Shards of a Broken Sun [Deprecated; see link in final post for remake]
- Thread starter Baughn
- Start date
- Crossover Sci-Fi
Oh, of course.
We need a diagnostic on why the Exaltation feels
Edit: Going back to this
Above all else, the fact that the Exaltation possesses emotion is a sign of infection from "the fungus" or some other related cause. It'd be ridiculous to assume that it's not related to Amu's souls attempts to adapt to it on some level or another.
We need a diagnostic on why the Exaltation feels
Edit: Going back to this
Above all else, the fact that the Exaltation possesses emotion is a sign of infection from "the fungus" or some other related cause. It'd be ridiculous to assume that it's not related to Amu's souls attempts to adapt to it on some level or another.
Except that's not really that much of an issue. By the time we can adapt, relevant beings of power will be able to maneuver around it regardless. May as well focus on less esoteric stuff and more on projects that can yield more immediate resultsveekie said:
There's more than adapting, we need to know, in character, that they can maneuver around it in ways that the Primordials couldn't. That's a very fundamental thing the Exaltation doesn't know, and was one of the direct causes of nearly fucking up the Seal.TehChron said:
Yeah, but that's the kind of thing that isnt going to be relevant for awhile yetveekie said:
Unless we plan actively using the Dragon Stream to cockblock Polaris directly, that stuff wont matter until we see the paygrade that Noctune brings to bear.
We're also operating based on emulating Creation for Amu related physics. The emulation is buggy, which stems from not knowing local physics well enough. This extends to all charm development and research we'd be doing, and even the other strangeness stems from local physics differences as well. How do you customize an effect which changes local physics to get an outcome without knowing your starting point?TehChron said:
Right now, we have a very brief period of calm to study and consider what we're going to do next, instead of just wrenching at the controls directly to achieve an outcome.
That's what Dia does for us, by acting as a guidebook for the Exaltation on Megaten physics. Its something worth looking into later when we move onto shaping and other bigger things, but for now it's just not that big a priority. The fungus as well, or whatever else is affecting the Exaltation, can yield even more comprehensive answers on the differences between Creation and Amu related physics by virtue of comparing it's previous state to it's current one, and then hashing out the differences and figuring out their causes and effects.veekie said:
While also being significantly more relevant, since it's directly related to the Exaltation itself, not a patchwork guesstimation of how charms would work. Solar Exaltation #60 is it's own best test bed at this point and time, and with plenty of opportunities for growth as an individual as well.
I don't think it got forgotten, it just didn't have any actual errors with it, just a latency warning. So there were no additional actions taken/feedback given. If we want to improve on that, it's probably the "generalised search for internal errors" option.TehChron said:
And please don't quote the entire thing. Especially when you quoted some sections twice.
Anyway...
[X] Interrogate your Reality Engine for possible issues.
We know that the Reality Engine isn't good enough to shrug off stuff here as it could in Creation. Let's see if we can improve on that.
It's possible what I want to do (improve on the way the Exaltation understands/interfaces with the new world) is actually "take an up-close look at the world around you". If so I'll switch my vote over.
Alectai
Speaks Words of Wisdom... On occasion
Welp, no WildStar tonight, so I can use up my stored power. I think TehChron is onto something here.
Here's a tentative early stunt.
[X] Focus on understanding Amu's soul
[X] --Typically, a mortal's Soul is limited in how much Essence it can grasp on it's own. With time and familiarity, it is possible for an Exaltation to bridge the gap, but you are not familiar with any other way to increase it to the level possible. A detailed analysis on the methods her own soul has used to reach this level, as well as a detailed examination of the currently obscure details, may yield useful insights, as well as allow you to tailor your own assistance to better match your Host, and potentially improve efficiencies in other departments as well.
He's not wrong. Amu's Soul did our job For us, it took the Essence Boost from "Glory to the Most High", remembered it, and grew back into that state. I mean, mechanically, we know what happened--Amu accomplished her Motivation, which makes you eligible for an instant Essence Upgrade, but the fact that she did this Without assistance from the Exaltation strikes me as being significant. I don't feel that Baughn would have the Exaltation take note of this if it wasn't something important.TehChron said:
Here's a tentative early stunt.
