Getting To Know Agent Doofenshmirtz
Agent Cobra Bubbles was not a man who was prone to being easily impressed. A man with high standards for both himself and others, he was nevertheless more than happy to give credit where it was due. For example, despite his early misgivings about the man's capabilities, he was all too willing to say that Agent Doofenshmirtz was shaping up to be a capable field agent. As long as one knew how to work with his...Eccentricities.
"Pretty lucky that our target had a pet ocelot and not something weirder," said agent was saying to Monogram, the odd fellow as animated as ever as they took advantage of their R&R following the successful retrieval of a person of interest to catch some lunch in the Agency cafeteria, "We could have been in trouble otherwise!"
The other agent nodded, his face just as serious as ever as he ate. "Indeed, I didn't imagine your experiences in that regard would come up in such a way."
At that comment Mr. X gave his fellow agents a vaguely interested, mostly ambivalent look. "Experiences?" He asked raising one perfect brow, "Were you a zookeeper before you signed up with us?"
Heinz immediately shook his head, waving his sausage in a bun in a way that barely missed hitting Monogram in the face. "No, I was raised by ocelots! Some of the best years of my life in fact, would highly recommend it if you get the chance!"
Heinz took another bite of his lunch, not noticing that three of his teammates were now giving him odd looks. "Is...Is that a Drusselstein expression of some kind?" Betty asked, her sole visible eye showing her confusion, a familiar look where the immigrant was involved.
Shaking his head, Heinz hadn't seemed to notice the way his friends were looking at him now. "Not at all! After my mother kicked me out of the family home when I was seven," At this the normally unflappable Cobra dropped his sandwich as he stared at Heinz, "I wandered through the woods for a time before I came across a family of ocelots, who raised me as their own!"
There was a moment of silence at that, before as one Cobra, Woody, Betty, and X turned to look at Francis, silently begging him to say that they were being Punk'd. He paused to swallow his bite before answering. "It's true," he began, looking at his teammates with a slightly resigned expression, "I was there when he explained all this to the director, and while Drusselstein isn't known for keeping great personal records, everything we've found corroborates his numerous, horrible stories." There was a slightly dead look in Francis' eyes as he said the last few words.
"Well of course it's true," Heinz continued, giving his friends a confused look, "Wait, have I really never told any of you my Tragic Backstory? Well, we probably don't have enough time left in our break for the full story but I can give you the highlights! It all began on the day of my actual birth..."
Twenty minutes later Heinz was starting to wrap things up. "...But I ended up in America instead! Not long after that I met up with Francis here, and now here we are!" Suddenly there was a beeping noise from his pocket, and he quickly brought out his pager to look at. "Whoops! Looks at the time! I've gotta get going, see you all later!" With that Heinz popped the last of his meal in his mouth and made his way out of the cafeteria.
There was silence at the table, meals forgotten as four agents pondered the new information while Francis gave a tired sigh. "Yeah. And now you know why I no longer wonder why Heinz is the way he is. And that's just the stuff he was able to fit into a lunch break; there's worse things that he skipped over for one reason or another!"