The Villainess Is An SS+ Rank Adventurer

[kayenano]

I was no stranger to vast corridors.

Granted, a magical library was a quaint sight. But having yawned my way through the halls of lordly estates and the great vestibule of Reitzlake Cathedral, it would take more than endless corridors to earn my acknowledgement.

And so it proved as I brushed my fingertip against a row of spines.

I briefly paused as a spine jutted 2 millimetres from its section … and smiled.

Sloppy.

Ohohoho!

Yet again, the Royal Villa was a beacon of standards. For as frightful as a dragon was, it was little against the demands of my family!

I glowed with pride.

Our library was somewhat smaller, yes … in fact, it clearly needed expanding. But that didn't detract from the care and diligence it took to ensure our own books were immaculately presented.

Why, even when I accidentally knocked over the poetry anthologies I'd written when I was 7, they remained resolutely stuck in place. Those that I did manage to accidentally remove with a pair of kitchen tongs would magically reappear the next day, rescued from the burning hearths they also accidentally fell in while carried in the diligent arms of my father.

Thus, I held my head high as Coppelia led me through the corridors.

And then I was forced to hold it higher … and higher … and higher.

"Okay!" she said, stopping before a vast door of white marble fit enough to swallow a temple. "We're here now! This is where the big guy snores."

I raised an eyebrow … just as I also raised myself to my toes.

Here, the bookshelves no longer made up the walls.

It was carved stone, etched with words in a script I had no knowledge of. And the greatest was on a door so high I had to crane my neck like an ostrich just to judge it. Pure marble with just a hint of natural weatheredness, somewhat spoiled by a great gash splitting the centre.

"The entrance to a dragon's lair," I mused as I studied the damage. "And it seems someone was too eager to rescue me."

"That's our fault. I don't think we had a sign saying no princess was inside."

Coppelia pondered for a moment, then looked at me.

"Want me to … ?"

"No, thank you." I shook my head. "A time will come where I'm forced to visit a dragon's lair against my will. Or rather, more against my will. Until then, I refuse to accept that my first experience is so lackadaisical. I haven't even screamed once. That's almost disappointing."

I paused.

"But not because I practised my gentle screaming or anything," I said, idly shooing a nearby crab away.

Coppelia giggled–just as she reached for the doors.

"You never know, there's still time~"

Brumumumum.

The doors rumbled as she pushed the doors open.

And then–I promptly held my hair in place as a draft instantly struck me.

Whatever I expected, it wasn't quite this.

Great shafts of sunlight poured through a chasm in the ceiling, highlighting a cavern as wide as a quarry. One that hadn't been chiselled, but clawed and melted. Dark spots covered the walls where they had been met with flames so great many of the surfaces still emitted smoke.

A truly dangerous place. And not just for intruders. For the treasures held here were not beds of gold, gemstones or armoires filled with everyday attire for a princess.

It was books.

An enormous quantity lay before me, almost rivalling the amount found in the main library chamber.

A veritable hoard in its own right, books littered every inch of the cavern like the socks which didn't exist in my bedroom. Amidst them were fallen bookshelves, lying like open chests buried beneath piles of gold. And claiming it all was a single treasure hunter.

A pretty girl with long, wavy pink hair and bright emerald eyes.

Wading through the disorganisation, she was valiantly making an effort at collecting the strewn books.

No older than I was, she wore a frilled pinafore dress, its appearance halfway between a book vendor and a maid's uniform. Yet despite the wildly luminous nature of her hair and the uniqueness of her attire, it was the large golden key at her back which first drew the eye.

The second would be the bundle of books she carried like a circus performer wielding a stack of plates. A skill my couriers could learn to adopt.

"Ow ow ow ow owow."

At least until the heap collapsed, sending her buried amidst a fresh wave of invaluable tomes.

Coppelia smiled brightly.

"That's Fleur," she said, pointing and not helping as the girl's hand pitifully broke through the layer of books. "She's the librarian you heard through my thingy."

I watched as the girl struggled to crawl out as if buried in sand.

For a moment, she almost seemed to break free … only for the books to give way beneath her knees. Then, all I saw was the pink outline representing the top of her freshly buried head.

"She has rather colourful hair," I said simply.

"Yeah."

"... Would that be the reason she's a librarian and you're an assistant librarian?"

"Nah, she's a librarian because she does stuff like look after the big guy's books while he's been kidnapped. You might think it's a mess. And that's because it is. But it's his mess. He'll be grumpy when he gets back. Oh boy, you don't want to see what a grumpy dragon looks like."

"Please. I'm a princess. It's impossible for me to see a grumpy dragon. Either they're overwhelmed at my company or they're overwhelmed that I've rescued them. Your dragon may experience both."

Coppelia giggled, then pointed at the quivering bed of pink hair.

"In that case, you need to ask Fleur for the details."

"She looks like she's busy being in distress … could you not simply relay the details to me instead?"

"If I knew the details, sure."

"Excuse me? Have you not already spoken with this girl?"

"Hey, I've been busy! I had to forage for those blueberries, you know!"

I paused … and then nodded.

"Understandable. Let's see to this dragon business, then."

"Yay~"

Coppelia's enthusiasm prodded me towards the other clockwork doll. One who was now gasping as she finally broke free of her parchment prison.

I sincerely hoped I wouldn't replace her.

My stride became a wade as tomes larger than my arms could carry reached up to my knees. I used them as steps instead, helped occasionally by Coppelia's palms as she kept me upright. As I hopped across the slabs, the pink haired girl finally regained enough of her balance to find her footing.

She looked up as I approached, her eyes widening appropriately … even if it was mostly towards Coppelia. I caught her attention with a final skip towards her. And also a cough.

"Salutations, clockwork doll." I placed my hand upon my chest, offering a gentle smile in the name of first impressions. "My loyal handmaiden and not your assistant librarian informs me that you can be useful. I require information to ensure my visit is as brief and painless as possible. I believe you have a missing dragon. Please point me the correct way so I can extort him after rescuing him."

