Sakura Haruno The Gaming Addict, and Her Gamified Life [Naruto]
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Having stayed up the night before grinding, it was very hard for her to pay attention to her new Sensei being smug or her teammates introducing themselves.
It was even harder to pay attention to them when a statistics window opened for her.

Official Discord: Come chat, give feedback, call me an idiot.
Patreon: 7 Weeks of posts ahead, permanently.
(Coverart is made by a friend on the Discord, come barrage them with love if you love it.)
(It has been stressed that I should make it very clear that this story gets very AU far later in.)
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Canon-Side Story: The Bell Test
"The alarm is set to twelve." Kakashi's palm lands on a timer, one Sakura swears she's seen in her basement at some point. The man likes older things, that's info she didn't have before. Even as her brain fizzles a little from a lack of sleep, she is still able to pay enough attention to that.

More importantly, she's able to swap her attention back to Kakashi before he moves on without her. "Today's test is to get these two bells from me. Anyone who doesn't have a bell by noon, is being sent back to the academy." The man holds up jingling circular bells. The kind you might play with if you were trying to treat a cat. He clicks them together and he can even hear that little kitty jingle.

"We're going to start after I say, "ready, start." He stares them down with a very distasteful expression. She can't see it behind that mask, but she knows a shittalker when she sees one.
She's argued with enough on the microphone.

Naruto rushing forward before she can say a word doesn't surprise her. He's their idiot now, but he's still an idiot. She supposes she should try to find it endearing or cute, but right now her head kinda throbs and she'd rather he fall over and take a nap.

Kakashi does exactly as she suspects, he proves they cannot win. He has a kunai at the back of Naruto's head within a second, holding him in a position of pure dominance. She's worse than Naruto at Taijutsu, and even if she wasn't, it wouldn't matter. It was such a no-contest moment of sheer power that she's left rolling her eyes at the entire concept.

This isn't a test they're supposed to win by overpowering him, check, understood. The rule is set. "I didn't say start yet." Kakashi teases him, and she picks up on the little flicker of amusement in his tone. It's not something she did intentionally, but she knows the difference between a man trying to be scary, and a man who's actually being scary.

One does not play a party game without getting the idea.

"Ready, start!"
He shouts, and… disappears.
Great.






"Hey, wear this." She slips a headset directly over Naruto's head, having found him quickly. He's not very stealthy. "You too Sasuke." Neither is Sasuke, watching her from the trees. "They'll help us communicate."

"Why should we?" Sasuke asks, spinning a kunai in his fingers, to look cool most likely.

"Because the test doesn't make any sense, which means there's a trick." She explains. "And if there's a trick, all three of us need to come up with a solution."

"Maybe you can't solve it, but it's really obvious to me." Sasuke says, staring down at them both with that awkward - somewhat endearing - look of disdain. He's got an ego on him, that's true.

She ignores Naruto's shouting up at him, and continues herself. She's sure he can hear her, toning out Naruto is an Academy level skill. "Then you're an idiot." She calls him out. "Because it's not a test at all."

"... Huh?" She manages to get both of them to say that.

"We were told we'd be split into teams of three in the academy, even those that didn't get a jonin sensei were still split into three, and that made sense because every other team we've ever heard about was a three person team." She begins. "The hokages had three, the Sannin were three, even Kakashi's old team was three."

"Uh-huh…" Naruto pretends to follow along. See that, that's cute. Running at Kakashi, not cute.
Maybe she can get him treats and start training him to be cute.

"So, he's not splitting us into two and sending one of us back or anything, he just lied." She holds out the set for Sasuke after he jumps down. "They're bluetooth, which does mean if they're within a good range they should be able to connect to the receiver I put in the ground earlier. It's complicated nonsense, don't worry about it. We just have to meet Kakashi at the clearing and stay within that range anytime we need to communicate."

Naruto seems very happy to not have to care. Sasuke gives her a pointed stare.

"It'll stop us from having to yell." She explains, and Sasuke does grasp it… Probably.

"So, he's not splitting us up, which means he's also lying about the objective. We're not going to overpower him, it's just not happening - shut-up Sasuke - it's not." She pointedly points at him.

The boy, to his credit, does shut up.

"The test is either rigged, or it's not, and if it's rigged we have no option which means we can only logically work as if it's not." She explains. "Only play when you can win, if you can't, don't even consider that game."

"So you think it's possible we can't win?" Sasuke asks.

"Yeah, it's very possible our sensei is just an asshole and doesn't like kids." Sakura shrugs. "I'm not sure Jonin are required to take students or anything, maybe he just got saddled with us and wants out."

"And you're saying that doesn't matter?" Sasuke asks.

