B01-020 - Thanatomania
"I can't do this," Lilith said, after meeting up with Anastasia again. "I can't. I know you two can't stand each other, but I can't. Please help me make it work. I can't anymore. I'm going to have to see the Lord Admiral, and… This is all going to be used against me. We need to figure out something, and for once I'm not going to take lead. You both care about me. Figure something out."
Lilith had brought Sarah and Anastasia to neutral ground, a place that she had chosen, far enough from the swarm that their conversation would at least resemble quietness, and at least exude the necessity of solitude. Though whether it was respected or not would remain to be seen. With the help of many of the Zerg she had them use light acids to clean polish and shine every inch of the Coffee Shop, the black and white linoleum was shiny, but sterile, and the leds she had salvaged and rigged were bathing everything in a blue unforgiving light. There were three coffee cups on the round table, and Lilith was pleading. "Please. Right now I'm just flitting back and forth, feeling the other one of you miserable or angry. There has to be a better way than a week on, a week off"
Varynna after the battle had been silent, but through the vox and shuttles there were communications. It had been two months, and a very sketchy two months at that. Lilith flitted back and forth between Kerrigan and Anastasia, trying her best to keep both happy, but making both miserable, for at least one week. She had embedded herself in these woman's lives, and realized the cold fear that if one of them got hurt, she'd lose something valuable, a part of herself.
"You could just stay with me." Ana chuckles, staring into the suddenly angry eyes of Kerrigan with a grim, fearless bemusement. The Queen growls with anger, "You-."
"Me what?" Anastasia can't help herself, poking a bear much like Lilith does constantly, "Me being better at caring for her? Me being better at loving her?" Three prods have Kerrigan about to pounce across the table.
"Hey stop." Lilith jumps in suddenly, "That's not fair, you're twice our… You're three times my age, and twice Kerrigan's. We're all figuring it out."
"You said you were sixty-six!" Kerrigan growled, turning to Lilith, now already upset, and her hackles rising.
There was a gulp, and Lilith coughed, "I was infested, forty-odd years ago, and was born… twenty-six years before that. So… I was. I just spent the majority of that… Unsequenced and unobserved." She gulped, "Not a lie, necessarily."
"Just another pretty truth." The Witch laughs, having turned to Lilith and listened to her speak. Kerrigan stands up suddenly, "This is just her playing a game." She barks at Ana, who returns a smug smile to the anger.
"This wasn't Anastasia's idea. It was mine." Also a pretty truth, while Ana had never directly suggested it, Lilith noticed that The Face spent her time suffering when she was away. Still, saying that wouldn't help. "I don't want us to move in together. That's fucking terrible, you'll kill each other. I just want to find what I have to do to get everyone a bit closer, so we can be in the same room sometimes without a swarm-wide catastrophe."
Then even quieter, more angry, "I want to walk into whatever Varynna plans or has me saying next confident she's not going to twist me or you two into knots and tear the swarm apart." She puts her head on the table, and her hands on it. "When I said figure something out, I meant, common ground. You have it, you both do, I'm not going to sit here and pull all of either your trauma out. You both would agree on most things."
Then with the side of her mouth frowning, and her hands as if she was balancing two things on a scale. "I think in general Ana tends to be a bit more political, and you a tad more violent. You both have amazing ideas. You're both willing to go to the ends of the earth for…" Saying me was probably not the right play right now, "people, and… honestly, you've both been dealt with an incredibly shit hand, you've both managed to find happiness afterwards, you're both strong, smart, funny. If we can't work together and this breaks, it's going to be catastrophic."
Anastasia looks at Lilith, "What are you doing? What are you trying to get here?"
With a look of disconcerted, aggravated agreement, Kerrigan hisses, "This was only going to end with my hand on her throat."
"I…" What was Lilith doing? What was the plan here, get them closer together so it'd be easier for them to needle and break each other. Try to somehow force them to feel less bad for the obvious bullshit that Lilith run. The kind of bullshit Lilith could only run because there were so few infested that she was the only option, and had played them against each other. She tried to remember the books she read. Tried to reach out to feelings, other people's feelings and try to understand what was going on. What she needed, and what they needed.
