
hookers; [Coruscant bar]
boring political dialogue; ["This is a crisis!" scene]
forced amputations; [Dooku amputates Anakin]
drug dealing; [death sticks]
mass murder; [sandpeople]
DON'T TRY TO ESCAPE LIKE THE OTHER ONE!!
[...]
TIME TO GO IN THE REFRIGERATO-
"ORIGINAL UPLOAD DATE: July 8, 2010"
P7 of 9
"http://www.redlettermedia.com This is part 8 where we discuss the big, dumb, ending..."
Number 10: The Dissolution of Tension: Bigger is not Always Betterer
[Obi-Wan Dooku 1st scene] Star Wars Episode 2 proves that George Lucas is truly the master of the art of ruining things [R2 starts flying].
[Padme shooting after Dooku's ship; Dooku looks unperturbed] People can't seem to get too involved in these movies, and they're probably not sure exactly why.
"We're keepers of the peace - not soldiers." [Cut to Mace fighting in a battle]
They call them big video games, and they say they're too reliant on special effects. [Geonosis battle]
Rick McCallum: "It doesn't mean that... technology is gonna make the film any better - that has nothing to do with art!"
[Geonosis leader and the Fetts look over to their left; Dooku reassures Nute]
It's because any time there is a scene that could possibly have some tension and excitement in it [Ep1: Anakin hit, starts spinning;...] - it's dissolved away by its own internal contradictions [;... ends up flying into the hangar].
Let's take the speeder chase for example:
The movie creates a dazzling environment of dangerous heights [Obi-Wan hanging onto the assassin droid], nauseating speeds, and millions of things you can crash into;
[Obi-Wan falling...] then it totally ruins all of this by turning the rules of reality into a cartoony farce - thus, dissolving all the tension away [...lands on Anakin's speeder].
Obi-Wan and Anakin are falling thousands of stories and jumping out of the speeder like it's nothing at all... [Anakin landing on Zam's speeder] The implausibility of things that happen in this scene are so astounding [Anakin narrowly flies over the big structure, laughing], that it makes me laugh out loud; [Obi-Wan catches Anakin's lightsaber, puts it into the speeder;...] becomes like a Warner Brothers cartoon.
[...Anakin grabs for Zam's gun; they start wrestling over it;...] All these crazy visuals and effects, and it's no more exciting than if they just chased her on foot [...the gun goes off and hits the speeder's interior].
"It's so dense - every single image has SO many things going on..." Shaadaaahhp...
There's only one thing that's dense here, and it ain't the frame.
Now this also includes the completely pointless and stupid robot assembly line sequence - I can guarantee you that if you threw a real person [Padme] onto that assembly line, they'd get fucking killed in like 2 seconds.
Next, Obi-Wan is flying his little ship around [Obi-Wan in cockpit: "Seismic charges... Stand by!"], [Jango in cockpit: ", we'll move into the asteroid field."] and Boba Fett is firing at him [Slave1 starts firing as it flies at the camera;...] with some kinda super rapid-fire laser [...Obi-Wan in cockpit (firing shot 1): "Ah BLAST, this is why I hate flying!"]. He's got targeting sensors and scanners [the Fetts notice Obi-Wan's ship on the screen], [Slave1 shooting at Obi-Wan (shot 3), both flying in a straight line;...] and he can fire like 30 shots every second?
And he seems to be right on the mark [...hits Obi-Wan's ship] - [Slave1 shooting at Obi-Wan (shot 2, from behind), who dodges in zigzags;...] BUT HE CAN'T HIT HIM! WHY CAN'T HE HIT OBI-WAN'S SHIP! [...; Obi-Wan in cockpit (firing shot 3, looking over right shoulder), Slave1 shooting at Obi-Wan (shot 3), both flying in a straight line] HE HITS EVERY SINGLE MOLECULE AROUND HIS SHIP, BUT HIS SHIP!! Instantly, all the tension evaporates. ["Well we won't be seeing him again."]
Then you watch him shoot even more... [Slave1 shooting at Obi-Wan (shot 1, from the front), who dodges in zigzags]
Flying, and shooting, [Obi-Wan in cockpit (missile shot 2)] and dodging rocks, and flying in and out of rocks [Obi-Wan flies into the rock], [Fett cockpit shot as they're about to open fire] and things all over the place, [Slave1 starts firing as it flies at the camera;...] and shooting, and more shooting [...Obi-Wan in cockpit (firing shot 1): "Ah BLAST-"], and constant explosions [seismic bomb 1; Obi-Wan fleeing from the shockwave] and rocks and… [seismic bomb 2; Obi-Wan fleeing from the shockwave...] .....
So much happens so fast that you can't even process it with your brain [...]. "It's so dense - every single image has SO many things going on..." Aw SHUT your FUCKING face-..
[Ep3 opening: the 2 ships dive into the battle] You see you just can't start throwing tons of things on the screen because [Geonosis: droid army charges into battle, giant crabs] you can? [Podrace: Anakin racing through the caves;...] And then make it go real fast, and expect your audience to feel tension [...alien competitor crashes into rock and explodes] - [Ep3: Grievous and Obi-Wan fighting over the electrostaff] too much, too fast, will disconnect the audience from reality and cancel out the excitement.
[Obi-Wan falling...] Because they gotta project themselves into the scene; we all understand the rules of physics in real life, and if you bend it too far - you sever the connection of the audience.
It's why a sequence like this: [...Obi-Wan lands on Anakin's speeder], is nowhere near as exciting as this: [Leia shoots a Stormtroopers; the other Stormtroopers chase her as she runs into the elevator].
^^^^------vis done------^^^^
Number 11: Big Dumb Ending
At last! - we get to the big dumb ending [shootout in the sand cloud]. Where we see the excitement; and the passion; that thousands of computer animators have for getting paychecked. ["We're in the money! We're in the money!"]
So the big battle begins, and the Jedi fight the robots;
Mace and Obi-Wan meet up on the battlefield, and Mace asks Obi-Wan how the investigation into Padme's assassin is going.
So Yoda shows up and starts an intergalactic war in order to rescue friends.
First they [Anakin, Obi-Wan and Padme] need rescuing; then THEY [the Jedi] need rescuing...
Then he starts dumping millions of clones to fight millions of robots, and somehow laments the whole "war" thing: "Begun the Clone War has." Hey you started it, idiot?
So now we gotta sit through this seizure inducing battle between two forces we don't care at all about: Robots and Clones.
At least in the last movie we might've sorta cared about the Gungans a littl- OH CHRIST, I'm referencing The Phantom Menace as a positive example??!
Ok then Doku leaves for some reason.
Now Doku spent all his time on Geonosis hanging out in the bugs' fortress, right? But when he goes to leave, he gets on a flying motorcycle and flies away to a different hangar bay that's like 75 miles away.
Then the Jedi chase after him, and I guess Padme falls out of the ship.
Now they didn't really know where Doku was going - they might've suspected it was a hangar bay, but it could've just been a ship somewhere?.. Maybe he wasn't going anywhere! Maybe he was leading them into a trap, where there's a whole second front of battle droids waiting for 'em...
Point is, when Padme lands on the sand, she says: "We've GOT to get to that hangar!" How did you know they were going to a hangar bay? Did you.. read the script too? What's that in the sand over there, is that the script-
So Anakin and Obi-Wan find Doku - and then Obi-Wan says: "We'll take him together - you go in slowly on the left-" Go in slowly on the left?? The fuck does that mean? You're not chiselling a marble statue here - don't you know how fast these fights can go? Plus Dooku can hear what you're saying...
So then lightsaber fight 8-7-3-A begins, difficulty level 8.
Anakin and Obi-Wan are both low in Force Power and Energy Levels from fighting in the arena and the battle; however - Doku's power levels are at 100%, because he hasn't had to exert himself yet.
He starts off with a Force BoltTM - directed at Anakin, causing him to lose a great deal of his Force Power.
Obi-Wan then deflects his Force Bolt with a move called Force BlockTM, using his lightsaber.
Obi-Wan is tired; his Stamina and Force Power is rapidly diminishing - this allows Doku to get the best of him.
Anakin's had a moment to rest, and he's recharged his Force Power enough to use a Force JumpTM - and deflect Doku's attack. Obi-Wan tosses Anakin his lightsaber, and Anakin goes into Twin Saber Assault ModeTM. Doku knows he doesn't have time to mess around, and he needs to get off Geonosis quickly - he has a good amount of Force Power left, so he uses some of it with something called "Sith Block"TM - a power where the Dark Side causes momentary confusion. Doku cuts Anakin's arm off, and then Force PushTMes him agai- [GAME OVER]
vvvv------vis done------vvvv
Then Yoda comes; some other things happen [Dooku's escape], they warn about grave danger again [Yoda on Council chair], uhhh [Dooku meets Sidious] then, they's-.. do's- nothing-... [Obi-Wan and Mace looking out the Council room window]
guess the Emperor got the army, andAnakin marries wadme..
"Welcome back, Lord Tyranus!"
"Thank you my Master. But what happened back there, well, I'm, really not sure..."
"What do you mean you're not sure?"
"Well Yoda showed up with the Clones, and they fought the robots... - and I'm not sure who won."
"Excellent. I must now change my pantaloons - it appears I have shat myself."
Nadine: "[laughs] Why don't they just tell the Galactic Senate that Obi-Wan Kenobi found a clone army on Kamino? I mean - especially after they're about to vote for a clone army. Right?"
Plinkett: "No!, it-... none of it makes sense!"
"...all those years ago"
Nadine: "Mm-mm...
I never knew how bad this movie was, I mean I'd heard - but I didn't think it would be this bad?
"...now that I'm with you again... - I'm in agony."
Thenk you for shehring this with me."
"The closer.. I get to you... - the worse it gets."
Plinkett: "Uhh..mm..... sure... ..... let'-.. go back to the movie!
Here's a-.. A romantic scene here... uhm.."
"The thought of not being with you..."
"You are in my very soul - tormenting me."
Nadine: "Were you ever married? Do you have a wife?"
Plinkett: "Uhhh I had... uh, three of 'em actually - they all died in unrelated accidents though..."
Nadine: "Ohhhh that must've been awful... having all of three of them die tragically...."
"ORIGINAL UPLOAD DATE: July 8, 2010"
P9 of 9
"http://www.redlettermedia.com - Part 9! Thanks to Jay, Jocelyn, Rich, Chelsey, Gwen, Lauren, and Dixie for their help on the review. Also thanks to Jack, Gillian, Jesse and Jeremy for the use of the creepy basement and plastic bin. And a special thanks to Jorge for being a good sport? I hope... may the force be with all of you! http://www.redlettermedia.com"
Number 12: Oh, George
The original Star Wars movies borrowed from earlier iconic imagery in order to create the look of the movie [Flash Gordon?; Metropolis]; with Clones, it's just whatever they could shove in there [arena trio surrounded by droidekas; Dooku and Jango look on] from varying unrelated sources... [Dooku fights Anakin] - even taking things from the previous films. [Ep5: Han takes repair tool out of box]
You see in May of 2000, Lucas must've seen "Gladiator" [Released May 5th, 2000; Episode 2 production begins June of 2000] - and decided that he also wanted an arena in his movie [ | ]; but his was gonna be bigger, and betterer...
Then I guess there was an attempt to outdo Ridley Scott even more - by making a futuristic city that was much biggerer and betterer than the one in Bladerunner. [ | ] [ | ] [ | ] [ | ] [ | ] [ | ] "My computers are better than yooouuurs!"...
The line between paying homage and ripping off starts to blur at this point;
But the worst is yet to come when [Padme, Anakin, 3PO in the Lars courtyard] Clones begins stealing things from Empire [laserbrain exchange]:
At some point, someone told George Lucas that the second act in a three act dramatic structure is when all the characters are at their lowest point;
I think he learned this after the people who knew what they were doing made Empire Strikes Back [Kershner and Kurtz filming Han on Tauntaun scene] - because he seems to attempt to copy a lot of that movie in Episode 2 [sand scene]; unsuccessfully I might add...
Now what do I mean by lowest point? Well, typically a story is divided into 3 acts:
the first act sets everything up; [Leia introduction] [Obi-Wan introduction]
the second act puts the characters through some challenges [AT-ATs approach] [Falcon pursued by Star Destroyer] - i.e. the drama; [freezing chamber] [Luke "NOOOOOOO"]
in the third act they begin to work against the problem [Han defeating stormtroopers on Endor] and ultimately overcome it. [Vader throws Emperor into the pit]
If you look at each trilogy as its own contained story - then the second film should be the darkest one; Empire pulled this off perfectly, of course [Vader dinner surprise] - cause I love Empire so much I f**k it. []
In Episode 2 nothing like that really happens; [Anakin and Padme arrive in Mos Espa]
nothing much happens at all, except for you could say they get the clones… [clone army ending scene] I guess.
It's a colorful mish-mash of stuff that happens [arena battle], that bridges the gap between Episode 1 and Episode 3.
However, [beaten ST-AT gets blown up] Lucas lifts a lot of the iconic elements and imagery from Empire [Vader hallway fight - opening stances ] and shoves it into this film wherever he can [Anakin fights Dooku under dim conditions, close-ups] - [Padme watches hologram of a Destroyer attacking Obi-Wan (ship room has white walls with windows)] this is just to form some kinda connection with the franchise's best film [wide shot: Han embraces/kisses Leia in Bespin room (white walls, window(s) ceiling)]; and to make it seem like this is the darkest chapter of the new trilogy.[wide shot: Anakin and Padme embrace in front of the Lars homestead].
First off, it's love - Empire had the subtext of romance in the darkest of times [Falcon kiss scene + romantic film poster]; Clones attempts to recreate that, but fails in every way possible [sand svene kiss + romantic film poster].
[Anakin fights Dooku under dim conditions, close-ups] Then while having a much different story - [at Shmi's funeral: 3PO and R2 inform about Obi-Wan's message] Attack of the Clones borrows so many visuals from "The Empire", it's comical; some so subtle you might not have even noticed - but your brain did. []
-Leia and Padme are both dressed in white; [Leia dressed in white (in front of Bepin's white indoors surfaces) | Padme dressed in white (in front of her Naboo ship's white surfaces)]
-a sequence in an asteroid belt; [ | ]
-things that look like Bespin ships; [Bespin ships (in front of orange clouds) | Dooku's weapon drones (in front of orange dunes and sky]
-the fast-paced low cavernous reveal shot; [from the asteroid belt sequence | from the Coruscant chase sequence]
-Boba Fett appears in both films; [Jango firing at Mace | Boba standing in Bespin hallway]
-sticking your ship onto something else to avoid detection by scanners; [ | ]
-a city above the clouds [] - a city above the water! []
-space junk floats out the back of a ship. [Obi-Wan releases junk to fend off Jango's rocket | the Stardestroyer's garbage dump]
-Slave 1 tracks a ship [] - and a ship tracks Slave 1. []
-C-3PO gets taken apart in an industrial conveyor belt type place, and R2-D2 drags him around; [ | ]
-a plastic tube gets cut in half by a lightsaber - and there's an attempt to recreate the smoky, dim conditions of the Empire duel. [ | ]
-Anakin loses his arm; Luke loses his hand. [ | ]
-Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiiing... [ | ]
And then it ends pretty much on the same shot; C-3PO and R2-D2 are there, and there's the reveal of the robot hand.
"Again it's like poetry, it's so that they rhyme." Thank you; I got it... "Every stanza..." GOT IT "you know rhymes with the last one." Ok, got it! Thanks! Stop... "Hopefully it'll work." Stop!!
XXXXX [Having a Creepy Skeletor Hand] Oh wait, we're done with that part, right..
Then there was one last thing I wanted to mention:
After finally working up the courage to tell Han that she loves him, and exposing her true feelings - Leia fears that she might've lost him forever. There's a last ditch effort to save him, but they're too late - she watches the ship fly off; this could be the last she ever sees of Han Solo - the man she loves. It's pretty heartbreaking, and filled with a lot of heavy emotions.
In Clones a similar type of thing happens - Padme fires at a fleeing ship on a landing platform; someone named Count Dooku is on it - who's going to do... something.
Certainly not getting misty eyed over THIS...
If you compare Empire with Clones in this way, you can see a vast difference:
from the realism of actual locations and sets [Hoth hangar] - to the phony, plastic, cartoony, unrealistic environments; [Jedi Temple interior]
from a real Yoda, who was there to teach us things about the Force [] - to a fake looking computer Yoda ["- not victory."], who was there to do video game shit [Yoda vs. Dooku];
and most importantly, a love story - that felt like real people that we grew to care about [Han parts with Leia in the Hoth control room]; struggling in a tough situation [post-torture scene] - but rather characters we are told we should like [sand scene; picnic scene]; [Padme jumps on Anakin's tamed dinosaur] with no more depth than a cardboard cutout projected against a fake background.
"For my ally is the Force." - [Yoda screaming and flipping around while fighting Dooku]
"And a powerful ally it is." - [Yoda stops Dooku's huge metal cylinder, throws it against the wall]
"Life creates it…" - Qui-Gon: "I need a Midichlorian count."
"makes it grow..." - Obi-Wan: "The reading is off the chart!"
"Its energy… surrounds us!" - Obi-Wan: "Over 20 thousand..."
"…and binds us." - Obi-Wan: "Even Master Yoda doesn't have a Midichlorian count that high!"
"Luminous beings are we - not this.. crude matter?" - Obi-Wan: "This weapon is your life!"
"You must feel the Force around you!" - [Yoda throwing his lightsaber at a Clone]
"Yes…."
Lucas: "With the new digital technology and everything, I pretty much… whatever I can imagine, I can do. We have Clones, and droids, and flying termites, and rockets taking off,…" [Yoda lowers his head, disappointed sigh] "…flying gunships, ground troops, 200 Jedi."
Samuel L. Jackson: "There's some really good action in this movie," [Yoda saddened] "you know, people getting wiped out, man, there's some wipeouts in this movie..."
Lucas: "And then, they get trapped into this droid factory…" [Yoda closes eyes in exasperation]
"We see Jedi in large battle scenes - you know, battling as a large group." [Yoda is excited and bewildered] "And before-.. we've never seen that before, it's always been a couple of Jedi fighting each other."
These are the real flaws of the prequels, not the tiny nitpicking about things [Anakin fixing Watto's thing scene on post-production screen] - but the major problems.
Rick: "Every. Single. Frame. - Every single shot in the movie has a digital effect." [Dooku on speeder, in front of bluescreen; Anakin with lightsaber pulled back by wirework, in front of bluescreen]
Natalie Portman: "Pretty much.. every… set... has bluescreen, even if it's just out a window or something." [Padme on the conveyor belt, in front of bluescreen]
Hayden Christensen: "It's everywhere.… uh, I think I've.. been on one set where there hasn't been any bluescreen." [twirling lightsaber in front of bluescreen, on set sand]
Ewan McGregor: "The- the guy who's- creating that character - will create their… responses off-.. what… uh- how you respond to their responses that aren't there [John Knoll with a spherical tool, in front of a bluescreen] - it's a nightmare!.."
[Lucas on a bluescreen set, laughing]
When you suck out the humanity from the films [Leia staring at the closing gate], [Han in the snow desert] and replace it with the ease of digital filmmaking... [Lucas in front of a screen showing people on a large bluescreen set, looking at storyboards] - well.... [Obi-Wan on a large bluescreen set, walking alongside a Kaminoan stand-in] it just sucks.
THE END
Email me if you want a pizza roll - post a comment on this webzone, and I will email you a pizza roll.
Please visit my webzone! Stop by and say hello - talk about this review and other things, on the fanzone.
If you stop by, there's a bucketa pizza rolls in the corner of the room, next to the mop.
MY CAT AIN'T GONNA MILK ITSELF
"So, what'd you thiiiiink!"
"It was just awful?...
....
Harry!"
"Yea."
"I have an idea!"
"What's that?"
"Let's watch Episode 3! I wanna see how this fucking schlock ends."
"Oh, baby, I haven't even started my review of Episode 2! You know I was planning on doing that after I dumped your body.."
"Oh, please Harry, we can watch it together! We can find all the pointless inconsistencies; nitpick it apart like huge nerds; - and expose George Lucas for the hack that he really is!"
"Oh... honeypie - you're saying all the right things to me right now, you know that.."
"Ohh this is all just so fehscinatin'!"
"Mm..-"
"Just to think... all these years.. - I could've been making reviews on youtube! - instead of.... shooting up and turning tricks."
"Well what're you waiting for, baby pie, stick it in! [...]
[...]
There we go..
-ya..
Play that.. disc... baby.. ??
? YOU'RE NOT GONNA, BEY- BE ABLE TO, UN-.. BELI-
.. ..I can't wait to watch this... ["FBI WARNING"] ... Who is FBI - and what is he always warning me about..
[20 Century Fox logo]
YeaaAAHH! Alright - we're gonna watch Episode 3, it's gonna be amazing.
I'll find all the flaws, and... details.... ... uh; it's gonna be great.
Well not the movie - but.... finding all the flaws and details, in the movie..
Alright;
What's-.. what's this...? Is this the Jedi library? I don't remember this scene..
what's going on?
What-..
WHAT
WHAT!!....
"BABY'S DAY OUT"??!...
Heeey... - WHAT in the FUCK?
YOU LIED TO ME!
YOU TRICKED ME...
She lied to me...
SHE LIED TO ME.
vvvv------vis done------vvvv ?^^?
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jfhfgdgfsgfsd
sticking with the subtle implications that if something isn't literally Nazi propaganda negative stereotypes shouldn't be considered offensive,
ending with the conclusion that people who aren't the target overlook nasty stereotypes because they can ignore them,
with the implication that one has to actually go out of their way to get offended?
This shifty refusal to even say what you personally believe is why I'm acting like a "hot-headed crusader". I cannot trust anything you're saying when you only work in implications.
Do you, or do you not believe Watto is a harmful stereotype? Answer the question.
So your answer is no, the big nosed caricature with a hunched back and a messy beard is not a harmful stereotype, he's just a homage to previous stock characters.I am thinking what I type, however that is not what I typed.
I think you can make that argument even without those positive stereotypes, since it makes sense.
As I said, it's a crook stereotype and he was directly based on Fagin - so of course it's not a "being fancy" level character.
Which part of your question did I not reply to? If it was the "should people be offended or not" I already said I'm not talking about telling people what they should feel about things - I was talking about the different mindsets that lead to offense and a lack of offense.
No such subtle implication was made - what I said about the nazi propaganda was something else entirely;
you want me to directly address your questions (which I do), but you don't wanna directly reply to my sentences or even read them lol - what's even the point of talking like this?
Jews and non-Jews can and do ignore and not ignore this and similar things.
Not really, because the "context" that leads to the offense/unease is automatically present in the mind - so no, you don't have to go out of your way, it's there already.
He is a harmful stereotype if meant (or taken) as a representation of all jews, jews in general;
harmful stereotypes like this have been made throughout history, and are still made to today - however similar portrayals have also been made without such an intent (i.e. Fagin).
Watto is a homage to Fagin as well as the general stereotype - which sometimes was meant maliciously, and sometimes not, but any malicious intent has been "filtered out" here with only the aesthetics and entertainment factor remaining.
You're asking this seemingly "direct question", "is he a harmful stereotype or not" - however effectively it can't be an unambiguous question, because the word "stereotype" has at least 2 distinct meanings:
1) the actual stereotyping of a group of people - assigning a trait to them all that only applies to some, or portraying the majority in that way when it's only a minority, or entirely made up to begin with;
2) a particular, mostly "colorful" personality/look that is associated with members of that group - however it may be thought of as exceptional or outstanding, or rare or not necessarily frequent to any particular degree; or even just sth that's only relevant to theater and entertainment and doesn't exist in reality (or not in the present anyway).
Mostly 2) will be inspired by the 1), but have escaped its original implications by this point;
the Jim Crow character was a reverse example in that regard, because originally it was just a comedy routine by a comedian based on a slave he encountered somewhere - but with time, that performance and many imitating it and inspired by it, started informing people's views and BECAME a stereotype in the 1) sense.
Either way, so yes, Watto is a jewish stereotype in the sense of 2);
however he himself is not an example of the 1) kind of stereotype, since he's not meant to represent any population anywhere - he closely resembles it, but is not himself an example.
I doubt he's even meant to resemble, like, idk, any "used car salesmen" that Lucas may have run into somewhere - as far as I know he's just purely a homage to over-the-top fictional portrayals from earlier eras.
So your answer is no, the big nosed caricature with a hunched back and a messy beard is not a harmful stereotype, he's just a homage to previous stock characters.
There, that wasn't so hard. Funny how that's exactly what I've called you out as saying previously, and you said I wasn't reading your posts.
Look I am reading your posts, I just don't feel like responding to every bit of bloviating about the definition of stereotype and aside about the development of these stereotypes.
2) a particular, mostly "colorful" personality/look that is associated with members of that group - however it may be thought of as exceptional or outstanding, or rare or not necessarily frequent to any particular degree; or even just sth that's only relevant to theater and entertainment and doesn't exist in reality (or not in the present anyway).
Mostly 2) will be inspired by the 1), but have escaped its original implications by this point;
the Jim Crow character was a reverse example in that regard, because originally it was just a comedy routine by a comedian based on a slave he encountered somewhere - but with time, that performance and many imitating it and inspired by it, started informing people's views and BECAME a stereotype in the 1) sense.
________
3b) basics
Plinkett: SW Ep1
P2 of 7
"Part two now focuses on the second biggest problem with the Phantom Menace, the story. The mystery plot lacking direction and emotional involvement was really the other big problem. No tension, no drama, no stakes. Characters aimlessly follow along the events."
[...]
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
[...]
Anyways, so I realize that Senator Palpatine was using the Trade Federation to create a crisis to advance himself politically; like that was the plot I think? But the conflict from the blockade and the subsequent invasion is the entire movie! Understanding what role the Trade Federation played in this, is important...
When/ell you know what the blockade was about, who was getting taxed, what kinda supplies were so crucial to the Naboo - what was it, like medical supplies? Just some kinda plague? Did they not have the capacity to survive on such a lush planet with a huge power reactor for one day without space trade?
You see I would've accepted the idea of some kinda mystery villain [Sidious hologram] if the basics were at least clear...
The "basics" can be understood as the circumstances and events that are known to the general public (or at least the Senate / Coruscant government) and the protagonists (the Naboo officials and the Jedi) from the start - whereas the "mystery plot" is the secret events and plans initially only known to the "mystery villain(s)", and then gradually/partially revealed to the previously clueless parties.
Those "basics", while known by the (relevant) people in-universe, aren't automatically known to the audience - which initially doesn't know anything at all, and to the extent that it isn't filled in, is left lagging behind:
Plinkett: SW Ep2
Number 2: The audience is expected to accept too many things that we are, and are not told.
[...]
You see, this is when a fish-out-of-water main character comes in handy - all those people know this stuff, so they don't talk about it;
but if you throw in a quick scene where a character called a: "Proahtaginist"; has it explained to him - then it's explained to the audience as well.
In this segment, Plinkett apparently forgets that characters who "know this stuff", can and often do "talk about it" on screen - cases in which this is perceived as not realistic/natural enough are typically called "as you know"s, but even those (despite themselves causing believability problems) do the job of filling the audience in.
And if they don't, and there's no "fish-out-of-water character" either, then this still leaves at least 2 methods of conveying this information to the viewer:
-showing it on screen; and
-narration - in this case the opening crawl.
Meanwhile, the "mystery plot" can either
-remain equally hidden from the viewer as well as those informed characters - the viewer discovering it alongside with the protagonists; or
-leave the viewer lagging behind the protagonists' discoveries (just like their already present basic knowledge); or:
-get partially revealed to the viewer before the protagonists catch up with that information (when they do at all).
