JennyDracos
Eccentric Hugging Lady
- Location
- Chicago
No, Kaworu, that's not what he meant! Noooooooo!
Not yet is not no!
Not yet is not no!
Braver Than We Are (NGE Fanfic)
- Thread starter jcmoorehead
- Start date
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
Oh my!
If... If they actually slept together more than metaphorically, I'd have thought it would merit a scene of it's own. They're both virgins, aren't they? Or were? And it's a slightly emotionally significant moment for both.
headdesk.jpg
Shinji, you idiot.
We no how should you feel about being lied too period especially after last time period as painful as this is, this really is the better option for them.
- Location
- Edinburgh
Technically it did and it's over on my AO3 but it isn't something I can post here because of its explicit nature. It wasn't full on sex either, just oral/fingering.
As for the question, Kaworu is a virgin, Asuka isn't, she's had sex before but it was more of a one-night stand sort of affair.
Years Earlier
Tiny!Kaworu: "Mr. Kihl, where do babies come from?"
Kihl: "When all barriers that separate the hearts of mankind have fallen there will be no need for babies."
Tiny!Kaworu: "Okay!"
- Location
- Canada
Not to be indelicate but I don't think any of the kids got very good or positive sex ed. Kaworu would have gotten nothing save for what would help manipulate him. Shinji had his teacher who barely acknowledged his existence and Rei was most likely ignored as well. Asuka... well Asuka was raised in part by Kaji and Misato neither of whom is exactly an expert on sex or romance.
- Location
- Edinburgh
I imagine Kaworu would have had a hand selected tutor by SEELE would would have taught him the functional side at least. This is what humans do and how they reproduce, maybe enough for him to know it's something that is supposed to feel good but nothing more than that.
I'm not quite sure what Japanese sex education is like but yeah, I would imagine neither would have been taught very well by the people who brought them up until that point. I can't see Gendo/Fuyutsuki/Ritsuko taking Rei to one side to explain things.
We also know very little about Shinji's teacher, I always wonder if it was more that Shinji was barely acknowledged or Shinji didn't really make the effort, I know the manga has him staying with relatives and it's unclear what their attitude is. At the same time I can imagine it wasn't something discussed.
Shinji also seems to be quite uncomfortable about his own sexuality in the series, we see him sort of hide away from that sort of thing or get quite easily embarrassed about it so I do imagine his education on the subject wasn't great.
Experts on having it perhaps
I can't imagine either one of them being the sort to pull her to one side and teach her the birds and the bees though. I think with Asuka having the college education and her 'striving to be an adult' attitude she'll probably have looked into it by that point but she'll likely have only gotten half of it right and that'll contribute to a skewed view.
So yeah, I agree, I don't think their relationship/sexual education would have been too positive.
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
I don't think it would have even been that good. Rei and Kaworu are both in the hands of people who look at them as 'this is a clone with an expected lifespan of less than 10 years, meant to end the world. Why the frak would they even need to know?'
Shinji's 14 and raised by a sensei who was hilariously neglectful, and Shinji's general shyness and social awkwardness leaves him embarrassed about sex in most contexts, so he might have the bare technical understanding, he's not really equipped to talk about it easily.
Asuka might have the best knowledge base (a low bar!) just from her education and whatever spillover she got from Kaji and Misato, plus her (sadly) having apparently the only practical experience, too. But she's got her own issues on that front. Good to see them making headway against it, though!
Shinji's 14 and raised by a sensei who was hilariously neglectful, and Shinji's general shyness and social awkwardness leaves him embarrassed about sex in most contexts, so he might have the bare technical understanding, he's not really equipped to talk about it easily.
Asuka might have the best knowledge base (a low bar!) just from her education and whatever spillover she got from Kaji and Misato, plus her (sadly) having apparently the only practical experience, too. But she's got her own issues on that front. Good to see them making headway against it, though!
Chapter 13 - Realization - 1: Rei
- Location
- Edinburgh
30th September 2021 – Rei Ayanami
It is early evening when I return to the apartment and when I enter the front room I quickly realize that no one is home right now. This is fine, for now the silence and solitude suits me. I have had a particularly busy day at the school and then seeing Kodama for a couple of hours afterwards. Whilst I enjoy volunteering and I enjoy seeing Kodama even more the opportunity to return home and enjoy some time alone is a welcome one.
There might once have been a time when I would have been worried for Shinji not being home. He rarely went out, if ever up until a few weeks ago. The only time he would go out would be short trips or when there was a full group of us. Even then those would be rare occasions. Now, since he has started the rehearsals for the concert and gotten back in contact with Asuka he seems more confident and less reluctant to venture out. It pleases me that he is happy.
Naturally Misato is not home either. She did however mention that over the next couple of weeks she is intending on taking a short break. She even made an offer to take us away somewhere for a short holiday if we desire it. I am unsure if such a thing will be possible. With Shinji's commitments to the concert and my relationship with Kodama and the job in the school it would be difficult for us too.
All I would like is to see Misato more often. I certainly do not hold it against her that she has to work as late and as often as she does. I know she does it to ensure myself and Shinji have a home and I do believe that what she does is important. I do know she feels bad about it but she does not need to. I still would embrace the opportunity to see her more though.
At least she and both myself and Shinji are happy. This is likely to be the first time that we have all been happy and content. It is something I have wanted for so very long. I know that it is unlikely this happiness will last as it is forever, the way forward will not be simple. There will be issues and bumps in that road but we are happy for now and we should embrace that.
For me it is very simple things that are making me happy. Seeing my brother smiling so frequently, knowing that the bond between he and Asuka is being mended and of course my ongoing relationship with Kodama. This happiness is wonderful and it is strange to think that it was a feeling I did not know existed a few years ago.
I stretch myself out on the couch and wonder what I should do for the rest of the evening. Tonight is supposed to be my turn to prepare dinner but with Shinji still out and Misato not back yet it seems pointless to do anything right now. In addition I lack the motivation to do anything, perhaps I should just pay for something to be delivered instead.
I would go and get my laptop to look at potential places to order from but I am now lying on the sofa and very comfortable here. I did not realize how exhausted I was from seeing Kodama until I started to lie down. Perhaps I should do something else, I have been meaning to contact Asuka for a week or so now. I can do that whilst lying down.
I have not spoken to Asuka much since she and Shinji started to speak again. In a way I feel like I should give the two of them more time to speak and any time I speak to her would use up that time. I admittedly am still feeling quite ashamed of my actions leading up to the two of them speaking again. I know that both of them have said they forgive me and that it was fine but I still do not feel good about the situation.
I am also apprehensive about hearing more regarding her ongoing relationship with Nagisa. Having had more time to think about things I admit that perhaps I have been unfair regarding that situation. It has been nine months since he arrived at the emergence center and he has not done anything untoward. It has been confirmed to me that he is human and no trace of the Angel he was remains.
In addition he has been friends with Asuka for a couple of months and caused her no harm. If anything it has been he who has been hurt. He was the one who was attacked, it was something that I know we all feared would happen to each of us. We all played a role in the events leading up to Third Impact and we carry that with us each day. Yet deep down we all knew it was illogical to fear someone hurting us. Except… that very thing did happen to Nagisa.
Yet, I still cannot bring myself to trust him. I fear for Asuka's safety despite knowing that my friend is not likely to let anyone hurt her so easily. I also know that if she did not trust him then she would not let him get close to her. She would never have gotten involved with him.
I suppose another part of me feels some resentment towards that friendship too. It is illogical but I fear that her friendship with him could spell an end to her friendship with me, after all they live in the same city, and it is easier for the two of them to see one another. If she also has contact with Shinji again and re-develops that bond then where would that leave me?
I am an outsider, I always have been and I filled that gap for Asuka whilst she came to terms with who she was. Now she seems to have what she needs so my role is done, isn't it?
No, it isn't. I know this isn't true and yet I ask myself these questions. My friendship with Asuka is not over, nor will it be.
My other fear is that what she has with Kaworu seems to have developed into a romance with him. Perhaps it was wrong of me but I dislike this. I always envisioned Asuka and my brother being together. I know they have had their difficulties but there was always a strong bond between them that transcended being friends.
I was so certain within my heart that they would resolve these difficulties and finally begin that relationship. Therefore Asuka falling for another does not sit right with me. It does not feel right, especially when I am more than aware of my brother's feelings for her. I can only imagine how heartbroken he'll be when he finds out.
I try to rid my head of these thoughts. It is not right of me to think such things. Asuka and Shinji are both adults and it is not up to me to think in such a way. My brother will have other opportunities to find love as time goes on and Asuka deserves love and happiness as well. I should be supportive of Asuka's choices and if Shinji is hurt then I will be there to support him as well.
I pull my phone out of my pocket but as I so I hear the door to the apartment opening. I listen for the voice and hear a mumbled 'I'm home' from Shinji. Immediately the tone of his voice makes me worry.
"Welcome home!" I call back to him, sit up and listen as he makes his way through the corridor and into the front room. As he enters I can see that I was not wrong to be concerned. He is visibly upset about something.
I stand up, "Shinji, is everything okay?"
Shinji looks at me, his mouth open ever so slightly. He closes his mouth and I see him swallow before he finally shakes his head, "No… I… I spoke to Kaworu…"
I move around to him quickly and hug him tightly. I say nothing to him but already my mind is jumping to what feared. Shinji has found out that Asuka and Nagisa are romantically involved and it has hurt him deeply. I remain silent as I release him from the hug and watch as he wipes his eye. I gently guide him towards the couch and sit him down. I sit down on the seat opposite and take his hand.
He takes a few moments to compose himself, "I… It was my own fault…"
"What do you mean?" I ask curiously.
"Asuka… We were talking and she said that maybe I should speak to Kaworu sometime." Shinji shakes his head after he speaks, "I… I was an idiot though. I just went right ahead and did it. I didn't think about what I wanted to say or what might happen, I just charged in and called him!"
"I see." I stroke his hand with my thumb to comfort him. This would admittedly not be the first time my brother has been impulsive at an incorrect moment. I suppose at least the consequences are less dire this time around, "I presume that things did not go as you expected?"
"I don't know what I was expecting." Shinji shrugs, "He… He apologized to me though."
"That is a good thing then." I reply to him whilst also making an attempt to push my own personal feelings for Nagisa to one side. Whilst I have recognized that I might have been unfair towards him it is still going to take some time for me to see him as anything other than a threat.
In truth this situation is not going to help that, clearly something has happened between them to upset my brothers. Now is not an appropriate time for my misgivings though. Shinji needs me support and not my feelings about Nagisa.
"I'm sorry Rei." Shinji lowers his head, "I'm so stupid. I should have waited and spoke to Asuka more about what to say. I should have come to you and Misato. I… I don't know what I was thinking, I thought it'd be easy but…"
I squeeze his hand and quickly move to cut him off, "Shinji, you are not stupid. You are your own person and free to make decisions by yourself. You do not need permission from myself or Misato.
"I know that Rei I just…" he lets out a sigh, "If I had spoken to you or Misato first I could have worked out what to say to him. If I had spoken to Asuka first she could have arranged it with him for us to speak so he'd be prepared. Instead I… I just made a mess of it…"
I raise a curious eyebrow, "Did you argue when you spoke?"
Shinji shakes his head, "No, we didn't. If we had then… maybe this'd have been easier."
"Then tell me what happened." I say to him.
"I called him and… I didn't really know what to say. I… I started by asking if he was really human now, I guess… I had heard it from you and Asuka and I had no reason to doubt it but I wanted to hear it from him."
I nod, I can understand that. Whilst it is one thing to hear about something it means more to have confirmation from the person themselves, "I understand your desire to hear him say that. Did his answer satisfy you?"
"I guess…" Shinji shrugs again, "After that though I couldn't really think of anything else to say. I wanted to tell him how I felt but the truth is I didn't know. I wish I could have just yelled at him or something and told him I hated him for what he did to me..."
"That is not who you are though." I tell Shinji, "Also I do not feel that you hate Nagisa."
"No… I don't. If I did then it'd have been easier but I don't because I don't understand. I don't know why he did what he did, I don't know what he was or who he really was." Shinji lets out another sigh, "So… I thought… maybe I could ask him. I asked him if he really was my friend all those years ago."
"And what was his reply?"
"He was actually honest with me." Shinji half smiles as he speaks, "He said he wasn't supposed to be my friend at first. He actually told me the truth, that he was sent to befriend me as part of his mission but as time went on his feelings changed."
"Yet he still betrayed you…" I try to hide the venom in my voice as I speak but I fear I am unable to do so.
"I know…. He tried to explain that as well. Mentioned his mission and that he was unable to stop it." Shinji shakes his head, "I… I didn't really understand it. He said he wanted to explain it all to me. He said he'd like another chance to be friends with me."
"What did you say?"
Shinji looks at me, "I said no. I told him no and… then he hung up. I think I hurt him Rei, I actually upset him and made him cry. I did a bad thing."
"No." I take Shinji's hand in both of mine, "You did not do a bad thing. You did what was right for you at the time. If you did not feel you were able to be friends with him then you were correct in telling him such a thing."
"But he was crying Rei…"
"Sometimes the truth can hurt a person." I reply, "Both me and you know this but a lie can hurt a person more."
"I just…" Shinji lowered his eyes again, "Asuka wanted me to give him a chance and wanted us to be friends. I… I upset him and she's going to be angry at me because of it. I should have waited and figured things out, I shouldn't have rushed it like that."
"What you could or should have done does not matter now. It has already been done." For a moment I wonder if my words were appropriate and will not just upset him more. I continue to speak, "What matter is how you move forward."
"I don't know what to do now though…" Shinji replies, "Asuka is going to be angry at me."
"No, she will not be angry. I am sure that Asuka will understand what has happened." I tell him, "She will see that it is a situation that can be resolved."
"How though?" Shinji asks me, "I upset him, I doubt he'd want to speak to me again."
"I do not know, perhaps it is not a situation that can be resolved quickly." I reply, "Perhaps it is something that will take time for you both."
"Do you think I should have forgiven him?"
