- Location
- Sea of Dirac
It'd be one way to avoid the Uchiha massacre all together. Considering how young Tenten is... it hasn't happened yet.
The Forge of Creation (Naruto Gamer SI)
- Thread starter Jaune Pendragon
- Start date
- Location
- London
He really went all out on the arm and eye
- Location
- United States
Great concept for a SI! I've only read a few fics focused on something other than cannon, however I do have some criticisms
1. MC's way of talking is weird as fuck. At first with the whole robotic way of speaking I just assumed you were making the MC socially inept which can make for a pretty funny fic to read. You randomly changed it up when he met Naruto which was bizarre + dropping future knowledge. Keeping the personality consistent is really important for characters.
2. Dropping future knowledge on Naruto. Just why? That whole interaction was so out of character for the MC so far. He (or she I guess now) is the most heavily watched person in the village. She is always being watched.
3. Power scaling. Your mana regen is too overpowered. Dude could just spec magic abilities and regen all his mana needed for spells within seconds. You made it per minute which in a world where Charka Exhaustion requires long periods of recovery you've essentially made the MC unstoppable once he gets a few defense skills that require mana.
4. Magic Forge. Love the idea, but you just made Denzo an arm that would allow him to probably single handedly crush the village himself. Ignoring the fact that he did this to the ROOT leader of all people make. Now the MC has made a piece that outshines all technology so far, introduced a charka storing device, lasers, and the list goes on.
I'm honestly not too sure where you could take this fic from here... Gamer fics I've always noticed struggle with pacing and power levels. You were doing quite well keeping the MC at a responsible power level. This is naruto where increased power comes from practice, huge power ups are just not a thing, unless it is a bloodline.
I was hoping that it would be a slow progression to him being the best blacksmith ever, but clearly not anymore.
1. MC's way of talking is weird as fuck. At first with the whole robotic way of speaking I just assumed you were making the MC socially inept which can make for a pretty funny fic to read. You randomly changed it up when he met Naruto which was bizarre + dropping future knowledge. Keeping the personality consistent is really important for characters.
2. Dropping future knowledge on Naruto. Just why? That whole interaction was so out of character for the MC so far. He (or she I guess now) is the most heavily watched person in the village. She is always being watched.
3. Power scaling. Your mana regen is too overpowered. Dude could just spec magic abilities and regen all his mana needed for spells within seconds. You made it per minute which in a world where Charka Exhaustion requires long periods of recovery you've essentially made the MC unstoppable once he gets a few defense skills that require mana.
4. Magic Forge. Love the idea, but you just made Denzo an arm that would allow him to probably single handedly crush the village himself. Ignoring the fact that he did this to the ROOT leader of all people make. Now the MC has made a piece that outshines all technology so far, introduced a charka storing device, lasers, and the list goes on.
I'm honestly not too sure where you could take this fic from here... Gamer fics I've always noticed struggle with pacing and power levels. You were doing quite well keeping the MC at a responsible power level. This is naruto where increased power comes from practice, huge power ups are just not a thing, unless it is a bloodline.
I was hoping that it would be a slow progression to him being the best blacksmith ever, but clearly not anymore.
- Location
- India
Boring and annoying with half a chapter dedicated to his dumb skill.
Stop padding the story with info most people will either ignore or forget.
Even the Gamer manga learnt that people didn't care about stats and just stuck to skill names and snippets of skill info when needed.
Stop padding the story with info most people will either ignore or forget.
Even the Gamer manga learnt that people didn't care about stats and just stuck to skill names and snippets of skill info when needed.
Chapter 7 THe EYE OPENER
Jaune Pendragon
King Of Servants
- Location
- Avalon
When I opened my eyes I found myself in the on top of the hokage monument the same place as before.
"please wait here." With that the Anbu disappeared.
A few minute's passed but no sign of Danzo.
I sat down as I faced the village and watched the sunrise. The cold morning air brushed past my face as I took a deep breath of fresh cold air in, the suns rays hitting me contrasting the cold morning air felt heavenly.
Seeing as I was going to waiting here for a while I kept the Box and jar down beside me and opened my inventory and took out something. A present dad bought for me for my birthday.
It was in a pawn shop a wooden guitar. It was really old and there were not many people who know how to play it.