The girl stared at me.

Then, she turned her attention to Coppelia, who responded with a typical smile and a wave.

"Hi there! I'm back! And look, I brought a–"

"Cooppeeeliiiaaaa!"

The pink haired girl promptly assaulted my handmaiden with a wild lunge at her legs.

Like a fruit slime tackling a shin, she threw her arms around Coppelia's ankles and anchored herself squarely down upon her knees. Globs of fat tears fell down her cheeks as she peered up, all the while ignoring the gathering hole of books slowly collapsing under their combined weight.

I was horrified.

Why … there was a clear social hierarchy here! Before one could throw themselves pitifully at the feet of my retainers, they first had to do it with me!

"E-Excuse me!" I said, trying to catch the bawling girl's attention with a wave. "Please remove yourself from my loyal handmaiden's ankles at once! It is extremely inappropriate to–"

"Coopppeeeliiiaaa!! It's awful!! It's been absolutely awful!!"

"Ahahaha~ I know, I know. Everything's awful when I'm not there. Do you know why that is? It's because I'm amazing."

"No, you don't understand! The master has only been gone for one night and everything is already falling apart!"

"Now that's just exaggerating. I did a quick look just now. Nobody is murdering each other, the books haven't grown sentient and started eating us and I only saw one mysteriously unidentified charred figure. How many hours has it been? 4? 5? … That's great!"

"It only looks that way! Without the master here, we've no way to conjure more cheese!"

Suddenly, Coppelia's expression turned serious.

I, on the other hand, tapped at my ears.

I was going to be doing that a lot, wasn't I?

"Really?" asked Coppelia, her tone earnest. "Is it all the cheese?"

"No, not yet … but the gorgonzola was already low, and now it's almost run out! Even if we stop issuing new visitor passes, we don't have enough for the mages still due to visit!"

"Hmm, that's bad. It's the ones who like gorgonzola you need to watch out for. They're always the most defensive about it. But no worries! I'll make sure to bring all the wedges back!"

Then, Coppelia gestured towards me with a beaming smile.

"Or rather, she will~"

Hearing my cue, I took to the stage.

Standing with a posture that could look down on more heads than existed in my kingdom, I offered a proud smile as I permitted my angelic aura to flick away the darkness enshrouding this bawling girl's clockwork heart.

"Indeed, I have heard the echoing of your woe. The dragon who presides over this mysterious library … and apparently, dairy as well, has been cruelly abducted in the night. Although I do not know the details, I wish for you to understand that I will strive to ensure he is returned safe and sound, drawing from him the maximum compensation for my time as possible."

The girl blinked.

The next moment, she ceased to cling around Coppelia's ankles. Jumping to her feet, she immediately bowed several times.

Such was the depth of the hole she was in, her forehead almost reached my boots.

"That's … That's wonderful! Thank you, both of you, for coming at such short notice! Coppelia, I can't believe you returned! And with a guest as well!"

Her bows turned to nods as she looked up, her eyes practically glittering.

"You must truly be talented. Excuse me for asking, but do you have experience in rescuing dragons?"

"No, but I have experience in fixing everything. And this falls under everything."

"In that case, I knew it was right to tell Coppelia what happened! To arrive so fast and already find the services of a heroine! No matter what the master says, she is not slovenly at all!"

"–Ahaha, he doesn't actually say that … does he?"

The pink haired librarian looked me up and down, assessing me in a way few eyes could.

After a moment, her excitement turned to puzzlement as she realised that no heroine boasted an aura as regal as mine. I might be able to hide my identity, but not my calling.

"... My apologies, but my information regarding Ouzelia's heroines are 74 hours out of date. May I ask whose jurisdiction you fall under?"

"None."

"Excuse me?"

"I am no heroine. In fact, please never call me that. No amount of soap can wash such an accusation away. I am a visitor from afar and an angel from even farther. And while lacking my wings, I shall find this missing dragon of yours nonetheless."

Forgetting to turn her puzzlement back into excitement, the girl turned to Coppelia.

As did I.

Expertly communicating with my eyes, I blinked repeatedly to caution her against giving away my royal identity in this foreign land. She clapped her hands in understanding.

"... She's an adventurer! I brought her with me!"

I let out a wince as the jab cleanly struck.

Seeing my reaction, Coppelia tilted her head quizzically. She then turned to her fellow clockwork doll with a renewed smile.

"She's an A-rank adventurer!"

I took a step back, almost falling over against the weight of the mental strike.

"An A-rank adventurer?" queried the librarian, her eyes as uncertain as they should be. "One that you brought with you?"

"Mmh~ all the way from the Kingdom of Tirea. She offered to help find the big guy."

The other librarian merely blinked.

For a moment, she did nothing but join me in wondering why Coppelia would call me an adventurer and not simply a mysterious, delicate and beautiful maiden from afar. Her cogs spun so loud I could practically hear them.

And then–

"I … I see!" she said with a clap of her hands. "That is … well, that is a bit unorthodox. Ouzelia doesn't have adventurers in the formalised sense that exists elsewhere. But … But if you've answered the call for help, the library will happily accept any and all assistance!"

I held back a groan as I reminded myself why I was here.

Tragic as it was that my first impression was as anything less than a princess, this was no formal excursion. I needed to rescue a dragon, exploit him for it and then return to my kingdom where I could pretend every moment I spent here wasn't a diplomatic faux pas.

It was time to go straight to the heart of the matter.

"The dragon, if you would. Please explain in five words or fewer how he came to be kidnapped, who took him and where he is now."

The librarian blinked.

"I don't know."

Hmm.

Maybe I needed to request she use the entire 5 word allotment. Even with my famed powers of deduction, this was something lacking in clues.

"Is … Is that it?"

"That's it."

"Were the … mandrake alarms not triggered?"

The librarian nodded.

"They were. But it wasn't until later that we realised it was a ploy. We were so focused on defending our books from theft that we didn't imagine the target was not the library, but rather its curator."