In the 3rd case, the ways the viewer is given this extra information and is kept ahead of the protagonists are similar to the ways he's given the "generally available" information (i.e. the "basics"):
-showing the conspirators talk about their plans, and/or perform their secret actions;
-pieces of this info being included in the narration.
Plinkett: SW Ep1
P2 of 7
[...]
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
[...]
You see I would've accepted the idea of some kinda mystery villain if the basics were at least clear...
In Ep1, the "openly known circumstances and events" in question are:
-the basic setup of the Republic and its government (mainly the Senate);
-the Trade Federation's general position and role in it;
-and specifically regarding the immediate plot, the nature of the taxation and the subsequent blockade (as it's understood by the Senate, the Jedi, and the Naboo officials (and possibly the general public as well)):
Plinkett: SW Ep1
P2 of 7
[...]
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
[...]
So the Jedis are there to do what exactly? According to the opening title crawl it was to "settle... a dispute, over the taxation of... trade routes".
...
Oh.
So what makes the Jedi Knights experts in intergalactic trade laws?
So the Trade Federation have set up a blockade around... Naboo, in order to stop them from getting space supplies - which instantly causes some kinda... crisis? - that we never see.
[record scratch]
Okay.… ..... I don't get it:
Why would an organization called The Trade Federation wanna blockade trade? Ric Olié: "There's the blockade!" Usually a blockade is to stop something you don't want to get in?
You see we once set up a naval blockade around Cuba - to stop the Russians from setting up missile launchers there.
It was a little event you might've heard of; wasn't a big deal, you know? - but you might've heard of it it was called WORLD WAR ONE?!
Geez you stupid people gotta learn your history right...
So if the Trade Federation were like merchants, moving goods and services around the Galaxy, then why did they seem more like a military, with armies of robots?
However if they were like a bureaucracy that was in charge of overseeing and regulating trade routes - you'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes - unless all the taxes went straight to like a Space Obama, and they didn't see any of it?
The point is I'm still not sure what the doughnut ships were there to do.
And don't any of you f*****s tell me that it was explained more in the novelization or some Star Wars book... What matters is the movie.
I ain't never read one of them Star Wars books... or any books in general for that matter; and I ain't about to start.
Don't talk about them stupid video games, or... or novels…. or f-.. comic books, or any of that fucking crap.
I've seen enough of that SHIT.
I got Phantom Menace toys scattered all over in my basement. You see my grandkids play with them down there when they come over to visit - and they leave that shit all over the place.
Lemme see if I can find some of them so I can show you; I'ma go down in my basement now, hold on. I gotta switch the cameras...
[...]
Anyways, so I realize that Senator Palpatine was using the Trade Federation to create a crisis to advance himself politically; like that was the plot I think? But the conflict from the blockade and the subsequent invasion is the entire movie! Understanding what role the Trade Federation played in this, is important...
When/ell you know what the blockade was about, who was getting taxed, what kinda supplies were so crucial to the Naboo - what was it, like medical supplies? Just some kinda plague? Did they not have the capacity to survive on such a lush planet with a huge power reactor for one day without space trade?
You see I would've accepted the idea of some kinda mystery villain if the basics were at least clear...
So at this point it makes sense to examine how clear or not clear these "basics" are made to the viewer - and, to the extent that it is made clear, in what ways that information is conveyed.
The 1st point was:
"-the basic setup of the Republic and its government (mainly the Senate)"
Plinkett: SW Ep2
Number 2: The audience is expected to accept too many things that we are, and are not told.
[...]
So after we're told that Obi-Wan and Anakin are friends based on all the events that happened that we didn't get to see - we're then expected to know a few things without being told them;
two very integral components of the film: Intergalactic Space Politics; and The Jedi.
Now let's talk about what we DO know.
We know that the Jedi are a Order of Knights that live in a Temple on Coruscant;
then the Galactic Senate is a big collection of representatives from thousands of systems that all meet in a big mushroom and vote on things - a large, corrupt, and impotent United Nations in space. I'll explain the impotence later.
The only other branches of the Republic / Galactic / central / Coruscant government that are ever brought up are:
the "Supreme Court", or "the Courts" - mentioned once per film:
SW Ep1
Palpatine: "Our only other choice would be to submit a plea to the Courts."
Amidala: "The Courts take even longer to decide things than the Senate!"
SW Ep2
Sio Bibble: "It's outrageous - but after four trials in the Supreme Court, Nute Gunray is still the Viceroy of the Trade Federation. I fear the Senate is powerless to resolve this crisis..."
SW Ep3
"You can't - he must stand trial."
"He has control of the Senate and the Courts - he's too dangerous to be left alive!"
and the "Congress", which is once mentioned in Ep1'sopening crawl:
SW Ep1
"While the Congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict...."
Presumably the legislature - however "congress" can mean various things and it's not clear;
even the possibility that in this universe, "Congress" is just another name for the Senate, can't really be discounted.
The Supreme Chancellor seems to be the "leader" of the Republic, and, specifically, of the Senate as well.
This basic hierarchy is rather clearly shown both via the visually unambiguous structure of the Senate room, as well as its correspondingly clear session procedures:
the Chancellor in the center at the top, and the Senators all on platforms arranged in an even circle around him - supposed to speak only when he "recognizes" them:
SW Ep1
Valorum: "The Chair recognizes the Senator from the sovereign system of Naboo."
Palpatine: "Supreme Chancellor, delegates of the Senate - a tragedy has occurred, which started right here with the taxation of trade routes, and has now engulfed our entire planet in the oppression of the Trade Federation."
"This is outrageous! I object to the Senator's statements!"
Valorum: "The Chair does not recognize the Senator from the Trade Federation at this time!"
Then there's the "bureaucrats" - two of them seen standing next to Valorum, slightly below him, and occasionally whispering things into his ears;
by the looks of it, acting as his "advisors" and clearly supposed to be below him in the hierarchy as well:
"If I may say so, Your Majesty, the Chancellor has little real power - he is mired by... baseless accusations of corruption; the bureaucrats are in charge now."
"What options have we?"
"Our best choice would be to push for the election of a stronger Supreme Chancellor, one who could control the bureaucrats - and give us justice.
You... could call for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum."
"I object! There is no proof!
This is incredible. We recommend a commission be sent to Naboo to ascertain the truth!"
"The Congress of Malastare concurs with the honourable delegate from the Trade Federation - a commission must be appointed!"
Valorum: "The point..."
Mas Amedda: "Excuse me, Chancellor."
"Enter the bureaucrats - the true rulers of the Republic; and on the payroll of the Trade Federation, I might add.
[Valorum exchanges words with the other bureaucrat]
This is where Chancellor Valorum's strength will disappear."
Valorum: "The point is conceded. Will you defer your motion to allow a commission to explore the validity of your accusations?"
"I will not defer - I've come before you to resolve this attack on our sovereignty NOW. I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die, while you discuss this invasion in a committee!
If this body is not capable of action... I suggest new leadership is needed; I move for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum's leadership."
"Vote now! Vote now!"
Mas Amedda: "Order!"
"Now, they will elect a new Chancellor... a strong Chancellor - one who will not let our tragedy continue."
Valorum being "weak" and "mired by baseless accusations", and therefore succumbing to these bureaucrats, is presented as a deviation from how things are supposed to be - which is the Chancellor on top, controlling the bureaucrats.
"I fear by the time you have control of the bureaucrats, Senator - there'll be nothing left of our people, our way of life."
Of course according to basic democratic ideals, an elected leader absolutely should have authority over (or more authority than) unelected bureaucrats - however whether or to what extent he should be lording over senators, representatives, or even common citizens, is nowhere as clear-cut;
on the "representative democracy" side of this spectrum, he should have significant authority except for being subject to elections by those he rules over - while closer to the "direct democracy" end of the spectrum, the main power is supposed to reside in the people who continue to vote on policy inbetween voting in the elections, and the "elected leader" has very limited power despite still retaining an official status of "authority".
(Of course moving further and further toward the more radical versions of "direct democracy", that "authority status" and "concept of hierarchy" eventually gets abandoned, until the "elected leader" disappears altogether - however that's no longer relevant in the context of these movies.)
Perhaps in accordance with the latter kind of ideal, while all the lines in this movie that revolve around the "bureaucrats" and the Chancellor promote the Chancellor's authority over them, all the lines that revolve around the Senate, or the Senate and the Chancellor, paint the Senate as the main decision-maker:
Sidious: "I have the Senate bogged down in procedures - they will have no choice but to accept your control of the system."
Gunray: "The Queen has great faith that the Senate will side with her..."
Sidious: "Queen Amidala is young and naive - you will find controlling her will not be difficult."
Sio Bibble: "Our only hope is for the Senate to side with us - Senator Palpatine will need your help!"
Anakin: "You seem sad..."
Padme: "The Queen is worried - her people are suffering, dying.
She must convince the Senate to intervene, or... I'm not sure what'll happen."
The Chancellor isn't even mentioned as a factor here.
SW Ep1:
"There is no civility - only politics.
The Republic is not what it once was. The Senate is full of greedy, squabbling delegates. There is no interest in the common good.
I must be frank, Your Majesty, there is little chance the Senate will act on the invasion."
"Chancellor Valorum seems to think there is hope?"
"You... could call for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum."
"He's been our strongest supporter!"
All the Chancellor can do according to these lines, is assess the Senate's willingness to intervene (just like Palpatine is claiming to do - except his assessment is pessimistic while Valorum's is somewhat optimstic), be a "supporter" of one potential decision over another - and maybe try to somehow influence the Senate's attitudes and moral character:
"It is clear to me now that the Republic no longer functions - I pray you will bring sanity and compassion back to the Senate."
So this ultimately amounts to two entirely different, and seemingly mutually contradictory scenarios co-existing in this movie:
In one, the just, strong Chancellor has to replace the weakened just Chancellor and take his rightful democratic power back from the corrupt, villain-supporting bureaucrats, enabling him to intervene in illegal invasions once more - the idealistic (majority of the) Senate enthusiastically supporting this Chancellor replacement and siding with the Queen after her rousing speech;
while in the other, the just, strong Chancellor has to replace the weakened just Chancellor and try to successfully persuade the (majority of) the fallen-from-grace-democracy Senate to return to their former moral/ethical ideals, so that this reformed, once-more-idealistic-democracy Senate then can start agreeing to intervene in illegal invasions and side with the Queen.
In one, saving the just democracy from the corrupt unelected bureaucrats - in the other, trying to restore a decayed, amoral democracy into a just democracy.
The Senate does enthusiastically side with Amidala:
"I will not defer - I've come before you to resolve this attack on our sovereignty NOW. I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die, while you discuss this invasion in a committee!
If this body is not capable of action... I suggest new leadership is needed; I move for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum's leadership."
"Vote now! Vote now!"
Mas Amedda: "Order!"
"Now, they will elect a new Chancellor... a strong Chancellor - one who will not let our tragedy continue."
But then after this directly leads to Palpatine's imminent election, she still laments the Senate's amoral, apathetic state:
"It is clear to me now that the Republic no longer functions - I pray you will bring sanity and compassion back to the Senate."
Because these are two mutually contradictory continuities taking place in one movie:
"I fear by the time you have control of the bureaucrats, Senator - there'll be nothing left of our people, our way of life."
"I understand your concern, Your Majesty - unfortunately, the Federation has possession of our planet."
"... Senator - this is your arena; I feel I must return to mine.
I've decided to go back to Naboo."
[...]
"Please, Your Majesty, stay here, where it's safe!"
"It is clear to me now that the Republic no longer functions - I pray you will bring sanity and compassion back to the Senate."
In one, she takes matters into her own hands because even though they're about to successfully subdue the bureaucrats who've been standing in the way of an intervention, it'll still take too long for this urgent crisis - in the other, she takes matters into her own hands because the "Republic no longer functions", the Senate's degraded state being what stands in the way of an intervention, and its restoration into a body that would intervene in a crisis like this, is a vague remote hope at best.
There are more details and aspects here that'll be examined later - for now, the main point is that even though the actual power distribution between the Chancellor and the Senate is unclear and even outright self-contradictory (just like the precise nature of its decay and dysfunctionality), its basic hierarchy and structure is still clear enough to conclude point
"-the basic setup of the Republic and its government (mainly the Senate);"
and start examining points
"-the Trade Federation's general position and role in it;
-and specifically regarding the immediate plot, the nature of the taxation and the subsequent blockade (as it's understood by the Senate, the Jedi, and the Naboo officials (and possibly the general public as well))":
Plinkett: SW Ep1
P2 of 7
[...]
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
[...]
So the Jedis are there to do what exactly? According to the opening title crawl it was to "settle... a dispute, over the taxation of... trade routes".
...
Oh.
So what makes the Jedi Knights experts in intergalactic trade laws?
So the Trade Federation have set up a blockade around... Naboo, in order to stop them from getting space supplies - which instantly causes some kinda... crisis? - that we never see.
[record scratch]
Okay.… ..... I don't get it:
Why would an organization called The Trade Federation wanna blockade trade? Ric Olié: "There's the blockade!" Usually a blockade is to stop something you don't want to get in?
You see we once set up a naval blockade around Cuba - to stop the Russians from setting up missile launchers there.
It was a little event you might've heard of; wasn't a big deal, you know? - but you might've heard of it it was called WORLD WAR ONE?!
Geez you stupid people gotta learn your history right...
So if the Trade Federation were like merchants, moving goods and services around the Galaxy, then why did they seem more like a military, with armies of robots?
However if they were like a bureaucracy that was in charge of overseeing and regulating trade routes - you'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes - unless all the taxes went straight to like a Space Obama, and they didn't see any of it?
The point is I'm still not sure what the doughnut ships were there to do.
And don't any of you f*****s tell me that it was explained more in the novelization or some Star Wars book... What matters is the movie.
[...]
Anyways, so I realize that Senator Palpatine was using the Trade Federation to create a crisis to advance himself politically; like that was the plot I think? But the conflict from the blockade and the subsequent invasion is the entire movie! Understanding what role the Trade Federation played in this, is important...
When/ell you know what the blockade was about, who was getting taxed, what kinda supplies were so crucial to the Naboo - what was it, like medical supplies? Just some kinda plague? Did they not have the capacity to survive on such a lush planet with a huge power reactor for one day without space trade?
You see I would've accepted the idea of some kinda mystery villain if the basics were at least clear...
The big problem with his segment is that Plinkett engages in all this speculation and guesswork without going through all the information presented in the movie(s) - effectively changing
And don't any of you f*****s tell me that it was explained more in the novelization or some Star Wars book... What matters is the movie.
into
And don't any of you f*****s tell me that it was explained more in the novelization or some Star Wars book or some other parts of the movie ... What matters is only these other parts of the movie.
And in addition to just merely not combing through all the information, he also fails to think certain things through - the very things that he brings up and is discussing.
So for instance, just merely stopping to think about the name "Trade Federation" would've prevented him from wondering
-why or how this merchant organization could/would possibly "seem like a military", or
-whether they might be a "bureaucracy" within the Republic government - or within any government for that matter;
and looking through the further information connected to the Trade Federation (that wasn't featured in this review segment) would've prevented him from asking these particular questions, framed and phrased in this particular way, even more:
So if the Trade Federation were like merchants, moving goods and services around the Galaxy, then why did they seem more like a military, with armies of robots?
However if they were like a bureaucracy that was in charge of overseeing and regulating trade routes - you'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes - unless all the taxes went straight to like a Space Obama, and they didn't see any of it?
As the very name "Trade Federation" suggests, this organization is some sort of company / nation state hybrid.
It has certain features of a (nation) state:
-They're called a "Federation".
-Their leader is called a "Viceroy".
-They seem to have a membership exclusively composed of Neimoidians - just as, conversely, all Neimoidians shown on screen are Trade Federation members;
and they seem to even have a home planet / system / territory of some kind, called "Neimoidia" (or at least that's half of its name) (not clear if it's their entire or part of their home territory), going by this blink-and-you'll-miss-it line:
SW Ep3
"Alright... - but you owe me one; and not for saving your skin for the 10th time."
"9th time - that business on Cato Neimoidia doesn't.. doesn't count. I'll see you at the briefing."
This suggests that they may have started out as a regular species-on-a-planet society, and then increasingly started focusing their activities on trade, achieving massive success and distinguishing themselves in the Republic, until that became their (virtually? primarily?) sole hat planet business that they came to be known for, and they eventually "made it official" - while still retaining some aspects of their former nation state status;
possibly even with some kind of regular society going on.
-And they have a Senator in the Senate, seemingly having the same status there as Naboo, Kashyyk and every other "regular" Republic member floating platform:
SW Ep1
Valorum: "The Chair recognizes the Senator from the sovereign system of Naboo."
Palpatine: "Supreme Chancellor, delegates of the Senate - a tragedy has occurred, which started right here with the taxation of trade routes, and has now engulfed our entire planet in the oppression of the Trade Federation."
"This is outrageous! I object to the Senator's statements!"
Valorum: "The Chair does not recognize the Senator from the Trade Federation at this time!"
: functioning as a state internally, and functioning as a Republic member state externally.
And it has certain features of a business entity / company / corporation:
-They're called a "Trade" organization.
-Der Name ist Programm, by all looks - everything they're shown or told to be doing (that isn't a secret hidden action done as part of their collaboration with the mystery villain, at least) and their every stated motivation (as understood by the Republic / Naboo / Jedi - before their Jedi assassination attempts and the invasion at least) revolves around their trade business interests:
They start the blockade in the context of the "trade routes" (or just the ones "to outlying star systems") getting taxed:
"The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation"
And their "blockade" + "trade boycott" scheme is there to halt all trade between Naboo and everyone else:
"Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo."The "boycott" presumably being the cessation of their own trade activities involving Naboo (whatever those may look like - trade they're doing with them themselves, or telling 3rd parties they have control over to cease doing business with Naboo; the transportation of goods between Naboo and their trading partners, performed by either themselves or 3rd parties they have control over), and the "blockade" being there to physically cut them off from any independent trade partners not under Trade Federation control."You will not be so pleased when you hear what I have to say, Viceroy: Your trade boycott of our planet has ended."
Given the apparently already significant weight of the "boycott" component of it, the Trade Federation obviously has a high degree of monopoly - but evidently not high enough to not have to worry about competition;
however their ability and willingness to use their own military force to block that competition from undermining their boycott, even if just on this local level, makes them into a "dystopian megacorporation" that can achieve a forced, artificial full monopoly.
They're also the only ones mentioned to be negatively affected by that trade routes taxation - if they are, that would mean they're the only ones using those routes "to outlying star systems", for whatever reasons, and may have a specific monopoly in that area as well.
Although in this case it's also possible that they were the only ones "greedy" enough to start protesting against it - or at least in such an extreme fashion;
however their ability to pull this off via the boycott as well as the blockade is, as just mentioned, testament to both their high degree of market monopoly as well as their "dystopian megacorp" status, respectively.
-And they have a "trade franchise" under the authority of the Senate that their entire existence (or something close to it) depends upon:
Amidala: "The Federation would not dare go that far!"
Panaka: "The Senate would revoke their trade franchise - and they'd be finished."
Doing nothing else other their specific kind of business, getting business licenses from the Republic government that regulates them - these all sound like traits of a company, again internally as well as externally to the Republic.
So they're a "state/company hybrid" both in their internal setup and activity, as well as in their relation to the Senate and Republic.
-Unlike the Naboo, whose regular citizens are shown at the ending celebration:
Plinkett: SW Ep1
Number 10: On to Planet Number 3. Is it time for death yet?
[...]
In fact I haven't even seen any Naboo citizen at all - as far as I know it's a city with 20 or so pilots, a couple of bureaucrats and officials.
, in addition of being talked about all the time:
Plinkett: SW Ep1
Number 10: On to Planet Number 3. Is it time for death yet?
[...]
So the Queen waits around for some kind of approval, o-.. for something, to stop her people from dying-
Why are they dying? I guess they're dying though...
But I didn't see anyone die?
SW Ep1
"I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die, while you discuss this invasion in a committee!"
, the only Neimoidians shown on screen are the leaders, delegates, military controllers, and whoever those officials were who were standing around in the Naboo throne room during the occupation - no such thing as "regular Neimoidian civilians" are ever shown or even hinted to exist.
While it's possible that those all exist and just weren't shown, it's also possible the entire Neimoidian population works in the organization, raised into this occupation from an early age.
Maybe a Neimoidian can only become a citizen of Neimoidia by enlisting in the Trade Federation.
Or: it's also conceivable that the regular Neimoidians on (Cato) Neimoidia don't really have any ties to the Trade Federation anymore - that it started out as a local business company within that Neimoidian state, but then broke away to become a company within the Republic;
contiuing to recruit some of the left-behind Neimoidians into their organization every now and then, and not accepting any members from other species.
Adopting state-like features at some point - perhaps even specifically as some sort of attempt to recreate aspects of their original society and become its breakaway successor, if it was a monarchy.
Plinkett audio commentary: SW Ep1
So everybody arrives at Coruscant - the planet that's a giant city.
Or is it a giant city that's a planet?
Oh my god, my head hurts...
Which one came first?!
"Um, clearly the planet came first you fool... The people evolved over time and then built cities everywheeere."
How do you know? Maybe they built a giant city in the shape of a planet - you know, just like the Death Star; that was a sphere...
"Look moron, I have the technical manuals at home, it says Coruscant was originally hawme to the Mandalorians over 10 million eons ago."
Bobafett's race is a Midichlorian?..
"No, Mandalorian - the Boba Fett race!"
What..? Mandolins?
"No that's an instrument..."
Barbara Mandrell?
"No, that's a singer."
What is Jango Fett then, I thought he was a Mexican guy...
"Jango Fett is also a Mandalorian, there were lots of Mandalorians!"
Do Mandalorians drive DeLoreans?
"What"
So what would happen if a Mandalorian and Barbara Mandrell drove a DeLorean while playing mandolins?
"All those circumstances would be impossible to coexist."
Let me ask you this, what came first the chicken or the egg?
"The chicken of COURSE, or else how would the egg get laid?!"
A better question is: how will you get laid!
Some of the Neimoidians perform some kind of military controller tasks and even have military ranks:
Nute Gunray: "Seal off the bridge!"
"Yes, sir."
Rune Haako: "That won't be enough, sir..."
Nute Gunray: "I want Droidekas up here at once!"While it's possible that the latter was only in the context of having joined the Separatists and fighting in their war,Grievous: "What's the situation, Captain?" Neimoidian: "Two Jedi have landed in the main hangar bay - we're tracking them!"
still talks and acts like a military subordinate, so that isn't particularly relevant.Plinkett audio commentary: SW Ep1
the what's-wrong-with-your-face lady
An established military practice and culture is a rather apparent state-like feature, and would also be very congruent with the notion of the Trade Federation having originated as a state;
in that kind of scenario, they may have had Neimoidians as soldiers at some point, and then replaced all except the highest ranks with droids.
Those droids and their big ships being called "battleships" and "battle droids" also contributes to giving them a state-like appearance:
And not only are they named that way, but they've also apparently seen a good amount of real battle before:
"This is a dangerous situation, Your Highness. Our security volunteers will be no match against a/the battle-hardened Federation army."
"I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war."
Smaller, local wars have taken place before - and in their capacity as a nation state, the Trade Federation may have participated in some of them.SW Ep2
Padme: "If the Senate votes to create an army, I'm sure it's going to push us into a civil war."
Sio Bibble: "It's unthinkable! There hasn't been a full-scale war since the formation of the Republic!"
Battles against powerful crime organizations (whether "on their own territory" or not) are also conceivable.
Who produces these battledroids isn't made clear or hinted at in Ep1;
in Ep2, two consecutive scenes give seemingly contradictory answers to this question:
SW Ep2
Dooku: "We must persuade the Commerce Guild and the Corporate Alliance to sign the treaty."
Nute Gunray: "What about the Senator from Naboo? Is she... dead yet? I'm not signing your treaty until I have her head on my desk!"
Dooku: "I am a man of my word, Viceroy."
Techno Union leader: "With these new battle droids we've built for you, you'll have the finest army in the galaxy."
[...]
Techno Union leader: "The Techno Union army [electronic warbling] is at your disposal, Count."
Banking Clan leader: "The Banking Clan will sign your treaty!"
Dooku: "Good, very good. Our friends from the Trade Federation have pledged their support - and when their battle droids are combined with yours, we shall have an army greater than any in the Galaxy. The Jedi will be overwhelmed. The Republic will agree to any demands we make."
Here it looks like the Trade Federation produce them themselves (or at least already have them when they're bringing them to the table) - just like the Techno Union.
This would mean they built/provided and are the ones running the droid factory on Geonosis - whether from the beginning or between Ep1 and Ep2, whether it's their only droid factory or not, is completely unknown.
However when Obi-Wan relays this overheard information in his message, he says the Federation is "taking delivery of a droid army there", while the other organizations have given theirs to Dooku (with no mention of the Techno Union - the only party who explicitly said anything about pledging their army; so this could indicate that these 2 scenes take place in different continuities):
Which would mean that Geonosians are the ones that build their droids for them - either always have been, or at least in this particular instance.SW Ep2
I have tracked the bounty hunter Jango Fett to the droid foundries on Geonosis. The Trade Federation is to take delivery of a droid army here - and it is clear that Viceroy Gunray is behind the assassination attempts on Senator Amidala.
The Commerce Guilds and the Corporate Alliance have both pledged their armies to Count Dooku, and are forming a-..
Wait... Wait..."
Also the way Obi-Wan talks about "the droid foundries on Geonosis" implies that this factory on Geonosis is already common knowledge;
which seems to be contradicted by this earlier remark:
He seems to be surprised to find an above-average Trade Federation presence on the planet with the "droid foundries"?"There's an unusual concentration of Federation ships over there, R4."
Those Federation battleships look a lot like the Death Star - which is later shown to have been designed by the Geonosians:
"[Speaking in Geonosian] I'm sending my warriors to hide in the catacombs. The Jedi must not find our designs for the ultimate weapon. If they find out what we are planning to build, we're doomed.
"I will take the designs with me to Coruscant - they will be much safer there with my Master."
Which only increases the possibility that they may be the manufacturers of the Federation's battleships as well - and would contradict Obi-Wan's surprised reaction even more.
Either way, whether they produce their battleships and droids themselves, or outsource their production to / buy them from others, all those scenarios are congruent with them being a state - they'd be expected to have an industry and factories on their planet/system, as well as potentially import products manufactured somewhere else.
And they're also equally congruent with them being company, or megacorporation - they'd obviously have the money to buy or commission such technology;
and they could also have a 2nd function as tech manufacturers in addition to "trade" - either exclusively for their own benefit, or potentially also being able to sell them to other parties.
Against whom they're supposed to have fought those army-hardening battles in their capacity as a company, may be a bit less obvious:
Seems like the scenario of a company vs. nation state "war" is conceivable to them;Panaka: "This is a dangerous situation, Your Highness. Our security volunteers will be no match against a/the battle-hardened Federation army."
Amidala: "I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war."
and aside from that, conflicts with crime syndicates or other competing megacorporations with private armies are all relatively easy to imagine.
The only aspect of their military setup that doesn't automatically make sense as a "megacorp trait" is
Grievous: "What's the situation, Captain?" Neimoidian: "Two Jedi have landed in the main hangar bay - we're tracking them!"
While it could be that they developed this military practice in their organization over time, perhaps due to the droids lacking the intelligence needed for the higher control / coordination positions, or some other practical reasons, ultimately, without additional information, this is best categorized as a trait of a state government rather than that of a company.
That aside however, their robot army and military prowess doubles as a feature of either.
At the end of the day, the question here isn't whether the Trade Federation is a company/megacorporation or a nation state, or whether they may have originated as either and then morphed into their current form somehow - the relevant conclusion here is merely that they're some sort of hybrid of both, combining typical traits of either in not further specified ways.
"Here, Master - Tatooine. It's small, out of the way, poor; the Trade Federation have no presence there."
