Sort of nervous about posting this one because this fic has been in the works for quite some time. I actually had the idea for this quite some time ago but was waiting until I had finished You Must (Not) Run Away first, anyway I finished that one and started work on it but I sort of lost the drive to write for a time and when I looked at it I just wasn't 100% happy with what I had. I thought the ideas were good but it just didn't seem right, I made a decision last week to swap the perspective and now I am happy with it.
So I'm proud to present 'Braver Than We Are', my latest Evangelion fic. This one is set in the original Neon Genesis Evangelion timeline and starts five years after EoE. I don't really want to say too much more than that, just I hope you enjoy the first chapter and the story.
Can I hold on, can I believe in
All the things you are?
There's no sane in, chaos reigns in Subterranea
(Subterrenea - IQ)
January 11th 2021
Tokyo 3 Outskirts - Early Morning
There is a bright flash of light and I suddenly become aware of my surroundings. I'm underwater, swimming in a dark red liquid. I feel panic within me as I hold my breath and swim towards the surface as quick as I can. My limbs feel as if they're on fire as I finally reach the surface of the water and gasp for air.
I float on the surface for a few moments taking in my surroundings. Off in the distance I see the land, without hesitating I start to swim towards it as fast as my aching body will take me. As I move a sickening smell infiltrates my nostrils, my mind registers what this foul copper-like smell is.
Blood... Am I swimming in blood? I try not to think about it. Survival and getting out of this liquid is the priority. I move forward and my mind informs me that swimming has never been one of my strengths. It was something I was capable of but never enjoyed or excelled at. Fortunately, that doesn't seem to matter as I reach the land.
I'm thankful for the sensation of the soft sand beneath my naked feet as I take a few slow and careful steps out of the water. Every part of my body hurts and I again find myself thankful for the sand being there to cushion me as I fall forward. Some of it flies up into my face and mouth, I try to spit it out before rolling onto my back and simply lying there for a few moments to catch my breath.
I can now feel the water lapping at my bare feet and the hems of my trousers. I can still smell the blood-like smell of the liquid and in my weakened state I prop myself up onto my elbows and try to shift away from the liquid. Above me the sky is a brilliant blue, the sun shining down on me and there is a gentle but cool breeze in the air.
I look down at myself. I'm barefoot and wearing a pair of black trousers, this is accompanied by a white button-up shirt that is currently open revealing a tattered orange t-shirt. I look up from myself to the rest of my surroundings. Ahead of me I see the pool I emerged from, it's an incredibly large body of water coloured a deep blood red. The smell of it makes me feel sick but I can see that it is not blood as I feared.
I look around and some additional monuments catch my eye. I feel rising out of the water a number of large strange statues. They're posed in cross like forms, their arms stretching out wide. I shudder at the sight of them. There is something eerily familiar about them, something familiar and terrifying. I dislike this feeling and turn my head away not wishing to see them any longer.
'Where am I?' I ask myself as I take another look around, trying to avoid looking at the statues. As I look around I see other things that catch my eye and seem so familiar to me. I see the remains of buildings sticking up out of the water and I wonder exactly what happened here. What cause all of this to happen and why am I here now?
I try to cast my mind back to what happened before I emerged from that pool. I try to remember what happened to me before that bright flash of light. It's at this moment I feel my stomach drop and little pangs of panic rise up inside me.
I... I can't remember. I can't... remember anything before that flash of light. I don't know what happened before it, I don't know... I don't know who I am!
"Who am I?"
I speak the words aloud hoping that maybe hearing the sound of my own voice might trigger something inside of me.
It doesn't. Instead I feel more pangs of panic inside my stomach and I feel sicker than before. I don't know who I am! I don't know my name, where I came from, why I'm here or anything. No matter how much I try to remember, I'm just drawing a blank.
I get myself onto my knees and crawl forward towards the water. Pain shoots through my body with each movement but I try to shrug it off. I can't stop... I... I have to know.
"Who.... Who Am I?"
I say the words again as I get closer to the water. I look down at it hoping to see some sort of reflection. Some sort of clue as to who I am but the water is too dark to reflect anything for me to see.
"Who am I!"
I ask again as I bring my hand down into the water in frustration. I feel the droplets splash up onto my face.
"Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?"
I keep asking and with each time I ask I bring a hand down into the water. I'm vaguely aware of a sound from behind me but I don't care to turn around and see what it is. All that matters to me is trying to find an answer to who I am. I dislike this. I hate this. I'm terrified of this. I need to know. I need to know!
"Who! Am! I!"
I ask again as both hands come down, more water splashed up onto me as I hear another sound. It sounds like something slamming and moments later it's accompanied by the sound of footsteps. I don't turn around, I find myself frozen with fear as I wait for them to approach. The sound stops and I hear a voice, that of a young woman.
"Go and contact headquarters, tell them they were right and we have another survivor. Get them to prepare one of the rooms. I'll deal with this."
I still don't turn around but I'm fairly sure one of the others has turned and went away. I remain still as I hear the woman start to walk towards me. She stops a metre or two away from me and I slowly turn myself around.
She is looking at me somewhat cautiously, perhaps the way someone might approach an animal they were unsure of. She kneels slowly and I take the time to look at her properly. She is a young woman with long brown hair done up in a ponytail. She is wearing a uniform that I don't recognize. Her expression seems warm and friendly but also cautious.
"Don't be afraid. We're here to help you." She finally says in a warm tone.
"Who... Who am I?" I ask weakly, "I... I don't... I don't remember... anything."
She takes a few steps forward and kneels down in front of me. She places a warm hand on my shoulder and rubs gently, "It'll be alright, it's a side effect of the emergence. In time you'll be fine, we're going to take you back to a safe place. Is that alright?"
I nod weakly at her. I don't know what she means by emergence but I feel like I can trust her.
"Good. Can you stand?"
I nod again, "I-I think so."
She gets to her feet and extends a hand towards me. I reach out and take it and she helps me to my feet. My body still aches and I stumble forward slightly but she is there to catch me. She puts my arm around her shoulders and helps guide me towards a waiting vehicle and her colleague. I remain silent as I'm helped into the back of the vehicle as she takes a radio from him.
"Team 2-A reporting in, I have one survivor. Male, late teens and showing some signs of emergence sickness. Will need a doctor on standby for when we return."
I hear the voice on the other side come through clearly, "A survivor? Been quite a while since the last one. We've got a room ready as we speak and I'll let the medical team know to be on standby. Anything else to report?"
"Nothing, it's all quiet out here. Will see you shortly."
The two of them climb into the vehicle properly and close the door. I look around and bring the belt around me and clip it in. It's strange that I can't remember who I am but I know to do this. As the car moves away I begin to wonder who these people are and what this emergence sickness was they mentioned.
After a minute or so the man in the car turns himself around, he is about the same age as the girl.
"Our facility is only about ten minutes away from here." He tells me, "You know, you're the first person we've seen emerge in quite some time. We thought that all who were going to return had already returned by now."
I look at him in confusion not really knowing what he is talking about. All I can do is nod my head and immediately he seems to recognize my confusion.
"Sorry, I guess you probably don't have a clue what I'm talking about do you?"
I shake my head, "I am sorry."
"No need to apologize." He says to me, "it's the emergence sickness. It affects most of us when we come out. Tend to draw a complete blank as to who we are and what happened before. It'll pass tough, it always does!"
I feel somewhat reassured by his words but that little feeling of dread is still hanging there. I resist the urge to ask questions like, 'what if it doesn't?'
"So is there anything you do remember?"
"No... nothing." I tell him.
"Well try to not worry about it!" He reassures me again, "Few days rest and everything will work out fine."
UN Emergence Support Facility – Late Evening
I look into the bathroom mirror and once again try to recall just who it is I am. I can feel the frustration beginning to set in for me. It's been this way for three quarters of an hour and I've come no closer to remembering who I am than I was this morning.
I know that they said this would only be temporary but I want to know, I need to know. I don't want to just sit there and wait. I want to try and do everything I can to remember. I want to remember as soon as I can but as I look in this mirror all I see is the reflection of someone I don't know. I see eyes that I've never seen before, I see an expression I don't know and I'm scared. What if I can't remember?
I had the chance to find out some things about what had happened. I found out that five years ago there was a cataclysmic event that threatened the world. It was an event known as the Third Impact, it had ultimately been stopped but a large number of people had vanished as a result of it. Many of those people had since returned, they had emerged from the very same body of water that I emerged from.
They also explained the 'Emergence Sickness' phenomenon to me too. A number of returnees had suffered from a loss of memory similar to what I have done. All of these people would recover their members in time, some of them in a few hours and others would take a few days. They had no process for helping this happen, it was said that it would just happen in time.
All I have to do is wait. All I have to do is wait and feel this frustration within me knowing I could do nothing about it. All I can do is wait and feel fear at the thought that I might be the first who doesn't recover my memory. What if I go the rest of my life not knowing who I truly am?
No! I will recover them, I can… I can feel them somewhere inside of me. I know they're there, as I listened to those people today I would hear certain words and phrases that would trigger certain feelings or emotions inside of me. I must be close to remembering but it is almost as if my memories are locked behind some giant door and I need to find the key.
I look once again at my own reflection and I observe just how peculiar I look compared to the others here. No one mentioned anything but upon seeing my own face for the first time I can see the striking differences between myself and them. It is like I am some sort of alien amongst them. I fix my gaze at the unknown face, stare deep into the red eyes, run my hand through my grey hair and observe my pale skin.
Perhaps… Perhaps it would be best if I took their advice and go to sleep. Maybe in the morning I will remember. I look towards the other room and I can feel tiredness throughout my body. I will sleep, tomorrow may bring the answers I seek.
January 12th - Early Morning
I remember! I remember! I remember!
I awake suddenly from my restless slumber, I can feel my heart pounding rapidly in my chest and I feel the sheets cling to my sweat covered body. Tears sting my eyes as I lay on my side with my eyes wide open staring at the wall.
I know who I am! I know what I am and… I know that I should not… I should not be here.
As I lay on my side not daring to move my nightmare replays itself in my head. I have never dreamed before. I was… I was incapable of such things, I thought I was incapable of such things and yet I have experienced that very such thing right now. The dream was of those final moments, my taking of Evangelion Unit 02, that long trip down to Central Dogma, my conversation with Shinji and my sacrifice.
I have very little time to dwell on this as I'm suddenly hit with another new and unpleasant sensation. A sharp pain is felt in my stomach and I feel an odd queasiness and dizziness in my head. I lie still for a moment hoping it will go away before the pain turns to a burning sensation. In that moment my instincts kick in and I leap out of the bed.
I sprint into the bathroom just in time for the feeling to completely overwhelm me. I collapse to my knees both of them hitting the tiled floor roughly and painfully. I feel more pain throughout me as I retch and throw up violently into the toilet bowl.
With my stomach emptied I remain still for a moment and let out a soft whimper as more tears run down my cheek. My stomach and chest hurt so much, my knees hurt from collapsing onto them. I weakly reach for a piece of toilet tissue and wipe my mouth before flushing the contents of the toilet.
I let out another soft whimper. I remember everything now. I remember it all so clearly. I daren't move from my position in the cold bathroom. Instead I bring my knees up to my naked chest and wrap my arms around them.
All of those memories were rushing through my head now. I can remember it all. I can remember NERV, SEELE, my own birth and the man who raised me. I can remember Shinji with his sweet smile and innocence. I can remember his eyes when I betrayed him. I can… remember it all now and contrary to my previous wishes I wish I could forget it again.
I am Kaworu Nagisa… I was the last Angel mankind had to face. I should not be alive. These thoughts continue to cycle through my mind as I hug my knees tightly and my soft whimpers turn to loud sobs. I fear sleep will not find me again tonight as I sit sobbing on the hard bathroom floor.
January 19th – Morning
One week has passed since I emerged from the sea of souls as I have come to understand it. One week since I was somehow given a second chance at life. One whole week of nights filled with nightmares and days filled with the fear of others. I've spent each day since I recalled who I was living in fear that I will be hurt. I've spent each night terrified of going to sleep knowing that only nightmares will await me.
It is something of a cruel irony, in my past life I had always wondered what it must be like to dream. I was almost envious of those Lilim who did so. I always wondered what sort of dreams I would have and wished that I were able to. Now I just wish I could be like that again. The reality is far more terrifying than the fantasy.
Yet dreams were just one thing I have had to get used to over this past week. I have been examined by this facilities medical staff, spoken to the people who brought me in and it seems I am now completely human. I am no longer an Angel, I am one of them.
It is a feeling that is both liberating to me and terrifying at the same time. I find myself no longer plagued by the crippling loneliness I used to feel in that form, I also find myself no longer plagued by the call of Adam or Lilith. I am no longer able to sense the A.T. Fields of every being around me but I am also no longer able to protect myself with my own A.T. Field should the need arise.
I have found myself struggling with the array of emotions within me. When I was an Angel I felt emotions but they were always dulled by other parts that made up myself. I perhaps did not feel them nor could I express them quite as a human would. Yet now I am feeling these things, I am feeling fear and sadness properly for the first time, it is somewhat overwhelming to get used to.
Again I used to wonder what it'd be like to feel those unchained emotions. To be able to express myself properly and experience what humans feel. They were always fascinating beings to me, I was always told I was above them, better than them and yet in many ways I longed to be one of them. I wondered what made me above them, what made me better than them? I know the truth now, I was not above them or better than them, I was simply different but… I have realized this truth much too late.
In speaking to me I have been assured by the people who brought me in that I am safe. That they do know who I was and what I was and that no harm will come to me. That I am to be treated the same as anyone else who has been through this process has been. It is a small comfort to me, a person who was brought up being told constantly about the negative side of humanity.
As I lie in my bed my thoughts turn once again to the person who I hurt all those years ago. I wonder if these feelings of fear I have now are what he used to feel. Did you feel fear like this Shinji? Did you feel it each time before you piloted the Eva? Did you feel it before you went to school? Was this fear inside me the same as the crippling fear inside of you?
I sit myself up and look around my quarters. They are somewhat barren but larger and more homely than what I was used to in the past. In one corner is a wardrobe with a chest of drawers next to it that I am used to store the clothing I've been given by the facility staff.
In an opposite corner is a small kitchen where I am able to make myself small meals and tea. The centre of the room has a small sofa with a television set up in front of it. I grab the remote control and turn the television on. Immediately I'm greeted by two hosts on some morning talk show, they seem to be discussing a news report about a recent raid on what was suspected to be a SEELE facility.
I quickly change the channel not wishing to hear anything related to that organization now or in the near future. Instead I settle on some kids cartoon and leave it on in the background as I start to get changed. I get halfway through putting my trousers on before I hear a faint knock at the door.
"Just a moment." I call out to whoever it is and finish putting on the rest of my clothes. I button up my shirt and wander over to the door. Opening it reveals Kodama Horaki, the woman who found me on the beach a week ago.
"Mr Nagisa." She addresses me in a formal manner, one that makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. I've never really understood formal greetings as far as humans go but it is not my lack of understanding that provides discomfort. It is that it reminds me of my first meeting with Shinji Ikari.
I force a smile to my lips, "Please... As I have said before feel free to call me Kaworu."
She nods at me, "Fine, Kaworu it is then! How are you feeling today?"
I step aside and let her into the room and close the door behind her. I look for a moment and the smile leaves my lips. I consider telling her I am fine but it would not help me to lie to her.
"I am... feeling better. I am still struggling with the nightmares though."
Her expression softened on hearing my words, "That's understandable, a lot of people when they emerge do experience these things for a short amount of time. If they are that bad then I might be able to speak to someone to give you something?"
I shake my head, "No, I would... as frightening as they are I should deal with them. I fear that they are not just a symptom of the emergence but something else. It is just... I am not used to the experience of dreaming either."
"You did not dream beforehand?" She asked me with some surprise in her voice.
I shake my head once again, "No I didn't. I needed to rest and sleep in my previous body but dreams were not part of that process. I was told about dreams and what they were and I did wonder what it would be like to experience one. It is... ironic that in receiving my answer it only serves to terrify me."
"Like I said, if you need anything we can help you."
"I... Thank you, I will deal with it for the moment but remember your offer."
I look awkwardly around the room searching for some words to say. Before all of this, words would come to me so easily. Now I find myself struggling for things to say to people, I find myself silent a lot of the time.
I look towards Kodama again. She was not only the one who found me last week but she is also the one who has been helping me figure things out and guide me somewhat. When I remembered who I was she was the first one I told. She did not seem to be angry at me or upset with me despite knowing who and what I was. She is curious and something about her is familiar yet I do not know quite what it is.
I think of something to say and strangely one question comes to mind, "Can I ask... what is going to happen to me?"
I pause for a moment, "It is my understanding that this facility was made for people to stay in on a temporary basis, am I right in assuming this is the case for me too?"
Kodama let's out a sigh and shifts from one leg to the other, "Well actually that is why I'm here to talk to you. Your... situation is a unique one Kaworu. There is a lot of discussion going on above me that I'm not exactly privy too."
"That is... understandable." I reply.
"Not just because of who you were but also because of who you are now, you see usually when people emerge and we know who they are we'll start a process of tracking down friends and family."
It's hard for me to hide the sadness in my voice a I reply to her, "And I do not have either of those."
She steps forwards and places a warm comforting hand on my shoulder, "You don't have anything?"
I shake my head, "Nothing, I was born into what the world knew as SEELE. My entire existence and upbringing were based around one thing and one thing alone. I... I was not supposed to live past that moment."
"Kaworu..." She pulls me in closer, not quite hugging me completely but just enough to comfort me.
"Friends and family were something I did not know, I am... alone in this world."
There is a brief pause, she looks like she wants to say something but is hesitant. Finally, she does actually speak, "There is always Tokyo-2... We have rehomed most of the former NERV staff there and..."
I take a step back and feel the fear rise up inside me as I shake my head, "N-No! I.. I do not think that after what I nearly did... I don't think It would be wise for me to be in such an environment."
She steps puts her hand up to her chin and thinks about it for a moment, "I understand. Such things can... wait for the moment. As I mentioned the discussions are going on above me so I do not know the options available yet."
"I am... a unique and complex case." I say with some humour in my voice.
"Yeah... You certainly are." She smiles reassuringly at me, "It might take some time Kaworu but... whilst you're here I want to make sure you have everything you need to be happy. If you... If you need anything at all just reach out and ask me."
It is quite an odd feeling to have someone ask me what it is I desire. It's a question I've never been asked before. Usually things were just given to me with an expectation that I would do what is required and no more or less. My upbringing was orchestrated by a committee and handled by many. It was broken down into stages and mapped out for me.
So now I have to think, is there anything that I... Kaworu Nagisa want? What do I desire? What are my likes and dislikes? Who... who exactly am I? I have shelter, I have access to food and I have some small comforts like a warm bed and a television. It's all provided to me and yet I am being offered more?
Part of me would feel ungrateful and uncomfortable for asking for anything else. After all is this not enough? I have not exactly done anything to warrant anything else. Yet... there is something I do desire. Something that when I think back on did make me happy in the past and might help me now. I look at Kodama, "Actually.... Is there a piano in this facility?"
"A piano?" She half smiles as she asks the question and I instantly feel uncomfortable asking for such a thing. Perhaps that was too much, too big of a thing to ask for.
I nod, "Yes... I... I used to enjoy playing the piano. I think... I think it might help if I could play again?"
Her smile widens, "I'm not sure but... I'll see what I can do."
January 26th - Afternoon
My fingers dance lightly across the piano as I feel myself completely lost in my own music. I pay no attention to the book in front of me instead I allow myself to play what it is I desire. I allow myself to play without any idea of what it is that'll come next. I skip from note to note, black key to white key, shifting scale and time signature exploring the full depth of what it is I can do.
Joy lights up my heart as I play, I feel free, a sensation unlike any I have felt before. I wonder if this is is how all those great musicians felt when they composed. Lost in their music and the worlds they created with their symphonies.
Kodama had, much to my great joy been able to find a piano. An older model that had been locked away in the facilities storage. It had been brought in when the centre had opened many years ago but put away again when the number of returnees had dropped off. I was of course the first person to emerge for quite some time, it was quite a shock to the people who worked here but they also seemed somewhat pleased to have me around.
Since I have returned I have learned a few things from Kodama about this place. Before my return there had been talks of actually repurposing this facility for other usage. The area around Tokyo-3 had recently been discussed as a place of interest for certain groups. I do now know what for and I do not feel I need to know but as far as I have been told until they were certain no one would return this place would remain open.
I bring my improvisation to a halt and almost immediately I hear the sounds of polite applause from behind me. I feel myself blush immensely as I turn around and see Kodama beaming at me from across the room.
"That was amazing Kaworu! How long have you been playing for?"
I smile nervously, I am unused to praise for my abilities, in my past I was told what I did was adequate and no more.
"As long as I can remember." I say to her, "It was... one of the few forms of entertainment I was granted access to I suppose. My former handlers felt I should have some appreciation for human culture and so the piano was chosen for me along with the works of various classical composers."
"Was it one of their pieces you were playing just now?"
I allow myself a smile and shake my head, "It was not... I was... Improvising just now. I suppose you could call it my first act of rebellion against them."
"Rebellion?" She asks with some curiosity.
I smile sheepishly, "When I was with them I did enjoy what I was exposed to. I truly thought it was wondrous and the very height of human culture. How people could tell stories and convey emotion with notes on a page. Yet I was limited in what I could do, I was to play only works by the so-called greats. My days were filled with endless recitals of Back, Beethoven, Mozart and so on and so forth."
"And you didn't enjoy this?"
"At the time I didn't mind but... I no longer have a desire to go back to those. I wish to create my own path."
Kodama sits herself down near to me, "Sounds like some really pushy parents. So... it was just the 'greats'? No modern stuff at all?"
"I am afraid not." I reply, "The past one hundred and fifty years or so of human popular culture is little more than a blank to me. I know a few names here and there but I cannot say I have ever watched a television show properly, I have not seen a movie nor did I listen to anything modern. I was..."
I trailed off as I see her stand up and come over to me. She sits herself down next to me on the bench and puts an arm around me.
"I'm... so sorry you had to go through that Kaworu."
I shrug, "It is... something I have come to accept and I suppose I did not think about it at the time. My life was driven by one purpose, one goal and that was supposed to lead humanity onto its next stage... I..."
I trail off again and sniff as I feel the emotion well up inside of me. A tear trickles down my cheek as she hugs me closer to her.
"I was not aware of how lonely my existence was."
Her arm tightens, "You don't need to be alone anymore Kaworu. There is a huge world out there and plenty of time for you to explore all sorts of things.
I look at her and wipe the tears away, "I am... truly sorry for what I was Kodama..."
"you don't have to be." She replies sternly, "What happened... It wasn't your fault. We know what SEELE did to you and also to many others. We know how they hurt and manipulated people. The best thing you can do now is move forward Kaworu..."
"I... I guess."
She looks at me, "Anyway I wasn't just hear to attend your little concert, it seems you have a visitor."
I look at her in confusion, "A visitor? For me? I do not understand, I don't know anyone here unless..."
I can feel my eyes widen as that now familiar feeling of fear rises up inside me again. There is no one in this world I have any attachment to but one but... he could not be the visitor, could he? If he is then... no... I can't face him. I can never face him.
"Actually..." Kodama speaks up, "We were a little bit confused too, we didn't... think the two of you had any connection but he has insisted on seeing you. He says he wants to help put things right for you."
Meeting Room
I'm not quite sure what to expect as I follow Kodama silently through the corridors of the facility. I try to think about who this person might be, my mind running through a number of possibilities. I had not dared to ask Kodama who this person was fearing what the answer might actually be.
My mind had of course wondered if it might be Shinji. When I think about what I know, or at least what I knew of Shinji it would be just like him to come to me wanting to make things right. It'd be just like him to blame himself for what had happened. Yet that was the Shinji of back then, a lot will likely have changed in the five years that have passed.
I of course do not know what I would do if it were Shinji, I sincerely hope it is not him. I am not in a position to face him nor do I think I will ever be. I hurt Shinji badly, I offered him friendship and love when he was at his lowest and I betrayed him. It matters not that my feelings for him were real, I cared for Shinji, I wanted to be friends with him and despite knowing him for a short time I dare say that I felt love for him.
Yet I could not do anything to fight against the cruel masters known as SEELE or the call that I felt within my heart. Yet these things matter not, it has all happened and I cannot go back. I cannot change what transpired. I can only go on knowing that my actions helped drive Shinji to his lowest point and hope that he has maybe found some peace.
I try to think of other possibilities, perhaps I can eliminate Shinji as a possibility. Kodama said she didn't think me and this other person had any connection. There were others in NERV that had encountered me only a number of time. Yet I cannot think of anyone who would wish to make anything up to me.
There is another possibility, perhaps a fallen member of SEELE but then… which one would have had such a change of heart? They all treated me with such disdain, like the tool that I was. Those old men would never change, I am certain of that.
As we move into another corridor I see Kodama stop and she turns to face me, "Are you nervous?"
I nod, "Somewhat, I cannot imagine who it is who would wish to meet with me nor can I think of anyone who would wish to put anything right with me. If anything it is I who has a lot to put right with others."
