Chapter 99
New
LD1449
To the last; Kill them all
- Location
- The other side of the labyrinth.
Chapter 99:
Druv Kajan didn't consider himself particularly smart Twi'lek. He knew what was right and what he wanted, which was the Twi'leks freed from under the iron palanquin of the Hutts.
Anything in pursuit of that he was normally ok to do.
This latest scheme though… he would admit it made him uneasy.
Kidnapping a Hutt was a big deal.
Normally he would have been all for it. Hitting the Hutts where it hurts was the only way to achieve any lasting results.
The problem was… honestly everything else.
For one thing, the Hutt in question wasn't a giant, ten thousand pound slug. It was a baby, one he was in charge of ferrying around in a handbasket. That's how small it was.
Second, it was Jabba's baby.
And unlike some Hutts, Jabba could send, and did, a literal army to go get his boy back.
Druv didn't consider himself smart, but he knew that this had escalated far beyond anything that was in their control.
It felt like they were holding a Nexu by the ears. You didn't like it, but you didn't dare let it go.
Listening to Kabir and Vedant arguing back and forth for the last three days on what they should do kept adding to his certainty that they were now in way over their heads.
Return the kid, negotiate with the kid as a bargaining chip, run away from Ryloth, give the kid to the Mandalorians, all of these things carried so many risks and ways that it could blow up in their faces.
"I'm telling you, we don't have a fucking choice! If we lose the kid, we lose all our leverage!"
"We barely even have any leverage to begin with! The second we send a message we'll be tracked and hit with every two-bit bounty hunter and scumbag Jabba's brought in here!"
"They won't! Or we kill the kid!"
Druv tried not to wince at that. He was comfortable trying almost any of the options but honestly, killing the kid wasn't one of them.
The little drooler had grown on him.
Like mold.
Or fungus.
As if to provide an accent to his thoughts, Rotta - that was the little drooler's name - gurgled and tried to gnaw on the hand holding the basket.
Suddenly, the comline to the security team at the front entrance opened up.
"What is it, Gaius?" Kabir barked, his yellow skin looking almost sickly in its sheen.
"Yeah, uhhh, Boss, we got Mandalorians flying our way. Bout a dozen of 'em on jetpacks."
Kabir rounded on Vedant snarling. "You went behind my back on this!"
"Don't you look at me you bleeding idiot! You've scared the whole damn crew a million times over with how much heat this plan of yours brought on us. It was only a matter of time before someone leaked it just to get this bomb off our laps!" He shouted, gesturing towards Rotta.
But Druv, through the rapidly escalating argument heard something very peculiar through Gaius' comm, muttered under his breath, not realizing the line was still open.
"Is it just me, or is that one flying without a jetpack?"
—
Obi Wan:
Answer: Host helped us slay [Warrior] entity.
The words rolled around in Obi-Wan's head. They'd been doing so for the last few days, really.
If the Queen Administrator, judging by the language and context, was a shard of this… Warrior entity, what exactly could constitute something of that magnitude? That scale?
And how in the Force could Taylor have contributed in any way in destroying something like that?
She hadn't had the Force; her control over insects, while impressive and powerful in its own right against normal people, was notable, but there was no feasible way it was applicable to entities on the scale of the Administrator and he assumed the Warrior.
It was just… it boggled the mind and-
"I'm thinking red and gold."
Obi-Wan had to blink, staring uncomprehendingly at his bowl of nominal salad for a few seconds as he was wrenched from his thoughts, turning his eyes up towards Anakin who chewed on the crunchy mix of vegetables, nuts and meat with a thoughtful frown on his face.
"Beg pardon?" He said, his brain still not quite understanding.
"A color scheme for the 501st." Anakin nodded. "Gold and red."
Obi-Wan's mouth opened, closed, opened and closed.
"I… what?"
Anakin finally looked at him, frowning with a mouthful of… whatever these plants and foodstuffs were. "You ok, Obi-Wan?" His student asked him as if he were the one acting oddly. "It's a pretty simple thing. The 501st should have its own color scheme. Gold and red."
"Anakin…" Obi-Wan tried not to sputter, but really, just… how. "We just met with a being that challenges all that we knew about life and evolution in our galaxy. We've delved very deeply, possibly too deeply in the eddies and currents of the Force, a Jedi Master has been put to sleep for three days and her Padawan now feels odd in the Force as well. How are you thinking about color schemes for the clones!? Not even Logistics or organization, things that would be useful, but color schemes?"
