You know that feeling when you wake up, and you're not where you remember falling asleep?
It's...
It's...
Skeleton Quest (SI/Harry Potter)
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Update 1
Mortifer
Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.
- Location
- Under a rock.
You know that feeling when you wake up, and you're not where you remember falling asleep?
It's a confusing one, but mostly, it makes you paranoid. After all, if you're not where you fell asleep, what happened before you woke up?
I suppose a sleepwalker would be more used to it, but that's irrelevant. I'm not a sleepwalker, and thus, it was fairly unsettling.
Naturally, I got up to have a look around. The first thing I saw was a mirror. Which meant, naturally, I had to spend a few minutes admiring my immense beauty.
I am, after all, extremely attractive. All skeletons are, really, but me more then any other. My skull, for example, was basically perfection made manifest. In fact, the only reason people did not stare at my skull at all times was because my mere presence made everything in my surroundings like more beautiful. But enough about my appearance. If I described my look in-depths, you would be weeping bitter tears of despair, for you would never be able to see me in reality.
So, instead of describing myself, I shall instead mention how I posed for a moment, found my hat, and posed while wearing my hat. It liked that hat. It was a nice hat.
Once the hat was on my head, thus ensuring all was right in the world, I got back to the less important task of figuring out where the hell I was.
...I wasn't literally in hell, was I? I'm pretty sure I'm not. It would've taken months to get rid of all the fire and brimstone that was here last time I visited.
And as I looked around, I realized: This room was full of all my stuff. All my books were on a shelf by my bed, while the wall opposite the bed had a television set up to my Xbone.
...A moment, please. I just thought about the new console generation, and I need to mourn the fact that I didn't pick the console that Bloodborne was on.
After a minute of silence, I spotted a note on the television. Naturally, I went to read it.
...Huh. I'm a Headmaster now. And according to a name on the back side of the note, I'm at...
[X] Hogwarts
[X] Homurahara
[X] Ashford Academy
[X] Gekkoukan High
[X] Write-in
To lay out some ground rules, after you start rolling, you can bank rolls. Banking a d20 banks the character you roll, even once the characters on the list are changed. Meanwhile, banking a d100 will get you the success amount. You can also sacrifice a banked d100 that ha a result of 75 or more, to learn which character you control if you roll a certain result. For example, you could sacrifice a d80 roll to learn who Person 18 is. If you roll a 100, and sacrifice it, you get the identities of all twenty characters at that point in time.
This will start after the next update, of course. For now, simply vote for the setting.
It's a confusing one, but mostly, it makes you paranoid. After all, if you're not where you fell asleep, what happened before you woke up?
I suppose a sleepwalker would be more used to it, but that's irrelevant. I'm not a sleepwalker, and thus, it was fairly unsettling.
Naturally, I got up to have a look around. The first thing I saw was a mirror. Which meant, naturally, I had to spend a few minutes admiring my immense beauty.
I am, after all, extremely attractive. All skeletons are, really, but me more then any other. My skull, for example, was basically perfection made manifest. In fact, the only reason people did not stare at my skull at all times was because my mere presence made everything in my surroundings like more beautiful. But enough about my appearance. If I described my look in-depths, you would be weeping bitter tears of despair, for you would never be able to see me in reality.
So, instead of describing myself, I shall instead mention how I posed for a moment, found my hat, and posed while wearing my hat. It liked that hat. It was a nice hat.
Once the hat was on my head, thus ensuring all was right in the world, I got back to the less important task of figuring out where the hell I was.
...I wasn't literally in hell, was I? I'm pretty sure I'm not. It would've taken months to get rid of all the fire and brimstone that was here last time I visited.
And as I looked around, I realized: This room was full of all my stuff. All my books were on a shelf by my bed, while the wall opposite the bed had a television set up to my Xbone.
...A moment, please. I just thought about the new console generation, and I need to mourn the fact that I didn't pick the console that Bloodborne was on.
After a minute of silence, I spotted a note on the television. Naturally, I went to read it.
...Huh. I'm a Headmaster now. And according to a name on the back side of the note, I'm at...
[X] Hogwarts
[X] Homurahara
[X] Ashford Academy
[X] Gekkoukan High
[X] Write-in
~~~~~
For those unaware, this is a Salt Quest style Quest. How that works is simple. To quote TehChron, who came up with the idea:To lay out some ground rules, after you start rolling, you can bank rolls. Banking a d20 banks the character you roll, even once the characters on the list are changed. Meanwhile, banking a d100 will get you the success amount. You can also sacrifice a banked d100 that ha a result of 75 or more, to learn which character you control if you roll a certain result. For example, you could sacrifice a d80 roll to learn who Person 18 is. If you roll a 100, and sacrifice it, you get the identities of all twenty characters at that point in time.
This will start after the next update, of course. For now, simply vote for the setting.
Update 2
Mortifer
Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.
- Location
- Under a rock.
[X] Hogwarts
So, to recap, I'm now the Headmaster of Hogwarts, a school for witches and wizards.
This... May be an issue. After all, everybody knows that the role of Headmaster is passed on through murder. Snape became Headmaster after killing Dumbledore, Voldemort didn't live long enough after that, and I presume Harry ended up as Headmaster after he graduated.
The problem then becomes, how the hell did I kill Dumbledore, and how much are people going to hate me for it?
...Well, maybe I'm overreacting. Perhaps I'm merely substitute Headmaster, while Dumbledore is on holiday. That's clearly also a thing, since I doubt the Ministry would allow a boy to become Headmaster when he's only been through six years of wizard education.
And maybe this is before Dumbledore even became Headmaster!
...Wait, no, that's worse, it means he'd try to kill me for it.
I should find out the date, before the wizard with the Elder Wand started coming for my bone marrow.
I look around for a moment, looking for a door.
Nothing.
Well, this is Hogwarts. There's probably a secret statue somewhere with a password. And since I would have given that password, it's easy to guess what it is.
"I am Lord Voldemort, and you will reveal your secrets." I say. Not a password I should ever let anyone overhear, in case they thought I was serious, but it's not like anyone would ever have a reason to say it.
A golden statue of me slides upwards, revealing a staircase down to...
...Huh. I recognize that. It's the Headmaster's Office in the movies.
Guess I'm in Hogwarts already.
I walk down the stairs, and look around. On the wall, there are dozens of sleeping portraits. The former Headmasters.
I can see Dumbledore's portrait on the wall, but not Snape's. So I'm pre-Deathly Hollows, at least. I know nothing except that, though.
A moment passes, and Dumbeldore's portrait opens it's eyes.
"Ah." He says. "You're awake. You secretary mentioned that you were going to be late."
I have a secretary?
"They also mentioned that you aren't properly awake until noon." He continued. "So she left a note on your desk, so you can remind yourself of whose at the interview before you get there."
Interview?
...Oh, right. Defence Against the Dark Arts. That's a thing.
I should see if I can break Voldemort's curse, so I don't need to hire a new person every year.
Still, I need my priorities.
I'm in the Harry Potter universe. A fictional universe, though not anymore, I suppose. A world where tons of people get one of the most versatile forms of magic that I know of, probably only just behind The Will and The Word. And I'm Headmaster of a school of magic.
I need to know something, and I need to know it now.
I click my fingers, and a House Elf appeared.
"You called for Sleepy, sir?" It asked, yawning as it did so.
"Yeah." I replied. "How much food can you bring me on short notice?"
"No limit, sir." Sleepy replied.
I'm in heaven.
"Get two more House Elves and bring me as much breakfast as you can." I say. "And send someone to tell the DADA Professor candidates that I'll be delayed a bit."
"At once, sir." Sleepy replied with another yawn. "I'll get Grumpy and Doc to lend a hand."
"Perfect." I say. "Chop chop."
The House Elf vanishes, and I smile.
"This is the best job." I say, picking up the list of people I need to interview and counting the names.
...Nineteen people? Huh. A surprising amount of people are willing to risk the curse.
Ah well, doesn't matter. I put the list down as the House Elves start appearing, with toast, cereal, and- Ooh, pancakes.
Delicious.
So, to recap, I'm now the Headmaster of Hogwarts, a school for witches and wizards.
This... May be an issue. After all, everybody knows that the role of Headmaster is passed on through murder. Snape became Headmaster after killing Dumbledore, Voldemort didn't live long enough after that, and I presume Harry ended up as Headmaster after he graduated.
The problem then becomes, how the hell did I kill Dumbledore, and how much are people going to hate me for it?
...Well, maybe I'm overreacting. Perhaps I'm merely substitute Headmaster, while Dumbledore is on holiday. That's clearly also a thing, since I doubt the Ministry would allow a boy to become Headmaster when he's only been through six years of wizard education.
And maybe this is before Dumbledore even became Headmaster!
...Wait, no, that's worse, it means he'd try to kill me for it.
I should find out the date, before the wizard with the Elder Wand started coming for my bone marrow.
I look around for a moment, looking for a door.
Nothing.
Well, this is Hogwarts. There's probably a secret statue somewhere with a password. And since I would have given that password, it's easy to guess what it is.
"I am Lord Voldemort, and you will reveal your secrets." I say. Not a password I should ever let anyone overhear, in case they thought I was serious, but it's not like anyone would ever have a reason to say it.
A golden statue of me slides upwards, revealing a staircase down to...
...Huh. I recognize that. It's the Headmaster's Office in the movies.
Guess I'm in Hogwarts already.
I walk down the stairs, and look around. On the wall, there are dozens of sleeping portraits. The former Headmasters.
I can see Dumbledore's portrait on the wall, but not Snape's. So I'm pre-Deathly Hollows, at least. I know nothing except that, though.
A moment passes, and Dumbeldore's portrait opens it's eyes.