"You know… you yourself were not to blame for what happened Kaworu." Kodama looks at me sternly as she speaks, "In your situation I think… I think all of us would have acted in the same way. You were born into that organization, you were raised by them and conditioned by them. Yet when it came to it you did not destroy us, you tried… to give us some hope and allowed humanity to go forward."
I look at her and shake my head, "I hurt someone who had placed all their trust in me in the process."
"Perhaps you did but… the way I see it you didn't have a choice. You didn't know better." She replied, "Things ended up alright in the end and… well you have the opportunity to have a life now. Life in Tokyo-3… wasn't easy."
I look up at her and find it hard to hide my surprise, "You were in Tokyo-3?"
She shoots me a grin, "Yeah! Although we actually evacuated shortly before your arrival. If things had been different… well you probably would have been one of my sisters' classmates!"
"Y-Your sister?"
Kodama nods, "Yup! Hikari, she was the class rep at that time!"
"Of course." I mutter, now I know where I have heard Kodama's name before. Hikari was one of the students that would have been in his class. I had been given a file about his fellow classmates before he was sent to Tokyo-3.
"I… I thought your name seemed familiar… I was… SEELE give me a list of people who would have been in my class."
She shakes her head, "You don't need to explain, anyway we shouldn't keep our guest waiting any longer."
Kodama opens the door for me and I look into the room and fix my gaze on the elderly man wearing a dark blue suit and tie. He has a folder tucked under one arm and I'm surprised to see a warm smile on his face. He looks towards myself and Kodama and with his gaze I feel myself rooted to the spot. Of all the possibilities I did not consider that my visitor would be the former NERV Sub Commander Kozo Fuyutsuki.
He bows politely, "Ms Horaki, Mr Nagisa."
I bow my head politely, "H-Hello."
Kodama also greets him politely, "Mr Fuyutsuki."
I avert my eyes for a moment and look around the meeting room. It was a fairly basic affair, they had set up a small coffee table along with a couch and some comfortable chairs. A few colourful plants and pictures had been placed around the edges for decoration. Guided by Kodama I make my way into the room and sit myself down on the couch next to her.
This was most certainly not what I was expecting. I admittedly know very little about Fuyutsuki. I know what he was Gendo Ikari's right hand man at NERV and had some history with both Gendo and Yui Ikari. Outside of that I know nothing else, he was a non-factor in my mission.
"Thank you for arranging this." He speaks to Kodama before turning to look at me, "How are you feeling Mr Nagisa?"
I nod, "I am… feeling okay."
"That is good to hear, I understand myself that emerging from the sea is not the most pleasant of feelings. I will not take up too much of your time."
"I… do not mind." I say to him before continuing and expressing my confusion, "I must admit that I am somewhat confused by your being here. It was mentioned that… well you wanted to…"
"Make things up to you?" Fuyutsuki finishes my sentence for me, "Yet you do not recall us meeting. This is true, we did not meet once during your brief moments in Tokyo-3."
I nod, "Then… what do you have to make right with me?"
He shakes his head and sighs, "Perhaps I used the wrong phrase. I suppose… well what I am doing is a little bit selfish on my part. An attempt to make myself feel better about what happened for aiding in ruining the lives of many. Since that Third Impact I have been… making an attempt to contribute and help those who need it."
I look at Kodama in confusion and she starts to speak, "Fuyutsuki was actually one of the founding members of this facility. He left after the first year though to travel the world and provide medical aid to those who needed it in areas damaged by the two Impact incidents. Fuyutsuki was… also instrumental in making sure the survivors of Tokyo-3 were given appropriate support and compensation packages."
"I… I see…" I stutter out a response, "So… you wish to help me?"
He nods, "I do. I'm going to be travelling to Europe shortly and will be staying in Germany for quite some time. I'm in need of an assistant to help me in my work. It will not be difficult work, nothing you couldn't learn to do easily. You will of course be paid for your work and on top of that I will ensure you have a place to stay on top of the compensation package you'll receive as a former pilot."
I look at him in confusion, "I don't understand, surely there are many others already more qualified to do this than I. After all you know the circumstances of what I was and who I am."
He nods again, "Yes I do, I know who you are and what SEELE did for you. I know that you and the other pilots have all experienced something horrible in your lives and I also know that I am partly to blame for that."
He pauses for a moment to sip from his coffee, "I know that if I were to live another hundred years I could not possibly erase all the damage I have done but I wish to do what I can whilst I can."
"So that includes helping me?"
"Yes. I… do not expect you to answer me right away and I will not mind if you choose to reject my offer. I understand if you want to leave this place and forge a new life away from me and all of this but I ask that you at least consider it."
"I-I see…" I nod again as he places a folder down on the table, "In which case I shall consider your offer."
February 9th - Facility Entranceway
It has been two weeks now since Fuyutsuki come to me with his offer of aiding me in starting a new life and working for him. Since his visit I looked extensively over the information he provided trying to understand what it was I would be doing. It seems that I will be aiding Fuyutsuki mostly in an administrative capacity. It seems like fairly basic things, filling out reports and mailing them for him. Handling calls and arranging appointments. All things that I feel I'm capable of doing.
For accepting this role I'll be paid a wage and given my own apartment in Berlin. This will be on top of a package I'll be receiving from the UN as part of my compensation. I still don't really understand why I'm owed anything for my role in NERV. If anything I nearly destroyed their world rather than saved it.
As I stand here I wonder if I am right in accepting Fuyutsuki's offer. I look at this as an opportunity to finally start to learn about the world and experience what life has to offer. As I stand her though all I feel is sadness and the familiar sense of fear once more.
I look behind me at the entrance to the facility that I have called my home for the last month. This place has been a safe space for me that has helped shelter me from the pain that I know waits outside its walls. It is a place where all I had to fear were the thoughts inside my head, but out here I have so much more to be afraid of.
"Nervous?" I hear Kodama's voice from behind me.
I nod, "Before… Before I was sent to Tokyo-3… Keel and the others in SEELE would often tell me about this world. They would tell me how corrupt and unsafe it was, about how dangerous humanity was. They would inform me of news reports on terrorist attacks, wars, murder, sexual assault and more. They told me about the world dark history, its many genocides, slavery and violent conquests."
"They really tried to get you to believe humanity was at a dead end didn't they?"
I nod again, "Yes… I think that even then I knew what they were doing. I knew they were hiding the positive and beauty of the world from me. After all how could a world so bad produce the beautiful music I heard and performed?"
I shuffle my feet, "I know the beauty of this world but I know it is dangerous and I am afraid."
"I understand, it can be scary out there."
"Also…" I pause, "I will be returning to Germany… to Berlin the… place of my 'birth' as it were."
"Do you remember anything of the city?"
I shake my head, "Nothing, only a few pictures. I was never allowed out into the city itself. I can only remember parts of the facility that I was raised in."
"Well it's a beautiful city from what I hear. I'm sure you'll love it."
"I hope so." I smile and watch as a black car pulls up in front of us, "I suppose that this is goodbye."
She nods before grabbing and pulling me close to her and hugging me, "Good luck Kaworu, please promise you'll stay in touch. I want to know everything okay?"
I nod, "I will. Thank you for everything Kodama."
With those words she releases me from the hug. I pick up the small suitcase I have and walk towards the car. I'm greeted by a smiling man in a suit, he takes the case from me and places it in the boot of the car. I feel a cool breeze around me as I turn and give Kodama and the facility one last glance.
I get into the back of the car and moments later it slowly pulls away from the facility. I now take the opportunity to take the gift Kodama has given me from my pocket. A music player filled with music of influential musicians from the late 60s through to the present day. I hear the music fill my ears as I gaze out of the window.
I suppose this is onwards towards my new future, a future that I did not expect I would ever have.
Thought I'd start by saying thank you to everyone for the kind words and likes so far, really really appreciate it.
So I've been working on the second chapter of this. Technically I have it written already but I need to go through and adapt it for the first person perspective instead. I've done two out of the 5 or so sections in there so thought I'd drop a preview of the opening of the chapter. Hope you all enjoy meeting Asuka.
August 15th
Cafe – Berlin – Early Morning
As I step out of the hot morning sun that shines overhead in Berlin and into the cool air-conditioned space that the café offers I reach up and take off my sunglasses. I look around and see a few people are here already. University students mostly come to study or recover from a night out drinking. Finally, I spot my target, a small and empty seat by the window, a perfect spot for me. I walk over and set my laptop down on the table, plug it into the wall socket and prepare to start my work.
I'm barely able to load up the document before I hear a loud voice from behind me call out my name, "Asuka! It's so nice to see you, your usual?"
I turn to look and call back with a grin, "Of course!"
I see the source of the voice get to work behind the counter. He's the owner of this café, a short, jolly rotund man with a bushy blonde moustache. I always thought he looked a bit out of place running a café like this. He looks more like he'd be at home as one of the Gauls from and Asterix and Obelix comic.
Yet here he is running a café like this, not only does he run it but he is very good at it. It's become quite a popular little place since it opened up about a year ago. I come here frequently to get on with my work.
In barely any time at all I find him stood behind me, setting my coffee down on the table.
I smile politely, "Thank you, is it only you wokring today?"
He shakes his head, "Sofia should be coming in shortly. So, what are you working on?"
I shrug, "Nothing overly important. I'm just trying to finish up a few edits for the book before I send it off to the publishers for review. It's still a bit of a rough draft but it seems they want to make the announcement early and get some previews made. They want to make sure they get the news out of the sequel whilst there is still some hype for the original."
"Oh! How exciting!" He booms, "Does that mean you'll be getting interviewed by the press?"
"No chance!" I exclaim and shake my head, "I'm not even bothered if the damn thing gets published. It was just because a friend opened their mouth to someone the first one got published, I just want to write them."
"You don't fancy even a small bit of the publicity from it?"
"Like I care about something like that!" I snort with laughter, "Why do you think I write under a pseudonym? I don't need to be noticed or popular, other people can do all that."
For a brief moment it seems as though his expression changes to one of disbelief or confusion but in a second he goes back to his smiling self. I suppose I can maybe forgive his confusion, after all it is perhaps strange that someone would go to the effort of working so hard on something like I did and when it's out there not wishing for any publicity but he doesn't know me. He doesn't know the real me anyway.
Maybe once upon a time I'd have welcomed the publicity and opportunity to be noticed. I'd have demanded the publicity and been on hand to sign copies and have my name be known. I'm no longer that person though. Now I just want peace and quiet and for people to leave me alone. I'm not that bratty kid who demanded to be seen and be the centre of attention. I no longer desire for people to praise me constantly and worship the ground I walk on.
I am no longer Asuka Langley Soryu, the brash Evangelion pilot. I'm Asuka Langley Soryu, I live in Berlin and I write teen fiction as a hobby. Somehow, I managed to be quite good at it, a part of me isn't surprised though. It's not as if I don't normally become good at things I turn my hand to.
Of course, to the owner of this café I'm just known as Asuka, a half Japanese, half German 19-year-old who has lived in the city all my life. He knows nothing of who I was, of who I used to be and nowadays no one knows that anymore. I made sure that no one would know if it when I left Japan. I asked for all my records to be replaced with fresh ones, nothing would tie me to what had happened anymore. I asked for all contact to be cut off and to be left alone by the UN or whatever it was NERV would become.
I'm not stupid though, I know that they're still out there watching me. I can sense their presence much in the same way that I could when I was younger. It's not Section 2 anymore but someone else but I know they're there. I was tempted at one point to contact them to tell them to stop and that they didn't need to watch over me but it'd just be more unnecessary hassle that I didn't need. Besides contacting them was a risk, if I contacted them the wrong person might say something and that would lead to people know where I was. So, I'll allow it for now, as long as they keep their distance and no promises get broken.
I'm about to go back to the document when I hear the owners voice again, "Will you be having lunch? Eggs are nice and fresh this morning."
My stomach rumbles at his offer, I skipped breakfast this mornign and it is coming up to lunch time. Maybe I should eat before I start work. I shoot him a smile, "Sound good, eggs it is then, scrambled and with bacon, sausage and toast I think."
So I managed to get all of chapter 2 done but I'm going to hold off on posting it for a few days. I want to try to leave at least a week gap between chapters so I can look over it properly but I do have a preview of the second scene from the chapter. Time to catch up with Shinji!
Tokyo 2 – Afternoon
I'm sat nervously in the reception area of the building the UN has here in Tokyo-2. Laid carefully at my feet is my cello case and my eyes keep up a pattern of moving from the case to the clock on the wall and then at the receptionist as she does her work. It's been half an hour since I came in here and this pattern was started. All I want is for Misato to be finished with her meeting so that we can go home.
I don't like being outside any longer than is necessary, if I can help It I barely go outside at all. I'm I'm told to then I will but most of the time I always have to be accompanied by someone. Being outside on my own terrifies me. I'm scared that someone might recognize me, know about me and what I've done.
There is a part of me that is trying hard to reject that. It's there using Misato's words, or the words of my friends to tell me that no one is going to recognize me and even if they did I haven't done anything wrong. They tell me that no one knows any of the pilot's identities and the pilots are the ones who saved the world, especially me.
Yet those voices are so easily surprised by a louder one. It sounds like myself and it tells me that everyone I pass in the street secretly knows who I am and one day one of them is going to hurt me. It tells me that if they did hurt me that I deserve it. It tells me that when it does happen I'll have no one to blame but myself because I was really the one who nearly caused this world to end, I was the one responsible for the Third Impact and for ruining so many people's lives.
I shake my head slightly, no. I mustn't think that. It wasn't like that, I wasn't to blame. I know it. I know I wasn't to blame.
"Mr Ikari?"
I nearly jump out of my seat at the sudden sound of the receptionist's voice. I look up to see her looking at me with an amused look on her face. I start to blush thinking about what an idiot I must have looked like.
"Can I get you something whilst you wait?"
I shake my head, "N-No... No, thank you."
With those words the silence fills the room once more and I go back to my routine of looking from the clock to my cello case. I decide to leave the receptionist out of this now, still feeling like an idiot for jumping like that. In a way I'm thankful for that moment, it stopped the negative thoughts for a moment and now I can work on that.
I need to remember what I've been told. Just slow my breathing and go through it all calmly. I knew something like this might happen today but I just need to remember what I tell myself when I go to school or out to get groceries. This is just slightly different to those times, I'm out longer and in a different part of the city.
I glance back down at my cello case as I keep making an effort to calm myself down. It's been a long time since I've played the thing. The last time was that night so many years ago, a night that is still fresh in my memory for all the wrong reasons. It feels like that night was the beginning or end of something, nothing that followed it was good and it was all my fault. If only I had acted differently then maybe... No... I can't... not again.
I feel my hands clench into a fist, my nails dig into the flesh in frustration as I once again try to get rid of those negative thoughts. It's just so difficult to do that today, I thought it would be but I just didn't know how hard. Why am I remembering that night, it happened years ago and I did nothing wrong. She did nothing wrong we were all... different then. You're not that Shinji anymore and Asuka... well she's gone now so that doesn't matter.
I look up just in time to see the door under the clock open suddenly. I see two people enter the lobby in suits and for just a brief moment I see one of them look over at me with what seems to be a confused look on his face.
He recognizes me, doesn't he? That's why he's looking at me like that! Any moment now he's going to come over here and I'll be...
My fingers dig more into my hands and the pain briefly snaps me out of it. Of course, he doesn't recognize me. He's probably confused as to what a 19-year-old kid is doing in a UN building with a cello at his feet.
I know this, I know all of this. It makes sense and it's so logical but even with that I can't help but be terrified of them as they pass by me. I can't help but be sure I feel their eyes on me, piercing through me as if they know exactly who and what I am. I can feel time slow down as they go past me and I focus solely on the cello case. I feel sick and my leg starts to tremble slightly.
I hate this, I hate this so much. They're just ordinary people walking past. They aren't going to hurt me or recognize me. Yet it isn't until they finally pass through the entrance to the building and out onto the street that I can let go of the breath I've been holding, unclench my fist and start to try to calm down.
This is too much, I should have just gone straight home rather than come here. I thought I was being brave but I'm just hurting myself by doing this. Thankfully I don't have to wait too much longer before the door opens and Misato walks through.
"Shinji!"
She doesn't hide her surprise at seeing me sat there waiting for her. I know she'd have expected me to go straight home after the lesson, she of all people knows how hard on me it is to be out like this. I half smile at her and nod, "H-Hey Misato."
She rushes over to me looking apologetic, "I'm so sorry I'm late! The meeting ran longer than I expected, have you been here long?"
I stand up, "N-No... not too long anyway. Is everything alright?"
She smiles at me and nods her head, "Everything is fine! I'll tell you about it in the car, I imagine you'll want to just get home now. We'll order food tonight, is that okay?"
I give her a nod and we make our way out of the building towards the car park. A few moments later I'm loading my cello into the boot of her car, a white Mazda Cosmo which she got shortly after we returned from the Third Impact. It was something she got to replace her Alpine and if I'm being honest I much prefer this car.
As I get into the front passenger seat and put my seatbelt on I already begin to feel a lot calmer. Even more so now that Misato is here.
Misato gets into the driver's seat and gives me a sympathetic look. My nervous state clearly not going unnoticed by her, she places a calming hand on my leg and speaks, "I'm really proud of you Shinji, I know today won't have been easy for you."
I hate it when Misato says she's proud of me. I always feel that little sting of tears behind my eyes when she does so. They're just words I was so unused to hearing and that I never thought I'd hear from anyone and I know she means it. I don't know if I can really express how much hearing that means to me from her, even if it is for something as simple as leaving our apartment.
"It... was really hard Misato." I admit to her with a weak smile, "I kept on thinking that at any one moment he was going to realize who I was. I... I don't know if I can do this."
The car starts to move onto the street, she keeps her eyes focused on the road as she talks to me, "Well you've done it once Shinji and that is something. It's really up to you whether or not you want to do it again."
"Do you think I should?" I ask.
"That's not my decision Shinji, that's yours to make. Do you want to continue?" Her tone shifts to sound a bit more serious, I already know what she is going to say next, "I don't want you to be doing this for me or for anyone else. I don't want you to do it because I said it might be good for you. You have to do this for yourself, you know I'll be proud of you no matter what, you're like a... no you are my son Shinji and I love you and want you to be happy."
There is that phrase again and also the reminder that I am her son now. It's hard to blind away the emotion this time but I manage it. I take a moment to think about what she has said though. This is another thing I need to learn on top of not being afraid of everyone I encounter. I need to do things for myself.
"I think I'll continue." I finally say after about a minute of thought, "I did.... I really enjoyed the lesson despite being afraid."
"So, it went alright?"
I nod, "The teacher said I was a lot more advanced than he was expecting. He said that I didn't seem to have lost much of my ability over the years I haven't been playing. He could see where I was rusty and said it'll be a matter or practicing and going back over some of the things I've forgotten."
I look around to see an eager look in Misato's eye, "Do you need anything? Books? New string? A new bow? Cleaning products? A stand?"
I laugh at her enthusiasm, "No I don't need anything yet, I made sure it was all in good condition before I went to the lesson. My teacher let me know a website where I can buy sheet music too."
"Well that's good then!"
"Yeah it is! I just…" I trail off as I remember what happened towards the end of the lesson.
Misato of course notices what, "What?"
I try to shrug it off, "No… It's nothing…"
"Oh no you don't!" I cringe in my seat and look towards the window, "What is it Shinji?"
I let out a sigh, "Well it's just… my teacher said that he would like to eventually get me on to playing with other people… Maybe even put on a performance one day."
I turn to see her nod, "I see… and what did you say to him?"
"I kinda…" I shrink further down in my seat, "I said yes."
"Even though you knew it might have been a problem for you?"
"I just…" I start but trail off and let out a sigh, "He seemed happy when he suggested it so I… I didn't mention it might have been a problem for me."
I shake my head as I return to looking out of the window. I know what she is thinking and it's the same thing I'm thinking. For all the progress I might have made over the years I'm still that same old Shinji. I'm still just saying and going along with things just because it'll make others happy with me.
"Is that something you would like to do?"
I hear her ask but I continue looking out of the window pretending I didn't hear her. For doing that she prods me in the leg and asks again, "Shinji! Is that something you would like to do?"
All I can do this time is muster up a simple shrug, "I don't know… I mean I do like playing and I want to continue but the idea of playing with others I just… I don't think I'm ready for it yet. I don't know… If I'll ever be ready but I also… I don't want him to be mad with me or disappointed."
"Well you have to explain that to him Shinji. I'm sure he isn't going to be mad or disappointed. I'm sure he'll understand, it's not an easy thing for anyone to do." She replied, "I'm sure he's just enthusiastic about his new student. Just… do what is right for you Shinji."
I nod and look back out of the window, "I… I'll try."
August 15th
Cafe – Berlin – Early Morning
As I step out of the hot morning sun that shines overhead in Berlin and into the cool air-conditioned space that the café offers I reach up and take off my sunglasses. I look around and see a few people are here already. University students mostly come to study or recover from a night out drinking. Finally, I spot my target, a small and empty seat by the window, a perfect spot for me. I walk over and set my laptop down on the table, plug it into the wall socket and prepare to start my work.
I'm barely able to load up the document before I hear a loud voice from behind me call out my name, "Asuka! It's so nice to see you, your usual?"
I turn to look and call back with a grin, "Of course!"
I see the source of the voice get to work behind the counter. He's the owner of this café, a short, jolly rotund man with a bushy blonde moustache. I always thought he looked a bit out of place running a café like this. He looks more like he'd be at home as one of the Gauls from and Asterix and Obelix comic.
Yet here he is running a café like this, not only does he run it but he is very good at it. It's become quite a popular little place since it opened up about a year ago. I come here frequently to get on with my work.
In barely any time at all I find him stood behind me, setting my coffee down on the table.
I smile politely, "Thank you, is it only you wokring today?"
He shakes his head, "Sofia should be coming in shortly. So, what are you working on?"
I shrug, "Nothing overly important. I'm just trying to finish up a few edits for the book before I send it off to the publishers for review. It's still a bit of a rough draft but it seems they want to make the announcement early and get some previews made. They want to make sure they get the news out of the sequel whilst there is still some hype for the original."
"Oh! How exciting!" He booms, "Does that mean you'll be getting interviewed by the press?"
"No chance!" I exclaim and shake my head, "I'm not even bothered if the damn thing gets published. It was just because a friend opened their mouth to someone the first one got published, I just want to write them."
"You don't fancy even a small bit of the publicity from it?"
"Like I care about something like that!" I snort with laughter, "Why do you think I write under a pseudonym? I don't need to be noticed or popular, other people can do all that."
For a brief moment it seems as though his expression changes to one of disbelief or confusion but in a second he goes back to his smiling self. I suppose I can maybe forgive his confusion, after all it is perhaps strange that someone would go to the effort of working so hard on something like I did and when it's out there not wishing for any publicity but he doesn't know me. He doesn't know the real me anyway.
Maybe once upon a time I'd have welcomed the publicity and opportunity to be noticed. I'd have demanded the publicity and been on hand to sign copies and have my name be known. I'm no longer that person though. Now I just want peace and quiet and for people to leave me alone. I'm not that bratty kid who demanded to be seen and be the centre of attention. I no longer desire for people to praise me constantly and worship the ground I walk on.
I am no longer Asuka Langley Soryu, the brash Evangelion pilot. I'm Asuka Langley Soryu, I live in Berlin and I write teen fiction as a hobby. Somehow, I managed to be quite good at it, a part of me isn't surprised though. It's not as if I don't normally become good at things I turn my hand to.
Of course, to the owner of this café I'm just known as Asuka, a half Japanese, half German 19-year-old who has lived in the city all my life. He knows nothing of who I was, of who I used to be and nowadays no one knows that anymore. I made sure that no one would know where or who I was when I left Japan. I asked for all my records to be replaced with fresh ones, nothing would tie me to what had happened anymore. I asked for all contact to be cut off and to be left alone by the UN or whatever it was NERV would become.
I'm not stupid though, I know that they're still out there watching me. I can sense their presence much in the same way that I could when I was younger. It's not Section 2 anymore but someone else but I know they're there. I was tempted at one point to contact them to tell them to stop and that they didn't need to watch over me but it'd just be more unnecessary hassle that I didn't need. Besides contacting them was a risk, if I contacted them the wrong person might say something and that would lead to people know where I was. So, I'll allow it for now, as long as they keep their distance and no promises get broken.
I'm about to go back to the document when I hear the owners voice again, "Will you be having lunch? Eggs are nice and fresh this morning."
My stomach rumbles at his offer, I skipped breakfast this mornign and it is coming up to lunch time. Maybe I should eat before I start work. I shoot him a smile, "Sound good, eggs it is then, scrambled and with bacon, sausage and toast I think."
Tokyo 2 – Afternoon
I'm sat nervously in the reception area of the building the UN has here in Tokyo-2. Laid carefully at my feet is my cello case and my eyes keep up a pattern of moving from the case to the clock on the wall and then at the receptionist as she does her work. It's been half an hour since I came in here and this pattern was started. All I want is for Misato to be finished with her meeting so that we can go home.
I don't like being outside any longer than is necessary, if I can help It I barely go outside at all. I'm I'm told to then I will but most of the time I always have to be accompanied by someone. Being outside on my own terrifies me. I'm scared that someone might recognize me, know about me and what I've done.