"Kerrigan most likely only agreed to this, because she respects loyalty above anything. Lilith had been murdered and murdered and murdered, never stopping until she healed. Then, when that happened , Lilith stayed past that. Everytime they were together, there was electric unbridled energy that was impossible to ignore. She has no idea what a healthy relationship looked like, and thought there was literally only one person capable of making her feel human. Now he's dead, and Lilith is the next best thing. She's so cold, like Lilith doesn't matter but when Ana is around she feels warm, and comforted."
"Anastasia agreed, because she knows in her heart that Lilith had different feelings for Kerrigan than her, but Ana also knew that she didn't have those feelings for her. The stability that she gave Lilith was important, she was her rock. As a witch she felt eternally unloved and incapable of receiving it. She also latched on because she was the only woman that she felt was capable of making her feel human. With their original time together, she also knew the hooks were in deep and that Lilith would have to rip out her own heart to let her go. She was Lilith's foundation, her hearth, warm hugs, and fun movies. She also knew how bad this would be for Lilith if Kerrigan became warm and comforting."
She didn't see the two faces. She didn't realise she was broadcasting her thoughts again.
So legitimately, what the fuck are you doing Lilith. She said in swarm space, unaware that all of her thoughts were on full display. You're the last person on the planet, you're not worthwhile stop fucking this up. She waved at her ear, trying to dismiss the thought. Some distracting drone No-one here loves you for you, they love you because you love everyone. You're last place so stop fucking this UP. She closed her eyes, rubbing them, I love them both, but it must feel so… unsatisfactory. I can't do it in the right way. Make it feel right.
"Lilith." A dual-voice pulls her out of the spiral, both Ana and Sarah looking at eachother with a mild surprise. Ana starts first, "You're being stupid. And that's fine, stop trying to make everything fit perfectly." Her voice is harsh, but that fire in her eyes is back, the rageful desire for Lilith.
If it's not perfect, if you're not perfect everyone will leave, you have to be perfect because you don't feel. "Yeah, yeah of course, you're right." Lilith says with a smile.
"Patronise me again." Ana growls, much like Sarah for a second, "And I'll get much angrier. You love both of us, that's good. Fine, but we don't love each-other." She shoots a glare at Kerrigan, "And that's also fine."
You didn't do it right! Say the words RIGHT. "That all makes sense, yeah." They're going to leave now you fucked it up it's all ruined you stupid fuck-up. "Yeah, of course. I was being silly." Fucking idiot Fucking idiot.
A taloned hand grabs Lilith's shoulder as Sarah stares, "Do you think I'd leave?!" Her voice is shot through with rage, "After all this? After everything?" There's a disbelief in her voice, "You-you." The Queen tries to get words together, trying to make it not just anger.
That's… That's not matching what you said, go back on the conversation replay it. No. No that's not what you said. "I don't… I don't understand." Not worth it, making everyone sad, not perfect. Pull-UP PULL-UP you can figure this out. "You'd never leave." Everyone would leave you, if there were other options.
"You idiot, you stupid idiot!" Sarah shouts, "You made me fall in love, and now this?!" Its hurt and angry, boiling like a cauldron. Frothing just beneath a skin of bare control.
"What is HAPPENING?!" Lilith says confused, What did I… Oh…" The meeting was a terrible idea. "This" is the meeting you fucking idiot, you could have just left things as they "Sorry, we can." Did you disconnect yourself properly? Did YOU disconnect yourself properly? Lilith looks at both of them, oh no, oh no, they know now, they know you're not perfect they KNOW. Run. No that's stupid, they're both smarter and faster.
"Mhmm," Ana happily chuckles, "I've always known this, Lilith. You don't have secrets from the Witch." Her look is less rageful now, more obsessive, more focused. Catching her love in the gaze and considering what to do with her.
I can't believe you disconnected the WRONG string. Every time. Not once have you fucked this up. "I… Don't." If Sarah thinks you can't trust her then you ne— Oh god you're on full display I can't believe you cut the wrong string. "I don't." I seriously don't know why you thought you could help anyone. "I uh." Idiot, Moron. "Yeah, I. Yeah."
"You're mumbling." Anastasia's voice seems to ripple into nothing, Stop mumbling, it invades Lilith's mind, settingling in just behind her spirit.
