Do you think Shade is Cool?

  • I think he is frosty

  • What a chilling pun

  • Chillrend to the chest!

  • Freeze and don't you make a pun!

  • I have no mouth and I must I-scream


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Chapter Twenty-Five - Fort Amol - 30th of Last Seed - Umbra
Chapter Twenty-Five - Fort Amol - 30th of Last Seed - Umbra

Someone had taken a page out of a gory horror book to craft the interior of Fort Amol with the blood and the entrails of the dead conjurers. Most of the conjurers hadn't died in their sleep, but through atrocious pain as their faces foretold, all neatly sawed off their headless bodies and stuck with nails to the doors.

"I'm waiting in the courtyard," I said after viewing nothing but the main entrance, my breathing uneven as the stench of rotting flesh was overpowering, and second only to the smell of blood. My steps brought me outside just in time to heave on the ground. I stumbled further away, the morning sky clear of clouds as I came to a halt beneath the altar of Julianos, propped up on a stone slab right in front of the entrance. The thick rain had made it near-impossible to see, and perhaps that had been our saving grace from whatever madness that vampire would have bestowed upon us.

"Julianos," I hissed out as my fingers clutched upon the sides of the perfect ebony pyramid that composed its shrine, "you're heavy," I continued as I actually managed to pry the small pyramid off, clutching it with both of my arms. "I'd like some sense and logic in this world, Julianos," I whispered to the pyramid. "Any form of sense and logic would be welcomed," I added, tightening my grasp on the pyramid.

The wind picked up gently, the last batch of warm breeze flowing freely through the courtyard as Summer would soon end, to be replaced with what passed for Autumn around these parts, but would definitely feel like the deepest of Winters for me.

Half an hour later, but to me it was an eternity, the main entrance opened to reveal the trio of green-faced members of the fellowship of Umbra, having returned from their glorious task of corpse-looting.

"The fools did the black sacrament," Ralvas spoke as they neared, "and then they decided not to pay. In Skyrim, the Black Brotherhood still holds strength it seems," he continued while shaking his head and massaging his beard. "It is foolishness to the highest degree. If you wish for someone to die, kill him yourself and grow stronger from the deed. Don't take the weak way of letting someone else kill your target for you."

"What are you doing with that weight?" Berry asked as I stood up, still holding on to the shrine of Julianos.

"I'm bringing it with me," I replied nonchalantly. "I'll find him a better place to rest than an abandoned fort."

"Is this the same thing as the pet rock?" Ralvas asked. "You might have convinced Tsavi that a pet rock was a perfectly normal pet to have, but it will not work on-"

"Its weight is a challenge for my back," I said quite calmly, making Ralvas pause.

"You did not need to convince me. I am not the one carrying it," Ralvas said with a small chuckle. "We can leave this place," he added, starting to walk out through the main gate.

"Aren't we taking the horses?" I replied nonchalantly, gesturing towards the stables where the animals stood, their long faces halfway buried into the haystacks near them.

Ralvas said absolutely nothing as he kept walking.

"Well, fine," I muttered as I began to resolutely march towards the stable. "Come along, Fury!" I said as I stopped right in front of the black furred horse, who neighed and trotted out to stop by my side. I calmly saddled the creature, grabbing a few more straps to ensure the shrine of Julianos wouldn't fall from the horse's saddle as I climbed up in turn, coming to a rest atop a horse for the first time in years.

"Now," I said quite calmly, tugging gently the reins to the left, "Let's go show the world what we can achieve."

Fury neighed in turn, only for another horse to neigh in turn, Berry already on it. "I pity the horse stuck with you on its back," she said. "Come on," she kicked the flanks of her ride, and as it broke off in a slow trot, Fury instead sank its head down in the nearby haystack, grabbing a last mouthful of hay for the road.

