Chapter 39: Communication II
- Location
- Volksstaat Hessen, Deutsches Reich
Rei was still tense. Asuka could feel it. Not that she blamed her. One didn't reveal such fundamental facts about oneself like this every day. Asuka still didn't fully know what to make out of that revelation. She knew the most important part – that she loved Rei, trusted her, wouldn't leave her. Shinji had had the right idea, and looking back Asuka was a bit embarrassed that she had been frozen by shock for so long. She should have stood by Rei more definitely. But she had… overthought the whole matter. And maybe she still was.
So Rei was manufactured… Asuka was still not comfortable with that thought. It didn't sour Rei for her, but… Who would do such a thing? Manufacture a person? NERV, or maybe NERV Japan, seemed to be even worse than Asuka had assumed. In a way, this only reconfirmed her commitment to Rei. She might be a clone, and others might have treated her as a tool, but to Asuka, she was her love. One of her loves. No matter what the world thought – she would defy the whole world for Rei's sake, if need be.
Asuka knew she should prepare a list of demands and positions for the next round of negotiations that would start the next day… but Rei took precedence. The two girls and Shinji were sitting in the living room, closely huddled together. The outside world was forgotten for now. All three were caught in Rei's life story… a story of misery and loneliness. It was hard on them all.
Rei talked about her first years. Growing up in a room with no barren concrete walls, mechanical devices all around, a dirty, industrial room. No wonder her apartment was like that… Rei told them how normal this had been for her. How comfortably familiar, even.
"Did you choose your apartment then?" Asuka asked softly.
Rei shook her head. "It was assigned to me. But I liked it. It felt familiar. Less troublesome than the outside world. Before I learned to appreciate that outside world. Before I met you two."
Rei told her how she had barely any human contact at all. Only the Commander and the Vice Commander would come see her, and that infrequently. How she had always looked forward to those rare moments, and how Ikari especially had become associated in her mind with hope and human contact and even friendliness. Asuka was appalled. Conditioning, pure and simple. She was furious in fact, but for now she just held Rei and listened to her.
It was hence quite unusual when she was introduced to two other people for the first time: Naoko and Ritsuko Akagi. The Commander had spoken about them at length before their first visit, especially about Naoko. So when Rei approached Naoko on her own, she naturally repeated his words… and Naoko killed her for it. And that was when things changed.
Asuka couldn't believe what Rei said next. Or no, she did believe, she trusted Rei after all, but she would have liked not to believe. Rei's soul was split. Only half her soul was transferred into a new body, the body she and Shinji had first met. The other half had somehow been put into EVA-00 – her anger, her resentment, her spite. That all had resided in the Evangelion. Somehow.
What was left of Rei was hardly there at all. That was how the blue-haired girl described it. A feeling of only being half present in the world – which was the literal truth, actually. No appreciation of sights, foods or music. No spirit to resist what was being done to her. Only the barest and most primal conception of human warmth.
"And yet, you two broke through to me," she whispered softly.
At this point, Akagi was began to take care of her. She became part of Ikari's plan for Rei. Just like Ikari, she only saw her infrequently, and when she did, it was for invasive medical checks, orders or harsh words. She's involved in this all… And she knew about Rei's half in EVA-00. Actively used that fact.
Rei had had nothing. No feelings, no connection to humans, no warmth. That was why she had leaped at the chance to pilot. She hadn't just been ordered, it had been her will. Asuka could understand that, of course. She knew how it was to depend on EVA to have anything at all. Still, she thought this appalling and… perverse. Rei had jumped at the chance to pilot for Ikari because of the conditions Ikari had created for her.
Ikari had kept her in sensory deprivation so that only his short visits would become points of light for her, so that she would do anything to get any sort of human contact. What sort of human being is the Commander?
So Rei had gone through it all without complaints. The rigid schedule. Obeying orders without question. The pains of the activation test. Constantly struggling with the version of herself inside EVA-00. Because piloting EVA was all she had had.
...She's just like me.
And throughout all that Rei had considered herself nothing more than a tool. Created by the Commander for a purpose. Only important as a means to fulfill his aims. A tool that just happened to have a human form, and human thoughts, emotions and desires.
"If that Rei saw me now, she would be appalled," Rei whispered. She was now half-sitting, half lying between Asuka's legs, her body leaned against her chest. Asuka was stroking her hair, while Shinji held her hand. "For having allowed my emotions to overcome me. That is exactly what happened."
"And that's good!" Asuka insisted. Fuck the Commander. Fuck him. A deep, abiding rage was boiling inside her, but for now she focused on comforting Rei.
"Everyone… everyone who feels and thinks like a human being is a human being," Shinji opined. He smiled at her. "I mean… you… must be one. Would Asuka and I fall in love with a tool?"
From over Rei's head, Asuka could see how her cheeks coloured. You're the best, Shinji. The blue-haired girl finally answered, "I know now that I am not a tool. You two already have convinced me. The conceptions of duty I held can't compare to what I'm feeling now."
She came to the end of her tale. How she met Shinji and was surprised that someone, anyone would show her such warmth. How she met Asuka and how the redhead turned her world on its head. How she died against Bardiel, how she came back to life, and how she was sorted out by Leliel.
"You… talked to the angel?" Asuka asked.
Rei nodded, something that Asuka more felt at her chest then that she saw it. "It meant well. It just wanted to understand. And it helped me to understand."
"So even among the angels attacking us… not all are enemies?" Asuka asked.
"I don't know," Rei stated.
"They wouldn't attack if they weren't our enemies," Shinji stated sullenly.
Shit. My big mouth. After what had happened last fight, of course Shinji wouldn't give angels the benefit of the doubt.
Shinji breathed out, and then look down at the ground. "I… I can't believe… my father! He did that all!"
Rei sat upright again between Asuka's legs and grabbed Shinji's shoulders. "You're not him."
"I know," Shinji almost snapped. "But… you're telling this so calmly… after all he's done to you… don't you hate him?"
"Hate…?" Rei whispered. She seemed conflicted about this. "Should I hate him?"
"If somebody locked me in a dirty room for years with no sunlight or human contact… I'd hate them!" Asuka stated with certainty. And to do that to Rei… She did hate Ikari now.
"I know I do…" Shinji muttered angrily. "My father… how could he do this? And I thought… I thought what he did to me was bad!"
"The Commander..." Rei began hesitantly.
She had both her partners' attention. "Yes, Rei?" Asuka prompted him.
"I've never seen him in such terms," Rei admitted. "He's just the Commander. A fact of life."Asuka scoffed. "Do I hate him?" Rei muttered. She seemed unsure.
"Well, I do," Asuka now admitted. She became quite forceful. "The thought of… of anyone doing this to you… I love you Rei. And I… I can't accept that anyone has done this to you!"
Meanwhile, Shinji's body was all rigid. He seemed too tense to even only speak. Finally, Rei spoke up again, "I don't know how I feel about the Commander and his… plans. I'm just glad that this all is in the past for me."
"It is," Asuka confirmed softly and wrapped Rei into a tight embrace.
However, Shinji still seemed to be lost in his own thoughts. "Damn my father," he muttered. "Damn him, damn him, damn him. How could I ever… could I ever want praise from such a person?"
Both girls looked at him from their embrace. Rei spoke up, "Shinji?"
"He's dead to me," Shinji declared icily. "Only… only you two matter. He's… what's between us is just genetics. Not family. You two are family."
Both Asuka and Rei now straightened up a bit, to drew Shinji into their embrace. The boy, who had thus far knelt upright, nearly fell over, but the two caught him.
"We'll take care of Rei," Asuka promised him. "And we'll look into the future together. Without fathers or Commanders or Vice-Commanders."
It took the whole day before any of them could speak or even only think about anything else. A day mostly spend cuddled up, each of them clinging to the others, as if they were each other's shield against a harsh and brutal world outside – a world in which people could create girls like Rei as tools and get away with it.
