1st October 2021 – Kaworu Nagisa
'Confusion will be my epitaph
As I crawl a cracked and broken path
If we make it we can all sit back
And laugh
But I fear tomorrow I'll be crying'
The final parts of the song come through my headphones as I sit and try to focus on finishing typing up these documents I'm working on. It is proving to be a difficult, typing up minutes from meetings and draft letters is not the most taxing of tasks, therefore it is easy for my thoughts to drift. Normally I would not mind my thoughts drifting, daydreaming can be pleasant but today they are just filled with thoughts of the situation with Shinji.
Asuka has assured me that things will work themselves out. It is not that I don't believe her, I do believe when she says such things, I also believe that she would not say such things to me were she to have any doubts. Yet, I still feel so very uneasy about the situation. I keep on replaying the conversation from yesterday and wondering what I could have said or done differently to avoid such a thing.
I know all too well the folly in this way of thinking though. All I will end up doing it putting myself into an endless cycle of questioning and doubt. The truth is that I am unable to go back and change any of what was said or done. I have to live with it and move forward. I just wish that things are resolved sooner, rather than later.
I dislike this uncertainty of how long it could take and where things stand. I dislike that I am having to rely on others to resolve my mistakes. I know the latter is not exactly true, I am not relying on people to resolve it, we are all here to help one another, it is just my impatience speaking. Still, I feel like I could do more, I have been tempted to try and call him myself but I don't know what good such a thing would do. Knowing me, I would just mess it all up again and make it worse. I just need to be patient.
I lean back in my chair and look around the empty office. It is strange to see Fuyutsuki absent today, he called me earlier this morning to inform me that he has had to take the day off in order to resolve an important and unexpected situation. I've been told to simply type up these documents and then given the rest of the day off.
I could return home but I know Asuka is busy today working on things for her book, so perhaps I should explore the city. It has been quite some time since I have properly had the opportunity to take a walk, or at least it has been a long time since I've taken the opportunity. Ever since the attack I've not dared venture out as much as I used to, a few times but only short trips and any longer trips have been with Asuka. Yes, I think I will walk along the riverside to clear my mind.
I lean forward again and begin to start on the next document, my final one and my phone starts to ring before I can even begin typing. I let out a slight sigh of annoyance, I was hoping to just get through this without any interruptions. Still, it might be Asuka, I glance at the phone and see an unrecognized number. I contemplate ignoring it and getting on with my work but instead I pause my music and answer the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Is this Nagisa?"
I frown as the persons voice comes through the speaker. It is a young woman's voice and one that is strangely familiar. It is soft and yet has a directness to it that I am sure I have heard before. I find it curious that she has addressed me by my surname as well.
"Yes, it is, who is this?" I answer her and inquire as to who it might be.
"This is Rei Ayanami. Shinji's sister, I am not disturbing you, am I?"
Almost immediately on hearing her speak her name I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up on edge. I feel that cold sweat start to break out and my stomach churns. I contemplate telling her that I am busy at the moment and unable to speak to her. I am at work after all but then if I did that then I'd only be delaying an inevitable conversation with her.
I shake my head, "No... I am... not busy."
"Good."
My mouth is so dry, I pick up my coffee cup and sip the some of it. It's turned cold, horribly cold and I immediately put the cup back down with a trembling hand. The last time I saw Rei Ayanami was the day of my death. I remember looking up at her from within the grasp of Unit 01s hand. I remember the glare she gave me, it told me everything I needed to know. I cannot imagine now, that over the course of the last five years her hatred of me will have changed. In fact, I am aware of her dislike of me, it is something Asuka has alluded to.
I can't really blame Rei for having such an attitude towards me. After all I deserve her hatred, after what I did to her brother and her world how could she not? Now I have managed to hurt her brother again, I dread to think of what she has to say to me.
"I presume you already know why I am contacting you?"
If I was slightly unsure of the reason before then that did indeed confirm it. I try to answer, my voice slightly weak with my nerves and fear, "It... It is regarding my conversation with Shinji yesterday, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is." She responds bluntly, "Shinji was quite upset with the events."
In a way I appreciate her honestly, it is good to know for certain how Shinji felt about what happened. At the same time all I can feel is sadness at knowing that I did manage to upset him.
"I… I am sorry about that, it was not my intention to hurt him."
"You do not need to apologize for what happened." Rei quickly replies,
"It is my understanding that you too were also upset and it is my belief that neither of you were to blame."
"No…" I begin to protest, "It… It was my fault, I was to blame! When he contacted me, I should not have said what I did, I should have asked him to speak to me later."