"Not even a little. We have to work under the assumption the game is rigged in our favor, because in no other situation do our actions matter. It's a split branch scenario with one path. At every step it's either rigged, or it's not, and we have to work with the one where it's not." She pulls out a strange device that's blinking a little bit, and a shovel.

"Now do any of us have a way to turn this shovel into a hole?" She asks.

"I do!" Naruto jumps up, grabbing the shovel.
And suddenly there's fifty shovels and fifty Narutos.

"Gonna need you to be a little bit stealthy." Sakura gulps, staring at it all.
It's incredible.
Ino would trade sides in an instant. There's just so much man here…
Awkward, strange, overly loud man without many redeeming qualities, but she's pretty sure Ino would use the line 'I can fix him.'



That sucked.
That sucked so hardcore.

They won, but it hurt, and now, now she's being carried by Naruto.
"You know, you're pretty strong." She compliments him, snuggling into the grip of the boy holding her aloft. It's comfortable at least. "I think I might be wrong about you."

"Wrong about what?" Naruto asks.

"Don't worry about it." She reaches up and pats his cheek.
"You're gonna be a good teammate. Forget anything bad I've ever said about you, okay?"

"Okay, Sakura." Naruto smiles brightly. It's enough for her to fade away with a smile of her own.
 
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Omake: Pitch Meeting - By The Stormbringer
Sakura skips sleeping to prepare for the next encounter with Haku...

Haku: You've made it. Let's talk.
Sakura: I've got the information you wanted.
Haku: Excellent, now we should--
Sakura: So here's how much the average top tier streamer makes. I think you could hit this category in record time. With a ground campaign we could spread your popularity like wildfire. Seriously, you have no idea how many girls would drool over you. Guys too, honestly. You probably don't have experience with games or streaming, but I'd be happy to train you and even operate as your manager if you really want. And again, we have loads of fangirls who would throw themselves at you. Here's the expected expense reports and a timeline of how quickly we can get you working.
Haku: ...this is not what I expected.
 
Omake: Three Jonin Bulli a Genin - Brain Power (SB)
Written by Brain Power on SB

"Guy, Asuma, Kurenai... I need to ask you all for a favor."

The three Jonin sensei looked across the bar table to Kakashi, the man slowly swirling a battle of sake in his grasp. It was usually pretty difficult to tell what Kakashi was thinking at the moment, but all three of them could at least tell that he was running off of very little sleep. His lone eye had bags so dark they could easily be mistaken for some sort of makeup.

"AAHH KAKASHI, MY ETERNAL RIVAL!" Guy boisterously proclaimed, laying his arm over said rival's shoulder. "WE WOULD BE HAPPY TO ASSIST YOU AND HELP YOU RECLAIM YOUR YOUTH!"

"Well," Muttered Asuma, looking around Guy's hair to look the copy ninja in the face. "I wouldn't put it like that, but if you're having this big of a problem that you're asking all three of us for help, then I don't see a reason to not help."

"I agree. So, Hatake, what's going on?" Kakashi placed his sake back onto the counter with a sigh, all of the energy in his body seeming knocked out of him by Kurenai's question.

"It's about one of my Genin students, Sakura Haruno." Kurenai quirked up an eyebrow.

"Really? I would have thought that the Uchiha or Uzumaki would have been problematic."

"Wasn't she supposed to be the highest scoring student of the graduates?" Asuma questioned, scratching the side of his face as he tried to remember the girl's profile. Kakashi could only sigh again at the reminder.

"It's not about her knowledge, or even her actual skills as a shinobi. If anything, those have flourished and grown at a rate even greater than mine." Kakashi took a sip of his drink, ignoring the sound of his fellow Jonin's jaws hitting the floor. "The problem is her self-care habits, or rather, her lack of them."

"Kakashi, you don't mean..." Kurenai started, not liking the implications. Kakashi just stopped her with a raised hand.

"She hasn't been endangering her life, at least she hasn't so far." Kakashi huffed and brought the sake back to his lips. "The problem is that she's a video game freak."

"Huh?" Guy raised a bushy eyebrow at his rival's statement. "What's so bad about video games? Why, Lee and I play them after almost every YOUTHFUL TRAINING SESSION! It's a great way to unwind!"

Kakashi suddenly leaned back, and what would have been a swig became a massive chugging session as he emptied the remainders of the drink into his mouth. Other bargoers looked on with befuddlement at how he was drinking through his mask.

"Gaaaah... The problem is that she, outside of training, only spends her time playing games." Kakashi rubbed his temples at memories of having to interrupt the pinkette's twelve hour long gaming sessions flashing through his mind. "It gets to the point that she's going nearly a whole week without sleeping longer than an hour! She should be doing that until she's at least a Chunin!"