[X] Focus on understanding Amu's soul
[X] --Typically, a mortal's Soul is limited in how much Essence it can grasp on it's own. With time and familiarity, it is possible for an Exaltation to bridge the gap, but you are not familiar with any other way to increase it to the level possible. A detailed analysis on the methods her own soul has used to reach this level, as well as a detailed examination of the currently obscure details, may yield useful insights, as well as allow you to tailor your own assistance to better match your Host, and potentially improve efficiencies in other departments as well.
Baughn
Healing-type writer
- Location
- Dublin
Just one point, and you may already realise this, but - no data was actually lost. The #1 memory bank was lost, then resilvered from #2.TehChron said:
Figured it was off.#3, actually. Thanks for that.Baughn said:
Anyway, I like Alectais stunt, but Amus souls ability to affect or influence the Exaltation should be looked into as well. From what I can tell, that really shouldnt be possible in the first place
More rambling before I step away for a bit, ignore and/or eviscerate this if I'm misremembering something, etc.
Can't quite put things together in my head properly, but I'll lay out what I can: One of the things the Shard does is to protect Amu's mind from damage. The Shard opted to try and take more of the burden upon itself to spare Amu during the Conception. Chara are created from dreams and desires, and I would imagine Amu was in pressing need of something to assist with the mental strain she was under.
Baughn's noted that the Nyarly stuff was from the perspective of a would-be fifth Chara; unstable, harmed by an inappropriate charm(assuming DAP), and would have dissolved entirely without outside assistance.
Recommend going over the Nyarly stuff again, particularly the second half of the second part; also some potentially relevant invisitext in the 20:30 update.
Current guess: Fifth Chara was formed around the Shard, Shard's willingness to take up Amu's burdens gave it a path in. Mostly -but not entirely- faded. Might be possible to rebuild.
Can't quite put things together in my head properly, but I'll lay out what I can: One of the things the Shard does is to protect Amu's mind from damage. The Shard opted to try and take more of the burden upon itself to spare Amu during the Conception. Chara are created from dreams and desires, and I would imagine Amu was in pressing need of something to assist with the mental strain she was under.
Baughn's noted that the Nyarly stuff was from the perspective of a would-be fifth Chara; unstable, harmed by an inappropriate charm(assuming DAP), and would have dissolved entirely without outside assistance.
Recommend going over the Nyarly stuff again, particularly the second half of the second part; also some potentially relevant invisitext in the 20:30 update.
Current guess: Fifth Chara was formed around the Shard, Shard's willingness to take up Amu's burdens gave it a path in. Mostly -but not entirely- faded. Might be possible to rebuild.
My megaten and exalted-fu isn't that incredible but from what I've seen, Amu has a very malleable soul with a very high capacity of using power thrown at it. I'm guessing that during Conception whenever parts of the exaltation shard failed, Amu's soul tried (and sometimes succeded) in filling in the gaps. The fungus is probably the leftover structures.
Like training a neural network - Amu operated in a state where physics was suspended for who knows how long, if time is even applicable. The patterns the shard fed her + the amount of channeled power must've allowed her to begin emulating the shard in certain aspects.
Like training a neural network - Amu operated in a state where physics was suspended for who knows how long, if time is even applicable. The patterns the shard fed her + the amount of channeled power must've allowed her to begin emulating the shard in certain aspects.
[X] Focus on understanding Amu's soul
[X] --Typically, a mortal's Soul is limited in how much Essence it can grasp on it's own. With time and familiarity, it is possible for an Exaltation to bridge the gap, but you are not familiar with any other way to increase it to the level possible. A detailed analysis on the methods her own soul has used to reach this level, as well as a detailed examination of the currently obscure details, may yield useful insights, as well as allow you to tailor your own assistance to better match your Host, and potentially improve efficiencies in other departments as well.
[X] --Typically, a mortal's Soul is limited in how much Essence it can grasp on it's own. With time and familiarity, it is possible for an Exaltation to bridge the gap, but you are not familiar with any other way to increase it to the level possible. A detailed analysis on the methods her own soul has used to reach this level, as well as a detailed examination of the currently obscure details, may yield useful insights, as well as allow you to tailor your own assistance to better match your Host, and potentially improve efficiencies in other departments as well.