Panaka: "How can you be sure?"
Qui-Gon: "It's controlled by the Hutts."
Panaka: "You can't take Her Royal Highness there, the Hutts are gangsters! If they discovered her-"
Qui-Gon: "...It'd be no different than if we landed on a system controlled by the Federation; except that the Hutts aren't looking for her - which gives us the advantage."
Qui-Gon: "Your Highness - with your permission, we're heading for a remote planet called Tatooine; it's in a system far beyond the reach of the Trade Federation."
According to these 2 scenes, they have "control" over / a "presence" on what sounds like a good amount of wealthy / big / close to the capital(?) planets/systems, and even some "poor" / "small" / "remote"/"out-of-the-way" ones (that aren't controlled by a comparably powerful mob organization), and a significant though limited "reach".
The already mentioned remark by Obi-Wan when seeing their battleships on the Geonosis surface:
seems to be consistent with this image as well - since it implies that there's a "usual" concentration of them that can be expected to be found on a random planet without being further remarkable.SW Ep2
"There's an unusual concentration of Federation ships over there, R4."
What kind or extent of "control" that is, isn't further explained - however if the 2 Jedi as well as Panaka (reluctantly, as it may be) all agree that landing on such a place would be dangerous, this means that the Federation is openly known to potentially have at the very least enough power there to arrest anyone they want without any effective (or at least fast enough) intervention or protection by either the local forces or the Republic government;
whatever the laws on paper may be saying otherwise, this is how it is in practice - apparently in some ways comparable to the situation on Tatooine:
Padme: "I can't believe there's still slavery in the galaxy - the Republic's anti-slavery laws are-"
Shmi: "The Republic doesn't exist out here - we must survive on our own."
Panaka: "You can't take Her Royal Highness there, the Hutts are gangsters! If they discovered her-"
Qui-Gon: "...It'd be no different than if we landed on a system controlled by the Federation; except that the Hutts aren't looking for her - which gives us the advantage."
As a "business" company that, while officially operating within and under the authority of the Republic, has displaced the official government authority on significant parts of its territory to such an extent (if not more), the Trade Federation now provides another reason to categorize them as a "dystopian megacorporation - in addition to their boycott-enhancement abilities, that is;
whereas if viewed in its capacity as a state, this control over lots of other systems would make the Federation into some kind of unofficial proto-empire, growing within the Republic and displacing its territorial sovereignty.
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[...]
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
[...]
So if the Trade Federation were like merchants, moving goods and services around the Galaxy, then why did they seem more like a military, with armies of robots?
However if they were like a bureaucracy that was in charge of overseeing and regulating trade routes - you'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes - unless all the taxes went straight to like a Space Obama, and they didn't see any of it?
This question is a bit like asking "if Omni Consumer Products were like robotics manufacturers, producing and selling robots to people, then why did they seem more like a corrupt megacorporation, with its Senior President hiring cop killing criminals to murder colleagues?" - to which the answer would be, "well, because they are a megacorporation, rather than just some small factory."
The Trade Federation is a single-species merchant (and possibly, 50%-50%, also droid-manufacturing) megacorporation / nation state hybrid, led by a Neimoidian Viceroy, running a "battledroid" army controlled by Neimoidian "Captains", with a Senator in the Republic Senate as well as a trade franchise granted by that same Senate, and having some kind/degree of sovereign "control" over a bunch of wealthy Republic systems - if they were just a merchant corporation that operated like an aggressive military, there'd be as good as nothing left to explain;
this way, however, the way their company&state combo works could very well use some further elaboration, but with the latter as a given - established in a rather glaring fashion by them being called a "Federation", having a robed "Viceroy" as well as a "Senator" - the question why they "seem like a military" becomes redundant.
However if they were like a bureaucracy that was in charge of overseeing and regulating trade routes - you'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes - unless all the taxes went straight to like a Space Obama, and they didn't see any of it?
As a nation state member of the Republic, as well as a company regulated by the Republic that grants and revokes their trade franchise, them simultaneously also being a "bureaucracy" within the Republic government that regulates trade would be extremely absurd in a way that them being a company-state isn't at all - however even assuming them being like Edmund Blackadder in the "Dish and Dishonesty" election would theoretically be possible in this government (such as the executives of a megacorporation-state getting additional positions as officials in the government, while retaining their status as a "Federation" under, and now also simultaneously as a part of the Republic Government, and then getting to regulate companies or trade while their own business is getting regulated by the Senate), there's nothing in the movies to suggest this being the case;
whereas there is a thing that all but confirms this not being the case:
Would Palpatine talk about these "bureaucrats" in the Republic government being "on the payroll of the Trade Federation" if the Trade Federation was ALSO a bureaucracy within that same government?"I object! There is no proof!
This is incredible. We recommend a commission be sent to Naboo to ascertain the truth!"
"The Congress of Malastare concurs with the honourable delegate from the Trade Federation - a commission must be appointed!"
Valorum: "The point..."
Mas Amedda: "Excuse me, Chancellor."
Palpatine: "Enter the bureaucrats - the true rulers of the Republic; and on the payroll of the Trade Federation, I might add."
Or say "enter the bureaucrats" in reaction to Mas Amedda, after the Trade Federation Senator has already just made 2 loud entrances?
"Unfortunately the other bureaucracy in our government (not the one that currently controls the Chancellor and I'm planning to take back control over, but the other one that pays this one off but doesn't control the Chancellor; etc.) has possession of our planet.""I fear by the time you have control of the bureaucrats, Senator - there'll be nothing left of our people, our way of life."
"I understand your concern, Your Majesty - unfortunately, the Federation has possession of our planet."
And of course there isn't any remotely valid reason for Plinkett to resort to this absurd speculation (which he, as seen above, doesn't realize the absurdity of, due to having missed/forgotten all these pieces of information about the Trade Federation as well as the bureaucrats) in the first place:
His thought process seems to be, "they can hardly be merchants if they look like a military - if they're a military, they have to be a government, and that can only mean the Republic government - but since that government taxed the trade routes, wouldn't the Trade Federation be potential recipients of those new taxes, rather than being the ones who have to pay them?"
Obviously there are massive errors in each of those steps:
-they don't "seem more like a military than like a merchant group", as if the two were somehow mutually exclusive - them being a "military merchant corporation" isn't a contradiction;
and it wouldn't be a contradiction even if they were just a megacorporation without state-like features;
-even if rolling with the premise that them "seeming like a military" somehow would necessitate them being some kind of government, that doesn't necessitate them being part of the central Republic government on Coruscant - they can easily be the government of a local society under the Republic government - like Naboo is, for instance;
and as it happens, that's what they are: a Federation run by a "Viceroy".
Also - if they were somehow a part of the Republic government, this would have to mean that "their" battledroids really belong to the Republic government - at least by default.
Yet, just like there isn't a single hint at the Federation being part of the Republic government, there also isn't a single hint at those battledroids (or any battle droids, for that matter) somehow also being a Republic force, or really being anything other than exclusively the Trade Federation's.
"Honourable representatives of the Republic - I come to you under the gravest of circumstances. The Naboo system has been invaded by the droid armies of the Trade-"
"I object! There is no proof!
This is incredible. We recommend a commission be sent to Naboo to ascertain the truth!"
A rogue bureaucracy with its own private robot army that the rest of the government they're a part of doesn't get to control, is simply not a scenario that exists in this movie(s) in any form.
However:
With the "control" that the Federation has over all those planets/systems, it appears that they've, to some unspecified degree, assumed the functions of parallel government in at least those territories - presumably not (officially) extending that to any area outside of "trade".
So while not a bureaucracy in the Republic government that "oversees and regulates trade (routes"):
, they may very well function, or have the ambitions to function, as a parallel government distinct from the Republic government (again, as a local "nation state" with imperialistic features, and/or as a power-gaining megacorporation), doing something similar to "overseeing and regulating trade" (and who knows what in addition to that) at least within a limited territory.However if they were like a bureaucracy that was in charge of overseeing and regulating trade routes - you'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes -
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[...]
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
[...]
So if the Trade Federation were like merchants, moving goods and services around the Galaxy, then why did they seem more like a military, with armies of robots?
However if they were like a bureaucracy that was in charge of overseeing and regulating trade routes - you'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes - unless all the taxes went straight to like a Space Obama, and they didn't see any of it?
The point is I'm still not sure what the doughnut ships were there to do.
[...]
Understanding what role the Trade Federation played in this, is important...
When/ell you know what the blockade was about, who was getting taxed,
Here's what's known about the taxation:
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[...]
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
[...]
So the Jedis are there to do what exactly? According to the opening title crawl it was to "settle... a dispute, over the taxation of... trade routes".
...
Oh.
SW Ep1
"The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo."
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Number 2: The Story
[...]
Hey idiot - you're not making "The Usual Suspects" here; you're making a movie for children, right?
Palpatine: "Supreme Chancellor; delegates of the Senate. A tragedy has occurred - which started right here with the taxation of trade routes, and has now engulfed our entire planet in the oppression of the-"
-The trade routes (the ones "to outlying star systems") got taxed.
-The decision to impose these taxes happened "right here" i.e. in the Senate.
-This taxation is "in dispute".
-The "greedy" Trade Federation is trying to prevent an outcome of this matter in which they're gonna be poorer, and instead realise the alternative outcome in which they'll be richer.
Based on these snippets of information, there are 2 different possibilities:
The 1st and most apparent one is that the Senate imposed these taxes on anyone using those trade routes, to pay them to the Republic government - and the Trade Federation being a frequent (if not main, or even exclusive) user of those trade routes, they'll have to pay those taxes if this decision isn't reversed (or are already expected to pay them);
so they're "disputing" this decision (possibly along with some others also using those routes), and are trying to "resolve the matter" by having it reversed and this new taxation abolished again.
The 2nd is that the Trade Federation has already achieved such a "parallel government megacorporation" status that they can officially collect trade "taxes" from other Republic members if the Senate decides so - or even worse, they themselves have the power to impose such taxes;
so in this scenario, the Senate has decided that anyone using those trade routes has to pay taxes to the Trade Federation, or the Trade Federation has decided to exercise this available option - this then gets "disputed" by those who don't wish to pay those taxes to the Trade Federation, and the Trade Federation is trying to "resolve the matter" by preventing such a reversal and keeping these new taxes.
This 2nd scenario requires the additional assumption that the Republic Government, already able to tax its members (as one would expect it to be able to), also officially acknowledges the Trade Federation as a parallel government within the Republic that, while still answering to them, also gets to collect a second type of taxes that doesn't go to the Republic government - so it can mostly be disregarded as a much less likely scenario.
However the point is that even if both scenarios are considered, the Trade Federation's (officially known) motivation is firmly established to be "greed", and whatever they're specifically aiming to achieve with that blockade - whether it's reversing this taxation so they don't have to pay, or upholding it so they get to collect the payments - it's about getting/retaining money in either of the 2 cases.
So there is no possible scenario in which they're supposed to be "happy" - because they're already firmly established as being unhappy with the situation (i.e. "hoping to resolve the matter"):
However if they were like a bureaucracy that was in charge of overseeing and regulating trade routes - you'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes - unless all the taxes went straight to like a Space Obama, and they didn't see any of it?
Even if they're the recipients of these new space taxes, and would be happy with receiving these taxes and then continuing to receive them, in that case they're unhappy with this taxation being "in dispute" - and the prospect of losing those taxes again.
Ironically, Plinkett's statement that it was "unclear who was getting taxed"
However if they were like a bureaucracy that was in charge of overseeing and regulating trade routes - you'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes - unless all the taxes went straight to like a Space Obama, and they didn't see any of it?
[...]
Understanding what role the Trade Federation played in this, is important...
When/ell you know what the blockade was about, who was getting taxed,
happens to be somewhat/technically true, but not for the reason he seemed to think so:
He seems to think this because according to him, there's a possibility (or even, God forbid, a necessity - due to the Trade Federation being like a military) that the Trade Federation is a part of the Republic government which was taxing other trade route users not part of the Trade Federation - which is completely unfounded.
However, due to the obvious things about the "Trade Federation" that he had failed to consider just in the preceding sentence:
, namely the concept of the "power grabbing army-equipped megacorporation" as well as the "Federation" being part nation state,So if the Trade Federation were like merchants, moving goods and services around the Galaxy, then why did they seem more like a military, with armies of robots?
as well as the information he never mentioned anywhere, and likely missed, about them "having control" over multiple star systems, and therefore showing (proto-?)imperialistic traits:
"Here, Master - Tatooine. It's small, out of the way, poor; the Trade Federation have no presence there."
Panaka: "How can you be sure?"
Qui-Gon: "It's controlled by the Hutts."
Panaka: "You can't take Her Royal Highness there, the Hutts are gangsters! If they discovered her-"
Qui-Gon: "...It'd be no different than if we landed on a system controlled by the Federation; except that the Hutts aren't looking for her - which gives us the advantage."
Qui-Gon: "Your Highness - with your permission, we're heading for a remote planet called Tatooine; it's in a system far beyond the reach of the Trade Federation."
, this alternative scenario of "the Federation being the tax collectors instead of the tax payers" does exist in the film - even though, to reiterate this once more, since both the "taxation" and the "dispute" can be read as being the cause of the Federation's discontent, their motivation to protest against this source via the blockade remains a constant.
However, as already stated, despite the phrasing in the opening crawl and Palpatine's speech technically allowing this 2nd interpretation, and no further information on this anywhere in the movie, it seems to be quite safe to go with the 1st default option - that they were, indeed, merchants (or, more specifically, a merchant megacorporation / nation state) unhappy with having to pay these new taxes for using those trade routes.
The point is I'm still not sure what the doughnut ships were there to do.
[...]
what the blockade was about,
The blockade was started in the hope of resolving the taxation dispute in their favor.
The doughnut ships were there to
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[...]
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
[...]
So the Trade Federation have set up a blockade around... Naboo, in order to stop them from getting space supplies
"Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo."
Since it's also described as a "trade boycott":
, as elaborated earlier, it would seem that they're boycotting the Naboo themselves, and are using the blockade to stop them from receiving / bringing in anything from other trading partners.
The "shipping" that they're stopping from reaching Naboo, obviously includes import goods, but may also include export money.
Other than obviously designed as some sort of pressure (possibly with a component of military intimidation, or not), further details are unknown.
So the Trade Federation have set up a blockade around... Naboo, in order to stop them from getting space supplies - which instantly causes some kinda... crisis? - that we never see.
[record scratch]
Okay.… ..... I don't get it:
Why would an organization called The Trade Federation wanna blockade trade? Ric Olié: "There's the blockade!" Usually a blockade is to stop something you don't want to get in?
You see we once set up a naval blockade around Cuba - to stop the Russians from setting up missile launchers there.
It was a little event you might've heard of; wasn't a big deal, you know? - but you might've heard of it it was called WORLD WAR ONE?!
Geez you stupid people gotta learn your history right...
In this excerpt, Plinkett either seems to not understand the very basic nature of boycotts / embargoes / sanctions / strikes / and other similar actions (it'd be like asking "why would a labor union wanna stop working? usually people stop doing things they don't want to do?" - to which the obvious response is, they don't want to do it for too little pay), or he seems to have forgotten that that's what the blockade was - that they wanted to use it to put pressure on the Republic government in order to lift the taxation again.
For the Trade Federation to just start blockading trade all of a sudden, for no reason at all, would indeed be absurd - after all, their entire business revolves around goods getting from A to B and them getting money as a result;
however in a situation where they're unhappy with the amount of money they get, and want to pressure others to give them more money - they can stop the shipping to Naboo and tell everyone that it'll only resume if they, the Trade Federation, start getting more money (i.e. no longer have to pay those new taxes, or get to keep their new taxes).
(While this will result in the Trade Federation also no longer getting the money they used to get out of their or others' trade with Naboo (their exact role in said trade is unknown, however it's a reasonable assumption that they were profiting from it - either from directly selling goods to Naboo, or/and indirectly in some way), if they expect the Naboo and the Republic to care more about restoring that trade than they themselves care to keep getting those profits, then they can expect them to cave to their conditions - quickly enough for the Federation's additional profit losses to pale in comparison to their longterm winnings resulting from their preferred tax policy.
If of course this expectation turned out to be a miscalculation, and no one caved to their demands, then they'd only end up losing more money as a result - and if this wrong expectation had been a result of poor reasoning, then their protest action "wouldn't make sense";
cause by blockading this trade, this organization called the Trade Federation would've just lost more money.
Whether that expectation was correct and reasonable, is ultimately not known.)
And it seems like in the directly following segment, Plinkett does suddenly remember that the Trade Federation was "unhappy with the taxation":
Geez you stupid people gotta learn your history right...
So if the Trade Federation were like merchants, moving goods and services around the Galaxy, then why did they seem more like a military, with armies of robots?
However if they were like a bureaucracy that was in charge of overseeing and regulating trade routes - you'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes - unless all the taxes went straight to like a Space Obama, and they didn't see any of it?
The point is I'm still not sure what the doughnut ships were there to do.
But whether he's also realizing that this then does explain "why an organization called The Trade Federation would wanna blockade trade", isn't evident - he may very well have already forgotten about his previous question by this point;
and even if not - the thought process of "why would they want to blockade trade? ah, because they were protesting against that new taxation, right" doesn't particularly make sense, since the crawl mentions the taxation first, and then tells about the blockade as a reaction to that taxation (or to the dispute about the taxation, either way) - if he's strugglingly remembering all this information out of the order it's been introduced in the title crawl, then that means he doesn't remember the title crawl well, nor is really looking at it any longer while "trying to make sense of" these plot points:
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
So when you find yourself thinking things like: "Huh?"; or "What?"; when you're watching how illogical characters act in a movie, it's not really a good sign.
Now I've analyzed this film with a team of cheerleaders - they came up with one unanimous conclusion: that if I let them go, they promise they won't tell nobody.
Anyways - so at the end of the movie Yoda makes Obi-Wan a Jedi Knight:
Yoda: "Confer on you the level of Jedi Knight the Council does."
Even though in the opening titles it says he's a Jedi Knight.
[", the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict...."]
So we'll just call them Jedi Knights too; people call me a murderer even though I ain't never been caught yet... []
So the Jedis are there to do what exactly? According to the opening title crawl it was to "settle... a dispute, over the taxation of... trade routes".
...
Oh.
So what makes the Jedi Knights experts in intergalactic trade laws?
So the Trade Federation have set up a blockade around... Naboo, in order to stop them from getting space supplies - which instantly causes some kinda... crisis? - that we never see.
[record scratch]
Okay.… ..... I don't get it:
Why would an organization called The Trade Federation wanna blockade trade?
Plus, if "why would they want to blockade trade? ah, because they were protesting against that new taxation, right" was the thought process, then it must've evaporated by the time the next sentence was spoken:
- you'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes - unless all the taxes went straight to like a Space Obama, and they didn't see any of it?
The point is I'm still not sure what the doughnut ships were there to do.
Because it would seem he'd just answered his own question - the blockade ships were there to "resolve the matter" of the trade route taxation that the Trade Federation was unhappy about.
Before this "realization", Plinkett seemingly thought they were just there to blockade trade for some inconceivable absurd reason - but now it makes basic sense as an economic pressure method in response to getting (their trade routes) taxed.
So either he forgot this "realization" the next second - or, his uncertainty is about, since because of their military the Trade Federation couldn't have been merchants who got taxed by the Republic government, and must've instead been a bureaucracy within that government, why they were protesting against being happy with the new taxes, or if they may have been protesting against all those taxes going past them straight to Space Obama;
which would make this section much less internally disjointed and inconsistent, but would still be based on Plinkett's obliviousness to all information about what the Trade Federation is and what its position in the Republic is.
However, while the very basic premise of the blockade is rather clear and makes (albeit quite opaque) sense, as already said above, the more exact details of how that boycott/pressure was working
this also involves:
It's also unknown why they picked Naboo specifically - whether it was "seemingly at random", to show that they could do this to anybody, or because Naboo had been somehow involved in the trade involving those taxed trade routes, or partook in the "dispute" in some way.
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Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
[...]
in order to stop them from getting space supplies - which instantly causes some kinda... crisis? - that we never see.
[record scratch]
[...]
, what kinda supplies were so crucial to the Naboo - what was it, like medical supplies? Just some kinda plague? Did they not have the capacity to survive on such a lush planet with a huge power reactor for one day without space trade?
P6 of 7
Number 11: Please, God - make it stop. Make it end.
[...]
- so.. so what this is like a power generator? What does it power, the Universe??
So you're expecting me to believe that the people that built this technological wonder were dying without space supplies for 2 days??
Nothing is said anywhere about those supplies being "crucial to the Naboo", let alone anyone "dying" without them / as a result of the blockade, nor is the blockade (or anything related to it) ever referred to as a "crisis".
The entire situation is described as "alarming", and as a "turmoil":
"While the Congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events,
But that in no way has to mean that the actual situation is this bad - all it implies is that it's an unprecedented move by the Trade Federation, and possibly not one that's been considered legally possible prior to to it, or even unambiguously considered legal in the present;
that may be the reason why the "Congress" is debating about it;
and it would explain why Gunray keeps assuring everyone of the complete legality of everything that they're doing - because they may be going into the conversation having some doubts about that:
"With all due respect - the ambassadors for the Supreme Chancellor wish to board immediately."
"Yes, of course! As you know, our blockade is perfectly legal - and we'd be happy to receive the ambassadors.""I know nothing of any.. ambassadors? You must be... mistaken."
"Beware, Viceroy - the Federation has gone too far this time."
"We would never do anything without the approval of the Senate... You assume too much."
"We will see."
"She's right... The Senate will never..."
"It's too late now."
The Federation's ability and willingness to blockade a planet, with their deadly battleships, thereby halting all trade with that planet, as a reaction to disputed taxations, would be enough to be considered "alarming" without any humanitarian crisis accompanying it (or being expected in any imminent feature close enough for Plinkett to consider unrealistic in Naboo's case).
And then, in seeming contradiction to all that alarming ambiguous legality of what the Federation was pulling, the situation is called a "trivial trade dispute" that the Neimoidians shouldn't have any reason to be uneasy about:
"No; I sense an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial as this trade dispute."
So since the movie doesn't expect Plinkett to believe that the Naboo were dying without those space supplies after 2 days / 1 day, this "crisis" can be scrubbed from the list of things that needed but lacked an explanation;
however, while not required to justify the Naboo's efforts to end this blockade/boycott in the audience's eyes, any information about the degree of trouble this situation did cause for the Naboo, is completely absent.
Ironicallly, this lack of information even leaves open the possibility that part of the, or even the main problem resulting from the blockade was the cessation of Naboo's exports, rather than imports:
- the "shipping to Naboo" also including money paid to the Naboo by the recipients of their exports, thus indirectly stopping the shipping of exports from the planet as well."the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo."
In that case, Naboo's main problem might just be their export economy;
and the "ironic" part would be that
would then raise the stakes of this blockade, rather than lower it, since these lush natural resources and the products of this "huge power reactor" would've been likely candidates for being important export goods.
However the straightforward language of
really points much more in the direction of Naboo being in trouble due to losing import and "supplies" - just without specifying how serious that trouble was, and without any implication of it amounting to a "crisis"."the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo."
In conclusion:
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Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
[...]
So if the Trade Federation were like merchants, moving goods and services around the Galaxy, then why did they seem more like a military, with armies of robots?
However if they were like a bureaucracy that was in charge of overseeing and regulating trade routes - you'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes - unless all the taxes went straight to like a Space Obama, and they didn't see any of it?
[...]
you know what the blockade was about, who was getting taxed, what kinda supplies were so crucial to the Naboo - what was it, like medical supplies? Just some kinda plague? Did they not have the capacity to survive on such a lush planet with a huge power reactor for one day without space trade?
You see I would've accepted the idea of some kinda mystery villain if the basics were at least clear...
The "basics" (or, "basic facts about the generally known situation as it was publicly understood") listed here are as clear as follows:
-The Trade Federation is some sort of state/corporation hybrid that answers to the Senate (equivalently to Naboo and other "regular" Republic members);
-The Senate decided to tax trade routes, which "the greedy Trade Federation" was unhappy about and wanted to reverse - which can only mean they were using those trade routes, and now had to pay taxes for that.
(Or, to take the alternative, somewhat too far-fetched interpretation according to which the Trade Federation was getting paid taxes by other users of those trade routes:
-The Senate imposed a tax policy, which started to get disputed; "the greedy Trade Federation", who was affected by this tax policy, wanted the dispute decided in their financial favor.)
-The blockade was a pressure tactic in order to achieve that goal.
-The Naboo didn't suffer any known "crisis", and their (as well as other Republic members') motivation to stop their shipments from getting cut off needs no further explanation to make sense.
Plinkett missed all this information for two very simple reasons:
-he doesn't look at all the available information in the movie;
-and the information he does look at, in this case the opening crawl, is looked at in a very disorganized, unfocused, and sloppy fashion:
Plinkett: SW Ep1
P2 of 7
[...]
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
So when you find yourself thinking things like: "Huh?"; or "What?"; when you're watching how illogical characters act in a movie, it's not really a good sign.
Now I've analyzed this film with a team of cheerleaders - they came up with one unanimous conclusion: that if I let them go, they promise they won't tell nobody.
Anyways - so at the end of the movie Yoda makes Obi-Wan a Jedi Knight:
Yoda: "Confer on you the level of Jedi Knight the Council does."
Even though in the opening titles it says he's a Jedi Knight.
[", the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict..."]
So we'll just call them Jedi Knights too; people call me a murderer even though I ain't never been caught yet... []
So the Jedis are there to do what exactly? According to the opening title crawl it was to "settle... a dispute, over the taxation of... trade routes".
...
Oh.
So what makes the Jedi Knights experts in intergalactic trade laws?
So the Trade Federation have set up a blockade around... Naboo, in order to stop them from getting space supplies - which instantly causes some kinda... crisis? - that we never see.
[record scratch]
Okay.… ..... I don't get it:
Why would an organization called The Trade Federation wanna blockade trade? Ric Olié: "There's the blockade!" Usually a blockade is to stop something you don't want to get in?
You see we once set up a naval blockade around Cuba - to stop the Russians from setting up missile launchers there.
It was a little event you might've heard of; wasn't a big deal, you know? - but you might've heard of it it was called WORLD WAR ONE?!
Geez you stupid people gotta learn your history right...
So if the Trade Federation were like merchants, moving goods and services around the Galaxy, then why did they seem more like a military, with armies of robots?
However if they were like a bureaucracy that was in charge of overseeing and regulating trade routes - you'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes - unless all the taxes went straight to like a Space Obama, and they didn't see any of it?
The point is I'm still not sure what the doughnut ships were there to do.
[...]
Anyways, so I realize that Senator Palpatine was using the Trade Federation to create a crisis to advance himself politically; like that was the plot I think? But the conflict from the blockade and the subsequent invasion is the entire movie! Understanding what role the Trade Federation played in this, is important...
When/ell you know what the blockade was about, who was getting taxed, what kinda supplies were so crucial to the Naboo - what was it, like medical supplies? Just some kinda plague? Did they not have the capacity to survive on such a lush planet with a huge power reactor for one day without space trade?
You see I would've accepted the idea of some kinda mystery villain if the basics were at least clear...
Here's the entire opening crawl:
"Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.
While the Congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict..."
The 1st paragraph talks about the taxation and the accompanying dispute.
The 2nd about the Trade Federation's motivation/reaction and their blockade.
The 3rd mentions a part of the way the Republic government is reacting to all of this - and then tells about the Jedis' mission.
The way Plinkett goes through this text is, first he skips the 1st 2 paragraphs, and even the first part of the 3rd paragraph, all of which discuss the general situation, and just focuses on the part that explains the Jedis' mission (which will be examined later here):
Anyways - so at the end of the movie Yoda makes Obi-Wan a Jedi Knight:
Yoda: "Confer on you the level of Jedi Knight the Council does."
