A Penguin Plays RULE THE WAVES

[bluepencil]

Hm. If I remember correctly, the Carlo Alberto class is quite the decent Armored Cruiser.

(checks)

Right. 8000 tons. Two single-gun 10 inch turrets. Our Adobo-class has 4 8-inch guns instead at 9500 tons.

I take it back, it's not decent. It's daring. Not well-mannered. Not well-mannered at all. The Italians are being even more experimental with their builds than we are.


Things are fine. We are fine.
Everything's doing just fine.

How are you?

If there's nothing more pressing, let's roll on to the next month.


Heh.

What? It's true. Who's dumb enough to want to involve themselves in that dumpsterfire?


Good enough.
I like it.


Hm. Everyone else seems to really want to beef up their light escort craft rolls.


Let's follow along.


There we go.

Since our battleship will be done the next turn, we should be able to afford this very easily.

For some reason, both CSA and Italy were (mildly) annoyed by my crack about the Balkans.
Why not Austria-Hungary? Which is, if I remember correctly, right at the Balkans.

 

[August]

Probaly because they are basically like half the balkans whereas italy if the random pieces of trivia i have of the time period had a lot of plans for the balkans, of course in game as far as i can tell somethings just don't make sense sometimes, it's like one time i had one of the african events, and for some reason resolving it with force made the us angry when as far as i can tell the us basically had nothing to do with africa.

 

[bluepencil]

Good. Good. The French are quite generous patrons, it seems.

And yet we are tied to the hips of perfidious Albion anyway. Ah, well. C'est la vie.


Oh! Fascinating A BB!
That's a right and proper battleship, innit?

You are technically correct, which is the best kind of correct.

B's are pre-dreadnought battleships. But BB's came into popular use because Americans use double letters for their ship designations. BBs for battleships, FF for Fridates, DD for Destroyers, CA for Cruisers, CV for Carriers, and so on.


I see.

Also the fact that British 9" guns are better than ours, which doesn't matter since it is to be expected and we're stuck using even numbered guns anyway.
12", 8", 6", 4" ... I'm making an exception for 5" because it adds up to a nice even ten.

Numerology isn't supposed to be something to base your military production around.

Odd numbered caliber guns expressed in metric are for navies that lose wars!


Wait, it's not done?!

Did we have this issue with the Barquillo? Why aren't they giving us our cute squishy fatbote! How dare they!

Although our expenditures dropped a little bit, so this isn't too bad.


Well, Merry Christmas anyway. Let's roll on to the New Year, everybody!

 

[bluepencil]

SHORTSTACK NUMBER TWO! WELCOME TO THE FLEET!

(B Baraco) AAAH WHAT STOP.

(CL Furiosa) The mystery of whether female dwarves can grow beards, we shall solve it now, sisters!



(B Barbarella) MINI-ME!
(B Baraco) Please! Not more huggings!
(B Barbarella) SO SQUISHYY.

(B Barquillo) My convenient stunt double twin! I won't forget your sacrifice, sister!
(sneak sneak)



(ninja ninja)
(B Barbacoa) You know Barbarella and I are twin sister ships too right?
(B Barquillo) Oh noes.

Oh shite, I just realized that I forgot to click some buttons and the Barquillo class Conning Tower armor, i.e., the armor protecting the captain and crew, is only six inches.

I hope that doesn't come back to bite us in the arse later.



Whatever he said, the whole dang Navy stands by it.

 

[Ithillid]

Conning tower armor is kinda pointless. It rarely gets hit anyways. Most player designs go heavy on it more because it is something that they can dedicate spare tonnage to than anything else. Now, getting the tower hit is pretty bad, but those ships are going to be gone before long. They are just too small and undergunned to survive the coming eras.

 

[bluepencil]

Wait, isn't that...?


Know what's worse than having six-inch conning towers? Five inches of belt armor on a battleship.

And nine-inch guns that are barely better than eight inch guns for anti-cruiser work but far too weak to deal with battleship grade armor.