So in the afternoon, Asuka was kind of shocked when Shinji declared he would go out shopping for groceries. He, of all people? It would be the first time in a week that he left the apartment. She thought about accompanying him, but that would mean leaving Rei behind. And all three of them going was made impossible by the need to keep their relationship a secret. And while Asuka was still fretting about what to do, Shinji simply left the apartment.
A bit more than an hour later, both she and Rei basically leaped at him when he came home. Both had been worried, and that apparently with good reason: Shinji was sweating and shaking. They gently led him to the kitchen.
"I… I thought I was ready…" he reported with shaking voice. "I mean… I know we're together now, but… out there… I began doubting again. Fearing. Thinking..."
"We know," Rei whispered to him. Both girls had their arms around him.
Shock therapy. Not always the best course of action…
It soon became apparent why Shinji had burdened himself with this journey: He had bought very high-quality ingredients. Delicacies. And as soon as he had calmed down, he began cooking. A vegetarian meal. It was clear he wanted to show to Rei how much she meant to them. That she did deserve all the best in the world. Realizing that, Asuka could have just taken him and… but he was busy cooking of course.
After the meal, after they had washed the dishes and cleaned the table, Asuka dared for the first time to ask a question that had been in the back of her mind the whole day, but had been too buried by concern for Rei to be voiced. "Rei… you mentioned souls. A part of you inside Evangelion Unit 00. I don't understand."
"Souls are that part within every being which creates the AT Field," Rei explained. "The AT Fields in turn separate the souls from each other and thus ensure that individuals are in fact distinct individuals. Souls are the centre of your individuality, your 'selfness'. Metaphysical Biology is the study of souls."
"The subject my father studied," Shinji muttered. "And my mother as well."
Huh. "My mother as well," Asuka breathed. That coincidence was odd enough, but there was more of course. Questions regarding the nature of Evangelions. Asuka was almost afraid to keep on asking. After all, she had worked with EVA-02 for eight years now, and it had become a core of her identity. "Are you… are you saying…."
There was a sound coming from the door. Saved by the bell. Asuka rushed towards the door and opened it. Misato was standing outside, wearing her best 'Major' mask.
"Can I come in, Asuka?" Misato asked. "We really need to talk. All of us."
"Wait, please," Asuka told her. She walked back into the kitchen and explained, "It's Misato. She wants to talk. Maybe we should?"
"You were telling us something, Rei," Shinji spoke up.
"It's alright," Rei said. "It can wait. Let's hear the Major."
Asuka nodded and then called over to the door, "Come in, Misato".
Misato did so. After she had taken off her shoes, she entered the kitchen. A grave silence lasted in the room. The Major looked each of the pilots in the face.
"Asuka… Shinji… Rei… I'm sorry." And then she bowed deeply.
Asuka was stunned. Sure, Misato had made mistakes. And she had fully intended to point them out to her. But that Misato would start with an apology… and then such a formal one… Asuka knew how much this was worth in Japanese society – especially from a superior to subordinates.
"Misato..." she just stammered.
Misato stood up straight again, and looked at each of the pilots in turn. "Rei, I apologize as your Operations Director. Shinji, I apologize as your Operations Director and current guardian. And Asuka…" She breathed out. "I apologize as your Operations Director, as your current guardian, and as your former guardian. I have failed you all."
"But… Misato…" Shinji protested.
"Asuka… I've read your file," Misato began to explain. "I knew you were cast off by your father to NERV. And I knew what we, NERV, did. Always pushing you. Always just looking at your synch-rate. Throwing your childhood away. I knew all this… and brushed it aside. We didn't see you as a child to take care of, but as a tool. We didn't raise a child, but a pilot. I did as well. And I have only now realized how awful this was. I can only ask forgiveness."
"That's not… that's not how..." Asuka tried to protest, but couldn't find the right words. Her childhood hadn't been "thrown away". She had been given purpose. She was an EVA pilot now, part of the elite. Surely that meant her childhood had been spent well!
...and yet, it wasn't entirely wrong that many of her guardians had in fact seen nothing else in her, and had always just looked at her synch-rate…
"And now here in Japan," Misato continued, "I sent you all into battle. I sent children to face alien abominations in life and death battles. I saw and heard how you suffered, and then simply sent you into the next battle. And while this may all have been necessary because of the angels… I just took it for granted. What I did was terrible, but I never apologized. Never told you you should have it better than this. Never even showed sympathy. Instead I just always laughed everything away, treated it like a joke. I never thanked you for all your sacrifices, never showed you the respect you deserve. I just treated you like normal school kids, like all your pain and suffering didn't even matter. I… I simply used you as tools, nothing more. I'm a wretched person."
The most shocking thing to Asuka was how calmly Misato spoke. It wasn't a rush of emotions that let her say that about herself; rather she seemed to have accepted that as the truth. And this shocked everyone present.
The Major turned towards Shinji. "And Shinji… you in particular I can only ask for forgiveness. I should have noticed what I was doing to you. Noticed how I was destroying you. But I never did. I never faced the facts. I'm so sorry."
Nobody could really muster a reply. Finally, it was Rei who first shook off that spell. She stood up, began heating water, and took out tea.
"Sit down, Major Katsuragi," she offered Misato.
Misato visibly winced at the address, but indeed slowly, hesitantly took a seat at the table.
"I really don't know what to say at this," Asuka muttered.
"Me, neither," Shinji added.
"Shinji… I knew you in particular piloted in order to get praise," Misato told him. When Shinji seemed about to protest she shook her head and continued softly, "I don't blame you. But even though I realized… I couldn't even give you that. Not even just praise. And you all would have deserved it. You all have saved the Earth over and over again, and that at such great sacrifices… And we at NERV just look at this, nod, and then send you out into the next battle. No gratitude, no respect, no sympathy… nothing." She hesitated. "No… not 'we at NERV'. I. I did this all on my own. And I nearly destroyed you with it, Shinji. If I don't apologize now, what worth do I still have?"
The boy remained quiet. In fact, he looked sullen.
"I wasn't expecting this..." Asuka muttered. "I thought this would be about what happened recently… Akagi's stupid idea, me not going to synch-test, our recent talk… but this…"
"But I'm not wrong, am I?" Misato whispered softly.
Asuka remained silent for a while. No, Misato was not wrong. Respect. Exactly that what Asuka had fumed about in recent weeks. How indeed everyone was just taking them for granted. Asuka had trained long and hard to be the best EVA pilot in the world. All that effort, all that time invested… and everyone was just shrugging their shoulders. Nobody regarded it. Tools. NERV really didn't seem to see them any other way. Just tools to be optimized. Tools to be used against the angels. Nothing else. And Misato had always just treated this as normal as well.
Rei served everyone a cup of tea, to mumbled words of gratitude. Then Asuka spoke up. "No. No, you aren't." She hesitated. "That's why… why…"
"Yes?" Misato prompted her. She sounded eager to hear a response, any response, from her.
"When we last talked," Asuka mumbled. Admitting to having done wrong was difficult for her, but, damn it!, she had told herself to go through with this. "I didn't mean what I said about quitting. I won't quit, Misato. I am a pilot. I… sorry that I made you believe so. Deliberately so."
"There's nothing to..." Misato began, but Asuka talked over her.
"I was just so angry," Asuka vented. "It seemed you only cared that I function. That I go to the synch-tests. And I just… had it up to here. That you take me for granted. That everyone takes me for granted. Despite all that I have done."
She breathed out. "So I apologize. I shouldn't have tried to hurt you."
Misato looked down into her tea cup. "Well, it's my fault. I am your guardian. Yours and Shinji's. I should have your interests at heart. Instead, I'm giving you orders as your de facto superior in a military organization. So that you have nobody looking out for you."
Neither Shinji nor Asuka commented, while Rei had remained quiet the entire time anyway. As far as Asuka was concerned, there was nothing to say. Ever since she was six, she had known nothing else: Guardians who were little more than her handlers. She had never thought deeply about that; it was her normalcy. So what could she say now?