"But you did say what you did." She replies,
"And I feel you were not wrong in what you but I feel that in this instance it did not work out as neither of you had hoped. When Shinji contacted you I do not believe he wanted things to work out in this fashion either. I… I am no stranger to things not working out as planned myself."
I say nothing in reply but I do feel a half smile come to my lips. I am certain that she is of course referring to what happened between herself and Shinji only a few weeks ago. I remember Asuka telling me that Rei was really upset about what had happened. There is a brief moment of silence between us, and I sense that Rei is taking the time to collect her thoughts.
Finally she speaks once more,
"I have to ask you, are you truly sincere in wanting to mend your friendship with my brother?"
"Yes… Very serious." I answer her, "I would like nothing more than to… speak with him and put things right. I know that… after what I did to him it is a lot to ask. I probably don't deserve his forgiveness or friendship but I would like a chance to explain things to him at the very least."
"That is good." She responds,
"I am pleased that this is the case. I… I will help you then, if you are truly sincere then I would like to help you. First though, I feel I must apologize to you. When I first heard of your return and of your friendship with Asuka I had… something of an unkind attitude towards you. I know you are not aware of what I have said but they were unpleasant. I… I feel it would be best to clear this up with you. I… I disliked you, not just because of what you did but because I saw in you the things that I have tried to forget I was."
She takes another moment to pause, I saw nothing, merely listening to her in a stunned silence,
"You and I, we are the same Nagisa. I remember you saying such a thing to me once and you were correct. We were both created for a similar purpose. We were both created from beings of immense power. The difference is that we ended up on opposite sides of the fight. We were set up to be enemies and by all rights we should not be here today. We are both lucky to be alive and lucky that we have the chance to seek forgiveness in others. I do not wish to be your enemy any longer, I do not want to dislike you anymore. Kaworu Nagisa… I would like to be your friend."
Rei's words take me completely by surprise and I open my mouth to reply but no words come out. Instead I feel that lump at the back of my throat forming, I struggle to blink away the tears and compose myself, "T-Thank you…"
I trail off needing a bit more time to get myself together, "T-Thank you Rei, I… I would like to be your friend too. I… I know my actions in the past were hurtful but… I am trying to make up for them."
"I know, it is something we are all trying to do." Rei answers,
"I wish to know about your past, perhaps it can help to fix this situation. Tell me… who are you Kaworu Nagisa?"
I shake my head as I start to tell Rei about who I am, "There… There isn't a lot to tell you. My life was… mostly uneventful. I was… brought to life on the thirteenth of September 2000, the day of Second Impact. Thought I did not gain full consciousness until a few years later, at the age of four."
"I see, so it has recently been your Birthday?" Rei asks me curiously,
"That is strange, Asuka did not mention anything."
I shake my head again, "N-No, she wouldn't have done. I… I didn't feel it was a day worth celebrating or mentioning."
"I understand." Rei says, "So tell me what happened after you gained consciousness. Were you always aware of what you were?"
"No, not at first." I reply, "That would come much later. For the first six months of my life I was raised by a nanny. She was a kind woman, a brown haired lady with red rimmed glasses. She taught me how to read and how to write. She always told me how clever I was, apparently I picked up things quicker than any other child she had looked after. It was… nice, but then after six months she went 'away'"
My voice darkens as I say the last part and there is silence again as Rei seems to mull over what I've said. I'm fairly sure she could tell from my tone what I was implying by that last part. After a few more seconds Rei replies, her voice is softer this time, "I… I am sorry to hear that, do you know that that is what happened?"
"Do I know that she was killed?" I answer, "No, I don't, I never found out the truth but I can put the pieces together. SEELE probably felt she had been around for too long and she had been exposed to me for too long so they had her killed… She… She was a good person…"
I pause again to gather my thoughts, of all the things I expected to talk about today my life growing up was not one of them. Nor did I expect to be sharing these stories with Rei Ayanami of all people.
"After… After she vanished I was visited by Kiel for the first time. He didn't tell me much, only that I was 'special'" I spit out the words bitterly.
"From there a cycle would start. I would have more nannies and other teachers. They would appear for six months at a time and then they would vanish. Kiel would visit me at points over those years. He would tell me all about the ills of society and about the damage mankind has done to itself and the planet. He would drip feed me more about my role, speak of my grand destiny to help cleanse humanity of all its sins." My voice starts to shake as I speak, it is a mixture of anger and sorrow, "I bought all of his lies."
