You'd be the first to admit that you don't actually handle things all that well. Your other self keeps going about his life, and nothing really seems to change, and you... you should be happy with this. You should be glad that this isn't going the same direction as it did before.
But... you aren't convinced. Because your other self has no idea what to think at the moment, and it could get worse any minute.
It could... but it doesn't, and eventually you let yourself breathe easily, just a bit. Not much, but, well... enough.
And then Yukari-san moves in. And you realize that it was never your other self who was the danger.
As the child whose soul you share stares down at contents of the folder, looking at it but never really taking it in, you realize that maybe the name he gave you can still be accurate, no matter how much you hate it.
It doesn't have to be Shinjiro-san who's your enemy. "Kouha." The magic comes to you as easy as breathing, now.
Maybe easier. You never actually checked to see if you still had to breathe, being... more than a bit scared of the results, but the way the light shines through the child's fingertips... it's like it's the simplest thing in the world.
Your other self doesn't appreciate it quite as much as you do, but you're sure that, if he knew just what the man who gave you that folder was planning, he'd do the exact same thing.
Your other self decides to take the issue of his returned memories to someone from the Velvet Room. If not for the fact that things between the two of you still aren't great right now, you'd be more than happy to explain in detail why that's a bad idea.
It involves Megidolaon.
Of course, maybe you're a bit biased. Maybe spending so much time around Elizabeth-san gave you a less than favorable impression of the Room and its services. Lavenza actually seems relatively sensible, compared to her, but it's not like that'll ever be saying much.
But. Whatever your thoughts are. She actually helps, somewhat. Gets your other self to say something that you never managed to get around to.
You didn't really want Shinjiro-san to die, either. It just... seemed like the best thing to do at the time, and is a prime reason why you should never have been allowed to make your own decisions when you were eleven.
But it was only the other Ken who ever managed to say it out loud.
And then he decides to go talk to Shinjiro-san. A confrontation a year too early, or maybe later than it should have been. You don't know anymore. You thought you did, once, but whatever it was, you lost your grip on a long time ago.
If you ever knew to begin with. You still aren't too sure about that.
Still, just listening to him... he's doing pretty well for himself. "That's... actually the one thing I'm still sure of. I don't really know how I feel about all this... but I at least know that I don't want you to die. And... I thought you should know that, too." You wish he didn't have to say it outright like that.
You wish you'd ever gotten the chance to.
"...Why?" And it doesn't surprise you that he says this. For as long as you've known Shinjiro-san... as much as you can say you ever did... he's never seemed to think of his life as important. Even when you know just what will happen if he loses it.
You think that might be the part of this whole experience that hurts the most.
"Why not?"
"Because I deserve-" You can't let him finish that sentence. You can't.
"No, you don't!" You snap, trying not to cry, and failing more miserably than you ever have before. "It wouldn't make things better, either! It'd just hurt!" Your message doesn't seem to be sinking in. Time for the Freidyne option, then. "And it's not just me, either! Do you want Akihiko-san to lose another sibling?"
You immediately feel bad for saying it. But... Maybe Shinjiro-san needs to hear this. Neither version of you wants him to die. Neither does Akihiko-san. And while you don't really know what their sister was like, you don't think she'd want anything to happen to him, either.
And you need him to know that.
You think he starts staring at you, but it's pretty difficult to tell, with how hard you've been crying.
"Kid, how do you know about-?"
"That doesn't matter right now!" Nothing does, so long as you can get this one thing from him. "I just need you to promise me that you won't die. Please."
Nobody is really happy with this.
"I'm... really sorry about that," You try to apologize. "It's just... I had to say it. And once I started, it was impossible for me to stop." If you didn't get to the end, and something happened that would keep you from ever doing so... you don't think you could forgive yourself.
Not that you ever really have, but... you've been better.
"You... do a lot to defend Shinjiro-san," Your other self notes. He doesn't really sound like he's judging you, but... you can't help but feel that way. In their most basic forms, Justice and Judgement aren't all that far apart. "Why is that?"
You consider showing him. Of letting him live through that night, the one that told you you couldn't continue as you were, and gave you the strength to become something else.
But you can't. "I'd offer to show you, but... it's bad enough that one of us has to deal with it. Shinjiro-san... I owe him my life."
"Really?"
"Shadows don't lie." Except for you, and Teddie-san, but you don't think either of you have ever been all that great at it. You're both too honest for it. Maybe it's just part of your nature, except that brings up questions you don't actually want to know the answers to.
Even when you think you might know them already. "In my defense, I was an idiot when I was eleven." You shouldn't be saying this to someone who's a year younger than that, but... too late, now. Unless you mess with his memories again, and you don't think you're ever going to get a good opportunity for that again, even if you wanted to.
And you don't. Letting his trust in you falter was painful enough the first time.
"...That bad?"