Anakin shrugged. "Noble team is black and gold, I hear Vicky's looking to make her legion white and gold, so why not join the trend? Red and gold sounds like a really sweet color scheme if you pull it off tastefully." The boy nodded to himself as Obi-Wan had to repeat, several times, in his head that Jedi were not allowed to beat their students over the head with their lightsaber hilts.
"And besides, it can totally be useful." Anakin grinned. "Quick identification of our men, the morale boost of knowing the 501st is there, propaganda and recruitment reels. As Vicky would say, don't underestimate good marketing, Master."
…
"Jedi are not allowed to hate."
"Jedi are not allowed to hate."
"He's your student… and no you can't revoke his knighthood just because he annoys you."
Obi-Wan glared, staring deadpan as Anakin stuffed his gob with yet more food with a stupid blasted smile on his face, showing that he knew exactly how annoying he was being.
"Are you seriously unbothered by anything that happened?" He asked. "Nothing of it even phased you?"
Anakin shrugged. "What are we gonna do by dwelling on it, Master? Taylor's still resting, and I'm sure when she wakes up they'll be talking about it. After those talks, there'll be more talks and so on until everythings sorted out or we go in for a second run. I guess I just don't see much point in going round in circles about it."
Again, Obi-Wan's mouth opened, closed, opened and closed.
He was not going to say his student had a point…
That would just be feeding his ego.
Instead, the Jedi Master groaned, leaning forward to cradle his head in his hands. "You're impossible."
"I would describe myself as easy going." Anakin cheekily replied.
The entry door to their lodging area opened, and Master Plo Koon and Ahsoka marched in.
"Ahh," Anakin smiled, raising his hand with the utensil still between his fingers. "Snips, Master Plo."
"Hey, Master."
"Knight Skywalker. Master Kenobi."
The two new arrivals greeted them easily, and Obi-Wan took it as a good sign.
Though, Karla was not with them so… perhaps not.
Even so… "How did the testing go?" Obi-Wan asked, perhaps betraying his urgency by leaning forward just a bit.
"It… proceeded." Master Plo answered haltingly.
"We're not really sure what's going on." Ahsoka summarized with a shrug. "Masters Plo, Gallia and Yoda meditated with us, but…" She trailed off, shrugging.
Obi-Wan turned to Plo Koon in confusion.
The Kel Dor sighed, shoulders sagging. "We attempted another communion with… this new entity. But I believe it was… too young. It was startled. I think."
"Too young?" Obi-Wan blinked.
"Do these things even age like we do?" Anakin asked curiously, mouth stuffed with food, again!
The Council member got the feeling that his colleague was resisting the urge to throw up his hands in helplessness. "We do not know. As I said, I believe it was startled. It did not speak to us, but we didn't notice anything… awry with young Karla."
"So what powers did she get!?" Anakin asked, and Obi-Wan stopped himself from looking at him because if his student even looked half as giddy as he sounded, he would not be held responsible for the titanic head slap he would deliver.
"We're unsure."
"Oh, come on!"
"That's what I said." Ahsoka helpfully piped up.
Plo Koon sighed, fingers rising to press against a spot on his forehead, as if trying to stave off a headache. "We thought it best to avoid testing until Master Hebert wakes up. She has the most experience dealing with this type of thing after all."
"Where is Karla now?" Obi-Wan asked.
"She accompanied Master Yoda… or perhaps that was the other way around, to go check on Master Hebert."
"We really don't know anything?" Anakin needled, and Obi-Wan had to do a double take to see his idiot of a student was indeed trying to give Plo Koon sad eyes.
Did the communion revert him to a bloody child!?
Plo Koon sighed. "We're beginning to suspect there is some kind of… mental aspect to it. I believe Victoria and Taylor perhaps would have classified it as a Thinker power?"
"Oh yeah." Anakin nodded. "They had a little song about the categories too. How did that go again?"
Obi-Wan ignored him. "Is there any word or estimate at least as to when Master Hebert will awaken?"
"Master Yaddle and Master Gallia have been by her side, overseeing her recovery." Plo Koon nodded. "Tonight, or early tomorrow most likely."