I gave it a small wipe and tuned it.
Hmmm. Which song should I play....
Ah.. There's one.
As I strung the first few chords a pop up appeared.
Good. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do so.
I closed my eyes as I began to play and sing along as I relished the feeling of the wind brushing past me face. My head nodding along as I let myself fall into the rhytrm.
As I opened my eyes finishing the last chord I felt a presence behind me. Three presences.
"I have to say. while it is certainly nice to hear beautiful music like that for my old age. I thought he was Joichiro's blacksmith prodigy Danzo. The son of the man who forged the Raijin no ken."
"Indeed he is, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have other things that he would have taken an interest in now should he?"
As I turned around I saw them.
The Hokage and Danzo next to each other right behind me. The Hokage with his smoking pipe which seemed to be lit as smoke lightly rose from it. He was wearing his combat gear. Not the ceremonial robes that he usually wore.
Danzo's Hashirama arm was gone as his right sleeve flapped in the wind. His cane was no where to be seen.
"Observe." I whispered silently.
All question marks....
Jesus christ His HP and chakra is in the 7 digits. Its. Fucking absurd. And his wisdom has 4 digits!
I didn't bother trying it on Danzo, it would be pointless. They were so far above me it was not even funny.
I stood up and gave them a short bow. "Hokage-sama, Danzo-sama."
Hiruzen let out a small chuckle. "So, you are Ryuuto, Juuichiro's son?"
"Hai."
"We'll he was bragging quite a lot about you, how you surpassed him. And Danzo had informed me that you had accepted his challenge of creating a prosthetic fit for combat?"
"Hai." I nodded as I picked up the case and opened it turning it torwards them.
"Hmmm. it looks just like a natural arm, i'd almost say it's real."
I shook my head. "Hai Hokage-sama, it's combat mode is deactivated, however it looks quite different in combat mode. This way Danzo-sama can use it comfortably in the open."
Danzo spoke this time. "If it's mechanical would it not require maintenance?"
"Not unless it is damaged in battle Danzo-sama."
"What about the eye?"
"The eye?" The Hokage's eyebrow rose.
I kept the box back down and picked up the jar and showed it to them.
They were silent for a moment as they stared at the eye in the jar that looked quite ordinary.
"This is mechanical as well Ryuuto-kun?"
"Hai."
"Amazing. I never knew something like this could be done." The Hokage muttered staring intently at the eye but not as much as Danzo seemed to be.
"Bird." Danzo called out and an Anbu appeared infront of us.
"Prepare for surgery."
"Ah. Danzo-sama!" I called out. "It you do not need to surgically implant them." Danzo gave me a questioning look at that. "Just place the arm on the shoulder and the eye in the socket, and channel you chakra into it. It will take a few seconds to start, once it does, it will intergrate itself to the flesh and nerves without any need for surgery."
All three of them stared at me for a few seconds as if i had grown a second head.
"Very well, let's see if your words have any truth to them Ryuuto-kun." Danzo said as removed his dangling sleeve and began uncovering his bandages. "if it fails, or injures me however..." The threat was left unfinished.
I gulped and hoped beyond hope that there was no incidents.
The entire process took about two minutes from Danzo removing the bandages to putting the eyeball in and holding the mechanical arm in place while channeling his chakra through both of them.
A tense few seconds went by and then the mechanical hand twitched and then Danzo closed and opened it as he he began to test the movement of the new arm.
I let out a sigh of relief I didn't know I was holding
A few second later the eyes followed as they finished booting up for the first time.
"What is this?"
"Danzo-sama?"
"I can see some form of writing on the corner of my vision.."
"Ah, those are the extra features I added Danzo-sama. Could you please read it so that I may explain the purpose? You should be able to see a small cursor?"
His eyes moved to the upper left corner as he began to read it aloud. "Infrared."
"Ah, that allows you to see heat, signatures instead of through light so it allows one to see in complete darkness."
"Record"
"That function allows to record everything what you are seeing at the moment with perfect clarity."
"Gallery."
"Allows to see everything that has been recorded until now."
"Combat Mode."
"It is as it says Danzo-sama, that changes both the arms and the eyes for battle. Just blink twice in quick succession while you are looking at it to activate combat mode Danzo-sama."
