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Life With the Ship Girls, or, How I Learned How to Stop Worrying and Love the Polygamy

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I was forced to take a break for a few hours after dealing with a lewd and crazed carrier driver and her lackeys (She made me think of someone I followed on Twitter, though. I'd have to DM and ask at some point). And besides, I had two dogs to take care of. I returned to my laptop after taking my oldest dog, a Border Collie mix by the name of Guinness (Dad, when he was still alive, had a tendency to name our pets after booze, even though he didn't drink often) on a nice long walk along the hike and bike trail that ran nearby. Poor thing was exhausted, but he needed to run off the energy.

I booted WoWS back up and realized: I wanted more. I rose up Fog Carrier and asked if she wanted to div up again. She declined, saying that she was having fun with her favorite player, someone named Winterpwner. Funny, he was also on a forum Greek and I were on. I'd have to persuade her to join up. Or join QQ, which seemed to be her type of place. But Winter frequently lamented about her and her endless torpedo puns, and he mentioned some time ago that she claimed to be the USS Enterprise at one point. That gave me one hilarious mental image. That red-eyed blonde with a massive shit-eating grin ecstatically typing away alongside whatever other USN girls happened to play.

However, Fog Carrier said that a few others from the Fog clan were on and that I could div up with them. I decided why not. It turned out to be one of the most... interesting decisions I made in my life.

[17:01] SammehBee [FOG] (Mahan): So you're that asshole that Hakuryuu liked?
[17:01] CompassJimbo [VLCTY] (Cleveland): Yeah, I am. She called me feisty.
[17:01] SammehBee [FOG] (Mahan): I don't care what she called you.
[17:02] Fog_Cruiser_Phoenix [FOG] (Cleveland): Imma burn the seas, bitches!
[17:02] Dood_42 (Minikaze): oh crap its phoenix
[17:02] Jombomuffin (New York): Report sammeh for language. And phoenix.
[17:03] QBHeavy (Kongo): phenix spams he
[17:03] CompassJimbo [VLCTY] (Cleveland): It seems you have developed quite the reputation, Phoenix.
[17:04] Fog_Cruiser_Phoenix [FOG] (Cleveland): Not my fault they cant evade for shit

So someone who appreciated fire just as much as I have when I burned Fog Carrier down not long before. Things became interesting when SammehBee got... ideas.

[17:04] QBHeavy (Kongo): WHERE DID THOS TORPS COM FRM!?!?!?
SammehBee has achieved: Devastating strike!
[17:04] SammehBee [FOG] (Mahan): That's right, bitch! No wonder why E likes them!
[17:05] CompassJimbo [VLCTY] (Cleveland): E?
[17:05] Fog_Cruiser_Phoenix [FOG] (Cleveland): Fog Carrier idiot
[17:05] CompassJimbo [VLCTY] (Cleveland): Oh.
[17:06] Bongobrad (Yubari)You play with fog carrier?
[17:06] SammehBee [FOG] (Mahan): Were part of the same group retard!

It was apparent that SammehBee needed to have her mouth washed out with soap. Unless, of course, she was around the same age as me. "E" never said.

[17:07] Dood_42 (Minikaze): at least you aren't incpmpitent like willie
[17:07] SammehBee [FOG] (Mahan): >Incompetent. Learn to spell asshole. Even if Willie cant fire for shit. I still don't know how she got the Fletcher.
[17:07] Fog_Cruiser_Phoenix [FOG] (Cleveland): Burn. Burn! BURN!!
[17:08] Jombomuffin (New York): This wont end well.
[17:08] Fog_Cruiser_Phoenix [FOG] (Cleveland): BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!! LET THE SEA... BURN!!
[17:09] Fog_Cruiser_Phoenix (Cleveland) [FOG]: BURN!
Fog_Cruiser_Phoenix has achieved: Arsonist!
[17:10] SammehBee (Mahan) [FOG]: I've punched well above my weight before, bi-otch!
LilLoveburn has achieved: Detonation!
SammehBee has achieved: Devastating Strike!