And it has only two chances to hit on every salvo instead of four in double turrets.

[WORTHLESSBOTE INTENSIFIES]


OH NOOO.

Note to self, never say anything bad about Italian cooking again.


All right. So this is the state of our fleet.
We have almost no money left, but we have much income again.


What can we do about this?

You could STOP SPENDING, for one.


Ehh. All right.
It would take 20 more months to build another Cruiser anyway. I'm not waiting that long.

Let's roll next month and see what happens.

 

[Vehrec]

You can build a shipyard upgrade, or a colonial fort, or a run of submarines!

 

[bluepencil]

I am still very interested in how our Adobo is only very slightly cheaper than the Barquillo.


If we have the Brits build 'em, we're shaving off 4 months for only +100k more per month.

So if we calculate this...

1.5 x 24 = 36 million vs 1.6 x 20 = 32 million.

Nice savings. But still probably best for when we have loose cash since 20 months is almost two years too late to any battle.





Speaking of which - HELLO, FISHIES!

Now we've got enough light escorts to patrol our shores.

Radar hasn't been invented yet, remember? The only way to know anything is if a ship spots something.


Huh. Do we have any holdings in Africa?

Do we even care?

Nevertheless...


Well of course I would send a Battleship. Why wouldn't I?
It would have all the extra room. It would be comforting to our citizens.

Granted, a Cruiser would probably be faster, but it's a good shakedown cruise for our new battleship.

It's only a difference of two knots. What's the harm?

 

[bluepencil]

What?! WHY?

WHAT DID I DO? WHAT DID I DOOO?!!!


Crap crap crap move move MOVE!


The only reinforcements we can hope to expect in the next few months be a bunch of unarmored minesweepers!

Better hope that the treaty -


PERFIDIOUS ALBIOOOOONNNN!!!!


I should have gone for you from the start. So what if Gran Britannya has the largest fleet afloat?!



WHAT. WHAT?!

THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY!

THAT ESCALATED WAAAY TOO QUICKLY!


I CAN FEEL THE WARP OVERTAKING ME!

 

[ShyPerson]

Finally, war. Dispite not starting in ideal circumstances, I am excited to see the fleets clash.

 

[Havock]

Does A-H have that many CA's or are your intelligence bois vaping cordite?

 

[Ghost_msl]

I CAN FEEL THE WARP OVERTAKING ME!

Click to shrink...

"It is a GOOD pain!"

 

[HolyDragoon]

WHAT DID I DO? WHAT DID I DOOO?!!!

Click to shrink...

You didn't read the helptext that came with that action, did you... that's a Tension ++ option.

So... congrats, I guess you got what you wanted?

 

[Lordsservent]

Good luck with this pre Dreadnought duel. May your gunners not suck too much and your torpedoes find their marks:

 

[bluepencil]

You didn't read the helptext that came with that action, did you... that's a Tension ++ option.

So... congrats, I guess you got what you wanted?

Click to shrink...

Yeah. What's weird about this is that nobody else cares.

Perfidious Albion: being perfidious.

Does A-H have that many CA's or are your intelligence bois vaping cordite?

Click to shrink...

The count of my own ships ain't even accurate.

 

[bluepencil]

All right. We don't have local capital ship superiority in this surprise attack.
The pair of Barquillo-class battleships are only going to arrive next month.

Let's just see what happens.


Huh. Okay that was fast.


(CL Ladron) I'm taking fire!

What?! Already?!


What is that?

All right, all ships turn turn turn and ohh there's another one.



It's a Light Cruiser. That's fine.

There's two more of them!
Let's hope they're Destroyers.



That is not a Destroyer.


Those are not Destroyers!

You are ordered to stay in contact until at least we can identify what we're up against.


(CL Ladron) Found another unknown warship.


Shite, there's FOUR of them!

Two CL Asperns and two CA Donau.


(CL Ladron) Taking fire from Armored Cruisers!

 

[bluepencil]

All right. So the Aspern is one of those huge-ass Light Cruisers that they have. That's not a problem.


