At one point, in his earliest appearance, I'm 90% sure Leto's Joker shouts the words "THAT HOLY QUIM" after describing how Harley is basically the itch in his dick. So like. Just to set the tone. Just to set the tone.
Fuck me I think Suicide Squad heard about pacing at one point but then decided it was a lie made up by Democrats 'cause this whole lurching, shambling, fuck I dunno this whole thing is paced like a narcoleptic on crystal meth. The first like half hour of a movie is just this blended, shredded up, mishmash of scenes. The back quarter of the movie takes its sweet ass time with a slo-mo scene at the obligatory Climatic Battle™ that I swear to God went on for like at least two-maybe three minutes total. A bunch of scenes seem like they exist just for the excuse of the music backing (if you heard the whole "bits of this movie are just like an extended music video" uh...yeah that sounds about right).
The main characters are introduced twice I'm pretty sure. First in the Belle Reve prison sequence where the asshole warden goes around and taunts and fucks with them, then again with this big flashy neon literally Borderlands-style cutaway vignettes. Big cartoon text that tells everyone what a badass they are.
Killer Croc has like ten lines, credit to him at least five of them were good. Slipnot is introduced with no backstory then killed off in ten minutes. Katana just shows up with no explanation as to why she's there or what her connection is (she's there to watch Flag's back apparently) but that's okay because Flag goes "you're late" and then there's a flashback to her in Japan killing dudes who killed her husband. Will Smith does his best and is legitimately a good part of the movie but holy shit.
And God the story. The story. We flash from ENCHANTRESS VANISHED THEN REAPPEARED to ENCHANTRESS AND BRO to FLAG AND ENCHANTRESS ARE IN MIDWAY CITY DOING SOMETHING I'UNNO and then HOLY SHIT EVERYTHING'S FUCKED CALL IN THE SUICIDE SQUAD, I KNOW THEY'RE DENIABLE BUT LET'S JUST SURROUND THEM WITH DUDES IN UNIFORM.
Also Enchantress's brother is a straight up fucking Pillar Man, I'm not even joking.
But okay the story. The story. The story (such as it is) is that Amanda Waller takes the view that the world is poised on the brink of conflict and that the next war, the next great struggle will be decided by metahumans (and those with special skills I guess, 'cause Deadshot and Captain Boomerang are just implausibly good dudes also Captain Boomerang has a fetish for pink unicorns and it's important that the audience knows this 'cause it was in his quirky Borderlands intro BUT ANYWAY). So she shows off the Enchantress who's basically bodyjacked Professor June Moon. And Enchantress is lolpowerful but Waller keeps her in check 'cause she's got her heart in an explosive case and within easy stabbing range and plus she hooked up June with Flag so that Flag'll always be around to keep...an eye on her I guess?
Fuck I dunno.
Anyway during the briefing where she's getting trotted out for the Joint Chiefs of staff or whatever, y'know, Obligate Military Dudes of Rank, Enchantress realizes that the US Gov. has the little canoptic prison thing her brother's in too. Her Borderlands intro says he's an incubus but he's a ten foot tall flaming metal Mesoamerican giant so that's a load of shit. But anyway one night Enchantress steals control from Moon, pops over to Waller's place, steals her brother and pops him into a random civvie as a host. Apparently the two of them are super salty because the last time they were awake they tried to rule the humans as living gods but then they got overthrown and shoved in the jars.
So Enchantress is super salty about that and is like "WELL FINE IF THEY WORSHIP MACHINES NOW I'LL BUILD THE BEST MACHINE AND KILL THEM ALL". So she sends her brother out to gather his strength by melting/eating people with his metal tentacle things. Then uses that to survive having her heart stabbed a bunch somehow. But this is all really backdrop 'cause the Suicide Squad is sent in to evacuate a high value target which turns out to be Waller herself who stayed behind with some technicians and agents to study Enchantress and Bro's weird shoggoth-people army.
And then she shoots all those technicians and agents before she leaves because "they weren't cleared for any of it" despite working with her throughout the movie and in the background on basically all of it. And then the Joker, who's been running around in the background to try and get Harley back, shows up in their stolen evac chopper and kills a bunch of dudes but Waller tries to have Deadshot shoot Harley after her bomb-implant doesn't trigger (he misses on purpose) and then Waller has them both shot out of the sky because fuck them. Then Waller evacuates, gets shot out of the sky, and abducted by Shoggoth people so that the Enchantress can figure out what she's supposed to point her giant doom-machine at.
And then the Squad comes in and kills the brother and Enchantress dies but June Moon survives somehow so she and Flag can have a tearful reunion and then Waller survives somehow despite being hung upsidedown beneath the aforementioned exploded doom machine while being mindfondled and she drags them all back to prison with some perks.
And then the Joker shows up at the very end to break Harley out.
And then Bruce Wayne shows up in the stinger and protects Amanda Waller politically in return for information on the Justice League (Batman has a cameo in Harley and Deadshot's flashbacks, the Flash has one in Captain Boomerangs).
And God the tone is all over the fucking place. There's some legitimately good lines, mostly delivered by Will Smith or Margot Robbie (though Jai Courtney of all people is sorta fun to watch and delivers on a few gags). Flag calls Deadshot "a serial killer who takes credit cards" in a neat little exchange. Diablo's generally pretty chill. There's another bit where Flag is all dramatically and serious-faced "Now behold the voice of God."
*holds up a tablet*
*Shows a haggard looking Waller facetiming from a messy conference room, open boxes of half-eaten pizza on the table*
But then there's that scene in the bar where Diablo's like "I KILLED MY KIDS" and it's all dramatic and serious and I'm just thinking "what the fuck are you doing this is the same movie that had the Joker cat-growling half an hour ago". And the Squad itself is portrayed as being largely friendly with each other (except Katana who's just sorta there) and the way the dialogue goes at the end it's like it's trying to imply that they grew into a tight-knit family except for the fact that literally no development took place it was all just assumed.
And like.
Fuck me, y'know? Fuck me. I feel like the movie just ran through my living room in nothing but whipped cream, swinging a novelty dildo, before diving out the fucking window and I'm still just sitting here on the couch trying to figure out what just happened.