"Ah." He says. "You're awake. You secretary mentioned that you were going to be late."
I have a secretary?
"They also mentioned that you aren't properly awake until noon." He continued. "So she left a note on your desk, so you can remind yourself of whose at the interview before you get there."
Interview?
...Oh, right. Defence Against the Dark Arts. That's a thing.
I should see if I can break Voldemort's curse, so I don't need to hire a new person every year.
Still, I need my priorities.
I'm in the Harry Potter universe. A fictional universe, though not anymore, I suppose. A world where tons of people get one of the most versatile forms of magic that I know of, probably only just behind The Will and The Word. And I'm Headmaster of a school of magic.
I need to know something, and I need to know it now.
I click my fingers, and a House Elf appeared.
"You called for Sleepy, sir?" It asked, yawning as it did so.
"Yeah." I replied. "How much food can you bring me on short notice?"
"No limit, sir." Sleepy replied.
I'm in heaven.
"Get two more House Elves and bring me as much breakfast as you can." I say. "And send someone to tell the DADA Professor candidates that I'll be delayed a bit."
"At once, sir." Sleepy replied with another yawn. "I'll get Grumpy and Doc to lend a hand."
"Perfect." I say. "Chop chop."
The House Elf vanishes, and I smile.
"This is the best job." I say, picking up the list of people I need to interview and counting the names.
...Nineteen people? Huh. A surprising amount of people are willing to risk the curse.
Ah well, doesn't matter. I put the list down as the House Elves start appearing, with toast, cereal, and- Ooh, pancakes.
Delicious.
~~~~~
Voting Begins! You may now start rolling your 1d20's and 1d100's for whichever character will preform your voted for action.
Also, as a suggestion, I wouldn't recommend burning dice to discover identities. Only 3-4 people from this vote will still be in Hogwarts for the next one, and you don't want to waste those dice, do you?
Also, as a suggestion, I wouldn't recommend burning dice to discover identities. Only 3-4 people from this vote will still be in Hogwarts for the next one, and you don't want to waste those dice, do you?
Last edited:
Update 3
Mortifer
Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.
- Location
- Under a rock.
As it turns out, the Headmaster of Hogwarts has the most stylish robes.
I look fabulous in this thing. And it's even got an enchantment on it that means that it swept ominously when I moved! I mean, it could be better, but it's still pretty good.
I'll need to put more effort into learning how to make the most out of these sweet robes. Maybe I'll bribe Snape to teach me how he pulls them off so well, assuming that he pulls it off as well as I remember.
Speaking of which, time for DADA interviews!
For some reason or another, I'm supposed to do that interview in the office that will later go to whoever gets the job. I was already fashionably late, so there was no need to keep them waiting any longer.
"Sleepy." I say. "Can you apparate inside Hogwarts while carrying me around?"
"Yes, sir." The House Elf replies. "Right away, sir."
A moment later, and I was sitting in a rather dark and empty room, with a desk between me and the door.
This place could really use some decorations.
"Thank you, Sleepy." I say. "You may leave."
The House Elf vanishes, and I walk to the door. As I approach, it bursts open, allowing me to strut into the room uninterrupted.
I love this castle.
"Interviews have begun." I state dramatically. "You will enter one at a time, and you will wait here when you are done. Which of you has been hired will be revealed after the interview has concluded."
And with that, I walked back into the room, and the door slammed shut behind me, for just long enough for me to sit at the desk.
Alright now, let's see how this goes.
"Fen- Er... Rirnef Kcabyerg." The man with a magnificent moustache says.
"Please to meet you, Fener Rirnef Kcabeyreg." I reply. "Now, why are you looking for a job at Hogwarts?"
"I've always wanted to be a teacher." He says. "I just really love kids, you know?"
"They're very lovable." I reply. "But alas, a love of a job isn't enough to get it. What qualifications do you have?"
The man stares at my chest with wolflike hunger for a moment, before he realized I had spoken. "Oh. Er. Well, I've had a lot of experience with Werewolves."
"That's a good start." I reply. "Anything else?"
He pauses. "...Not really." He admits.
I shake my head. "A shame." I reply. "But still, werewolves are better than nothing. I'll keep you in mind, Mr Kcabeyre-"
I get no further, before he launches over the table and grabs my ribs.
A moment passes, before I'm able to react.
"Kya!" I exclaim, kicking him away. "B-Baka!"
And then my brain reasserts itself, and I'm able to speak English again.
"I-If that's the kind of behaviour I can expect of you, Kcabeyreg, then don't expect to get this job. I don't want such a lewd man around children!"
The man hangs his head. "Er, sorry. I thought I saw some... Nargles."
"What an obvious lie!" I dismiss him. "Nargles are invisible! You can't see them!"
"My mistake." The man with the great moustache says, taking a moment to adjust his glorious facial hair for some reason. "I'll... I'll just go."
"Shoryuken."
"Thank you, Augus- OH GOD THE PAIN"
"'m fine." I grunt. "Totally let her do that."
"I'm sure you did." The man replied. "Still, old witches are the worst, aren't they? I recall those words being repeated often in my latest book, Breakdancing with Baba Yaga."
I paused, and look at the man. "Wait, are you-"
"Gilderoy Lockhart." The man replies. "Famous Light Wizard, renown author, four-times winner of the Witch's Weekly Most Charming Smile award, Dark Lord in Training, Order of Merlin 3rd Class, honorary member of the Dark Force Defence League."
"...What was that fourth thing?"
"Betrothed to no less than nine Wizarding Princesses, and at least double that in Muggle Princesses?"
"...Must have misheard." I said. "Anyway, that's quite a resume."
"Oh, it's only scratching the surface." He says, placing a large stack of paper on my desk, at least double his size. I'm not sure where he was keeping it, myself. "Here is a brief summary of my more famous exploits." He says.
"...Right." I reply, looking at the first piece of paper. "...Autobiography of Lord Oublie, Gay Boocks Kysth?"
Gilderoy snatches the paper off of me. "Oops, spoilers." He says. "That's for a book I've been planning on a while now."
"...Gay Boocks Kysth?" I repeat.
"Anagrams are hard." He admits. "Anyway, I'm sure I've made my impact. I look forward to working with you."
"You are better than most of my interviewees so far." I admit. But it was too late. He had already left.
"I haven't even done anything yet, Professor Mortifer. Nor will I, since Miss Longbottom has beaten me to the punch in mugging you."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
The green-haired, seeing that there was nothing more that he could do, left.
"Are we going to conduct an interview?" The man asks. "Or are we just here to practice saying my name?"
"I'm not sure we should even have an interview." I reply. "Even if I do hire you, I'll just have to hire someone else to replace you as Potion Master."
"Already sorted." Snape replies. "The Tunnel Snakes have lined up a skilled replacement for me."
"Tunnel Snakes?" I asked, but Severus ignored me.
"And besides." He continues. "I am, without a doubt, the most qualified for the job."
"Be that as it may." I reply. "I'm too lazy to do another interview for potion master, so I can't accept you."
"Ah, laziness." Severus replies. "Truly, Hogwarts is in good hands, when the Headmaster makes decisions based on what is easier."
"I might be convinced to change my mind if you explain the Tunnel Snakes comment." I say.
In response, Snape stands up, and lea-
Oh man, he totally rocks those robes, and I'm not even seeing an enchantment on those, how can a mortal man achieve this level of stylishness and how do I follow in his footsteps.
...Oh. It's Quirrell. Philosopher's Stone, I guess.
"Aren't you the Muggle Studies teacher?" I ask him.
"Y-Yes." He stutters. "B-But I f-feel as if I c-could use a c-change in v-vocation."
"But effort." I reply. "You're dismissed."
The man pauses for a while, before standing. "S-Sorry for w-wasting y-your t-time..."
You know, he's rather good at hiding how evil he is.
~~~~~Not all interviews were shown on-screen, because that'd take too long to write and screw that noise.
I look fabulous in this thing. And it's even got an enchantment on it that means that it swept ominously when I moved! I mean, it could be better, but it's still pretty good.
I'll need to put more effort into learning how to make the most out of these sweet robes. Maybe I'll bribe Snape to teach me how he pulls them off so well, assuming that he pulls it off as well as I remember.
Speaking of which, time for DADA interviews!
For some reason or another, I'm supposed to do that interview in the office that will later go to whoever gets the job. I was already fashionably late, so there was no need to keep them waiting any longer.
"Sleepy." I say. "Can you apparate inside Hogwarts while carrying me around?"
"Yes, sir." The House Elf replies. "Right away, sir."
A moment later, and I was sitting in a rather dark and empty room, with a desk between me and the door.
This place could really use some decorations.
"Thank you, Sleepy." I say. "You may leave."
The House Elf vanishes, and I walk to the door. As I approach, it bursts open, allowing me to strut into the room uninterrupted.
I love this castle.
"Interviews have begun." I state dramatically. "You will enter one at a time, and you will wait here when you are done. Which of you has been hired will be revealed after the interview has concluded."
And with that, I walked back into the room, and the door slammed shut behind me, for just long enough for me to sit at the desk.
Alright now, let's see how this goes.
~~~~~
"Name.""Fen- Er... Rirnef Kcabyerg." The man with a magnificent moustache says.
"Please to meet you, Fener Rirnef Kcabeyreg." I reply. "Now, why are you looking for a job at Hogwarts?"
"I've always wanted to be a teacher." He says. "I just really love kids, you know?"
"They're very lovable." I reply. "But alas, a love of a job isn't enough to get it. What qualifications do you have?"
The man stares at my chest with wolflike hunger for a moment, before he realized I had spoken. "Oh. Er. Well, I've had a lot of experience with Werewolves."
