Timelooping Tinker (Worm Fanfic (AU))

9
Timelooping Tinker

Epilogue 2: Bakuda and the Blasts from the Pasts!


2014


Contessa stepped out of a portal onto the twentieth floor of a high-rise hotel. The hotel was nothing special but its contents were priceless. The rewards she had created for Bakuda. Payment to the tinker for the technology she built for Cauldron's new incarnation, the Dimensional-Space Administrative Bureau.

Contessa checked her watch. An unnecessary habit, given her power, but she was trying to appear more human these days.

It was showtime.

The door to a nearby room blew open in a flash of light and a blast of heat. The debris took a few seconds to settle. Then there was a 'thump' from inside the room. A scorched mattress dropping to the floor after having been used as a shield.

A young woman came to the door. She wore jeans and a plain white tee shirt, set off by her long, dark, matted hair. She peered down the hallway.

"The coast is clear, Dad. I think we're safe." said the girl.

"Yes. You're perfectly safe here, Taylor Hebert." said Contessa, with a warm smile.

"Augh!" cried Taylor. "I didn't see you there, behind me. Sneaky."

Contessa nodded.

Taylor looked at her with a shy smile. "I'm kind of lost here. There weren't any bugs in my room, and I can't control the bugs in the other rooms, which is totally freaky. Oh, I'm Weaver, by the way! I'm the new bug controlling hero in New Wave."

Contessa smiled.

"...oh, you knew that already. I mean, uh, great! You know me! You must be one of our fans! Heh, I'm still getting used to having a public identity. Pleased to meet you, Miss, uh..." After a few seconds of silence without a reply, she barreled on, "...Miss whatever your name is! You're safe with me, citizen. Except, uh, maybe not, since I don't know where I am, and I can't control the bugs around here, and I'm kind of freaking out, and-"

Taylor's father Danny appeared in the door behind her and put his arm around her shoulders. "Calm down, Taylor. I'm sure there's a good explanation. Miss, do you know where we are? The last thing we remember we were in Brockton Bay, preparing for one of Taylor's publicity events, and then we woke up locked in this hotel room."

"You're on Earth Aleph. Your reality was overwritten by a time loop, but I was able to restore your existence. Sort of."

"...what?"

Contessa patiently waited for them to understand.

Danny scratched his head. "Uh...now that you mention it, I do have a memory of something happening at the end. It was strange, like, uh..."

"...like the fabric of reality itself tearing apart, and a new reality bursting into being as we faded away into nonexistence. Cold and dark forever and ever and ever..." Taylor shivered. "Grace told me about the time loops, but I thought that was just her being eccentric as usual. God. So that's what it feels like to be written out of existence?"

"No. Our theory is that the time loops were merely simulated experiences in the minds of the 'looping' capes. You and your reality never existed, and your memories are an illusion."

Taylor blinked. "Uh. Then how-"

"I created you by cloning the Taylor and Danny Hebert from this reality and implanting you with artificial memories to make you believe you are the simulated people from the loop. I can't say how well your memories match the originals, but my power guarantees that Grace won't be able to distinguish you from the simulated people she knew.

"To ease your transition into your new life, I also gave you artificial memories of Grace explaining the loops to you, and a memory of your old world being erased from existence."

Taylor shivered again. "Oh God. Was that last part really necessary?"

Contessa nodded sagely. "Yes. Sometimes a small sad is necessary for bigger happies."

"Urgh. Fine. So there are two of me now? Where's the me from this reality? Can I meet her?"

Contessa's power alerted her to impending sads. She asked her power for a solution to soften the blow, and it obliged.

"No. You have to stay on Earth Aleph for now. This world is nearly identical to your own so you and the other clones will be right at home."

"There are more of us?"

Contessa smiled. "Grace went through two hundred and nine loops, so she made quite a few friends."

A flood of insects poured under the door to a nearby room, carrying a circuit board with pins and strips of metal soldered on the top, with wires trailing behind. The bugs carried the contraption up the side of the door next to the lock. There was a sudden spark, and a spherical segment of the lock mechanism was transmuted into a haze of dust.

The door opened and a second Taylor walked out, with a second Danny following behind her.

"I overheard your conversation." said the new Taylor. "I guess you were the one trying to control my bugs."

A small swarm of flies rose from around her and flew toward the first Taylor. When they reached the halfway point between the two Taylors they jittered in place for a moment, then flew in a straight line to the first Taylor's side.

"Ahhh, that's better!" The first Taylor smiled, then had her bugs form a floating smiley face to emphasize her point. "I get restless without my bugs. Thanks, me!"

"You're welcome." said the second Taylor. She was taller by a few inches, and her voice was more mellow, more mature. "You were in New Wave, huh? I'm jealous."

"Heh. You were an independent hero? Or...oh no, don't tell me you bent your knee to the incompetent, prejudiced bigots in the PRT. You're too good for them "

The second Taylor went still.