Finally, it was Misato who spoke up again. "But Asuka… I asked you about the synch-tests because I felt it was the only thing I could still do. I felt… feel… I don't have the right to bother you about anything. I'm not worthy as a guardian. So I asked about the synch-tests, because that was the only thing I felt I still had any right to ask you about."
Oh. That made feel Asuka stupid. She had completely misinterpreted Misato. She looked down abashed.
"So… what now?" Shinji asked. "Where do we go from here? How things currently are… it sucks. I'd like for things to just… get normal again."
"That's up to you," Misato told him softly. "If you hate me… you have ample reason to. I won't begrudge it. All of you. Rei… you aren't my ward, but you as well are a pilot, and I never showed you any respect or gratitude."
Rei remained silent, and Asuka just scoffed silently. Not just a pilot. Rei had been created as a tool.
"I can only say what I will do," Misato continued. "From now on, I will treat you with respect. Whatever your stance on me will be, I will show gratitude. I will apologize for sending you into battle. And I will always side with you, Command be damned. After all that I've done to you… I can only try whatever I can to make it up to you."
"I… I don't want to hate," Shinji mumbled. "You were the first person who was something like a friend to me, despite everything, you know? The first person who consistently treated me with some friendliness since I was four. So… you're clearly not simply a bad person, Misato. But… the things you have said here..."
"I understand," Misato said. It sounded hollow.
"And you were one of my better guardians," Asuka spoke up now. "You and Kaji, you were the best. Maybe you didn't do everything right. No, you definitely didn't. But… there are worse people than you out there. You also did a lot right. I… we should give you a chance."
"I would like that," Misato muttered. "I realize now… Shinji, maybe I only brought you into my home because I was lonely. For my sake, not yours. For that I apologize as well. So maybe I just don't want to be lonely again. Maybe I'm being selfish again. But I would like if I could be more than your Operations Director. For all of you, including you, Rei." She breathed out and for the first time sounded unsteady. In fact, her voice was downright shaky. "But if you want to cut all contacts with me, then I'll respect that as well. I'll nominally remain your guardian, Asuka, Shinji, but I'll just leave you alone then. And maybe that's better for you."
Another heavy silence followed that announcement. Rei used it to warm up water again. Finally, Shinji spoke up again. "I liked it in your apartment, Misato. I didn't like having to fight. And maybe you should have… but I did like it there. You were always so friendly, so cheerful… so don't feel bad about that detail. And… I don't want to lose you as a friend."
Asuka worked her mouth. She didn't want to, either. She wanted to be on good terms with Misato, and she appreciated her apology, but at the same time… she needed to understand. All those things Misato had apologized for, they had happened, after all. They required an explanation.
"Why?" she hence exclaimed. "So why have you never realized any of this? Why have you just thoughtlessly treated us as tools? Why have you never apologized? Why have you never thanked us? Why?" She was shouting now.
Misato looked down at the table. It seemed like her upper body could collapse any second now. "Because I was selfish. I made it easy on myself. Raising a child soldier? Nonsense, you're just a normal kid, right? Thanking you, apologizing to you… that would have destroyed the illusion. The illusion I built up for my own selfish protection. Hence also all that teasing and joking… It made it appear all so harmless. So, even though you already have the hardest part, I burdened even more crap onto you so as to make it easy on myself."
"And that damn nude synch-test attempt…?" Asuka prompted.
"Same there," Misato admitted.
"You knew we would object!" Asuka accused her. "You knew it! Hence you tried to sabotage our ability to do so! What were you thinking?"
Misato leaned her head on her arms now. "You're right. The very fact that we tried to take your away your ability to protest showed it was a big deal, but I deluded myself into thinking it wasn't. I couldn't face what we were doing – forcing three teenagers to go around naked. So… what may not be, cannot be. I deluded myself into thinking that hey, no big deal."
Asuka scoffed. There wasn't much she could say, though. What else was there to say? Misato was admitting everything, after all.
"So you won't do such things anymore?" Shinji asked.
"No," Misato confirmed. It sounded hoarse. "You tell me you don't want to do a certain thing, I'll try to make sure you don't need to. Between yourselves, you need to pilot two Evangelion units. But that's all we can ask of you. And if Akagi or Ikari try to force more out of you… I'll try what I can to stop that. From now on, you will decide what you'll do."
"Then, maybe..." Shinji began.
But apparently Misato decided she wasn't done yet. "And… Shinji? I really am sorry for having made you pilot again and again. I know I already offered you before to just leave, but that was just me deluding myself again. Of course that isn't much of an option. Just something I could use to make me feel better about myself - 'hey, he can leave after all!'. Well, from now on I'll try to keep you out of battles as much as I can. I promise."
"...oh," Shinji simply voiced.
"You wanted to say something," Rei prompted him.
Shinji smiled faintly at her, then turned to the others as well again. "Maybe… under these conditions… we can try to start over. I mean, I can't speak for the others, but I accept your apology."
Asuka felt people looking at her, obviously waiting for her answer. So finally, she muttered, "Respect, hm?"
"Yes," Misato answered. "As much as I can muster… You deserve whatever respect can be granted to you, Langley-Soryu-sama."
Asuka blinked. Japanese allowed for a wide variance in modes of address to express social standing and respect. Certainly a a wider variance than German, with its two different forms of address, or English, which only knew 'you'. And Misato had just address her in the most respectful manner still current in Japanese, even using her full double family name. Indeed, at first Asuka assumed Misato was ridiculing her - no way any Japanese adult would call a teenager that, much less a subordinate. But then she realized that, no, that was a genuine offer. Misato was ready to treat Asuka with the utmost respect. Even in fact going so far as to risk ridicule for herself for using such an address towards a teenager.
Of course, this would also be accompanied with the appropriate formal distance.
"I'd like if we could remain closer than that," Asuka told her. "But… respect. No more teasing. Nothing like that dancing gear, no stupid comments, no laughing at what we have to go through."
"It'll be hard," Misato admitted. "No more illusions for myself. Looking reality in the eye unshielded. But… it's harder still for you." She breathed out. "No more teasing."
Asuka nodded with determination. "I accept your apology as well, Misato. You… you aren't a lost cause. And maybe things can get better now." She turned towards Rei. "So what do you say?"
That seemed to surprise the blue-haired girl. "I'm not a ward of Major Katsuragi."
"But you are a pilot, Rei," Misato told her. "My offer extends to you. You can demand whatever respect from me you want. You can hate me. It would all be justified. And from now on, I will support you where I can."
It took a while until Rei answered, and when she did her voice was so soft as to be nearly inaudible. "I appreciate that. I don't hate you, Major."
"I'm glad," Misato whispered. "I really do hope this is a new start for us. And most of all… that I can set right now what I have done wrong." She smiled weakly. "And, by the way, you can call me Misato. Or if that is uncomfortable for you… you don't need to call me Major, in any case. We're not at NERV, and I'm not your actual military superior."
"Understood… Misato," Rei answered.
"I may have misjudged you," Asuka commented.
"What do you mean?" Misato asked.
"The thing with the nude test..." Asuka began to explain. "NERV gave us no sign they had any interest in our concerns or well-being at all, so we didn't even try to talk to anyone. But maybe… maybe we could have trusted you. Not as NERV officer, but well, you. Maybe we could have avoided so much escalation then. I… uh… I..."
"Don't apologize," Misato told her. "You're right – we gave you no sign we were interested in anything you had to say. Not me, either. It would be difficult to expect trust of you then. But maybe… from now on…"
Asuka turned towards Shinji and Rei. Shinji nodded. "From now on, we will try 'trust'."
Misato smiled weakly. "This… went better than I had expected. Maybe better than I deserved."
"You apologized," Shinji pointed out. "That alone makes you better than... many people." Asuka could think of some. Akagi, Fuyutsuki, Ikari... Shinji wasn't wrong "If you truly now... you know... do as you've said, then you deserve things going well for you."