"That's a good start." I reply. "Anything else?"
He pauses. "...Not really." He admits.
I shake my head. "A shame." I reply. "But still, werewolves are better than nothing. I'll keep you in mind, Mr Kcabeyre-"
I get no further, before he launches over the table and grabs my ribs.
A moment passes, before I'm able to react.
"Kya!" I exclaim, kicking him away. "B-Baka!"
And then my brain reasserts itself, and I'm able to speak English again.
"I-If that's the kind of behaviour I can expect of you, Kcabeyreg, then don't expect to get this job. I don't want such a lewd man around children!"
The man hangs his head. "Er, sorry. I thought I saw some... Nargles."
"What an obvious lie!" I dismiss him. "Nargles are invisible! You can't see them!"
"My mistake." The man with the great moustache says, taking a moment to adjust his glorious facial hair for some reason. "I'll... I'll just go."
~~~~~
"Nice to meet you, Miss Longbottom. Can I call you Augusta?""Shoryuken."
"Thank you, Augus- OH GOD THE PAIN"
~~~~~
"Are you alright?" Asked the man with the beautiful smile. A hand is offered to me, and I take it, using it to pull myself off the ground.""'m fine." I grunt. "Totally let her do that."
"I'm sure you did." The man replied. "Still, old witches are the worst, aren't they? I recall those words being repeated often in my latest book, Breakdancing with Baba Yaga."
I paused, and look at the man. "Wait, are you-"
"Gilderoy Lockhart." The man replies. "Famous Light Wizard, renown author, four-times winner of the Witch's Weekly Most Charming Smile award, Dark Lord in Training, Order of Merlin 3rd Class, honorary member of the Dark Force Defence League."
"...What was that fourth thing?"
"Betrothed to no less than nine Wizarding Princesses, and at least double that in Muggle Princesses?"
"...Must have misheard." I said. "Anyway, that's quite a resume."
"Oh, it's only scratching the surface." He says, placing a large stack of paper on my desk, at least double his size. I'm not sure where he was keeping it, myself. "Here is a brief summary of my more famous exploits." He says.
"...Right." I reply, looking at the first piece of paper. "...Autobiography of Lord Oublie, Gay Boocks Kysth?"
Gilderoy snatches the paper off of me. "Oops, spoilers." He says. "That's for a book I've been planning on a while now."
"...Gay Boocks Kysth?" I repeat.
"Anagrams are hard." He admits. "Anyway, I'm sure I've made my impact. I look forward to working with you."
"You are better than most of my interviewees so far." I admit. But it was too late. He had already left.
~~~~~
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA""I haven't even done anything yet, Professor Mortifer. Nor will I, since Miss Longbottom has beaten me to the punch in mugging you."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
The green-haired, seeing that there was nothing more that he could do, left.
~~~~~
"Severus." I say, shaking my head. "Severus, Severus, Severus.""Are we going to conduct an interview?" The man asks. "Or are we just here to practice saying my name?"
"I'm not sure we should even have an interview." I reply. "Even if I do hire you, I'll just have to hire someone else to replace you as Potion Master."
"Already sorted." Snape replies. "The Tunnel Snakes have lined up a skilled replacement for me."
"Tunnel Snakes?" I asked, but Severus ignored me.
"And besides." He continues. "I am, without a doubt, the most qualified for the job."
"Be that as it may." I reply. "I'm too lazy to do another interview for potion master, so I can't accept you."
"Ah, laziness." Severus replies. "Truly, Hogwarts is in good hands, when the Headmaster makes decisions based on what is easier."
"I might be convinced to change my mind if you explain the Tunnel Snakes comment." I say.
In response, Snape stands up, and lea-
Oh man, he totally rocks those robes, and I'm not even seeing an enchantment on those, how can a mortal man achieve this level of stylishness and how do I follow in his footsteps.
~~~~~
I look at the door as my last interviewee walks in-...Oh. It's Quirrell. Philosopher's Stone, I guess.
"Aren't you the Muggle Studies teacher?" I ask him.
"Y-Yes." He stutters. "B-But I f-feel as if I c-could use a c-change in v-vocation."
"But effort." I reply. "You're dismissed."
The man pauses for a while, before standing. "S-Sorry for w-wasting y-your t-time..."
You know, he's rather good at hiding how evil he is.
~~~~~
"This has been a rather stressful period for all of us." I say to the gathered crowd. "And not all of us made it through. Mr Lupin's catwalk was a nice little bit of comedy, I have to say, but the stress got to some of us. But I'm sure that Mr Weasley's wife will be here soon to convince him that this singing lumberjack thing was a bad idea."
There is some nodding, and I take the opportunity to take a step away from Mrs Longbottom.
"But, at the end of the day, only one of you can become the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, and to that, I'd like to congratulate Gilderoy Lockhart, for his amazing experience in the field."
There's some applause, mostly from me and Lockhart. Once it dies down, I address the crowd again.
"Anyway, Lockhart, the House Elves will help decorate your new office shortly. Everyone else..."
I sweep my robe and thrust out a hand commandingly.
"BEGONE!"
Everyone leaves, grumbling. As he passes me, Snape whispers something into my ear.
"Meeting in one hour with Nicholas Flamel." He says.
...Oh, right, the Stone. Flamel probably doesn't trust me like he does Dumbledore, so there'll probably be a meeting about it soon.
...I wonder how the Philosopher's Stone tastes?
There is some nodding, and I take the opportunity to take a step away from Mrs Longbottom.
"But, at the end of the day, only one of you can become the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, and to that, I'd like to congratulate Gilderoy Lockhart, for his amazing experience in the field."
There's some applause, mostly from me and Lockhart. Once it dies down, I address the crowd again.
"Anyway, Lockhart, the House Elves will help decorate your new office shortly. Everyone else..."
I sweep my robe and thrust out a hand commandingly.
"BEGONE!"
Everyone leaves, grumbling. As he passes me, Snape whispers something into my ear.
"Meeting in one hour with Nicholas Flamel." He says.
...Oh, right, the Stone. Flamel probably doesn't trust me like he does Dumbledore, so there'll probably be a meeting about it soon.
...I wonder how the Philosopher's Stone tastes?
~~~~~
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Update 4
Mortifer
Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.
- Location
- Under a rock.
"Mister Flamel." I begin.
The old man opposite of me smiles. "Ah, Professor Mortifer. A pleasure."
"Same." I reply. "I see the years have been kind to you. Heck, your several times my age, but you wear it a lot better than I do!"
I'm so glad nobody's read Skulduggery Pleasant but me, it means I can steal jokes without being called out for it.
Snape rolled his eyes, and Nicholas decided to ignore my terrible humour.
"So, how important is this meeting?" I ask.
"Extremely." Nicholas replied. "I have recently contacted Dumbledore about hiding something within the castle-"
"Philosophers Stone?" I asked.
Nicholas looked at me. "...Yes. How did you know?"
"Magic." I replied.
Nicholas sighed. "Ah, I was afraid of that." He said. "But anyway, we need to know you can be trusted to protect it."
"So, you tell me something that I might not have known about before?" I asked. "That seems rather..."
"This is plan B." Nicholas replies. "My wife tried to apply as the DADA teacher, but you refused her position."
I blinked. "Wait, so that Perenelle Lamalf..."
"Literally just the last name backwards." Nicholas nodded.
"I thought it wouldn't work." Snape noted. "I appear to have overestimated your intelligence."
"I'll take that as a complement." I reply. "Somehow."
Snape goes back to ignoring me, and I turn back to Nicholas Flamel.
"So, Nick?" I ask. "How do you plan to test my loyalty?"
He opens his mouth, but before he could reply, a House Elf appears.
"Sir!" It called. "Mrs Weasley is here! And she isn't happy!"
"Considering her husband's breakdown, I'm not surprised..."
But the House Elf wasn't done. "That's not all, sir!" It called. "Mr Weasley leapt from a cliff to stay away from his wife, and now he's lost in the Forbidden Forest!"
I sighed. "Well, I suppose I should send Hagrid to find him." I moan. "Or perhaps let him become a forest person. That works too."
Suddenly, I felt a chill. "Actually, scratch that, I don't want Mrs Weasley to kill me, go find her husband."
The House Elf nodded, and disappeared.
"So, gentlemen..." I continue. "Where were we?"
"We were going to the Mirror of Erised." Snape noted.
"Nah." I reply. "House Elf! Bring me the mirror!"
I snap my fingers, and the mirror appears.
"...Also, from now on, only let Nicholas Flamel or Dumbeldore order you to do anything with the mirror!"
Nicholas let's out a sigh of relief, and Snape looks at me, as I look at the mirror.
"...Seriously?" He asks me. "That's what you want to do with the Stone? Eat it?"
"Don't bother." Said a female voice from behind me. "It tastes like trash."
We turn around, just in time to see Augusta Longbottom walk in, holding half of the Philosipher's Stone.
...Were those teeth marks on it?
"Unique, but trash." She continues, before throwing the rest of the stone into her mouth.
There is a pause.
"You ate the Philosopher's Stone." I said.
"Yeah." Miss Longbottom continued. "The mirror stopped me for a second, but it was powerless before a nagging grandmother."
Nicholas Flamel looked at Augusta, then at me. "I'm leaving." He declared. "Anyone seen my wife?"
"She and the Tonks girl were scheming something about Lockhart and the new job." Augusta replied. "Maybe they want his autograph? Those knives would look good with his signature, I admit..."
With that, Flamel left, and left me and Snape alone with Augusta.
"Every man for themselves!" I screamed, turning to run. Suddenly, Augusta's hand was on my throat, pulling me back.
"Snape!" I cry. "Help!"