Kakashi's three companions were now looking a lot more serious, even Guy. Each of them were fine with the idea of their Genin spending some time to enjoy things besides training, encouraged it even. But what Kakashi was describing was dangerous and self-destructive for a ninja.

"Alright, Kakashi. What can we do to help." Kakashi pulled out a set of three notebooks, sliding them over to his friends.

"Right now Sakura's been playing that new Persona 3 Reloaded game, ever since they released the Innocent Sin Online DLC that allows for online battles. So, we're going to need to get good with the mechanics of..."



Sakura wanted to cry...

[SakuraGoToBed]

Every single time she tried to play online...

[GetOfflineSakura]

These freaking goobers...

[SakuraSweetieTakeABreak]

SHOW UP TO RUIN HER FUN!

"Gaaah! Screw it!" She screamed, nearly chucking her controller at the wall (If she had she would need to repair another wall). "I'm going to bed!"
 
Canon Side-Story: A Son Obtained
This is the first of two canon side-story Omake, the other will be released on Friday.
This is a little smaller than I'd like but these were written during my week off.

Starting next Monday you'll start seeing a 1600 or more length chapter every Monday and Friday, but forgive the shrinkiness of this side story. I couldn't figure out a way to boost this short story without harming it.

As the previous word count was 3100 per week, and the new minimum starting next week is 3200 per week, I don't expect too many problems, but I do know some people like to read a lot at once.

My suggestion if the size bothers you is wait til Fridays and read em both at the same time every week.
I suggested the same kind of idea to patrons, except to wait for Sunday, so they could read the 4800+ at the same time.

Obviously I'd rather have your love right away but-
Enough of this, the short story is too small for me to have this big an author's note.


"So are you just not going to leave?" Mebuki asks, staring down at the vivid blond boy as he eats a sandwich at their table. He looks happy today. "I thought you left for a mission with Sakura like, yesterday."

"Oh, I'm gone." Naruto explains between bites of PB and Fluff. He seems to enjoy that a lot, she always stores a little bit of extra sugary nonsense for when she realizes Sakura forgot to eat again. "I'm a clone, the original wanted me to go through all the paperwork to start that cleaning business while they're gone, and maybe read a few books while I'm at it."

"Ah…" Mebuki pales at that, how much chakra could the boy possibly have? She knows his secret, every ninja her age does, but they've been assured over and over again that he's not the beast incarnate and the evidence in front of her doesn't speak to the validity of that claim. The beast isn't supposed to have any access to him, so why… Why does he have a clone that can think, and eat, and talk? "So why are you eating, I didn't know clones had to eat?"

"Most clones aren't around for days." He shrugs. "I got hungry."

"Oh…" Well, she couldn't argue with that. The Shadow Clone Jutsu splits someone's chakra between all the clones, so if this is his only clone, half his chakra is in Konoha right now, which means there's probably several dozen Jonin of Naruto in Konoha right now. "Can you make clones?"

"Haven't tried." He shrugs mid-bite of fluffy goodness. "Should I? I wouldn't want to accidentally pop."

"He's only a day away, if you pop he can send another." She says, "if you wait to test it that might not be possible."

"Right!" He brightens right up at the idea, and makes what appears to be a fake hand sign she's never seen the likes of. A mere moment later there's four more Naruto's in her kitchen. "Yep, I can make clones." They all assure her at the same time, resonating just beyond her ears into the perfect pitch. It's unreal, and not like anything one would normally experience in life. Even twins are unlikely to hit the exact same pitch in the exact same order at the exact same time..

"Oh dear, well, let me help you get the registration done so that we can make sure it's all ready." She says.

"You think I could surprise them by getting it started and running before they're back?" Naruto asks.

"... Yes, I think you could, and I think that'd be a wonderful idea." Mebuki gives the boy a hug as she passes by, on her way to leave and go to the Hokage tower to make sure the boy can even run a business as a child.





"What do you mean a genin can't run a business?" Mebuki drawls, her eyes narrowed at the registry Chunin, "there are so many cases where that's not true I can't even begin. You're being a dick because of his prisoner." Most wouldn't expect her to call someone out like that from looking at her, but Sakura didn't get her assertiveness from her father. She looks a little timid, a little meek, but she doesn't let that stop her. She stomps her foot down and glares her hardest while crossing her arms together. It's childish but it's effective, she watches him flinch.

"I'm, ugh." The man sighs, rubbing his forehead. "That's not it at all, there's rules on how long you can be a genin before you're considered responsible enough to supersede rank limitations. It requires a test and-"

"So I can take the test?" She asks.

"... Yes?" The man winces.

"Good, get me the test." She taps her foot against the floor, the clack harshly ringing out from a little metal plate on the bottom of her toes meant for exactly that purpose..

"Ma'am, I can't just-"

"Snap to it." She growls, brooking no argument, let alone a pointless stalling.