There is a part of me that is trying hard to reject that. It's there using Misato's words, or the words of my friends to tell me that no one is going to recognize me and even if they did I haven't done anything wrong. They tell me that no one knows any of the pilot's identities and the pilots are the ones who saved the world, especially me.
Yet those voices are so easily surprised by a louder one. It sounds like myself and it tells me that everyone I pass in the street secretly knows who I am and one day one of them is going to hurt me. It tells me that if they did hurt me that I deserve it. It tells me that when it does happen I'll have no one to blame but myself because I was really the one who nearly caused this world to end, I was the one responsible for the Third Impact and for ruining so many people's lives.
I shake my head slightly, no. I mustn't think that. It wasn't like that, I wasn't to blame. I know it. I know I wasn't to blame.
"Mr Ikari?"
I nearly jump out of my seat at the sudden sound of the receptionist's voice. I look up to see her looking at me with an amused look on her face. I start to blush thinking about what an idiot I must have looked like.
"Can I get you something whilst you wait?"
I shake my head, "N-No... No, thank you."
With those words the silence fills the room once more and I go back to my routine of looking from the clock to my cello case. I decide to leave the receptionist out of this now, still feeling like an idiot for jumping like that. In a way I'm thankful for that moment, it stopped the negative thoughts for a moment and now I can work on that.
I need to remember what I've been told. Just slow my breathing and go through it all calmly. I knew something like this might happen today but I just need to remember what I tell myself when I go to school or out to get groceries. This is just slightly different to those times, I'm out longer and in a different part of the city.
I glance back down at my cello case as I keep making an effort to calm myself down. It's been a long time since I've played the thing. The last time was that night so many years ago, a night that is still fresh in my memory for all the wrong reasons. It feels like that night was the beginning or end of something, nothing that followed it was good and it was all my fault. If only I had acted differently then maybe... No... I can't... not again.
I feel my hands clench into a fist, my nails dig into the flesh in frustration as I once again try to get rid of those negative thoughts. It's just so difficult to do that today, I thought it would be but I just didn't know how hard. Why am I remembering that night, it happened years ago and I did nothing wrong. She did nothing wrong we were all... different then. You're not that Shinji anymore and Asuka... well she's gone now so that doesn't matter.
I look up just in time to see the door under the clock open suddenly. I see two people enter the lobby in suits and for just a brief moment I see one of them look over at me with what seems to be a confused look on his face.
He recognizes me, doesn't he? That's why he's looking at me like that! Any moment now he's going to come over here and I'll be...
My fingers dig more into my hands and the pain briefly snaps me out of it. Of course, he doesn't recognize me. He's probably confused as to what a 19-year-old kid is doing in a UN building with a cello at his feet.
I know this, I know all of this. It makes sense and it's so logical but even with that I can't help but be terrified of them as they pass by me. I can't help but be sure I feel their eyes on me, piercing through me as if they know exactly who and what I am. I can feel time slow down as they go past me and I focus solely on the cello case. I feel sick and my leg starts to tremble slightly.
I hate this, I hate this so much. They're just ordinary people walking past. They aren't going to hurt me or recognize me. Yet it isn't until they finally pass through the entrance to the building and out onto the street that I can let go of the breath I've been holding, unclench my fist and start to try to calm down.
This is too much, I should have just gone straight home rather than come here. I thought I was being brave but I'm just hurting myself by doing this. Thankfully I don't have to wait too much longer before the door opens and Misato walks through.
"Shinji!"
She doesn't hide her surprise at seeing me sat there waiting for her. I know she'd have expected me to go straight home after the lesson, she of all people knows how hard on me it is to be out like this. I half smile at her and nod, "H-Hey Misato."
She rushes over to me looking apologetic, "I'm so sorry I'm late! The meeting ran longer than I expected, have you been here long?"
I stand up, "N-No... not too long anyway. Is everything alright?"
She smiles at me and nods her head, "Everything is fine! I'll tell you about it in the car, I imagine you'll want to just get home now. We'll order food tonight, is that okay?"
I give her a nod and we make our way out of the building towards the car park. A few moments later I'm loading my cello into the boot of her car, a white Mazda Cosmo which she got shortly after we returned from the Third Impact. It was something she got to replace her Alpine and if I'm being honest I much prefer this car.
As I get into the front passenger seat and put my seatbelt on I already begin to feel a lot calmer. Even more so now that Misato is here.
Misato gets into the driver's seat and gives me a sympathetic look. My nervous state clearly not going unnoticed by her, she places a calming hand on my leg and speaks, "I'm really proud of you Shinji, I know today won't have been easy for you."
I hate it when Misato says she's proud of me. I always feel that little sting of tears behind my eyes when she does so. They're just words I was so unused to hearing and that I never thought I'd hear from anyone and I know she means it. I don't know if I can really express how much hearing that means to me from her, even if it is for something as simple as leaving our apartment.
"It... was really hard Misato." I admit to her with a weak smile, "I kept on thinking that at any one moment he was going to realize who I was. I... I don't know if I can do this."
The car starts to move onto the street, she keeps her eyes focused on the road as she talks to me, "Well you've done it once Shinji and that is something. It's really up to you whether or not you want to do it again."
"Do you think I should?" I ask.
"That's not my decision Shinji, that's yours to make. Do you want to continue?" Her tone shifts to sound a bit more serious, I already know what she is going to say next, "I don't want you to be doing this for me or for anyone else. I don't want you to do it because I said it might be good for you. You have to do this for yourself, you know I'll be proud of you no matter what, you're like a... no you are my son Shinji and I love you and want you to be happy."
There is that phrase again and also the reminder that I am her son now. It's hard to blind away the emotion this time but I manage it. I take a moment to think about what she has said though. This is another thing I need to learn on top of not being afraid of everyone I encounter. I need to do things for myself.
"I think I'll continue." I finally say after about a minute of thought, "I did.... I really enjoyed the lesson despite being afraid."
"So, it went alright?"
I nod, "The teacher said I was a lot more advanced than he was expecting. He said that I didn't seem to have lost much of my ability over the years I haven't been playing. He could see where I was rusty and said it'll be a matter or practicing and going back over some of the things I've forgotten."
I look around to see an eager look in Misato's eye, "Do you need anything? Books? New string? A new bow? Cleaning products? A stand?"
I laugh at her enthusiasm, "No I don't need anything yet, I made sure it was all in good condition before I went to the lesson. My teacher let me know a website where I can buy sheet music too."
"Well that's good then!"
"Yeah it is! I just…" I trail off as I remember what happened towards the end of the lesson.
Misato of course notices what, "What?"
I try to shrug it off, "No… It's nothing…"
"Oh no you don't!" I cringe in my seat and look towards the window, "What is it Shinji?"
I let out a sigh, "Well it's just… my teacher said that he would like to eventually get me on to playing with other people… Maybe even put on a performance one day."
I turn to see her nod, "I see… and what did you say to him?"
"I kinda…" I shrink further down in my seat, "I said yes."
"Even though you knew it might have been a problem for you?"
"I just…" I start but trail off and let out a sigh, "He seemed happy when he suggested it so I… I didn't mention it might have been a problem for me."
I shake my head as I return to looking out of the window. I know what she is thinking and it's the same thing I'm thinking. For all the progress I might have made over the years I'm still that same old Shinji. I'm still just saying and going along with things just because it'll make others happy with me.
"Is that something you would like to do?"
I hear her ask but I continue looking out of the window pretending I didn't hear her. For doing that she prods me in the leg and asks again, "Shinji! Is that something you would like to do?"
All I can do this time is muster up a simple shrug, "I don't know… I mean I do like playing and I want to continue but the idea of playing with others I just… I don't think I'm ready for it yet. I don't know… If I'll ever be ready but I also… I don't want him to be mad with me or disappointed."
"Well you have to explain that to him Shinji. I'm sure he isn't going to be mad or disappointed. I'm sure he'll understand, it's not an easy thing for anyone to do." She replied, "I'm sure he's just enthusiastic about his new student. Just… do what is right for you Shinji."
I nod and look back out of the window, "I… I'll try."
Berlin – Early afternoon
I set my coffee down on the table and give my recent edits another quick glance. I'm still not completely satisfied with what I have there but it'll have to do for now, it's something I can send to my publisher at the very least. I swap to my e-mail client and begin to write the e-mail.
Before I click on the send button I take a moment to prepare myself for what will come next. I ask myself if I really want to do this, if I really want to go through that again. The first time was just an accident, it was never supposed to happen. It shouldn't have happened but she… she persuaded me. Appealed to that stupid pride that lingers inside of me.
So I'll send this off and then they'd release the press release. I'd see it in the media with my pseudonym on it. After that I'll start getting the stupid requests to talk to the press, they'll tell me how good of an opportunity it'll be and how it'd be cool for people to meet the person behind the book. Just as with the first book I'll decline it all and stay anonymous. The publisher can handle all of that.
It wouldn't be cool for any of them to meet the person behind the book because of who the person behind the book really is. I don't want to be known, I don't deserve to be known not after… not after everything I used to be. I'm trying to get away from all that and somehow I've ended up with this situation. A part of me wishes I had never been persuaded to take the first book to a publisher. Not people are going to expect things and… I know I'll eventually let them down. Just like I did before.
I sigh and look at the screen trying to force those thoughts out of my mind but I know now will come the other feelings. Those fears that I sometimes get when I look around in crowded spaces and I see other people looking at me. Of course they're not looking at me really but I can't help but think that. Third Impact had that effect on me, for a brief moment I was… we were all linked as one being. Of course I can't remember any of it and I know no one else can. Most of them don't even know it happened but I do and it's enough for me to worry.
What if one of them recognizes me? What if they figure out I was the one who nearly caused the Third Impact? I was the spiteful, hateful person that nearly pushed Shinji towards it. I was the abusive one who failed everyone and took it out on whoever was nearby. I was…
I clench my hand into a fist and bring it down on my knee carefully enough that no one will see it but just enough for me to feel it. The short burst of pain brings me out of this spiral. I look back at the screen, I have an e-mail to send.
I'm about to hit the send button when my phone starts to vibrate on the table top. I contemplate ignoring it but a quick look at the caller ID and I grab it and answer immediately, "Hello!"
A few moments later a very soft and familiar voice is heard through the other end, "Hello Asuka! I was just calling to see how you were?"
I lean back in my seat and smile, "I'm doing fine! I'm actually just about to send out a sample of the next book to the publisher!"
"Oh good!" She replies, "So is it nearly finished?"
"Mostly, I still need to work on some details for the ending and I'm not overly happy with a few of the scenes but it's good enough for them to look at. How come you're calling me now anyway? I thought you said you'd be in America around now?"
There is another pause before she replies, "I was but I'm actually at the airport about to board a plane for Germany. Would you like to meet up?"
I feel myself frown at hearing her say that, my heart rate picks up just a little bit and I grip my laptops mouse a bit tighter in my hand, "Is there anyone with you?"
"No one, I am alone."
"Will anyone know about it? Will you… will you be telling them where you are?"
There is another pause and her voice comes back, it's easy to hear the disappointment, "If you do not wish me to come then I will not. I will not inform them though and they still do not know I am in contact with you."
My frown deepens at hearing her disappointment, "No it's… I want to I just… you know the situations. I-I'm sorry I make you do that but you understand why don't you?"
"I am your friend Asuka and I do understand. It will just be me and I promise they will not get to know unless it is something you want."
"Okay then! We'll meet up. When will you be here?"
"My flight will arrive late tonight in Germany, so tomorrow morning. Do you still live in the same place?"
I nod, "Yeah I do… I'll be in all day so just… let me know when you're on your way."
"I will… Thank you Asuka, I look forward to seeing you."
"I'll see you tomorrow, goodbye Rei."
As I set my phone down my hands are trembling and I take a few moments to calm myself down from talking to Rei. I take a quick drink of my coffee and look back at the e-mail, I quickly finish it off and hit send my thoughts now turning towards seeing Rei tomorrow.
Rei is not one of, if not the only friend I actually have. Of all the people from my past life she is the only one I actually have any contact with. A rather bizarre turnaround for anyone who might have known me back then. I can just imagine what that younger Asuka would say to think that she was friends with that same girl she considered a rival that girl that she swore she hated.
Of course I didn't really hate Rei back then. I hated myself but I just took that out on everyone else. It didn't matter who it was be it Shinji, Misato, Rei or even Hikari. I just ended up hurting others because I couldn't deal with who I was. That's why I'm alone now, that's why I want to stay alone and not have anyone around me because I know if I even dare to let someone in I'll hurt them and maybe just maybe in the off chance I don't… they'll find out who I was and leave me.
I know I'm being stupid. Rei has told me as much when I apologized to her the last time, I think that was apology one hundred and fifty two or something. Yet it doesn't stop me from remembering and thinking all of that and I know that tomorrow I'll apologize to her again.
I look back at the document, I know I'll do no more work today. My thoughts are all jumbled up, I need a distraction. I'll go browse that music shop I like and maybe go and look for a new game. Something to get away from my thoughts.
----
Tokyo-2 – Evening
I enter the apartment and go straight into my room to put away my cello and get changed. As I do so Misato's words continue to ring in my ears and I start to wonder what I should do next. I try to separate what it is I think other people want from me and just what it is I want to do.
It's a question I ask myself quite often, it's not as if I want to be like this. I don't want to be afraid of people but I am. I don't want to just go along with others to make them happy but I do. I won't want to be in the habit of putting my own happiness to the side so that I can hear some praise from others but I can't break that habit.
The problem is even if I do try to do something for myself I start to question it. When it comes to taking lessons on the cello I wonder who am I really doing this for? Is it just something to make Misato happy, so that she can see me being out and about and doing something? Is it so that she'll say she is proud of me?
I let out a sigh of frustration with myself. I know Misato would be proud of me no matter what I chose. I'm like her... well I am her son now I guess. Shortly after Third Impact she made it official, she adopted me and become my mother. I just... the way her face lit up when she suggested it... how could I have said no?
Even the story of why I play the cello is frustrating. I only started playing it because of my teacher and guardian at the time suggesting it to me. He thought it'd be good for me to learn to play an instrument, said it'd help me develop some confidence and told me an appreciation for music is always a good thing.
Strangely enough when I think about it, it was actually me who picked out the cello. I can remember it quite clearly, we were in the music shop and looking at the variety of instruments. Drums, guitars, piano, violins and so much more. Something about the cello appealed to me though. The shopkeeper gave us a demonstration and I just... I become attached to it. I took lessons and it did make my teacher happy that I was doing something.
I did enjoying playing it though. I know deep down I wasn't just doing it for him but because I wanted to. I liked it and yes, I did want him to be proud of me and say that but I liked playing. I liked the way I could lose myself in what I was playing. I liked exploring the range of music composed for it and even trying to compose my own.
I let out another sigh as I sit on the edge of my bed. I look down at the cello and go back to thinking about the lesson. My instructor had been a nice man. He was a lot younger than I expected. He did actually tell me that he also worked with a number of students and that I would fit right in. I couldn't help myself but say yes as soon as he asked if I'd be interested.
I couldn't help myself but he seemed so happy and enthusiastic about it and he offered praise. I'm like some dumb moth crashing into a lightbulb. I know I'm not ready for that sort of thing yet, I'm too scared to meet other people but I can't really explain that to him. How can I explain that I'm part of the reason Third Impact happened and that now everyone terrifies me?
The worst thing about it is that deep down if it wasn't the fear of it I do want to do that. I want to be part of that group and I want to play cello with them. I want to be part of productions with audiences coming to see us play and I want to write and compose but I'm too damn messed up to admit or do anything about it.
I just wish I could move forward! Every day since Third Impact has been some stupid struggle and I'm sick of it. I'm fed up of being afraid of people. I'm fed up of knowing I have no reason to be. I'm sick of having those old feelings of uselessness or feeling that people are going to abandon me. It isn't fair, none of it is fair! I just... I just want to be happy, don't I deserve that?
---
I can't help but shake my head sympathetically as I watch Shinji slip into his room and close the door behind him. I take this chance to go into my own room so that I can get changed into something more comfortable.
These past few years have been tough for those of us who were at the center of what happened. I know it's been especially tough on Shinji though. I can't even begin to imagine just what it is he is going through. He literally had the fate of the world in his hands at one point and for a brief few seconds it almost went. God only knows what it must feel like to be him.
Shinji has made some progress over the years though. We suffered a slight setback when Asuka left. He was heartbroken to see her go but it wasn't entirely unexpected. Yet it was a shame, I had hoped that maybe they would realize their feelings for each other and something would happen. Still maybe it was for the best, maybe the chance for them to be apart and find themselves will help them more. I just wish she hadn't cut off contact completely from us all. I'm sure she is alright but I don't know where she is now or anything.
Shinji did seem to get over it eventually though. I don't know if he still thinks of her, I imagine he does. We talk about her from time to time, wonder what she is up to and if she is alright. I'm careful to not tease him about her. I enjoy a joke but I've come to realize that there are some jokes that shouldn't be made.
As I slip my suit jacket off I hear my phone start to ring. I let out a laugh as I pick it up and see Ritsuko's name on the caller ID, right on cue Rits.
"Hey Rits! Calling to check in on us, are you?"
I hear her let out a laugh on the other end, "I just wanted to make you didn't blow your big meeting today, I know it was an important one."
She can't see me but I pout, "You have that little faith in me huh?"
"Actually I have complete faith in you which is why I know I can make a joke about it. So how did it go?"
I shrug, "About as well as could be expected for a first meeting on this sort of subject. A lot of people introducing themselves and telling us why they're important. A lot of discussion about the objectives on the meeting followed by setting estimated dates on when objectives should be confirmed by. This was followed up by discussing the arranging of further meetings between different departments to confirm more dates for meetings. A load of bureaucratic bullshit really."
She lets out a chuckle, "So no word on whether or not you guys will be allowed into Tokyo-3 or what will happen to the Emergence Facilities?"
"Nope, nothing yet. It seems we have some competition when it comes to wanting to go back into Tokyo-3. Each one has different goals. Some want to do a full sweep, take as much technology from NERV that they can and build from it. Some think that they should go in, take what they can and destroy it all. Reuse the land for housing or whatever. We're somewhere in the middle."
"Well that's surprising, I'd have thought you'd want to see the entire thing destroyed."
I shrug, "Initially I did but after talking with Maya and some of the others they persuaded me that some of it might be of use to us. We had some pretty advanced technology and it'd be a shame for it to go to waste if we can help people. Also in the back of my mind I keep thinking… what if… well…"
"They're gone Misato, there won't be anymore." He voice comes through loud and clear and is in a very stern tone, "The Angels, SEELE… it's done."
I let out a sigh, I know she is right of course but I still feel a need to say something, "I know that but… say someone tries to carry on the things they did or… I don't know we messed something up and an Angel like thing appears. Maybe… just maybe having some of the heavier stuff around would be useful."
"And how exactly would you define what is or isn't the right sort of stuff? It's one thing when it might benefit mankind, you're right our medical tech was far beyond what we have now as was our energy production tech but the military stuff… the Eva's…"
"I know…"
"Do you want my opinion?"
"Always."
"Destroy the lot of it Misato, get rid of it all and use the land for something else. The medical tech… the energy production all relied on what we got from the FAR. Keep the Emergence Support facilities open and just let NERV and SEELE go, what happened… it can't happen again, what they need is gone so we should just get rid of the rest."
"Destroy everything?" I ask in surprise, "Even the MAGI there?"
"Especially the Tokyo-3 MAGI, if there is anything left of it." She replies, "That's… what I'd do anyway."
"I don't know… if I could do that. The medical tech… it could help a lot of people…"
"I know and that's why you're the one who'll make the decision Misato and not me. You… always knew the right way to do things."
I smile faintly at hearing her words, "We'll see what happens when it's all documented. It could be that there is nothing of use there at all. It's been years since anyone actually went into the ruins but… I think it's worth looking at and I think it should be my people."
"I'm sure it will be." She pauses for a moment, "So how did things go for Shinji anyway?"
Another sigh escapes me, "I think they went well. He seemed to enjoy the lesson but…"
"He was scared of being recognized?"
"Yeah…" I confirm to her.
"That's understandable, I think it's something we're all dealing with in our own way."
"I'm just worried about him Rits. I don't want him to feel like he has to do this for me or for anyone else I want him to do it for himself not because I said it might be a good idea."
"It's entirely possible that Shinji doesn't even know himself." Ritsuko says, "He probably wants to make you happy but he also enjoys playing the instrument. Our reports on him indicated that he was a natural talent with it and his teacher even said that Shinji would spend a lot of time practicing when he was younger."
Hearing her say that lightens my heart somewhat, "So he does enjoy it?"
Ritsuko chuckles, "I don't think you get to be the level Shinji was at without enjoying it. Just give him time and encouragement. I'm sure he'll figure things out for himself. He said the lesson went alright though?"
"Yeah." I nod my head, "Well… He did mention that the instructor suggested at one point that Shinji join a group of them who all play."
"And Shinji immediately said yes didn't he?" Ritsuko asks with some hint of amusement in her voice.
"Of course." I confirm to her, "He didn't want to disappoint his instructor."
"Well that's just a part of who Shinji is. Maybe it'll be good for him in the long run though, he can always stop if it's too much."
"Maybe… I just don't want him to get hurt or feel he has to do things to please others. I want him to know he has a loving home and friends who won't abandon him."
"Deep down he will know that but it's not exactly easy to break those old habits. It's something I think we're all learning but I'm sure he'll be alright."
"I hope so… I really do." I stare down at the ground, "So how was your day anyway?"
"Not too bad, I have a lot of marking to do this evening and I need to plan for next week's lessons but nothing I can't do. Still… if I'm being honest I do understand what Shinji is going through. I keep on thinking when I see the students and their parents that maybe one of them will recognize me… It's not as if the Akagi name is hidden away."
I nod again, "I know… It's the same for Katsuragi. I have that feeling too from time to time but it won't happen."
"No it won't." She reassures me, "Anyway I'd better go. Maya is due back any minute. Good luck to the both of you. We should arrange something soon."
"Yeah… I'd like that. Goodbye Rits."
----
Berlin
I can't suppress the smile on my face as I glance down at the forms in my hand once more and walk through the wonderful streets of Berlin. It's been almost six months since I arrived in this country and this city I now call home.
Most of my time is spent working for Fuyutsuki. I assist him in an array of administrative tasks from filing basic progress reports for his staff, taking notes during meetings he is in, I arrange appointments for him and compose e-mails for him. It's not overly difficult work but I enjoy it.
Since I arrived Fuyutsuki has been careful to slowly educate me on the state of this world since I was last in it. He explained to me exactly what has happened since the Third Impact and the little ways in which the world has changed. He told me what it was he now did and also informed me of the status of organizations such as NERV and the group who handled me, SEELE.
It seems that after Third Impact and people returned information was released to the public and world governments about SEELE and their role in the whole thing. Names were kept away from the public eye but it was enough that the world knew the truth about who was the true enemy. If anything I was pleased to learn that the people who were a part of NERV were alive and well.
There are certain subjects I have dared to not ask about as of yet. These particular things have been the subject of numerous nightmares I've experienced since returning. I dare not ask what happened to Shinji Ikari, Rei Ayanami or even the other pilot who was there in my short stay. I assume from what Fuyutsuki told me about former NERV personnel being alive and well that they are okay but I don't dare go any deeper than that.
Maybe… Maybe one day I'll work up the nerve to find out but not until I know I'm ready for it. I'm still trying to adjust to this life, one I didn't think I'd ever have. I've been given a gift, a chance to explore so many things I never knew before.
Music had of course been my first port of call. I've been able to explore numerous eras and genres beyond the classical material they forced me to listen to. The playlist Kodama gave me was a huge benefit. I took notes of each artist to listen to moments and pieces I enjoyed. It seems she put a lot of work into making that playlist, managing to cover a variety of genres, eras, artists from around the world.
With my background in classical music and playing the piano I did find myself drawn towards the progressive genres of rock. I enjoy the longer tracks and slightly complex arrangements these songs offer. I also like how they made a habit of utilizing a wide array of instruments in their songs although admittedly they could be a bit obtuse lyrically although I suppose knowing the way I speak is probably another reason that the genre appeals to me.
Beyond that I have found I don't have much of an affinity for sports. I appreciate what various athletes and sports stars are capable of, I just don't really enjoy watching them. In fact I don't find myself watching much television at all nor have I had the chance to see a movie in a theater yet. I would like to but I don't know what it is I would watch.
I have also found that I quite enjoy the human act of cooking too. In my previous life I did not get an opportunity to partake of this particular pastime. As an Angel I didn't require as much food as a regular human would and being under the care of SEELE meant any meals were carefully monitored and structured to provide what my body needed. It was usually bland and functional.
Unfortunately learning to cook came with some dangers. There had been one incident involving an errant pan and my apartment nearly burning down and another in which some undercooked meat had given me a night I don't wish to experience ever again. Yet I suppose it is a part of the learning process, I will not be the first nor the last to under-prepare meat like that.
I turn onto another street and see a small coffee shop come into view. I decide that it would be a shame to go straight back to my apartment now and this place looks appealing so think it'd be a good idea to head inside and grab something to drink and relax. I clutch the forms I'm holding tightly in my hand and walk down the street.