And with that, the match ended. Phoenix, as I expected, set the most fires while Sammeh managed to be the only destroyer on our team to survive, and even came in close to the top in XP earned. I was seriously considering defecting.
 
(18:04) Icedbismarck [FOG] (Richelieu) : So, what ship are you going to be playing?
(18:04) Winterpwner [ANZIO] (...) : Des Moines. This is my 'FUCK YOU AND YOUR SHIT' cruiser.
(18:04) Winterpwner [ANZIO] (Des Moines) : Did I ever tell you that I have fifteen captain skills on my Des Moines?
(18:04) Icedbismarck [FOG] (Richelieu) : ... how
(18:05) Winterpwner [ANZIO] (Des Moines) : By nolifing this game so hard
(18:05) Winterpwner [ANZIO] (Des Moines) : You'd be surprised at how much work you can get done in the first semester by just nolifing that hard as well
(18:05) Icedbismarck [FOG] (Richelieu) : I've never been to university, but, wow. Just wow.
(18:05) Icedbismarck [FOG] (Richelieu) : Anyway, look, it's Hakuryuu on the enemy team... with Jimbo and Bee and Phoenix.
(18:05) Winterpwner [ANZIO] (Des Moines) : Time to show them the nightmare party.

Bismarck shuddered when she read that.

She knew exactly what Winter was going to do next.

(18:05) Icedbismarck [FOG] (Richelieu) : Don't overdo it, okay?
(18:05) Icedbismarck [FOG] (Richelieu) : Remember the last time you showed them the Nightmare of the North Sea?
(18:06) Winterpwner [ANZIO] (Des Moines) : Seven kills, 303k damage, two million credits?
(18:06) Icedbismarck [FOG] (Richelieu) : You almost got banned for that.
(18:06) Winterpwner [ANZIO] (Des Moines) : They're not really going to be trying to ban me after I sent in the replay.
(18:06) Winterpwner [ANZIO] (Des Moines) : Here they come.

"Alright, let's roll," she heard him say over their VOIP connection.

And then this started playing.

(18:06) Winterpwner [ANZIO] (Des Moines) : Let's have at you, ya poor excuses for humans! I'm going for all of you!
(18:06) CompassJimbo [VLCTY] (Yamato) : Oh fuck it's winter.
(18:06) Jingles (Vanguard) : Oh this is going to be gold.
(18:06) SammehBee [FOG] (Gearing) : OH IT'S ON

Winter launched forward like a lion ready to fight, and she watched as Bee turned to engage him, letting loose all of her torpedoes at the cruiser driver. He turned into them, letting the torpedoes sail harmlessly by his ship. "C'mon, I was hoping for a damn fight, not a turkey shoot!" he yelled over their connection, before slamming nine 203 mm shells into the American destroyer.

Or would have, if Bee didn't dodge them like a pro. "Wha-"

(18:08) SammehBee [FOG] (Gearing) : IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO SMALLTIME!?
(18:08) Winterpwner [ANZIO] (Des Moines) : WHO ARE YOU CALLING SMALLTIME, SMALLTIME!?

While the two circled and fought each other like rabid animals, Bismarck carried on her way up the Eastern side of the map. They were fighting it out on Domination, Fault Line, and she had began shelling the enemy Yamato and Des Moines with her quadruple 380 mm turrets. The guns cracked like lightning as they punched the shells straight through the thin armour of the enemy Des Moines, critically damaging the heavy cruiser and dropping his health down to 322 points.

Her secondaries did the rest of the work, splattering the stricken cruiser with HE shells, setting it on fire before the ammunition onboard the American vessel exploded spectacularly, splitting the ship in two.

She turned her attention to the Yamato, as she brought her guns to bear on Bismarck's Richelieu-class battleship. Bismarck barely had any time to dodge the incoming fire as it slammed home, citadelling her warship and removing twenty-thousand hitpoints.

"Schisse," she swore into the coms.

"You too?" Winter asked rhetorically. He dodged yet another carpet bomb of torpedoes as his own secondaries fired wildly at the marauding destroyer, desperately hoping that at least a few shells hit before they were silenced by Bee's HE rounds. He gladly returned the favour, finally connecting his 203s with her destroyer. It shaved off quite a bit of health, but the crazed destroyer was still going strong, chaingunning round after round into the heavy cruiser's sides.