She'll be getting Naruto his damn business, whether he uses it to help his teammates, pay them back, or just get a lofty retirement fund for himself, it doesn't matter to her at all.

Her daughter decided that boy was her brother, which makes him her son, and she'll beat the shit out of a Chunin for her son if she has to. It's not like she couldn't, there's a huge difference between a combat genin and an office Chunin, the ranking rules are very relaxed and she has a shoe to beat him with so she automatically wins by default by being a pissed-off mom.
In fact… He hasn't moved yet. She reaches down for her shoe.






"Here." Naruto has to question why Mebuki has a black eye and a cut on her cheek and a grin on her lips, but she doesn't seem particularly bothered by it so maybe she's like Sakura and doesn't care about bodily injury at all. They've all been through pain resistance training, so it's not like he'd expect her to be whining and crying, but Sakura takes it a bit to the extreme and he's now pretty sure her mother does too.

"What's um…" He begins, only to be interrupted by her smirk. She points at the thing she slapped on the table before he can point to her eye.

"I registered your business under my name, when you advance to Chunin you can have it in yours." She says. "You'll have to get funding to buy an office and storage for supplies, but I can't do everything for you."

"Ah…" He looks at it, rolls it over, and quickly wraps the woman in a hug so warm and tight he'd worry about hurting her if he didn't know for a fact she's stronger than him. "Thanks, mom!"

It's forced, Mebuki can tell, he's not ready to take that step with her and it'd be fine if he never did. But at the very least his clone thinks he should, and that's enough for her to be happy he's shorter than her so he can't see the massive flush overtaking her face. Her heart beats faster, and her body shivers a little with an electric tingle that flows up her body from her toes to her scalp. That's just way too much. She's a grown woman though, she can't just show her excitement in real time that'd put pressure on him to try harder and continue. "You're welcome." She acknowledges it with a gentle touch, and a huge smile he can't see.

Even when he lets her go she holds a stoic but bright smile to put him at ease and ensure he knows nothing is wrong. "I have to go tell my husband the news, please read over the forms so you know the rules imposed on both of us, before I make lunch."

"I will!" He's so excitable, it's really hard to hide it.

The moment she's out of sight though, she shows just how far Sakura fell from the tree, by throwing her hands up in the air and wiggling her hips. She drops them, throws them up, drops them, throws them up, and all the while holds in a scream so he doesn't come to check on her.

She did it, she has obtained a son! Clone or not, she got one!

Woo! Screw you doctor and your 'you won't have more kids' speech. She's gonna write him a letter, it's gonna go like this:

Fuck off
Proving you wrong,
Mebuki Haruno.
 
Omake: Sakura and the Root of the problem - By KnightOwl
Sakura and the Root of the Problem

"You know," Sakura spoke up as she leaned against the tree. "that was a strange dungeon..."

"Yeah..." Sasuke murmured as he kept looking at the skull he had taken from the Boss, the strange old guy that future Sasuke had killed.

"Was that...him?" Naruto asked Sasuke, as he turned his head to him.

"...What happened to make you look so bad in the future?" Sakura interrupted her boys. "I mean you didn't look that bad in the cloak and stuff, but you looked really sad..."

"..." Sasuke just looked blankly at her.

"..."Naruto on the other hand looked at her like he was baffled.

"...Maybe we should watch you and make sure you take care of yourself better..." Sakura responded, wondering if they hadn't put everything together yet.

"Let's just talk about what you got..." Sasuke replied after a few moments.

"You mean the little minion game?"

"Yeah..." Sasuke replied, while wishing he could talk to someone else sane... Maybe Hinata would be a good sounding board, he needed someone to unload all the trauma he suffered.

Having all the secrets of the Uchiha fed into his mind was not something he wanted, especially finding out that the one known as Zetsu was behind most of his Clans misfortune. Largely by actually listening to the fool.

Like how this Obito was manipulated by Madara and Zetsu...

Notes: So now Sasuke largely has his head straightened by knowing his clans sins, and Sakura now owns Root.
 
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Canon SideStory: That Time Ino Pranked A Teacher So Hard He Tried To Kill Her
Watching Sakura has been a pastime of Ino for as long as she can remember. The pink-haired girl has always been incredibly different, and she noticed it from moment one. She can still remember the first time they met. Spotting Ami, Kasumi and Fuki cornering the girl during a Kunoichi lesson was an event that would change her life, but in different ways than she would have ever expected.

"Your forehead is so huge! I'd drop dead if I was caught looking like that!" Ami taunted, and Sakura shrugged.

"Drop dead then. We all look weird, we're kids." Sakura hadn't even looked up from her Gameboy, a little green device with strange buttons and lights held in her hands. She'd waved the girl off and continued without a single care.