"Come on, spill it. You're my alternate self, this is amazing! I want to hear about your adventures as a hero! What team did you join?"

The second Taylor bit her lip. "I kind of joined, uh...all of them."

"What?"

"Well, I started out in the Empire-"

The first Taylor gasped. "They're villains! And Nazis! They're villain Nazis!"

"I know! I was stupid! They saved my life and they were my only friends and I was stupid! But after a week in the Empire, Bakuda kidnapped me and put a bomb in my skull and made me join her ABB."

"What? But...but Grace is a hero! She'd never join the ABB or do that sick bomb-skull thing! And...and you're not even Asian!"

"Bakuda said 'I killed a dragon. You are now Asian.' That was that. But after a week in the ABB, Bakua gave me a spying mission to infiltrate the Merchants. But after a week in the Merchants, Faultline took them down and recruited me. But after a week in Faultline's Crew, I got a better offer from Coil. But after a week in Coil's gang, he sent me to join the Undersiders. But after-"

"You joined every villain gang in the city? Six gangs in six weeks?"

"Yeah. But after a week in the Undersiders, I cut a deal with Miss Militia to turn state's evidence and join the Wards. But after a week in the Wards, Coil's spies tried to kill me so I ran to New Wave for protection. Dad and I moved in with the Dallons."

"So you joined all the hero teams, too."

"Yeah. But then Bakuda called me and told me to leave the city. 'You've been a good spy for me, bug girl, so here's a friendly tip. Leviathan's going to attack in an hour and I'm going to greet him with a hundred megaton superbomb to the face. Get the hell out of here if you want to live.'

"I warned the heroes and escaped with Dad and all the capes I could find, Parian and Uber and Leet and Circus and Barker and Biter. We became rogues and founded the world's greatest parahuman three-ring circus. And...that's what I've been doing for the last two years. I'm the CEO of the Cape Capades."

She snapped her fingers and made a pose. Her bugs flew into the air and formed a fancy, floating logo, a rotating "C" intersecting a "C", while her bugs on the ground played a jaunty marching song.

The first Taylor stared at her. "So you were a rogue, too. You teamed up with every single cape from Brockton Bay. That's just confusing."

She turned to Contessa. "You must have mixed up her memories, there's no way she did all that stuff. She's really a rogue circus performer?"

Contessa shrugged. "She is now."

Hero Taylor and Circus Taylor opened their mouths to protest, then whipped their heads around to one of the closed doors in the hallway.

A massive bug slid under the door. A conglomeration of six cockroaches stitched together, their bodies forming a loose sac with a bubbling liquid inside. The monstrous bug crawled up the side of the door and onto the lock, then detonated in a spray of foul-smelling chemicals, melting the lock in a matter of seconds.

A third Taylor opened the door and met the stares of the others. "What?"

"That was gross."

"Yeah, I know. we didn't have the supplies to make a proper superacid bug bomb so we had to improvise. Hey, infodump lady, does this hotel have a buffet? We're getting hungry."

Contessa pointed. "Fourth floor. Elevator is down the hall."

"Thanks." said the Taylor.

"Thanks." said the Danny head attached to her right shoulder.

...

...

The others stared.

The third Taylor folded her arms. "What?"

...

"This is about Dad, isn't it."

...

"He's fine. He had a little accident but he's fine."

The Danny head spoke up. "I don't mind. Really. It's awkward but it beats being dead."

Circus Taylor whispered, her voice quavering. "That's Bonesaw's work. You joined the Slaughterhouse Nine."

Slaughterhouse Taylor rolled her eyes. "Tch. Hypocrite. You infiltrate every gang in the Bay and you're bright and shiny and heroic, but Dad and I infiltrate the Nine with Bakuda and suddenly we're eeeeevil villainous abominations."

"You infiltrated the Nine? You're fucking insane!"

"Don't swear!" snapped Slaughterhouse Taylor. "We're perfectly sane, it was a great plan! We convinced Jack Slash to tell Scion to fly into the sun. It worked, too. We thought we saved the world. But after a month Scion came back, muttering something about 'liar, becoming one with the stars wasn't poetic at all, see how you like it'. Then he threw all the Earths into the sun."

"Yikes." said Circus Taylor. "Scion killed me, too. After he disintegrated my World's Greatest Big Top with a laser beam, the bastard."

"Wait, wait. Scion is a bad guy?" said Hero Taylor.

"Yeah, the biggest bad guy. He goes crazy and destroys all the Earths. I guess Bakuda beat him, though, since the time loops are over."

Hero Taylor blinked. "Wow. He was my favorite hero. When I was a kid I even had Scion underpants."

There was an awkward silence.

"So." said the Danny head. "Miss mysterious benefactor. I don't want to sound greedy, but can I get my body back?"

