Ever since the last trip to Tartarus, Fuuka had been feeling strange. Like there was something she was missing, that would be important for everyone to know.
She tried to ignore that feeling. Dwelling on it wasn't going to solve anything. What was important was working with everything she already knew, because she could extrapolate based on that, and whatever Lucia was showing her next. She was good at extrapolating.
All this was doing was causing her to stress out without any way of fixing things.
"If you need to relax, why not go see a movie?" Yukari suggested. The field leader of SEES always felt so confident, it was easy to trust her advice. The film festival had ended for the year, but that didn't mean there wasn't something nice to watch.
Just watch, and see what happens.
...It didn't work. She could invest herself in the story, while she was there, but once she left, it all came flooding back. Just walking through the theater doors was enough to cause that strange disorientation.
She'd need to find another way.
Thankfully, the Cooking Club was the same as ever. She could make edible food now, even if it didn't always come out tasting the best. Any mistakes she made were ones caused by distraction.
But once the oven timer was set, as long as it didn't break again, distraction could be allowed for a bit. "So what did you all think of that announcement last week?" Natsuki asked.
Last week, Liz had helped one of her friends get into the PA system. Fuuka understood that much, even if she'd been frustratingly evasive on why she'd did it. The contents of the announcement had at least provided some context. "I think... she must have gotten desperate, to make an announcement like that." Because who would subject themself to that sort of scrutiny unless the consequences for not doing so were worse?
It might have blown over if she'd left it alone, but who knows if she had enough time for that?
"Yeah... the worst thing is, I kind of believe her. The people I hung out with in middle school did some really messed up shit." Natsuki had also participated in that, but Fuuka tactfully declined to bring that up. They both remembered it, and things were different now. What was the point of bringing up bad memories?
"They did catch the creep who was spying on girls' sports," Shinjiro remarked. "And by 'they,' I mean the Photo Club. Teachers weren't any use."
"How did they do that?" Nozomi was now paying more attention to people than his mixing bowl. This almost never happened.
"Apparently, the guy got lazy and started printing his pictures in the school darkroom." That would lead to getting caught easily, wouldn't it?
It occurred to Fuuka that, even without Tartarus, Gekkoukan High was always going to be an interesting place. "He didn't move to digital?"
"Have you seen how expensive good film is?" Natsuki pointed out. "I'd want to use all of it I could... just, you know, for normal things."
Normal... Fuuka would only ever be able to take pictures of normal things. Her digital camera didn't work in the Dark Hour, and a pinhole camera wouldn't create an image in color. Shadows wouldn't stay still long enough to get a good exposure. She wouldn't be able to save those memories.
Would we want to?
It probably didn't matter. She wouldn't be able to forget this year either way. And a lot of her friends knew about it, so she wouldn't have to prove its existence to others.
But now that the idea had occurred to her, she was always going to wonder what it might have changed.
The full moon was almost a disaster.
Intellectually, Fuuka knew it wasn't her fault. Keeping the team in formation was not her responsibility. It wasn't even remotely close to her responsibility. Her responsibility was to make reports on events that were happening, not try and control other people's actions on the battlefield.
But the one who broke off had been Ken, and Ken was just eleven, and she just kept thinking about that.
Mitsuru listened to her panicking, which was sort of weird. She wasn't particularly close with Mitsuru.
But Mitsuru was close to Ken, and that meant something. "I think the only thing we could have done differently was forbid him from coming along." She was busily inspecting the stocks of microwave yakisoba, which hardly anyone ate because it made a huge mess all over the kitchen. "Given what day it was, things went incredibly well."
October fourth... The relevance had been mentioned, on rare occasions, but Fuuka never put much thought to it. It was a date that just happened to have had something bad happen on it.
It had also happened to be a full moon.
When she reminded herself of that, it became more of a relief that disaster hadn't struck. "If you looked from outside, you'd never know there was anything different." Really, none of them should have been as well-adjusted as they were.
"You wouldn't." Mitsuru's gaze was fixed on something Fuuka couldn't see, despite how her whole power was sight. "Sometimes, I think about the disasters that may have been averted just by being ourselves. I'll never know, but I want to think this is one of the better outcomes."
It doesn't matter how bad the world is, as long as we're living in the best possible one.
She wanted to think that, too.
But what did it say that, even in the best world she could imagine for herself, they still came this close to the edge of disaster?
When disaster actually struck, that also involved Ken. He'd tried his best to avert it, but it hadn't been enough.
But Fuuka wasn't thinking about that.
She was thinking about how she'd never seen someone die before.
She hadn't realized how much blood there was in the human body. She hadn't known what intestines looked like. She'd seen what swords could to to Shadows, but not what they could do to a regular human being. And she hadn't been able to look away.
It made her parents' disappointment easier to deal with, at least. She knew she'd never be able to make it as a doctor.
"How am I going to explain this?" Officer Kurosawa asked. It was probably a rhetorical question.
But if she hadn't been able to do anything in the moment, she could at least help with the aftermath. "Her friend said... her parents didn't want her to come home. Maybe you could do something with that." She'd never met the Hasegawas, but she already didn't like them.
That could have been us.
Her own parents hadn't thought much about the night she'd been stuck in Tartarus, either.
If it weren't for Shinjiro and Natsuki, she would have ended up like Saori.
She tried not to consider that very often. Maybe she needed to do it a bit more.
"You know, if anything, I should be thanking you guys." For Natsuki's final day in the club, they were making cheesecake. It was questionable if any of it would turn out good to eat, but it meant she'd be leaving with either good food or a funny story. "If it wasn't for this club... I'd still be the bitch I was at the start of high school."
"I- I think you woul d have turned around eventually." Fuuka wanted to think it, at least. She seemed a lot happier the way she was now, even if she still ended up in the occasional fight with a fangirl.
"Yeah, but... maybe I wouldn't. And then... well, you've heard the things people were saying about that girl who died last week. If I was one of them, and then I left, and that was how people remembered me..."
Then there wouldn't be any sadness about her leaving. There wouldn't be any dismay at the announcement, or promises to keep in touch, or tentative attempts at cheesecake.
...Well, there might still have been cake. But not for a good reason.
"I mean, they might have forgotten all about it," Shinjiro said. "If you don't stand out in particular, you're just another face."
"Is that any better?"
That was a question Fuuka was undisputedly not qualified to answer. She didn't think she stood out much, aside from who she associated with, and that was still enough to spend a night in Tartarus. Maybe being notable didn't matter as much as people thought it did. "I think... it only matters if you're happy with who you are, Natsuki-chan." She hadn't been happy being that kind of person, but that part could be left unsaid.
Natsuki nodded along. "Fuuka-chan... you should take your own advice sometimes."
"My... own advice?"
"You've been really stressed out recently. I can't say I know what you're going through, but... as long as you're still you, I think it'll turn out all right." It was easier to believe that from Natsuki than anyone else. Maybe because she didn't say nice things a lot, so she could be sure she meant it.
"...Thanks." She'd close her eyes to compose herself, but it wouldn't do anything. She'd still be able to see everything around her. She was sure she'd be able to convince Juno to stop eventually, but it had been less than half an hour. She'd let her have her fun. "Just... you're not talking about the cheesecake, right?"
"...Yeah, there is such a thing as having too much faith in someone, isn't there?"
The cheesecake actually turned out not terrible. It wasn't perfect, but it could be sliced, and the whole thing had the same texture.
It was progress.