She gave a sigh, her shoulders drooping as she looked forlornly around her.

"Virudaax the Learned. An ancient green dragon whose heart lies not in gold, but in wisdom. Before dawn came, the door to his chamber was split. And then he was gone, leaving not even a bookmark behind in his most recent book. He will be most aggrieved by that."

I frowned as I peered up at the chasm above.

"Frankly, unless this dragon was hoisted by an even bigger dragon, I see little that could kidnap him."

"That's because it's true. As an ancient green dragon, the master is not only very large, but shielded in potent magic. An extremely powerful adversary must be responsible. And as of now, we've little idea who. The golems didn't see anyone in the night."

"I see … and so where am I to find this mysteriously vanished dragon, then?"

"You don't."

"Excuse me?"

"You need to find an official hero or heroine."

"Why? I have no luggage that needs carrying."

"Um … it's not to carry luggage. But to find the master. Our heroes are gifted with senses, guidance and luck that the rest of us don't have. Once you find one, they will do the rest."

Ugh.

And so the eye rolling began. Of course I wouldn't survive this ordeal without groaning at least a dozen times in succession.

"An insufferable hero as a dragon hound. Fine. But what do you mean by … do the rest?"

The librarian blinked.

"Well, your part would be done. Once you inform a hero of this issue, they will see it solved."

I nodded in understanding.

"Unacceptable."

"Huh?"

"I did not come all this way from the fair fields of my kingdom just to act as an errand girl. If a hero wishes to assist me with directions, then I may consider it. But I require this Vir …"

"Virudaax the Learned."

"–The big guy."

"Yes, him. I require the big guy to be in my debt. It's not necessary, but it will make the process of extortion smoother. I shall be the one to rescue this dragon."

The librarian stared at me.

She turned to Coppelia, who only whistled in support.

"I … see? Your enthusiasm is really quite … something! And I do really appreciate it! But it really isn't necessary to do more. When it comes to the tales of heroes, the rest of us are simply background pieces."

A moment of silence passed.

And then–

"Ohoho …"

The librarian leaned slightly away. She should be appreciating every moment.

After all, this was my first laugh beyond my kingdom's borders. And she was my first recipient.

"Ohohoho … ohhohohohohoho … ohhohohohohohohoho!!"

I raised my hand to my lips, barely covering my smile.

As two clockwork dolls exchanged vastly differing expressions, it was all I could do to keep my amusement in check. A poor way to shape my first impressions.

But then again, I could hardly allow a jest to go unrewarded.

A background piece?

Me?

Please. That would imply that Ouzelia was even a new play. It wasn't. Until the Royal Treasury was overflowing with taxable income and I was rolling in my orchard, this was still the same act.

And I was more than just its leading figure.

I was a princess. And where I went, I took the very stage with me.

My role never changed. Only the scenery did. And that included the props along the way.

Thus, I offered a beautiful smile as I turned on the spot.

"Very well … let's find us a hero, shall we?"

I began to walk away, basking in the quiet admiration that followed.

Then, I paused and peeked behind.

"... Where is the exit?"

 

[kayenano]

Coppelia skipped merrily ahead, her hair bouncing behind her as she went.

"This is the emergency binding department," she said, gesturing to the left without stopping. "It's where we repair books which have specifically broken at the spines. Don't mind the buzzing. Those are from the killer bee hives. We use a special honey as adhesive to repair the binding."

I leaned away from my left.

"I … I see …"

"This is the review department," she said, gesturing to the right. "We have a panel of expert judges who issue feedback when requested by publishers. You need to skip over the ash and soot spilling out. We have a fire elemental as our head critic. His reviews are always a bit heated."

I leaned away from the right.

"I see …"

"This is the ethics department," she said, gesturing above. "It's where our pelican lives. He watches over the guests and makes sure they're abiding by the rule of never skipping ahead to the ending. If anyone breaks it, he'll squawk in their ear until they write a 1,500 word apology."

I cautiously sent my gaze upwards.

There, peeking out from a hole in the ceiling, was the orange beak of a very large pelican.

I paused … and then gave the pelican an approving nod as I passed.

The only member of staff not to horrify me in some shape or fashion. Yet none of them came quite as close as my tour guide. Her smile was the most alarming thing here.

But the next most alarming thing?

Why, that was everything else.

All at the same time.

The more I was led through these corridors, the less I saw a library and the more a workshop. And I wasn't wholly certain everything was to do with books.

Left, right, backwards and under. No matter where I went, I found myself careening so much that were the nobility to see it, it would instantly become the most vogue dance in my father's court.

Sadly for her and happily for me, all impromptu tours came to an end.

I knew it the moment we stopped before a door so plain it simply had to contain the showpiece horror behind it. And I especially knew it when my other chaperone began fidgeting like a poodle moments before diving for the porcelain.

"This is the last stop," said Flo … Fiore … Fleur. "From here, you can make your way out of the Hidden Library … but before you do so, there's something important we have to discuss."

She swallowed a deep breath.

Suddenly, her smile wore a serious hue. A sombre expression to clash with her vibrant pink hair

"Despite the nobleness of your cause, none who enter the Hidden Library are exempt from the obligations they carry for having walked these halls. And so before you leave, we must ensure that–"

"Stop."

I held out my hand, drawing a puzzled look.

Indeed, I knew well what she wished to broach.

This was no common library. In fact, it wasn't like a library at all, but a menagerie where everything within was something which had escaped from somewhere else.

Regardless, it's clear that only the most purposeful, curious and academically minded like myself were ever permitted to lean away from its walls. It was natural that they wished to ensure those leaving promised not to spill the secrets of their hallowed shelves.

"You've little to fear," I said with a reassuring smile. "After all, I'm hardly some freshly raised baroness from a barn. I would never be so tactless as to reveal this library's existence or the killer bee hives you keep within. Indeed, I've no intention of speaking about Ouzelia at all. Ever. Even under heavy duress and threat of life and limb, I swear that I will ensure nobody under any circumstances knows that I have any connection to this place whatsoever."