"No. I do not, at least not until you learned the truth. Remember that Nagisa's actions did not just hurt you, he did not just betray you but he also put this planet at risk. Whilst he may have been acting under the influence of another he was still aware…"
I trail off as I come to a sudden realization. Nagisa's situation is not a unique one, there has been another who has been in that position. That person is myself. I was under the influence of our father for many years, I lied about who I was and my actions hurt others and put this planet at risk.
I nearly betrayed them all for that scenario until the last minute when I decided to betray our father. Even than it was too late to truly stop things from happening. I could have stopped it sooner but I did not. Shinji and the others know all of this and they forgave me.
Myself and Nagisa, we are similar. I've condemned him despite myself being guilty of the same acts. I painted him as evil and manipulative and why? The only difference between he and I is that he could speak to people whilst I wasn't able to. Maybe I've always known this and that's why I condemn him so much. What if someone were to condemn me liken that though? Perhaps people already have done. The thought makes me feel sick.
I let out a sigh of my own not quite know what I should say to Shinji. I have no words to say anymore. Instead I move over beside him and pull him into another hug.
"What should I do Rei?" I hear him ask me.
I do not know what advice I should give to my brother. I no longer feel I am qualified to give him advice regarding Nagisa considering how I myself have acted. Yet I feel I must say something, I want to help my brother be happy. I want to try to salvage this situation.
"I believe… it would be worthwhile listening to what he has to say." I finally reply, "You do not have to do it now or this week but you should listen to him. You should explain to him why you feel you can't forgive him yet but you might be able to. You should be honest with him.
"Do you think he will understand?"
I nod, "If he really does want forgiveness and to be friends with you again then yes… I do."
It is early evening when I return to the apartment and when I enter the front room I quickly realize that no one is home right now. This is fine, for now the silence and solitude suits me. I have had a particularly busy day at the school and then seeing Kodama for a couple of hours afterwards. Whilst I enjoy volunteering and I enjoy seeing Kodama even more the opportunity to return home and enjoy some time alone is a welcome one.
There might once have been a time when I would have been worried for Shinji not being home. He rarely went out, if ever up until a few weeks ago. The only time he would go out would be short trips or when there was a full group of us. Even then those would be rare occasions. Now, since he has started the rehearsals for the concert and gotten back in contact with Asuka he seems more confident and less reluctant to venture out. It pleases me that he is happy.
Naturally Misato is not home either. She did however mention that over the next couple of weeks she is intending on taking a short break. She even made an offer to take us away somewhere for a short holiday if we desire it. I am unsure if such a thing will be possible. With Shinji's commitments to the concert and my relationship with Kodama and the job in the school it would be difficult for us too.
All I would like is to see Misato more often. I certainly do not hold it against her that she has to work as late and as often as she does. I know she does it to ensure myself and Shinji have a home and I do believe that what she does is important. I do know she feels bad about it but she does not need to. I still would embrace the opportunity to see her more though.
At least she and both myself and Shinji are happy. This is likely to be the first time that we have all been happy and content. It is something I have wanted for so very long. I know that it is unlikely this happiness will last as it is forever, the way forward will not be simple. There will be issues and bumps in that road but we are happy for now and we should embrace that.
For me it is very simple things that are making me happy. Seeing my brother smiling so frequently, knowing that the bond between he and Asuka is being mended and of course my ongoing relationship with Kodama. This happiness is wonderful and it is strange to think that it was a feeling I did not know existed a few years ago.
I stretch myself out on the couch and wonder what I should do for the rest of the evening. Tonight is supposed to be my turn to prepare dinner but with Shinji still out and Misato not back yet it seems pointless to do anything right now. In addition I lack the motivation to do anything, perhaps I should just pay for something to be delivered instead.
I would go and get my laptop to look at potential places to order from but I am now lying on the sofa and very comfortable here. I did not realize how exhausted I was from seeing Kodama until I started to lie down. Perhaps I should do something else, I have been meaning to contact Asuka for a week or so now. I can do that whilst lying down.
I have not spoken to Asuka much since she and Shinji started to speak again. In a way I feel like I should give the two of them more time to speak and any time I speak to her would use up that time. I admittedly am still feeling quite ashamed of my actions leading up to the two of them speaking again. I know that both of them have said they forgive me and that it was fine but I still do not feel good about the situation.
I am also apprehensive about hearing more regarding her ongoing relationship with Nagisa. Having had more time to think about things I admit that perhaps I have been unfair regarding that situation. It has been nine months since he arrived at the emergence center and he has not done anything untoward. It has been confirmed to me that he is human and no trace of the Angel he was remains.
In addition he has been friends with Asuka for a couple of months and caused her no harm. If anything it has been he who has been hurt. He was the one who was attacked, it was something that I know we all feared would happen to each of us. We all played a role in the events leading up to Third Impact and we carry that with us each day. Yet deep down we all knew it was illogical to fear someone hurting us. Except… that very thing did happen to Nagisa.
Yet, I still cannot bring myself to trust him. I fear for Asuka's safety despite knowing that my friend is not likely to let anyone hurt her so easily. I also know that if she did not trust him then she would not let him get close to her. She would never have gotten involved with him.
I suppose another part of me feels some resentment towards that friendship too. It is illogical but I fear that her friendship with him could spell an end to her friendship with me, after all they live in the same city, and it is easier for the two of them to see one another. If she also has contact with Shinji again and re-develops that bond then where would that leave me?
I am an outsider, I always have been and I filled that gap for Asuka whilst she came to terms with who she was. Now she seems to have what she needs so my role is done, isn't it?
No, it isn't. I know this isn't true and yet I ask myself these questions. My friendship with Asuka is not over, nor will it be.
My other fear is that what she has with Kaworu seems to have developed into a romance with him. Perhaps it was wrong of me but I dislike this. I always envisioned Asuka and my brother being together. I know they have had their difficulties but there was always a strong bond between them that transcended being friends.
I was so certain within my heart that they would resolve these difficulties and finally begin that relationship. Therefore Asuka falling for another does not sit right with me. It does not feel right, especially when I am more than aware of my brother's feelings for her. I can only imagine how heartbroken he'll be when he finds out.
I try to rid my head of these thoughts. It is not right of me to think such things. Asuka and Shinji are both adults and it is not up to me to think in such a way. My brother will have other opportunities to find love as time goes on and Asuka deserves love and happiness as well. I should be supportive of Asuka's choices and if Shinji is hurt then I will be there to support him as well.
I pull my phone out of my pocket but as I so I hear the door to the apartment opening. I listen for the voice and hear a mumbled 'I'm home' from Shinji. Immediately the tone of his voice makes me worry.
"Welcome home!" I call back to him, sit up and listen as he makes his way through the corridor and into the front room. As he enters I can see that I was not wrong to be concerned. He is visibly upset about something.
I stand up, "Shinji, is everything okay?"
Shinji looks at me, his mouth open ever so slightly. He closes his mouth and I see him swallow before he finally shakes his head, "No… I… I spoke to Kaworu…"
I move around to him quickly and hug him tightly. I say nothing to him but already my mind is jumping to what feared. Shinji has found out that Asuka and Nagisa are romantically involved and it has hurt him deeply. I remain silent as I release him from the hug and watch as he wipes his eye. I gently guide him towards the couch and sit him down. I sit down on the seat opposite and take his hand.
He takes a few moments to compose himself, "I… It was my own fault…"
"What do you mean?" I ask curiously.
"Asuka… We were talking and she said that maybe I should speak to Kaworu sometime." Shinji shakes his head after he speaks, "I… I was an idiot though. I just went right ahead and did it. I didn't think about what I wanted to say or what might happen, I just charged in and called him!"
"I see." I stroke his hand with my thumb to comfort him. This would admittedly not be the first time my brother has been impulsive at an incorrect moment. I suppose at least the consequences are less dire this time around, "I presume that things did not go as you expected?"
"I don't know what I was expecting." Shinji shrugs, "He… He apologized to me though."
"That is a good thing then." I reply to him whilst also making an attempt to push my own personal feelings for Nagisa to one side. Whilst I have recognized that I might have been unfair towards him it is still going to take some time for me to see him as anything other than a threat.
In truth this situation is not going to help that, clearly something has happened between them to upset my brothers. Now is not an appropriate time for my misgivings though. Shinji needs me support and not my feelings about Nagisa.
"I'm sorry Rei." Shinji lowers his head, "I'm so stupid. I should have waited and spoke to Asuka more about what to say. I should have come to you and Misato. I… I don't know what I was thinking, I thought it'd be easy but…"
I squeeze his hand and quickly move to cut him off, "Shinji, you are not stupid. You are your own person and free to make decisions by yourself. You do not need permission from myself or Misato.
"I know that Rei I just…" he lets out a sigh, "If I had spoken to you or Misato first I could have worked out what to say to him. If I had spoken to Asuka first she could have arranged it with him for us to speak so he'd be prepared. Instead I… I just made a mess of it…"
I raise a curious eyebrow, "Did you argue when you spoke?"
Shinji shakes his head, "No, we didn't. If we had then… maybe this'd have been easier."
"Then tell me what happened." I say to him.
"I called him and… I didn't really know what to say. I… I started by asking if he was really human now, I guess… I had heard it from you and Asuka and I had no reason to doubt it but I wanted to hear it from him."
I nod, I can understand that. Whilst it is one thing to hear about something it means more to have confirmation from the person themselves, "I understand your desire to hear him say that. Did his answer satisfy you?"
"I guess…" Shinji shrugs again, "After that though I couldn't really think of anything else to say. I wanted to tell him how I felt but the truth is I didn't know. I wish I could have just yelled at him or something and told him I hated him for what he did to me..."
"That is not who you are though." I tell Shinji, "Also I do not feel that you hate Nagisa."
"No… I don't. If I did then it'd have been easier but I don't because I don't understand. I don't know why he did what he did, I don't know what he was or who he really was." Shinji lets out another sigh, "So… I thought… maybe I could ask him. I asked him if he really was my friend all those years ago."
"And what was his reply?"
"He was actually honest with me." Shinji half smiles as he speaks, "He said he wasn't supposed to be my friend at first. He actually told me the truth, that he was sent to befriend me as part of his mission but as time went on his feelings changed."
"Yet he still betrayed you…" I try to hide the venom in my voice as I speak but I fear I am unable to do so.
"I know…. He tried to explain that as well. Mentioned his mission and that he was unable to stop it." Shinji shakes his head, "I… I didn't really understand it. He said he wanted to explain it all to me. He said he'd like another chance to be friends with me."
"What did you say?"
Shinji looks at me, "I said no. I told him no and… then he hung up. I think I hurt him Rei, I actually upset him and made him cry. I did a bad thing."
"No." I take Shinji's hand in both of mine, "You did not do a bad thing. You did what was right for you at the time. If you did not feel you were able to be friends with him then you were correct in telling him such a thing."
"But he was crying Rei…"
"Sometimes the truth can hurt a person." I reply, "Both me and you know this but a lie can hurt a person more."
"I just…" Shinji lowered his eyes again, "Asuka wanted me to give him a chance and wanted us to be friends. I… I upset him and she's going to be angry at me because of it. I should have waited and figured things out, I shouldn't have rushed it like that."
"What you could or should have done does not matter now. It has already been done." For a moment I wonder if my words were appropriate and will not just upset him more. I continue to speak, "What matter is how you move forward."
"I don't know what to do now though…" Shinji replies, "Asuka is going to be angry at me."
"No, she will not be angry. I am sure that Asuka will understand what has happened." I tell him, "She will see that it is a situation that can be resolved."
"How though?" Shinji asks me, "I upset him, I doubt he'd want to speak to me again."
"I do not know, perhaps it is not a situation that can be resolved quickly." I reply, "Perhaps it is something that will take time for you both."
"Do you think I should have forgiven him?"
"No. I do not, at least not until you learned the truth. Remember that Nagisa's actions did not just hurt you, he did not just betray you but he also put this planet at risk. Whilst he may have been acting under the influence of another he was still aware…"
I trail off as I come to a sudden realization. Nagisa's situation is not a unique one, there has been another who has been in that position. That person is myself. I was under the influence of our father for many years, I lied about who I was and my actions hurt others and put this planet at risk.
I nearly betrayed them all for that scenario until the last minute when I decided to betray our father. Even than it was too late to truly stop things from happening. I could have stopped it sooner but I did not. Shinji and the others know all of this and they forgave me.
Myself and Nagisa, we are similar. I've condemned him despite myself being guilty of the same acts. I painted him as evil and manipulative and why? The only difference between he and I is that he could speak to people whilst I wasn't able to. Maybe I've always known this and that's why I condemn him so much. What if someone were to condemn me liken that though? Perhaps people already have done. The thought makes me feel sick.
I let out a sigh of my own not quite know what I should say to Shinji. I have no words to say anymore. Instead I move over beside him and pull him into another hug.
"What should I do Rei?" I hear him ask me.
I do not know what advice I should give to my brother. I no longer feel I am qualified to give him advice regarding Nagisa considering how I myself have acted. Yet I feel I must say something, I want to help my brother be happy. I want to try to salvage this situation.
"I believe… it would be worthwhile listening to what he has to say." I finally reply, "You do not have to do it now or this week but you should listen to him. You should explain to him why you feel you can't forgive him yet but you might be able to. You should be honest with him.
"Do you think he will understand?"
I nod, "If he really does want forgiveness and to be friends with you again then yes… I do."
Rei has transcended her pre-Impact apathy towards things and has embraced the humanity that is wanting to laze around the house and order delivery pizza.
Uh Rei, do you mean just visiting Kodama or is that a euphemism?
- Location
- Edinburgh
Lack the motivation is Rei-Speak for 'I can't be arsed'
Definitely the second one
Chapter 13 - Realization - 2: Asuka
- Location
- Edinburgh
Asuka Langley Soryu
God damn it, my hand hurts like hell! I close up the book and place it onto one of the piles near to me and wonder why the hell I agreed to do this. Up until now I've been so adamant about who I was as a writer. I've always made an effort to make sure there is no chance my pseudonym is revealed. I always said there would be no press appearances, no signings, no interviews and no social media. My publisher would release the book under the name I gave them and that was to be it.
Now, for some reason, I've agreed to sign five hundred copies of the first book and said that I'll sign five hundred copies of the second book too. So today I've been working through those copies of the first book. I had to come up with a signature for Mari Makinami, I figured something simple would do. It's not so much a signature really, more of a wiggly line with a smiley cat face above it.