Obi-Wan nodded. "We can hope-"
"Are you guys ever actually going to tell me what happened out there?" Ahsoka chimed in.
"Super happy fun times." Anakin answered immediately.
Ahsoka offered him a very dry, flat look. "Master, I'm not an idiot." She groused.
"No-" Anakin conceded easily with a cheeky smirk. "-but you are jealous you missed out on the 'super happy fun times'."
As Ahsoka's tiny fist smacked him in the shoulder, Obi-Wan sighed, realizing that while his student had certainly distracted his Padawan from her questioning, just… why did he have to be like this while doing so?
Then again, Obi-Wan himself was distracted from his own… concerns. So maybe there was more to Anakin acting like a child right now for everyone around him.
"By the way, Master Plo, you think gold and red work as a color scheme, right?"
…
"Wouldn't that look really gaudy?" Ahsoka asked.
"Not if you have the right shades of gold and red. Slightly darker tones on the spectrum, I think." Plo Koon mused.
Obi-Wan did his best to count back from ten.
—
Tarkiv Wren
Tarkiv Wren was rapidly beginning to reevaluate many things in his life.
All within the last five minutes, really.
When the bloody senator of Mandalore, the vizier to the Duchess Satine had shown up, literally on their bloody doorstep unannounced, he knew he was in for a damn shit show.
Escorting politicians, guarding politicians, was never fun.
Buncha pompous shits that had never been outside of air conditioned rooms with filtered scents, soft silks and cushioned seats. Never had to work a day in their lives.
He felt, at the time, that she should have just sent her orders and they would've handled it like professionals and dealt with things. No need for the encumbrance of her presence.
When the higher ups had given information that they had on Rotta's whereabouts, then came the first of the surprises.
The vizier could apparently fly.
Without a jetpack.
Strange, certainly, and he wondered how she did it, but he hardly wanted her on a mission with him and his squad. She wasn't even armed or armored.
It made no bloody sense and he said as much, not that she cared.
When they approached the Twi'lek hidden base where Rotta was supposedly being held, he thought she was wasting even more time when she said: "Let me handle this."
Typical politician, he'd thought. Wasting time talking and giving them advance warning when just hitting them hard and fast would just get the job done sooner with a lot less risk.
Then she proceeded to… well… 'handle it'.
He could have probably… well… accepted her actually being ready to fight, but her quite literally walking through a hail of gunfire, explosions and walls with nothing more than a (increasingly tattered) dress was something he was finding particularly hard to swallow.
The only communication she offered them was just a demanding look towards Farghel, their tech specialist, who was tracking life signs in the base.
And all Farghel would answer with was a shaky, pointed finger.
She'd walk into the next room, usually through a wall, beat the hell out of whatever Twi'leks were inside, and then do the same thing over and over and over again.
Watching a rather gorgeous half naked woman folding a bunch of idiots in half was supposed to be… well… not terror inducing. It should have been quite a different reaction, but he was too scared for the 'other reaction', really.
This woman was bloody terrifying.
Finally, the woman kicked in a new door into one final room where three Twi'leks, a blue one, a green one and a yellow one were, holding guns in trembling hands, with a happily gurgling baby slug.
Lady Alexandria paused, the dust settling around the destroyed ruins of the wall.
The yellow Twi'lek shot her.
It worked about as well as the other half a million shots before this.
Alexandria just stood there, the blaster bolts literally not doing anything until the Twi'lek finally had to release the trigger lest the whole rifle overheat.
With a rustle of… well… rags, the last of Alexandria's clothes fell off.
She really was gorgeous, but there was a spectrum between beauty and fear, and she was just too far in one direction for him. He could admit that he'd let a braver soul deal with that if anyone ever mustered up the courage.
Finally the woman took a breath. "I'm going to put on a new cloak now." She said. "Put a hole in it and I will put a hole in you." She promised.
She snapped her fingers in Tarkiv's general direction and before he knew it, he was ripping off Daxon's cloak, almost choking the man to hand it to her.
"If by the time I put this on Rotta the Hutt isn't in the hands of one of my Mandalorians, we will have problems.
Tarkiv suddenly had an armful of wiggling slug… and he wasn't sure what to do with it.