Misato gave him a warm smile. "Still... If there is anything I can do to help you right now..."
The three shot glances at each other. Finally, Asuka spoke up. "Uh… there are the talks tomorrow..."
"Have you compiled a list of demands yet?" Misato asked.
"We had a sort of… emergency today," Asuka told her. "So, no."
Before Misato could answer, Rei spoke up quietly. "Maybe we should tell the… Misato what I have told you."
"Are you sure, Rei?" Shinji asked with concern in his voice.
The blue-haired girl nodded. Asuka sighed. "It's not a pretty story..."
And the three began to tell it. They let Rei take the lead. Asuka soon noticed that the blue-haired girl didn't tell Misato everything. She just vaguely alluded to having been manufactured, but didn't give any details. What she mostly talked about was how she had been raised – which after all had been the 'emergency' in the apartment.
She told it all in her usual monotonous voice and seemed entirely emotionless. She just droned on and on… which was not the norm for her anymore. Both Asuka and Shinji could feel how heavily this weighed on Rei. And they both could not do anything but help her. By the end of her story, Asuka and Shinji were sitting at her sides, very close by, and were holding her shoulder or her hand.
Misato didn't comment. She was entirely in Major mode now, treating this as a sort of professional data gathering. She kept asking small questions for clarifications and finally inquired more and more about Akagi's role.
Finally, the Major mask broke. "Gods… I knew she had gone cold, but… Ritsuko, what have you have been doing here? What happened to you?"
"Who cares?" Asuka muttered. She was rubbing Rei's back. "She has done it. I don't feel like any hearing explanations for it."
Misato sighed. "Unfortunately, we will have to keep working with her. We need the Evangelions, and I'm not sure anyone else could lead Project E. Ibuki is a nice girl and a brilliant mind, but she just lacks Akagi's expertise."
"What about Victoria… Dr Armstrong, I mean?" Asuka asked. Victoria Armstrong was the British head of NERV Germany's equivalent to Project E. "She was able to take care of EVA-02 back in Germany."
"Use of EVA-02 at the Berlin branch was very limited," Misato pointed out. "She might be able to, but… would you risk the defence of the world on that gamble?"
Asuka groaned. "So we're stuck with Akagi. But that doesn't mean we have to like her. And if she ever lays another hand on Rei..."
"I'll continue to require her medical oversight," Rei pointed out.
Shinji laid a fist on the table. "But if she ever mistreats you during her check-ups, tell us. We will..." He stopped.
"We are piloting 23,000 ton war machines," Asuka growled.
Misato furrowed her brows. "In all seriousness, Rei. If she does something bad to you, do tell me. I may have ways of dealing with that problem. And I have promised that from now on I will care more about you, the pilots, than NERV command… or my career."
"I am used to…" Rei began.
"Yes!" Asuka interrupted her. "And that's exactly the problem. You deserve better!"
"...I'll remember that," Rei promised her, and laid her head on her shoulder.
Now, Misato finally commented on that. "You three have gotten close." She sounded stony again.
Asuka wanted to tell her that yes, they had. For one thing, she still had this desire for defiance inside her, and besides, she would like to shout it out to the world that Shinji and Rei were hers – were both hers (and each other's, but all the better). But she knew she had to be careful.
Rei remained silent, while Shinji, of course, was silently sputtering in an adorable way. So it fell to Asuka to answer, and she was cautious about it. "You didn't see any of this."
Misato blinked. "What?" Then she looked down. "I see. It's none of my business. If you tell me..."
Shit. Asuka hadn't meant it that way. I've screwed it up again. "No!" she hastened to say. "I… I meant… NERV command. The rest of it. Ikari, Fuyutsuki, Akagi. They..." She was fumbling for words.
"We'd like them to know nothing about it," Rei said softly.
"I see," Misato said. "In that sense… yes, I have seen nothing here. If you want, I won't tell a single soul even the slightest hint. If you want, I'll actively lie to keep your cover."
"We would like that," Rei confirmed.
"So I won't ask as your Operations Director or as a NERV employee at all," Misato continued. "Just as the guardian of two of you. Or as your… well, hopefully friend. Somebody you have agreed to deal with. But… you three are… uh… hm."
That made Asuka chuckle. And now she had full license to boast. She looked down at Rei, who was still leaned against her shoulder. "Rei?" she asked very softly.
The girl nodded. Asuka bowed down. They kissed. It was a long and passionate kiss. Mine. She is all mine. Well, and Shinji's but hey, Shinji was hers as well. They're both mine. And it felt wonderful. Especially that there was at least one person from which they didn't need to hide the truth.
When their faces parted, Asuka had a broad grin on hers, while Rei sported one of her adorable, subtle smiles. And Misato's face surpassed Asuka's wildest expectations… a look of bewilderment, amusement and disbelief.
"And… Shinji… you're okay with that?" Misato asked.
Shinji just grinned and gently laid a hand around Rei's face. The girl now turned towards the other side. She certainly wouldn't say no to yet another kiss. Once again Asuka noted how well they seemed to fit to each other when they kissed. Two quiet, amazing people giving each other tenderness. Asuka was lucky to have them both. Lucky and extraordinarily happy.
When the two parted, they kept looking deeply in each other's eyes. Meanwhile, Asuka addressed Misato, grinning while she did so. "Does that answer your question?"
"I mean… it did look that way for a while now," Misato muttered. "That you are somehow all three together. I just couldn't believe it. I thought it would be one of those complicated love triangles you would have to sort out, eventually."
"We did," Rei stated plainly.
Misato chuckled softly. "I guess you did. A… triple relationship? I'm still not sure..."
"How this works?" Shinji suggested. "If it is a good idea?"
Misato breathed out. "I'll be honest. I do have worries. It sounds like something inexperienced teenagers would jump into without thinking it through."
"We know what we're doing!" Asuka immediately protested.
"Asuka..." Misato just said, and then sighed. "I won't stop you, if that is what you're fearing. But this is… unusual. I suppose it can work, but it will require some effort. I hope you're clear on that."
Asuka wanted to protest that as well, but Rei laid a soothing hand on her shoulder. "We are," she said. "This is what we want. Asuka makes me happy. Shinji makes me happy. They make each other happy. It is worth whatever effort it requires."
Misato smiled faintly at that. She was speaking softly now. "I see. That's good."
"So what are you going to do now?" Asuka asked, with some suspicion in her voice.
"Do?" Misato echoed. She shook her head. "I'm not going to restrict you, if that is what you're fearing. This is unusual, but… in the end, it's your decision. But… Asuka. All of you. Please be careful. And I don't just mean… physical activities. Be careful what you say and do. Be patient with each other. Don't go around breaking each other's hearts."
Huh. Hearing such serious and supportive talk from Misato was really goddamn weird to Asuka's ears.
Misato looked at her watch. "It's getting late… we, uh, really should talk about, ah, this, you know. Especially… well… I suppose you can guess what I mean."
Asuka felt heat rising inside her. Shinji's head certainly looked like a tomato now. Only Rei seemed to be unaffected.
"Do we really have to..." Shinji tried.
Misato sighed. "It won't be pleasant for me or for you, but even less pleasant if you blunder into something and screw it all up. I mean, I guess you know about the bees and the flowers…"
"No thanks to you," Asuka muttered.
Misato looked down. "That's why now we should do it better, right? But that will probably require more time than we have now. And there are those talks tomorrow. For now, we should formulate your demands."
Asuka grinned, happy about the change of topic. "Aren't you on the other side?"
Misato looked her right in the face. "Only formally."
6.3k words without scene switch. Dear lord. An entire chapter without scene switches. The Misato talk simply positively exploded while I was writing it. Well, talking everything through isn't bad, of course. So much communication is almost an abomination in the NGE 'verse
But with really everything talked through, now maybe they really can put their relationship on a new, healthier foundation.