The forms I'm holding are application forms to help me on my first step towards become a music teacher. Fuyutsuki had given me the idea a few weeks ago after hearing me play the piano. He had at first suggested I find overs to play with but admittedly I do not think I would mix well with a group at this time and being honest being in larger groups scares me somewhat.
Yet the more I thought about it the more I realized that one on one situations might be better suited to me and I would like, if anything, to share what I have and maybe inspire others. Fuyutsuki liked my idea and helped me find a means to getting the correct qualifications.
I look at the forms again, there are still a few things to fill out on there. My name and address are at the top but there are other questions on there. How long have I been playing? My inspirations and prior qualifications. Nothing complex but I'm very eager to fill it in and get this all started.
I continue to walk forward my eyes still focused on the paper until finally I hit something, not something but someone. I feel a sharp pain in my head as I connect with them, I hear a loud scream from them as I'm sent falling onto my backside and the form flies out of my hand.
I rub my head with my hand and hear an angry voice yell at me, "Idiot! Weren't you watching where you were going?"
I shake my head and my vision starts to come back to me, the pain however does not subside, "I apologize… are you hurt?"
I slowly start to get to my feet and hold out a hand to help the fallen girl to her feet.
"Yeah well… just be more careful! Could have broken something!" She remarks as she gets to her feet and picks up a small laptop bag she dropped. I take a step back and for the first time I actually see the girl I walked into.
Almost immediately I feel my eyes get wide with fear. I feel that sickly feeling in the pit of my stomach as I take in all of her features. Her shoulder length red hair, her bright blue eyes, a soft but angered expression and a thin scar over her left eye. She's older than I remember seeing her but there is no mistaking who this is.
"N-No…" I stutter, "I-Impossible…"
She looks at me in confusion, "What? Never saw a pissed off redhead before?"
I shake my head, "N-No… I…I'm sorry… I have to go!"
I immediately turn around and run away from her as fast as I can. I don't stop to look back at any point until I'm several streets away. I don't know if she called after me or if she recognizes me, all I know is I have to get away from her. I have to get away from Asuka Langley Soryu, The Second Child.
Been working a bit on the third chapter, I think it still needs a little bit of work here and there. Some parts were wrote before I uploaded chapter 2 and had a bit of feedback on there so I've tried to make sure the newer parts don't look awkward but I probably need to go through it which I'll do over the course of the week.
So here is the first part of Chapter 3 anyway, from Asuka's perspective.
---
The nightmares came back last night. The ones in which I get found out, the ones in which the fragile social bonds I've made with people are shattered and everyone turns there back on me. The ones where I wake up crying knowing that if that did happen I'd deserve it.
I didn't sleep for the rest of the night, from four o'clock onwards I've been awake sitting in my front room. I tried doing some further editing to my book, that didn't happen so instead I put on a game instead. I spent the majority of the morning scoring goals past any and all opposition as I try to put what happened yesterday out of my mind.
Why did he run away from me like that? Did he know who I was? Does he know what I did? That shouldn't be possible though, I know logically it shouldn't be possible. I've spoken about it with Rei in the past, Shinji... he has the same concerns but no one knows who we are. If they do they just know we were the Evangelion pilots who helped save the world.
Yet that annoying awkward fear remains. It doesn't help that I'm seeing Rei today either. It isn't her fault, I know she is my friend but I can't help but worry each time I see her that it will be the time that our friendship is revealed to be nothing but a fraud. That she comes here with the others to tell me how much they hate me. To tell me how disgusting I am and that I deserve to be alone and abandoned. To bring up all those things I did in my past and throw it in my face. I'd deserve it aswell wouldn't I?
I shake my head and force those thoughts away. That isn't going to happen, Rei is my friend now and everything is in the past. She's told me numerous times, even with some annoyance that I'm forgiven for how I acted back then.
It's all that guys fault, if he hadn't had ran away then I wouldn't be like this right now. No, that isn't true. I'd be like this anyway, he's just made it more prominent. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I look rough. I can see the bags under my eyes and I know no amount of make-up will hide them. I've tried to make an effort but I know Rei will see through it. She always does, it's who Rei is.
I finally open the door ao reveal Rei standing on the other side. She's a far cry from the dour girl I knew so many years ago. She's looking upwards, a faint smile on her face and wearing a short red skirt, complemented by a black top with a white jacket over it. In one of her hands is a bag that I recognize from one of the nearby cafes.
"Hello Asuka." She announces, "I brought lunch if that is alright?"
I laugh and step aside to let her in, "Of course, come on in!"
I watch her as she enters the apartment and I allow myself a smile as well. I feel happy to see the life that now exists within Rei. It's good to see she finally has the chance to have a life. I follow her through into the kitchen and watch as she places the bag up on one of the counters. I'm interested in seeing what it is she has bought, moments later she pulls out two boxes each one filled with luscious smelling pancakes.
My mouth starts to water at the sight of them and I step forward. Rei sees this and smiles and immediately turns herself around and pulls me into a warm but tight hug.
"I've missed you Asuka!"
I laugh and return the hug, "I've miss you too Rei, it's been quite a while hasn't it?"
She releases me from the hug, "Almost a year since we last met."
"Yeah." I say guiltily, "How was your flight?"
She shrugs slightly, "It was okay. I arrived late last night so I was able to get a good amount of sleep."
"I'm glad." I reply as I go into one of my kitchen cupboards to grab some plates for our pancakes, "These smell delicious Rei."
"They do, I was wondering what to do for lunch and saw a place selling these. I have become quite a fan of pancakes whilst being in America, I am eager to try these."
I am as well and I get out some plates and cutlery for us. The pancakes are plain but the café Rei got them from supplied her with a variety of spreads to try with them. Rei reaches for the strawberry jam for hers, I go for the classic chocolate spread for my first one.
"So how come you're here in Germany, I thought the plan was to travel America for a few more weeks?"
"it was but I realized halfway through the trip that it was coming up to a year since I last saw you, so I sought to rectify that."
I almost choke in shock, "Y-You... Rei that's too much money just to come and visit me!"
She shrugs again, "I do not think so. As I said it has almost been a year and I think the chances of you visiting me and Japan are somewhat slim."
That little pang of guilt I feel at hearing her say that is suppressed for a moment by me swallowing a bit of my pancake. I gave down at the counter, "Yeah well... You know why that is Rei."
"Yes. Although I must disagree with your stance, I am sure they would like to see you again."
"No Rei... They wouldn't like to see me." I look up at her and let out a sigh, "Look, it's... it isn't that I don't believe you it's just that... I can't see them again and that's for the best. I hurt them a lot and it's just best I stay away. They... They're better off without me in their life, I'm not a good person."
"I do not become friends with bad people Asuka."
I feel my cheeks glow red, "Yeah well... maybe I'm the exception to the rule."
"I do not believe so, I believe you are being too hard on yourself."
I shrug, "Maybe... Maybe not... I guess... they still don't know that we're friends do they?"
"I have not told them anything of our friendship and I will continue to keep this a secret for as long as you desire it. As far as they are concerned you left Japan years ago and are living comfortably and off the grid."
"T-Thank you, I'm sorry I am making you keep this a secret."
"I do not mind." She replies coolly, "That is what you wish and as your friend I will not betray that wish."
"Thank you." I nervously shift from one foot to the other, "So... how are they doing?"
"Misato has begun work with an organization known as WILLE. I believe that she wishes to start operations in Tokyo-3 to salvage what is left of NERV."
Another pang in my stomach at hearing the name of NERV spoken, I quickly supress it with another chocolate covered piece of pancake. I'm nearly done with this one, I should get another. Maybe not chocolate spread this time, I might try the jam, Rei seemed to enjoy that one.
"is there even anything left to recover?" I ask, "I mean... we didn't exactly leave it in a reusable state."
Rei nods, "NERV was much bigger than any of you... even I knew. There are parts of it that will still be there and might have something of benefit to us... or something that should be destroyed. I trust that Misato will make the right decision."
"Hah, making the right decision and Misato?" I start to joke but trail off, Rei seems amused but halfway through I realize the joke just isn't funny to me, "Yeah... She will. What about... well... you know who?"
She seems to take a moment to think, "He is doing well."
She lies to me, a strange thing about Rei is that she isn't a very good liar. She always looks off in the same direction when she does so and her hand twitches on doing so. I decide to not press her on it though. I don't have any right to be too concerned about Shinji or know more considering who I am.
"He has signed up to take music lessons."
I look at her in confusion and shock, "Music lessons? What the hell would Shinji Ikari need music lessons for? I... I heard him years ago, he was... he was very good."
It was just a shame that I had to go and ruin his night by being... me. I force the memory away as Rei replies to me, "It has been many years since he last played so he believes his skills to be somewhat rusty. He had his first lesson yesterday but I have not yet been in contact to find out how it went."
"He is doing alright though?" I ask once more, in a way hoping that maybe Rei will be more truthful with me.
"Yes." She replies but her tone again indicating that he isn't as good as she is letting on.
"I'm glad." I finally reply, "He... He deserves to be happy."
My hand clenches into a fist as I avert my eyes from Rei. Those little daggers of guilt appear once more as I think about Shinji, "Especially after everything that I-"
"Asuka!" Rei cuts me off sternly. I slowly look up into those piercing red eyes of hers. They're frightening and I instantly go quiet, "You should forgive yourself for all that happened. I have told you on numerous occasisions that not only you but we were all very different people back then."
"I-" I start to protest but Rei doesn't allow me in. After Third Impact Rei did find her voice and she isn't afraid of using it.
"You are a good person Asuka and... I know that you were back then as well. You might not have always shown it but you were. If you weren't I would not have made such an effort to find you after you left Japan."
"Yeah but..."
"I know you see yourself solely as the Asuka who always yelled and shouted at others, who belittled other people and believed herself to be better than other people. The Asuka who would lash out frequently."
I feel so much better now.
"But that is not who you are now and not all you were back then. I can look back and see the Asuka who was brave in front of monsters that threatened this world. The Asuka who tried to encourage her teammates to do better. The Asuka who risked her life to protect her friends. A frightened Asuka who wanted to reach out to others. I saw an Asuka who was unselfish, who made an effort to include someone like me when she had no reason to. That Asuka who took us to the ramen cart that night."
I'd cry on hearing her words if that wouldn't be unbelievably pathetic of me and if I hadn't already used up my weekly supply of tears after my nightmare. So instead I blink rapidly and force the stinging feeling behind my eyes to go away. She mentioned that damn ramen cart again, she has a thing for that.
I laugh, "Well... Misato couldn't really afford a steak dinner and... you're vegetarian so what else was I supposed to do."
"You were not supposed to do anything. It was not your responsibility, Misato should not have made the promise if she were not able to keep it. Yet you did do something and I am grateful for it."
"Alright!" I try to put an end to this, "You've made your point... I guess I wasn't completely awful. Maybe only 95% awful."
She glares at me, "It is an improvement I suppose."
I watch as she leans over to grab another pancake. She seems to stop mid motion as her eyes are drawn to something on the counter. Rei does something of a double take as she looks intently at the piece of paper I had left lying there. Her mouth opens slightly as if she is shocked and I take a step forward.
"Rei… Is everything alright? You've been looking at that piece of paper for nearly a minute now."
She looks up at me and her expression as changed, it's hardened and for a brief moment I wonder if this is it. Is this finally the moment she is going to call me out for all the bad I've done just as I deserve. Naturally she doesn't do that, she instead picks up the piece of paper and holds it in front of me.
"This document, where did you get it?"
I look at the document she is holding and my heart starts to beat faster in my chest. It's the one that guy dropped yesterday. I can see his name written at the top followed by an address. I don't know why I picked it up, after what happened I probably should have left it there but it looked important. I was going to post it.
I lean casually on the counter trying to not show any trace of being bothered by Rei holding it up to me or by my memories of yesterday.
"Oh that?" I shrug, "I... found it yesterday... some guy was coming into the café I was working in and he didn't look to see where he was going. Idiot bumped right into me and sent us both spilling to the ground. He left and dropped it."
Rei is eying me oddly, does she know what happened? Rei has a weird sense of just knowing things from time to time. She looks at the name on the form as if confirming what it says, "You... met this guy? Did anything else happen?"
I swallow and nod, "Well he... looked at me and he got frightened... he ran away from me. He didn't stop to pick it up he just ran. I... He knew who I was... He knew me Rei, he was frightened of me and he..."
In a blur of motion Rei sets the form down on the table and moved into wrap me in another of her warm hugs. I don't even try to resist and I put my arms around her and rest my head on her should. I can feel myself on the verge of tears again, "He knew who I was... I've been found out Rei... I've been..."
Rei shakes her head, "No... No, you haven't Asuka. You don't recognize the name on that form do you?"
Still in her embrace I shake my head, "No... Why would I?"
"Asuka that person you met… Kaworu Nagisa, he was the Fifth Child and… he was the final Angel." She informs me darkly and I feel my stomach drop, "I… I need to make a phone call."
Rei breaks the hug and starts to walk towards her handbag. I reach out and grab her wrist before she can make any motion. I can't let her make a phone call just yet. I need to know more, what does she mean he was the Fifth Child? What does she mean he was the final Angel?
That person who recognized me yesterday was an Eva pilot? That person knew me because of that? I certainly didn't know him so how is that possible. I need to know more information and... I know it's selfish of me considering what she said but I can't let anyone know I'm here.
"Wait!" I tell her, "No phonecalls, not yet."
She looks at me, "Asuka, this is serious. He was…"
I nod my head, "I know and I believe you Rei it's just… I need to know more first. What do you mean he was both the Fifth Child and the final Angel?"
I keep my hand in place and continue to look at Rei. She stares back at me before finally relaxing her pose and putting her handbag on the counter. She walks out of the kitchen into the front room where we both sit opposite one another on the seating. She sighs before looking at me, "I apologize, I… forgot that your memory of that time period is not complete."
I shake my head, "It's fine, it's not like I ever asked for those blanks to be filled in before. Not really a period of time I want to remember. Start from the beginning, who is Kaworu Nagisa?"
Rei pauses and seems to be deep in thought for a few moments. I can imagine she is finding it tough to come up with the right words to say to me, so I decide to make it easier for her, "The Fifth Child… Shinji was the Third, Touji was the Fourth but he was injured during the activation test so the Fifth Child would have been my replacement right?"
Rei nods, "Yes… He turned up around the time you…"
Again I step in to make things easier, "After I ran away and tried to… kill myself?"
She nods again and edges closer to me holding out her hand. I place mine on top of hers and tighten around it, "It's alright Rei… I know… what I tried to do. We don't need to avoid the subject."
"You are correct, Kaworu was your replacement and arrived shortly after you were found and hospitalized. He immediately befriended Shinji. Shinji was in a very bad place at that time. He had discovered the truth of what I was and had just witnessed me die and become a different person. His friends had left Tokyo-3, you were hurt, Misato wasn't around…It was very easy for someone like Kaworu to manipulate him."
There was genuine venom in Rei's words as she spoke of the boy. It's a little bit unnerving if I'm being honest, I've heard the girl get angry and frustrated before but never anything like this.
"Manipulate him? How so?"
"He became friends with Shinji. He told Shinji things that he wanted to hear and Shinji fell for it and I believe for him."
"Fell for him?" I ask in some shock, "You mean…"
I trail off unsure of how to phrase my question. I would not be entirely surprised if Shinji was not in fact heterosexual but the truth was in the time I knew him I never known him to show a romantic interest in anyone, except of course… for those brief fleeting moments when we kissed and when we encountered each other in Third Impact.
Rei nods again, "I do not doubt that there was some romantic attachment on the part of Shinji. Whether it is because of Kaworu appearing at the right time or not I do not know. My brother has never shown any romantic or sexual interest in anyone. I wanted to say or do something at the time but things were very muddle for me in my third body… Also given what Shinji has just discovered about me I did not feel he would trust me."
"So what happened?"
"Barely a couple of days after he arrived Kaworu snuck into NERV and hijacked Unit 02. His Angel form allowed him to manipulate the Eva and he used it to descend towards Central Dogma."
Anger flares up inside of me at hearing Rei say this, not so much at the betrayal but at the fact that he used my Unit 02 to do it. How dare he do such a thing, how dare he takes what was mine!
"On reaching Central Dogma he found out that he was standing in front of Lilith and now Adam like he thought. He realized that much like he had used Shinji, SEELE had used him and meant for him to fulfil his role in their plan and die. It was Shinji who dealt the final blow. It… broke Shinji. Kaworu wasn't human but he looked, sounded and smelled human. He was much more human than I was, Shinji not only had to deal with the loss and betrayal of a friend but with killing what was a living person."
I lower my eyes, I know what happened after this. I know the events afterwards, "I see, no wonder he…"
I can remember those moments before Third Impact quite clearly. Being in my Eva and fighting, waiting, hoping that Shinji would show up to save the day. I had never wanted it to happen so badly but it wasn't to be. I died on that day except… I didn't really die. Instead I was pulled into Instrumentality and forced to relive moments and try to untangle the mess of my fucked up life.
I feel Rei's warm hand tighten around mine, "I apologize for making you relive your memories of those moments. I know they are painful, they are for me too. If you wish I will go."
I look up at her and shake my head, "No please… stay. I'm glad you're here it's just… a lot to take in. I just… I didn't know about any of this. No one told me and I never bothered to ask. It just… puts a lot of things in perspective now."
As I speak I hear my voice start to tremble slightly. I blink away the tears again, in some way my heart feels somewhat lighter at hearing the strange tale of Kaworu Nagisa. He did recognize me and he must have been frightened of me but not for the reasons I thought, it was because he must have thought I knew what he did and I'd hurt him.
I look up at Rei's frowning face and feel that if I were to hurt Kaworu I'd have to get into a queue behind Rei. The only thing is I have no wish to hurt him, I don't want to be that angry person, I don't want to hurt people anymore even if they do deserve it in some way.
I don't really understand why Kaworu would have ran from me though. If he is an Angel then why would he be afraid of a human like me.
"He must have… known who I was yesterday then. That's why he ran like that but… if why would he run?" I ask Rei to see if maybe she knows.
"I do not know." Rei replies to me, "I do not know why he is alive right now but I wish to find out. I also want to make sure no harm comes to you or anyone. He will not hurt one of my friends again."
I muster up a grin, "I can take care of myself Rei. I'll… let you make your phone call, just… don't… mention… if you can."
"Do not worry, I will be sure to not mention your involvement in this."
I'm away for the weekend so just posting this whilst I can. Here is the third chapter.
This is the song that Asuka/Kaworu talk about at the end of the chapter in its entirety. Kaworu plays the first minute or so of it. It's a wonderful track.
Asuka Langley Soryu
Berlin – Early Morning
The nightmares came back last night. The ones in which I get found out, the ones in which the fragile social bonds I've made with people are shattered and everyone turns there back on me. The ones where I wake up crying knowing that if that did happen I'd deserve it.
I didn't sleep for the rest of the night, from four o'clock onwards I've been awake sitting in my front room. I tried doing some further editing to my book, that didn't happen so instead I put on a game instead. I spent the majority of the morning scoring goals past any and all opposition as I try to put what happened yesterday out of my mind.
Why did he run away from me like that? Did he know who I was? Does he know what I did? That shouldn't be possible though, I know logically it shouldn't be possible. I've spoken about it with Rei in the past, He... he has the same concerns but no one knows who we are. If they do they just know we were the Evangelion pilots who helped save the world.
Yet that annoying awkward fear remains. It doesn't help that I'm seeing Rei today either. It isn't her fault, I know she is my friend but I can't help but worry each time I see her that it will be the time that our friendship is revealed to be nothing but a fraud. That she comes here with the others to tell me how much they hate me. To tell me how disgusting I am and that I deserve to be alone and abandoned. To bring up all those things I did in my past and throw it in my face. I'd deserve it aswell wouldn't I?
I shake my head and force those thoughts away. That isn't going to happen, Rei is my friend now and everything is in the past. She's told me numerous times, even with some annoyance that I'm forgiven for how I acted back then.
It's all that guys fault, if he hadn't had ran away then I wouldn't be like this right now. No, that isn't true. I'd be like this anyway, he's just made it more prominent. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I look rough. I can see the bags under my eyes and I know no amount of make-up will hide them. I've tried to make an effort but I know Rei will see through it. She always does, it's who Rei is.
I finally open the door ao reveal Rei standing on the other side. She's a far cry from the dour girl I knew so many years ago. She's looking upwards, a faint smile on her face and wearing a short red skirt, complemented by a black top with a white jacket over it. In one of her hands is a bag that I recognize from one of the nearby cafes.
"Hello Asuka." She announces, "I brought lunch if that is alright?"
I laugh and step aside to let her in, "Of course, come on in!"
I watch her as she enters the apartment and I allow myself a smile as well. I feel happy to see the life that now exists within Rei. It's good to see she finally has the chance to have a life. I follow her through into the kitchen and watch as she places the bag up on one of the counters. I'm interested in seeing what it is she has bought, moments later she pulls out two boxes each one filled with luscious smelling pancakes.
My mouth starts to water at the sight of them and I step forward. Rei sees this and smiles and immediately turns herself around and pulls me into a warm but tight hug.
"I've missed you Asuka!"
I laugh and return the hug, "I've miss you too Rei, it's been quite a while hasn't it?"
She releases me from the hug, "Almost a year since we last met."
"Yeah." I say guiltily, "How was your flight?"
She shrugs slightly, "It was okay. I arrived late last night so I was able to get a good amount of sleep."
"I'm glad." I reply as I go into one of my kitchen cupboards to grab some plates for our pancakes, "These smell delicious Rei."
"They do, I was wondering what to do for lunch and saw a place selling these. I have become quite a fan of pancakes whilst being in America, I am eager to try these."
I am as well and I get out some plates and cutlery for us. The pancakes are plain but the café Rei got them from supplied her with a variety of spreads to try with them. Rei reaches for the strawberry jam for hers, I go for the classic chocolate spread for my first one.
"So how come you're here in Germany, I thought the plan was to travel America for a few more weeks?"
"it was but I realized halfway through the trip that it was coming up to a year since I last saw you, so I sought to rectify that."
I almost choke in shock, "Y-You... Rei that's too much money just to come and visit me!"
She shrugs again, "I do not think so. As I said it has almost been a year and I think the chances of you visiting me and Japan are somewhat slim."
That little pang of guilt I feel at hearing her say that is suppressed for a moment by me swallowing a bit of my pancake. I gave down at the counter, "Yeah well... You know why that is Rei."
"Yes. Although I must disagree with your stance, I am sure they would like to see you again."
"No Rei... They wouldn't like to see me." I look up at her and let out a sigh, "Look, it's... it isn't that I don't believe you it's just that... I can't see them again and that's for the best. I hurt them a lot and it's just best I stay away. They... They're better off without me in their life, I'm not a good person."
"I do not become friends with bad people Asuka."
I feel my cheeks glow red, "Yeah well... maybe I'm the exception to the rule."
"I do not believe so, I believe you are being too hard on yourself."
I shrug, "Maybe... Maybe not... I guess... they still don't know that we're friends do they?"
"I have not told them anything of our friendship and I will continue to keep this a secret for as long as you desire it. As far as they are concerned you left Japan years ago and are living comfortably and off the grid."
"T-Thank you, I'm sorry I am making you keep this a secret."
"I do not mind." She replies coolly, "That is what you wish and as your friend I will not betray that wish."
"Thank you." I nervously shift from one foot to the other, "So... how are they doing?"
"Misato has begun work with an organization known as WILLE. I believe that she wishes to start operations in Tokyo-3 to salvage what is left of NERV."
Another pang in my stomach at hearing the name of NERV spoken, I quickly supress it with another chocolate covered piece of pancake. I'm nearly done with this one, I should get another. Maybe not chocolate spread this time, I might try the jam, Rei seemed to enjoy that one.
"is there even anything left to recover?" I ask, "I mean... we didn't exactly leave it in a reusable state."
Rei nods, "NERV was much bigger than any of you... even I knew. There are parts of it that will still be there and might have something of benefit to us... or something that should be destroyed. I trust that Misato will make the right decision."
"Hah, making the right decision and Misato?" I start to joke but trail off, Rei seems amused but halfway through I realize the joke just isn't funny to me, "Yeah... She will. What about... well... you know who?"
She seems to take a moment to think, "He is doing well."
She lies to me, a strange thing about Rei is that she isn't a very good liar. She always looks off in the same direction when she does so and her hand twitches on doing so. I decide to not press her on it though. I don't have any right to be too concerned about him or know more considering who I am.
"He has signed up to take music lessons."
I look at her in confusion and shock, "Music lessons? What the hell would he need music lessons for? I... I heard him years ago, he was... he was very good."
It was just a shame that I had to go and ruin his night by being... me. I force the memory away as Rei replies to me, "It has been many years since he last played so he believes his skills to be somewhat rusty. He had his first lesson yesterday but I have not yet been in contact to find out how it went."
"He is doing alright though?" I ask once more, in a way hoping that maybe Rei will be more truthful with me.
"Yes." She replies but her tone again indicating that he isn't as good as she is letting on.