The girl blinked at me.

"Oh no! That's absolutely fine. You can speak about the Hidden Library."

"Excuse me?"

"A library is not a vault. Our books are housed to be read."

"... I see? But is it not a hidden library?"

"Yes. But we still need readers. Just not too many. If you just accidentally mention the Hidden Library without ever providing context, that's all we need. Passing rumours ensures that only the most curious ever reach here. And that is why–"

She stepped past me, before gently placing her hand upon the plain door.

"–here is where we ensure the greatest of our secrets are kept, to leave a lasting impression on those who leave. The final hall. Although you've not come for our books or our knowledge, I ask still that you take due consideration to what you are about to see."

I raised a brow, my curiosity piqued.

Not only by the thought of a treasure saved to the very last, but at Coppelia's rare look of seriousness. That in itself was rarer than any lost tome.

"Very well," I said, steeling my resolve. "Then you may show me."

"... Are you certain?"

"Yes. I am ready."

"Good."

The librarian nodded … just as she slowly pushed the door open.

Despite her care, it creaked like the dislocated jaws of some wounded leviathan, grinding and pained.

A dark premonition of what awaited. Yet as I cautiously stepped through, it wasn't to the sight of some cursed relic, tortured magic or peasant with a pitchfork.

No, not at all.

This was far worse.

A cramped hall barely enough to host the attendants to a soirée. But what it lacked in size, it made up for in shamelessness. All of it spelled out by a wooden sign haphazardly balancing against a stool.

The Hidden Library Gift Shop!

NOW OPEN!

Last chance to commemorate your visit!

Limited edition cups, door mats and scarves! 50%-75% discounts year round!

Exclusive memorabilia not sold elsewhere!

(ITEMS SOLD AS IS. NO REFUNDS.)​

I covered my mouth with both hands.

It was so … tacky!

Ensuring no opportunity for the eye to escape, every inch of this hall was filled … with junk!

To my left … junk!

To my right … junk!

Right before me … more junk!

Gone was the carefully curated library, lined with columns of gleaming spines with the organised façade of a brick wall! In its place were waist high tables, pyramid displays and shelves laden with cutlery, tableware, hats and scarves!

I was appalled.

Why, even a glance was too much. The dullness of the ceramics and the threads of the loose knitting was blinding. Yet no matter where I turned, my innocent eyes were waylaid from almost all angles.

Almost.

Because as it was … only a single thing on offer boasted even the slightest bit of use.

A horse.

In defiance of the surrounding barrier of worthless trinkets, this most out-of-place of horses was chewing on his own sale sign in the corner.

Specifically, a draft horse with a very shaggy mane and equipped with both a saddle and a dedicated bakery bag. He looked up as I entered the gift shop, gave a familiar snort, then idly returned to nibbling on his sale sign.

I pursed my lips.

And then–

"... Why is Apple being sold?!"

I paused, then leaned in to study the sign.

"Why is Apple being sold at 97% off?!"

This … This was outrageous!

It was one thing to pretend that a gift shop was a hall of secrets! But to sell my own horse at such a heavy discount was the height of egregiousness!

"Ah, I see you're already interested in the horse!" said the pink haired librarian, her smile changing so rapidly that even trolls would nod in respect. "That's quite the unique memento!"

"A memento?!"

"Yes, we don't often stock horses–oh, but before that, I'd like to formally welcome you to the exclusive gift shop! Here is where the true magic of the library happens!"

I was aghast. Nor was I the only one.

Why, even Coppelia's shock at seeing my loyal steed being illegally fenced at 97% off was so great she couldn't even look!

In fact, she was simply making weird noises with her back turned!

"Heeeeeeeeeeee~"

I threw up my arms in outrage.

"What is the meaning of this?! This is so brazen that even Coppelia can only make strange wheezing sounds! Why is Apple being sold?! … Furthermore, why is he being sold at such a low price?!"

"Apple?" The librarian blinked in puzzlement, then clapped her hands together. "Ah! You've already named the horse? That's good. What made you decide that?"

"Decide?! Apple is my horse!"

"Yes, of course. And all for the low price of … ah, only 8 copper crowns!"

"8 copper crowns?! That is patently absurd! My crêpes cost less than that!"

"Quite the bargain, isn't it?"

"No! It is an unacceptable insult! Does this look like a horse whose cost can be measured in coppers?!"

"Well–"

"Exactly! This is a loyal steed who has braved the heart of common towns and all the odour they gather! Such loyalty means he won't go for anything less than … however much horses usually cost! I demand you sell him at a higher price immediately!"

The librarian gasped.

"Gosh, that's very generous … however, it'd be inappropriate to raise the price. Especially since the horse is large and takes up inventory space. In truth, I was actually considering lowering the price."

I could scarcely believe it.

Here was Apple, a horse who had willingly braved darkness and peasants … and he was being practically given away! … Again!

"You have no right to lower the price! Furthermore, you have no right to even sell him! I am already his owner! This is my horse!"

"Oh? Really?"

"Yes!"

The girl regarded Apple with a look of puzzlement. One she should have displayed before immediately seeking to hoist him away.

"Goodness, how strange! I was told by a staff member that the horse was found wandering in one of the corridors. The mandrakes were trying to hide from him."

"So they should! He has followed me through even the darkness to be here! That is deserving of the respect and fear of all shrieking plants!"

"Oh, goodness, in that case, I'm so sorry! I had no idea. We don't usually permit horses to roam the library."

A look of apology met me. It should have been aimed towards Apple.

Even so, I magnanimously allowed my ire to ebb away … if only because Apple had likely licked half the gifts in this shop.

"Yes, well, I can fix that. If you would kindly show me the exit, I can immediately take Apple away."

"Ah, of course!"

The pink haired librarian nodded.

All while gesturing towards a shelf of cups.

"But before I do–"

"No."

"A commemorative, special edition cup! Only 2 silver crowns!"

"... Why is the cup more expensive than a horse?!"

"These cups are more limited than a horse!"