Even though in the opening titles it says he's a Jedi Knight.
[", the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict..."]
So we'll just call them Jedi Knights too; people call me a murderer even though I ain't never been caught yet... []
So the Jedis are there to do what exactly? According to the opening title crawl it was to "settle... a dispute, over the taxation of... trade routes".
...
Oh.
So what makes the Jedi Knights experts in intergalactic trade laws?
Then he jumps to wondering about the basic rationale behind a "Trade" organization doing a "trade blockade" - without looking at the 2nd paragraph which states the Trade Federation's motivation and rationale, and of course without first looking at the 1st paragraph which provides the taxation background for it:
So the Trade Federation have set up a blockade around... Naboo, in order to stop them from getting space supplies - which instantly causes some kinda... crisis? - that we never see.
[record scratch]
Okay.… ..... I don't get it:
Why would an organization called The Trade Federation wanna blockade trade? Ric Olié: "There's the blockade!" Usually a blockade is to stop something you don't want to get in?
Even in a complete vacuum, if the only thing that's known is that a seller stopped selling something, or workers stopped doing their jobs, and one is trying to make sense of this action - the explanation that they're attempting some kind of boycott / embargo / strike etc. in order get their buyers/employers to start giving them more money (or, more generally, get the parties that depend on them to do something that serves their interests) ought to be on the very surface of the thought process there.
And the 1st 2 paragraphs that Plinkett doesn't look at, confirm just that to be the case.
"Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.
And next, properly sticking to this reverse order, he picks up on the fact that there were "new space taxes" and the Trade Federation must've been unhappy with those:
- and, apparently, without explicitly verbalizing it, that this unhappiness with the new space taxes had something to do with their blockade;So if the Trade Federation were like merchants, moving goods and services around the Galaxy, then why did they seem more like a military, with armies of robots?
However if they were like a bureaucracy that was in charge of overseeing and regulating trade routes - you'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes - unless all the taxes went straight to like a Space Obama, and they didn't see any of it?
The point is I'm still not sure what the doughnut ships were there to do.
which, of course, automatically invalidates his previous paragraphs of wondering about the rationale behind the blockade, and calling it a possibly nonsensical/contradictory action - because as a reaction to this unwelcome taxation, such a rationale suddenly takes shape.
But then he immediately goes on to reiterate that "he's not sure what the blockade is there to do".
This uncertainty may either stem from him immediately having forgotten about that "basic rationale that just took shape" (or even the very fact that they were there to "stop all shipping to Naboo" - something he was just aware of during the trade blockading segment) - or, given the sentences that it immediately follows, it may be sort of referring to his uncertainty about the nature of said taxation and why it was making the Trade Federation unhappy - tied to uncertainty about what the Trade Federation is at all, and how it relates to the Republic;
because if the very foundation of their discontent (as well as their very nature) is so confusing and uncertain, doesn't that plunge their protest blockade into a fog of confusion as well? Sort of?
However that uncertainty is also stemming from skipping over various pieces of information - in this case mostly those contained in the following movie, but ultimately also the title crawl:
The "Trade Federation" is introduced as a separate entity from the "Galactic Republic" - with nothing but the crawl to go buy, it could either be an entirely separate entity/state that isn't part of the Republic, or it's a "state" member of the Republic, or somehow part of it;"Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.
however this "Federation" somehow being a "bureaucracy" sitting in the government of the Republic, doesn't seem to jive with this text one bit.
And then as soon as the crawl ends, lines like this:
and then this:"Yes, of course! As you know, our blockade is perfectly legal -
start appearing, and the "part/member of the Republic theory" gets "confirmed" rather quickly - until the Senate scene shows the floating platform setup and removes virtually all remaining doubt."We would never do anything without the approval of the Senate..."
Also, in case the crawl hadn't make it clear whether
-this taxation was a recent decision, or
-the taxation was long established, but the disputes over it were the recent development that caused the "turmoil":
"Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.
and/or whether this "taxation" may have been something autonomously imposed by the Trade Federation itself - the Senate session makes clear that the taxation was recent, and, well, was decided in the Senate:
"Supreme Chancellor, delegates of the Senate - a tragedy has occurred, which started right here with the taxation of trade routes, and has now engulfed our entire planet in the oppression of the Trade Federation."
- thereby pushing the (still technically possible) "the taxes were being paid to the Trade Federation, and they were unhappy about them being in dispute" into the background.
So if the Trade Federation were like merchants, moving goods and services around the Galaxy, then why did they seem more like a military, with armies of robots?
However if they were like a bureaucracy that was in charge of overseeing and regulating trade routes - you'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes - unless all the taxes went straight to like a Space Obama, and they didn't see any of it?
And, of course, as it has been abundantly gone over already - just like being confused by a "trade organization wanting to blockade trade" indicated a temporary obliviousness to the basic concepts of boycotts/embargoes/etc., this confusion over the "merchant military" indicates a temporary obliviousness to the concept of the private-army-equipped megacorporation;
in addition to missing the Trade Federation's "corporation-state duality" that's apparent right from its name - introduced in the title crawl, evidently - and also accounts for them having an army (as well as some of those Neimoidians acting like military personnel themselves).
So based on this temporary mind fog, Plinkett sort of writes off the most apparent and simple scenario - namely that the Trade Federation is unhappy about having to pay new space taxes - and then jumps to the completely unfounded "bureaucracy in the Republic government" scenario that's contradicted by everything in the movie;
and because that then doesn't make sense to him either (naturally), or perhaps just due to a generally disjointed thought process, he concludes that
The point is I'm still not sure what the doughnut ships were there to do.
and that the "basics" about the "blockade" and "who was getting taxed" are left unclear:
When/ell you know what the blockade was about, who was getting taxed, what kinda supplies were so crucial to the Naboo - what was it, like medical supplies? Just some kinda plague? Did they not have the capacity to survive on such a lush planet with a huge power reactor for one day without space trade?
You see I would've accepted the idea of some kinda mystery villain if the basics were at least clear.
The possibility that the Trade Federation weren't the ones who were "getting taxed" (indirectly via the trade routes that is) does exist, however, to reiterate:
-not because the Trade Federation might be a bureaucracy in the Republic government (the scenario that Plinkett has suggested, not realizing how unfounded, contradicted and generally nonsensical it is), but rather because it might be a "proto-imperialistic" force within the Republic's union of planet states (based on information in the movie that Plinkett either didn't address, or showed obliviousness towards) - making him "correct by accident" here;
-the crawl alone may make it look like an equally possible scenario, but the rest of the movie "pushed it into the background" - leaving the "Trade Federation got taxed" as the only real sensible option to go with;
and, most importantly:
-it doesn't affect or undermine the more general premise that the Federation is "unhappy about a taxation (dispute) thing" and therefore starts a protest/pressure action - which remains a constant in both scenarios, due to their motivation being described as "greed", and, ironically, also thanks to the ambiguity of the phrasing leaving it open whether they stand to lose finances because of the taxation, or because of the taxation being in dispute:
"Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo."
So with this taxation background/premise just about solidly intact, "what the blockade was about" is fundamentally/generally clear as well.
All in all, had Plinkett not decided to go through the opening crawl in reverse order, barely bothering to look at the text, and instead gone through it properly while also combing the rest of the movie for related information about the Republic government, the Trade Federation, the taxation, and the blockade, all the unwarranted confusion displayed in this segment would've been avoided - and his conclusion would've been that, despite the sizeable gaps in this information, the "basics" that the "mystery villain plot" was built upon (as well as the escalating dramatic high-stakes surface plot, for that matter) are just about clear enough for him to
Plinkett: SW Ep1
P2 of 7
[...]
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
[...]
've accepted the idea of some kinda mystery villain [Sidious hologram] if the basics were at least clear...
Plinkett: SW Ep1
P2 of 7
Number 2: The Story
[...]
So the film is called "The Phantom Menace", and by the nature of the story there is no clear villain [invasion ships].
Hey idiot - you're not making "The Usual Suspects" here; you're making a movie for children, right?
Palpatine: "Supreme Chancellor; delegates of the Senate. A tragedy has occurred - which started right here with the taxation of trade routes, and has now engulfed our entire planet in the oppression of the-"
How about a bad guy in the movie whose motivation is clear?
Vader [throws rebel soldier at the wall]: "Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans, and bring me the passengers - I want them alive!"
The prequels should be very similar in style to the originals, cause I don't like things that are different.
Plinkett: SW Ep1
P2 of 7
[...]
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
[...]
So the Shatnerians immediately inform this mystery guy who they're running this scam with – a guy who looks like Satan – that Jedis are on the ship;
Unbeknownst to the audience until this very scene (or, more precisely, the previous one:
), and still unbeknownst to the Naboo, the people working in Republic government (those not in on any related conspiracies, that is - Mas Amedda being the confirmed case), or the Jedi, the Neimoidians are, in fact, running what Plinkett calls a "scam" with Lord Sidious - a figure whose existence isn't known to any of those parties either.
This alone calls everything what they've been telling to the Senate, to the Naboo etc. into question - it's now unknown which of their officially stated motivations and goals are actually real, or complete lies.
The audience starts out entirely in the dark about any aspects of this newly revealed conspiracy - any knowledge gained is the viewer being let in on parts of this conspiracy, but still lagging behind the conspirators in his knowledge.
The Neimoidians follow Sidious' instructions:
Plinkett: SW Ep1
P3 of 7
[...]
Number 4: Who's Doing What? Where? Why?
WHY ARE THE SHATNERIANS taking orders from this mystery hologram again?
and refer to what they're doing as "his scheme":
"What is it?"
"This scheme of yours has failed, Lord Sidious! The blockade is finished... We dare not go against the Jedi!"
"Viceroy - I don't want this stunted slime in my sight again.
However those instructions also include actions described as "our plans":
"This turn of events is unfortunate - we must accelerate our plans. Begin landing your troops."
So this now leaves 3 basic possibilities:
1) The Neimoidians are motivated by greed, as described in the crawl, and they want to "resolve the tax dispute in their favor", as they've been publicly claiming this whole time - however they've secretly aligned with Sidious for help; who presumably wants something in return.
It turns out that the blockade was his idea.
However, it turns out that they're secretly planning a next step - invading Naboo, and having this invasion acknowledged as legal.
Unlike the "legal" blockade, the possible role of this "legal invasion" in pressuring the Senate into choosing their preferred tax policy is completely unknown, and hard to conceive of.
Something about tighter control to make sure the Naboo don't sneak some form of trade under the radar of the blockade, maybe?
Something else?
Other than "presenting it as legal", what is their officially stated (and here under the premise of 1), also real) rationale behind this occupation going to look like?
At this point, a different sub-possibility emerges:
1a) Everything up until including the blockade was, and still is the Neimoidians trying to achieve their preferred tax policy through public pressure, secretly helped by Sidious who chose this method for them - however, in return, he wants them to do things that he wants, for his own reasons;
and this invasion may already be one of those things.
This would mean that everything the Neimoidians would state to the Senate about their motivations behind this occupation is going to be a lie.
Of course it's also conceivable that:
1a-) The blockade was already one of those things Sidious wanted for himself - since it makes enough sense as publicly stated (just as the upcoming explanation for the occupation might go on to do), it may double as a part of how Sidious is promising them to get their favored tax policy realised, but that may also include additional actions on his part; while, conversely, the blockade also serves his own, completely different interests.
1a+) The invasion is also gonna be a "real" tactic, but the things done afterwards are entirely for Sidious' sake:
"My troops are in position to begin searching the swamps for these rumoured underwater villages. They will not stay hidden for long."
"Is the planet secure?"
"We have taken over the last pockets of primitive life forms - we are in complete control of the planet now."
"Good. I will see to it that in the Senate things stay as they are."
2) Absolutely everything that the Neimoidians have done and said, was on Sidious' instructions - they've agreed to do his bidding, doing things that serve his stated interests, in return for something he promises to give them.
This something then has nothing to do with getting/retaining that tax money - especially if he was behind the taxation, they knew he was behind it, and the goal was to create this believable public front/cover for the Trade Federation to start the blockade, and as a result:
-having access to Naboo - and/or
-creating the alarming turmoil in the Senate,
which all somehow serves his interests.
3) The Trade Federation's true goals lie with the "taking full control of Naboo", and Sidious helps them
Plinkett: SW Ep1
P3 of 7
[...]
Number 4: Who's Doing What? Where? Why?
WHY ARE THE SHATNERIANS taking orders from this mystery hologram again? What did he promise them that would be so worth risking their entire organization for?
The location of the Fountain of Youth? A planet made of gold? Corrective surgery for this woman's face?
How about a night, in Megan's fox hole...
Seriously, what was it? Oh - we're never told, are we.
Generally speaking it's easy to get a handful of insane people to follow you on some kinda illegal or crazy scheme [Charles Manson] - but when you're talking about a huge organization that's run with military efficiency? Then they're probably gonna want something in return for the use of 30 of their ships and risking everything...
Darth Sidious can't really promise them future political favors because it would give away who he is.
But he already is
Plinkett: SW Ep1
P3 of 7
[...]
Number 4: Who's Doing What? Where? Why?
WHY ARE THE SHATNERIANS taking orders from this mystery hologram again? What did he promise them that would be so worth risking their entire organization for?
The location of the Fountain of Youth? A planet made of gold? Corrective surgery for this woman's face?
How about a night, in Megan's fox hole...
Seriously, what was it? Oh - we're never told, are we.
Generally speaking it's easy to get a handful of insane people to follow you on some kinda illegal or crazy scheme [Charles Manson] - but when you're talking about a huge organization that's run with military efficiency? Then they're probably gonna want something in return for the use of 30 of their ships and risking everything...
Darth Sidious can't really promise them future political favors because it would give away who he is.
When they get arrested at the end, they could just say: "It was like, a hologram in a cloak, he made us do it! ..In fact,.. he looks like… Palpatine! [ | ] And he sounds like him, too! We've got the recordings of the hologram - you wanna look at em?"
I find it hard to believe that these guys never started pointing fingers after they got caught...
::::::::::::::::::::::::
So the question why they "didn't see any of those taxes" now completely vanishes from the discussion - they weren't part of the Republic government that did the taxing:
Plinkett: SW Ep1
P2 of 7
[...]
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
[...]
So if the Trade Federation were like merchants, moving goods and services around the Galaxy, then why did they seem more like a military, with armies of robots?
However if they were like a bureaucracy that was in charge of overseeing and regulating trade routes - you'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes - unless all the taxes went straight to like a Space Obama, and they didn't see any of it?
----------------------------------------
gdsfgfsdfgs
See this is exactly where you're wrong. These cartoony stereotypes are absolutely as harmful as the out and out nazi ones.Some amount of spaghetti can be necessary - cause not using quotes is one way that IfihadaHammer user is getting away (easier) with ignoring points and misrepresenting them lol
Not interested in the subject, skip the posts duh
The citation is mobile.
Isn't that what I've been saying from the start?
(It can be "harmful" on the viewers' end, if they take it literally or are led by a Nazi into taking it literally - however not as an intent by the author; and of course Watto is way too cartoony to really have such an influence on opinions; even Quark is much more "harmful".)
No you were calling out that I was prescribing people not to get "offended", or said all the origins of antisemitic stereos were innocent or sth - this is the first time you read correctly (somewhat).
Well the word does happen to have different meanings, so examining that is just no-nonsense clarity and not some "bloviating".
For instance the arrrr pirate is a pirate stereotype, but hardly anyone thinks the golden age pirates or any others said "arrrr"
See this is exactly where you're wrong. These cartoony stereotypes are absolutely as harmful as the out and out nazi ones.
The idea that they wouldn't have any influence on the viewer is hardly born out by the facts. Hell if you has even bothered to read the Wikipedia article linked to you earlier, you'd see a critic who pointed out children in the theater calling Watto "the little jew guy .
Since it doesn't fit your category of a bad stereotype you give it a pass, here comparing it to pirates who say arr, which is just ridiculous.
hhgfffgh
1) ANH approac h
ship opening
Plinkett audio commentary: SW Ep4
No,.. - just wait there till they see you, Leia.
Ok, now they see you - now kinda move a little...
And thennnn.... Yeah, maybe you should've shot at them - ...like, when you had the element of surprise, before you waited till they saw you?
Well - here are the 2 dumbest guys in the universe?..
The one guy is like: "You know, I really like my job."
And the other guy's like: "Why, cause you don't shoot.. at the escape pods with no life signs in them?"
And he's like, "No? - cause I don't gotta wear a giant fucking space helmet like everyone else does.
Stormtroopers do...; those control operators got the black ones like-, like lord Vader has...
But I guess once you reach the level of an officer, all you need is a little hat.
Judging by this exchange:
"There goes another one."
"Hold your fire. There's no life forms; it must have short-circuited."
, there was at least one previous escape pod, or several, which were launched, had life signs on them, and were opened "fire" on - which highly implies that they were hit with destructive lasers, rather than stun or tractor beams, and were either destroyed and killed, or at the very least damaged;
and in the latter case, one would've expected them to be retrieved back into the Imperial ship, instead of just being left floating - most conveniently of course via tractor beams, which would then pose the obvious question why they didn't just skip the "fire" and use the tractor beams from the start.
In the case that they were "firing" on those previous escape pods in order to destroy and kill, the question remains whether these were:
1) their specific orders, or
2) a "general practice" that hadn't been altered with the specific orders to "leave them alive for questioning", or
3) just something these 2 guys decided was the correct thing to do, without really thinking things through - in which case they would be indeed dumb and incompetent, as well as all their superiors
"Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans, and bring me the passengers - I want them alive!"
"There's one. Set for stun."
"She'll be all right. Inform Lord Vader we have a prisoner."
Ep4: Senate / political background
Ep4 /5/6 1-3 inconsistencies: Senate / political;
Emperor, Vader
Now we see Vader doing some of his business, and we start to get some plot information;
this is the moment when we realize that the Prequels went and fucked everything up.
Yeah... th..that happens already.
Things just don't seem to jive with what happens in Episodes 1, 2 and 3 - and this ain't the only part, trust me.
So Princess Leia says: "The Imperial Senate will not sit still for this." - expressing her outrage that a Stardestroyer attacked her little ship.
But wait, they still have the Senate? Like with Monster Mash in charge?
Now we'll get into this shit a little more later... - but all this is painfully obvious that Lucas just threw around words like "galactic senate", and "emperor"; and stuff like that, as basic plot filler, to establish the workings of the Empire.
I mean, you can't have an empire without an emperor, right?
So, you just say there's some guy named "the Emperor" who's in charge!..
But I guess he was the most important thing... in creating Darth Vader in the first 3 films, FUUUCK THIIIS...[]
Like the gist is that an evil Empire wants their plans for their Death Star back; - and the political mechanics aren't too important?
However when we finally see all the political mechanics in the prequels, they make no sense in regards to later events.
How would the plight of Leia generate sympathy in the Senate? Palpatine created the Galactic Empire and basically called himself the ultimate dictator in like 3 days!
A dictator with a democratic Senate that still has power?
And this has been going on since Luke was born 19 years ago?
Ep4 / 1-3 inconsistencies: 3PO Tatooine;
C-3PO tells Owen Lars that he was built by an 8 year old - and that he should buy him because of that reason.
Ten percent off!
Oh wait... - I guess C-3PO got his memory wiped, right.
I wish they could wipe my memory...
I try to do it every night with boooooze...
And I ain't talking about the Phantom Menace - I'm talking about the back alley colonoscopy I had done []. Or at least that's what I think it was...
"Doctor, Doctor - gimme the news! I got a bad case of a bleeding asshole-"
Ep4: ("Kenobi")
"Anakin" Owen Obi-Wan backstory;
Ep4(-6) / 1-3 inconsistencies: Lars homestead backstory
Next we got a little more plot information when Luke discovers the Princess Leia hologram, hidden in R2-D2's can.
This scene provides a nice little bit of information that moves the plot along; and heightens Luke's interest in space adventures.
But we all know this scene;
let's talk about the next scene: it's the famous dinner scene; or.. I guess it's lunch. Probably lunch, or an early dinner if it's the summertime on Tatooine...
It's the scene where they drink the blue milk!
So my question for everybody is:
Is Aunt Beru barren?
And for those of you that are too stupid to know what "barren" means, I ain't talking about the Red Baron, or Snoopy - I'm talking about her unable to have kids.
Or did she just not want to have kids, so she didn't have to ruin her smoking hot figure.
Now I've seen the real gal that plays the young Aunt Beru in Episode 3 in real life at a convention once - her name is Bonnie Piesse;
and I'd sure like to get my hands on a segment of Bonnie Piesse, if you know what I mean...
Did I say that pun right?
I don't even know.... - I think only 8 neurons fire in my brain now... supposed to be like one hundred billion that fire every second; but I think, 8, or- [] owww, wait now it's 7.
All I can think about is when I can get my next drink... []
The actors that played Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were both ages 61 and 57 respectively at the time of filming Star Wars;
now I don't know how old Mark Hamill was, but Luke was supposed to be 19.
So did they ever have any kids of their own on the Lars homestead?
If so, where are they?
When Obi-Wan dropped Luke off 19 years prior, they looked pretty young?; and I didn't see any kids running around?
Then they aged 45 years in 19 years - just like Obi-Wan.
So if they had any kids after they got Luke, they would be younger than Luke - and they would be running around on the farm helping out as well.
If they had kids before, we woulda seen them in Episode 3 - like 5 or 6 year old kids. And then they'd say: "Fuck you, we don't need another kid? Do you think the Hutts give out food stamps, you fucking hippie asshole?
You killed his parents you dickhead, you take care of 'im."
See I always thought that Luke was adopted by the Larses when they were in their 40s or 50s; after this horrible thing happened with Anakin. They were sort of like Luke's elderly foster parents.
But everything that happens in Episode 3 horribly contradicts all of that.
All Owen Lars really knows is that Obi-Wan gave him a baby; he wasn't even told that it was Anakin's. Obi-Wan just drops it off and gets back on his giant poodle...
I guess all Owen Lars would remember about Anakin is that this weird guy stopped by once; asked a buncha questions to the old guy in the floating wheelchair;
then he left; came back with a corpse; stole their droids; and left.
I guess he'd buried the corpse there too; and there was a headstone, but then I guess Owen and Beru got rid of it.
"Fuck that; get rid of this headstone, Beru? IT'S MESSING WITH MY MOISTURE EVAPORATORS."
"But Owen, there is a mummy in there..."
"I don't even know who it is! Oh wait, it's the guy in the wheelchair's wife... How did she get to our homestead?? These fucking cripples aren't gonna help us with the moisture farming..."
Maybe Obi-Wan came back a few weeks later and told Owen the whole story about how he left the little baby's father to die after cutting his legs and arms off and burning his fucking face off with lava...
Then Obi-Wan said, "don't let this kid ever leave, cause he's no good - he's got his father's jerk DNA or something..."
... I don't know, but this conversation and the one with Ben Kenobi later don't make no sense. It always appeared to me that Owen was more involved in the backstory;
like Anakin and Owen argued all the time about going off and fighting in the Clone Wars, and that Obi-Wan was an integral part in that decision...
But the events that unfold in Episode 3 don't really reflect that;
further proof that there was no backstory; or 6 stories as Lucas has maintained...
Ep4: US Tatooine: Academy;
Luke skills
But this is just another question, and I'm not sure if I'm being stupid or not on this one? Oftentimes I can be very stupid...
But how did Luke even become a pilot? Or get training to become a pilot? He lives on Tatooine, a desert planet - run by Jabba the Hutt.
He mentions that Biggs and his other friends go off to the Academy? And then later we see that Biggs is flying in the Rebellion in an X-wing.
So is this "Academy" - the Rebellion? Or is it a front group that trains people for the Empire - and then those pilots run away to become X-wing pilots?
I'm not sure if there is an actual Academy for Rebellion pilots?..
Ep4: Force told
But at last we finally do get to meet Obi-Wan Kenobi now;
somehow R2 knew.. where he was? - and somehow Kenobi knew, where.. to find them.
I guess this is the very first scene that the Force made people do things...
The Force told Kobi-Brian Kenobi where he could find a 19 year old girl to fuck in a hotel... and the Force also told Ben Kenobi where he could find R2-D2 and Luke Skywalker.
I guess it was fate, because all these things have to happen, in order for Anakin Skywalker to become Darth Vader and-.. oh wait, that happened already..
Ep4: "Anakin" Owen Obi-Wan backstory
Ep4-6: solipsistic arc
Ep4(-6) / 1-3 inconsistencies: Anakin Owen Obi-Wan backstory
Leia Obi-Wan
Death Star
Ep4 / 5-6 retcons: Vader
Yoda
Ep4 /5/6 1-3 inconsistencies: Senate / political; Emperor
But anyway, this scene in Obi-Wan's house is one of the central plot scenes where everything is wrong.
The very first thing Obi-Wan says is that Uncle Owen didn't hold the same beliefs as Luke's father.
Obi-Wan's emphasis on the specific phrase: "not gotten involved" - implies that it was a direct quote from Owen Lars. Sort of like something a draft dodger or a pacifist might say.
One must also take into consideration that Obi-Wan is lying - but that's really expert level lying; and lying seems to be unbecoming of a Jedi Knight.
Now the next lie Obi-Wan says is in regards to the lightsaber: "Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough - but your uncle wouldn't allow it."
So when exactly did THIS exchange happen?
It's possible it happened after Obi-Wan cut Anakin's arms and legs off and melted his face?..
Maybe Anakin whispered: "If my baby isn't dead - please give him my light saber when he's old enough..."
You know, he would've said that instead of: "GET ME A FFUCKING AMBULANCE!!.."
Then in a scene that happened later that we didn't get to see, young Obi-Wan Kenobi says to Owen Lars: "Please give this dangerous weapon to this baby, when he's old enough." - which by Jedi standards is age 4.
Then Owen told Obi-Wan no - and gave him the lightsabre back; and Obi-Wan put it in his treasure chest.
I can understand why he'd lie about who Luke's father is? But why make up all these bullshit lies about the mundane details.
Then Luke asks Obi-Wan how his father died;
now I think this is where the idea of Vader being Luke's father came from - all from Alec Guinness' expression. He looks hesitant - and then he says: "Your father was betrayed and murdered, by this guy named Darth Vader."
He could be lying to cover up the truth; or - he could've just looked hesitant to tell Luke that his father was murdered; you know it's kind of a awkward subject.
I think the idea of Vader being Luke's father was actually conceived for the next film;
Vader is just a bad guy in this one.
Jesus, Ben, don't you ever fucking clean up?
So Obi-Wan finds the message inside R2-D2; it's Princess Leia - and she tells him that her father (who I think was Jimmy Smits?) says he served him well in the Clone Wars;
which isn't exactly accurate, but-.. fuck - what is anymore?
Anyway, she says R2-D2 has information vital to the survival of the Rebellion - but then doesn't tell him what it is.
Obi-Wan then turns to Luke and tells him that he must now learn the ways of the Force and come with him to Alderaan...
Obi-Wan probably should've said: "Hey, can you help me get a transport? I need to find this little guy named Yoda and get back to work."
"Look... - grandpa? You're,.. welcome to stay in my place? My Mom doesn't mind? We got a spare bedroom!"
But now the disconnect between A New Hope, and Revenge of the Sith, becomes more and more apparent;
especially after this next scene when Vader returns home to talk to the bad leader guys in the boardroom on the Death Star.
This scene is pretty important to the plot, but it's really just there to engage an element they call the "ticking clock" - it's a basic function used to create tension in a story.
They almost have the Death Star ready; it's ready to shoot giant lasers, and they plan to use it to crush the Rebellion - by destroying their hidden base.
But my question is this: it took them 19 years to do that?
Now I'm not being an armchair gigantic space station constructionist? - but in the last shot of Revenge of the Sith, they show most of the space frame built;
and NOW it's done??