"I'm glad." I finally reply, "He... He deserves to be happy."
My hand clenches into a fist as I avert my eyes from Rei. Those little daggers of guilt appear once more as I think about him, "Especially after everything that I-"
"Asuka!" Rei cuts me off sternly. I slowly look up into those piercing red eyes of hers. They're frightening and I instantly go quiet, "You should forgive yourself for all that happened. I have told you on numerous occasisions that not only you but we were all very different people back then."
"I-" I start to protest but Rei doesn't allow me in. After Third Impact Rei did find her voice and she isn't afraid of using it.
"You are a good person Asuka and... I know that you were back then as well. You might not have always shown it but you were. If you weren't I would not have made such an effort to find you after you left Japan."
"Yeah but..."
"I know you see yourself solely as the Asuka who always yelled and shouted at others, who belittled other people and believed herself to be better than other people. The Asuka who would lash out frequently."
I feel so much better now.
"But that is not who you are now and not all you were back then. I can look back and see the Asuka who was brave in front of monsters that threatened this world. The Asuka who tried to encourage her teammates to do better. The Asuka who risked her life to protect her friends. A frightened Asuka who wanted to reach out to others. I saw an Asuka who was unselfish, who made an effort to include someone like me when she had no reason to. That Asuka who took us to the ramen cart that night."
I'd cry on hearing her words if that wouldn't be unbelievably pathetic of me and if I hadn't already used up my weekly supply of tears after my nightmare. So instead I blink rapidly and force the stinging feeling behind my eyes to go away. She mentioned that damn ramen cart again, she has a thing for that.
I laugh, "Well... Misato couldn't really afford a steak dinner and... you're vegetarian so what else was I supposed to do."
"You were not supposed to do anything. It was not your responsibility, Misato should not have made the promise if she were not able to keep it. Yet you did do something and I am grateful for it."
"Alright!" I try to put an end to this, "You've made your point... I guess I wasn't completely awful. Maybe only 95% awful."
She glares at me, "It is an improvement I suppose."
I watch as she leans over to grab another pancake. She seems to stop mid motion as her eyes are drawn to something on the counter. Rei does something of a double take as she looks intently at the piece of paper I had left lying there. Her mouth opens slightly as if she is shocked and I take a step forward.
"Rei… Is everything alright? You've been looking at that piece of paper for nearly a minute now."
She looks up at me and her expression as changed, it's hardened and for a brief moment I wonder if this is it. Is this finally the moment she is going to call me out for all the bad I've done just as I deserve. Naturally she doesn't do that, she instead picks up the piece of paper and holds it in front of me.
"This document, where did you get it?"
I look at the document she is holding and my heart starts to beat faster in my chest. It's the one that guy dropped yesterday. I can see his name written at the top followed by an address. I don't know why I picked it up, after what happened I probably should have left it there but it looked important. I was going to post it.
I lean casually on the counter trying to not show any trace of being bothered by Rei holding it up to me or by my memories of yesterday.
"Oh that?" I shrug, "I... found it yesterday... some guy was coming into the café I was working in and he didn't look to see where he was going. Idiot bumped right into me and sent us both spilling to the ground. He left and dropped it."
Rei is eying me oddly, does she know what happened? Rei has a weird sense of just knowing things from time to time. She looks at the name on the form as if confirming what it says, "You... met this guy? Did anything else happen?"
I swallow and nod, "Well he... looked at me and he got frightened... he ran away from me. He didn't stop to pick it up he just ran. I... He knew who I was... He knew me Rei, he was frightened of me and he..."
In a blur of motion Rei sets the form down on the table and moved into wrap me in another of her warm hugs. I don't even try to resist and I put my arms around her and rest my head on her should. I can feel myself on the verge of tears again, "He knew who I was... I've been found out Rei... I've been..."
Rei shakes her head, "No... No, you haven't Asuka. You don't recognize the name on that form do you?"
Still in her embrace I shake my head, "No... Why would I?"
"Asuka that person you met… Kaworu Nagisa, he was the Fifth Child and… he was the final Angel." She informs me darkly and I feel my stomach drop, "I… I need to make a phone call."
Rei breaks the hug and starts to walk towards her handbag. I reach out and grab her wrist before she can make any motion. I can't let her make a phone call just yet. I need to know more, what does she mean he was the Fifth Child? What does she mean he was the final Angel?
That person who recognized me yesterday was an Eva pilot? That person knew me because of that? I certainly didn't know him so how is that possible. I need to know more information and... I know it's selfish of me considering what she said but I can't let anyone know I'm here.
"Wait!" I tell her, "No phonecalls, not yet."
She looks at me, "Asuka, this is serious. He was…"
I nod my head, "I know and I believe you Rei it's just… I need to know more first. What do you mean he was both the Fifth Child and the final Angel?"
I keep my hand in place and continue to look at Rei. She stares back at me before finally relaxing her pose and putting her handbag on the counter. She walks out of the kitchen into the front room where we both sit opposite one another on the seating. She sighs before looking at me, "I apologize, I… forgot that your memory of that time period is not complete."
I shake my head, "It's fine, it's not like I ever asked for those blanks to be filled in before. Not really a period of time I want to remember. Start from the beginning, who is Kaworu Nagisa?"
Rei pauses and seems to be deep in thought for a few moments. I can imagine she is finding it tough to come up with the right words to say to me, so I decide to make it easier for her, "The Fifth Child… Shinji was the Third, Touji was the Fourth but he was injured during the activation test so the Fifth Child would have been my replacement right?"
Rei nods, "Yes… He turned up around the time you…"
Again I step in to make things easier, "After I ran away and tried to… kill myself?"
She nods again and edges closer to me holding out her hand. I place mine on top of hers and tighten around it, "It's alright Rei… I know… what I tried to do. We don't need to avoid the subject."
"You are correct, Kaworu was your replacement and arrived shortly after you were found and hospitalized. He immediately befriended Shinji. Shinji was in a very bad place at that time. He had discovered the truth of what I was and had just witnessed me die and become a different person. His friends had left Tokyo-3, you were hurt, Misato wasn't around…It was very easy for someone like Kaworu to manipulate him."
There was genuine venom in Rei's words as she spoke of the boy. It's a little bit unnerving if I'm being honest, I've heard the girl get angry and frustrated before but never anything like this.
"Manipulate him? How so?"
"He became friends with Shinji. He told Shinji things that he wanted to hear and Shinji fell for it and I believe for him."
"Fell for him?" I ask in some shock, "You mean…"
I trail off unsure of how to phrase my question. I would not be entirely surprised if he was not in fact heterosexual but the truth was in the time I knew him I never known him to show a romantic interest in anyone, except of course… for those brief fleeting moments when we kissed and when we encountered each other in Third Impact.
Rei nods again, "I do not doubt that there was some romantic attachment on the part of Shinji. Whether it is because of Kaworu appearing at the right time or not I do not know. My brother has never shown any romantic or sexual interest in anyone. I wanted to say or do something at the time but things were very muddle for me in my third body… Also given what Shinji has just discovered about me I did not feel he would trust me."
"So what happened?"
"Barely a couple of days after he arrived Kaworu snuck into NERV and hijacked Unit 02. His Angel form allowed him to manipulate the Eva and he used it to descend towards Central Dogma."
Anger flares up inside of me at hearing Rei say this, not so much at the betrayal but at the fact that he used my Unit 02 to do it. How dare he do such a thing, how dare he takes what was mine!
"On reaching Central Dogma he found out that he was standing in front of Lilith and now Adam like he thought. He realized that much like he had used Shinji, SEELE had used him and meant for him to fulfil his role in their plan and die. It was Shinji who dealt the final blow. It… broke Shinji. Kaworu wasn't human but he looked, sounded and smelled human. He was much more human than I was, Shinji not only had to deal with the loss and betrayal of a friend but with killing what was a living person."
I lower my eyes, I know what happened after this. I know the events afterwards, "I see, no wonder he…"
I can remember those moments before Third Impact quite clearly. Being in my Eva and fighting, waiting, hoping that he would show up to save the day. I had never wanted it to happen so badly but it wasn't to be. I died on that day except… I didn't really die. Instead I was pulled into Instrumentality and forced to relive moments and try to untangle the mess of my fucked up life.
I feel Rei's warm hand tighten around mine, "I apologize for making you relive your memories of those moments. I know they are painful, they are for me too. If you wish I will go."
I look up at her and shake my head, "No please… stay. I'm glad you're here it's just… a lot to take in. I just… I didn't know about any of this. No one told me and I never bothered to ask. It just… puts a lot of things in perspective now."
As I speak I hear my voice start to tremble slightly. I blink away the tears again, in some way my heart feels somewhat lighter at hearing the strange tale of Kaworu Nagisa. He did recognize me and he must have been frightened of me but not for the reasons I thought, it was because he must have thought I knew what he did and I'd hurt him.
I look up at Rei's frowning face and feel that if I were to hurt Kaworu I'd have to get into a queue behind Rei. The only thing is I have no wish to hurt him, I don't want to be that angry person, I don't want to hurt people anymore even if they do deserve it in some way.
I don't really understand why Kaworu would have ran from me though. If he is an Angel then why would he be afraid fo a human like me.
"He must have… known who I was yesterday then. That's why he ran like that but… if why would he run?" I ask Rei to see if maybe she knows.
"I do not know." Rei replies to me, "I do not know why he is alive right now but I wish to find out. I also want to make sure no harm comes to you or anyone. He will not hurt one of my friends again."
I muster up a grin, "I can take care of myself Rei. I'll… let you make your phone call, just… don't… mention… if you can."
"Do not worry, I will be sure to not mention your involvement in this."
"Thank you."
Misato Katsuragi
Tokyo-2 – Early Evening
I leave the small meeting room and head straight down the corridor towards my temporary office. The meeting was admittedly not quite as productive as I'd have hoped. A lot of the focus was on them questioning me and my actions during the war against the Angels.
I know why they did it, they want to find out who I am, who I was and whether I'm worthy enough to accomplish what I need to do. They want to see if I'm capable and strong enough and want to see if my personal feelings aren't getting in the way. They want to make me look stupid so they can all get their people in there and freeze us out.
I can't say I didn't expect any of it though, it was something that I discussed in length with Maya and the others before we decided to go into this. So, I did my best to remain calm and focused. I answered any and all questions as professionally as I could. I deflected when I was able to and tried to keep everything on track to what to do with Tokyo-3.
In a way I am still questioning why I'm doing this. Maybe my personal feelings are getting in the way somehow but Fuyutsuki persuaded me I was the best person for it and I'd make the right decisions. He wants me to do this and I believed him.
It isn't as if no progress was made during the meeting though. We now have a date for the next meeting and we know that each interested party will be presenting their team to do an exploratory sweep of the abandoned zone. I've already selected Maya and Makoto as my team. If there are any people best suited for it it'd be those two. Ritsuko would have course been an ideal candidate too but nothing will persuade her to join us. She seems happy teaching at a local school now and I can't blame her.
As I enter the office I feel my phone vibrating in my bad. I quickly pull it out and glance at the caller ID. It's Rei, that's unusual, I thought that she was enjoying herself in America at this moment. Why would she be calling me now?
Hoping everything is alright I answer, "Hello, Rei? Is everything alright?"
There is a small pause and I hear the sound of a door closing, "Hello Misato, everything is fine."
I relax my shoulders and breathe out a sigh of relief, "Oh good! How is America?"
There is another brief pause, "I am not currently in America. I am actually in Germany right now, Berlin to be precise."
"Berlin?" I exclaim, what the hell is Rei doing in Berlin?
"What are you doing in Berlin?" I ask her, I already have a suspicion, one I've had for quite some time but I've never spoken or asked about it. It's a bit of an unwritten rule in our home that we don't speak of certain things. I wonder if... Well I doubt Rei will say one way or the other.
"America bored me." She replied, "So I decided to come to Europe instead. It was something of an impulsive decision I made yesterday."
"Oh." I shrug casually, "As long as you're alright."
"I am doing fine but... there is a reason I am calling you. Since arriving I have... seen something..."
I feel a little pang of nervousness in my stomach as she says that. My mind immediately begins to wander to dark places, I can't help it. I worry about her, I know she is sensible, probably the most sensible out of all of us and she is incredibly mature too considering she has only really started to explore her own humanity over the last few years but she is not invincible.
Added with the fact that she is currently in Germany I begin to run over other worst-case scenarios. That thing which we don't speak of, is it something to do with that? Has Rei seen her? Is...
My own thoughts are cut off by Rei speaking, "Kaworu Nagisa is alive."
My jaw drops, that was certainly not what I was expecting to hear. In a million years I would not have ran that scenario through my head. I find myself unable to say anything in response to her. In a way I'm relieved that it was not one of the things I had thought of, in another I'm terrified knowing what this could represent.
"Misato are you there?"
Rei's voice brings me back down to Earth, I have to make sure she did in fact say what I thought she did.
"Rei... Can you repeat that please?"
"Yes. Kaworu Nagisa is alive."
Kaworu Nagisa... A name I haven't heard of in a long time. If that other subject is not spoken about in our home then the subject of Kaworu is even more complicated. My mind immediately wanders to Shinji and how he would react to this news. I know exactly how Shinji feels about Kaworu. I know Shinji still harbours feelings of guilt towards what he did, towards what he had to do. I can understand it though, killing someone is not a pleasant thing... even if they are your enemy.
"Okay Rei..." I try to focus myself and make an attempt to switch to Major Katsuragi mode, "Tell me more, when did you see him? How did you see him? Are you certain it was him?"
So Rei tells me, keeping her words short and to the point, "I saw him yesterday, he was entering a small café in the city but I do not recall the name. I am certain it was him, there is no mistaking that."
"Right." I nod my head, "And did he see you at all?"
"No."
"Good." I nod again, "Look Rei, I know you're on holiday but I'm going to ask you to cut it short. I want you to come back to Japan as soon as you can, I'm going to find out more about this."
"Understood."
"Goodbye Rei, see you soon."
"See you soon Misato."
Rei hangs up the phone and I stand there in disbelief for at least a minute. Kaworu Nagisa is back on this Earth and has somehow found himself in Berlin. That one thing I have been afraid of for so long has happened. If Nagisa is back then what else does that mean? Does it mean more Angels can return? Does it mean SEELE are back?
I try to focus my thoughts, there is no point jumping to conclusions just yet. What I need to do is gather information first if I rush into doing something then people are going to get hurt, most of all that kid who is sitting back in my apartment right now. I need to protect him most of all.
So, what do I do now? There are a few people I can contact but I suppose my first port of call will be the person I always turn to for advice. I'll start with her, she might know something before I go further down the rabbit hole.
It doesn't take long before answers the phone. She sounds happy and I immediately feel bad for what I'm about to say, "Hello MIsato, just finished your meeting I'm guessing."
I don't greet her, "Ritsuko, Kaworu Nagisa is back."
There is silence and I imagine her in very much a similar state to what I was when Rei told me. Her voice comes back moments later, "Can you repeat that?"
"Kaworu Nagisa is back."
She isn't silent this time, "Are you sure? How do you know?"
"Rei just phoned to tell me, she is currently in Berlin and she saw him."
"When?"
"Some point yesterday, he was entering a café there. He didn't see her though fortunately."
"You're sure she didn't just make a mistake."
"Ritsuko, this is Rei we're talking about here, if she says she saw him then we can be sure of it. Besides... how many people do you think there are who look like Kaworu Nagisa?"
"True..." Ritsuko pauses for a moment, "I don't understand though, how can he be back? He was..."
"An Angel?" I finish Ritsuko's sentence for her, "I don't know Rits, I was hoping you might know something."
"I'm afraid I can't really help you, I know nothing about him either. His name came up on reports back then but that was literally just it, a name and a date of birth. I didn't have access to any further information on him, you know how NERV was and by the time he arrived I wasn't exactly in good standing with others..."
I bow my head at hearing her say that, in my panic to try to learn more I had forgotten just what had happened to Ritsuko at that point in time. With the way she carries herself now it's easy to forget that she was deep into her own personal hell back then too.
"I know... Sorry."
"It's fine, out of all the people back then I am the one most likely to know something. The best I can offer is that Kaworu seemed to be similar to Rei, a hybrid of Angel and human, he was also a part of SEELE's dummy plug system."
"So like Rei... he would have had spares..."
"Exactly. Although anything like that would have been kept in SEELEs main strongholds which were raided years ago. I don't remember them finding anything like that."
"Well if they did they could have kept it secret, Rei and Kaworu... were miracles of science really. I imagine a lot of people would want to keep hold of that sort of thing." My mind then leaps immediately to the worst case, "You don't think that... SEELE might still be..."
"We shouldn't jump to conclusions yet." Ritsuko says to me, "I'm just offering one possibility, there are others. He could have... returned just like Rei did."
I know she is right, I shouldn't leap to the worst-case scenario but I want to prepare myself just in case. There is a brief pause before she speaks again, "Are you going to tell Shinji?"
"No... Not yet, he's... having a tough time at the moment with the music lessons thing and I don't want to add to that. Until I learn more I think I'll keep this quiet."
"A wise decision." She pauses again, "Speak to Fuyutsuki, I know you don't like dealing with him and... well I'm not a fan either but he does seem to be genuinely trying to help. If anyone is likely to know something it'll be him."
I sigh, "I know... Fuyutsuki it is then. Bye Rits."
"Goodbye Misato and... good luck."
Kaworu Nagisa
Berlin – Mid Afternoon
I shift myself around on my seat trying to get comfortable and reach across the desk for my cup of coffee. My fingertips grace the top of the plastic cup and I gently grip and lift it. I raise it slightly from the desk when a sudden knock at the door causes me to jump in fright. I let out a noise and drop the cup, it falls to the desk, some of the contents spilling onto my hand and the rest down the desk onto the floor below.
I look up and see Fuyutsuki enter the office, he looks around briefly taking in the sight of the mess I've made and then the sight of me clutching my hand in pain, "Nagisa! Are you alright?"
I nod my head angrily, annoyed at myself for letting this happen and ending with me looking like an idiot in front of Fuyutsuki. Ever since last night I've been a bag of nerves. I barely got any sleep last night and I've been unable to focus on anything so far today. I keep on shaking and every noise is getting to me. Coming into work was a struggle, I keep on expecting to see her wherever I go, I keep on expecting to see the others and expecting them to give me what I deserve.
Fuyutsuki takes a look at my hand and shakes his head, "Wait here I'll go and get you a cloth. I don't think you've burnt anything."
I nod again as Fuyutsuki leaves the office and slips into the kitchen down the corridor. In the meantime I sit myself down on my seat and let out a sigh as I watch the spilled coffee drip off of the desk onto the floor. I suppose I should think myself lucky that it didn't hit anything on my desk.
As I sit and wait for Fuyutsuki to return my mind once again replays the scene from yesterday. My unfortunate encounter with the former Second Child, Asuka Langley Soryu. I find myself asking a number of questions about it, what was she doing here? Is anyone else here with her? Did she even recognize me?
I try to think about what I know about her. I know she is originally from Germany but from what I understood she had made Japan her home as a pilot. I only had access to minimal files on her but my understanding was that her family situation was complicated and she had expressed a desire to her guardian to remain in Japan.
I lean back and wonder about my other questions. She seemed to be alone at the time but that doesn't mean anything. She could have been meeting someone in the café or going to meet someone after being in there. As for whether or not she recognized me, she was incapacitated when I went into NERV but I'm sure in all the years that have passed for her someone would have told her about me.
She didn't seem to recognize me but in the confusion of it all I don't think she had the chance to properly take a look. Still I know myself I'm not exactly normal looking so there is a chance she'll have recognized me.
Fuyutsuki finally reenters the room with a cloth and a handful of paper towels. I take them from him and start to clean up the mess I've made. As I do so I can feel his eyes on me and I wonder if he is angry at me for what happened. I look up and see the same sympathetic eyes I've seen from him since I first met him.
"Nagisa, Is everything okay with you today? You have seemed somewhat distracted all day and it is most unlike you, did something happen at the interview yesterday?"
I avert my gaze from him and I actually consider lying to him and telling him I'm fine. It seems embarrassing to admit the truth but I know that if I don't things might get worse. So I swallow what little I have of my pride and shake my head, "I… The interview went fine yesterday, they are eager for me to start."
"I see, so what is the issue?"
"On the way back from the interview I was going to go into a small café to relax and… there was an incident. I… encountered someone…"
His expression turns from sympathetic to deathly serious and he steps forward, "Was this someone you know?"
"Yes… Well no… sort of…" I fumble my words, "I don't know them exactly but I know of them and I fear that I am known to then. I saw… the Second Child… I saw Asuka Langley Soryu."
"Ah!" Fuyutsuki takes a step back from me and shakes his head, "I see… I was afraid that something like this might happen eventually."
"Y-You were afraid of something like this happening?" I ask him and find it hard to hide my surprise, I don't know if I should be angry or not at hearing this, "Did you know Asuka was here in Berlin?"
"He gives a small nod and goes to sit down at his desk, "I am afraid I did know but I did not anticipate any issues. Belin is a vast city and the odds of you two meeting were slim."
I finish cleaning my desk and the area around it and deposit the kitchen towel into the small bin before sitting back down at my desk. My hand is still stinging from where the coffee hit it and I try to process what Fuyutsuki has told me.
"I must apologize to you Nagisa, perhaps I should have told you before that there was a risk of you encountering her but from what is known of her we didn't think it'd be a factor. Can I ask… did anything happen when you saw her?"
"No…" I say to him, "I accidentally bumped into her when she was coming out of the café, she yelled at me and I tried to help her up to her feet. When I realized who she was I… I turned and ran away. I don't think she recognized me."
"Perhaps she didn't… A lot of time has passed and I don't think Asuka has ever been properly informed of that period of time. Asuka…" Fuyutsuki bows his head, "Asuka decided shortly after Third Impact to return to Germany and cut off all contact with her former friends and colleagues. We do of course monitor her for her own safety but she wishes nothing to do with us."
Fuyutsuki stops there and I wonder if there is anything more to the story than he is telling me. I wonder why Asuka chose to leave Japan behind and why she decided to cut off contact from others. I know little else about her, my focus when I went to Tokyo-3 was on Shinji as he was the only other active pilot. I decide now is not the best time to inquire about such things.
Fuyutsuki addresses me again, "Again I apologize that I did not tell you that there was a risk of this. If you wish you can take the rest of the day off and we can look into rehoming you elsewhere to prevent such things."
I shake my head, "N-No… I would… This place is my home now and I am grateful to be here and to be able to work here. I want to continue living here. I have very little here but what I do have I like and I don't want to lose it, I would rather stay."
"Very well." He replies, "If you have any issues please let me know. I don't want to see you hurt."
Asuka Langley Soryu
Berlin – Early evening
Why am I doing this? It's a question that I've been asking myself constantly since I left my apartment just under thirty minutes ago. I round a street corner and pull the envelope out of my pocket and pop the small form out. I glance at the address and compare it with the apartment block I'm now stood in front of. This is definitely the right place.
My hand hovers over the buzzer and I once again ask myself just why I'm doing this. I don't have any answer except that I'm curious. I'm curious as to why Kaworu Nagisa fled from me yesterday, I'm curious as to who he is and how he came back, I'm curious as to why he is in Berlin right now. I continue to stand in front of the buzzer as a certain saying about cats and curiosity runs through my head.
I dread to think what Rei would think or say if she knew I was doing this. My finger finally presses the buzzer and I wait, there is no sound from the device and I press it again. There is still no sound and I look down at the door and see the lock is broken. I shake my head and gently push the door open and step inside the lobby.
It would have been so easy for me to just post this to him but for some reason I was compelled to deliver it to him myself. After a bit of walking I finally reach his door, it's an unassuming brown wooden door just like the many others in the hallway. I knock twice and wait, listening out for sounds of movement. I take one cautious step back from the door and prepare for the worst.
Yesterday is replaying in my head, how I collided with him and we were both sent spilling to the ground. How he got up and ran from me and how I lost a night's sleep because of it. I think about all those things Rei told me about him in her attempt to fill in some of the blanks. This guy was the last Angel, strange I didn't think they could take human form.
I wonder if I should be scared of him, judging by his reaction yesterday probably not but then what should I feel about him? Should I be angry at him? For doing what he did to… for what he did to a certain other person? For nearly destroying this world. In that way he is no different from me but at least I suppose I was at least honest about what a horrible person I was.
After a time, I hear the sounds of a lock opening and the door opens slowly to reveal Kaworu Nagisa to me. I'm only able to catch a glimpse of him, it looks like he is still in his work clothes, he's wearing a pair of smart grey trousers, a plain white shirt and orange tie. That is all I'm able to see of him before he locks eyes with me, he jumps backwards and immediately tries to slam the door in my face.
As if expecting him to do that I place my foot in between the door and doorframe and I yelp out in pain as the door collides with my foot.
"Wait!" I manage to choke out through the pain, "I'm not... I'm not here to hurt you, you idiot!"
I realize angrily calling him an idiot might not be too persuasive as he continues to try to shut the door on me. He's strong and I consider withdrawing my foot, letting him shut the door and walking away. Unfortunately for my foot an older part of me has taken over and I'm not willing to let him win.