It's all Kaworu's fault. He was the one who persuaded me to do this. I was going to say no to the publisher when they suggested it. I was going to suggest giving an anonymous donation or something to the charity. Kaworu on the other hand said I should do it. He appealed to my ego by informing me how much people would love to have an item signed by my hand. He also appealed to my heart on mentioning how much good publicity it would be for the charity.
What can I say, I have a soft spot for cheering up disadvantaged children. I can't imagine where that comes from. So I decided I'd do it, if it will genuinely help these children get the treatment they need not just physically but mentally then I want to help. I don't want there to be another child that grows up like I did out there.
I let out a loud yawn as I lean back in my seat. I've been tired all day, I suppose that hasn't made things much easier. I'm not sure if I can blame Kaworu for my tiredness though, after all I was the one who initiated things. Still, as I think back, the tiredness I'm feeling now is totally worth it.
Kaworu made me feel good and the best thing is that for once feeling good like that hasn't been accompanied by the usual shame and guilt I always feel. Instead… I feel happy, I feel content. I can still remember every detail of it too, I can remember how his hands felt as they ran themselves over my body. I can remember how his fingers felt as he touched me. I can remember the warmth I got from him and how he felt in my hands.
I shudder and feel myself blush as my mind continues to wander. If that is how good that feels then I can't imagine how good it would feel to make love to him. I blush some more as I shake my head, what the hell is happening to me? I'm fantasizing about making love to Kaworu in the middle of the day. I've changed over these last few months. Those walls I kept up around me have slowly started to come down without me realizing it.
I don't dislike knowing that though. I always kept them up before I feared what would happen if I let them down but… it isn't so bad. I'm in a place I never thought I deserved to be. I'm actually happy with who I am and my life. I actually know that people are my friend and I… I'm falling in love… no… I've fell in love.
I was never supposed to fall in love. I was never meant to let people in romantically. All that would happen is I'd get hurt by them. Yet I want to let Kaworu in, I want to let him in more. I want to continue to feel like this because I'm starting to realize that what Rei might actually have been right all those years. I am worth something and I do deserve to be happy.
I get up from the seat and head into the kitchen to pour myself a drink, just as I do I hear the front door open. A moment later Kaworu enters the room, I barely get a chance to look at him as he moved past me and mutters a greeting. I watch as he takes off his jacket and throws it onto the couch and sets his bag down roughly on the floor.
I slowly make my way towards him wondering what it is that could have upset him. This was only his second week of teaching piano but I wonder if it could really have been something during one of his lessons. Last week he was speaking about how pleasant everyone was and besides, they're paying him for these private lessons it isn't as if he has a classroom full of people to manage.
Perhaps then something has happened on the way home. I feel my chest tighten for a moment as my mind goes back to him being attacked a few weeks ago. It doesn't seem likely that he was attacked though, he didn't look hurt or anything when he got in, just upset.
I carefully path around the stacks of books and stand near the edge of the sofa, "Kaworu... Is everything alright?"
He turns to me and gives me a weak half-arsed smile, "It's fine, how was your day?"
He immediately turns away and reaches for his bag and starts rummaging through it, I frown at him, "Kaworu..."
Kaworu ignores me as he pulls out his books and sheet music from the bag. He throws them down somewhat angrily onto the coffee table and opens one of the books. If he thinks I'm just going to accept that he's 'fine' he has another thing coming. I sit next to him and put my finger under the cover of the book and flip it shut.
"Kaworu..." I then reach out with my hand and gently turn his head to face me, I can see his eyes widen as I narrow my own eyes at him, "Tell me what is wrong... or I'll..."
I don't even get the opportunity to come up with some vaguely creative threat that I'd never seriously carry out before he replies to me, "I spoke to Shinji today!"
I'm stunned into silence as I release my grip on Kaworu's chin. He turns and angrily opens his book again and gazes at the page. I take a moment to process what he has told me. Shinji... Shinji, you idiot! You absolute idiot! When I said you should speak to Kaworu I didn't mean you should call him straight away! You... You absolutely goddamn idiot!
"Oh... Did you?" I finally reply through gritted teeth.
Kaworu nods in frustration, "Yes, he called me this morning just after I had finished my first lesson. He said that... you told him to contact me."
This is... new, I don't think I've heard Kaworu sound annoyed like this before, at least outside of when we're playing games anyway. I didn't really think it was possible for Kaworu to be angry like this. I watch for a moment as he flips a page of the book. It'd be amusing if I myself wasn't angry at this.
"Oh... Did he?" I make no attempt to hide my own annoyance at the situation, "And what exactly did Shinji have to say?"
"He wanted to know if I was really human and I told him." Kaworu's voice sounds strained as he speaks, I can hear the anger in it but I can also hear his voice cracking, "I said to him I was and I tried to apologize for what happened. I... I asked him if I could explain things to him and if I might have another chance to be friends. He said no."
Kaworu immediately drops his head as he says that last line and I see his other hand clench itself into a fist as he brings it down onto his knee. I feel my own anger subside as I reach out and place my hand onto Kaworu's leg and rub gently.
This is not how I had expected their first conversation to go nor how I wanted it to go. I also did not expect Shinji to contact Kaworu so soon after I suggested it. I was hoping that perhaps he would wait a day or two or even speak to me and Rei about it first. Damn it Shinji, why do you have to be impulsive at just the wrong moments?
"I think..." Kaworu finally looks up, "I think it would be best if I were to not go to Japan with you in December. I know it was your wish for me to be there and for me and Shinji to be friends but I fear that would not be possible. I am sorry but what I did appears to be unforgivable."
"No." I squeeze his leg in comfort, "It isn't..."
"Yes." Kaworu turns to look at me, "It is, I am sorry but I was a fool to think I could be forgiven. I hurt Shinji with my actions. I didn't just hurt him, I betrayed him when he had nothing, I offered him friendship and then took it away from him. I do not deserve his forgiveness, I'm angry at myself for even thinking I did."
"Kaworu, you can't..." I try to speak softly to calm him down.
"No!" He interrupts me, "I shouldn't have deluded myself into thinking I."
"Stop it!" It's my turn to cut him off sharply, "Just stop it! You aren't deluded and you will be coming to Japan with me!"
"But he hates me!" Kaworu snaps back, "If I'm there with you then all I'll do is end up doing is causing more pain for him. I'll just be a distraction. I don't want to hurt him any more than I have done!"
Damn it Shinji, just what the hell did you say to Kaworu to make him act like this? What the hell did Kaworu say to you for this to happen? I thought you were going to hear him out and talk to him properly so what caused this? Did you just jump in without thinking? Is that it? No matter what Kaworu tells me I know you don't hate him, I know you wanted to mend this. I could hear it in your voice when I spoke to you, I know how the two of you feel about each other!
I put my arm around Kaworu and remain silent as I try to figure out just how to fix this. At the same time, the last thought I had rings through my head. It's true, I do know exactly how Kaworu feels about Shinji and I know how Shinji feels about him as well. It's the same thing that did feel for Shinji and it's the thing that I feel for Kaworu right now. Love, it is love that I feel for Kaworu and it is love that they have for one another.
The thought of it frightens me and there is a darker part of me that thinks that maybe I should embrace and maybe even encourage this division. Maybe I should just let Kaworu give up on attaining forgiveness from Shinji and maybe I should tell Shinji to not try to contact Kaworu. If I do… then I get to keep Kaworu, I get to stay happy and I don't have to fear the inevitable. Let's be honest, Shinji is a much better person than I could ever hope to be.
That part of me is still waiting for what it thinks is inevitable. For Kaworu to realize the so-called truth and abandon me. It was there from the beginning of our friendship and as we've grown closer it's continued to be there.
No, I can't let myself think things like that. I can't continue to see myself as that person anymore. I'm not that person. I'm not the Asuka I was all those years ago. I'm not a bad person and I'm not going to suddenly transform into that.
As for Kaworu, I shouldn't fear him suddenly leaving me. I know he won't leave me like that. I know his feelings for me are true. I know how he feels for me. Besides… I have to help fix this, it's my fault it happened in the first place. I don't really know how to fix it but I will.
I let out a sigh, I guess I need to know more, "Look… This can be fixed, just… start from the beginning. Tell me exactly what happened."
He closes his book in irritation, "I don't see what the point is he…"
"Just humour me Kaworu."
"Okay." He nods, "I finished my first lesson and then after it I got a phonecall. I answered it and it was Shinji, he said you gave him my number and told him to contact me."
"Yes, that is true." I nod as I reply, not making much of an effort to hide my own annoyance, "I said that he should speak to you. I didn't… think he'd do it right away though."
"You didn't?" Kaworu asks me.
"Of course not!" I shake my head, "I only suggested it to him and said it'd be good if he spoke to you about what had happened. I had told him we were friends and figured that it'd be good for you both to speak before we go over there! I thought that maybe he'd use his brain and talk to others first or take the time to think about it."
"I see." Kaworu leans back in the seat, "That does explain why he was struggling for something to say."
"So…" I pause for a moment, "Shinji asked you if you were human and you said yes. Then what?"
"I told him I was, he seemed to accept that." Kaworu explains, "After that he… didn't really say anything else so I tried to tell him things about me."
Kaworu leans forward again and idly plays with the corner of the book, "I didn't really know where to start. There is a lot about me he didn't know and it's hard to organize it all when you're put on the spot like that."
I move my hand to his back and rub it gently, "So what did you tell him?"
Kaworu shrugs, "I told him that I had a mission and that part of that mission was to befriend him. I… I said I'd like to tell him more and then I apologized to him again for what I did and what I put him through."
"And then what?"
"I asked him if…" Kaworu pauses for a moment and I see his angry demenour start to drop. He takes a moment to compose himself and I ready myself for what will happen next, "I asked maybe it would be possible to be friends again. I said that I'd like to explain everything to him about who I was and what I was. I… I asked him to be honest.
Kaworu turns to me at this point as he speaks, his voice becoming more ragged with each word. I watch as a tear slowly starts to trickle down his cheek. I reach up and gently wipe it away with my thumb. I'm slowly starting to see where things might have gone wrong now.
I remain quiet as once again Kaworu begins to speak, "He said… he was sorry but he couldn't…"
Another tear falls down his cheek and I wrap an arm around him and pull him close to me. I run my hand through his hair, "I… I couldn't stand to hear him say anything else so I just told him he didn't have to explain and then I ended the call."
"It's alright." I say softly as I continue to run my hand through his hair. I'm still trying to figure out how I can solve this. I didn't their first conversation to happen like this. I'm not so stupid as to expect it to be resolved in one day but I certainly didn't expect this.
"Did you try to call him back afterwards?" I ask Kaworu out of curiosity.
I feel him shake his head, "No… I felt that he would not want to speak to me so I thought it would be better for me to focus on the rest of my day."
"And… Shinji didn't try to call you again either, did he?" I ask, just to make sure.
"No, which confirmed to me that he did not wish to speak to me." Kaworu answers.
I nod, it's not too dissimilar to how I've acted in the past. Not getting in contact because I thought they wouldn't want to speak to me and then having that theory confirmed by them not contacting me. I know Shinji, he'll probably have been feeling the same thing. I know… I know he wants to fix this. He'll be regretting what happened just as much as Kaworu.
I have to fix this. I can't let the same thing that happened to me and Shinji happen to these two. I can't let them repeat my mistake. I'm not going to let them both spend five years wondering about the other. This has to be resolved.
I feel Kaworu shift himself, he looks me in the eye, all the annoyance of before is now gone. He looks almost puppy like in his sadness, "So you understand, I cannot go to Japan now. I would be…"
I place my hand on his chin and lean in quickly to kiss him on the lips in an effort to silence him. I pull away and stare deeply into his eyes and let myself smile, "Kaworu… You are going to come to Japan with me. I'll speak to Rei later on and find out what is happening to Shinji. I'll set it up so you can explain things to him properly at the very least."
"What if you can't do that? What if he doesn't want to?"
"Kaworu…" I kiss him again, "I'm Asuka Langley Soryu, I can do anything."
"T-Thank you…" He finally smiles and then he leans in to kiss me. His lips meet mine and my mouth parts slightly to allow my tongue to explore his mouth. I feel his hand rest itself on my side and I allow him to carefully position himself on top of me on the couch. I smile up at him as he pulls away and looks at me, "I… I am so thankful to you Asuka. I don't know what I would have done these past few months without you. I just… I want a chance to explain things to him and say I'm sorry."
"I know Kaworu…" I nod, "And I'll make sure you get that. What happened today… I made a mistake in telling him to contact you. I should have expected him to do that but… it can be fixed."
"I hope so. Again, thank you… thank you Asuka. I… I love you, from the bottom of my heart."
For a brief moment I'm actually stunned into silence by his words. I feel the sensation of butterflies in my stomach. He… He loves me and… he actually said it. I feel myself grin as I wrap one arm around him and run my free hand along his side, "I love you too Kaworu."
God damn it, my hand hurts like hell! I close up the book and place it onto one of the piles near to me and wonder why the hell I agreed to do this. Up until now I've been so adamant about who I was as a writer. I've always made an effort to make sure there is no chance my pseudonym is revealed. I always said there would be no press appearances, no signings, no interviews and no social media. My publisher would release the book under the name I gave them and that was to be it.
Now, for some reason, I've agreed to sign five hundred copies of the first book and said that I'll sign five hundred copies of the second book too. So today I've been working through those copies of the first book. I had to come up with a signature for Mari Makinami, I figured something simple would do. It's not so much a signature really, more of a wiggly line with a smiley cat face above it.
It's all Kaworu's fault. He was the one who persuaded me to do this. I was going to say no to the publisher when they suggested it. I was going to suggest giving an anonymous donation or something to the charity. Kaworu on the other hand said I should do it. He appealed to my ego by informing me how much people would love to have an item signed by my hand. He also appealed to my heart on mentioning how much good publicity it would be for the charity.
What can I say, I have a soft spot for cheering up disadvantaged children. I can't imagine where that comes from. So I decided I'd do it, if it will genuinely help these children get the treatment they need not just physically but mentally then I want to help. I don't want there to be another child that grows up like I did out there.