The next second Danzo's right eyes turned black with a glowing yellow iris and the hand that looked like an ordinary hand transformed into something very frightening. The mechanical part of the arms were quite clearly visible now as the space in between them began to glow yellow as the weapons system and the servos began to run at full power.
"Ah, Danzo-sama before I forget, here an Instruction Manual." I said as I handed to him white pages that I had cut out from my notebook after writing down all it's capabilities and how to use them."
He took it and began to flip through it. His eyes widened slightly once or twice.
"Interesting." Danzo muttered before Sarutobi interrupted him. "The best way to learn how to use it is on the field won't you say so old friend?"
"Indeed old friend, and we shall see whether this young man deserves the title of genius or not."
What I saw in a few minutes was a fight between Kage-level Shinobi.
It was insane, it was scary and it was cool, but most of all it showed me how much further I had in order to be strong enough to survive this hellhole and this was just a spar to test the artificial arm to see if it was up to the task.
Somehow I also go the feeling that the reason they let me watch was a an effort to try to change my mind about going to the academy.
"please wait here." With that the Anbu disappeared.
A few minute's passed but no sign of Danzo.
I sat down as I faced the village and watched the sunrise. The cold morning air brushed past my face as I took a deep breath of fresh cold air in, the suns rays hitting me contrasting the cold morning air felt heavenly.
Seeing as I was going to waiting here for a while I kept the Box and jar down beside me and opened my inventory and took out something. A present dad bought for me for my birthday.
It was in a pawn shop a wooden guitar. It was really old and there were not many people who know how to play it.
I gave it a small wipe and tuned it.
Hmmm. Which song should I play....
Ah.. There's one.
As I strung the first few chords a pop up appeared.
Good. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do so.
I closed my eyes as I began to play and sing along as I relished the feeling of the wind brushing past me face. My head nodding along as I let myself fall into the rhytrm.
As I opened my eyes finishing the last chord I felt a presence behind me. Three presences.
"I have to say. while it is certainly nice to hear beautiful music like that for my old age. I thought he was Joichiro's blacksmith prodigy Danzo. The son of the man who forged the Raijin no ken."
"Indeed he is, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have other things that he would have taken an interest in now should he?"
As I turned around I saw them.
The Hokage and Danzo next to each other right behind me. The Hokage with his smoking pipe which seemed to be lit as smoke lightly rose from it. He was wearing his combat gear. Not the ceremonial robes that he usually wore.
Danzo's Hashirama arm was gone as his right sleeve flapped in the wind. His cane was no where to be seen.
"Observe." I whispered silently.
All question marks....
Jesus christ His HP and chakra is in the 7 digits. Its. Fucking absurd. And his wisdom has 4 digits!
I didn't bother trying it on Danzo, it would be pointless. They were so far above me it was not even funny.
I stood up and gave them a short bow. "Hokage-sama, Danzo-sama."
Hiruzen let out a small chuckle. "So, you are Ryuuto, Juuichiro's son?"
"Hai."
"We'll he was bragging quite a lot about you, how you surpassed him. And Danzo had informed me that you had accepted his challenge of creating a prosthetic fit for combat?"
"Hai." I nodded as I picked up the case and opened it turning it torwards them.
"Hmmm. it looks just like a natural arm, i'd almost say it's real."
I shook my head. "Hai Hokage-sama, it's combat mode is deactivated, however it looks quite different in combat mode. This way Danzo-sama can use it comfortably in the open."
Danzo spoke this time. "If it's mechanical would it not require maintenance?"
"Not unless it is damaged in battle Danzo-sama."
"What about the eye?"
"The eye?" The Hokage's eyebrow rose.
I kept the box back down and picked up the jar and showed it to them.
They were silent for a moment as they stared at the eye in the jar that looked quite ordinary.
"This is mechanical as well Ryuuto-kun?"
"Hai."
"Amazing. I never knew something like this could be done." The Hokage muttered staring intently at the eye but not as much as Danzo seemed to be.
"Bird." Danzo called out and an Anbu appeared infront of us.
"Prepare for surgery."
"Ah. Danzo-sama!" I called out. "It you do not need to surgically implant them." Danzo gave me a questioning look at that. "Just place the arm on the shoulder and the eye in the socket, and channel you chakra into it. It will take a few seconds to start, once it does, it will intergrate itself to the flesh and nerves without any need for surgery."