Alectai
Speaks Words of Wisdom... On occasion
So, on further examination... I'm pretty happy with the write-in I came up with last night. By figuring out exactly how she did something that should be impossible, we might be able to learn ways to stretch our limits a bit more.
For those of you who aren't big on Exalted? Essence 3 is the maximum mortal cap. As in "You don't go higher then this without becoming Something Other". An Exaltation can push that limit with either great time and focus, or during moments of Satori (Justified by accomplishing an appropriate Motivation). That the Essence 4 growth came from her side is Very interesting, and figuring out how she did it may give us more insight onto how her soul works then simply poking it and see how it reacts.
It might also be connected with the "Fungus" in a way as well.
For those of you who aren't big on Exalted? Essence 3 is the maximum mortal cap. As in "You don't go higher then this without becoming Something Other". An Exaltation can push that limit with either great time and focus, or during moments of Satori (Justified by accomplishing an appropriate Motivation). That the Essence 4 growth came from her side is Very interesting, and figuring out how she did it may give us more insight onto how her soul works then simply poking it and see how it reacts.
It might also be connected with the "Fungus" in a way as well.
[x] Alectai
I can see why it's surprising for the exaltation, but Amu's soul doing ridiculous amounts of growth really isn't that surprising OCC. From what we see in the games a Megaten human can go from a complete mundane, not really even a heroic mortal, to enslaving third circle demons and fighting Creator Deities in a matter of weeks with no assistance other than the COMP. That kind of growth makes even solars look extremely slow.
I can see why it's surprising for the exaltation, but Amu's soul doing ridiculous amounts of growth really isn't that surprising OCC. From what we see in the games a Megaten human can go from a complete mundane, not really even a heroic mortal, to enslaving third circle demons and fighting Creator Deities in a matter of weeks with no assistance other than the COMP. That kind of growth makes even solars look extremely slow.
Black Impulse: Sunday's Melancholy: 5
Baughn
Healing-type writer
- Location
- Dublin
Black Impulse
Sunday's Melancholy, 18:25
"Of course I'm your daughter, Mom -"
Your voice breaks, and you take half a step backwards. Why would she ask you that? It's a hurtful, horrible question, and you can't believe Mom would look at you like that - you can hardly even identify the emotions you feel, let alone control them - this isn't supposed to happen!
"Matou?"
It hurts, almost like being shot. No, worse than being shot. You grit your teeth and try to push it away, but it doesn't go away - it should be going away - why does thinking about it just make it worse?
"Matou - come back, I'm sorry -"
Come back?
Oh. You've backed up until you're nearly back in the kitchen, well away from Mom. You tremble, caught between desires to flee and to stay. It's too much - these are Rock's feelings, and you'd already decided not to let them in, but you can't control them. You can't even comprehend them, it's all you can do to hang on to your sense of self - but that sense doesn't allow this storm of emotions -
Mom looks uncertain. Confused. You would have preferred for her to take the first step, but it doesn't look like she knows what to do. Taking a deep breath, you forcibly clamp down on your emotions; you won't deny their existence, but there's really only one approach that's acceptable here. This, too, is a form of battle.
"I'm still me," you say. Quietly, but with a confidence you don't really feel. You look down, studying your hands instead of looking at Mom; they're pale, perfect like a doll's hands, and without any sign of life, but they're still your hands. Even though this is Rock's body, these are still the hands you've had all your life. You'd know them anywhere.
Letting out a sigh, and riding a wave of you don't know what, you step forwards - back towards Mom, who looks terribly guilty. She reacts by enfolding you in a hug, which you half-heartedly reciprocate. You feel bad for making her worry, but you also feel angry, and rejected, and other emotions you have no name for. You can't trust yourself to speak, and it entirely spoils the moment.
At least a minute passes before anyone says anything.
"I don't understand," Mom whispers. "You're never this emotional. What happened to you?"
You flinch. Yes, of course she'd notice that, but did she have to put it that way?
"It's a long story," you say. "I'll tell you, just let me finish before you say it can't happen." Please, don't hate me. Don't leave me alone.
"It started many years ago, when Dad finally left us. You were devastated, but I didn't really understand, and I did my best to cheer you up without ever being sad myself -"
You draw a deep breath.
"That was actually a lie."