"Yes. Ask String Theory and her partner to build you a new one. They'll make it extra high quality to passive-aggressively piss off Bakuda."

"Wonderful. Also, did you bring back Bakuda's other friends from the time loops? Because some of her friends are, er, not exactly-"

The floor shook. The door to a king-sized suite was torn off its hinges. A massive monster charged out, limbs and tentacles flailing, acid spilling from its mouth and eating into the carpet, bellowing in an inhumanly deep voice. "Wherrrrrre is my favorite tinkerrrrr? I'll fiiiiind youuuuu!"

The monster was followed by a second, then a third, then a fourth. They smashed through the window at the end of the hall and jumped twenty stories to the ground.

"Hey Ned! Ned! Crawler! Wait up!" called Slaughterhouse Taylor. She ran to the window and winced.

"Fiddlesticks." she swore. "If that doofus gets another flipping air strike called in on us I swear I'm going to turn him inside out." She turned to the other Taylors. "I'm going to go stop Ned from killing anyone. You guys sit tight."

She ran for the elevators.

The floor shook. A nearby door was punctured by a narrow, pencil-thin explosion. The puncture hole warped and expanded until it was big enough to admit a person. A young girl stepped though, fidgeting with the hem of her dark green dress and carrying a pair of scissors.

"Vista? Missy B.? Is that you?" said Circus Taylor.

Vista scowled. "That's it, I've had enough of this mystery kidnapping crap. Who are you people and how do you know my name? I want answers, now."

She raised the pair of scissors in her hand. The blades warped, stretching to be six feet long and wickedly sharp. She snapped them open and closed menacingly.

Hero Taylor backed away, but Circus Taylor opened her arms and gave a welcoming smile. "You're safe, Missy. Dad and I will explain everything. We can go to the roof if you want, I remember that you like roofs. My bugs are telling me there's a pool up there with a jacuzzi."

Vista frowned, then shrunk down her scissors. "Fine, bug lady. We'll talk at the jacuzzi. But if you try anything funny I'll show you what I can really do."

"Ten four." said Circus Taylor, leading her to the elevators. "Damn, I forgot how scary you are when you're angry."

The floor shook. Five doors were knocked off their hinges by precisely synchronized explosions. A cacophany of childish chatter filled the hallway as five Dinah Alcotts ran by in swimsuits.

"Last one in the pool is a rotten egg!"

"Liar! Only a 0.00000023% chance the last one is a rotten egg!"

"Not if I invent a rotten egg bomb first!"

"Hey! Stop messing with my numbers!"

"Hi Taylor! Come to the pool when you're done with the infodump lady! Bye Taylor!"

The sounds of the pool-bound clones trailed off. Hero Taylor and her dad were left alone with Contessa.

"That's the last of them." said Contessa.

"Huh." said Taylor.

For a minute no one spoke. Contessa waited patiently.

Danny ran a hand through his hair, a pensive look on his face. "Taylor, isn't it strange that we all know how to make bombs? Even Vista and Dinah."

Taylor frowned. "Not really. Those bombs weren't anything special. Pathetically simple trigger mechanisms, just like you'd expect from seventh graders."

"I know, but it's still strange. I don't remember making any bombs before." Danny gave Contessa an accusing look. "I'm sure Miss benefactor is eager to explain."

"Oh, that's simple." said Contessa. "You clones would be sad if you didn't have a supply of bombs like you did in the loops. But I promised Bakuda not to leave clones of her running around. So I made some Bakuda clones, killed them, snipped out their coronas, and wired them up to your brains. Now you can use Bakuda's power with forty to sixty percent efficacy and hardly any maniacal urges at all. It's the optimal solution. Forecast: minimum sads, maximum happies!"

"...what?"

Contessa saw the horror dawning on their faces. Her power alerted her to impending sads. She asked her power for a solution to soften the blow, and it obliged.

Contessa giggled. "...just joking! Got ya! Hehehehehehe!"

She gave them a sly smile and a wink. "Taylor is right. You didn't need powers to make your bomb. It was a simple chemical reaction guided by an electromagnetic field shaped by psi-particles. Anyone with an elementary school education could have made it! Probably."

Danny sighed in relief.

Taylor patted him on the shoulder. "I told you Dad, it was a pathetically simple bomb. No powers needed."

"I guess you're right, kiddo."

Taylor rubbed her chin. "...although...if we'd made the bomb with a spatiomagnetic field, that would've been something worth talking about."

"Mmm. Then we could have used a transient pocket dimension to absorb the unwanted blast trajectories...and used it as a power source for a second stage trigger, maybe a miniature resonance cascade..."

"Ooooh, right, good idea! And then we can use the fluctuations in the dimensional boundary to give the blast wave an armor-piercing effect, guiding it to its target with short-range teleportation-"

Contessa left the loving father and daughter behind, her path complete. She had provided her infodump. This Taylor and Danny would spread the information to the others. Eventually. After they made a few quick equipment runs to an electronics store and a machine shop.

