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Let's Play Every Final Fantasy Game In Order Of Release [Now Playing: Final Fantasy IX]

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Non-spoiler Crisis Core Fun Fact:
All of the Soldiers First Class had fanclubs; everybody you interact with in person from the fan clubs were fangirls, although Zack can also receive news bulletins from said clubs that don't explicitly show the sender.

It is very heavily implied that the head of the Sephiroth fanclub ("Chairwoman H"), who includes extremely specific personal details about Sephiroth up to and including his bathing habits in said club news bulletins, is Hojo using an alias. Who, as this update reveals, is Sephiroth's dad. And apparently monitors his son's bathing and reveals details of it to the public.

Hojo is fractally eww; zooming in closer only reveals all new and terrifying in new ways kinds of eww.
 
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Zap Rowsdower said:
It is very heavily implied that the head of the Sephiroth fanclub ("Chairwoman H"), who includes extremely specific personal details about Sephiroth up to and including his bathing habits in said club news bulletins, is Hojo using an alias. Who, as this update reveals, is Sephiroth's dad. And apparently monitors his son's bathing and reveals details of it to the public.
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Look, he's just really proud of his little boy and wants to share his every action with the world.
 
Legit I hope we can delete this man in the game, I'm pretty sure that'd give the planet an extra 10 years just from his death.
 
The Cuck Tales update recontextualizes everything and makes Sephiroth a lot more sympathetic.

Sephiroth is Hojo's son. Can you blame him for wanting to destroy the world in light of this?

I can't.

In fact, I'm team Sephiroth now. The world must be destroyed.

It has Hojo in it.
 
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Omicron said:
he could just not get into deadly life-or-death fights that trigger his uncontrollable beast rage

maybe set up a coffee shop or something
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Why do you think he was in his coffin listening to Disintegration?

Your lust for optional content ruined this cuck's whole career. :V

E:
somewhatLazy said:
You'd think it'd bottom out somewhere but no. You'd dig all the way into hell and then keep digging.
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The man is inverse Gurren-Lagann, his yuck will bore through hell.
 
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Omicron said:
Welcome back to Final Fantasy VII, the game where all evil, inexplicably, eventually, must somehow be traced back to Hojo.
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CUCK ARC

CUCK AAAAAAAAAAAAAARC
Omicron said:
FUCKING HOJO???

HOW

WHY

HOW DOES THAT GREASY FUCK-
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Sorry Omi, I guess you just don't understand the sheer rizz this man has. Clearly Hojo is just the most appealing alpha male in all of Final Fantasy VII, seeing as he gets the most girls.

Why, we even know that his genes spread to the next generation, just look at all the sheer unbridled lust Sephiroth gets, in game and out?
Omicron said:
This is the worst twist in the history of the game. I hate it. It's hilarious. It's awful. I don't even know what to say.
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There really isn't anything to say, other than everyone in the know has been waiting with bated breath for this update since... I don't know, when Hojo was first revealed near the beginning of the game. Because it's just such a stupidly hilarious twist. How do you top "one of the most popular villains in video game history, shilled for decades across all kinds of media, is actually just the cuck child of greasy scientist man and emo vampire boi's scientist crush?"
Omicron said:
Hojo is Sephiroth's biological dad.

I… Why. Why would you do this to me.

I'm never going to be able to take Sephiroth seriously again. I'm sorry. I can't treat as a legitimate threat to the universe Hojo's son from Vincent Valentine's cuck arc. This is a bad doujin character. No. I refuse. The luster has been destroyed. He will never be cool again.

God. What a twist.
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Someone else already said it, but it really is hilarious how this game has just systematically taken down Sephiroth as being "cool". His entire villain breakdown is just him on extreme sleep-deprivation reading fake work notes and going on a rampage, he manages to go 0-2 against literally a basic stormtrooper, he's actually the son of fucking Hojo of all people...

Sephiroth is a joke, and everyone who thinks he's the coolest shit ever is the punchline.
Omicron said:
I don't even know what about Vincent's body is meant to be a 'punishment.' Like, the game genuinely never tells us. I call him a 'vampire' because of aesthetic similarities but at no point is there any indication that he has some issue like needing to drink blood or whatever. His concept art makes him look like a conventionally attractive if goth young man. He can fly. What's supposed to be wrong with him? You have to actually tell us that.
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It feels like one of those things that really isn't communicated well due to him being an optional character who's total lines of actual dialogue in the game was probably tripled in this single short cutscene, but I wouldn't be surprised if his Limit Break Transformations were supposed to have some plot significance of being uncontrollable (as in, Vincent gets mad and hulks out at inopportune times) but it got left by the wayside.
Omicron said:
Fade to black, and we are outside of the cave.
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Omicron said:
…

What the fuck is going on here.
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Cuck Arc, Omi. Cuck Arc.
Omicron said:
Lucrecia's Cave is a baffling sequence with unexplained twists that raises more questions than it answers and most of these questions are probably never going to be answered and any speculation is mostly just making shit up because the whole thing feels half-baked and unfinished, and also it contains one of the most important elements to the core thematic throughline of the game that reveals what the entire story has been about, AND IT'S A FUCKING MISSABLE HIDDEN CUTSCENE AGAIN.
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I highly suspect that this entire bit is running into multiple walls keeping it from being coherent. It's Vincent, an optional character, so the content likely came up late in game development, meaning it got less time to cook than anyone else's storylines because the game would have been running into "gotta release soon" deadlines. Throw in that the english translation was run by a single guy locked in a closet with a one week timer and three hundred cans of Redbull, and I wouldn't be surprised if it's a nonsensical translation (we've been getting plenty of those lately in FFVII) of an already poorly written scene.