Now that. That is a problem.

The Lechon class is almost useless. We should have scrapped this design long ago as soon as we had the Furiosa class for scouting purposes.
Though at least it has a little better armor.


Now our Adobo is basically fine.
She's very fine.

No Armored cruiser has better than 5" armor anyway, and if you're using Armored Cruisers on the battle line with guns made to defeat armor greater than 6 inches you're doing it wrong.


(CL Ladron) I'm taking from from all enemy ships!
(CL Ladron) Get me the hell out of here!

Full speed to the left, keep tail on those CL Asperns.

(CL Ladron) What the frick is left? Your left? My left?!

(CA Adobo) Head due WEST, I'm coming through.


(CA Adobo) The enemy is opening up their formation, steaming away from us for some reason.
(CA Adobo) Keep going due West, we can try to sink that one Aspern to defeat them in detail.

(CL Ladron) 2 vs 1 is not bullying the same way 4 vs 2 isn't.


(CA Adobo) Reporting. One CL Aspern is off taking cover behind the pair of CA Donaus.


(CA Adobo) Lost sight of CL at NE. The Donaus are moving in to engage at parallel track.
(CA Adobo) Taking fire from enemy cruisers.


(CA Adobo) Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.


(CA Adobo) Lost contact with the Aspern due North West.
(CA Adobo) Switching targets to nearest Donau.
(CA Adobo) Exchanging full broadsides.

(CL Ladron) I'm being useless!

(CA Adobo) Don't sound so happy about it.

(CL Ladron) This is my only tone of voice!
(CL Ladron) I'm actually feeling rather distressed.

 

[Vehrec]

Ahahahaha, you fool. Though you're considering a *very* light armored cruiser there, they were historically almost battleship sized. It feels like, after four years, you're still making the same ships which...surely, there's been some improvement to what you can get, either at home or on the international market?

 

[HolyDragoon]

Ahahahaha, you fool. Though you're considering a *very* light armored cruiser there, they were historically almost battleship sized. It feels like, after four years, you're still making the same ships which...surely, there's been some improvement to what you can get, either at home or on the international market?

Click to shrink...

Eeeh, given that his designs probably drove Britain to do some weird fuckery...

 

[bluepencil]

Well eff this for a box of empanadas.

(CA Adobo) Disengaging.


Can we use our speed to get them to split up again and defeat them in detail?


Nope. Those Donaus are sailing tight, supporting each other's fire.

Continue fleeing.

What are those things anyway?


Wait, what?

We already destroyed one turret? And their belt armor is actually quite weak and their guns only six inchers?


Everybody turn arrrrooound.

(CL Ladron) 2 1 vs 2 is more than a fair fight!

 

[bluepencil]

I don't get it.
Even if their guns were massively better than ours, they still shouldn't be penetrating more than five inches at this range.

Heck, our eight-inchers should technically not be able to deal with their armor at more than 8000 yards, but weather conditions are forcing us to fire at nearly pointblank range.


(CA Adobo) We lost sight of them again in the rain.


Wait, my Armored Cruiser stopped moving for some reason.

Engine hit! HOW?! Those magic six inch guns!

(CL Ladron) Found the Asperns!

(CA Adobo) Weren't they to our north a while ago?
(CA Adobo) This rain...!

So you remember what I said about even-numbered gun calibers?

I still don't believe it.


Aaaah! The Adobo's getting hammered and still not moving!

(CA Adobo) I am not experiencing engine problems.
(CA Adobo) A ship at a dead stop is soon to be dead.
(CA Adobo) This heavy rain that's playing merry hell on everybody's accuracy is almost a good thing right now.


Oh.


(CA Adobo) PEBKAC* issue resolved.
(CA Adobo) Engines to full.

ONWARDS TO GLORY!



*problem exists between keyboard and chair error

 

[bluepencil]

Oh no, the Adobo has taken a lot of damage already.


Wait, no, that's still 16% and we're not getting any floatation damage just yet.
We shouldn't be taking any damage at all.