Alexandria finished fastening the cloak around herself, once more becoming clothed.
"Now. Who came up with this plan of kidnapping the VIP kid?"
The Twi'leks didn't answer.
But apparently they didn't need to.
She turned towards the yellow Twi'lek.
"Captain Wren."
"Yes, Lady Alexandria?" The captain straightened.
"Take this one into custody for rank stupidity."
They didn't exactly have prison facilities in their camp, but he was pretty sure the Captain was gonna make them.
The Vizier asked for a prisoner, she'd get a prisoner.
She turned to the other two. "Which of you two thought this plan was stupid?"
Again, the three Twi'leks didn't answer.
Again, they didn't need to.
She pointed towards the blue one that had been holding Rotta previously.
"You'll do. You're in charge now." She said simply. "You'll be working closely with Clan Wren and reporting to me. You won't be doing anymore stupid plans. If I have to come back here, there will be problems. For you specifically. Make sure I don't have to come back here."
She turned around, plucking the wriggling Rotta out of Tarkiv's arms as the little slug was trying to chew through his vambrace, tiny hands now reaching for the piece of armor.
Cradling the baby Hutt in her arms she tossed a look towards the Twi'leks and Mandalorian squad. "Don't. Fuck. Up."
And she floated out of the new door she'd made.
There was a moment of silence, a long, LONG silence.
The blue Twi'lek finally threw up his hands.
"WHAT!?"
Tarkiv agreed.
—
CT-45621
45621, or now known as Crisis Manager by his brothers, had never known that the sound of someone marching onto the bridge could fill his heart with dread, but there it was.
Neither did he ever think he'd understand the people who claimed breathing into a bag helped. But right now he could certainly understand.
If paper bags existed on this ship, he'd be using it.
Alas, they didn't.
And so the comms officer had to grip the metal of his workstation like a lifeline to stop himself from trembling, watching as Lady Alexandria made her way towards the Chancellor with what looked like hand me down clothes and a moth-eaten cloak.
Palpatine raised an eyebrow. "Did you get mugged by street rats?"
"Bite me." Alexandria sneered, holding up Rotta. "We got him back. So call up Jabba and settle on an agreement that gets them to fuck off so we can go home and get back to actual politics."
With the press of a button the hail was sent out, calling the opposing fleet.
Crisis could certainly agree. Going home sounded really, really good right now.
The line opened up, a Nikto subcommander answering. "Yea-"
"Me?"
Oh no…
Palpatine's hand shot out, pressing a button and dropping the line as he shook his head. "Oh no no, my dear. I'll remind you again, this is your mess. I was merely delaying things until you secured the child. You negotiate now."
The line came back up.
This time Alexandria hung up, shaking her head. "Right, so I can walk into whatever political landmine you set up for me while I was busy down there? No. You call them and you talk. I'll intervene if you're pulling something.
Again the line came up-
And was immediately hung up again.
"And you expect me to just negotiate with no knowledge of how you bungled your way into however many war crimes down there so when I return home I need to answer why I authorized such a brutal operation against the Twi'leks?"
The line rang.
And was hung up.
"Bungled!?"
The Chancellor smirked. "Not denying the war crimes part, I see."
"You're not denying the political landmine thing either."
"No, I didn't.
Crisis looked down at his systems.
…Maybe he should just let them shoot without telling these two that the opposing fleet's weapons were being charged?
Sounded like a really, really good idea right about now…
(X)(X)(X)
Alright so; this chapter I'll admit is a little wonky, but difficulties in RL kinda made me cut the previous chapter short which meant that this one was filled with things that should have been in Chapter 98 and things had to be worked around but regardless I hope you all liked it anyway in spite of the wonkiness. Next chapter we're back to proper pacing and we'll be able to find out what exactly happened with Karla and the aftermath towards Taylor as they make their way back to Corruscant to meet up with everyone before we finally proceed to the "last arc" before my big break where I will be taking off in order to go and finish my original work.
This chapter was obviously meant to be more humorous than anything. Alexandria and Palpatine will have far far more serious moments in the future; but for now its fun to just take the piss on the absurdity of the two of them a bit.