And they get the 2nd Death Star nearly completed in a year or so inbetween Empire and Jedi?
[...]
But the end of Revenge of the Sith really displays the simplicity of the storyteller;
all the characters are perfectly set up, to where everything is at the start of Episode 4.
This is just another reason why the Prequels were slapped together horsecrap [].
Look out - there's road apples.
Uhh, you know, I once ate at a restaurant called Road Applebee's; it was really good...
And then later I ate at a restaurant called Applebee's - and the food taste like horseshit [].
[] Isn't this commentary about Star Wars?
Star Wars came out 37 years ago, why am I talking about it into a little recording device...
Maybe I should kill myself...
Also, this is the first mention of the Emperor - which I assume in this film was just a guy who was in charge of the Senate.
It's almost laughable to think that Palpatine, in the condition he was in at the end of Revenge of the Sith, was still in power after all these years.
He had a ducking MONSTER FACE...
It's gotta be awkward when you run into him in the elevator...
"Oh, Emperor Palpatine, how are you today?"
"My... face.. hurts."
"What happened to your face?
Or rather should I say: what's wrong with your face."
"The Jedi rebellion... did it.. to me."
"How did the Jedi rebellion.. turn your face, into a monster's face?"
"It's... complicated.."
"Ok;.."
"I prefer silence in the elevator."
"Ok;
...
..Would you mind if I asked you about your face again??"
"Yes I would mind...
The Jedi did this to me, they DISFIGURED ME..."
"Did they disfigure you with a lightsaber, cause if so, y-.. you probably wouldn't have a face."
"Senator from the planet where the E.T.s came from, STOP ASKING ME THESE QUESTIONS!"
"I can't - I just wanna phone home and tell all my friends what happened to your fucking face.
A lot of us E.T.s, we don't really trust you, you know - we think, like-... you might be evil?"
"I... assure you, E.T. - I am not evil."
"You know what I can do - I can bring a dead potted plant back to life;
AND I can vote in the Senate.
I'm introducing a bill today - to have r? species distributed to all planets in the Galactic Union."
Ep4: 3PO Jawas
I like how in a few moments, C-3PO calls the Jawas "disgusting creatures" - after just coming from a Jawa massacre...
Too soon, C-3PO, too soon! You insensitive bastar- oh wait I guess he's a robot...
BUT HE'S INSENSITIVE TO GENOCIDE! What an asshole!
Ep4: US Tatooine, Kenobi
(lightsaber)
OH my GOD, Ben - d'you get a little excessive there...
?I like how he? cuts off the arm of the Walrus Man guy.. - he didn'treally do anything?; he just pushed Luke...
Well - I guess that's what you get for having an ass hanging out of your mouth?
It's also funny how Luke is like: "Ohhhhhh, so that's what that thing does...
Gee I wish Ben told me that before I started waving it around the room carelessly...
Jeez I'm glad I had it facing in the right direction when I turned it on...
Thanks for the warning, Ben-no..-thanks-to-you...-Bobi?
Jesus Christ, I'm glad I didn't slap the thing in my face?
Tried to push C-3PO over with it, cause he was sleeping against the wall? "Well let's see if I can knock the droid over with this- .. OH, FUCK I cut him in half!"
So because of the droidist bartender, R2-D2 and C-3PO are kept outside to fend for themselves against the Stormtroopers, who are looking for them.
Luke just tells them to go out and wait by the speeder in broad daylight - gee what a great plan!
Why don't you have them hide in some dark alley; or a dumpster...
Ep4 / 5-6 retcons: Leia
57:31-
But anyway, I do love this scene; Peter Cushing is great - and so is Carrie Fishie. She's so feisty; and of course Vader can't even sense with the Force that she's his daughter.
Ep4: stakes arc, Death Star weakness
But the real thrust of this scene is, this is when the stakes are really raised - insteada just a giant floating ball in space, we are now shown that the Death Star is capable of blowing up whole planets;
and our ragtag group o' heroes are the only ones that can stop it...
Tension, stakes, a ticking clock! Heroism, and adventure - it's what makes Star Wars great.
Much like the Phantom Menace - when the Gungans fight the Robots to help Queen Amidala find the Viceroy, so that she doesn't have to sign a treaty to make the non-violent invasion legal in the courts...
[crickets...] Uhmm.. [..........]
Ep4-6: solipsistic arc
Blamo, Shabams, Blamo!
Luke is now training with Obi-Wan.
I'm not sure why Obi-Wan wants to train Luke anyway? - his mission was to get to Alderaan to help the Rebellion with-... something.
And since the Jedi are trained since the time when they are toddlers, what does Obi-Wan think he's gonna accomplish in the short trip to Alderaan?
Maybe he wants to reignite the Jedi Order... - well if that were the case, he should've started to train Luke and others in secret on Tatooine years ago!
Instead he sat in a hut, getting old for 20 years... Probably eating canned chili and watching Wheel of Fortune.
Maybe he sensed Luke's Midichlorian count was high or something...
Ep4: Luke skills
But anyway the laserball shoots at Luke and he deflects the lasers with his lasersword.
So Obi-Wan has a personal lightsaber; and Luke has his father's old one on his belt - which he's been carrying around;
does he bring it with him on the Death Star, I don't remember...
I guess we'll wait to find out.
If he did, I would've been cutting everything up in sight...
I woulda chopped up so many fucking Stormtroopers and left a trail of blood like no one's business.
They'd look around and be like, "who's gonna clean all this up?"
I would've murdered so many stormtroopers and cut so much metal up...
[]
I would've fucking cut a hole in Princess Leia's, uh, slave chamber, or whatever the fuck it was...
and I'd say "I'm Luke Skywalker, I have a lightsaber."
And then she would stare and say: "Aren't you a little short-" AND THEN I'D FUCKING CUT HER WITH A LIGHTSABER. []
'd say "oh, I g- I forgot I was supposed to.... rescue you or something,- anyway - fuck it, let's just keep going and t- cutting things.
The Stormtroopers would, try and run up the hallway and shoot at you, I'd run right down that hallway and just start swinging the fucking thing everywhere... and they'd be like "what the fuck- []AWW my Go-, []AWWWHHh-", and I'd just cut everything up.
And then, like.... in the final battle, I would put on a space helmet, and I would open the cockpit door of my x-wing... - and I'd kinda like, fly it near the surface and I'd hang out of it, with the lightsaber.. extended - and then, w- just.. ...fly along the surface of the Death Star and just cutting everything...
Until I ran it across and it.. hit somebody in the face [] - and then... I would-.. throw the lightsaber into the exhaust port..
Fuck proton torpedoes!
And the lightsaber would fly into the core of the Death Star... And the DEATH STAR WOULD EXPLODE TWICE as big!!
And there would be two rings of explosionary shockwaves to come out of the Death Star...
It would overload George Lucas' computers.
I'd say, "Sir!.. The rendering time on two.. explosionary rings, is, is.. is catastrophic..."
And Lucas would order more servers to the Lucasfilm ranch to help process... the, how big the explosion would be..
And he would say "What happened?!"
And I'd say "Luke SKYWALKER went FUCKING NUTS when he had his LIGHTSABER!!" []
1:01:38-
"You know, grandpa, I could almost see the floating target!"
"That's good, Luke - you've taken your first step into a much larger world."
"Oh, no, grandpa - I really could almost see it, because the blast shield was semi-transparent. I saw just enough to help me get by, and block the laser blasts."
"Oh... I see; well - let's move on to your next lesson: infiltrating the universe's most dangerous space station. Come on, we're almost there!"
"What do you mean? - I thought we were going to Alderaan..."
"Oh, no, I forgot to tell you that I can see into the future, cause I have Jedi powers or whatever - I can see all the way up to the part where you get submerged in human sewage; and then choked by a cycloptic turd snake.
And then I get brutally murdered by the guy that killed your father; he's an evil vicious half-man half-robot."
"Oh.... well can we go back to lesson 1 for a bit, I wanna.. kinda.. master that first.."
Ep4: Senate / political
Death Star (irr.)
US Tatooine: Obi-Wan handiwork
"All aboard the Death Star"...
By the way, the Empire has a very bad Public Relations person - they could learn a few things from today's politicians, and political correctness.
I guess when you're that all-powerful, you can get away with calling your new space station a "Death Star"? But you're really not concealing your intentions very well;
all you're doing is empowering a rebellion against you.
How about you call the Death Star the: "Necessary Situational Enforcement Sphere"; or maybe just call it an "Observation Ball"; or "Sphere of Doom"!
Oh wait, no... that.. kinda goes against... what I'm trying to say..
How about: "Progress Globe"; I like that one.
Calling it a "Death Star" is like begging someone to try to put their proton torpedo up your exhaust port; lord knows I don't want that happening... []
Anyway this is where the movie gets truly great though; visually creative, exciting, and full of adventure.
But the Death Star is a comical thing, really - logically speaking.
In the context of the movie, it totally works - it's the fortress of the bad guys; it's the lion's den. Our heroes aren't safe there, and their situation is totally fucked now;
AND they've got to rescue a Princess on top of all that!
But there's a lot of logical problems here, too.
Oh no, they're caught in a tractor beam for the Death Star...
That's a lot of fun to pick on the Death Star - I guess unless it's got its giant laser pointed at you...
But the Death Star is kinda funny, because of its incredibly inefficient size; colossal waste of resources and manpower; and, not to mention, it's the physical embodiment of putting all your eggs in one basket.
But the Death Star is a popcultural icon! It's one of the coolest ideas ever! Sure it's silly, but in context it works.
You see, Star Wars is a movie about dirty hippies destroying an incredibly efficient bureaucracy - a bureaucracy that just wants to maintain control of the people!
Now I've never really understood what this lazy organic moisture farmer, this greedy jerk, or this bitchy selfish woman had against the Empire - what, they wanted the secret plans for their incredibly expensive and massive space station back? So what! The Death Star employed a hundred million people or something; so what if it blew up a Rebel planet - what were those jerks doing to contribute to society anyways?
I can't blame the Empire?
See, Darth Vader is the real hero of this film; he's just trying to find the fucking plans, give the guy a break!
Excuse me, watch out for that hole in the floor;
you know, the one without a railing around it? The one.. that you could.. die if you fall into, watch out for it!..
So the guy calls Tarkin on his communicatron - and they figure out that this is the ship that they're looking for.
And of course Vader's gotta go down and check it out.
But does Darth Vader go on board himself? No...
He just kind of looks at the ship; and then talks to some guy and leaves.
What else you gotta do right now that's so goddamn important, Mister? Why'd you even come down if you're just gonna leave it up to the peons to do this work?
But anyway, this guy says:
"There's no one on board, sir."
"DID OUR INCREDIBLY SLOW MOVING TRACTOR BEAM GIVE THEM TIME TO FALSIFY THEIR LOGS AND HIDE SOMEWHERE ON THE SHIP?"
"Yes sir, I believe so?"
"Good - because them abandoning their ship after take-off makes complete sense."
"Yes, sir. I'll have Stormtroopers walk around the ship and do nothing in a minute."
First of all, they're tractor beamed into this hangar bay that's filled with Stormtroopers, and observation towers, and technicians, and Darth Vaders, and things like that;
they of course hide in the smuggling compartments to avoid the quick survey by the Stormtroopers - but before the guys have a chance to bring the heavy duty scanning equipment on board? Luke and Han murder 2 Stormtroopers and then take their costumes.
The next scene is them busting into one of the control towers.
But how'd they get off the Falcon without anyone noticing them leave? You'd think all eyes would be on that ship?
Luke and Han got costumes, but Chewbacca don't; neither does Ben, or the 2 droids! And they're LOOKING for 2 droids!
But with 60% of their party not in any disguise at all, and sticking out like sore thumbs, they certainly make it to that control room quickly, without being seen - AND, without having any idea of what the layout of this whole massive space station is!
I can't even find my way around a target!!
Ep4: Death Star;
designated duel (Ep1 comparison)
So why does this simple control room have a massive steel drawbridge door - you know,.. one that comes down superfast and could kill somebody? It's a bit of an overkill, don't you think - [rimshot].
Were they expecting an attack inside the Death Star??
"Lord Vader, can you hear me..."
"Yes, my Master."
"I can sense, that there are a bunch of assholes in the control room on the Death Star..."
"WHAAAAT?!..."
"Yes...
They are looking through all of our shit.
And Kenobi is with them!"
"Obi-Wan Kenobi?? I will take care of this, my Master..."
"Excellent. Wipe them out - all of them."
"One question, my Master - which control room is it?"
"WHAT"
"I said which control room is it?"
"Well it's the one with the black and red walls. And it has the massive steel door, you know, that one?!"
"My Master... They all have that."
"What..."
"Yes. There are three thousand six hundred and seventy control rooms - for all a hundred and sixteen docking bays."
"Damn... well I guess you should start looking in them all!"
Wow, Ben's a pretty good map reader...
By just glancing at this confusing green blueprint thing, with like 27 flashing images, he seems to know exactly which way to go.
I'd be like: "Hey, you asshole - you seem to know a lot about this space station... what, 'd you help build it?"
But really, a space station the size of a small moon? And they just happened to get pulled into the exact hangar bay which is located right near all the things that they need to get to.
But they do get back to the Millennium Falcon on foot, right? Like right after when they rescue Princess Leia and get all showered up;
so the prisoner room and the garbage dump that's like one floor below it - is like right near where the hangar bay is?
Same with all 7 power reactor control things that shut off power to the main tractor beam...
Why is this Death Star so big again?
Oh right, the giant space laser. Ah, whatever...
The Death Star is silly and nonsensical; each set is designed for the purpose of the movie's needs:
The prisoner cell block only has one way out; which is great by the way, in case a crazed prisoner escapes and corners a guard?
There are giant steel doors everywhere, that close to block off hallways - utterly pointless, except it's neat to have Han and Chewie jump through a door as it's closing while they're being chased by Stormtroopers.
"Open the blast doors! Open the blast doors!"
I guess they're blast doors...
What are they blasting against? Somebody FIRING A[??]??
I guess they're like watertight bulkhead doors? - like on the Titanic? You know, in case the Death Star hits an iceberg.
And then you got the extendable and retractable bridge over the cavernous pit; this serves no purpose? - unless we want a scene where Luke has to swing across the pit heroically with Leia.
And don't even get me started on the fact that there are no railings anywhere on any of the ?word? walkways, that go above endless pits to nowhere...
It's all very stark, and abstract, and science-fictiony stuff.
I guess the Empire's so confident in its efficiency, that it doesn't need shit like safety railings - they've been accident free for over three years now!
Now you might be saying to yourself, well, I did complain about the Theed power room, right?
But I never really complained about the look of the Theed power room - or the fact that they didn't have no railings either!
And they have these silly rotating force field doors, that led to a little room with a pit in it for no reason...
It was like that little Keymaker guy from the Matrix sequels showed up - and he opened up the door to a completely different fucking world.
I guess George wanted them to have a fight scene on a Star Wars looking set, or something that looked like the Death Star kind of environment? - but he couldn't get them onto one storywise, so he just said that there would be one underneath this old quaint city.
You see we need some kind of connection to reality?, and as absurd as a planet-sized space station with a giant laser is - it's still much more believable than the fact that Naboo has a gigantic power generator under its city;
accessible through doors in some kind of hangar bay for some reason.
And it's like underneath the main palace? And not like a 100 miles away in the middle of nowhere.
It's like having a nuclear powerplant under the White House - not necessarily the greatest idea....
If I owned a nuclear powerplant, I'd probably go and touch the Uranium rods. I'd rub my face against them.. in hopes that I would get superpowers and be able to shoot laser out of my eyes...
But I'd probably just get horrible cancer.
You know, I got something to admit - I got cancer once? But I was cured of it... Because you see, once the cancer cells saw what I did in my basement at night? - they all killed themselves. They said they didn't wanna bring their children into a world such as mine.
Ep4: Death Star
I love it when Han and Luke just shoot everyone;
but if you'll notice, they're also shooting cameras - I suppose to cover their actions after they take control here.
There're like 27 cameras in here... But there are no cameras watching Ben Kenobi when he goes out on that thing to fuck with the sensor controls that deal with the main tractor beam.
AH WHATEVER, I got my vodka gimlet, what do I care...
Although this is more vodka than it is gimlet....
'f you know what I mean...
Look, I don'havea drinking problemmm,regardless of what.. what.. [] the police said- [] OW.. FUCK- []
Ep4: Death Star
"We have an emergency in cell block AA-23."
"The Princess? Put all sections on alert."
"All.. sections... on alert sir? Could you be more.. specific?"
"I said all sections - put all sections on alert."
"All.... sections, sir? It's gonna take quite a while...
How about just the sections on this hemisphere?"
"Fiiiiine, just find out where she's going, or what's happening.
Maybe just put the sections on alert that are around the detention block.
I guess yeah-.... it is a bit of an overkill... to, put all sections on alert?..
I didn't mean to stress you out."
"That's o.k. sir - just doing my job!"
Ep4: Death Star (irr.)
I dunno, everybody's shooting at each other...
But I guess our heroes are lucky that the Stormtroopers only have one way of dealing with intruders on the Death Star - and that's just to shoot at them in a pointless stand-off.
A concussion grenade, rolled down the hallway, would've been great... or, like, maybe, fucking tear gas canisters, or something like that?
D'y'ever get sprayed in the fucking eyes with mace? Jesus Christ, it's like a living nightmare...
Wait a minute - did Leia just call him flyboy? As in a nickname for a pilot? But she has no idea who he is - they haven't been formally introduced yet.
But these are a lot of fun little character moments...
Princess Leia starts complaining about their rescue operation; Han couldn't give a crap, he's just horribly annoyed at this whole trip;
then Leia realizes these two guys are idiots - and she takes charge, cause she's a leader type or whatever.
Then she shoots a vent on the floor and somehow knows that it's a garbage chute... HOW'D SHE KNOW THAT?
And why would a garbage chute be graded like that? Usually that's just like a air vent or somethin'...
It could've led to a dead end, where they all got stuck somewhere...
Or it coulda let straight to a garbage incinerator - nobody knows what that is?
So their idea is to jump in it?..
I guess it's better than nothing? I guess you're fucked one way or the other...
But shit I wouldn't follow her in there, I'd surrender...
So now we're in the garbage compactor scene.
Again, a great, fun scene; that goes from comical, to extremely tense.
The little thing from Prometheus shows up...
but Luke knows better than to try and stick his face in it - because it also tries to wrap its tentacles around him.
So many dangers! So many fun things.
Then, uh-oh, the garbage smasher starts to smash this small amount of garbage in water.
And my question is, in "Empire" we see that the Star Destroyers dump their garbage into space, before they go to Hyperdrive;
now I assume the Death Star has like its own.. asshole, where the garbage comes out, right? So if they're just gonna deposit garbage into empty space - why do they bother to condense it?
I guess while space is vast, it technically isn't infinite; so maybe the Empire is just doing their part to be as green as possible.
You know, like when they blow up planets.
From what I understand, their giant laser beam that blows planets up, is energy star compliant.
Ep4: Death Star
This trash compactor scene is really a lot of fun;
but it always felt like a "give them something to do" kind of scene, in a movie where nearly every scene is motivated.
It's one of those "lowest point" kinda moments, where our heroes struggle against opposition - but it doesn't really serve an overall purpose in the storyline.
It's fun, and tense, and memorable, don't get me wrong - but from a story perspective it doesn't advance the plot too much...
The plot here being that the bad guys wanna blow up the Rebel base - and Han; Luke; Chewbacca; and the useless complaining woman need to stop them.
Having them tied up in the garbage compactor only to escape and go right back to where they were? - eh, it was a little unnecessary roadblock in this series of events.
Ep4: Death Star, US Tatooine
1:22:19-
You know, considering how weird droids are what they were looking for in the first place? And that droids are essentially walking computers that can do all sorts of infiltration, and spying, and whatnot - the Empire's pretty laxed about droids just doing whatever they want on the Death Star?..
How about some kinda basic barcode scanning system on each official Death Star droid - you know like some kinda identification thing.
Who needs to attack the Death Star with ships, when you can just put an undetonated nuclear bomb inside R2-D2...
Let him get tractored in; and then roll around and blow up.
Or stick his little metal rod into their computer system and overload the reactor core.
Who needs a proton torpedo? R2-D2 can do it, he's like a little spy.
The spy who loved me.
But we just couldn't make our relationship work... - he hurt my dick every time I fucked him. [] OWW, I got a shock to my cock..
The Empire is run by retards...
I should run the Empire, I'd be the best Emperor ever.
"You really believe that - don't you."
I didn't ask you.
"You think, you can be as evil as I??"
I am pretty evil?
I killed three wives; I ran over a Korean family with my car; I don't really care that my son hung himself...
"That's it... Stop!"
I murdered a little boy named Johnny in the trunk of a car;
what did you do?
"I executed Order Sixty Six - and killed many Jedi..."
Ep4: Death Star
designated duel
Don't fall, Ben Kenobi, don't fall!
And what a great design, too - it's like.... "come on out and use these controls - good luck..."
Ep4: Death Star
tracking twist
After they got out the garbage dump, everybody takes a shower and changes - you know, cause they've got time to do that.
There is a nice little touch here that you may or may not have noticed ever - I didn't, cause I've cataracts in both of my eyes...
But I used to wonder how they got their clothes back - seemed like it might've been hard to fit them underneath the Stormtrooper black? body suit - but the neat thing is, they apparently did wear their clothes underneath the Stormtrooper costumes, because they couldn't fit their belts.
So in this scene, you'll see them putting on the Stormtrooper utility belts to replace their own utility belts, that probably didn't fit under the Stormtrooper costume.
But Leia somehow manages to dry-clean her bright white princess outfit somehow...
I'm sure like five seconds after they jumped down the hatch, the Stormtroopers could figure out which thing they went into? - and like run down one floor and wait for them outside that door.
The security is really laxed here...
But in all fairness, I guess they were planning to let them go, right - you know, to track them?
But why did they let them go? Why not just murder them? Then keep the ship there and not have to worry about their plans falling back into the wrong hands.
Maybe do a massive droid inventory - and then when you find that you've got an extra R2-D2 and C-3PO that don't belong there? BLOW THEM UP! []
A..I've been shot a million times by Stormtrooper laser guns...
or throw THEM in the garbage dumpster! Smash their R2-D2 and C-3PO up...
Or Vader could stick his fingers into R2's crack... pull out the disk, and smash it.
Ep4: Death Star
Oh my God, the Droids are standing right there... - DON'T NOBODY SEE THEM??!!
Who's in charge of this.. specific control panel over here...
So the robot is doing something very suspicious... - he's putting his little rod into this panel's hole, without the panel's permission;
where I come from, that's called "real good sex".
But seriously, nobody notices them there?
The guy's fucking golden colored - and he's reflective.
Everything in this Death Star is black and silver and grey... and there's a shiny golden guy standing by your control panels. WHY DON'T YOU ASK HIM WHAT THE FUCK HE'S DOING THERE??!
Ep4: Death Star
designated duel
1:29:50
So Obi-Wan fights Vader now.
Vader tells him that he "should not have come back";
then Obi-Wan explains that he didn't come back, but they got sucked up by the tractor beam? - and that he'd gladly leave if given the opportunity.
WHAT A PLOT HOLE! Who made this movie, Christopher Nolan? That overrated hack?
Then Vader says: "Before I was but the learner, now I am the Master."
And then well Ben's like: "Oh.... I got off pretty easy, didn't I. You'd think after running into this guy after all these years he'd be a little more pissed off!
D'you remember the whole lava planet thing? And.. when I cut up.. your all your limbs and disfigured your fucking face?
Just.. "no longer the learner, but now the master", OH k... - geez I thought you were gonna bitch at me more about the whole permanent breathing mask thing...
Or having to wear a black costume and... - you know, never,.. ever getting laid again?
[...]
Wait, didn't Obi-Wan say that there were "alternatives to fighting"? Like, an hour ago?- Ahh, whatever..
So they awkwardly hit each other's lightsabers with each other's lightsabers for a few minutes, and then Obi-Wan lets Darth Vader cut him down in front of Luke.
Well, for one, I guess cause he knew that leaving the sword fight and getting over to the ship, would not only be incredibly awkward, but very difficult.
And, if Luke saw Obi-Wan get killed, he might be filled with anger and vengeance - and then he'd be motivated to try and blow up the Death Star...
Although aren't emotions like anger, hate, and revenge, paths to the dark side?
This whole thing was kind of a mixed message...
Obi-Wan seemed to be kinda seeking out Vader, too...
Was this like a suicide-by-cop in space kinda thing?
Did Obi-Wan recently find out that Jabba cut off his Medicare payments - and that he could no longer afford rent on his dirty hut?
What's funny is that Obi-Wan dies and he doesn't really even know what their mission was; no one ever told him what the information that R2-D2 had was!
I dunno...
But this is also the first appearance of a long argued Star Wars topic, about the whole Jedi death and disappearence thing.
Obi-Wan instantly vanishes when hit by Vader's lightsaber; like he's allergic to deadly laser swords...
Or he's like a man made out of a puff of smoke.
Maybe the idea was that the lightsaber was so hot, that it instantly vaporized all the water in your body, leaving nothing but a collection of dried-up skin and muscle tissue.
Which, thankfully, this horrific sight was concealed in Ben's whole-made robes - as to not frighten the children.
Or this was just a magical fun space adventure and Lucas didn't wanna see an elderly man impaled with a horrible violent weapon.
Which is what happens at the end of The Phantom Menace - the movie made for kids!
In either case, Ben vanishes, and Luke yells "nooooo!" - which I guess is like poetry cause it rhymes.
Then Yoda vanishes when he dies;
but Qui-Gon doesn't.
Neither does Darth Vader.
I wonder if I'll disappear when I die...
Probably not, cause I'm not a Jedi.
I guess I'm more like a Sith lord, if I had to guess...
I remember that my wife disappeared when she died though? Or,.. wait, no, I just lost her body.
I think it's in the woods? Or it could be in concrete somewhere; I don't remember...
I don't even remember which wife I'm talking about...
[]
Oh! My pizza rolls are done. Or was that the doorbell?
THERE ARE SO MANY BELLS AND DEAD WIVES INSIDE OF MY BRAIN I CAN'T KEEP them straight.
Sometimes my brain reverses itself... []
Ep4: stakes arc, Death Star weakness
tracking twist
So finally we get to Yavin - or rather a moon on the far side of Yavin.
Apparently the Rebellion have a hidden base inside some kind of ancient Mayan temple or something.
At last though, we see the full Rebellion - fighter planes...; Leia hugs some weird old guy...; everyone rides around on a golf cart...;
But most importantly, they get the plans for the Death Star off of R2-D2's harddrive;
and then once they analyze the plans, they find out that the Death Star does indeed have a weakness - it's the exhaust port.
Shit, we went through all that for this? I coulda told you it'd be the exhaust port? Just like an educated guess!
Anyways, now some of you will say: why didn't the Empire just close off the hole that blows it up?
And to that I say - it's an exhaust port! Meaning it's a thing that lets out exhaust; OR SOMETHING!!
I suppose it's similar to the tail pipe of a car...; or an asshole of a cat.
You just can't put your dick in it and hope that everything will be normal after that...
The bigger questions you should be asking here are:
Why didn't the Empire have more than 8 TIE Fighters to defend the Death Star?
Or how did Porkins get past basic training?
Anyway; - so Princess Leia does what might be considered the most riskiest and dumbest thing ever:
So she knows they're being tracked; and that R2 has the plans for the Death Star, right?
What she does is they make a B line for Yavin, in the hopes that they can get them the plans; analyze them; AND, find a weakness, before the Death Star comes to blow them up.
Now I'm not a smart man; in fact I never made it past the 3rd grade... I flunked out of school then...
But I could think of better things to do here?