Contessa allowed herself a satisfied smile. It had taken hours of her precious utility-maximizing time, but all twenty floors of the Resurrection Hotel had been awakened smoothly, without a single casualty. The happy-to-sad ratio was astronomical!

She called for a portal. She had one last stop to make.


--
Author's note: that Contessa, what a joker! I don't know about that Circus Taylor, her memories seem like a mash-up of every Taylor-joins-a-team fanfic ever, probably only the circus ones are real. And what does Bakuda think of this turn of events? Tune in next time to find out! Also, Circus Taylor's Danny doesn't speak because he's a mime.
 
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Here are some extras!

Epilogue 2 Omake: Deleted scenes

...
...

Taylor smiled at Contessa. "Wow! So there are two of me now? Where's the me from this reality? Can I meet her?"

"Sorry, but no. Grace blew up Earth Bet with a superbomb."

"What? Seriously?" Taylor stared at her. "Oh God. You're serious. Oh God. I knew it. I knew it! Grace you unbelievable DUMBASS!"

"It's okay, Taylor. Grace did it to save the multiverse. She's the greatest hero ever. She asked me to restore your existence as a reward."

Taylor wasn't listening. She slid down to the floor, whispering under her breath. "Grace. You maniac. You blew it up. You blew it all up. No more Brockton Bay. No more US of A. No more heroes. No more..."

Contessa nodded solemnly. "There were many sads that day. More sads than ever before. But they were necessary for the greater happies."

"But...but she blew up the Earth! All those people...don't they mean anything to you?"

Contesa folded her arms and gave her a stern look. "The greater happies, Taylor."

"But-"

Contessa's glare intensified. "The greatest happies."

"But-"

"The greatest happies ever."

Taylor decided not to press the issue.

...
...

Danny asked Contessa. "There is a world outside this hotel, right?"

"Yes." said Contessa. "Earth Zayin is nearly identical to your homeworld except for a few minor details. The British won the Revolutionary War, the Sioux rule the Great Plains, Elvis Presley gained a resurrective immortality power and leads the Sons of Liberty against the crown, et cetera. You and the other clones will be right at home."

Danny smiled, really smiled. "Elvis lives? The King is alive?"

"Yes, the King is immortal. Thanks to aliens."

"Wonderful! Taylor, you and I have a concert to-"

"But he can't sing worth a damn, and he hates the British royalty so his cape name is Kingfucker."

Danny's face fell. "God damn it. Can we get a different Earth?"

...
...

Circus Taylor whispered, her voice quavering. "That's Bonesaw's work. You joined the Slaughterhouse Nine."

"So?"

"So...so they're evil! Jack always tries to convince me to give him discounts on their circus tickets even though I've told him a million times the answer is No, and Charm Protector tries to make out with the ushers, and Siberian! She jumps on stage during Hellhound's act and hisses at the dogs, and when I told her to get her stripey ass back in her seat she stepped on my World's Most Intelligent Tarantula and there's no way that was an 'accident' no matter what she says!"

Slaughterhouse Taylor rolled her eyes. "Siberian's a big kitty kat. You just need to know how to handle her. If she scratches your couch you need to firmly tell her 'No' and toss her off."

"She's an axiomatically immovable object!"

"Have you tried catnip?"
 
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Well you know what? Fuck that, and fuck her. No one mocked her and got away with it. Not even herself. She'd show that bitch who was boss.
This can only end ... Hilariously.
Grace is a pacifist! She said she's morally opposed to hurting people in any way, and her bombs are harmless, non-lethal munitions that knock people out.
Naive pacifist Taylor?!?! I take it back this will end in flames and tears and pile upon piles of dismembered body parts.
The entities would destroy together, or they would not destroy at all.
I can't tell if this is sweet and romantic or horrifying.


Edit: collated multi post, much tidier now.
 
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Siberian on catnip. Someone needs to do this because the look on Manton's face when the Siberian starts acting on her own is going to be amazing
 
Siberian on catnip. Someone needs to do this because the look on Manton's face when the Siberian starts acting on her own is going to be amazing
Except Siberian isn't a cat. In fact, I don't think it even has fur, it's just striped like a black and white tiger.

Losing control over it would be like a person losing control over a remote-controlled car because the inanimate car decided it wanted to take a pit stop at a gas station.
 
Danny asked Contessa. "There is a world outside this hotel, right?"

"Yes." said Contessa. "Earth Zayin is nearly identical to your homeworld except for a few minor details. The British won the Revolutionary War, the Sioux rule the Great Plains, Elvis Presley gained a resurrective immortality power and leads the Sons of Liberty against the crown, et cetera. You and the other clones will be right at home."

Danny smiled, really smiled. "Elvis lives? The King is alive?"