The potion master drank some tea, and looked over at Augusta. "The vaults that require his presence to open are on the fifth floor, just past the weeping painting. I would like to note that, while he needs to be conscious for them to be open, he doesn't have to be conscious until he's there."
That was the last thing I remembered before being knocked unconscious.
The old man opposite of me smiles. "Ah, Professor Mortifer. A pleasure."
"Same." I reply. "I see the years have been kind to you. Heck, your several times my age, but you wear it a lot better than I do!"
I'm so glad nobody's read Skulduggery Pleasant but me, it means I can steal jokes without being called out for it.
Snape rolled his eyes, and Nicholas decided to ignore my terrible humour.
"So, how important is this meeting?" I ask.
"Extremely." Nicholas replied. "I have recently contacted Dumbledore about hiding something within the castle-"
"Philosophers Stone?" I asked.
Nicholas looked at me. "...Yes. How did you know?"
"Magic." I replied.
Nicholas sighed. "Ah, I was afraid of that." He said. "But anyway, we need to know you can be trusted to protect it."
"So, you tell me something that I might not have known about before?" I asked. "That seems rather..."
"This is plan B." Nicholas replies. "My wife tried to apply as the DADA teacher, but you refused her position."
I blinked. "Wait, so that Perenelle Lamalf..."
"Literally just the last name backwards." Nicholas nodded.
"I thought it wouldn't work." Snape noted. "I appear to have overestimated your intelligence."
"I'll take that as a complement." I reply. "Somehow."
Snape goes back to ignoring me, and I turn back to Nicholas Flamel.
"So, Nick?" I ask. "How do you plan to test my loyalty?"
He opens his mouth, but before he could reply, a House Elf appears.
"Sir!" It called. "Mrs Weasley is here! And she isn't happy!"
"Considering her husband's breakdown, I'm not surprised..."
But the House Elf wasn't done. "That's not all, sir!" It called. "Mr Weasley leapt from a cliff to stay away from his wife, and now he's lost in the Forbidden Forest!"
I sighed. "Well, I suppose I should send Hagrid to find him." I moan. "Or perhaps let him become a forest person. That works too."
Suddenly, I felt a chill. "Actually, scratch that, I don't want Mrs Weasley to kill me, go find her husband."
The House Elf nodded, and disappeared.
"So, gentlemen..." I continue. "Where were we?"
"We were going to the Mirror of Erised." Snape noted.
"Nah." I reply. "House Elf! Bring me the mirror!"
I snap my fingers, and the mirror appears.
"...Also, from now on, only let Nicholas Flamel or Dumbeldore order you to do anything with the mirror!"
Nicholas let's out a sigh of relief, and Snape looks at me, as I look at the mirror.
"...Seriously?" He asks me. "That's what you want to do with the Stone? Eat it?"
"Don't bother." Said a female voice from behind me. "It tastes like trash."
We turn around, just in time to see Augusta Longbottom walk in, holding half of the Philosipher's Stone.
...Were those teeth marks on it?
"Unique, but trash." She continues, before throwing the rest of the stone into her mouth.
There is a pause.
"You ate the Philosopher's Stone." I said.
"Yeah." Miss Longbottom continued. "The mirror stopped me for a second, but it was powerless before a nagging grandmother."
Nicholas Flamel looked at Augusta, then at me. "I'm leaving." He declared. "Anyone seen my wife?"
"She and the Tonks girl were scheming something about Lockhart and the new job." Augusta replied. "Maybe they want his autograph? Those knives would look good with his signature, I admit..."
With that, Flamel left, and left me and Snape alone with Augusta.
"Every man for themselves!" I screamed, turning to run. Suddenly, Augusta's hand was on my throat, pulling me back.
"Snape!" I cry. "Help!"
The potion master drank some tea, and looked over at Augusta. "The vaults that require his presence to open are on the fifth floor, just past the weeping painting. I would like to note that, while he needs to be conscious for them to be open, he doesn't have to be conscious until he's there."
That was the last thing I remembered before being knocked unconscious.
~~~~~
Timeskip! Everything that happens in this vote will happen between now and the first day at Hogwarts, to keep me getting bogged down in the day to day of things. As a result, some character rolls are for characters outside of Hogwarts. Harry Potter is now possible to roll, for example, if you roll the number that previously got you Voldemort.
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Update 5
Mortifer
Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.
- Location
- Under a rock.
"I can't believe this!" McGonagall demanded. "Transfiguration barely has any funding as it is, and you're cutting it further?"
"I'm extremely sorry." I apologise. "But Lockhart knows best, and if he thinks he needs more funding for textbooks..."
"For his autobiography, you mean." The cat lady replied. "Why don't you cut Snape's funding?"
"He needs it."
"Fifteen billion Galleons?"
I nod.
Snaps, who was totally in the room the entire time, spoke up. "Maintaining the Tunnel Snake Interdimensional Floo Relay is expensive."
"Tunnel Snakes?" McGonagall asked.
"I misspoke." Snape's replied. "What I meant to say was, Project Excalvitine requires a lot of funding."
"You really need to tell me what this conspiracy is one of these days." McGonagall replied, only for Snape to go mysteriously deaf.
"And that's why I can't cut his funding." I finished. "I'll probably get assassinated and replaced by, I dunno, a Basilisk in a fancy hat."
"In fairness." Snape interrupted. "A Basilisk would probably be better in this role than you."
"Agreed." I replied.
McGonagall turned away, deep in thought. "So, you only respect force, huh..."
And with that, she walked out.
"Did I make a decision I'm going to regret later, Snape?" I asked.
He looked at me for a moment. "...No. Not at all."
"Thanks, I was worried for a moment there!" I chirp. "Now, is there anything I need to do today?"
"The Sorting Ceremony." Snape replied.
I blinked. "First day of the year already? Huh. Time flies when you're having fun."
"You hibernated until two days ago and spent the rest of the time binge eating."
"That's what I said." I replied. "Now, House Elf named after one of the Seven Dwarves! Teleport me to where I need to be!"
And in a flash, I was before a few hundred students.
Huh, so this is who I was teaching.
...How did Snape beat me here? And where was McGonagall?
Ah well, it looked like I had a speech to give.
"Welcome, one and all, to Hogwarts!" I declare. "I am the new Headmaster, Professor Mortifer. No, I am not an unholy monstrosity as far as I am aware. Please save all questions for after the sorting. For now, let that begin!"
I tapped the table, and the Sorting Hat appeared on a stool before the group. Then, on it's own, it shouted out.
"Abbot, Hannah!" It called, and I decided to sit down and see what had happened in the news in recent times.
...Huh. The Minister for Magic had apparently been caught trying to create a Horcrux. Apparently, nobody knew where he was, or who the skeleton in his office belonged to.
Wow, didn't expect that. I wonder who was gonna replace Fudge?
"Boot, Terry!"
Hagrid had apparently started a clothing line, and- Wow, those robes looked great, I should get some off him, maybe saw it's his rent...
"Longbottom, Neville!"
A flinch at the name, then quickly burry myself in my books again.
...Lucius Malfoy had abandoned all subtlety, and declared his loyalty to The Fuhrer? Huh. Wonder where he ran off to.
"Potter, Harry!"
In other news, Yoflam Suicul had become the new Minister of Magic. Cool.
"Potter, Harry!"
Wait, didn't he just g-
I look up, and notice for the first time that, like, half the first years are wearing Harry Potter style glasses. At the mention of the name, a girl with brown hair ran up to the Sorting Hat, and got sent into Ravenclaw. A quick glance around confirms the presence of what looked like Goyle wearing glasses in Slytherin.
"...Potter, Harry?" The sorting hat went on, as a blond boy stood up. Soon enough, he was sorting into Hufflepuff, and at this point, the Sorting Hat had had enough.
"You know what, enough of this, the rest of you just go join Gryffindor, and I'll get on with this."
With that, the small army of Potter's stood up and went to join the Gryffindor table.
...Okay, what the fuck? Why was there a million people responding to the name Harry Potter?
"Page Six." Severus whispers into my ear, and I flip through the pages to get there.
...Huh. Accidental Magic gone wrong, now there were people all over Britain identifying as Harry Potter. Apparently, the spell broke on some people after a few days, while others were left as Harry for an indefinite amount of time.
...I'm not even mad, that's actually kind of impressive.
It didn't take long after that for the Sorting to finish, and I let people have their feast before I spoke.
As I reached for my nachos, Lockhart tapped my shoulder.
"Headmaster?" He began. "We need to talk."
"Can it wait?" I asked.
"Not really." Said the new DADA Master. "It's a matter of life and death for all the young ones."
I sigh. "Fine. Just be sure to have this done by the time I need to give my speech, okay?"
"Understood." Said Gilderoy, before the pet House Elf teleported us into his office.
Inside the office was a blonde girl of some sort. I look at her, then at Lockhart.
"Am I being made an accomplice to something here?" I asked.
"Kidnapping!" The girl snapped back. Lockhart ignored them.
"I'm afraid." Lockhart began. "That a Holy Grail War has begun."
Wait what.
"Already, I have summoned Saber here-"
"I don't know how to use a sword!"
"-One miss King Arthur Pendragon."
You know, now that he mentions it, I can see the resemblance.
"Why is she claiming to be kidnapped?" I asked.
"Information Erasure." Lockhart replied.
"Makes sense." I agreed.
Saber blinked. "No, don't tell me you actually believe him!"
"So, anything she says has nothing to do with what I hear?"
"Pretty much." Lockhart agrees. "But I need your permission to vet the students to ensure there are no Masters amongst them."
"HEY! YOU! LISTEN!"
I ignored Saber's contorted statement. "Of course, Gilderoy, you may."