"At least I can take this guy out. Any luck with Bee?"

"No joy so far -- stay still you fucker -- and I would really appreciate it if you could try to cap B. I'm going to try to rush for C and smash the cruisers there."

"With her on your tail?" she asked incredulously.

"Done it before." He punctuated his words with his 203s firing at Bee again, who popped her smoke screen and had retreated to come at him from another angle. "Goddamnit," he swore, firing one last time into the smoke screen before turning his guns to capture point C. "Seriously wish I had audioacoustic scanners on my ship right now."

"Defensive Fire is way more useful."

"Truth," he agreed, "but it sure would be useful to see Bee, damn girl has an appointment with my guns."

Bismarck's 380s firing drowned out her reply. "What I said," she repeated, "Was that you best be careful. I went up against her a few times -- she knows the maps as well as you do."

"Wilco. Time to kite some cruisers." And then he was off, speeding off at 36 knots towards the blob of opposing cruisers and destroyers hammering the defending forces at C. He let his autoloaders announce his arrival, slicing an unlucky cruiser in half with his AP, and then blowing a destroyer sky-high with a couple rounds of HE.

All of this done in twenty seconds. He soldiered forward, laughing as Bismarck gave him some covering fire and taking down another battleship. "Good one Bismarck!"

"Same to you, Winter!"

The two closed the distance between them, and as a swarm of planes descended on the pair, Winter activated his Defensive Fire ability, swatting the opposing force's carrier pets out of the sky like they were nothing more than particularly large mosquitoes. Bismarck's guns were like buzzsaws, rapidly decimating the opposing force's attack group at C. They laid down shell after shell, damaging and blowing up countless vessels.

But it still wasn't enough. Bee had managed to get herself around to their own team's carriers, and with a few torpedoes, managed to destroy the friendly team's air cover. Within minutes, the rest of the defenders at C were sitting at the bottom of the ocean, leaving Bismarck and Winter alone to face off against six warships, and Bee.

(18:23) Fog_Cruiser_Phoenix [FOG] (Des Moines) : SURRENDER NOW AND YOU WILL NOT BE HARMED
(18:23) Winterpwner [ANZIO] (Des Moines) : That'll be the day.
(18:23) Icedbismarck [FOG] (Richelieu) : That'll be the day.

"Let's do it?" Bismarck asked.

"Let's."

"Engage!" they both charged into the blob of opposing vessels, guns firing wildly into the group. "Alpha that Yamato!"

Eight 380 mm shells answered his request. Winter soon followed them up with shells of his own, his 203s turning the bow of the mighty warship into swiss cheese. The pride of the Japanese Fleet sank moments later, the bow literally snapping off as Bismarck landed a brutal trio of citadel pens on the warship.

"Damn, that's nice."

"Watch out Winter!"

The doctor barely had any time to react before the torpedoes managed to narrowly miss his cruiser. He punched a full salvo of his primaries straight into the destroyer, ending it's reign of terror on the seas.

(18:25) Winterpwner [ANZIO] (Des Moines) has achieved 'Devastating Strike!'
(18:25) Jingles (Vanguard) : Nice dodge!
(18:25) Winterpwner [ANZIO] (Des Moines) : Thanks

Winter followed that up with taking out the cruiser trying to sneak up on Bismarck's rear, earning the thanks of the battleship captain and yet another kill for the duo.

Soon, it was just the two, versus Bee.

And there was only three minutes left on the clock.

(18:28) Winterpwner [ANZIO] (Des Moines) : COME ON OUT! YOU CAN'T HIDE FOREVER
(18:28) SammehBee [FOG] (Gearing) : I'M NOT HIDING YOU GIT, I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU

The only warning he had was the rapidly increasing sonar pings before he managed to, yet again, narrowly dodge the destroyer's torpedoes. Bismarck, on the otherhand, wasn't so lucky. She took two torpedoes straight into the stern, blowing up the last remaining friendly on Winter's team.