She'd watched Ami deck her and had the urge to get involved and put a stop to that before it got serious, but something stopped her. Specifically, the mellow, bored look on Sakura's face even as her lip split open, stopped her. She should stand for those that can't defend themselves but what about those that just didn't feel like it?

Sakura didn't care. She took the blows and didn't even bother to fight back, she set her Gameboy under her to protect it, laid back and yawned, and let them hurt her, and when it was over, they looked more disturbed by the act than she did.

It wasn't until they left that she approached, finding Sakura picking her Gameboy back up while her forehead bled. "Are you okay?" Ino asked, kneeling beside the downed girl and digging into her pack for some of the medical supplies they'd all been assigned for practicing with. "You should tend to your wounds before you get back to playing."

"Why?" It was a question that opened Ino's eyes in several ways. It was absurd, strange, and somehow managed to create a crack in her reality that would one day become both admiration and adoration. "It doesn't hurt much, the academy pain training is a lot worse."

"Uh… what uh, pain training?" Ino's senses tingled in a lot of ways, not liking any of them.

"The one Mizuki runs." Sakura raised a brow at her. "You know, with all the pins and stuff."

Ino would later refer to this as her first 'what the fuck' even though she didn't know the words.






As Ino would find out the following day from her parents, pain resistance training is a legitimate part of the curriculum for every student, it starts out with little things and slowly progresses. It's assigned by teachers on an individual basis when they deem that person ready, and while it does get rather crazy it doesn't tend to until the final year of the academy for even the most die-hard, super talented students who might benefit from an even greater edge.
Sakura starting so early and so extremely had Ino asking a lot of questions, and the answer to those questions largely brought her to one conclusion.

Mizuki picked Sakura because it'd be okay to abuse her. She wouldn't say much because it was framed in an educational way and for her benefit, and he wasn't so much hitting her as causing systematic pain so she wouldn't register it under conventional rules as scary or harmful. The concept of abuse isn't particularly well defined in Konoha, and rules aren't set up very firmly in place around them. What you're doing is either messed up enough the enforcement of Ninja law gets involved or it doesn't so it's fine. He wasn't doing anything illegal, and she couldn't do anything to stop it, Sakura would probably be a better ninja for it one day and to rob her of that would be treachery in the eyes of the masses. Ninja skills are worshiped, suffering is glorified, and dignity is swept under the rug the moment it can be discarded. It was enough to leave her a bit disheartened, and woefully pissed off.
What this meant is that Mizuki had entered her shit list, even before she called it a shit list. He was the first person properly there, and she wasn't even completely sure why. Conflicting emotions raged within her, and that caused problems. As a little girl, Ino wasn't particularly good or skilled in any way to get back at the man, but she knew who was, and it turned out after a little observation that he was hurting Naruto too so the boy had a lot of reason to screw him over.

"Naruto." She'd poked his shoulder one morning during class, slipping him a note while Iruka spoke. The boy read it quickly, proving he could read, it was something she was slightly worried about. Reading isn't required until the second to last year in the Academy, and orphans frequently lacked skills like that. He looked back at her and nodded, giving her a thumbs up, and she smiled right back.

Their plan was set in motion, it was that simple. Naruto would figure something out, and she'd support him in making Mizuki regret his actions enough he'd cool it with her new friend Sakura and her possibly new friend Naruto.

What she didn't know at the time, was just how far Naruto was going to go with this. In hindsight, mentioning Sakura was also a victim probably wasn't very smart of her.






She still didn't know what Naruto's plan was even when they met after school. The boy was just rubbing his hands together while menacingly chortling. She knew he'd set something in play, but she was afraid to ask what. She knew Naruto was a trap mastermind, he did some kind of crazy nonsense almost every single day. She'd been the victim of a few of his pranks, nothing major, just small things that added up to create some annoyance at the boy. She still checked her seat every day to ensure she didn't end up with itching powder where she absolutely did not want itching powder.

She wouldn't say she deserved his wrath at any given point, but at their age he was still lashing out at random for attention, and she could understand that in her own way. She once ruined a batch of flowers because her father was giving it more attention than her…

"Do you think he'll learn?" Ino asked.

"Mmhmm, just um, here." He handed her a slip of paper, which she read over slowly.

`I totally helped plan this awesome prank and am equally responsible.` There was even a place to sign. "Naruto, why do you know how to make this?" It wasn't a complex legal document or anything, several of the words were misspelled even if she could easily tell what they were, and whether a 'contract' written in marker was valid was dubious at best, but she probably wouldn't have done much better in his place at her age. "Better yet why did you make this?"

"Because this is going to be really, really big." Naruto explained, using his hands to mime a huge explosion. "And if it falls entirely on me I'll be in really, really, really big trouble."