I lean myself up against the door and look around the corridor hoping that no one else here can hear this exchange or comes out right now. The last thing I need is for someone to see me doing this. I push against the door, "Listen to me! I'm not... I'm here to deliver that damn letter you dropped yesterday!"
My words seem to have had some effect on him as I feel the force stop from his end, something my poor right foot is very grateful for. I stay exactly where I am not pushing on the door anymore but keeping it propped open. I'm sure I can hear him take a step away from me before I hear a weak voice, "Could... Could you please post it and leave?"
This is really the Fifth Child and final Angel? The one who nearly doomed all of mankind? This is the person who made Rei so angry just by seeing his name? I consider his request, maybe I should just leave him alone but again I feel that compulsion to find out more. I want to know why he is so terrified.
I push the door slightly and I see him stood on the far side of the corridor his eyes wide with fear. He backs himself up into the corner like some sort of frightened puppy. I hesitate to move any closer and feel my own heart rate increase. I'm really having this effect on him, I'm really scaring him this much because of this aren't I? I should leave, I should never have come here at all.
I stand there awkwardly in the doorway before repeating, "I'm not here to hurt you."
He looks at me with a look of disbelief and I take a step back. His eyes... they're the same eyes I had seen from another certain person in the past. That fear of the monster I am, does Kaworu know about me then? Does he know what I was? Is that why he is so scared of me?
I weakly smile and hold out the envelope, "Here... Take it, I'll... I'll go. I'm sorry, I didn't realize I scared you that much."
Kaworu looks at me again before taking a tentative step forward. He slowly reaches out and takes the envelope from me before looking at the form within. I see his eyes light up for a moment and he half smiles at me.
"T-Thank you." He says as he takes a step back, "I... I appreciate you bringing this."
I shrug, "Yeah well... it was no big deal. Look I'll just go, I just thought... Never mind... You should probably look at getting that front door fixed too."
I turn around to leave and hear him speak, "It is... a big deal to me... I am really grateful."
I freeze up, some communication finally, "Good."
I don't leave my spot in the door yet and wonder If he is about to say anything else. After thirty seconds of awkwardness he does, "I... I should apologize about yesterday... I hope... I did not hurt you..."
I finally turn around to face him, "It's fine... I just... Why did you run away from me?"
He averts his eyes from me, I'm sure I see some redness of embarrassment come to his pale cheeks, "I… I thought you were going to hurt me… That you knew who I was… but you know that now don't you?"
I nod my head, "I didn't yesterday but I've had a few of the blanks filled in for me now."
He glances at me before backing himself up against the wall, "Then you know what I was and what it was I did?"
I nod again, "Yes I do…"
"How much do you know?"
"Enough. I know that you were sent to NERV to replace me and I know you ended up being an Angel." I tell him realizing there is no point beating around the bush, "I know that you befriended… "
I trail off for some reason finding myself unable to say his name. Kaworu is looking at me with a wounded expression, "I know that you hurt him too."
He recoils at my words and shakes his head, "No it was not… I had no choice… I…"
He looks directly at me now, "It was too much… SEELE and the compulsions I felt I… I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to hurt anyone but…"
"But you did."
"Yes… I did…" He admits, "And I regret it, I've regretted it every day since I returned… I should not be here… I should…"
"Stop it." I order him not wishing to hear him say these things. It's not that I don't have sympathy for him but because those are the same words I've used countless times in the past about myself. I hate hearing them in my own head, never mind from someone else.
I try to move the subject on, "So what are you now?"
"I'm as human as you or anyone else is." He answers me immediately. It was just as I suspected and the fear he is feeling starts to make sense. He's not only going to be afraid of me but everyone else. He doesn't have whatever powers he could rely on as an Angel to protect him and his human side has taken over.
An awkward silence falls upon us as I step further into the hallway, his front door closes extinguishing an amount of the light that was coming in. In the darkness I can still make him out and I can see his red eyes looking towards me reflecting the little light that is coming in from one of the other rooms. Finally he speaks, "W-Would you like to come inside?"
His question takes me by surprise and I find myself nodding and following him into his front room. His front room is immaculate, not surprising considering the total lack of anything in it. He has a simple black couch placed in one part of the room with a television opposite. A small coffee table sits in between the two.
On one of the far walls is a small piano with a bookcase next to it filled up with what I presume to be music books. Next to that is a table with a music player on it. There is nothing else in the room, no plants, pictures or ornaments. The walls are a plain and dull white making it look as if he has just moved in here.
"How long have you been here?" I ask him.
"Almost six months…" He replies, "I… returned in January and spent a month in the facility there."
Six months here and this is all he has, even Rei didn't take that long to start amassing things. I wonder how Kaworu lives and what he does. He can't just sit and play piano all the time, he can't just listen to music all the time. Does he not have anything else?
"So you came to Berlin after being in the facility, do you know people here?"
He shakes his head, "I… not really. It was Fuyutsuki… he offered me an opportunity here. I work for him, he's helped me a great deal."
I don't know if I should be surprised at that. Fuyutsuki has, since we all returned been making an attempt to make up for what he was a part of. In the early days he visited each of us and ensured we got fair treatment and suitable payouts and support for what we all went through. I can imagine that he is also behind ensuring those people still watch over me, despite me saying I wanted nothing to do with any of them.
"Fuyutsuki huh? So he is still trying to help people is he… even if they used to be an Angel…"
I feel bad almost immediately after saying it, even more so when I see him flinch, "He has… been very helpful and kind to me."
"Good. I'm glad." I state flatly before taking another look around this barren and somewhat alien room. It unnerves me, it's so sterile and basic. It doesn't feel lived in at all.
"Thank you once again… for bringing the form I mean. It is… It is really important to me."
I shrug, "Don't mention it, so what exactly is it anyway that's so important?"
"I am applying to become a music tutor." He wanders over to his piano and smiles, "As you have probably noticed I don't have much here. I… don't really know how to live yet, most of my life was spent in isolation with minimal contact with other people. Music is… one thing I have always had though and playing the piano is one thing I am able to do and I would like to share my gift with others."
At least he knows what he wants, that is something. I walk over to his piano and take a look at it with him. It's a nice looking instrument but the thing that really catches my eye is the piece that he has displayed on the stand. I have to do a double take, "You're learning Firth of Fifth?"
He smiles at me, "You know the song?"
I grin, "Of course I know it! It was one of my…"
I trail off partway through my sentence and shake my head. I don't really want to explain to this guy I barely know just why that sort of music resonates with me. I used to tell people it's because it was music for smarter people, that the musical complexity was made for people like me and the lyrical depth was something you wouldn't get in their simpler forms of music.
It was of course all bullshit. The real reason I know and like this song and this sort of music is because my mother liked it. One of the few things I have left of her is her record collection. I would listen to the songs repeatedly, absorbed in the stories they tell and the musical journeys they took me on. It was one of the few things that allowed me to get close to my mother. He looks at me expecting me to finish my sentence, instead I smirk at him, "Play it."
"Play… Firth of Fifth?"
"Yes! Play it! I want to hear you!"
"O-Oh but I…"
"Oh come on." I challenge him, "You want to be a tutor right? You have to get used to having an audience."
"Okay… I shall try…"
I step away from the piano and he takes his seat and looks over the sheet a couple of times. I watch as he stretches his hands out and I watch as his hands hover over the piano keys for a moment. I wonder if he is really going to do it, he seems hesitant but then he nods his head four times and his slender pale fingers come down on the keys launching into the wondrous introduction of the song.
I remain still, my mouth slightly open in awe as he plays the entire introduction to the song flawlessly. I look and see his face deep in concentration as his hands glide across the piano. It's such a far cry from that frightened puppy of a boy I had witnessed only moments ago. A minute and some later he brings it to an end and I give him some light applause, "Very good."
"Y-You think so?" He looks embarrassed by the praise.
"Of course! So you like this sort of music?"
He nods enthusiastically, "Very much so, I just find it a shame that many of these artists are no longer active. I have exhausted a lot of their discographies."
I laugh, "Well a lot of those bands were quite turbulent or they changes drastically."
"Yes, this one was no exception, two of their members leaving only a few years apart and their sound changing. Tell me, which era do you prefer?"
I shrug, "I like both, sometimes I found the earlier stuff a bit too wordy but sometimes the later stuff could be a bit too poppy or droning. There is a lot to like from both sides though."
"I see, I admit I find myself preferring the older material but later tracks such as Domino, Home by the Sea and Fading Lights are wonderful."
"They are." I reply and then I'm hit by a strange idea.
"Say… Kaworu there is… a band playing nearby tonight… a tribute act funnily enough and they cover only the earlier material. I have two tickets for it and I was going to go with a friend but she unfortunately had to leave to go home earlier today."
He looks at me, "Oh… That is unfortunate."
I can't help but think that for Kaworu it's actually quite fortunate considering just what it is Rei wants to do to him. I probably shouldn't mention Rei right now, a part of me thinks I shouldn't even be doing this but something inside me feels bad for the guy. He's been here six months and it's obvious he hasn't experienced… anything. Going to a concert will be good for him and he'll have me to protect him from anything.
"So would you like the spare ticket?"
"I-I do not know… I… there will be many people there… I…"
"You have nothing to worry about, no one knows who you are and besides you're going to be with me. I'll make sure no harm comes to you."
He smiles, "In which case… I would like that… thank you."
Progress on chapter 4 is going, main framework for the chapter is done so I'm just working on the editing for it now. This isn't actually the first scene in the chapter but I thought it'd be a good one for a preview.
Kaworu Nagisa
Berlin - Morning
My eyes slowly open and the first thing I notice in my semi awake state is the strange pain I'm feeling in my neck. This is closely followed by a dull pain in my head and the realization that this thing my head is against is a solid object rather than my comfortable pillows. The thing wrapped halfway around my body is not my large duvet but is instead a thinner sheet that would be providing me with warmth were it not for it being on the floor now.
I force my eyes to fully open and find myself now looking up at an unfamiliar ceiling. I blink a couple of times and wonder if maybe this is some sort of strange dream I'll wake up from. I pause for a moment, that is strange, I don't remember my dreams from last night. I'm not exactly comfortable here but I also seemed to have slept well for the first time.
This pleasant feeling doesn't last long as the realization of where I am suddenly hits me. It's immediately followed by the familiar feelings of fear that I'm so used to by now. I can remember what happened now. I know exactly where I am now and why I am lying on this sofa on what was, until yesterday, a stranger's home.
Last night she... She invited me to that concert and it was such a wondrous experience. I don't think my heart has ever experienced such joy before. To witness those people playing that music, music I have come to enjoy and love so perfectly was a sight to behold and will surely be one of my most treasured memories.
We left the concert and Asuka asked if I would like to go for a drink with her. I politely declined at first but she insisted upon it. I was uncertain of it, fearful of what would happen if I drank alcohol. I am vaguely aware from the actions I have heard on evenings and the... mess that once littered the pavement near my home of the effect it can have on people.
I think she knew I was scared though and she promised to look after me. I had enjoyed her company throughout the night so decided to take her up on her offer. It would not hurt to try a new experience. The place she took me to was small and quiet. I don't know her very well yet but I felt like we had something in common, I felt like the pain and fear that I feel is something she is familiar with.
Whilst there I drank two and a half pints of beer, much to Asuka's amusement that was enough to affect me. I was giddy, very happy but incapable of walking in a straight line. Asuka laughed me me, I laughed at myself. I haven't laughed like that before, I haven't felt joy like this before.
Asuka on the other hand did not seem to be too affected by what it was she drank. I suppose she is more tolerant of it than I am but she did start to slur her words at one point. When it was time for us to leave the small pub, she declared that I was of course in no fit state to go to my apartment alone. That is why I am now here lying on the couch of Asuka Langley Soryu.
I gaze absent mindedly around the dimly lit room. This place is a far cry from my own and I now start to realize with some sadness just how alien I must seem to anyone else. I can understand now why she was looking around my own apartment so strangely. My place is... It's practically empty and devoid of any colour or life. Her place is decorated, it's messy but it is welcoming.
Ahead of me I spot a television set and an array of games consoles set up underneath it. Either side of the television are two tall bookcases filled with books, DVDs and video games. Between myself and the television is a small coffee table, there is a used plate on it, some empty cups and a half-read book.
Is this how a real human actually lives? Is this what a true lived-in home looks and feels like? Since I returned I've always been hyper aware of just how alien I must seem to others. My way of speaking is not normal by anyone's standards and my appearance is a constant reminder of what I am and was.
I know so little of human ways and customs, I only know what was ingrained into me from my 'birth.' I have this new-found freedom but I find myself at a loss at what exactly to do with it. I am constantly intrigued by things but I don't know where I should start. Asuka's home is a reminded of that, I look again and I see at least three games consoles under her television. I would not know what to do with even one of them. I wouldn't know what to buy and why to buy it, I wouldn't know about the games I should play or what I would enjoy.
All I have really is my job and my music. My music I have because it was something ingrained into me and Kodama helped me explore more contemporary artists. My job because of Fuyutsuki, even the music tuition I want to do I had to be guided into.
I slowly start to sit up and I let the sheet fully fall to the floor. I look across to a nearby chair and see the clothes I was wearing yesterday neatly folded up for me. I begin to feel my cheeks glow slightly red at my situation. It is strange but in my past life I did not feel much in the way of embarrassment when it came to my body but in my past life I never woke up in only my underwear in a stranger's home.
Also, in my past life I never had to deal with certain urges that come with being human. That is... admittedly something I am still struggling with. It is not that I do not know how nor is it not that dealing with certain urges doesn't feel good it is just something I am unused to and something I struggle to not feel embarrassed or awkward about.
I pull the sheet back up and around my waist as I continue to look around the room. Despite being so visually different to my own apartment the layout is not too dissimilar. On the far end of a wall are two doors, I can see from here one of which leads into a bathroom and the other, closed, door I presume leads to Asuka's bedroom.
Much like my apartment the living room is also combined with a kitchen at the far end. Hers seems slightly larger than mine though. I look towards the closed door and I wonder how Asuka is and if she also slept well last night.
I am still coming to terms with the fact that I am here. After our initial encounter I did not think that I would ever see her again, nor did I think it would be such a pleasant experience. I was certain that I did not deserve any of her kindness, in fact I am still certain that I don't. I cannot comprehend why she would be so nice to be especially now that she knows the truth of what I am. Yet I am grateful to her for it. When she wakes up I will have to thank her, whenever of course it is that she does wake up.
I reach across to the seat and grab my phone from the top of the pile. I smile as I turn it on and look at the time and see that it's nine thirty. I smile and lean back comfortably on the sofa. A second later my smile fades and I look at the phone again... Oh my god it's nine thirty! I should be at work now! I should have been at work half an hour ago! I should be at work but I'm not! I'm in the apartment of someone I barely know, wearing barely anything in a part of Berlin that I barely know!
I leap up off fo the couch, there is a loud band and pain as my toe hits the wooden coffee table. I suppress a yelp and lean over to pick up my trousers from the pile. How could this have happened? Did I sleep through my alarm? Why didn't it go off? Damnit, I wanted to put on fresh clothes as well!
I slide one leg into my trousers and try to put the other one in, no wait that isn't right. This isn't the right leg, damnit I'm trying to put these on the wrong way. I slide by leg back out of my trousers and take a step back to try to reassess this. There is another loud noise as once again my foot collides with the table, this time I can't suppress the yelp of pain.
Nor can I keep my balance as I try to keep hold of the trousers and step into them. I feel them slip from my hands as I stagger backwards and try desperately to angle myself to land on the floor. My backside does not thank me as I land hard against the wooden floor.
I lie there for a brief moment dazed and in pain before getting back up and snatching my trousers off of the floor in anger. I hold them out properly and I'm ready to finally put the damn things on when I hear a door open and a light comes on in the room. All I can do is stand there awkwardly as I feel redness spread to my cheeks. I slowly turn my head to see a panicked looking Asuka staring directly at me.
And now for a preview from the aftermath of the last one. Full chapter has nearly been finished, just writing up the final scene for it now. So it should be released on Saturday
Just on a somewhat soppy note I guess but thank you to everyone who has been active in the thread so far. I was quite nervous about posting this story and genuinely thought that people would hate it or just ignore it, the comments and activity means a lot to me. Thank you
Asuka Langley Soryu
Berlin - Morning
Admittedly of all the things I expected to see when I opened my bedroom door, Kaworu Nagisa stood angrily in just his underwear was at the bottom of the list, in fact I dare say it never even crossed my mind. It was strange enough having him in my apartment but to find him in this particular state even more so.
Kaworu slowly turns his head and looks directly at me, I can see his eyes are wide with fear once again but at least this time I know it isn't because he's scared of me. Instead, judging by how red his face has gone it's probably because of the state I've spotted him in.
I start to feel some redness come to my cheeks now as I realize we've been standing there looking at one another for at least thirty seconds now. I try to focus on his face as I speak, "I… heard a noise… is everything alright?"
His mouth opens and closes in a fashion similar to a goldfish and more awkward moments of silence pass between us. I'm trying so hard to keep me eyes on his face but I can't help but steal glances elsewhere. I look down at his body taking in the sight before me, he's slender but healthy and his pale skin almost glows in the light. I can see the top of his legs too, well tone, he did say that he likes to walk a lot.
My eyes dart from his face to his legs, up to his chest and stomach. I'm doing all I can to not let them wander to other parts. I shouldn't be looking, I really shouldn't, he's embarrassed enough but… I can't… my eyes look directly at the one covered part of him. His boxers are tight and I can see his rounded backside so well. I feel myself bite onto my bottom lip, it's… for lack of a better word, perfect.
I really have to stop looking. I shouldn't be looking at his body like this. He's a guest in my home, he's a guest and practically a stranger. I… I have to stop, come on Asuka… if you want to look at… things you have websites for that.
My eyes look at his ass once again. I hate myself for this but I guess one quick peek isn't bad, I mean… I am intrigued as to whether or not our former Angel is equipped and his boxers are tight. I allow my eyes to drift for just a second, I bite down harder on my lip.
"I… I tripped…" He finally speaks.
My eyes go back up to his face and I release the painful grip my teeth have on my bottom lip. Instead I suppress a smirk as I realize what must have happened. The noise I heard was Kaworu falling. I can't help but wonder how.
"I was in a hurry, I… I fell when…"
I nearly snort with laughter, now I can see the scene. Kaworu in a hurry to put on his trousers must have slipped and fallen. What a sight that must have been. All I can do is nod as I watch him put his trousers on, shame. He then hurriedly picks up his shirt and slips that on. I can't help but wonder why he is in such a rush, does he have to be somewhere? Is it to get away from me?
I wonder if maybe last night was too much for him, he's not used to being around people and at a concert there are so many people then I took him to that bar afterwards. Was that too much for him? Or has he realized he should be afraid of me and wants to get away. I step forward, "Whats wrong? How come you're leaving so quickly?"
"M-My alarm… it didn't… I have to go to work… I… I'm late and…"
"Um Kaworu…" I step further into the room and shake my head, I guess he is a little bit confused.
He doesn't reply as he finishes buttoning up his shirt. He looked around for what I presume is his tie or a jacket. He didn't have either object last night. He looks horrified, "Oh no… I-I haven't got them!"
"Kaworu…"I repeat myself as I walk further into the room. I lean my elbows casually on the back of the sofa and he once again ignores me as he picks up his wallet and phone and stuffs the items into his pockets.
"Kaworu!" I repeat a third time but this time raise my voice slightly, he stops dead in his tracks and turns to look at me.
"A-Asuka I… I have to go, I… work…"
"It's Saturday…" I say to him and I watch as the panic fades from his face only to be replaced once more by a look of embarrassment.
"S-S-Saturday… Are you sure?"
I nod my head, "Well considering yesterday was Friday and Saturday is traditionally the day that comes after Friday I'm at least 99 percent sure."
"Oh… I didn't… I forgot… the… being here and last night I…" He shakes his head and his cheeks are once again glowing a bright shade of red, "I… I am sorry. I did not wake you did I?"
I shake my head, "Don't worry about it, I was already awake. Sit down, I'll make you some coffee."
He relaxes his shoulders and sits himself down on the sofa. I shoot him a grin as he awkwardly smiles back at me, "Thank you."
"How do you take it?" I ask.
"Some milk, and sugar."
I move into the kitchen area and start preparing some coffee for the two of us. I look over to him as he sits on my sofa looking around in an awkward fashion. Finally he speaks, "I… I must thank you once again for last night. The concert was simply wonderful and mesmerizing, humanity is… really capable of wondrous things."
"I'm just glad you enjoyed it." I reply as I finish making our coffee. I bring them over to the sofa and place them down on the coffee table. I move a few things around on the table to try to make space. I try to avoid his gaze as I do so feeling somewhat embarrassed by the state of my front room. I can only imagine what Kaworu must think of this place considering the condition his own apartment is in.
I try to keep the subject on the concert hoping that maybe he won't notice the used plate or empty cups I'm moving around, "I just figured it would be something you'd enjoy and I had the spare ticket."
"I enjoyed it very much, thank you for letting me use that spare ticket. I was not aware there were people performing the music in such a fashion."
"No problem. If I hear of anything else I'll let you know about it."
"That would be most kind of you. I… I still have a lot to learn about finding my way in this world it seems. Fuyutsuki has… helped me in some ways but I feel there is so much more that I cannot learn from him. He is… nice but he is quite a serious man. I do not feel I could ask him about things such as concerts, television or video games."
I shrug, "Probably not. I… I try to have minimal contact with him to be honest. I'd rather not…"
I trail off before finally adding, "I just have my own stuff to worry about and his help isn't something I really need nor want."
Kaworu nods and picks up his cup cradling it in his hands for a few moments, "I see. I forgot to ask but what exactly is it that you do?"
I pause for a moment and wonder what I should say to him. I can't exactly turn around and say I do nothing at all. I don't want people to think I live off of the payout the UN gave me but I also like my anonymity. Very few people know the truth of what it is I do. I look back up at Kaworu, I can't imagine he'd tell anyone. It's not like he knows anyone aside from Fuyutsuki and I can already guarantee Fuyutsuki knows because of his network of security following me.
I get to my feet and go to one of the bookcases and pull one of the promotional copies of the first book from the shelf. I hand it to Kaworu, "I write."
"You write? That is wonderful! I had no idea!" His eyes grow wide with wonder as he takes the book from me. He studies the cover for a few moments because looking back up at me in confusion, "Mari… Makinami? But that… is not your name…"
"It's a pseudonym…" I reply flatly, "I don't use my real name."
"Oh!" he looks at the book again before nodding, "I… I see… I understand."
I wonder for a brief moment if he really does understand but then he looks up at me and gives me a knowing smile and another nod. Of course he understands, he understands why I write under a pseudonym and why I don't want me name to be known. I don't need to tell Kaworu any of that because he'd be the same. We don't want people to recognize us because of the people we were or think we were.
He turns the book over in his hand and starts to read the back of it. I now have to wonder if he'll make the connection, I can still remember quite clearly the look on her face when she did. I tried to hide those feelings of pride I felt when I saw it happen but I couldn't help it. I made Rei Ayanami cry tears of happiness, that was such an achievement and to make her happy like that is the least I could do to make up for what I put her and her brother through.
"Zero… A young girl brought up in isolation and unsure of her humanity. She is sent out to fight a great evil that threatens her race… Is this…"
I take the book from him and nod, "Yeah… It is… It's Rei."
"D-Do you… have contact with her?" he averts his eyes as I silently nod my head.
"Yes I do, she was the one who told me who you were actually. She saw your name on that form and filled me in on the details."
Kaworu leaps to his feet, "Rei is here?"
I hold out my hand to calm him, "Relax, she went back to Japan yesterday."
"Oh…"
He sits back down and relaxes somewhat. I wonder if I should tell him that it was Rei's ticket he used yesterday to go to the concert. I should probably tell him he has nothing to be afraid of when it comes to Rei but then I remember how she reacted to news that he was alive and wonder if that is true. Maybe he should be afraid of her.
"Rei is… actually one of the few friends I have… Probably the only friend actually. She is one of the few who knows who I am… where I am…" I let out a laugh, "Not that I made it easy for her of course."
I can still remember the moment Rei turned up on my doorstep as if it was yesterday. At that point in time I had only just started writing and I had settled on using Rei as a template for the main character. Why did I pick her at a template? Guilt I suppose, I felt a lot of guilt for everything I did back then and I still do feel it but Rei... she got the brunt of it. She was the verbal punching bag, I called her names and called her out in front of others.
I had no idea of course what she was and what she had been through. The worst thing is with how I was back then I don't think I'd have cared. I wanted to somehow make it up to her. Naturally I couldn't just pick up the phone and apologize, I had to make a grand gesture even if she didn't know about it. So I used her as a basis for the main character in my story.
At the time I started this I had been living on my own for a year and a half. They had initially tried to put me back together with my father and his wife. For a moment I was tempted to go back. To try to have a normal family life and pretend nothing had happened but some of that old stubbornness and need for independence was still within me. I insisted that I be placed on my own and that I'd be more than capable of looking after myself.
Besides I don't fit in with that group anymore, I never have done. I rebelled against the two of them from the moment my mother died through to leaving for Japan. I never gave them a chance to help me or be my family. I blamed my dad for my mother's death and whilst I got on with my stepmother I never really wanted her around. They have their own life, their own children now and whilst I do see them occasionally I try to keep my distance.