I let out a loud yawn as I lean back in my seat. I've been tired all day, I suppose that hasn't made things much easier. I'm not sure if I can blame Kaworu for my tiredness though, after all I was the one who initiated things. Still, as I think back, the tiredness I'm feeling now is totally worth it.
Kaworu made me feel good and the best thing is that for once feeling good like that hasn't been accompanied by the usual shame and guilt I always feel. Instead… I feel happy, I feel content. I can still remember every detail of it too, I can remember how his hands felt as they ran themselves over my body. I can remember how his fingers felt as he touched me. I can remember the warmth I got from him and how he felt in my hands.
I shudder and feel myself blush as my mind continues to wander. If that is how good that feels then I can't imagine how good it would feel to make love to him. I blush some more as I shake my head, what the hell is happening to me? I'm fantasizing about making love to Kaworu in the middle of the day. I've changed over these last few months. Those walls I kept up around me have slowly started to come down without me realizing it.
I don't dislike knowing that though. I always kept them up before I feared what would happen if I let them down but… it isn't so bad. I'm in a place I never thought I deserved to be. I'm actually happy with who I am and my life. I actually know that people are my friend and I… I'm falling in love… no… I've fell in love.
I was never supposed to fall in love. I was never meant to let people in romantically. All that would happen is I'd get hurt by them. Yet I want to let Kaworu in, I want to let him in more. I want to continue to feel like this because I'm starting to realize that what Rei might actually have been right all those years. I am worth something and I do deserve to be happy.
I get up from the seat and head into the kitchen to pour myself a drink, just as I do I hear the front door open. A moment later Kaworu enters the room, I barely get a chance to look at him as he moved past me and mutters a greeting. I watch as he takes off his jacket and throws it onto the couch and sets his bag down roughly on the floor.
I slowly make my way towards him wondering what it is that could have upset him. This was only his second week of teaching piano but I wonder if it could really have been something during one of his lessons. Last week he was speaking about how pleasant everyone was and besides, they're paying him for these private lessons it isn't as if he has a classroom full of people to manage.
Perhaps then something has happened on the way home. I feel my chest tighten for a moment as my mind goes back to him being attacked a few weeks ago. It doesn't seem likely that he was attacked though, he didn't look hurt or anything when he got in, just upset.
I carefully path around the stacks of books and stand near the edge of the sofa, "Kaworu... Is everything alright?"
He turns to me and gives me a weak half-arsed smile, "It's fine, how was your day?"
He immediately turns away and reaches for his bag and starts rummaging through it, I frown at him, "Kaworu..."
Kaworu ignores me as he pulls out his books and sheet music from the bag. He throws them down somewhat angrily onto the coffee table and opens one of the books. If he thinks I'm just going to accept that he's 'fine' he has another thing coming. I sit next to him and put my finger under the cover of the book and flip it shut.
"Kaworu..." I then reach out with my hand and gently turn his head to face me, I can see his eyes widen as I narrow my own eyes at him, "Tell me what is wrong... or I'll..."
I don't even get the opportunity to come up with some vaguely creative threat that I'd never seriously carry out before he replies to me, "I spoke to Shinji today!"
I'm stunned into silence as I release my grip on Kaworu's chin. He turns and angrily opens his book again and gazes at the page. I take a moment to process what he has told me. Shinji... Shinji, you idiot! You absolute idiot! When I said you should speak to Kaworu I didn't mean you should call him straight away! You... You absolutely goddamn idiot!
"Oh... Did you?" I finally reply through gritted teeth.
Kaworu nods in frustration, "Yes, he called me this morning just after I had finished my first lesson. He said that... you told him to contact me."
This is... new, I don't think I've heard Kaworu sound annoyed like this before, at least outside of when we're playing games anyway. I didn't really think it was possible for Kaworu to be angry like this. I watch for a moment as he flips a page of the book. It'd be amusing if I myself wasn't angry at this.
"Oh... Did he?" I make no attempt to hide my own annoyance at the situation, "And what exactly did Shinji have to say?"
"He wanted to know if I was really human and I told him." Kaworu's voice sounds strained as he speaks, I can hear the anger in it but I can also hear his voice cracking, "I said to him I was and I tried to apologize for what happened. I... I asked him if I could explain things to him and if I might have another chance to be friends. He said no."
Kaworu immediately drops his head as he says that last line and I see his other hand clench itself into a fist as he brings it down onto his knee. I feel my own anger subside as I reach out and place my hand onto Kaworu's leg and rub gently.
This is not how I had expected their first conversation to go nor how I wanted it to go. I also did not expect Shinji to contact Kaworu so soon after I suggested it. I was hoping that perhaps he would wait a day or two or even speak to me and Rei about it first. Damn it Shinji, why do you have to be impulsive at just the wrong moments?
"I think..." Kaworu finally looks up, "I think it would be best if I were to not go to Japan with you in December. I know it was your wish for me to be there and for me and Shinji to be friends but I fear that would not be possible. I am sorry but what I did appears to be unforgivable."
"No." I squeeze his leg in comfort, "It isn't..."
"Yes." Kaworu turns to look at me, "It is, I am sorry but I was a fool to think I could be forgiven. I hurt Shinji with my actions. I didn't just hurt him, I betrayed him when he had nothing, I offered him friendship and then took it away from him. I do not deserve his forgiveness, I'm angry at myself for even thinking I did."
"Kaworu, you can't..." I try to speak softly to calm him down.
"No!" He interrupts me, "I shouldn't have deluded myself into thinking I."
"Stop it!" It's my turn to cut him off sharply, "Just stop it! You aren't deluded and you will be coming to Japan with me!"
"But he hates me!" Kaworu snaps back, "If I'm there with you then all I'll do is end up doing is causing more pain for him. I'll just be a distraction. I don't want to hurt him any more than I have done!"
Damn it Shinji, just what the hell did you say to Kaworu to make him act like this? What the hell did Kaworu say to you for this to happen? I thought you were going to hear him out and talk to him properly so what caused this? Did you just jump in without thinking? Is that it? No matter what Kaworu tells me I know you don't hate him, I know you wanted to mend this. I could hear it in your voice when I spoke to you, I know how the two of you feel about each other!
I put my arm around Kaworu and remain silent as I try to figure out just how to fix this. At the same time, the last thought I had rings through my head. It's true, I do know exactly how Kaworu feels about Shinji and I know how Shinji feels about him as well. It's the same thing that did feel for Shinji and it's the thing that I feel for Kaworu right now. Love, it is love that I feel for Kaworu and it is love that they have for one another.
The thought of it frightens me and there is a darker part of me that thinks that maybe I should embrace and maybe even encourage this division. Maybe I should just let Kaworu give up on attaining forgiveness from Shinji and maybe I should tell Shinji to not try to contact Kaworu. If I do… then I get to keep Kaworu, I get to stay happy and I don't have to fear the inevitable. Let's be honest, Shinji is a much better person than I could ever hope to be.
That part of me is still waiting for what it thinks is inevitable. For Kaworu to realize the so-called truth and abandon me. It was there from the beginning of our friendship and as we've grown closer it's continued to be there.
No, I can't let myself think things like that. I can't continue to see myself as that person anymore. I'm not that person. I'm not the Asuka I was all those years ago. I'm not a bad person and I'm not going to suddenly transform into that.
As for Kaworu, I shouldn't fear him suddenly leaving me. I know he won't leave me like that. I know his feelings for me are true. I know how he feels for me. Besides… I have to help fix this, it's my fault it happened in the first place. I don't really know how to fix it but I will.
I let out a sigh, I guess I need to know more, "Look… This can be fixed, just… start from the beginning. Tell me exactly what happened."
He closes his book in irritation, "I don't see what the point is he…"
"Just humour me Kaworu."
"Okay." He nods, "I finished my first lesson and then after it I got a phonecall. I answered it and it was Shinji, he said you gave him my number and told him to contact me."
"Yes, that is true." I nod as I reply, not making much of an effort to hide my own annoyance, "I said that he should speak to you. I didn't… think he'd do it right away though."
"You didn't?" Kaworu asks me.
"Of course not!" I shake my head, "I only suggested it to him and said it'd be good if he spoke to you about what had happened. I had told him we were friends and figured that it'd be good for you both to speak before we go over there! I thought that maybe he'd use his brain and talk to others first or take the time to think about it."
"I see." Kaworu leans back in the seat, "That does explain why he was struggling for something to say."
"So…" I pause for a moment, "Shinji asked you if you were human and you said yes. Then what?"
"I told him I was, he seemed to accept that." Kaworu explains, "After that he… didn't really say anything else so I tried to tell him things about me."
Kaworu leans forward again and idly plays with the corner of the book, "I didn't really know where to start. There is a lot about me he didn't know and it's hard to organize it all when you're put on the spot like that."
I move my hand to his back and rub it gently, "So what did you tell him?"
Kaworu shrugs, "I told him that I had a mission and that part of that mission was to befriend him. I… I said I'd like to tell him more and then I apologized to him again for what I did and what I put him through."
"And then what?"
"I asked him if…" Kaworu pauses for a moment and I see his angry demenour start to drop. He takes a moment to compose himself and I ready myself for what will happen next, "I asked maybe it would be possible to be friends again. I said that I'd like to explain everything to him about who I was and what I was. I… I asked him to be honest.
Kaworu turns to me at this point as he speaks, his voice becoming more ragged with each word. I watch as a tear slowly starts to trickle down his cheek. I reach up and gently wipe it away with my thumb. I'm slowly starting to see where things might have gone wrong now.
I remain quiet as once again Kaworu begins to speak, "He said… he was sorry but he couldn't…"
Another tear falls down his cheek and I wrap an arm around him and pull him close to me. I run my hand through his hair, "I… I couldn't stand to hear him say anything else so I just told him he didn't have to explain and then I ended the call."
"It's alright." I say softly as I continue to run my hand through his hair. I'm still trying to figure out how I can solve this. I didn't their first conversation to happen like this. I'm not so stupid as to expect it to be resolved in one day but I certainly didn't expect this.
"Did you try to call him back afterwards?" I ask Kaworu out of curiosity.
I feel him shake his head, "No… I felt that he would not want to speak to me so I thought it would be better for me to focus on the rest of my day."
"And… Shinji didn't try to call you again either, did he?" I ask, just to make sure.
"No, which confirmed to me that he did not wish to speak to me." Kaworu answers.
I nod, it's not too dissimilar to how I've acted in the past. Not getting in contact because I thought they wouldn't want to speak to me and then having that theory confirmed by them not contacting me. I know Shinji, he'll probably have been feeling the same thing. I know… I know he wants to fix this. He'll be regretting what happened just as much as Kaworu.
I have to fix this. I can't let the same thing that happened to me and Shinji happen to these two. I can't let them repeat my mistake. I'm not going to let them both spend five years wondering about the other. This has to be resolved.
I feel Kaworu shift himself, he looks me in the eye, all the annoyance of before is now gone. He looks almost puppy like in his sadness, "So you understand, I cannot go to Japan now. I would be…"
I place my hand on his chin and lean in quickly to kiss him on the lips in an effort to silence him. I pull away and stare deeply into his eyes and let myself smile, "Kaworu… You are going to come to Japan with me. I'll speak to Rei later on and find out what is happening to Shinji. I'll set it up so you can explain things to him properly at the very least."
"What if you can't do that? What if he doesn't want to?"
"Kaworu…" I kiss him again, "I'm Asuka Langley Soryu, I can do anything."
"T-Thank you…" He finally smiles and then he leans in to kiss me. His lips meet mine and my mouth parts slightly to allow my tongue to explore his mouth. I feel his hand rest itself on my side and I allow him to carefully position himself on top of me on the couch. I smile up at him as he pulls away and looks at me, "I… I am so thankful to you Asuka. I don't know what I would have done these past few months without you. I just… I want a chance to explain things to him and say I'm sorry."
"I know Kaworu…" I nod, "And I'll make sure you get that. What happened today… I made a mistake in telling him to contact you. I should have expected him to do that but… it can be fixed."
"I hope so. Again, thank you… thank you Asuka. I… I love you, from the bottom of my heart."
For a brief moment I'm actually stunned into silence by his words. I feel the sensation of butterflies in my stomach. He… He loves me and… he actually said it. I feel myself grin as I wrap one arm around him and run my free hand along his side, "I love you too Kaworu."
"Why would that idiot just call Kaworu right after I told him to?"
Years earlier
"Shinji you idiot! I wanted chips now! Not next week!"
"Shinji this laundry won't fold itself!"
"Idiot! What are you waiting for Christmas?!"
Now
"Oh. Right."
- Location
- Edinburgh
JennyDracos
Eccentric Hugging Lady
- Location
- Chicago
Ooof, that realization. That one's a bitter one to swallow.
This. This is what I love about this fic. This is an Asuka who's started to heal, who knows how she screwed things up - and so she can realize when other people are doing the same thing.
(And all the hugs.)
YESSSSSSSSSS
Chapter 13 - Realization - 3: Rei
- Location
- Edinburgh
1st October 2021 - Rei Ayanami
I sit up and move the curtain to one side to gaze up at the moon. It is bright in the sky tonight, it is a beautiful sight and yet the is something disturbing about it. The brightness of the moon has also put emphasis on the streak of red that now crosses over it. As the years have gone on this streak has faded, it was at its worst when it just after Third Impact, now it is duller and it may one day go completely.
In a way I hope it doesn't, that blood red streak, as haunting as it is for me also serves as a reminder of what was avoided. There are of course more reminders on this earth, the red waters around Tokyo-3 and the city itself but the streak is one that all of humanity can see, no matter where in the world.
I can still remember that day so vividly, I remember standing in front of Lilith and hearing it call out to me. I remember the commander appearing and telling me it was time and then I heard the scream of Shinji. He was in such pain and in that brief moment I knew exactly what it was I had to do. I had to ease that pain, I had to stop his suffering.
I took Adam from the commander into myself and the unholy union of Adam and Lilith was complete. I would become akin to a god and let Shinji dictate the future of this world. Through this we were able to avert the loss of all mankind. It was not a simple process but I had faith that Shinji would make the right decision.