"And off we go in turn," I replied, Fury trotting along as I patted the horse's neck, letting it come to a gentle gait by Sharrum's side, Ralvas already back on the orc's shoulders. The woods of Skyrim remained as thick as ever, but this time a stream seemed to pass by our left. The silence was broken after a few minutes, during which I realized that Ralvas was now at my same height, if only due to him piggybacking on Sharrum's shoulders.

"So you don't know how to a horse," I said.

Ralvas huffed, "It is inconsequential. I can bring down the very power of storms upon my foes."

"And yet you can't ride a horse," I cheerfully remarked. "Shouldn't you challenge yourself and try?"

Ralvas rolled his eyes, "Why would I? It would only render me lazy."

Sharrum snorted, and as Ralvas narrowed his eyes and looked down, the orc chuckled. "Brother is mighty in the arcane arts, but terrified by any movement not meant to be the back of a carriage. Be it the back of a horse or a ship, if he cannot control it himself then it is the one thing he fears the most."

"If we want to reach Ivarstead we should start going west," Berry said, "We're right next to Darkwater River." The cobblestone path that we trudged upon didn't seem to have any splits on the road, but if Berry was suggesting to simply charge into the thick undergrowth with our horses beneath us, then she was more than welcome to open the charge. I would let the bushes full of berries survive another day while looking for a point where the road forked further ahead.

"We are?" Ralvas asked, before quickly pulling out from his backpack his map, his brows furrowed, "We overshot while trying to run away from the Stormcloak patrols," he said crisply. "Since this is the case, and Darkwater Crossing is close by, you two will continue on horseback towards Ivarstead, climb the seven thousand steps, and then meet us back at Ivarstead's Inn once you're done."

I stared at the Dunmer, "you do know that Willow will...ah, yes, right, that's what you're hoping for, aren't you," I muttered under my breath. "There are trolls up in the mountains, Ralvas. You can't expect us to manage against a troll."

"Use fire, copious amounts of it," Ralvas replied undaunted, "My apprentice knows how," he continued. "We'll try to recover what was lost at the crossing," he looked straight up at me, "You will have to put your trust in the fact that I seek to only bring you back to how you were before all of this happened, Umbra."

"It's not that I don't trust you. It's that I don't trust ourselves from getting neck-deep into danger," I said, only for the Dunmer to scoff.

"Oh, but knowing yourself, Umbra, you'll get ear-deep into danger, willingly. That's why I'm letting you go together with my apprentice. You have yet to kill someone in cold blood too, so if you get the chance, do kill a sleeping bandit by the road or something like that. Drag his body in a ditch and leave it there to rot. I'll see it along the way and..."

"Make haste, my brother!" Sharrum yelled, a hand raised to clasp onto my wrist and squeeze it with surprising tenderness. "And may your road be clear of dangers, but not of challenges! Kynareth be with you, and you too fair fruit of the forest!"

Berry groaned, and then kicked the flanks of her horse to rush ahead once more.

"Umbra," Ralvas said, his expression utterly serious as I looked back at him, our eyes locking up in a challenge of gazes. "Promise me you won't die."

"Because you need me to tell on you with Willow?" I said as I shook my head in disbelief.

"Exactly," Ralvas smiled. "Let's go Sharrum," he said next to the Orsimer beneath him, and as the duo began to walk, I kicked Fury's flanks and rushed to close the distance with Berry, coming to match her speed as both horses galloped along the cobblestone road on our way to Ivarstead.

I hoped whatever we would meet on our path wouldn't be as fast as our horses.

The telling sound of a dragon's roar not five minutes later told me everything I needed to know about my luck in this world.

It was non-existent.
 
Chapter Twenty-Five point Five - Wilderness - 30th of Last Seed 4E 201- Ralvas
Chapter Twenty-Five point Five - Wilderness - 30th of Last Seed 4E 201- Ralvas

The conjured beasts died, the subtle fluctuations in the magic that dragged them into existence telling Ralvas everything he needed to know about the current location of the Stormcloak patrol. This one was bigger than the previous one. He stretched his fingers, calmly taking in the increased presence of hostiles in the area near them from the top of the tree he had climbed.

