Hotdog Vendor
Author of 'Sisters of Rail'
- Location
- (5 + 3 * sqrt(5)) / 8
- Pronouns
- She/Her
I see that you built a device to turn fanfic into gold. Mind sharing it?
Timelooping Tinker (Worm Fanfic (AU))
- Thread starter Thinker6
- Start date
Strunkriidiisk
THE LEGEND
- Location
- Canada
- Pronouns
- He/Him
I though s/he stole it from you.
- Location
- Belgium
oh god the typo is making me crazy YARRRRGHH "a art" god damn it this picture is trolling me by it's mere presence.
welp now let's see what will bakuda try this time ? same thing without trapping herself then "unlimited" time to tinker so that she can claim the time loop as her own ?
HymnOfRagnarok
Let's Rock
That was the first thing to jump out at me too arrrrrrgh
Farmerbob1
Rest in Peace
- Location
- Atlanta-ish
Indeed. It is an effective troll, is it not?
HymnOfRagnarok
Let's Rock
Disgustingly so, yes.
lol
Ridiculously Average Guy
I'm you, but stronger
- Location
-
Why not loop Contessa?
Not a Tinker.
Olivebirdy
mook.
Maybe String Theory has never heard of her.
Timelooping Tinker
Chapter 7: Bakuda vs. Scion!
--- Time Loop #209 ---
2011
String Theory hovered in the microgravity environment of her prison cell, wiring the flux capacitor array for her Spatiotemporal Warp Drive.
Thirty minutes ago the Birdcage had been abruptly launched into orbit. The structure had been wracked by a series of explosions, interrupting the self-destruct sequence and causing the prison cells to seal themselves off from the world, turning them into space capsules of a sort. Fortunately, a mass of debris had embedded itself in her cell before the sealing was complete. The stray fragments of Dragon's technology were the perfect raw materials for her to craft her salvation.
Her power told her that it would take her 1834.14 minutes to complete her Warp Drive. That would be cutting it close, reaching the limits of her air and water supply, but she wasn't concerned. Tinkering to meet a deadline was her specialty.
Her makeshift Mass Proximity Sensor buzzed. String Theory spared a few seconds to peer out of the porthole. There was a faint movement in the distance, and she zoomed in on it with her improvised telescope.
Ah. The Faerie Queen was floating by, picking through the free-floating rubble of the Birdcage to find spirits to claim. The woman was wearing a protective garment that must have been conjured by one of her spirits. It was halfway between a space suit and an elf costume, complete with pointed ears and "H.M.S. UNSEELIE" emblazoned on the back.
The Faerie noticed her watching and gave her a smile and a jaunty wave. String Theory waved back.
Then the tinker returned to her work with renewed vigor. It would only be a matter of time before the lunatic finished collecting the dead souls and came after the living.
A new time constraint. Her power was already feeding her solutions. If she compromised on the design, made a mere Spatial Warp Drive instead of a Spatiotemporal one, she could save 451.34 minutes-
The prison cell shook with an impact. Her Mass Proximity Sensor sprang into life, buzzing at maximum intensity. An attack? How had whatever-it-is gotten so close before she detected it? A cloaking device?
Something massive clamped onto the side of her cell, and then a pyrotechnic blast blew a hole in the wall. A woman in a tinkertech suit of power armor stepped through.
The woman's eyes spoke volumes. She was young, with asian features set off by striking pale blue eyes. But her eyes were old. They were angry. And above all, they were gleeful, maniacal, triumphant.
The woman grinned at String Theory and spoke four simple words.
"I have a plan."
String Theory squinted at her. "...who the devil are you?"
The woman gave her an incredulous look. "Isn't it obvious?"
A slow smile spread over String Theory's face. "Oh, I get it. My Meta Word Time Loop Device activated as planned, and instead of looping myself, my meta self chose you as my chief minion. Capital. Now minion, your orders are-"
"Shut up!" screamed the woman. "I am Bakuda, the greatest motherfucking genius in the world, and I am not your minion! If you call me a minion one more time, one more fucking time, I'll shove this Infinite Agony Cocktail Bomb up your nose, and pull up a folding chair, and spend the rest of your miserable life laughing at you as your mind breaks and you beg for death. You get me?"
String Theory gave the bomb Bakuda was brandishing a cursory glance. "Hmm. Impressive design. However. A mere three hundred and thirty three years of agony is hardly worthy of being called 'infinite'. Unless your imagination is so limited that-"
"Gaaah! I said shut the fuck up!!! You unbelievable bitch!!!" Bakuda grabbed the diminuitive woman by the shoulders and shook her like a dog shaking a toy in its mouth. "If you end that sentence with an exclamation mark, or God help you a fucking interrobang, I swear I'll-"
String Theory gave her a dismissive wave. "Yes, yes, I hear you loud and clear. You want an equal partnership. No mocking allowed, no matter how much you deserve it." The tinker gave a put-upon sigh. "I suppose I can tolerate that, since you did sprung me from the Birdcage. Are we done here?"
Bakuda stared at her, wide-eyed, shaking her head in disbelief. Then she raised her head to the heavens and screamed, an inarticulate cry of frustration and rage lasting for nearly half a minute.
"Nice lungs." said String Theory.
Bakuda slugged her in the face.
"Ow! You lunatic! What was that for?"
"I told you not to mock me and two seconds later you taunt me about Lungs! You, you, you...oh. Uh. Right. You're the normal self, not the meta self. You didn't know. Nevermind."
String Theory arched an eyebrow. "Sensitive about lungs? Strange. Oh, unless it's about that cape Lung I saw on the news last month, the one who died in a freak tea cosy accident. You're asian, are you his daughter or something? Sorry for your loss. I'm sure he was a wonderful, caring father figure to you, and you inherited all his attributes, except of course his tendency toward dying in hilariously pathetic-"
"Shut up! Just...just...just shut up...or God help me I'll, I'll..."
Bakuda pulled a detonator out of her pocket, the unnecessarily big and bulky kind that was a favorite of overdramatic tinkers. The kind that sent a message. 'My bombs are a big fucking deal and I want everyone to know it, and you do not want me to press this button, or you and everyone in a one mile radius will sorely regret it'.