All three of them stared at me for a few seconds as if i had grown a second head.
"Very well, let's see if your words have any truth to them Ryuuto-kun." Danzo said as removed his dangling sleeve and began uncovering his bandages. "if it fails, or injures me however..." The threat was left unfinished.
I gulped and hoped beyond hope that there was no incidents.
The entire process took about two minutes from Danzo removing the bandages to putting the eyeball in and holding the mechanical arm in place while channeling his chakra through both of them.
A tense few seconds went by and then the mechanical hand twitched and then Danzo closed and opened it as he he began to test the movement of the new arm.
I let out a sigh of relief I didn't know I was holding
A few second later the eyes followed as they finished booting up for the first time.
"What is this?"
"Danzo-sama?"
"I can see some form of writing on the corner of my vision.."
"Ah, those are the extra features I added Danzo-sama. Could you please read it so that I may explain the purpose? You should be able to see a small cursor?"
His eyes moved to the upper left corner as he began to read it aloud. "Infrared."
"Ah, that allows you to see heat, signatures instead of through light so it allows one to see in complete darkness."
"Record"
"That function allows to record everything what you are seeing at the moment with perfect clarity."
"Gallery."
"Allows to see everything that has been recorded until now."
"Combat Mode."
"It is as it says Danzo-sama, that changes both the arms and the eyes for battle. Just blink twice in quick succession while you are looking at it to activate combat mode Danzo-sama."
The next second Danzo's right eyes turned black with a glowing yellow iris and the hand that looked like an ordinary hand transformed into something very frightening. The mechanical part of the arms were quite clearly visible now as the space in between them began to glow yellow as the weapons system and the servos began to run at full power.
"Ah, Danzo-sama before I forget, here an Instruction Manual." I said as I handed to him white pages that I had cut out from my notebook after writing down all it's capabilities and how to use them."
He took it and began to flip through it. His eyes widened slightly once or twice.
"Interesting." Danzo muttered before Sarutobi interrupted him. "The best way to learn how to use it is on the field won't you say so old friend?"
"Indeed old friend, and we shall see whether this young man deserves the title of genius or not."
What I saw in a few minutes was a fight between Kage-level Shinobi.
It was insane, it was scary and it was cool, but most of all it showed me how much further I had in order to be strong enough to survive this hellhole and this was just a spar to test the artificial arm to see if it was up to the task.
Somehow I also go the feeling that the reason they let me watch was a an effort to try to change my mind about going to the academy.
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- Location
- Texas
I really like the idea of Cyborg Shinobi. Though it's also really cool that you can create more stuff.
- Location
- Australia
while the cybernetics and eye would intrest him, it isnt due to its Pseudo sharingan abilities, as we see in the 4th war Kabuto stated the theory he and or just Orochimaru had about the Sharingans final form being the Rinnegan which is what he really wanted he already had concentrated levels of Hashiramas DNA/chakra(really Asuras not that he knew that) if he had actually acquired Sasukes body he probably would have had his own Rinnegan within the decade
He wanted to become the worlds strongest ninja, so he wanted to master every Justsu in existance, so then he started looking for ways to become immortal and the Sharingan, because they would both make it easier. While he would have definitely sought the Rinnegan, he probably would have wanted to finish all his experiments to make his own.
- Location
- The Hall of Blinding Light
Really enjoying the quest and interested to see where it will go. Have some of the same points as @Chillingbear brought up.
Also, find how he handles Tenten to be strange and how he is speaking commands in front of Sarutobi and Danzo.
The entire Danzo interaction is also weird. It may be real life but thats no reason to trust or believe him. If the MC wants freedom, staying away from people like that should be the first logical decision.
Also, find how he handles Tenten to be strange and how he is speaking commands in front of Sarutobi and Danzo.
The entire Danzo interaction is also weird. It may be real life but thats no reason to trust or believe him. If the MC wants freedom, staying away from people like that should be the first logical decision.
- Location
- USA
I think that is what the author was trying to convey in earlier posts. Maybe a little less like coils and more like capacitor/accumulator.
Jaune Pendragon
King Of Servants
- Location
- Avalon
Days pass.
I still haven't told Tenten what had happened.
Or rather I simply couldn't bring myself to tell her to expose her to the horribleness of the world.
