When Calliope Anderson looked at Rakhil Sergeyevna Sergeyeva, there was only one thought that crossed her mind:
Do me. Sergeyeva wore burgundy lipstick and her hair had the fluffy perfection of a freshly-groomed dog's fur. Calliope stared through her computer monitor at the woman on her video chat program. "Evening, Callie," Rakhil said, in a Russian accent that had a bit of California put in there.
"How's the Oligarchy doing?" Calliope asked.
"It's doing quite well, the slaves put up a bit of a fuss, though. We got them back to work. It's also the 'Russian Federation'. How's Hawaii?" she asked. "Oh, and you ought to take those sunglasses off."
Calliope hadn't taken off her sunglasses in years, even indoors. "Hawaii's fine. Not that many creature comforts, and I'm sick of the CCP ordering me around."
"Well..." Rakhil chortled. "Have you ever considered trying caviar rather than lo mein?" she asked.
Calliope had the political sense to see where she was going. "You can get me off this rock?" She sounded almost hopeful. If anyone could do it, it was Sergeyeva.
Rakhil lifted a cigarette to her lips with her acrylic nails, lighting it in one smooth motion. "Callie, I don't think you deserve to be stuck in America, surrounded by failure and impotence. Look at you: a brilliant general, an expert leader, and I'd even go so far as to say that you deserved to win that war."
Calliope knew it was flattery, but honestly she didn't really care. "You're so sweet." Miss Gazprom sure had a way with words.
"Sweeter than honey, and twice as addictive," Rakhil said. "Come on, you must be so
bored in Hawaii."
"It'd be dangerous, though, right?" Calliope asked. "Both because of the Russian collapse and my whole gender thing."
"You'll stay in the nicer areas of St. Petersburg, it's not so bad there. It isn't Putin's reign anymore, and you'll be an oligarch."
"What?" Calliope asked. "You're kidding."
"Sure, through Gazprom. We'll get you a sinecure. It has to be better than dealing with the Christian Republic, Denver, and Miami exiles, hm?"
Calliope looked around for a moment, then checked her laptop to make sure this was secure. It was. "They'll like me in Russia?" she asked.
"The people who matter will love you," Rakhil assured. "Why not bring it up with Sam?"
Calliope almost choked. "The mall cop? Why does he get a say?"
"Well, what about your kids?"
"My kids are adults and Sam's suicidal. If they want to stay in Commie Land or on this rock, they can. You're sure I can be open?" she asked.
"Anyone who so much as insults you I can have assassinated," Rakhil said. "Vodka cocktails, prostitutes, me, endless money, and you can even help out with some of the tactical stuff if we can figure that out. Why not?"
Calliope gave it some thought. "You know what? It's time I mattered again. What's this make me, a kind of high-ranking mercenary?"
"Sure, if you want to think of it in that way," Rakhil laughed. Calliope blushed.
"Do you ever get the sense that you're a truly shitty person?" Calliope asked, almost proud of it.
"Always," Rakhil said. "We can be shitty together. If we're lucky, maybe we'll make each other worse."
"Works for me," Calliope said, before signing off to make it official. It was a dark room. She got up and turned on the light.
A few hours later, Calliope heard her phone ring on the wooden kitchen table. It was the sort of place where the napkins—against Calliope's preferences but with a lower price on sale—had little cartoon bees on them. She snatched up the phone and put it to her hear. "Oh, it's my less psycho maybe-kid. What do you want? Did Sam give you my number?" Calliope asked.
"No, I just wanted to talk," Lottie said, on the other end.
"About what? Deregulation?" Calliope scoffed.
"No, about us. You might be my mom, and I think we both need to come to terms with it." Lottie's tone was ringed with iron spikes.
"You two were an accident," Calliope said.
"...Are you trying to sound like a cartoon villain?" Lottie asked, disappointed more than angry.
"No, I just talk like this," Calliope said. "I'm kind of at peace with myself."
Lottie exhaled almost inaudibly. "...Please support the family. I'm struggling with Dad, and Benji's under house arrest."
"Actually, I was kinda going to fuck off to Russia and sleep with a woman half my age," Calliope said, trying to sound as shameless as possible.
"...Do you think if you lean into it it somehow makes you not as bad as if you were obliviously evil?" Lottie asked. "Look, you have a responsibility, okay?"
Calliope contemplated hanging up right there. "Listen, I don't have responsibilities. I have privileges and rights. That's how it goes. I took that stuff with my own two hands."
"Please stop play-acting as a Bond villain for just one goddamn moment!" Lottie said, and Calliope could hear the tears. "Look, can we at least get me DNA tested so I can see if you're my mom? If you aren't actually my mom, you can fuck off to Russia, okay?"
Calliope decided that if this would get her out of this conversation, she'd take it. "Sure, bye." She hung up.
A week later, Calliope Anderson found herself sitting on her porch with a bellini she'd made herself, smoking a cigarette and feeling the sun on her skin in her short-sleeved blouse with a peter pan collar. Something buzzed in her pocket, and she drew her phone from it. New email, forwarded.
University of Washington Paternity said:
Dear Ms. Cross,
It has been recently discovered that by DNA, you are related biologically to Calliope Anderson. We sincerely apologize for these circumstances, and we would like to stress that we do not judge you as a person for your mother. Frankly, we are unsure how to write this, and it certainly couldn't be done justice as a form letter. We cannot think of a worse person to be related to.
Calliope sent a text to her daughter.
Calliope Anderson said:
While I'm not particularly surprised I actually did help create you, it also doesn't actually mean anything. I'm not going to waste my time taking care of a recovering alcoholic and a suicidal depressive. Spasibo!
That means "thank you" in Russian.
For the first time, she felt as though things were looking up.