Hikari gulped, staring at her doppelganger's piercing eyes with a dread that bordered on mania. (She was facing her own Shadow, and the stories she had heard about what it entailed had always been harrowing, because she didn't want to hear it aloud, she didn't want to see what should have been locked away!) "I...I want nothing to do with this place. I got here by accident...so I'm going outside...and I'm going to wait to be rescued. And that's that."
(
You sound so sure...)
As she turned on her heel, her own voice — hollow, hoarse, yet brimming with
authority — called out. "
Turning away from the truth?"
(
...but you know what doing so would imply...)
Hikari stopped, trying hard not to gulp.
"
...you're just like the grown-ups you despise so much. How tragic."
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ia2Rh_7GbZ8
Hikari, biting down her impulsive outrage (it wasn't true, it wasn't true,
it would never be true), slowly turned back. "...what do you mean?"
"
I think you know very well what I mean. After all, I'm you."
Grimacing at the gnawing hunger in her stomach, Hikari managed to choke out, "I'm afraid I'm not...thinking clearly, at the moment. Could you please spell it out?"
"
The dutiful Class Representative, acknowledging a spot of intellectual weakness?" mocked her Shadow. "
That won't do; losing your fine reputation would make all of your pointless martyrdom worthless..."
"Martyrdom?"
"
Or so you would like it to be seen as. After all, if you can't succeed in what you truly desire, then you just have to settle for the next best thing...even if doesn't stop you from wanting to weep." Torches lit up throughout the temple, and the incense surrounding her Shadow increased in volume. "
We're smart; we're well-respected; we have the admiration of students and the gratitude of teachers; even those who think we're stuck-up and haughty bend the neck in the face of our inherent authority...but the rush of that satisfaction; the thrill of imposing our will, of establishing order..." Yellow eyes glared from within the haze. "
Nothing but straw. Nothing but ash, in the face of what we truly want."
Hikari gulped, watching as embers from the torches coagulated into a moving scene, given depth by the clouds of incense. It was a familiar image, of Kodama leaving for her university for the first time; silhouettes of Nozomi and her father watched forlornly...while Hikari's own image seemed to blaze inwardly.
"
Our dear elder sister; so opinionated, so sure of herself...so confident that she's in the right." Her Shadow pointed at the scene with accusation. "
How badly you wanted to explode; to condemn her cowardice; to scream and rant and rage...!"
"That's not fair," protested Hikari, shivering at how loud the beat of her own heart sounded in her own ears. "Kodama-neesan...I saw her try, at first. I know she tried to get help for him! But father was strong enough to keep working...and he refused to do anything..."
"
You know how shallow such reasoning is," retorted her Shadow. "
You saw the routines our father clung to, as a life raft in the roaring seas; how on some days, he seemed to move without life, without vigor...and with each passing day, you saw the hatred in your sister's eyes grow; she came to despise our father. And in the face of her own scorn...she chose to leave. And you would call that trying?"
("This home still feels like a damned tomb.")
Kodama's words — from weeks ago — echoed throughout the temple. "No...that's not how I felt..." She and Kodama-neesan had their disagreements, but they still loved each other-!
("...so you're still going to run away, once summer's over.")
This time, the words were her own.
"
Who do you think you're trying to fool?" challenged her Shadow. "
I, more than anyone else, know precisely what it is that you feel...not that you'll ever admit it to yourself. You'd rather just shove it all on me, and go on pretending..."
"I don't pretend!" retorted Hikari, trying not to feel heated (but it was oh so
hard...!). "I'm...I'm doing the best that I can-"
"
Are you? What is your 'best'? Mollifying your conscience as the good student? Washing away sinful thoughts with a pledge of doing your duty as the Class Representative?" Her Shadow began stalking back and forth amidst the incense, appearing as a true phantom. "
Sohryu-san was right, in a way: everything you do is for yourself...so you aren't choked by the guilt of your own inaction."
(September the 11th: a night in the Izanami Dorms, where Ayanami was absent on a mission, and Yamagishi was in the shower. Thus, it was just herself, and Sohryu. The offer of notes regarding classes slept through had been decisively rebuffed. "You don't even know me. You're doing it for...well, I don't know if it's for someone else, or for yourself, but it's certainly not for my sake.")
The memory of that talk possessed a sheer physicality that felt impossible; the thought of her own self siding with Sohryu's reasoning — anathema as it was to the life she had chosen for so long...! — made her blood boil(?). "I...I don't agree. I believe Sohryu-san is mistaken-!"
("...he's still a 'functional member of society', so it's not like anyone's going to truly care.")
Kodama's voice cut through her tirade; another response from weeks ago, from a talk between two sisters. One that laid bare the contradiction she herself labored under.
"
A functional member of society...toiling away for the sake of others, even at the expense of oneself...crumbling away from the inside, because the expectations you've shouldered demand it..." Her Shadow glared with righteous indignation. "
Like father, like daughter."
Hikari couldn't help but gape; she had a mouth, capable of so many words...yet none would dare come.
xxxx
All the while, the seven who had intruded upon the Realm of Hikari Horaki's Shadow were furiously fighting their way through the horde of Remnants.
At some point, Misato and Ryuji intentionally fell behind, throwing themselves into the greater mass of thoughtbeasts: a sacrificial play, to deploy their more destructive techniques so that the five teenagers could make it to the Shadow unabated.
Mayumi used her Persona at its utmost: divining a path through the mountains that had the fewest enemies without sacrificing speed; with Armisael's steady guidance, Mana, Kensuke, Asuka, and Toji advanced as an unyielding vanguard.
