An Open Question
However easily sleep usually came, tonight just wasn't doing it. Whether it was because he was just a bit more restless than usual, or he had something to get off his chest, Sosuke didn't know. He didn't know a lot of things, now that he thought about it.
Being inside his own head so much over the last few weeks was odd. Very odd, in the grand scheme of his life. Up to this point anyway.
Sosuke didn't fancy himself a dull man, he was actually rather mindful. Especially relative to his peers, but that didn't mean he was mindful about himself, the parts that mattered most anyway.
What he believed? It was always in flux.
Every new fact to be learned, every piece of information was context for further understanding. The more he took in the less valid his previous understanding became. That was the nature of learning he guessed. But that had odd consequences for his soul, for his thoughts.
Just how quickly he could slip into a new mode of thinking, of action, it was beginning to dawn on him. All it took was something new to steer him in another direction. He led himself by the nose with every bit of information that crossed his path. No part of his outlook was permanent, ingrained or written in stone.
He was like water.
He supposed that was why he enjoyed training so much. The time with Kyoka Suigetsu, with the illusions was the most exciting part of his day, of his life really. In that narrow space behind his eyes was the meeting place between himself and something beautiful. And that place had as much definition as a puff of smoke.
There were constants of course, but even those were just things that had yet to change. There was always time for the water to dry or the sky to empty. Even he wasn't a constant at this point.
His inner world was the truest expression of everything that he wasn't and could be at a moment's notice.
What is Sosuke Aizen?
He can't say an individual, not during Jinzen anyway. How many of himself were there after all these sessions? He had lost count. So many dead copies, broken copies, bad copies, perfect copies. Copies with sweet smiles, copies with hard eyes, copies in pain. So many pieces of himself were scattered about and not one of them was whole.
Was he honorable? Was he cruel? Was he dangerous? Was he weak?
At times he'd made a pretense to all the above and plus some.
That was the nature of his zanpakuto, he guessed; to be everything at once or only a few things at a time.
What could be seen was only a function of how much practice he put in or attention he paid. The illusions were all up to him, up to his moods, up to his actions. And She was along for the ride. Will be along.
No wonder she cares how I feel so much, she's stuck with me no matter what I do.
He was a blank slate, he realized. More than less at any rate.
He was young now, but what does this boy lying on his cot know about the man he will be in a hundred years' time, two hundred, or even just fifty? Shinigami can live for ages if they're smart and powerful. Maybe even forever if they're crafty enough, who knows what's possible?
It was a frighteningly open question, it was a beautiful question. About himself, about Her, all of it.
Just what will they become together, if she keeps pushing him, if he keeps following where she leads?
What happens if he leads?
What mask will fit best?
What mask will satisfy himself?
What mask will satisfy her?
She liked it when he was ruthless and crafty, he thought.
Or maybe she just liked that he played it smart.
Maybe she was just happy that he was learning.
Maybe
he was happy that she was happy at all.
He certainly wanted to keep her that way.
Sigh.
"Kaname-san?" Sosuke asked in the dark of their room, he suddenly felt the urge to speak. "Are you awake?"
"Only until your reiatsu calms down." Kaname said, after a beat.
"I apologize... I'm usually more well put together by lights-out."
It's the truth after all.
"What troubles you then?" He asked softly, "So we can both get some sleep."
A number of things and nothing at once.
"I'm curious. Could you…tell me about your relationship with your sword. If it's not too personal." Sosuke asked, edging toward his real question:
Is it odd to feel the way I do, about the woman that is also my sword?
"There is not much to tell, truth be told. We are bound by a common history, our souls are joined. This may change in the future, but for now we are pleasant with each other."
"When you speak to your zanpakuto…"
How do I say this? "What is their tone?"
"I have the feeling that you're avoiding your real question, Sosuke-san."He replied, not quite exasperated, but getting there.
"You may as well say 'get on it with it…'"Sosuke muttered to himself.
"If it gets you to make your point, I may have to."
"I think my sword and I have a mutual affection. I don't think this is normal."
Kaname was chuckling to himself, very softly of course. It was very much unlike him. Far be it from him to even crack a smile.
"I suppose it's normal for boys our age to feel this way about our swords…"
Damn you Kaname, "I'm serious."
"I'm just making my fun Sosuke-san, Isshin-sama has that effect on people." He said, still trying to hold back from making another joke. "Though I should ask, since this is a serious question, what exactly do you picture my zanpakuto to look like?"
"I could hardly guess. I hoped it to look like a person at least."
"A person? How interesting…"
"A woman to be specific, a very beautiful one. She's the one who's been giving me all these beatings."
"Well that explains a few things. Namely why you can't seem to speak clearly. " Kaname mused. "Though this means we can still be friends, if yours was also an insect I might need another roommate."
"I shouldn't have to say that this stays between the both of us."
"Understood."
"So what
is your zanpakuto, exactly?"
"A cricket, or something close. They sing sometimes, mostly sad songs..." He said, catching his training of thought "Though they do have many legs and a beautiful voice, they're very much not my type nor should they be anyone else's, Sosuke-san."
"No wonder you think this is so funny. All you have to do is make small talk with a bug the rest of your life."
"The 'bug' resents that statement... Though I wonder what your lady thinks of mine so far."
"She hasn't spoken much tonight, actually. Now that I think about it."
"Does she not speak much? Lisa-san would be very disappointed in your taste if that's the case."
"If I knew you were so quippy at night, I'd have kept my thoughts to myself."
"I'd try to help it, but it's in the air. Nighttime always puts me in odd moods." He pondered thoughfully. "I've been told that when the sun goes away that you all have a hard time seeing as well."
"It makes me feel at peace. As if the world was fair for just a few hours a day."
This is more what I expected from him. More philosophizing, less jokes.
"
Hmm, I suppose that's true. I can't see much of anything right now. It's distracting how few distractions there are here."
"Are my quips not distracting enough? I hoped I could joke you to sleep."
"No such luck Kaname, no such luck..."
This conversation could go on for hours and they'd still get nowhere. Maybe it was better to have it at another time. Maybe with someone else.
Maybe you should talk to me?
That would make sense wouldn't it?
.
.
.
.
Author's Note: Assume for the first section, that Kyoka Suigetsu is responding to those questions, but Sosuke's too caught up to hear her.
Kaname does actually help him toward the end, even if neither of them knows it. Having no one on the outside to talk to about this, conversely, leads Sosuke to look inward.
And now they'll have a heart to heart off screen, because I don't know what
@stairmaster wants to do with this relationship, if anything.
Nope, and I don't have any ideas to suggest besides the same old "Kaname learns Aizen sort of has a crush on his sword spirit." Maybe have people comment on Aizen's Competent Rank in Zanjutsu and Kido?
Definitely a Kyoraku question, but that's for another time, another Omake. Shame that we're not further on into the quest, though there could be a part two for this, over a cup of sake instead.
EDIT:
To any of the people who're reading this close to the posting time. I've probably edited more than a few things. Everything's the same, more or less. But I polished up that dialogue to something respectable.