If this is a fucking Nasu crossover and there's a Grail War I don't want someone summoning Solomon in Hogwarts.
...Maybe I should summon a Servant of my own.
"Anyway, it's almost speech time." I note. "Shall we go back?"
The girl growled. "Hey! When I get out of these handcuffs, I'm going to beat the crap out of all of you, weird skeleton magic or no weird skeleton magic!"
Lockhart nods, and House Elf number whatever teleports us back.
Standing up, I tap my glass a few times.
It's nice to see the students paying so much attention to me. Nice to know nothing will happen while I give my speech.
"I'm extremely sorry." I apologise. "But Lockhart knows best, and if he thinks he needs more funding for textbooks..."
"For his autobiography, you mean." The cat lady replied. "Why don't you cut Snape's funding?"
"He needs it."
"Fifteen billion Galleons?"
I nod.
Snaps, who was totally in the room the entire time, spoke up. "Maintaining the Tunnel Snake Interdimensional Floo Relay is expensive."
"Tunnel Snakes?" McGonagall asked.
"I misspoke." Snape's replied. "What I meant to say was, Project Excalvitine requires a lot of funding."
"You really need to tell me what this conspiracy is one of these days." McGonagall replied, only for Snape to go mysteriously deaf.
"And that's why I can't cut his funding." I finished. "I'll probably get assassinated and replaced by, I dunno, a Basilisk in a fancy hat."
"In fairness." Snape interrupted. "A Basilisk would probably be better in this role than you."
"Agreed." I replied.
McGonagall turned away, deep in thought. "So, you only respect force, huh..."
And with that, she walked out.
"Did I make a decision I'm going to regret later, Snape?" I asked.
He looked at me for a moment. "...No. Not at all."
"Thanks, I was worried for a moment there!" I chirp. "Now, is there anything I need to do today?"
"The Sorting Ceremony." Snape replied.
I blinked. "First day of the year already? Huh. Time flies when you're having fun."
"You hibernated until two days ago and spent the rest of the time binge eating."
"That's what I said." I replied. "Now, House Elf named after one of the Seven Dwarves! Teleport me to where I need to be!"
And in a flash, I was before a few hundred students.
Huh, so this is who I was teaching.
...How did Snape beat me here? And where was McGonagall?
Ah well, it looked like I had a speech to give.
"Welcome, one and all, to Hogwarts!" I declare. "I am the new Headmaster, Professor Mortifer. No, I am not an unholy monstrosity as far as I am aware. Please save all questions for after the sorting. For now, let that begin!"
I tapped the table, and the Sorting Hat appeared on a stool before the group. Then, on it's own, it shouted out.
"Abbot, Hannah!" It called, and I decided to sit down and see what had happened in the news in recent times.
...Huh. The Minister for Magic had apparently been caught trying to create a Horcrux. Apparently, nobody knew where he was, or who the skeleton in his office belonged to.
Wow, didn't expect that. I wonder who was gonna replace Fudge?
"Boot, Terry!"
Hagrid had apparently started a clothing line, and- Wow, those robes looked great, I should get some off him, maybe saw it's his rent...
"Longbottom, Neville!"
A flinch at the name, then quickly burry myself in my books again.
...Lucius Malfoy had abandoned all subtlety, and declared his loyalty to The Fuhrer? Huh. Wonder where he ran off to.
"Potter, Harry!"
In other news, Yoflam Suicul had become the new Minister of Magic. Cool.
"Potter, Harry!"
Wait, didn't he just g-
I look up, and notice for the first time that, like, half the first years are wearing Harry Potter style glasses. At the mention of the name, a girl with brown hair ran up to the Sorting Hat, and got sent into Ravenclaw. A quick glance around confirms the presence of what looked like Goyle wearing glasses in Slytherin.
"...Potter, Harry?" The sorting hat went on, as a blond boy stood up. Soon enough, he was sorting into Hufflepuff, and at this point, the Sorting Hat had had enough.
"You know what, enough of this, the rest of you just go join Gryffindor, and I'll get on with this."
With that, the small army of Potter's stood up and went to join the Gryffindor table.
...Okay, what the fuck? Why was there a million people responding to the name Harry Potter?
"Page Six." Severus whispers into my ear, and I flip through the pages to get there.
...Huh. Accidental Magic gone wrong, now there were people all over Britain identifying as Harry Potter. Apparently, the spell broke on some people after a few days, while others were left as Harry for an indefinite amount of time.
...I'm not even mad, that's actually kind of impressive.
It didn't take long after that for the Sorting to finish, and I let people have their feast before I spoke.
As I reached for my nachos, Lockhart tapped my shoulder.
"Headmaster?" He began. "We need to talk."
"Can it wait?" I asked.
"Not really." Said the new DADA Master. "It's a matter of life and death for all the young ones."
I sigh. "Fine. Just be sure to have this done by the time I need to give my speech, okay?"
"Understood." Said Gilderoy, before the pet House Elf teleported us into his office.
Inside the office was a blonde girl of some sort. I look at her, then at Lockhart.
"Am I being made an accomplice to something here?" I asked.
"Kidnapping!" The girl snapped back. Lockhart ignored them.
"I'm afraid." Lockhart began. "That a Holy Grail War has begun."
Wait what.
"Already, I have summoned Saber here-"
"I don't know how to use a sword!"
"-One miss King Arthur Pendragon."
You know, now that he mentions it, I can see the resemblance.
"Why is she claiming to be kidnapped?" I asked.
"Information Erasure." Lockhart replied.
"Makes sense." I agreed.
Saber blinked. "No, don't tell me you actually believe him!"
"So, anything she says has nothing to do with what I hear?"
"Pretty much." Lockhart agrees. "But I need your permission to vet the students to ensure there are no Masters amongst them."
"HEY! YOU! LISTEN!"
I ignored Saber's contorted statement. "Of course, Gilderoy, you may."
If this is a fucking Nasu crossover and there's a Grail War I don't want someone summoning Solomon in Hogwarts.
...Maybe I should summon a Servant of my own.
"Anyway, it's almost speech time." I note. "Shall we go back?"
The girl growled. "Hey! When I get out of these handcuffs, I'm going to beat the crap out of all of you, weird skeleton magic or no weird skeleton magic!"
Lockhart nods, and House Elf number whatever teleports us back.
Standing up, I tap my glass a few times.
It's nice to see the students paying so much attention to me. Nice to know nothing will happen while I give my speech.
~~~~~
You may roll again, to determine what happens during the speech.
Update 6
Mortifer
Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.
- Location
- Under a rock.
Interlude - ??? ?????? and the Arturian Prisoner
The girl chained to the wall may have given up hope that she'd be able to struggle free, but that didn't stop her from trying regardless. If there was a god, he owed her for this whole debacle, and given their apparent sense of unfairness, they may only grant a miracle if it was for something the girl didn't expect.
Damn that buffoon, and damn that Skeleton too. What exactly was their deal, kidnapping her? Thinking she was King Arthur? It was stupid. They were stupid. Everything was stupid.
The door creaked open, and the girl looked upon, fully prepared to give her kidnapper another tongue-lashing that he would no doubt ignore completely. Imagine her surprise when, instead, a red-haired boy stepped in.
"Bloody hell." He swore, rushing over to her. "Are you alright?"
"No." The girl replied. "I've been kidnapped!"
"I know." The boy said, looking over at the handcuffs. "I overheard Lockhart's talk with the Headmaster. Blimey, I never did like the guy, but I didn't think he was a kidnapper..."
"You overheard them? The girl asked. "What are you doing here, anyway?"
"Going to school." The boy replied.
"You're a student here?" The girl asked, before shaking her head. "No, not important. How'd you know to listen in on them?"
The boy paused, tapping the handcuff with his wand. "...It's a long story."
"Short version?" The girl asked.
"Bullshit magic." The boy replied. "As far as I can tell, my future self sent memories back to me? At first, it felt like I'd lived them, but it faded after a while, feels less real. But I saw..."
The boy gulped. "Bloody hell, it was horrible. All the skeletons, making bad puns. All the tunnel snake reference. Merlin's wand, it was a nightmare."
Then, sighing, he lowered his wand. "The handcuff's... Whatever enhancement is on them, I can't break them. Sorry, but I can't get you down."
The girl looked down. "...Oh."
A moment passed, as the boy went through his pockets. "...Chocolate frog?" He asked.
The girl looked back, seeing the moving creature in his hand, and blinked. "Uh... No thanks."
The boy sighed again. "Sorry I can't get you down."
"Can't you get help?"
"With Lockhart?" The boy asked. "Nobody would believe me. A lot of people consider him a hero."
"What a load of-"
"Listen." The boy said. "I can't do anything now, but I recall something vaguely, from my future memories. I might be able to learn a spell that could help here, if I get some time. I'll make sure to sneak in from time to time to try it out."
The girl smiled. "Really?"
"I can't just leave you here." The boy said. "What's your name, anyway?"
"Arthurline Grey." The girl introduced yourself. "You?"
"Ron Weasley."
And Now Back To The Speech...
"Ladies and Gentlemen-" I begin, only for someone to tap me on my shoulder. Turning around, I come face to face with Hagrid, still rocking his fabulous robes.
"Yes?" I ask. A moment passed.
"So." Hagrid began. "Nice weather, isn't it? Good for all me silk production."
"Is there a point to this?" I ask.
"And I was wondering." Hagrid went on. "What colour silk you think would go good on your bones?"
"I look fabulous in everything." I continue. "So I'll let you decide."
"Classical black? A good choice. My father was always a fan."
Suddenly, I hear a scream, and look to the crowd.
...Huh. Everyone was showing their inner me-ness. Look at all those skeletons. Over in Gryffindor, a boy in Quidditch clothes- Shouldn't that only be for when you're on the field?- Was cracking up.
