Measure the Pleasure
Since the raid on the Demon Outpost was in only two hours, Kazuma decided to tentatively register his party's willingness to participate.
Luna seemed rather pleased with that, remarking that his progress was outstanding - to fight against the Demon King's Army directly in less than a week since his initial appearance, and to reach Level 14 in that time was unprecedented.
He found Subaru and a tear-stained Aqua in the courtyard of the Guild Hall. Aqua was seated on a bench next to one of the small fountains in the spot furthest away from the training grounds, and Subaru appeared to be consoling her, knelt next to her with a hand on her shoulder.
"Hey, easy, easy... I'm sure that she didn't mean that," Subaru cooed.
"What happened?" Kazuma asked, walking up to them with a sense of urgency.
"K-Kazuma!" Aqua cried out, looking up at him. Her eyeballs were reddened and lubricated, and her face was covered in the black stains of wet, drooping eyeliner; she'd been crying for a while now.
However, Kazuma didn't simply fall into immediate sympathy for that face.
There was a slur to her words, and a sway to her movements - Kazuma recognized the stench of alcohol a moment later as he drew in a breath. A disdain for her weakness filled him. "T-They all ganged up on me, and d-did things!" That disdain left instantly.
"A-Aqua..." Kazuma whispered with eyes slowly widening, as he took in the information.
"S-Six little girls ganged up on me, a-and they made fun of me, a-and drew on my face with a marker, Kazuma!"
His concern passed into the void as it should have. Kazuma closed his eyes and looked down in miserable comprehension. "Of course. How could I have been so stupid - you're pretty enough you'd never have to apply cosmetics."
Kazuma's comment went over her clumsy head. Aqua didn't react, aside from tilting her head to the side in puzzlement; Kazuma prudently chose not to explain.
Subaru rubbed his face, while Kazuma explained the details of their new task. The moment he mentioned they'd be fighting the Demon King's army, Aqua suddenly lit up with a newfound, brilliant zest, as if finding determination in the opposition of the Demon King.
His casual remark about the size of the reward might've had something to do with that eagerness, but Kazuma preferred to think good thoughts.
The longer Kazuma was forced to work with the goddess, the more irritated he became, but that irritation was offset by the equivalent realization that it could have been him, instead of her. It was much better to care for her and make sure she didn't get into trouble, rather than have to shoulder the weight of the Affliction of Misfortune on his own.
At least their hardship would never be too great. With Kazuma's spare life and Subaru's thousands, there wasn't much to fear so long as they stuck together.
The party decided to split there. Kazuma went out in order to stock up on a couple of emergency potions and items that could be useful, while Subaru looked for some appropriate weapons and armor for himself - he'd be expected to contribute directly here, and while useful, his Yin Magic wouldn't suffice on its own against the Demon King's men. He'd need something for physical fighting as well.
Aqua remained in the Guild Hall, drinking spiritedly unbeknownst to either of her partners. She was meant to gather information on the types of surprises the demons were known for pulling in the middle of the field, but Aqua was Aqua and cheap booze was cheap booze.
An hour later, their party went to participate in the raid gathering. It was taking place in a rather desolate meeting chamber within the Guild Hall, on the upper floor.
There were at least six other parties in participation. Kazuma recognized two of them as Dust's and Mitsurugi's. Kazuma chose not to greet them with anything more than a polite nod as he entered, although Kyouya looked back and observed the traces of Aqua's puffy face with a frown that bordered on disdain for existence. He didn't seem to notice she was more drunk than sad.
Regardless, the hero-knight he didn't have a chance to approach and make a brash complaint as their Guild-assigned coordinator entered the room a moment later, swinging the doors open wide and moving with bold confidence that betrayed true veterancy.
He was a caucasian man in his forties or fifties with short-cropped black hair nearing total baldness. His face was daubed in countless scars, some of them from blades and others from beastlike claws, and he wore a black eyepatch with the Adventurer Guild's emblem in the place of his left eye. He seemed to be some kind of Fighter or Warrior, perhaps even a Knight, as he wore an entire suit of full-plate in magenta-tinted glassy plates that oozed strong magic. The sword in his scabbard and his shield didn't seem to be even a quarter as poignant in comparison, but all of his equipment was clearly of sublime quality.