It was an army. It was an army on the move, and judging by their positioning, they had meant to settle in the very same Fort they had abandoned prior. Whether by chance, or truly the intervention of the Gods, they had managed to clear the place before the Stormcloaks had barged in. Even he didn't think he'd have the ability to deal with more than a hundred men, and if his eyes weren't lying, the Stormcloaks numbered in the hundreds, marching in neat columns as their scouts kept advancing, hiding in the undergrowth to the best of their abilities.

If the Fort fell, then the Rift would end up separated from Whiterun. It was a strategically important move that would preset the beginning of an invasion of the center of Skyrim itself, and it meant that the rebels weren't going to waste time in capitalizing on the fall of Helgen, which would have otherwise presented a point of contention in the challenge for the conquest of the Rift.

He descended from the tree by simply jumping off, letting magic slow his descent down as he came to plant his boot on the dust, staring at Sharrum who was sharpening his axe. Though rather than sharpening it, it would be better said that he was blunting it, since nothing could be sharper than ebony, barring choice pieces of daedric nature. "It's too many to fight head-on, and they'd barely notice us even if we tried something," he spoke.

"Ah, glory and duty shall guide us to our everlasting gift, brother, but I would rather enjoy the hips of a few more wenches before destiny arrives to grip me," Sharrum replied, slowly standing up as he grabbed from his backpack an imperial helmet complete with a face-mask. "Shall we wait for them on a bridge?"

"No, they're carrying all of the woodwork necessary for catapults," Ralvas replied, thinning his lips as he calmly pulled out a cowl of dark cloth, putting it on to cover the lower side of his face. "We will have to do what we do best, Sharrum."

"Cause unforeseen property damage and procreate the orc species throughout Skyrim?" Sharrum remarked.

"No," Ralvas said flatly, "We shall set the forest on fire and force them to retreat for the time being."

Sharrum smiled brightly. "Ah, my second best pastime!" and with a mighty swing of his battleaxe, he neatly sliced a large tree straight up, letting it shudder as it fell down with a hefty thunk.

Ralvas' hands ignited with fire and flames as he whispered words to drag out from the beyond the creatures that easily arrived at his beck and call, but never truly subservient, and yet never truly treacherous. The Fire Atronachs emerged and bowed primly, chortling among themselves.

Ralvas didn't even need to cajole them as he pointed his finger at the trees in front of him. "Set it all ablaze."

As one, the Atronachs began to move and fire, their footsteps drying the ground upon which they walked as the fireballs they exploded out of their hands made the bark of the trees blow up in shredding splinters, ricocheting all around them as sawdust began to gather thickly in the air.

Sharrum quickly grabbed hold of him, and like a singular being, they were finally ready to take on the forest itself as the buzzing of Spriggans reached for his ears, a telltale sign that the guardians of the forest were awakening quite angered at the unwarranted destruction.

An army was perhaps too much for them.

A group of walking sticks though?

It was like a walk in the park.

A park made of dying, burning trees, perhaps...


But still a walk in the park.
 
The spriggans always confused me. I pass through the forests as unobtrusively as possible, and here are these forest guardians who want to rip me a new one for no reason. WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO YOU?! Ugh.
 
Hey Umbra. No . magic, no problem. Just get wepon snd armor enchanted with element, soulsucking for enchsntment renewal and using your enemys health to heal you as you stab them
 
The spriggans always confused me. I pass through the forests as unobtrusively as possible, and here are these forest guardians who want to rip me a new one for no reason. WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO YOU?! Ugh.
They're alien beings and you probably broke some arcane law that is completely untranslatable.
 
Starting a forest fire in one of the Rift's forests would be damn near impossible.

The conditions are terrible for it- wet, no undergrowth, low tree density, no accumulations of dead brush, massive random clearings, and so on.
 