"Hey, Crabbe!" Called the Goyle Potter. "Are you a skeleton? Don't worry, I'll fix it."
And with a wave of his wand, everyone in Slytherin turned into a newt. The boy looked at his wand for a moment.
"I, uh." He began. "I don't know how I did that."
"It was like this." Neville said, waving his wand. Suddenly, everything was shining. Wishing I could squint my eyes, I had a House Elf bring me sunglasses, and looked around more.
...Huh. No wonder all that shining was happening. Everything was crystal now. I was crystal, Snape was crystal, even Finch's cat was Crystal. The Ghosts, too. Nearly Headless Nick, recognizing that he now had a physical body, immediately went around reducing the length of his name. A changed man, Headless Nick started beaming, while people looked at the crystal knife in his hand in horror.
"This is getting silly." I say. "Ten points from each house responsible for this."
Everyone turns to the hourglasses of points, only to notice them empty.
"...Where are the points?" I ask.
"Don't worry." Snape replied. "They're charmed to return if stolen."
Sure enough, after a moment, there is a yelp as a big pile of crystal gems disappear from out beneath a Ravenclaw Student with the Harry Potter Curse- Is that Hermione?- And they appear momentarily.
"Clever." I note. "But seriously, how did Neville do this."
The boy rubs the back of his crystal head shyly. "Uh... Gran taught me a spell to turn things into crystal. Didn't get it working, though. Guess I did now?"
"Your grandmother is a terrifying woman." I note. Neville nods in agreement.
"Well." I note. "Everyone is crystal, and some of us are skeleton newts, and Lockhart is missing, and Idon't see the Weasley twins which is mildly terrifying, but at the very least, this can't get any wors-"
Suddenly, Quirrel ran in.
"Cats!" He called. "McGonagall is leading a cat army into battle! She demands a pay rise, and threatens flooding the castle in hairballs if we refuse!"
Everyone turns to him.
"...I thought you'd want to know." He says, fainting, landing on the back of his head.
"I just want this day to be over." I moan.
~~~~~
So, uh, I lost my old character list and had to make a brand new one, forgot most of the results too, so if anyone spots characters shuffled around a bit, that's why.You may now throw your vote behind what happens during the Battle of Eighty Bazillion Cats.
Update 7
Mortifer
Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.
- Location
- Under a rock.
It took a moment for the hall to process Quirrel's declaration. It seemed like complete nonsense, after all.
Professor McGonagall leading an attack on Hogwarts? With a cat army? It seemed as unlikely as Hagrid kicking a puppy, or Hermione failing a test.
But, when the hissing started and the cats started falling from the sky, the entire castle leapt into action.
I noticed for a moment, a blonde Hufflepuff waving their wand, and out the front of it came forth an army of Toucans. These Toucans blinded my sight for a moment, and I vaguely heard something that sounded like 'My father will hear about this' from the direction of Toucan Boy, but then someone kicked me in the back of the head, and I turned to face it.
"A traitor?" I asked the attack, a First Year girl with bushy hair, big teeth and glasses that reflected being someone infected with Potter Personality.
"That is not for you to know." The girl replied. "I challenge you to a duel, Professor Mortifer! Loser goes to the shadow realms, refusing the duel counts as losing."
I shrug, reaching into my robes. "Fine."
The girl reaches into a pocket, but I was faster, pulling out my wand and disarming her of her-
Cards?
The girl looks at her hand mournfully. "I should have been more specifi-"
The dark portal that appeared beneath her and dragged her down cut off the rest of her statement. I would have saved her, but then a cat jumped on my head and I had to deal with that.
Eventually, someone hit the cat on my face with an umbrella, knocking it off.
"Thanks." I said.
"No problem." Said the heavily accented voice that could only be Hagrid, before turning to the cat horde.
"Professor McGonagall!" Declared the half-giant. "How dare you put both students and animals at harm, when they could live together in harmony! In the name of the moon, I'll punish you!"
...Since when did Hagrid care about the moon? Was he a Crimson Moon worshipper?
Better keep an eye on him, someone summoning Berserker Arcuied would be a horrible thing.
First, though...
"Lockhart!" I called. The man appeared beneath me from underneath an invisibility cloak.
Ah, using stealth? What a wonderful ally.
"I need you to get students to safety." I replied.
"On it." Replied Lockhart. "By the way, has anyone seen any of the famous students? Harry Potter, for instance?"
"He was heading to bed last I saw of him." Replied a Gryffindor boy with orange hair, who was polishing his wand (Note to self, work on phrasing). "Something about this all being a dream that he wants to wake up from."
"Probably under the effect of a Dream Eater." Lockhart noted. "Keep an eye on him, Headmaster. If he starts talking about Kosm- Or was it Hypno?- Then we'll need to hold an exorcism."
"I'll keep that in mind." I replied. "Now get the students out of here."
"Hold on." The Gryffindor boy interrupted. "Need to go up to a girls bathroom somewhere, need to end this Tunnel Snake meme once and for all..."
Before I could ask, a very similar voice called out.
"BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROTHER!" It cried. The Gryffindor turned to the source, and gave his own scream.
"FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!"
"You dare plot against the Tunnel Snake mascot?"
"The days of the Tunnel Snakes is over!"
"The Tunnel Snakes are our allies!"
"The Tunnel Snakes must be destroyed!"
"Your path leads only to ruin!"
"Only the Tunnel Snakes deal in absolutes!"
I look to Lockhart. "Do you understand any of this?"
"Not really, no." Replied the teacher.
The twin further to me spoke. "If you're not with me, then you're my enemy."
The one near me tilted his head, and pointed his wand.
A moment later, spells were flying. For a moment, I am in the line of fire, until someone on a broom picks me up and whisks me away.
"Thanks for the save." I said, looking at my saviour. "Who are you, anyway?"
"Oliver Wood." The boy replied. "Also, sorry about this."
Before I could ask what he was sorry about, I was suddenly slammed downwards. I had just enough time to notice I was outside before I was piledrived into a squad of cat, my bones breaking off and scattering to the wind.
My skull, separated from the rest of me, sighed. "I hate it when this happens."
"Do you, now?" Asks an old female voice, and I turn around just in time to see Professor McGonagall strutting towards me, wearing an eyepatch for some reason.
I immediately start slamming my teeth together, hoping to make a sound similar to clicking my fingers in the hope that a House Elf would appear.
"None of that now." McGonagall said, removing my jaw, taking my ability to talk in the process.
Satisfied that there would be no interruptions, the woman began her monologue.
"Do you now how many years I've worked at Hogwarts?" She asked. "I was younger than most teachers when Dumbledore offered me a job. He saw my talent and natural teaching ability, and offered me a place. I actually started in Defence Against The Dark Arts, if you would believe it. Survived, but I was trapped as a cat for a decade afterwards."
There seems like a story here that I would like to know.
"The point is." McGonagall continued. "That I know more of Hogwarts secrets than anyone alive, bar Dumbledore. He was even grooming me to take over Hogwarts one day."
Dumbledore trained his teachers to kill him? Or kill whoever killed him as a replacement, I suppose.
"But then Dumbledore vanished, and nobody knows where to." She continued. "And then, you come along. You cut my budget. You keep the House Elves too busy making food to clean the Transfiguration Classrooms. You let Severus put Tunnel Snake influence everywhere, when I have worked for years to keep them confined. The year hasn't even begun, and you have undone years of work. Did you not think I would be mad?"
I tried to ignore her. Harry had the right idea, now was a great time for a nap.
"So now, I will fight fire with fire. The Earth Cats will take over the school, purge the Tunnel Snake influence, and become the new conspiracy behind Hogwarts. And you'll have a nice new job as a paperweight."
...Why am I opposing an option that ends with me getting a job where I get to sleep all day? This seems like a wonderful thing. I should join her.
Of course, I couldn't say this without my jawbone, and she was still monologuing, so I just tuned her out until I felt some-
wait why was the school glowing blue
My captor seems confused by this, and quickly runs to the Great Hall.
Once we arrived, I noticed a giant glowing blue portal in the centre of the room, right above Professor Quirrel, who was pointing his wand upwards.
"What the devil is going on here?" Asked Severus Snape.
"Behold!" Declared the Sorting Hat. "The power of the crystal! Long has the mysterious be known to impact on magic, and once again, we see the consequences of doubting it's power! A simple spell, meant to turn back time, has instead torn it asunder!"
wait what
"Oh, Hogwarts is safe. The Founders knew of the danger, and the mystery of the school outweighs the mystery of time. But with the power of the crystal flowing through the world like flesh blood, the strength of magic shall once more teach the unsuspecting the consequences of doubting it's whimsical ability..."
Oh god, this was some sort of time portal. Hopefully, people don't use it to fuck with time or anything. This is already enough of a headache...
Professor McGonagall leading an attack on Hogwarts? With a cat army? It seemed as unlikely as Hagrid kicking a puppy, or Hermione failing a test.
But, when the hissing started and the cats started falling from the sky, the entire castle leapt into action.
I noticed for a moment, a blonde Hufflepuff waving their wand, and out the front of it came forth an army of Toucans. These Toucans blinded my sight for a moment, and I vaguely heard something that sounded like 'My father will hear about this' from the direction of Toucan Boy, but then someone kicked me in the back of the head, and I turned to face it.
"A traitor?" I asked the attack, a First Year girl with bushy hair, big teeth and glasses that reflected being someone infected with Potter Personality.
"That is not for you to know." The girl replied. "I challenge you to a duel, Professor Mortifer! Loser goes to the shadow realms, refusing the duel counts as losing."
I shrug, reaching into my robes. "Fine."