Right, yeah mumbling pretty truths rem— "Oh. Oh, yeah, guess that's why I talk all the time. Sorry, I didn't, that was just uh… Sometimes everyone gets a little self deprecating I think. It happens." She coughs, drinking her coffee. Staring directly at the table, burning a hole in it, trying not to look at either of them.
"You're adorable, you know?" Anastasia croons, a delicate hand forcing Lilith to face her, orange eyes alit with flame, "The idiosyncratic thoughts, the idea you lack perfection because of some inane half-century old idea of "society", the way panic is making your pupils shrink." Compliments and jabs alike as she strokes the other woman's jaw with her thumb.
"It's funny you think that I fell in love with your mask." The telepath points out, "The astro-telepath." Her smile is broad, turning a noble visage into something more feral. "I promised to be your rock, say yes if you remember." The demand is a soft one, but unyielding.
Lilith tries to mimic releasing tension. It's a sigh and unclench, that's all just a sigh and unclench. It doesn't come. They're both staring at her, Ana's blistering her heart, making it want to burst, and Kerrigan's so wounded making her want to protect. If she wanted to be manipulated she could run, but then… Then… everything would be worse. She could… What could she do.
Tell the truth, Lovey~
"I… I think… I'm really selfish." She says, "I didn't really realise it, then I didn't care, now I'm back in the swarm and I care, but I already hurt everyone. I keep thinking if I don't fix it, I'll never be happy. That people around me being unhappy is a failing on my part."
Ana smiles encouragingly, letting her hand fall to rest on Lilith's forearm, leaning slightly over the table to reach. Kerrigan's face is tighter, more angry.
"Lilith, my sweet Lilith." She finally breaks the facade of disinterest, practically melting into something dark and obsessive and locked on. "I promised to be your rock, didn't I?" A flare-up of emotion infects the Swarm, brazenly stated, thrown out into the world for all to see, for Lilith to feel. Love, lust, hate, anger, "I'll be everything you cannot, I'll hold you through the storms and winds of this universe." She promises so much, a dreadful, hopeful proclamation.
"Stop trying to be a pillar for me." Ana chuckles, "And rest on me instead." She pulls her hand away, but shifts her chair to allow space for someone else to approach. A thrown lure, a temptation for Lilith to follow, to be caught on. "All you have to do is lean, I'll take care of the rest."
Something gravelly, scratchy and low, muffled by static, clicks. It's voice Lilith's own, but deeper. Replaying a memory, a few:
"It's my work, of course you do!" Varynna has, somehow, made it from her seat to just behind Lilith noiselessly, hugging her from the front as she turns. "Apologies for being… clingy. I just get antsy before large battles." The Admiral admits, looking just overtop Lilith's shoulder at the sculpted image, her expression hidden from the other woman.
Her eyes narrow, scanning Varynna, carefully. Trying to see the trick, looking at layers beyond layers of a woman she's known for… maybe a total of two hours. Maybe. "I got… A hug. Six months ago." She said quietly. "That's not their fault, I don't… Ask, and they're both... One's fragile, the other is tough. It's fine."
When the contact breaks, the touch, the comfort. There's a snap inside her, the loss sending clarity through a clouded mind, a broken one. The tears stop, and she snaps straight, the composure returns, and the weakness is stuffed away. "Fuck."
Game. Her voice says, quietly. Look. She lets her essence spread, outward, into the room, and tries to look at Kerrigan, at Ana, at both of them.
The Queen is stiff and angry, watching something she cares for fall apart. Having no idea how to help, left hanging on someone else to do it, someone else to fix it. She stares at Ana and Lilith, heart aching, teeth gritted, ozone-crackle freely audible. But violence won't fix this.
The Witch is loose, accepting. This is her element, broken shards and twisted people. Dances of thoughts and feelings, the worst ones, the most damaging ones. She's only got eyes for Lilith, looking at her, daring her to accept, to fall into her embrace and never be let go.
How many times did Varynna make you fall for this? The voice said, In twenty minutes? Her mind froze, Kerrigan could learn. Be a hammer, be an idol. They might not be lies, She hid a lot. Sarah never hid, not once. She just didn't know.
If you love me, believe me. Ana's mental voice ripples like a stream of warm water.