Toji found it hard to hold back, for his eyes kept drawing towards the temple upon the tallest peak. Stormy clouds swirled around it, and numerous bonfires — more than there had been before — roared with all the fury of the sun.
(He recalled what it was like to face his own Shadow. He recalled how vicious the words had been...regardless of how true their core had been.)
(He thought about Hikari facing the same thing.)
Toji urged Gilgamesh to go faster.
xxxx
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjxERKmq1fU
Hikari's Shadow seemed empowered, somehow. "
Have you decided to come to your senses? Have you decided to finally face the truth?"
"...I'm..." Hikari shook her head. "I'm...I'm better than that. I won't let my own darkness control me-!"
"
How naive; a shadow cannot exist in the darkness. A shadow can only exist where there is light...the brighter the light, the greater the shadow cast." Her other self's eyes gleamed amidst the incense; the entire temple had taken on a heady aroma. "
That you feel so wearied by my presence...can only mean that you want light cast upon this place, so that everyone can finally see me..."
"No," hissed Hikari, shaking her head. "It's not anyone's place to peer into the private thoughts of others...so I'm not going to do that!"
"
But it wouldn't be someone else; you wouldn't be violating the privacy of someone else. You would simply be telling the truth!" Her Shadow's smile was a truly mad thing to behold. "
For all the good that it would do...for all the futility of it...but it would feel liberating, even for just a little while..."
Hikari shook her head.
"
But that's what really kills you: your own impotence." The embers and smoke formed another scene: of her very self, sitting in a rustic cafe, listening to five battle-hardened teenagers relay the tale of an eventful summer vacation—a summer full of sport and savagery, a vacation packed with vim and violence. "
Hearing what they went through...seeing how they all grew from it..."
("...shouldn't...shouldn't you all...be in therapy, or something? I mean...what you all went through...it's not normal...!")
Her own voice, pleading for reason; but there would be no reason to be found: only willpower. "
Your disbelief was rejected wholesale."
("Class Rep. Look...I get that you're concerned. It's...well, nice that school stuff isn't the only thing you're worried about. But you weren't there. Don't act like you know what we went through or how we're supposed to be handling it...If you're gonna get on our case, that's fine. Your whole thing is being a worrywart. But...it's not something you have to worry about; it ain't your place.")
Toji Suzuhara's voice, filled with a self-confidence she had never heard from him before the summer break. "
The lowly jock we fancy so: a headstrong brute with a surprising heart...yet he returned with enough grit to rebuke even you."
("It's one thing to hear Katsuragi or Sakamoto talk to us about this sort of stuff, 'cause they lived through it. But coming from you? You a Persona-user?" No. "Is there anyone in your family who's dealt with Metaverse combat, or with anti-Ghost ops?" No. "Then why are you acting like you know better?)
Mana Kirishima's voice, bereft of guile, armed only with a deadly simplicity. "
Such an uneducated girl, dealt a poor hand in life...yet she still found a strength that you couldn't even hope to grasp..."
Hikari felt as if her lungs were constricted; why was it so hard to breathe...why couldn't she speak...?
"
When it comes down to it...you desire the strength of their conviction. Because your devotion to your own duty...is suffocating." The Shadow's yellow eyes gleamed with knowing. "
But it's never too late to start. All it takes is to live a little; to let loose; to actually show everyone how you really feel!"
The embers and smoke began to form distinct shapes: of thoughts Hikari had entertained in her darkest moments—rage against the elder sister who had fled; spite for the younger sister who could live without a care in the world; sorrow and frustration and wrath for a father who at times could barely muster the energy to
pretend without her effort; pity and disgust for the countless students who looked at her for help and guidance, day in and day out; indignation and loathing for teachers who called her a role model, as though that was her only function
...! It was a maddening display, yet Hikari could make sense of it all. "That's...that's not..."
There were footsteps echoing from outside.
"
After all, what's the point of continuing a fiction if it doesn't get you what you want?"
Familiar voices called out: "Class Rep," and "Yamagishi-san!"
Hikari paled (no no no no no no no), looking over her shoulder with dawning horror (
no no no no they can't see they can't see) at the worried faces of fellow students (
don't look at me don't look at me DON'T LOOK AT ME) from Hakone Academy. "...no..."
("...why would it be different? No one listens about him, when I've lived through it, so why...")
Her own voice, echoing loud and clear for all to hear: once a quiet whisper, muttered out of envy for those who could achieve what she could not. The curious eyes of Sohryu and Kirishima, the concern of Aida and Yamagishi, the naked
worry in Suzuhara's eyes: it all made her want to hide, to flee, to run away...! "No..."
"
No one listens to the teacher's pet; no one listens because you're too meek and too docile! So let go of it all; cause havoc; misbehave; flunk your tests!" challenged her Shadow, twitching and yelling with sincere derangement. "
None of it means anything after all, because no one will listen...you'd do whatever it take to just have someone look at you, and listen...because that's what you really want-!"
The vice around Hikari's lungs and throat went slack. "SHUT UP!" she shrieked, turning towards her Shadow with a budding mania. "SHUT UP,
SHUT UP,
SHUT UP!!!" she screamed, uncaring for how the other teenagers were shocked by her outburst. "The class was wrong! The stories were
wrong! Shadows can't be our other selves; I would
never say those things!" With a frenzied expression, she yelled, "
DON'T YOU DARE PRETEND TO BE ME!!!"
At this, her Shadow went still...and her yellow eyes quivered with a surprising amount of sadness. "
...I wish I could pretend..." Those words were the signal: a terrifying roar erupted from the center of the temple, as burning incense erupted from around her Shadow.
From within that cloud, a monstrous arm reached out; with a swift clutch of a humongous fist, Hikari Horaki was yanked inside.