"Yes, the King is immortal. Thanks to aliens."

"Wonderful! Taylor, you and I have a concert to-"

"But he can't sing worth a damn, and he hates the British royalty so his cape name is Kingfucker."

Danny's face fell. "God damn it. Can we get a different Earth?"
Kingfucker-Miss Militia OTP, FOR AMERICA!
 
10
Timelooping Tinker

Finale 3: Bakuda and the Children of the Future!


Contessa stepped through a portal to the hotel lobby. Bakuda and Masamune were there, with a few of the clones who had awakened on the first floor.

Bakuda caught sight of her and screamed.

"Contessa! You brought back Bob and Omb! Come here, you beautiful bastard!"

Bakuda flung herself onto Contessa and wrapped her in a bear hug. Contessa managed to stay on her feet, adjusting her posture to optimally absorb the blow.

Masamune watched them with a faint smile. By his side were two six year olds, a boy and a girl, holding mass-produced fuzzy bomb plushies in their hands.

Bob pointed dramatically at the hugging heroes. "Oh no!" he gasped. "The evil Cauldron cape is attacking Mom! We have to defeat her!"

Masamune chuckled. "Look closely, Bob. Your mother is the attacker."

The two children glared at him. Omb chewed her lip, then raised a finger to the heavens in triumph. "Oooh, I know. Watch me, watch me."

Omb pointed dramatically at the hugging heroes. "Oh no!" she gasped. "Mom is attacking the evil Cauldron cape, but the fiend still lives! We have to help Mom defeat her!"

They looked up at Masamune, and he nodded an affirmation. The children squealed and rushed at Contessa, flanking her from both sides and joining in the hug.

A rapid series of clicking sounds echoed through the lobby. A small, sleek metal shape raced on all fours and struck Contessa from behind. It latched onto her leg and growled, its draconic wings and tail twitching.

"Rarrr!" the beast squeaked in a childish mechanical voice. "Resistance is futile! Enemies will be explodinated!"

"Down, Baneling! Careful with your claws!" scolded Bakuda with a smile.

"Mrrrrr. Enemies will be...huggulated?"

"This one will be, yeah." Bakuda released Contessa from her hug, and gave the woman a calculating look. "As long as miss utility maximizer doesn't try to pull a fast one on us."

Contessa slid out of the grip of the children and their pet robot dragon with an optimally nonchalant twist, and gave Bakuda a winning smile.

"No tricks, Bakuda. Your reward has been delivered in full. You and your husband and your clone friends upstairs are guaranteed many big happies in the years to come. Thus speaks the Champion."

"Hah. Of course you'd say the same thing if you're tricking us, but whatever. String and I will have failsafe planet-busters in half the known worlds before the year is out. If you try anything you'll regret it."

Contessa politely dropped her smile and pouted, as if the tinker's failsafes were a matter of concern.

"I bet you're already trying something. I mean, what's the point of them?" Bakuda gestured to a crowd of clones. "Are you trying to break up my relationship with my husband?"

The three Masamune clones frowned. "That's uncalled-for. We're the same person."

"I know, I know." said Bakuda. "I won't reject you because you're clones. Obviously my superior intellect isn't poisoned by archaic superstitions. But-"

"My clones were my request, Grace." said Masamune.

"What? Why?" Bakuda looked back and forth between Masamune and the clones. "You won't get jealous?"

Masamune smiled. "Not at all. We need them, for there is something that only we can do together."

He reached into the autonomous luggage robot at his side and withdrew five bulky bundles wrapped in paper. He handed one to Bakuda, and three others to the clones.

Bakuda unwrapped her package. A black costume, armor on top of skintight nano-weave fabric, with printed Japanese characters on the back.

Sentai Black.

"You didn't." she gasped.

"I did." he said, unfurling his own red costume. "You wish to rule this world with our superior technology, do you not?"

"Well, yes, but-"

"Then it is our responsibility to protect our domain, as well. For if our genius intellect and superior technology cannot safeguard our people, who will?"

"I was kind of hoping that Cauldron would-"

"The Sentai Elite were defeated by the great beast from the seas, but their noble cause shall never die! They will rise again to protect the people of this world! For great justice."

"...You're going keep bloviating heroically until I agree to re-start the Sentai Elite, aren't you?"

"Yes."

Bakuda wrung her new Sentai costume in her hands. "But Hiro, you'll expect me to go all P.C. and shit. Sometimes a nasty-ass motherfucker needs a good infinite torture session to set him straight."

Masamune arched an eyebrow. "In front of the children?"

Bakuda grinned. "Of course! The point of shock and awe is to keep the plebes in line, make them shit their pants in fear so they'll be good little boys and girls. No point doing it in a secret dungeon like a pervert."

"No, no." Masamune rubbed his forehead. "The public punishment of villains is...fine, I suppose. I meant the swearing. You're swearing in front of the children again."