She duly scooped up a cup before me. I bemoaned that even when giving away my help, those I tried to lift from the throes of despair were my greatest obstacles.

"Excuse me! While it's only appropriate to try to profiteer off my obvious wealth, there is a time and a place! That is not when I'm trying to rescue a dragon! Your dragon!"

The girl looked crestfallen. Coppelia patted her on the shoulder, then sent a pout my way.

I wasn't the least bit moved. Not least because she was supposed to be defending our finances, not encouraging it all away.

"You're right, of course," said the pink haired girl, recalling a more appreciative expression. "I apologise. I can be too excited with the shop. But as wonderful as our range of seasonal, limited edition merchandise is, it's in poor taste to offer them when there are more pressing concerns. I can do it when you return."

"You certainly may," I said with no intention to return.

I received an enthusiastic smile. One which had little to do with rescuing her employer.

Still, the clockwork doll remembered her role enough to walk over to one of the curtained windows.

With a flourish, she swept it aside. Yet rather than sunlight streaming through, it was a door even less impressive than the one to this hidden gift shop. I feared for the worse. And not because some three-headed hellhound was lying in wait.

No … it was something far worse instead.

Ouzelia.

"This is the employee entrance," she said, nodding as she creaked the door ajar. "Our local staff from Witschblume use it to hike to work each morning. It's not necessarily a gentle path, but it's considerably easier than the one used by our guests. That one twists and turns so much that most find themselves stumbling back to the beginning while thinking it's the end."

"Witschblume?"

I was startled. And surprisingly, not because anything exploded.

While I endeavoured to know as little about Ouzelia as possible, the fruits grown by the town of Witschblume were such a popular export that Reitzlake's nobility practically used it as currency.

Why, had I known that this library was so close to it, I would have … well, no, I would still never have come. But I'd at least groan less. Maybe.

"Witschblume," repeated the librarian. "One of our central towns under the purview of Duchess Cadence Loventeidt. I've sent a letter to the local heroine amongst others, but I expect she's very busy. If you could directly petition for her assistance, it might be enough to earn her immediate attention."

Hmm.

A trip to Witschblume. Hardly the visit I was expecting. But considering that I believed I'd be trudging through a succession of bear caves, it was a morsel of reprieve.

Indeed, as the librarian pulled aside the door to reveal a spray of sunlight and the whistling of songbirds amidst the rustling of leaves, I even dared to have a single hope.

That maybe, just maybe, this trip wouldn't be so–

BrruMmumUmmuMmuMmuMmmm.

Suddenly, I was almost thrown off my feet.

A noise like the end of the world shook the very ground. Dust fell from the ceiling as plates, cups and scarves dropped from their tables and shelves, sending tableware rolling in every direction. A snort came from Apple as the sign he was chewing on collapsed.

And then just like that–it was over.

A few, brief seconds of pandemonium.

I steadied myself for a few moments, bracing for the next bout. Seeing that it didn't come, I brushed down my shoulders and nodded towards the open door.

"Very well," I said idly. "To the town of Witschblume, then. To requisition a heroine."

Two clockwork dolls regarded my unflustered state with shared looks of admiration.

"Huh, that's new," said Coppelia. "Most fresh arrivals usually get jumpy after their first earthquake."

"Hm? And why should an earthquake concern me?"

"Well, they are pretty rough. And this one was definitely bigger than average."

"... Is that so? Good."

"Eh?"

I made my way past the exit, all the while gifting the sunlight with my smile.

"After all, it just proves that no matter how much I fear to be in Ouzelia, Ouzelia fears me more."

 

[kayenano]

Apple snorted as he trotted along a narrow path hidden amidst the creeping foliage.

One as gold as the canopy of leaves rustling overhead.

It was a quaint sight. Although the autumns of my kingdom were splendid and fair, the length of time that the golden leaves of my forests could be indulged in was all too brief. Not here.

Beyond the doors of a library blessed by the magic of a missing dragon, autumn came during spring.

All around me, golden oaks stretched from one end of this enchanted forest to another, with little indication as to where one ended and one began. Beneath dangling branches larger than chimneys, gnarled roots coiled across what little could be seen of a path requiring as much Apple's disregard for obstacles as Coppelia's humming guidance.

Glancing up, I admired the leaves as wide as spades billowing to a gentle breeze, their soft outline lit by the midday gleam.

And then I saw a pair of deeply weathered eyes blinking at me from the bark.

The tree groaned, its heavy branches dipping downwards in a rumbling greeting.

I smiled as I offered a polite nod.

And then I directed my gaze ahead. That's where it stayed.

"How curious," I said, as I leaned forwards to shoo Apple away from the offered leaves. "Had I known your forests were not permanently on fire, I would have viewed Ouzelia in a more favourable light."

Coppelia only looked amused.

Enjoying her role as our guide through this narrow trail, she skipped across roots like stepping stones in a river. Weaving between the foliage, her golden hair was occasionally lost amidst the leaves before she reappeared on yet another root.

Apple, no less graceful, barrelled over everything.

"That's because you're in the nice part of the forest. It's the rough part you're thinking about."

"... Really?"

"No." Coppelia flicked at a spiky branch. It retreated like a cowed puppy. "It'd probably make a great tourist attraction. But none of our forests are permanently on fire … usually."

I glanced through the forest.

No smoke. But the familiar rustling ensured I couldn't allow my guard to falter. I wasn't quite certain what hedgehogs in Ouzelia ate. But given the abundance of leafy foliage, a princess must surely count as an exotic delicacy.

"I've little idea why you have tourist attractions in the first place. Is your library not supposed to be hidden? It seems very half-hearted about its secrecy."

"Well, I think it used to be completely secret. But then obviously nobody visited. So the big guy opened it up to mysterious bearded archmages with big hats, saying they could visit in exchange for another book as an entry fee."

"I see. That sounds appropriate."

"Yup, that worked great! Except that there aren't a lot of mysterious bearded archmages with big hats and since they can conjure their own food, they'll pretty much stay until they've gone through everything. Like a caterpillar."