The spriggans always confused me. I pass through the forests as unobtrusively as possible, and here are these forest guardians who want to rip me a new one for no reason. WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO YOU?! Ugh.

Alduin tempted them to the dark side with cookies. Spriggans are suckers for a nice snickerdoodle.
 
If the Fort fell, then the Rift would end up separated from Whiterun. It was a strategically important move that would preset the beginning of an invasion of the center of Skyrim itself, and it meant that the rebels weren't going to waste time in capitalizing on the fall of Helgen, which would have otherwise presented a point of contention in the challenge for the conquest of the Rift.
Anyone got a good map for us readers to use as reference?
 
Chapter Twenty-Six - Wilderness - 30th of Last Seed 4E 201 - Umbra
Chapter Twenty-Six - Wilderness - 30th of Last Seed 4E 201 - Umbra

Dragons wouldn't normally land in the thick forests of the Rift within the game due to a lack of enough width. This dragon didn't care about landing, but simply about murdering us. As he glided downwards with the strength delivered by his crushing attack which all dragons in Dungeon and Dragons had, and this one had seemingly taken a page out of, he shattered the treetops that did absolutely nothing to his hardened scales and came to a grinding halt with its claws sparking against the cobblestones right in front of us.

It roared, and with its roar came the power of its voice. The Dovah spoke, and his voice carried the thunder and the lightning, the bolt and the sizzling death from high above.

Fury made a sort of mixture between a hop and a sidestep for a charging horse, literally executing a diagonal jump as it passed with its legs on the grass and uneven terrain, risking his limbs to run for safety. The dragon's tail came swooping on my side, because the mouth was instead turned to face Berry's horse. I was unsaddled as if a brick launched by a catapult had hit me straight on, sending me to crash on the ground with barely a twitch of my frame.

I did not move.

Not that I could even if I wanted to, but there was something to be said about how I tried, and most valiantly failed, to even muster the strength to stand back up. The blow had hit, and it had hit hard. If it hadn't pulverized my rib-cage, I'd consider it the miracle of the Nine Divines combined, and if it had, then so be it, I'd be done with my life and Willow would probably hurt Ralvas really bad, though the Dunmer could have kept accompanying us, rather than rush to the Darkwater Crossing to recover the stuff Rae, Dragnor and I had lost.

"Akatosh..." I murmured, "You...could have made the dragons...weaker," I croaked out. "Deathly allergic...to steel...perhaps or flowers..."

I winced as I felt something poke my back, and as my fingers traced the smooth surface of one of the pyramid's faces, I chuckled. "Julianos, you're a nice pet...shrine...but I think you just stabbed me."

The dragon roared in front of me, my eyes staring at its winged back as it seemed keener on making a single morsel out of Berry's mount rather than bother about my downed self. I extended my left hand, blood seemingly covering it. Was it falling down from my side? Julianos, you really did stab me, you traitorous shrine!

I shuddered as I tried to stand, but it was meaningless to as much as try. The most I could do was roll flat on my stomach, and even that took the strength of gravity to get away from the poking pyramid that had indeed taken a nice taste of my blood and flesh, puncturing the armor. "It wasn't the dragon that did me in but a shrine," I groaned out with a chuckle even as I hissed, my fingers digging into the shrine's sides. "Julianos, do something."

The ebony shrine did nothing, not even the tiniest of blessings left its form.

"Please do something," I continued as I closed my eyes, shuddering from pain as I heard the sound of the tail come down like a whip, and the startled neigh of a wounded horse and broken bones. "Merciful Stendarr...Mara, Talos, Akatosh...Kynareth, anyone really..." I pushed my knee against the wet and muddy ground, gritting my teeth as I pushed with my hands against the shrine, watching its base sink in the mud as I rose slowly back up to my feet, cold sweat formed and fell down my back and my forehead as I sank my fingers at the base of the shrine, lifting it out of the mud.