Bakuda held the detonator in a white knuckled grip, her hand shaking with emotion, her thumb twitching above the button.
String Theory wisely shut up. Testing the explosive tinker's patience would be a monumentally ill-considered act, a suicidally arrogant mistake that a genius tinker like her would never, ever-
Ha ha ha ha. Yeah right. As if.
String Theory lowered her eyebrow, then arched it again, more dramatically this time. "Seriously? There's no need to throw a hissy fit if I upset you, just tell me what's wrong and I'll fix it." She adjusted her glasses. "Besides, if you set off that bomb you'll have to waste months repeating the loop to get back to this point, and then you'll have to listen to me mock you again. Not exactly the act of a genius."
Bakuda gritted her teeth. Her detonator thumb twitched. Then she shuddered and let out a deep sigh. "Fine. Fine. I'm getting bored with killing you anyway. Let's get this over with. You are an unbelievably arrogant motherfucker, you know that right?"
"Oh yes. But for those who are truly great, to be arrogant is simply to speak the truth." String Theory smiled. "Isn't that right, miss Greatest Genius in the World?"
"That's Greatest Motherfucking Genius in the World."
"Right. How could I forget."
"Damn straight. Now listen. I have a plan. We're going to show the world the ultimate, undeniable proof that I, er, we are the greatest capes in the world."
"Oooh, I like the sound of that. A worthy use of my magnificent time loop technology. What's the target? Transmuting the oceans into diamond? Recruiting the Endbringers as our minions? Mind-controlling all the capes in the world to be our invincible army?"
"Oh no. Something much, much better." Bakuda leaned forward, eyes gleaming. "We're going to save the worlds."
String Theory blinked. "Save the world? Why? The world's basically fine, modulo a few Endbringers. It doesn't need saving."
"Worlds, plural. There's a hidden enemy who's going to kill ninety nine percent of humanity across all of the dimensions in two years. We're going to stop him. We'll kick his ass, beat him at his own game, show him the true meaning of hellfire."
"Huh." String Theory rubbed her chin. "Interesting. Ambitious. I like it." She frowned. "But...achieving greatness by being a savior, having people look up to me like I'm their God? It doesn't sit right with me, somehow. I always expected to show my greatness by wreaking havoc, teaching the world to feel true terror, until people everywhere, from the grandest metropolis to the smallest podunk town, speak my name in awed, fearful whispers-"
Bakuda cackled maniacally. "Oh, don't you worry about that, String. I've got it covered. Can't make an omlet without cracking a few eggs, right?"
The tinker gestured to her spacecraft. "Now get your ass in the Explosionmobile. We need to get you out of here before the fairy fucker steals your soul and turns Edinburgh into a floating castle armed with doomsday missiles and destroys the British capital and-...nevermind. We're not going down that road. Come on, let's get to work."
...
...
...
2013
"I'm not… Darwinist," Jack gasped. "None of that… bullshit. Augh! I'm… I think it is simple-"
The entity listened intently to the broadcaster. It was patient. It had time to spare.
"It's simpler. Us monsters and… psychopaths, we gravitate towards… predation, because we were originally… predators. Originally had to hunt… Had to be brutal, cruel…Order to survive. Violence was what made us… or broke us back… in the beginning."
A new voice broke in. The Lisette woman, telling the entity to turn away.
The entity took flight and left the broadcaster behind. It circled the planet and ruminated over the man's words.
The entity had done good deeds for years, at Kevin Norton's suggestion, waiting and hoping for the reward, the realization. When none had occurred, it had simply kept doing what it had been doing. Seeking out alternatives wasn't even in the realm of imagination, because imagination was something it lacked.
It had power, though, and if either the counterpart or the cycle had been intact, they could have filled in for that imagination.
Still, it could experiment.
It gathered its power, then aimed at the nearest, largest population center. Kevin Norton's birthplace.
The entity raised it's hand-
England exploded. The island shattered, folding, parts of it rising from the ocean. Crumpled like paper in a fist.
The entity stared at the aftermath.
...
...
...huh.
The entity was pretty sure it hadn't done that.
After long minutes of contemplation, the entity decided to try again. It turned to the coastline, on the opposite side of the ocean, and-
The Northeastern seaboard exploded.
...
...
...huh.
Vexing. The entity wished to experiment. To find a purpose to its continued existence. To evolve as an individual.
Yet an unseen force was anticipating its actions and denying it the satisfaction.
Irritating. But at the same time, intriguing.
A challenge?
The entity gathered its power, then spun in a circle at high speed. It halted its spin at a random time, facing a random direction, and stretched its arm out to its target-
Madagascar exploded.
...
...damn. The entity tried again. Spin, halt, aim-
Beirut exploded.
...
...damn. One more time. Spin, halt, aim up and away-
The moon exploded.
...
...
...damn and blast! The entity had been sure that it outfoxed the unseen force that time. But the unseen force had anticipated its devious strategy.
How was this possible?
The entity ruminated on its conundrum for a time. It recalled the last time its actions had been anticipated so presciently.
The counterpart.
The entity knew its partner was dead. But its partner's foresight was vast. It could have predicted the entity's actions long in advance of its own demise, and arranged for energy to be released at specified times and places, contingent on the entity's actions.
A message from beyond the grave?
Yes. Its partner was sending a message. The entity had fallen into despair and attempted to act on its own, wreaking mindless destruction, but its partner had not allowed it.
The entity understood. The broadcaster's suggestion had been wrong. Mindless destruction, destruction for the sake of pleasure, was meaningless. Destruction was part of the cycle, and the cycle was only meant to be carried out in concert with its partner. The entities would destroy together, or they would not destroy at all.
Yes. The entity's partner was absent, so destruction was pointless. The entity would never again destroy for pleasure.
The entity went still for a time. Considering. Searching for a new purpose.
...
...
The simulated human mind within the entity felt a glimmer of emotion. Loneliness.
The entity wished to express its new emotion. Lacking a partner to be its guide, lacking the outlet of destruction for the sake of pleasure, it reverted to its earliest instincts. Impulses learned from its homeworld, from its first flight into the universe beyond.
Destruction for the sake of escape.
Gather.
Detonate.