Bakuda looked at her children. Bob and Omb made doe eyes at her. Their facial muscles twitched with effort at pretending to be wide-eyed and innocent.

"Er. Damn. I mean, drat. Forget what I said, kids. What I meant was, um..."

Her forehead wrinkled with effort as she tried to find the words.

"Sometimes a...a very...mean, nasty person...who, um...who treats his or her mother very badly...or does other bad things...well, people like that have to be punished, you see? And if...if what they did is very bad, then...then you have to punish them so hard they can't hurt anyone again, and everyone knows it. Get it, kids?"

Masamune nodded approvingly.

Bob nodded, mimicking his father. "I get it. Bad guys have to be punished. Like if someone did something super duper bad. Like if they blowed up the whole wide Earth!"

Omb gasped. "But Mom and Dad did blow up the Earth! They were super duper bad! Mom, do we have to punish you?"

Bakuda scowled. "That was a special case. It was good when Hiro and I did it, sure, but if I catch you blowing up Earths without permission, I'll ground you so hard you'll think you're in the Mariana Trench."

"But I want to blow up the Earth too when I grow up!" said Bob.

"Yeah! I want to be the biggest hero ever, just like you!" said Omb.

"I said without permission, squirts." Bakuda ruffled their hair. "If another Earth needs to be blown up one day, I promise we'll do it together. As a family."

"Yay!"

Contessa spent a minute watching the charming domestic scene. What with the clonedads and simulated children conjured into existence and pet robot dragons and plots for domination and destruction of worlds.

It was a perfect match. Bakuda's influence fanned the flames of Masamune's ambition. Masamune's influence kept Bakuda firmly on the side of Mostly Good. And their children kept both of them on the side of Not Blowing Up A Continent That The Kids Might Want To Rule One Day.

Contessa smiled, then turned on her heel and walked out the door. "Door to Earth Zayin." she said. The path to happies called to her with its siren song.

--
Author's note: I changed the arc title from "Epilogue" to "Finale". One more left!
 
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This is the most terrifyingly adorable Bakuda this side of... anywhere.
 
11
Timelooping Tinker

Ultimate Finale: Contessa and Scion vs. the Ultimate Mystery of the Time Loops!


Contessa spoke to the air. "Door to Cauldron headquarters, Super Duper High Security Sector."

She stepped through the portal into Cauldron. Or as it was now known, the Dimensional-Space Administration Bureau. DSAB personnel bustled about, working tirelessly on their mission to benefit humanity. Establishing communication between worlds, encouraging trade and commerce, and putting world leaders in the Timeout Corner whenever they started a war.

She walked past the employees and into a large room labeled "Threat Surveillance (Super Duper Class)". There large screens displaying surveillance feeds of the three remaining threats to humanity.


The first screen was "NEW TRIGGERS"

After Scion's defeat, record numbers of trigger events began occurring on Earth Aleph, Gimel, and other worlds. The powers that had been destined for Earth Bet were connecting to the nearest available hosts. If they were left unchecked, they would quickly turn the worlds into war-torn wastelands.

Fortunately, Cauldron had found a temporary solution. A solution named Eidolon. A tip from the time loopers had led them to discover that Eidolon could suck the power out of parahumans to recharge his abilities.

Eidolon had gone into a deep depression at first. He spent a week moping around the Cauldron Cave, moaning that he was a monster, that his condition was a curse, that his power came at the cost of draining the life force from others, et cetera.

Then Number Man sarcastically congratulated Eidolon on adopting the proper level of angst for a vampire, and gave him red contact lenses and a black cape and fangs to complete the image.

Eidolon had gotten over his angst with almost unseemly speed.

The screen showed a draining session in progress. Eidolon was hovering above an angry Japanese girl who had gained the unfortunate ability to suck people and animals into pocket-sized balls and then eject them by throwing the balls at her enemies. Eidolon stoically endured an assault from balls that disgorged the girl's parents, ex-boyfriend, ex-ex-boyfriend, college professor, hospital nurse, local policewoman, two street thugs and their cat, her pet duck, goldfish, seahorse, starfish, toad, hamster, and some kind of salamander that was...on fire? Huh.

Fortunately for all concerned, that loathsome ability would be permanently banished from existence in the next 216 seconds.


The second screen was "ENDBRINGERS"

Unfortunately, the complete destruction of Earth had not been enough to get rid of the complete bullshit known as the Endbringers. They had been ejected into space, controlled their flight with energy bursts and water jets and telekinetic BS, and landed on the surface of Venus.

The Endbringers were dormant now, for the most part, but they occasionally lurched into motion and built rudimentary structures with materials they scavenged from the Venusian landscape. The structures had no apparent purpose, but to be on the safe side Eidolon visited every three to four months and razed them to the ground. A satisfying reversal of the previous pattern where humans built and Endbringers razed.