I simply couldn't bring myself to do so.
"Hey, Ryuu-kun!" I hear Naruko call out. She's been coming to our house lately in the morning to hang out?
I shook my head. "Coming." I called back as I finished packing up Tentens Lunch in her bento box.
A sandwich in a bento box....
"Alright, here you go. Have fun in the academy, Tenten." I hand her her Bento.
Tenten frowned. "Aren't you coming today bro?"
"I am I'll be out in a Minute."
Her frown disappeared at that. "Alright." She turned around and Ran out the Door to see Naruko.
I climb up to my room and grab my guitar before hanging it on my shoulders.
Music and English was the two things I had with me that I truly felt was a piece of home that I could still hold onto. The Gun didn't count as I never really held one in my previous life.
As I stepped out of the house into the warm sunshine I was greeted by the singing birds.
"Ready to go Bro?" "Hey, you brought your Guitar again!" Guess who said what? and no cookies for the correct answer.
"Yes, and Of course I brought my guitar, music is one of my passions. So are we going or not?"
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Clang!
Clang!
Clang!
Clang!
Clang!
Clang!
Clang!
Fsshhh!
Right now I had just forged a Blade, without the magic forge.
An Iron Sword,
Heh, I highly doubt anyone would actually buy this but I decided to put it on display anyways.
These past few days when Tenten was not home, I had been mind numbingly hammering away at the smith. Repairing the few orders that were there and making Kunai and Shuriken.
I could make decent Kunai and Shuriken now.
I felt hollow.
The achievement felt empty.
I wish dad was...
No what am i thinking?! I had to be strong for Tenten.
It was decent enough that Genin and Chunin buy it but Jounin completely avoided them going directly for the ones Dad had made, and they were running out.
But mine also were a bit cheaper so it evened out.
Washing my hands i lay on the couch as I took out my notebook and began to draw something I had been keeping off.
Writing a seal.
My own seal.
From what I had remembered the more details a seal had the less chance it had of failing and not just that since I think in English that meant I could write seals in Enlish.
And no one would be able to read it.
From what I remember the Uzumaki's prefer to write seals sprialling into the center staring from the outside.
I decided to try and make the instructions as simple as possible.
So lets start with a simple seal.
A seal that emits light?
Alright lets do this.
Step 1: Wait for input of Non-Elemental Chakra.
Step 2: When Non-Elemental Chakra is received store Chakra...
But where? In an other dimension How the hell do I do that? Like the Nine tails seal? Food for thought. But for now....the ink and the blood should be enough.
Step 2: When Non-Elemental Chakra is received store Chakra in the ink and blood of the seal.
Step: 3: If Chakra supply is stopped before blood is filled then GOTO Step 5.
Step 4: When Non-Elemental Chakra is received store Chakra within blood present in ink until until blood is filled, then stop accepting.
Step 5: Transform stored Chakra into Electromagnetic radiation of wavelengths from 400 nano-meters to 700 nano-meters and emit it in of equal amounts in all directions from the whole seal at 500 lumens until chakra runs out.
Step 6: GOTO STEP 1.
There we go.
Double checking to make sure there was no spelling mistake I nodded to myself.
Now then time to test this boy.
I slowly channelled chakra into it...no explosion... So far so good.
I could feel the seal slowly infusing the blood and ink that I used to write it with Chakra.
It took about a minute before it stopped absorbing and then began to emit a pure white light.
It was not too bright it could match a torch.
Now to see how long it would last...
.......
The light lasted very long. Long into the night and even continued for about a week before it went out....
Wait....are seals hundred percent efficient in the storing and transforming energy? If so then this is something really big.
This requires further investigation.
I still haven't told Tenten what had happened.
Or rather I simply couldn't bring myself to tell her to expose her to the horribleness of the world.
I simply couldn't bring myself to do so.
"Hey, Ryuu-kun!" I hear Naruko call out. She's been coming to our house lately in the morning to hang out?
I shook my head. "Coming." I called back as I finished packing up Tentens Lunch in her bento box.
A sandwich in a bento box....
"Alright, here you go. Have fun in the academy, Tenten." I hand her her Bento.
Tenten frowned. "Aren't you coming today bro?"
"I am I'll be out in a Minute."