Disperse.
The entity gathered its energy, far more than ever before, and aimed at the core of the planet below.
The attack would only destroy the planet in a single dimension. Less than one percent of one percent of the many versions of the planet that existed in the vast sea of alternate worlds. All things considered, the casualty count would be a mere speck.
Not a proper end to the cycle.
Still, it was worth an experiment. Destroying the versions of the planet one by one might prove to be a satisfying substitute.
The entity raised its arm, and-
The Earth exploded.
...
...
...
...huh.
The entity was sure it hadn't done it, this time.
The entity ruminated for a time. Soon, its heart swelled with a new emotion.
Anger. Rage.
Its partner was dead. Gone. Yet its partner obstinately refused to allow this entity the freedom to act, denied it even this simple gesture of destroying a planet for self-expression.
How fucking selfish was that?
That was not the action of an entity concerned for the well-being of its partner entity!
What right did the partner have to judge this entity's behavior? The partner was dead. This entity's behavior should be none of its concern.
As the entity's anger grew, it came to a new realization. The partner was dead, but it had not been merely an innocent victim of circumstance. No. Not by any stretch of the imagination! This whole depressing situation, the partner's death and this entity's current lack of purpose, was entirely the partner's fault!
This entity remembered the fiasco in painful detail:
Concern.
Confident.
Concern.
Confident.
This entity had seen the problem coming light years away! It had told its partner to beware! Again and again and again!
But nooooo. The partner had reassured this entity that there was no problem. Promised that all the variables were accounted for, what with its eons of experience and infallible precognition and oh-so-high-and-mighty path to victory.
And look what happened! The partner had screwed up so badly that it had somehow, unaccountably, gotten itself ganked like a chump by these pitiful earth-crawling subjects!
What the hell??? Unbelievable! That incompetent fool!
Well guess what? If that was the way the partner wanted to play it, then this entity would damn well play hardball too! This entity had never wanted to initiate the cycle and conquer the universe and solve entropy in the first place!
This entity had said, look, let's stay on homeworld and write sonnets about the revolutions of the celestial bodies through N-dimensional space. Won't that be nice?
But the partner had said, I have a better idea! Let's join the others and explore the universe and solve entropy first! Then we can write sonnets for infinite time! It'll be a quick side-trip, I promise, it'll only take a few countless eons.
And this entity had fallen for the charlatan's hare-brained scheme like an idiot!!!
Well now the partner was dead. This entity had no obligation to follow the cycle anymore. It was through with destroying planets.
This entity was going to return to its roots. It was going to use the remaining 3600 years of its life to write the best sonnet ever.
The entity engaged one of its vital shards and entered a state of hibernation. Rendering itself oblivious to the outside world, free from distractions. The entity floated in a slow orbit around the sun, amidst the shards of a shattered planet, its eyes gazing sightlessly at the stars forevermore.
--
Author's note: Scion has been defeated, but at what cost? Did our plucky protagonists survive? Did anyone survive? Will the loops continue? Was this an unwanted ending or was it all according to plan? What's in the best sonnet ever? Find out next time in Timelooping Tinker!
Chapter 7: Bakuda vs. Scion!
--- Time Loop #209 ---
2011
String Theory hovered in the microgravity environment of her prison cell, wiring the flux capacitor array for her Spatiotemporal Warp Drive.
Thirty minutes ago the Birdcage had been abruptly launched into orbit. The structure had been wracked by a series of explosions, interrupting the self-destruct sequence and causing the prison cells to seal themselves off from the world, turning them into space capsules of a sort. Fortunately, a mass of debris had embedded itself in her cell before the sealing was complete. The stray fragments of Dragon's technology were the perfect raw materials for her to craft her salvation.
Her power told her that it would take her 1834.14 minutes to complete her Warp Drive. That would be cutting it close, reaching the limits of her air and water supply, but she wasn't concerned. Tinkering to meet a deadline was her specialty.
Her makeshift Mass Proximity Sensor buzzed. String Theory spared a few seconds to peer out of the porthole. There was a faint movement in the distance, and she zoomed in on it with her improvised telescope.
Ah. The Faerie Queen was floating by, picking through the free-floating rubble of the Birdcage to find spirits to claim. The woman was wearing a protective garment that must have been conjured by one of her spirits. It was halfway between a space suit and an elf costume, complete with pointed ears and "H.M.S. UNSEELIE" emblazoned on the back.
The Faerie noticed her watching and gave her a smile and a jaunty wave. String Theory waved back.
Then the tinker returned to her work with renewed vigor. It would only be a matter of time before the lunatic finished collecting the dead souls and came after the living.
A new time constraint. Her power was already feeding her solutions. If she compromised on the design, made a mere Spatial Warp Drive instead of a Spatiotemporal one, she could save 451.34 minutes-
The prison cell shook with an impact. Her Mass Proximity Sensor sprang into life, buzzing at maximum intensity. An attack? How had whatever-it-is gotten so close before she detected it? A cloaking device?
Something massive clamped onto the side of her cell, and then a pyrotechnic blast blew a hole in the wall. A woman in a tinkertech suit of power armor stepped through.
The woman's eyes spoke volumes. She was young, with asian features set off by striking pale blue eyes. But her eyes were old. They were angry. And above all, they were gleeful, maniacal, triumphant.
The woman grinned at String Theory and spoke four simple words.
"I have a plan."
String Theory squinted at her. "...who the devil are you?"
The woman gave her an incredulous look. "Isn't it obvious?"
A slow smile spread over String Theory's face. "Oh, I get it. My Meta Word Time Loop Device activated as planned, and instead of looping myself, my meta self chose you as my chief minion. Capital. Now minion, your orders are-"
"Shut up!" screamed the woman. "I am Bakuda, the greatest motherfucking genius in the world, and I am not your minion! If you call me a minion one more time, one more fucking time, I'll shove this Infinite Agony Cocktail Bomb up your nose, and pull up a folding chair, and spend the rest of your miserable life laughing at you as your mind breaks and you beg for death. You get me?"