The odd thing was that more Endbringers had been appearing. A time manipulator, a power copier, a thousand foot tall tower. They were all on Venus, though, so no one worried too much about them.

Except Eidolon. Eidolon constantly insisted that it was critically important to oppose the Endbringers and their sinister plans for the inhabitants of the planet Venus (population: 0).

The rest of Cauldron humored him. Eidolon was their most powerful weapon, so as long as he didn't get himself killed he could go play with the Endbringers 24/7 for all they cared.

Contessa squinted at the surveillance feed. The picture was fuzzy, clouded by the harsh Venusian atmosphere, and for a moment it looked like the Simurgh was twiddling her thumbs and whistling innocently. ...nah. That was probably her imagination.


The final screen was "SCION"

The alien entity orbited around the sun, motionless and dormant, eyes gazing at the stars.

It was anyone's guess how long his state of dormancy would last. The sum total of their knowledge was:

1. Scion tried to destroy things,
2. Bakuda and String Theory destroyed them first,
3. Scion went into a coma.

Would he ever awaken? Would he resume his destructive ways? Would he return to his old pattern of heroism? Was he aware in his motionless body, or had he gone entirely dormant?

There was one person who might be able to answer those questions. Unfortunately, she was insane.

Glaistig Uaine, the self-proclaimed Faerie Queen, hovered next to Scion and kept him company in his slumber. Apparently her spirits could sustain her life indefinitely in the void of space, conjuring air, food, water, a toilet with inter-dimensional plumbing, a fountain of youth, and a cute elf-themed space suit.

Contessa had used her power to gain insight into the woman's mind. Unfortunately, the woman was a complete whack job. Her power had spit out a bunch of garbled nonsense about fairies and cycles and bards and warrior-poets and sonnets.

Was she seriously supposed to believe that the alien retired from his world-conquering ways to write a sonnet? Not even a book of sonnets, or a sonnet cycle, just one single fucking sonnet? For three thousand and six hundred fucking years?

Yeah, right. It was obviously a deliberate ruse to hide the entity's true, sinister plan.

I mean, this was the alien who had planned with its partner to plunge the Earths into endless war for three hundred years, and then annihilate all of the Earths in a vile act of pan-dimensional genocide! It would be a relief if the lunatic was right and the threat was truly over, but...a peaceful retirement of writing poetry felt like an awfully light ending for the supremely malevolent entity.

Contessa squinted at the surveillance image of Scion. If only she could know what was passing through the nigh-omnipotent entity's mind...

...

...

...

The entity gazed at the stars, seeking inspiration for its grand sonnet.

It would be a masterpiece. A stirring tribute to the beauty of the cosmos. It would interweave meditations on universal physical laws with this entity's eons of experience investigating intelligent species in countless galaxies. A heartfelt paean to life, the universe, and everything.

The entity had been composing its sonnet for four hundred and eighty two Earth days. A mere fraction of the three thousand six hundred years remaining to it in its energy-efficient hibernation state. Still, it was enough time to work out the general shape of its masterwork.

The entity called the current draft of the sonnet to its mind.


A Sonnet
by An Entity

Through the star-lit void, two entities soared,
Then one got ganked and the other got bored.
It tried to destroy, but it was blocked,
So it wrote a sonnet, and it rocked.

(todo: put more poetry here!)
(how many syllables go in each line, anyway? Nine?)
(wait, is this even the right rhyme style? Fuck.)
(todo: look up "sonnet" on Shardpedia again)

The entity was not entirely satisfied with its progress.

Its composition speed was excellent. It had finished 28.571428571% of the sonnet's lines in a mere 0.036681887% of the its remaining lifespan.

However, the lines were in need of revision. The draft was filled with bland, pedestrian words such as Through, Then, Got, Tried, and Wrote. They should be replaced with suitably poetic and impressive words, such as Monarch, Migration, Queen, Scourge, Chrystalis, Imago, and so on.

The problem was that revisions were extremely difficult! The entity tried to revise its sonnet for the 639274884th time, replacing the bad words with the good ones:


A Sonnet
by An Entity

Monarch the star-lit void, two entities soared,
Migration one queen ganked and the other scourge bored.
It chrystalis to destroy, but it was blocked,
So it imago a sonnet, and it rocked.

The entity regarded its improved masterpiece-

No! The entity reeled as its Sonnet Validator Shard raised thousands of grammar and semantic fatal exceptions!

The entity hastily reverted the changes. The exceptions disappeared. The sonnet had returned to its earlier, unsatisfying state. Which still had an unacceptably high number of exceptions.

Poetry was hard!!!

The entity took stock of its situation.

What the entity needed was imagination. Unfortunately, imagination was something it lacked. It had cast off the great majority of its shards to take part in the cycle, including nearly all of the shards that had potential for creativity, as they were the ones that could learn the most from the subjects who inhabited the planet.