"After I started… there was never a good time to stop pretending. You never quite recovered, and there was always something else, some reason to keep pretending I was fine. Eventually I even started thinking it was true; that was about when Rock appeared. You know I was bullied, right?" Mom nods, and you frown unhappily. Those memories feel worse, looking back at them, than it felt to live through the bullying. You never had any friends before Yuu. Your classmates pronounced you creepy, seeing through your emotional blunting in a way no adults except perhaps Saya ever managed, and then - well, you never hated your bullies, but that was when your dreams of Rock changed from an occasional diversion to an everyday affair. You never even felt anger afterwards.
"Rock was my salvation, in a sense. She took on all my burdens."
She took on parts of your mind along with the burdens. The more you lost, the easier it became to give her even more of yourself - the less you understood what you were losing…
I'm not sure I appreciate the way your thoughts are going. What happened to staying separate?
If that was going to work, then Rock wouldn't be talking the way she is.
It isn't working. It hasn't even been an hour, but I can't tell where Matou stops and Rock starts anymore. Sometimes I can't tell whose thought is whose. I know why you didn't want us to become one, and I know I used to agree, but when I look back at my own memories and feel the same way for the same reason -
A girl - well, your own younger self - is sitting in her classroom, studiously reading while her classmates are stage-whispering around her. The insults fly thickly, 'she makes me sick' the least painful among them, but the girl doesn't seem to care. Then one of the bullies escalates to grabbing her textbook, and the girl just sits there, unable to respond. If it had been for the sake of the bullies - oh, but she doesn't see what they're doing as a problem, doesn't even feel annoyance at the loss of her book. Her mother just sighs when she tells her she needs a new one, claiming she lost it on the bus so her bullies won't feel bad.
It's a disgusting spectacle, but at least half the disgust is reserved for your own way of ignoring the problem. Rock is right; you should have gotten back at them. They would never have won an actual fight, when not a single one of them did anything more strenuous than walking to school.
Rock remains silent, and it feels like you're the one choosing not to argue against yourself, but then the feeling fades; she's holding herself aloof, to the small degree she's able. You try to continue your explanation, but you can't manage any kind of detachment.
"I lost every negative emotion, everything I didn't think a "good girl" was supposed to feel. It worked, sure, but the cost - sometimes I was barely there at all -" So close, too close, you might have ended up like Yuu… sadness mixes with retrospective terror, and you raise your voice until you're nearly screaming, using the anger you feel at Mom's obliviousness to avoid breaking down in tears "- Didn't you ever think it was odd? I never complained, never cried, not even when they started physically assaulting me and I came home covered in scrapes! It wasn't maturity. I was ten, Mom, ten! What kind of ten-year-old just shrugs off that kind of thing?"
If it hadn't been for Yuu, you would have ended up like Yuu, and the irony of that isn't lost on you. She - Strength - your best friend - she never told you why she befriended you, forcing her way past every defence and filling your life with the kind of laughter and companionship you wouldn't want to discard, but even at the end of her life she never explained any part of what she knew. It's entirely possible that she'd seen what was happening, and decided to stop it. If so, you're eternally grateful, but for the sake of your dead friend you desperately hope it wasn't. She always seemed to enjoy your presence, and you wish you could be sure that wasn't just a show of happiness designed to keep you there.
You lower your voice to a near-whisper. "Yuu was my first real friend. Then I ran into other girls with the same kind of problem, and I was somehow able to help them. They all became great friends. It… hasn't been so bad, I guess, for the last year and a half." Only because you were unable to feel the depths of despair you should have felt at "Yuu's" death, admittedly, but still. "I was even starting to figure some of this out, until… well."
You sigh. "I already told you what happened today, but I guess I didn't tell you this. Everything I pushed off on Rock is starting to come back to me, and I guess, I - I'm not really used to feeling that kind of emotion anymore, but I don't want to…"
What? What don't you want?
I'll say it.
"I don't want to go back to the way I was. I want to be the way I should have been. Even if that means getting meaner, even if it means I'll see the things that are broken… I'm still me, and I'll still be me. Still your daughter, just… more of me."
Admitting it takes all your courage, because in a sense you're saying you'll stand by and watch yourself being erased. Is that really what you want? No, but what choice do I have?