"Good afternoon, I'm Nastor!" the coordinator shouted, and the room became quiet in direct response to his appearance. Even the high-level Mitsurugi was amazed at the sight of the man. "We'll begin in a moment. Firstly, I'd like to assess your Adventurer Cards, and then-"
The man stopped when Aqua burped as loudly as a sputtering car engine that failed to work. Every person in the room stared at her. She was lying with her head down on the table, face touching wood, and both arms wrapped around her head as cushioning.
Kazuma felt a distinct need to facepalm. Mitsurugi was staring at her with sympathy, rather than disgust or blatant disinterest the others shared.
Nastor eyed her for a very long moment, then cast his gaze at Kazuma and somehow recognized him as the leader of their errant trio. His stare was assessing, but didn't linger for much longer than a second before he asked, "Is she drunk?"
"She is," Kazuma confirmed with an ounce of hurtful shame, preferring to get that fact out of the way. "Aqua... She'll be able to recover fast, she has a fast metabolism because of her statistics. If we give her an hour-"
"Yeah, yeah, it's fine!" Aqua unhelpfully added as she tilted her face sideways to show the big, dumb grin plastered on her face. The goddess waved a dismissive hand at Nastor in the same way that royalty dismissed servants who were done bringing the entrée to the table. "Keep talking, Nasty, I'm listening."
She burped again, before slumping against the table and mumbling something about terrible service.
The room was dreadfully silent for a good, whole five seconds. Kazuma felt a clenching in his heart, and a tightening in his veins. The desire to grab Aqua by the head and smack her into the table was overwhelming, but he narrowly suppressed his anger.
"I won't take someone drunk on the raid," Nastor said in a voice that brokered no argument. Kazuma felt a thrilling flare of anger directed at Aqua but maintained steady eye contact with the coordinator. "Either get her a potion to sober her up, or leave her behind. Or don't participate - I don't think you'd do too well without a priest at ready."
"Kazuma," Subaru whispered quietly in a tone that drew the boy's attention. Subaru didn't say anything else, and he didn't have to. The implication there was obvious - an unspoken question.
Kazuma shook his head. That wouldn't be necessary; Subaru nodded back and stepped away.
The Cursebearer got a fierce idea right then; one that was sure to educate Aqua and cure her of her affliction at the same time. The boy smiled widely as he looked at Nastor and said, "I'll take care of our rambling Archpriest. We'll be back in a moment; my comrade is going to keep our Cards handy in the meantime."
Nastor offered a single nod, before turning in order to converse with the first of the parties.
Kazuma handed his Adventurer Card over to Subaru, and - forcing Aqua to stand up by pulling on her arm, against her childish protestations - managed to search one of her pockets for her own, then handed it to Subaru as well despite her whining. He pulled Aqua out of the room, then led her to the bathroom in the middle of the floor. When they reached it, the Goddess was barely able to stand on her own. That was fine. He moved her gently so that her back was leaning against the wall, legs positioned stiffly enough that she was propped up stably against it.
Aqua's eyes looked glazed over, as Kazuma's shadow descended on her.
"Hm?" She appeared to regain some mild awareness. "Kazuma, where did all the people go?"
"Hey, Aqua, can you breathe underwater?"
She struck a dumb grin. "Of course I can! It's not very pleasant, but I'm the Water Go-gmhpmghfgh-" Aqua couldn't finish her boast, because Kazuma practically slammed his palm on top of her mouth and clasped it in such a way as to make it impossible for her to close her own mouth.
With eyes that were starting to widen in the dawning fear, Aqua mumbled, "Whfht arhwh ouu ouing?"
"This is for your own good," Kazuma said, before casting a low-intensity Hydrostream. In less than a second, Aqua's entire mouth was full of water, and she was forced to swallow on instinct as she was unable to spit out the volume. He cast again, then again; relentless, and forced the Goddess to keep drinking.
Swiftly, one gallon of water consumed became two gallons, and two became three. Kazuma stopped there, pulling back and letting the Goddess rasp and cough for breath. She managed to take a single step forward, then stumbled and clutched her stomach.
"I- I don't feel so good," she managed to say, no longer even half as drunk.