I close the curtain and look at the clock. It is now three in the morning, I came into my bedroom at half eleven with the intention of going to sleep. I thought that I would have no difficulties but since I came into my room the exhaustion that I had been feeling has now faded. It has been replaced by an energy that is fueled by the thoughts circling in my mind.
I find myself to be concerned for Shinji. Over the course of the evening his sadness at the events of the day did not fade. If anything, it just seemed to grow. I wish I could have helped him, I made an attempt to reassure him that things would be find but my attempts were a failure.
It is both disheartening and frustrating in equal measures. I wish that things could be so simple that they were able to be repaired in one evening. I know that the truth is things are rarely ever that easy. I told him so much myself. I told him that the situation between himself and Nagisa was not one that'd be quick to repair. Yet I find myself unable to accept my own words.
This situation with Nagisa is an eye opening one for me. It is forcing me to face memories and thoughts that I had locked away after I returned. I have, up until now, tried to think very little about what my role in the world was at that time. There have been many an occasion where I have been unable to do this, in those times I have been fortunate to have Asuka or Shinji to turn to.
When I look back on those times I see exactly what I was. I was a victim. Gendo Ikari brought me into this world not to be a person but to serve a purpose. The fact that I resembled a person mattered little to him, if anything it helped him develop his scenario. I was raised to not challenge my role in life, I was kept isolated and told that my only purpose was to keep to the scenario.
Shinji arrived one day and slowly my life changed. I started to see value in myself beyond being a puppet. Shortly afterwards Asuka arrived and we became a team. Thanks to her I also started to question my role in life, I started to realize that maybe what I wanted did matter.
Nagisa, you are the same as I am, aren't you? You were a being brought up to serve a particular purpose and not question your role. Unlike me you were unable to go against your role though. Maybe that is why I think I hate you, because you were unable to do what I did. How could you have done that though? You aren't me and you didn't have the same experiences I did.
Perhaps it is not just Shinji who should speak to Nagisa, perhaps I should speak to him as well. Since I have heard of his return I have done nothing but warn and be angry about him but I have not reached out to communicate with him to learn the truth. When others returned and saw me, they did not act that way towards me, they spoke to me and learned the truth of things. I owe Nagisa that same courtesy, I should be the one to speak to him.
I want to help to fix this situation between Shinji and Nagisa. I know that Asuka will want to fix it as well. As it is she is the only one out of all of us who knows the truth about Nagisa. She has tried to tell me before but I was unwilling to listen. I am willing to listen now, only I want to hear it from him. Perhaps if I know the truth myself then I can help Shinji to understand.
I pull up my phone to see what time it is in Germany. It is not too late over there and I know Asuka isn't the sort to go to bed early. I just hope that I am not interrupting anything between her and Nagisa. I know that with them starting a romantic relationship it is likely I might call them in the middle of certain activities. Still, I need to do this now, otherwise I will not sleep tonight.
I select Asuka's contact card and hold the phone to my ear. I hear the phone ring for a short while before she picks up, her voice sounds panicked, "Rei? Is everything alright? It's early in the morning over there isn't it?"
"Yes, everything is fine." I reply, "I am calling about the situation between Nagisa and Shinji?"
"Well, nothing like getting straight to the point." I hear her laugh, "I was actually going to call you tomorrow morning about it. Look… It seems like I'm saying this sort of thing a lot lately but I'm sorry. I was the one who told Shinji to contact Nagisa."
"Yes, I know." I say, "I do not believe you are to blame for this situation."
"I just didn't expect him to go straight ahead and do it. I thought that maybe he would…"
I finish her sentence for her, "Consult myself or Misato first?"
"Yes." Asuka confirms, "Of maybe he would talk to me a bit more about it."
"But he did not do that…"
"No… He didn't do that… I'm just used to him being more hesitant about things."
I smile, "You know what Shinji can be like…"
"Yeah… I know!" I hear her sigh, "I know damn well what he can be like. I know he probably thought it'd be better to do it right away. I know he probably thought that since I asked him to he should do it right away. God knows I demanded he do things right away when I lived with him, so why wouldn't he think that?"
"It is not your fault he did this." I make an effort to reassure her, whilst what she is saying has some truth to it I do not believe Shinji contacted Nagisa right away before of those memories. I just think it was an unfortunately thing, "Who or what is to blame does not matter now. What matters is that we resolved this. Shinji is upset by what happened. He fear that he will also have upset you, I assume that is not the case."
"Urgh, that idiot!" Asuka snaps back, "Of course that isn't the case! Does he really think that?"
"Yes he does."
"Yeah… Of course he does. I do feel bad for Kaworu but I'm not exactly angry at Shinji. It's not like I expected this to be an instant fix, I just didn't think it'd go this bad."
"Was Nagisa upset?" I ask.
"He was upset enough that he has said it'd be best if he didn't come to Japan in December." Asuka tells me, "I told him that he will definitely be coming to Japan."
"I see." I pause for a moment to take in this new information. I was not aware that Nagisa was intending to visit Japan in December. I feel like perhaps I should have expected it to do the ongoing romance between Asuka and Nagisa. This does complicate matters slightly, before knowing this I believe we had a good quantity of time to resolve the problem.
I was hoping to speak to him a couple of times over the next few weeks before getting him and Shinji to speak again. I will have to accelerate that process now. I am confident we can resolve the situation but I am unsure if we can do it by then. If not then where will that leave things for the concert?
"What if we are unable to resolve this by then?" I ask Asuka.
"Hah!" Asuka laughs, "Of course we will be able to resolve it! With the two of us guiding them we can't possibly fail! We just need to get the two of them to actually think about things properly."
Her reply gives me some confidence and I allow myself to smile, "Okay, I'll speak to Shinji in the morning. There is something I wanted to ask you though."
"Sure, what is it?"
"I… would like to speak to Nagisa myself." I make my request, "I feel I have been unfair towards him, and I would like to further understand who he is and also apologize to him."
"Apologize?" Asuka replies in confusion, "Rei, you haven't said anything to him. You have nothing to apologize for."
"Yeah I know." I say, "But I have said unpleasant things about him to yourself and I have not giving him a chance. I feel he should know of this and I should apologize."
"Okay fine. I'll speak to him tomorrow and get him to phone you. Is that good?"
"Yes, that would be fine. Thank you Asuka. I hope you have a good evening."
"Yeah, I will. Sleep well Rei."
I sit up and move the curtain to one side to gaze up at the moon. It is bright in the sky tonight, it is a beautiful sight and yet the is something disturbing about it. The brightness of the moon has also put emphasis on the streak of red that now crosses over it. As the years have gone on this streak has faded, it was at its worst when it just after Third Impact, now it is duller and it may one day go completely.
In a way I hope it doesn't, that blood red streak, as haunting as it is for me also serves as a reminder of what was avoided. There are of course more reminders on this earth, the red waters around Tokyo-3 and the city itself but the streak is one that all of humanity can see, no matter where in the world.
I can still remember that day so vividly, I remember standing in front of Lilith and hearing it call out to me. I remember the commander appearing and telling me it was time and then I heard the scream of Shinji. He was in such pain and in that brief moment I knew exactly what it was I had to do. I had to ease that pain, I had to stop his suffering.
I took Adam from the commander into myself and the unholy union of Adam and Lilith was complete. I would become akin to a god and let Shinji dictate the future of this world. Through this we were able to avert the loss of all mankind. It was not a simple process but I had faith that Shinji would make the right decision.
I close the curtain and look at the clock. It is now three in the morning, I came into my bedroom at half eleven with the intention of going to sleep. I thought that I would have no difficulties but since I came into my room the exhaustion that I had been feeling has now faded. It has been replaced by an energy that is fueled by the thoughts circling in my mind.
I find myself to be concerned for Shinji. Over the course of the evening his sadness at the events of the day did not fade. If anything, it just seemed to grow. I wish I could have helped him, I made an attempt to reassure him that things would be find but my attempts were a failure.
It is both disheartening and frustrating in equal measures. I wish that things could be so simple that they were able to be repaired in one evening. I know that the truth is things are rarely ever that easy. I told him so much myself. I told him that the situation between himself and Nagisa was not one that'd be quick to repair. Yet I find myself unable to accept my own words.
This situation with Nagisa is an eye opening one for me. It is forcing me to face memories and thoughts that I had locked away after I returned. I have, up until now, tried to think very little about what my role in the world was at that time. There have been many an occasion where I have been unable to do this, in those times I have been fortunate to have Asuka or Shinji to turn to.
When I look back on those times I see exactly what I was. I was a victim. Gendo Ikari brought me into this world not to be a person but to serve a purpose. The fact that I resembled a person mattered little to him, if anything it helped him develop his scenario. I was raised to not challenge my role in life, I was kept isolated and told that my only purpose was to keep to the scenario.
Shinji arrived one day and slowly my life changed. I started to see value in myself beyond being a puppet. Shortly afterwards Asuka arrived and we became a team. Thanks to her I also started to question my role in life, I started to realize that maybe what I wanted did matter.
Nagisa, you are the same as I am, aren't you? You were a being brought up to serve a particular purpose and not question your role. Unlike me you were unable to go against your role though. Maybe that is why I think I hate you, because you were unable to do what I did. How could you have done that though? You aren't me and you didn't have the same experiences I did.
Perhaps it is not just Shinji who should speak to Nagisa, perhaps I should speak to him as well. Since I have heard of his return I have done nothing but warn and be angry about him but I have not reached out to communicate with him to learn the truth. When others returned and saw me, they did not act that way towards me, they spoke to me and learned the truth of things. I owe Nagisa that same courtesy, I should be the one to speak to him.
I want to help to fix this situation between Shinji and Nagisa. I know that Asuka will want to fix it as well. As it is she is the only one out of all of us who knows the truth about Nagisa. She has tried to tell me before but I was unwilling to listen. I am willing to listen now, only I want to hear it from him. Perhaps if I know the truth myself then I can help Shinji to understand.
I pull up my phone to see what time it is in Germany. It is not too late over there and I know Asuka isn't the sort to go to bed early. I just hope that I am not interrupting anything between her and Nagisa. I know that with them starting a romantic relationship it is likely I might call them in the middle of certain activities. Still, I need to do this now, otherwise I will not sleep tonight.
I select Asuka's contact card and hold the phone to my ear. I hear the phone ring for a short while before she picks up, her voice sounds panicked, "Rei? Is everything alright? It's early in the morning over there isn't it?"
"Yes, everything is fine." I reply, "I am calling about the situation between Nagisa and Shinji?"
"Well, nothing like getting straight to the point." I hear her laugh, "I was actually going to call you tomorrow morning about it. Look… It seems like I'm saying this sort of thing a lot lately but I'm sorry. I was the one who told Shinji to contact Nagisa."
"Yes, I know." I say, "I do not believe you are to blame for this situation."
"I just didn't expect him to go straight ahead and do it. I thought that maybe he would…"
I finish her sentence for her, "Consult myself or Misato first?"
"Yes." Asuka confirms, "Of maybe he would talk to me a bit more about it."
"But he did not do that…"
"No… He didn't do that… I'm just used to him being more hesitant about things."
I smile, "You know what Shinji can be like…"
"Yeah… I know!" I hear her sigh, "I know damn well what he can be like. I know he probably thought it'd be better to do it right away. I know he probably thought that since I asked him to he should do it right away. God knows I demanded he do things right away when I lived with him, so why wouldn't he think that?"
"It is not your fault he did this." I make an effort to reassure her, whilst what she is saying has some truth to it I do not believe Shinji contacted Nagisa right away before of those memories. I just think it was an unfortunately thing, "Who or what is to blame does not matter now. What matters is that we resolved this. Shinji is upset by what happened. He fear that he will also have upset you, I assume that is not the case."
"Urgh, that idiot!" Asuka snaps back, "Of course that isn't the case! Does he really think that?"
"Yes he does."
"Yeah… Of course he does. I do feel bad for Kaworu but I'm not exactly angry at Shinji. It's not like I expected this to be an instant fix, I just didn't think it'd go this bad."
"Was Nagisa upset?" I ask.
"He was upset enough that he has said it'd be best if he didn't come to Japan in December." Asuka tells me, "I told him that he will definitely be coming to Japan."
"I see." I pause for a moment to take in this new information. I was not aware that Nagisa was intending to visit Japan in December. I feel like perhaps I should have expected it to do the ongoing romance between Asuka and Nagisa. This does complicate matters slightly, before knowing this I believe we had a good quantity of time to resolve the problem.
I was hoping to speak to him a couple of times over the next few weeks before getting him and Shinji to speak again. I will have to accelerate that process now. I am confident we can resolve the situation but I am unsure if we can do it by then. If not then where will that leave things for the concert?
"What if we are unable to resolve this by then?" I ask Asuka.
"Hah!" Asuka laughs, "Of course we will be able to resolve it! With the two of us guiding them we can't possibly fail! We just need to get the two of them to actually think about things properly."
Her reply gives me some confidence and I allow myself to smile, "Okay, I'll speak to Shinji in the morning. There is something I wanted to ask you though."
"Sure, what is it?"
"I… would like to speak to Nagisa myself." I make my request, "I feel I have been unfair towards him, and I would like to further understand who he is and also apologize to him."
"Apologize?" Asuka replies in confusion, "Rei, you haven't said anything to him. You have nothing to apologize for."
"Yeah I know." I say, "But I have said unpleasant things about him to yourself and I have not giving him a chance. I feel he should know of this and I should apologize."
"Okay fine. I'll speak to him tomorrow and get him to phone you. Is that good?"
"Yes, that would be fine. Thank you Asuka. I hope you have a good evening."
"Yeah, I will. Sleep well Rei."
- Location
- Edinburgh
Oh definitely, it's tough for them to all see the similarities between themselves especially when it's all elements they don't necessarily want to be reminded of.
The hugs help with the healing <3
This is something I really wanted to make clear with that little section. Asuka knows exactly where she went wrong and knows how painful it can be to just things off and off repeatedly. She knows that Shinji/Kaworu want to mend that bridge between them and doesn't want to see them both live painfully by putting it off like she did. She is going to push to make sure they can communicate.
THINGS GON GET GOOOOOOD
JennyDracos
Eccentric Hugging Lady
- Location
- Chicago
Sneaky. Did you add that before or after @Doctor Squared wrote what he did?
