The New USA
It was a rainy and cold morning. The saying might have been that April showers bring may flowers, but that didn't make it any less annoying for Tom, who had to drive for an hour and a half to beat beltway traffic. Sometimes, Tom wished that there was an easier way to get into work... but getting an apartment in D.C. was way too expensive these days. Plus, all the people in the city were young yuppies with far too many liberal ideas.
No, Tom much preferred living out in Bethesda, with his nice two-story. Gave the dog plenty of space to run around in the yard, even if those damn neighborhood kids wouldn't stop drawing on the sidewalks.
Ruminating on how tough his life was, Tom waved idly to the receptionist on his way into the building.
"Hello Mr. White." She said to him.
"Good morning... Janice!" He said to her, taking a moment to look at her nametag.
"...Janine sir."
"Right, right. Is Dale in yet Janine?" Jesus wept, this woman needed to learn some manners as far as Tom was concerned.
"Yes, Mr. Selleck is in his office at the moment." She said, her smile still on her face.
"Good good." No, not good. He'd been giving that bastard the worst hours he could, and yet he still refused to quit. Tom would be damned if that fucking darkie rat of a janitor got a severance package. Report him to HR? He'd show him.
"Have a wonderful day Mr. White."
"You too Janice." He said, giving her a bright smile. He missed the frown she gave him as he turned away.
The quality of the help really had declined. Tom started working for the heritage foundation back in the 70s, and they had far better secretaries then. Prettier too. Ah well, nothing to do about it he supposed, what with all those broads yapping about fair treatment and what not.
Tom made his way to his office, sitting down in his comfortable leather chair. He took a sip of his morning coffee, Indonesian of course, and took out his copy of the Times. Got to keep an eye on what those liberal pinkos were thinking after all.
He read the headline, saw the date at the top of the paper, the chuckled a little bit. A harmless practical joke. He scanned the article and-
"-And that's when I found him lying there." Janine told Dale, nervously playing with her hair.
"...Damn, we're probably gonna have to call the cops about this." Dale sighed, running his hands through his neatly combed hair. "And I just know that they're gonna grill us both to hell."
"Why?" Janine asked him, quirking an eyebrow. "Clearly it was a heart attack, right?"
"Look Janine, I know that. You know that. Any doctor in the world, hell, anyone with two brain cells knows that." He looked to the heavens for guidance. "But lets be smart about this, I just filed an HR claim on this asshole, The cops are gonna take on look at me, and scream 'he had a motive'! You? They're gonna ask why you didn't check on him, then hold you in suspicion for that."
"...Damn." She said, huffing. "You're right, shit, you're right. What do we do?"
"Fuck... are there cameras in this part of the building?"
"Just in the lobby. Wait..." She rubbed her chin. The office is on the first floor, and we both have keys to the back door."
"Smart thinking, lock it from the inside? Say we heard a scream?"
"And that we couldn't get in, yeah."
"All right, you start phoning the cops, I'll get to that and hop out the window."
"What was it that killed him anyway? The paper?" She quirked her head, idly picking it up. "Maybe he croaked from reading someone with an opinion to the left of McConnell?"
Dale chuckled, and took a look at the headline. Both of them stared for a moment, the burst out laughing.
USA PROCLAIMS VICTORY OF SOCIALISM, DEMANDS AN END TO EXPLOITATION OF THIRD WORLD