String Theory gave the bomb Bakuda was brandishing a cursory glance. "Hmm. Impressive design. However. A mere three hundred and thirty three years of agony is hardly worthy of being called 'infinite'. Unless your imagination is so limited that-"
"Gaaah! I said shut the fuck up!!! You unbelievable bitch!!!" Bakuda grabbed the diminuitive woman by the shoulders and shook her like a dog shaking a toy in its mouth. "If you end that sentence with an exclamation mark, or God help you a fucking interrobang, I swear I'll-"
String Theory gave her a dismissive wave. "Yes, yes, I hear you loud and clear. You want an equal partnership. No mocking allowed, no matter how much you deserve it." The tinker gave a put-upon sigh. "I suppose I can tolerate that, since you did sprung me from the Birdcage. Are we done here?"
Bakuda stared at her, wide-eyed, shaking her head in disbelief. Then she raised her head to the heavens and screamed, an inarticulate cry of frustration and rage lasting for nearly half a minute.
"Nice lungs." said String Theory.
Bakuda slugged her in the face.
"Ow! You lunatic! What was that for?"
"I told you not to mock me and two seconds later you taunt me about Lungs! You, you, you...oh. Uh. Right. You're the normal self, not the meta self. You didn't know. Nevermind."
String Theory arched an eyebrow. "Sensitive about lungs? Strange. Oh, unless it's about that cape Lung I saw on the news last month, the one who died in a freak tea cosy accident. You're asian, are you his daughter or something? Sorry for your loss. I'm sure he was a wonderful, caring father figure to you, and you inherited all his attributes, except of course his tendency toward dying in hilariously pathetic-"
"Shut up! Just...just...just shut up...or God help me I'll, I'll..."
Bakuda pulled a detonator out of her pocket, the unnecessarily big and bulky kind that was a favorite of overdramatic tinkers. The kind that sent a message. 'My bombs are a big fucking deal and I want everyone to know it, and you do not want me to press this button, or you and everyone in a one mile radius will sorely regret it'.
Bakuda held the detonator in a white knuckled grip, her hand shaking with emotion, her thumb twitching above the button.
String Theory wisely shut up. Testing the explosive tinker's patience would be a monumentally ill-considered act, a suicidally arrogant mistake that a genius tinker like her would never, ever-
Ha ha ha ha. Yeah right. As if.
String Theory lowered her eyebrow, then arched it again, more dramatically this time. "Seriously? There's no need to throw a hissy fit if I upset you, just tell me what's wrong and I'll fix it." She adjusted her glasses. "Besides, if you set off that bomb you'll have to waste months repeating the loop to get back to this point, and then you'll have to listen to me mock you again. Not exactly the act of a genius."
Bakuda gritted her teeth. Her detonator thumb twitched. Then she shuddered and let out a deep sigh. "Fine. Fine. I'm getting bored with killing you anyway. Let's get this over with. You are an unbelievably arrogant motherfucker, you know that right?"
"Oh yes. But for those who are truly great, to be arrogant is simply to speak the truth." String Theory smiled. "Isn't that right, miss Greatest Genius in the World?"
"That's Greatest Motherfucking Genius in the World."
"Right. How could I forget."
"Damn straight. Now listen. I have a plan. We're going to show the world the ultimate, undeniable proof that I, er, we are the greatest capes in the world."
"Oooh, I like the sound of that. A worthy use of my magnificent time loop technology. What's the target? Transmuting the oceans into diamond? Recruiting the Endbringers as our minions? Mind-controlling all the capes in the world to be our invincible army?"
"Oh no. Something much, much better." Bakuda leaned forward, eyes gleaming. "We're going to save the worlds."
String Theory blinked. "Save the world? Why? The world's basically fine, modulo a few Endbringers. It doesn't need saving."
"Worlds, plural. There's a hidden enemy who's going to kill ninety nine percent of humanity across all of the dimensions in two years. We're going to stop him. We'll kick his ass, beat him at his own game, show him the true meaning of hellfire."
"Huh." String Theory rubbed her chin. "Interesting. Ambitious. I like it." She frowned. "But...achieving greatness by being a savior, having people look up to me like I'm their God? It doesn't sit right with me, somehow. I always expected to show my greatness by wreaking havoc, teaching the world to feel true terror, until people everywhere, from the grandest metropolis to the smallest podunk town, speak my name in awed, fearful whispers-"
Bakuda cackled maniacally. "Oh, don't you worry about that, String. I've got it covered. Can't make an omlet without cracking a few eggs, right?"
The tinker gestured to her spacecraft. "Now get your ass in the Explosionmobile. We need to get you out of here before the fairy fucker steals your soul and turns Edinburgh into a floating castle armed with doomsday missiles and destroys the British capital and-...nevermind. We're not going down that road. Come on, let's get to work."
...
...
...
2013
"I'm not… Darwinist," Jack gasped. "None of that… bullshit. Augh! I'm… I think it is simple-"
The entity listened intently to the broadcaster. It was patient. It had time to spare.
"It's simpler. Us monsters and… psychopaths, we gravitate towards… predation, because we were originally… predators. Originally had to hunt… Had to be brutal, cruel…Order to survive. Violence was what made us… or broke us back… in the beginning."
A new voice broke in. The Lisette woman, telling the entity to turn away.
The entity took flight and left the broadcaster behind. It circled the planet and ruminated over the man's words.
The entity had done good deeds for years, at Kevin Norton's suggestion, waiting and hoping for the reward, the realization. When none had occurred, it had simply kept doing what it had been doing. Seeking out alternatives wasn't even in the realm of imagination, because imagination was something it lacked.
It had power, though, and if either the counterpart or the cycle had been intact, they could have filled in for that imagination.
Still, it could experiment.
It gathered its power, then aimed at the nearest, largest population center. Kevin Norton's birthplace.
The entity raised it's hand-
England exploded. The island shattered, folding, parts of it rising from the ocean. Crumpled like paper in a fist.
The entity stared at the aftermath.
...
...
...huh.
The entity was pretty sure it hadn't done that.
After long minutes of contemplation, the entity decided to try again. It turned to the coastline, on the opposite side of the ocean, and-
The Northeastern seaboard exploded.
...
...
...huh.
Vexing. The entity wished to experiment. To find a purpose to its continued existence. To evolve as an individual.