Of course, 'Victoria Armstrong' is another naval-related pun/reference, but this time really, really obscure and around the corner. And no, it has nothing to do with being not amused or nano-machines, son. Brits with knowledge of WW2 trivia may be able to decipher it, maybe...
So Rei was manufactured… Asuka was still not comfortable with that thought. It didn't sour Rei for her, but… Who would do such a thing? Manufacture a person? NERV, or maybe NERV Japan, seemed to be even worse than Asuka had assumed. In a way, this only reconfirmed her commitment to Rei. She might be a clone, and others might have treated her as a tool, but to Asuka, she was her love. One of her loves. No matter what the world thought – she would defy the whole world for Rei's sake, if need be.
Asuka knew she should prepare a list of demands and positions for the next round of negotiations that would start the next day… but Rei took precedence. The two girls and Shinji were sitting in the living room, closely huddled together. The outside world was forgotten for now. All three were caught in Rei's life story… a story of misery and loneliness. It was hard on them all.
Rei talked about her first years. Growing up in a room with no barren concrete walls, mechanical devices all around, a dirty, industrial room. No wonder her apartment was like that… Rei told them how normal this had been for her. How comfortably familiar, even.
"Did you choose your apartment then?" Asuka asked softly.
Rei shook her head. "It was assigned to me. But I liked it. It felt familiar. Less troublesome than the outside world. Before I learned to appreciate that outside world. Before I met you two."
Rei told her how she had barely any human contact at all. Only the Commander and the Vice Commander would come see her, and that infrequently. How she had always looked forward to those rare moments, and how Ikari especially had become associated in her mind with hope and human contact and even friendliness. Asuka was appalled. Conditioning, pure and simple. She was furious in fact, but for now she just held Rei and listened to her.
It was hence quite unusual when she was introduced to two other people for the first time: Naoko and Ritsuko Akagi. The Commander had spoken about them at length before their first visit, especially about Naoko. So when Rei approached Naoko on her own, she naturally repeated his words… and Naoko killed her for it. And that was when things changed.
Asuka couldn't believe what Rei said next. Or no, she did believe, she trusted Rei after all, but she would have liked not to believe. Rei's soul was split. Only half her soul was transferred into a new body, the body she and Shinji had first met. The other half had somehow been put into EVA-00 – her anger, her resentment, her spite. That all had resided in the Evangelion. Somehow.
What was left of Rei was hardly there at all. That was how the blue-haired girl described it. A feeling of only being half present in the world – which was the literal truth, actually. No appreciation of sights, foods or music. No spirit to resist what was being done to her. Only the barest and most primal conception of human warmth.
"And yet, you two broke through to me," she whispered softly.
At this point, Akagi was began to take care of her. She became part of Ikari's plan for Rei. Just like Ikari, she only saw her infrequently, and when she did, it was for invasive medical checks, orders or harsh words. She's involved in this all… And she knew about Rei's half in EVA-00. Actively used that fact.
Rei had had nothing. No feelings, no connection to humans, no warmth. That was why she had leaped at the chance to pilot. She hadn't just been ordered, it had been her will. Asuka could understand that, of course. She knew how it was to depend on EVA to have anything at all. Still, she thought this appalling and… perverse. Rei had jumped at the chance to pilot for Ikari because of the conditions Ikari had created for her.
Ikari had kept her in sensory deprivation so that only his short visits would become points of light for her, so that she would do anything to get any sort of human contact. What sort of human being is the Commander?
So Rei had gone through it all without complaints. The rigid schedule. Obeying orders without question. The pains of the activation test. Constantly struggling with the version of herself inside EVA-00. Because piloting EVA was all she had had.
...She's just like me.
And throughout all that Rei had considered herself nothing more than a tool. Created by the Commander for a purpose. Only important as a means to fulfill his aims. A tool that just happened to have a human form, and human thoughts, emotions and desires.
"If that Rei saw me now, she would be appalled," Rei whispered. She was now half-sitting, half lying between Asuka's legs, her body leaned against her chest. Asuka was stroking her hair, while Shinji held her hand. "For having allowed my emotions to overcome me. That is exactly what happened."
"And that's good!" Asuka insisted. Fuck the Commander. Fuck him. A deep, abiding rage was boiling inside her, but for now she focused on comforting Rei.
"Everyone… everyone who feels and thinks like a human being is a human being," Shinji opined. He smiled at her. "I mean… you… must be one. Would Asuka and I fall in love with a tool?"
From over Rei's head, Asuka could see how her cheeks coloured. You're the best, Shinji. The blue-haired girl finally answered, "I know now that I am not a tool. You two already have convinced me. The conceptions of duty I held can't compare to what I'm feeling now."
She came to the end of her tale. How she met Shinji and was surprised that someone, anyone would show her such warmth. How she met Asuka and how the redhead turned her world on its head. How she died against Bardiel, how she came back to life, and how she was sorted out by Leliel.
"You… talked to the angel?" Asuka asked.
Rei nodded, something that Asuka more felt at her chest then that she saw it. "It meant well. It just wanted to understand. And it helped me to understand."
"So even among the angels attacking us… not all are enemies?" Asuka asked.
"I don't know," Rei stated.
"They wouldn't attack if they weren't our enemies," Shinji stated sullenly.
Shit. My big mouth. After what had happened last fight, of course Shinji wouldn't give angels the benefit of the doubt.
Shinji breathed out, and then look down at the ground. "I… I can't believe… my father! He did that all!"
Rei sat upright again between Asuka's legs and grabbed Shinji's shoulders. "You're not him."
"I know," Shinji almost snapped. "But… you're telling this so calmly… after all he's done to you… don't you hate him?"
"Hate…?" Rei whispered. She seemed conflicted about this. "Should I hate him?"
"If somebody locked me in a dirty room for years with no sunlight or human contact… I'd hate them!" Asuka stated with certainty. And to do that to Rei… She did hate Ikari now.
"I know I do…" Shinji muttered angrily. "My father… how could he do this? And I thought… I thought what he did to me was bad!"
"The Commander..." Rei began hesitantly.
She had both her partners' attention. "Yes, Rei?" Asuka prompted him.
"I've never seen him in such terms," Rei admitted. "He's just the Commander. A fact of life."Asuka scoffed. "Do I hate him?" Rei muttered. She seemed unsure.
"Well, I do," Asuka now admitted. She became quite forceful. "The thought of… of anyone doing this to you… I love you Rei. And I… I can't accept that anyone has done this to you!"
Meanwhile, Shinji's body was all rigid. He seemed too tense to even only speak. Finally, Rei spoke up again, "I don't know how I feel about the Commander and his… plans. I'm just glad that this all is in the past for me."
"It is," Asuka confirmed softly and wrapped Rei into a tight embrace.
However, Shinji still seemed to be lost in his own thoughts. "Damn my father," he muttered. "Damn him, damn him, damn him. How could I ever… could I ever want praise from such a person?"
Both girls looked at him from their embrace. Rei spoke up, "Shinji?"
"He's dead to me," Shinji declared icily. "Only… only you two matter. He's… what's between us is just genetics. Not family. You two are family."
Both Asuka and Rei now straightened up a bit, to drew Shinji into their embrace. The boy, who had thus far knelt upright, nearly fell over, but the two caught him.
"We'll take care of Rei," Asuka promised him. "And we'll look into the future together. Without fathers or Commanders or Vice-Commanders."
It took the whole day before any of them could speak or even only think about anything else. A day mostly spend cuddled up, each of them clinging to the others, as if they were each other's shield against a harsh and brutal world outside – a world in which people could create girls like Rei as tools and get away with it.
So in the afternoon, Asuka was kind of shocked when Shinji declared he would go out shopping for groceries. He, of all people? It would be the first time in a week that he left the apartment. She thought about accompanying him, but that would mean leaving Rei behind. And all three of them going was made impossible by the need to keep their relationship a secret. And while Asuka was still fretting about what to do, Shinji simply left the apartment.