And Rei/Asuka conversation, always good, especially in this fic.
- Location
- Edinburgh
I did have something with Asuka putting herself down but admittedly what Doc said did help
Thank you so much! I'm always glad to see people react well to how I write Rei. When I first got into writing Eva fics and I'd say all the way up until HCE/You Must Not Run Away I did struggle with writing for Rei. So I'm very glad to see that people like the way I do write for her
- Location
- Canada
Yeah that's Mari. Asuka just needs to humm "Three steps forward one step back" Hell its very applicable here.
In some ways but not in others. Shinji's sins are mostly internal he isn't abusive or manipulative but he does have a coldness to other people that is dangerous. In general though its a very understandable concern. Kaworu was very tied to Shinji when he was alive before so the fear of losing him, even if it isn't romantic is quite real.
I'm not surprised, given her emotional range now she would have been miserable and not even known it. In some ways I think Rei dislikes Kaworu since he reminds her of all the pain she went through.
I would like to imagine sometimes the deadpan aspect of Rei surfaces up in times like this...
Rei calls Asuka
"Rei! Sorry I was... well in the middle of some adult stuff with Kaworu."
"You were doing your taxes?"
This is healthy, while Shinji now has a support group of people who love him like he never had before. He should not let them control things to a degree which is confining and that can mean making mistakes and doing stupid stuff... like punching the ex angel who is coming to your concert.
Chapter 14 - Suitable Grounds For The Blues - Kozou Fuyutsuki
- Location
- Edinburgh
1st October 2021 – Kozou Fuyutsuki
Many years ago there was a young man who had a dream of changing the world. This young man grew up wanting to leave his mark on the world in some way. Yet, the reality was, as his life went on he found himself unable to achieve such a grand dream. Yet, this desire remained, he turned to teaching in hopes that he might be able to encourage and inspire others to change the world in some way.
As a teacher and as more years went by he found that he was still no closer to achieving this goal. He found himself unable to connect with his students and found he developed a reputation for taking his role too seriously.
The day came when that changed, he met a student, a brilliant student who shone above all the others and struck a chord with him. She would be the instrument that would allow him to make his mark on the world. Her work was brilliant, her theories sound and so he set about encouraging her as best he could. He would allow her access to the best resources and facilities he could.
Over time he realized that it was no longer about wanting to leave his mark on the world, he had fallen in love with her. All of his dreams of changing the world had fallen and been replaced by dreams of being with her. Only this was not to be, for this student's heart belonged to another.
Time passed and she left to carry on her work elsewhere. She was recruited by an organization that took a large amount of interest in her work. There were rumours regarding the nature of the organization and her connection to them but they did not matter to the man and he went back to his life of teaching.
Shortly afterwards, on September 13th 2000 the world changed. A global cataclysm that was termed the Second Impact tore the world asunder. Over the next couple of years billions lost their lives, war and famine raged and the man would learn of his own minor role in the tragedy.
He would learn that the student that he had fallen and the organization she worked for would be central figures in this event. He would learn that by some cruel twist of fate he had in fact succeeded in his goal of changing the world, only that success tasted bitter as he saw the true costs of that change.
He could not help himself and ended up falling for her again. She convinced him that what she was a part of was for the best. She confided in him her plans for the future. She told him that soon she would have to leave and asked him for one simple favour. She wanted him to watch over the people that mattered most to her, her husband and her son.
I, Kozou Fuyutsuki, am that man and I failed in what I was asked to do. I failed to watch over the people she asked me to. I failed Yui by allowing myself to retreat into the darkness. I allowed myself to fall for your husbands ideas and believe that maybe I could see you one more time but this time we could be together.
I was weak and a coward. I should have stopped him, I should have put a stop to his plans right at the very beginning but I couldn't bring myself to do so. Opportunity after opportunity would present itself to me but I could not bring myself to take any of them.
Eventually the Third Impact would come just as SEELE and Gendo had wanted it to. The one saving grace is that it was not exactly as they desired it. Power was instead handed over to the boy that you left behind and wanted me to look out for. Your son saved the world and with it granted us another chance, for some of us it was an opportunity to atone for our sins. It is a chance that I have taken, I no longer want to change the world. I want to help people and put things right.
I get up from my desk chair and stretch before heading over to the window. The stars are shining brightly tonight. I wonder that if I went to the observatory tonight I'd be able to see her. She is still out there and we have been keeping track of her as she drifts further and further away from our planet. Scans have indicated some faint energy signatures within her as she moves forward.
Within a few years she will pass through the Termination Shock and into the outer reaches of the Solar System. Yui will reach the same point that only a handful of man-made craft have reached in but a fraction of that time. She will reach interstellar space and then as she drifts further and further away into uncharted territory, she will become what she desired. Eternal proof that humankind existed.
I have to wonder, how lonely is that existence for you Yui? Are you aware of what is happening on Earth right now? Have you been receiving any of our communications? Are you conscious of what is around you or have you passed on?
As for me, I'm trying to finally carry out my promise to you. I cannot watch out for Gendo but I can at least try to do the right thing for Shinji. After all my sins there is little I am able to do via direct contact but I have at least tried to make sure they're all protected. I've tried to make sure they have the opportunity for a future. It is my hope that maybe one day they might forgive me for my acts in the past.
I leave my post by the window and move back to the computer. I see a new e-mail has appeared and it seems to be the one I've been waiting on for the last two weeks. I open it and feel the heart sink immediately. I do not know how I'm going to break this news to him. I said to him that everything would be fine, I promised him that he would be free to do as he wishes and yet they have done this.
I don't know whether to be angry with this or not. Perhaps I should have expected it to happen. They have been looking to make an example of someone for a while. They've been looking for someone to blame. Gendo will never return so they can't have him. SEELE have vanished as well. They want to be seen as punishing someone, if anything just to satiate their own desires but… did it have to be him?
'Dear Kozou Fuytusuki,
I write to you in relation to your recent request regarding the necessary permissions for one, Kaworu Nagisa, to travel to Japan in December of this year.
Unfortunately given the former status of the Mr. Nagisa and after careful consideration by those involved we have seen fit to deny this request. The council simply feels that allowing a being like Mr. Nagisa to travel to Japan at this time would be too dangerous. It is our opinion that despite the initial reports of his humanity we do not have sufficient evidence that his former self has been completely removed.
In addition, we also have concerns regarding his motives for visiting Japan. Due to the ongoing situation regarding access to Tokyo-3 we find that it would be irresponsible to allow him any opportunity to travel to such a location. Whilst we have taken on board your reassurances that Mr. Nagisa is not affiliated with the group known as SEELE we do not have the sufficient evidence of this and whilst their location remains unknown we do not want to present an opportunity for him to make a move.
We extend our apologies to Mr. Nagisa at this time but also want it to be made known that the decision of the council is final. If you would like to discuss more then please arrange an appointment via the usual channels.
Regards
Jacques Laurent'
I close the e-mail and lower my head before leaning back in the seat. I have been around these sorts of people for many years and I have found that no matter who is present, one truth always remains, they will always be paranoid and looking to place blame at someone regardless of the person's guilt. They cannot find SEELE or Gendo and so they look at the next best person, the brainwashed victim.
Unfortunately I do not know how I can fight this, I don't know where I would start but I must try. My only concern is that pushing back against it will make them fall back to their original plans. I was only able to save Nagisa by the skin of my teeth. Originally they wanted him to face a full criminal trial, they wanted to lay everything at his feet.
If I fight this then they will likely see it as an opportunity to go back to those original plans. Knowing them there would be some public angle to this as well. They would want to cover themselves in glory as being the ones to bring one of the major figures in SEELE to justice. The truth of what Nagisa is would go out there but few would believe it.
It is not just about Nagisa's innocence. He does not need the stress of such a thing in his life. He needs the opportunity to live his life without his past haunting him. He deserves to live freely as a human and take those opportunities that were denied to him. I must save Nagisa from that fate, he has already been through so much.
Unfortunately, I know those fools are both stubborn and uncaring in this situation. Even amidst the mountain of evidence they had they refused to believe the truth of his humanity. Nagisa would face invasive medical examination after invasive medical examination, he would submit blood test after blood test and still continues to do so just to prove he is what he said he is. Yet it is still not good enough for them.
I know this news will break his heart. I dread the idea of telling him but I will have to do so, but I hope he knows that I will fight this.
Many years ago there was a young man who had a dream of changing the world. This young man grew up wanting to leave his mark on the world in some way. Yet, the reality was, as his life went on he found himself unable to achieve such a grand dream. Yet, this desire remained, he turned to teaching in hopes that he might be able to encourage and inspire others to change the world in some way.
As a teacher and as more years went by he found that he was still no closer to achieving this goal. He found himself unable to connect with his students and found he developed a reputation for taking his role too seriously.
The day came when that changed, he met a student, a brilliant student who shone above all the others and struck a chord with him. She would be the instrument that would allow him to make his mark on the world. Her work was brilliant, her theories sound and so he set about encouraging her as best he could. He would allow her access to the best resources and facilities he could.
Over time he realized that it was no longer about wanting to leave his mark on the world, he had fallen in love with her. All of his dreams of changing the world had fallen and been replaced by dreams of being with her. Only this was not to be, for this student's heart belonged to another.
Time passed and she left to carry on her work elsewhere. She was recruited by an organization that took a large amount of interest in her work. There were rumours regarding the nature of the organization and her connection to them but they did not matter to the man and he went back to his life of teaching.
Shortly afterwards, on September 13th 2000 the world changed. A global cataclysm that was termed the Second Impact tore the world asunder. Over the next couple of years billions lost their lives, war and famine raged and the man would learn of his own minor role in the tragedy.
He would learn that the student that he had fallen and the organization she worked for would be central figures in this event. He would learn that by some cruel twist of fate he had in fact succeeded in his goal of changing the world, only that success tasted bitter as he saw the true costs of that change.
He could not help himself and ended up falling for her again. She convinced him that what she was a part of was for the best. She confided in him her plans for the future. She told him that soon she would have to leave and asked him for one simple favour. She wanted him to watch over the people that mattered most to her, her husband and her son.
I, Kozou Fuyutsuki, am that man and I failed in what I was asked to do. I failed to watch over the people she asked me to. I failed Yui by allowing myself to retreat into the darkness. I allowed myself to fall for your husbands ideas and believe that maybe I could see you one more time but this time we could be together.
I was weak and a coward. I should have stopped him, I should have put a stop to his plans right at the very beginning but I couldn't bring myself to do so. Opportunity after opportunity would present itself to me but I could not bring myself to take any of them.
Eventually the Third Impact would come just as SEELE and Gendo had wanted it to. The one saving grace is that it was not exactly as they desired it. Power was instead handed over to the boy that you left behind and wanted me to look out for. Your son saved the world and with it granted us another chance, for some of us it was an opportunity to atone for our sins. It is a chance that I have taken, I no longer want to change the world. I want to help people and put things right.
I get up from my desk chair and stretch before heading over to the window. The stars are shining brightly tonight. I wonder that if I went to the observatory tonight I'd be able to see her. She is still out there and we have been keeping track of her as she drifts further and further away from our planet. Scans have indicated some faint energy signatures within her as she moves forward.
Within a few years she will pass through the Termination Shock and into the outer reaches of the Solar System. Yui will reach the same point that only a handful of man-made craft have reached in but a fraction of that time. She will reach interstellar space and then as she drifts further and further away into uncharted territory, she will become what she desired. Eternal proof that humankind existed.
I have to wonder, how lonely is that existence for you Yui? Are you aware of what is happening on Earth right now? Have you been receiving any of our communications? Are you conscious of what is around you or have you passed on?
As for me, I'm trying to finally carry out my promise to you. I cannot watch out for Gendo but I can at least try to do the right thing for Shinji. After all my sins there is little I am able to do via direct contact but I have at least tried to make sure they're all protected. I've tried to make sure they have the opportunity for a future. It is my hope that maybe one day they might forgive me for my acts in the past.
I leave my post by the window and move back to the computer. I see a new e-mail has appeared and it seems to be the one I've been waiting on for the last two weeks. I open it and feel the heart sink immediately. I do not know how I'm going to break this news to him. I said to him that everything would be fine, I promised him that he would be free to do as he wishes and yet they have done this.
I don't know whether to be angry with this or not. Perhaps I should have expected it to happen. They have been looking to make an example of someone for a while. They've been looking for someone to blame. Gendo will never return so they can't have him. SEELE have vanished as well. They want to be seen as punishing someone, if anything just to satiate their own desires but… did it have to be him?
'Dear Kozou Fuytusuki,
I write to you in relation to your recent request regarding the necessary permissions for one, Kaworu Nagisa, to travel to Japan in December of this year.
Unfortunately given the former status of the Mr. Nagisa and after careful consideration by those involved we have seen fit to deny this request. The council simply feels that allowing a being like Mr. Nagisa to travel to Japan at this time would be too dangerous. It is our opinion that despite the initial reports of his humanity we do not have sufficient evidence that his former self has been completely removed.
In addition, we also have concerns regarding his motives for visiting Japan. Due to the ongoing situation regarding access to Tokyo-3 we find that it would be irresponsible to allow him any opportunity to travel to such a location. Whilst we have taken on board your reassurances that Mr. Nagisa is not affiliated with the group known as SEELE we do not have the sufficient evidence of this and whilst their location remains unknown we do not want to present an opportunity for him to make a move.
We extend our apologies to Mr. Nagisa at this time but also want it to be made known that the decision of the council is final. If you would like to discuss more then please arrange an appointment via the usual channels.
Regards
Jacques Laurent'
I close the e-mail and lower my head before leaning back in the seat. I have been around these sorts of people for many years and I have found that no matter who is present, one truth always remains, they will always be paranoid and looking to place blame at someone regardless of the person's guilt. They cannot find SEELE or Gendo and so they look at the next best person, the brainwashed victim.
Unfortunately I do not know how I can fight this, I don't know where I would start but I must try. My only concern is that pushing back against it will make them fall back to their original plans. I was only able to save Nagisa by the skin of my teeth. Originally they wanted him to face a full criminal trial, they wanted to lay everything at his feet.