"It was my fault. I hadn't really... thought things through. I mean, I did, but that doesn't really mean much when you forget the answer a few hours later." You don't know why you bothered pointing that out. It's not like he's ever going to understand it. "And I was about to do something I'd regret, and that would make everyone else hate me, because who joins a team of Persona Users just to kill somebody?"
The other you doesn't respond. You think he might be in shock. Even if you're sure he'd guessed already that you had something to do with it. "Of course, I might have been a dumb kid, but I wasn't that dumb. I figured things out again... about five minutes before it ended up being a moot point, because I managed to get Shinjiro-san killed anyway. And- and he didn't- He didn't even blame me for it."
He should have. You're the one who called him out there. The one who basically stole whatever will to live he still had.
The one he died to save. "Nemi-"
"Do- do you know why I was so upset, earlier? Last time, the last thing he said was- was that things were supposed to be that way. Like- like it would actually fix things." And it didn't. All it did was make things worse, and he didn't even have to be around to see it happen.
"Nemi-"
"So, there I was, having just decided I wanted him to live, and then he decides to tell me I was wrong, and that I might as well have killed him anyway, never mind that I was eleven-"
"Nemesis!" Your rant cuts off, replaced with the overwhelming urge to tell your other self that's not your name, but... it is. And there's no changing it. Not with how things are now. You doubt that 'Kala-Nemi' holds any sort of meaning to him.
And until it does... You'll never be anything more than the reason your Shinjiro-san is dead.
Akihiko-san finds out about the time travel. It sort of surprises you, but not really. Ignoring his little breakdown while you were in middle school, he's always been more observant than he lets on.
...Well, so long as it doesn't involve social situations. You think those might still be a lost cause.
But he doesn't tell Shinjiro-san. You'd almost expected him to, but... you suppose you weren't all that subtle about the fact that the version of him you once knew had no surviving family.
It sort of explains why he has Caesar, anyway.
The evening of October third, like a lot of evenings when you don't have anything else to do, are spent wandering through the twisting corridors of your messed-up mind.
Unlike most times, you're not alone. "I dunno why you came back here today," Shinjiro-san remarks, sounding remarkably nonchalant for somebody with a hole in his chest. "If you don't want to deal with things that bother you, stop surrounding yourself with them." For a figment of your imagination, he gives surprisingly good advice. Even if you promptly ignore it.
"Oh, does that mean you're leaving, then?" You try and joke, pretend that the bloodstains on his coat don't bother you immensely.
You don't think it works all that well, but you probably weren't going to get very far trying to hide that bit from yourself in the first place. "Kid, if I'm the part of this you have the most problem with, you really need to rethink your priorities." As if on cue, a massive bird of light flies by in front of the two of you, following the paths of light set out for it.
"Well, it is sort of the anniversary of your death." If it can be called an anniversary when it hasn't even happened yet, but you're not about to start arguing semantics with the Shadow equivalent of an imaginary friend. "...Please don't make me actually explain why this is a bad thing." He's all in your head, he should be able to figure it out.
Besides. Having to say it even once is one time too many.
Shinjiro-san sighs, and despite knowing that he's just your cognition, you find yourself wondering what he's thinking. "Yeah. I get it. We both messed up."
You're almost to the door out. You don't need any sort of company anymore. "I don't know why you say it's both of us. You're not even real."
Sadly, despite everything that fictional media has taught you, saying those words doesn't make him disappear. Despite how much you wish he had, because Shinjiro-san always has to get the last word in.
"And you are?"
You try pushing it out of your mind for a while. It works pretty well, though it helps that your other self doesn't particularly want to think about the past, either, even if he doesn't know about your little existential crisis.
The Shinjiro-san on the outside is actually pretty helpful about this. Yours, however, is basically a nightmare brought to life as your imaginary friend. It's probably not even hyperbole, you're positive that's exactly what he is. But that Shinjiro-san only shows up whenever you're stressed out to begin with, so it was only to be expected, really.
You throw yourself into the other Ken's life wholeheartedly, desperate for distraction. And, for a long time, it works.
And then Makoto-san shows up.
It's going to take a while to put your mind back the way it was before, you couldn't really protect anything outside your bedroom from the mental equivalent of a powerful earthquake. You should be able to fix it, given time, but... well... you've saved the important bits. And at least you can probably convince Shinjiro-san to help you fix everything else.
"You know, just because I'm all in your head, that doesn't necessarily mean you should be letting me poke through the rest of it." Okay, he might have a point. Letting the embodiment of your repressed guilt mess around with everything else isn't necessarily going to make things better. But that doesn't mean it has to make things worse, either. Not after last night.
And not when it helps your other self to come to a decision. One you wish he'd made earlier, but better late than never. Or half a year early, you guess, you never did figure out how this whole thing was supposed to work.
But you hate the name he gave you, are more ashamed of why you have it than you ever thought it was possible to be, and now he understands why. And even if he doesn't know how to change, you think that just might be a good first step.
If only you could do the same.