A bit more than an hour later, both she and Rei basically leaped at him when he came home. Both had been worried, and that apparently with good reason: Shinji was sweating and shaking. They gently led him to the kitchen.
"I… I thought I was ready…" he reported with shaking voice. "I mean… I know we're together now, but… out there… I began doubting again. Fearing. Thinking..."
"We know," Rei whispered to him. Both girls had their arms around him.
Shock therapy. Not always the best course of action…
It soon became apparent why Shinji had burdened himself with this journey: He had bought very high-quality ingredients. Delicacies. And as soon as he had calmed down, he began cooking. A vegetarian meal. It was clear he wanted to show to Rei how much she meant to them. That she did deserve all the best in the world. Realizing that, Asuka could have just taken him and… but he was busy cooking of course.
After the meal, after they had washed the dishes and cleaned the table, Asuka dared for the first time to ask a question that had been in the back of her mind the whole day, but had been too buried by concern for Rei to be voiced. "Rei… you mentioned souls. A part of you inside Evangelion Unit 00. I don't understand."
"Souls are that part within every being which creates the AT Field," Rei explained. "The AT Fields in turn separate the souls from each other and thus ensure that individuals are in fact distinct individuals. Souls are the centre of your individuality, your 'selfness'. Metaphysical Biology is the study of souls."
"The subject my father studied," Shinji muttered. "And my mother as well."
Huh. "My mother as well," Asuka breathed. That coincidence was odd enough, but there was more of course. Questions regarding the nature of Evangelions. Asuka was almost afraid to keep on asking. After all, she had worked with EVA-02 for eight years now, and it had become a core of her identity. "Are you… are you saying…."
There was a sound coming from the door. Saved by the bell. Asuka rushed towards the door and opened it. Misato was standing outside, wearing her best 'Major' mask.
"Can I come in, Asuka?" Misato asked. "We really need to talk. All of us."
"Wait, please," Asuka told her. She walked back into the kitchen and explained, "It's Misato. She wants to talk. Maybe we should?"
"You were telling us something, Rei," Shinji spoke up.
"It's alright," Rei said. "It can wait. Let's hear the Major."
Asuka nodded and then called over to the door, "Come in, Misato".
Misato did so. After she had taken off her shoes, she entered the kitchen. A grave silence lasted in the room. The Major looked each of the pilots in the face.
"Asuka… Shinji… Rei… I'm sorry." And then she bowed deeply.
Asuka was stunned. Sure, Misato had made mistakes. And she had fully intended to point them out to her. But that Misato would start with an apology… and then such a formal one… Asuka knew how much this was worth in Japanese society – especially from a superior to subordinates.
"Misato..." she just stammered.
Misato stood up straight again, and looked at each of the pilots in turn. "Rei, I apologize as your Operations Director. Shinji, I apologize as your Operations Director and current guardian. And Asuka…" She breathed out. "I apologize as your Operations Director, as your current guardian, and as your former guardian. I have failed you all."
"But… Misato…" Shinji protested.
"Asuka… I've read your file," Misato began to explain. "I knew you were cast off by your father to NERV. And I knew what we, NERV, did. Always pushing you. Always just looking at your synch-rate. Throwing your childhood away. I knew all this… and brushed it aside. We didn't see you as a child to take care of, but as a tool. We didn't raise a child, but a pilot. I did as well. And I have only now realized how awful this was. I can only ask forgiveness."
"That's not… that's not how..." Asuka tried to protest, but couldn't find the right words. Her childhood hadn't been "thrown away". She had been given purpose. She was an EVA pilot now, part of the elite. Surely that meant her childhood had been spent well!
...and yet, it wasn't entirely wrong that many of her guardians had in fact seen nothing else in her, and had always just looked at her synch-rate…
"And now here in Japan," Misato continued, "I sent you all into battle. I sent children to face alien abominations in life and death battles. I saw and heard how you suffered, and then simply sent you into the next battle. And while this may all have been necessary because of the angels… I just took it for granted. What I did was terrible, but I never apologized. Never told you you should have it better than this. Never even showed sympathy. Instead I just always laughed everything away, treated it like a joke. I never thanked you for all your sacrifices, never showed you the respect you deserve. I just treated you like normal school kids, like all your pain and suffering didn't even matter. I… I simply used you as tools, nothing more. I'm a wretched person."
The most shocking thing to Asuka was how calmly Misato spoke. It wasn't a rush of emotions that let her say that about herself; rather she seemed to have accepted that as the truth. And this shocked everyone present.
The Major turned towards Shinji. "And Shinji… you in particular I can only ask for forgiveness. I should have noticed what I was doing to you. Noticed how I was destroying you. But I never did. I never faced the facts. I'm so sorry."
Nobody could really muster a reply. Finally, it was Rei who first shook off that spell. She stood up, began heating water, and took out tea.
"Sit down, Major Katsuragi," she offered Misato.
Misato visibly winced at the address, but indeed slowly, hesitantly took a seat at the table.
"I really don't know what to say at this," Asuka muttered.
"Me, neither," Shinji added.
"Shinji… I knew you in particular piloted in order to get praise," Misato told him. When Shinji seemed about to protest she shook her head and continued softly, "I don't blame you. But even though I realized… I couldn't even give you that. Not even just praise. And you all would have deserved it. You all have saved the Earth over and over again, and that at such great sacrifices… And we at NERV just look at this, nod, and then send you out into the next battle. No gratitude, no respect, no sympathy… nothing." She hesitated. "No… not 'we at NERV'. I. I did this all on my own. And I nearly destroyed you with it, Shinji. If I don't apologize now, what worth do I still have?"
The boy remained quiet. In fact, he looked sullen.
"I wasn't expecting this..." Asuka muttered. "I thought this would be about what happened recently… Akagi's stupid idea, me not going to synch-test, our recent talk… but this…"
"But I'm not wrong, am I?" Misato whispered softly.
Asuka remained silent for a while. No, Misato was not wrong. Respect. Exactly that what Asuka had fumed about in recent weeks. How indeed everyone was just taking them for granted. Asuka had trained long and hard to be the best EVA pilot in the world. All that effort, all that time invested… and everyone was just shrugging their shoulders. Nobody regarded it. Tools. NERV really didn't seem to see them any other way. Just tools to be optimized. Tools to be used against the angels. Nothing else. And Misato had always just treated this as normal as well.
Rei served everyone a cup of tea, to mumbled words of gratitude. Then Asuka spoke up. "No. No, you aren't." She hesitated. "That's why… why…"
"Yes?" Misato prompted her. She sounded eager to hear a response, any response, from her.
"When we last talked," Asuka mumbled. Admitting to having done wrong was difficult for her, but, damn it!, she had told herself to go through with this. "I didn't mean what I said about quitting. I won't quit, Misato. I am a pilot. I… sorry that I made you believe so. Deliberately so."
"There's nothing to..." Misato began, but Asuka talked over her.
"I was just so angry," Asuka vented. "It seemed you only cared that I function. That I go to the synch-tests. And I just… had it up to here. That you take me for granted. That everyone takes me for granted. Despite all that I have done."
She breathed out. "So I apologize. I shouldn't have tried to hurt you."
Misato looked down into her tea cup. "Well, it's my fault. I am your guardian. Yours and Shinji's. I should have your interests at heart. Instead, I'm giving you orders as your de facto superior in a military organization. So that you have nobody looking out for you."
Neither Shinji nor Asuka commented, while Rei had remained quiet the entire time anyway. As far as Asuka was concerned, there was nothing to say. Ever since she was six, she had known nothing else: Guardians who were little more than her handlers. She had never thought deeply about that; it was her normalcy. So what could she say now?
Finally, it was Misato who spoke up again. "But Asuka… I asked you about the synch-tests because I felt it was the only thing I could still do. I felt… feel… I don't have the right to bother you about anything. I'm not worthy as a guardian. So I asked about the synch-tests, because that was the only thing I felt I still had any right to ask you about."