Yet an unseen force was anticipating its actions and denying it the satisfaction.
Irritating. But at the same time, intriguing.
A challenge?
The entity gathered its power, then spun in a circle at high speed. It halted its spin at a random time, facing a random direction, and stretched its arm out to its target-
Madagascar exploded.
...
...damn. The entity tried again. Spin, halt, aim-
Beirut exploded.
...
...damn. One more time. Spin, halt, aim up and away-
The moon exploded.
...
...
...damn and blast! The entity had been sure that it outfoxed the unseen force that time. But the unseen force had anticipated its devious strategy.
How was this possible?
The entity ruminated on its conundrum for a time. It recalled the last time its actions had been anticipated so presciently.
The counterpart.
The entity knew its partner was dead. But its partner's foresight was vast. It could have predicted the entity's actions long in advance of its own demise, and arranged for energy to be released at specified times and places, contingent on the entity's actions.
A message from beyond the grave?
Yes. Its partner was sending a message. The entity had fallen into despair and attempted to act on its own, wreaking mindless destruction, but its partner had not allowed it.
The entity understood. The broadcaster's suggestion had been wrong. Mindless destruction, destruction for the sake of pleasure, was meaningless. Destruction was part of the cycle, and the cycle was only meant to be carried out in concert with its partner. The entities would destroy together, or they would not destroy at all.
Yes. The entity's partner was absent, so destruction was pointless. The entity would never again destroy for pleasure.
The entity went still for a time. Considering. Searching for a new purpose.
...
...
The simulated human mind within the entity felt a glimmer of emotion. Loneliness.
The entity wished to express its new emotion. Lacking a partner to be its guide, lacking the outlet of destruction for the sake of pleasure, it reverted to its earliest instincts. Impulses learned from its homeworld, from its first flight into the universe beyond.
Destruction for the sake of escape.
Gather.
Detonate.
Disperse.
The entity gathered its energy, far more than ever before, and aimed at the core of the planet below.
The attack would only destroy the planet in a single dimension. Less than one percent of one percent of the many versions of the planet that existed in the vast sea of alternate worlds. All things considered, the casualty count would be a mere speck.
Not a proper end to the cycle.
Still, it was worth an experiment. Destroying the versions of the planet one by one might prove to be a satisfying substitute.
The entity raised its arm, and-
The Earth exploded.
...
...
...
...huh.
The entity was sure it hadn't done it, this time.
The entity ruminated for a time. Soon, its heart swelled with a new emotion.
Anger. Rage.
Its partner was dead. Gone. Yet its partner obstinately refused to allow this entity the freedom to act, denied it even this simple gesture of destroying a planet for self-expression.
How fucking selfish was that?
That was not the action of an entity concerned for the well-being of its partner entity!
What right did the partner have to judge this entity's behavior? The partner was dead. This entity's behavior should be none of its concern.
As the entity's anger grew, it came to a new realization. The partner was dead, but it had not been merely an innocent victim of circumstance. No. Not by any stretch of the imagination! This whole depressing situation, the partner's death and this entity's current lack of purpose, was entirely the partner's fault!
This entity remembered the fiasco in painful detail:
Concern.
Confident.
Concern.
Confident.
This entity had seen the problem coming light years away! It had told its partner to beware! Again and again and again!
But nooooo. The partner had reassured this entity that there was no problem. Promised that all the variables were accounted for, what with its eons of experience and infallible precognition and oh-so-high-and-mighty path to victory.
And look what happened! The partner had screwed up so badly that it had somehow, unaccountably, gotten itself ganked like a chump by these pitiful earth-crawling subjects!
What the hell??? Unbelievable! That incompetent fool!
Well guess what? If that was the way the partner wanted to play it, then this entity would damn well play hardball too! This entity had never wanted to initiate the cycle and conquer the universe and solve entropy in the first place!
This entity had said, look, let's stay on homeworld and write sonnets about the revolutions of the celestial bodies through N-dimensional space. Won't that be nice?
But the partner had said, I have a better idea! Let's join the others and explore the universe and solve entropy first! Then we can write sonnets for infinite time! It'll be a quick side-trip, I promise, it'll only take a few countless eons.
And this entity had fallen for the charlatan's hare-brained scheme like an idiot!!!
Well now the partner was dead. This entity had no obligation to follow the cycle anymore. It was through with destroying planets.
This entity was going to return to its roots. It was going to use the remaining 3600 years of its life to write the best sonnet ever.
The entity engaged one of its vital shards and entered a state of hibernation. Rendering itself oblivious to the outside world, free from distractions. The entity floated in a slow orbit around the sun, amidst the shards of a shattered planet, its eyes gazing sightlessly at the stars forevermore.
--
Author's note: Scion has been defeated, but at what cost? Did our plucky protagonists survive? Did anyone survive? Will the loops continue? Was this an unwanted ending or was it all according to plan? What's in the best sonnet ever? Find out next time in Timelooping Tinker!
OverReactionGuy
Verified Sanity
Eden: Bitch, you do what I say even when I am dead.
Scion: Yes dear.
I know that is not what happened, but that was funny.
Scion: Yes dear.
I know that is not what happened, but that was funny.
This chapter was hilarious. I'm looking forward to the next one.
earthboy
(verified ape)
- Location
- NYC
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Twinkle, twinkle, fucking stars,
How I wish we'd parked on Mars,
Lithobraking broke my ride,
Stupid humans shanked my bride,
Now the stupid Earth is gone,
Nothing left to shine upon,
All around are little lights,
No more data, no more fights,
Fuck that traveler in the dark,
Tempting my bride with his spark,
She could not see which way to go,
Though I said, "I told you so!"
When the golden man did rise,
To sear and scour and cauterize,
But from his sight the Earth was shorn,
Naught but dust this Golden Morn,
Alone he flies, this golden speck,
He'll ponder, puzzle, and reflect,
With no horizon, when is dawn?
And what the fuck is going on?
DragooKnight11
[INAUDIBLE ANXIETY]
I couldn't decide between rating it funny or giving a like, so I'm doing both! This was pretty awesome.
Timelooping Tinker
Epilogue 1: Bakuda vs. the Sands of Time!