You don't want to go back to the way you were, either. Rock is still scarily passionate, and you wouldn't mind if you could stay the way you are right now, but to willingly become that doll again? No, that isn't something you can imagine doing.
…
"…So now you know," you say, then lapse into silence. Please, let her believe.
"- Heh." Mom snorts, and you feel your heart sinking, but she quickly continues.
"No, sorry. I was just reminded of something your uncle said, once. It isn't relevant." She leans backwards, putting her hands behind her head. "God, this is crazy, but I think the craziest part is that I believe you. Even if you hadn't shown up looking like this… there were plenty of signs, weren't there?"
You cautiously nod, then shake your head. "Maybe there were, but I didn't really notice myself."
"Still." Mom looks troubled. "I told myself you didn't understand, then I told myself you were unusually mature. Those two don't go together, do they? But at the time, I was so happy you were an easy child to raise. Everyone says teenagers are supposed to be trouble, and you never were." She smiles. "The way you're acting right now is closer to what I'd been expecting, minus the fear. Please don't be afraid, Matou; I'm never going to reject you."
You feel a knot you didn't realise was there loosening, and - bizarrely - start crying. Mom puts an arm around you, pulling you in, and only stalls momentarily when that attempt leads to pulling you entirely off the couch. You end up on her lap, for the first time since Dad left, which somehow loosens the waterworks further.
Mom might not know what to do with a ghost-like overly-emotional daughter, but she knows what to do with a distraught child on her lap. You sigh, and curl up further, as she starts running her hand through your hair.
Come to think of it, you saw your brother in this position no later than yesterday. Speaking of which -
"What do we tell Hiro?" You wonder. Your brother might show up at any time, and - actually, this would be a really embarrassing pose if he does -
"Hiro, eh…"
You smirk, and state in a lilting tone, "You're going to run out of power, you know."
Hiro jerks, making a surprised exclamation. "Aah! Sis, I told you to knock!" Then, despairingly, "I died. Half an hour, gone."
Your eyebrows twitch. "You can complain about that once it happens for real. Now, come on. Dinner."
"Yeah, yeah," he grumbles. Then he looks up and sees your appearance. You've finally changed back to regular clothing, but that really just draws more attention to your paleness. "Wha - Sis! You're all white, what happened to you?"
"I died," you flatly tell him, then turn around and walk out of the room.
"Eeh? You're a ghost?" You hear from behind you. Hiro quickly catches up and grabs your hand, then pouts. "You're way too solid to be a ghost. Stop making fun of me!"
"No, no, I got better." You laugh softly and impulsively ruffle his hair, causing him to stumble and complain childishly at you. You're pretty sure it's the first time you've done that, but you immediately decide it's fun to mess with him.
And that's all there is to it. Hiro simply doesn't care what you look like, he only cares that you're his big sister - though he quickly starts complaining about your new attitude. You could probably hold back on that, you just don't feel like it; both you and Rock have a great deal of fun.
It would be nice to think that the same is true for Mom, but there's still a lot you haven't told her. What happened to Yuu, the details of what happened to your other friends, your own apparent ability to materialise guns from thin air, plus your ability to use them. All the violent bits of the story, in other words. With any luck that won't come up.
"- An anonymous tip from the JSDF has informed us that Dubhe's defeat is largely thanks to a newly acquired special asset, whose actions ensured victory at a far smaller cost than expected, but did not provide further details. We nevertheless urge parents to send their children out of the room, as the scenes we are about to show are extremely violent."
You watch the footage from Kobe in relative silence.
"You were close to that - thing," Mom says faintly.
You quickly shake your head, more than a little shook up yourself. "It wasn't like that. I was mostly running away -" dodging is technically running away, right? "- and it didn't use nearly that much force. It seemed almost casual, in comparison, when I saw it."
You wonder if you would have survived a direct hit from the more powerful beams it used against that artillery barrage, or even the kind of glancing hit you did survive. Either way, looking at what it took to kill it… it's a bit of a relief, actually. It's far beyond anything you could do on your own, which means your failure to kill it isn't your own fault.
"Well… thank God it's dead now," Mom says. You jerkily nod. Maybe, maybe you're better off now, but certainly none of its other victims are.