"I… understand, I was no different in believing what I was told of my destiny by Commander Ikari. We knew nothing else Kaworu."
I nod my head, "No… We didn't. Aside from that my upbringing was unremarkable. It was a structured upbringing, all done as Kiel and SEELE designed it. I had minimal exposure to the outside world. Every book I read, every news article I saw, every bit of pop culture I absorbed was filtered by SEELE first. Even the music I learned to play on the piano was hand-picked by Kiel."
"I see…" Rei spaks,
"So when did you learn fully of what you were and of your mission to go to Tokyo-3?"
My mouth dries up once more as I try to figure out the right words to say. I do not have any difficulty in remembering it though, that time period is very clear in my head.
"The older I got the more Kiel would speak to me of my destiny and tell me of my important task. I… admit I didn't fully understand how I could be so special, I didn't feel special in anyway until one day… I felt a sudden change within myself, it was the day that the Third Angel attacked."
"The call of Lillith…" Rei muses.
"Yes! You felt it too right?" I almost stand up as I ask her eagerly, Rei knew of the call of Lillith. Does this mean that she too understand the pain that I felt from it? Did she feel the call too? I know the others did, my so called brethren. Those grotesque monsters that threatened this very planet. I almost ended up like them, I could have taken on the form of some gargantuan nightmare instead of this human body I ended up inhabiting. I suppose that is the one thing I should be thankful to SEELE for, they rescued Tabris and guided it into this body.
"Yes." Rei finally answers me,
"I too felt the call."
"SEELE… Well Kiel, he explained to me that the pain I was feeling was from Adam. Adam was the father and that my role, as the son, would be to reunite with Adam and bring forth a new dawn for humanity." I continue to explain to her, as I speak I can again hear the anger and bitterness in my voice, "One by one the other Angels fell… I could feel their screams of pain as they perished. It was… not pleasant but I knew that they had to die. There was only one being worthy of accomplishing the task of uniting with Adam and that was me. After… After five months I was told my day had come, I was to go to Tokyo-3."
I can feel my heart tightening as I speak those words, I'm starting to feel sick as I recall how I felt on the day I was told I would be going. Unlike now, back then I felt no fear, instead I was excited to be given my tasks and told that my actions would save humanity and lead it to a new future.
"You would become the Fifth Child, so at that point you knew of your nature as an Angel? Had you piloted an Evangelion at that point?"
"No, I hadn't. The Eva Series was in production and SEELE was more than confident in my abilities to not rush anything. Over the course of those five months I had become adept in manifesting and using my A.T. Field. They informed me what the A.T. Field was and of the nature of the Evangelions. When the day approached they told me that the soul within Unit 02 had regressed meaning the creature within it would easily submit to my will."
I pause again, "They told me a brief version of what the Angels were and where humanity come from. I knew humanity from that moment forward as the Lilin. I was then given my complete mission, first I was to befriend Shinji Ikari. They told me about him and his history, gave me enough to be able to approach him and speak to him, tell him what he would want to hear. I…. I would befriend him and then I would go and unite with Adam… I… I was…"
I have to pause again as the lump in my throat returns. I still have more to tell Rei, about me betraying him, about me finding out I was the one who had been betrayed. All those years believing I was special and had a purpose only to find out my purpose was to die. I feel the tears start to flow and I let out a choked sob, "I… I… I'm so sorry Rei, I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I didn't… I didn't want to hurt him… I… I…."
"Nagisa…" I hear Rei speak my name and it pulls me from my hysteria,
"I… I am sorry you had to do what you did."
I sniff loudly as I wipe away a tear, "I… Thought I was going to help people Rei. It wasn't until I saw Lillith standing in front of me that I knew… that what I was doing was wrong and then… I had no choice but to die."
I wipe away another tear, "I know that doesn't justify any of it. I know I don't deserve forgiveness but…"
"No, you are wrong." Rei interrupts me,
"You do deserve forgiveness. You deserve the same opportunities that I have been granted. You and I… we are the same. I was created for a singular purpose and I was on the verge of carrying it out. It was only at the last minute that I was stopped and even then… my actions caused a lot of pain and suffering."
I listen as she speaks,
"When I returned I feared that people would know and hate me for what I had done. They did not, instead they accepted me, Shinji… Asuka… Misato they forgave me without question. They never spoke of what I had done and so I buried it. My story is not dissimilar to yours Kaworu, we were both raised in ignorance of the truth and used as tools to be cast aside by others. You… You do deserve forgiveness and I will help you."
I smile, "Thank you… Truly Rei… Thank you so much."