"But as a clan heiress, I can take some of the brunt." She realized, looking down at it. "Okie." With a quick scribble of her name, she handed it back, smiling brightly. "He needs this, so, what's the plan?"

"Oh, um-"

Boooooooom!

An entire classroom exploded behind him, paint flowed out the windows, chalk dust spread into the sky, and that was before she heard it, springs activated, and metal pings started flying in all directions around the room leaving holes in the wall that she could see from here.

"Narutooooo!" She was not ready for their teacher to jump out of the room colored like the rainbow, bleeding from several holes in his torso and holding a kunai in his hands. His eyes were bloodshot and filled with rage, and he was approaching with murderous intent she could feel.

"Run?" Naruto asked.

"Run." She agreed, and together they took off running, barely dodging a kunai thrown at him that missed due to Mizuki's mixed vision, one that almost hit her right in the eye instead.


"For attempted murder of a clan heiress, not to be forgotten that said heiress is your student, you're stripped of your rank and position at the academy, and will be under watch when within Konoha proper for the next ten years." He hadn't stopped at one kunai, and it had become really clear, really fast, that he had snapped and was fully intending to at least kill Naruto over it. "The extenuating circumstances have been noted, and taken into consideration to ease your sentence, but should you approach the Academy, or her home, or interact with any child within that time frame outside of the basics of politeness, you will be immediately persecuted to the fullest extent of the Yamanaka's discretion."

She hadn't expected that prank or what happened after, but if Mizuki was really brutal with his efforts, it made sense that Naruto might go farther than normal, and someone who could willingly abuse his position like that wasn't too far off from snapping. It made sense, looking back, but at the time it felt crazy and random. Like an event that happened to her instead of one she orchestrated. She wanted to teach the man a lesson, not ruin his life…

And yet, grown ups that know better decided for her. Ino stood tall for her age next to her father while in the court, and she'd given her tale of events. She'd even done Naruto a real favor, and left him out of it.

It'd entirely fall on her, the time Ino pranked a school teacher so hard he tried to kill her.
Her father, and the Hokage, had both agreed that it was best if she was willing to do it, and uh…

She was, so she did.

Years later the Hokage would pull Naruto aside and hand him a Jutsu scroll he'd copied some important notes onto, including the Shadow clone so he could pass his exam with a clone Jutsu. Ino would never know she'd solved a treason before it happened. And Sakura, having forgotten all about this, would ask the very same questions Ino did but with Kakashi, coming to a very different answer.
 
What If: Naruto had Accidentally Kissed Sakura instead of Sasuke
I started a new program when my Patreon hit $70. Any week where my Patreon is at $70 or above I will release a skit/what if short, one scene normally, on Wednesday.
This'll be both on Patreon and public.
Unfortunately Patreon already went back below $70 because I can't go three days without someone leaving, so, who knows maybe this'll be the only one ever released.

The day was young, and she was tired. Last night she'd gotten an idea for a new Fallout playthrough with some nice, tasty mods, and before she knew it, it was time for school and she hadn't actually started the playthrough yet. Fantasizing about what else to add to the list once she got home was more important than whatever everyone was talking about right now. Sasuke was ignoring her to her side, that was fine, Ino was to his other side, and it wasn't like she could gush about the mod list with Ino even if she was next to her, there'd be too many witnesses. Ino… she's done her best to hide her hobbies but can you really hide anything from a friend of so many years?

Ino pretends at least, it's nice. Naruto's shouting something, Ino's shouting something, people are shouting. Her head kinda hurts? Her fault for staying up all night again but can't anyone notice the bags under her eyes and be considerate?

She turns around to tell them off, eyes lazily taking in the room, just in time to see Naruto's face coming towards hers. Quick ninja senses - tired or not - tell her someone bumped him from behind him, so he's not intentionally attacking her.

She holds in a sigh, and just lets it happen. Whatever the idiot is up to, it can't be that bad.

That's what she thinks before she finds herself pressed back against the desk behind her with the full force of Naruto's body. Not that big a deal, still, it hurts a little but less like a knife and more like the water was a little too hot.

It's blatantly ignorable, and she does, until the screams start.
That's odd… did he die? She tries to look around his face in her face to see, but, nope, he seems pretty alive if his awkward unsure expression is anything to go by.

Then why?
That's when she finally focuses on reality enough to feel it. Warm, soft lips on her chapped, dried out ones. They're kissing, have been for a few seconds now. One would think he'd pull away since this is an accident but he's probably just as freaked out as she should be.

She closes her eyes and lets it end.
And it doesn't.
One, two, three, four-
Alright she- almost hits him, before something occurs to her.
This is definitely his first kiss.