I turned through gasps and creaks of what I hoped was the leather and not my spine, but then again if it had been my spine I wouldn't have been able to actually move, would I?

The dragon's tail swished back and forth, and as I heard Berry's cries, it was pretty clear that she was trying to hack away at its snout with quite the courage. Silly Berry, you should have just left the follower behind and kept running away with that horse of yours. Ivarstead's guards could have taken the dragon with ease, wouldn't they?

"Dov...Dovahkiin, Dovahkiin..." I hummed as I fumbled for the handle of my blade, unsheathing the sword and taking one last deep breath as my arm shook. I had suffered through Sharrum's blows. I could get one hit in if only I concentrated and managed to slip past the tail. It would be the lowest of low blows, but even dragons had to mate, and so this would truly be the definition of the small mouse biting where it shouldn't, and yet bringing down the massive lion with that single bite.

"For the sake of Skyrim," sue me, but I had no idea what the actual Dragon-Tongue words were in their entirety. The tail swished up, the dragon's left claw moved to get a firmer grip on the ground, and in that moment I knew I had to charge. It was instinct. It was like witnessing Sharrum's overbearingly large swings, and as I held on tightly to Julianos' shrine with my left arm, clutching it to my chest, I rushed forward with only pain to fuel me.

All or nothing.

Had Akatosh of this world given balls to his dragons? I sure hoped he had. I sure hoped he had, and I sure hoped this dragon was a male of its species, because the instant I managed to pass through right beneath his tail, I didn't wait to find the perfect spot to excise, but simply thrust upwards, like a certain barbarian with a giant in a movie that starred Angelina Jolie and that was all that I remembered—oh, right, Beowulf. The movie was Beowulf. Good to know. Thank you, Julianos, my trustworthy pet rock.

The dragon screamed loudly as it hastily turned on itself, the motion making me let go of Julianos who fell on the ground, only for the dragon's back paw to end up right on it, making the beast yelp further as it tried to lift off with its wings. I ended up hanging to the right leg of the dragon, my legs firmly crossed around the creature's own as I screamed, thrusting further and further into the flesh of the dragon who executed a marvelous and majestic death roll in mid-air. I held on as I stabbed my sword right up to the hilt into the creature's leg.

"Land or become known as Dovah-a!" I bellowed. "Akatosh shall rue the day he decided not to slap his children with common sense! Come fucking back down to earth, you worm!" I roared as I twisted the blade into the wound. "Get down! Down now I say! You bag of scales and shit!"

I should have thought it through better. The dragon did indeed spin on himself in mid-air, and then abruptly dived downwards with incredible speed. Oi, dragon, the ground is coming closer and closer. Dragon, listen to me, this isn't going to end well.

"Don't land! Don't land! Don't land!" I screamed shrilly as my arms abruptly let go of the sword and my legs gave way, my body flung away from the diving dragon who landed head-first against the ground, strong of its immortality and its voice, which powerfully resounded with a guttural Fask. The ground itself seemed to soften up as the creature dived into it, emerging with another singular thrust of its wings utterly undamaged from the fall, but definitely not in the pride.

Meanwhile, I was still falling to my death, but the smudge of darkness in the corner of my vision turned out to be Julianos.

I stared at the obsidian pyramid for what felt like eons, but were really nothing more than a few seconds. "We're going to die, Julianos," I said as I watched the ground near us. "Bye."

"Fask!" Came the rolling power of the voice, and my body slammed into some form of soft jelly, not like water for I would have died all the same, and yet capable of slowing me down from the otherwise deadly fall. Julianos hit the ground too, crafting a small geyser of mud and dirt as it then proceeded to bounce off and head straight for the dragon's face. The creature turned to face the incoming projectile, and in so doing spelled his end. Berry took advantage of the distraction, and thrust her sword straight through the exposed neck of her enemy, much to the dragon's consternation and cry of pain as the pyramid hit next, leaving behind a dent in the dragon's flesh.