Just a bit though. This won't become a parody fic
Next chapter is a pretty important interlude and we've got 2 more chapters beyond that ahead of time on Patreon for just $1.00 for those of you interested along with advance chapters for other works and exclusive artwork. So join us if you're interested
Druv Kajan didn't consider himself particularly smart Twi'lek. He knew what was right and what he wanted, which was the Twi'leks freed from under the iron palanquin of the Hutts.
Anything in pursuit of that he was normally ok to do.
This latest scheme though… he would admit it made him uneasy.
Kidnapping a Hutt was a big deal.
Normally he would have been all for it. Hitting the Hutts where it hurts was the only way to achieve any lasting results.
The problem was… honestly everything else.
For one thing, the Hutt in question wasn't a giant, ten thousand pound slug. It was a baby, one he was in charge of ferrying around in a handbasket. That's how small it was.
Second, it was Jabba's baby.
And unlike some Hutts, Jabba could send, and did, a literal army to go get his boy back.
Druv didn't consider himself smart, but he knew that this had escalated far beyond anything that was in their control.
It felt like they were holding a Nexu by the ears. You didn't like it, but you didn't dare let it go.
Listening to Kabir and Vedant arguing back and forth for the last three days on what they should do kept adding to his certainty that they were now in way over their heads.
Return the kid, negotiate with the kid as a bargaining chip, run away from Ryloth, give the kid to the Mandalorians, all of these things carried so many risks and ways that it could blow up in their faces.
"I'm telling you, we don't have a fucking choice! If we lose the kid, we lose all our leverage!"
"We barely even have any leverage to begin with! The second we send a message we'll be tracked and hit with every two-bit bounty hunter and scumbag Jabba's brought in here!"
"They won't! Or we kill the kid!"
Druv tried not to wince at that. He was comfortable trying almost any of the options but honestly, killing the kid wasn't one of them.
The little drooler had grown on him.
Like mold.
Or fungus.
As if to provide an accent to his thoughts, Rotta - that was the little drooler's name - gurgled and tried to gnaw on the hand holding the basket.
Suddenly, the comline to the security team at the front entrance opened up.
"What is it, Gaius?" Kabir barked, his yellow skin looking almost sickly in its sheen.
"Yeah, uhhh, Boss, we got Mandalorians flying our way. Bout a dozen of 'em on jetpacks."
Kabir rounded on Vedant snarling. "You went behind my back on this!"
"Don't you look at me you bleeding idiot! You've scared the whole damn crew a million times over with how much heat this plan of yours brought on us. It was only a matter of time before someone leaked it just to get this bomb off our laps!" He shouted, gesturing towards Rotta.
But Druv, through the rapidly escalating argument heard something very peculiar through Gaius' comm, muttered under his breath, not realizing the line was still open.
"Is it just me, or is that one flying without a jetpack?"
—
Obi Wan:
Answer: Host helped us slay [Warrior] entity.
The words rolled around in Obi-Wan's head. They'd been doing so for the last few days, really.
If the Queen Administrator, judging by the language and context, was a shard of this… Warrior entity, what exactly could constitute something of that magnitude? That scale?
And how in the Force could Taylor have contributed in any way in destroying something like that?
She hadn't had the Force; her control over insects, while impressive and powerful in its own right against normal people, was notable, but there was no feasible way it was applicable to entities on the scale of the Administrator and he assumed the Warrior.
It was just… it boggled the mind and-
"I'm thinking red and gold."
Obi-Wan had to blink, staring uncomprehendingly at his bowl of nominal salad for a few seconds as he was wrenched from his thoughts, turning his eyes up towards Anakin who chewed on the crunchy mix of vegetables, nuts and meat with a thoughtful frown on his face.
"Beg pardon?" He said, his brain still not quite understanding.
"A color scheme for the 501st." Anakin nodded. "Gold and red."
Obi-Wan's mouth opened, closed, opened and closed.
"I… what?"
Anakin finally looked at him, frowning with a mouthful of… whatever these plants and foodstuffs were. "You ok, Obi-Wan?" His student asked him as if he were the one acting oddly. "It's a pretty simple thing. The 501st should have its own color scheme. Gold and red."
"Anakin…" Obi-Wan tried not to sputter, but really, just… how. "We just met with a being that challenges all that we knew about life and evolution in our galaxy. We've delved very deeply, possibly too deeply in the eddies and currents of the Force, a Jedi Master has been put to sleep for three days and her Padawan now feels odd in the Force as well. How are you thinking about color schemes for the clones!? Not even Logistics or organization, things that would be useful, but color schemes?"