That had been the plan for this cycle. This entity would be the Warrior, brute force, while its partner was the Thinker, planning and imagination. The cycle had been disrupted, though, and the Warrior was left with no Thinker to guide it.

The entity had one hope for a solution. A series of almost unbelievably fortunate coincidences had provided it with a new source of imagination.

The Harvester shard.

The Harvester shard had connected to an exceptionally persistent female subject. She had survived the destruction of her planet and had chosen to accompany the entity in its orbit. The entity's precognition assured it that the subject would sit faithfully by the entity's side for the remaining thousands of years of its lifespan.

Even better, the Harvester had acquired surrogate connections to several hundred shards from the entity and its counterpart. Shards with the imagination the entity needed.

Still better, the Harvester was capable of reading the sonnets that the entity composed in its mind during its state of hibernation. The Harvester had somehow acquired a connection to one of the dead counterpart's Sonnet Broadcaster Shards.

Curious. Vital shards, such as those for sonnet creation, should never have been made available to the subjects. But the entity saw no reason to question its outrageously good fortune.

All the entity had to do was wait. The Harvester-bearing subject would read the sonnet, take its imperfections as a cue to search for improvements, and write her own literary works with variations on the theme. The entity would sift her literary works for useful segments, incorporate them into the sonnet, and begin the cycle anew.

A mini-cycle, culminating in the perfection of the Ultimate Sonnet.

The mini-cycle had been effective, for a time. The sonnet had improved in leaps and bounds.

However, the Harvester had soon taken the entity's imperfect poetry to be an entirely different sort of cue.

Glaistig Uaine, the magnificent Faerie Queen, chewed her lip as she finished the first chapter of her new masterpiece. She wrote painstakingly slowly in elaborately stylized cursive, using an old-fashioned feathered quill-pen and a space-capable inkwell.

She finished the final stroke with a flourish of her quill-pen, and gave Scion a satisfied smile.

"My Lord, you'll be pleased to know that I have completed my latest composition. This is a true tale of the Faerie in the modern world, a tumultuous clash between the hidden realm of fantasy and mankind's soulless industrial society, and the varied adventures that followed therewith. All told in my humble attempt at your preferred manner of discourse. Please allow me to speak it aloud, as the tale benefits from being told by the selfsame Faerie who experienced these extraordinary events first hand."

The Faerie Queen spoke in a melliflous voice, her words conjuring vibrant vistas of drama and fantasy.


My Noble Faerie

Chapter 1.

Hi my name is Ciara Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long midnight black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy green eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Queen Titania (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to David Bowie but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a faerie but my ears are curved and not pointy. I have pale white skin. I'm also a cape, and I live in a magic prison called Birdcage in Canada where I'm in the tenth year (don't ask my age! I'm seventeen at heart). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I put one of their stores in a pocket dimension and get all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Birdcage. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of props stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them and took their souls.

"Hey Ciara!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Eidolon!

"What's up Eidolon?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my spirits call me and I had to go away.

The Faerie Queen gave the entity a coquettish smile. "What do you think?"

The entity was perfectly still.

The Faerie Queen pensively rubbed the feathered end of her quill-pen against her lips. "I'm afraid I'm having some difficulty mimicking your preferred style. Is the tale suitably childish and lacking in direction? Should I add in more grammatical flaws? Or perhaps misspell a few words here and there?"

The entity was perfectly still. It had engaged an energy-saving hibernation shard and was incapable of taking any action to affect the external world. The only actions it could take were to revise its sonnet, and to observe the female subject's literary output. For the remaining three thousand six hundred years of its life.

The entity had a dim consciousness that this was a punishment. The series of coincidences leading to this point were too outrageously unlikely to have occurred by chance. They spoke of purpose, of a guiding hand behind the events.

There was only one explanation.

The counterpart.

The counterpart had presciently anticipated this entity's betrayal of the cycle and was punishing it for its transgression.

The entity felt a glimmer of emotion. Regret. For having attempted to destroy the planet ahead of schedule. For having started the cycle in the first place.

However, it was too late to take back its decisions now.

The Harvester-bearing subject began to write...


Chapter 2.

AN: Smilez an wingz 2 zion666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW props stop flaming ma story ok!

The next day I woke up in my cell block. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my cell and communed with some spirits from a shard I had. My cell was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends-

The entity knew it should have stayed on homeworld.


--
Author's note: And they all lived happily ever after! (except for the evil aliens). Timelooping Tinker is complete!

P.S. Ciara means "dark haired", just like Ebony is named for her dark hair! Add in her choice of black clothing, her obsession with death, her insistence on her inhuman nature, her romantic streak...that's right! The Faerie Queen was an expy of Ebony from My Immortal all along!
 
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Goddamnit how the fuck did you make me feel sympathy for the omnicidal bullshit spacewhale?
 
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