If I fight this then they will likely see it as an opportunity to go back to those original plans. Knowing them there would be some public angle to this as well. They would want to cover themselves in glory as being the ones to bring one of the major figures in SEELE to justice. The truth of what Nagisa is would go out there but few would believe it.
It is not just about Nagisa's innocence. He does not need the stress of such a thing in his life. He needs the opportunity to live his life without his past haunting him. He deserves to live freely as a human and take those opportunities that were denied to him. I must save Nagisa from that fate, he has already been through so much.
Unfortunately, I know those fools are both stubborn and uncaring in this situation. Even amidst the mountain of evidence they had they refused to believe the truth of his humanity. Nagisa would face invasive medical examination after invasive medical examination, he would submit blood test after blood test and still continues to do so just to prove he is what he said he is. Yet it is still not good enough for them.
I know this news will break his heart. I dread the idea of telling him but I will have to do so, but I hope he knows that I will fight this.
JennyDracos
Eccentric Hugging Lady
- Location
- Chicago
Oh no!
You MONSTERS.
....On the other hand, now all our plans for Shinji having a wardrobe malfunction when Asuka and Kaworu arrive at his hotel room are back in play.
You MONSTERS.
....On the other hand, now all our plans for Shinji having a wardrobe malfunction when Asuka and Kaworu arrive at his hotel room are back in play.
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
Shinji's not going to be happy again when he learns you knew about that part but didn't mention it, Rei. You think you'd have learned from the last time.
He upset you the last time (to put it mildly, Shinji) and you still wanted to talk to him, so why not?
Somewhere backstage, a miniskirted Production Assistant is giggling madly. :3
fallen?
You already did it before leaving Tokyo-3, Asuka. Hell, that's why you fled! You of all people should know it's possible, willing or not.
You called him that 5 times a day during the War, Asuka, and you're surprised by it now?
Mission failed, though, since Kaworu obviously spent the rest of the day focusing on that call instead. He should have called back.
Damn it... I don't see Asuka simply accepting that either. Will it be enough to convince Shinji to come visit them instead?
Chapter 14 - Suitable Grounds For The Blues - Kaworu Nagisa
- Location
- Edinburgh
1st October 2021 – Kaworu Nagisa
The final parts of the song come through my headphones as I sit and try to focus on finishing typing up these documents I'm working on. It is proving to be a difficult, typing up minutes from meetings and draft letters is not the most taxing of tasks, therefore it is easy for my thoughts to drift. Normally I would not mind my thoughts drifting, daydreaming can be pleasant but today they are just filled with thoughts of the situation with Shinji.
Asuka has assured me that things will work themselves out. It is not that I don't believe her, I do believe when she says such things, I also believe that she would not say such things to me were she to have any doubts. Yet, I still feel so very uneasy about the situation. I keep on replaying the conversation from yesterday and wondering what I could have said or done differently to avoid such a thing.
I know all too well the folly in this way of thinking though. All I will end up doing it putting myself into an endless cycle of questioning and doubt. The truth is that I am unable to go back and change any of what was said or done. I have to live with it and move forward. I just wish that things are resolved sooner, rather than later.
I dislike this uncertainty of how long it could take and where things stand. I dislike that I am having to rely on others to resolve my mistakes. I know the latter is not exactly true, I am not relying on people to resolve it, we are all here to help one another, it is just my impatience speaking. Still, I feel like I could do more, I have been tempted to try and call him myself but I don't know what good such a thing would do. Knowing me, I would just mess it all up again and make it worse. I just need to be patient.
I lean back in my chair and look around the empty office. It is strange to see Fuyutsuki absent today, he called me earlier this morning to inform me that he has had to take the day off in order to resolve an important and unexpected situation. I've been told to simply type up these documents and then given the rest of the day off.
I could return home but I know Asuka is busy today working on things for her book, so perhaps I should explore the city. It has been quite some time since I have properly had the opportunity to take a walk, or at least it has been a long time since I've taken the opportunity. Ever since the attack I've not dared venture out as much as I used to, a few times but only short trips and any longer trips have been with Asuka. Yes, I think I will walk along the riverside to clear my mind.
I lean forward again and begin to start on the next document, my final one and my phone starts to ring before I can even begin typing. I let out a slight sigh of annoyance, I was hoping to just get through this without any interruptions. Still, it might be Asuka, I glance at the phone and see an unrecognized number. I contemplate ignoring it and getting on with my work but instead I pause my music and answer the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Is this Nagisa?"
I frown as the persons voice comes through the speaker. It is a young woman's voice and one that is strangely familiar. It is soft and yet has a directness to it that I am sure I have heard before. I find it curious that she has addressed me by my surname as well.
"Yes, it is, who is this?" I answer her and inquire as to who it might be.
"This is Rei Ayanami. Shinji's sister, I am not disturbing you, am I?"
Almost immediately on hearing her speak her name I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up on edge. I feel that cold sweat start to break out and my stomach churns. I contemplate telling her that I am busy at the moment and unable to speak to her. I am at work after all but then if I did that then I'd only be delaying an inevitable conversation with her.
I shake my head, "No... I am... not busy."
"Good."
My mouth is so dry, I pick up my coffee cup and sip the some of it. It's turned cold, horribly cold and I immediately put the cup back down with a trembling hand. The last time I saw Rei Ayanami was the day of my death. I remember looking up at her from within the grasp of Unit 01s hand. I remember the glare she gave me, it told me everything I needed to know. I cannot imagine now, that over the course of the last five years her hatred of me will have changed. In fact, I am aware of her dislike of me, it is something Asuka has alluded to.
I can't really blame Rei for having such an attitude towards me. After all I deserve her hatred, after what I did to her brother and her world how could she not? Now I have managed to hurt her brother again, I dread to think of what she has to say to me.
"I presume you already know why I am contacting you?"
If I was slightly unsure of the reason before then that did indeed confirm it. I try to answer, my voice slightly weak with my nerves and fear, "It... It is regarding my conversation with Shinji yesterday, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is." She responds bluntly, "Shinji was quite upset with the events."
In a way I appreciate her honestly, it is good to know for certain how Shinji felt about what happened. At the same time all I can feel is sadness at knowing that I did manage to upset him.
"I… I am sorry about that, it was not my intention to hurt him."
"You do not need to apologize for what happened." Rei quickly replies, "It is my understanding that you too were also upset and it is my belief that neither of you were to blame."
"No…" I begin to protest, "It… It was my fault, I was to blame! When he contacted me, I should not have said what I did, I should have asked him to speak to me later."
"But you did say what you did." She replies, "And I feel you were not wrong in what you but I feel that in this instance it did not work out as neither of you had hoped. When Shinji contacted you I do not believe he wanted things to work out in this fashion either. I… I am no stranger to things not working out as planned myself."
I say nothing in reply but I do feel a half smile come to my lips. I am certain that she is of course referring to what happened between herself and Shinji only a few weeks ago. I remember Asuka telling me that Rei was really upset about what had happened. There is a brief moment of silence between us, and I sense that Rei is taking the time to collect her thoughts.
Finally she speaks once more, "I have to ask you, are you truly sincere in wanting to mend your friendship with my brother?"
"Yes… Very serious." I answer her, "I would like nothing more than to… speak with him and put things right. I know that… after what I did to him it is a lot to ask. I probably don't deserve his forgiveness or friendship but I would like a chance to explain things to him at the very least."
"That is good." She responds, "I am pleased that this is the case. I… I will help you then, if you are truly sincere then I would like to help you. First though, I feel I must apologize to you. When I first heard of your return and of your friendship with Asuka I had… something of an unkind attitude towards you. I know you are not aware of what I have said but they were unpleasant. I… I feel it would be best to clear this up with you. I… I disliked you, not just because of what you did but because I saw in you the things that I have tried to forget I was."
She takes another moment to pause, I saw nothing, merely listening to her in a stunned silence, "You and I, we are the same Nagisa. I remember you saying such a thing to me once and you were correct. We were both created for a similar purpose. We were both created from beings of immense power. The difference is that we ended up on opposite sides of the fight. We were set up to be enemies and by all rights we should not be here today. We are both lucky to be alive and lucky that we have the chance to seek forgiveness in others. I do not wish to be your enemy any longer, I do not want to dislike you anymore. Kaworu Nagisa… I would like to be your friend."
Rei's words take me completely by surprise and I open my mouth to reply but no words come out. Instead I feel that lump at the back of my throat forming, I struggle to blink away the tears and compose myself, "T-Thank you…"
I trail off needing a bit more time to get myself together, "T-Thank you Rei, I… I would like to be your friend too. I… I know my actions in the past were hurtful but… I am trying to make up for them."
"I know, it is something we are all trying to do." Rei answers, "I wish to know about your past, perhaps it can help to fix this situation. Tell me… who are you Kaworu Nagisa?"
I shake my head as I start to tell Rei about who I am, "There… There isn't a lot to tell you. My life was… mostly uneventful. I was… brought to life on the thirteenth of September 2000, the day of Second Impact. Thought I did not gain full consciousness until a few years later, at the age of four."
"I see, so it has recently been your Birthday?" Rei asks me curiously, "That is strange, Asuka did not mention anything."
I shake my head again, "N-No, she wouldn't have done. I… I didn't feel it was a day worth celebrating or mentioning."
"I understand." Rei says, "So tell me what happened after you gained consciousness. Were you always aware of what you were?"
"No, not at first." I reply, "That would come much later. For the first six months of my life I was raised by a nanny. She was a kind woman, a brown haired lady with red rimmed glasses. She taught me how to read and how to write. She always told me how clever I was, apparently I picked up things quicker than any other child she had looked after. It was… nice, but then after six months she went 'away'"
My voice darkens as I say the last part and there is silence again as Rei seems to mull over what I've said. I'm fairly sure she could tell from my tone what I was implying by that last part. After a few more seconds Rei replies, her voice is softer this time, "I… I am sorry to hear that, do you know that that is what happened?"
"Do I know that she was killed?" I answer, "No, I don't, I never found out the truth but I can put the pieces together. SEELE probably felt she had been around for too long and she had been exposed to me for too long so they had her killed… She… She was a good person…"
I pause again to gather my thoughts, of all the things I expected to talk about today my life growing up was not one of them. Nor did I expect to be sharing these stories with Rei Ayanami of all people.
"After… After she vanished I was visited by Kiel for the first time. He didn't tell me much, only that I was 'special'" I spit out the words bitterly.
"From there a cycle would start. I would have more nannies and other teachers. They would appear for six months at a time and then they would vanish. Kiel would visit me at points over those years. He would tell me all about the ills of society and about the damage mankind has done to itself and the planet. He would drip feed me more about my role, speak of my grand destiny to help cleanse humanity of all its sins." My voice starts to shake as I speak, it is a mixture of anger and sorrow, "I bought all of his lies."
"I… understand, I was no different in believing what I was told of my destiny by Commander Ikari. We knew nothing else Kaworu."
I nod my head, "No… We didn't. Aside from that my upbringing was unremarkable. It was a structured upbringing, all done as Kiel and SEELE designed it. I had minimal exposure to the outside world. Every book I read, every news article I saw, every bit of pop culture I absorbed was filtered by SEELE first. Even the music I learned to play on the piano was hand-picked by Kiel."
"I see…" Rei spaks, "So when did you learn fully of what you were and of your mission to go to Tokyo-3?"
My mouth dries up once more as I try to figure out the right words to say. I do not have any difficulty in remembering it though, that time period is very clear in my head.
"The older I got the more Kiel would speak to me of my destiny and tell me of my important task. I… admit I didn't fully understand how I could be so special, I didn't feel special in anyway until one day… I felt a sudden change within myself, it was the day that the Third Angel attacked."
"The call of Lillith…" Rei muses.
"Yes! You felt it too right?" I almost stand up as I ask her eagerly, Rei knew of the call of Lillith. Does this mean that she too understand the pain that I felt from it? Did she feel the call too? I know the others did, my so called brethren. Those grotesque monsters that threatened this very planet. I almost ended up like them, I could have taken on the form of some gargantuan nightmare instead of this human body I ended up inhabiting. I suppose that is the one thing I should be thankful to SEELE for, they rescued Tabris and guided it into this body.
"Yes." Rei finally answers me, "I too felt the call."
"SEELE… Well Kiel, he explained to me that the pain I was feeling was from Adam. Adam was the father and that my role, as the son, would be to reunite with Adam and bring forth a new dawn for humanity." I continue to explain to her, as I speak I can again hear the anger and bitterness in my voice, "One by one the other Angels fell… I could feel their screams of pain as they perished. It was… not pleasant but I knew that they had to die. There was only one being worthy of accomplishing the task of uniting with Adam and that was me. After… After five months I was told my day had come, I was to go to Tokyo-3."
I can feel my heart tightening as I speak those words, I'm starting to feel sick as I recall how I felt on the day I was told I would be going. Unlike now, back then I felt no fear, instead I was excited to be given my tasks and told that my actions would save humanity and lead it to a new future.
"You would become the Fifth Child, so at that point you knew of your nature as an Angel? Had you piloted an Evangelion at that point?"
"No, I hadn't. The Eva Series was in production and SEELE was more than confident in my abilities to not rush anything. Over the course of those five months I had become adept in manifesting and using my A.T. Field. They informed me what the A.T. Field was and of the nature of the Evangelions. When the day approached they told me that the soul within Unit 02 had regressed meaning the creature within it would easily submit to my will."
I pause again, "They told me a brief version of what the Angels were and where humanity come from. I knew humanity from that moment forward as the Lilin. I was then given my complete mission, first I was to befriend Shinji Ikari. They told me about him and his history, gave me enough to be able to approach him and speak to him, tell him what he would want to hear. I…. I would befriend him and then I would go and unite with Adam… I… I was…"
I have to pause again as the lump in my throat returns. I still have more to tell Rei, about me betraying him, about me finding out I was the one who had been betrayed. All those years believing I was special and had a purpose only to find out my purpose was to die. I feel the tears start to flow and I let out a choked sob, "I… I… I'm so sorry Rei, I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I didn't… I didn't want to hurt him… I… I…."
"Nagisa…" I hear Rei speak my name and it pulls me from my hysteria, "I… I am sorry you had to do what you did."