"Please, Coppelia. You cannot compare mysterious bearded archmages with big hats to caterpillars. One wields the power of destruction, the other is a professional disappointment."

"I bet the ones you met had tiny hats."

"Worse than that, most didn't even have beards." I wrinkled my nose as the memories failed to disperse. "Peddlers and charlatans. The louder their claims, the quieter their usefulness."

"Really? What did you get them to do?"

"Only the most trivial of trials. None of which has ever been passed. Frankly, if a self-proclaimed archmage cannot conjure the sugar cubes out of the Granholtz ambassador's teacup while he continually tries to throw more in, then they lack the right to stand beside my parents."

"Hmmmm … I think magical henchmen are usually used for other stuff. Like defending against assassins."

"A task my knights perform with distinction. Especially as they wouldn't spend every waking moment poring through the tomes of our library … including those so forbidden they simply refuse to combust despite being made of parchment and regret."

Coppelia giggled.

For now.

Once she was at the Royal Villa, I'd immediately request her help with spring cleaning. And that included works of poetry so avant garde that even I failed to understand what I'd written.

"Mmh~ I suppose that'd be a problem. It is with ours. They get so much reading done on one book donation, the big guy started charging them gold instead."

"A prudent measure."

"Yup! … Except most archmages are actually dirt poor. Probably because royalty don't hire them since they can't conjure sugar out of teacups."

"I hardly see why their lack of employable skills is our fault. Besides, if they wish to avoid poverty, they can just sell whatever enchanted staffs and priceless trinkets they have on hand."

"Sure. Except it turns out it's reaaaally hard to get change for enchanted staffs and priceless trinkets. Most merchants wouldn't have enough coins on hand even if they sold their house."

"Well, I fail to see why this dragon of yours needs coins in the first place. Does he not have an infinite supply to pay his staff by virtue of being a dragon?"

"I'm sure he does. Did. Once. Before he spent it all on books and stuff."

I idly tapped on Apple's reins. He snorted on my behalf.

"... Coppelia, is this dragon of yours poor?"

"Ahahaha~ don't be silly. Would a poor dragon have an amazing library filled with the rarest books?"

Coppelia paused.

She quickly looked around her, then leaned in with her hand shielding her lips.

"He's really bad with money!" she whispered at exactly the same volume. "Even though he's a dragon, I'm pretty sure he spent all his hoard! Now I'm constantly being told we might need to eat beans for a month while we get out of the red!"

I gave a tiny groan.

A poor dragon was like a poor princess. Why even live if one wasn't wealthy enough to be continually hounded by suiters and robbers alike?

"It isn't so bad, though," added Coppelia, her judgement clearly clouded by her long suffering. "Fleur is good at handling finances. That's what the gift shop and the tourist attractions are for!"

"... To scrounge for coins like common merchants?"

"Exactly! Speaking of which, do you want to visit a cursed waterfall? Only 1 silver crown and you get to see your finger becoming all wrinkly and gross for a bit."

"Thank you, but no. If you wish for my healing poke to bless a cursed waterfall, you shall need to remunerate me properly for the service."

Coppelia nodded at once.

Then, she hopped off the log she was balancing on and lifted it up. Cheeks puffed up in disappointment was soon to follow.

I didn't know what to be more aggrieved by. That she thought she could pay me off with coins found in the dirt, or that if all else failed, I couldn't refill the Royal Treasury by exporting the badgers from my orchard to till the soil.

"No worries!" said Coppelia, pretending as if she didn't possess a single coin of her own. "There are free attractions too! How about a lucky giant statue that looks like a fruit slime?"

"Certainly–as long as it's in Witschblume."

"Their lucky giant statues aren't as good as ours."

"Then I suppose I'll need to make do. Just as I am by requisitioning the services of a heroine instead of a compass. Would you happen to know where this individual can be found?"

Coppelia casually booted a small boulder off the trail. It rolled several metres, before scuttling the rest of the way into the forest, hissing as it went.

"Mmh~ I do," she said. "In a cafe."

"Excuse me?"

"Witschblume's heroine is usually in a cafe."

I despaired at once.

Why, if my loyal handmaiden, my horse and even the person I intended to volunteer as my map were all gluttons, how was I meant to leave a bakery, let alone Ouzelia?!

"Her name is Elise Rowe," she added cheerfully. "She's sort of famous in these parts, even for a heroine. She actually works as both a waitress and a heroine. That means she's real easy to find."

My only response was to widen my mouth.

Forgetting to feel relieved, I only knew astonishment.

A heroine who worked as a waitress?

Why, that was absurd! As far as I knew, it was a profession. And that meant income.

For one of Ouzelia's much vaunted heroines to be forced into additional work in an unrelated field suggested that their official saviours were not paid enough to afford even basic living expenses … and yet they still chose to do it!

Such virtuous spirit and selfless generosity! It was remarkable!

That meant … I could lower the stipend I intended to offer when I finally realised my farm boys-to-heroes scheme!

Ohohohoho!? Of course! Why hadn't I considered this?

Indeed, their very nature as goody-two-shoes meant I could fleece them for every coin!

My … My scheme had just become even more cost-effective!

"T-That is … why, that is incredible news! I had no idea your heroines were so poorly remunerated as standard! I … I need to take notes! Coppelia, remember every word you say!"

"Got it! Also, I should mention that I think ours is just a little–"

"No, no, no. I like this direction of thought. Now is not the time to distract with facts. Which cafe might I find this heroine? Or rather, how long until we reach Witschblume? Indeed, I see now that this is an opportunity in disguise! Since I'm here, I can interview her regarding her salary structure and working expectations!"

A strange smile met me. Understandable, of course. I scarcely knew how to react to my own ability to carve opportunity from the claws of remorse.

Why, being here wasn't an unmitigated disaster at all! … Well, no, it was … but I could at least make myself pretend that it wasn't! There was clearly important research I could conduct regarding how I was going to see my replacement for the Adventurer's Guild come to fruition!