Man, can't wait for FFVIII where there's one particularly bad translation factoid to bring up early on.
RubberBandMan said:
I know it's terrible storytelling, but I love it in the way you love half-baked movies where you can pick apart where they had to half ass a scene because of weather or reshoots or actor scheduling issues.

Plus, the sense of actually discovering something you know you could have missed that ties in directly with the actual plot is something only video games can really do. Having side quests be, well, side content not required to get what's going on makes sense if you want to ensure everyone actually gets the story your telling, but doing three seemingly unrelated optional things (Get Vincent and the related puzzles, get a way to get to the cave, actually finding it and investigating purely because you might find something) to find this out is an amazing feeling.
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To segway that into an entirely different game series, I've always liked how Fire Emblem support conversations handle this kind of thing in a lot of the games. Particularly in older entries like the GBA titles, supports were entirely optional and often difficult to build up, but oh boy they could be hiding all kinds of insane characterization plot gems that you miss for a dozen playthroughs because hey, who the hell uses Renault? Yeah sure some of them are just "two derpos run around wasting memory space on inane converations", but then there's stuff like "here's Renault some completely random bishop dude, he joins literally 3 map screens before the ending, you can only get one support rank per map screen, but hey if you grind his supports up you'll find out he murdered Lucius's parents like 15 years before the game started, yeah you know that other completely optional character you might have missed fifteen chapters ago or who maybe got killed because you mispositioned him at some point in the interm."

It's absolutely wild, and I love it.
Solsticegelan said:
Know what? Hat off to you, FF7. I didn't expect the source of a solid half of your problems at the minimum to be a dude who wandered in from, fuck I dunno Taimanin or something and promptly found the Thing.

It really is all just his fetish isn't it?
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Shit, Hojo wasn't even the one who found Jenova wasn't he? It was Shinra or Gast, Hojo's just doing what he does best of popping in to demand credit for everyone else's work.
SolipsistSerpent said:
I remember disliking Hojo when I played the game but this thread is definitely making him into one of my 'love to hate' characters.
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At some point, it all just loops around from "what a disgusting piece of garbage" to "how is this man responsible for literally everything wrong in Final Fantasy VII, I thought Foamy was shitposting". Every single goddamn plot thread and problem that's been set off in FFVII seems to just inexplicably end up leading back to this greasy dingus, so at some point it goes from annoying to outright amazing.

And what tops it all off is he keeps getting away with it. Nobody has offed him at any point, not the party running into him unguarded on the beach, not Sephiroth in a fit of delusion, not even Shinra when he sat in the airship cockpit with all the executives going "MWEEHEEHEE MY PLANS OF ENDING THE WORLD ARE COMING TO FRUITION" and they just went "yeah okay old man go back to your brooding corner".
 
illhousen said:
The Cuck Tales update recontextualizes everything and makes Sephiroth a lot more sympathetic.

Sephiroth is Hojo's son. Can you blame him for wanting to destroy the world in light of this?

I can't.

In fact, I'm team Sephiroth now. The world must be destroyed.

It has Hojo in it.
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Sephiroth: Okay I can

1. Accept I'm human and Hojo is my father

or

2. Reject my humanity and side with the Alien out to destroy all life

-

Considering the choices can any of us say we would have done any differently?
 
Space Oddity said:
As I've noted elsewhere, it's a brilliant design. Hojo is ugly yes, but it's an acquired ugliness, that of a man with naturally handsome features not giving a shit about presenting himself and aging badly on top of it due to the aforementioned.
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Also his body language and facial expressions. Even with nothing more than the original FFVII's polygons he has very distinctive body language that come across as "off", much less the facial expressions they gave him in the remake.

He makes a definite "greasy and creepy" impression from the first time he appears that only gets worse over time.
 
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McFluffles said:
At some point, it all just loops around from "what a disgusting piece of garbage" to "how is this man responsible for literally everything wrong in Final Fantasy VII, I thought Foamy was shitposting". Every single goddamn plot thread and problem that's been set off in FFVII seems to just inexplicably end up leading back to this greasy dingus, so at some point it goes from annoying to outright amazing.
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Somehow, he's even better than Danzo. I think it's the visible slime and the complete lack of a mask of respectability or delusions that he's helping anyone.
 
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It's even more amazing that Hojo is so 'accomplished' at causing all these disaster dominoes... when you recognize that at no point in the FF7 franchise has Hojo managed to succeed at anything he's intended to do. All his scientific genius? Literal fraud. All his betrayal? Literally Turks and Shinra being bastards. His pull inside Shinra? Executives barely know who he is and just rubberstamp for the Science Dept. Hojo's a fractal farce. He's even terrible at being terrible, and not even in a comedic way.
 
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