Blood copiously fell out of the wound as Berry jumped on the dragon's neck, thrusting her blade once more straight through the scales on the back, piercing the thick hide and ending the creature just as I emerged from the ground that had the consistence of jelly, and crawled my way out of it as it quickly solidified back into mud.

As the dragon died, the flesh and scales that composed it disappeared as the powerful soul it contained spread out in the air, wriggling towards Berry with the loud noise of thunder and lightning.

Berry didn't bother looking at the dragon, but rushed towards me and started to drag me away, much to my body's consternation and pain. I hissed in pain, flashes of blinding and pure hurt rushing through my veins and muscles.

"I've got you, don't die," Berry hoarsely said.

"The Emperor protects, Berry," I gingerly said as I glanced to Julianos' shrine, lazily lifting a hand with a thumb up towards the pyramid. "Julianos...was great too!"

"You hit your head," Berry said firmly, coming to a halt after propping my back against a rock. She winced as she looked at my side. "This is bad."

"This is Monday," I gurgled with a bright smile, "Give me a smile, Berry. It's fine."

"No, it's not," Berry snapped back, "I don't know how to heal someone! That stupid dunmer taught me how to set things on fire!" she bit her lower lip, and I simply chuckled and looked up at the sky. "It's not funny!"

"Look through the dragon's stomach," I muttered, "Check for what he ate. You might find a potion or two in there."

"Yeah? And a shrine of Talos covered in candy and whipped cream too?" Berry snorted, grabbing cloth from her backpack and most valiantly pushing it inside my wound, much to the sudden cry of pain I released in turn.

"With a berry on top," I pointed out with a shaky breath as I bit into my knuckles next, wincing and closing my eyes. "Just go look, Berry. The Gods won't let me die so easily." I smiled, or at least tried to as I took deep breaths. The pain was a throbbing fire in most of my back and limbs, but if I didn't move, it would slowly sit down and cool. That was my hope.

"Fine," Berry snapped curtly, grabbing one of my hands and pushing it to hold my side, "Keep the pressure on it."

I hummed through my throat what was an approval of sorts, and then heard the rustling of leafs as she left. "There's nothing but bones in this dragon! Even if he ate a whole apothecary on the way as a snack, he'd still have digested it!"

"Faith," I whispered, "Faith is all one needs. That...and a willing God to extend a tiny nudge...for a miracle..." I grumbled as I felt the wind pick up over our heads, the acre smell of burning wood reaching my nostrils. I carefully opened my eyes at the noise of buzzing bees, and as I witnessed faint wooden figures coming into the clearing, my eyes went beyond it, to where thick smoke clearly showed the onset of a forest fire that was ravaging the land not a short distance from here. "I said a miracle," I hissed out.

Berry returned with a grim look, and as she knelt by my side, it was clear what she wanted to say. She hadn't found a potion among the remains of the dragon because truly, the loot rebalancing sucked in this world. She had recovered my sword though, which was nice since I doubted I'd fare any better with anything else. "There's no way we can outrun the forest fire," Berry whispered.

"There's no we in this then," I replied with a grin. "You'll just have to go on and reach the Greybeards without me. It suits me too because I had no intention of climbing the seven thousand steps. I mean, really..." I coughed in my closed palm, "Seven thousand steps are a bit too much, aren't they? They could have installed a lift with pulleys and counterweights..."

Berry grimaced and looked at the borders of the clearing where the buzzing of the Spriggans was beginning to grow in intensity. A few of the wooden female-looking creatures were hesitating on nearing us, but it was mostly due to the dragon's corpse. "If you run for the river you should be safe," I pointed out. "Wash out the blood, get going upstream, should reach Ivarstead if you follow it, yes."