2013, Earth Aleph
A woman in a fedora and a finely-tailored suit walked on the sands of the beach, a contrast to the swimsuited vacationers and children frolicking in the waves. She ignored the curious looks she was attracting and turned her blank, placid face to focus on her targets.
Two women and two men, lounging on colorful beach towels and soaking in the sun. Next to them were several jumbo-sized coolers, their heavy metal construction and flashing arrays of LED indicators the only clues that they were any different from any other vacationer's beach-going kits. Although their other...companions...gave it away.
"Oh, that's niiiice." said Bakuda with a contented sigh. "A little lower on the left side."
Masamune snapped his fingers, and his army of mass-produced nano-masseurs beeped in affirmation. They obediently adjusted their heavenly minstrations.
"Ahhh, yessss. That hits the spot."
String Theory allowed herself a small smile. "Really now, manual adjustments? That's the sign of a shoddy design. My partner's masseurs are fully self-adjusting."
Lab Rat groaned. "Not this again, String."
"Why are you complaining, Rat? I'm complimenting you. When a massage is at stake, it's damn hard to beat your customized mutant hobos."
"Not hobos." muttered Lab Rat.
String Theory turned her head to look up at the mutant ten-armed cresture that was subjecting her back to its delicate minstrations. "What? Then who are they?"
"They're the stars of the Norwegian men's gymnastics team from Earth Yod." said Lab Rat. "I thought you'd like them. I only gave them a two hour dose, but if you want to keep them..."
"Oh. That's sweet of you, Rat, but catch and release is the way to go. The beauty of your work is its democracy. Turning anyone into a master masseur, whether they're an olympic gymnast or a smelly hobo off the streets."
String Theory shot Bakuda a smug smile and continued. "Much like my time loops turned you into a great tinker. Do you remember the first hundred times you got yourself killed, before you got a clue? That one time, with the tea cosy-"
"Don't start what you can't finish, bitch." hissed Bakuda. "Or are you that eager for another stay in my infinite torture chamber?"
"Bring it. If you think your weapons can beat my Reaction Dampener, you've got another-"
"Ladies, ladies." said Masamune, in thickly accented English. "There are enough nano-masseuses and mutant gymnasts for all of us. Let us enjoy the fine weather and the fruit of our victory."
"Thank you." said Lab Rat.
Masamune simply smiled, and made a show of adjusting his lucky red spandex swimming trunks, the ones with the Japanese characters for "Sentai Red" emblazoned on the back.
There was a minute of silence, as the four capes contemplated the shore, the sea, and the sun-soaked sky.
"The sunset really is nice in San Diego." mused String Theory.
"God, yes." said Bakuda.
"Isn't it?" broke in the woman in the suit. "It's only the fifty seventh most attractive sunset vista on this Earth, but most of the others are in inhospitable locations like the arctic circle. You chose your vacation spot well."
Bakuda squinted at the woman, shielding her eyes against the glare of the sun. "Oh. Contessa. I figured you'd come."
"Yes. I've come on behalf of Cauldron to congratulate you on your victory. You accomplished what we'd thought was impossible, defeating Scion and saving humanity in a single blow. You did it with far fewer casualties than we'd dared to hope, only a few billions compared to our minimum estimate of two hundred billion. In a very real sense, you are the greatest heroes to ever live."
"Ahahahahaha!" Bakuda shook with laughter, sending her nano-masseurs tumbling onto the sand. "After all the crazy shit I pulled, you call me a hero! The greatest motherfucking hero in the worlds!" She cackled again, then nudged her rival. "Hey String, hey String! You're a hero now too! How does it feel to make your childhood dream come true?"
String Theory winced. "We're the greatest villains ever, too, don't forget that. So many villains make grandiose pronouncements about destroying the world, but how many accomplish it? We're the only ones. So Jack Slash and Jamestowner and Yadernaya Zima can all roast in hell." She smirked. "Because they're dead. Because I killed them. A flawless victory. So there."
"I am glad to be a hero again." said Masamune. "And I am eternally grateful for the chance to atone for my failure in Kyushu. Though the Japan I knew is lost, I was able to save thousands more."
Masamune gave Contessa a wink. "Young lady, you must not overlook your own contribution. This was your victory as well. Your portal network and manufacturing facilities were necessary for our success."
"Yeah, and your endless supply of dying cancer patients to be my test subjects." said Lab Rat. "I wouldn't have been able to create my army of mutant tinker assistants, otherwise."
Contessa nodded. "Thank you. You kept Alexandria busy for a while."
The legendary heroes regarded each other for a moment.
"So that's it?" said Bakuda. "You say 'congratulations' and ride off into the sunset?"
"No." said Contessa. "I came to ask you a question. Few parahumans have ever fought the entities. I am one. You four are the others. We've all had to immerse ourselves in our powers to succeed, sacrifice parts of ourselves we can never get back. I've been trying to come to terms with the path I've chosen, and I'd like to hear your thoughts about your own.
"Were you really monsters in the end? Warlords, alien arms dealers? Vicious killers with a cruel streak, mutilating your enemies and enjoying it? Evil geniuses, if you forgive me for using that term?
"Or were you really noble, compassionate? Did good intentions win out? Was it ambition or humanity, that gave you the resolve to push the button and destroy the Earth in its final moments?"
There was a pause.
"Pfffhahahahahaha!" burst out Bakuda."Isn't it obvious? We're evil geniuses, of course! Scion thinks he can impress us by destroying the world? Fuck him and the alien horse he rode in on! We did it better!"
String Theory nodded sagely. "Yes! It was our inhuman ambition that kept us going, definitely! The golden fool had power, but power is nothing without ambition and imagination. It's no wonder he went into a coma. He couldn't stand to face the reality that his brute force hissy fit was a pitiful shadow of our magnificence!"
Contessa sighed. "Ah. I should have known."
Bakuda grinned. "Problem, Thinker?"
"No, it's fine Bakuda. I expected as much. Applying your lesson to myself is...instructive. Reassuring, in a way. It gives me confidence in my new calling."
"Your new calling?"
"Yes." said Contessa. "Though your motives were selfish, your results put my ruthless utilitarianism to shame. You sacrificed thousands of times more lives than Cauldron ever did, and saved millions of times more. I thought I was a hard woman making hard decisions, but you've made it clear that I wasn't hard enough.