Oh. That made feel Asuka stupid. She had completely misinterpreted Misato. She looked down abashed.
"So… what now?" Shinji asked. "Where do we go from here? How things currently are… it sucks. I'd like for things to just… get normal again."
"That's up to you," Misato told him softly. "If you hate me… you have ample reason to. I won't begrudge it. All of you. Rei… you aren't my ward, but you as well are a pilot, and I never showed you any respect or gratitude."
Rei remained silent, and Asuka just scoffed silently. Not just a pilot. Rei had been created as a tool.
"I can only say what I will do," Misato continued. "From now on, I will treat you with respect. Whatever your stance on me will be, I will show gratitude. I will apologize for sending you into battle. And I will always side with you, Command be damned. After all that I've done to you… I can only try whatever I can to make it up to you."
"I… I don't want to hate," Shinji mumbled. "You were the first person who was something like a friend to me, despite everything, you know? The first person who consistently treated me with some friendliness since I was four. So… you're clearly not simply a bad person, Misato. But… the things you have said here..."
"I understand," Misato said. It sounded hollow.
"And you were one of my better guardians," Asuka spoke up now. "You and Kaji, you were the best. Maybe you didn't do everything right. No, you definitely didn't. But… there are worse people than you out there. You also did a lot right. I… we should give you a chance."
"I would like that," Misato muttered. "I realize now… Shinji, maybe I only brought you into my home because I was lonely. For my sake, not yours. For that I apologize as well. So maybe I just don't want to be lonely again. Maybe I'm being selfish again. But I would like if I could be more than your Operations Director. For all of you, including you, Rei." She breathed out and for the first time sounded unsteady. In fact, her voice was downright shaky. "But if you want to cut all contacts with me, then I'll respect that as well. I'll nominally remain your guardian, Asuka, Shinji, but I'll just leave you alone then. And maybe that's better for you."
Another heavy silence followed that announcement. Rei used it to warm up water again. Finally, Shinji spoke up again. "I liked it in your apartment, Misato. I didn't like having to fight. And maybe you should have… but I did like it there. You were always so friendly, so cheerful… so don't feel bad about that detail. And… I don't want to lose you as a friend."
Asuka worked her mouth. She didn't want to, either. She wanted to be on good terms with Misato, and she appreciated her apology, but at the same time… she needed to understand. All those things Misato had apologized for, they had happened, after all. They required an explanation.
"Why?" she hence exclaimed. "So why have you never realized any of this? Why have you just thoughtlessly treated us as tools? Why have you never apologized? Why have you never thanked us? Why?" She was shouting now.
Misato looked down at the table. It seemed like her upper body could collapse any second now. "Because I was selfish. I made it easy on myself. Raising a child soldier? Nonsense, you're just a normal kid, right? Thanking you, apologizing to you… that would have destroyed the illusion. The illusion I built up for my own selfish protection. Hence also all that teasing and joking… It made it appear all so harmless. So, even though you already have the hardest part, I burdened even more crap onto you so as to make it easy on myself."
"And that damn nude synch-test attempt…?" Asuka prompted.
"Same there," Misato admitted.
"You knew we would object!" Asuka accused her. "You knew it! Hence you tried to sabotage our ability to do so! What were you thinking?"
Misato leaned her head on her arms now. "You're right. The very fact that we tried to take your away your ability to protest showed it was a big deal, but I deluded myself into thinking it wasn't. I couldn't face what we were doing – forcing three teenagers to go around naked. So… what may not be, cannot be. I deluded myself into thinking that hey, no big deal."
Asuka scoffed. There wasn't much she could say, though. What else was there to say? Misato was admitting everything, after all.
"So you won't do such things anymore?" Shinji asked.
"No," Misato confirmed. It sounded hoarse. "You tell me you don't want to do a certain thing, I'll try to make sure you don't need to. Between yourselves, you need to pilot two Evangelion units. But that's all we can ask of you. And if Akagi or Ikari try to force more out of you… I'll try what I can to stop that. From now on, you will decide what you'll do."
"Then, maybe..." Shinji began.
But apparently Misato decided she wasn't done yet. "And… Shinji? I really am sorry for having made you pilot again and again. I know I already offered you before to just leave, but that was just me deluding myself again. Of course that isn't much of an option. Just something I could use to make me feel better about myself - 'hey, he can leave after all!'. Well, from now on I'll try to keep you out of battles as much as I can. I promise."
"...oh," Shinji simply voiced.
"You wanted to say something," Rei prompted him.
Shinji smiled faintly at her, then turned to the others as well again. "Maybe… under these conditions… we can try to start over. I mean, I can't speak for the others, but I accept your apology."
Asuka felt people looking at her, obviously waiting for her answer. So finally, she muttered, "Respect, hm?"
"Yes," Misato answered. "As much as I can muster… You deserve whatever respect can be granted to you, Langley-Soryu-sama."
Asuka blinked. Japanese allowed for a wide variance in modes of address to express social standing and respect. Certainly a a wider variance than German, with its two different forms of address, or English, which only knew 'you'. And Misato had just address her in the most respectful manner still current in Japanese, even using her full double family name. Indeed, at first Asuka assumed Misato was ridiculing her - no way any Japanese adult would call a teenager that, much less a subordinate. But then she realized that, no, that was a genuine offer. Misato was ready to treat Asuka with the utmost respect. Even in fact going so far as to risk ridicule for herself for using such an address towards a teenager.
Of course, this would also be accompanied with the appropriate formal distance.
"I'd like if we could remain closer than that," Asuka told her. "But… respect. No more teasing. Nothing like that dancing gear, no stupid comments, no laughing at what we have to go through."
"It'll be hard," Misato admitted. "No more illusions for myself. Looking reality in the eye unshielded. But… it's harder still for you." She breathed out. "No more teasing."
Asuka nodded with determination. "I accept your apology as well, Misato. You… you aren't a lost cause. And maybe things can get better now." She turned towards Rei. "So what do you say?"
That seemed to surprise the blue-haired girl. "I'm not a ward of Major Katsuragi."
"But you are a pilot, Rei," Misato told her. "My offer extends to you. You can demand whatever respect from me you want. You can hate me. It would all be justified. And from now on, I will support you where I can."
It took a while until Rei answered, and when she did her voice was so soft as to be nearly inaudible. "I appreciate that. I don't hate you, Major."
"I'm glad," Misato whispered. "I really do hope this is a new start for us. And most of all… that I can set right now what I have done wrong." She smiled weakly. "And, by the way, you can call me Misato. Or if that is uncomfortable for you… you don't need to call me Major, in any case. We're not at NERV, and I'm not your actual military superior."
"Understood… Misato," Rei answered.
"I may have misjudged you," Asuka commented.
"What do you mean?" Misato asked.
"The thing with the nude test..." Asuka began to explain. "NERV gave us no sign they had any interest in our concerns or well-being at all, so we didn't even try to talk to anyone. But maybe… maybe we could have trusted you. Not as NERV officer, but well, you. Maybe we could have avoided so much escalation then. I… uh… I..."
"Don't apologize," Misato told her. "You're right – we gave you no sign we were interested in anything you had to say. Not me, either. It would be difficult to expect trust of you then. But maybe… from now on…"
Asuka turned towards Shinji and Rei. Shinji nodded. "From now on, we will try 'trust'."
Misato smiled weakly. "This… went better than I had expected. Maybe better than I deserved."
"You apologized," Shinji pointed out. "That alone makes you better than... many people." Asuka could think of some. Akagi, Fuyutsuki, Ikari... Shinji wasn't wrong "If you truly now... you know... do as you've said, then you deserve things going well for you."
Misato gave him a warm smile. "Still... If there is anything I can do to help you right now..."
The three shot glances at each other. Finally, Asuka spoke up. "Uh… there are the talks tomorrow..."
"Have you compiled a list of demands yet?" Misato asked.
"We had a sort of… emergency today," Asuka told her. "So, no."