Her frown disappeared at that. "Alright." She turned around and Ran out the Door to see Naruko.
I climb up to my room and grab my guitar before hanging it on my shoulders.
Music and English was the two things I had with me that I truly felt was a piece of home that I could still hold onto. The Gun didn't count as I never really held one in my previous life.
As I stepped out of the house into the warm sunshine I was greeted by the singing birds.
"Ready to go Bro?" "Hey, you brought your Guitar again!" Guess who said what? and no cookies for the correct answer.
"Yes, and Of course I brought my guitar, music is one of my passions. So are we going or not?"
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Clang!
Clang!
Clang!
Clang!
Clang!
Clang!
Clang!
Fsshhh!
Right now I had just forged a Blade, without the magic forge.
An Iron Sword,
Heh, I highly doubt anyone would actually buy this but I decided to put it on display anyways.
These past few days when Tenten was not home, I had been mind numbingly hammering away at the smith. Repairing the few orders that were there and making Kunai and Shuriken.
I could make decent Kunai and Shuriken now.
I felt hollow.
The achievement felt empty.
I wish dad was...
No what am i thinking?! I had to be strong for Tenten.
It was decent enough that Genin and Chunin buy it but Jounin completely avoided them going directly for the ones Dad had made, and they were running out.
But mine also were a bit cheaper so it evened out.
Washing my hands i lay on the couch as I took out my notebook and began to draw something I had been keeping off.
Writing a seal.
My own seal.
From what I had remembered the more details a seal had the less chance it had of failing and not just that since I think in English that meant I could write seals in Enlish.
And no one would be able to read it.
From what I remember the Uzumaki's prefer to write seals sprialling into the center staring from the outside.
I decided to try and make the instructions as simple as possible.
So lets start with a simple seal.
A seal that emits light?
Alright lets do this.
Step 1: Wait for input of Non-Elemental Chakra.
Step 2: When Non-Elemental Chakra is received store Chakra...
But where? In an other dimension How the hell do I do that? Like the Nine tails seal? Food for thought. But for now....the ink and the blood should be enough.
Step 2: When Non-Elemental Chakra is received store Chakra in the ink and blood of the seal.
Step: 3: If Chakra supply is stopped before blood is filled then GOTO Step 5.
Step 4: When Non-Elemental Chakra is received store Chakra within blood present in ink until until blood is filled, then stop accepting.
Step 5: Transform stored Chakra into Electromagnetic radiation of wavelengths from 400 nano-meters to 700 nano-meters and emit it in of equal amounts in all directions from the whole seal at 500 lumens until chakra runs out.
Step 6: GOTO STEP 1.
There we go.
Double checking to make sure there was no spelling mistake I nodded to myself.
Now then time to test this boy.
I slowly channelled chakra into it...no explosion... So far so good.
I could feel the seal slowly infusing the blood and ink that I used to write it with Chakra.
It took about a minute before it stopped absorbing and then began to emit a pure white light.
It was not too bright it could match a torch.
Now to see how long it would last...
.......
The light lasted very long. Long into the night and even continued for about a week before it went out....
Wait....are seals hundred percent efficient in the storing and transforming energy? If so then this is something really big.
This requires further investigation.
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Man up Ryu. Tell your sister soon before she hears it from someone else.
You both need time to grieve.
- Location
- Book Fort
- Pronouns
- They/Them
Yeah, if Ryu doesn't get his shit together, I might have to un-watch this. There's "being a conflicted older brother." There's even "being an imperfect protagonist." Then there's being a shitbag.
- Location
- Australia
It's a decent fix, but yeah, kinda Narm'ing it.
"Oh noes, I cannae teil maih lettle sistar, for she is such an innocent murderess-in-training. Oh, and I'll need to display emotion, and possibly hug someone..... maybe be slapped for being a little shitheel." I mean ffs, even little kids know it's better to rip the bandaid off quickly if it'll hurt regardless, I'm pretty sure someone raised in a ninja village, which is essentially a village founded by clans of murder hoboes who decided to settle down, would have been instilled with at least some anti-stupidity proofing as a means to keep various nin's from trying to smack or shank the idiot out of them if nothing else.
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Jaune Pendragon
King Of Servants
- Location
- Avalon
. It's not just Tenten's father it's also his father.... Who looked after.....