At that time my father and Fuyutsuki were still trying to maintain regular contact. When I heard the knock on my door I did think it'd be either of them. You can imagine both my surprise and horror when I saw that it was in fact Rei Ayanami. It turns out that she had been talking to Fuyutsuki about wanting to find me for some time. He had not told her where I was but she was smart. She knew that I'd have gone back to Germany and travelled there on her own.
From there she had found my parents and they had told her where I was. I wasn't angry at them, I understood why they did that. This person had just travelled thousands of miles to see me, they couldn't exactly turn them away.
My first thought was that Rei was here to yell at me or give me what it was I deserved for being such a horrible person to her and everyone else. Instead she looked at me across the doorstep for a few moments before saying my name and throwing herself at me. She bawled about how much it was she missed me. It was the first of many hugs I would receive from Rei.
She told me about how she had travelled all this way on her own under the guise of taking a holiday. She wanted as few people to know she was looking for me as possible. That suited me just fine, I wanted as few people to know where I was as possible. I made her promise to me that she wouldn't tell anyone she had been in contact with me. I told her why I left Japan and why I had to stay away, I don't know if she approved of my reasons or fully understood them but she has respected them and that is good enough for me. Both myself and Rei have been good friends ever since.
Me and Kaworu sit drinking our coffee and another hour passes as we sit and talk about the concert last night and Kaworu tells me some of his experience in the emergence facility. Not long after that he excuses himself to go back home. We exchange phone numbers and e-mail addresses and make that promise to stay in contact with each other. I give him a copy of my book, signed of course, and he asks eagerly when the second one will be released.
As I watch him leave I take my phone out of the pocket and see I've received a message from Rei. It's an apology that she didn't get in touch sooner but she is now back in Japan and is alright. She tells me that she ended up going out with Misato and her brother for dinner and she was too tired to do anything when she returned. She warns me to be careful and reminds me once again about how dangerous Kaworu is.
I read that last sentence over again and feel a pang in my stomach. Kaworu slips out of view and I stand in my doorway for a few moments thinking over the strange situation. That person that Rei thinks Kaworu is... is not the person I met last night and went out to a concert with. Kaworu is just like me... He's just like all of us, he's afraid and trying to figure things out. I understand Rei's concerns and worries and I wonder just how I'm going to explain to her that I didn't just not follow her advice but I spent the night at a concert with him and let him crash on my sofa.
I step through into the arrivals lounge, my backpack feels heavy on my shoulders and I'm wheeling my pale blue case behind me as I look around for Misato. A group of people move past me, rushing towards their loved ones or just taxi drivers waiting to pick them up as I try to spot her purple hair through the semi busy terminal. I move forward and before long I can hear her excitedly yelling my name.
"Rei!"
I glance upwards and smile as I finally catch sight of my adoptive mother. She quickly moved towards me and nearly knocks me off my feet as she pulls me into a tight embrace, "How was your flight?"
"It was pleasant, although I do not think you should have gone to all the effort to arranging all of that for me. I would have been happy to have done it myself."
She breaks the hug and shakes her head, "It wouldn't have been fair to expect you to do it yourself considering I was the one who asked you to come back so suddenly. Besides it wasn't me who arranged your upgrades."
I raise an eyebrow out of curiosity, "Who was it?"
"Fuyutsuki, after I informed him of what had happened and said you were on your way back he pulled some strings."
"I see, in which case I shall have to think him if I encounter him." I frown in my reply, my business class experience somewhat soured by the knowledge of who arranged it. If I had known it was he who arranged that I would have asked to remain in economy class.
I am not by any means ungrateful for the experience. I am thankful, I found the seating to be far more comfortable than economy and the ability to turn them into an actual bed meant I was able to sleep on the flight. In addition the vegetarian options offered to me on the menu were many.
Still, it also means Fuyutsuki did me a favour and he is someone I do not wish to speak to. It is something I share with Asuka, we both desire distance from that person but for differing reasons. She because she wishes to cut off all contact with that part of her life, me because of what that man reminds me of and what I used to be.
I am of a similar opinion when it comes to Ritsuko Akagi too, something which I know upsets Misato and even Shinji. I know the two of them wish to move on and I will make the effort when necessary. I do not dislike Fuyutsuki or Akagi, I just wish to maintain distance from them.
We finally reach Misato's car and she takes my case and backpack from me and places it in the boot. She eyes my backpack curiously and I can already guess at what she is thinking. I simply shake my head at her, "Yes I did buy you both souvenirs and you can find out what they are later."
She nods and grins at me, "Well that's something to look forward to!"
I climb into the car and put my seatbelt on, she climbs into her side and a few moments later we're leaving the carpark and moving back towards the city and to our apartment. The first part of our journey is silent and so I take the opportunity to speak to Misato about what has happened.
"I presume it was you who contacted Fuyutsuki to ask about Nagisa?"
Misato nods her head, "Yeah, he already knew about Nagisa."
"How?" I lean my elbow on the edge of the window and prop my head up on my hand looking outside at the buildings we pass. So Fuyutsuki already knew about Nagisa but failed to inform any of us.
"Seems Nagisa returned at the start of the year. They picked him up at the emergence facility and treated him initially for emergence sickness. Apparently he was… in quite a state when he recovered his memories."
I scowl at hearing Misato's words and I can't tell if she is feeling some sort of sympathy for what Kaworu has went through. I'm not sure I feel sympathetic at all, in the back of my mind all I can hear is a voice saying 'good.' I keep that voice away though, I don't like
"It seems…" Misato pauses, "That Nagisa is no longer an Angel. They ran tests whilst he was there and he is completely human now."
"I see…" My frown deepens and I wonder if this fact should make me feel any better about the fact that he is out there walking around freely. Regardless of whether he is human now or not it was what he was and what he did that concerns me. He was an Angel, he tried to destroy this world and he broke my brother's heart. He manipulated him when he was at his lowest point and tore his world apart.
The fact that he is just walking around freely angers me. He should not be allowed to do so, I know we have all done bad things in the past, we all made mistakes but what he did was no mistake.
"Why did they let him go? He was an Angel, he tried…"
"I asked Fuyutsuki this. It seems that he was let go because Fuyutsuki offered him a job. Fuyutsuki saw him as a victim of what had happened and offered to help him."
"Kaworu Nagisa is no victim, he is a monster." I state flatly and look at Misato. She too is frowning and I imagine she has very similar thoughts to me.
"Fuyutsuki didn't seem to think so and… urged us to let the thing with Nagisa slide." Misato shakes her head as she speaks, "He didn't go into detail but he told me that Nagisa is as much a victim as you, Shinji or Asuka."
"I doubt that."
"As do I but he said he can provide proof for us should we need it. He also assured me that there will be absolutely no risk to anyone and no one will see or hear from Nagisa should we desire it."
I start to open my mouth to say something about the risk to Asuka but I quickly stop myself. I cannot break my promise to her but I also don't want her to be at risk. She is in the same city as Nagisa, she has already encountered him once and it can happen again. Her wish to have no contact with others and for no one else to know her whereabouts can be so frustrating at times but I will continue to respect that wish.
My only hope is that she is okay, I will make sure to contact her later today to let her know I have arrived back in Japan. I do wish that I could have stayed with her for another night or two. It has been so long since I have seen her, I wished to play games or see a move with her but she insisted I returned to Japan when Misato asked me to. I believe she will be alright though, the chances of her encountering Nagisa again are slim.
Asuka is smart and strong, I'm sure she will be alright. So now my attention turns towards my brother Shinji. I wonder how he would react to such news, I look back at Misato, "Have you informed Shinji?"
Misato shakes her head, "No… Not yet. I don't know if I should tell him or if I'm able to. I don't know how he would react to something like this, you know how he feels about Nagisa…"
"Yes I do."
Figuring out exactly how my brother will react is tough. He will of course be shocked by the news at first, I am not entirely sure if he is aware that Nagisa was very much like myself with the potential for spare bodies. I wonder if the news that Nagisa is alive might alleviate some of the guilt he still feels over the Angels' death. At the same time I wonder if that might not just give him something else to fear in this world.
"I think we should be honest with him thought." Misato says to me, "I think Shinji deserves honesty, if we hide the truth then… it might only make things worse should he eventually find out anyway."
I nod, "I agree. It would be best to be honest, he should know."
I go back to staring out the window knowing the hypocrisy of my own words. Knowing that Asuka is well and safe and happy, I wonder what effect that would have on Shinji. I can still remember how miserable he was on the day she left, we were all unhappy with it. She left without any warning only leaving a simple message behind that she had returned to Germany and thanking Misato for taking care of her.
I did not understand why she had left then and I still don't understand. It was one of the first things I asked when I tracked her down and found her and her only answer was that she had to. I disagree with her, I do not think she had to but it was and is her decision. All I can do is respect that and her wishes. Still I do dislike keeping this secret from Shinji and Misato, yet it is the price of mine and Asuka's friendship, a friendship that I value so very much.
Being human is exhausting I think to myself as I feel my eyes start to grow heavier. The days of travelling and the revelations are starting to get to me despite me sleeping on the flight. I am looking forward to returning home where I can take a shower, where I can relax in my pyjamas and I can see my brother. Where I can sample his delicious cooking and I can feel safe and unafraid.
Kaworu Nagisa
Berlin - Morning
My eyes slowly open and the first thing I notice in my semi awake state is the strange pain I'm feeling in my neck. This is closely followed by a dull pain in my head and the realization that this thing my head is against is a solid object rather than my comfortable pillows. The thing wrapped halfway around my body is not my large duvet but is instead a thinner sheet that would be providing me with warmth were it not for it being on the floor now.
I force my eyes to fully open and find myself now looking up at an unfamiliar ceiling. I blink a couple of times and wonder if maybe this is some sort of strange dream I'll wake up from. I pause for a moment, that is strange, I don't remember my dreams from last night. I'm not exactly comfortable here but I also seemed to have slept well for the first time.
This pleasant feeling doesn't last long as the realization of where I am suddenly hits me. It's immediately followed by the familiar feelings of fear that I'm so used to by now. I can remember what happened now. I know exactly where I am now and why I am lying on this sofa on what was, until yesterday, a stranger's home.
Last night she... She invited me to that concert and it was such a wondrous experience. I don't think my heart has ever experienced such joy before. To witness those people playing that music, music I have come to enjoy and love so perfectly was a sight to behold and will surely be one of my most treasured memories.
We left the concert and Asuka asked if I would like to go for a drink with her. I politely declined at first but she insisted upon it. I was uncertain of it, fearful of what would happen if I drank alcohol. I am vaguely aware from the actions I have heard on evenings and the... mess that once littered the pavement near my home of the effect it can have on people.
I think she knew I was scared though and she promised to look after me. I had enjoyed her company throughout the night so decided to take her up on her offer. It would not hurt to try a new experience. The place she took me to was small and quiet. I don't know her very well yet but I felt like we had something in common, I felt like the pain and fear that I feel is something she is familiar with.
Whilst there I drank two and a half pints of beer, much to Asuka's amusement that was enough to affect me. I was giddy, very happy but incapable of walking in a straight line. Asuka laughed me me, I laughed at myself. I haven't laughed like that before, I haven't felt joy like this before.
Asuka on the other hand did not seem to be too affected by what it was she drank. I suppose she is more tolerant of it than I am but she did start to slur her words at one point. When it was time for us to leave the small pub, she declared that I was of course in no fit state to go to my apartment alone. That is why I am now here lying on the couch of Asuka Langley Soryu.
I gaze absent mindedly around the dimly lit room. This place is a far cry from my own and I now start to realize with some sadness just how alien I must seem to anyone else. I can understand now why she was looking around my own apartment so strangely. My place is... It's practically empty and devoid of any colour or life. Her place is decorated, it's messy but it is welcoming.
Ahead of me I spot a television set and an array of games consoles set up underneath it. Either side of the television are two tall bookcases filled with books, DVDs and video games. Between myself and the television is a small coffee table, there is a used plate on it, some empty cups and a half-read book.
Is this how a real human actually lives? Is this what a true lived-in home looks and feels like? Since I returned I've always been hyper aware of just how alien I must seem to others. My way of speaking is not normal by anyone's standards and my appearance is a constant reminder of what I am and was.
I know so little of human ways and customs, I only know what was ingrained into me from my 'birth.' I have this new-found freedom but I find myself at a loss at what exactly to do with it. I am constantly intrigued by things but I don't know where I should start. Asuka's home is a reminded of that, I look again and I see at least three games consoles under her television. I would not know what to do with even one of them. I wouldn't know what to buy and why to buy it, I wouldn't know about the games I should play or what I would enjoy.
All I have really is my job and my music. My music I have because it was something ingrained into me and Kodama helped me explore more contemporary artists. My job because of Fuyutsuki, even the music tuition I want to do I had to be guided into.
I slowly start to sit up and I let the sheet fully fall to the floor. I look across to a nearby chair and see the clothes I was wearing yesterday neatly folded up for me. I begin to feel my cheeks glow slightly red at my situation. It is strange but in my past life I did not feel much in the way of embarrassment when it came to my body but in my past life I never woke up in only my underwear in a stranger's home.
Also, in my past life I never had to deal with certain urges that come with being human. That is... admittedly something I am still struggling with. It is not that I do not know how nor is it not that dealing with certain urges doesn't feel good it is just something I am unused to and something I struggle to not feel embarrassed or awkward about.
I pull the sheet back up and around my waist as I continue to look around the room. Despite being so visually different to my own apartment the layout is not too dissimilar. On the far end of a wall are two doors, I can see from here one of which leads into a bathroom and the other, closed, door I presume leads to Asuka's bedroom.
Much like my apartment the living room is also combined with a kitchen at the far end. Hers seems slightly larger than mine though. I look towards the closed door and I wonder how Asuka is and if she also slept well last night.
I am still coming to terms with the fact that I am here. After our initial encounter I did not think that I would ever see her again, nor did I think it would be such a pleasant experience. I was certain that I did not deserve any of her kindness, in fact I am still certain that I don't. I cannot comprehend why she would be so nice to be especially now that she knows the truth of what I am. Yet I am grateful to her for it. When she wakes up I will have to thank her, whenever of course it is that she does wake up.
I reach across to the seat and grab my phone from the top of the pile. I smile as I turn it on and look at the time and see that it's nine thirty. I smile and lean back comfortably on the sofa. A second later my smile fades and I look at the phone again... Oh my god it's nine thirty! I should be at work now! I should have been at work half an hour ago! I should be at work but I'm not! I'm in the apartment of someone I barely know, wearing barely anything in a part of Berlin that I barely know!
I leap up off fo the couch, there is a loud band and pain as my toe hits the wooden coffee table. I suppress a yelp and lean over to pick up my trousers from the pile. How could this have happened? Did I sleep through my alarm? Why didn't it go off? Damnit, I wanted to put on fresh clothes as well!
I slide one leg into my trousers and try to put the other one in, no wait that isn't right. This isn't the right leg, damnit I'm trying to put these on the wrong way. I slide by leg back out of my trousers and take a step back to try to reassess this. There is another loud noise as once again my foot collides with the table, this time I can't suppress the yelp of pain.
Nor can I keep my balance as I try to keep hold of the trousers and step into them. I feel them slip from my hands as I stagger backwards and try desperately to angle myself to land on the floor. My backside does not thank me as I land hard against the wooden floor.
I lie there for a brief moment dazed and in pain before getting back up and snatching my trousers off of the floor in anger. I hold them out properly and I'm ready to finally put the damn things on when I hear a door open and a light comes on in the room. All I can do is stand there awkwardly as I feel redness spread to my cheeks. I slowly turn my head to see a panicked looking Asuka staring directly at me.
"Kaworu! Is everything alright I heard a-"
Asuka Langley Soryu
Berlin - Morning
Admittedly of all the things I expected to see when I opened my bedroom door, Kaworu Nagisa stood angrily in just his underwear was at the bottom of the list, in fact I dare say it never even crossed my mind. It was strange enough having him in my apartment but to find him in this particular state even more so.
Kaworu slowly turns his head and looks directly at me, I can see his eyes are wide with fear once again but at least this time I know it isn't because he's scared of me. Instead, judging by how red his face has gone it's probably because of the state I've spotted him in.
I start to feel some redness come to my cheeks now as I realize we've been standing there looking at one another for at least thirty seconds now. I try to focus on his face as I speak, "I… heard a noise… is everything alright?"
His mouth opens and closes in a fashion similar to a goldfish and more awkward moments of silence pass between us. I'm trying so hard to keep me eyes on his face but I can't help but steal glances elsewhere. I look down at his body taking in the sight before me, he's slender but healthy and his pale skin almost glows in the light. I can see the top of his legs too, well toned, he did say that he likes to walk a lot.
My eyes dart from his face to his legs, up to his chest and stomach. I'm doing all I can to not let them wander to other parts. I shouldn't be looking, I really shouldn't, and he's embarrassed enough but… I can't… my eyes look directly at the one covered part of him. His boxers are tight and I can see his rounded backside so well. I feel myself bite onto my bottom lip, it's… for lack of a better word, perfect.
I really have to stop looking. I shouldn't be looking at his body like this. He's a guest in my home, he's a guest and practically a stranger. I… I have to stop, come on Asuka… if you want to look at… things you have websites for that.
My eyes look at his ass once again. I hate myself for this but I guess one quick peek isn't bad, I mean… I am intrigued as to whether or not our former Angel is equipped and his boxers are tight. I allow my eyes to drift for just a second, I bite down harder on my lip.
"I… I tripped…" He finally speaks.
My eyes go back up to his face and I release the painful grip my teeth have on my bottom lip. Instead I suppress a smirk as I realize what must have happened. The noise I heard was Kaworu falling. I can't help but wonder how.
"I was in a hurry, I… I fell when…"
I nearly snort with laughter, now I can see the scene. Kaworu in a hurry to put on his trousers must have slipped and fallen. What a sight that must have been. All I can do is nod as I watch him put his trousers on, shame. He then hurriedly picks up his shirt and slips that on. I can't help but wonder why he is in such a rush, does he have to be somewhere? Is it to get away from me?
I wonder if maybe last night was too much for him, he's not used to being around people and at a concert there are so many people then I took him to that bar afterwards. Was that too much for him? Or has he realized he should be afraid of me and wants to get away. I step forward, "Whats wrong? How come you're leaving so quickly?"
"M-My alarm… it didn't… I have to go to work… I… I'm late and…"
"Um Kaworu…" I step further into the room and shake my head, I guess he is a little bit confused.
He doesn't reply as he finishes buttoning up his shirt. He looked around for what I presume is his tie or a jacket. He didn't have either object last night. He looks horrified, "Oh no… I-I haven't got them!"
"Kaworu…"I repeat myself as I walk further into the room. I lean my elbows casually on the back of the sofa and he once again ignores me as he picks up his wallet and phone and stuffs the items into his pockets.
"Kaworu!" I repeat a third time but this time raise my voice slightly, he stops dead in his tracks and turns to look at me.
"A-Asuka I… I have to go, I… work…"
"It's Saturday…" I say to him and I watch as the panic fades from his face only to be replaced once more by a look of embarrassment.
"S-S-Saturday… Are you sure?"
I nod my head, "Well considering yesterday was Friday and Saturday is traditionally the day that comes after Friday I'm at least 99 percent sure."
"Oh… I didn't… I forgot… the… being here and last night I…" He shakes his head and his cheeks are once again glowing a bright shade of red, "I… I am sorry. I did not wake you did I?"
I shake my head, "Don't worry about it, I was already awake. Sit down, I'll make you some coffee."
He relaxes his shoulders and sits himself down on the sofa. I shoot him a grin as he awkwardly smiles back at me, "Thank you."
"How do you take it?" I ask.
"Some milk, and sugar."
I move into the kitchen area and start preparing some coffee for the two of us. I look over to him as he sits on my sofa looking around in an awkward fashion. Finally he speaks, "I… I must thank you once again for last night. The concert was simply wonderful and mesmerizing, humanity is… really capable of wondrous things."
"I'm just glad you enjoyed it." I reply as I finish making our coffee. I bring them over to the sofa and place them down on the coffee table. I move a few things around on the table to try to make space. I try to avoid his gaze as I do so feeling somewhat embarrassed by the state of my front room. I can only imagine what Kaworu must think of this place considering the condition his own apartment is in.
I try to keep the subject on the concert hoping that maybe he won't notice the used plate or empty cups I'm moving around, "I just figured it would be something you'd enjoy and I had the spare ticket."
"I enjoyed it very much, thank you for letting me use that spare ticket. I was not aware there were people performing the music in such a fashion."
"No problem. If I hear of anything else I'll let you know about it."
"That would be most kind of you. I… I still have a lot to learn about finding my way in this world it seems. Fuyutsuki has… helped me in some ways but I feel there is so much more that I cannot learn from him. He is… nice but he is quite a serious man. I do not feel I could ask him about things such as concerts, television or video games."
I shrug, "Probably not. I… I try to have minimal contact with him to be honest. I'd rather not…"
I trail off before finally adding, "I just have my own stuff to worry about and his help isn't something I really need nor want."
Kaworu nods and picks up his cup cradling it in his hands for a few moments, "I see. I forgot to ask but what exactly is it that you do?"
I pause for a moment and wonder what I should say to him. I can't exactly turn around and say I do nothing at all. I don't want people to think I live off of the payout the UN gave me but I also like my anonymity. Very few people know the truth of what it is I do. I look back up at Kaworu, I can't imagine he'd tell anyone. It's not like he knows anyone aside from Fuyutsuki and I can already guarantee Fuyutsuki knows because of his network of security following me.
I get to my feet and go to one of the bookcases and pull one of the promotional copies of the first book from the shelf. I hand it to Kaworu, "I write."
"You write? That is wonderful! I had no idea!" His eyes grow wide with wonder as he takes the book from me. He studies the cover for a few moments because looking back up at me in confusion, "Mari… Makinami? But that… is not your name…"
"It's a pseudonym…" I reply flatly, "I don't use my real name."
"Oh!" he looks at the book again before nodding, "I… I see… I understand."
I wonder for a brief moment if he really does understand but then he looks up at me and gives me a knowing smile and another nod. Of course he understands, he understands why I write under a pseudonym and why I don't want me name to be known. I don't need to tell Kaworu any of that because he'd be the same. We don't want people to recognize us because of the people we were or think we were.
He turns the book over in his hand and starts to read the back of it. I now have to wonder if he'll make the connection, I can still remember quite clearly the look on her face when she did. I tried to hide those feelings of pride I felt when I saw it happen but I couldn't help it. I made Rei Ayanami cry tears of happiness, that was such an achievement and to make her happy like that is the least I could do to make up for what I put her and her brother through.
"Zero… A young girl brought up in isolation and unsure of her humanity. She is sent out to fight a great evil that threatens her race… Is this…"
I take the book from him and nod, "Yeah… It is… It's Rei."
"D-Do you… have contact with her?" he averts his eyes as I silently nod my head.
"Yes I do, she was the one who told me who you were actually. She saw your name on that form and filled me in on the details."
Kaworu leaps to his feet, "Rei is here?"
I hold out my hand to calm him, "Relax, she went back to Japan yesterday."
"Oh…"
He sits back down and relaxes somewhat. I wonder if I should tell him that it was Rei's ticket he used yesterday to go to the concert. I should probably tell him he has nothing to be afraid of when it comes to Rei but then I remember how she reacted to news that he was alive and wonder if that is true. Maybe he should be afraid of her.
"Rei is… actually one of the few friends I have… Probably the only friend actually. She is one of the few who knows who I am… where I am…" I let out a laugh, "Not that I made it easy for her of course."
I can still remember the moment Rei turned up on my doorstep as if it was yesterday. At that point in time I had only just started writing and I had settled on using Rei as a template for the main character. Why did I pick her at a template? Guilt I suppose, I felt a lot of guilt for everything I did back then and I still do feel it but Rei... she got the brunt of it. She was the verbal punching bag, I called her names and called her out in front of others.
I had no idea of course what she was and what she had been through. The worst thing is with how I was back then I don't think I'd have cared. I wanted to somehow make it up to her. Naturally I couldn't just pick up the phone and apologize, I had to make a grand gesture even if she didn't know about it. So I used her as a basis for the main character in my story.
At the time I started this I had been living on my own for a year and a half. They had initially tried to put me back together with my father and his wife. For a moment I was tempted to go back. To try to have a normal family life and pretend nothing had happened but some of that old stubbornness and need for independence was still within me. I insisted that I be placed on my own and that I'd be more than capable of looking after myself.
Besides I don't fit in with that group anymore, I never have done. I rebelled against the two of them from the moment my mother died through to leaving for Japan. I never gave them a chance to help me or be my family. I blamed my dad for my mother's death and whilst I got on with my stepmother I never really wanted her around. They have their own life, their own children now and whilst I do see them occasionally I try to keep my distance.
At that time my father and Fuyutsuki were still trying to maintain regular contact. When I heard the knock on my door I did think it'd be either of them. You can imagine both my surprise and horror when I saw that it was in fact Rei Ayanami. It turns out that she had been talking to Fuyutsuki about wanting to find me for some time. He had not told her where I was but she was smart. She knew that I'd have gone back to Germany and travelled there on her own.