The girl reaches into a pocket, but I was faster, pulling out my wand and disarming her of her-
Cards?
The girl looks at her hand mournfully. "I should have been more specifi-"
The dark portal that appeared beneath her and dragged her down cut off the rest of her statement. I would have saved her, but then a cat jumped on my head and I had to deal with that.
Eventually, someone hit the cat on my face with an umbrella, knocking it off.
"Thanks." I said.
"No problem." Said the heavily accented voice that could only be Hagrid, before turning to the cat horde.
"Professor McGonagall!" Declared the half-giant. "How dare you put both students and animals at harm, when they could live together in harmony! In the name of the moon, I'll punish you!"
...Since when did Hagrid care about the moon? Was he a Crimson Moon worshipper?
Better keep an eye on him, someone summoning Berserker Arcuied would be a horrible thing.
First, though...
"Lockhart!" I called. The man appeared beneath me from underneath an invisibility cloak.
Ah, using stealth? What a wonderful ally.
"I need you to get students to safety." I replied.
"On it." Replied Lockhart. "By the way, has anyone seen any of the famous students? Harry Potter, for instance?"
"He was heading to bed last I saw of him." Replied a Gryffindor boy with orange hair, who was polishing his wand (Note to self, work on phrasing). "Something about this all being a dream that he wants to wake up from."
"Probably under the effect of a Dream Eater." Lockhart noted. "Keep an eye on him, Headmaster. If he starts talking about Kosm- Or was it Hypno?- Then we'll need to hold an exorcism."
"I'll keep that in mind." I replied. "Now get the students out of here."
"Hold on." The Gryffindor boy interrupted. "Need to go up to a girls bathroom somewhere, need to end this Tunnel Snake meme once and for all..."
Before I could ask, a very similar voice called out.
"BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROTHER!" It cried. The Gryffindor turned to the source, and gave his own scream.
"FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!"
"You dare plot against the Tunnel Snake mascot?"
"The days of the Tunnel Snakes is over!"
"The Tunnel Snakes are our allies!"
"The Tunnel Snakes must be destroyed!"
"Your path leads only to ruin!"
"Only the Tunnel Snakes deal in absolutes!"
I look to Lockhart. "Do you understand any of this?"
"Not really, no." Replied the teacher.
The twin further to me spoke. "If you're not with me, then you're my enemy."
The one near me tilted his head, and pointed his wand.
A moment later, spells were flying. For a moment, I am in the line of fire, until someone on a broom picks me up and whisks me away.
"Thanks for the save." I said, looking at my saviour. "Who are you, anyway?"
"Oliver Wood." The boy replied. "Also, sorry about this."
Before I could ask what he was sorry about, I was suddenly slammed downwards. I had just enough time to notice I was outside before I was piledrived into a squad of cat, my bones breaking off and scattering to the wind.
My skull, separated from the rest of me, sighed. "I hate it when this happens."
"Do you, now?" Asks an old female voice, and I turn around just in time to see Professor McGonagall strutting towards me, wearing an eyepatch for some reason.
I immediately start slamming my teeth together, hoping to make a sound similar to clicking my fingers in the hope that a House Elf would appear.
"None of that now." McGonagall said, removing my jaw, taking my ability to talk in the process.
Satisfied that there would be no interruptions, the woman began her monologue.
"Do you now how many years I've worked at Hogwarts?" She asked. "I was younger than most teachers when Dumbledore offered me a job. He saw my talent and natural teaching ability, and offered me a place. I actually started in Defence Against The Dark Arts, if you would believe it. Survived, but I was trapped as a cat for a decade afterwards."
There seems like a story here that I would like to know.
"The point is." McGonagall continued. "That I know more of Hogwarts secrets than anyone alive, bar Dumbledore. He was even grooming me to take over Hogwarts one day."
Dumbledore trained his teachers to kill him? Or kill whoever killed him as a replacement, I suppose.
"But then Dumbledore vanished, and nobody knows where to." She continued. "And then, you come along. You cut my budget. You keep the House Elves too busy making food to clean the Transfiguration Classrooms. You let Severus put Tunnel Snake influence everywhere, when I have worked for years to keep them confined. The year hasn't even begun, and you have undone years of work. Did you not think I would be mad?"
I tried to ignore her. Harry had the right idea, now was a great time for a nap.
"So now, I will fight fire with fire. The Earth Cats will take over the school, purge the Tunnel Snake influence, and become the new conspiracy behind Hogwarts. And you'll have a nice new job as a paperweight."
...Why am I opposing an option that ends with me getting a job where I get to sleep all day? This seems like a wonderful thing. I should join her.
Of course, I couldn't say this without my jawbone, and she was still monologuing, so I just tuned her out until I felt some-
wait why was the school glowing blue
My captor seems confused by this, and quickly runs to the Great Hall.
Once we arrived, I noticed a giant glowing blue portal in the centre of the room, right above Professor Quirrel, who was pointing his wand upwards.
"What the devil is going on here?" Asked Severus Snape.
"Behold!" Declared the Sorting Hat. "The power of the crystal! Long has the mysterious be known to impact on magic, and once again, we see the consequences of doubting it's power! A simple spell, meant to turn back time, has instead torn it asunder!"
wait what
"Oh, Hogwarts is safe. The Founders knew of the danger, and the mystery of the school outweighs the mystery of time. But with the power of the crystal flowing through the world like flesh blood, the strength of magic shall once more teach the unsuspecting the consequences of doubting it's whimsical ability..."
Oh god, this was some sort of time portal. Hopefully, people don't use it to fuck with time or anything. This is already enough of a headache...
~~~~~
You may now roll and vote with you to use this as a chance to fuck with time.
Update 8
Mortifer
Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.
- Location
- Under a rock.
McGonagall continued carrying my jawless skull as she walked towards the portal, slowly approaching it as if-
...Oh, please tell me she isn't going to abuse it's powers.
That would be terrible.
"At last." She whispered. "The path to domination has come for-"
"Accio Wand!" A voice declared, and McGonagall's wand was ripped from her hand. She turned to the source of the voice, and as my skull turned with her, I saw Professor Snape holding two wands.
"Snape." She growled. "Your Tunnel Snakes cannot be allowed to claim the Portal!"
"You cannot stop me." Snape replied. "I was always stronger than you, even before you decided to wear an eyepatch and lose your depth perception."
"That matters now." McGonagall dismissed. Her hand went to the side, and amongst the two duelling redheads, one suddenly turned into a bird.
"George." The cat lady called. "Claim the portal whilst I deal with Snape. Use it to prevent Slytherin from cementing this legacy."
"At once, ma'am!" George replied, with a salute.
"Or." Snape cut in. "You might want to deal with all the Zombie Cats and Snakes I just unleashed on the Quidditch Field."
George's eyes widened, and he ran away, shouting something about finding some plants.
McGonagall glared, before reaching into her pocket, and pulling out a small rat.
"I wanted to eat you." The woman said. "But I shall give you a path to survival. If you grant the Earth Cats dominion over time, I shall return you to your owner, whoever the new Weasley boy is."
The rat gave a salute while shaking in fear, and when dropped to the ground, scurried towards the portal.
"Strange." Snape noted. "I had thought that the Rats were too terrified of the Snakes to defy me."
"Indeed." McGonagall noted. "I was surprised that worked as we- SOL FLARIO."
There was a bright flash of light, but Snape just threw another spell at McGonagall and tied her arms behind her back. My skull toppled to the ground.
"...Right." The teacher noted. "We're made out of crystal. Crystals don't get blinded in the sun."
I wanted to say that that sounded bullshit, but I was missing my lower jaw still, and wasn't really in a position to do anything. Still, taking the opportunity, I started rolling towards the portal, hoping to be able to go back in time to when I still had the rest of my skeleton.
"Hello, Headmaster." Lockhart greeted, as he looked into the portal from under his invisibility cloak. "Wonderful weather, isn't it?"
I continued rolling towards the portal, and an invisible foot stopped me.
"Oh, terribly sorry." The hero said. "But I need to use this first."
Use it? For what?
"Gendrium... Reverso!"
There was a bright flash as the portal began growing, and I could see figures within the portal, scenes of the past.
Oh, hey, I know that one! It's the Moon Landing! Right there, it was...
...Huh. I though Armstrong was a guy. Guess it's different in the Harry Potter universe? Seems like a weird change.
I wonder who that Vlad Tepes-looking woman was, the one impaling people on stakes? Some Vampire in the middle of nowhere?
Then there was a great and terrible roar, and something stepped out of the portal.
...That's a Triceratops. Why is there a Triceratops here?
"Behold!" Snape declared. "The ancestor to the Snake, the great Legged Beast, the Dinosaur! With these creatures by out side, the Tunnel Snakes shall rule the earth forevermore-"
"Aren't dinosaurs just inferior dragons?" Asked Hagrid, who-
I immediately repressed the memory.
"...Damnation." Snape swore. "I have made an error. Now what will I do with my velociraptor army?"
I feel like this is an abuse of power.
"This cannot continue." A voice spoke. Everyone turned to look, and Lockhart eventually nudged me to the side, so I, too, could watch Quirrel walking backwards towards the portal.
"I must stop this, the only way it can be stopped." Quirrel continued, showing off his great ventriloquism skill by talking while seemingly being asleep and not moving his lips at all.
Putting a wand over his shoulder, Quirrel continued his amazing act. "Step forth, Dumbledore."
The portal retracted, and after a moment, a woman with a long beard stepped through. She wore one of those old Hawaiian necklaces made out of flowers- A Lei, I think it was called?- And held some form of fruity drip to her lips with a bendy straw.
"Did I miss something?" She asked, and I froze.