"You can do it."

"I have to."

And the cruiser and the destroyer resumed their final showdown.

(18:28) SammehBee [FOG] (Gearing) : You act as if you've won this game already.
(18:28) Winterpwner [ANZIO] (Des Moines) : We have. We have the point advantage.
(18:28) SammehBee [FOG] (Gearing) : And you're the last warship on your team. If you die, you fail.
(18:28) Winterpwner [ANZIO] (Des Moines) : Same to you. But I won't fail.
(18:28) SammehBee [FOG] (Gearing) : And I won't, either.
(18:28) SammehBee [FOG] (Gearing) : May our battle be sung in the great halls of Sto'Vo'Kor for all eternity.
(18:28) SammehBee [FOG] (Gearing) : Goodbye, Winterpwner, legend of the Northern Seas.
(18:28) Winterpwner [ANZIO] (Des Moines) : Goodbye, SammehBee, legend of Samar.

The two engaged in their deadly melee, torpedo tubes firing their deadly payload straight at the cruiser. Winter's guns fired, shredding health off the destroyer, before taking two torpedoes out of the ten that Bee fired at him.

The destroyer belched out fire from the smokestacks, Winter's shells damaging the boilers onboard that ship, and knocking out the rudder. His ship wasn't fairing much better, though; the flooding sapped him of most of his own health, leaving the two on dangerously low HP pools. Just as the smoke parted, he saw two rounds headed for him -- the two rounds certainly being enough to sink him. He blind-fired into the white abyss, praying to whatever deity above that would listen to him to make this shot work.

The seconds before impact were the slowest. He took a deep breath as the shells disappeared...

(18:28) Winterpwner [ANZIO] (Des Moines) has achieved 'High Caliber'
(18:28) Winterpwner [ANZIO] (Des Moines) has achieved 'Devastating Strike'

... Victory.

"Yes, you did it!" Bismarck screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Told you." Winter let out a content sigh.

"You... We did it again. You're one hell of a miracle worker."

"Thanks."

"Seriously. I could kiss you right now."

"Well, I'm sure it would be pleasant. If you look half-as-good as you sound..."

"Winter...!"

"What? Free victory smooches? They're great!" he chuckled.

"... You're impossible, you know that?"

"Yup, and I'm proud of it."

Bismarck grumbled. "I honestly have no idea why I stick around with you."

"Honestly, neither do I, but I'm glad you do."

Bismarck paused as she digested this information. "Someone's gotta look after you..." she mumbled.

"And you do, thank you."

"Yeah..."

Trying to dig herself out of this awkward situation she found herself in, she clicked on the ready button. "Let's, ah, let's go."

"Ready."

"All hands..."

"... Engage!"

And the two set off together again, resuming their battle across the seas.
 
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As it is right now, it doesn't really feel like a Kancolle story. The shipgirls are too well-hidden. I'm not sure if anyone who hasn't read the spoilers would even realise they're there. I really think you should reveal them in the story itself as soon as possible, to make the Kancolle side more apparent.
 
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I'll handle the reveal via Skype. Next of my snippets later tonight.
 
As a member of the WoWS clan KNTAI and a second wave alpha tester for WoWS, I must say that I find this story utterly hilarious and deeply disturbing on an intrinsic level.

Good work and keep it up, I look forwards to more chapters.
 
U.N.Spacy000 said:
I would like this expanded upon so that I might traumatize - understand the mind of a ship girl.
Also, what are you doing in the USA, and is Yamashiro with you?
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Yamashiro is around somewhere, I think she's busy. Also, it's the whole idea of this thing that is disturbing partially because of just how surreal it is to imagine shipgirls playing wows.
 
The reveal (for me, anyway) comes tonight after I close votes for my quest. Hopefully BBQ will jog my muse.
 
Well, should KanColle, against all odds, add in American shipgirls, they already have a convinient source thanks to November and Morgane. And hopefully more people will get in on this.
 
Yeah, it's more or less a Round Robin. An Entry with a Bang!, SV edition. Now with 90% less thread-derailing arguements!
 
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