From there she had found my parents and they had told her where I was. I wasn't angry at them, I understood why they did that. This person had just travelled thousands of miles to see me, they couldn't exactly turn them away.
My first thought was that Rei was here to yell at me or give me what it was I deserved for being such a horrible person to her and everyone else. Instead she looked at me across the doorstep for a few moments before saying my name and throwing herself at me. She bawled about how much it was she missed me. It was the first of many hugs I would receive from Rei.
She told me about how she had travelled all this way on her own under the guise of taking a holiday. She wanted as few people to know she was looking for me as possible. That suited me just fine, I wanted as few people to know where I was as possible. I made her promise to me that she wouldn't tell anyone she had been in contact with me. I told her why I left Japan and why I had to stay away, I don't know if she approved of my reasons or fully understood them but she has respected them and that is good enough for me. Both myself and Rei have been good friends ever since.
Me and Kaworu sit drinking our coffee and another hour passes as we sit and talk about the concert last night and Kaworu tells me some of his experience in the emergence facility. Not long after that he excuses himself to go back home. We exchange phone numbers and e-mail addresses and make that promise to stay in contact with each other. I give him a copy of my book, signed of course, and he asks eagerly when the second one will be released.
As I watch him leave I take my phone out of the pocket and see I've received a message from Rei. It's an apology that she didn't get in touch sooner but she is now back in Japan and is alright. She tells me that she ended up going out with Misato and her brother for dinner and she was too tired to do anything when she returned. She warns me to be careful and reminds me once again about how dangerous Kaworu is.
I read that last sentence over again and feel a pang in my stomach. Kaworu slips out of view and I stand in my doorway for a few moments thinking over the strange situation. That person that Rei thinks Kaworu is... is not the person I met last night and went out to a concert with. Kaworu is just like me... He's just like all of us, he's afraid and trying to figure things out. I understand Rei's concerns and worries and I wonder just how I'm going to explain to her that I didn't just not follow her advice but I spent the night at a concert with him and let him crash on my sofa.
Shinji Ikari
Tokyo 2 – Afternoon
I feel exhausted as I navigate the shopping bags set down around me in an attempt to place my tray on the table. I slide the chair out and sit down, grateful for the opportunity to take the weight off of my feet. Around me others are doing the same, Touji and Hikari taking up a position opposite me, Kensuke takes the seat to my left and Rei the one to my right.
Myself, Hikari and Kensuke all seem to have gotten the same thing. Rei has opted for a salad, one of the few vegetarian options in this fast food place. Touji, as expected has gone for one of the 'deluxe' burger options and as I glance as his tray I wonder how a human is even supposed to fit that in their mouth. Yet I know that somehow Touji will manage it.
Rei, sensing my exhaustion turns to me and smiles warmly, "Are you feeling okay Shinji?"
I give her a nod and smile back, "I'm alright Rei, just tired. We've covered a lot of ground today."
I look at the amount of shopping bags we all have between us and that seems to be a bit of an understatement. It's been a long time since we've all been out together like this. It means we all had a bit of extra money to spend too.
"Good, I would not wish for you to be uncomfortable."
My smile grows wider, "I know Rei, don't worry about me though. I'm... I'm fine when I'm with all of you."
There is a brief moment of silence as people get comfortable and begin to eat their food. Touji greedily picks up his burger. It's huge and I dread to think what is inside it. He takes a bit from it and makes a satisfied noise after doing so. Hikari shoots him a disapproving look as she politely bites into her food.
Contrary to Rei's concernts I have had a good day. I always do when I'm with them all. It's one of the few times I never feel afraid. I never have to worry about anything when I'm around them. I can just be myself and enjoy it all. They're all my friends and being with them somehow manages to alleviate all my fears and concerns.
Yet as I look at the empty sixth seat at our table I am hit with something of a bittersweet feeling. I feel like I shouldn't be bothered by it now, it's been years but she was a part of this group and in a way, she still is. I feel like she should be here shopping and laughing with us. Calling us idiots and marching us from place to place.
I shake my head and try to focus on my food. I do still wonder about her from time to time. It was upsetting when she left and I naturally blamed myself, I still do blame myself. I miss her a lot but at the same time I think I understood why she left. I know she wasn't happy here in Japan and I just hope wherever she is now that she is happy. She deserves that.
"How was America Rei?" I hear Hikari ask.
"America was good, I was unfortunately unable to view everything I wished to whilst I was there so I will have to visit again in the future." Rei tells her, "I was however quite fortunate to be able to witness a live dinosaur bone excavation."
"A dinosaur excavation! That must have been amazing!" Kensuke exclaims loudly, "What sort was it? Was it a T-Rex? Was it something huge with big teeth?"
"It was a Triceratops." Rei replies cooly.
"You know…" Touji speaks with his mouth half full of his food, an action that earns him a stern glare from Hikari, "I find it hard to believe that creatures like that roamed around once. I mean can you imagine something that big just walking around?"
One by one each of us raise our head and stare at Touji in mild disbelief. He sees us all staring and shrugs, "What?"
Hikari shakes her head, "You can be so dense sometimes Touji!"
"What… What did I say?" Touji asks.
"The Angels Touji…"
"Oh!" He finally realizes, "Yeah but they were different like… the dinosaurs were really big right?"
"The dinosaurs weren't bigger than the Angels of the Eva's Touji!" Kensuke informs him, "The Eva's must have been like a hundred metres tall! No Dinosaur was that big…"
Kensuke trails off when he sees the glare that Hikari is now shooting him. He turns around to me and Rei and shrugs, "Sorry guys… I guess… not really a suitable subject is it?"
"I don't mind but… Rei?"
I look towards me sister, "Aida is quite correct, the Eva's were much taller than any known dinosaur. The Angels however did vary in size, some of the dinosaurs may in fact have been larger than them in fact I can think of at least two."
"Well what about Godzilla! That was a dinosaur right and that was pretty big."
Hikari groans as Kensuke gestures wildly in his reply, "Godzilla was fictional Touji! Besides Godzilla varied in size depending on the film. Film companies could never keep it consistent, sometimes it was 50 metres and in the new one it was 150 metres!"
"So it could have been the same size as an Eva!" Touji replies, "So could it have taken on an Eva? Imagine that, Godzilla vs an Evangelion!"
"An Eva would crush Godzilla Touji! I mean did you see the Eva's?"
"Guys!" Hikari tries to interject.
I laugh it off, "I don't mind, besides can't really stop them can we?"
It's such an absurd conversation I can't help but laugh at it. Besides I don't mind them talking about the Eva as much anymore, I still associate a lot of painful memories with it but I can't hide from it. On the other hand I do wonder if I should stop it, Rei looks quite angry as she glares between the two of them.
"Yeah but Godzilla has near impenetrable armour AND is has the nuclear breath! I bet it could do some damage to the Eva's."
"Suzahara, stop this!" Rei speaks quietly but firmly. I should have asked them to stop, clearly Rei is uncomfortable with what is happening. I start to hand my head but then she speaks again and my jaw nearly drops, "You are mistaken, such a creature would not pose any sort of challenge for any one of the Eva's. It lacks the A.T. Field and the array of weaponry that each of us possessed, therefore we would eventually prevail."
Asuka Langley Soryu
3rd September 2021
Asuka's Apartment – Afternoon
Two weeks have now passed since I saw Kaworu Nagisa. We've kept in contact with one another since then, a few messages here and there but we haven't seen one another in person. I guess I feel… nervous about him and our friendship. After he left on that day my thoughts were occupied by him and him alone. It gave me a warm feeling but also one I'm afraid of.
It was nice to sit alongside him at that concert, to know he was smiling because of me and for us to cheer as we watched that band play some of our favourite music. I even think about how cute he looked on that Saturday morning. It was nice to just, for a short period of time, not be plagued by the constant guilt and worry that I always feel.
It was just for that one day though, the very next day the nightmares returned and along with it all the doubt and worry. That realization returned that I was a bad person and I don't deserve to be happy. It was such a crash from the highs I felt the previous day. I even managed to feel disgusted with myself for enjoying the sight of his mostly naked body.
I, Asuka Langley Soryu, do not deserve to be happy nor do I deserve to have anyone nearby who makes or tries to make me happy. I know exactly what will happen because I know who I really am. I know what I'll do if they get close, I'll just end up hurting them. Like I've hurt so many others in my life. I was tempted to do it to Kaworu, to angrily message him and tell him to never come near me again.
I didn't do that though, I couldn't do that because I want to see him again, I need to see him again. A stronger part of me is pushing to keep up this friendship because maybe, just maybe I do deserve to be happy.
Of course adding to my guilt is the fact that I couldn't bring myself to tell Rei about my encounter with Kaworu. She should know, she is and has been my only friend over the last couple of years but I don't know what I should say to her. What can I say? I heard what she said about Kaworu, about how dangerous he is. I can't exactly turn around and tell her I went to visit him, took him to a concert and let him sleep on my couch.
The only saving grace is that I've been kept quite busy these past two weeks so not had as much time to become absorbed in my guilt. My publisher decided to send out the press releases and set a date for my second books release, without consulting me first. Fourth of December it'll come out, my Birthday. It's not really a date I enjoy being reminded of, nothing good has ever happened on my Birthday.
I push that thought aside, last year was pretty good. I got a nice e-mail from Rei and she sent me a package with a cuddly toy rabbit. I bought myself a cake, it was nice.
The publisher's decision meant I've had to do a bit of extra work on the book as I want it to be ready in plenty of time. I finished up the ending and went through the entire thing altering and correcting the sections I wasn't happy with. It didn't take me too long to do, if I've retained anything good from my past-self it's that I tend to be quite good at what I set my mind to and I make minimal mistakes. So when it comes to the release of Mari Makinami's second book, things should go smoothly.
I now find myself bored and wondering what I should do tonight. I've been irritating myself throughout the day with the idea of messaging Kaworu and asking if he would like to do something. Yet I know I should probably stay far away from him. Sending texts or e-mailing is fine, there is no contact or risk there but seeing each other in person. I just know if we continue to be friends he'll eventually realize who I am and leave.
Yet I really want to see him again. I'm at a loss on what to do and even what to say. I have my phone in my hands, our conversation open and ready for me to type something. It's not like I've invited anyone out before. The concert was a spur of the moment thing because I felt bad for him. If I ask him out again then how will that look? What will he say? Will it be a... one of those d-words?
I've been on a grand total of one of those in my life. I ended up leaving the guy in the queue for a rollercoaster because he bored me. After that I went home and made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I have very little faith in myself as to how things would go on another date.
Still, I'm certain he would be interested. We have have been messaging each other a lot. He even asked me for advice on buying a games console. I was happy to advise him on which one to get and a number of games.
He's been informing me of his progress since then. It's been quite funny, even cute to see him go from not understanding anything to learning the games and enjoying them. He's been sending me screenshots of progress in levels or whenever he's won a match on a football game. Maybe that's what I could do, invite him over to play games together.
I let out a sigh and go back to the home screen of my phone. Why is this so difficult? I'm Asuka Langley Soryu damnit, I'm not supposed to have difficulty doing things. I'm a published author, I was an accomplished pilot and I got a damn college degree before I was fourteen. I shouldn't be having difficulty contacting someone because I want to hand out with them.
I know why it's difficult though. It's difficult because I'm Asuka Langley Soryu. The petulant bratty girl who exists only to hurt others. Who should stay away from other people lest they see through me.
I'm midway through my mental assault on myself when I suddenly see my phone start to ring. My heart leaps into my mouth thinking it could be him but I feel only disappointment when I don't recognize the caller ID. I'm prepared to ignore it but realize with the book stuff it might be important. On answering I'm greeted by a voice I haven't heard in years.
"Hello, is that Asuka?"
I almost hang up on him, the only reason I don't is because I can detect the hint of panic in his voice. Knowing his relationship with Kaworu he's earned at least a minute of my time.
"It is." I reply sharply, "Can I ask why you're calling, I thought I said I-"
"Yes, I know and normally I would not have contacted you but you are the only person I could contact, it's Nagisa he-"
My heart leaps into my mouth again although unlike last time it doesn't feel quite as good, "Kaworu? What happened?"
"There has been an incident. I know you and he have been in contact and I didn't know who else to contact. Do you think you could come over?"
I don't hesitate in my reply, instead I leap up off of my sofa and hastily put my jacket on, "I'll be right there."-
Kaworu's Apartment.
My heart is beating rapidly in my chest as I turn the corner onto the street where Kaworu's apartment block is. I get to his building and lean against the wall for a moment to try to catch my breath. I regret having ran so much but I couldn't delay in getting here. I had to find out what had happened to Kaworu.
I push the door to the lobby open and move through the corridor towards Kaworu's door. I knock a few times and barely any time passes between me knocking and the door opening. I ignore Fuyutsuki's greeting as I push past him and move into the front room. The curtains have been closed letting in only a small amount of light, a lamp is on next to the TV and I look around for him.
Finally, I see him, lying on the sofa his eyes wide open in terror. He looks just as bad, if not worse than he did when I first met him. Only this time I can see the reason why. I try to not gasp at the sight of him. He's hurt and I don't even mean a little bit. Even at this distance I can make out the bruising around his eye, I can see his lip has been cut and there are little smudges of blood under his nose and on his cheeks.
I step further into the room and see that his shirt has been ripped and bloodied as well. The poor guy is an absolute mess. I quickly make my way over to his side and kneel down next him. I take his trembling hands in my own. As I look back up, I see Fuyutsuki has entered the room now.
"What the hell happened to him?" My voice is shaking as I speak. I try to keep it steady, I try to keep myself from yelling. I can feel rage building inside of me but I need to keep it in check. Kaworu is terrified enough without seeing me explode.
Fuyutsuki stands near to the sofa and merely shakes his head, "He was attacked."
"Yes, I can see that." I snarl at him, "Who by? When? How?" I though the UN goons were watching us all the time, how did they let something like this happen?"
Fuyutsuki says nothing for a few moments and merely bows his head. I can see the sorrow in his eyes but a part of me doesn't care. I'm not going to feel sorry for that damn old man, not when Kaworu is lying here shaking and hurt. I ask him again, "His security, what the hell were they doing?"
Again, I get no reply and it slowly starts to dawn on me what has happened. I open my mouth in shock as I look forwards Kaworu and once again at Fuyutsuki. I don't even need to be told but I ask anyway just for confirmation.
"It was them... Wasn't it?"
Fuyutsuki nods, "Our security are checked and vetter, this shouldn't have happened."
"Well it did!" I snap back, "Where the hell are they?"
"Both of them have been relieved of their jobs and are with the appropriate authorities. I will be making sure they are dealt with as strongly as possible."
"Not good enough." I get to my feet, "Where are they, I'll deal with them."
I start to move forward but I'm stopped when I feel Kaworu tugging at my hand. Fuyutsuki looks at me, "Miss Soryu, please..."
"Those goons are supposed to be protecting us! They're supposed to be protecting him! You are supposed to be protecting him! You promised him that much! What sort of pathetic excuse for protection is this is they're the ones hurting him!"
I try to move forward again and break myself free of Kaworu's grip. I wonder if Fuyutsuki will try to stop me. I don't care, if I have to deal with him then I will but I won't let those bastards get away with this. I don't care what Kaworu is or what he was, he didn't deserve this to happen to him.
"Soryu please."
I stop still again and fix the former professor with an ice-cold stare, "What exactly is the purpose of the people who watch and follow us Fuyutsuki?"
He bows his head again, "I know..."
"Their purpose is to make sure that people like me and Kaworu don't come to any harm. I didn't ask for their protection but I know they're there. I know he was promised it though, I know he was assured it and they have failed... You have failed! You-"
"A-Asuka... please..."
I'm stopped mid rant by Kaworu's weakened voice. It pulls me out of my anger back to reality and I turn to see he is sitting up now.
"Please... I... I do not wish for you to fight nor for anyone else to be hurt. What happened to me... I... I deserve thi-"
"Shut up!" I snap back at him, "Don't you dare! Don't you dare tell me or dare to think that you deserve this. No one deserves this."
I shake my head one more time and slowly move back to Kaworu's side. I sit myself near to him and bring him down to rest his head on my lap. I gently run a hand through his hair and try to calm myself down. I can't let my anger get the better of me, if I storm out then what does Kaworu have? When I can though, if I can, then I'm going to make those bastards pay.
"What happened Kaworu?" I try to soften my voice and he looks back up at me, his eyes wounded and tearful.
"I was coming back from work... They approached me and they... attacked me in the lobby of my block. I... I couldn't fight back... They..."
I hush him, I don't need to hear anymore. It's not like many people would have been able to put up much of a fight against two trained members of whatever the group is that is trailing us. Even if he had it probably would have ended up being worse for him.
"They've been identified?" I ask Fuyutsuki.
He nods, "Yes, they're with the authorities now and have been relieved of their job. You have my word that they will be punished for this."
"And what exactly does that mean Fuyutsuki?" I snap back, "Your word? Why should I..."
"A-Asuka... please he... he wants to help, this isn't his fault."
I stare a hole through Fuyutsuki. From here I can see he looks ashamed and maybe even a little bit angry himself. Good.
"I know you don't have a high opinion of me Soryu and I don't blame you. You have every right to hate me but I promise you I will deal with this."
I look back towards Kaworu, fine, I'll try it their way.
"Alright, I won't do anything but you promise me... you promise both me and him... You make a promise Fuyutsuki that you will deal with the two bastards that did this."
"I promise you that Soryu, you too Nagisa. I will deal with this." He bows his head towards us, "I will take my leave now. It seems I am in for a busy night. You will both be alright?"
"Yes. I'll take care of him." I reply coldly.
He says his goodbye and leaves the room. I hear the front door close and I let out a sigh before looking once more at Kaworu. I hear him let out a sniff and a tear rolls down his cheek. I squeeze his hand and continue to run my other hand through his hair. I guess I got what I wanted, to see him again only not exactly as I'd have wished it.
"I'm here Kaworu, I'm here as long as you need me to be. You're safe now, I promise."
So this is the rough draft of the opening to chapter 5. I still need to edit this but thought it'd be cool to share what I have so far!
Shinji Ikari
Tokyo 2 – Late afternoon
"Shinji I need to speak with you."
I put down my sheet music and gaze up at Rei as she enters the living room. Something about her seems, off. She looks concerned… No worried about something. I wonder if something has happened, "Of course, is everything alright Rei?"
She nods, "It is fine but I fear I have made… a mistake."
I stand up as she fully enters the room and makes her way over to me. Something is strange with her, I can see she is nervous and I've never seen Rei nervous before. At least not like this. All at once scenarios begin to rush through my head. Did something happen to her today? Did someone try to hurt her? She doesn't look hurt but then could it be something else?
"Please sit down."
I follow Rei's instructions and sit myself down. She sits herself down near to me and gazes down at the ground.
"What's wrong Rei? Did someone hurt you?"
She shakes her head, "No, it is not that. It is about my recent holiday."
"Y-You mean your trip to America? Did something happen?"
She nods, "Yes… Only it was not in America. I did not end my journey in America but instead in Germany. I apologize for not having told you sooner but there were… things that needed to be worked out."
I let out a sigh of relief, is that all she had to tell me? Is that what she was nervous about, that she hadn't told me where she had ended up? Rei is an adult, she can go wherever she wants. I smile at her.
"That's fine Rei, I know you've been there before and you like it there. You don't need to be worried about telling me that."
"The fact that I ended up in Germany is not the end of my story. Whilst I was there I… encountered somebody. I did mean to tell you sooner, I had every intention of doing so but I could not find the right opportunity nor the correct words."
She lets out another sigh and I say nothing. My mind runs through possibilities of who she might have encountered. I wonder why she is so hesitant to tell me. If she has a boyfriend or a girlfriend I'm not going to be bothered by that. She doesn't need to be afraid of telling me. Unless the person is someone I know. She went to Germany, my mind drifts to that one possibility. Could it be that Rei saw… her?
I feel a lump in my throat as I prepare for Rei to say that name. What if it was her that Rei saw? What if after all these years she has finally appeared again. How am I going to feel if she says her name? Excited? Happy? I genuinely don't know. Even if she did see her what would it matter? It's not like she would come back here and it isn't like we'd be friends again. She hates me because of the things I did to her and I don't blame her.
I just… I would like to know she is happy. I feel Rei's hands around mine and I don't think anything could have prepared me to hear the name she speaks.
"I saw Kaworu Nagisa."
I blink. I blink again and then I feel nothing but numbness. The lump in my throat swells as I Rei's words hit me. I want to ask her to say it again, to really make sure that was what she said but I'm afraid to. If she repeats it then it's true, and that means Kaworu is alive. If she doesn't repeat it then maybe... just maybe it isn't true. Maybe I misheard and she said someone else.
I know how idiotic that sounds but I am really struggling to believe that he can be alive and that Rei saw her. That boy, Kaworu Nagisa, my friend for such a brief moment of my life is alive. The boy who befriended me when I was at my lowest is really alive somewhere. The boy who ultimately betrayed me and was revealed to be an Angel, the boy that I killed.
I don't know how to feel. Should I be happy at this news? Should I be sad or angry? I've always tried to not think about Kaworu, put him out of my mind. It's one memory that I've never wanted to and yet frequently revisitied a number of times over the years. Every moment of our brief couple of days together is so vivid in my memory from the time I first laid eyes on him to the moment I had to crush him in the hand of Unit 01.
I feel like I should hate him. He took advantage of me and then betrayed me. Sank me to my lowest point and nearly threatened the safety of this world. Yet I cannot hate him. I feel like there was more to him, like he was tricked too and besides I nearly did the same myself. My inaction caused so many to die, it was only through a miracle that they survived and were able to come back.
"I am sorry I did not tell you sooner." Rei speaks again, "I promise you though, no harm will come to you from him. I will protect you."
I look up at Rei, "P-Protect you... No... I don't... Kaworu wouldn't..."
Rei takes my hand in hers, "I know what Kaworu was and what he did to you. You don't need to be afraid of him. He can't hurt you again."
"I-I I..." I start to stutter and realize I have nothing to say to her. All I can feel is numbness throughout my body. I can feel my chest start to tighten as breathing becomes more difficult. Rei sits herself beside me and puts an arm around my shoulder. I try to steady my breathing, try to remember what I've been told whenever this happens. It's been so long since it's happened.
Rei pulls my trembling body closer to hers and wraps me in a warm hug. She whispers to me, "It is okay brother, just breathe. I know this is hard for you."
Rei Ayanami
As I hold my trembling brother in my arms and wait for his panic attack to subside I'm hit with an overwhelming sense of guilt. I have been a horrible sister with what I have done to him. I should have told him this earlier but I held off of doing so and now I have hurt him. Not only that but the weight of the other secret I am keeping from him is heavy on my heart.
I feel like he needs to know she is alive. Needs to know she is still out there but now I am in this too deep. It has been over three years since I made contact with her and became her friend again. Three years I have kept this secret from Shinji and Misato. I know I must tell them, I need to tell them if anything for theirs and her safety.
I know Kaworu is dangerous, no matter what Fuyutsuki tells us that boy cannot be trusted. I need to tell them for Asuka's safety. Even if it is against her wishes she needs protecting from him. I look down at Shinji, he is still trembling but his breathing seems to have stabilized.
"I am sorry Shinji, I know the memory of him hurts you. I am sorry I did not tell you sooner but..."
Shinji shakes his head and smiles sadly, "N-No... I... It is fine, I understand why you didn't. I am... I'm not the easiest person when it comes to stuff like this. I'm sorry I make things like this difficult for you, I'm sorry I'm not stronger or better yet."
"Idiot!" I silence him by putting my finger to his lips, "You have nothing to be sorry for, you are a strong person Shinji, one of the strongest I know and you don't need to be 'better', you are you."
I remove my finger and he lets out a laugh, "You know... You almost reminded me of... well her, when you told me off like that."
I smile back at him but I feel that weight on me get even heavier at the mention of Asuka. I try to ignore it for now, if I am going to tell Shinji and Misato I can't do it yet. Not after he has just learned about Kaworu. Instead I must focus on making him feel better, focus on helping him now, "I am sorry, I do not mean to insult you."
He keeps on smiling, "No... You didn't insult me. You were right and it was funny. I think sometimes... when she lived here she could be right. I do apologize too much, I know that and I try not to. I know I try to blame myself for everything and I'm trying not to."
"Despite her harshness, Soryu was often right in her criticisms of us."
Shinji nods, "Yeah... Do... Do you miss her Rei?"
I nod my head, "Yes I do. I would have liked the opportunity to know her better and be her friend. I regret how cold I was to her in the past, in truth I did come to admire her strength and fierceness, her determination."
Shinji averts his eyes, "Yeah... Do you think she is alright?"
"I do. Wherever she is I believe she is doing fine."
"I hope so, she deserves to be happy."
That feeling of guilt, the lead in my soul continues to grow as I hear Shinji speak. Yet I continue replying to him pretending I don't know anything about Asuka or her condition. Replacing the 'I know she is' with 'I believe' and 'I hope.'
I'm sorry Shinji, I have not been a good sister to you.