No way. Impossible. I wanted to deny the sight in front of me with all of my might.
But, the truth was undeniable. That glorious beard, those stylish robes, that feeling that I had disappointed my favourite grandparent, the incarnation that summoned her...
Arianna Dumbledore was alive, and my canon metaknowledge was useless.
Suddenly, a hand picked up my skull, and a voice whispered in my ear.
"Goodbye, Headmaster." It whispered. "When you get to wherever you end up, tell them Peeves sent you!"
A stamp then hit the top of my head, and I was thrown through the portal. I passed through it as if it wasn't there, and ended up colliding into Arianna Dumbledore's head.
"Ow." She swore, before levitating me without a word or hand motion. "Ah, Mortifer. It is nice to see you well."
I felt my jaw reattach, and immediately began babbling.
"Ah, miss Dumbledore, how nice it is to see you, the weather has been nice recently hasn't it, I'm really sorry but can you put my bones back together and fix the time portal, I don't know how and-"
I'm interrupted by feeling my spine in my skull again, and a moment later, I could feel my entire body.
"There you are." She said, with a twinkle in her eyes. "And for the portal, the incarnation is more simple than you suspect. Time is a complex topic, but if you think of it like a fabric, with threads being the many different timelines weaving together, solving this tear in the fabric becomes a rather simple, one-word spell."
She passed a wand into my hand, then disappears. I looked down at the wand, and then up at the portal.
...It couldn't be that simple, could it?
"Reparo." I whispered.
The portal disappeared.
There was silence for a moment, as everyone looks at me. It occurs to me that, with the din of the battle, it's likely that nobody heard what I said, and probably thinks I did some impressive form of magic.
Oh, goody, time to fix this up.
"This battle is over!" I declare. "Everyone, clean up your mess, or I will. McGonagall! Remove your cats! Snape, the dinosaurs! Everyone else, everything else! I am going to sleep, and if everything is like this when I wake up, I am writing a letter to the Minister of Magic so that he can have you tried for... I don't know, you're all probably guilty of something."
I click, and a House Elf apparates me to my bed. There's a newspaper on it, which I'm pretty sure wasn't there before. I pick it up, curious.
...Huh. Apparently, it's now Year 2025, also known as 17 Years Post-Sorting.
Strange.
Well, I'm pretty sure Rettop Yrrah wasn't Minister for Magic before now either, and I'm curious as to why everything in Egyptian, but eh, questions for later. I'm tired.
I quickly skip through the newpaper to see if there's anything important, then throw it to the side. Then, I collapse on my bed, ready to sleep.
...
...Which would be easier if I wasn't being peaked in the face by an owl.
"What is it?" I grumble, as it drops a red envelope in front of me. I have enough time to see the Durmstrang symbol, before the letter explodes into motion.
"There can only be one!" The Howler screams, before spontaneously combusting on my face. A House Elf sprays me with a fire extinguisher, and I sigh.
This was going to be a thing now, wasn't it?
...Oh, please tell me she isn't going to abuse it's powers.
That would be terrible.
"At last." She whispered. "The path to domination has come for-"
"Accio Wand!" A voice declared, and McGonagall's wand was ripped from her hand. She turned to the source of the voice, and as my skull turned with her, I saw Professor Snape holding two wands.
"Snape." She growled. "Your Tunnel Snakes cannot be allowed to claim the Portal!"
"You cannot stop me." Snape replied. "I was always stronger than you, even before you decided to wear an eyepatch and lose your depth perception."
"That matters now." McGonagall dismissed. Her hand went to the side, and amongst the two duelling redheads, one suddenly turned into a bird.
"George." The cat lady called. "Claim the portal whilst I deal with Snape. Use it to prevent Slytherin from cementing this legacy."
"At once, ma'am!" George replied, with a salute.
"Or." Snape cut in. "You might want to deal with all the Zombie Cats and Snakes I just unleashed on the Quidditch Field."
George's eyes widened, and he ran away, shouting something about finding some plants.
McGonagall glared, before reaching into her pocket, and pulling out a small rat.
"I wanted to eat you." The woman said. "But I shall give you a path to survival. If you grant the Earth Cats dominion over time, I shall return you to your owner, whoever the new Weasley boy is."
The rat gave a salute while shaking in fear, and when dropped to the ground, scurried towards the portal.
"Strange." Snape noted. "I had thought that the Rats were too terrified of the Snakes to defy me."
"Indeed." McGonagall noted. "I was surprised that worked as we- SOL FLARIO."
There was a bright flash of light, but Snape just threw another spell at McGonagall and tied her arms behind her back. My skull toppled to the ground.
"...Right." The teacher noted. "We're made out of crystal. Crystals don't get blinded in the sun."
I wanted to say that that sounded bullshit, but I was missing my lower jaw still, and wasn't really in a position to do anything. Still, taking the opportunity, I started rolling towards the portal, hoping to be able to go back in time to when I still had the rest of my skeleton.
"Hello, Headmaster." Lockhart greeted, as he looked into the portal from under his invisibility cloak. "Wonderful weather, isn't it?"
I continued rolling towards the portal, and an invisible foot stopped me.
"Oh, terribly sorry." The hero said. "But I need to use this first."
Use it? For what?
"Gendrium... Reverso!"
There was a bright flash as the portal began growing, and I could see figures within the portal, scenes of the past.
Oh, hey, I know that one! It's the Moon Landing! Right there, it was...
...Huh. I though Armstrong was a guy. Guess it's different in the Harry Potter universe? Seems like a weird change.
I wonder who that Vlad Tepes-looking woman was, the one impaling people on stakes? Some Vampire in the middle of nowhere?
Then there was a great and terrible roar, and something stepped out of the portal.
...That's a Triceratops. Why is there a Triceratops here?
"Behold!" Snape declared. "The ancestor to the Snake, the great Legged Beast, the Dinosaur! With these creatures by out side, the Tunnel Snakes shall rule the earth forevermore-"
"Aren't dinosaurs just inferior dragons?" Asked Hagrid, who-
I immediately repressed the memory.
"...Damnation." Snape swore. "I have made an error. Now what will I do with my velociraptor army?"
I feel like this is an abuse of power.
"This cannot continue." A voice spoke. Everyone turned to look, and Lockhart eventually nudged me to the side, so I, too, could watch Quirrel walking backwards towards the portal.
"I must stop this, the only way it can be stopped." Quirrel continued, showing off his great ventriloquism skill by talking while seemingly being asleep and not moving his lips at all.
Putting a wand over his shoulder, Quirrel continued his amazing act. "Step forth, Dumbledore."
The portal retracted, and after a moment, a woman with a long beard stepped through. She wore one of those old Hawaiian necklaces made out of flowers- A Lei, I think it was called?- And held some form of fruity drip to her lips with a bendy straw.
"Did I miss something?" She asked, and I froze.
No way. Impossible. I wanted to deny the sight in front of me with all of my might.
But, the truth was undeniable. That glorious beard, those stylish robes, that feeling that I had disappointed my favourite grandparent, the incarnation that summoned her...
Arianna Dumbledore was alive, and my canon metaknowledge was useless.
Suddenly, a hand picked up my skull, and a voice whispered in my ear.
"Goodbye, Headmaster." It whispered. "When you get to wherever you end up, tell them Peeves sent you!"
A stamp then hit the top of my head, and I was thrown through the portal. I passed through it as if it wasn't there, and ended up colliding into Arianna Dumbledore's head.
"Ow." She swore, before levitating me without a word or hand motion. "Ah, Mortifer. It is nice to see you well."
I felt my jaw reattach, and immediately began babbling.
"Ah, miss Dumbledore, how nice it is to see you, the weather has been nice recently hasn't it, I'm really sorry but can you put my bones back together and fix the time portal, I don't know how and-"
I'm interrupted by feeling my spine in my skull again, and a moment later, I could feel my entire body.
"There you are." She said, with a twinkle in her eyes. "And for the portal, the incarnation is more simple than you suspect. Time is a complex topic, but if you think of it like a fabric, with threads being the many different timelines weaving together, solving this tear in the fabric becomes a rather simple, one-word spell."
She passed a wand into my hand, then disappears. I looked down at the wand, and then up at the portal.
...It couldn't be that simple, could it?
"Reparo." I whispered.
The portal disappeared.
There was silence for a moment, as everyone looks at me. It occurs to me that, with the din of the battle, it's likely that nobody heard what I said, and probably thinks I did some impressive form of magic.
Oh, goody, time to fix this up.
"This battle is over!" I declare. "Everyone, clean up your mess, or I will. McGonagall! Remove your cats! Snape, the dinosaurs! Everyone else, everything else! I am going to sleep, and if everything is like this when I wake up, I am writing a letter to the Minister of Magic so that he can have you tried for... I don't know, you're all probably guilty of something."
I click, and a House Elf apparates me to my bed. There's a newspaper on it, which I'm pretty sure wasn't there before. I pick it up, curious.
...Huh. Apparently, it's now Year 2025, also known as 17 Years Post-Sorting.
Strange.
Well, I'm pretty sure Rettop Yrrah wasn't Minister for Magic before now either, and I'm curious as to why everything in Egyptian, but eh, questions for later. I'm tired.
I quickly skip through the newpaper to see if there's anything important, then throw it to the side. Then, I collapse on my bed, ready to sleep.
...
...Which would be easier if I wasn't being peaked in the face by an owl.
"What is it?" I grumble, as it drops a red envelope in front of me. I have enough time to see the Durmstrang symbol, before the letter explodes into motion.
"There can only be one!" The Howler screams, before spontaneously combusting on my face. A House Elf sprays me with a fire extinguisher, and I sigh.
This was going to be a thing now, wasn't it?