I would take a guess and say that the Falcon could probably outrun a giant metal ball with no apparent propulsion systems, right?
Maybe then they could meet up with a Rebellion ship at some kinda halfway mark, pass off the plans to them - and then maybe head to the Wookiee planet; or maybe go to Vulcan, to pass the time and throw off the Death Star;
then they'll have time for them to analyze the plans.
Maybe the Falcon can set down somewhere, and try to locate the tracking device... you know - get rid of it;
then head back to Yavin at their convenience.
If an attack is possible, then the fleet could go to the Death Star, rather than vice versa. And not give away the location of their secret Rebel base to the rest of the Empire.
Buuut, Leia leads the Death Star straight to Yavin; and they fucking blow it up within 5 seconds of it about to fire its laser at them...
Everyone should FIRE Leia after that?
Should say: "Well, yeah, we made it... we blew up the Death Star, but.. JESUS CHRIST, what the fuck were you thinking??!
? last time we put a woman in charge..."
Put.. R2-D2 in charge of the fucking Rebellion?..
Ep4: stakes arc, Death Star weakness
tracking twist
Or, maybe they paid him in a mildly precious metal, like zinc.
"We said we'd give you 17 thousand Credits, but we didn't say how? Here's some zinc, asshole.
I hear zinc might be the next big precious metal to invest in - maybe in 60 years...
Have fun loading it yourself, too, prick; we got this little thing going on, I don't got anybody to spare to help you.
Oh, also - thanks for saving the lesbian that has essentially doomed us all to death."
Speaking of Leia... Since she basically led the Empire here to this planet - the Empire which is arriving in a planet-blowing-up machine - we'll be forced to relocate our secret base to Hoth; a frozen wasteland of a planet.
Thanks, Princess Who-put-you-in-charge...
Ep 4: trenchrun (irr.), mismatching plot holes:
tracking twist (TIEs)
I love how it all plays out:
The important guys make the run down the trench first and fuck it up;
then everyone starts to get picked off one by one by the TIE fighters, everything's kinda chaos;
then lastly it's up to Luke and a couple of his buddies to make the final run.
This's their last chance - it's all up to some guy they don't even know. A guy who a couple hours earlier was on a moisture farm - complaining about his chores...
[...]
I like how the communication system works on the Death Star; you just gotta walk around the hallways until you find Darth Vader if you have to tell him somethin'.
It's very efficient on a moon sized space station?..
"Ehh [sigh] he's not down this hallway, let me look over here...
Uhh... Anybody see Darth Vader?"
"Yeah he was just.. down hallway one thousand... eight sixty-three."
"Oh... shit; I've only been through.. hallways two thousand... through.. six thousand. I didn't check the one thousands?.. Damn it! ...
Vader? Are you around the corner?
Oh, there you are."
[...]
So here again Vader just happens to run into 2 pilots he needs as his wingmen.
He checked most of the hallways and walked around for about a half an hour, but didn't see any - he just found Stormtroopers runnin' around...
What would've happened if there was just one guy there? Or 3 or 4...
He'd have to tell them: "Even though I know you guys all look.. identical? - I gotta pick these 2 guys, to come with me.
The other guys just kinda shrug their shoulders...
and Vader says, "Continue.. walking around the hallways."
And then the 2 guys that got picked, they go "Oh god.... I think we're gonna get fucking killed out there.. Our job is to shield Vader from laserfire, oh great..."
"Excuse me, Vader, can I walk around the hallways instead? And you.. pick one of the other guys, since you just.. seem to pick us at random?"
And Vader says:
"Uhhh... You were recommended to me - by... another guy walking around the hallways. He said YOU are the best."
And then the pilot says, "What's my name?"
"Uhhhhm... Uhhhh.. uh let me see.. your... badge."
"Why do you need to see my badge, if you knew... uh, who I was because I was recommended to you... by, another guy that was walking around the hallway."
"I just want to.... make sure your... flight.. license is... currently.. up to code."
"You're full of bullshit."
All joking aside though, this is moviemaking at its finest.
This whole sequence is so fucking awesome, exciting, and well edited, that it makes the little hairs on my ass stand up.
The X-wings attack; the TIE fighters respond; and there are classic airplane dogfights in space.
[...]
1:52:47
I have to admit, as exciting as all of this is - you know, the group of fighters attacking a space station, everyone getting killed; the Rebel base on the verge of being obliterated, and Luke single-handedly having to save the day?
The wonderful moment when Luke sets technology aside and decides to embrace the Force - this movie has nothing on the space battle at the end of Episode 1 - remember?? Remember when Anakin accidentally flies a ship into a space battle?
You know, where the Naboo pilots are-.. trying.. to do.. something?
And then he um.. does something.. to the ship... that makes it.. blow up?
So that.... um... ....the power door is opened, for Obi-Wan to attack Darth Maul?
No wait, that.. that's not what happened...
...That's not right..
?, shit, what happened?..
Oh, yeah, yeah yeah, the ship was beaming down some kinda signal - that was gonna make all the robots do something - in order to force the Viceroy, into signing a treaty, that would make Queen Amidala the new, leader of... no, that doesn't sound right...
I don't think that was it..
It was something.. But it was just better. It was better, ok? Itwas much better, the prequels are awesome.
2a) Bluescreen Blues opening
Plinkett: SW Ep3
Number 8: Blue Screen Blues - The Magic of Technology Ruins the Magic of Movies
[...]
Here's a couple examples, and I'm not sure what to pin this on - the use of the greenscreen, or just poor direction;
but it's a good example of why the prequels SUCK.
Okay, so like the most important thing ever happens: Anakin tells Samuel L. Jackson that Palpatine is a Sith - and that he's gonna get them all!
Anakin: "I think Chancellor Palpatine is a Sith Lord."
Mace: "A Sith Lord?"
"We must move quickly if the Jedi Order is to survive." [music cue starts - audible through the background music[
]film audio turned off, leaving only the background music: "Master, the Chancellor is very powerful - you'll need my help if you're going to arrest him." "For you own good, stay out of this affair. I sense a great deal of confusion in you, y-"] Then they just start walking at what can't even be described as a brisk pace! Yawn...
Now in comparison, let's take a look at a scene from that recent Star Trek movie:
Bones chasing Jim: "JIM! I'm not kidding, we need to keep your heart rate down!!"
But Kirk realizes that they are warping into a trap.
[Kirk running frantically through the ship]
[Anakin and Mace Windu walking ("For you own good, stay out of this affair.")] [crickets]
[Kirk keeps running through the crew crowd]
Uhmm… ["For you own good, stay out of this affair. I sense a great deal of confusion in you, young Skywalker; there is much fear that clouds your judgement." "I must go, Master."[ how about a sudden swell of action music as they run, and the camera follows behind them in a frantic pace to gather other Jedis to go confront Palpatine... ]"No. [stops and turns around to face him] If-"]
I- I dunno?
["Master, the Chancellor is very powerful - you'll need my help if you're going to arrest him." "For you own good, stay out of this affair. I sense a great deal of confusion-"] ..M- maybe Samuel was being discreet, or whatever? But the other way just sounds more exciting in a movie! I mean we're not making "Straight Story", right?
But they probably just had like 30 feet of greenscreen [big set platform with greenscreen walls: Lucas gives Bail instructions on where to walk] and track [track in huge Palace room] to work with, and those were the lines that they had to say I guess. ["-confusion in you, young Skywalker; there is much fear that clouds your judgement."]
I guess it just would've been a lot harder to film, if you had a camera with the Steadicam, and you were running through the Jedi Temple, and it was all action packed and stuff? - that would mean Lucas would have to get off his chair and u-.. and... stop drinking his coffee, and they would have to move all the monitors and things.
Wha-.. whatever... ..doesn't require me to have to get off my chair - or have to move all this shit. Don't worry about the audience - as long as you're comfortable; while you're directing the film, that's all that matters.
Then they just start walking at what can't even be described as a brisk pace! Yawn...
Now in comparison, let's take a look at a scene from that recent Star Trek movie:
[...]
Uhmm… how about a sudden swell of action music as they run, and the camera follows behind them in a frantic pace to gather other Jedis to go confront Palpatine...
I- I dunno?
..M- maybe Samuel was being discreet, or whatever? But the other way just sounds more exciting in a movie! I mean we're not making "Straight Story", right?
The alternative that Plinkett suggests here is made up out of 3 components:
1) "as they run" - i.e. running instead of walking;
2) "(a sudden swell of) action music as they run"; and
3) "the camera follows behind them in a frantic pace".
All 3 are absent from this Ep3 scene, and present in the shown scene from "Star Trek".
In order to provide an example of 1)-3), Plinkett turns to a different and unrelated film - which heavily implies that he had to, due to Ep3 (or Ep1-2, for that matter - after all: "but it's a good example of why the prequels SUCK.") not having such examples anywhere.
The phrase "but 1)-3) just sounds more exciting in a movie!" also communicates the same message - that while making this movie, the filmmakers weren't aware of this way of creating excitement in movies, and therefore need Plinkett to tell them;
and point them toward other movies, made by people who did have this knowledge, that have implemented it.
And on top of that, the phrase "how about 1), 2), and 3)" - by lacking any emphasis on all 1)&2)&3) being used in conjunction - implies that any of the 3 would've been a novelty to this movie (trilogy), and something the creators hadn't thought of:
just any characters running somewhere, even without "action music" or the "camera following them in a frantic pace", would've broken new ground;
or running characters with action music but without the camera following them - at least then, even though they'd be neglecting to move the camera, the filmmakers would've still thought of creating excitement in a movie by having characters run to action music, instead of just:
However this excerpt from a later section of the review, shows Anakin doing just that:
Plinkett: Ep3
Number 11: The Language of Cinema
[...]
And then check out this exciting shot. [Mace has beaten Palpatine; Anakin comes running into the office room, then switches walking at a fast pace - all past a completely static camera]
The point I'm trying to make is that there is a very basic language to cinema that seems to have been totally ignored.
Once again, the phrase "totally ignored" leaves little room for interpretation - not "partially ignored", or "totally ignored at times", but "totally ignored": it means that this shot is a representative example, and what applies to this shot also applies to every other shot in this movie (or, again, Ep1-2 as well - "but it's a good example of why the prequels SUCK.").
2b) Bluescreen Blues opening
Plinkett: SW Ep3
Number 8: Blue Screen Blues - The Magic of Technology Ruins the Magic of Movies
[...]
The irony in Star Wars is that even though we see the most vast and open scenery generated by a computer - I just know that the actors are being filmed in a smaller space and restricted;
it just doesn't feel right - and it shatters my suspension of disbelief CONSTANTLY, cause it doesn't look real!
Here's a couple examples, and I'm not sure what to pin this on - the use of the greenscreen, or just poor direction;
but it's a good example of why the prequels SUCK.
Okay, so like the most important thing ever happens: Anakin tells Samuel L. Jackson that Palpatine is a Sith -
[...]
Another pretty clear example of greenscreen disadvantage is when the actors don't know what they're doing. [Obi-Wan and Anakin duelling on a greenscreen set]
[C-3PO takes a tumble] "Wooaaah..."
Like when Obi-Wan confronts Grievous.
[...]
Well wasn't that nice of them, THE LAST EXAMPLE is the opposite of restriction - and if you spend enough time and effort on a sequence, you can literally do amazing things with your characters and put them anywhere [fighting and wrestling on the bridge while lava erupts in the background].
Let's look at that Mustafar fight:
[...]
They explain in excruciating detail just how much work went into shooting a sequence like this - and it's quite amazing, the level of difficulty and complexity; all to make a sequence that the audience will ultimately find boring, cause there's nothing else going on other than that they're fighting.
While the bluescreen restricts in some cases when you don't wanna spend too much time on those boring talking parts? - here it can cause creativity overload.
3) Dumbass agrees
Plinkett: Ep3
Number 7: Is Everyone Blind AND Stupid?
[...]
Anakin is Even Moar Dumberer than Nute Gunray!
[...]
So despite the questionable logic and the very convenient timing of Palpatine's promise to save Padme from dying during childbirth - Dumbass agrees to just go off and kill everyone to neatly tie everything up; - even though to him, none of it would actually make sense.
"Go to the Mustafar system - wipe out Viceroy Gunray."
"Wait.. - why are we killing the Separatists?.. And, how do you know where they are? Why didn't you just.. tell us where they were before?"
"After you have killed all the Jedi in the Temple,-"
"Oh.. - now we're killing all the Jedi, TOO? Wai wait, what? Should I kill the entire Senate, as well?
Wait, who am I not killing besides Padme?"
Vader's pretty fucking dumb...
Plinkett makes it appear as if the assignment to kill the Separatist leaders is given first, the assignment to kill the Jedi in the Temple is mentioned second, and then "after he has killed all the Jedi in the Temple" apparently some kind of 3rd assignment is added on top of these 2;
however in truth, it's the other way around:
First he tells him to kill the Jedi in the Temple - and then he tells him to kill the Separatists on Mustafar.
And the 2 assignments are to be carried out in that same order as well - as is made clear by the word "After", as well as "First", respectively:
SW Ep3
"Because the Council did not trust you, my young apprentice, I believe you are the only Jedi with no knowledge of this plot...
When the Jedi learn what has transpired here, they will kill us - along with all the Senators."
"I agree. The Council's next move will be against the Senate."
"Every single Jedi, including your friend Obi-Wan Kenobi, is now an enemy of the Republic."
"I understand, Master."
"We must move quickly.... the Jedi are relentless. If they are not all destroyed, it will be... civil war, without end.
First, I want you to go to the Jedi Temple - we will catch them off-balance.
Do what must be done, Lord Vader - do not hesitate; show no mercy. Only then will you be strong enough with the Dark Side to save Padme."
"What about the other Jedi spread across the galaxy?"
"Their betrayal will be dealt with.
After you have killed all the Jedi in the Temple, go to the Mustafar system - wipe out Viceroy Gunray and the other Separatist leaders.
Once more the Sith will rule the Galaxy - and, we shall have... peace."
Also, Plinkett claims that both of these mass murder assignments "wouldn't make sense to Anakin" (if he weren't a "dumbass", that is), and simulates the incredulous, skeptical, and shocked/surprised reactions that he should've had to hearing these assignments (again, if he weren't a "dumbass"):
Plinkett: Ep3
Number 7: Is Everyone Blind AND Stupid?
[...]
Anakin is Even Moar Dumberer than Nute Gunray!
[...]
So despite the questionable logic and the very convenient timing of Palpatine's promise to save Padme from dying during childbirth - Dumbass agrees to just go off and kill everyone to neatly tie everything up; - even though to him, none of it would actually make sense.
"Go to the Mustafar system - wipe out Viceroy Gunray."
"Wait.. - why are we killing the Separatists?.. And, how do you know where they are? Why didn't you just.. tell us where they were before?"
"After you have killed all the Jedi in the Temple,-"
"Oh.. - now we're killing all the Jedi, TOO? Wai wait, what? Should I kill the entire Senate, as well?
Wait, who am I not killing besides Padme?"
Vader's pretty fucking dumb...
The 2 aren't quite alike, and are best examined separately:
Plinkett: Ep3
Number 7: Is Everyone Blind AND Stupid?
[...]
Anakin is Even Moar Dumberer than Nute Gunray!
[...]
So despite the questionable logic and the very convenient timing of Palpatine's promise to save Padme from dying during childbirth - Dumbass agrees to just go off and kill everyone to neatly tie everything up; - even though to him, none of it would actually make sense.
[...]
"After you have killed all the Jedi in the Temple,-"
"Oh.. - now we're killing all the Jedi, TOO? Wai wait, what? Should I kill the entire Senate, as well?
Wait, who am I not killing besides Padme?"
Vader's pretty fucking dumb...
SW Ep3
"Because the Council did not trust you, my young apprentice, I believe you are the only Jedi with no knowledge of this plot...
When the Jedi learn what has transpired here, they will kill us - along with all the Senators."
"I agree. The Council's next move will be against the Senate."
"Every single Jedi, including your friend Obi-Wan Kenobi, is now an enemy of the Republic."
"I understand, Master."
"We must move quickly.... the Jedi are relentless. If they are not all destroyed, it will be... civil war, without end.
First, I want you to go to the Jedi Temple - we will catch them off-balance.
Do what must be done, Lord Vader - do not hesitate; show no mercy. Only then will you be strong enough with the Dark Side to save Padme."
"What about the other Jedi spread across the galaxy?"
"Their betrayal will be dealt with."
Several scenes earlier, Palpatine started making claims about the Jedis' "plot" to take over the Republic and the Senate, abolish/disregard/override "democracy" itself:
SW Ep3
"Anakin... you know I'm not able to rely on the Jedi Council. If they haven't included you in their plot, they soon will."
"I'm not sure I understand..."
"You must sense what I have come to suspect - the Jedi Council want control of the Republic. They're planning to betray me."
"I don't think that-.."
"Anakin - search your feelings. You know - don't you?"
"I know they don't trust you."
"Mm.. - or the Senate. Or the Republic. Or democracy, for that matter..."
"I have to admit - my.. trust in them has been shaken."
"Why? ... They asked you.. to do something that made you feel dishonest, didn't they...
They asked you to spy on me - didn't they."
"I don't uh.. ... I don't know what to say."
"Remember back to your early teachings: All who gain power are afraid to lose it - even the Jedi."
"The Jedi use their power for good."
"Good is a point of view, Anakin. The Sith and the Jedi are similar in almost every way - including their quest for greater power."
"The Sith rely on their passion for their strength... They think inwards, only about themselves."
"And the Jedi don't?"
"The Jedi are selfless - they only care about others."
SW Ep3
"I'm going to turn you over to the Jedi Council."
"Of course, you should. But you're not sure of their intentions, are you?"
"I will quickly discover the truth of all this!"
"You have great wisdom, Anakin. Know the power of the Dark Side - power to save Padme."
Then when Mace's team takes off to get him, Palpatine ups the stakes and presents a more extreme version of this "Jedi plot" which now includes possible straight-up murder:
SW Ep3
"You do know, don't you... if the Jedi destroy me - any chance of saving her will be lost."
And finally at the beginning of the scene in question, Palpatine/Sidious claims that after what just happened and "transpired" here, the Jedis' murder plans will now expand to include Anakin as well as the entire Senate - and presents "killing all the Jedi" as a preemptive act of self-defense as well defense of the Senators, the Republic, and democracy (which is essentially an expanded version of what just happened in this room minutes ago - Mace tried to kill Palpatine, and was killed in defense):
SW Ep3
"Because the Council did not trust you, my young apprentice, I believe you are the only Jedi with no knowledge of this plot...
When the Jedi learn what has transpired here, they will kill us - along with all the Senators."
"I agree. The Council's next move will be against the Senate."
"Every single Jedi, including your friend Obi-Wan Kenobi, is now an enemy of the Republic."
"I understand, Master."
"We must move quickly.... the Jedi are relentless. If they are not all destroyed, it will be... civil war, without end.
First, I want you to go to the Jedi Temple - we will catch them off-balance.
Do what must be done, Lord Vader - do not hesitate; show no mercy. Only then will you be strong enough with the Dark Side to save Padme."
"What about the other Jedi spread across the galaxy?"
"Their betrayal will be dealt with."
Plinkett makes two claims about this:
Plinkett: Ep3
Number 7: Is Everyone Blind AND Stupid?
[...]
Anakin is Even Moar Dumberer than Nute Gunray!
[...]
Dumbass agrees to just go off and kill everyone to neatly tie everything up; - even though to him, none of it would actually make sense.
[...]
"After you have killed all the Jedi in the Temple,-"
"Oh.. - now we're killing all the Jedi, TOO? Wai wait, what?
a) that this killing assignment "doesn't make sense" from Anakin's perspective; and, on top of that:
b) that it came out of complete nowhere, and therefore warranted a completely dumbfounded and surprised reaction from him.
Both of Plinkett's claims are obviously false:
a) Within the scenario painted by Palpatine, "killing all the Jedi" makes complete sense - they're planning to become galactic tyrants and commit mass murder, and this is the only way to stop them.
b) Anakin has been familiar with Palpatine's "Jedi plot" scenario for a while by this point - incl. its extremist murder version;
and now he just "witnessed this Jedi plot in action" and killed one of them "in defense" - which was met with Palpatine's approval:
The only thing that's new to him here is this:
"When the Jedi learn what has transpired here, they will kill us - along with all the Senators."
Which
SW Ep3
"What's happening?"
"The Jedi have tried to overthrow the Republic."
"I can't believe that!"
"I saw Master Windu attempt to assassinate the Chancellor myself."
"Oh, Anakin... what are you gonna do??"
"I will not betray the Republic. My loyalties lie with the Chancellor. And with the Senate - and with you."
3a) Jedi coup talk
Plinkett: SW Ep3
Number 6: Fill 'Er Up! with a lot of nothing makes sense
[...]
But then when Obi-Wan finally kills Grievous, Palpatine then springs his trap to have all the Clone Troopers kill the Jedis - and then he blames the Jedis for trying to take over. [Senate speech]
[...]
What would he have done if Grievous escaped AGAIN?
Or if Samuel L. Jackson didn't confront him, and then he melted his own face.
When was he gonna spring this trap anyways if all these events didn't occur?
[...]
So what motivation, now that the war is over? - would the Jedis have to try and take over?
And it's REALLY apparent by his actions that Palpatine is the one who's trying to take over. I mean he is trying to be the Supreme Chancellor forever?
Is everyone blind AND stupid?? [Emperor raising his arms]
Which leads me to my next point:
Number 7: Is Everyone Blind AND Stupid?
[...]
The entire Senate is filled with stupid idiots.
[US Senate] Yeah…. o-.. ok, that's true; yes...
But I was talking about this Senate.
Ok, so during the fight scene with Samuel L. Jackson, Palpatine's own electrical discharges either melt his face - or like reveal his true form as some kind of really old monster ["Become my apprentice - learn to use the-"]; I'm not sure which cause the film doesn't tell us.
I always thought the Emperor was just kinda really old... in "Jedi"?, and just kinda.. looked bad; but now he has a giant-.... puffy, inflamed monster face []. Luke had lightning all over his face - but it didn't-.. turn his.. face into a... puffy monster face []?
But anyway, he tells the Senate that the Jedi – an organization of monks that have been the guardians of peace and justice for over a thousand generations – have suddenly decided to take over the world!
Oh - and I just also happen to look and sound like a monster that wants to take over the world.
Don't mind my creepy black cloak [puts hood on; "Every single-"]! My horribly evil sounding voice, or terrifying face ["Once more the Sith-"].
Also don't mind the fact that I'm yelling about creating a Galactic Empire run exclusively by me.
No no, you see it's the JEDI... that are the ones who tried to take over... And that warranted them all being executed by the army that I control by myself without any kind of trial in the courts to prove that what I'm saying is true.
Yup - we just killed them all! Including the children. And then we burned down their temple? And you're all just gonna have to take my word for it.
Trust me - look at my face ["-peace."]! Would this face lie to you??
You see I've successfully eliminated the only opposition I might've had to form my own Galactic Empire - please continue with the applause. So remember to vote Palpatine in the next election that will never happen - because I said so.
Now is he controlling everyone's minds, or is the Senate THAT stupid?
Even the genius Padme is listening intently and not sure what's real or not; and Padme is a brilliant genius!
As correctly represented by these lines:
Palpatine then springs his trap to have all the Clone Troopers kill the Jedis - and then he blames the Jedis for trying to take over.
But anyway, he tells the Senate that the Jedi – an organization of monks that have been the guardians of peace and justice for over a thousand generations – have suddenly decided to take over the world!
No no, you see it's the JEDI... that are the ones who tried to take over... And that warranted them all being executed
, the Senate speech at the end is the first time that Palpatine tells the Senate anything about this Jedi plot to take over - or, certainly no previous times are confirmed or even hinted at.
However, that doesn't automatically mean that
------------------
From the Senate's (or general public's) perspective, all that preceded this claim by Palpatine
It's directly preceded by the publicly visible attack on the Temple:
And that warranted them all being executed by the army that I control by myself without any kind of trial in the courts to prove that what I'm saying is true.
Yup - we just killed them all! Including the children. And then we burned down their temple? And you're all just gonna have to take my word for it.
- which he then, in this Senate speech, explains and justifies as a response to the Jedis' attempt to take over the Senate, as well as to assassinate him:
"And the Jedi rebellion has been foiled..."
Bail: "What's happened?"
Padme: "The Chancellor's been elaborating on a plot by the Jedi - to overthrow the Senate."
"The remaining Jedi will be hunted down and defeated!"
However, unlike the attack on the Jedi Temple, that attack by the Jedi didn't involve any major building destruction, outdoors fighting, or large numbers of soldiers positioned outside / marching into the building - just 4 Jedi who flew over in a military ship, and a fight that took place exclusively indoors, in one room;
however, a large window was shattered (with debris ), followed by a fight right at the edge of that window that involved bright lightsabers and lightning in the middle of the night, and eventually a Jedi surrounded by that bright lightning flying out of that window and right down on the streets.
Plus, one wonders whether there should've been any guards somewhere outside the Chancellor's office that the Jedi had to get past.
So while not the massive public spectacle that the attack on the Jedi Temple was, it would seem quite likely that at least a few people noticed some of it going on - and then started spreading the news about this incident.
doesn't seem to have been publicly visible or known about at all - as further evidenced by this earlier scene:
SW Ep3
"Are you all right? I heard there was an attack on the Jedi temple, you could see the smoke from here..."
"I'm fine, I'm fine, I came to see if you and the baby are safe..."
"What's happening?"
"The Jedi have tried to overthrow the Republic."
"I can't believe that!"
"I saw Master Windu attempt to assassinate the Chancellor myself."
"Oh, Anakin... what are you gonna do??"
So other than Padme, who got this "exclusive" information from Anakin beforehand, the Empire declaration speech is the first time the Senate ever hears anything about this Jedi attack on Palpatine (preceding the attack on their Temple, which they were already aware of) -
and the only thing they have as "evidence" is Palpatine's "scarred" appearance.
"The attempt on my life has left me scarred, and deformed..."
other than his "scarring", which he is apparently revealing to the public only now,
However Plinkett doesn't seem aware of the fact that Palpatine presents his appearance as evidence for his story - and that it's at the very least serves to give him credibility in the eyes of the Senate to some degree - during this section:
Plinkett: Ep3
Oh - and I just also happen to look and sound like a monster that wants to take over the world.
Don't mind my creepy black cloak [puts hood on; "Every single-"]! My horribly evil sounding voice, or terrifying face.
[...]
Trust me - look at my face! Would this face lie to you??
"Don't mind my [...] horribly evil sounding voice, or terrifying face." - except he doesn't tell them "not to mind" his appearance, rather he directly addresses it and uses it to back up his story and evoke sympathy.
"Don't mind my creepy black cloak!"
During the Senate speech, Palpatine is wearing a dark red cloak - as he's already publicly done before;
however he's also worn black and other dark colored robes in public, along with Valorum and various other Senators and officials.
The only thing that's changed now is the fact that he's got a hood on this time - however this is easily explainable as a decision based on his head scarring.
To what extent, and in what contexts people in this universe are supposed to see someone wearing a "cloak with a hood on" as
-a possible Jedi / Sith / cult monk / evil monster, vs.
-just someone wearing a common and mundane piece of clothing,
Plinkett: SW Ep1
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
[...]
So when two guys wearing robes come on board their ship - Rosie the Robot just assumes they are Jedi Knights and tells the Shatnerians: TC-14: "The ambassadors are Jedi Knights, I believe." - even though almost every single character wears robes in Star Wars. Then somehow this robot knows or-.. thinks they are Jedi Knights.
Hey idiots - so much for the disguise! Even a protocol droid could sniff you out...
Maybe it's not a disguise, but whatever-
[...]
So the Shatnerians immediately inform this mystery guy who they're running this scam with – a guy who looks like Satan – that Jedis are on the ship;
and of course, so we can have an action scene - he tells them to kill the Jedi.