"Witschblume isn't far now," said Coppelia. "We're already at the edge of the forest. Mostly because I've been punting away all the things you don't want to know has been trying to nibble you."

"Excellent."

"Now, as for the top attractions you can expect along the way–"

I held up my hand at once, stopping whatever litany of sightseeing suggestions she wished to offer.

"Coppelia, allow me to make this clear–this is not a social visit. This is not a personal visit. And this is most certainly not a diplomatic visit. I cannot under any circumstances be allowed to loiter for even a second longer than necessary. As a princess, I cannot just intrude upon foreign soil at will. This visit must be both swift and discreet."

She merely nodded … all the while placing her hands to her brows as she squinted ahead.

"Hypothetically, if you had to choose between swift or discreet, which would it be?"

I thought for a moment, carefully considering Coppelia's highly concerning motion.

"Please. If I had to choose, it would be swift, discreet and without fuss. After all, my menu choices are never limited. They only ever get bigger."

"Oooh, that's a good answer! By picking no particular thing, you don't tempt fate in one direction or the other."

"... Did it work?"

"Nah."

I gave a sigh, expecting little else.

Only a few moments later, the leaves began to thin. And what was a golden forest became instead a pearly sky which could have reflected a lake.

True to her word, we'd reached the edge of the forest. A boundary as sharp as the border between my kingdom and all its neighbours, with the oaks simply vanishing rather than lessening.

In their place, what I saw were fields of berries stretching out before me, filled to the brim like vineyards in the height of summer.

Yet even so, it was neither the vibrant colours nor the sight of a town rising in the horizon which demanded my attention.

No … that would be the ogre.

Specifically, the ogre in a maid's formal attire as she waited upon the dirt lane where it narrowed approaching the forest.

Despite her large frame, she was by no means inelegant. Her thick hands were neatly clasped together, her broad shoulders were back and her head and neck were held straight and facing ahead.

An immaculate posture lifted straight from the chalkboards found in the Royal Villa's servant quarters.

But this was no ordinary attendant.

Although her uniform boasted frills, I recognised from the fine seams and the embroidery that this was not the garments of a maid expected to hurl me from my bed at my mother's command each morning while pretending they only did it begrudgingly.

No, this was a maid expected to carry out reception duties.

One of higher standing and birthright.

And so it was as she offered a graceful curtsy bereft of flaws.

"Princess Juliette Contzen," she said, her voice as deep as it was measured. "I am Lady Uxna of the Blood Shrieker Tribe, head maid of Witschblume Castle. On behalf of Duchess Cadence Joyister Loventeidt, I offer my sincerest welcome."

She turned to the side, then gestured to where even in the distance, a white bastion rose over the town of Witschblume like my royal presence clearly loomed over Ouzelia.

"... The Duchess is expecting you."

 

[kayenano]

Streams of tiny flags ran from rooftop to rooftop.

The town of Witschblume was certainly a colourful affair. What may have once been walls of sensible red bricks and faded wood were instead canvasses in their own right.

As Apple bore me along a loosely cobbled road through the centre of this famed town, it was while trotting beneath a rainbow of pastel yellows, green and violet signboards.

Even so, while the façades of the many storefronts and houses may be different, those hollering for my attention were not. No matter how far I travelled or or how I bravely huddled away from every open window boasting a piano peeking over its edge, my regal aura was one which transcended distance.

And that meant a rare chance for the people of Ouzelia to shower their attention upon a true princess.

"Oh, Lady Uxna! Try this new cream for your heels! It's made of soothing dewberry extract and elderflower vine! You can have a tub for free!"

"My lady, would you like to sit down and relax at my restaurant? It's just reopened! I've a new lunch menu you can sample! Try everything, I insist! It's all on me!"

"Madame Blood Shrieker! Come, come sample my new product! It's a gleamroot elixir to make your hair shine like the moon! I happen to have a test crate with your name on it!"

"Lady Uxna, please notice meeee!"

Indeed!

The crowd simply could not get enough of me … via the maid escorting me by my side.

As we navigated this market street teeming with commoners, merchants and oddballs, it was made all the busier by the throngs of curious admirers steadfastly avoiding eye contact with me as they instead sought to harass the ogre beside me.

Seeing the looks of eagerness light up their faces as they directed it at someone else … I could only nod.

My, what a delightful surprise!

To think that despite my worst fears, the people here knew enough of etiquette to appropriately heckle my accompanying retinue instead!

True, they really shouldn't be blocking my way to do it … in fact, they shouldn't be pestering her at all, but rather going through Coppelia. But I could hardly blame them for the mishap.

After all–

"I'll take this, and that, and this, and that~"

Coppelia was busy.

Unable to ward away the commoners threatening Apple's hooves, she was instead reaching out and accepting every item being offered in the maid's place. Within moments, her arms were laden with all the things necessary to compete with her library's gift shop.

As expected, my loyal handmaiden wasn't to be caught idling. The more sources of income she secured, the greater the statement that she would not be undone in the face of somebody else's retainer.

And my, wasn't this a rare one to earn a smidgeon of my interest?

Strange as it was to converse idly with maids, it was still acceptable if they were of notable birth or background. Just as this one's title suggested.

A curious thing. Although I knew little of ogres and their ways, I at least understood they possessed better insults than to elevate their own with titles of nobility. That was just demeaning.

No … she'd been bestowed it by others.

"You appear popular with the people, Lady Uxna. I am grateful to have you as my escort."

"Your words do me honour." She offered a respectful nod, all the while pushing commoners aside by way of being larger than everyone else. "Allow me also to apologise for the commotion."

"Oh? Whatever for?"

"Witschblume is famed for its liveliness, but more so when I walk its streets. It is well known that I represent Duchess Cadence. My opinion is often sought after in the hope of securing her patronage."

"A sentiment I'm all too familiar with, then. To be heaped with free gifts and adoration on top of being immensely wealthy is a terrible burden."

"So it is," said Lady Uxna politely.