(CA Adobo) The Aspern's had enough, it's turning away.
(CA Adobo) We keep losing sight of them in the rain.
(CA Adobo) I'd be happy to trade fire with the Donau all day if they just didn't keep disappearing.


(CA Adobo) See? Like that they're gone again.
(CA Adobo) It's taking a lot just to guess their heading and keep contact.


Rain's clearing up but we don't have any more enemy contacts.


The dashed line is our gun range and the solid but thin line is our sight range.

(CL Ladron) Another ship! I'll go check it out!


(CL Ladron) I have no idea what I'm doing lol.


(CA Adobo) WEREN'T THESE ASSHOLES FLEEING NORTH OF US A WHILE AGO?!

(CL Ladron) I'm scouting as hard as I can don't blame me!



(CA Adobo) The Donau are heading north while the Asperns are breaking east.
(CA Adobo) There's not so much a hard sheet of rain to hide behind anymore.

(CL Ladron) One of them's already out of sight though?


We are not leaving until we sink a ship.
Keep tail on those Asperns!

 

[bluepencil]

(CL Ladron) One of them's breaking off north.

We won't be able to catch it in time. Just get that Aspern!


We already destroyed two turrets.
It packs six inch guns same as the Donaus!

But at least it has far less armor, so while technically it is still somehow a threat it can only shoot back with two guns on the chase.

The Donau with its wing turrets could orient six.

(CL Ladron) Um...
(CL Ladron) This is now Actually Bullying, isn't it?


(CA Adobo) Enemy is turning south.


Ouch my eyes!

My screen just brightened all of a sudden! What's happening?!

 

[bluepencil]

Oh. So it just stopped raining.

This is what the ocean normally looks like. Huh.


Ah! Now what?!
Is it raining again?


What's happening?


Oooh. Night time.

I see. I forgot that was a thing.

Seriously?


(CL Ladron) We cain't see shite, cap'n!


Ech. I consider it a draw.

(CA Adobo) We probably would have been able to sink the enemy if the conditions weren't so adverse.
(CA Adobo) On the other hand, it also prevented them from combining their fire.

If six inch guns can do armor damage, that doesn't bode well for our Destroyers and Light Cruiser Raiders.


(CA Adobo) Time to head home for now.
(CL Ladron) Yeah, this hasn't been fun.

All right. For our first battle just surviving is a great enough victory.

Wait. Is that...?

Waaaaaaaitasecond.

 

[bluepencil]

THOSE ARE SPANISH FLAGS.

​

THAT WAS US. THAT WAS US ALL ALONG!

That's why the USA and the CSA didn't like us snarking about it.

We invaded and took over Albania. Which is right on the border to Austria-Hungary.

Sure, they declared war on us first. But I can't rightfully say it was unprovoked.


So this is the After Action Report of the battle. Red is us, blue is A-H.

At 10:00 AM, the Austria-Hungary navy ambushed a pair of our scouting Cruisers with two pairs of their own.

Until 11:00, for almost an hour, we steamed west towards Italy, then turned down.

Until 12:00 the Donau chased us until we abruptly turned around and then for several hours running it was glorious kerfluffle over there with people going around in circles just trying to keep in contact under heavy rains.

At 16:00 we followed an Aspern to the east but it was a sacrificial goat. The others had already broken off and headed north.

At 17:00 we completely lost sight of the enemy and it was becoming too dark to operate.

At 18:00 the battle was considered concluded.


No ships were sunk, but three ships of theirs will have to be down in the yards for substantial time.

Our two ships will have to be repaired for at least a month as well.


Surviving that ambush is victory enough.

​

Now we must ask the uncomfortable questions.

We were ambushed off the coast of Sicily. They knew we would be be there.

It was not a battle keeping the Austria-Hungarian Navy bottled up in that channel right off the coast of Albania.

What were we doing patrolling deep in Italian national waters?

...

It is not so mysterious.

The ships were re-coaling on the way back from patrol.

Okay. I will accept that as a valid reason.
It is possible Italy is not betraying us too.