Berry pushed one of her arms beneath my armpit, forcing my own to circle round her shoulders as she pushed me up. "If you have the strength to give stupid ideas, you have the strength to walk," she hissed as she pushed down hard with her legs, forcing me up. I hissed in turn as I hesitantly took a step, and then another, Berry staggering under my weight. "Come on," she said determinedly and with pride. "We're getting out of here."

"What about Julianos?" I asked.

"Leave the stupid rock behind," Berry snapped curtly, taking another couple of steps with heroic determination. "He'll survive the fire. He's made of Ebony. You can come pick him back when we return."

"And Fury?" I asked next.

"He's a horse," Berry said. "And somehow, I think he's smarter than us both combined...now stop asking stupid questions, I need my breath." As she said that, and began to power through the inertia and my weight, we both ended up staggering forward back to the road.

"You know that...the Thu'um is more than just a simple attack, right?" I whispered as we went, "It reshapes reality and becomes part of who shouts. If you cry out about strength, you become strong. If you cry out about mortality, you become mortal. Speak of hatred, and hatred will be a part of you. You've gone a bit soft recently, haven't you?"

"You're lucky it worked," Berry said hotly as we reached for the smooth sailing of the cobblestone, "I heard the dragon and I repeated his word. If it hadn't..."

"I would still have lived through it. Somehow, I think I should have already died a long time ago, but something keeps me alive and kicking," I grumbled. "The Emperor, Berry, is a powerful protector to those who have faith in him."

Berry said nothing, but kept pulling me along.

"I'm the one who saved your ass, you piss-soaked Imperial coward," she said after a few minutes.

"I know," I replied. "And I guess I saved yours when I stabbed the dragon in his balls. Now, did you collect those? If we get to seven we can make a wish," I continued with a chuckle and a sudden bubble of laughter leaving my lips. Tears streaked down my eyes as I laughed, only for Berry to roll her eyes.

"It's not funny," Berry said. "I was an inch away from getting eaten trying to keep that thing away from eating you."

I took a deep breath, wincing and groaning in pain as my ribs shook together with my lungs. "You were brave back then," I replied. "If I could walk on my own, I'd affectionately rub your head and then run the long distance to avoid your wrath, since I can't do that, you'll have to settle for my words."

"I'd shoot you in the ass with an arrow," Berry replied with a huff. "No, I'd shoot both of your ass-cheeks, then your knees, and then you'd stop being such an idiot and become a pincushion."

"Once I was an adventurer like you, but then I took an arrow to the knee," I said quite seriously, gingerly chuckling once more. "It's funny cause it's true, kind of, and all guards are only failed adventurers?"

Fatigue washed over me as I rambled on. It was something I did sometimes, but since we were running away from a forest fire whose smoke was already reaching for our nostrils, I was wondering if we'd actually survive this.

"Is there a lever or something I can pull to get you to shut up?" Berry asked.

"No," I said gingerly. "But it takes balls to survive in Skyrim. You've got balls Berry. And I'd have dragon balls if only you had picked those up! And Julianos, my poor Julianos..."

"Enough about balls!" Berry snapped curtly, her shoulders shaking slightly. "Don't you have anything better to speak of?"

"Man..." I whispered to myself half-awed. "I could have had dragon balls."

Berry actually stopped walking, the shaking of her shoulders increasing as she broke out in a fit of giggles. "Yes, Umbra, you could have had dragon balls."

"And they'd be awesome, right?"

"Sure, sure they would."

Hopefully, I'd remember nothing of this when I finally managed to get my tongue back under control.

Knowing my luck, though, I'd have a photographic memory of this instant of time to wake me up for the rest of my life in the middle of the night.

Life sucked.

Life sucked balls.
 
"Oh, Great Shenron! I wish for Shade's luck to not be so horrible!"
"THAT IS FAR BEYOND MY POWER!"
 
Would it be weird if Dragons of Elder scrolls could turn into any of the humanoid races of Tamriel? And that Shade/Umbra meets a female Nord named Aly that really hates a person named Path?
 
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