Before Misato could answer, Rei spoke up quietly. "Maybe we should tell the… Misato what I have told you."
"Are you sure, Rei?" Shinji asked with concern in his voice.
The blue-haired girl nodded. Asuka sighed. "It's not a pretty story..."
And the three began to tell it. They let Rei take the lead. Asuka soon noticed that the blue-haired girl didn't tell Misato everything. She just vaguely alluded to having been manufactured, but didn't give any details. What she mostly talked about was how she had been raised – which after all had been the 'emergency' in the apartment.
She told it all in her usual monotonous voice and seemed entirely emotionless. She just droned on and on… which was not the norm for her anymore. Both Asuka and Shinji could feel how heavily this weighed on Rei. And they both could not do anything but help her. By the end of her story, Asuka and Shinji were sitting at her sides, very close by, and were holding her shoulder or her hand.
Misato didn't comment. She was entirely in Major mode now, treating this as a sort of professional data gathering. She kept asking small questions for clarifications and finally inquired more and more about Akagi's role.
Finally, the Major mask broke. "Gods… I knew she had gone cold, but… Ritsuko, what have you have been doing here? What happened to you?"
"Who cares?" Asuka muttered. She was rubbing Rei's back. "She has done it. I don't feel like any hearing explanations for it."
Misato sighed. "Unfortunately, we will have to keep working with her. We need the Evangelions, and I'm not sure anyone else could lead Project E. Ibuki is a nice girl and a brilliant mind, but she just lacks Akagi's expertise."
"What about Victoria… Dr Armstrong, I mean?" Asuka asked. Victoria Armstrong was the British head of NERV Germany's equivalent to Project E. "She was able to take care of EVA-02 back in Germany."
"Use of EVA-02 at the Berlin branch was very limited," Misato pointed out. "She might be able to, but… would you risk the defence of the world on that gamble?"
Asuka groaned. "So we're stuck with Akagi. But that doesn't mean we have to like her. And if she ever lays another hand on Rei..."
"I'll continue to require her medical oversight," Rei pointed out.
Shinji laid a fist on the table. "But if she ever mistreats you during her check-ups, tell us. We will..." He stopped.
"We are piloting 23,000 ton war machines," Asuka growled.
Misato furrowed her brows. "In all seriousness, Rei. If she does something bad to you, do tell me. I may have ways of dealing with that problem. And I have promised that from now on I will care more about you, the pilots, than NERV command… or my career."
"I am used to…" Rei began.
"Yes!" Asuka interrupted her. "And that's exactly the problem. You deserve better!"
"...I'll remember that," Rei promised her, and laid her head on her shoulder.
Now, Misato finally commented on that. "You three have gotten close." She sounded stony again.
Asuka wanted to tell her that yes, they had. For one thing, she still had this desire for defiance inside her, and besides, she would like to shout it out to the world that Shinji and Rei were hers – were both hers (and each other's, but all the better). But she knew she had to be careful.
Rei remained silent, while Shinji, of course, was silently sputtering in an adorable way. So it fell to Asuka to answer, and she was cautious about it. "You didn't see any of this."
Misato blinked. "What?" Then she looked down. "I see. It's none of my business. If you tell me..."
Shit. Asuka hadn't meant it that way. I've screwed it up again. "No!" she hastened to say. "I… I meant… NERV command. The rest of it. Ikari, Fuyutsuki, Akagi. They..." She was fumbling for words.
"We'd like them to know nothing about it," Rei said softly.
"I see," Misato said. "In that sense… yes, I have seen nothing here. If you want, I won't tell a single soul even the slightest hint. If you want, I'll actively lie to keep your cover."
"We would like that," Rei confirmed.
"So I won't ask as your Operations Director or as a NERV employee at all," Misato continued. "Just as the guardian of two of you. Or as your… well, hopefully friend. Somebody you have agreed to deal with. But… you three are… uh… hm."
That made Asuka chuckle. And now she had full license to boast. She looked down at Rei, who was still leaned against her shoulder. "Rei?" she asked very softly.
The girl nodded. Asuka bowed down. They kissed. It was a long and passionate kiss. Mine. She is all mine. Well, and Shinji's but hey, Shinji was hers as well. They're both mine. And it felt wonderful. Especially that there was at least one person from which they didn't need to hide the truth.
When their faces parted, Asuka had a broad grin on hers, while Rei sported one of her adorable, subtle smiles. And Misato's face surpassed Asuka's wildest expectations… a look of bewilderment, amusement and disbelief.
"And… Shinji… you're okay with that?" Misato asked.
Shinji just grinned and gently laid a hand around Rei's face. The girl now turned towards the other side. She certainly wouldn't say no to yet another kiss. Once again Asuka noted how well they seemed to fit to each other when they kissed. Two quiet, amazing people giving each other tenderness. Asuka was lucky to have them both. Lucky and extraordinarily happy.
When the two parted, they kept looking deeply in each other's eyes. Meanwhile, Asuka addressed Misato, grinning while she did so. "Does that answer your question?"
"I mean… it did look that way for a while now," Misato muttered. "That you are somehow all three together. I just couldn't believe it. I thought it would be one of those complicated love triangles you would have to sort out, eventually."
"We did," Rei stated plainly.
Misato chuckled softly. "I guess you did. A… triple relationship? I'm still not sure..."
"How this works?" Shinji suggested. "If it is a good idea?"
Misato breathed out. "I'll be honest. I do have worries. It sounds like something inexperienced teenagers would jump into without thinking it through."
"We know what we're doing!" Asuka immediately protested.
"Asuka..." Misato just said, and then sighed. "I won't stop you, if that is what you're fearing. But this is… unusual. I suppose it can work, but it will require some effort. I hope you're clear on that."
Asuka wanted to protest that as well, but Rei laid a soothing hand on her shoulder. "We are," she said. "This is what we want. Asuka makes me happy. Shinji makes me happy. They make each other happy. It is worth whatever effort it requires."
Misato smiled faintly at that. She was speaking softly now. "I see. That's good."
"So what are you going to do now?" Asuka asked, with some suspicion in her voice.
"Do?" Misato echoed. She shook her head. "I'm not going to restrict you, if that is what you're fearing. This is unusual, but… in the end, it's your decision. But… Asuka. All of you. Please be careful. And I don't just mean… physical activities. Be careful what you say and do. Be patient with each other. Don't go around breaking each other's hearts."
Huh. Hearing such serious and supportive talk from Misato was really goddamn weird to Asuka's ears.
Misato looked at her watch. "It's getting late… we, uh, really should talk about, ah, this, you know. Especially… well… I suppose you can guess what I mean."
Asuka felt heat rising inside her. Shinji's head certainly looked like a tomato now. Only Rei seemed to be unaffected.
"Do we really have to..." Shinji tried.
Misato sighed. "It won't be pleasant for me or for you, but even less pleasant if you blunder into something and screw it all up. I mean, I guess you know about the bees and the flowers…"
"No thanks to you," Asuka muttered.
Misato looked down. "That's why now we should do it better, right? But that will probably require more time than we have now. And there are those talks tomorrow. For now, we should formulate your demands."
Asuka grinned, happy about the change of topic. "Aren't you on the other side?"
Misato looked her right in the face. "Only formally."
6.3k words without scene switch. Dear lord. An entire chapter without scene switches. The Misato talk simply positively exploded while I was writing it. Well, talking everything through isn't bad, of course. So much communication is almost an abomination in the NGE 'verse
But with really everything talked through, now maybe they really can put their relationship on a new, healthier foundation.Of course, 'Victoria Armstrong' is another naval-related pun/reference, but this time really, really obscure and around the corner. And no, it has nothing to do with being not amused or nano-machines, son.
Brits with knowledge of WW2 trivia may be able to decipher it, maybe...
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) , and in the omake Asuka falls into a coma, and Shinji basically revives NERV in order to get her back, even going as far as exploiting Rei, his other former love, in medical experiments etc, for that goal.