- Location
- Australia
Yeah, but still, ninja village, ninja culture, and the fact it's not his first rodeo should be enough to let him tough it out. That being aside from the fact that as someone with enough social cognition to deal with Danzo with a relatively cool head, he should be able to do basic social arithmetic and figure out that "no, I don't need to be strong for this, it'd be perfectly alright to tell her behind closed doors, then gather her into my arms and break down and cry with her, followed up by picking up the pieces, like a normal person..."
Point is, father or not, whether it results in a social failure or not, the character reads as someone who by all rights should have enough brain cells to rub together and sufficient emotional control, which he'd already demonstrated having regardless of his physiological maturity, that he should know he has to take the plunge and be capable of doing so.
I'm not criticising your writing in general since it and the rest of this fic are usually pretty damn good, especially when people remember to take into account that part of the purpose of fic writing is to experiment and broaden your horizons as you go, but as someone providing commentary I've gotta tell yah that the SI's latest reaction have all the realism of a cardboard cutout in the shape of a dead fish, to the point where the only way I can rationalise it is that Danzo liked his work so much that he's stuck him with a couple of seals to slowly atrophy said SI socially until his disappearance by root would pass without remark, since when put in that context it makes so much sense that the next chapter would pretty much write itself: "Hey Oni-sama, what's that on your neck....", like so.
Wouldn't make reading this one any less of a slog though, since it'd still be a pit of narm readers would have to wade through to reach the following chapter, but you could put out the next chapter then use that as a reference point to go back and retailor this one to fit. Still no reason to drop the fic though either way since the rest of it is decent.
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- Location
- USA
Your math is wrong. A 400% increase is *5 not *4.
- Location
- Australia
Does the rest of the pattern bare that out though, because if that's all we're shown it might be something other than a 100% increase per level? Not critiquing, genuinely curious, and you already seem to have done the math.
- Location
- Fiction
Iiiinteresting, it seems he doesn't actually copy the weapons, but rather uses them as a template. So it's not that he couldn't make the Omnitrix, but that he couldn't use it as a template, he could totally make a variant by editing the template of the Escafil Device (or by using one of the alt-timeline omnitrixes that were made to be weapons). The distinction removes a lot of stuff from contention, but also adds things that might not be allowed otherwise, a number of grand inventions were funded through weapons research, though many of them are tech. For other things he likely can use his inventory to replicate the Gate of Babylon so no loss at being unable to make the key, though Fate has a ton of useful weapon templates. He really ought to make some 'cursed' bracelets that drain his mana and store it to be used later, worst case he just makes a gauntlet version of Genos' arm, should be easier since it wont have most of the weapons systems.
You forget the one fact that the mc is still human and makes mistakes. I
Jaune Pendragon
King Of Servants
- Location
- Avalon
"I'm sorry Tenten."
"You're LYING."
I closed my eyes. I didn't trust my voice not to break up.
"You're lying...please tell me this is a joke nee-sama... please..."
I merely pulled her in and wrapped her in a hug.
"I'm sorry." My voice cracked as tears welled up in my eyes.
Tears began to fall onto my shoulder as I rubbed her back trying to comfort her.
Tenten began to sob as I held her. I kept rubbing her back. I had no idea how to comfort her but I could certainly try.
I held her until her tears dried out.
I held her until she had fallen asleep tear streaks visible on her cheeks.
This world was horrible.
But that didn't mean I couldn't help her and keep her safe.
I was a Prodigy in smithing. But Tenten was a Prodigy in using nInja tools.
There was no student in the Academy better than her in Bukijutsu.
I accepted it after carrying her and gently laying her down in bed.
I opened the skill shop and typed something into it. Something I hoped was there.
And it was there.
But the cost was absurd..
However, considering what I searched for it made sense.
There was no way in hell I could even come close to getting that many skill points anytime soon.
But this was to see if it existed in the first place. If I wanted to make the world peaceful I needed power.
Lots of it.
Wait...
What about the Dungeon?
Yess.
That might work.
It just might.
A plan began to form in my mind.
A sinister smile began to form on my face.
Oh shut it.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Tenten had changed.
She still smiled.
She still laughed.
But it was more reserved.
I did what I could to make her comfortable.
Making her favourite food every day.