Anakin shrugged. "Noble team is black and gold, I hear Vicky's looking to make her legion white and gold, so why not join the trend? Red and gold sounds like a really sweet color scheme if you pull it off tastefully." The boy nodded to himself as Obi-Wan had to repeat, several times, in his head that Jedi were not allowed to beat their students over the head with their lightsaber hilts.
"And besides, it can totally be useful." Anakin grinned. "Quick identification of our men, the morale boost of knowing the 501st is there, propaganda and recruitment reels. As Vicky would say, don't underestimate good marketing, Master."
…
"Jedi are not allowed to hate."
"Jedi are not allowed to hate."
"He's your student… and no you can't revoke his knighthood just because he annoys you."
Obi-Wan glared, staring deadpan as Anakin stuffed his gob with yet more food with a stupid blasted smile on his face, showing that he knew exactly how annoying he was being.
"Are you seriously unbothered by anything that happened?" He asked. "Nothing of it even phased you?"
Anakin shrugged. "What are we gonna do by dwelling on it, Master? Taylor's still resting, and I'm sure when she wakes up they'll be talking about it. After those talks, there'll be more talks and so on until everythings sorted out or we go in for a second run. I guess I just don't see much point in going round in circles about it."
Again, Obi-Wan's mouth opened, closed, opened and closed.
He was not going to say his student had a point…
That would just be feeding his ego.
Instead, the Jedi Master groaned, leaning forward to cradle his head in his hands. "You're impossible."
"I would describe myself as easy going." Anakin cheekily replied.
The entry door to their lodging area opened, and Master Plo Koon and Ahsoka marched in.
"Ahh," Anakin smiled, raising his hand with the utensil still between his fingers. "Snips, Master Plo."
"Hey, Master."
"Knight Skywalker. Master Kenobi."
The two new arrivals greeted them easily, and Obi-Wan took it as a good sign.
Though, Karla was not with them so… perhaps not.
Even so… "How did the testing go?" Obi-Wan asked, perhaps betraying his urgency by leaning forward just a bit.
"It… proceeded." Master Plo answered haltingly.
"We're not really sure what's going on." Ahsoka summarized with a shrug. "Masters Plo, Gallia and Yoda meditated with us, but…" She trailed off, shrugging.
Obi-Wan turned to Plo Koon in confusion.
The Kel Dor sighed, shoulders sagging. "We attempted another communion with… this new entity. But I believe it was… too young. It was startled. I think."
"Too young?" Obi-Wan blinked.
"Do these things even age like we do?" Anakin asked curiously, mouth stuffed with food, again!
The Council member got the feeling that his colleague was resisting the urge to throw up his hands in helplessness. "We do not know. As I said, I believe it was startled. It did not speak to us, but we didn't notice anything… awry with young Karla."
"So what powers did she get!?" Anakin asked, and Obi-Wan stopped himself from looking at him because if his student even looked half as giddy as he sounded, he would not be held responsible for the titanic head slap he would deliver.
"We're unsure."
"Oh, come on!"
"That's what I said." Ahsoka helpfully piped up.
Plo Koon sighed, fingers rising to press against a spot on his forehead, as if trying to stave off a headache. "We thought it best to avoid testing until Master Hebert wakes up. She has the most experience dealing with this type of thing after all."
"Where is Karla now?" Obi-Wan asked.
"She accompanied Master Yoda… or perhaps that was the other way around, to go check on Master Hebert."
"We really don't know anything?" Anakin needled, and Obi-Wan had to do a double take to see his idiot of a student was indeed trying to give Plo Koon sad eyes.
Did the communion revert him to a bloody child!?
Plo Koon sighed. "We're beginning to suspect there is some kind of… mental aspect to it. I believe Victoria and Taylor perhaps would have classified it as a Thinker power?"
"Oh yeah." Anakin nodded. "They had a little song about the categories too. How did that go again?"
Obi-Wan ignored him. "Is there any word or estimate at least as to when Master Hebert will awaken?"
"Master Yaddle and Master Gallia have been by her side, overseeing her recovery." Plo Koon nodded. "Tonight, or early tomorrow most likely."
