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Artemis Fowl: The Movie

Would you watch this?

  • Total voters
    156
all fictions said:
EDIT: lmao
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"So let me get this straight, you want to do the opposite of the books and have Artemis become a darker character at the end because audiences can identify more readily with that?"
"Yes sir I do."
"Have you considered how badly that will clash in the overall plot with the sequel material relying on Artemis becoming a better person for events to actually occur?"
"I did. That's why I figured I could just change those plots as well, once we get to them."
"Instead of just going with what happens in the book series that sold over twenty-five million copies?"
"yeahyeahyeah."
"So this would be like... reverse character growth?"
"I prefer to think of it as inverted."
"Ah, inverted character growth is tight! Books are for nerds!"
 
query said:
"I did. That's why I figured I could just change those plots as well, once we get to them."
"Instead of just going with what happens in the book series that sold over twenty-five million copies?"
"yeahyeahyeah."
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"Hey, look at the MCU! It's not like any of the movies were straight adaptations of canon--they just took elements and 'inspiration' from the originals to make all new stories! The formula works!"
"Yes, it...uh, works? *aside whisper to assistant* Close all the tabs displaying the DCEU, please."
 
Forget the inverted character or whatever - even that could've worked if this guy hadn't completely gone 10000% stupid on the plot. Take one book and work on it instead of just... whatever shit you cooked up here. The problems of this movie goes deeper than the character of Artemis - everything sucks. People gripe about the Avatar - well, ATLA fans should be grateful for what they got.

Artemis Fowl is bad it makes me love M Shyamalan and his work in retrospect - something I never thought possible.
 
I do really wonder if someone at Disney bought the Artemis rights way back when without reading the books.... then realized they had to make a film with a villain protagonist.

Hence 19 years of development hell....
 
Shanejayell said:
I do really wonder if someone at Disney bought the Artemis rights way back when without reading the books.... then realized they had to make a film with a villain protagonist.

Hence 19 years of development hell....
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I mean it wouldn't take much to write the film from Holy's point of view. A few scenes early on to set up Artemis then you follow Holly around. It'd make for a much more traditional film and wouldn't even be that big a deviation from the book. I think the real issue is that some executive bought the rights then they left and suddenly the project had no real backers so it got passed around to one team or another to begin production, but those teams kept getting reassigned since there wasn't a priority on this project until one day a team managed to get the ball rolling and they just cobbled together a bunch of random shit.
 
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They're just debating whether hanging, drawing and quartering, flensing or staking out in the Sahara Desert would be most appropriate for such a pun.
 
Mental Omega said:
I have just contacted the United Nations Security Council and they unanimously agreed to have you sentenced to death after I showed them this pun.
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For the record, Canada would have voted against this, but we didn't get that seat.

no i didn't just get a check from the government why
 
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Personally, I unfairly blame JK Rowling and by extension the English for colonizing big ticket YA fiction and setting the standard that everyone wants to chase after. Yeah no shit the Irish would get the short of the stick here with the Union Jack flying over the genre.
 
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Reveen said:
Personally, I unfairly blame JK Rowling and by extension the English for colonizing big ticket YA fiction and setting the standard. Yeah no shit the Irish would get the short of the stick here with the Union Jack flying over the genre.
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COME OUT ALL YE BLACK AND TANS
 
Kenneth Brannagh demonstrated he was a hack who can't adapt the easiest lay up ever when he turned Murder On The Orient Express into The Kenneth Branagh Experience Starring And Directed By Me, Kenneth Brannagh.

Man's past it.

Used to be a brilliant Shakespearean but his instincts are clearly long gone.
 
bluntblade said:
Someone argued on the Infinit Podcast that Branagh is cut out for Shakespeare but not much else, but also that he's got no interest in shooting leading men who aren't him.
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That is quite literally the whole of the problem.

He's a vain hyperspecialist, which, ok, so was Olivier.

Olivier also had the grace and the cunning to get out of the way when his direction amd managerial work at the Old Vic required it.

Brannagh isn't there yet, and maybe never will be.
 
I'm sort of curious to see his Murder on the Orient Express. Particularly as I remember Rian Johnson, who made that other recent big murder mystery film (my favourite of last year), talking specifically about shooting longer and longer takes of his leading man "to give him 'runway'." And big ensembles need an even handed approach.
 
Claudette Savagely said:
That is quite literally the whole of the problem.

He's a vain hyperspecialist, which, ok, so was Olivier.

Olivier also had the grace and the cunning to get out of the way when his direction amd managerial work at the Old Vic required it.

Brannagh isn't there yet, and maybe never will be.
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He did make a Herculian effort in Orient Express even if it was just the equivalent of

How I am the Best [Orient Express/OC!SI/Harem]
 
This is simply a filler arc until Kenneth Branagh reaches the perfect age to play and direct King Lear.
 
Surely he can tick off a few other Shakespeare things along the way? Sure, Macbeth is redundant thanks to Kurzel, Kurosawa and Welles, but there are a few others.

Actually - not Branagh, but I've heard a few people say they'd love to see a filmmaker with a flair for the fantastic do The Tempest.
 
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