Sidious: "Kill them immediately!"
You see they never once went into the room to say hello to the Jedi - and that they'll be right with them? But they tell Palpatine that they are Jedis. And then they try to gas them to death, based solely on the hunch of a droid.
Plinkett: SW Ep3
Number 7: Is Everyone Blind AND Stupid?
[...]
Nute Gunray is the Stupidest Asshole Ever.
[...]
In The Phantom Menace he was involved in a pointless business arrangement with a distant hologram that looked like Death,
, is a question that can be examined later - however generally speaking, it's not unreasonable to say despite the burned face + distorted voice being accounted for by Palpatine's "Jedi coup" story and evoking sympathetic reactions, and despite the hooded cloak being easily understood as a way to hide the head scarring as well as being a mundane choice of attire in this general society,
this specific combination of these elements, in this particular form and context, could still creep out spectators in the Senate (some, or even all) - and give them the feeling that a Grim Reaper Satan monster is taking over their government before their eyes.
However there's still a huge difference between this actual scenario, and one where Palpatine just showed up sporting this creepy look without any explanation or commentary - which seems to be the one Plinkett falsely thinks is taking place here, during this review segment.
The way it happens in the movie, the Senate is given at least one piece of visible evidence for Palpatine's story (not a sufficient one, but more than nothing), and an explanation for his appearance that not only counteracts/weakens/nullifies its potential creep-out factor, but even turns it around into a cause for sympathy - as well as respect:
"The attempt on my life has left me scarred, and deformed... but I assure you - my resolve has never been stronger!" [applause and cheering]
Whereas the way Plinkett portrays it, there's not even 1 piece of evidence presented for the Jedi coup (making the Senate that much dumber for believing it without any doubts), and Palpatine's appearance is exclusively a giant red flag that the Senate ignores for no reasonable reason at all.
Plinkett does mention the face-melting incident twice during these 2 sections:
Number 6: Fill 'Er Up! with a lot of nothing makes sense
[...]
What would he have done if Grievous escaped AGAIN?
Or if Samuel L. Jackson didn't confront him, and then he melted his own face.
When was he gonna spring this trap anyways if all these events didn't occur?
Number 7: Is Everyone Blind AND Stupid?
[...]
The entire Senate is filled with stupid idiots.
[US Senate] Yeah…. o-.. ok, that's true; yes...
But I was talking about this Senate.
Ok, so during the fight scene with Samuel L. Jackson, Palpatine's own electrical discharges either melt his face - or like reveal his true form as some kind of really old monster ["Become my apprentice - learn to use the-"]; I'm not sure which cause the film doesn't tell us.
I always thought the Emperor was just kinda really old... in "Jedi"?, and just kinda.. looked bad; but now he has a giant-.... puffy, inflamed monster face []. Luke had lightning all over his face - but it didn't-.. turn his.. face into a... puffy monster face []?
But anyway, he tells the Senate that the Jedi – an organization of monks that have been the guardians of peace and justice for over a thousand generations – have suddenly decided to take over the world!
Oh - and I just also happen to look and sound like a monster that wants to take over the world.
Don't mind my creepy black cloak [puts hood on; "Every single-"]! My horribly evil sounding voice, or terrifying face ["Once more the Sith-"].
- however, while brought up in very close proximity to the discussion of Palpatine taking over the world while looking like a monster, a direct connection is never drawn - if anything, the phrase "but anyway," even contributes to severing that connection;
and an awareness of this lightning incident not just being the cause for Palpatine's monster look, but also directly presented by him to the Senate as a consequence of "the Jedi's attempt on his life", isn't visible here.
Number 6: Fill 'Er Up! with a lot of nothing makes sense
[...]
What would he have done if Grievous escaped AGAIN?
Or if Samuel L. Jackson didn't confront him, and then he melted his own face.
When was he gonna spring this trap anyways if all these events didn't occur?
By this, Plinkett could potentially have meant that "if Palpatine didn't melt his own face during an attack by Mace, he wouldn't have had any convincing scarring to present to the Senate" - however he could've also just wondered what Palpatine would've done without Mace's attack, with the "face melting" remark just added to the sentence because it happened in the scene.
What Plinkett did or didn't mean here, is ultimately unclear and up to speculation.
However in the Ep4 audio commentary, he does eventually somewhat address this point:
Plinkett audio commentary: SW Ep4
It's almost laughable to think that Palpatine, in the condition he was in at the end of Revenge of the Sith, was still in power after all these years.
He had a ducking MONSTER FACE...
It's gotta be awkward when you run into him in the elevator...
"Oh, Emperor Palpatine, how are you today?"
"My... face.. hurts."
"What happened to your face?
Or rather should I say: what's wrong with your face."
"The Jedi rebellion... did it.. to me."
"How did the Jedi rebellion.. turn your face, into a monster's face?"
"It's... complicated.."
"Ok;.."
"I prefer silence in the elevator."
"Ok;
...
..Would you mind if I asked you about your face again??"
"Yes I would mind...
The Jedi did this to me, they DISFIGURED ME..."
"Did they disfigure you with a lightsaber, cause if so, y-.. you probably wouldn't have a face."
"Senator from the planet where the E.T.s came from, STOP ASKING ME THESE QUESTIONS!"
"I can't - I just wanna phone home and tell all my friends what happened to your fucking face.
A lot of us E.T.s, we don't really trust you, you know - we think, like-... you might be evil?"
"I... assure you, E.T. - I am not evil."
"You know what I can do - I can bring a dead potted plant back to life;
AND I can vote in the Senate."
3a) before
Plinkett: SW Ep3
Number 6: Fill 'Er Up! with a lot of nothing makes sense
[...]
And just like in the last film, Anakin hangs around with Padme ["I feel lost" scene | luggage packing scene], [Obi-Wan in cockpit, leaving for Utapau | Obi-Wan in cockpit, leaving for Kamino] [Obi-Wan's ship enters the hyperdrive ring | Obi-Wan's ship leaves the hyperdrive ring] while Obi-Wan goes off on a mission by himself that's pointless to the ultimate conclusion of the story;
this is what they call "Filler". [Obi-Wan meets Bruce Spence]
And it's nowhere near as good as the kind they put in Twinkies. [Twinkies] Mmmmm.... I like to fuck my cat... []
You see General Grievance himself is pointless filler - and I'm not sure I even understand him.
He's obviously a pawn of Sidious right? And.. Sidious is Palpatine. And Palpatine's goal is to keep being voted more and more power, right?
But yet he helps establish a centralized leader of the opposition - and then they say this: "- and, I assure you, the Senate will vote to continue the war, as long as Grievous is alive."
["Then the Jedi Council will make finding Grievous our highest priority."] Well if the war is over, then that could end the need for Supreme all powerful Chancellor that has more control over the Senate.
Ki-Adi Mundi: "If he does not give up his emergency powers after the destruction of Grievous, then he should be removed from office."
Hey how about this:
"The robot armies are controlled by a yet unseen force, Master Jedi - this war could go on forever!"
Except for whatever reason he tells Anakin to tell the Jedi where Grievous is:
"Our Clone Intelligence Units have discovered the location of General Grievous"
I guess so that Obi-Wan could go away, and that Palpatine could have more alone time with Anakin to try and sway him over to the Dark Side [evil reveal scene].
But then when Obi-Wan finally kills Grievous, Palpatine then springs his trap to have all the Clone Troopers kill the Jedis - and then he blames the Jedis for trying to take over. [Senate speech]
Why didn't he just do that before??
What would he have done if Grievous escaped AGAIN?
Or if Samuel L. Jackson didn't confront him, and then he melted his own face.
When was he gonna spring this trap anyways if all these events didn't occur?
What if Grievous got killed and then they said "Resign" [deleted scene: Padme's group confronts Palpatine about his power grabbing] - what, was he gonna just take out a lightsaber then? [takes out lightsaber] - Then why didn't he just take out a lightsaber before?? [takes out lightsaber]
Anakin: "We'll be able to capture that monster and end this war!"
So what motivation, now that the war is over? - would the Jedis have to try and take over?
And it's REALLY apparent by his actions that Palpatine is the one who's trying to take over. I mean he is trying to be the Supreme Chancellor forever?
Is everyone blind AND stupid?? [Emperor raising his arms]
Which leads me to my next point:
Number 7: Is Everyone Blind AND Stupid?
Except for whatever reason he tells Anakin to tell the Jedi where Grievous is:
"Our Clone Intelligence Units have discovered the location of General Grievous"
I guess so that Obi-Wan could go away, and that Palpatine could have more alone time with Anakin to try and sway him over to the Dark Side [evil reveal scene].
But then when Obi-Wan finally kills Grievous, Palpatine then springs his trap to have all the Clone Troopers kill the Jedis - and then he blames the Jedis for trying to take over. [Senate speech]
Why didn't he just do that before??
Except for whatever reason he tells Anakin to tell the Jedi where Grievous is:
"Our Clone Intelligence Units have discovered the location of General Grievous"
According to Palpatine, he's merely relaying the information that the "Clone intelligence units" have already found;
and later, Anakin elaborates on this source of information:
SW Ep3
Ki-Adi Mundi (hologram on Kashyyk): "Palpatine thinks General Grievous is on Utapau?"
Anakin (hologram on Kashyyk): "A partial message was intercepted in a diplomatic packet from the Chairman of Utapau."
Anakin either got this detail exclusively from Palpatine as well - which would leave open the possibilities that Palpatine
-made this source up and instead autonomously decided to share his secret Sidious knowledge; or
-had exclusive access to this information, along with the right to withhold it from anyone he wanted;
either amounting to him having had full control over this information, and having autonomously decided to share it with Anakin;
or, Anakin later looked at the original information source - which would then still leave open the possibility that Anakin had exclusive access to Palpatine's clone sources that the other Jedi didn't, due to his special status:
"I'm depending on you."
"For what? I don't understand."
"To be the eyes, ears and voice of the Republic. Anakin - I'm appointing you to be my personal representative on the Jedi Council."
If neither Anakin nor Palpatine had any such exclusive access to this kind of intelligence, and the Clones reported such findings to the Jedi as well as other Republic officials, then that would mean that the Council could've easily learned about this without Palpatine telling them via Anakin.
However, when he relayed this information to the Council, they evidently didn't know yet - and instead of setting out to verify it for themselves (apparently questioning what Palpatine is basing his opinion on), they have Anakin tell them about this source of information:
Ki-Adi Mundi (hologram on Kashyyk): "Palpatine thinks General Grievous is on Utapau?"
Anakin (hologram on Kashyyk): "A partial message was intercepted in a diplomatic packet from the Chairman of Utapau."
So there are several possibilities here:
1) Palpatine decided to share his Sidious information, presenting it as based on an "intelligence interception" that never happened;
2a) he either secretly caused this location leak himself, or had set things up for it to leak and was counting on it - and then, as the Chancellor with the Emergency Powers, also had the exclusive access to this intelligence, and autonomously decided to inform Anakin and the Council;
2b) once the information had reached those Clone Intelligence Units, it became available for the Jedi (or other leading officials) to learn about before, or without Palpatine ever telling them about it - however it was expectedly reported to him first, and not only wanted Anakin and the Council to learn about Grievous' location, but also to be the one they learned it from.
3a) He had no control over the leak, but he did have exclusive access to the Clone intelligence, and decided to disclose it.
3b) He had no control over the leak and no exclusive access to the intelligence - however it had been reported to him first, and he improvised by making himself the one they learned it from.
If that "Chairman of Utapau" was the local leader (played by Bruce Spence) who defied the droid occupation by planting that "message" into that "diplomatic packet" (as opposed to a newly declared Separatist Chairman sending something to fellow Separatists somewhere - although even then), then 3) may not even be that unlikely - Palpatine/Sidious has a very high level of control over both armies, however during the equivalent Naboo occupation, neither the successful resistance by the Jedi and the Queen's group nor the Neimoidians' fuck-ups were ever confirmed as being "part of his plan";
so defiant occupied locals as well as sloppy underlings seem totally capable of causing something not planned by him.
However while not "confirmed as his plan", the Jedi surviving the attack and helping the Queen arrive at Coruscant and influence the Senate, still may have been planned to some extent, or at least one of the expected outcomes - and even if it came as a total surprise, he used it to his advantage by improvising.
In either case, whether informimg the Jedi about Grievous' location was a step in his master plan, or a spontaneous improvisation after it was leaked against his plans, or something inbetween - in all those listed scenarios, the direct action of telling Anakin to tell the Council that Grievous had been found, while acting pleased about this development, was clearly in accordance with
Except for whatever reason he tells Anakin to tell the Jedi where Grievous is:
"Our Clone Intelligence Units have discovered the location of General Grievous"
I guess so that Obi-Wan could go away, and that Palpatine could have more alone time with Anakin to try and sway him over to the Dark Side.
But then when Obi-Wan finally kills Grievous, Palpatine then springs his trap
He tells Anakin
Except for whatever reason he tells Anakin to tell the Jedi where Grievous is:
"Our Clone Intelligence Units have discovered the location of General Grievous"
I guess so that Obi-Wan could go away, and that Palpatine could have more alone time with Anakin to try and sway him over to the Dark Side [evil reveal scene].
He's already having time alone with Anakin and swaying him over to the Dark Side in this very scene - why would he need Obi-Wan to go away for
3b) basics
Plinkett: SW Ep1
P2 of 7
"Part two now focuses on the second biggest problem with the Phantom Menace, the story. The mystery plot lacking direction and emotional involvement was really the other big problem. No tension, no drama, no stakes. Characters aimlessly follow along the events."
[...]
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
[...]
Anyways, so I realize that Senator Palpatine was using the Trade Federation to create a crisis to advance himself politically; like that was the plot I think? But the conflict from the blockade and the subsequent invasion is the entire movie! Understanding what role the Trade Federation played in this, is important...
When/ell you know what the blockade was about, who was getting taxed, what kinda supplies were so crucial to the Naboo - what was it, like medical supplies? Just some kinda plague? Did they not have the capacity to survive on such a lush planet with a huge power reactor for one day without space trade?
You see I would've accepted the idea of some kinda mystery villain [Sidious hologram] if the basics were at least clear...
The "basics" can be understood as the circumstances and events that are known to the general public (or at least the Senate / Coruscant government) and the protagonists (the Naboo officials and the Jedi) from the start - whereas the "mystery plot" is the secret events and plans initially only known to the "mystery villain(s)", and then gradually/partially revealed to the previously clueless parties.
Those "basics", while known by the (relevant) people in-universe, aren't automatically known to the audience - which initially doesn't know anything at all, and to the extent that it isn't filled in, is left lagging behind:
Plinkett: SW Ep2
Number 2: The audience is expected to accept too many things that we are, and are not told.
[...]
You see, this is when a fish-out-of-water main character comes in handy - all those people know this stuff, so they don't talk about it;
but if you throw in a quick scene where a character called a: "Proahtaginist"; has it explained to him - then it's explained to the audience as well.
In this segment, Plinkett apparently forgets that characters who "know this stuff", can and often do "talk about it" on screen - cases in which this is perceived as not realistic/natural enough are typically called "as you know"s, but even those (despite themselves causing believability problems) do the job of filling the audience in.
And if they don't, and there's no "fish-out-of-water character" either, then this still leaves at least 2 methods of conveying this information to the viewer:
-showing it on screen; and
-narration - in this case the opening crawl.
Meanwhile, the "mystery plot" can either
-remain equally hidden from the viewer as well as those informed characters - the viewer discovering it alongside with the protagonists; or
-leave the viewer lagging behind the protagonists' discoveries (just like their already present basic knowledge); or:
-get partially revealed to the viewer before the protagonists catch up with that information (when they do at all).
In the 3rd case, the ways the viewer is given this extra information and is kept ahead of the protagonists are similar to the ways he's given the "generally available" information (i.e. the "basics"):
-showing the conspirators talk about their plans, and/or perform their secret actions;
-pieces of this info being included in the narration.
Plinkett: SW Ep1
P2 of 7
[...]
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
[...]
You see I would've accepted the idea of some kinda mystery villain if the basics were at least clear...
In Ep1, the "openly known circumstances and events" in question are:
-the basic setup of the Republic and its government (mainly the Senate);
-the Trade Federation's general position and role in it;
-and specifically regarding the immediate plot, the nature of the taxation and the subsequent blockade (as it's understood by the Senate, the Jedi, and the Naboo officials (and possibly the general public as well)):
Plinkett: SW Ep1
P2 of 7
[...]
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
[...]
So the Jedis are there to do what exactly? According to the opening title crawl it was to "settle... a dispute, over the taxation of... trade routes".
...
Oh.
So what makes the Jedi Knights experts in intergalactic trade laws?
So the Trade Federation have set up a blockade around... Naboo, in order to stop them from getting space supplies - which instantly causes some kinda... crisis? - that we never see.
[record scratch]
Okay.… ..... I don't get it:
Why would an organization called The Trade Federation wanna blockade trade? Ric Olié: "There's the blockade!" Usually a blockade is to stop something you don't want to get in?
You see we once set up a naval blockade around Cuba - to stop the Russians from setting up missile launchers there.
It was a little event you might've heard of; wasn't a big deal, you know? - but you might've heard of it it was called WORLD WAR ONE?!
Geez you stupid people gotta learn your history right...
So if the Trade Federation were like merchants, moving goods and services around the Galaxy, then why did they seem more like a military, with armies of robots?
However if they were like a bureaucracy that was in charge of overseeing and regulating trade routes - you'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes - unless all the taxes went straight to like a Space Obama, and they didn't see any of it?
The point is I'm still not sure what the doughnut ships were there to do.
And don't any of you f*****s tell me that it was explained more in the novelization or some Star Wars book... What matters is the movie.
I ain't never read one of them Star Wars books... or any books in general for that matter; and I ain't about to start.
Don't talk about them stupid video games, or... or novels…. or f-.. comic books, or any of that fucking crap.
I've seen enough of that SHIT.
I got Phantom Menace toys scattered all over in my basement. You see my grandkids play with them down there when they come over to visit - and they leave that shit all over the place.
Lemme see if I can find some of them so I can show you; I'ma go down in my basement now, hold on. I gotta switch the cameras...
[...]
Anyways, so I realize that Senator Palpatine was using the Trade Federation to create a crisis to advance himself politically; like that was the plot I think? But the conflict from the blockade and the subsequent invasion is the entire movie! Understanding what role the Trade Federation played in this, is important...
When/ell you know what the blockade was about, who was getting taxed, what kinda supplies were so crucial to the Naboo - what was it, like medical supplies? Just some kinda plague? Did they not have the capacity to survive on such a lush planet with a huge power reactor for one day without space trade?
You see I would've accepted the idea of some kinda mystery villain if the basics were at least clear...
So at this point it makes sense to examine how clear or not clear these "basics" are made to the viewer - and, to the extent that it is made clear, in what ways that information is conveyed.
The 1st point was:
"-the basic setup of the Republic and its government (mainly the Senate)"
Plinkett: SW Ep2
Number 2: The audience is expected to accept too many things that we are, and are not told.
[...]
So after we're told that Obi-Wan and Anakin are friends based on all the events that happened that we didn't get to see - we're then expected to know a few things without being told them;
two very integral components of the film: Intergalactic Space Politics; and The Jedi.
Now let's talk about what we DO know.
We know that the Jedi are a Order of Knights that live in a Temple on Coruscant;
then the Galactic Senate is a big collection of representatives from thousands of systems that all meet in a big mushroom and vote on things - a large, corrupt, and impotent United Nations in space. I'll explain the impotence later."That's what heeeeeeeee saaaaaaaaaid!"
Hey!... Hey you can't do that? Only guys can do that...
So it really is kind of amazing how inept and corrupt this space democracy is; it's quite shocking how they can't put something so big, to good use. I guess size really DOESN'T matter...
But this topic is a little too tight right now - I'll get deeper into that later.
Hm-khm...
I'll get deeper... into that later.
[]
Ohhhh....
So here's a couple things that no one understands at all:
Apparently anyone can replace a Senator [Padme talking to Jar Jar]; pose as a Senator [Cordé]; and propose sweeping legislation in place of a Senator [Jar Jar] - even a cartoon rabbit that sounds like a retard. "Dellow Felegates."
Apparently Jar Jar did it all on his own without consulting anyone, after being obviously guilted into it:
Mas Amedda: "If only… Senator Amidala, were here." [laughtrack]
Palpatine: "Mm..." [laughtrack intensifies]
[cut to Jar Jar close-up] [laughtrack intensifies even more]
[Sidious] Then all we know about the Sith is that they're bad guys - [Maul] that's pretty much it. Are they all ex-Jedis? [Dooku]
"You refer to the Prophecy of the One who will bring balance to the Force..." [????????]
Then what is this Prophecy about? What does it say? Who wrote it? When? What does bringing balance to the Force mean exactly?
"I don't believe this..."
You see, this is when a fish-out-of-water main character comes in handy - [Ep2 opening: Palpatine and Jedi in office] all those people know this stuff, so they don't talk about it; [...]
then the Galactic Senate is a big collection of representatives from thousands of systems that all meet in a big mushroom and vote on things - a large, corrupt, and impotent United Nations in space.
This bit is presented as something that "we do know":
All the other points are presented as things that aren't made clear to the viewer (i.e. examples of this segment's subject and central claim):
However the only points among those that have to do with "Intergalactic Space Politics" are exclusively relevant to Ep2, and aren't in any way applicable to Ep1 (or Ep3 for that matter):
Plinkett: SW Ep2
Number 2: The audience is expected to accept too many things that we are, and are not told.
[...]
So here's a couple things that no one understands at all:
Apparently anyone can replace a Senator [Padme talking to Jar Jar]; pose as a Senator [Cordé]; and propose sweeping legislation in place of a Senator [Jar Jar] - even a cartoon rabbit that sounds like a retard. "Dellow Felegates."
Apparently Jar Jar did it all on his own without consulting anyone, after being obviously guilted into it:
They're also irrelevant to anything in Ep2 that doesn't have to do with
-Jar Jar's new job, or
-Padmé's 2 decoys.
So apparently according to Plinkett, the
"-basic setup of the Republic and its government (mainly the Senate)"
, Jar Jar and decoys aside, is clear:
then the Galactic Senate is a big collection of representatives from thousands of systems that all meet in a big mushroom and vote on things -
Of course he forgets to mention a crucial element - the Supreme Chancellor, the "leader" of the Republic, and, specifically, of the Senate as well.
This basic hierarchy is rather clearly shown both via the visually unambiguous structure of the Senate room, as well as its correspondingly clear session procedures:
the Chancellor in the center at the top, and the Senators all on platforms arranged in an even circle around him - supposed to speak only when he allows them to:
Valorum: "The Chair recognizes the Senator from the sovereign system of Naboo."
Palpatine: "Supreme Chancellor, delegates of the Senate - a tragedy has occurred, which started right here with the taxation of trade routes, and has now engulfed our entire planet in the oppression of the Trade Federation."
"This is outrageous! I object to the Senator's statements!"
Valorum: "The Chair does not recognize the Senator from the Trade Federation at this time!"
However beyond this fundamental setup, the power/decision-making distribution between the Chancellor, the Senate / Senators, and the "bureaucrats", is left unclear;
the extent of the Senate's "voting" capabilities (both in relation to the Chancellor's powers, as well as to potential Chancellor election voters outside the Senate - such as the common citizenry, for instance) aren't made unambiguously clear either.
The only other bodies of the government that are ever brought up (once per movie, that is) are the "Supreme Court", or "the Courts" - the role and capabilities of this judicial branch are also never quite cleared up;
and the "Congress", which is once mentioned in Ep1's crawl.
- a large, corrupt, and impotent United Nations in space. I'll explain the impotence later.
The nature and details of this "corruption" and "impotence" (and general dysfunctionality) are left very unclear as well - it's also unclear where precisely those are located (within as well as / or outside the Senate);
PLUS,
-all the information about the "corruption", as well as some of the talk about the "impotence", comes (or at least is confirmed to come) from Palpatine and Dooku - both of whom present themselves as insiders (to some, and again unclear, extent) relaying this information to (apparently to some, again unclear, extent) clueless characters (Amidala and Obi-Wan, respectively), and then turn out to be unreliable and deceitful;
-both the corruption and weakness/dysfunctionality are connected to the "mystery villains" and their secret infiltration of this political system - which is confirmed to be real on-screen, but a lot of the claims about which also comes from those same unreliable deceivers / mystery villains (Sidious isn't completely honest with Nute Gunray either).
Since all of these unclarities aren't directly relevant to
"-the Trade Federation's general position and role in it" and
"-the nature of the taxation and the subsequent blockade (as it's understood by the Senate, the Jedi, and the Naboo officials (and possibly the general public as well))"
, but rather to the subsequent invasion as well as the "mystery plot", they'll be examined later - however it'll have to be done without Plinkett's help:
Primarily just the start of the running Freudian gag that is concluded at the end of Number 4: Love and Marriage,
I'll explain the impotence later.
"That's what heeeeeeeee saaaaaaaaaid!"
Hey!... Hey you can't do that? Only guys can do that...
So it really is kind of amazing how inept and corrupt this space democracy is; it's quite shocking how they can't put something so big, to good use. I guess size really DOESN'T matter...
But this topic is a little too tight right now - I'll get deeper into that later.
Hm-khm...
I'll get deeper... into that later.
[]
Ohhhh....
Plinkett: SW Ep2
Number 4: Love and Marriage
[...]
But I'll get deeper into that business later.
"That's whaat heeeeeee saaaaaaaaiiiid......"
Hey... - cut it out! Look, I said I'll talk about their love later; I just wanted to touch my briefs on this.- ..IIII mean briefly touch on this.
Til' then I'll leave you with the immortal words of Dr. Sigmund Freud: "Sometimes a cigar, is just a giant vagina in the desert that swallows men whole."
, this doesn't seem to double as a real announcement to examine this corruption/inefficacy at a later point - and even if it did, in either case Plinkett never follows up on that announcement, and never brings up this subject again;
nor does he ever delve into the questions about the voting / power distributions or the "bureaucrats".
And judging by this quote, he doesn't seem to be aware of all these unclarities at all:
Now let's talk about what we DO know.
[...]
then the Galactic Senate is a big collection of representatives from thousands of systems that all meet in a big mushroom and vote on things - a large, corrupt, and impotent United Nations in space.
Presenting the Senate's "voting" activities, and especially the "corruption and impotence" as "things that we DO know" (in contrast to the things that are "left unclear") betrays an obliviousness to all the open questions connected with both these aspects of the Senate (and the rest of the Republic government as well).
However as far as relevance to
goes,In Ep1, the "openly known circumstances and events" in question are:
-the basic setup of the Republic and its government (mainly the Senate);
-the Trade Federation's general position and role in it;
-and specifically regarding the immediate plot, the nature of the taxation and the subsequent blockade (as it's understood by the Senate, the Jedi, and the Naboo officials (and possibly the general public as well)):
accounts for "-the basic setup of the Republic and its government (mainly the Senate)" sufficiently.- the Supreme Chancellor, the "leader" of the Republic, and, specifically, the Senate as well.
This basic hierarchy is rather clearly shown both via the visually unambiguous structure of the Senate room, as well as its correspondingly clear session procedures:
the Chancellor in the center at the top, and the Senators all on platforms arranged in an even circle around him - supposed to speak only when he allows them to:
SW Ep1
Valorum: "The Chair recognizes the Senator from the sovereign system of Naboo."
Palpatine: "Supreme Chancellor, delegates of the Senate - a tragedy has occurred, which started right here with the taxation of trade routes, and has now engulfed our entire planet in the oppression of the Trade Federation."
"This is outrageous! I object to the Senator's statements!"
Valorum: "The Chair does not recognize the Senator from the Trade Federation at this time!"