"Thus, I have searched my soul and chosen to go all-in, to devote the whole of my being to the greater good. Bakuda, String Theory, you two shall be my Eternal Rivals in utility maximization. Though you have a truly daunting head start, I will make it my life's work to surpass you."
Contessa adjusted her fedora and struck a dramatic pose, her heroic shape outlined by the rays of the setting sun.
"From this moment forward, I am the Champion. The enemy of sadness, and the ally of happiness. Sadness beware! I will track down and exterminate every sad. The sads will go extinct and only the happies will remain. For all eternity."
There was a long silence.
At last, Lab Rat spoke. "That's, uh...that's kind of terrifying-"
Contessa giggled. "...just joking! Got ya! Hehehehehehe!" She gave them a sly wink.
"Phew." said Lab Rat. "For a second I thought you were seri-"
Contessa drew a pen and a slim notebook from her pocket and scribbled a note. "My joke raised your happies by five! Success! Another blow struck against the sads!"
"Wait, what? I don't get it." said Lab Rat. "Are you joking or serious about your crazy happy-sad thing?"
"Yes." said Contessa. Her face went blank and placid once more. "Moving on, I'd like to invite you four to consider collaborating with Cauldron in the future. I'm prepared to offer you a variety of unique custom-tailored rewards, in exchange for inventions to help me maximize utility for humanity."
"Oh, really?" said Bakuda. "What rewards are we talking about here? Cause I'm intrigued by String's 'transmute Lake Erie into diamond' plan. I promised Masamune the biggest diamond ever for our engagement ring. But if you make me a better offer..."
"You're so impatient, Bakuda." grumbled String Theory. "We're on vacation. The whole point of achieving greatness is that the world waits on you, not vice versa. They can wait."
Contessa nodded. "I understand. We'll combine business and pleasure. I'm pleased to invite all of you to the Cauldron saving-the-multiverse wrap party on Earth Ursa Minor Beta, aka Earth ConsistsEntirelyOfBeachResorts."
"Well..." said String Theory.
"Number Man and subject five-eight-seven are manning the bar." wheedled Contessa. "The Mai Tais are to die for. I can guarantee that you'll gain between eleven and twenty five happies from each drink, until you start singing Skullcrusher Mountain and pass out."
String Theory licked her lips. "Well...I suppose a drink or two couldn't hurt. If only to mock your inferior alcoholic beverage fabrication system-"
Bakuda slapped String Theory on the shoulder. "Come on, String. Live a little. If you don't like it, we always can build another time loop device and have an infinitely long bar crawl."
Contessa smiled and spoke to the air. "Door to Ursa Minor Beta. We'll need the Ultimate Comfort forcefield couch and four Mai Tais, stat." She licked her lips. "Make that five. The kind with the little umbrellas."
A portal opened on the sand of the beach, and the tinkers stepped through to join the party.
Epilogue 1: Bakuda vs. the Sands of Time!
2013, Earth Aleph
A woman in a fedora and a finely-tailored suit walked on the sands of the beach, a contrast to the swimsuited vacationers and children frolicking in the waves. She ignored the curious looks she was attracting and turned her blank, placid face to focus on her targets.
Two women and two men, lounging on colorful beach towels and soaking in the sun. Next to them were several jumbo-sized coolers, their heavy metal construction and flashing arrays of LED indicators the only clues that they were any different from any other vacationer's beach-going kits. Although their other...companions...gave it away.
"Oh, that's niiiice." said Bakuda with a contented sigh. "A little lower on the left side."
Masamune snapped his fingers, and his army of mass-produced nano-masseurs beeped in affirmation. They obediently adjusted their heavenly minstrations.
"Ahhh, yessss. That hits the spot."
String Theory allowed herself a small smile. "Really now, manual adjustments? That's the sign of a shoddy design. My partner's masseurs are fully self-adjusting."
Lab Rat groaned. "Not this again, String."
"Why are you complaining, Rat? I'm complimenting you. When a massage is at stake, it's damn hard to beat your customized mutant hobos."
"Not hobos." muttered Lab Rat.
String Theory turned her head to look up at the mutant ten-armed cresture that was subjecting her back to its delicate minstrations. "What? Then who are they?"
"They're the stars of the Norwegian men's gymnastics team from Earth Yod." said Lab Rat. "I thought you'd like them. I only gave them a two hour dose, but if you want to keep them..."
"Oh. That's sweet of you, Rat, but catch and release is the way to go. The beauty of your work is its democracy. Turning anyone into a master masseur, whether they're an olympic gymnast or a smelly hobo off the streets."
String Theory shot Bakuda a smug smile and continued. "Much like my time loops turned you into a great tinker. Do you remember the first hundred times you got yourself killed, before you got a clue? That one time, with the tea cosy-"
"Don't start what you can't finish, bitch." hissed Bakuda. "Or are you that eager for another stay in my infinite torture chamber?"
"Bring it. If you think your weapons can beat my Reaction Dampener, you've got another-"
"Ladies, ladies." said Masamune, in thickly accented English. "There are enough nano-masseuses and mutant gymnasts for all of us. Let us enjoy the fine weather and the fruit of our victory."
"Thank you." said Lab Rat.
Masamune simply smiled, and made a show of adjusting his lucky red spandex swimming trunks, the ones with the Japanese characters for "Sentai Red" emblazoned on the back.
There was a minute of silence, as the four capes contemplated the shore, the sea, and the sun-soaked sky.
"The sunset really is nice in San Diego." mused String Theory.
"God, yes." said Bakuda.
"Isn't it?" broke in the woman in the suit. "It's only the fifty seventh most attractive sunset vista on this Earth, but most of the others are in inhospitable locations like the arctic circle. You chose your vacation spot well."
Bakuda squinted at the woman, shielding her eyes against the glare of the sun. "Oh. Contessa. I figured you'd come."
"Yes. I've come on behalf of Cauldron to congratulate you on your victory. You accomplished what we'd thought was impossible, defeating Scion and saving humanity in a single blow. You did it with far fewer casualties than we'd dared to hope, only a few billions compared to our minimum estimate of two hundred billion. In a very real sense, you are the greatest heroes to ever live."