Obi-Wan nodded. "We can hope-"
"Are you guys ever actually going to tell me what happened out there?" Ahsoka chimed in.
"Super happy fun times." Anakin answered immediately.
Ahsoka offered him a very dry, flat look. "Master, I'm not an idiot." She groused.
"No-" Anakin conceded easily with a cheeky smirk. "-but you are jealous you missed out on the 'super happy fun times'."
As Ahsoka's tiny fist smacked him in the shoulder, Obi-Wan sighed, realizing that while his student had certainly distracted his Padawan from her questioning, just… why did he have to be like this while doing so?
Then again, Obi-Wan himself was distracted from his own… concerns. So maybe there was more to Anakin acting like a child right now for everyone around him.
"By the way, Master Plo, you think gold and red work as a color scheme, right?"
…
"Wouldn't that look really gaudy?" Ahsoka asked.
"Not if you have the right shades of gold and red. Slightly darker tones on the spectrum, I think." Plo Koon mused.
Obi-Wan did his best to count back from ten.
—
Tarkiv Wren
Tarkiv Wren was rapidly beginning to reevaluate many things in his life.
All within the last five minutes, really.
When the bloody senator of Mandalore, the vizier to the Duchess Satine had shown up, literally on their bloody doorstep unannounced, he knew he was in for a damn shit show.
Escorting politicians, guarding politicians, was never fun.
Buncha pompous shits that had never been outside of air conditioned rooms with filtered scents, soft silks and cushioned seats. Never had to work a day in their lives.
He felt, at the time, that she should have just sent her orders and they would've handled it like professionals and dealt with things. No need for the encumbrance of her presence.
When the higher ups had given information that they had on Rotta's whereabouts, then came the first of the surprises.
The vizier could apparently fly.
Without a jetpack.
Strange, certainly, and he wondered how she did it, but he hardly wanted her on a mission with him and his squad. She wasn't even armed or armored.
It made no bloody sense and he said as much, not that she cared.
When they approached the Twi'lek hidden base where Rotta was supposedly being held, he thought she was wasting even more time when she said: "Let me handle this."
Typical politician, he'd thought. Wasting time talking and giving them advance warning when just hitting them hard and fast would just get the job done sooner with a lot less risk.
Then she proceeded to… well… 'handle it'.
He could have probably… well… accepted her actually being ready to fight, but her quite literally walking through a hail of gunfire, explosions and walls with nothing more than a (increasingly tattered) dress was something he was finding particularly hard to swallow.
The only communication she offered them was just a demanding look towards Farghel, their tech specialist, who was tracking life signs in the base.
And all Farghel would answer with was a shaky, pointed finger.
She'd walk into the next room, usually through a wall, beat the hell out of whatever Twi'leks were inside, and then do the same thing over and over and over again.
Watching a rather gorgeous half naked woman folding a bunch of idiots in half was supposed to be… well… not terror inducing. It should have been quite a different reaction, but he was too scared for the 'other reaction', really.
This woman was bloody terrifying.
Finally, the woman kicked in a new door into one final room where three Twi'leks, a blue one, a green one and a yellow one were, holding guns in trembling hands, with a happily gurgling baby slug.
Lady Alexandria paused, the dust settling around the destroyed ruins of the wall.
The yellow Twi'lek shot her.
It worked about as well as the other half a million shots before this.
Alexandria just stood there, the blaster bolts literally not doing anything until the Twi'lek finally had to release the trigger lest the whole rifle overheat.
With a rustle of… well… rags, the last of Alexandria's clothes fell off.
She really was gorgeous, but there was a spectrum between beauty and fear, and she was just too far in one direction for him. He could admit that he'd let a braver soul deal with that if anyone ever mustered up the courage.
Finally the woman took a breath. "I'm going to put on a new cloak now." She said. "Put a hole in it and I will put a hole in you." She promised.
She snapped her fingers in Tarkiv's general direction and before he knew it, he was ripping off Daxon's cloak, almost choking the man to hand it to her.
"If by the time I put this on Rotta the Hutt isn't in the hands of one of my Mandalorians, we will have problems.
Tarkiv suddenly had an armful of wiggling slug… and he wasn't sure what to do with it.
Alexandria finished fastening the cloak around herself, once more becoming clothed.