A/N: Actually, there were paths through this conversation which would have led to precisely that rejection, but telling you that wouldn't have fit in the role of being a good parent. Good going, guys.
This marks the end of Matou's Sunday. If you like, you can suggest ways to spend the time tomorrow - school's out for the moment - but otherwise you'll see her again once some event in the main plot starts affecting her.
Sunday's Melancholy, 18:25
"Of course I'm your daughter, Mom -"
Your voice breaks, and you take half a step backwards. Why would she ask you that? It's a hurtful, horrible question, and you can't believe Mom would look at you like that - you can hardly even identify the emotions you feel, let alone control them - this isn't supposed to happen!
"Matou?"
It hurts, almost like being shot. No, worse than being shot. You grit your teeth and try to push it away, but it doesn't go away - it should be going away - why does thinking about it just make it worse?
"Matou - come back, I'm sorry -"
Come back?
Oh. You've backed up until you're nearly back in the kitchen, well away from Mom. You tremble, caught between desires to flee and to stay. It's too much - these are Rock's feelings, and you'd already decided not to let them in, but you can't control them. You can't even comprehend them, it's all you can do to hang on to your sense of self - but that sense doesn't allow this storm of emotions -
Mom looks uncertain. Confused. You would have preferred for her to take the first step, but it doesn't look like she knows what to do. Taking a deep breath, you forcibly clamp down on your emotions; you won't deny their existence, but there's really only one approach that's acceptable here. This, too, is a form of battle.
"I'm still me," you say. Quietly, but with a confidence you don't really feel. You look down, studying your hands instead of looking at Mom; they're pale, perfect like a doll's hands, and without any sign of life, but they're still your hands. Even though this is Rock's body, these are still the hands you've had all your life. You'd know them anywhere.
Letting out a sigh, and riding a wave of you don't know what, you step forwards - back towards Mom, who looks terribly guilty. She reacts by enfolding you in a hug, which you half-heartedly reciprocate. You feel bad for making her worry, but you also feel angry, and rejected, and other emotions you have no name for. You can't trust yourself to speak, and it entirely spoils the moment.
At least a minute passes before anyone says anything.
"I don't understand," Mom whispers. "You're never this emotional. What happened to you?"
You flinch. Yes, of course she'd notice that, but did she have to put it that way?
"It's a long story," you say. "I'll tell you, just let me finish before you say it can't happen." Please, don't hate me. Don't leave me alone.
"It started many years ago, when Dad finally left us. You were devastated, but I didn't really understand, and I did my best to cheer you up without ever being sad myself -"
You draw a deep breath.
"That was actually a lie."
———————
You've returned to the couch, where you're telling your story to a seemingly attentive Mom."After I started… there was never a good time to stop pretending. You never quite recovered, and there was always something else, some reason to keep pretending I was fine. Eventually I even started thinking it was true; that was about when Rock appeared. You know I was bullied, right?" Mom nods, and you frown unhappily. Those memories feel worse, looking back at them, than it felt to live through the bullying. You never had any friends before Yuu. Your classmates pronounced you creepy, seeing through your emotional blunting in a way no adults except perhaps Saya ever managed, and then - well, you never hated your bullies, but that was when your dreams of Rock changed from an occasional diversion to an everyday affair. You never even felt anger afterwards.
"Rock was my salvation, in a sense. She took on all my burdens."
She took on parts of your mind along with the burdens. The more you lost, the easier it became to give her even more of yourself - the less you understood what you were losing…
I'm not sure I appreciate the way your thoughts are going. What happened to staying separate?
If that was going to work, then Rock wouldn't be talking the way she is.
It isn't working. It hasn't even been an hour, but I can't tell where Matou stops and Rock starts anymore. Sometimes I can't tell whose thought is whose. I know why you didn't want us to become one, and I know I used to agree, but when I look back at my own memories and feel the same way for the same reason -
A girl - well, your own younger self - is sitting in her classroom, studiously reading while her classmates are stage-whispering around her. The insults fly thickly, 'she makes me sick' the least painful among them, but the girl doesn't seem to care. Then one of the bullies escalates to grabbing her textbook, and the girl just sits there, unable to respond. If it had been for the sake of the bullies - oh, but she doesn't see what they're doing as a problem, doesn't even feel annoyance at the loss of her book. Her mother just sighs when she tells her she needs a new one, claiming she lost it on the bus so her bullies won't feel bad.