Aren't those important to people?
She doesn't want his first kiss to be interrupted with a punch. How does she get out of this?
Uhhhh-
She palms both his shoulders, letting him get his warm wet experience for another second, before pushing him away, still in her grip. The boy looks dazed. His eyes are rolling, his head is lolling.

"Oh, he passed out." She realizes, dropping him to the floor like a ragdoll.

She then spins around in her chair, looks at the front of class with a palm on her chin.
She wonders if she should get a balance mod? It's not Oblivion so it's not required but - ooh, should she start an Oblivion playthrough? It's been so long but it's so good!

"That's what I should do!" She snaps her fingers, much to everyone's surprise, before she takes a piece of paper and starts scribbling the basic framework for her new modded Oblivion playthrough. In code, of course, she doesn't want anyone to know what she's doing. Maybe they'll think it's a revenge plot for Naruto? Who cares.

She needs an alchemy mod, should she go with arrows? There's a lot of good improved Archery mods but then if she's not going with archery why bother? Alchemy and arrows, poison? She could find a good poison overhaul, she bets there's a great one. She also has to check to see if Hentai has made any cool armor mods as of late…
 
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What If: Sasuke Had Gotten Hunger Instead
Patreon is over $70 again this week so here you go.
Made a fancy new What if. This one was my Fiance's idea, which was kinda cool. I love cooperation.
Patreon's getting a double feature this Friday probably because I missed Monday due to complications from moving and everything. You know my bath has been clogged since I moved in here? I can't take a bath... I'm kinda pissed.


"Here." A blade clatters to the ground at Sasuke's feet, Kakashi not even bothering to hand it to him so much as toss it in his general directly. Kakashi's always treated him with a little less respect than the others. He can't blame the man, he doesn't give Kakashi as much respect as the others do either. It's less a dislike thing and more a mutual understanding that neither of them need all the bells and frills that come with motivational teaching and teachering.

It's still annoying to be blatantly disrespected though, there's a difference between casual acknowledgment and co-existence without worship or praise, and throwing shit at him randomly. "I thought Sakura was the one trying to learn Kenjutsu." Sasuke objects, looking down at the thing with the ominous aura. It's so dark and broody that even he's sensing it, and he's yet to touch it. "Give it to her."

"I already gave her something." Kakashi says, kicking some dirt in his direction, and getting some on the sword as if to say 'this is yours, and so is this dirt'. "But as an Uchiha, you'll benefit far more from this particular sword than she will.

"What's it called?" He asks, reaching down, and gasping for air the moment his hands land on it. It's Itachi, or, rather what Itachi would feel like if he was a sword. Memories come rushing back, blood stained hatred and an eternity trapped in an emotional loop. He finds himself on his hands and knees, grasping at the sword and the dirt, anything to feel something in his nerves besides the agony that's never passed no matter how many days he waits for it to fade.

"Haaah-what-unholy-I-" His words don't make any sense to him, his consciousness fades into memory. A clash of blades, blood-soaked pages and misfortune given form. He can feel a cloak of madness surrounding him, and the sun fading until all he can see is the darkness, and the pool that surrounds his nightmares. Forced to watch, over, and over, never able to get involved and stop it no matter how strong he is.

Sasuke hasn't truly slept in years, but holding this sword in his hands, he feels slumber take him.





"Soooo, we're just not gonna talk about that?" Sakura asks, standing next to the unconscious Uchiha who'd just tried to cut her in half with a sword Kakashi has decided needs to rest for another hundred years in his basement.

"Nope." Kakashi asserts, kicking the downed boy, "don't give Uchiha cursed items, I guess."

"No kidding… And when he shot all that black fire around, can Uchiha just do that?" Sakura asks.

"Nope, that's new." Kakashi lies, knowing damn well that's going to be a conversation with the Hokage, possibly a conversation with them down the line as well.

Naruto is just over there by the tree shivering, it's the first time anyone has ever truly tried to kill him, and he's not handling it well. Technically it's the first time for her too but uh, somehow, she's not bothered. Kakashi gave him a cursed sword because he's a dick, not their teammate's fault.

"I will bear that in mind." Sakura says, inwardly glad for the test here and not later when she rolls a cursed loot drop in the field. "At least his eyes had looked really cool…"
 
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What If: Inari Gained Mario Powers
Another week with Patreon above $70, another What If.
This idea was provided by my fiance. If you'd like it to be your name up here you should join the Discord and give me ideas, I have a channel for this.

Boing-Boing-Boing!
It was shortly after Sakura left that Inari first noticed it. His jumps were higher, and his landings had a lot more impact.

That was before the Koopas attacked. Like they came right out of the game Sakura had left him, he watched the turtle monsters climb from underground, from caves, and come from the water. It didn't matter where you looked, you would find more of the infestation spreading throughout the village, and no one knew what to do with them. They were hostile, but if you managed to keep your distance they would just roam around in their pre designated areas and munch on whatever was available. They never seemed to stray from their path, and always did exactly what they had done the very first time they took to their own routine and started waddling around.