"That's generally what happens when people experience water intoxication," Kazuma surmised, stepping back in preparation for the avalanche.
"What's water intoxi-" Before Aqua could finish, her stomach gurgled, her throat spasmed uncontrollably, and her mouth yawned open as she released an entire waterfall of prismatic, glittery rainbow liquid that swiftly formed an expanding splatter on the floor. Its more watery parts moved further, an opalescent sheen dominating their translucence nonetheless.
Godly vomit was kaleidoscopic. Interesting.
Aqua breathed in, through her nose and mouth, then looked up at Kazuma with shock. "W-what did you do to me?"
He shrugged. "I made the observation that, despite being a Water Goddess, your body mostly behaves the same as a human's in reaction to liquids entering it. You purify liquids your skin touches, but not ones you drink. Aside from a handful of esoterica that apply situationally, you're basically human," Kazuma explained at length.
Aqua stumbled again, one hand clutching her stomach, the other holding onto a sink for stability. The pool of rainbow underneath her caused her to slide. Her throat seized violently, but she managed to hold in the fountain of barf for the moment.
"So, water intoxication. It's this neat thing where you vomit up all of your stored liquids-"
As if on cue, Aqua hit the floor with her knees and started to do what appeared to be the worship of other deities, but was actually just more throwing up.
"-because your brain, correctly, detects an abundance and chooses to get rid of it in the most direct way possible," Kazuma spoke without interruption while Aqua continued to retch and heave, the pool of rainbow spreading until it almost reached Kazuma's boots. He gently stomped one foot, the base weave of magic unfolding and vanishing a large diameter of the liquid around him from existence.
"It will be very unpleasant for the duration, but you can heal yourself afterward, so there'll be no permanent injury. If that can't happen because you fall unconscious, I'll heal you, and if that doesn't work, then none of this happened because Subaru will have killed himself to stop me. More importantly, you'll be ready for work."
"This-" Aqua breathed in, sounding like she was on the verge of throwing up again. Her eyes glistened for a moment, and her breaths were turning into shudders. "This is t-torture."
Kazuma's eyebrow twitched. He was about to counter that working together with her was 'torture,' but in a way, he'd brought this on himself.
"Don't be such a baby," he said instead. Kazuma walked up to her, rainbow stomach fluids parting around him like the Red Sea.
He knelt next to the goddess, and gently scooped her hair, and held it up so she didn't get more vomit on it. He used his spare hand to pat her on the back. "You'll suffer through it for a while, we'll do a mission, and get paid."
"I-I hate you. I'll never forgive you," Aqua ground out through grit teeth, like a rabid dog. She dry heaved for a moment.
Kazuma, fortunately, expected those words and had a counter. "Shhh. I'm here, I'm here. I'll buy you some high-quality alcohol after we're done, and cook you dinner."
That was enough. Aqua's face softened in regret of her own words. Then, she grit her teeth again, as if realizing he was playing her. Kazuma suppressed the urge to laugh, while Aqua painstakingly ground out the words, "I forgive you, but I fucking hate you. You really are Kazutrash." She followed that up with another series of vomits.
Kazuma grinned smugly.
---
Through exceptional intelligence and social manipulation (as well as fate,) Kazuma managed to avoid a relationship down with Aqua. Truly, he is the Kazutrash: a cunning beast that takes advantage of innocent goddesses...
The last winners were Skirmish Operation, False Impressions, and Direct Slumber. Due to Rihaku's comments and Kazuma's willingness to do so - especially before a major battle such as this - Kazuma decided to also acquire Advanced Magic.
Advanced Magic is the third and final domain of the Card System's magical classification levels. It operates with effects that have either vast consequences and results or highly conceptual and esoteric natures. An example spell would be Inferno, which creates a large blaze that incinerates the area even at low upgrade levels. Advanced Magic is going to be immensely useful in the coming battle - it offers spells that are relevant to fighting enemies who are vastly superior or large groups of lesser foes!
After reading through the party's Adventurer Cards, Nastor offered this rating:
Support: 10/10 (Aqua's repertoire of restoration spells is very impressive; to have the spell Resurrect below Level 40 even as an Archpriest is virtually unheard of.)