It's a disgusting spectacle, but at least half the disgust is reserved for your own way of ignoring the problem. Rock is right; you should have gotten back at them. They would never have won an actual fight, when not a single one of them did anything more strenuous than walking to school.
Rock remains silent, and it feels like you're the one choosing not to argue against yourself, but then the feeling fades; she's holding herself aloof, to the small degree she's able. You try to continue your explanation, but you can't manage any kind of detachment.
"I lost every negative emotion, everything I didn't think a "good girl" was supposed to feel. It worked, sure, but the cost - sometimes I was barely there at all -" So close, too close, you might have ended up like Yuu… sadness mixes with retrospective terror, and you raise your voice until you're nearly screaming, using the anger you feel at Mom's obliviousness to avoid breaking down in tears "- Didn't you ever think it was odd? I never complained, never cried, not even when they started physically assaulting me and I came home covered in scrapes! It wasn't maturity. I was ten, Mom, ten! What kind of ten-year-old just shrugs off that kind of thing?"
If it hadn't been for Yuu, you would have ended up like Yuu, and the irony of that isn't lost on you. She - Strength - your best friend - she never told you why she befriended you, forcing her way past every defence and filling your life with the kind of laughter and companionship you wouldn't want to discard, but even at the end of her life she never explained any part of what she knew. It's entirely possible that she'd seen what was happening, and decided to stop it. If so, you're eternally grateful, but for the sake of your dead friend you desperately hope it wasn't. She always seemed to enjoy your presence, and you wish you could be sure that wasn't just a show of happiness designed to keep you there.
You lower your voice to a near-whisper. "Yuu was my first real friend. Then I ran into other girls with the same kind of problem, and I was somehow able to help them. They all became great friends. It… hasn't been so bad, I guess, for the last year and a half." Only because you were unable to feel the depths of despair you should have felt at "Yuu's" death, admittedly, but still. "I was even starting to figure some of this out, until… well."
You sigh. "I already told you what happened today, but I guess I didn't tell you this. Everything I pushed off on Rock is starting to come back to me, and I guess, I - I'm not really used to feeling that kind of emotion anymore, but I don't want to…"
What? What don't you want?
I'll say it.
"I don't want to go back to the way I was. I want to be the way I should have been. Even if that means getting meaner, even if it means I'll see the things that are broken… I'm still me, and I'll still be me. Still your daughter, just… more of me."
Admitting it takes all your courage, because in a sense you're saying you'll stand by and watch yourself being erased. Is that really what you want? No, but what choice do I have?
You don't want to go back to the way you were, either. Rock is still scarily passionate, and you wouldn't mind if you could stay the way you are right now, but to willingly become that doll again? No, that isn't something you can imagine doing.
…
"…So now you know," you say, then lapse into silence. Please, let her believe.
"- Heh." Mom snorts, and you feel your heart sinking, but she quickly continues.
"No, sorry. I was just reminded of something your uncle said, once. It isn't relevant." She leans backwards, putting her hands behind her head. "God, this is crazy, but I think the craziest part is that I believe you. Even if you hadn't shown up looking like this… there were plenty of signs, weren't there?"
You cautiously nod, then shake your head. "Maybe there were, but I didn't really notice myself."
"Still." Mom looks troubled. "I told myself you didn't understand, then I told myself you were unusually mature. Those two don't go together, do they? But at the time, I was so happy you were an easy child to raise. Everyone says teenagers are supposed to be trouble, and you never were." She smiles. "The way you're acting right now is closer to what I'd been expecting, minus the fear. Please don't be afraid, Matou; I'm never going to reject you."
You feel a knot you didn't realise was there loosening, and - bizarrely - start crying. Mom puts an arm around you, pulling you in, and only stalls momentarily when that attempt leads to pulling you entirely off the couch. You end up on her lap, for the first time since Dad left, which somehow loosens the waterworks further.
Mom might not know what to do with a ghost-like overly-emotional daughter, but she knows what to do with a distraught child on her lap. You sigh, and curl up further, as she starts running her hand through your hair.