So now
"-the Trade Federation's general position and role in it;
-and specifically regarding the immediate plot, the nature of the taxation and the subsequent blockade (as it's understood by the Senate, the Jedi, and the Naboo officials (and possibly the general public as well))"
can be examined.
Plinkett: SW Ep1
P2 of 7
[...]
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
[...]
So if the Trade Federation were like merchants, moving goods and services around the Galaxy, then why did they seem more like a military, with armies of robots?
However if they were like a bureaucracy that was in charge of overseeing and regulating trade routes - you'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes - unless all the taxes went straight to like a Space Obama, and they didn't see any of it?
[...] what the blockade was about, who was getting taxed,
The Trade Federation is led by a "Viceroy", seems to have a membership exclusively composed of Neimoidians (just as, conversely, all Neimoidians shown on screen are Trade Federation members) some of whom perform military controller tasks and have military ranks:
"What's the situation, Captain?" Neimoidian: "Two Jedi have landed in the main hangar bay - we're tracking them!"
, has "battleships":
, and seemingly exclusive control and command over their robot army.
They also have a Senator in the Senate, and seem to have the same status there as Naboo and every other floating platform:
Valorum: "The Chair recognizes the Senator from the sovereign system of Naboo."
Palpatine: "Supreme Chancellor, delegates of the Senate - a tragedy has occurred, which started right here with the taxation of trade routes, and has now engulfed our entire planet in the oppression of the Trade Federation."
"This is outrageous! I object to the Senator's statements!"
Valorum: "The Chair does not recognize the Senator from the Trade Federation at this time!"
There's also a brief mention of a place called "Neimoidia" - or at least that's one half of its name:
"Alright... - but you owe me one; and not for saving your skin for the 10th time."
"9th time - that business on Cato Neimoidia doesn't.. doesn't count. I'll see you at the briefing."
These are all internal as well as external (i.e. in the context of the Republic) traits of a (single-species, in this case) "regular" nation-state Republic member with a home planet/system/territory - like Naboo or Kashyyk are shown to be.
At the same time, they're also called the Trade Federation, are the only ones mentioned to be negatively affected by that taxation of the trade routes (albeit only the ones "to outlying star systems"),
The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation
may or may not have some kind of monopoly over trade or trade transportation (being able to "boycott" a planet themselves to begin with - although they evidently still have business competition left, whom they have to physically stop via their warships):
"The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo."
"You will not be so pleased when you hear what I have to say, Viceroy: Your trade boycott of our planet has ended."
and have a "trade franchise" under the authority of the Senate that is vital to them:
Amidala: "The Federation would not dare go that far!"
Panaka: "The Senate would revoke their trade franchise - and they'd be finished."
They seem to be engaging exclusively in "trade", and are getting business licenses from the Republic government that regulates them - these all sound like traits of a business company, again internally as well as externally;
and unlike the Naboo, whose regular citizens are shown at the ending celebration:
Plinkett: SW Ep1
Number 10: On to Planet Number 3. Is it time for death yet?
[...]
In fact I haven't even seen any Naboo citizen at all - as far as I know it's a city with 20 or so pilots, a couple of bureaucrats and officials.
, in addition of being talked about all the time:
Plinkett: SW Ep1
Number 10: On to Planet Number 3. Is it time for death yet?
[...]
So the Queen waits around for some kind of approval, o-.. for something, to stop her people from dying-
Why are they dying? I guess they're dying though...
But I didn't see anyone die?
"I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die, while you discuss this invasion in a committee!"
, the only Neimoidians shown on screen are leaders, military controllers, and whoever those officials were who were standing around in the Naboo throne room during the occupation - no such thing as "regular Neimoidian civilians" are ever hinted to exist; and if they do, there's no way of telling what their "society" may look like.
"Here, Master - Tatooine. It's small, out of the way, poor; the Trade Federation have no presence there."
Panaka: "How can you be sure?"
Qui-Gon: "It's controlled by the Hutts."
Panaka: "You can't take Her Royal Highness there, the Hutts are gangsters! If they discovered her-"
Qui-Gon: "...It'd be no different than if we landed on a system controlled by the Federation; except that the Hutts aren't looking for her - which gives us the advantage."
Qui-Gon: "Your Highness - with your permission, we're heading for a remote planet called Tatooine; it's in a system far beyond the reach of the Trade Federation."
And according to these 2 scenes, they have "control" over what sounds like most wealthy/big and even some poor/small planets, having a very wide reach and presence - which makes them sound like some kind of "dystopian megacorp" that, while officially operating within and under the authority of the Republic, has effectively snatched control over large portions of its territory.
Their ability and willingness to "enhance their business monopoly" through military force, here apparently physically preventing others from engaging in trade with Naboo,
"Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo."
, on top of "boycotting" them themselves,
"You will not be so pleased when you hear what I have to say, Viceroy: Your trade boycott of our planet has ended."
, is seen as "alarming" by the Republic government (although it's not quite clear whether they only see this blockade as "alarming", or also the initial taxation - since that one's also part of this "chain of events") :
"While the Congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events,"
- but is also repeatedly claimed by themselves to be legal and government approved:
"As you know, our blockade is perfectly legal - and we'd be happy to receive the ambassadors.""Beware, Viceroy - the Federation has gone too far this time." "We would never do anything without the approval of the Senate... You assume too much."
This recent blockade seems to be an unprecedented kind of action by them - something they weren't necessarily expected to dare or be able to get away with, the "legality" of which seems to be met with some degree of skepticism - but also something they clearly had the military might to pull off.
And analogously, the subsequent invasion - while definitely unprecedented and illegal (at first, that is) - is also something they were already known to have the physical means to pull off:
Sio Bibble: "A communications disruption can mean only one thing - invasion."
Amidala: "The Federation would not dare go that far!"
Panaka: "The Senate would revoke their trade franchise - and they'd be finished..."
Amidala: "We must continue to rely on negotiation."
Sio Bibble: "Negotiation? We've lost all communications! And where are the Chancellor's ambassadors?"
Panaka: "This is a dangerous situation, Your Highness. Our security volunteers will be no match against a/the battle-hardened Federation army."
Looks like the Trade Federation has even fought "battles" before - evidently not against Republic members or forces, given the incredulity this imminent invasion is met with; gangsters perhaps?
Even disregarding this battle talk however, it's clear that while Panaka doesn't see any way for the Trade Federation to pull this off within the law, he quickly realizes that their physical ability to cut off their communications allows them to operate outside the law - and use their strong military force way beyond whatever its initial officially claimed and legally approved purpose was (something probably involving self-defense against criminals, or fighting mob forces).
And then it turns out they do have the ability to make this invasion legal after all - and after the fact, at that:
Sio Bibble: "How will you explain this invasion to the Senate?"
"The Queen and I will sign a treaty that will legitimize our occupation here - I have assurances it will be ratified by the Senate."
"I will not cooperate."
"Now, now, Your Highness - in time, the suffering of your people will persuade you to see our point of view.
Commander."
"Yes, sir."
"Process them."
It's not clear what the Queen's group were supposed to think of those "assurances" - whether:
-such treaties were a more or less standard or at least already established procedure for the Trade Federation to establish their "presence" on various planets, and those "assurances" were given by someone clueless of this "presence on Naboo" starting as a pre-legal violent invasion, and the treaty being planned to be achieved through force;
-they were given by someone fully aware of this yet-illegal invasion, and the Trade Federation's methods of achieving this treaty legalizing it after the fact - but willing to keep the Republic uninformed about this; or:
-this treaty is, in fact, a completely new legal mechanism that was just devised by the Trade Federation and their collaborators in the government - who're of course aware of everything the Trade Federation is doing, and help them keep the secret.
The 1st scenario would merely mean that the Trade Federation is able to abuse the Republic's contract laws by achieving those contracts through force and then presenting them as voluntary - pulling this off via a combination of their communication blocking technology and military force, both of which were already known to the Naboo court before the invasion started;
the only revelation to them, in this case, would be the specific legal mechanism that the Federation is going to use here, which they apparently hadn't thought of on their own before asking this question - but which also wasn't an utter shock to them, implying that it wasn't the most standard procedure but still an established and mundane one.
However the 2nd scenario would mean an infiltration of the Republic government by the Trade Federation - and the 3rd would mean an even stronger infiltration, giving them the ability to have new laws created for them on the fly, and making the situation that much more unpredictable.
Of course in reality, there is a heavy infiltration going on - those "assurances" were given to them by Sidious:
"This turn of events is unfortunate - we must accelerate our plans. Begin landing your troops."
"My Lord... - is that... legal?"
"I will make it legal."
"The invasion is on schedule, my Lord."
"I have the Senate bogged down in procedures - they will have no choice but to accept your control of the system."
"The Queen has great faith that the Senate will side with her..."
"Queen Amidala is young and naive - you will find controlling her will not be difficult."
"Yes, my Lord."
"And Queen Amidala - has she signed the treaty?"
"She has... disappeared, my Lord... One Naboo cruiser got past the blockade."
"Ahhh... I want that treaty signed!"
"Good. I will see to it that in the Senate things stay as they are.
I'm sending my apprentice, Darth Maul, to join you."
And later, Palpatine does inform Amidala about at least an aspect of that infiltration:
Mas Amedda: "Excuse me, Chancellor."
"Enter the bureaucrats - the true rulers of the Republic; and on the payroll of the Trade Federation, I might add."
While both, in both those contexts, turn out to be unreliable manipulators, Mas Amedda (who's later shown to be fully aware of Palpatine's Sith powers) is directly seen influencing/controlling the Chancellor here, thus proving that an infiltration is absolutely taking place here.
However the Naboo don't know any of this at this point - and judging by the way they then relay this information from Gunray to the Jedi, they didn't seem to conclude that this treaty and those "assurances" indicated any kind of infiltration, a rapidly morphing law, or any additional level of unpredictability.
And Qui-Gon doesn't seem to think this treaty scheme by itself is indicating anything alarming either - his notion of even greater unpredictability and danger and something secret going on behind the scenes coming solely from his psychic senses, combined with not understanding the Trade Federation's invasion motivation (something the Queen's group apparently hadn't considered, or attributed any meaning to - they were discussing the Federation's legal capabilities and character/boldness, but not their potential motivations and what further things those might imply):
Qui-Gon: "They will kill you if you stay."
Sio Bibble: "They wouldn't dare!"
Panaka: "They need her to sign a treaty to make this invasion of theirs legal, they can't afford to kill her!"
Qui-Gon: "There is something else behind all this, your Highness - there's no logic in the Federation's move here. My feelings tell me they will destroy you."
Either way, judging by the way this Naboo situation went down, one can make some reasonable assumptions about what that "Federation presence on / control of those star systems" may look like:
Probably a heavy presence of Neimoidian officials "regulating&overseeing trade" on those planets, all according to signed agreements and/or approved/tolerated by the Senate;
surrounded by their droid forces, stated to be there for legal, "defense" kinds of reasons - possibly not committing any (at least obvious or sufficiently known about) "transgressions" so far, and facing no effective resistance or limitations from either the local forces or the Republic;
whether they'd be able to pull off something as big as they did on Naboo on all those other places and use their army to establish an all-out tyranny and dethrone the local authorities (while keeping it all secret from the Senate and everyone else, of course) is very questionable - Naboo was established as having rather weak defence forces:
Plinkett: SW Ep1
Number 5: I can't put enough quotation marks around the word "Story", so I won't tr-
[...]
And what the fuck are the Naboo gonna do anyways? They don't even have a real army - just volunteers.
Cpt. Panaka: "Our security volunteers will be no match against ?a/the? battle-hardened Federation army."
So the droid army just rolls in; unchallenged, as expected.
And apparently "control by the Hutts" precludes control by the Trade Federation, meaning any local forces at least on a comparable level to the Hutts probably wouldn't succumb to them:
"Here, Master - Tatooine. It's small, out of the way, poor; the Trade Federation have no presence there."
Panaka: "How can you be sure?"
Qui-Gon: "It's controlled by the Hutts."
Panaka: "You can't take Her Royal Highness there, the Hutts are gangsters! If they discovered her-"
Qui-Gon: "...It'd be no different than if we landed on a system controlled by the Federation; except that the Hutts aren't looking for her - which gives us the advantage."
However now fully aware of the extent to which the Federation is willing to use their armies way beyond their (probably "benign") legal and officially stated purposes, and the unreliability of their own prior assumptions of what they "wouldn't dare" to do, when it comes to a transgression as relatively "small" as arresting an individual / ship crew who landed on one of those controlled planets, everyone on that Naboo cruiser has every reason to think the Federation would be able to pull this off without being stopped by anyone - and treat
Of course given the limited snippets of information in the movie(s), it's also possible that the Federation has already achieved full military or even administrative control of all those systems, thus already having established itself as a -
possibly comparable to the way the Hutts effectively rule Tatooine despite it "officially" being subject to Republic laws (with the difference that the Hutts are criminals with no ties to or approvals by the Senate at all):
"I can't believe there's still slavery in the galaxy - the Republic's anti-slavery laws are-"
"The Republic doesn't exist out here - we must survive on our own."
So while these pieces of information don't amount to a very clear picture, the Trade Federation appears to be some kind of company or megacorp / single-species nation state hybrid - they may have a species home planet in whatever "Cato Neimoidia" is, they have a single seat in the Senate along with regular nation states, but as an (also army-owning) business company licensed/regulated by the Senate, they also have some kind/degree of trade monopoly ........
SW Ep1
Palpatine: "If I may say so, Your Majesty, [Palpatine closer-up, standing to Amidala's left] the Chancellor has little real power - he is mired by baseless accusations of corruption; [Amidala middle-range shot] the bureaucrats are in charge now."
SW Ep1+
Mas Amedda: "Excuse me, Chancellor."
Palpatine: "Enter the bureaucrats - the true rulers of the Republic; and on the payroll of the Trade Federation, I might add."
Speculating about the Trade Federation possibly being "a bureaucracy" within Space Obama's Republic government, when there are actual named "bureaucrats" in this same government that are said to be "on the payroll" of the Trade Federation, once again betrays Plinkett's apparent obliviousness to these lines and this plot point;
also, the notion that they could be a branch of this government seems strange, given how they're a "Federation" led by a "Viceroy" (who would exist in the same government led by the "Supreme Chancellor", but instead of being a royal co-leader, would be merely the head of a trade regulation bureauceacy) - something Plinkett apparently wasn't thinking about during that moment either.
He mentions them "seeming like a military, with armies of robots" - however the Republic
However strictly speaking, neither of these things categorically rule out such a scenario - since it just might be the case that possibility might also be a bureaucracy within the central government.
However the same scene also shows that the Trade Federation has a "Senator" who sits on a mobile platform just like every other Senator, and needs the Chancellor's permission to speak:
SW Ep1
Valorum: "The Chair recognizes the Senator from the sovereign system of Naboo."
Palpatine: "Supreme Chancellor, delegates of the Senate - a tragedy has occurred, which started right here with the taxation of trade routes, and has now engulfed our entire planet in the oppression of the Trade Federation."
"This is outrageous! I object to the Senator's statements!"
Valorum: "The Chair does not recognize the Senator from the Trade Federation at this time!"
This (all but) confirms that the Trade Federation is, in fact, not a part of the central government, but rather has some kind of equivalent status to Naboo and other local system/planet states like it - apart from and hierarchically below the Coruscant-based Republic government and the Chancellor.
Plinkett: SW Ep1
P2 of 7
[...]
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
[...]
So if the Trade Federation were like merchants, moving goods and services around the Galaxy, then why did they seem more like a military, with armies of robots?
There's nothing about being "merchants", or a corporate entity, that prevents one from having a private army - let alone a robot produced in a factory;
however with some of the Neimoidians performing what seems like military controller tasks (and at least in Ep3 even having military ranks):
, they do indeed "seem like a military" beyond just having a robot army and "deadly battleships".Grievous: "What's the situation, Captain?" Neimoidian: "Two Jedi have landed in the main hangar bay - we're tracking them!"
Then their leader is also called a "Viceroy", and, of course, they're called the "Trade Federation" - so not only do they "seem like a military" rather than mere merchants, they also seem like a state/government rather than mere merchants.
Another state-like trait of theirs is that all of their members shown on screen are Neimoidians, and all Neimoidians shown on screen are Trade Federation members - which gives them a similarity to single-species-planet societies and Republic members like Kashyyk, Utapau, or Naboo/Gungans.
And with them being represented in the Senate, these shoes all seem to fit together - the Trade Federation appears to be some kind of company-state hybrid, with a similar position in the Republic as the regular society-states like Naboo; even though nothing beyond that is clear.
Plinkett: SW Ep1
P2 of 7
[...]
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
[...]
So if the Trade Federation were like merchants, moving goods and services around the Galaxy, then why did they seem more like a military, with armies of robots?
However if they were like a bureaucracy that was in charge of overseeing and regulating trade routes - you'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes - unless all the taxes went straight to like a Space Obama, and they didn't see any of it?
So Plinkett's thought process here seems to be that the only way the Trade Federation being unhappy with "these new taxes" would make sense, is if they were "merchants" getting taxed by the government - however them "being like a military" in some way precludes them from being merchants, and instead leaves the only other possibility that they're a part of that government;
except that that in turn precludes them from being unhappy with those new taxes, since this government is the one that does the taxing, and they as part of this government should be receiving a share of these taxes (unless they're denied that share because it all goes to Space Obama).
However: even though it's unclear how exactly it works, the Trade Federation being a merchant-military-state is not, in fact, a contradiction;
and neither is them getting taxed while being a state with a military, since the Republic is a union of local states under a central supreme government, and the Trade Federation may very well be such a local state rather than a part of the Coruscant government - which they're confirmed to be in the Senate scene.
Once again it's evident that Plinkett wasn't thinking about that scene while engaging in his speculation;
however very strictly speaking, this doesn't completely explicitly rule out the alternative
basic set-up clear -> TF
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
So for instance,
Okay.… ..... I don't get it:
Why would an organization called The Trade Federation wanna blockade trade? Ric Olié: "There's the blockade!" Usually a blockade is to stop something you don't want to get in?
Whenever
-a seller needs the money from a buyer less than that buyer needs that product - or,
-the seller can sell his product to other buyers, while the buyer can only get that product from this seller,
the seller can
However beyond this fundamental setup, the actual power/decision-making distribution between the Chancellor and the Senate / Senators (as a voting collective), is not entirely clear;
the extent of the Senate's "voting" capabilities (both in relation to the Chancellor's powers, as well as to potential Chancellor election voters outside the Senate - such as the common citizenry, for instance) leaves open questions as well
SW Ep1:
"There is no civility - only politics.
The Republic is not what it once was. The Senate is full of greedy, squabbling delegates. There is no interest in the common good.
I must be frank, Your Majesty, there is little chance the Senate will act on the invasion."
"Chancellor Valorum seems to think there is hope?"
In this scene, Palpatine is revealing some "insider information" to Amidala that she and her court officials apparently aren't expected to know - and Palpatine turns out to be an untrustworthy manipulator, making any "exclusive knowledge" coming from him unreliable;
however if it's less "exclusive" knowledge, and more "general insider knowledge" that anyone having to do with Coruscant politics would confirm, then it may be reliable after all.
Either way however, he claims that way too many Senators are "greedy, squabbling" and amoral, and therefore "the Senate" as a collective is unlikely to act - whether that's true or not, the premise already known to the Queen and everyone else is that the Senate is the decision-maker here, and would/could act if it was made up of decent and sane people:
"It is clear to me now that the Republic no longer functions - I pray you will bring sanity and compassion back to the Senate."
Sidious: "I have the Senate bogged down in procedures - they will have no choice but to accept your control of the system."
Gunray: "The Queen has great faith that the Senate will side with her..."
Sidious: "Queen Amidala is young and naive - you will find controlling her will not be difficult."
Sio Bibble: "Our only hope is for the Senate to side with us - Senator Palpatine will need your help!"
Anakin: "You seem sad..."
Padme: "The Queen is worried - her people are suffering, dying.
She must convince the Senate to intervene, or... I'm not sure what'll happen."
The Chancellor apparently lacks, and is supposed to lack the power to decide to intervene, and can only "think there is hope" and be Naboo's "strongest supporter":
However the following other quotes paint a very different picture - according to those, Valorum is weakened by "baseless accusations of corruption" against him and has succumbed to the "bureaucrats", who also oppose this intervention;
whereas a different, stronger Chancellor, not mired by such false corruption accusations, would regain power over the bureaucrats (or take back the rule of the Republic from the bureaucrats) and then be able to intervene:
"If I may say so, Your Majesty, the Chancellor has little real power - he is mired by... baseless accusations of corruption; the bureaucrats are in charge now."
"What options have we?"
"Our best choice would be to push for the election of a stronger Supreme Chancellor, one who could control the bureaucrats - and give us justice.
You... could call for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum."
"I object! There is no proof!
This is incredible. We recommend a commission be sent to Naboo to ascertain the truth!"
"The Congress of Malastare concurs with the honourable delegate from the Trade Federation - a commission must be appointed!"
Valorum: "The point..."
Mas Amedda: "Excuse me, Chancellor."
"Enter the bureaucrats - the true rulers of the Republic; and on the payroll of the Trade Federation, I might add.
[Valorum exchanges words with the other bureaucrat]
This is where Chancellor Valorum's strength will disappear."
Valorum: "The point is conceded. Will you defer your motion to allow a commission to explore the validity of your accusations?"
"I will not defer - I've come before you to resolve this attack on our sovereignty NOW. I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die, while you discuss this invasion in a committee!
If this body is not capable of action... I suggest new leadership is needed; I move for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum's leadership."
"Vote now! Vote now!"
Mas Amedda: "Order!"
"Now, they will elect a new Chancellor... a strong Chancellor - one who will not let our tragedy continue."
Even if it may take too long:
"I fear by the time you have control of the bureaucrats, Senator - there'll be nothing left of our people, our way of life."
And she knows this before learning that Valorum's "real power" is way below what the Chancellor's power is supposed to be:
"Chancellor Valorum seems to think there is hope?"
"If I may say so, Your Majesty, the Chancellor has little real power - he is mired by... baseless accusations of corruption; the bureaucrats are in charge now."
"What options have we?"
"Our best choice would be to push for the election of a stronger Supreme Chancellor, one who could control the bureaucrats - and give us justice.
You... could call for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum."
"He's been our strongest supporter!"
Now another part of the government is brought up - "the bureaucrats", apparently as much of an obstacle to Valorum as the Senate;
they're supposed to be under the control of the Chancellor - but according to Palpatine, this weak Chancellor with the damaged reputation has succumbed to them and let them unofficially take over.
A stronger Chancellor would take back his due power over the "bureaucrats" - however he'd still have no power over the greedy squabbling Senate, since the system is designed this way, so how would he be able to "give us justice"?
Maybe his "strong support" would be more effective at persuading some of them - due to him being perceived as strong, and not corrupt;
Amidala "prays" he'll be able to improve the Senate's moral character, which implies it's a vague prospect and isn't something to be expected automatically:
- unlike him regaining the Chancellor's control of the bureaucrats, which she does expect to happen - but not quickly enough to intervene in time."I fear by the time you have control of the bureaucrats, Senator - there'll be nothing left of our people, our way of life."
[...]
"It is clear to me now that the Republic no longer functions - I pray you will bring sanity and compassion back to the Senate."
However - "by the time he has control of the bureaucrats", he'll still have no power to intervene, since it's been established that he'd also have to
do anything beyond "thinking there is hope"?
however his "seeming optimism" about the Senate would be a question of judgement and assessment, not political "power" -
and Palpatine doesn't say anything about him also lacking judgement or awareness, only his decreased power over the bureaucrats and the baseless corruption accusations against him.
The "baseless accusations of corruption" may decrease his credibility in the eyes of those who believe these accusations - but Amidala had never heard of those accusations, and is now instantly told that they're "baseless"; so she has no reason to lose faith in Valorum's credibility when he expressed that optimism about the Senate siding with her.
To the Chancellor's left and right, there are two "bureaucrats"
and the "bureaucrats",
Despite attempts to take those arguments where they belonged. Hey ho.
I wonder which directors will stick with the next season, or if we get the same people on all three shows (I heard some talk that TBoBF will be solely Rodriguez and/or Favreau, but have seen nothing to substantiate it). I hope we get some of the films' directors coming back, especially if Johnson and Edwards could do some Ahsoka episodes.
I say that partly because while Mando's framing of most of the Galaxy as rather mundane mostly works, it hurts the depiction of Tython. That world just ended up a bit dull. So I hope Ahsoka's show, it's to get further into the mystical stuff, has a bit more formalism and style to it.
I'm cautiously... actually I think I'm just cautious at this point.Eh like...not to be a Debbie Downer but didn't we just get a show about a Mandalorian visiting various desert planets and dealing with the criminal underbelly of the Star Wars galaxy? Okay, maybe this is going to be more Sopranos than Lone Wolf And Cub, but it still feels like a retread instead of an expansion.
I mean I guess if just looking at it from the surface of a character dealing with criminals yeah, but otherwise the plot of the shows clearly aren't the same thing.Eh like...not to be a Debbie Downer but didn't we just get a show about a Mandalorian visiting various desert planets and dealing with the criminal underbelly of the Star Wars galaxy? Okay, maybe this is going to be more Sopranos than Lone Wolf And Cub, but it still feels like a retread instead of an expansion.
I'd like it if this was like, an actual kind of character study of Boba Fett. He's been like a big fan favorite and shown up it tons of star wars media...but like what's he actually like as a *character*? Like beyond he's a bounty hunter, he's a clone of a mandalorian, like there's not a whole lot about him. Even a lot of the EU stuff stayed away from really figuring out what this guy's deal is. So that's what I'm hoping for, maybe we'll get it or not this trailer gives me big 'only first episode scenes' so could go in a unique direction and Temura is a good actor.
I mean I guess if just looking at it from the surface of a character dealing with criminals yeah, but otherwise the plot of the shows clearly aren't the same thing.
I mean, my thing is I just don't get *who* Boba is supposed to be. Like I guess he's a 'stoic badass' type? I mean stoic in the sense that he has like no lines in the OT, he's like a kid with barely any lines in the PT, and even in the Clone Wars show he wants like, I guess revenge for his dad? and to be a bounty hunter. In the Mando he like, says some things but we still don't really get a ton of insight into his motives beyond getting his armor back and doing Mando a solid.Yeah, that's the thing - everyone loves Boba, but they love the version that's been flying around in their heads since watching Return of the Jedi and this is...not that. I dig Temura Morrison and I'm interested to see what they do, but he's not that version of the charcter that's been in everyone's head.
I'd love if they went full Sopranos in space and dug into his psychology and the weight of being a hardass space crime lord, but my gut says that's not what we're gonna get.
Outside of the basic premise of the main character being a Mandalorian who deals with criminals I'm just not seeing it.Okay sure but like, they're playing in the same sandbox, with many of the same characters, in the same sandbox and in the same social class and Din and Grogu. Obviously the show isn't going to be 1:1, but it very much has that feel of "Hey, they loved one show about a Mandalorian dude doing crime, they'll love two!"
Stoic badass, who can work for the good guys and bad alike without it actually affecting his moral alignment and unblemished honour in the slightest.I mean, my thing is I just don't get *who* Boba is supposed to be. Like I guess he's a 'stoic badass' type? I mean stoic in the sense that he has like no lines in the OT, he's like a kid with barely any lines in the PT, and even in the Clone Wars show he wants like, I guess revenge for his dad? and to be a bounty hunter. In the Mando he like, says some things but we still don't really get a ton of insight into his motives beyond getting his armor back and doing Mando a solid.
So like, I don't know shit about Boba Fett despite watching all that star wars media so I hope this show like, gives us a three dimensional character.
Yeah, that's the thing - everyone loves Boba, but they love the version that's been flying around in their heads since watching Return of the Jedi and this is...not that.