They were found to be quite resistant to weapons, and forced people out of their homes with nothing but their clothes and what little food they could scrounge.

That was before Inari took action. "Squish-squish-" The turtles underneath his feet feel a little gross, before they explode into pixels and he's awarded coins. He's got himself a new pack to pick up the massive golden objects which are doing wonders for Wave's economy, and he happily carries them around with a smile. He's stronger too, strong enough to carry the thick overweight pack while jumping around and landing with enough impact to shake the ground and create small craters when he really puts his all into it and does a little flip before slamming down butt first.

He's not sure what all the powers are, but he can tell the gist. Sakura's game somehow gave him a gift just before the disaster, and now it's his daily job to go around clearing out people's homes and fixing what damage is done so that Miss Jenkins can make her boys lunch and his grandfather can get the building done.

"You can do it Inari!"
"We believe in you!"
"Smoosh them turtles!"
It's not his friends cheering him on, though they do sometimes do just that.

It's Naruto.
Specifically three Naruto in different forms. One of them's a girl that looks a lot more like Sakura than he's probably been given permission to make her look.

It brings a mild blush to his cheeks every job well done. "You know you three could help!" He says, leaving a run-down shack that had a spiny. He had to hit it with a chair to knock it on its back before he could jump on it.

"Wouldn't dream of it."
"It's your glory Inari!"
"Do your best!"

With a sigh he moves onto the next house infested, they came from the drains this morning. Who'da thought something could just travel through the pipes like that? He'll never poop with a calm mind again.

He hopes the clouds don't start throwing them down tomorrow, the clean up would be ridiculous.
 
What If: Naruto Started a Second Business
Another week where Patreon is above 70, another What If.
This was inspired by talks over on SB, enjoy.

The fox has been a forbidden animal in Konoha for as long as most modern genin can remember. Twelve years and ten months ago, a disaster of untold proportions slammed into the village and left rot every which way one looked. Those who hadn't been able to run or hide and had been unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity perished immediately. Those who had been unlucky enough to be too close but still skilled enough and capable enough to get away had died hours to days later from the putrid miasma that had leaked through the streets and eviscerated immune systems in a way a biological weapon could only dream of.

Unequipped to handle such destruction, hospitals were crowded, and people died from completely preventable causes due to the overwhelmed staff being unable to help, which only aided the numbers as they grew through the roof.

It's pretty safe to say that if there was one animal anyone would think of to cause more stress than any other, it would be the fox.

This is why no one is sure how to feel about the development occurring before them, but morbid curiosity makes them want to try it regardless of the icky feelings welling up inside.

"Get your emotional support Vulpix for the evening, it comes cozy and soft and full of love!" It seems Naruto's started another business, the boy standing in the middle of the market district has dozens of cute fluff balls surrounding him and appears to be handing them out. Under whose license this second business is being run, the Hokage will have to check when he gets back to the tower, but for now.

"Yes, I would like to try one." The man in the hat, grandfather to the young businessman and lord of the village, would like to pet the six-tailed fox about the same size as a small dog.

"Your first day's free, Jiji, that's just how confident I am that everyone will return for a second time." The blond boy hands over a wriggling fox to the Hokage without a doubt in his mind, winking at him with glee. "He'll disappear in the morning, be sure to give him lots of pets or he might get antsy."

"Naruto, what is this?" The old man can't help but question aloud, holding the creature in his palms. It is very soft, he also can't help but notice how well it reacts to his touches.

"I thought the village needed more softness in its life, that's all," Naruto says with a wicked grin, "so I started a business, Emotional Support Vulpix, feel free to tell it everything that bothers you and give it lots of hugs."

"You started a business, to get more hugs." The Hokage surmises, after a moment to think about it. They're obviously shadow clones, something only Naruto could do. He'll have to ensure the Jonin know not to tell them any secrets. He imagines that by the time someone is Jonin, and therefore privy to secrets the boy shouldn't just know, they'd know better than to talk to a shadow clone cutie about it, but being swayed by an adorable face is something everyone has done before at least once. It wouldn't be the dumbest reason he's had to discipline a ninja for spilling secrets, even if Naruto could probably be trusted.

"You got a better idea?" Naruto asks, "I was feeling cold."

"Right, well, I'm sure this will help." It's probably harmless, and, well, it's kind of cute. Besides, Naruto getting the memories will also help them snuff out animal abusers rather quickly, this could be useful.

Most Jonin have a summon, which means most Jonin have enough of a bond with their animals to have words for those that would hurt their pets. If nothing else, he can sell off the rights to discipline those Naruto uncovers for a tidy profit.
 
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