"Now. Who came up with this plan of kidnapping the VIP kid?"
The Twi'leks didn't answer.
But apparently they didn't need to.
She turned towards the yellow Twi'lek.
"Captain Wren."
"Yes, Lady Alexandria?" The captain straightened.
"Take this one into custody for rank stupidity."
They didn't exactly have prison facilities in their camp, but he was pretty sure the Captain was gonna make them.
The Vizier asked for a prisoner, she'd get a prisoner.
She turned to the other two. "Which of you two thought this plan was stupid?"
Again, the three Twi'leks didn't answer.
Again, they didn't need to.
She pointed towards the blue one that had been holding Rotta previously.
"You'll do. You're in charge now." She said simply. "You'll be working closely with Clan Wren and reporting to me. You won't be doing anymore stupid plans. If I have to come back here, there will be problems. For you specifically. Make sure I don't have to come back here."
She turned around, plucking the wriggling Rotta out of Tarkiv's arms as the little slug was trying to chew through his vambrace, tiny hands now reaching for the piece of armor.
Cradling the baby Hutt in her arms she tossed a look towards the Twi'leks and Mandalorian squad. "Don't. Fuck. Up."
And she floated out of the new door she'd made.
There was a moment of silence, a long, LONG silence.
The blue Twi'lek finally threw up his hands.
"WHAT!?"
Tarkiv agreed.
—
CT-45621
45621, or now known as Crisis Manager by his brothers, had never known that the sound of someone marching onto the bridge could fill his heart with dread, but there it was.
Neither did he ever think he'd understand the people who claimed breathing into a bag helped. But right now he could certainly understand.
If paper bags existed on this ship, he'd be using it.
Alas, they didn't.
And so the comms officer had to grip the metal of his workstation like a lifeline to stop himself from trembling, watching as Lady Alexandria made her way towards the Chancellor with what looked like hand me down clothes and a moth-eaten cloak.
Palpatine raised an eyebrow. "Did you get mugged by street rats?"
"Bite me." Alexandria sneered, holding up Rotta. "We got him back. So call up Jabba and settle on an agreement that gets them to fuck off so we can go home and get back to actual politics."
With the press of a button the hail was sent out, calling the opposing fleet.
Crisis could certainly agree. Going home sounded really, really good right now.
The line opened up, a Nikto subcommander answering. "Yea-"
"Me?"
Oh no…
Palpatine's hand shot out, pressing a button and dropping the line as he shook his head. "Oh no no, my dear. I'll remind you again, this is your mess. I was merely delaying things until you secured the child. You negotiate now."
The line came back up.
This time Alexandria hung up, shaking her head. "Right, so I can walk into whatever political landmine you set up for me while I was busy down there? No. You call them and you talk. I'll intervene if you're pulling something.
Again the line came up-
And was immediately hung up again.
"And you expect me to just negotiate with no knowledge of how you bungled your way into however many war crimes down there so when I return home I need to answer why I authorized such a brutal operation against the Twi'leks?"
The line rang.
And was hung up.
"Bungled!?"
The Chancellor smirked. "Not denying the war crimes part, I see."
"You're not denying the political landmine thing either."
"No, I didn't.
Crisis looked down at his systems.
…Maybe he should just let them shoot without telling these two that the opposing fleet's weapons were being charged?
Sounded like a really, really good idea right about now…
(X)(X)(X)
Alright so; this chapter I'll admit is a little wonky, but difficulties in RL kinda made me cut the previous chapter short which meant that this one was filled with things that should have been in Chapter 98 and things had to be worked around but regardless I hope you all liked it anyway in spite of the wonkiness. Next chapter we're back to proper pacing and we'll be able to find out what exactly happened with Karla and the aftermath towards Taylor as they make their way back to Corruscant to meet up with everyone before we finally proceed to the "last arc" before my big break where I will be taking off in order to go and finish my original work.
This chapter was obviously meant to be more humorous than anything. Alexandria and Palpatine will have far far more serious moments in the future; but for now its fun to just take the piss on the absurdity of the two of them a bit.
Just a bit though. This won't become a parody fic
Next chapter is a pretty important interlude and we've got 2 more chapters beyond that ahead of time on Patreon for just $1.00 for those of you interested along with advance chapters for other works and exclusive artwork. So join us if you're interested