This was always going to end with someone hurt. Lilith realized, You, Ana, or Sarah. You no matter what. Why don't you ask the daemon? That's a terrible idea, or… It leads to pleasure, and pain though. Manth, can Kerrigan learn to support me?
It won't be the same. The Daemon admits, Nothing's ever quite…the same.
Would she make the same choice for me?
Anastasia will die for you. Manth answers, not quite what was asked, but close enough for it.
"Sarah, Ride or die until the end right? Not just when it's convenient?" Lilith thinks, thinking back to the first conversation, the one with the face, the one where the face lied to her.
Snapping out of the whirlpool of panic, without thinking, Sarah answers in a snap. "There won't be an end."
"I can't stop thinking you're doing this to hurt Sarah. When I play games like this, it's not to hurt people." Lilith said to Anastasia, breaking. "Maybe the words have just… Maybe I'm confused, or stupid, but this feels… I know you'd know what it'd be like for her to see me break down like that while she watched." She stands up, trying to walk away, something in her gut churning violently, that she can't put her finger on.
Ana sighs, a loving look on her face as she stands up. "You're too convincing, Lilith." A smirk breaks across her face as she moves, grabbing the coffee and taking it with her, around to Kerrigan's side, sitting next to her, staring into her eyes whilst flickering Essence flows alight in both of their eyes.
"I told Ana that I had a daemon, if she's hurt enough she can get our entire world destroyed." Lilith said to Kerrigan, "Part of why we're on this side of the planet." The intention dark, hanging in the room. Dangling over them all, like a guillotine. Everything is going cold.
Kerrigan's eyes are the first to break contact, looking wide and surprised at what Lilith just said. Ana, on the other hand, smiles darkly at her love. "Love, tell me, will you be happy?"
"I'm not saying we have to kill you, Abathur can take away memories, we take that little part out. Kerrigan needs to know, I don't think she remembers from when she looked at the memory with Varynna." Lilith says quietly, "If you'll do anything, then let me just take out that. It's your choice, I trust you not to use it against me."
A sip of her cup settles Ana, "For the good of the Imperium, hmm?" She chuckles, mostly to herself, a broad smile at the idea. "For the Swarm, maybe?" Another chuckle. "Another chunk torn out, for something greater." A third laugh, grim and entertained.
"For me, pretty little truths, we can go back to fifteen minutes ago." Lilith whispers, "I can't, I thought everyone was aware. I—"
Kerrigan made the decision for Lilith before anyone could interact, lightning attempting to incinerate Ana. A single pink puff of energy drawing it, just off target. Lilith screams "No!" As she rushes forward, "Don't let her at lea—"
The Witch, powerful, glorious, loving rips at Kerrigan with psyker powers, looking at Lilith. Incensed the Queen of Blades feels gripped by the essence. Panic, rage, confusion all swirl together as suddenly she realizes she's pinned. It continues as the Swarm writhes with anger, an inhuman chitter echoing from the planet from every corner. Lilith chose, but Ana was willing to die, and Kerrigan was willing to kill. She didn't want to, god she didn't want too.
Manth… Do it… She whispers quietly.
A pink flash as Kerrigan is sent back, sent back to the evolution pits, twice as raw as the feelings of her own pain mixes with thousands others a connection of every time that Lilith had ever sequenced, been resequenced, or tortured herself under Kerrigan's command. Each slice resplendent and dutiful and terrible. Lilith weeps as Kerrigan collapses her eyes wide in horror as pink film stops her from seeing anything. She looks at her and quickly, quietly whispers something into her ear.
Kerrigan, at an instant starts tearing at her own skin, screaming that it hurts, it must stop, but Lilith has stepped away from this as she watches. She is not here, instead reaching out for comfort as Anastasia holds her close. The Queen of Blades still screaming, tearing, and ripping. The fight out of her.
Lilith unfurls her Sequencers and whispers. "Hold her down. I need thirty seconds."
Ana has proven before she is capable, at least, of this. The cuts are done. The essence drunk. Manth is fed.
Anastasia watched Lilith with a predatory hunger, her smile sharp. "Finally," she purred, stepping over Kerrigan's broken form, "we can be together." Her hand snaked out, brushing a stray tear from Lilith's cheek – a promise of possession disguised as comfort.
The Queen of Blades was no more.
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