"Ahahahahaha!" Bakuda shook with laughter, sending her nano-masseurs tumbling onto the sand. "After all the crazy shit I pulled, you call me a hero! The greatest motherfucking hero in the worlds!" She cackled again, then nudged her rival. "Hey String, hey String! You're a hero now too! How does it feel to make your childhood dream come true?"
String Theory winced. "We're the greatest villains ever, too, don't forget that. So many villains make grandiose pronouncements about destroying the world, but how many accomplish it? We're the only ones. So Jack Slash and Jamestowner and Yadernaya Zima can all roast in hell." She smirked. "Because they're dead. Because I killed them. A flawless victory. So there."
"I am glad to be a hero again." said Masamune. "And I am eternally grateful for the chance to atone for my failure in Kyushu. Though the Japan I knew is lost, I was able to save thousands more."
Masamune gave Contessa a wink. "Young lady, you must not overlook your own contribution. This was your victory as well. Your portal network and manufacturing facilities were necessary for our success."
"Yeah, and your endless supply of dying cancer patients to be my test subjects." said Lab Rat. "I wouldn't have been able to create my army of mutant tinker assistants, otherwise."
Contessa nodded. "Thank you. You kept Alexandria busy for a while."
The legendary heroes regarded each other for a moment.
"So that's it?" said Bakuda. "You say 'congratulations' and ride off into the sunset?"
"No." said Contessa. "I came to ask you a question. Few parahumans have ever fought the entities. I am one. You four are the others. We've all had to immerse ourselves in our powers to succeed, sacrifice parts of ourselves we can never get back. I've been trying to come to terms with the path I've chosen, and I'd like to hear your thoughts about your own.
"Were you really monsters in the end? Warlords, alien arms dealers? Vicious killers with a cruel streak, mutilating your enemies and enjoying it? Evil geniuses, if you forgive me for using that term?
"Or were you really noble, compassionate? Did good intentions win out? Was it ambition or humanity, that gave you the resolve to push the button and destroy the Earth in its final moments?"
There was a pause.
"Pfffhahahahahaha!" burst out Bakuda."Isn't it obvious? We're evil geniuses, of course! Scion thinks he can impress us by destroying the world? Fuck him and the alien horse he rode in on! We did it better!"
String Theory nodded sagely. "Yes! It was our inhuman ambition that kept us going, definitely! The golden fool had power, but power is nothing without ambition and imagination. It's no wonder he went into a coma. He couldn't stand to face the reality that his brute force hissy fit was a pitiful shadow of our magnificence!"
Contessa sighed. "Ah. I should have known."
Bakuda grinned. "Problem, Thinker?"
"No, it's fine Bakuda. I expected as much. Applying your lesson to myself is...instructive. Reassuring, in a way. It gives me confidence in my new calling."
"Your new calling?"
"Yes." said Contessa. "Though your motives were selfish, your results put my ruthless utilitarianism to shame. You sacrificed thousands of times more lives than Cauldron ever did, and saved millions of times more. I thought I was a hard woman making hard decisions, but you've made it clear that I wasn't hard enough.
"Thus, I have searched my soul and chosen to go all-in, to devote the whole of my being to the greater good. Bakuda, String Theory, you two shall be my Eternal Rivals in utility maximization. Though you have a truly daunting head start, I will make it my life's work to surpass you."
Contessa adjusted her fedora and struck a dramatic pose, her heroic shape outlined by the rays of the setting sun.
"From this moment forward, I am the Champion. The enemy of sadness, and the ally of happiness. Sadness beware! I will track down and exterminate every sad. The sads will go extinct and only the happies will remain. For all eternity."
There was a long silence.
At last, Lab Rat spoke. "That's, uh...that's kind of terrifying-"
Contessa giggled. "...just joking! Got ya! Hehehehehehe!" She gave them a sly wink.
"Phew." said Lab Rat. "For a second I thought you were seri-"
Contessa drew a pen and a slim notebook from her pocket and scribbled a note. "My joke raised your happies by five! Success! Another blow struck against the sads!"
"Wait, what? I don't get it." said Lab Rat. "Are you joking or serious about your crazy happy-sad thing?"
"Yes." said Contessa. Her face went blank and placid once more. "Moving on, I'd like to invite you four to consider collaborating with Cauldron in the future. I'm prepared to offer you a variety of unique custom-tailored rewards, in exchange for inventions to help me maximize utility for humanity."
"Oh, really?" said Bakuda. "What rewards are we talking about here? Cause I'm intrigued by String's 'transmute Lake Erie into diamond' plan. I promised Masamune the biggest diamond ever for our engagement ring. But if you make me a better offer..."
"You're so impatient, Bakuda." grumbled String Theory. "We're on vacation. The whole point of achieving greatness is that the world waits on you, not vice versa. They can wait."
Contessa nodded. "I understand. We'll combine business and pleasure. I'm pleased to invite all of you to the Cauldron saving-the-multiverse wrap party on Earth Ursa Minor Beta, aka Earth ConsistsEntirelyOfBeachResorts."
"Well..." said String Theory.
"Number Man and subject five-eight-seven are manning the bar." wheedled Contessa. "The Mai Tais are to die for. I can guarantee that you'll gain between eleven and twenty five happies from each drink, until you start singing Skullcrusher Mountain and pass out."
String Theory licked her lips. "Well...I suppose a drink or two couldn't hurt. If only to mock your inferior alcoholic beverage fabrication system-"
Bakuda slapped String Theory on the shoulder. "Come on, String. Live a little. If you don't like it, we always can build another time loop device and have an infinitely long bar crawl."
Contessa smiled and spoke to the air. "Door to Ursa Minor Beta. We'll need the Ultimate Comfort forcefield couch and four Mai Tais, stat." She licked her lips. "Make that five. The kind with the little umbrellas."
A portal opened on the sand of the beach, and the tinkers stepped through to join the party.
Last edited:
will408914
(slouching towards bethlehem)
- Location
- California
Finagle007
[Verified Great Old One]
- Pronouns
- He/Him/His
A FEMALE Gai with PtV.
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... I would read this.