Combat: 8/10 (Kazuma is more than capable of holding the battle line on his own; his statistics make him the equivalent of an above-average frontline combatant and his magical potential as an Arch Mage gives him a plethora of other options.)
Diversion: 8/10 (While not as impressive as his teammate's abilities, Nastor says he'd never heard of Yin Magic, and guessed it must be a foreign art. Nonetheless, the Demon King's army won't have anything to counter Subaru's spells. Kazuma also has Illusion on top of that.)
Utility: 10/10 (Kazuma has Teleport, Illusion, and Counterspell. Aqua has access to so many miscellanea that you suspect Nastor suspects she might not be human or faking her level. This is perhaps strengthened by the fact some of her abilities have "God" or "Sacred Highness" in the name.)
Nastor's overall rating for Kazuma's party is: Superb.
There are no major weaknesses since all team members can serve as impromptu tanks with Aqua's blessings and DPS due to combat training or statistics (yes, even Subaru; he did kendo and his physical stats are vastly superior to Kazuma's before the Accursed contract. This is a Subaru who has relative years of experience on top of that.)
As if that weren't enough, everyone is a magic caster of some kind, with either unique, rare, or overwhelmingly powerful spells to offer!
Frankly, he says, you seem woefully over-qualified for this mission... if only he knew Aqua is an utter incompetent, you're cursed to suffer from incessant misfortune, and Subaru lost a majority of his powers some time ago.
Regardless, Nastor's suggested role for Kazuma's party is: Spearhead. This means you'll fight side-by-side with Mitsubushi Kyouya and his party.
There's something else on Kazuma's mind: Nastor strikes him as suspicious, as the man didn't seem to even cringe or frown at Kazuma once despite the Brand of the Wretched. Even the likes of good-natured Wiz are subject to the Brand.
Either he is incredibly professional and can ignore such distractions, or the Brand recognizes Nastor as, "Powerful," therefore enabling Factional Mitigation's effects. It's not something Kazuma believes he'll need to investigate right away, but it'll be good to keep in mind - other than being a warrior, Nastor didn't reveal much about his abilities.
Make a choice on your combat role:
[ ] Agree - Become one of the main spearheads.
*Theoretically, the highest risk of death.
*But you don't really have to worry about that, do you? Your build is death-proof!
*Unless, of course, you somehow encounter an opponent who can apply a quantum timelock to prevent Subaru's Return by Death from doing anything from your relative timeline, which'd lead to Subaru's relative death.
As well as an opponent who can kill a person beyond all possibility of resurrection.
*But honestly, what are the odds of that?
*Easy glory and riches.
[ ] Disagree - Propose a different role, instead.
*What role, and why?
*Suspicious about Nastor, aren't you?
*Yeah, I'd be too.
*This dude wears armor from magenta glass.
*Magenta glass.
*Kazuma thinks that "Magenta Glass" would be a cool name for a Stand.
Furthermore, there has been moderate discussion on Discord and some of the users aided in beta-reading this chapter. Select an omake reward!
[ ] Power Injection - Every member of Retinue including Kazuma receives an infusion of 200 EXP as an automated boon of Progression. This is a weak option currently - if you let it stir and purchase it as an omake reward far in the future, it'll have accrued much more potential EXP by then!
[ ] Concurrency - The next boss opponent Kazuma's party encounters, whomever they should be, is fated to be Tired when meeting them. If the opponent can't be Tired, they lose 5% of their stats for five minutes instead. The party receives +10% EXP for defeating the next boss opponent.
[ ] Miss the Girl - The Goddess feels that, even if Kazuma is so cruel, it's kind of cute he's trying so hard to be productive. Also, his food is really good. ++Aqua relationship, +Aqua productivity, +Aqua happiness.
[ ] Death's Boomerang - +10% progress to the next Return by Death improvement, restore 1/10th of a random Authority. +Witch's Smell on Subaru, +Subaru relationship.
[ ] The Fellowship - A nondescript improvement to the Ring of Rebellion; minor but immediately useful. +Aqua relationship, +Subaru relationship.
[ ] Red Dawn II - The efficiency of Unstructured Magic mana conversion rate is increased by 5%.