I sniff loudly as I wipe away a tear, "I… Thought I was going to help people Rei. It wasn't until I saw Lillith standing in front of me that I knew… that what I was doing was wrong and then… I had no choice but to die."
I wipe away another tear, "I know that doesn't justify any of it. I know I don't deserve forgiveness but…"
"No, you are wrong." Rei interrupts me, "You do deserve forgiveness. You deserve the same opportunities that I have been granted. You and I… we are the same. I was created for a singular purpose and I was on the verge of carrying it out. It was only at the last minute that I was stopped and even then… my actions caused a lot of pain and suffering."
I listen as she speaks, "When I returned I feared that people would know and hate me for what I had done. They did not, instead they accepted me, Shinji… Asuka… Misato they forgave me without question. They never spoke of what I had done and so I buried it. My story is not dissimilar to yours Kaworu, we were both raised in ignorance of the truth and used as tools to be cast aside by others. You… You do deserve forgiveness and I will help you."
I smile, "Thank you… Truly Rei… Thank you so much."
'Confusion will be my epitaph
As I crawl a cracked and broken path
If we make it we can all sit back
And laugh
But I fear tomorrow I'll be crying'
As I crawl a cracked and broken path
If we make it we can all sit back
And laugh
But I fear tomorrow I'll be crying'
The final parts of the song come through my headphones as I sit and try to focus on finishing typing up these documents I'm working on. It is proving to be a difficult, typing up minutes from meetings and draft letters is not the most taxing of tasks, therefore it is easy for my thoughts to drift. Normally I would not mind my thoughts drifting, daydreaming can be pleasant but today they are just filled with thoughts of the situation with Shinji.
Asuka has assured me that things will work themselves out. It is not that I don't believe her, I do believe when she says such things, I also believe that she would not say such things to me were she to have any doubts. Yet, I still feel so very uneasy about the situation. I keep on replaying the conversation from yesterday and wondering what I could have said or done differently to avoid such a thing.
I know all too well the folly in this way of thinking though. All I will end up doing it putting myself into an endless cycle of questioning and doubt. The truth is that I am unable to go back and change any of what was said or done. I have to live with it and move forward. I just wish that things are resolved sooner, rather than later.
I dislike this uncertainty of how long it could take and where things stand. I dislike that I am having to rely on others to resolve my mistakes. I know the latter is not exactly true, I am not relying on people to resolve it, we are all here to help one another, it is just my impatience speaking. Still, I feel like I could do more, I have been tempted to try and call him myself but I don't know what good such a thing would do. Knowing me, I would just mess it all up again and make it worse. I just need to be patient.
I lean back in my chair and look around the empty office. It is strange to see Fuyutsuki absent today, he called me earlier this morning to inform me that he has had to take the day off in order to resolve an important and unexpected situation. I've been told to simply type up these documents and then given the rest of the day off.
I could return home but I know Asuka is busy today working on things for her book, so perhaps I should explore the city. It has been quite some time since I have properly had the opportunity to take a walk, or at least it has been a long time since I've taken the opportunity. Ever since the attack I've not dared venture out as much as I used to, a few times but only short trips and any longer trips have been with Asuka. Yes, I think I will walk along the riverside to clear my mind.
I lean forward again and begin to start on the next document, my final one and my phone starts to ring before I can even begin typing. I let out a slight sigh of annoyance, I was hoping to just get through this without any interruptions. Still, it might be Asuka, I glance at the phone and see an unrecognized number. I contemplate ignoring it and getting on with my work but instead I pause my music and answer the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Is this Nagisa?"
I frown as the persons voice comes through the speaker. It is a young woman's voice and one that is strangely familiar. It is soft and yet has a directness to it that I am sure I have heard before. I find it curious that she has addressed me by my surname as well.
"Yes, it is, who is this?" I answer her and inquire as to who it might be.
"This is Rei Ayanami. Shinji's sister, I am not disturbing you, am I?"
Almost immediately on hearing her speak her name I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up on edge. I feel that cold sweat start to break out and my stomach churns. I contemplate telling her that I am busy at the moment and unable to speak to her. I am at work after all but then if I did that then I'd only be delaying an inevitable conversation with her.
I shake my head, "No... I am... not busy."
"Good."
My mouth is so dry, I pick up my coffee cup and sip the some of it. It's turned cold, horribly cold and I immediately put the cup back down with a trembling hand. The last time I saw Rei Ayanami was the day of my death. I remember looking up at her from within the grasp of Unit 01s hand. I remember the glare she gave me, it told me everything I needed to know. I cannot imagine now, that over the course of the last five years her hatred of me will have changed. In fact, I am aware of her dislike of me, it is something Asuka has alluded to.
I can't really blame Rei for having such an attitude towards me. After all I deserve her hatred, after what I did to her brother and her world how could she not? Now I have managed to hurt her brother again, I dread to think of what she has to say to me.
"I presume you already know why I am contacting you?"
If I was slightly unsure of the reason before then that did indeed confirm it. I try to answer, my voice slightly weak with my nerves and fear, "It... It is regarding my conversation with Shinji yesterday, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is." She responds bluntly, "Shinji was quite upset with the events."
In a way I appreciate her honestly, it is good to know for certain how Shinji felt about what happened. At the same time all I can feel is sadness at knowing that I did manage to upset him.
"I… I am sorry about that, it was not my intention to hurt him."
"You do not need to apologize for what happened." Rei quickly replies, "It is my understanding that you too were also upset and it is my belief that neither of you were to blame."
"No…" I begin to protest, "It… It was my fault, I was to blame! When he contacted me, I should not have said what I did, I should have asked him to speak to me later."
"But you did say what you did." She replies, "And I feel you were not wrong in what you but I feel that in this instance it did not work out as neither of you had hoped. When Shinji contacted you I do not believe he wanted things to work out in this fashion either. I… I am no stranger to things not working out as planned myself."
I say nothing in reply but I do feel a half smile come to my lips. I am certain that she is of course referring to what happened between herself and Shinji only a few weeks ago. I remember Asuka telling me that Rei was really upset about what had happened. There is a brief moment of silence between us, and I sense that Rei is taking the time to collect her thoughts.
Finally she speaks once more, "I have to ask you, are you truly sincere in wanting to mend your friendship with my brother?"
"Yes… Very serious." I answer her, "I would like nothing more than to… speak with him and put things right. I know that… after what I did to him it is a lot to ask. I probably don't deserve his forgiveness or friendship but I would like a chance to explain things to him at the very least."
"That is good." She responds, "I am pleased that this is the case. I… I will help you then, if you are truly sincere then I would like to help you. First though, I feel I must apologize to you. When I first heard of your return and of your friendship with Asuka I had… something of an unkind attitude towards you. I know you are not aware of what I have said but they were unpleasant. I… I feel it would be best to clear this up with you. I… I disliked you, not just because of what you did but because I saw in you the things that I have tried to forget I was."
She takes another moment to pause, I saw nothing, merely listening to her in a stunned silence, "You and I, we are the same Nagisa. I remember you saying such a thing to me once and you were correct. We were both created for a similar purpose. We were both created from beings of immense power. The difference is that we ended up on opposite sides of the fight. We were set up to be enemies and by all rights we should not be here today. We are both lucky to be alive and lucky that we have the chance to seek forgiveness in others. I do not wish to be your enemy any longer, I do not want to dislike you anymore. Kaworu Nagisa… I would like to be your friend."
Rei's words take me completely by surprise and I open my mouth to reply but no words come out. Instead I feel that lump at the back of my throat forming, I struggle to blink away the tears and compose myself, "T-Thank you…"
I trail off needing a bit more time to get myself together, "T-Thank you Rei, I… I would like to be your friend too. I… I know my actions in the past were hurtful but… I am trying to make up for them."
"I know, it is something we are all trying to do." Rei answers, "I wish to know about your past, perhaps it can help to fix this situation. Tell me… who are you Kaworu Nagisa?"
I shake my head as I start to tell Rei about who I am, "There… There isn't a lot to tell you. My life was… mostly uneventful. I was… brought to life on the thirteenth of September 2000, the day of Second Impact. Thought I did not gain full consciousness until a few years later, at the age of four."
"I see, so it has recently been your Birthday?" Rei asks me curiously, "That is strange, Asuka did not mention anything."
I shake my head again, "N-No, she wouldn't have done. I… I didn't feel it was a day worth celebrating or mentioning."
"I understand." Rei says, "So tell me what happened after you gained consciousness. Were you always aware of what you were?"
"No, not at first." I reply, "That would come much later. For the first six months of my life I was raised by a nanny. She was a kind woman, a brown haired lady with red rimmed glasses. She taught me how to read and how to write. She always told me how clever I was, apparently I picked up things quicker than any other child she had looked after. It was… nice, but then after six months she went 'away'"
My voice darkens as I say the last part and there is silence again as Rei seems to mull over what I've said. I'm fairly sure she could tell from my tone what I was implying by that last part. After a few more seconds Rei replies, her voice is softer this time, "I… I am sorry to hear that, do you know that that is what happened?"
"Do I know that she was killed?" I answer, "No, I don't, I never found out the truth but I can put the pieces together. SEELE probably felt she had been around for too long and she had been exposed to me for too long so they had her killed… She… She was a good person…"
I pause again to gather my thoughts, of all the things I expected to talk about today my life growing up was not one of them. Nor did I expect to be sharing these stories with Rei Ayanami of all people.
"After… After she vanished I was visited by Kiel for the first time. He didn't tell me much, only that I was 'special'" I spit out the words bitterly.
"From there a cycle would start. I would have more nannies and other teachers. They would appear for six months at a time and then they would vanish. Kiel would visit me at points over those years. He would tell me all about the ills of society and about the damage mankind has done to itself and the planet. He would drip feed me more about my role, speak of my grand destiny to help cleanse humanity of all its sins." My voice starts to shake as I speak, it is a mixture of anger and sorrow, "I bought all of his lies."
"I… understand, I was no different in believing what I was told of my destiny by Commander Ikari. We knew nothing else Kaworu."
I nod my head, "No… We didn't. Aside from that my upbringing was unremarkable. It was a structured upbringing, all done as Kiel and SEELE designed it. I had minimal exposure to the outside world. Every book I read, every news article I saw, every bit of pop culture I absorbed was filtered by SEELE first. Even the music I learned to play on the piano was hand-picked by Kiel."
"I see…" Rei spaks, "So when did you learn fully of what you were and of your mission to go to Tokyo-3?"
My mouth dries up once more as I try to figure out the right words to say. I do not have any difficulty in remembering it though, that time period is very clear in my head.
"The older I got the more Kiel would speak to me of my destiny and tell me of my important task. I… admit I didn't fully understand how I could be so special, I didn't feel special in anyway until one day… I felt a sudden change within myself, it was the day that the Third Angel attacked."
"The call of Lillith…" Rei muses.
"Yes! You felt it too right?" I almost stand up as I ask her eagerly, Rei knew of the call of Lillith. Does this mean that she too understand the pain that I felt from it? Did she feel the call too? I know the others did, my so called brethren. Those grotesque monsters that threatened this very planet. I almost ended up like them, I could have taken on the form of some gargantuan nightmare instead of this human body I ended up inhabiting. I suppose that is the one thing I should be thankful to SEELE for, they rescued Tabris and guided it into this body.
"Yes." Rei finally answers me, "I too felt the call."
"SEELE… Well Kiel, he explained to me that the pain I was feeling was from Adam. Adam was the father and that my role, as the son, would be to reunite with Adam and bring forth a new dawn for humanity." I continue to explain to her, as I speak I can again hear the anger and bitterness in my voice, "One by one the other Angels fell… I could feel their screams of pain as they perished. It was… not pleasant but I knew that they had to die. There was only one being worthy of accomplishing the task of uniting with Adam and that was me. After… After five months I was told my day had come, I was to go to Tokyo-3."
I can feel my heart tightening as I speak those words, I'm starting to feel sick as I recall how I felt on the day I was told I would be going. Unlike now, back then I felt no fear, instead I was excited to be given my tasks and told that my actions would save humanity and lead it to a new future.
"You would become the Fifth Child, so at that point you knew of your nature as an Angel? Had you piloted an Evangelion at that point?"
"No, I hadn't. The Eva Series was in production and SEELE was more than confident in my abilities to not rush anything. Over the course of those five months I had become adept in manifesting and using my A.T. Field. They informed me what the A.T. Field was and of the nature of the Evangelions. When the day approached they told me that the soul within Unit 02 had regressed meaning the creature within it would easily submit to my will."
I pause again, "They told me a brief version of what the Angels were and where humanity come from. I knew humanity from that moment forward as the Lilin. I was then given my complete mission, first I was to befriend Shinji Ikari. They told me about him and his history, gave me enough to be able to approach him and speak to him, tell him what he would want to hear. I…. I would befriend him and then I would go and unite with Adam… I… I was…"
I have to pause again as the lump in my throat returns. I still have more to tell Rei, about me betraying him, about me finding out I was the one who had been betrayed. All those years believing I was special and had a purpose only to find out my purpose was to die. I feel the tears start to flow and I let out a choked sob, "I… I… I'm so sorry Rei, I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I didn't… I didn't want to hurt him… I… I…."
"Nagisa…" I hear Rei speak my name and it pulls me from my hysteria, "I… I am sorry you had to do what you did."
I sniff loudly as I wipe away a tear, "I… Thought I was going to help people Rei. It wasn't until I saw Lillith standing in front of me that I knew… that what I was doing was wrong and then… I had no choice but to die."
I wipe away another tear, "I know that doesn't justify any of it. I know I don't deserve forgiveness but…"
"No, you are wrong." Rei interrupts me, "You do deserve forgiveness. You deserve the same opportunities that I have been granted. You and I… we are the same. I was created for a singular purpose and I was on the verge of carrying it out. It was only at the last minute that I was stopped and even then… my actions caused a lot of pain and suffering."
I listen as she speaks, "When I returned I feared that people would know and hate me for what I had done. They did not, instead they accepted me, Shinji… Asuka… Misato they forgave me without question. They never spoke of what I had done and so I buried it. My story is not dissimilar to yours Kaworu, we were both raised in ignorance of the truth and used as tools to be cast aside by others. You… You do deserve forgiveness and I will help you."
I smile, "Thank you… Truly Rei… Thank you so much."
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