Helping her with Homework.
And then lulling her to sleep at night.
I stayed awake in case she has a nightmare and comforted her.
Whenever I was free I spent it Levelling up my ID by creating and exiting and creating a Weapon to help me level up.
The first few ones were easy.
Then It took progressively more and more to level up the ID create.
It took nearly a month and now I was ready to put the first stages of my plan into action.
"Status."
I nod to myself.
"ID Create."
And Reality Shattered.
I selected trolls.
And walked out into the street.
Do you see these instant dungeons? They were merely alternate worlds or Alternate universes.
I found out by leaving a lit candle in an ID before exiting it and when I entered it again after a few minutes it was where I left it except it had become shorter having melted.
Which means that I was not creating an ID.
The ID was merely an Identical world.
A world created by someone but not me.
Which was why my plan came into effect.
I had spent an entire month creating something with the FORGE of Creation.
It was My masterpiece.
A Hydrogen Bomb made with both sealing and the Forge.
The seal would multiply the force of the Explosion several-fold.
I could see the trolls coming closer.
Unfortunately, if I left the dungeon when an enemy dies I don't get the EXP or the Items.
So I grinded for a while and got myself something to help the plan work.
Taking the bomb out of my inventory the large bomb appeared before me.
Channelling my chakra onto the seals on it the bomb activated and I activated my Intangibility skill.
and then
"KATSU"
Booom
If Deidara saw this he would be green in envy.
"You're LYING."
I closed my eyes. I didn't trust my voice not to break up.
"You're lying...please tell me this is a joke nee-sama... please..."
I merely pulled her in and wrapped her in a hug.
"I'm sorry." My voice cracked as tears welled up in my eyes.
Tears began to fall onto my shoulder as I rubbed her back trying to comfort her.
Tenten began to sob as I held her. I kept rubbing her back. I had no idea how to comfort her but I could certainly try.
I held her until her tears dried out.
I held her until she had fallen asleep tear streaks visible on her cheeks.
This world was horrible.
But that didn't mean I couldn't help her and keep her safe.
I was a Prodigy in smithing. But Tenten was a Prodigy in using nInja tools.
There was no student in the Academy better than her in Bukijutsu.
I accepted it after carrying her and gently laying her down in bed.
I opened the skill shop and typed something into it. Something I hoped was there.
And it was there.
But the cost was absurd..
However, considering what I searched for it made sense.
There was no way in hell I could even come close to getting that many skill points anytime soon.
But this was to see if it existed in the first place. If I wanted to make the world peaceful I needed power.
Lots of it.
Wait...
What about the Dungeon?
Yess.
That might work.
It just might.
A plan began to form in my mind.
A sinister smile began to form on my face.
Oh shut it.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Tenten had changed.
She still smiled.
She still laughed.
But it was more reserved.
I did what I could to make her comfortable.
Making her favourite food every day.
Helping her with Homework.
And then lulling her to sleep at night.
I stayed awake in case she has a nightmare and comforted her.
Whenever I was free I spent it Levelling up my ID by creating and exiting and creating a Weapon to help me level up.
The first few ones were easy.
Then It took progressively more and more to level up the ID create.
It took nearly a month and now I was ready to put the first stages of my plan into action.
"Status."
I nod to myself.
"ID Create."
And Reality Shattered.
I selected trolls.
And walked out into the street.
Do you see these instant dungeons? They were merely alternate worlds or Alternate universes.
I found out by leaving a lit candle in an ID before exiting it and when I entered it again after a few minutes it was where I left it except it had become shorter having melted.
Which means that I was not creating an ID.
The ID was merely an Identical world.
A world created by someone but not me.
Which was why my plan came into effect.
I had spent an entire month creating something with the FORGE of Creation.
It was My masterpiece.
A Hydrogen Bomb made with both sealing and the Forge.
The seal would multiply the force of the Explosion several-fold.
I could see the trolls coming closer.
Unfortunately, if I left the dungeon when an enemy dies I don't get the EXP or the Items.
So I grinded for a while and got myself something to help the plan work.
Taking the bomb out of my inventory the large bomb appeared before me.
Channelling my chakra onto the seals on it the bomb activated and I activated my Intangibility skill.
and then
"KATSU"
Booom
If Deidara saw this he would be green in envy.
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