View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8V9fHAXcfGs
The hours since the battle had moved felt...slow. Disjointed. At least, that's how Shinji Ikari felt.
(Misato had tried to give him, Mana, Mayumi, Toji, and Kensuke a brief talk on the reality of death, and how it was a risk that came with their job. However, everyone could tell that it was...too fresh. Even Misato seemed disappointed with her own explanation.)
Between Saori Hasegawa, and now Ken Amada and Junpei Iori...had he ever dealt with death on so intimate a level?
The Beast laughed and jeered.
"What audacity..."
At least, that's how he felt.
(Mayumi had been rather teary overall, professing a desire to be alone. "Amada-san and Iori-san...they didn't deserve to die." It was only afterwards that he remembered: she wasn't even a week removed from learning that her parents were dead as well.)
How was he supposed to react?
(Mana had thrown herself into a calisthenics routine, opting to distract herself with a purely physical workout. "...that girl was overwhelming," she muttered, looking at him with a beleaguered expression. "Hadn't felt like that since...our first fight." He didn't know to respond to that.)
Was there a 'right' way to react? A 'wrong' way? It seemed...a poor way of approaching the reality. Yet...was acting with such detachment acceptable?
(He had backed away and around the corner of the house, upon seeing Toji speaking privately with Sakamoto. When he heard muffled sniffling, utter awkwardness and embarrassment forced him to depart...but he supposed it was only reasonable. For who among their number took death as hard as Suzuhara did?)
It was why he was standing at a particular patch of grass in Sakura-sensei's yard: the same place where, in the Metaverse, Amada-san and Iori-san had met their end. Was it supposed to feel...harsher, than this?
He didn't know. At least, that's how he felt...
"Yen for your thoughts?"
Shinji blinked, looking up at Kensuke Aida. "Oh. Hi, Kensuke."
The bespectacled boy moved with slow steps, hands stuffed into his pockets. "Can't stop thinking about it, huh?"
"...no," he admitted. "I...I don't know
how to think about it."
"How so?" When Shinji didn't immediately answer, Kensuke went for a tangent. "...we've done a lot of training, since the fight against Sho Minazuki in Okayama." Pacing in circles to keep his mind occupied, Kensuke continued, "what with the whole 'using your A.T. Field in the Metaverse' thing...looks like it wasn't as unique as we thought."
It's not; that girl used the same power as well. Who had she been? "I...I don't know if I should be feeling regret, or anger, or sadness...I just feel
numb..."
Another place. Another time. After the death of someone precious.
"...I feel sad, but the tears won't come."
He had been numb. A hand reached out for his own.
A single touch sparked thoughts of shame and revulsion and disbelief and...and...!
"STOP IT!"
It was far easier to be numb, even if he hated it.
"...guess I can't blame you. Amada-san and Iori-san were pretty cool guys."
"...how are you handling it, Kensuke?"
The young man shrugged, an honest frown on his face. "I've been through this before, you know? With my mom, and all." Pausing to collect his thoughts, he then added, "I'd say it makes it easier, but that sounds kinda callous, you know? And...well, who am
I to talk? I haven't exactly been on top of the craziness either."
Shinji nodded with understanding. "I wish I could cry like Yamagishi-san...or work myself into exhaustion like Kirishima-san."
"And what about Toji? He has Sakamoto to confide in, at least. Do you want to talk about it with Sakura-san or Katsuragi-san?"
"I wouldn't know where to start." He wished that he felt more guilty for how
little he had accomplished. "...I feel like, even if I used more of my power, it still wouldn't have made a difference..."
Kensuke snorted, acknowledging the point. "Any idea if your 'friends in blue' know who that is? I thought they were the ones responsible for the whole...multiple Persona thing, after all."
"...I'm not sure." He resolved to find out. "But...it's weird. Part of me
wanted to do more...but...I don't know if pulling out more power would have been worth it..."
"You think it wouldn't have mattered?"
"Maybe...but that's not why." He looked down at his right hand, clenching it into a fist. "I know we've talked about it before...the power of Evangelion, and what it does to me, I mean. But hearing about it and experiencing it are two different things."
"On the contrary," Kensuke said, "I was
there when you had your first Evangelion training session with Ayanami. It was pretty brutal stuff."
He had almost forgotten all about that. (Like he didn't have enough memory problems.) "I...I don't like what I become, when I access more and more of Unit-01's power...but is it worth becoming more of a monster, if it meant protecting you all? I wish I could answer that, but I
can't."
Kensuke stared at him quizzically, as if trying to figure him out. (A fool's errand.) "You must be inside your own head a lot, Shinji."
"...well, my Persona
is Hamlet," he said, almost jokingly. (Oh, but how true it was!)
"Heh. Fair enough." Looking back at the spot where Amada and Iori had perished in the Metaverse, Kensuke added, "for what it's worth...I like to think that guys like that would prefer to die in battle. It's almost simpler, you know? There's no ambiguity or uncertainty; just the realization that their line of work caught up with them. Just like it did for my mom."
"...but it's not easy for those they leave behind."
Kensuke loosed a sober sigh. "Yeah. That's the kicker, isn't it? Even if they died as heroes...they're still dead. The people left behind still have to pick up the pieces." The expression on the boy's face was simultaneously nostalgic, thoughtful, and vexed. "...starting to think I owe my dad an apology, if this was anything like how he felt after mom died...I can understand why he didn't want to say anything."
"Because talking about it hurts," said Shinji, answering the unspoken question.
"No kidding. It honestly kind of sucks, to be honest."
His Other stared at a rickety bridge.
"It's comforting, isn't it?"
Slowly, he began to step across.
"Knowing that others share in your same struggles..."
"...I hope to have better answers, one day," said Shinji, breathing deeply in order to cement the current sensations into his mind.
Junpei Iori and Ken Amada are dead. You're still alive. What are you going to do about it? "But...thank you anyway, Kensuke."
"For what?"
"For talking to me. For keeping me out of my head." (
For keeping the numbness from consuming you.)
Kensuke blinked with genuine confusion. "Not exactly sure what I did, but I'll take your gratitude anyhow. You've helped me out enough to begin with, so why keep track?"
"I guess so." There was something refreshing, about that sort of simplicity. Inhaling deeply of the air, Shinji bowed towards the empty grass at a forty-five degree angle. Though there would doubtless be a funeral later...he wanted to say his piece.
Amada-san...Iori-san...thank you for everything...goodbye.
Life waited for no one: not even the living.
xxxx
/Magician
//now at Rank 7
)