I offered a smile while casually tugging Apple's reins a little to the side. He snorted directly into a peasant reaching across with a bouquet of flowers, then gobbled said flowers.

"Might I ask how you came about your title? I confess I'm unfamiliar with the intricacies of ogre peerages."

"That is because they do not exist. At least not in common form. Those most celebrated amongst our tribes mark their high status with the wreathed bones of our enemies and a face paint of their blood."

"A subtle and dignified display. We could all learn from your example."

"Thank you. I share similar sentiments. Be that as it may, Duchess Cadence saw fit to reward me with a title in keeping with local tradition, in recognition of my services to Witschblume."

"A gift as rare as it is to accept it. I know of ogres who have taken to the call of the sea. But none who have taken to the call of human nations."

"Nor are you likely to. I still represent my tribe, albeit as part of a cultural exchange."

"A … cultural exchange?"

"It's been remarkably enlightening. And not only for myself. I educate myself on the peculiars of local politics, while my exchange partner fights to the death in the Blood Pits."

I gasped and covered my mouth.

To eschew fighting to the death in gladiatorial combat to instead die a slow and torturous death by boredom in the court was a sacrifice deserving of far more than a mere peerage!

"Is … Is that so? Goodness, your dedication to your tribe is quite commendable."

"It is no great burden," she said modestly. "There are hurdles, but few which cannot be overcome through perseverance and a show of a slightly pronounced molar. The formal title is helpful as well."

"A reflection of your character. As well as Duchess Cadence's foresight."

"She is certainly known for her wisdom, yes. I hope that your meeting with her is productive."

"As do I. Indeed, I'm most curious about what she wishes to discuss. Particularly as such short notice."

"I'm afraid that is not for me to say. I was only requested to offer you an audience."

I offered a polite smile.

After all, how could I not, while I was so keenly expected in another realm?

Yes, there were several problems. I wanted this visit to be swift, discreet and without fuss. The only things I desired along with everything I could possibly want.

Instead, I could practically hear the scampering feet of our diplomats as they trembled at the prospect of this unscheduled meeting. And only partially to do with the fact that I was entirely unfamiliar with the minute details of foreign diplomacy.

But that's fine!

I was learned in more than the ways of popular culture! Despite the valiant attempts of my siblings, it was only natural that I wouldn't be wholly excluded from the drudgery of court life. I had little doubt I could represent the grace and dignity of my kingdom.

All the more so since I was never here.

Indeed, it was clear that informality was very much the theme of this visit.

The lack of ceremony spoke as much as the fact that my escort was conscious not to use any mode of address. Yet more than her discretion was the fact this was no parade of banners, trumpets and knights clogging up the street.

And that was proof I had little to fear.

If Witschblume's ruler wished to indulge in her curiosity, then who was I to deny it?

Especially if she could help shorten my visit.

"Your Duchess has keen eyes," I said. "Only a short time ago, I myself did not even expect to be here."

"Little occurs in Witschblume without Duchess Cadence's knowledge. Particularly regarding princesses. Before the signing of the Queensholme Accords, it was expected that when a princess was taken by a dragon, it fell to the regional ruler to organise her rescue. Your sudden arrival sent no less than a dozen separate artifacts shattering the windows."

I let out a tiny groan.

Of course. Ouzelia. The home of dragons. Where else would a way to detect rapidly arriving princesses be found if not in the place where they were all taken? For all I knew, there was an entire industry around it. If murder fog could be commercialised, then why not rescuing princesses?

"Goodness. My apologies, then. I shall ensure that somebody other than me compensates you. Rest assured, I am as much a victim as your windows are."

"I'm certain the Duchess will understand. While I cannot know her mind or your purpose, I believe that windows are unlikely to be a topic of conversation. Not least since they break with regular frequency."

I waited for context. Or a smile of inappropriate humour.

Neither came.

I shuddered instead, leaning away from every window as I searched for the silhouettes of my kingdom's St. Liane exports teetering needlessly. Neither the unease nor my now permanently scrunched shoulders faded. But the gaggle of fawning merchants soon did.

As the cobbled street winded onwards, the rows of stalls and storefronts lessened, replaced by the sight of white walls rising high overhead.

Witschblume castle looked rather like it had been plucked from a picture book. A quaint and charming sight, built clearly to host dignitaries rather than to withstand a siege. Neither the towers nor the ramparts were as grand or impressive as Reitzlake Castle. But it was worth a moment of admiration nonetheless.

I paused to appreciate the many arched windows. Each was stained with a different colour of the rainbow, the glass a mosaic of intricate patterns likely to be matched only by the finest of cathedrals.

Pwsshhhhh.

And then I saw an even more colourful sight.

A woven basket breaking through one of the delicate windows.

As it flew, garments trailed behind it like streams of ribbons. Gowns, socks and puffy frocks. Fabrics of light hues to match the pastel nature of the town floated downwards as the basket rolled before us, empty except for the multiple shoes weighing it down.

Lady Uxna leaned down amidst the shower of garments and plucked out a note.

I politely turned away. And then quickly peeked when she wasn't looking.

I hereby declare laundry outlawed,

Duchess Cadence​

Lady Uxna's eyes were unmoving even as she read it.

After a moment, she turned to me with a look of apology.

"The Duchess is prone to decisions of fancy," she said lightly. "Particularly in regards to her dislike of the maintenance of her attire. Please do not be concerned. She is diligent in matters of governance."

I stared at all the garments as they lay scattered upon the cobbled road.

And then I returned to the note.

This Duchess … why, she'd just outlawed laundry!

That was just absurd! … Or was it?

If … If I did such a thing, it would mean the socks which didn't exist on my floor would by definition no longer count as garments lazily strewn by the wayside! Rather, they'd be classified as discarded excess I had no expectation to neatly pile into a basket myself!

I gave a gasp as light filled my vision.

"W-What a revolutionary!"

Lady Uxna's shoulders immediately drooped. Coppelia kindly reached up and patted her.

"Don't worry, it only gets harder from here~"