Come to think of it, you saw your brother in this position no later than yesterday. Speaking of which -
"What do we tell Hiro?" You wonder. Your brother might show up at any time, and - actually, this would be a really embarrassing pose if he does -
"Hiro, eh…"
———————
You knock on the door, then - receiving no response - open it and look inside. Well, he isn't wearing headphones, but it's just as you thought: Your brother is still (obsessively) playing that DS game of his. He's sitting on his bed, and can't see you without turning.You smirk, and state in a lilting tone, "You're going to run out of power, you know."
Hiro jerks, making a surprised exclamation. "Aah! Sis, I told you to knock!" Then, despairingly, "I died. Half an hour, gone."
Your eyebrows twitch. "You can complain about that once it happens for real. Now, come on. Dinner."
"Yeah, yeah," he grumbles. Then he looks up and sees your appearance. You've finally changed back to regular clothing, but that really just draws more attention to your paleness. "Wha - Sis! You're all white, what happened to you?"
"I died," you flatly tell him, then turn around and walk out of the room.
"Eeh? You're a ghost?" You hear from behind you. Hiro quickly catches up and grabs your hand, then pouts. "You're way too solid to be a ghost. Stop making fun of me!"
"No, no, I got better." You laugh softly and impulsively ruffle his hair, causing him to stumble and complain childishly at you. You're pretty sure it's the first time you've done that, but you immediately decide it's fun to mess with him.
And that's all there is to it. Hiro simply doesn't care what you look like, he only cares that you're his big sister - though he quickly starts complaining about your new attitude. You could probably hold back on that, you just don't feel like it; both you and Rock have a great deal of fun.
It would be nice to think that the same is true for Mom, but there's still a lot you haven't told her. What happened to Yuu, the details of what happened to your other friends, your own apparent ability to materialise guns from thin air, plus your ability to use them. All the violent bits of the story, in other words. With any luck that won't come up.
———————
Later that evening. Power cuts have given way to rolling blackouts, allowing Hiro to charge his toys, but also allowing Mom to turn on the news."- An anonymous tip from the JSDF has informed us that Dubhe's defeat is largely thanks to a newly acquired special asset, whose actions ensured victory at a far smaller cost than expected, but did not provide further details. We nevertheless urge parents to send their children out of the room, as the scenes we are about to show are extremely violent."
You watch the footage from Kobe in relative silence.
"You were close to that - thing," Mom says faintly.
You quickly shake your head, more than a little shook up yourself. "It wasn't like that. I was mostly running away -" dodging is technically running away, right? "- and it didn't use nearly that much force. It seemed almost casual, in comparison, when I saw it."
You wonder if you would have survived a direct hit from the more powerful beams it used against that artillery barrage, or even the kind of glancing hit you did survive. Either way, looking at what it took to kill it… it's a bit of a relief, actually. It's far beyond anything you could do on your own, which means your failure to kill it isn't your own fault.
"Well… thank God it's dead now," Mom says. You jerkily nod. Maybe, maybe you're better off now, but certainly none of its other victims are.
A/N: Actually, there were paths through this conversation which would have led to precisely that rejection, but telling you that wouldn't have fit in the role of being a good parent. Good going, guys.
This marks the end of Matou's Sunday. If you like, you can suggest ways to spend the time tomorrow - school's out for the moment - but otherwise you'll see her again once some event in the main plot starts affecting her.
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Baughn
Healing-type writer
- Location
- Dublin
Mostly just adjusting to writing. I'm still at the stage where I need to deliberately try a lot of different styles, which often means using writing styles I'm really bad at. Matou, of course, isn't the same style of character either.
There's probably a secondary bit of adjusting to Matou in there, though. Quests don't make the "Write four chapters, then go back and adjust her characterisation" option very doable.
There's probably a secondary bit of adjusting to Matou in there, though. Quests don't make the "Write four chapters, then go back and adjust her characterisation" option very doable.
*Raises Eyebrow* Is that a Chekov's Gun I spy?Baughn said:
Also totally called it on Hiro.
Oh no, I feel that. I tried my hand at putting together different styles of writing for years before I finally developed one I felt comfortable withBaughn said:
Unfortunately my characterization still needs work.
And by work I mean it's total crap.
So I feel ya.